0 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Kunjungi www.Hokibet99.com Agen Judi Online Aman Terpercaya 1 00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:08,299 [whimsical music plays] 2 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,728 [crowd cheers] 3 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,440 Yes! 4 00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:36,244 Thank you so much, Chicago. 5 00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,207 Thank you. 6 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,551 I used to do something a lot of comics do. 7 00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:55,805 I would blame my disgusting behavior on the city I was in. 8 00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:57,791 You know how people would be like, 9 00:00:57,849 --> 00:01:02,145 "Chicago, you got me so fucked up last night!" You know? 10 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:05,940 And the crowd was like, "Okay. We were not here last night." 11 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,192 [laughter] 12 00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,735 "Denver! 13 00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:12,113 You made me fuck that stranger, no condom. You're crazy, Denver!" 14 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,364 [laughter] 15 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,826 "Armed robbery? 16 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,411 Philly, you silly." 17 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:19,662 [laughter] 18 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,793 "No, ma'am. We are concerned for you." 19 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:27,837 That's all over now. 20 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,965 Because I'm fucking pregnant! 21 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,009 - [crowd cheering] - [whoops] 22 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,845 [applause] 23 00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:37,013 Yeah, I did it. 24 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,183 I'm amazing. 25 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:41,810 [laughter] 26 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,562 I laid there, and... 27 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,064 that's it. 28 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,525 [laughter] 29 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:54,322 Usually, when someone in the public eye gets pregnant, 30 00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:56,074 there's, like, a couple of months 31 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,493 where there's some rumors about them, you know? 32 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,204 There's some, like, "Oop, bump alert!" 33 00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:02,287 Right? 34 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,624 Uh-oh. Uh... 35 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,045 I was well into my second trimester. 36 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:10,964 [laughter] 37 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:16,010 Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing. 38 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,387 [laughter] 39 00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:20,306 I was photographed. 40 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,602 Belly out. They're like, "There's Amy!" 41 00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:26,187 [laughter] 42 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,275 "Looking happy. I don't know. 43 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,988 Doing her." And then so once people knew, they were like, "Is she showing?" 44 00:02:35,071 --> 00:02:37,782 They were like, "No more than normal. Kinda... 45 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,033 [laughter] 46 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,203 It just kinda looks like she took her Spanx off." 47 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,872 [laughter] 48 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,795 There are all these rules about pregnancy that are unsaid. 49 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,137 Where is it written that when you're pregnant, 50 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,466 you have to cup your little bump 51 00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:57,635 in every picture? 52 00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,346 It's so obnoxious, guys. Every picture. 53 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,514 Here... 54 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,726 It's all right. Some people do the two hand. 55 00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:07,228 [laughter] 56 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,229 I was like, okay, fuck it. 57 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:13,234 I'll do it, but I'm going to do it for the rest of my life. 58 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:14,903 [laughter] 59 00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:18,823 I'm going to be 90 years old like this, with a cigarette in my mouth like... 60 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:26,206 I do it. I cup the bump... 61 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,125 in pictures, but I just do it a little bit lower. 62 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,293 I just go right here. 63 00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:31,544 [laughter] 64 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:37,884 'Cause this is the area that got me in trouble in the first place. 65 00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,135 [laughter] 66 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,265 All the questions everyone... "What are you having? 67 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,642 Do you know what you're having?" 68 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:46,935 Hemorrhoids. 69 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,353 [laughter] 70 00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,940 Any other questions? 71 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:57,904 Why do they ask, "What are you craving? What are you craving? 72 00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,113 Are you craving anything?" 73 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,323 Cock! 74 00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:01,991 [laughter] 75 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,667 [laughter] 76 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,461 Just me and my angel. 77 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,593 People always want to see the bump. That's like the thing. 78 00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,429 "Just show me that fucking bump, bitch." 79 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:29,727 And my belly button is getting so misshapen with this baby inside 80 00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,897 that I had to put two Band-Aids over my belly button tonight. 81 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,983 [crowd cheering] 82 00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,280 [cheering and applause] 83 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,408 That's more than you bargained for, right? 84 00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:51,249 Somebody's neglecting their bikini area. 85 00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:52,500 [laughter] 86 00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:56,753 I... 87 00:04:57,338 --> 00:05:02,135 I'll tell you who it's not fun to be pregnant at the exact same time as. 88 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,846 Meghan Markle. 89 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,180 [laughter] 90 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:11,769 I think we're, like, to the day the same amount pregnant. 91 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,940 And she's out there in, like, six-inch heels, 92 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,527 adorable outfits, and she has like... There's been no bump. 93 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:20,528 Like, there's been... 94 00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:24,240 She, like, cups where the bump will be, you know. She's like... 95 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:25,908 [singsong] "Here. 96 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,077 Here's where the baby will be." 97 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,329 [laughter] 98 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,837 People see me, they're like, "The last couple of weeks are the hardest, right? 99 00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:39,130 [laughter] 100 00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,259 Are you crowning? I think I can see an ear. 101 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,469 Is that an ear?" 102 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:45,762 [laughter] 103 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,850 If I were Meghan Markle... 104 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,186 and I am... 105 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:54,812 [laughter] 106 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,816 'Cause she hangs out with the Queen now. 107 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,735 Like, they hang out and have conversations. 108 00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:01,818 If I were Meghan, 109 00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,654 no matter what the Queen asked me, 110 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:07,283 and I can't do a great British accent, but, you know, if she said something like, 111 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,369 [exaggerated British accent] "La, la, la. 112 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,661 [laughter] 113 00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,623 Oh! Pip-pip! 114 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,960 Would you like a spot of lemon?" Like probably exactly that, she probably says. 115 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,212 [laughter] 116 00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:21,672 No matter what, 117 00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:24,526 if I were Meghan, I would answer everything she asks with, 118 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,594 "Yas, Queen! 119 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:27,887 [laughter] 120 00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,722 Yas." 121 00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:35,728 I just came so close to shitting myself. You guys don't... 122 00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,021 [laughter] 123 00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:43,069 This special almost became a real special. That would have... 124 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:44,362 [laughter] 125 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,615 What would I have done? Kind of just kicked it, and... 126 00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:48,866 [laughter] 127 00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:52,412 trusted that you guys would be cool. Is that what I would have done? 128 00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,458 I have not had an easy pregnancy. 129 00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:01,087 I have hyperemesis, which I'd never even heard of. 130 00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:03,172 It's extreme nausea and vomiting. 131 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,092 If you've ever had food poisoning, it's that. 132 00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:09,095 I've had that every day for five months. 133 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,766 No, and people are like, "You're so strong. Look at you out there. 134 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,934 You're on the road." 135 00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:18,354 I'm contractually obligated to be out here, guys. 136 00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:19,647 [laughter] 137 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,776 I'm not like, "I don't care. The show must go on." 138 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,737 I'm like, "I will be sued by Live Nation." 139 00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:28,781 [laughter] 140 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,868 That's why I'm here. 141 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,120 [applause, crowd whooping] 142 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,626 But I feel pretty good tonight, to be honest with you, so... 143 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,712 [crowd cheers] 144 00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,505 I didn't throw up today. 145 00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,549 [crowd whooping] 146 00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:52,013 Uh... Yeah, but I didn't know that being pregnant could be really hard. Like... 147 00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:56,601 I didn't know that because you bitches all lie about it. 148 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:57,894 [laughter] 149 00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:01,772 Women don't tell you how hard it is. 150 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:05,109 I should have Googled it. I should have Googled being pregnant. 151 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,614 'Cause it's been really awful. 'Cause in movies, they don't show you. 152 00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:12,533 There's just a montage where the girl's in her office and she's typing, 153 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,618 and then she's like... 154 00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:14,701 [imitates gagging] 155 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:17,788 And she runs to the bathroom, she throws up once! 156 00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:19,165 [laughter] 157 00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,210 And then in the next scene, she's in overalls painting a barn. 158 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,212 Like, "Yay!" 159 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,672 - [giggling] - [crowd laughs] 160 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,091 ♪ I can't wait to meet you ♪ 161 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,175 You know? 162 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,556 I throw up an exorcist amount every day. 163 00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,352 And I feel like, 164 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,646 you know, if you had a good pregnancy, 165 00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,689 if you're someone who enjoyed being pregnant, 166 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,609 I just hope your car flips over. That's... 167 00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:48,361 [laughter] 168 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,446 That's what I wish for you. 169 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:56,202 Your car kind of Chappaquiddicks into a lake, and you just kinda... 170 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,537 [laughter] 171 00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:58,996 ...slowly... 172 00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:00,830 drown. 173 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,752 Is that fair to say? Because here's the thing. 174 00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,629 You're pregnant, but you don't change. 175 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:12,510 I hate women who start to act really just precious and like, "Yes, now I'm... 176 00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:14,470 I'm a saint, and I never... 177 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,848 I never had sex in a bathroom on a train," you know? 178 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,350 [laughter] 179 00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:22,520 We've all had sex in the bathroom on a train. 180 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,357 [chuckles] You don't stop being you, you know. 181 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:30,152 You don't stop working or drinking. Like, you... 182 00:09:30,486 --> 00:09:31,654 [laughter] 183 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,239 You know? 184 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,078 I've gotten in the habit of asking, uh, 185 00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:42,707 friends' recommendations and advice about pregnancy 186 00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,584 until I get the answer I want. 187 00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,169 You know what I mean? 188 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,463 I asked my most responsible friend, she's a nurse. 189 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,966 I was like, "So, wine... 190 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,384 what do you think? 191 00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:56,929 Should I just have some, or what do you think? 192 00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,556 While I'm pregnant. Wine? 193 00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,433 Definitely have some, or what do you think?" 194 00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:01,516 And... 195 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,605 And she was like, "You know what? Just skip it. 196 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,024 Just be safe, you know?" And I was like, 197 00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,818 "Yes, that's what I thought, 198 00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:15,615 but I wanted to hear you say it, so now I'll tell other people 199 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:19,327 not to drink ever while they're pregnant. Thank you." Huh! 200 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,245 Good. 201 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,331 [blows raspberry] That's done with. And then... 202 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,790 [laughter] 203 00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:29,503 You know, and then I asked, like, a little more lenient of a friend. I'm like... 204 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,508 "Hey, what are your thoughts on drinking wine while you're pregnant?" 205 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:38,638 She's like, "A glass a week is fine. Like, that's probably fine." 206 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:42,475 I'm like, "That's better. That makes sense. That's good. 207 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:43,934 [laughter] 208 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,604 You're smart." And then... 209 00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:51,734 Then you ask your kind of biggest dirtbag, deadbeat friend, you know? 210 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,194 [laughter] 211 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:57,782 She's like, "Once you start getting, like, fucked up, stop drinking." I'm like... 212 00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:00,076 [imitates bell ringing] 213 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,953 Mm-hmm! 214 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,497 [laughter] 215 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,084 No, I haven't even wanted... 216 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,544 [voice breaking] wine. 217 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,173 That's how I know this baby is not mine. 218 00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:15,716 [laughter] 219 00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:19,011 This baby is a lie. 220 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,390 No, it's mine, and... 221 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:26,936 I'm pretty sure the guy who got me pregnant 222 00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:30,356 is my husband 'cause I got married, yay! 223 00:11:30,439 --> 00:11:32,149 [crowd cheering] 224 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,111 ♪ To the luckiest boy in the world ♪ 225 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:41,450 I married a chef because I'm a fucking genius. 226 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:45,037 [crowd laughing, cheering] 227 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:47,957 Right? 228 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,458 Do you guys like food? 229 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,087 That's what he makes. 230 00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,338 [laughter] 231 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,631 Yeah. I love it. 232 00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:59,009 Marrying a chef, it's like a little on-the-nose for me. 233 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,303 It's kind of like Snoop marrying weed. 234 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:02,847 [laughter] 235 00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,188 I love him. It's real. Um... 236 00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,607 The proposal was wack. 237 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:14,775 Uh... 238 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,237 He proposed to me in the morning. 239 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:22,658 That's, like, when people in a nursing home get engaged. Like... 240 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:23,951 [laughter] 241 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:29,290 Not, like, at sunrise. I was still asleep. I was sleeping, 242 00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,042 and I sleep like I'm still in the womb. 243 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,211 Earplugs, eye mask... 244 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,047 my mom's legs around my shoulders. Like... 245 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,299 [laughter] 246 00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:41,093 You know? Recreate. 247 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,887 Every morning, I'm born and... 248 00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:46,807 So I'm... 249 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,560 in the womb, and he comes in, 250 00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,897 and I just took one ear plug out. I was like... 251 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:58,444 And he kind of threw the ring box at me, and he goes, "I got you this." 252 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,239 And I open it, and... 253 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,324 And he goes, 254 00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:06,035 "Do you want me to get down on one knee?" and I was like, 255 00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:07,745 "I guess not." 256 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,413 [laughter] 257 00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,832 And then I went back to sleep. 258 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:13,417 [laughter] 259 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,047 That's the truth. That's a real ass proposal, though. That's like a real... 260 00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:19,547 You know? 261 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,259 'Cause, like, in movies and TV shows, 262 00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,887 the guy always gets down on one knee, right? 263 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,889 And the girl's always shocked. 264 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,058 [gasps] 265 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,144 "I didn't even know you liked me! 266 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,395 [laughter] 267 00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:36,106 I'm still on Bumble. Like, this is..." 268 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,399 [laughter] 269 00:13:38,859 --> 00:13:39,860 [chuckles] 270 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,990 Like, you didn't talk about... That's a very big decision... 271 00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:49,370 to not talk about. I don't know any girl who got engaged that way. 272 00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,765 I'm from New York. All my girlfriends are from New York. 273 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,207 We get married late there. 274 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:57,962 When you get engaged at 40, it's like, "Whoa, teen bride! Like, slow... 275 00:13:58,045 --> 00:13:59,255 [laughter] 276 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,510 Slow it down. Get to know him." 277 00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:10,249 I think there are only two reasons 278 00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:13,060 you should get down on one knee if you're a guy. 279 00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:15,020 If you're a player in the NFL... 280 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,482 [crowd cheering] 281 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:25,322 and to eat my pussy. Those are the two... 282 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,700 [cheering and applause] 283 00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,034 Two reasons. 284 00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,705 I mean, if the guy you're with 285 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:37,877 gets, like, synchronized swans to dance to Bruno Mars, you know? 286 00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,087 He's gay. 287 00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:42,339 [laughter] 288 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,050 That's a gay guy. 289 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:51,807 And, look, we all have a friend married to a gay guy. We do. 290 00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,142 [laughter] 291 00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:56,312 We do. You're probably here with a couple right now. 292 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:57,605 [laughter] 293 00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:01,275 And they're like, "Talk about Meghan Markle more." 294 00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,569 [laughter] 295 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,243 We've had that experience, right? 296 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:14,371 When you meet the couple for the first time, 297 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,999 and then they leave, and then a couple of your friends, 298 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:19,752 you're taking each other's temperature. You're like... 299 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,546 "Jeff was nice, right?" 300 00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:23,881 [laughter] 301 00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:24,964 "Yeah. 302 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,301 Yeah. Jeff was cool, yeah." 303 00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:32,306 "You said he's a costume designer. He's a... Yeah." 304 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,938 And then finally someone's like, "Is Jeff gay?" 305 00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,023 You're like, "Jeff is gay! Yes!" 306 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,316 [laughter] 307 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,071 And we all laugh at our friend. 308 00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:50,115 "Hee-hee, she's married to a gay guy." But you know what? 309 00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:53,869 Someone with hyperemesis who's five months pregnant, 310 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:57,331 you know who sounds like it would be fun to be married to right now? 311 00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,000 Fucking Jeff. 312 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:01,543 [laughter] 313 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,129 Get on one knee for Jeff. 314 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,968 I think... I don't want to jinx it. 315 00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:11,428 I think I don't have to be a bridesmaid anymore. 316 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,890 Yeah, I think I've done... I'm not making no new friends. 317 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,227 Everybody got married. I was the last one. 318 00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:22,606 'Cause when you get in your late 30s, there's just no dignity to it, you know? 319 00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:29,071 It's like me in a Grecian gown with my aging cleavage and like... 320 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,366 a Coachella flower halo. 321 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,450 I'm just like... 322 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:34,868 [laughter] 323 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:42,876 Just hoping I'm not the bridesmaid with the biggest arm, you know? 324 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:43,960 I'm like... 325 00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:45,254 [laughter] 326 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,132 I hold my arm out. 327 00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:54,096 'Cause people used to get married in their early 20s. 328 00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:55,899 You had a little 20-year-old bridesmaid arm. 329 00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:59,643 You were holding your champagne like, "It's heavy!" [giggling] 330 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,311 [laughter] 331 00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:08,193 Now it's just a sea of turkey legs, just... [blows raspberry] 332 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:09,445 [laughter] 333 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,160 Looks like the defensive line for the Bears are in the wedding. 334 00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,411 [laughter] 335 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,289 - [laughs] - [crowd cheers, applauds] 336 00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:29,214 I really respect you guys for coming out because if you follow me on Instagram, 337 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,884 you're probably like, "Is this bitch in the hospital? 338 00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,762 Is she gonna be there?" 339 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,389 [cheering and applause] 340 00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:39,348 Yeah. 341 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,558 I made it. I... 342 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,145 I've been hospitalized a couple of times 343 00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:46,315 since I've been pregnant with hyperemesis and... 344 00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,108 The very first time 345 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:50,694 was about a month ago, and... 346 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,697 I was throwing up for about five hours 347 00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:54,781 when I... 348 00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:56,700 was taken to the hospital. 349 00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:01,121 The doctor came in, and he explained to me and my sister and my husband, 350 00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:03,207 who were are all in the room. He said, 351 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,349 "You're going to be here for at least five hours getting liquids." 352 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:10,089 And without skipping a beat, my husband said to my sister, 353 00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:14,051 "Okay, cool, because I saw a place where you can paint pottery nearby." 354 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:15,677 [laughter] 355 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,139 You guys are like, "Is he gay?" 356 00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,390 [laughter] 357 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:28,148 So my sister didn't even, like, check in with me if it was cool that they left me. 358 00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:31,235 As soon as he said "pottery," they just left. 359 00:18:31,318 --> 00:18:32,861 [laughter] 360 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,322 And I was like, "I'll be here." 361 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:42,579 And about an hour and a half later, my sister rushed back in the room, 362 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,081 and she said, "Okay, listen. 363 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,084 Be nice to him about what he painted." 364 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:48,836 [laughter] 365 00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:50,711 I'm like... 366 00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:52,047 "Okay." 367 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,842 She's like, "I'm serious. He worked really hard on it." 368 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,093 [laughter] 369 00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:01,764 "Okay." She goes... 370 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,060 "And it's not very flattering." I'm like, "What?" 371 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,649 But my husband's brain is a little different. 372 00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:13,235 'Cause you go to these places, 373 00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:18,448 you usually paint a teddy bear or a jewelry box, you know, 374 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:21,160 but my husband decided to... 375 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,078 to paint a plate... 376 00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,123 which he would use as a canvas... 377 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,458 to paint me. 378 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,127 [laughter] 379 00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:34,298 And I'm going to show you the picture. 380 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:38,927 I think it's important for you guys to see the picture. Um... 381 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:43,265 And I want to show you this, and I want you to know 382 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:46,935 that there were no qualifiers before he showed me this picture. 383 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,314 He was sure it was pretty good. 384 00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:51,440 [laughter] 385 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,358 This is the picture that he painted. 386 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,945 [crowd laughing loudly] 387 00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:10,500 I was in the hospital, guys. 388 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:17,007 What is... I wanted to go, "What's with my chin on my neck?" 389 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:20,052 I look like Trump. Like, I look... 390 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,345 [laughter] 391 00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:28,977 I couldn't say any of this to him, okay? 392 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:33,106 Get rid of it. People are leaving. This is upsetting. 393 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,608 This is an upsetting image. 394 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,902 I mean... 395 00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:39,529 [cheering, whooping] 396 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,241 I had to comfort him. 397 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:47,204 [sighs] My husband is a really great sport. 398 00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:50,832 You know? He really is. I keep messing with him. 399 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,335 Like, you know, I've had a tough pregnancy, so... 400 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:57,214 the other day, I was like, "Babe, this is kind of too hard for me. 401 00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:58,674 I don't think I can do it." 402 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,093 [laughter] 403 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:05,722 And he's like, "What do you mean?" And I was like... 404 00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,600 "What do you think I mean? I think I... 405 00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,936 I need to get an abortion." 406 00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:12,521 [laughter] 407 00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,233 And this was his response. He went... 408 00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:18,235 "Really?" 409 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:19,611 [laughter] 410 00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,908 I was like, "No! What?" 411 00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,201 [laughter] 412 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,912 I'm going to announce it on Instagram, 413 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:32,457 and then I'm going to be like, "Actually, forget it. I don't like it. 414 00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:33,792 [laughter] 415 00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:36,586 I'm tired. I don't like it." 416 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:41,383 Thank God that was his response, you know? 417 00:21:42,342 --> 00:21:44,970 What if he'd been like, "Cool. I'll warm up the car." 418 00:21:45,053 --> 00:21:46,847 [laughter] 419 00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:53,770 I knew from the beginning 420 00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:56,690 that my husband's brain was a little different than mine. 421 00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:59,609 Um, and about... 422 00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,697 I have to start this over 'cause I really want to get this right. 423 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,908 Because I love him very much. 424 00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:08,617 And... 425 00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:14,291 My husband was diagnosed with what used to be called Asperger's. 426 00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:16,335 He has autism spectrum disorder. 427 00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:18,045 He's on the spectrum. 428 00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:19,628 And... 429 00:22:19,921 --> 00:22:22,466 there were some signs early on, like... 430 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:26,928 we went for a walk about a year ago, and I fell. 431 00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:30,599 And kinda nine out of ten people would go, 432 00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:32,976 "Oh, my God! Are you okay?" 433 00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,188 [laughter] 434 00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:37,397 Right? 435 00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,858 Maybe more like ten out of ten people. 436 00:22:39,941 --> 00:22:41,109 [laughter] 437 00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,904 "Oh, my God! Are you okay?" 438 00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:46,782 But instead, my husband went... 439 00:22:49,242 --> 00:22:51,453 [laughter] 440 00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:55,874 He kind of froze and became a lighthouse, opening and closing his mouth, just... 441 00:22:55,957 --> 00:22:58,502 [silently mouthing] 442 00:22:58,668 --> 00:22:59,836 [laughter] 443 00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,548 And I remember lying on the ground looking up at him, 444 00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,467 and I wasn't mad. I just thought, 445 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,051 "Huh!" 446 00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:09,221 [laughter] 447 00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,893 A lot of "huh" moments, you know? 448 00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:20,482 And once he was diagnosed, 449 00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:23,944 it dawned on me how funny it was because all of the characteristics 450 00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:25,779 that make it clear that he's on the spectrum 451 00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:29,491 are all of the reasons that I fell madly in love with him. 452 00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:31,785 That's the truth. 453 00:23:31,868 --> 00:23:35,247 [cheering and applause] 454 00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:41,211 He says whatever is on his mind. 455 00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:43,880 He keeps it so real, you know? 456 00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:49,594 He doesn't care about social norms or what you expect him to say or do. 457 00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:51,304 You know, if I say to him, like, 458 00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,223 "Does this look like shit?" He'll go, 459 00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:56,852 "Yeah. You have a lot of other clothes. Why don't you wear those?" I'm like... 460 00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:57,935 [laughter] 461 00:23:57,978 --> 00:23:59,229 "Okay." 462 00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,233 [laughter] 463 00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,656 But he can also make me feel more beautiful 464 00:24:09,739 --> 00:24:11,783 than anyone ever has my whole life. 465 00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,077 Yeah, it's true. 466 00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:16,163 [cheering] 467 00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:20,250 And he can't lie. 468 00:24:21,751 --> 00:24:24,671 Is that the dream man, a guy who can't lie? 469 00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:29,885 But that also means that he can't lie for me. 470 00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:31,344 [laughter] 471 00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:35,056 Which is an essential part of any relationship. 472 00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:39,102 We're friends with this couple, and they broke up, 473 00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:42,772 and the guy started dating a new girl pretty soon after, 474 00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:45,525 and we happened to be at the party where they got together, 475 00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:48,278 so I didn't rush to tell the ex-girlfriend what happened. 476 00:24:49,362 --> 00:24:52,240 So a couple of months later, we had dinner with her, and she was like, 477 00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:55,785 "And, you know, at that party, that's when they got together." 478 00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:57,913 And I was like... 479 00:24:58,497 --> 00:24:59,748 "No! 480 00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:01,374 [laughter] 481 00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:03,418 It's not possible." 482 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:06,129 And Chris goes... 483 00:25:06,922 --> 00:25:08,548 "No, you remember." 484 00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:10,050 [laughter] 485 00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:16,222 [quietly] "No. 486 00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:18,475 No, I don't." 487 00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:22,729 "Yeah, remember? 'Cause you said, 'Oh, my God, he's leaving with her.'" 488 00:25:23,271 --> 00:25:24,439 [laughter] 489 00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:31,655 "Thank you, Chris! Thank you. 490 00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,074 I guess I forgot about that." 491 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:35,700 [laughter] 492 00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:44,626 Also, one of the the signs of autism is you don't make sort of the... 493 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:47,379 appropriate facial expression for the occasion you're at. 494 00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:51,299 So we were gonna go on a red carpet together for the first time, 495 00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:54,928 and we were practicing his smiles, you know, 496 00:25:55,011 --> 00:25:57,889 and we didn't land on one that we were in love with. 497 00:25:58,306 --> 00:25:59,474 [laughter] 498 00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,937 So we were out of time, so I said, "Just... 499 00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:06,898 This is what I do. Just think about something you love, you know?" 500 00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:08,692 And he loves the ocean, so... 501 00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:13,196 So we went out there and it worked, but it worked too well. 502 00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:14,864 [laughter] 503 00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:18,326 'Cause in all the pictures, I'm doing my normal bullshit, and he was like... 504 00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:22,330 [laughter] 505 00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:31,631 I noticed. I was like, "A pond. Just like you're glancing at a pond. 506 00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:32,757 Pull it back." 507 00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:33,841 [laughter] 508 00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,639 It's exciting being pregnant. It's not all bad. 509 00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:41,975 The best part about it 510 00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:44,185 is not getting your period. 511 00:26:44,644 --> 00:26:46,605 [women whooping] 512 00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:50,734 Yeah. That's the silver uterine lining, if you want to look for one. 513 00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:52,235 [laughter] 514 00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:55,864 That's nice because, you know, what I realized, 515 00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:57,782 right before I got pregnant, I noticed... 516 00:26:58,450 --> 00:26:59,743 how ashamed... 517 00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,871 we've all been made to feel about getting our period... 518 00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:05,290 our whole lives. Like we choose it, you know? 519 00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:08,460 Like, "Can't kick my bleeding habit, you know? 520 00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:09,919 [laughter] 521 00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:13,006 I just want it. I want to do it." 522 00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:19,846 It's supposed to be, you know, a secret. The second you get it, your mom goes, 523 00:27:19,929 --> 00:27:21,181 "You're a woman now. 524 00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:24,267 And that's disgusting. 525 00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:25,602 [laughter] 526 00:27:26,645 --> 00:27:29,606 Never let anyone know of your filthy secret." 527 00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:35,195 And you're like, "Okay. I'm 12. I'm ready to handle this." 528 00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:36,655 [laughter] 529 00:27:38,031 --> 00:27:39,908 This is my Rainbow Brite lunch box. 530 00:27:39,991 --> 00:27:43,119 ♪ Rainbow Brite Stars are shining bright ♪ 531 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,091 And it is. That's the most embarrassing thing 532 00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:49,918 that could possibly happen to you as a kid, 533 00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:53,004 that someone knows you have your period, or they see you have your period. 534 00:27:53,463 --> 00:27:54,547 At that age, for men, 535 00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:57,550 the most embarrassing thing is unwanted erections, right? 536 00:27:58,843 --> 00:28:01,429 But then they grow up and show them to everyone. 537 00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:02,722 [laughter] 538 00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:09,270 Maybe that's what we should do. 539 00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:12,273 [laughter, applause] 540 00:28:14,317 --> 00:28:15,318 I don't know. 541 00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:19,531 Call a coworker into your office. 542 00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:20,614 "Carl... 543 00:28:21,574 --> 00:28:22,742 [laughter] 544 00:28:23,326 --> 00:28:24,619 Psst. 545 00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:27,872 Come in here. Close the door." 546 00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:33,628 [laughter] 547 00:28:34,754 --> 00:28:38,258 [whooping whimsically] 548 00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:40,385 [cheering, applause] 549 00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:44,013 "Carl, you're getting very sleepy." 550 00:28:44,347 --> 00:28:46,015 [laughter] 551 00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,443 All this talk about dick pics, how about a tamp pic? 552 00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:57,902 [laughter] 553 00:28:58,945 --> 00:28:59,946 You up? 554 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:02,991 [laughter] 555 00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:10,957 If you're still in a position where you're getting dick pics, ladies, 556 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,001 I have a suggestion for you. 557 00:29:13,084 --> 00:29:14,502 When you get a dick pic... 558 00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:17,380 send back... 559 00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:20,008 a dick pic. 560 00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:21,593 [laughter] 561 00:29:23,845 --> 00:29:27,140 - [inaudible] - [laughter] 562 00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:30,851 You go, "Oh, I'm sorry. 563 00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:33,521 I thought we were exchanging our favorite dick pics. 564 00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:35,857 [laughter] 565 00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:41,488 Dick for dick, pic for pic, no? I thought..." 566 00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:52,248 Why are we made to feel so ashamed of a natural bodily function 567 00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:55,335 that ultimately brings life, you know? It's like... 568 00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:58,755 If you forget a tampon, you have to bum one from somebody. 569 00:29:58,838 --> 00:30:01,883 What we all do is, first, you look around... 570 00:30:02,675 --> 00:30:03,843 [laughter] 571 00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:06,587 like you're going to say something racist, just like... 572 00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:08,556 [laughter] 573 00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:14,062 And whatever race you thought I meant, that's your problem. And... 574 00:30:14,145 --> 00:30:15,480 [laughter] 575 00:30:16,189 --> 00:30:19,317 Then you kind of lean in, and we don't even say the whole sentence. 576 00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:20,944 We kind of go... 577 00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:22,695 "Does anybody have a..." 578 00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:24,656 [muttering] "Tampon?" 579 00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:26,115 [laughter] 580 00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:29,202 What is this? What's the claw? 581 00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:32,121 That's how disgusted we are with ourselves. 582 00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:34,207 [muttering] "Does anyone have a tampon?" 583 00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:35,834 [laughter] 584 00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:38,294 And I notice myself do it. 585 00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:40,672 I was in a gym locker room. 586 00:30:40,755 --> 00:30:42,715 Thank you. And... 587 00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:48,596 And there were a bunch of women in there, and I... [mutters] 588 00:30:50,598 --> 00:30:53,476 And this woman across the locker room with so much confidence was like, 589 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:55,144 "Oh, yeah, I do. What size?" 590 00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:56,563 [laughter] 591 00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:01,234 And, like, 592 00:31:01,317 --> 00:31:03,903 obviously, I know there are different sizes of tampons, 593 00:31:03,987 --> 00:31:05,655 but I've never been confronted... 594 00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:07,448 [laughter] 595 00:31:08,324 --> 00:31:10,159 ...with that question before, you know? 596 00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,957 She's like, "Yeah, what's the circumference of your pussy hole? 597 00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:17,375 [laughter] 598 00:31:25,216 --> 00:31:27,927 Grande or venti? What are we plugging, bitch? 599 00:31:30,305 --> 00:31:32,015 I've got Pilates. What is it?" 600 00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,283 Then all the other women in the locker room 601 00:31:38,313 --> 00:31:40,315 kinda lean in to hear... 602 00:31:40,481 --> 00:31:41,649 [laughter] 603 00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:43,234 ...my answer, you know? 604 00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:45,737 I'm just like... 605 00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,281 "I don't know. Do you have, like, a... 606 00:31:48,781 --> 00:31:51,409 super Grand Canyon? I don't know. 607 00:31:51,826 --> 00:31:52,994 [laughter] 608 00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:55,663 Just throw me a futon mattress. 609 00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,874 I'll just kind of squat over it." 610 00:31:58,082 --> 00:31:59,250 [laughter] 611 00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:08,968 My vagina is going to get bigger, I heard. 612 00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:10,345 Whoo! 613 00:32:11,638 --> 00:32:14,098 Can't wait. Take up more space. Lean in! 614 00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:20,188 It's already grown. It just grows over the years. 615 00:32:20,271 --> 00:32:23,483 I know because, I mean, when I was younger, I could put a Tic Tac in there 616 00:32:23,566 --> 00:32:25,944 and then just walk around all day. 617 00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:29,155 At night, I swear it would still be in the same place, just... Whoop! 618 00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:33,618 Now... 619 00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,205 if I have a yeast infection, which I do... 620 00:32:37,747 --> 00:32:39,415 [laughter] 621 00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:43,670 and I try to put one of those Monistat suppositories in, 622 00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:46,506 it just falls right on the floor. 623 00:32:46,589 --> 00:32:48,216 [laughter] 624 00:32:51,844 --> 00:32:54,263 Whoop! Be careful. They're very slippery. 625 00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:56,307 [laughter] 626 00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:00,478 I do. 627 00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:02,897 I have a yeast infection. 628 00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:08,277 I'm gonna address it 'cause I have to do the pinch. You guys know the pinch. 629 00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:11,781 Ladies, just a quick, little pinch. 630 00:33:12,281 --> 00:33:13,825 [laughter] 631 00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:19,122 But I'm really excited about this. We don't even need tampons anymore. 632 00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:20,623 There's a new invention. 633 00:33:20,707 --> 00:33:22,935 - You guys know what I'm talking about? - [woman] DivaCup! 634 00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,585 No, not the DivaCup. 635 00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:27,714 - That is terrifying. Um... - [laughter] 636 00:33:27,797 --> 00:33:29,316 The DivaCup... Do you know what it is? 637 00:33:29,340 --> 00:33:32,343 It's like this little cup you store in the back of your vagina, 638 00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:33,928 and it collects... 639 00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,241 and at the end of the day, you pull it out and you kinda Kill Bill. 640 00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,017 Just kind of... [whoosh] 641 00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,393 [laughter] 642 00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:42,645 [imitates spraying] 643 00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:44,772 [laughter] 644 00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:47,942 No! 645 00:33:48,526 --> 00:33:49,736 [laughter] 646 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:51,696 It's a lot. 647 00:33:52,822 --> 00:33:53,906 It's too much for me. 648 00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,452 I respect you if you can handle the DivaCup. 649 00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:04,042 Such a confident name. "I'm a Diva." 650 00:34:04,542 --> 00:34:05,710 [laughter] 651 00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:07,919 No. 652 00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:10,298 It's more exciting than the DivaCup. 653 00:34:10,381 --> 00:34:13,384 It's a new invention called THINX. 654 00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:16,012 Yes. Yeah, you don't need a tampon. 655 00:34:16,095 --> 00:34:19,557 They're just these underwear that you just bleed into. 656 00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:22,727 Which I guess... 657 00:34:23,728 --> 00:34:26,147 makes me a fucking inventor. 658 00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:29,025 [laughter] 659 00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:33,780 Ah! Who knew? 660 00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:36,449 Should I go on Shark Tank? 661 00:34:36,991 --> 00:34:38,159 [laughter] 662 00:34:39,952 --> 00:34:40,995 "Sharks..." 663 00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:43,039 [laughter] 664 00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:53,591 Did anyone have a mom like me who didn't really trust tampons 665 00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:57,386 and made them only wear a pad? Right? 666 00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:01,516 And millennials, if you don't know what a pad is, 667 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,143 congratulations, and... 668 00:35:05,144 --> 00:35:09,148 A pad is kind of a foot-long diaper that you... 669 00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:10,525 [laughter] 670 00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,277 ...coil betwixt your legs, and... 671 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,782 just kinda waddle around all day wearing it, just... 672 00:35:19,158 --> 00:35:20,158 Crunch! 673 00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:22,370 Crunch! 674 00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:25,331 Kinda always sounds like there's a killer right behind you. 675 00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:27,667 [laughter] 676 00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:35,049 [laughter] 677 00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:38,052 They were great. Yeah. 678 00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:41,305 Little adhesive wings. 679 00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:43,057 [laughter] 680 00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:46,853 They'd always stick right to your pubes. It was a treat. 681 00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:47,812 [laughter] 682 00:35:47,895 --> 00:35:49,981 It was a real treat. Sorry you missed it. 683 00:35:53,234 --> 00:35:54,694 I'm sorry. Millennials... 684 00:35:56,028 --> 00:35:57,238 pubes... 685 00:35:57,321 --> 00:36:00,158 [crowd laughing] 686 00:36:00,491 --> 00:36:03,703 [cheering, applause] 687 00:36:08,749 --> 00:36:10,960 [mincing] Anybody remember pubes? 688 00:36:11,043 --> 00:36:12,211 [laughter] 689 00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:16,507 I miss my mom's bush. 690 00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:18,926 Did you guys see your mom's bush growing up? 691 00:36:20,219 --> 00:36:21,804 It's kind of comforting, right? 692 00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:26,517 The first time you see it, I'll never forget. 693 00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:28,019 [laughter] 694 00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:32,773 I remember I walked in the bathroom to say goodnight. I was like, "Mom! 695 00:36:32,857 --> 00:36:34,025 [laughter] 696 00:36:40,615 --> 00:36:42,575 [laughter] 697 00:36:45,995 --> 00:36:47,830 Oh. Hi, Mom. Good night." 698 00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:49,081 [laughter] 699 00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:55,504 I remember Mom's bush. 700 00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:00,885 I also had one of those moms... 701 00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:03,221 who told me, 702 00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:06,807 "You only have to shave up to your knee." 703 00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:10,353 Right? "Just shave up to your knee." 704 00:37:11,979 --> 00:37:14,190 I'd say, "Mom, I'm pretty hairy up..." 705 00:37:14,273 --> 00:37:15,274 "No! 706 00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,067 The knee." 707 00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:18,485 "Okay." 708 00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:23,783 I'd be at the community pool. People are like... 709 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,368 [laughter] 710 00:37:28,287 --> 00:37:30,665 "Why is Amy wearing wool shorts?" 711 00:37:30,873 --> 00:37:32,041 [laughter] 712 00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:45,221 But I have to give it up for my mom. She made me so confident. 713 00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,807 She just straight lied to me as a kid. 714 00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:49,225 [laughter] 715 00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:51,310 It's tough to say "confident"... 716 00:37:52,019 --> 00:37:53,521 as a woman, you know? 717 00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:56,816 You put on TV. We see all these gorgeous women. 718 00:37:57,316 --> 00:38:00,861 We have to compete with what's her face, the Mother of Dragons. 719 00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:01,779 What's her name? 720 00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:04,365 - [woman] Khaleesi! - Kris Jenner. It's just... 721 00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:05,908 [laughter] 722 00:38:08,577 --> 00:38:09,870 It's tough. 723 00:38:10,621 --> 00:38:11,956 It's tough out there. 724 00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:13,874 [cheering] 725 00:38:15,042 --> 00:38:16,961 No, I love the Kardashians. 726 00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:21,257 The Kardashians are so confident, they confuse me about my own confidence. 727 00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:24,719 So before I was pregnant, I was kind of like feeling myself one day, 728 00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:26,304 and I bought lingerie. 729 00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:27,221 Like... 730 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,514 the real shit. 731 00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:29,890 Like... 732 00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,393 the, you know, fishnets, and then... 733 00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,478 like the pulley system here. 734 00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:35,937 You know? 735 00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:38,364 Thought they would've updated that technology, 736 00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:41,819 but it's still a pulley system, and then, you know, the boost... 737 00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:43,404 Whatever it's called. And... 738 00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:45,740 You know, I went. I paid for it. 739 00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:50,411 I tried it on at home, you know, where I could take my own life, and... 740 00:38:50,619 --> 00:38:51,787 [laughter] 741 00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:54,999 In the safety of home, and... 742 00:38:57,668 --> 00:39:00,588 I tried it on, and I was kind of ready to blow my own mind. 743 00:39:01,047 --> 00:39:02,214 [laughter] 744 00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:06,635 I kind of sidled up to the mirror, and I check myself out, and I was like, 745 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:08,179 "Oh. 746 00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:12,099 This isn't for everybody. 747 00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:13,642 [laughter] 748 00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:16,604 Hmm. 749 00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:18,773 Okay." 750 00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:22,836 I looked like I should have been on Law & Order, like, 751 00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:24,403 "He went that way." 752 00:39:24,570 --> 00:39:25,738 [laughter] 753 00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:37,291 My fishnets looked like they'd caught an actual fish. It was... 754 00:39:37,375 --> 00:39:38,417 [laughter] 755 00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:42,880 It was pretty confusing. 756 00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:48,052 It's tough to say "confident" as a girl. 757 00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:51,180 I don't know what I'm having. 758 00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:52,515 I hope it's a girl. 759 00:39:53,182 --> 00:39:54,225 Um... 760 00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:58,687 But really just because it's such a scary time for men. 761 00:39:59,438 --> 00:40:01,148 [laughter] 762 00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:06,737 [cheering, applause] 763 00:40:08,697 --> 00:40:12,993 Such a scary time. Men, thank you so much for leaving your houses tonight. 764 00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:14,120 I just... 765 00:40:15,496 --> 00:40:16,496 God. 766 00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:18,457 First responders, just... 767 00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:20,501 so brave. 768 00:40:22,503 --> 00:40:26,549 I don't know if men know how scared we are as women all the time. 769 00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:32,638 Like, one in three of us will be assaulted at some point in our lives. 770 00:40:32,721 --> 00:40:34,890 If you're a woman of color, it's even more than that. 771 00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:37,393 If you're a trans woman, forget it. 772 00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:39,979 At night in New York, 773 00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:43,524 if I take the subway at night, I will run home. 774 00:40:44,024 --> 00:40:45,526 Women, we run home. 775 00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:47,486 Not for the cardio. 776 00:40:48,612 --> 00:40:51,157 It's true. When you walk to your car in a dark parking lot, 777 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:52,116 what do you ladies do? 778 00:40:52,199 --> 00:40:55,995 We do the little makeshift brass knuckle with our key, right? 779 00:40:56,912 --> 00:40:59,832 I don't know what our plan is with that key in our knuckle. 780 00:41:00,833 --> 00:41:01,917 "Oh, no, you don't! 781 00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,544 Ahh! 782 00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:09,091 Not on my watch. Boop-boop!" I mean... 783 00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:10,176 [laughter] 784 00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:18,225 There was a study done, and it said that women mostly fear violence. 785 00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:19,685 That's our number one fear. 786 00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:24,273 And the same study showed that men's number one fear... 787 00:41:25,357 --> 00:41:26,567 was ridicule. 788 00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:30,863 Oh... Yeah, God! 789 00:41:30,988 --> 00:41:32,156 [laughter] 790 00:41:33,115 --> 00:41:36,118 I'm so sorry. I didn't know you guys were going through that. 791 00:41:36,452 --> 00:41:37,620 [laughter] 792 00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:40,206 It must be so hard for you. 793 00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,292 Do you guys run home? 794 00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:48,088 Because you're afraid of somebody telling a little jokey about you? 795 00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:49,340 [laughter] 796 00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:52,676 [women whooping, cheering] 797 00:41:55,721 --> 00:41:57,223 [laughs] 798 00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:03,604 I think that we need to start from scratch, you know? 799 00:42:03,687 --> 00:42:07,858 I'm so grateful to this new generation of women that came along and they're like, 800 00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:11,278 "Hey, have you been getting sexually harassed like this your whole lives?" 801 00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,362 And we're like, 802 00:42:12,947 --> 00:42:13,948 "Oh, yeah!" 803 00:42:14,406 --> 00:42:15,824 [laughter] 804 00:42:16,825 --> 00:42:20,496 And they're like, "Yeah. You wanna do something about that?" And we're like, 805 00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:22,623 "Oh, yeah. 806 00:42:22,706 --> 00:42:23,832 [laughter] 807 00:42:23,916 --> 00:42:26,043 That's a very good idea." 808 00:42:26,752 --> 00:42:29,672 They're like, "Yeah." And we're like, "Oh." 809 00:42:29,755 --> 00:42:31,840 We're so used to it, you know? 810 00:42:32,633 --> 00:42:34,426 You're at work, and you're like, 811 00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:37,596 "I have to make every guy think that we also might fuck 812 00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,223 and do a good job." 813 00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:40,641 [laughter] 814 00:42:42,476 --> 00:42:44,270 It's not fair. It's not fair to men either. 815 00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:48,607 You guys are raised with so much pressure to be so masculine at such a young age. 816 00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:50,192 It's bullshit. 817 00:42:50,276 --> 00:42:52,611 It sucks. It's like a six-year-old kid crying. 818 00:42:53,195 --> 00:42:54,905 "Stop crying, you little pussy." 819 00:42:55,030 --> 00:42:56,198 [laughter] 820 00:42:57,741 --> 00:43:00,536 We toughen them up at a young age so they don't get made fun of, 821 00:43:00,619 --> 00:43:04,039 and then, as little girls, you're in school with these boys, 822 00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:07,585 and when a little boy is mean to you or he teases you, what does everybody say? 823 00:43:07,668 --> 00:43:10,004 - [woman] He likes you. - "He likes you." 824 00:43:10,421 --> 00:43:11,630 Ooh! 825 00:43:12,423 --> 00:43:15,009 You're like, "He knocked my books out of my hands." 826 00:43:15,426 --> 00:43:17,011 "Whoo! 827 00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:18,345 [laughter] 828 00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:21,140 Looks like somebody has a little boyfriend at school. 829 00:43:22,016 --> 00:43:23,434 That's a good thing." 830 00:43:23,767 --> 00:43:25,519 And you're like, "Oh. 831 00:43:25,978 --> 00:43:27,229 That's a good thing! 832 00:43:27,730 --> 00:43:28,897 Okay! 833 00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:31,317 I'm the luckiest girl in school." 834 00:43:31,525 --> 00:43:32,693 [laughter] 835 00:43:33,152 --> 00:43:34,445 "He pushed me down the stairs." 836 00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:35,904 "You're going to prom!" 837 00:43:35,988 --> 00:43:37,031 "Prom!" 838 00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:38,616 [laughter] 839 00:43:39,199 --> 00:43:42,036 Right? Then we grow up and we all have friends who were like, 840 00:43:42,119 --> 00:43:43,912 "Why do I only date assholes?" 841 00:43:44,538 --> 00:43:47,666 'Cause you've been trained to do that since you were a toddler. 842 00:43:48,334 --> 00:43:51,334 You know, we have friends who are like, "You should see us when we're alone. 843 00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:54,757 He's still really mean to me, but it's not as embarrassing." 844 00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:55,841 [giggles] 845 00:43:57,426 --> 00:44:00,054 It doesn't occur to us to be with someone who's kind 846 00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:02,389 until we're, like, almost dead, you know? 847 00:44:02,973 --> 00:44:04,141 [laughter] 848 00:44:05,976 --> 00:44:09,563 I mean, who cares? We're about to lose our rights, anyway. Right, ladies? 849 00:44:10,564 --> 00:44:13,984 Take 'em. I'm sick of it. Give me my bonnet. Give me my cape. 850 00:44:14,526 --> 00:44:15,694 [laughter] 851 00:44:16,153 --> 00:44:19,198 I'm ready. Done washing my hair all the time. 852 00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,994 I mean, look at us making decisions about our own bodies. 853 00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:25,913 Who do we think we are? Men? 854 00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:27,998 Come on! 855 00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:30,125 Decisions are hard. 856 00:44:32,336 --> 00:44:33,921 Rights feel heavy. 857 00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:35,506 [laughter] 858 00:44:36,924 --> 00:44:41,136 I want people who know better than anyone making the decisions about my body. 859 00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:44,139 I want to call up Mitch McConnell and be like, "Girl! 860 00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:45,557 [laughter] 861 00:44:45,641 --> 00:44:49,395 My discharge is brown, baby girl. What should I do? 862 00:44:51,146 --> 00:44:52,439 Mitch! 863 00:44:53,482 --> 00:44:57,444 Chuck Grassley, I've got cramps. Am I ovulating, queen? 864 00:44:57,945 --> 00:44:59,279 [laughter] 865 00:45:00,155 --> 00:45:02,616 Lindsey mammo-Graham, feel this. What you think? 866 00:45:03,283 --> 00:45:04,410 You guys know." 867 00:45:07,454 --> 00:45:10,165 Maybe some of you heard I got arrested in October. 868 00:45:10,791 --> 00:45:13,210 - [cheering] - Thank you. 869 00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:15,629 Thank you. 870 00:45:16,004 --> 00:45:18,048 God's work. Um... [chuckles] 871 00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:23,470 I went down to DC to get arrested. 872 00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:26,432 The different news outlets wrote about it. 873 00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:28,058 Like, "Schumer's been detained," 874 00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:31,353 like I was just on a walking tour of the Washington Monument. 875 00:45:34,022 --> 00:45:37,985 But I went down there to oppose Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation. 876 00:45:38,068 --> 00:45:41,447 [crowd cheers] 877 00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:43,115 Thank you, sisters. 878 00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:46,285 Men, you can clap too. 879 00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:48,829 [cheering, applause] 880 00:45:49,538 --> 00:45:52,416 Spoiler alert. It didn't go our way. 881 00:45:52,791 --> 00:45:54,293 [laughter] 882 00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:58,756 The whole way down, I was really nervous about getting arrested. 883 00:45:59,256 --> 00:46:01,425 I've been arrested before, obviously, but... 884 00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:03,010 [laughter] 885 00:46:03,969 --> 00:46:08,015 But I was obsessed with the fear of being hungry. 886 00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:09,600 [laughter] 887 00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:12,186 You know, while I was locked up. So... 888 00:46:12,644 --> 00:46:15,105 It probably would have been like that before I was pregnant, 889 00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,691 but that just doubled it, so the whole way down... 890 00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:20,903 And, you know, we get down there, and... 891 00:46:21,278 --> 00:46:23,906 it was really intense and really emotional, and... 892 00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:26,536 We were gonna get arrested on the Capitol steps, 893 00:46:26,575 --> 00:46:29,578 but they barricaded those, so we all rush into the Hart Building, 894 00:46:29,661 --> 00:46:31,205 where the senators' offices are, 895 00:46:31,288 --> 00:46:32,664 and we all flood in this hallway, 896 00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:36,710 and, you know, the banners are flying and the Capitol police are closing in, 897 00:46:36,794 --> 00:46:39,963 and we know we're about to be arrested, and everyone's chanting, 898 00:46:40,047 --> 00:46:41,215 "No justice, no peace," 899 00:46:41,298 --> 00:46:44,927 and, "We believe survivors. We believe survivors." 900 00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,847 And I know we're about to be arrested, so I am... 901 00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:51,558 ramming snacks in my mouth. I am... 902 00:46:51,892 --> 00:46:53,685 [shouting] 903 00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:57,773 Everyone's, "We Believe," and I'm... [screams] 904 00:46:58,190 --> 00:47:01,401 And the Capitol police are looking at me like, "What the fuck?" I'm like... 905 00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,070 [screams] 906 00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:05,614 Just Cookie Monster, crumbling shit on my face. 907 00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:10,536 I got arrested with my friend, Emily Ratajkowski, who's a supermodel, 908 00:47:10,619 --> 00:47:15,123 like gorgeous, you know. And she's in this hot outfit, and she's like, 909 00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:16,667 "We believe survivors," 910 00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:20,462 and I'm in a Department of Sanitation shirt, and I'm like... 911 00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,381 [screams] "Ahh!" 912 00:47:22,464 --> 00:47:23,464 [laughter] 913 00:47:26,051 --> 00:47:27,553 And some people criticized me. 914 00:47:27,636 --> 00:47:30,305 They were like, "That was irresponsible. You're pregnant." 915 00:47:30,389 --> 00:47:32,349 And I was like, "That's why I went down there." 916 00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:35,727 I want to be able to tell this kid I did everything I could. 917 00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:37,938 You know? 918 00:47:38,021 --> 00:47:40,107 [cheering and applause] 919 00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:43,235 And D.C., I heard, has the best cocaine, so... 920 00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:48,574 My friend said it's fine. Uh... 921 00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:52,744 A baby. 922 00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:54,121 Guys, 923 00:47:54,204 --> 00:47:56,373 what the fuck am I doing? 924 00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,041 [laughter] 925 00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:00,794 We have no idea what we're doing. 926 00:48:01,336 --> 00:48:05,549 We have some books at home, and every week, there's a terrifying video 927 00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:08,135 saying what's going on in the baby's development. 928 00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:09,636 "This week, 929 00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:13,974 your baby is growing fur and eating you from the inside." 930 00:48:14,224 --> 00:48:15,392 [laughter] 931 00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:21,315 I'm glad I found a good partner, you know? Like, he's solid as hell. 932 00:48:21,398 --> 00:48:25,027 Yeah. I just... I didn't have the energy for dating anymore, like... 933 00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:27,487 Remember when you hook up with someone the first time? 934 00:48:27,571 --> 00:48:30,824 Do you remember you used to undress each other? 935 00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:34,995 Know what I'm talking about? They do that in movies. So you're like... 936 00:48:35,078 --> 00:48:37,080 [imitating kissing] 937 00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,750 [laughter] 938 00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:43,086 It's always hard. In movies... 939 00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:47,049 But you're like, okay, a braided belt, and there is the silver thing. 940 00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,342 [laughter] 941 00:48:48,425 --> 00:48:50,510 And then, oh, a button fly. 942 00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:52,471 I'll just kind of yank it. 943 00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:56,975 And your sock. Am I in fucking retail? Take your own shit off. 944 00:48:57,768 --> 00:48:59,019 My back hurts. 945 00:48:59,102 --> 00:49:00,270 [laughter] 946 00:49:05,108 --> 00:49:07,694 I was in bed with my husband the other night. 947 00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:12,074 I was holding our dog, and my husband just took off my underwear. 948 00:49:12,824 --> 00:49:14,534 And I looked over at him and I was like, 949 00:49:15,494 --> 00:49:17,579 "Oh, no." 950 00:49:17,663 --> 00:49:19,665 [laughter] 951 00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:22,542 That's crazy, you know. 952 00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:25,587 He was kind of like, 953 00:49:25,671 --> 00:49:28,340 "Okay." Like he didn't give a shit too much, you know. 954 00:49:29,716 --> 00:49:31,635 And we're lying there, and I'm like... 955 00:49:32,344 --> 00:49:34,429 "Can you put my underwear back on?" 956 00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:35,889 [laughter] 957 00:49:37,516 --> 00:49:41,728 Such sad foreshadowing watching him, like, dress my lifeless body. 958 00:49:42,062 --> 00:49:43,397 [laughter] 959 00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:51,530 We were at the gynecologist a couple months ago, 960 00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:56,284 and I asked, "Is it safe to have sex while pregnant?" And she was like, 961 00:49:56,785 --> 00:50:00,622 "Yes, it is safe to have sex through the whole pregnancy." 962 00:50:00,706 --> 00:50:01,706 And I was like, 963 00:50:02,249 --> 00:50:04,459 "We'll be seeking a second opinion." 964 00:50:04,584 --> 00:50:05,752 [laughter] 965 00:50:09,631 --> 00:50:10,966 That's fucking... 966 00:50:14,052 --> 00:50:16,096 I was trying to signal her, you know. 967 00:50:17,055 --> 00:50:18,181 "Hey. 968 00:50:18,598 --> 00:50:20,100 Do you think it's safe... 969 00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:22,978 [laughter] 970 00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:26,773 for us to have sex? 971 00:50:27,149 --> 00:50:29,735 [silently mouths] 972 00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:33,697 Do you think it would probably kill the baby and we shouldn't do it?" 973 00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:35,157 [laughter] 974 00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:41,079 She's like, "No, it's safe the whole time." 975 00:50:41,163 --> 00:50:43,331 I was like, "Okay. Okay." 976 00:50:44,583 --> 00:50:45,959 [laughter] 977 00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:49,588 Do you want me to come to your house to tell your husband he can fuck you? 978 00:50:49,671 --> 00:50:50,672 [laughter] 979 00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:56,553 'Cause people tell you. You're like, wow, that was fast. 980 00:50:56,636 --> 00:50:58,430 "Last time we saw you, you were single, Amy, 981 00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:00,891 and you already don't want to fuck your husband?" 982 00:51:00,974 --> 00:51:02,142 [laughter] 983 00:51:02,434 --> 00:51:05,187 I usually do, but I have hyperemesis. 984 00:51:06,021 --> 00:51:08,523 And you know everyone says, "When you get married, 985 00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:10,692 get ready to stop having sex." 986 00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:12,652 And we were like, "Not us. 987 00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:15,697 We're fucking for life," you know. 988 00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:17,407 [laughter] 989 00:51:19,117 --> 00:51:22,370 Now he, like, touches my shoulder on the couch, and I'm like, 990 00:51:22,454 --> 00:51:23,872 "Can I help you? 991 00:51:23,955 --> 00:51:26,333 [laughter and applause] 992 00:51:31,296 --> 00:51:33,256 I'm over here. You're over there." 993 00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:35,634 [laughter] 994 00:51:40,847 --> 00:51:42,599 The spontaneity is over. 995 00:51:42,933 --> 00:51:44,142 Thank God. 996 00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:46,228 You know, when you're first falling in love, 997 00:51:46,311 --> 00:51:48,772 like you might always have sex. 998 00:51:48,855 --> 00:51:49,773 Every time you pee, 999 00:51:49,856 --> 00:51:52,502 you've gotta make sure you clean the toilet paper out of your pussy. 1000 00:51:52,526 --> 00:51:53,568 Every time you pee. 1001 00:51:53,652 --> 00:51:55,028 [laughter] 1002 00:51:55,862 --> 00:51:56,862 Every time. 1003 00:52:04,246 --> 00:52:07,916 That is over. I have, like, half a roll of Charmin in there right now. 1004 00:52:07,999 --> 00:52:09,668 [laughter] 1005 00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:10,836 Yeah. 1006 00:52:11,294 --> 00:52:12,295 [scoffs] 1007 00:52:15,340 --> 00:52:17,717 I'm psyched to be done. I am. 1008 00:52:17,801 --> 00:52:19,845 Especially dating someone new, you know. 1009 00:52:19,928 --> 00:52:23,390 And I'm glad I married someone, he's my age. We're the same age, so... 1010 00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:26,893 You know, we both grew up without Internet porn. 1011 00:52:27,936 --> 00:52:29,271 That's a huge deal, right? 1012 00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:30,814 Like, you know, 1013 00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:33,733 now I feel like you can't fuck a millennial without them being like, 1014 00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:36,903 "Can you dress like an emoji?" You're like, "No!" 1015 00:52:37,779 --> 00:52:39,030 What the fuck? 1016 00:52:39,114 --> 00:52:40,407 [laughter] 1017 00:52:43,076 --> 00:52:43,952 No. 1018 00:52:44,035 --> 00:52:46,788 And there's so many different types of porn. It's crazy. 1019 00:52:47,706 --> 00:52:50,834 One of the biggest searches is "gag porn." 1020 00:52:51,501 --> 00:52:52,836 Have you heard of that? 1021 00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:55,505 That's where the girl gags on the guy's penis 1022 00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:57,132 because it's too darn big. 1023 00:52:57,215 --> 00:52:58,675 [laughter] 1024 00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:00,927 I personally never had the plesh. 1025 00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:03,096 [laughter] 1026 00:53:06,474 --> 00:53:09,561 I just wanted to remind you that I've never struggled with it, even though... 1027 00:53:09,644 --> 00:53:11,396 You remember the size of my mouth, right? 1028 00:53:11,479 --> 00:53:13,023 Do you remember how big my mouth is? 1029 00:53:13,106 --> 00:53:16,193 [laughter and applause] 1030 00:53:18,695 --> 00:53:20,780 Just like a tiny bow. You could put... 1031 00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:24,868 Okay, yeah. You remember. 1032 00:53:27,245 --> 00:53:29,080 Gag porn. Like that one... 1033 00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:30,874 That one is strange to me. 1034 00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:33,668 Like you're clicking on all these different windows. 1035 00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:35,879 Nothing, nothing. And then a girl's like... 1036 00:53:35,962 --> 00:53:39,257 [retches] And you're like, "Mmm, wait a minute. [laughs] 1037 00:53:39,341 --> 00:53:40,592 [laughter] 1038 00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:43,261 What have we here?" 1039 00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:46,056 [retches] 1040 00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:50,185 Maximize screen. "Okay. Okay." 1041 00:53:52,312 --> 00:53:53,312 If you're into gag porn, 1042 00:53:53,355 --> 00:53:55,666 you should've been living at my house the last five months. 1043 00:53:55,690 --> 00:53:56,983 You'd be hard as a rock. 1044 00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:58,818 [laughter] 1045 00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:03,907 Something else I won't miss, and this is my PSA... 1046 00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:05,450 to men. 1047 00:54:06,451 --> 00:54:10,664 A lot of men don't really understand how to put themselves inside you. 1048 00:54:11,831 --> 00:54:13,750 Not really. Even missionary. 1049 00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:16,158 They're... You know, they're... 1050 00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:18,255 It's the wrong hole, or not a hole. 1051 00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:20,966 You're like, "You have to use an existing hole, sir." 1052 00:54:21,299 --> 00:54:22,717 [laughter] 1053 00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:27,639 You're not going to confuse my body into making a new hole. 1054 00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:29,182 [laughter] 1055 00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:32,018 But most guys can figure it out, 1056 00:54:32,102 --> 00:54:35,855 but you really realize that they don't understand where our hole goes 1057 00:54:35,939 --> 00:54:38,191 when they're behind you, right? 1058 00:54:38,817 --> 00:54:40,652 'Cause during some sex, 1059 00:54:41,319 --> 00:54:46,074 it's always I don't know whose suggestion to not look at your face anymore. 1060 00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:47,575 [laughter] 1061 00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:50,620 "How about you turn around?" "Oh, okay." 1062 00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:55,041 You look back over the shoulder, they're like, 1063 00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,543 "Nope!" You're like, "Okay. 1064 00:54:56,626 --> 00:54:58,086 [laughter] 1065 00:54:58,420 --> 00:54:59,421 I'll be here." 1066 00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:08,430 That's when you know because there's a whole population of men 1067 00:55:08,513 --> 00:55:12,559 who, once they get back there behind you, they'll kneel back there 1068 00:55:12,642 --> 00:55:14,144 and just wait. 1069 00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:17,647 Dick in the wind. 1070 00:55:17,981 --> 00:55:19,649 [laughter] 1071 00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,694 And you're up here, like... 1072 00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:29,075 "Uh... We're rolling." 1073 00:55:29,451 --> 00:55:30,952 [laughter] 1074 00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:39,252 And you realize that he's waiting for you... 1075 00:55:40,837 --> 00:55:43,214 who's on all fours... 1076 00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:44,549 [laughter] 1077 00:55:44,924 --> 00:55:46,885 ...to reach back... 1078 00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:50,555 and put him inside you. 1079 00:55:51,222 --> 00:55:54,100 You're like, "Oh, you want me to...? 1080 00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:55,769 Oh, Okay. Uh... 1081 00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:57,771 Yeah. 1082 00:55:57,854 --> 00:56:00,315 I'll just use my head as, like, a kickstand, just... 1083 00:56:00,732 --> 00:56:04,611 [laughter and applause] 1084 00:56:08,323 --> 00:56:11,701 Yeah. No, it makes sense. I have the better angle here. 1085 00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:18,500 You want to back the garage up to the car, is what...?" 1086 00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:19,667 [laughter] 1087 00:56:22,796 --> 00:56:23,796 Okay. 1088 00:56:25,507 --> 00:56:29,928 Nope, it's fine. You've had a long day making more money than me. Here I come." 1089 00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:33,306 [cheering and applause] 1090 00:56:44,442 --> 00:56:45,485 Luckily, 1091 00:56:46,152 --> 00:56:48,279 my husband does not have that problem. 1092 00:56:48,655 --> 00:56:49,823 [laughter] 1093 00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:51,741 Because... 1094 00:56:52,242 --> 00:56:53,701 of that joke. 1095 00:56:54,119 --> 00:56:56,204 [laughter] 1096 00:56:57,705 --> 00:57:00,250 [applause] 1097 00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,505 I know I talk so much shit about, uh, 1098 00:57:05,839 --> 00:57:09,676 my pregnancy, and it has not been easy, but we're so fucking excited, 1099 00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:13,263 and I do feel really lucky that I was able to get pregnant. 1100 00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:15,556 Yeah. 1101 00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:18,643 [applause, whooping] 1102 00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:21,729 So I... 1103 00:57:22,647 --> 00:57:26,985 was single, you know, most of my life, and felt pretty happy. 1104 00:57:27,068 --> 00:57:31,739 I love my family and friends, and I feel really satisfied with work, and... 1105 00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:33,950 kind of had accepted that, you know? 1106 00:57:34,033 --> 00:57:36,578 And then I just happened... 1107 00:57:37,370 --> 00:57:41,166 to meet this guy, and if you're out there and you're dating 1108 00:57:41,249 --> 00:57:42,250 and you're just thinking, 1109 00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:45,879 "Why can't I meet the right one?" It's not that you haven't met the right one yet. 1110 00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:47,422 I wish someone had told me this. 1111 00:57:47,505 --> 00:57:50,383 It's not that you haven't met the right one yet. It's just... 1112 00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:51,676 that you have to wait... 1113 00:57:52,427 --> 00:57:54,095 for them to get tired. 1114 00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:56,764 [laughter] 1115 00:57:58,224 --> 00:57:59,851 No one told me, right? 1116 00:57:59,934 --> 00:58:03,188 Because men in their 20s and their 30s are just running around. 1117 00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:06,900 [groaning] 1118 00:58:08,359 --> 00:58:09,486 [pants] 1119 00:58:09,569 --> 00:58:11,571 [groaning continues] 1120 00:58:12,572 --> 00:58:15,658 And then their late 30s, they're like, "Oh, God! 1121 00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:17,702 Phew. Oh, God!" 1122 00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:21,498 And that's when you come along and you go... 1123 00:58:22,540 --> 00:58:23,541 "Come on." 1124 00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:25,919 [laughter] 1125 00:58:27,086 --> 00:58:30,715 [cheering and applause] 1126 00:58:32,717 --> 00:58:35,929 And they're like, "Where are we going?" And you're like... 1127 00:58:37,055 --> 00:58:40,225 "We're going to sit on the couch and watch Bravo till we die." 1128 00:58:40,308 --> 00:58:41,976 [laughter] 1129 00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:45,813 [cheering, applause] 1130 00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,818 Thank you so much, Chicago. 1131 00:58:51,653 --> 00:58:53,071 I love you. 1132 00:58:53,154 --> 00:58:54,781 [cheering] 1133 00:59:19,681 --> 00:59:22,058 I realized how ashamed I was of my period. 1134 00:59:23,393 --> 00:59:25,103 [burps] Excuse me. The baby. 1135 00:59:25,186 --> 00:59:26,479 [laughter] 1136 00:59:27,647 --> 00:59:30,483 Right now, every fart's a gamble. 1137 00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:31,776 [laughter] 1138 00:59:32,902 --> 00:59:33,903 Fart roulette. 1139 00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:35,697 [laughter] 1140 00:59:37,865 --> 00:59:40,034 My money's on brown. Um... 1141 00:59:40,118 --> 00:59:41,160 [laughter] 1142 00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,955 So they're flashing a light that says that I need to get some makeup 1143 00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:46,457 because I'm sweating like a monster. All right. 1144 00:59:46,541 --> 00:59:50,336 You guys can only see that I'm sweating here, 1145 00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:53,089 but if there was a camera in my asshole... 1146 00:59:53,172 --> 00:59:54,882 [laughter] 1147 00:59:55,425 --> 00:59:57,885 This is all my hair I bought. 1148 00:59:58,344 --> 00:59:59,721 [laughter] 1149 01:00:00,430 --> 01:00:02,590 There are these two people right in the front row here. 1150 01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:06,352 I'm not going to look at them, but these two people. And like... 1151 01:00:07,145 --> 01:00:09,897 They're, like, truly horrified by everything I'm saying. 1152 01:00:10,231 --> 01:00:11,733 [laughter] 1153 01:00:13,359 --> 01:00:16,321 I'm like, "Did you guys think you were seeing Godspell?" Okay. 1154 01:00:18,781 --> 01:00:21,326 I promise it's not going to get any better, you guys. 1155 01:00:21,409 --> 01:00:23,036 [laughter]