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Alright, so, Mano e mano

4
00:00:35,693 --> 00:00:38,356
how many girls ask you if
Picasso is your real name?

5
00:00:39,161 --> 00:00:40,626
More than I'd like to talk about.

6
00:00:41,039 --> 00:00:42,825
Especially since a lot
of them argue with me

7
00:00:42,827 --> 00:00:44,586
when I tell 'em it is my real name.

8
00:00:44,588 --> 00:00:46,515
Like, how are you gonna
tell me what my name is?

9
00:00:46,517 --> 00:00:48,283
I think I know more about it than you do.

10
00:00:50,683 --> 00:00:51,516
She's cute.

11
00:00:52,504 --> 00:00:54,964
I bet you 20 bones she has a kid.

12
00:00:54,966 --> 00:00:57,084
How can you tell that from
one inconspicuous photo?

13
00:00:57,086 --> 00:00:59,934
Always trust the bubbling stomach.

14
00:00:59,936 --> 00:01:01,184
Why is your stomach bubbling?

15
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,019
Just scroll.

16
00:01:06,763 --> 00:01:09,294
Illmatic, you're right.

17
00:01:09,296 --> 00:01:10,874
Of all the photos you're
gonna post of your kid,

18
00:01:10,876 --> 00:01:14,174
why would you post the one
directly after you gave birth?

19
00:01:14,176 --> 00:01:15,204
She looks hideous.

20
00:01:15,206 --> 00:01:17,724
I guess she was going for
the natural beauty thing.

21
00:01:17,726 --> 00:01:20,014
Nothing beautiful about that.

22
00:01:20,016 --> 00:01:21,734
Is that her placenta?

23
00:01:21,736 --> 00:01:23,524
Gladly swiping left.

24
00:01:23,526 --> 00:01:24,564
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

25
00:01:24,566 --> 00:01:26,254
Okay, which one is she?

26
00:01:26,256 --> 00:01:29,814
Every photo is her with
the same four girls.

27
00:01:29,816 --> 00:01:31,084
I'm trying to find Ms. Right Now

28
00:01:31,086 --> 00:01:33,024
and she wants to play
where's fucking Waldo?

29
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,584
I detest that shit.

30
00:01:34,586 --> 00:01:35,474
You know when girls do that,

31
00:01:35,476 --> 00:01:36,764
it's usually 'cause they're the ugliest

32
00:01:36,766 --> 00:01:37,836
one out of the group of friends.

33
00:01:37,838 --> 00:01:38,669
Mhmm.

34
00:01:38,671 --> 00:01:41,624
Then it must be this one.

35
00:01:41,626 --> 00:01:43,834
Duff, you have been spotted.

36
00:01:43,836 --> 00:01:45,949
Ooh, she looks like fuckin' Beetlejuice.

37
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38
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She does!

39
00:01:49,316 --> 00:01:50,779
To the left, to the left.

40
00:01:51,886 --> 00:01:53,854
Oh yeah, you're 25.

41
00:01:53,856 --> 00:01:54,906
25 times two!

42
00:01:54,908 --> 00:01:57,554
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43
00:01:57,556 --> 00:01:58,654
Oh, here we go.

44
00:01:58,656 --> 00:02:00,164
Officially head over heels.

45
00:02:00,166 --> 00:02:02,194
Check it out, a close up of her eye.

46
00:02:02,196 --> 00:02:05,514
And, yep, that's her only photo.

47
00:02:05,516 --> 00:02:06,804
Who wouldn't wanna swipe right?

48
00:02:06,806 --> 00:02:07,639
Beats me.

49
00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:11,806
Oh, hold on, let me see something.

50
00:02:13,376 --> 00:02:16,884
You've got quite a few
messages, Master Picasso.

51
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:18,484
A lot more than I thought you'd have.

52
00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:19,317
Well, if you open up the conversation,

53
00:02:19,319 --> 00:02:21,704
you'll see they're mostly just lonely heys

54
00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:23,174
that no one ever responded to.

55
00:02:23,176 --> 00:02:25,754
You can't just say hey to these girls.

56
00:02:25,756 --> 00:02:27,824
The second you match with them you gotta

57
00:02:27,826 --> 00:02:29,214
do something to show
them you're not just one

58
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:31,714
of the millions of guys that
wanna make bacon with them.

59
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,154
But I do wanna make bacon with them.

60
00:02:33,156 --> 00:02:33,987
Well, you're not gonna put anything

61
00:02:33,989 --> 00:02:37,044
in the pan with a dry fuckin' DM like hey.

62
00:02:37,046 --> 00:02:42,134
Every hot girl's DM is 50%
lewd messages, 50% heys.

63
00:02:42,136 --> 00:02:43,104
You gotta find the middle ground.

64
00:02:43,106 --> 00:02:44,454
You gotta do something unique.

65
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,369
Well, my heys did work on someone.

66
00:02:47,856 --> 00:02:49,414
Oh, this girl, Sisanie?

67
00:02:49,416 --> 00:02:50,324
Yeah.

68
00:02:50,326 --> 00:02:51,801
We've been talking for like two weeks,

69
00:02:51,803 --> 00:02:54,104
And I can actually keep a
conversation going with her.

70
00:02:54,106 --> 00:02:57,294
No lags, no pretending to be interested.

71
00:02:57,296 --> 00:02:58,874
I mean, it's a good deal.

72
00:02:58,876 --> 00:03:00,119
We text, like, everyday.

73
00:03:00,968 --> 00:03:02,174
Have you guys meet in person yet?

74
00:03:02,176 --> 00:03:03,764
No.

75
00:03:03,766 --> 00:03:05,744
Is a face to face meeting in the works?

76
00:03:05,746 --> 00:03:06,579
Nope.

77
00:03:14,312 --> 00:03:15,334
Dude, will you stop?

78
00:03:15,336 --> 00:03:16,331
What is that for?

79
00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:17,514
That's for preferring to talk

80
00:03:17,516 --> 00:03:19,504
to an attractive young woman on your phone

81
00:03:19,506 --> 00:03:21,774
than talking to her
pussy lips in real time!

82
00:03:21,776 --> 00:03:23,414
I've seen Catfish!

83
00:03:23,416 --> 00:03:24,787
And if I've learned
anything from Nev and Max

84
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:28,084
it's that anything that seems
too good, really is too good.

85
00:03:28,086 --> 00:03:30,144
Right now, this girl's
on a pillar, you know.

86
00:03:30,146 --> 00:03:32,564
She's cool, she's chill,
and I don't wanna ruin

87
00:03:32,566 --> 00:03:34,924
what we have by meeting her in person.

88
00:03:34,926 --> 00:03:36,474
What if she's a guy?

89
00:03:36,476 --> 00:03:38,124
Or what if she is who she says she is,

90
00:03:38,126 --> 00:03:40,234
but her real life personality pales

91
00:03:40,236 --> 00:03:42,804
in comparison to her online personality.

92
00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:44,544
When I'm not looking for girls to fuck,

93
00:03:44,546 --> 00:03:46,464
I can just sit back, unwind,

94
00:03:46,466 --> 00:03:48,116
and shoot the shit with Sisanie.

95
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,834
What, the, stop, stop!

96
00:03:51,836 --> 00:03:53,744
What the fuck kinda logic is that?

97
00:03:53,746 --> 00:03:56,014
This girl responded to your boring ass hey

98
00:03:56,016 --> 00:03:58,784
and has sustained a
conversation with you for weeks.

99
00:03:58,786 --> 00:03:59,674
She's pretty.

100
00:03:59,676 --> 00:04:01,314
She clearly likes the same things as you.

101
00:04:01,316 --> 00:04:03,634
Look, she's got a Courage
the Cowardly Dog shirt

102
00:04:03,636 --> 00:04:04,714
for crying out loud.

103
00:04:04,716 --> 00:04:06,833
This girl will fuck the
potatoes out of you.

104
00:04:06,835 --> 00:04:07,854
Dude, but what if she's a catfish?

105
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,794
What if she's not a catfish?

106
00:04:09,796 --> 00:04:14,454
Picasso, listen to me
with both ears, alright?

107
00:04:14,456 --> 00:04:17,084
If you haven't at least
discussed the possibility

108
00:04:17,086 --> 00:04:19,794
of meeting this girl in person
by the next time I see you,

109
00:04:19,796 --> 00:04:22,564
I will personally give you a vasectomy

110
00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:25,059
with a rusty safety pin, capiche?

111
00:04:26,586 --> 00:04:30,134
Her vagina is calling your name, dude.

112
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:34,105
Oh, Picasso, oh, Picasso.

113
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:34,938
What are you doing?

114
00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:36,588
Just give me that salami.

115
00:04:36,590 --> 00:04:37,421
Stop, just stop.

116
00:04:37,423 --> 00:04:39,194
Just give me that sausage.

117
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,470
I can take it.

118
00:04:40,472 --> 00:04:42,435
Come on, shove it in there, big boy!

119
00:04:42,437 --> 00:04:43,711
Stop it, stop it please!

120
00:04:43,713 --> 00:04:45,134
Come on, shiver me timbers!

121
00:04:45,136 --> 00:04:47,168
(LAUGHING)

122
00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:48,170
Oh my God!

123
00:04:49,196 --> 00:04:51,779
(UPBEAT MUSIC)

124
00:05:04,229 --> 00:05:05,911
♪ Look, I graduated ♪

125
00:05:05,913 --> 00:05:07,537
♪ You can do anything you imaginated ♪

126
00:05:07,539 --> 00:05:09,268
♪ That's magic, ain't it ♪

127
00:05:09,270 --> 00:05:12,330
♪ Graduated from public
school, that special ed ♪

128
00:05:12,332 --> 00:05:13,841
♪ That's football team ♪

129
00:05:13,843 --> 00:05:16,007
♪ Since 13, had football dreams ♪

130
00:05:16,009 --> 00:05:18,088
♪ Most people waited on the sideline ♪

131
00:05:18,090 --> 00:05:19,881
♪ Waited for a one time enough ♪

132
00:05:19,883 --> 00:05:21,469
♪ And I'm like, but tonight ♪

133
00:05:21,471 --> 00:05:23,349
♪ I'm a shot in the moonlight ♪

134
00:05:23,351 --> 00:05:25,178
♪ Made news like Michael Jackson ♪

135
00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:27,444
♪ So it's time for action, I go ♪

136
00:05:27,446 --> 00:05:29,024
♪ Graduated to a party bus ♪

137
00:05:29,026 --> 00:05:30,914
♪ I'm going to college, I had enough ♪

138
00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:31,868
♪ Going to live it up ♪

139
00:05:31,870 --> 00:05:33,263
♪ Pour a drink in a red cup ♪

140
00:05:33,265 --> 00:05:34,840
♪ Drunk white girl throw it up ♪

141
00:05:34,842 --> 00:05:38,601
♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪

142
00:05:38,603 --> 00:05:42,630
♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪

143
00:05:42,632 --> 00:05:46,269
♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪

144
00:05:46,271 --> 00:05:47,986
♪ All night, all night ♪

145
00:05:47,988 --> 00:05:50,350
♪ All night, all night ♪

146
00:05:50,352 --> 00:05:54,290
♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪

147
00:05:54,292 --> 00:05:56,655
♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪

148
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:58,407
Uh, so many stairs.

149
00:05:59,436 --> 00:06:02,004
Well, technically, I
could get shot anywhere.

150
00:06:02,006 --> 00:06:02,994
The fact that this is Inglewood

151
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,144
shouldn't make a difference.

152
00:06:05,146 --> 00:06:07,874
It's actually not that sketch.

153
00:06:07,876 --> 00:06:09,169
Looks pretty nice inside.

154
00:06:10,506 --> 00:06:11,964
Asshole.

155
00:06:11,966 --> 00:06:13,794
No, but are you sure you know the plan?

156
00:06:13,796 --> 00:06:15,424
Because you tend to have selective memory

157
00:06:15,426 --> 00:06:17,649
and I wanna make sure
my plan is foolproof.

158
00:06:18,936 --> 00:06:22,624
Okay, sad face means call
me so I can make an exit

159
00:06:22,626 --> 00:06:25,279
elegantly, and happy
face means I can stay.

160
00:06:27,646 --> 00:06:30,654
Okay, fuck you very much.

161
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,122
Bye, bitch.

162
00:06:32,124 --> 00:06:34,791
(PHONE BEEPING)

163
00:06:41,579 --> 00:06:42,429
You'll be fine.

164
00:06:44,669 --> 00:06:45,502
It'll be fine.

165
00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:49,142
It'll be fine.

166
00:06:51,709 --> 00:06:54,622
Yeah, I think it'll be fine.

167
00:07:09,219 --> 00:07:10,050
Hi.

168
00:07:10,052 --> 00:07:10,885
Hey.

169
00:07:13,629 --> 00:07:14,462
Thank you.

170
00:07:34,669 --> 00:07:38,002
(ELEVATOR DOOR DINGING)

171
00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:41,814
Thank you.

172
00:07:44,883 --> 00:07:46,469
This is a fuckin' maze.

173
00:07:46,471 --> 00:07:47,302
Yeah.

174
00:07:47,304 --> 00:07:49,034
There's a side entrance
that's closer to my apartment,

175
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,717
but I thought for the sake of presentation

176
00:07:50,719 --> 00:07:52,257
I might as well meet you in front.

177
00:07:52,259 --> 00:07:54,797
Well, you should know
that I hate walking.

178
00:07:54,799 --> 00:07:56,937
If I could ride around
in one of those electric

179
00:07:56,939 --> 00:08:00,107
shopping carts for the
rest of my life, I would.

180
00:08:00,109 --> 00:08:01,537
Well, we don't have any
electric shopping carts,

181
00:08:01,539 --> 00:08:03,767
but there's a few janky ones lying around.

182
00:08:03,769 --> 00:08:04,600
I could push you in one.

183
00:08:04,602 --> 00:08:06,487
I might just take you up on that.

184
00:08:06,489 --> 00:08:08,197
But only if the cart's missing a wheel

185
00:08:08,199 --> 00:08:09,977
and it smells like piss.

186
00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:11,652
Well, I'll see what I can muster up.

187
00:08:14,089 --> 00:08:15,777
How long have we been walking?

188
00:08:15,779 --> 00:08:18,347
Uh, less than a minute.

189
00:08:18,349 --> 00:08:19,923
My feet hurt already.

190
00:08:19,925 --> 00:08:21,017
You really do hate walking.

191
00:08:21,019 --> 00:08:22,162
I did warn you.

192
00:08:23,149 --> 00:08:24,987
This hallway's kinda sketch.

193
00:08:24,989 --> 00:08:27,157
Yeah, I thought the same thing.

194
00:08:27,159 --> 00:08:28,707
Sometimes when I'm by
myself, I turn around

195
00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:30,267
just to make sure I'm not being followed.

196
00:08:30,269 --> 00:08:32,177
Oh my God, imagine if you were.

197
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,647
Like, Leatherface was just posted up

198
00:08:33,649 --> 00:08:36,292
at the very end of the
hallway like, sup, brah.

199
00:08:36,294 --> 00:08:38,971
Uh, I think I'd turn into Usain Bolt.

200
00:08:38,973 --> 00:08:40,858
(IMITATING RUNNING)

201
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:41,693
Not today!

202
00:08:43,179 --> 00:08:44,010
See, not me.

203
00:08:44,012 --> 00:08:46,177
I am one of those people
that would royally

204
00:08:46,179 --> 00:08:48,377
piss off the horror movie audience.

205
00:08:48,379 --> 00:08:49,847
I'd just wait to be killed.

206
00:08:49,849 --> 00:08:51,973
I mean, what is the point in wasting

207
00:08:51,975 --> 00:08:54,287
Leatherface's time giving this illusion

208
00:08:54,289 --> 00:08:56,927
that I am capable of
engaging in a foot chase.

209
00:08:56,929 --> 00:08:59,767
Nope, just cut me open, I can handle it.

210
00:08:59,769 --> 00:09:02,157
You sure about that?

211
00:09:02,159 --> 00:09:03,527
Nope.

212
00:09:03,529 --> 00:09:05,647
This hallway so reminds
me of The Shining though.

213
00:09:05,649 --> 00:09:06,480
Yeah.

214
00:09:06,482 --> 00:09:07,487
Well, if they ever do another remake,

215
00:09:07,489 --> 00:09:08,577
they could do it right here.

216
00:09:08,579 --> 00:09:10,407
Isn't that infuriating?

217
00:09:10,409 --> 00:09:11,967
Another remake.

218
00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,257
The Shining is one of those films

219
00:09:13,259 --> 00:09:15,387
that should never be remade.

220
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,897
No one will ever come close to what

221
00:09:16,899 --> 00:09:18,649
Jack Nicholson was able to achieve.

222
00:09:20,889 --> 00:09:22,697
You were supposed to agree with me.

223
00:09:22,699 --> 00:09:24,597
I'm not really crazy about The Shining.

224
00:09:24,599 --> 00:09:26,317
Well, date's over.

225
00:09:26,319 --> 00:09:28,157
Oh, well, I just think it's overrated.

226
00:09:28,159 --> 00:09:29,567
And before you draw your sword,

227
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,387
I'm not saying it's a bad movie.

228
00:09:31,389 --> 00:09:33,037
It definitely had its effective moments,

229
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:36,757
but to say it was the greatest
horror movie of all time,

230
00:09:36,759 --> 00:09:38,057
I just don't see it.

231
00:09:38,059 --> 00:09:40,597
That film was style over genuine horror.

232
00:09:40,599 --> 00:09:43,817
Plus, Kubrick put his team through hell.

233
00:09:43,819 --> 00:09:46,037
If a director can't destroy the mental

234
00:09:46,039 --> 00:09:47,847
health of their cast and crew,

235
00:09:47,849 --> 00:09:49,672
they shouldn't call themselves a director.

236
00:09:49,674 --> 00:09:53,484
Um, that's a problematic statement.

237
00:09:53,486 --> 00:09:55,357
Here's what I think.

238
00:09:55,359 --> 00:09:57,877
Remakes give filmmakers this opportunity

239
00:09:57,879 --> 00:10:00,907
to resurrect previously awful movies.

240
00:10:00,909 --> 00:10:03,057
I mean, I can think of so
many shitty horror films

241
00:10:03,059 --> 00:10:05,157
that could be remade and enriched,

242
00:10:05,159 --> 00:10:08,647
but instead people choose
to remake the classics,

243
00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:12,007
the films that should have
a do not touch sign on them.

244
00:10:12,009 --> 00:10:13,157
You can say that again.

245
00:10:13,159 --> 00:10:13,992
Do I have to?

246
00:10:19,277 --> 00:10:20,767
Hmm, not too shabby.

247
00:10:20,769 --> 00:10:21,920
Not too shabby at all.

248
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:23,767
This is the abode.

249
00:10:23,769 --> 00:10:27,177
I live in a shoebox compared to this.

250
00:10:27,179 --> 00:10:28,417
And you have a staircase.

251
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:30,957
See, staircases in
apartments to me are just,

252
00:10:30,959 --> 00:10:35,227
like, a fuck you to the rest
of us studio apartment folk.

253
00:10:35,229 --> 00:10:38,147
Like, not one but two
of my floors are bigger

254
00:10:38,149 --> 00:10:39,204
than your entire living space.

255
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,267
There's just a bedroom up there.

256
00:10:41,269 --> 00:10:42,354
It's not that great.

257
00:10:42,356 --> 00:10:44,077
But here's the test.

258
00:10:44,079 --> 00:10:46,367
How many bathrooms do you have?

259
00:10:46,369 --> 00:10:47,200
Two.

260
00:10:47,202 --> 00:10:49,217
Oh, that is exceptional.

261
00:10:49,219 --> 00:10:51,327
So one can blow up your
bathroom because you have

262
00:10:51,329 --> 00:10:55,107
one down here for all
visitant bowel unloads, huh?

263
00:10:55,109 --> 00:10:57,747
You don't even use the
downstairs bathroom, do you?

264
00:10:57,749 --> 00:10:59,157
Not really.

265
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,557
You, young guy, have got it made.

266
00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:04,205
This apartment's not that great.

267
00:11:04,207 --> 00:11:06,987
I get that you're
trying to be unpresuming,

268
00:11:06,989 --> 00:11:10,457
but this is a pretty sick pad.

269
00:11:10,459 --> 00:11:12,517
I do not see one blemish.

270
00:11:12,519 --> 00:11:14,867
Hmm, well then you
haven't looked hard enough.

271
00:11:14,869 --> 00:11:17,215
Bring your eyes this away.

272
00:11:17,217 --> 00:11:19,067
Oh, hiya destruction.

273
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:20,437
What happened here?

274
00:11:20,439 --> 00:11:21,777
Bronx.

275
00:11:21,779 --> 00:11:24,927
Bronx as in the
borough of New York City?

276
00:11:24,929 --> 00:11:28,317
No, Bronx as in my friend's dog, Bronx.

277
00:11:28,319 --> 00:11:29,617
Goddamn, Gertrude.

278
00:11:29,619 --> 00:11:31,847
My friend, Hut, he got himself a husky.

279
00:11:31,849 --> 00:11:33,379
A very unwise decision.

280
00:11:33,381 --> 00:11:35,017
And why is that?

281
00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:36,957
Huskies are cuteness overload.

282
00:11:36,959 --> 00:11:40,367
Like, I need to stop whatever
I'm doing and hug your face.

283
00:11:40,369 --> 00:11:41,200
No.

284
00:11:41,202 --> 00:11:42,897
The cuteness of the husky hampers people's

285
00:11:42,899 --> 00:11:44,957
ability to make sound decisions.

286
00:11:44,959 --> 00:11:47,377
My friend, Hut, got himself a husky purely

287
00:11:47,379 --> 00:11:50,267
on the basis that it was
his little wolfy-pie.

288
00:11:50,269 --> 00:11:52,307
His words not mine.

289
00:11:52,309 --> 00:11:54,927
Hut got this dog and didn't read up on it.

290
00:11:54,929 --> 00:11:57,847
Huskies are balls of energy.

291
00:11:57,849 --> 00:12:00,247
They get bored easily and
when they're not stimulated,

292
00:12:00,249 --> 00:12:02,367
it's chewin' time.

293
00:12:02,369 --> 00:12:05,137
Huskies are little wolfy-pies.

294
00:12:05,139 --> 00:12:06,777
I'd love to have a husky.

295
00:12:06,779 --> 00:12:08,007
They're always so happy.

296
00:12:08,009 --> 00:12:09,437
And their fur is like,

297
00:12:09,439 --> 00:12:11,887
they're like little hairy marshmallows.

298
00:12:11,889 --> 00:12:14,657
Well, Bronx, the hairy
little marshmallow,

299
00:12:14,659 --> 00:12:16,617
he'd be left alone in Hut's apartment,

300
00:12:16,619 --> 00:12:19,567
and in no time, he was
tearing the place apart.

301
00:12:19,569 --> 00:12:21,277
And Hut didn't wanna get mad at the dog

302
00:12:21,279 --> 00:12:23,697
because it was his pup-pup.

303
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:25,607
Hut had to get a new couch, new curtains,

304
00:12:25,609 --> 00:12:28,917
new shoes, all thanks to Bronx.

305
00:12:28,919 --> 00:12:30,752
You get off Bronx's back, alright?

306
00:12:31,799 --> 00:12:34,787
Also, if you knew what he was capable of

307
00:12:34,789 --> 00:12:36,927
why'd you let him stay at your apartment.

308
00:12:36,929 --> 00:12:40,047
Especially since you don't
seem like a dog person.

309
00:12:40,049 --> 00:12:43,687
I'm not a dog person, but
I was doing a friend a favor.

310
00:12:43,689 --> 00:12:45,127
Hut had to go on a business trip.

311
00:12:45,129 --> 00:12:47,537
Plus, Hut had told me that Bronx

312
00:12:47,539 --> 00:12:50,277
was taking puppy training classes.

313
00:12:50,279 --> 00:12:53,267
So I thought I didn't have
anything to worry about.

314
00:12:53,269 --> 00:12:55,767
I left Bronx downstairs
while I went upstairs to bed,

315
00:12:55,769 --> 00:12:57,937
and the next morning,
I saw that the little

316
00:12:57,939 --> 00:13:01,187
wolfy-pie had snacked on my apartment.

317
00:13:01,189 --> 00:13:02,797
And the shedding?

318
00:13:02,799 --> 00:13:04,947
These guys shed like nobody's business.

319
00:13:04,949 --> 00:13:07,487
Just white hair clumps everywhere.

320
00:13:07,489 --> 00:13:10,457
Turned my living room
into an Alaskan winter.

321
00:13:10,459 --> 00:13:13,887
So are you gonna fix the wreckage?

322
00:13:13,889 --> 00:13:15,847
I got a guy coming next week.

323
00:13:15,849 --> 00:13:17,967
And Hut gave me money
to pay for the damages,

324
00:13:17,969 --> 00:13:20,987
but this looks terrible, doesn't it?

325
00:13:20,989 --> 00:13:23,327
Yeah, but it doesn't take away

326
00:13:23,329 --> 00:13:25,687
from how bitchin' this pad is.

327
00:13:25,689 --> 00:13:29,407
I'd still take your place
over mine any day of the week.

328
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,787
For a second though, I
thought those scratches

329
00:13:31,789 --> 00:13:34,112
were the result of a
victim trying to escape.

330
00:13:37,366 --> 00:13:38,197
Thank you.

331
00:13:38,199 --> 00:13:39,030
You're welcome.

332
00:13:39,032 --> 00:13:40,460
I tried to go along with the last girl

333
00:13:40,462 --> 00:13:43,997
that made that joke, but
apparently I was too convincing

334
00:13:43,999 --> 00:13:46,327
because her whole demeanor changed,

335
00:13:46,329 --> 00:13:49,817
and she called the Uber
with the quickness.

336
00:13:49,819 --> 00:13:52,294
Well, this is kinda American Pyscho-y.

337
00:13:52,296 --> 00:13:55,427
You know, a young guy
living in a nice place

338
00:13:55,429 --> 00:13:57,237
by himself, none the less, right?

339
00:13:57,239 --> 00:13:58,637
Yeah.

340
00:13:58,639 --> 00:14:01,037
You could so be a serial killer.

341
00:14:01,039 --> 00:14:02,947
Well, the same could be said about you.

342
00:14:02,949 --> 00:14:04,317
People always think it's the guy

343
00:14:04,319 --> 00:14:06,507
who invites the girl over to kill her,

344
00:14:06,509 --> 00:14:07,757
but what about the girl that comes over

345
00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:10,287
to the guy's house to kill him?

346
00:14:10,289 --> 00:14:11,120
You're right.

347
00:14:11,122 --> 00:14:13,197
Femme fatales, they are out there.

348
00:14:13,199 --> 00:14:16,197
Online dating requires so much trust.

349
00:14:16,199 --> 00:14:19,817
My biggest fear is that
I'm gonna meet Justine,

350
00:14:19,819 --> 00:14:21,919
only to find out that she's really Justin.

351
00:14:23,439 --> 00:14:25,147
But the fact that I
could be meeting someone

352
00:14:25,149 --> 00:14:28,047
that could possibly end my life,

353
00:14:28,049 --> 00:14:30,980
or cause me great harm is something

354
00:14:30,982 --> 00:14:33,507
I don't think about as much as I should.

355
00:14:33,509 --> 00:14:37,327
Well, that's a reality
I've experienced head on.

356
00:14:37,329 --> 00:14:38,162
Seriously?

357
00:14:39,599 --> 00:14:40,432
Yeah.

358
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,497
It was a little over 3 years ago.

359
00:14:44,499 --> 00:14:47,487
I met this guy on this app.

360
00:14:47,489 --> 00:14:49,287
It was on a different one I used to use.

361
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,992
I don't use it anymore.

362
00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:55,707
But we'd been talking
for a couple of months,

363
00:14:55,709 --> 00:14:59,389
and I thought he was...

364
00:15:02,259 --> 00:15:04,297
I was trying to think of
another word for Mr. Perfect,

365
00:15:04,299 --> 00:15:07,072
but whatever, he was Mr. Perfect.

366
00:15:07,919 --> 00:15:12,919
I should've known that Mr.
Perfect is never Mr. Perfect.

367
00:15:13,229 --> 00:15:16,597
He was Mr. Perfect At
Pretending To Be Mr. Perfect.

368
00:15:16,599 --> 00:15:19,437
But anyway, we decided to meet up,

369
00:15:19,439 --> 00:15:24,122
and I had the bright idea of
inviting him over to my place.

370
00:15:25,289 --> 00:15:27,027
As soon as he got there I knew that

371
00:15:27,029 --> 00:15:29,107
he didn't actually want
to spend time with me.

372
00:15:29,109 --> 00:15:33,087
He just, he wanted to do the deed.

373
00:15:33,089 --> 00:15:35,847
Everything he said had
something to do with sex.

374
00:15:35,849 --> 00:15:40,849
And I immediately knew
this was gonna suck.

375
00:15:41,129 --> 00:15:45,587
So, I wanted to watch a movie
on my shitty little couch,

376
00:15:45,589 --> 00:15:48,977
but he insisted that
we watch it on my bed.

377
00:15:48,979 --> 00:15:51,407
Another trap I fell into.

378
00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:54,777
But, I just, I felt uncomfortable,

379
00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:58,077
and I thought, be nice, watch the movie,

380
00:15:58,079 --> 00:15:59,502
and maybe he'll go home.

381
00:16:00,889 --> 00:16:03,877
And not five minutes into the movie

382
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:08,877
he's kissing me, and
just being really rough.

383
00:16:08,879 --> 00:16:11,717
And I try pushing him off,
but then he just got stronger,

384
00:16:11,719 --> 00:16:15,487
and he made this really
awkward eye contact,

385
00:16:15,489 --> 00:16:19,675
and he said, you want me to leave, right?

386
00:16:19,677 --> 00:16:20,907
Well, I will.

387
00:16:20,909 --> 00:16:22,062
Right after this.

388
00:16:23,689 --> 00:16:29,786
And here's the kicker,
I didn't fight back.

389
00:16:31,119 --> 00:16:32,607
I didn't scream.

390
00:16:32,609 --> 00:16:37,167
I could've done anything
in my power to get him off.

391
00:16:37,169 --> 00:16:40,254
I could've done all these
things I always told myself

392
00:16:40,256 --> 00:16:42,956
I'd do if something like
this would ever happen to me.

393
00:16:44,309 --> 00:16:49,309
But then I thought, I
could be the next headline

394
00:16:49,799 --> 00:16:51,872
on one of those Facebook articles.

395
00:16:52,759 --> 00:16:56,132
Woman raped and murdered by online date.

396
00:16:57,429 --> 00:17:02,429
So I just lied there, and I cried,

397
00:17:04,219 --> 00:17:07,167
and I guess that turned him off because

398
00:17:07,169 --> 00:17:10,006
he got off of me and left.

399
00:17:11,559 --> 00:17:14,952
And then he blocked me and I
never heard from him again.

400
00:17:19,059 --> 00:17:20,057
I'm sorry.

401
00:17:20,059 --> 00:17:22,487
Things just got really fuckin' dark.

402
00:17:22,489 --> 00:17:25,947
Note to self, don't tell
almost getting raped stories.

403
00:17:25,949 --> 00:17:28,617
And now I'm trying to make light of it.

404
00:17:28,619 --> 00:17:31,602
Oh my God, there's no coming
back from this, is there?

405
00:17:33,429 --> 00:17:35,571
Thanks for sharing that with me.

406
00:17:35,573 --> 00:17:37,637
And now you're thanking me.

407
00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:39,117
You don't even know what to say.

408
00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:40,857
Oh my God, this is like something

409
00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:42,807
you share on the 15th date.

410
00:17:42,809 --> 00:17:46,737
No, it's, you're right, I
don't know what I should be saying,

411
00:17:46,739 --> 00:17:50,562
but that guy's a hideous fuckin' guy.

412
00:17:51,649 --> 00:17:54,069
Yeah, it wasn't a great time for me.

413
00:17:54,071 --> 00:17:56,057
I mean, I almost stopped
online dating altogether,

414
00:17:56,059 --> 00:17:59,057
but it's like if you get
attacked at a grocery story

415
00:17:59,059 --> 00:18:00,835
are you gonna stop going food shopping?

416
00:18:00,837 --> 00:18:02,647
PICASSO: No.

417
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,647
No, I'm really not trying to
make light of this, I just...

418
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,529
No, you're fine.

419
00:18:09,329 --> 00:18:11,807
So, I thought I'd
give it another chance.

420
00:18:11,809 --> 00:18:14,397
And I know most people in my position

421
00:18:14,399 --> 00:18:15,957
wouldn't do that, but...

422
00:18:15,959 --> 00:18:16,792
You're strong.

423
00:18:19,019 --> 00:18:21,042
Yeah, if you say so.

424
00:18:23,468 --> 00:18:25,027
It took me a long-ass
time to get back here,

425
00:18:25,029 --> 00:18:27,907
but here I stand.

426
00:18:27,909 --> 00:18:30,717
And thankfully, since then all I've had

427
00:18:30,719 --> 00:18:32,802
to deal with is harmless losers.

428
00:18:33,778 --> 00:18:36,004
I hope I don't become one
of those harmless losers.

429
00:18:36,006 --> 00:18:38,257
Oh, only the night will tell.

430
00:18:38,259 --> 00:18:39,987
Okay, I know what'll get us back on track.

431
00:18:39,989 --> 00:18:41,097
You got any alchy?

432
00:18:41,099 --> 00:18:42,672
Yes, what do you want?

433
00:18:42,674 --> 00:18:43,505
Bud Light?

434
00:18:43,507 --> 00:18:44,647
No.

435
00:18:44,649 --> 00:18:45,480
Budweiser?

436
00:18:45,482 --> 00:18:47,277
Mm, No.

437
00:18:47,279 --> 00:18:49,047
Sam Adams?

438
00:18:49,049 --> 00:18:50,007
No.

439
00:18:50,009 --> 00:18:51,404
Okay, what do you have?

440
00:18:51,406 --> 00:18:53,007
I have apple ale.

441
00:18:53,009 --> 00:18:54,072
Anything else?

442
00:18:57,459 --> 00:18:58,327
No.

443
00:18:58,329 --> 00:19:00,937
So you asked me what I wanted when you

444
00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:03,610
already knew you only had
one selection of alchy.

445
00:19:03,612 --> 00:19:05,647
I was hoping you'd ask for apple ale.

446
00:19:05,649 --> 00:19:07,376
That's not even a real beer.

447
00:19:07,378 --> 00:19:09,257
That's like someone promising me a ticket

448
00:19:09,259 --> 00:19:11,387
to a Destiny's Child reunion concert

449
00:19:11,389 --> 00:19:13,389
only to find out Beyoncé won't be there.

450
00:19:14,659 --> 00:19:17,187
Michelle and Kelly are
talented in their own right.

451
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:18,357
In their own right.

452
00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:19,897
That was such a backhanded compliment.

453
00:19:19,899 --> 00:19:20,947
That's not what I meant.

454
00:19:20,949 --> 00:19:22,177
They are talented.

455
00:19:22,179 --> 00:19:24,947
The only thing they did was
elevate Beyoncé's eminence.

456
00:19:24,949 --> 00:19:27,127
They'd sing and dance
circles around you.

457
00:19:27,129 --> 00:19:28,007
Well, of course they would.

458
00:19:28,009 --> 00:19:30,087
I'm not musically or
rhythmically inclined.

459
00:19:30,089 --> 00:19:33,977
I think Michelle has a great
voice, and so does Kelly.

460
00:19:33,979 --> 00:19:36,367
You cannot underplay their journey.

461
00:19:36,369 --> 00:19:38,987
Their journey on Beyoncé's back?

462
00:19:38,989 --> 00:19:40,127
Technical foul.

463
00:19:40,129 --> 00:19:41,617
Okay, but who's the first person you

464
00:19:41,619 --> 00:19:44,409
think of when you hear the
words, Destiny's Child?

465
00:19:44,411 --> 00:19:45,242
Beyoncé.

466
00:19:45,244 --> 00:19:47,377
No, I actually think of Michelle.

467
00:19:47,379 --> 00:19:49,397
Have you ever been thrown
out of your own apartment?

468
00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:52,607
Picasso, the only reason
Destiny's Child existed

469
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,977
was to prepare Beyoncé for the phenomenal

470
00:19:54,979 --> 00:19:57,197
solo career that she was destined for.

471
00:19:57,199 --> 00:19:59,447
That's all any boy or girl group is.

472
00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,297
They're meant to showcase
how great the lead singer

473
00:20:01,299 --> 00:20:04,297
is so they can go solo
and become megastars.

474
00:20:04,299 --> 00:20:05,147
Look at N'Sync.

475
00:20:05,149 --> 00:20:06,737
Who's the first person you think of?

476
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:07,570
Justin Timberlake.

477
00:20:07,572 --> 00:20:08,987
No, J.C.

478
00:20:08,989 --> 00:20:11,507
I always thought he had a
better voice than J-Timz.

479
00:20:11,509 --> 00:20:12,777
J-Timz?

480
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,257
What is he, you're fucking golf buddy.

481
00:20:15,259 --> 00:20:16,207
Okay, fine.

482
00:20:16,209 --> 00:20:17,357
Forget N'Sync.

483
00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:18,587
What about Backstreet Boy?.

484
00:20:18,589 --> 00:20:19,527
Who do you think of?

485
00:20:19,529 --> 00:20:20,504
Brian.

486
00:20:20,506 --> 00:20:22,537
No, actually, AJ.

487
00:20:22,539 --> 00:20:24,647
Okay, now you're deliberately
disagreeing with me.

488
00:20:24,649 --> 00:20:26,437
You know I'm right.

489
00:20:26,439 --> 00:20:28,127
Okay, here we go.

490
00:20:28,129 --> 00:20:28,960
B2K.

491
00:20:28,962 --> 00:20:30,259
Who drove that group?

492
00:20:30,261 --> 00:20:31,197
Omarion.

493
00:20:31,199 --> 00:20:32,257
Yes.

494
00:20:32,259 --> 00:20:33,447
IMX?

495
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:34,431
Marques Houston.

496
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:35,264
Mhmm.

497
00:20:35,266 --> 00:20:36,307
H-Town?

498
00:20:36,309 --> 00:20:37,247
Dino.

499
00:20:37,249 --> 00:20:39,277
Could you imagine what that feels like?

500
00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:41,197
To know the group you're
in wouldn't be shit

501
00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:42,477
without the lead singer?

502
00:20:42,479 --> 00:20:44,627
To know your millions of fans are probably

503
00:20:44,629 --> 00:20:46,079
just fans of the lead singer.

504
00:20:47,709 --> 00:20:50,197
Wait, so did you still
want that apple ale?

505
00:20:50,199 --> 00:20:52,712
I mean, since there's
nothing else, fine.

506
00:21:05,082 --> 00:21:06,307
Thank you, thank you.

507
00:21:06,309 --> 00:21:07,142
Yep, yep.

508
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:12,077
So what's the deal with your name?

509
00:21:12,079 --> 00:21:13,347
I gotta get to the bottom of this.

510
00:21:13,349 --> 00:21:14,927
What do you mean,
what's the deal with it?

511
00:21:14,929 --> 00:21:16,627
Is Picasso your real name?

512
00:21:16,629 --> 00:21:18,197
I'm sure you've answered
that a million times,

513
00:21:18,199 --> 00:21:19,947
but you've never answered me.

514
00:21:19,949 --> 00:21:21,307
My real name is Picasso.

515
00:21:21,309 --> 00:21:24,923
It's spelled like Picasso,
but it's pronounced pick-a-so.

516
00:21:24,925 --> 00:21:28,157
And who decided Picasso
was the name for you?

517
00:21:28,159 --> 00:21:32,217
The legend goes that my
mom had a list of names

518
00:21:32,219 --> 00:21:34,297
and she didn't know which one to pick.

519
00:21:34,299 --> 00:21:37,357
And my dad was very, very impatient.

520
00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:38,747
Annoyingly so.

521
00:21:38,749 --> 00:21:39,957
Pick!

522
00:21:39,959 --> 00:21:40,903
Pick!

523
00:21:40,905 --> 00:21:43,692
Pick a fuckin' name, you trick-ass bitch.

524
00:21:44,759 --> 00:21:45,887
My dad would never ever
talk to my mom like that,

525
00:21:45,889 --> 00:21:47,737
I was taking some creative liberties.

526
00:21:47,739 --> 00:21:49,507
Okay, I think I know how this ends.

527
00:21:49,509 --> 00:21:52,697
Your dad kept telling your
mom to pick, she got fed up,

528
00:21:52,699 --> 00:21:55,207
and named you Picasso
as a form of rebellion.

529
00:21:55,209 --> 00:21:59,052
No, Picasso was actually
one of the names on the list.

530
00:22:00,179 --> 00:22:03,097
24 years later and I still don't
know where she got it from.

531
00:22:03,099 --> 00:22:05,757
She swears it had nothing
to do with Pablo Picasso,

532
00:22:05,759 --> 00:22:08,127
and she gets really upset when people say,

533
00:22:08,129 --> 00:22:10,827
well isn't his name Picasso?

534
00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:12,747
She's adamant that I was named Picasso

535
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:15,057
and I shouldn't let
anyone call me Picasso.

536
00:22:15,059 --> 00:22:16,887
Well, wouldn't she be proud.

537
00:22:16,889 --> 00:22:18,237
I've been calling you Picasso all night

538
00:22:18,239 --> 00:22:19,107
and you haven't corrected me.

539
00:22:19,109 --> 00:22:20,297
I don't correct anyone.

540
00:22:20,299 --> 00:22:23,167
I wish my name was Picasso,
that's why I answer to it.

541
00:22:23,169 --> 00:22:24,497
Picasso sounds like the villain

542
00:22:24,499 --> 00:22:26,340
in an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog.

543
00:22:26,342 --> 00:22:28,537
I could so see that.

544
00:22:28,539 --> 00:22:33,247
For some reason I'm envisioning
a spider-like scarecrow

545
00:22:33,249 --> 00:22:35,647
that comes to life and
eats your happiness.

546
00:22:35,649 --> 00:22:36,547
Oh, I'd watch that episode.

547
00:22:36,549 --> 00:22:38,932
You bet your ass you'd
watch that episode.

548
00:22:40,959 --> 00:22:42,277
So I have something.

549
00:22:42,279 --> 00:22:43,282
Why online dating?

550
00:22:45,469 --> 00:22:47,117
Cause it's there.

551
00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:49,697
I feel like that's so Generation Y.

552
00:22:49,699 --> 00:22:51,397
We're too school for cool.

553
00:22:51,399 --> 00:22:54,287
We refuse to find romance
the way our parents did.

554
00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:56,777
We have to do it technologically.

555
00:22:56,779 --> 00:22:58,647
Isn't that so ironic, though?

556
00:22:58,649 --> 00:23:01,037
That we're connecting
with someone on a device

557
00:23:01,039 --> 00:23:03,982
that isolates us from any and everyone.

558
00:23:05,329 --> 00:23:07,227
I was so Jaden Smith just then.

559
00:23:07,229 --> 00:23:09,157
Wait, I have a Jaden Smithism.

560
00:23:09,159 --> 00:23:12,017
I wish I had a giant toilet

561
00:23:12,019 --> 00:23:14,116
to flush away the world's problems.

562
00:23:14,118 --> 00:23:14,951
Ooh!

563
00:23:16,459 --> 00:23:18,557
If baby goats are called kids,

564
00:23:18,559 --> 00:23:21,117
can kids be called baby goats?

565
00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:21,952
Baa!

566
00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:26,962
Haircuts are cranial abortions.

567
00:23:28,889 --> 00:23:31,199
Are we really reading books or are books

568
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,868
BOTH: Reading us?

569
00:23:34,814 --> 00:23:35,857
Okay, so what about you?

570
00:23:35,859 --> 00:23:37,344
Why was online dating the way to go?

571
00:23:37,346 --> 00:23:39,207
The phone's a safety net.

572
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:42,827
Online you can be anyone,
you can say anything.

573
00:23:42,829 --> 00:23:45,044
If you get rejected by a
girl, you can just block her.

574
00:23:45,046 --> 00:23:47,077
If you get shut down in real life,

575
00:23:47,079 --> 00:23:48,577
you gotta wallow in that defeat.

576
00:23:48,579 --> 00:23:50,687
You can't just act like nothing happened

577
00:23:50,689 --> 00:23:52,127
like you can online.

578
00:23:52,129 --> 00:23:54,357
Yeah, but in the same respect,

579
00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:56,047
when you meet someone in person,

580
00:23:56,049 --> 00:23:58,187
even if they're not interested,

581
00:23:58,189 --> 00:24:00,067
they still have to acknowledge you.

582
00:24:00,069 --> 00:24:02,517
At least, the mannerly
person will acknowledge you.

583
00:24:02,519 --> 00:24:05,527
You're there in the flesh,
making your interest known.

584
00:24:05,529 --> 00:24:08,057
Whereas, online you get so many messages

585
00:24:08,059 --> 00:24:10,337
that people don't respond to.

586
00:24:10,339 --> 00:24:12,087
You know, there's nothing
that compels people

587
00:24:12,089 --> 00:24:13,317
to give you a chance.

588
00:24:13,319 --> 00:24:15,467
Yeah, but there's
thousands of options online.

589
00:24:15,469 --> 00:24:17,143
You'll get it in eventually.

590
00:24:17,145 --> 00:24:17,976
Hmm.

591
00:24:17,978 --> 00:24:19,457
I didn't mean that.

592
00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:20,827
I was just like...

593
00:24:20,829 --> 00:24:22,462
Removes foot from mouth.

594
00:24:27,869 --> 00:24:29,702
Hello, nurse.

595
00:24:32,099 --> 00:24:33,967
Are You Afraid of the Dark?

596
00:24:33,969 --> 00:24:35,682
The complete series.

597
00:24:37,539 --> 00:24:39,357
That sounded unenthusiastic.

598
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:41,857
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Is such a whatever show.

599
00:24:41,859 --> 00:24:43,917
When it comes to children's
horror anthology,

600
00:24:43,919 --> 00:24:45,187
Goosebumps takes the cake.

601
00:24:45,189 --> 00:24:46,917
You think Goosebumps was a better show

602
00:24:46,919 --> 00:24:48,467
than Are You Afraid of the Dark?

603
00:24:48,469 --> 00:24:50,557
Sisanie, I'm worried about you.

604
00:24:50,559 --> 00:24:53,167
It was light years better
than Are You Afraid of the Dark?

605
00:24:53,169 --> 00:24:54,347
Ask anyone.

606
00:24:54,349 --> 00:24:56,637
Clearly, you need a mental
evaluation if you're gonna put

607
00:24:56,639 --> 00:24:59,787
Goosebumps over Are
You Afraid of the Dark?

608
00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:02,997
I mean, on a crappy acting scale, sure,

609
00:25:02,999 --> 00:25:06,287
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
had less crappy performances.

610
00:25:06,289 --> 00:25:07,677
But, come on.

611
00:25:07,679 --> 00:25:10,557
If we're talking about
the nostalgia factor,

612
00:25:10,559 --> 00:25:12,407
nothing will trump Goosebumps.

613
00:25:12,409 --> 00:25:14,167
This is a series that won the kiddies

614
00:25:14,169 --> 00:25:17,097
over in television and literature.

615
00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:19,227
Mad props to R.L. Stine, alright?

616
00:25:19,229 --> 00:25:20,220
Nah.

617
00:25:20,222 --> 00:25:21,837
There was just something so accessible

618
00:25:21,839 --> 00:25:23,227
about Are You Afraid of the Dark?

619
00:25:23,229 --> 00:25:25,547
Here you have a diverse group of kids.

620
00:25:25,549 --> 00:25:27,627
Well, as diverse as you can get

621
00:25:27,629 --> 00:25:29,887
for a Canadian-based
program set in the '90's.

622
00:25:29,889 --> 00:25:32,807
But these kids had
their own little clique,

623
00:25:32,809 --> 00:25:35,447
the Midnight Society,
and they'd sit around

624
00:25:35,449 --> 00:25:37,217
and tell campfire tales.

625
00:25:37,219 --> 00:25:39,177
What kid can't relate to telling

626
00:25:39,179 --> 00:25:41,097
ghost stories with their friends?

627
00:25:41,099 --> 00:25:43,863
The concept alone stole my heart.

628
00:25:43,865 --> 00:25:47,777
But Goosebumps was just so goddamn fun.

629
00:25:47,779 --> 00:25:48,637
See, there it is.

630
00:25:48,639 --> 00:25:49,497
Fun.

631
00:25:49,499 --> 00:25:52,672
I will agree that Goosebumps
was funner, or more fun.

632
00:25:53,909 --> 00:25:55,847
Why isn't funner a real word?

633
00:25:55,849 --> 00:25:57,847
It sounds like a real word.

634
00:25:57,849 --> 00:25:58,847
I think it sounds like a real world.

635
00:25:58,849 --> 00:26:01,009
Picasso, please focus.

636
00:26:01,011 --> 00:26:02,547
Goosebumps was fun,

637
00:26:02,549 --> 00:26:06,067
but Are You Afraid of the Dark? was scary.

638
00:26:06,069 --> 00:26:09,597
That's why it'll always
fart on Goosebumps.

639
00:26:09,599 --> 00:26:11,917
The Goosebumps episodes,
for the most part,

640
00:26:11,919 --> 00:26:13,487
were watered down.

641
00:26:13,489 --> 00:26:15,547
You can tell they were made for kids.

642
00:26:15,549 --> 00:26:19,827
But are You Afraid of
the Dark? had zero chill.

643
00:26:19,829 --> 00:26:22,757
The villains were scary,
the storylines were dark,

644
00:26:22,759 --> 00:26:26,007
and they had no problem
ending a tale on a down note.

645
00:26:26,009 --> 00:26:27,837
They went there.

646
00:26:27,839 --> 00:26:32,297
I always appreciate kid content
that doesn't censor itself.

647
00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:34,987
Because kids are basically
pint-sized adults, right?

648
00:26:34,989 --> 00:26:36,602
We can handle the bleak shit.

649
00:26:38,439 --> 00:26:41,167
I'm just saying, if I had the choice

650
00:26:41,169 --> 00:26:45,077
to binge-watch Goosebumps or
Are You Afraid of the Dark?

651
00:26:45,079 --> 00:26:47,787
I'm always gonna go with Goosebumps.

652
00:26:47,789 --> 00:26:50,657
Even if my preference is solely based

653
00:26:50,659 --> 00:26:53,887
on the fond memories I have
of buying as many Goosebumps

654
00:26:53,889 --> 00:26:55,867
stories as I could at the school book fair

655
00:26:55,869 --> 00:26:58,597
or watching the show on Saturday mornings.

656
00:26:58,599 --> 00:27:01,167
The happiness that Goosebumps brought me

657
00:27:01,169 --> 00:27:04,332
ranks it leaps and bounds above
Are You Afraid of the Dark?

658
00:27:09,661 --> 00:27:11,037
I know what I wanted to ask you?

659
00:27:11,039 --> 00:27:12,557
How much is rent here?

660
00:27:12,559 --> 00:27:13,667
Like $200 something.

661
00:27:13,669 --> 00:27:14,687
Fall off a cliff.

662
00:27:14,689 --> 00:27:16,547
You pay $200 something to live here?

663
00:27:16,549 --> 00:27:18,637
Well, I own it, that's why.

664
00:27:18,639 --> 00:27:20,277
You're a homeowner?

665
00:27:20,279 --> 00:27:21,157
Yeah.

666
00:27:21,159 --> 00:27:22,242
You own a home.

667
00:27:23,259 --> 00:27:25,797
That is what homeowner means.

668
00:27:25,799 --> 00:27:27,867
Are you like low-key
millionaire or something?

669
00:27:27,869 --> 00:27:29,107
No.

670
00:27:29,109 --> 00:27:31,937
My grandfather built cars for Ford.

671
00:27:31,939 --> 00:27:35,127
He worked there for almost 30 years.

672
00:27:35,129 --> 00:27:36,847
He made some very nice money,

673
00:27:36,849 --> 00:27:39,607
and when he passed he
left me a little dough.

674
00:27:39,609 --> 00:27:42,947
A little dough to buy a fuckin' condo.

675
00:27:42,949 --> 00:27:44,887
How much did this place cost?

676
00:27:44,889 --> 00:27:46,587
No, you don't have to answer that.

677
00:27:46,589 --> 00:27:47,427
Wait, yes you do.

678
00:27:47,429 --> 00:27:48,260
How much?

679
00:27:48,262 --> 00:27:50,127
It was not cheap.

680
00:27:50,129 --> 00:27:51,332
That's what I will say.

681
00:27:52,479 --> 00:27:54,807
So what kind of car
do you drive, a Beemer?

682
00:27:54,809 --> 00:27:56,741
No, a Prius.

683
00:27:56,743 --> 00:27:57,801
A Prius?

684
00:27:57,803 --> 00:27:59,020
What's wrong with Priuses?

685
00:27:59,022 --> 00:28:01,089
Do you know how much gas
you save with a Prius?

686
00:28:01,091 --> 00:28:04,747
Priuses are such
anticlimactic cars, you know?

687
00:28:04,749 --> 00:28:07,657
They're also fugly and
they're in abundance.

688
00:28:07,659 --> 00:28:10,587
I see, like, 40 Priuses a day
and they always make me upset.

689
00:28:10,589 --> 00:28:12,137
Why?

690
00:28:12,139 --> 00:28:13,687
Prius drivers are so smug.

691
00:28:13,689 --> 00:28:16,007
Like, ooh, look at me, I drive the most

692
00:28:16,009 --> 00:28:18,707
fuel efficient gasoline-powered
car in the country.

693
00:28:18,709 --> 00:28:20,877
And that's not a good thing?

694
00:28:20,879 --> 00:28:21,957
No, it is.

695
00:28:21,959 --> 00:28:23,502
Then why so hostile?

696
00:28:24,569 --> 00:28:27,587
I don't know, I'll
get back to you on that.

697
00:28:27,589 --> 00:28:30,737
Also, why are you driving a Toyota car

698
00:28:30,739 --> 00:28:33,497
when your grandfather put
his blood, sweat, and tears

699
00:28:33,499 --> 00:28:36,257
into proudly serving
the Ford Motor Company?

700
00:28:36,259 --> 00:28:39,177
You can probably get
discounts on Ford products.

701
00:28:39,179 --> 00:28:40,387
Not at all.

702
00:28:40,389 --> 00:28:42,387
Well, you're still lucky.

703
00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:43,777
Not that your grandpa died.

704
00:28:43,779 --> 00:28:44,927
I'm sorry about that.

705
00:28:44,929 --> 00:28:47,307
But leaving you the inheritance?

706
00:28:47,309 --> 00:28:50,567
I wish my grandpa would die
and leave me some money.

707
00:28:50,569 --> 00:28:52,807
Actually, I don't need the money,

708
00:28:52,809 --> 00:28:54,927
I just wish my grandpa would die.

709
00:28:54,929 --> 00:28:56,287
I don't like my grandpa.

710
00:28:56,289 --> 00:28:58,067
He can't say anything without yelling,

711
00:28:58,069 --> 00:29:00,047
he always spits when he talks,

712
00:29:00,049 --> 00:29:03,427
he can't say thank you,
and he always smells

713
00:29:03,429 --> 00:29:05,667
like olives when he
doesn't even eat olives.

714
00:29:05,669 --> 00:29:07,467
Isn't it interesting how in our old age

715
00:29:07,469 --> 00:29:09,197
we revert back to infancy.

716
00:29:09,199 --> 00:29:13,117
We shit on ourselves freely,
we drool when we're excited,

717
00:29:13,119 --> 00:29:16,497
soft foods are marvelous, and we can say

718
00:29:16,499 --> 00:29:19,357
whatever we want without any backlash.

719
00:29:19,359 --> 00:29:22,407
I remember I was at the
mall with my grandpa,

720
00:29:22,409 --> 00:29:25,787
and this really obese lady walked by,

721
00:29:25,789 --> 00:29:29,012
and my grandfather said, very loudly,

722
00:29:30,029 --> 00:29:32,262
she got the nodamnneck syndrome.

723
00:29:33,439 --> 00:29:36,397
Grandpa, what is nodamnneck?

724
00:29:36,399 --> 00:29:40,612
He said, no damn neck.

725
00:29:41,637 --> 00:29:42,957
And the lady heard him.

726
00:29:42,959 --> 00:29:47,872
She turned around, looked at
him, and then walked away.

727
00:29:48,876 --> 00:29:50,077
You know if I had said that...

728
00:29:50,079 --> 00:29:52,097
She would've beaten
the ambition out of you.

729
00:29:52,099 --> 00:29:53,587
Exactly.

730
00:29:53,589 --> 00:29:55,447
And that wasn't the first or last time

731
00:29:55,449 --> 00:29:57,677
my grandfather said
something crazy like that.

732
00:29:57,679 --> 00:30:02,679
Now, my mom isn't the
best cook, but she tries.

733
00:30:02,869 --> 00:30:05,007
Every Sunday she would make us breakfast.

734
00:30:05,009 --> 00:30:08,397
Pancakes, eggs, fruit, you name it.

735
00:30:08,399 --> 00:30:10,937
Now her eggs weren't so bad,

736
00:30:10,939 --> 00:30:14,197
but her pancakes were a calamity.

737
00:30:14,199 --> 00:30:18,067
Now, my father and I, we'd
never say anything about it,

738
00:30:18,069 --> 00:30:20,397
we'd just eat the pancakes and pretend

739
00:30:20,399 --> 00:30:22,942
they were the best
flapjacks that we ever had.

740
00:30:23,879 --> 00:30:27,287
My grandfather came over one Sunday,

741
00:30:27,289 --> 00:30:29,207
and he ate the food, no problem.

742
00:30:29,209 --> 00:30:31,657
But after breakfast, my mom asked him how

743
00:30:31,659 --> 00:30:35,577
he liked the pancakes, and
he said he would like them

744
00:30:35,579 --> 00:30:38,717
better if they didn't taste like hot shit.

745
00:30:38,719 --> 00:30:39,601
Goddamn, Gertrude.

746
00:30:39,603 --> 00:30:41,967
My mom didn't even get offended.

747
00:30:41,969 --> 00:30:46,537
She just looked at him,
laughed, and walked away.

748
00:30:46,539 --> 00:30:47,937
I look forward to that.

749
00:30:47,939 --> 00:30:49,057
Just being the old dude

750
00:30:49,059 --> 00:30:50,736
that doesn't know how to censor himself.

751
00:30:50,738 --> 00:30:52,527
You and me both.

752
00:30:52,529 --> 00:30:55,253
I'm gonna mow kids down in
my electric shopping cart.

753
00:30:55,255 --> 00:30:57,505
(LAUGHING)

754
00:30:58,829 --> 00:31:00,917
The thought of our
generation being grandparents,

755
00:31:00,919 --> 00:31:02,687
though, is a little scary.

756
00:31:02,689 --> 00:31:05,567
We don't have the same
sensibilities our grandparents had.

757
00:31:05,569 --> 00:31:08,867
Sock hops, having to wait a whole week

758
00:31:08,869 --> 00:31:11,577
just to see a new episode of a TV show

759
00:31:11,579 --> 00:31:12,857
Using landlines.

760
00:31:12,859 --> 00:31:14,318
Respecting our elders.

761
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,867
Actually working to get what you want.

762
00:31:16,869 --> 00:31:19,157
Actually having talent to find success

763
00:31:19,159 --> 00:31:20,724
in the film or music industry.

764
00:31:20,726 --> 00:31:23,617
Having to meet your boyfriend
or girlfriend's parents

765
00:31:23,619 --> 00:31:25,550
before you could actually
call yourselves a couple.

766
00:31:25,552 --> 00:31:26,383
Yeah.

767
00:31:26,385 --> 00:31:29,787
I think the biggest downfall
are the pop culture figures.

768
00:31:29,789 --> 00:31:33,027
Our parents and grandparents
grew up with legit legends.

769
00:31:33,029 --> 00:31:36,187
Who are we supposed to brag
about to our kids or grandkids?

770
00:31:36,189 --> 00:31:39,387
Fetty Wap, Lil' Yatchy,
Beiber the Boy Wonder?

771
00:31:39,389 --> 00:31:44,077
We have J. Cole, Bryson
Tiller, and your girl, Beyoncé.

772
00:31:44,079 --> 00:31:47,207
We have a few icons among
us, but you're right.

773
00:31:47,209 --> 00:31:50,197
It's nowhere near as
special as it used to be.

774
00:31:50,199 --> 00:31:51,682
This is making me sad now.

775
00:31:52,799 --> 00:31:55,157
Wait, random realization.

776
00:31:55,159 --> 00:31:56,857
You grilled me about my name,

777
00:31:56,859 --> 00:32:00,327
but I've never met anybody named Sisanie.

778
00:32:00,329 --> 00:32:02,447
Your name's pretty out there too.

779
00:32:02,449 --> 00:32:05,257
Well, it's a pretty uninspired story.

780
00:32:05,259 --> 00:32:06,907
I was conceived in Sisani.

781
00:32:06,909 --> 00:32:08,498
That's pretty much it.

782
00:32:08,500 --> 00:32:09,927
Where's Sisani?

783
00:32:09,929 --> 00:32:10,760
It's in Greece.

784
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:12,877
My parents were vacationing there,

785
00:32:12,879 --> 00:32:15,837
things got a little frisky,
and then 9 months later

786
00:32:15,839 --> 00:32:18,247
I was plunged into consciousness.

787
00:32:18,249 --> 00:32:19,197
The only difference is my name

788
00:32:19,199 --> 00:32:20,707
is spelled with an E at the end.

789
00:32:20,709 --> 00:32:22,317
Isn't that unpleasant that your name

790
00:32:22,319 --> 00:32:24,594
brings to mind your parents having sex.

791
00:32:24,596 --> 00:32:25,427
No.

792
00:32:25,429 --> 00:32:27,037
If my parents named me after the place

793
00:32:27,039 --> 00:32:29,397
where they got it on in,
I could never hear my name

794
00:32:29,399 --> 00:32:34,267
without thinking of my parents
doing unspeakable things.

795
00:32:34,269 --> 00:32:37,242
You may have some things
you need to work out then.

796
00:32:39,459 --> 00:32:41,022
You are such a guy.

797
00:32:42,319 --> 00:32:44,017
I feel like I should
be offended by that.

798
00:32:44,019 --> 00:32:45,267
No, it's not a bad thing,

799
00:32:45,269 --> 00:32:48,457
it's just your apartment
is a guy's apartment.

800
00:32:48,459 --> 00:32:51,489
Minimal furniture, a TV
larger than necessary,

801
00:32:51,491 --> 00:32:54,627
and I'm getting a vision
that in one of your cabinets

802
00:32:54,629 --> 00:32:56,987
you have a family size bag of chips in it.

803
00:32:56,989 --> 00:32:59,817
Sour Cream and Onion.

804
00:32:59,819 --> 00:33:01,666
How do you do it?

805
00:33:01,668 --> 00:33:03,227
I's good.

806
00:33:03,229 --> 00:33:05,129
So what do you do for fun around here?

807
00:33:12,009 --> 00:33:12,842
Ha.

808
00:33:16,038 --> 00:33:17,527
You lucky little shit.

809
00:33:17,529 --> 00:33:19,857
Is it luck to win 7 times in a row?

810
00:33:19,859 --> 00:33:21,077
This is skill, chica.

811
00:33:21,079 --> 00:33:22,507
No, reset that shit.

812
00:33:22,509 --> 00:33:24,472
Why are you doing this to yourself?

813
00:33:25,479 --> 00:33:26,312
Hmm?

814
00:33:31,789 --> 00:33:36,067
Three, two, one, Ray Allen with the shot!

815
00:33:36,069 --> 00:33:36,902
Booyah!

816
00:33:38,029 --> 00:33:39,590
Where's the sportsmanship?

817
00:33:39,592 --> 00:33:41,612
It's up my ass and down the street.

818
00:33:43,249 --> 00:33:45,531
You don't have to do
that, I'll pick it up.

819
00:33:45,533 --> 00:33:47,088
Can you get me another ale, though?

820
00:33:47,090 --> 00:33:49,222
I sure can, loser.

821
00:33:51,449 --> 00:33:53,102
Oh, goodness, everywhere.

822
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:12,717
Look what I found.

823
00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:14,877
This is actually impressive.

824
00:34:14,879 --> 00:34:17,027
You could easily get your
rocks off via the internet,

825
00:34:17,029 --> 00:34:19,587
but you are taking it
back to the old school

826
00:34:19,589 --> 00:34:21,757
with the hard copy porn.

827
00:34:21,759 --> 00:34:23,292
That deserves a slow clap.

828
00:34:23,294 --> 00:34:25,312
(HANDS CLAPPING)

829
00:34:25,314 --> 00:34:27,567
I actually forgot I had that.

830
00:34:27,569 --> 00:34:29,447
So you're taking ownership then?

831
00:34:29,449 --> 00:34:31,430
No cockamamie excuses?

832
00:34:31,432 --> 00:34:32,767
What could I say?

833
00:34:32,769 --> 00:34:34,497
Your friend, Hut, left it.

834
00:34:34,499 --> 00:34:35,667
Nope, it's all me.

835
00:34:35,669 --> 00:34:38,484
Hmm, you got a lot of these?

836
00:34:38,486 --> 00:34:41,227
Not a lot, but there are others.

837
00:34:41,229 --> 00:34:42,842
More honesty, good for you.

838
00:34:43,909 --> 00:34:45,747
One thing I will say is I don't always

839
00:34:45,749 --> 00:34:48,087
look through that for gratification.

840
00:34:48,089 --> 00:34:49,837
I also do it because I find something

841
00:34:49,839 --> 00:34:51,267
feministic about porn stars.

842
00:34:51,269 --> 00:34:53,367
You were doing so well.

843
00:34:53,369 --> 00:34:55,217
Now you're flinging shit in my face.

844
00:34:55,219 --> 00:34:58,947
I mean, doing porn isn't
a glamorous line of work

845
00:34:58,949 --> 00:35:00,747
despite the way it's advertised,

846
00:35:00,749 --> 00:35:03,427
but I still find something feministic

847
00:35:03,429 --> 00:35:05,627
about women in the porn industry.

848
00:35:05,629 --> 00:35:08,637
Yeah, cum on my face Mr. Postman.

849
00:35:08,639 --> 00:35:10,707
What freedom fighters they are.

850
00:35:10,709 --> 00:35:14,997
Well, on a cursory level
it seems very demeaning,

851
00:35:14,999 --> 00:35:17,557
but these women are loaded.

852
00:35:17,559 --> 00:35:19,607
Loaded with semen.

853
00:35:19,609 --> 00:35:23,597
No, well yeah, but they're
also loaded with cash.

854
00:35:23,599 --> 00:35:25,182
They get paid to screw.

855
00:35:26,259 --> 00:35:28,517
So if you had a
daughter and she ended up

856
00:35:28,519 --> 00:35:30,962
being a porn star, you'd support her?

857
00:35:31,959 --> 00:35:34,767
I wouldn't want that,
but if she's of age,

858
00:35:34,769 --> 00:35:36,227
she can make a living however she'd like

859
00:35:36,229 --> 00:35:37,397
as long as it's legal.

860
00:35:37,399 --> 00:35:38,497
You don't mean that.

861
00:35:38,499 --> 00:35:41,987
Look, women are sexualized
everyday against their will.

862
00:35:41,989 --> 00:35:45,087
Porn stars are totally
and completely in control

863
00:35:45,089 --> 00:35:47,487
of what goes in or out of their bodies.

864
00:35:47,489 --> 00:35:50,057
They're not doing anything
that they don't wanna do.

865
00:35:50,059 --> 00:35:52,227
Yeah, but what about those videos

866
00:35:52,229 --> 00:35:53,957
where the dudes take it too far?

867
00:35:53,959 --> 00:35:56,187
They go way past their
co-stars comfort level

868
00:35:56,189 --> 00:35:57,807
without having an ounce of compassion.

869
00:35:57,809 --> 00:36:00,057
Those guys are dick-shits,
but for the most part,

870
00:36:00,059 --> 00:36:02,867
the porn industry has
stipulations that are respected.

871
00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:04,867
I'm not saying that women
should set their sights

872
00:36:04,869 --> 00:36:06,867
on doing porn, of course not.

873
00:36:06,869 --> 00:36:09,937
I am saying those women
that, for whatever reason,

874
00:36:09,939 --> 00:36:11,867
find themselves in that world,

875
00:36:11,869 --> 00:36:14,167
the ones with tough
skin, the ones who know

876
00:36:14,169 --> 00:36:17,037
that they're more than just
fat-tittied bimbo number 2,

877
00:36:17,039 --> 00:36:19,517
they deserve recognition
for paying the bills

878
00:36:19,519 --> 00:36:21,607
with the assets that
they've been blessed with.

879
00:36:21,609 --> 00:36:24,117
The assets they were blessed with?

880
00:36:24,119 --> 00:36:28,497
Um, like, 98% of porn
stars have fake asses,

881
00:36:28,499 --> 00:36:32,037
fake boobs, fake hair,
fake lips, fake eyes.

882
00:36:32,039 --> 00:36:34,587
Well, they're blessed with
the money to adorn themselves.

883
00:36:34,589 --> 00:36:36,757
Yeah, but why are they doing that?

884
00:36:36,759 --> 00:36:38,867
They're doing that to
follow some beauty chart

885
00:36:38,869 --> 00:36:41,597
that was created by some fuckin' vermin

886
00:36:41,599 --> 00:36:42,787
who thinks he has the authority

887
00:36:42,789 --> 00:36:44,417
to decide what makes a woman attractive.

888
00:36:44,419 --> 00:36:46,057
Yeah, but they're doing what they have

889
00:36:46,059 --> 00:36:47,457
to do to stay in the game.

890
00:36:47,459 --> 00:36:50,437
Yeah, but in the end, it's
the men who call the shots.

891
00:36:50,439 --> 00:36:51,877
Hardly feministic.

892
00:36:51,879 --> 00:36:55,467
But the face of porn,
the ones that are keeping

893
00:36:55,469 --> 00:36:58,677
this industry as popular
as it is, are the women.

894
00:36:58,679 --> 00:37:00,437
Yeah, but look at the side effects.

895
00:37:00,439 --> 00:37:02,677
You got those guys out there
that only know how to relate

896
00:37:02,679 --> 00:37:05,907
to women by what they see
on their computer screens.

897
00:37:05,909 --> 00:37:07,677
Did you forget what happened to me?

898
00:37:07,679 --> 00:37:08,947
You're totally right.

899
00:37:08,949 --> 00:37:11,657
I'm just saying that porn stars
are just doing their jobs.

900
00:37:11,659 --> 00:37:13,647
You can't blame them for
the dummies out there

901
00:37:13,649 --> 00:37:16,657
that don't know the difference
between reality and fantasy.

902
00:37:16,659 --> 00:37:19,157
That's like watching Man of Steel

903
00:37:19,159 --> 00:37:23,287
and saying, oh, Superman
can fly, so can I!

904
00:37:23,289 --> 00:37:24,567
People have tried.

905
00:37:24,569 --> 00:37:25,507
And they're dummies.

906
00:37:25,509 --> 00:37:26,707
Like I said.

907
00:37:26,709 --> 00:37:28,907
But also porn can be a
means to better oneself.

908
00:37:28,909 --> 00:37:31,497
Like, look at that girl who
did porn to pay her tuition.

909
00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:33,887
She used what she had
to get what she needed,

910
00:37:33,889 --> 00:37:35,457
and that's awesome.

911
00:37:35,459 --> 00:37:38,247
I know a guy that has sex
with grannies to keep himself

912
00:37:38,249 --> 00:37:41,167
financially satiated
and he's hailed for it.

913
00:37:41,169 --> 00:37:43,787
Female porn stars deserve praise too.

914
00:37:43,789 --> 00:37:48,147
You have a friend that has
sex with old ladies for money?

915
00:37:48,149 --> 00:37:49,827
That is revolting.

916
00:37:49,829 --> 00:37:51,407
You gotta eat.

917
00:37:51,409 --> 00:37:52,527
No pun intended.

918
00:37:52,529 --> 00:37:54,707
That pun was so intended.

919
00:37:54,709 --> 00:37:55,662
How old's this guy?

920
00:37:56,579 --> 00:37:57,597
24.

921
00:37:57,599 --> 00:37:59,377
Of course he is.

922
00:37:59,379 --> 00:38:02,277
Yet another Generation Y distinction.

923
00:38:02,279 --> 00:38:04,847
Only a '90s baby would
mitigate his probity

924
00:38:04,849 --> 00:38:06,617
by investing in his dick.

925
00:38:06,619 --> 00:38:09,077
You act like prostitution and being

926
00:38:09,079 --> 00:38:11,757
a sugar baby are new professions.

927
00:38:11,759 --> 00:38:13,727
They've been around for centuries.

928
00:38:13,729 --> 00:38:14,597
I know that.

929
00:38:14,599 --> 00:38:16,837
But back then, people
had to sell their bodies

930
00:38:16,839 --> 00:38:19,827
because they had no other way
to provide for themselves.

931
00:38:19,829 --> 00:38:22,286
They also weren't proud
of what they were doing.

932
00:38:22,288 --> 00:38:25,571
Does this guy enjoy
having sex with grannies?

933
00:38:25,573 --> 00:38:26,427
Oh yeah.

934
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:27,287
Ew.

935
00:38:27,289 --> 00:38:29,687
Sex is for pleasure not profit.

936
00:38:29,689 --> 00:38:31,894
I've always thought
any work that was legal

937
00:38:31,896 --> 00:38:34,897
was good work, and porn is legal.

938
00:38:34,899 --> 00:38:36,417
Prostitution isn't legal.

939
00:38:36,419 --> 00:38:37,507
It is in Nevada.

940
00:38:37,509 --> 00:38:39,217
Being a sugar baby isn't legal either.

941
00:38:39,219 --> 00:38:40,706
It actually is.

942
00:38:40,708 --> 00:38:42,147
The guy I told you about,

943
00:38:42,149 --> 00:38:43,827
he actually explained how it works.

944
00:38:43,829 --> 00:38:45,977
He hangs out with the
grannies, but there's never

945
00:38:45,979 --> 00:38:48,567
an explicit deal to
exchange money for sex.

946
00:38:48,569 --> 00:38:52,237
This guy, he's pretty vulgar.

947
00:38:52,239 --> 00:38:55,487
He talks about sex a lot,
but it's more than that.

948
00:38:55,489 --> 00:38:57,057
His sugar mamas take care of him,

949
00:38:57,059 --> 00:38:59,707
and in he provides them
with companionship.

950
00:38:59,709 --> 00:39:01,257
Sex is just a bonus.

951
00:39:01,259 --> 00:39:03,217
It doesn't matter
which way you frame it,

952
00:39:03,219 --> 00:39:07,612
prostitution, sugar babying,
porn, none of that's reputable.

953
00:39:08,459 --> 00:39:09,617
What is reputable?

954
00:39:09,619 --> 00:39:12,937
A job that requires you
to keep your clothes on.

955
00:39:12,939 --> 00:39:14,087
You're in finance, right?

956
00:39:14,089 --> 00:39:15,042
Yeah.

957
00:39:16,029 --> 00:39:17,147
That's a real job.

958
00:39:17,149 --> 00:39:19,617
But it's not a job that I enjoy.

959
00:39:19,619 --> 00:39:21,020
Then why do you do it?

960
00:39:21,022 --> 00:39:22,767
Because it pays well.

961
00:39:22,769 --> 00:39:25,037
Look, for a person like my grandpa,

962
00:39:25,039 --> 00:39:26,877
he worked to take care of his family.

963
00:39:26,879 --> 00:39:28,677
I don't even know if he
liked working for Ford,

964
00:39:28,679 --> 00:39:29,937
but he did it.

965
00:39:29,939 --> 00:39:31,587
That's the old school mentality.

966
00:39:31,589 --> 00:39:34,647
Work to provide, not work to enjoy.

967
00:39:34,649 --> 00:39:36,617
That's something our generation
does get right, though.

968
00:39:36,619 --> 00:39:39,142
We don't do shit unless it makes us happy.

969
00:39:40,419 --> 00:39:41,869
I missed the memo apparently.

970
00:39:42,739 --> 00:39:45,562
So how did you get into
finance if you don't like it?

971
00:39:48,129 --> 00:39:48,960
You're probably going to think

972
00:39:48,962 --> 00:39:50,117
I'm flinging more shit in your face,

973
00:39:50,119 --> 00:39:53,337
but senior year of high
school I saw everyone

974
00:39:53,339 --> 00:39:55,582
around me latch on to a field of study.

975
00:39:57,019 --> 00:39:58,797
I saw everyone find something

976
00:39:58,799 --> 00:40:00,722
that they really connected with.

977
00:40:01,699 --> 00:40:02,877
I didn't know what I wanted to do,

978
00:40:02,879 --> 00:40:05,107
and I didn't want anyone to know

979
00:40:05,109 --> 00:40:06,427
that I didn't know what I wanted to do.

980
00:40:06,429 --> 00:40:10,027
So, literally, I looked up the top 10

981
00:40:10,029 --> 00:40:12,987
most popular professions,
I wrote them all down

982
00:40:12,989 --> 00:40:16,382
on separate pieces of
paper, I put them in a hat,

983
00:40:17,319 --> 00:40:21,487
and I picked one and it said accounting.

984
00:40:21,489 --> 00:40:24,647
So you spent four years studying

985
00:40:24,649 --> 00:40:26,387
something you have no interest in?

986
00:40:26,389 --> 00:40:27,447
Yeah.

987
00:40:27,449 --> 00:40:29,357
I thought by the time I turned 18

988
00:40:29,359 --> 00:40:30,190
I should've found my calling,

989
00:40:30,192 --> 00:40:32,427
and when I hadn't, I was worried.

990
00:40:32,429 --> 00:40:34,397
Even now, I don't really know where I'd be

991
00:40:34,399 --> 00:40:36,549
if I hadn't done that
college major raffle.

992
00:40:38,609 --> 00:40:41,147
I live my days as a chameleon.

993
00:40:41,149 --> 00:40:44,927
I go to work because that's
what people my age do.

994
00:40:44,929 --> 00:40:48,722
I drink coffee because
that's what people my age do.

995
00:40:49,849 --> 00:40:51,137
The only time I don't feel out of place

996
00:40:51,139 --> 00:40:53,632
is when I'm just on my futon watching TV.

997
00:40:55,049 --> 00:40:56,827
That's why I salute porn
stars and the people

998
00:40:56,829 --> 00:40:58,367
that you may call degenerates,

999
00:40:58,369 --> 00:41:02,207
because at least they're
doing what they enjoy.

1000
00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:06,447
And speaking of doing things
you enjoy, you're a dramaturg.

1001
00:41:06,449 --> 00:41:09,157
I'd never even heard of that before you.

1002
00:41:09,159 --> 00:41:11,707
But it's something that you're keen on.

1003
00:41:11,709 --> 00:41:14,577
You contextualize the world of a play.

1004
00:41:14,579 --> 00:41:16,457
You're the bridge that connects

1005
00:41:16,459 --> 00:41:20,740
the text, the actors, and the audience.

1006
00:41:20,742 --> 00:41:22,367
Do you know what any
of that means or are

1007
00:41:22,369 --> 00:41:24,803
you just snowballing the
shit that I told you before?

1008
00:41:24,805 --> 00:41:28,192
Ah, a little bit of both,
but I'm mostly snowballing.

1009
00:41:29,319 --> 00:41:32,442
We're theatrical gurus, basically.

1010
00:41:33,279 --> 00:41:36,277
We're critical thinkers
to the highest degree.

1011
00:41:36,279 --> 00:41:39,247
We take the literary info, cultural info,

1012
00:41:39,249 --> 00:41:42,657
artistic info, and symbolic info,

1013
00:41:42,659 --> 00:41:45,427
though that's pretty much
in line with artistic info,

1014
00:41:45,429 --> 00:41:48,097
and we provide all of that to our team,

1015
00:41:48,099 --> 00:41:49,887
before and during the show.

1016
00:41:49,889 --> 00:41:51,728
And then sometimes after depending on

1017
00:41:51,730 --> 00:41:54,427
how much of a mindfuck the play was.

1018
00:41:54,429 --> 00:41:56,267
And you're working on an
ecological piece now, right?

1019
00:41:56,269 --> 00:41:57,647
The Shakespeare one?

1020
00:41:57,649 --> 00:41:59,917
Yeah, we're doing an
interactive adaptation

1021
00:41:59,919 --> 00:42:01,977
of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

1022
00:42:01,979 --> 00:42:04,597
There's no actual set, it
takes place place all outside.

1023
00:42:04,599 --> 00:42:06,837
We're really playing with nature's role

1024
00:42:06,839 --> 00:42:09,477
in this world that Shakespeare created.

1025
00:42:09,479 --> 00:42:12,127
Whether he knew it or not, he really gave

1026
00:42:12,129 --> 00:42:14,887
a voice to nature in
the form of the fairies.

1027
00:42:14,889 --> 00:42:16,271
The forest is their home.

1028
00:42:16,273 --> 00:42:18,067
The forest is what they know.

1029
00:42:18,069 --> 00:42:20,837
The fairies, the creatures
that embody nature,

1030
00:42:20,839 --> 00:42:23,517
they're the strongest
characters in the entire play.

1031
00:42:23,519 --> 00:42:27,347
And the fact that they're
proficient in enchantment

1032
00:42:27,349 --> 00:42:30,547
conveys just how dominant nature is.

1033
00:42:30,549 --> 00:42:33,297
So we're really trying
bringing all that out.

1034
00:42:33,299 --> 00:42:34,521
I'd really like to see that.

1035
00:42:34,523 --> 00:42:35,773
I can get you a ticket.

1036
00:42:37,549 --> 00:42:40,097
But here's my thing
about ecological theater.

1037
00:42:40,099 --> 00:42:42,857
I saw this play once, I don't
remember what it was called,

1038
00:42:42,859 --> 00:42:44,687
but it was about these two polar bears

1039
00:42:44,689 --> 00:42:47,537
that were struggling to survive
in the changing climate.

1040
00:42:47,539 --> 00:42:49,767
One thing that I could not get over was

1041
00:42:49,769 --> 00:42:52,037
why these polar bears spoke like people,

1042
00:42:52,039 --> 00:42:53,007
and not just any people,

1043
00:42:53,009 --> 00:42:55,537
they spoke like characters
in a Mamet play.

1044
00:42:55,539 --> 00:42:57,427
Like F-words and all.

1045
00:42:57,429 --> 00:42:59,225
I think I know what
play you're talking about.

1046
00:42:59,227 --> 00:43:00,567
Ben and Bart.

1047
00:43:00,569 --> 00:43:02,567
Sure, but if you really wanna make

1048
00:43:02,569 --> 00:43:04,077
an ecological theater piece,

1049
00:43:04,079 --> 00:43:06,057
wouldn't it be best to show animals

1050
00:43:06,059 --> 00:43:08,267
and nature as they really are?

1051
00:43:08,269 --> 00:43:10,687
I mean, I understand what
you and your team are doing.

1052
00:43:10,689 --> 00:43:12,227
But that's different
because you're working

1053
00:43:12,229 --> 00:43:13,867
with material that already exists.

1054
00:43:13,869 --> 00:43:18,897
But this Ben and Bart stuff,
polar bears don't talk.

1055
00:43:18,899 --> 00:43:21,157
This little buddy comedy approach,

1056
00:43:21,159 --> 00:43:23,687
it diminished how serious
climate change is,

1057
00:43:23,689 --> 00:43:27,567
and it humanized a very
non-human narrative.

1058
00:43:27,569 --> 00:43:29,457
It would've been much more compelling

1059
00:43:29,459 --> 00:43:32,797
to let actors that actually
looked like bears move around

1060
00:43:32,799 --> 00:43:36,177
the space and react to what's
going on without talking.

1061
00:43:36,179 --> 00:43:37,010
I'd be all for that.

1062
00:43:37,012 --> 00:43:40,417
But most audiences won't pay
to see something like that.

1063
00:43:40,419 --> 00:43:43,907
That's why you see talking
trees or talking polar bears.

1064
00:43:43,909 --> 00:43:46,123
We try to wrap an ecological message

1065
00:43:46,125 --> 00:43:48,737
into the play without
the audience knowing.

1066
00:43:48,739 --> 00:43:51,197
Then don't advertise
them as ecological plays.

1067
00:43:51,199 --> 00:43:52,772
Just call them plays.

1068
00:43:54,019 --> 00:43:54,969
You got any food?

1069
00:43:56,262 --> 00:43:58,107
I think some chips would make you happy.

1070
00:43:58,109 --> 00:43:59,259
I think you're right.

1071
00:44:00,709 --> 00:44:02,467
Okay, here's one.

1072
00:44:02,469 --> 00:44:03,952
Kill, fuck, marry.

1073
00:44:05,259 --> 00:44:09,349
Meg, Princess Jasmine, and Princess Tiana.

1074
00:44:09,351 --> 00:44:11,257
That is quite the roster.

1075
00:44:11,259 --> 00:44:13,787
I would fuck Princess Jasmine,

1076
00:44:13,789 --> 00:44:16,497
because you know Aladdin's
not giving it to her right.

1077
00:44:16,499 --> 00:44:18,117
I would marry Princess Tiana,

1078
00:44:18,119 --> 00:44:21,397
because I really think she'd
make me feel invincible.

1079
00:44:21,399 --> 00:44:22,230
Sorry Meg.

1080
00:44:22,232 --> 00:44:24,197
Of course you'd kill the most

1081
00:44:24,199 --> 00:44:26,967
underrated Disney princess in the world.

1082
00:44:26,969 --> 00:44:28,767
What other Princess gives you cynicism,

1083
00:44:28,769 --> 00:44:29,957
beauty, and backbone.

1084
00:44:29,959 --> 00:44:31,587
I still gotta kill her.

1085
00:44:31,589 --> 00:44:33,090
You're such an ass-dragon.

1086
00:44:33,092 --> 00:44:34,957
Okay, this is getting serious.

1087
00:44:34,959 --> 00:44:39,959
Hmm, Prince Charming, Li Shang,
and the Beast in human form.

1088
00:44:41,219 --> 00:44:42,707
Um, geez.

1089
00:44:42,709 --> 00:44:44,507
Okay, kill Prince Charming.

1090
00:44:44,509 --> 00:44:46,387
He's too much of a square for me.

1091
00:44:46,389 --> 00:44:49,377
Marry Li Shang, because I think
he'd make a man out of me.

1092
00:44:49,379 --> 00:44:53,387
And fuck the Beast, cause he's a beast.

1093
00:44:53,389 --> 00:44:55,997
Ah, that's a noble selection.

1094
00:44:55,999 --> 00:44:56,830
Oh yes.

1095
00:44:56,832 --> 00:45:00,737
Ursula, Cruella De Vil, and Lady Tremaine.

1096
00:45:00,739 --> 00:45:02,777
Ooh, I'd kill Cruella immediately.

1097
00:45:02,779 --> 00:45:04,117
She's too skinny for me.

1098
00:45:04,119 --> 00:45:06,687
I would marry Lady Tremaine.

1099
00:45:06,689 --> 00:45:08,347
And I would fuck Ursula.

1100
00:45:08,349 --> 00:45:10,465
I'm swimming all up in that octopussy,

1101
00:45:10,467 --> 00:45:11,298
just (IMITATING SWIMMING).

1102
00:45:11,300 --> 00:45:12,952
Oh my God, you really just said that.

1103
00:45:13,882 --> 00:45:14,713
Ew.

1104
00:45:14,715 --> 00:45:17,277
Okay, I get very involved
when I play these games, okay?

1105
00:45:17,279 --> 00:45:18,337
Alright.

1106
00:45:18,339 --> 00:45:21,962
Jafar, Hades, and Gaston.

1107
00:45:23,149 --> 00:45:26,837
Now you'd think I'd fuck the
muscle-bound Gaston, right?

1108
00:45:26,839 --> 00:45:27,670
Hell no.

1109
00:45:27,672 --> 00:45:30,757
He'd rather fuck himself,
so I'm gonna kill him.

1110
00:45:30,759 --> 00:45:33,877
Marry Hades, because he's
the ruler of the underworld.

1111
00:45:33,879 --> 00:45:36,437
Can someone say sovereignty?

1112
00:45:36,439 --> 00:45:38,577
And I'd fuck Jafar, because underneath

1113
00:45:38,579 --> 00:45:41,549
that rough exterior I think
he'd be a generous lover.

1114
00:45:41,551 --> 00:45:44,087
Now that deserves a slow clap.

1115
00:45:44,089 --> 00:45:46,510
Wait, I have to do it with you.

1116
00:45:46,512 --> 00:45:49,262
(HANDS CLAPPING)

1117
00:45:55,129 --> 00:45:56,137
You sure you wanna do this?

1118
00:45:56,139 --> 00:45:58,697
Did you not hear me when
I said I'm The Riddler?

1119
00:45:58,699 --> 00:46:00,067
Okay, last chance to tap out.

1120
00:46:00,069 --> 00:46:02,535
I don't need to tap
out, I'm The Riddler.

1121
00:46:02,537 --> 00:46:03,368
Are you really?

1122
00:46:03,370 --> 00:46:04,287
Yes.

1123
00:46:04,289 --> 00:46:06,707
As an only child, you
have a lot of down time.

1124
00:46:06,709 --> 00:46:09,057
I read riddle books all day.

1125
00:46:09,059 --> 00:46:11,037
That's not something I'd brag about.

1126
00:46:11,039 --> 00:46:11,870
Whatever.

1127
00:46:11,872 --> 00:46:14,417
I'm ready like Spongebob, alright?

1128
00:46:14,419 --> 00:46:16,417
Okay, you know what
happens if you get one wrong.

1129
00:46:16,419 --> 00:46:17,420
I do know, but that's not something

1130
00:46:17,422 --> 00:46:21,887
that I need to worry about,
because I'm gonna ace this shit.

1131
00:46:21,889 --> 00:46:24,157
Okay, coming at you.

1132
00:46:24,159 --> 00:46:25,777
Five of the hardest riddles.

1133
00:46:25,779 --> 00:46:27,331
Five of the easiest riddles.

1134
00:46:27,333 --> 00:46:28,164
Mhm.

1135
00:46:28,166 --> 00:46:30,587
Number one, it's more powerful than God.

1136
00:46:30,589 --> 00:46:32,157
It's more evil than the devil.

1137
00:46:32,159 --> 00:46:33,097
The poor have it.

1138
00:46:33,099 --> 00:46:34,017
The rich need it.

1139
00:46:34,019 --> 00:46:35,007
If you eat it, you'll die.

1140
00:46:35,009 --> 00:46:35,840
What is it?

1141
00:46:35,842 --> 00:46:36,827
Nothing.

1142
00:46:36,829 --> 00:46:38,507
I have two arms, but fingers none.

1143
00:46:38,509 --> 00:46:40,197
I have two feet, but cannot run.

1144
00:46:40,199 --> 00:46:42,297
I carry well, but I've found I carry best

1145
00:46:42,299 --> 00:46:43,407
with my feet off the ground.

1146
00:46:43,409 --> 00:46:44,240
What am I?

1147
00:46:44,242 --> 00:46:46,167
Yawn, wheel barrel.

1148
00:46:46,169 --> 00:46:48,937
The more you take, the more
you leave behind, what am I?

1149
00:46:48,939 --> 00:46:49,770
Fingerprints.

1150
00:46:49,772 --> 00:46:51,447
You can't handle me.

1151
00:46:51,449 --> 00:46:53,467
What disappears as
soon as you say its name?

1152
00:46:53,469 --> 00:46:54,677
Silence.

1153
00:46:54,679 --> 00:46:55,752
Last one, come on.

1154
00:46:56,589 --> 00:46:59,047
What type of dress can not be worn?

1155
00:46:59,049 --> 00:47:00,857
That was your last one, really?

1156
00:47:00,859 --> 00:47:01,997
You could've done better.

1157
00:47:01,999 --> 00:47:03,727
Much, much better.

1158
00:47:03,729 --> 00:47:06,102
An address.

1159
00:47:08,859 --> 00:47:11,267
Hey, now I have a bonus one for you.

1160
00:47:11,269 --> 00:47:12,487
That wasn't part of the deal.

1161
00:47:12,489 --> 00:47:14,097
I thought you were The Riddler.

1162
00:47:14,099 --> 00:47:14,977
Fine.

1163
00:47:14,979 --> 00:47:16,247
Riddle my boots.

1164
00:47:16,249 --> 00:47:17,080
Okay.

1165
00:47:17,082 --> 00:47:18,907
I went to a football game, right?

1166
00:47:18,909 --> 00:47:22,077
The quarterback threw a
pass to the wide receiver.

1167
00:47:22,079 --> 00:47:24,217
The wide receiver caught
it in the end zone,

1168
00:47:24,219 --> 00:47:26,037
but no guys scored a touchdown.

1169
00:47:26,039 --> 00:47:27,106
How can that be?

1170
00:47:27,108 --> 00:47:27,939
What?

1171
00:47:27,941 --> 00:47:29,497
This has to be a trick question.

1172
00:47:29,499 --> 00:47:31,549
Was there a penalty or something?

1173
00:47:31,551 --> 00:47:33,407
No, it was very a clean touchdown.

1174
00:47:33,409 --> 00:47:35,047
There just weren't any guys on the field.

1175
00:47:35,049 --> 00:47:35,880
That can't be.

1176
00:47:35,882 --> 00:47:37,167
You can't score a touchdown

1177
00:47:37,169 --> 00:47:38,857
without any guys on the field.

1178
00:47:38,859 --> 00:47:39,767
I'm telling you.

1179
00:47:39,769 --> 00:47:41,397
No guys were playing.

1180
00:47:41,399 --> 00:47:43,184
Was it an imaginary game or something?

1181
00:47:43,186 --> 00:47:45,282
No, it was very real game.

1182
00:47:46,569 --> 00:47:48,219
You've gotta be pulling my leg.

1183
00:47:49,319 --> 00:47:51,792
You can't score a
touchdown without any guys.

1184
00:47:52,649 --> 00:47:53,597
What are you talking about?

1185
00:47:53,599 --> 00:47:55,552
It was an all girl's football game.

1186
00:47:56,398 --> 00:47:58,532
Goddamn, Gertrude.

1187
00:48:00,489 --> 00:48:03,302
Gonna do some relish.

1188
00:48:03,304 --> 00:48:04,137
Mmm.

1189
00:48:05,368 --> 00:48:07,912
I think we'll top it off
with some chocolate sauce.

1190
00:48:09,589 --> 00:48:10,482
Oh yeah.

1191
00:48:12,019 --> 00:48:13,652
Stir that bad boy up.

1192
00:48:15,999 --> 00:48:19,302
One Disaster On the Rocks for
the overconfident young bloke.

1193
00:48:20,849 --> 00:48:21,680
Can I tap out now?

1194
00:48:21,682 --> 00:48:23,217
I thought you didn't need to tap out.

1195
00:48:23,219 --> 00:48:24,669
You're The Riddler, remember?

1196
00:48:26,029 --> 00:48:26,862
Drink up.

1197
00:48:27,729 --> 00:48:30,363
And if you're gonna barf, do it that way.

1198
00:48:30,365 --> 00:48:32,948
(UPBEAT MUSIC)

1199
00:48:42,817 --> 00:48:45,817
(RECORD SCRATCHING)

1200
00:48:46,759 --> 00:48:49,009
(RETCHING)

1201
00:49:03,021 --> 00:49:05,647
We won't be doing that
anymore, now will we?

1202
00:49:05,649 --> 00:49:07,002
You fucking dummy.

1203
00:49:09,351 --> 00:49:11,368
(TOILET FLUSHING)

1204
00:49:11,370 --> 00:49:14,037
(PHONE BEEPING)

1205
00:49:33,489 --> 00:49:35,044
You okay?

1206
00:49:35,046 --> 00:49:36,147
I am now.

1207
00:49:36,149 --> 00:49:38,057
Nice barf fest?

1208
00:49:38,059 --> 00:49:39,237
Oh yeah.

1209
00:49:39,239 --> 00:49:41,107
Yeah, I know all about that.

1210
00:49:41,109 --> 00:49:44,557
At my old apartment I
accidentally ate a roach.

1211
00:49:44,559 --> 00:49:46,697
How do you accidentally eat a roach?

1212
00:49:46,699 --> 00:49:48,717
I was making some food in the kitchen.

1213
00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:50,717
I turned my back for like two seconds,

1214
00:49:50,719 --> 00:49:53,527
and the little dirtbag made
a break for my sandwich.

1215
00:49:53,529 --> 00:49:55,347
Of course, I didn't
notice so I put the other

1216
00:49:55,349 --> 00:49:57,517
piece of bread on top of the roach,

1217
00:49:57,519 --> 00:49:59,857
and didn't realize I
was sharing my sandwich

1218
00:49:59,859 --> 00:50:01,037
until it was too late.

1219
00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:03,567
I would've needed a tongue
transplant after that.

1220
00:50:03,569 --> 00:50:04,400
Oh yeah.

1221
00:50:04,402 --> 00:50:06,927
I was in the bathroom for
the rest of the night.

1222
00:50:06,929 --> 00:50:08,547
Was it at least a small roach?

1223
00:50:08,549 --> 00:50:09,380
Oh no.

1224
00:50:09,382 --> 00:50:10,837
Small roaches were not welcome

1225
00:50:10,839 --> 00:50:13,007
in my old apartment, only the big ones.

1226
00:50:13,009 --> 00:50:14,087
These were the kind of roaches

1227
00:50:14,089 --> 00:50:16,157
that could go to the
bank and take out a loan.

1228
00:50:16,159 --> 00:50:17,409
That's how big they were.

1229
00:50:18,529 --> 00:50:20,977
As much as I loathe roaches,

1230
00:50:20,979 --> 00:50:23,547
I'd rather eat one than
drink that nasty shit again.

1231
00:50:23,549 --> 00:50:26,097
I didn't think you were
actually going to drink it.

1232
00:50:26,099 --> 00:50:27,017
I thought you would've been like,

1233
00:50:27,019 --> 00:50:29,197
I'm not drinking that
shit, are you nucking futs?

1234
00:50:29,199 --> 00:50:31,377
And I would've been like,

1235
00:50:31,379 --> 00:50:33,117
okay, I wouldn't have drank it either.

1236
00:50:33,119 --> 00:50:35,107
But you went above and beyond.

1237
00:50:35,109 --> 00:50:37,037
You could've stopped me.

1238
00:50:37,039 --> 00:50:40,169
I could've, but there's no
entertainment value in that.

1239
00:50:52,789 --> 00:50:53,620
What's this?

1240
00:50:53,622 --> 00:50:54,777
It's a poke war.

1241
00:50:54,779 --> 00:50:56,637
I'm at my wit's end.

1242
00:50:56,639 --> 00:50:58,552
Make my day, twat-scratch.

1243
00:50:59,986 --> 00:51:01,179
Twat-scratch.

1244
00:51:01,181 --> 00:51:02,012
(MUMBLING)

1245
00:51:02,014 --> 00:51:02,845
Yeah, you are.

1246
00:51:02,847 --> 00:51:07,514
(MUMBLING OVER EACH OTHER AND LAUGHING)

1247
00:51:10,033 --> 00:51:11,033
I got you!

1248
00:51:20,659 --> 00:51:25,659
Do you, um, do you want some more chips?

1249
00:51:26,989 --> 00:51:29,242
Um, yeah, chip me.

1250
00:51:46,479 --> 00:51:48,947
Now as much as I'd like
to relive my childhood

1251
00:51:48,949 --> 00:51:51,487
there are some perks to being an adult.

1252
00:51:51,489 --> 00:51:54,757
Like soiling the things that
made being a kid so great.

1253
00:51:54,759 --> 00:51:57,371
I'm a huge children's show conspiracist.

1254
00:51:57,373 --> 00:51:58,204
Me too.

1255
00:51:58,206 --> 00:51:59,637
Lemme hear one of your theories.

1256
00:51:59,639 --> 00:52:00,747
Lemme hear one of yours.

1257
00:52:00,749 --> 00:52:01,617
I asked you first.

1258
00:52:01,619 --> 00:52:03,287
I asked you second.

1259
00:52:03,289 --> 00:52:06,517
Okay, I have one for Out of the Box.

1260
00:52:06,519 --> 00:52:07,617
You remember that show?

1261
00:52:07,619 --> 00:52:08,837
Of course.

1262
00:52:08,839 --> 00:52:10,567
Okay, well get ready to hate me,

1263
00:52:10,569 --> 00:52:14,914
be cause your beloved Out of
the Box glorified pedophilia.

1264
00:52:14,916 --> 00:52:16,049
What?

1265
00:52:16,051 --> 00:52:17,357
Look at the premise.

1266
00:52:17,359 --> 00:52:18,926
A bunch of kids go and play in a box

1267
00:52:18,928 --> 00:52:21,927
with a grown-ass man
and a grown-ass woman.

1268
00:52:21,929 --> 00:52:24,017
Tony and Vivian were saints.

1269
00:52:24,019 --> 00:52:25,407
Were they?

1270
00:52:25,409 --> 00:52:28,267
Did you ever ask yourself,
what do they really want?

1271
00:52:28,269 --> 00:52:30,937
And, more importantly,
did these kids' parents

1272
00:52:30,939 --> 00:52:33,597
give Tony and Vivian permission to play

1273
00:52:33,599 --> 00:52:38,357
with their kids for hours on
end in a box unsupervised?

1274
00:52:38,359 --> 00:52:39,190
I think not.

1275
00:52:39,192 --> 00:52:41,877
Mm, I would've never gotten pedophilia

1276
00:52:41,879 --> 00:52:42,737
from Out of the Box.

1277
00:52:42,739 --> 00:52:44,557
Of course not.

1278
00:52:44,559 --> 00:52:46,747
But who were Tony and Vivian?

1279
00:52:46,749 --> 00:52:48,307
What did they do for a living?

1280
00:52:48,309 --> 00:52:50,957
And why did they have so much free time

1281
00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:54,167
to play with these kids
alone in a fuckin' box?

1282
00:52:54,169 --> 00:52:56,327
The whole come play with us ploy was

1283
00:52:56,329 --> 00:52:58,997
just a way to lure these
innocent children away

1284
00:52:58,999 --> 00:53:02,307
so Tony and Vivian,
these so-called saints,

1285
00:53:02,309 --> 00:53:03,687
could have their way with them.

1286
00:53:03,689 --> 00:53:05,763
That sounds like a defamation
lawsuit in the works.

1287
00:53:05,765 --> 00:53:06,596
What?

1288
00:53:06,598 --> 00:53:08,027
These are just theories.

1289
00:53:08,029 --> 00:53:10,467
Fictitious notions to help people like me,

1290
00:53:10,469 --> 00:53:13,057
who wish they could live
in the '90s forever,

1291
00:53:13,059 --> 00:53:15,767
cope with the lost early years.

1292
00:53:15,769 --> 00:53:18,287
If I ruin the images of my
favorite childhood shows,

1293
00:53:18,289 --> 00:53:20,711
it cuts back on the sense of longing.

1294
00:53:20,713 --> 00:53:22,277
I'm just having a little fun with you.

1295
00:53:22,279 --> 00:53:23,787
I'm in the same boat.

1296
00:53:23,789 --> 00:53:24,620
I know.

1297
00:53:24,622 --> 00:53:26,977
So tell me one of your theories.

1298
00:53:26,979 --> 00:53:29,827
I have a Johnny Bravo theory

1299
00:53:29,829 --> 00:53:31,320
Let's hear it.

1300
00:53:31,322 --> 00:53:32,155
Okay.

1301
00:53:34,139 --> 00:53:37,587
So, I always found myself asking,

1302
00:53:37,589 --> 00:53:39,327
after watching Johnny Bravo,

1303
00:53:39,329 --> 00:53:41,167
why he never gets any girls?

1304
00:53:41,169 --> 00:53:44,047
Yes, he's an asshole, yes, he's arrogant,

1305
00:53:44,049 --> 00:53:45,887
yes, he lacks subtlety,

1306
00:53:45,889 --> 00:53:49,597
but in the real world, how
many girls go after jerks?

1307
00:53:49,599 --> 00:53:50,657
A lot!

1308
00:53:50,659 --> 00:53:53,277
So every girl that Johnny has any type

1309
00:53:53,279 --> 00:53:56,087
of interaction with always hates him?

1310
00:53:56,089 --> 00:53:57,397
I don't buy it.

1311
00:53:57,399 --> 00:53:59,847
Well, he did live at home with his mom.

1312
00:53:59,849 --> 00:54:01,597
These girls don't know that.

1313
00:54:01,599 --> 00:54:02,807
How could they know that?

1314
00:54:02,809 --> 00:54:04,947
They're just meeting
him for the first time.

1315
00:54:04,949 --> 00:54:07,327
But that's something else.

1316
00:54:07,329 --> 00:54:10,267
Here's my theory on why he's
so unlucky with the ladies.

1317
00:54:10,269 --> 00:54:13,247
The Johnny Bravo that we,
as audience members see,

1318
00:54:13,249 --> 00:54:15,077
isn't the real Johnny Bravo.

1319
00:54:15,079 --> 00:54:18,787
The real Johnny Bravo is short, bald,

1320
00:54:18,789 --> 00:54:21,277
possibly smelly, round.

1321
00:54:21,279 --> 00:54:23,727
See, in his distorted mind, he created

1322
00:54:23,729 --> 00:54:26,317
an idealized projection of his inner self.

1323
00:54:26,319 --> 00:54:28,117
The person he aspired to be.

1324
00:54:28,119 --> 00:54:32,497
So on the inside he's tall,
good-looking, strapping.

1325
00:54:32,499 --> 00:54:35,097
The quintessential manly man.

1326
00:54:35,099 --> 00:54:36,837
In the Johnny Bravo universe,

1327
00:54:36,839 --> 00:54:38,907
the women that Johnny Bravo
interact with Johnny Bravo

1328
00:54:38,909 --> 00:54:41,427
aren't seeing the Johnny
Bravo that we see.

1329
00:54:41,429 --> 00:54:44,757
They're seeing a loser.

1330
00:54:44,759 --> 00:54:46,467
His true self.

1331
00:54:46,469 --> 00:54:48,887
I'll never look at
Johnny Bravo the same way.

1332
00:54:48,889 --> 00:54:51,977
That's all I wanted.

1333
00:54:51,979 --> 00:54:53,647
So, tell me something.

1334
00:54:53,649 --> 00:54:54,977
Is it true that girls hate it

1335
00:54:54,979 --> 00:54:57,243
when guys send hey as the first message?

1336
00:54:57,245 --> 00:55:00,927
I'm indifferent to the whole
creative first message thing,

1337
00:55:00,929 --> 00:55:03,737
but I do have some friends
that get pretty flustered.

1338
00:55:03,739 --> 00:55:04,717
Hmm.

1339
00:55:04,719 --> 00:55:06,827
Is it also true that a girl's DMs

1340
00:55:06,829 --> 00:55:11,647
are 50% graphically perverted
and 50% bland as hell?

1341
00:55:11,649 --> 00:55:15,177
No, it's more like 80%
graphically perverted

1342
00:55:15,179 --> 00:55:17,382
and 20% bland as hell.

1343
00:55:18,619 --> 00:55:20,987
So, what's the weirdest
thing a guy's said to you?

1344
00:55:20,989 --> 00:55:23,857
Oh, I have a Hall of
Fame of weird messages.

1345
00:55:23,859 --> 00:55:25,427
Most of them I don't like to repeat,

1346
00:55:25,429 --> 00:55:27,445
but I did have this one guy ask

1347
00:55:27,447 --> 00:55:29,970
if he could lick the back of my neck.

1348
00:55:29,972 --> 00:55:30,803
What?

1349
00:55:30,805 --> 00:55:31,636
Yep.

1350
00:55:31,638 --> 00:55:32,737
He didn't lead into it,

1351
00:55:32,739 --> 00:55:34,897
didn't prepare me for his creepazoidery.

1352
00:55:34,899 --> 00:55:36,387
He just went for it.

1353
00:55:36,389 --> 00:55:39,047
And usually, I block guys
like that immediately,

1354
00:55:39,049 --> 00:55:41,067
but I was kinda curious.

1355
00:55:41,069 --> 00:55:44,337
So I asked, why do you wanna
lick the back of my neck?

1356
00:55:44,339 --> 00:55:47,808
And he said he wanted to know
what a champion tasted like.

1357
00:55:47,810 --> 00:55:49,560
(LAUGHING)

1358
00:55:49,562 --> 00:55:52,087
Oh, I hate people sometimes.

1359
00:55:52,089 --> 00:55:53,142
Sometimes?

1360
00:55:54,219 --> 00:55:56,777
Oh, and I can't tell you
how many dick pics I get.

1361
00:55:56,779 --> 00:55:58,537
I get one like every fuckin' day.

1362
00:55:58,539 --> 00:55:59,887
I got one this morning.

1363
00:55:59,889 --> 00:56:00,817
Shit.

1364
00:56:00,819 --> 00:56:02,017
Have you ever sent a dick pic?

1365
00:56:02,019 --> 00:56:03,257
Nope.

1366
00:56:03,259 --> 00:56:05,447
That's not even a consideration.

1367
00:56:05,449 --> 00:56:08,777
That shit travels online
like an oil spill.

1368
00:56:08,779 --> 00:56:10,877
I'm not gonna lose my job because pictures

1369
00:56:10,879 --> 00:56:13,227
of me and Mr. Pink are floating around.

1370
00:56:13,229 --> 00:56:15,568
Why is your penis called Mr. Pink?

1371
00:56:15,570 --> 00:56:20,517
Because he goes in vaginas
and vaginas are pink.

1372
00:56:20,519 --> 00:56:21,702
Not all of them.

1373
00:56:22,824 --> 00:56:23,657
Ew.

1374
00:56:24,879 --> 00:56:27,597
So what's the weirdest thing
a girl's ever said to you?

1375
00:56:27,599 --> 00:56:29,487
I once had this girl ask me

1376
00:56:29,489 --> 00:56:33,447
if she could borrow $20,000
to bail her dad out of jail.

1377
00:56:33,449 --> 00:56:34,280
Are you serious?

1378
00:56:34,282 --> 00:56:35,350
Very.

1379
00:56:35,352 --> 00:56:36,987
And I told her I couldn't because

1380
00:56:36,989 --> 00:56:41,198
I just spent $20K bailing
my own dad out of jail.

1381
00:56:41,200 --> 00:56:42,557
Drats.

1382
00:56:42,559 --> 00:56:44,997
I also had this one girl
ask me if I was interested

1383
00:56:44,999 --> 00:56:48,327
in letting her stick a
stalk of celery up my ass.

1384
00:56:48,329 --> 00:56:49,303
Goddamn, Gertrude.

1385
00:56:49,305 --> 00:56:50,138
Mhmm.

1386
00:56:51,089 --> 00:56:53,387
My messages are split
into four categories.

1387
00:56:53,389 --> 00:56:56,507
The weirdypants, the tireless spambots,

1388
00:56:56,509 --> 00:56:59,837
the racist bozos, and the chill chicas.

1389
00:56:59,839 --> 00:57:01,467
Am I a chill chica?

1390
00:57:01,469 --> 00:57:02,317
You are.

1391
00:57:02,319 --> 00:57:03,582
I fuckin' better be.

1392
00:57:04,979 --> 00:57:07,287
I think it's funny how online dating

1393
00:57:07,289 --> 00:57:09,577
has become a legitimate
way to make a connection

1394
00:57:09,579 --> 00:57:12,117
with someone but I still
won't admit that I use it.

1395
00:57:12,119 --> 00:57:14,887
You have no idea how true that is.

1396
00:57:14,889 --> 00:57:15,974
I think, like, three of my friends

1397
00:57:15,976 --> 00:57:17,807
know that I use dating apps.

1398
00:57:17,809 --> 00:57:20,367
Cause, I mean, yes it's commonplace,

1399
00:57:20,369 --> 00:57:23,037
but you still get judged so hard for it.

1400
00:57:23,039 --> 00:57:25,347
Like, why are you
talking to people online?

1401
00:57:25,349 --> 00:57:26,697
That's so weird.

1402
00:57:26,699 --> 00:57:28,587
You can't find a boyfriend online.

1403
00:57:28,589 --> 00:57:32,167
Like, is it my life or is it yours?

1404
00:57:32,169 --> 00:57:34,827
Please say that again
for our listeners at home.

1405
00:57:34,829 --> 00:57:39,829
(THROAT CLEARING) Is it
my life or is it yours?

1406
00:57:40,273 --> 00:57:43,109
♪ Tell it, tell it, like it T-I is ♪

1407
00:57:43,111 --> 00:57:44,120
(LAUGHING)

1408
00:57:44,122 --> 00:57:45,205
Gimme some.

1409
00:57:46,439 --> 00:57:47,911
Put your hand out.

1410
00:57:47,913 --> 00:57:50,508
Like, there you go, there you go.

1411
00:57:50,510 --> 00:57:51,677
You know this?

1412
00:57:52,886 --> 00:57:53,717
You know this one.

1413
00:57:53,719 --> 00:57:54,870
Yeah.

1414
00:57:54,872 --> 00:57:57,122
(LAUGHING)

1415
00:58:00,204 --> 00:58:02,207
Look at the puppy!

1416
00:58:02,209 --> 00:58:04,697
My friend just sent me this.

1417
00:58:04,699 --> 00:58:06,957
Look at his wittle ears.

1418
00:58:06,959 --> 00:58:09,877
If you don't think this is
cute, you have the devil in you.

1419
00:58:09,879 --> 00:58:11,197
No, it is.

1420
00:58:11,199 --> 00:58:12,967
I just don't understand
why people go cuckoo

1421
00:58:12,969 --> 00:58:15,037
for Cocoa Puffs every
time they see a puppy

1422
00:58:15,039 --> 00:58:17,367
or any other furry pint-sized animals.

1423
00:58:17,369 --> 00:58:19,777
Cause they're the cutest things ever,

1424
00:58:19,779 --> 00:58:22,637
and they represent all
that's good in the world.

1425
00:58:22,639 --> 00:58:24,627
But here's what I'm
trying to understand.

1426
00:58:24,629 --> 00:58:28,287
People die every day and
no one seems to care,

1427
00:58:28,289 --> 00:58:30,667
but let a puppy die or a kitten die,

1428
00:58:30,669 --> 00:58:32,437
and it's mass hysteria.

1429
00:58:32,439 --> 00:58:34,577
Did you not hear what I just said?

1430
00:58:34,579 --> 00:58:37,417
Cute animals represent all
that's good in the world.

1431
00:58:37,419 --> 00:58:39,647
Their only responsibility is to be cute,

1432
00:58:39,649 --> 00:58:43,207
and fluffy, and let me
hug their wittle faces.

1433
00:58:43,209 --> 00:58:44,837
Is the baby voice necessary?

1434
00:58:44,839 --> 00:58:45,670
Yes.

1435
00:58:45,672 --> 00:58:47,657
(PHONE BEEPING)

1436
00:58:47,659 --> 00:58:49,577
Ms. Popular.

1437
00:58:49,579 --> 00:58:52,257
Okay, you wanna see one of
the messages guys send me?

1438
00:58:52,259 --> 00:58:53,092
Here.

1439
00:58:53,949 --> 00:58:56,047
That violates so many health codes.

1440
00:58:56,049 --> 00:58:58,047
Welcome to my DMs.

1441
00:58:58,049 --> 00:59:02,107
Sorry, ZanzyStan46, but
your ass is getting blocked.

1442
00:59:02,109 --> 00:59:04,257
These guys are barbarians.

1443
00:59:04,259 --> 00:59:05,937
I appreciate how disgusted you are,

1444
00:59:05,939 --> 00:59:08,447
but I'm sure you've sent
your titillating messages.

1445
00:59:08,449 --> 00:59:11,447
Nope, I'm the boring guy, really.

1446
00:59:11,449 --> 00:59:13,650
I usually start off with hey,

1447
00:59:13,652 --> 00:59:16,242
or what's your favorite TV show?

1448
00:59:17,114 --> 00:59:18,367
I mean, look at our convos,

1449
00:59:18,369 --> 00:59:19,707
I haven't said anything too racy.

1450
00:59:19,709 --> 00:59:21,397
That's actually true.

1451
00:59:21,399 --> 00:59:23,757
You have been pretty racy tonight though.

1452
00:59:23,759 --> 00:59:25,667
Cause I'm comfortable.

1453
00:59:25,669 --> 00:59:27,877
I have that effect on people.

1454
00:59:27,879 --> 00:59:30,077
Okay, Colonel Comfortable,

1455
00:59:30,079 --> 00:59:31,677
how many girls have you brought back here?

1456
00:59:31,679 --> 00:59:33,567
Not including me.

1457
00:59:33,569 --> 00:59:35,427
Well that certainly escalated.

1458
00:59:35,429 --> 00:59:37,187
Look, the past is the past.

1459
00:59:37,189 --> 00:59:38,797
I'm not gonna hold anything against you.

1460
00:59:38,799 --> 00:59:40,607
I'm just curious.

1461
00:59:40,609 --> 00:59:45,047
I mean, in total, six
girls have been here.

1462
00:59:45,049 --> 00:59:46,782
One of whom was underage.

1463
00:59:47,808 --> 00:59:49,357
Um.

1464
00:59:49,359 --> 00:59:50,957
I didn't do anything with her.

1465
00:59:50,959 --> 00:59:52,847
I thought she was 24.

1466
00:59:52,849 --> 00:59:54,427
The second I realized that she

1467
00:59:54,429 --> 00:59:57,567
was born post The Amanda
Show, I made her leave.

1468
00:59:57,569 --> 01:00:01,907
So one of six girls, you
didn't do anything with.

1469
01:00:01,909 --> 01:00:03,777
What about the other ones?

1470
01:00:03,779 --> 01:00:06,902
You're not even trying to
approach this with any delicacy.

1471
01:00:08,189 --> 01:00:11,017
Why not just ask what
you really wanna ask?

1472
01:00:11,019 --> 01:00:12,637
How many girls have I slept with?

1473
01:00:12,639 --> 01:00:13,627
How many?

1474
01:00:13,629 --> 01:00:14,579
In my whole life?

1475
01:00:15,699 --> 01:00:16,627
Four.

1476
01:00:16,629 --> 01:00:17,800
Only four?

1477
01:00:17,802 --> 01:00:18,697
Only four.

1478
01:00:18,699 --> 01:00:20,282
You wanna get specific?

1479
01:00:21,539 --> 01:00:23,667
I was a virgin all through high school.

1480
01:00:23,669 --> 01:00:26,367
I lost my virginity when I was 20,

1481
01:00:26,369 --> 01:00:29,037
and only had one other partner in college.

1482
01:00:29,039 --> 01:00:31,807
After graduating, I started
using the dating apps

1483
01:00:31,809 --> 01:00:34,237
and only managed to
hook up with two girls.

1484
01:00:34,239 --> 01:00:35,637
No game?

1485
01:00:35,639 --> 01:00:38,127
Actually, and I'm not
saying this to brag,

1486
01:00:38,129 --> 01:00:40,067
my body count could've been higher.

1487
01:00:40,069 --> 01:00:41,187
I had opportunities.

1488
01:00:41,189 --> 01:00:42,820
So, why didn't you get it in?

1489
01:00:42,822 --> 01:00:45,472
I don't know any guys
to shy away from sex.

1490
01:00:46,479 --> 01:00:48,397
Why are you shaking your head?

1491
01:00:48,399 --> 01:00:50,647
Cause I'm gonna sound like
such a wimp after saying this.

1492
01:00:50,649 --> 01:00:52,682
Let me decide that, alright?

1493
01:00:54,329 --> 01:00:57,967
I haven't had many
partners because I guess

1494
01:00:57,969 --> 01:01:00,497
I like the idea of being a mack more

1495
01:01:00,499 --> 01:01:02,522
than actually being a mack.

1496
01:01:03,429 --> 01:01:06,037
Now, of course, in the
presence of my boys,

1497
01:01:06,039 --> 01:01:07,787
I've had women all around town,

1498
01:01:07,789 --> 01:01:10,927
but I wanna return the
honesty that you shared

1499
01:01:10,929 --> 01:01:13,617
with me with a little honesty of my own.

1500
01:01:13,619 --> 01:01:17,947
I say a lot of things, but
I'm not having sex like that.

1501
01:01:17,949 --> 01:01:20,817
I mean, I can be very sexually explicit

1502
01:01:20,819 --> 01:01:22,307
with the things I say,

1503
01:01:22,309 --> 01:01:24,959
but actually going out there
and knocking 'em dead...

1504
01:01:27,629 --> 01:01:28,987
The only person aside from you

1505
01:01:28,989 --> 01:01:31,677
that knows this is my friend Hut,

1506
01:01:31,679 --> 01:01:34,167
and even he gets the edited version.

1507
01:01:34,169 --> 01:01:37,257
He thinks I've just hit a dry spell.

1508
01:01:37,259 --> 01:01:39,477
He doesn't know my low number

1509
01:01:39,479 --> 01:01:42,892
of sexual partners is purposeful.

1510
01:01:45,309 --> 01:01:48,437
Alright, I give you full
permission to rag on me.

1511
01:01:48,439 --> 01:01:49,547
I just don't want you thinking

1512
01:01:49,549 --> 01:01:52,587
that I'm the average fuckboy,
cause I'm really not.

1513
01:01:52,589 --> 01:01:53,858
So...

1514
01:01:53,860 --> 01:01:58,717
So, does this mean your dick
isn't really named Mr. Pink?

1515
01:01:58,719 --> 01:02:00,082
His real name is Sheldon,

1516
01:02:01,079 --> 01:02:03,779
but he has been known to
answer to Mr. Pink sometimes.

1517
01:02:05,519 --> 01:02:07,584
How do I know you're
telling me the truth?

1518
01:02:07,586 --> 01:02:10,067
What if this is just a line
you feed all the other girls?

1519
01:02:10,069 --> 01:02:11,937
I wouldn't do that.

1520
01:02:11,939 --> 01:02:13,370
Even if I was trying to run game on you,

1521
01:02:13,372 --> 01:02:15,937
I wouldn't do it by downplaying the number

1522
01:02:15,939 --> 01:02:17,397
of girls I've slept with.

1523
01:02:17,399 --> 01:02:18,230
Why not?

1524
01:02:18,232 --> 01:02:19,677
Sensitive guys are in.

1525
01:02:19,679 --> 01:02:21,827
Nothing that I'm saying is a line.

1526
01:02:21,829 --> 01:02:23,459
This is the real Picasso.

1527
01:02:24,399 --> 01:02:26,957
Isn't there woman's intuition?

1528
01:02:26,959 --> 01:02:31,897
You have a knack for sensing
the shit of the bull.

1529
01:02:31,899 --> 01:02:34,649
Is there anything telling
you that I'm being dishonest?

1530
01:02:36,719 --> 01:02:37,782
I'm all talk.

1531
01:02:38,819 --> 01:02:41,517
Truthfully, the idea of hooking up

1532
01:02:41,519 --> 01:02:45,877
with hundreds of girls
kinda gives me anxiety,

1533
01:02:45,879 --> 01:02:47,887
but I wear the pimp hat because...

1534
01:02:47,889 --> 01:02:49,952
Because, you're a chameleon.

1535
01:02:52,879 --> 01:02:55,887
I've only been with
five guys, for the record.

1536
01:02:55,889 --> 01:02:58,617
I haven't had sex in over three years.

1537
01:02:58,619 --> 01:03:01,797
I've been on some dates,
but nothing got physical.

1538
01:03:01,799 --> 01:03:03,922
Not since Mr. Not So Perfect.

1539
01:03:05,342 --> 01:03:06,877
Do you go to these guys' houses?

1540
01:03:06,879 --> 01:03:10,717
At first, I vowed to keep
meetings in public areas.

1541
01:03:10,719 --> 01:03:13,817
You know, just in case I had
to deal with another psycho.

1542
01:03:13,819 --> 01:03:17,037
But then I realized a lot of guys

1543
01:03:17,039 --> 01:03:19,377
wear their Mr. Perfect masks.

1544
01:03:19,379 --> 01:03:20,907
They say what they think they need

1545
01:03:20,909 --> 01:03:23,567
to say to get the second date.

1546
01:03:23,569 --> 01:03:25,527
Anything to get the
final prize, which is...

1547
01:03:25,529 --> 01:03:26,952
The boom boom boom.

1548
01:03:28,279 --> 01:03:29,997
When I finally got my zing back

1549
01:03:29,999 --> 01:03:33,287
and stopped thinking
every guy was a predator,

1550
01:03:33,289 --> 01:03:36,397
I started accepting invitations to houses.

1551
01:03:36,399 --> 01:03:38,587
Which I know that's a
very unsafe thing to do,

1552
01:03:38,589 --> 01:03:42,897
but I think the best
way to observe someone

1553
01:03:42,899 --> 01:03:46,677
is in their natural habitat, their home.

1554
01:03:46,679 --> 01:03:47,970
I'm not a complete lamebrain,

1555
01:03:47,972 --> 01:03:51,907
I do have mace and other
defensive materials on deck.

1556
01:03:51,909 --> 01:03:53,287
Now I'm the scared one.

1557
01:03:53,289 --> 01:03:54,662
Just what I wanted.

1558
01:03:56,289 --> 01:03:58,287
Okay, I wanna see something.

1559
01:03:58,289 --> 01:04:00,995
I wanna see your best fuckboy.

1560
01:04:00,997 --> 01:04:01,914
What?

1561
01:04:01,916 --> 01:04:05,397
Act like I'm not me, you're not you.

1562
01:04:05,399 --> 01:04:07,047
We're strangers in the night.

1563
01:04:07,049 --> 01:04:08,817
How would you approach me if you were

1564
01:04:08,819 --> 01:04:10,732
actually the playa you pretend to be?

1565
01:04:11,669 --> 01:04:13,337
Isn't it too early for role playing?

1566
01:04:13,339 --> 01:04:14,377
Shut up, come on.

1567
01:04:14,379 --> 01:04:17,877
This is your chance to
authenticate your smoothness.

1568
01:04:17,879 --> 01:04:19,597
I want to see you pick me up!

1569
01:04:19,599 --> 01:04:21,487
But I already got you to my apartment.

1570
01:04:21,489 --> 01:04:23,327
We're not in your apartment.

1571
01:04:23,329 --> 01:04:26,597
Pretend we're in a cafe.

1572
01:04:26,599 --> 01:04:30,357
I'm already here drinking
my raspberry iced latte.

1573
01:04:30,359 --> 01:04:34,727
You come in for your usual
double espresso and crumb cake.

1574
01:04:34,729 --> 01:04:37,567
You see me over yonder,
attached to my phone.

1575
01:04:37,569 --> 01:04:40,042
What ever does the big playa-playa do?

1576
01:04:41,489 --> 01:04:42,892
You really wanna do this?

1577
01:04:42,894 --> 01:04:45,242
I wasn't oddly specific for nothing.

1578
01:04:46,859 --> 01:04:47,692
Okay.

1579
01:04:57,649 --> 01:04:58,837
Okay, cut.

1580
01:04:58,839 --> 01:05:01,087
Can you not walk like
you're about to backhand me?

1581
01:05:01,089 --> 01:05:03,827
I was just feeling out
the character, alright?

1582
01:05:03,829 --> 01:05:04,782
Do it again.

1583
01:05:25,149 --> 01:05:25,980
Hi.

1584
01:05:25,982 --> 01:05:27,397
Hello.

1585
01:05:27,399 --> 01:05:30,417
What's that, a raspberry latte?

1586
01:05:30,419 --> 01:05:31,382
Yes, it is.

1587
01:05:32,309 --> 01:05:35,127
Sweet drink for a sweet lady.

1588
01:05:35,129 --> 01:05:36,846
Okay, you're not good at this.

1589
01:05:36,848 --> 01:05:38,690
No, no, no, no, lemme do it again.

1590
01:05:38,692 --> 01:05:41,025
A sweet drink for a sweet lady?

1591
01:05:41,027 --> 01:05:42,077
That works on some girls.

1592
01:05:42,079 --> 01:05:44,077
It doesn't work on this girl.

1593
01:05:44,079 --> 01:05:45,327
Start over?

1594
01:05:45,329 --> 01:05:46,267
Start over.

1595
01:05:46,269 --> 01:05:47,357
But you're really not doing well.

1596
01:05:47,359 --> 01:05:49,322
Oh, everybody's a critic.

1597
01:06:08,859 --> 01:06:09,797
Hey.

1598
01:06:09,799 --> 01:06:10,632
Hi.

1599
01:06:12,736 --> 01:06:13,797
I see you're enjoying your drink,

1600
01:06:13,799 --> 01:06:15,697
and I don't wanna take
up too much of your time,

1601
01:06:15,699 --> 01:06:19,207
but I knew I'd kick myself
later if I didn't come over

1602
01:06:19,209 --> 01:06:21,559
and say something, even
if nothing comes of it.

1603
01:06:22,419 --> 01:06:23,322
I'm Darryl.

1604
01:06:24,169 --> 01:06:25,837
You don't have to tell me your name,

1605
01:06:25,839 --> 01:06:28,772
I'll just call you beautiful.

1606
01:06:30,849 --> 01:06:33,187
I've seen you in here everyday this week,

1607
01:06:33,189 --> 01:06:35,017
coming in, drinking your latte,

1608
01:06:35,019 --> 01:06:37,597
and I've always wanted to talk to you.

1609
01:06:37,599 --> 01:06:39,897
But I'm sure you've got
guys kicking down your door

1610
01:06:39,899 --> 01:06:43,037
all the time, so the
original plan was just

1611
01:06:43,039 --> 01:06:45,047
to let you have this time to yourself.

1612
01:06:45,049 --> 01:06:47,952
But seven times.

1613
01:06:49,209 --> 01:06:51,997
I've seen you here seven times.

1614
01:06:51,999 --> 01:06:54,557
Usually, I don't believe in signs,

1615
01:06:54,559 --> 01:06:56,737
but this can't be ignored.

1616
01:06:56,739 --> 01:06:58,342
I had to come talk to you.

1617
01:06:59,199 --> 01:07:02,812
Now, I'm not asking for your number,

1618
01:07:03,939 --> 01:07:05,107
and I'm not asking you out on a date.

1619
01:07:05,109 --> 01:07:06,982
I just wanted to introduce myself.

1620
01:07:08,949 --> 01:07:10,377
So I'm gonna go over there and grab

1621
01:07:10,379 --> 01:07:12,972
my double espresso and crumb cake,

1622
01:07:13,859 --> 01:07:17,017
then go sit over there, and if you wanted

1623
01:07:17,019 --> 01:07:21,852
to join me I would not mind that.

1624
01:07:24,929 --> 01:07:28,072
Nice to meet you, beautiful.

1625
01:07:49,999 --> 01:07:51,497
Not too shabby, Darryl.

1626
01:07:51,499 --> 01:07:53,568
Not too shabby at all.

1627
01:07:53,570 --> 01:07:56,727
I'm not a wizard, but I got the magic.

1628
01:07:56,729 --> 01:07:58,360
Saying shit like that is gonna annul

1629
01:07:58,362 --> 01:08:01,817
everything you just did
so no more of that, 'kay?

1630
01:08:01,819 --> 01:08:04,137
Do I get you stamp of approval, though?

1631
01:08:04,139 --> 01:08:06,277
I suppose.

1632
01:08:06,279 --> 01:08:07,707
Then where's my reward?

1633
01:08:07,709 --> 01:08:09,157
What do you want?

1634
01:08:09,159 --> 01:08:10,727
Some heroin would be nice.

1635
01:08:10,729 --> 01:08:12,930
Sure, let me just
grab some from my purse.

1636
01:08:14,637 --> 01:08:16,857
No, but there is
something that I do want.

1637
01:08:16,857 --> 01:08:16,858
- No, but there is something that I do want.
- And what would that be?

1638
01:08:16,858 --> 01:08:18,410
And what would that be?

1639
01:08:20,467 --> 01:08:22,365
Um...

1640
01:08:22,367 --> 01:08:23,578
Um...

1641
01:08:24,557 --> 01:08:26,127
I, uh...

1642
01:08:28,827 --> 01:08:29,660
Oh my God!

1643
01:08:37,978 --> 01:08:42,275
You're terrible at being
yourself, you know that?

1644
01:08:42,277 --> 01:08:43,885
You knew I wanted to kiss you?

1645
01:08:43,887 --> 01:08:44,718
Duh.

1646
01:08:44,720 --> 01:08:46,332
We've been leading to it for a while now.

1647
01:08:46,334 --> 01:08:48,175
You should've kissed me
when we were by the stairs.

1648
01:08:48,177 --> 01:08:49,985
I know, I wanted to.

1649
01:08:49,987 --> 01:08:51,706
That would've been a moment.

1650
01:08:51,708 --> 01:08:55,768
I just, I usually like to
ask girls before I kiss them?

1651
01:08:55,770 --> 01:08:57,215
Why?

1652
01:08:57,217 --> 01:08:58,795
I don't wanna throw myself on someone.

1653
01:08:58,797 --> 01:08:59,640
That's weird.

1654
01:09:00,967 --> 01:09:03,145
You wouldn't have been
throwing yourself on me.

1655
01:09:03,147 --> 01:09:04,800
I wanted it too.

1656
01:09:04,802 --> 01:09:05,775
But what if you didn't?

1657
01:09:05,777 --> 01:09:07,490
That's what the mace is for.

1658
01:09:09,367 --> 01:09:11,895
After you shave, do you
slap on the aftershave

1659
01:09:11,897 --> 01:09:13,628
or do you dab it on gently?

1660
01:09:13,630 --> 01:09:15,295
Dab it on gently.

1661
01:09:15,297 --> 01:09:16,675
Of course you do.

1662
01:09:16,677 --> 01:09:19,535
Sometimes you gotta throw
caution to the wind.

1663
01:09:19,537 --> 01:09:21,765
You talked about woman's intuition right?

1664
01:09:21,767 --> 01:09:23,175
Guys have it too.

1665
01:09:23,177 --> 01:09:25,185
You knew I wanted to kiss you.

1666
01:09:25,187 --> 01:09:27,319
You felt exactly what I felt.

1667
01:09:27,321 --> 01:09:28,871
You should've just went for it.

1668
01:09:38,487 --> 01:09:39,805
Much better.

1669
01:09:39,807 --> 01:09:42,630
But next time, do it without
us having to talk about it.

1670
01:09:43,594 --> 01:09:44,650
Next time?

1671
01:09:44,652 --> 01:09:45,652
Next time.

1672
01:09:49,628 --> 01:09:51,807
Weren't we supposed to
watch a movie tonight?

1673
01:09:51,807 --> 01:09:51,808
- Weren't we supposed to watch a movie tonight?
- I think we were.

1674
01:09:51,808 --> 01:09:53,715
I think we were.

1675
01:09:53,717 --> 01:09:54,775
We still can.

1676
01:09:54,777 --> 01:09:56,395
Young is the night.

1677
01:09:56,397 --> 01:09:57,435
You wanna pick?

1678
01:09:57,437 --> 01:09:59,045
I shall pick the genre.

1679
01:09:59,047 --> 01:10:01,025
Comedy all the way.

1680
01:10:01,027 --> 01:10:03,760
If it's comedy you want,
it's comedy you'll get.

1681
01:10:05,223 --> 01:10:06,844
I know exactly what to pick.

1682
01:10:10,812 --> 01:10:13,395
(UPBEAT MUSIC)

1683
01:10:29,880 --> 01:10:31,886
Subtitles by explosiveskull
YoubetCash.vip

1684
01:10:31,888 --> 01:10:33,736
♪ This new addition of big bang ♪

1685
01:10:33,738 --> 01:10:36,107
♪ Creation of a more
displacing the headphones ♪

1686
01:10:36,109 --> 01:10:37,402
♪ To turn on the stardom ♪

1687
01:10:37,404 --> 01:10:39,883
♪ Flip my keyboard and
say beg your pardon ♪

1688
01:10:39,885 --> 01:10:41,839
♪ As I pursue stardom ♪

1689
01:10:41,841 --> 01:10:43,256
♪ Actually I'm just starting ♪

1690
01:10:43,258 --> 01:10:45,206
♪ Inspiring no comedy,
like Stevie in Harlem ♪

1691
01:10:45,208 --> 01:10:46,506
♪ Cause they did not regard me ♪

1692
01:10:46,508 --> 01:10:47,921
♪ Her potions are go ♪

1693
01:10:47,923 --> 01:10:51,717
♪ Space is powered by produce you know ♪

1694
01:10:51,719 --> 01:10:54,065
♪ This fast food where produce go ♪

1695
01:10:54,067 --> 01:10:57,085
♪ Hopefully high, we
came doped, doped up ♪

1696
01:10:57,087 --> 01:10:58,874
♪ And the people of earth are so low ♪

1697
01:10:58,876 --> 01:11:01,234
♪ And I'm just an alien in waiting ♪

1698
01:11:01,236 --> 01:11:04,210
♪ In a starship from the motherland ♪

1699
01:11:04,212 --> 01:11:06,612
♪ In another land, just another man ♪

1700
01:11:06,614 --> 01:11:08,991
♪ The beat funky, make a
brother say brother man ♪

1701
01:11:08,993 --> 01:11:11,342
♪ Like seventies soul
by your hootchie man ♪

1702
01:11:11,344 --> 01:11:16,344
♪ Where we go, where we go, where we go ♪

1703
01:11:16,563 --> 01:11:20,940
♪ Where we go, where we go, where we go ♪

1704
01:11:20,942 --> 01:11:23,228
♪ Up, we go up ♪

1705
01:11:23,230 --> 01:11:25,722
♪ We go up, we go up ♪

1706
01:11:25,722 --> 01:11:25,723
♪ We go up, we go up ♪
♪ Up, we go up ♪

1707
01:11:25,723 --> 01:11:27,998
♪ Up, we go up ♪

1708
01:11:28,000 --> 01:11:30,183
♪ We go up, we go up ♪

1709
01:11:30,183 --> 01:11:30,184
♪ We go up, we go up ♪
♪ And where we go ♪

1710
01:11:30,184 --> 01:11:31,113
♪ And where we go ♪

1711
01:11:31,115 --> 01:11:32,880
♪ Up, we go up ♪

1712
01:11:32,882 --> 01:11:35,965
♪ We go up, we go up ♪