1 00:00:52,574 --> 00:00:55,743 Mickey, have a pee before you go! In the toilet this time! 2 00:01:07,672 --> 00:01:09,298 Mickey! Move! 3 00:01:09,382 --> 00:01:13,886 - Don't sit on the back of the sofa. - What? Whoa! Ow! 4 00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:15,262 Time to get a move on, OK? 5 00:01:15,347 --> 00:01:18,265 Scottish Granddad and his puppies are waiting for us. 6 00:01:18,350 --> 00:01:22,102 Let me take this, let me... Oh! Jeez, what the... 7 00:01:22,562 --> 00:01:25,439 Oh, for f... What's that? 8 00:01:25,565 --> 00:01:26,690 That's Eric. 9 00:01:27,651 --> 00:01:28,817 - Eric? - Yes. 10 00:01:28,902 --> 00:01:31,445 He wants to come to Scotland with us, too. 11 00:01:31,571 --> 00:01:33,822 Thing is, Eric's a wee bit heavy, and... 12 00:01:33,907 --> 00:01:37,576 Hang on, there's a... What's this? 13 00:01:38,495 --> 00:01:41,580 - That's Norman. - That's... half a breeze block. 14 00:01:41,665 --> 00:01:45,376 - How did you even pick that up? - I can't sleep without Norman. 15 00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:47,544 You sleep with... with this in your bed? 16 00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:51,507 No, that would be stupid! He goes at the bottom of my bed 17 00:01:51,591 --> 00:01:54,593 to make sure the bad ones don't come in. 18 00:01:54,678 --> 00:01:58,806 - So there's bad stones and good stones? - Yeah. Like in real life. 19 00:01:58,890 --> 00:02:00,391 Sure. 20 00:02:03,311 --> 00:02:05,813 That's our car alarm! 21 00:02:05,897 --> 00:02:08,315 Oh, for God's sake! 22 00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:14,196 For Odin! 23 00:02:19,953 --> 00:02:23,163 Bloody thing. 24 00:02:25,208 --> 00:02:26,542 Bugger off. 25 00:02:32,966 --> 00:02:36,135 No, I'm sorry, darling, we can't take Norman to Scotland. 26 00:02:36,219 --> 00:02:38,637 - Or Eric. - Right, then I'm gonna hold my breath. 27 00:02:38,722 --> 00:02:41,932 No, no, no. Don't do that. Jess, Jess. Jess, stop it. Jess. Jess. 28 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:47,104 OK, they can come. Look? Fine. See? They're coming, it's OK. 29 00:02:47,188 --> 00:02:49,231 Look, look, in they go, in the bag. 30 00:02:50,191 --> 00:02:52,026 So her best friends are stones now? 31 00:02:52,152 --> 00:02:54,111 Not all of them. Some of them are bricks. 32 00:02:54,195 --> 00:02:57,448 Well, have you, you know, have you spoken to anyone about it? 33 00:02:57,532 --> 00:03:00,284 What, like a geologist? Oh, this thing hates me. 34 00:03:00,368 --> 00:03:03,746 I'm just saying that... obsessive collecting, 35 00:03:03,830 --> 00:03:06,498 it's rather abnormal behaviour for a child to... 36 00:03:06,583 --> 00:03:08,625 She's behaving abnormally? I wonder why. 37 00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:10,461 For Christ's sake, Abi, just get... 38 00:03:10,545 --> 00:03:13,464 - OK, sweetie? - Everything all right? 39 00:03:13,548 --> 00:03:16,050 - I need a list. - A list? 40 00:03:16,176 --> 00:03:19,803 Yeah, of the lies we're going to tell. In case I forget one. 41 00:03:22,223 --> 00:03:25,601 - That is a clove hitch. - It's just a list would be helpful. 42 00:03:25,685 --> 00:03:29,355 - Has anyone seen my house keys? - Oh, M25 slow moving between... 43 00:03:29,439 --> 00:03:31,607 - Keys, keys, keys. ...well, everywhere. 44 00:03:31,691 --> 00:03:33,609 It's just a list would be really helpful. 45 00:03:33,693 --> 00:03:36,820 It's really very simple. It's Granddad's 75th birthday party 46 00:03:36,905 --> 00:03:40,407 and we don't want to upset him because he's been a bit poorly... 47 00:03:40,492 --> 00:03:42,910 He's getting better now. 48 00:03:43,995 --> 00:03:45,454 Yes, but... 49 00:03:45,538 --> 00:03:47,915 Oh, Jesus H Christ! 50 00:03:47,999 --> 00:03:50,918 Mummy, you're not supposed to shout Jesus's name like that. 51 00:03:51,002 --> 00:03:53,879 No, that's all right, it's cos I'm asking for His help. 52 00:03:53,963 --> 00:03:55,923 - To stop the car alarm? - Yep. 53 00:03:56,007 --> 00:03:58,967 See? Thank you, Jesus. 54 00:03:59,803 --> 00:04:00,928 Come on, all aboard! 55 00:04:03,223 --> 00:04:05,641 - Enemies of Odin! - I want the window seat! 56 00:04:05,725 --> 00:04:08,602 - Have you got your key? - No, I gave you my key, remember? 57 00:04:08,728 --> 00:04:12,564 - Yeah. Yep. - We can't leave the house unlocked. 58 00:04:12,649 --> 00:04:14,483 - No, I'm aware of that. - Don't start. 59 00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:16,985 Nobody's starting. You supervise the little ones. 60 00:04:17,070 --> 00:04:20,155 - Well, where are your keys? - Erm, I think someone's hidden them. 61 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,033 Oh, for f... We've got to address this. 62 00:04:23,118 --> 00:04:25,119 - How many times? - Don't start! 63 00:04:25,245 --> 00:04:27,329 - We're not starting, darling. - OK. 64 00:04:27,414 --> 00:04:29,748 - Well, where are you going? - Lucy. 65 00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:32,084 She won't let me put her seat belt on. 66 00:04:32,168 --> 00:04:34,545 - I don't like it! - We've got to put it on. 67 00:04:34,629 --> 00:04:37,506 She'll be through the window screen and cut into tiny pieces. 68 00:04:37,590 --> 00:04:41,093 Yes, thank you, Mickey. Ooh, I've got a good idea. 69 00:04:41,177 --> 00:04:45,222 Why don't we ask Eric if he knows how to put? 70 00:04:45,306 --> 00:04:47,975 - It is Norman, Mum. - Norman, as I was saying, 71 00:04:48,059 --> 00:04:51,228 why don't we ask Norman if he knows how to put a seat belt on? 72 00:04:51,312 --> 00:04:52,646 He's a breeze block! 73 00:04:52,772 --> 00:04:56,442 And he doesn't have arms! How could he possibly put my seat belt on? 74 00:04:56,526 --> 00:04:58,026 Right, I'm putting it on. 75 00:04:58,111 --> 00:04:59,987 It's the stone that needs the seat belt. 76 00:05:00,071 --> 00:05:03,157 Because if we brake hard, it will go straight through your head 77 00:05:03,283 --> 00:05:07,077 or Daddy's head if he's driving... for your information. 78 00:05:09,706 --> 00:05:12,207 Oh, hi, Lucy. Erm, Abi's managed to lose her keys 79 00:05:12,292 --> 00:05:14,543 and I need to lock up, so could I borrow the spare? 80 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,379 If you could just let me have... 81 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:24,094 - Oh. - Oh, no, Luce, it's fine. 82 00:05:24,179 --> 00:05:25,721 Oh, right. 83 00:05:30,310 --> 00:05:33,187 So, you're off on your travels. 84 00:05:33,313 --> 00:05:34,897 Yeah, to visit my dad. 85 00:05:34,981 --> 00:05:37,441 - You're driving all the way to Scotland? - That's right. 86 00:05:37,525 --> 00:05:39,193 - Together? - Yeah. 87 00:05:39,402 --> 00:05:40,861 700... 88 00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:43,197 We cannot drive to the Highlands in one day. 89 00:05:43,323 --> 00:05:45,324 I told Gavin we'd be there tonight. 90 00:05:45,408 --> 00:05:48,285 - We haven't got a cat's hope in hell. - We can share the driving. 91 00:05:48,369 --> 00:05:50,913 - What, with Jenson Button? - Please don't argue. 92 00:05:50,997 --> 00:05:53,749 We're not arguing, darling, we're discussing. 93 00:05:53,833 --> 00:05:55,918 This is how it starts. You start discussing, 94 00:05:56,002 --> 00:05:59,087 - then end up shouting and screaming. - Then the policeman comes. 95 00:06:00,256 --> 00:06:02,466 That was just a misunderstanding, sweetheart. 96 00:06:02,550 --> 00:06:06,220 Sometimes when grown-ups discuss things... very loudly, 97 00:06:06,346 --> 00:06:09,097 - people get the wrong ideas. - He let me play with his Taser. 98 00:06:09,182 --> 00:06:12,184 - Well, he didn't let you. - That was another misunderstanding. 99 00:06:12,268 --> 00:06:16,563 - He didn't say I couldn't. - Did the electricity feel nice, Daddy? 100 00:06:17,607 --> 00:06:19,399 No, not nice. 101 00:06:23,238 --> 00:06:25,781 So, we're all going to have a holiday together? 102 00:06:25,865 --> 00:06:28,659 Yeah, yep. It'll be lovely, won't it? 103 00:06:28,743 --> 00:06:33,872 Does that mean that Daddy's gonna come and live with us again? 104 00:06:33,957 --> 00:06:37,209 Well, no, sweetheart, we've been through all this, haven't we? 105 00:06:37,293 --> 00:06:38,877 - Oh, yeah. - Hey? 106 00:06:38,962 --> 00:06:42,339 And the important thing to remember is that Mummy and Daddy... 107 00:06:42,423 --> 00:06:44,299 both love you very much, 108 00:06:44,384 --> 00:06:49,930 but then sometimes a mummy and a daddy reach a point where, 109 00:06:50,014 --> 00:06:51,265 well, things change, 110 00:06:51,391 --> 00:06:55,435 and then one of them finds that they don't really love the other one 111 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,064 like they used to, and then, maybe because of that, 112 00:06:59,148 --> 00:07:02,651 the other one... makes a mistake. 113 00:07:02,735 --> 00:07:04,111 Like Lloyd's dad? 114 00:07:04,195 --> 00:07:07,322 Well, that was actually quite a big mistake. 115 00:07:07,407 --> 00:07:09,783 Running over Lloyd's mum with his car, that was... 116 00:07:09,909 --> 00:07:11,827 No, I'm talking about a smaller mistake 117 00:07:11,911 --> 00:07:14,538 where, well, one of them does something that is... 118 00:07:14,622 --> 00:07:17,249 a little bit silly and selfish with someone at work, 119 00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:19,710 so they find themselves having rows and... 120 00:07:19,794 --> 00:07:24,047 getting cross, and then one of them goes to someone called a solicitor 121 00:07:24,132 --> 00:07:26,925 and sometimes, if one of them is getting angry... 122 00:07:27,010 --> 00:07:30,429 one of them tells his solicitor to keep saying no to everything 123 00:07:30,513 --> 00:07:32,639 even though they know they're in the wrong 124 00:07:32,724 --> 00:07:34,266 which means that even though 125 00:07:34,350 --> 00:07:37,603 a mummy and daddy love the children very, very much... 126 00:07:37,687 --> 00:07:39,104 and always will... 127 00:07:39,188 --> 00:07:41,189 they just keep getting crosser and... 128 00:07:41,274 --> 00:07:44,234 crosser, until the mummy and daddy start blaming each other 129 00:07:44,319 --> 00:07:47,446 for every tiny thing even though none of this would be happening 130 00:07:47,530 --> 00:07:50,407 if the other one had just listened to him in the first place. 131 00:07:50,491 --> 00:07:52,034 - Dad? - Yes, Mickey? 132 00:07:53,286 --> 00:07:54,995 These are a bit tight. 133 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:03,170 Dad! Dad! We've brought your 12 o'clock pills! 134 00:08:03,254 --> 00:08:06,965 Oh, chase me round the loch on water skis, why don't you? 135 00:08:07,050 --> 00:08:11,261 Only, you left them behind! And, er... and it's 12 o'clock! 136 00:08:11,346 --> 00:08:13,889 Come on, you beauty! Come on! 137 00:08:13,973 --> 00:08:16,808 With his heart, he is supposed to stay calm. 138 00:08:16,893 --> 00:08:20,562 I mean, how can anybody get so worked up about fishing? 139 00:08:20,647 --> 00:08:22,606 Oh, Jesus! 140 00:08:22,690 --> 00:08:24,566 Never think of looking left and right? 141 00:08:24,651 --> 00:08:25,651 Dad! 142 00:08:30,698 --> 00:08:34,034 - Is this Scotland? - No, darling, this is Watford. 143 00:08:35,662 --> 00:08:38,330 When Daddy wakes up, are you gonna go, "I told you so," 144 00:08:38,414 --> 00:08:40,290 cos of the traffic congestion? 145 00:08:40,375 --> 00:08:42,125 No, darling. 146 00:08:44,796 --> 00:08:48,215 She's not gonna say, "I told you so." 147 00:08:48,299 --> 00:08:49,758 Jess! What did you do that for? 148 00:08:49,842 --> 00:08:51,343 It's rude to wake someone up. 149 00:08:51,427 --> 00:08:54,596 - That's right. - A million thousand... 150 00:08:57,225 --> 00:08:59,810 Oh, God. Look at this lot. 151 00:09:02,021 --> 00:09:03,438 Leave it. 152 00:09:04,524 --> 00:09:05,607 Abi's phone. 153 00:09:08,194 --> 00:09:10,612 Hang on. It's Leon. 154 00:09:10,697 --> 00:09:12,531 I'll call him back. 155 00:09:12,615 --> 00:09:14,825 She'll call you back. 156 00:09:14,909 --> 00:09:17,828 I feel car sick. Can I sit in the front? 157 00:09:17,912 --> 00:09:20,414 Next time we stop, sweetie. If we're allowed to. 158 00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:23,208 In 50 metres, turn right. 159 00:09:23,292 --> 00:09:25,711 We can't bloody turn right, there's no right turn. 160 00:09:25,795 --> 00:09:29,423 - She can't hear you. She's a robot. - She is the most overpriced... 161 00:09:29,549 --> 00:09:30,757 Can we change the voice? 162 00:09:30,842 --> 00:09:33,135 Can we have it in Italian like we did last time? 163 00:09:33,219 --> 00:09:35,011 No. That's how we ended up in Ipswich. 164 00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:38,515 But we can have it in African language, say for example, 165 00:09:38,599 --> 00:09:41,017 - either like Chad or? - Chad isn't a language. 166 00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:43,395 Zimbabwe or Bahamas. 167 00:09:44,731 --> 00:09:46,314 Or even Israelian. 168 00:09:46,399 --> 00:09:48,150 Oh, God, it's Gavin. 169 00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:50,402 Accept it, we are not gonna get there tonight. 170 00:09:50,486 --> 00:09:53,029 The traffic always gets better after Leeds. Hi, Gavin. 171 00:09:53,114 --> 00:09:55,323 Tell him we won't make it today. 172 00:09:55,408 --> 00:09:57,909 Yeah, it is safe me talking to you. Abi's driving. 173 00:09:57,994 --> 00:09:59,369 Tell him. 174 00:09:59,454 --> 00:10:01,788 Because in England we let women drive. 175 00:10:01,873 --> 00:10:04,291 Tell him. 176 00:10:04,375 --> 00:10:08,003 No, we will make it tonight, just probably quite late. OK. 177 00:10:08,838 --> 00:10:10,589 OK, bye. Bye-bye. 178 00:10:33,738 --> 00:10:38,325 Hello, I wondered if Sir Donald was in. Thank you. 179 00:10:38,409 --> 00:10:40,160 We've got three bulimics. 180 00:10:40,244 --> 00:10:43,497 Do you think we should put them next to the buffet or a long way from it? 181 00:10:44,123 --> 00:10:47,042 I think near the toilet's probably more important. 182 00:10:47,126 --> 00:10:49,419 Er, do you know, I think Doreen... 183 00:10:50,546 --> 00:10:53,507 er, she'd be more comfortable away from the top table. 184 00:10:53,633 --> 00:10:56,927 Maybe we should let your dad decide, because she is one of his oldest... 185 00:10:57,011 --> 00:11:00,889 - Sir Donald. Gavin. Yeah. ...friends. 186 00:11:00,973 --> 00:11:02,891 Gavin. 187 00:11:02,975 --> 00:11:04,601 Gavin McLeod. Yeah. 188 00:11:04,685 --> 00:11:06,895 I hear you got a hole-in-one at the 13th. 189 00:11:22,537 --> 00:11:27,290 Well, he won't be bothering us again. 190 00:11:29,293 --> 00:11:30,418 Just wait there, kids. 191 00:11:30,503 --> 00:11:34,297 I like being sick, it's like being a fountain. 192 00:11:34,382 --> 00:11:36,633 - I was sickest most. - No, I was. 193 00:11:36,717 --> 00:11:39,427 Thanks for stopping for the night. 194 00:11:40,346 --> 00:11:42,347 I just want to get there as soon as possible. 195 00:11:42,431 --> 00:11:44,349 - No, I know. - His T-shirt. 196 00:11:44,433 --> 00:11:46,726 His T-shirt was full of vomit because of me. 197 00:11:46,811 --> 00:11:47,894 Listen, Doug... 198 00:11:51,899 --> 00:11:54,526 It's a draw. You both produced an equal amount of sick. 199 00:11:54,610 --> 00:11:56,528 But I still won. 200 00:11:57,947 --> 00:12:01,491 Er... why are we putting ourselves through all this? 201 00:12:01,576 --> 00:12:04,369 Maybe we should just tell your dad the truth. 202 00:12:04,453 --> 00:12:06,621 No, no, it's too big a risk. 203 00:12:06,706 --> 00:12:09,249 It could really upset him, the idea of us splitting. 204 00:12:10,585 --> 00:12:12,168 Please, Abi. 205 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:15,422 He can't have long, let's just... 206 00:12:15,506 --> 00:12:17,257 Let's just let him have his party. 207 00:12:26,851 --> 00:12:31,229 Oh, Jesus Christ. No, no, no. 208 00:12:45,578 --> 00:12:49,414 Lottie, no one's gonna ask you if Mum and me are living in the same house. 209 00:12:49,498 --> 00:12:51,833 Is there anything else you've not told me? 210 00:12:51,918 --> 00:12:53,084 No. 211 00:12:54,545 --> 00:12:57,756 - Why are you writing that down? - So you can't say you didn't say it. 212 00:12:58,466 --> 00:13:02,761 OK. Kids, just to remind... Mickey, stop playing chip Jenga. 213 00:13:02,845 --> 00:13:06,181 Just to remind everyone, what we're saying is, when we get to Scotland, 214 00:13:06,265 --> 00:13:11,144 nobody is to tell anyone that Mum and me are living in different houses, OK? 215 00:13:11,270 --> 00:13:14,940 Can we tell them that you walked in while the headmistress was doing a poo? 216 00:13:15,024 --> 00:13:16,358 It's not really... 217 00:13:16,442 --> 00:13:19,277 Can we tell them about tadpoles turning into frogs? 218 00:13:19,362 --> 00:13:22,155 Absolutely. I think that'd be an excellent conversation. 219 00:13:22,281 --> 00:13:24,741 That's a much better topic of conversation. 220 00:13:24,825 --> 00:13:28,536 So as long as we're all agreed, none of us mention anything about this. 221 00:13:28,621 --> 00:13:31,331 I wasn't gonna mention it anyway. It's boring. 222 00:13:31,415 --> 00:13:33,166 - Exactly. - It's lying. 223 00:13:33,292 --> 00:13:35,669 It's... It's not lying, it's not. 224 00:13:35,795 --> 00:13:38,838 It's not... It's not mentioning something. 225 00:13:38,923 --> 00:13:41,758 What if someone asks, "Are your mum and dad getting divorced?" 226 00:13:41,842 --> 00:13:46,096 You're visiting your granddad, not going on The Jeremy Kyle Show. 227 00:13:48,099 --> 00:13:51,601 I hope we get another sunset tonight. Last night was fantastic. 228 00:13:51,686 --> 00:13:55,230 It's the volcanic dust in the air refracting the low-level sunlight. 229 00:13:56,315 --> 00:13:57,732 Really? 230 00:13:57,817 --> 00:14:00,568 I thought it was those new pills the doctor's got me on. 231 00:14:00,653 --> 00:14:03,488 Must give you a couple of packets of the blue ones. 232 00:14:03,572 --> 00:14:07,450 You can take them to school, sell them to your friends, make a tidy wee profit. 233 00:14:10,997 --> 00:14:12,872 Play something. 234 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,425 Nah, nah, nah. Play the proper stuff. 235 00:14:23,509 --> 00:14:26,594 You know you like it. And you've got to cut loose, Kenny. 236 00:14:26,679 --> 00:14:28,054 Go mental. 237 00:14:29,348 --> 00:14:31,975 Dad says I need to concentrate on my exam pieces. 238 00:15:19,231 --> 00:15:21,483 In 50 metres, turn right. 239 00:15:21,567 --> 00:15:24,194 Right. 240 00:15:24,278 --> 00:15:26,780 Oh, Jesus. 241 00:15:26,906 --> 00:15:28,656 Why didn't you wake me? 242 00:15:28,741 --> 00:15:31,367 - You said it was rude. - Not while I'm driving. 243 00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:32,452 What's happening? 244 00:15:32,536 --> 00:15:35,747 Daddy didn't like me driving when he was asleep. 245 00:15:35,831 --> 00:15:38,374 - What? You were asleep? - Is this Scotland? 246 00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:40,794 Do you mean you actually fell asleep? 247 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:42,337 Not really. 248 00:15:42,421 --> 00:15:45,548 - Yeah, these are the Highlands. - How high are the Highlands? 249 00:15:45,633 --> 00:15:48,802 - Were you sleeping? - High. Higher than the Lowlands. 250 00:15:48,928 --> 00:15:50,470 Did you fall asleep? 251 00:16:29,301 --> 00:16:30,885 Puppies! 252 00:16:33,222 --> 00:16:35,306 Forgotten the way to Scotland then? 253 00:16:53,826 --> 00:16:55,952 So, Mickey, belated birthday present. 254 00:16:56,078 --> 00:16:58,454 I expect you can guess what it is. 255 00:16:58,581 --> 00:17:00,415 Is it a bicycle? 256 00:17:00,499 --> 00:17:03,835 Is it a... joke cushion that stabs you in the bottom? 257 00:17:03,961 --> 00:17:05,628 - No, it is not. - Is it a cow pie? 258 00:17:05,754 --> 00:17:06,921 Granddad! 259 00:17:06,964 --> 00:17:09,632 - Happy birthday! - Hello, darling. 260 00:17:11,302 --> 00:17:12,927 Hey, Dad. 261 00:17:14,263 --> 00:17:15,597 - Gordie. - Hello. 262 00:17:15,681 --> 00:17:18,933 - Happy birthday. - Thanks very much. 263 00:17:18,976 --> 00:17:22,103 - How's things, Dad? - Fine, fine, good. 264 00:17:22,188 --> 00:17:23,646 And how's things with you? 265 00:17:23,772 --> 00:17:25,273 - Fine. - Brilliant, brilliant. 266 00:17:25,316 --> 00:17:26,482 I mean, super. More than. 267 00:17:26,609 --> 00:17:29,277 - Brilliant, tremendous. - It is more fun actually. Fun. 268 00:17:29,361 --> 00:17:31,279 - Yeah. - Isn't it? Yeah. 269 00:17:31,363 --> 00:17:34,365 - Really, really, really good. - Right. 270 00:17:34,491 --> 00:17:37,619 - I did you a birthday card, Granddad. - Oh, thanks, Lottie. 271 00:17:37,703 --> 00:17:39,829 She's got something of your mother. 272 00:17:39,955 --> 00:17:42,457 - Can he not play with that? - Oh, Mickey! 273 00:17:42,541 --> 00:17:46,211 Sorry, I just wanted to show Granddad the badger in the revolving doors 274 00:17:46,295 --> 00:17:47,670 and the nun with two heads. 275 00:17:47,796 --> 00:17:49,672 Nobody wants to see a nun with two heads. 276 00:17:49,798 --> 00:17:52,217 - I do. - That computer's not for kids. 277 00:17:52,301 --> 00:17:54,969 All the terminals are connected. It's a... 278 00:17:55,012 --> 00:17:56,971 - Synergised system. - That's right. 279 00:17:57,014 --> 00:17:59,557 You know, the whole house is virtually wireless. 280 00:17:59,642 --> 00:18:02,018 It's, well, more than an iCloud, it's... 281 00:18:02,144 --> 00:18:04,229 iFog? 282 00:18:04,897 --> 00:18:06,648 It's an intelligent house. 283 00:18:06,732 --> 00:18:09,150 Is it as intelligent 284 00:18:09,193 --> 00:18:10,818 as a squid? 285 00:18:10,861 --> 00:18:14,030 - As a squid? - Cos it can fit through a hole. 286 00:18:14,156 --> 00:18:15,490 It's intelligent in a way... 287 00:18:15,574 --> 00:18:18,660 - Can it draw a leopard? - What? 288 00:18:18,702 --> 00:18:19,994 And can it do cartwheels? 289 00:18:20,037 --> 00:18:22,872 If this house is more intelligent than you... 290 00:18:22,998 --> 00:18:25,667 - Mickey. - This system cost a lot of money. 291 00:18:25,709 --> 00:18:28,878 Well, it doesn't always mean it's intelligent if... 292 00:18:29,004 --> 00:18:30,880 - It cost loads of money. - Yeah. 293 00:18:31,006 --> 00:18:32,840 You're not explaining it at all well. 294 00:18:32,925 --> 00:18:38,012 I think we should take you to the headmaster of your place 295 00:18:38,055 --> 00:18:40,223 - because... - It's an intelligent house, OK? 296 00:18:42,351 --> 00:18:44,018 You know, it's connected. 297 00:18:44,061 --> 00:18:45,353 Let there be light. 298 00:18:47,731 --> 00:18:51,192 Now then, clan of McLeod, if you'll excuse me... 299 00:18:51,277 --> 00:18:52,944 Hmm. 300 00:18:54,697 --> 00:18:57,115 Where are the keys? They were there a moment ago. 301 00:18:57,199 --> 00:19:00,118 Who could have taken them? 302 00:19:00,202 --> 00:19:01,286 I don't know. 303 00:19:03,205 --> 00:19:04,414 Magpies? 304 00:19:08,127 --> 00:19:09,711 Magpies? 305 00:19:10,879 --> 00:19:14,924 This is my domain. Only special people come here. 306 00:19:17,219 --> 00:19:18,219 After you, my dear. 307 00:19:21,056 --> 00:19:22,890 Ta-dah! 308 00:19:32,818 --> 00:19:37,613 Jess? This is insane! I only asked you where the keys were. 309 00:19:37,740 --> 00:19:40,908 Jessie, Jessie, just breathe, take a big, big breath. 310 00:19:40,993 --> 00:19:42,410 A big, deep breath. 311 00:19:42,453 --> 00:19:44,746 - She holds her breath? - Yeah. 312 00:19:44,830 --> 00:19:48,082 Ah, well. She can't do herself too much harm, eh? 313 00:19:48,125 --> 00:19:51,085 Well, actually... 314 00:19:51,128 --> 00:19:53,588 Till she blacks out? Unconscious? 315 00:19:53,672 --> 00:19:58,301 That's quite extreme, isn't it? To hold your breath that long. 316 00:19:58,427 --> 00:20:01,429 Well, she can always become a pearl diver. 317 00:20:06,268 --> 00:20:07,518 Where's Sir Donald gone? 318 00:20:07,644 --> 00:20:11,439 Have you noticed anything odd about Doug and Abi? 319 00:20:11,523 --> 00:20:14,150 Hey, what have you done to that helmet? 320 00:20:14,276 --> 00:20:15,985 I took the horns off it. 321 00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:18,654 London manners. Eh? 322 00:20:18,781 --> 00:20:23,117 Doug can't control them. And as for her... 323 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,454 That's what happens when you marry someone too clever. 324 00:20:31,043 --> 00:20:33,127 That's me when I was 20. 325 00:20:33,212 --> 00:20:34,962 Only my skin was a little less orange. 326 00:20:38,509 --> 00:20:40,301 Is that you with the monkey? 327 00:20:40,344 --> 00:20:43,179 Yeah, that was my 30th birthday in Northern Rhodesia. 328 00:20:43,305 --> 00:20:46,516 - We were looking for silver. - Kneel before mighty Odin! 329 00:20:46,642 --> 00:20:49,185 Do you not get birthdays after you're 75? 330 00:20:49,311 --> 00:20:50,311 What? 331 00:20:50,354 --> 00:20:54,690 Dad said to Mum it's going to be Granddad's last birthday. I heard him. 332 00:20:55,901 --> 00:20:57,819 Ooh, Blu-Tack. Can I have this? 333 00:20:57,861 --> 00:21:01,322 Sure. Tell you what, why don't you go check out on the puppies? 334 00:21:01,365 --> 00:21:03,324 - See if they're OK. - Sure. 335 00:21:03,409 --> 00:21:05,159 I'm building a big... 336 00:21:11,041 --> 00:21:13,251 You've heard of cancer? 337 00:21:13,335 --> 00:21:15,711 Well, I've got that. 338 00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:17,672 But you will get better. 339 00:21:17,756 --> 00:21:21,050 Well, actually, no, they can't make me any better 340 00:21:21,176 --> 00:21:23,177 and the treatments they've been giving me 341 00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:25,513 have been putting a terrible strain on my heart. 342 00:21:29,518 --> 00:21:34,522 But right now, right this second, I feel brilliant. 343 00:21:37,234 --> 00:21:40,194 - What is this? - It's my notebook. 344 00:21:41,363 --> 00:21:43,448 You know, Lottie, 345 00:21:43,532 --> 00:21:47,243 a lot of life doesn't look very good written down. 346 00:21:48,036 --> 00:21:51,205 So, cousin Kenneth is the one who took the keys? 347 00:21:51,290 --> 00:21:52,874 Yeah, isn't he a naughty boy? 348 00:21:52,916 --> 00:21:55,460 And where did cousin Kenneth put the keys? 349 00:21:59,631 --> 00:22:00,631 Right. 350 00:22:00,757 --> 00:22:02,550 - Lost something? - No. 351 00:22:02,593 --> 00:22:04,886 Ready for football? 352 00:22:04,970 --> 00:22:08,556 Leon, hi. No, still very keen. 353 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,142 - Oh, nice header. - Yeah, all right. Yeah. 354 00:22:11,268 --> 00:22:13,060 - It's mine! - Hey? 355 00:22:13,103 --> 00:22:14,562 Oh! There you go. 356 00:22:15,022 --> 00:22:16,898 Maybe your parents just lied to protect you. 357 00:22:16,940 --> 00:22:19,984 - Do you ever lie? - Well, I've told lots of lies. 358 00:22:20,068 --> 00:22:22,320 Lots and lots of lies. I always lied to policemen 359 00:22:22,404 --> 00:22:24,238 who said, "What speed were you going?" 360 00:22:24,281 --> 00:22:27,283 I say, "30mph," when I was clearly doing much faster than that. 361 00:22:29,745 --> 00:22:31,787 And I don't care. 362 00:22:34,166 --> 00:22:39,170 Sometimes, if your intentions are good, it's OK to lie. 363 00:22:39,296 --> 00:22:42,757 And if you don't like someone's food at someone's house, 364 00:22:42,799 --> 00:22:44,926 and you say, "This is great," even though... 365 00:22:44,968 --> 00:22:48,179 That's what you do. You don't say, "My God, I think I'm gonna vomit here." 366 00:22:48,305 --> 00:22:53,768 What you're saying is, it's OK to lie to some people sometimes? 367 00:22:53,852 --> 00:22:55,353 Yeah, it's also good fun. 368 00:22:55,437 --> 00:22:56,854 For instance... 369 00:22:58,106 --> 00:23:00,942 Maybe we can find him in here. George Judd. 370 00:23:02,444 --> 00:23:03,861 There he is, that's him there. 371 00:23:03,946 --> 00:23:07,281 When he told him there was an elephant leech clinging to his bollocks, 372 00:23:07,324 --> 00:23:09,450 he got such a fright, he completely fainted. 373 00:23:12,496 --> 00:23:14,872 - Is that you? - No, I'm the wee one. 374 00:23:14,957 --> 00:23:16,791 So who's that? 375 00:23:17,668 --> 00:23:19,335 Er... 376 00:23:22,297 --> 00:23:23,965 How could I forget? 377 00:23:24,007 --> 00:23:27,134 Dip me in vinegar and call me a fish supper. 378 00:23:27,177 --> 00:23:30,388 I have here a chocolate model of the Alps. 379 00:23:30,472 --> 00:23:32,348 Ta-dah! 380 00:23:33,809 --> 00:23:37,853 Here he comes, weaving his magic. 381 00:23:37,980 --> 00:23:39,981 And he's clean through... 382 00:23:40,023 --> 00:23:42,567 - Foul! - Come on! I hardly touched you! 383 00:23:42,651 --> 00:23:44,360 And so it begins. 384 00:23:44,486 --> 00:23:46,362 Kenneth, your ball! 385 00:23:46,488 --> 00:23:48,823 - Oh, for Christ's sake! - Gavin! 386 00:23:48,907 --> 00:23:51,367 What is wrong with you? For crying out loud. 387 00:23:51,868 --> 00:23:54,495 - Mickey, this is your ball! - I'm a Berserker! 388 00:23:54,580 --> 00:23:56,539 Will you stop being a Berserker? Ow! 389 00:23:56,665 --> 00:23:58,833 - And England are rattled. - I'm not England. 390 00:23:58,917 --> 00:24:01,544 You're so English, you're practically French. 391 00:24:01,670 --> 00:24:05,548 Oh, no! I think I see a marauding Berserker! 392 00:24:05,674 --> 00:24:07,425 Help! 393 00:24:07,509 --> 00:24:09,760 - That would have killed me. - I've killed you! 394 00:24:09,886 --> 00:24:12,388 But I moved my heart to the other side, thank goodness. 395 00:24:12,514 --> 00:24:14,557 - You can't. - You can when you're Scottish. 396 00:24:14,683 --> 00:24:17,560 - You've got a movable heart. - You're dead. 397 00:24:17,686 --> 00:24:19,687 Jess! Kick it in the goal! 398 00:24:19,730 --> 00:24:21,188 Kenneth, you spaz! 399 00:24:21,273 --> 00:24:23,190 Gavin, please! 400 00:24:23,233 --> 00:24:26,736 Get the bloody ball! She's gonna score! 401 00:24:30,198 --> 00:24:32,742 Jess! Oh, God. Jess, are you OK? 402 00:24:32,868 --> 00:24:35,369 - Darling! - I'm so sorry, Jess. 403 00:24:35,454 --> 00:24:36,871 - I'm sorry. - It's all right. 404 00:24:36,955 --> 00:24:39,373 - I'm really, really sorry. - It wasn't your fault. 405 00:24:39,416 --> 00:24:41,792 No, no, it was his fault. 406 00:24:41,918 --> 00:24:43,794 - Is she OK? - No harm done. 407 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:45,755 Come on, let's get you some ice cream. 408 00:24:47,549 --> 00:24:48,829 I'll make you a hot chocolate... 409 00:24:50,469 --> 00:24:52,428 I'm just gonna take this penalty. 410 00:24:53,722 --> 00:24:56,265 - Did you really play for Scotland? - Aye, I did. 411 00:24:56,391 --> 00:24:57,892 Just the once, against Cyprus. 412 00:24:57,934 --> 00:25:00,227 - Did you score? - I certainly did. 413 00:25:00,312 --> 00:25:04,732 A cracking header into the top corner... of my own net. 414 00:25:04,816 --> 00:25:07,818 That's probably why you only played once. 415 00:25:07,944 --> 00:25:11,572 Somebody going to go in goal? Gavin? 416 00:25:11,615 --> 00:25:13,908 So how are you feeling? 417 00:25:13,992 --> 00:25:17,745 Really, really pissed off with this dying thing. 418 00:25:17,829 --> 00:25:21,832 Terribly, utterly 100 percent pissed off. 419 00:25:21,958 --> 00:25:23,334 Like millions before me. 420 00:25:24,795 --> 00:25:28,589 You could look on the bright side. You dodged Alzheimer's. 421 00:25:28,674 --> 00:25:31,258 Gavin! 422 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,763 This morning I was thinking of Doug when he was Jess's age. 423 00:25:35,847 --> 00:25:39,266 I used to tickle him and he'd go, "No, no, no!" 424 00:25:39,351 --> 00:25:42,812 Then when I was finished, he'd go, "More, more, more, more!" 425 00:25:42,938 --> 00:25:46,107 Which sums up exactly how I feel about living. 426 00:25:48,652 --> 00:25:50,111 One-all. 427 00:25:50,612 --> 00:25:54,615 Right, time, everybody! Margaret! 428 00:25:57,786 --> 00:25:58,953 The keys are back 429 00:25:59,037 --> 00:26:00,996 Hm-hmm. 430 00:26:01,707 --> 00:26:05,334 Uncle Gavin, are you rich? This place is enormous. 431 00:26:05,460 --> 00:26:08,129 Er, no, no, no. Comfortable. 432 00:26:08,171 --> 00:26:12,508 This isn't actually... This is owned by my company, not by me, 433 00:26:12,634 --> 00:26:14,385 so I use, like, a tax wrapper... 434 00:26:14,511 --> 00:26:17,221 - Are you like a tax man? - No. No, no... 435 00:26:17,305 --> 00:26:18,848 What is your actual job then? 436 00:26:18,974 --> 00:26:21,308 Well, er, I have an interest in a fund... 437 00:26:21,393 --> 00:26:24,979 - So you're a banker? - No. No, I work with banks... 438 00:26:25,021 --> 00:26:28,357 - Dad said bankers are scum. - Hmm! 439 00:26:28,483 --> 00:26:32,069 Did I say? Well... I might have done, yeah. 440 00:26:32,154 --> 00:26:34,822 Would you ever have thought that you would own this house 441 00:26:34,906 --> 00:26:36,866 if you were not a banker? 442 00:26:36,992 --> 00:26:39,744 - I'm not a banker. - Yeah, Gav. What is your actual job? 443 00:26:39,828 --> 00:26:42,371 - What is scum? - I use money to make money. 444 00:26:42,497 --> 00:26:45,166 - That doesn't make sense. - Margaret! 445 00:26:45,208 --> 00:26:47,877 When will we ever get this answer out of you? 446 00:26:48,003 --> 00:26:49,920 I'm giving you the answer, you're not... 447 00:26:50,046 --> 00:26:52,923 - Is it gonna be the 12th of July? - Enough. 448 00:26:53,049 --> 00:26:56,552 - I'm a short seller. - You sell shorts? 449 00:26:57,095 --> 00:26:58,220 A short sailor? 450 00:26:59,055 --> 00:27:02,558 Not a short sailor, a short seller. 451 00:27:02,684 --> 00:27:06,270 Your friends, do they sell shoes, socks, hairpieces? 452 00:27:06,354 --> 00:27:08,522 What sort of millionaire are you? 453 00:27:08,607 --> 00:27:11,442 OK, I've got lots of money, OK? Lots of money! 454 00:27:11,568 --> 00:27:14,862 I've got shares, I've got property, I've got gold. 455 00:27:14,946 --> 00:27:17,114 I've got lots of money! Can we just? 456 00:27:17,199 --> 00:27:18,949 Margaret! 457 00:27:32,297 --> 00:27:35,633 If this has got another two minutes, we're gonna get obese. 458 00:27:35,717 --> 00:27:39,220 I can even feel myself getting obese now. 459 00:27:40,305 --> 00:27:42,765 Sweetie, that's... 460 00:27:42,891 --> 00:27:45,142 This is killing me. 461 00:27:45,227 --> 00:27:47,478 Right now, do you realise this is killing me? 462 00:27:49,231 --> 00:27:51,106 You should have told me about Granddad. 463 00:27:51,233 --> 00:27:52,942 - I'm sorry. - Shh, shh, shh! 464 00:27:54,736 --> 00:27:57,238 You and Mum need to stop lying. 465 00:28:04,955 --> 00:28:07,623 If you didn't lie so much, maybe you'd still be together. 466 00:28:07,749 --> 00:28:09,333 Bravo! 467 00:28:09,417 --> 00:28:12,753 And maybe Mum wouldn't be on the phone to her solicitor all night 468 00:28:12,796 --> 00:28:15,422 banging on about breaches and leave to remove. 469 00:28:15,465 --> 00:28:16,507 More! 470 00:28:20,804 --> 00:28:22,596 Wasn't that great? 471 00:29:10,687 --> 00:29:12,229 Sorry, I shouldn't have... 472 00:29:12,314 --> 00:29:15,316 Kenneth, darling, it's fine. 473 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:19,528 This, it's just something women do when they get a bit older. 474 00:29:19,654 --> 00:29:21,530 It's perfectly normal. 475 00:29:21,656 --> 00:29:24,700 Just letting off a bit of steam. 476 00:29:25,911 --> 00:29:29,371 Is this about the... incident? 477 00:29:30,832 --> 00:29:34,501 Incident? What incident? 478 00:29:34,586 --> 00:29:37,379 Mum, it's on YouTube. 479 00:29:49,976 --> 00:29:52,853 - Leave to remove? - I need the toilet. 480 00:29:56,983 --> 00:29:59,276 - Doug! - I texted my solicitor. 481 00:29:59,361 --> 00:30:00,486 I'm dying for a pee. 482 00:30:00,570 --> 00:30:03,155 You're planning to take my children away, aren't you? 483 00:30:03,239 --> 00:30:07,326 - Somewhere that's... - Newcastle, OK? Newcastle, right? 484 00:30:08,495 --> 00:30:11,163 - Now is not the time to talk about it. - When is a good time? 485 00:30:11,247 --> 00:30:12,748 When I'm not on the toilet. 486 00:30:16,753 --> 00:30:18,045 - Newcastle? - Yeah. 487 00:30:18,129 --> 00:30:21,090 You're seriously gonna take my children to live in Newcastle? 488 00:30:21,174 --> 00:30:24,009 - I'm thinking about it. - Have you told the kids? 489 00:30:24,094 --> 00:30:27,429 - You found this? - Yeah. 490 00:30:27,514 --> 00:30:31,392 I think it's a king's brooch because it's got the Tree of Life on it. 491 00:30:31,476 --> 00:30:33,852 Is it true you're a Viking? Cos Dad said you were. 492 00:30:33,937 --> 00:30:37,731 Oh, yeah. University Hospital were doing DNA tests 493 00:30:37,857 --> 00:30:40,067 and wanted volunteers. 494 00:30:40,151 --> 00:30:42,653 And seeing as they were forever taking my blood anyway, 495 00:30:42,737 --> 00:30:45,197 seems I'm 84 percent Viking. 496 00:30:47,784 --> 00:30:49,368 That's most of me. 497 00:30:57,460 --> 00:31:00,921 Look, come on. I thought we agreed that this weekend was about your dad 498 00:31:01,006 --> 00:31:04,174 and we'd put all personal issues on hold. We agreed, didn't we? 499 00:31:04,259 --> 00:31:06,343 - Yeah. - Then unlock the bloody door. 500 00:31:06,428 --> 00:31:08,846 - How would I see the kids? - You'd come to Newcastle. 501 00:31:08,930 --> 00:31:10,431 - What? - A few hours on the train. 502 00:31:10,515 --> 00:31:12,766 - Four hours at least. - Three hours 12 minutes. 503 00:31:12,892 --> 00:31:15,394 - Nearly seven hours there and back. - Will you let me out? 504 00:31:15,478 --> 00:31:17,604 - Every weekend, seven hours? - I'd like to leave, please. 505 00:31:17,689 --> 00:31:20,274 Weekends would be much worse, they do engineering work. 506 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,484 I'd spend my life on a bus replacement service. 507 00:31:22,569 --> 00:31:24,695 - Let me out. - You're doing this out of revenge. 508 00:31:24,779 --> 00:31:27,823 Either behave in a mature and adult way 509 00:31:27,907 --> 00:31:30,451 or I scream "rape" out of this window. 510 00:31:30,535 --> 00:31:33,620 Oh, not that again. 511 00:31:34,414 --> 00:31:36,999 Why did you pull the horns off your helmet? 512 00:31:37,083 --> 00:31:39,209 Cos it's historically incorrect. 513 00:31:39,294 --> 00:31:41,253 Cos Viking helmets didn't have horns. 514 00:31:41,337 --> 00:31:44,798 Ah, but they didn't have two holes in them there and there, did they? 515 00:31:44,924 --> 00:31:47,092 They did if they fell off a cliff onto a stag. 516 00:31:47,177 --> 00:31:48,510 I never thought of that. 517 00:31:48,595 --> 00:31:50,095 What if somebody threw a spear? 518 00:31:50,180 --> 00:31:53,182 It could have gone through the side and out the other side. 519 00:31:53,266 --> 00:31:56,435 But that would hit the helmet though, wouldn't it? 520 00:31:57,771 --> 00:31:59,730 You know, my favourite Norse god is Odin. 521 00:31:59,814 --> 00:32:01,356 Is it? Why's that? 522 00:32:01,441 --> 00:32:06,653 Because he's got these, erm, ravens called Memory and something else. 523 00:32:06,738 --> 00:32:07,780 What did they do? 524 00:32:09,532 --> 00:32:12,117 - They're ravens. - And that's a job, is it? 525 00:32:12,202 --> 00:32:13,827 - They're really dangerous. - Ooh. 526 00:32:13,953 --> 00:32:16,288 - I pray to him sometimes. - You pray to Odin? 527 00:32:16,372 --> 00:32:20,125 Yeah. He roams the world testing people's hospitality. 528 00:32:21,002 --> 00:32:24,338 Well, in the mortal world, we have a word for that. "Scrounging." 529 00:32:32,138 --> 00:32:34,139 Happy 75th birthday. 530 00:32:41,106 --> 00:32:42,773 They're fine. 531 00:32:42,857 --> 00:32:45,692 And they don't live in different houses by the way. 532 00:33:00,208 --> 00:33:03,168 I'll be running, er, well, all the important stuff. 533 00:33:03,253 --> 00:33:06,338 Margaret, I've got you on the flowers, the food, 534 00:33:06,422 --> 00:33:09,383 the signage and the cloakroom. Er, and the taxis. 535 00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:15,389 And the photographer. Doug, I need you to set up the marquee for the band. 536 00:33:15,515 --> 00:33:17,307 Hello. And set up the tables. 537 00:33:17,392 --> 00:33:20,602 Kenneth is on parking and conage. 538 00:33:20,687 --> 00:33:22,729 I'm going to West Beach with Dad and the kids. 539 00:33:22,814 --> 00:33:26,316 I think not. 214 guests we've got coming. 540 00:33:26,401 --> 00:33:28,569 - 214? - 215. 541 00:33:28,653 --> 00:33:30,477 Patsy Cameron found a man on the internet. 542 00:33:30,503 --> 00:33:31,096 Too late. 543 00:33:31,156 --> 00:33:33,532 Although Jimmy Cazerotto's stuck in New Zealand. 544 00:33:33,616 --> 00:33:35,826 - Dad can't manage the kids. - I'm not senile. 545 00:33:35,910 --> 00:33:39,037 No, but what if... Mickey, put the puppy back. 546 00:33:39,122 --> 00:33:43,542 - Dad, it is your birthday... - And this is how I'd like to spend it. 547 00:33:43,626 --> 00:33:46,086 And we don't want to upset him. Do we? 548 00:33:46,171 --> 00:33:49,840 - We'll be back by seven. - Well, no, you need to be back bef... 549 00:33:49,924 --> 00:33:52,259 So that's agreed then. I'll take my mobile. 550 00:33:52,343 --> 00:33:53,760 - Come on, kids. - Yes! 551 00:33:53,845 --> 00:33:55,137 But, Dad...! 552 00:33:57,056 --> 00:33:59,933 Gordie, are you sure you're up... for this? 553 00:34:00,059 --> 00:34:02,769 It's... Margaret said your medications make you feel... 554 00:34:02,854 --> 00:34:04,980 I'm giving the medications a rest today. 555 00:34:05,064 --> 00:34:06,356 Oh, well, is that a good... 556 00:34:06,441 --> 00:34:09,067 No need to worry, I've carried out a risk assessment. 557 00:34:10,612 --> 00:34:12,988 No, I haven't. It's a joke. 558 00:34:14,866 --> 00:34:16,700 Remember jokes? 559 00:34:37,305 --> 00:34:39,097 Hey! 560 00:34:41,643 --> 00:34:45,687 Are you not stopping to say hello, you miserable old bastard? 561 00:34:45,772 --> 00:34:48,273 Jesus, Doreen, can you not mind your language? 562 00:34:48,358 --> 00:34:49,566 They're only weans. 563 00:34:49,651 --> 00:34:50,984 She's got animals! 564 00:34:51,110 --> 00:34:52,945 What's the matter with you? 565 00:34:54,155 --> 00:34:56,448 I'm just saying go easy on the swearing. 566 00:34:56,532 --> 00:34:58,992 They're from London, everybody swears in London. 567 00:34:59,118 --> 00:35:01,745 Mum and Dad swear all the time. 568 00:35:01,829 --> 00:35:04,456 - Well, maybe so, but... - Mum used the c-word. 569 00:35:04,540 --> 00:35:07,251 - And the other ones. - OK, but... 570 00:35:07,335 --> 00:35:13,548 "Tell that to your poxy effing c-word of a solicitor, you effing b-word." 571 00:35:15,343 --> 00:35:17,552 She thought I was in the garden 572 00:35:17,637 --> 00:35:20,973 but I was in the toilet peeing very quietly 573 00:35:21,057 --> 00:35:24,726 by aiming for the side of the toilet but not the water. 574 00:35:27,397 --> 00:35:28,647 Though I did miss a bit. 575 00:35:29,399 --> 00:35:31,358 - Right. - She's got goats! 576 00:35:31,442 --> 00:35:33,068 I'm coming! 577 00:35:35,154 --> 00:35:36,238 And pigs! 578 00:35:41,744 --> 00:35:43,328 I wonder what's in here. 579 00:35:45,248 --> 00:35:47,874 - Shall we have a look? - Whoa, look at the size of him! 580 00:35:47,959 --> 00:35:51,586 - They're like massive chickens. - They look like meerkats. 581 00:35:51,671 --> 00:35:55,590 Only with no arms. 582 00:35:55,675 --> 00:35:58,051 I'm gonna race one. 583 00:35:58,177 --> 00:36:00,929 You've got an escapee charging about like a loony 584 00:36:01,014 --> 00:36:03,181 - down by the burn. - That'll be Wiggins. 585 00:36:04,892 --> 00:36:08,103 - How are you feeling today? - Oh, I'm fine. 586 00:36:08,187 --> 00:36:09,604 It's one of my good days. 587 00:36:10,481 --> 00:36:13,317 You are such a crap actor. 588 00:36:13,401 --> 00:36:20,407 Come on! Call yourselves ostriches? I'm a lion! Come on! Race me! 589 00:36:20,491 --> 00:36:24,619 So this came out of a ostrich's bottom? 590 00:36:24,704 --> 00:36:26,413 That's why they're so bad tempered. 591 00:36:26,497 --> 00:36:29,708 Could you get an ostrich egg and push it back up its bottom? 592 00:36:30,418 --> 00:36:31,793 No, I don't think so. 593 00:36:31,878 --> 00:36:34,629 Because you'd have to hold the ostrich still 594 00:36:34,714 --> 00:36:36,882 and nobody's gonna volunteer for that. 595 00:36:36,966 --> 00:36:39,718 I reckon you could get it halfway up the crack. 596 00:36:39,802 --> 00:36:40,844 You could push it up. 597 00:36:40,928 --> 00:36:43,805 If you caught it halfway, you think you could push it back up? 598 00:36:43,890 --> 00:36:45,932 - Yeah. - Next time one's going to lay, 599 00:36:46,017 --> 00:36:48,852 - I'll get in touch with you. - One little push like... 600 00:36:48,936 --> 00:36:52,272 - Like a volleyball. - Right. 601 00:36:53,024 --> 00:36:57,235 Look, I know your mum and dad are going through a difficult time. 602 00:36:57,320 --> 00:36:59,738 So you know what's happening to them? 603 00:36:59,822 --> 00:37:02,991 - I put two and two together. - So you know they're getting divorced? 604 00:37:05,244 --> 00:37:08,497 Well, no, I didn't know that. 605 00:37:10,375 --> 00:37:16,380 Look, Lottie, people sometimes change but they still love you, both of them. 606 00:37:16,464 --> 00:37:19,174 You'll see. They'll muddle through this eventually. 607 00:37:19,258 --> 00:37:22,177 - Dad had an affair. - Right, er... 608 00:37:22,261 --> 00:37:25,180 With a Paralympic athlete lady with one foot. 609 00:37:25,264 --> 00:37:28,183 I probably don't need to know all the details. 610 00:37:29,519 --> 00:37:31,239 Do you look after the ostriches on your own? 611 00:37:31,312 --> 00:37:33,730 - No, Morag helps me. - Who's Morag? 612 00:37:33,815 --> 00:37:36,149 - She's my girlfriend. - Oh, for goodness' sake! 613 00:37:36,275 --> 00:37:38,110 - What? - You could have said "friend". 614 00:37:38,194 --> 00:37:41,363 Girlfriend? Boys have girlfriends. 615 00:37:41,447 --> 00:37:43,323 Now we have to explain the whole thing. 616 00:37:43,408 --> 00:37:46,451 Fine, I'll explain. 617 00:37:47,495 --> 00:37:50,872 - Do you know what a lesbian is? - Is it someone from Lesbia? 618 00:37:50,957 --> 00:37:55,877 That's right, Mickey. I am from the magical kingdom of Lesbia. 619 00:37:55,962 --> 00:37:58,880 You're just gonna confuse them even more! 620 00:37:58,965 --> 00:38:03,969 Margaret! There's a wrong apostrophe on the toilet signage! 621 00:38:05,555 --> 00:38:09,391 - What the hell? Newcastle. - It's a vibrant, growing city 622 00:38:09,475 --> 00:38:14,104 - with a great... public transport hub. - But it's hundreds of miles... 623 00:38:14,188 --> 00:38:16,314 The Tyne is the best salmon river in Britain 624 00:38:16,399 --> 00:38:18,483 and otters have been seen in Gateshead. 625 00:38:18,526 --> 00:38:20,569 - Abi, listen. - There's lots of castles. 626 00:38:20,653 --> 00:38:23,488 - Eh? - Around Newcastle. Kids love castles. 627 00:38:23,573 --> 00:38:26,533 Bamburgh Castle, Dunstanburgh, Alnwick, Holy Island. 628 00:38:26,659 --> 00:38:28,869 Is this job with the Newcastle tourist board? 629 00:38:28,953 --> 00:38:32,706 - I'm just saying, it's... - Abi, please. 630 00:38:32,832 --> 00:38:34,541 Please. Don't take them away. 631 00:38:38,045 --> 00:38:40,464 Margaret needs this heather. 632 00:38:41,716 --> 00:38:43,550 Margaret? 633 00:38:43,634 --> 00:38:45,177 Margaret! 634 00:38:58,274 --> 00:39:00,442 Granddad, your mobile's turned off. 635 00:39:00,526 --> 00:39:02,319 Aye, that's the way I like it. 636 00:39:02,403 --> 00:39:06,531 And the batteries are dead, just to make sure. 637 00:39:07,408 --> 00:39:10,285 Oh, just look at that. Look at it. 638 00:39:15,666 --> 00:39:18,168 Bless you. 639 00:39:18,252 --> 00:39:20,629 Lovely manners. 640 00:39:20,713 --> 00:39:22,464 Can we drive for a bit? 641 00:39:22,548 --> 00:39:25,217 - Don't be stupid. Kids can't... - Yes, you can drive. 642 00:39:25,301 --> 00:39:26,551 Mickey, toot the horn. 643 00:39:26,636 --> 00:39:29,054 Jess, you're the look-out. 644 00:39:29,138 --> 00:39:31,515 Stick your head out and shout, "Look out!" 645 00:39:31,599 --> 00:39:34,518 - Look out! - Lottie, you steer. 646 00:39:34,602 --> 00:39:37,729 What? But I... I can't... 647 00:39:37,813 --> 00:39:42,734 When I press this pedal on the floor that makes it go, then it's down to you. 648 00:39:42,818 --> 00:39:45,487 What? But I... 649 00:39:45,571 --> 00:39:47,614 Left a bit. Left a bit. 650 00:39:47,698 --> 00:39:50,116 But it's not allowed. I'm ten, I'm not insured. 651 00:39:50,201 --> 00:39:52,410 I don't care. 652 00:39:52,495 --> 00:39:54,955 That's good. Left, left. That's lovely. 653 00:39:56,707 --> 00:40:00,001 - I don't think that... - You need to live more and think less. 654 00:40:00,086 --> 00:40:03,964 - More right, more right! Oh! - Lottie! 655 00:40:04,048 --> 00:40:06,591 Well done! I've been trying to hit that for years. 656 00:40:06,676 --> 00:40:10,345 - What did it say? - It said "Do not let children drive". 657 00:40:10,429 --> 00:40:13,306 ♪ Oh, Mother, can I go out to swim? 658 00:40:13,432 --> 00:40:15,433 ♪ Yes, my darling daughter 659 00:40:15,518 --> 00:40:17,602 ♪ Watch the boys don't see your bum 660 00:40:17,687 --> 00:40:19,688 ♪ Keep it well under the water 661 00:40:19,772 --> 00:40:22,065 ♪ Mother, can I go out to swim? 662 00:40:22,149 --> 00:40:24,067 ♪ Yes, my darling daughter 663 00:40:24,151 --> 00:40:26,361 ♪ Watch the boys don't see your bum 664 00:40:26,445 --> 00:40:28,572 ♪ Keep it well under the water 665 00:40:28,656 --> 00:40:30,699 ♪ Watch the boys don't see your bum 666 00:40:30,783 --> 00:40:32,576 ♪ Keep it well under the water ♪ 667 00:40:32,660 --> 00:40:33,827 Yay! 668 00:40:34,453 --> 00:40:35,453 Whoo-hoo! 669 00:40:35,538 --> 00:40:38,164 We might see a killer whale. 670 00:41:01,606 --> 00:41:03,607 Don't go on those rocks! 671 00:41:06,611 --> 00:41:09,529 I found a pebble! 672 00:41:24,003 --> 00:41:26,004 Is it nice being a lesbian? 673 00:41:27,506 --> 00:41:29,132 What the hell are you asking me for? 674 00:41:29,216 --> 00:41:32,594 I suppose it must be, otherwise they wouldn't be one, would they? 675 00:41:35,056 --> 00:41:37,557 How do people know what they are? 676 00:41:37,642 --> 00:41:39,726 Well, they just kind of find out. 677 00:41:39,810 --> 00:41:43,938 We all find out eventually what we are. Then the world has to lump it. 678 00:41:45,775 --> 00:41:48,068 Can lesbians make babies? 679 00:41:48,152 --> 00:41:50,654 Er... Well, er... 680 00:41:50,738 --> 00:41:53,490 Why don't you nip over there and get some wood for the fire 681 00:41:53,574 --> 00:41:57,494 - at the old Viking burial mound? - That's a Viking burial mound? 682 00:41:57,578 --> 00:41:58,953 Yeah. So they say. 683 00:42:00,289 --> 00:42:02,248 That's where I found the brooch. 684 00:42:10,966 --> 00:42:12,801 Are you OK, Granddad? 685 00:42:12,885 --> 00:42:15,345 Aye, indigestion, princess. 686 00:42:16,305 --> 00:42:18,682 I've had it all my life. Don't chew enough. 687 00:42:18,766 --> 00:42:22,060 Granddad! I've lost my pebble. 688 00:42:23,854 --> 00:42:25,772 Right. 689 00:42:29,402 --> 00:42:33,488 I'll race you! Look out for jellyfish. 690 00:42:38,077 --> 00:42:41,162 - Is this official? - Is what official? 691 00:42:41,247 --> 00:42:43,665 What it says on this rock. 692 00:42:43,749 --> 00:42:47,252 "Keep off. F and G's beach." 693 00:42:47,336 --> 00:42:49,671 Oh, God. 694 00:42:49,755 --> 00:42:51,756 I carved that. 695 00:42:51,841 --> 00:42:56,219 Well, I helped. Actually I didn't do all that much, I was only small. 696 00:42:56,303 --> 00:42:59,848 - Frazer did most of it. - Who's Frazer? 697 00:42:59,932 --> 00:43:02,016 He was my big brother. He died in the war. 698 00:43:02,101 --> 00:43:03,268 In Afghanistan? 699 00:43:03,352 --> 00:43:06,187 No, he was fighting a very stupid man called Hitler 700 00:43:06,272 --> 00:43:08,398 who wanted to take everybody's land. 701 00:43:08,482 --> 00:43:13,069 - Like Monopoly? - Aye, just like Monopoly. 702 00:43:13,154 --> 00:43:14,738 Except with more screaming. 703 00:43:14,822 --> 00:43:17,615 Anyway, Frazer used to bring me here, 704 00:43:17,700 --> 00:43:19,743 - taught me how to swim. - How did he die? 705 00:43:19,827 --> 00:43:21,494 Someone made a terrible mistake. 706 00:43:21,620 --> 00:43:24,122 A pilot thought Frazer's platoon were Germans. 707 00:43:24,206 --> 00:43:25,623 Where's he buried? 708 00:43:25,708 --> 00:43:28,293 He isn't buried anywhere. 709 00:43:28,377 --> 00:43:30,378 I know about dying. 710 00:43:30,463 --> 00:43:31,880 Right. 711 00:43:31,964 --> 00:43:37,761 Cos of Bambi's mum and Babar's dad and Simba's dad and Nigel. 712 00:43:39,013 --> 00:43:42,640 - Our next-door neighbour. - I don't think this is my pebble. 713 00:43:42,725 --> 00:43:45,185 Oh, it definitely is. I'd recognise it anywhere. 714 00:43:45,269 --> 00:43:48,188 Let's go, little beavers! More driftwood. 715 00:43:53,402 --> 00:43:57,614 - Can we bury you, Granddad? - Oh, no, that sand gets everywhere. 716 00:43:57,698 --> 00:44:00,116 I definitely don't want to be buried, thank you. 717 00:44:00,201 --> 00:44:02,368 - Not even when you die? - Jess! 718 00:44:02,453 --> 00:44:04,788 Well, that's what happens when someone dies. 719 00:44:04,872 --> 00:44:07,707 You bury them and then everyone eats cake. 720 00:44:07,792 --> 00:44:11,127 - That's right, isn't it, Granddad? - Absolutely, sweetheart. 721 00:44:11,212 --> 00:44:13,755 I've never seen the point of funerals myself. 722 00:44:13,839 --> 00:44:16,174 Nice people all standing around in the kirk 723 00:44:16,258 --> 00:44:19,761 while the priest tells a pack of lies about what a great man you were. 724 00:44:19,845 --> 00:44:22,597 Nah, put me out with the recycling. 725 00:44:22,681 --> 00:44:25,809 Purple bin, isn't it, for plastics and dead granddads? 726 00:44:26,393 --> 00:44:30,522 Oh, come on, it's only a joke. 727 00:44:30,606 --> 00:44:33,691 No, if I had to choose a kind of funeral, 728 00:44:33,776 --> 00:44:36,736 just give me a good old Viking funeral, like my ancestors. 729 00:44:37,530 --> 00:44:41,407 Just stick me on a burning boat and float me out to sea. 730 00:44:41,492 --> 00:44:45,995 No stupid family fights, no stupid rows about who gets what 731 00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:51,209 or who does what. Just a warrior's farewell. 732 00:44:51,293 --> 00:44:54,337 Can we go out and catch some fish to cook it? 733 00:44:54,421 --> 00:44:57,257 Yeah, get some crabs while you're there. 734 00:44:58,008 --> 00:45:00,426 There are sandwiches in the pick-up, aren't there? 735 00:45:00,511 --> 00:45:03,638 Yeah, but you can't hunt sandwiches, can you? 736 00:45:03,722 --> 00:45:05,974 The water won't be cold, will it, Granddad? 737 00:45:06,058 --> 00:45:08,059 Course not, it's only the North Atlantic. 738 00:45:08,143 --> 00:45:09,811 Why on Earth would it be cold? 739 00:45:13,107 --> 00:45:15,984 It's freezing! 740 00:45:18,988 --> 00:45:20,864 You lied to us! 741 00:45:27,746 --> 00:45:30,081 Look, you've got to pat it down like this. 742 00:45:30,165 --> 00:45:34,544 - I'm decorating it. - That's after. 743 00:45:34,628 --> 00:45:36,212 Are you OK back there? 744 00:45:36,297 --> 00:45:40,091 Aye, I'm grand, apart from the sand up my arse. 745 00:45:41,093 --> 00:45:44,262 Oh, look. Look up there, it's the osprey. 746 00:45:44,346 --> 00:45:47,015 Oh, look at that. 747 00:45:47,099 --> 00:45:48,641 It's just a bird. 748 00:45:48,767 --> 00:45:50,727 17 years she's been coming back. 749 00:45:50,811 --> 00:45:52,520 Flown all the way from Africa. 750 00:45:52,605 --> 00:45:58,151 You can't really lay a egg in Africa cos you'll get a fried egg. 751 00:45:58,277 --> 00:46:01,529 - How far is Africa? - About eight million miles away. 752 00:46:01,614 --> 00:46:04,324 That's rubbish, isn't it, Granddad? 753 00:46:08,120 --> 00:46:09,829 Hey, Granddad. 754 00:46:09,914 --> 00:46:12,373 Perhaps he's asleep. 755 00:46:16,128 --> 00:46:17,545 Granddad? 756 00:46:24,803 --> 00:46:26,387 Granddad? 757 00:46:26,472 --> 00:46:29,349 Granddad! That wasn't funny! 758 00:46:30,976 --> 00:46:33,186 - Well, it was quite funny. - No, it wasn't. 759 00:46:33,312 --> 00:46:35,605 It was funnier than monkeys! 760 00:46:40,861 --> 00:46:42,362 Mum and Dad lie so much. 761 00:46:42,446 --> 00:46:44,906 I just don't trust them any more. 762 00:46:45,616 --> 00:46:48,701 They make me so angry. 763 00:46:48,744 --> 00:46:51,579 Well, I used to feel like that about my lot, too. 764 00:46:51,705 --> 00:46:53,039 Until I suddenly realised 765 00:46:53,082 --> 00:46:55,708 there was no point in being angry with people I loved 766 00:46:55,751 --> 00:46:57,043 for being what they are. 767 00:46:57,127 --> 00:47:01,214 I mean, so what if your dad is a complete and utter bloody shambles? 768 00:47:01,966 --> 00:47:05,551 Or your Uncle Gavin's a bit of a tight-arse? 769 00:47:05,636 --> 00:47:08,930 All that social climbing! He can't help himself 770 00:47:09,056 --> 00:47:14,227 any more than his wife can help being scared of her own shadow 771 00:47:14,269 --> 00:47:16,437 or your mum can help being a bit mouthy. 772 00:47:17,481 --> 00:47:20,441 The truth is, every human being on this planet 773 00:47:20,567 --> 00:47:23,236 is ridiculous in their own way. 774 00:47:24,321 --> 00:47:26,572 So we shouldn't judge and we shouldn't fight, 775 00:47:26,615 --> 00:47:28,741 because in the end... 776 00:47:30,411 --> 00:47:33,246 In the end, 777 00:47:33,330 --> 00:47:37,417 none of it matters, none of this stuff. 778 00:47:39,253 --> 00:47:41,963 Lottie, this shell's got legs! 779 00:47:42,089 --> 00:47:44,757 It's OK, it'll be a hermit crab. 780 00:48:17,666 --> 00:48:21,794 Frazer? What are you doing here? 781 00:48:24,173 --> 00:48:28,051 Oh... I get it. 782 00:48:28,177 --> 00:48:30,970 Are you coming in for a swim, you big Mary? 783 00:48:57,498 --> 00:49:00,041 Hey, Granddad, can we cook this crab? 784 00:49:00,167 --> 00:49:04,420 Or will it be unfair on the beach? I can put it back if you want or... 785 00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:10,843 Oh, Granddad. Stop mucking around. 786 00:49:10,886 --> 00:49:13,221 I'm not falling for that again. 787 00:49:27,194 --> 00:49:31,405 Lottie! There's something not right with Granddad. 788 00:49:33,283 --> 00:49:35,576 Oh, he's just doing that stupid joke again. 789 00:49:35,702 --> 00:49:37,370 Come on, Granddad. 790 00:49:43,043 --> 00:49:44,085 Granddad? 791 00:49:45,754 --> 00:49:47,296 Granddad. 792 00:49:48,298 --> 00:49:50,049 Granddad? 793 00:49:52,052 --> 00:49:53,261 I think he might be dead. 794 00:50:04,731 --> 00:50:05,940 He's not breathing. 795 00:50:07,985 --> 00:50:10,278 I'm gonna check his pulse. 796 00:50:12,072 --> 00:50:13,906 They taught us this in Brownies. 797 00:50:32,843 --> 00:50:34,260 Granddad's got no pulse 798 00:50:34,303 --> 00:50:38,764 and we better get back to tell everyone he's died. 799 00:50:38,807 --> 00:50:43,519 Such bad luck. Dying just before your birthday party. 800 00:50:43,604 --> 00:50:46,772 Come on. The grown-ups will know what to do. 801 00:50:46,815 --> 00:50:48,858 - They'll just argue. - Hey? 802 00:50:48,942 --> 00:50:52,028 They'll argue and fight, like Granddad said. 803 00:50:53,447 --> 00:50:55,698 And he said he didn't want that. 804 00:50:55,824 --> 00:51:01,495 If we leave him, he might get eaten by badgers and seals and puffins. 805 00:51:01,580 --> 00:51:05,333 You go back, Lottie. We'll stay here and guard Granddad. 806 00:51:05,459 --> 00:51:07,460 You're sure you'll be OK with that? 807 00:51:07,502 --> 00:51:09,629 Well, that's very brave and grown-up of you. 808 00:51:09,713 --> 00:51:12,465 Do you think it'll be all right if I can have the Swiss roll? 809 00:51:12,507 --> 00:51:14,008 I think that'll be all right. 810 00:51:14,134 --> 00:51:17,553 We won't eat Granddad's, just in case. 811 00:51:17,638 --> 00:51:20,723 I won't be long! Be sensible! 812 00:51:41,662 --> 00:51:46,540 I read in a newspaper article that said when people had stopped breathing, 813 00:51:46,667 --> 00:51:49,502 when people's heart stopped, they die 814 00:51:49,586 --> 00:51:54,048 and then when they die, they felt themselves leave their bodies 815 00:51:54,174 --> 00:51:58,386 and they find themselves hovering their own bodies 816 00:51:58,512 --> 00:52:01,264 and looking down on people. 817 00:52:17,698 --> 00:52:19,907 You said it'd be a small family gathering. 818 00:52:20,033 --> 00:52:22,702 - It's more like Glastonbury. - Don't exaggerate. 819 00:52:22,744 --> 00:52:26,372 - Parading Dad. "Meet my dad..." - Dad knows these people, OK? 820 00:52:26,415 --> 00:52:28,791 - You should give him what he wants. - He's very ill. 821 00:52:28,917 --> 00:52:31,877 He doesn't know what he wants. We have to make decisions for him. 822 00:52:31,962 --> 00:52:34,046 But you wouldn't know about that, would you? 823 00:52:34,131 --> 00:52:36,048 - Cos you're never here. - Oh... 824 00:52:36,133 --> 00:52:40,428 This is going to be a reasonable-sized gathering to celebrate Dad's life. 825 00:52:40,554 --> 00:52:43,806 Where have you booked for the funeral? Westminster Abbey? The O2 Arena? 826 00:52:43,932 --> 00:52:46,309 - Shh! Yeah, Leon, I'm just... - Who's that? 827 00:52:46,435 --> 00:52:49,228 Oh, Leon? Geordie Leon? My kids' new dad? 828 00:52:49,271 --> 00:52:52,231 - Oh! Hello, Leon! - You pathetic child! 829 00:52:52,316 --> 00:52:54,734 - Mum... - Leon is my new boss. 830 00:52:54,776 --> 00:52:56,736 The man I'm screwing is called Wallace. 831 00:52:58,822 --> 00:53:01,282 Wallace? Do the kids know? 832 00:53:01,408 --> 00:53:04,452 - I'll tell them when it's time. - Does he have a dog called Gromit? 833 00:53:04,578 --> 00:53:06,287 Here come the stupid jokes. 834 00:53:59,049 --> 00:54:02,134 - She ate Granddad's Swiss roll. - I didn't mean to! 835 00:54:02,177 --> 00:54:04,178 - It was a accident. - It wasn't an accident. 836 00:54:04,304 --> 00:54:07,223 - It doesn't matter. - Where are the grown-ups? 837 00:54:07,307 --> 00:54:09,975 Fighting. Mickey was right. 838 00:54:10,060 --> 00:54:12,645 They can't be trusted to do what Granddad wanted. 839 00:54:12,729 --> 00:54:14,563 So we're gonna do it. 840 00:54:14,648 --> 00:54:16,982 We're gonna give him the funeral he wanted. 841 00:54:17,025 --> 00:54:18,901 - A Viking one? - Yeah. 842 00:54:19,027 --> 00:54:21,529 - Cool. - Where will we find a Viking boat? 843 00:54:23,156 --> 00:54:24,865 There's one in York. 844 00:54:24,991 --> 00:54:27,660 But I'm not sure the museum will lend it to us 845 00:54:27,702 --> 00:54:29,829 if we tell them we're gonna burn it. 846 00:54:29,913 --> 00:54:32,665 Right, now listen, we've all got to work together. 847 00:54:32,707 --> 00:54:35,584 - This is our present to Granddad. - Shotgun the matches! 848 00:54:41,675 --> 00:54:42,716 Margaret! 849 00:54:51,059 --> 00:54:53,519 That's drop-off point B. Turn around. 850 00:54:58,608 --> 00:55:01,569 So it won't be a proper Viking longboat then? 851 00:55:01,695 --> 00:55:03,863 - No, it'll be a raft. - How are we gonna move it? 852 00:55:03,905 --> 00:55:05,906 We'll put it in Granddad's car. 853 00:55:06,032 --> 00:55:08,701 - But we can't drive. - Yes, we can. 854 00:55:12,873 --> 00:55:16,125 Mickey, you push the pedal and I'll do the wheel. 855 00:55:19,838 --> 00:55:21,797 I think we need to do something with this. 856 00:55:21,882 --> 00:55:24,133 Which one should I do? One, two, three or R? 857 00:55:24,217 --> 00:55:27,553 - One. - I think we should go with R 858 00:55:27,596 --> 00:55:30,890 because we want the car to go... 859 00:55:30,974 --> 00:55:35,519 I'm gonna do one. Do you think we'll get into trouble for this? 860 00:55:35,604 --> 00:55:37,730 The grown-ups might be annoyed at first, 861 00:55:37,772 --> 00:55:40,232 but once we tell them this is what Granddad wanted... 862 00:55:40,317 --> 00:55:42,902 Do the pedal again! 863 00:55:47,741 --> 00:55:50,451 The car sounds a bit annoyed! 864 00:55:50,577 --> 00:55:53,454 - How's that? - Do I do left or right? 865 00:55:53,580 --> 00:55:55,998 Right. No! 866 00:55:57,000 --> 00:56:00,294 I'm not wearing a seat belt! 867 00:56:02,589 --> 00:56:04,632 A bit more. Turn a bit harder. 868 00:56:05,842 --> 00:56:08,010 Is that better? 869 00:56:12,682 --> 00:56:15,100 How are we going to get that in the back? 870 00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:19,188 I've used every knot I know back there. 871 00:56:19,272 --> 00:56:21,315 Granddad said the tide's coming in, 872 00:56:21,441 --> 00:56:23,484 so if we leave the car at the edge of the sea... 873 00:56:23,610 --> 00:56:26,028 Whoa! This is bumpy! 874 00:56:27,155 --> 00:56:29,782 Jess, shout when it's at the edge. 875 00:56:31,493 --> 00:56:33,118 Edge! 876 00:56:36,665 --> 00:56:38,374 - Oh, for God's sake! - Yay! We did it! 877 00:56:38,458 --> 00:56:43,420 - Do you think we should lock it? - Yes, we don't want it getting stolen. 878 00:56:45,465 --> 00:56:47,633 To be a proper Viking funeral, 879 00:56:47,676 --> 00:56:51,512 it's crucial that you need to take his favourite things to heaven. 880 00:56:51,638 --> 00:56:52,888 I thought of that. 881 00:56:56,518 --> 00:56:59,144 Oh, his Scotland shirt. Brilliant! 882 00:57:03,233 --> 00:57:06,235 - Granddad! He's alive! - Granddad! 883 00:57:06,319 --> 00:57:08,571 Wake up! Come on, Granddad! 884 00:57:08,697 --> 00:57:10,990 Wake up, Granddad! 885 00:57:11,074 --> 00:57:13,242 Granddad. 886 00:57:14,661 --> 00:57:15,911 Come on. 887 00:57:21,001 --> 00:57:22,209 He's cold. 888 00:57:25,380 --> 00:57:28,173 I think people do farts after they're dead. 889 00:57:28,717 --> 00:57:34,346 I saw it on this programme called The Real Silent Witness. 890 00:57:34,431 --> 00:57:38,851 - This woman said so. - Are you sure? 891 00:57:38,893 --> 00:57:44,356 She was wearing a white coat. She said dead people are full of gas. 892 00:57:47,360 --> 00:57:49,403 I'm scared. 893 00:57:51,031 --> 00:57:54,241 It's OK. It's only Granddad. 894 00:57:56,953 --> 00:58:01,206 He sort of died in battle cos he was fighting cancer, 895 00:58:01,291 --> 00:58:03,292 so we'll give him a warrior's funeral. 896 00:58:40,080 --> 00:58:42,915 I didn't think this would work. 897 00:58:42,957 --> 00:58:46,752 Well, it works at Stonehenge. Druids moved huge rocks. 898 00:58:46,795 --> 00:58:50,923 Not granddads. So well done, my brain. 899 00:58:51,841 --> 00:58:54,093 I so can't wait to go back to school 900 00:58:54,177 --> 00:58:58,097 when we get to write about what I did on our half term. 901 00:58:58,181 --> 00:59:01,517 But I bet Shona's done something more interesting 902 00:59:01,601 --> 00:59:02,810 like she always has. 903 00:59:26,960 --> 00:59:28,627 Goodbye. 904 00:59:29,546 --> 00:59:30,963 You were nice. 905 00:59:34,843 --> 00:59:37,052 Please accept my pebble. 906 00:59:56,698 --> 01:00:00,826 We are gathered here, to remember Gordie McLeod. 907 01:00:01,995 --> 01:00:03,746 I'm sorry you died, Granddad. 908 01:00:06,666 --> 01:00:09,084 I liked having someone to talk to. 909 01:00:12,589 --> 01:00:15,340 Have a good Valhalla. 910 01:00:16,092 --> 01:00:17,092 Amen. 911 01:00:51,211 --> 01:00:53,629 He'd be so proud of us. 912 01:01:25,537 --> 01:01:27,913 We can do folk rock, we can do country, 913 01:01:27,956 --> 01:01:30,833 we can do country folk rock, indie folk rock. 914 01:01:32,502 --> 01:01:35,337 Oh, my goodness. Where have you been? 915 01:01:35,421 --> 01:01:37,130 - We need... - I told Granddad seven. 916 01:01:37,215 --> 01:01:39,007 - But... - Oh, you're all mucky. 917 01:01:39,092 --> 01:01:41,218 - Come on, bath time. - But we need... 918 01:01:41,302 --> 01:01:43,512 Did I mention bluegrass? We can do bluegrass. 919 01:01:43,596 --> 01:01:45,639 But not so fast since Billy had his stroke. 920 01:01:45,723 --> 01:01:47,599 Chop chop, the party's starting soon. 921 01:01:47,684 --> 01:01:50,894 - I've laid your clothes out. - Granddad died. 922 01:01:52,355 --> 01:01:53,772 - What? - Granddad died. 923 01:01:53,857 --> 01:01:55,941 Oh, crikey, guys, what time do you call this? 924 01:01:56,025 --> 01:01:58,986 Doug. They're saying Gordie's died. 925 01:01:59,070 --> 01:02:03,407 Hallelujah. At last. So what have you done with your granddad, eh? 926 01:02:03,533 --> 01:02:08,328 - Well... - He died. On the beach. 927 01:02:08,413 --> 01:02:10,289 OK, I'm on it. 928 01:02:10,373 --> 01:02:12,749 - I shouldn't have let him... - It's all right, love. 929 01:02:12,834 --> 01:02:14,877 Yes, ambulance, quickly, please to, erm... 930 01:02:14,961 --> 01:02:17,546 - Lottie, where exactly is Granddad now? - Out at sea. 931 01:02:20,049 --> 01:02:22,759 - Out at sea? - And on fire. 932 01:02:25,555 --> 01:02:29,850 He wanted a Viking funeral, so we built a raft, put the body on it, 933 01:02:29,934 --> 01:02:32,644 set it on fire and floated him out to sea. 934 01:02:34,147 --> 01:02:35,647 Can you hold on a sec? 935 01:02:35,732 --> 01:02:39,318 Lottie. Stop being silly, just tell us, where is Granddad? 936 01:02:39,402 --> 01:02:42,154 Ah, yeah. This is a wind-up. 937 01:02:42,238 --> 01:02:43,822 He's put you up to this, hasn't he? 938 01:02:43,907 --> 01:02:46,241 This is one of Granddad's stupid jokes, isn't it? 939 01:02:46,326 --> 01:02:48,410 Well, he did do it as a joke to pretend to die, 940 01:02:48,494 --> 01:02:51,163 but this time, it's not a joke. 941 01:02:51,998 --> 01:02:55,083 - Hello? - Yes, er, yeah. 942 01:02:55,168 --> 01:02:59,212 We're just getting the details if you could just show us a bit of patience. 943 01:02:59,297 --> 01:03:02,007 I know that you're going to tell me exactly what happened. 944 01:03:02,091 --> 01:03:04,760 Well, I found lots of wood and... 945 01:03:04,844 --> 01:03:07,262 - Er... ...and I found lots of crabs. 946 01:03:07,347 --> 01:03:08,931 - Right... - I lost my rock. 947 01:03:09,015 --> 01:03:12,517 - At the end of the day, I found it. - But what happened to Granddad? 948 01:03:12,602 --> 01:03:17,356 There was a lady with a girlfriend that lived with lots of pigs. 949 01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:19,232 - After the lady. - She sweared a lot. 950 01:03:19,317 --> 01:03:21,902 - Back to Granddad. - It's vital you tell the truth. 951 01:03:21,986 --> 01:03:23,946 - We do tell the truth. - Keep it down. 952 01:03:24,030 --> 01:03:27,115 Nothing to do with the fish or the crab or your stone, sweetie. 953 01:03:27,200 --> 01:03:28,200 Where is Granddad? 954 01:03:28,284 --> 01:03:30,369 If you listen, I'll tell you the story. 955 01:03:30,453 --> 01:03:33,246 - I know, darling, but faster. - So will you listen? 956 01:03:33,331 --> 01:03:34,373 Hm-hmm. 957 01:03:34,457 --> 01:03:36,541 - Grandpa farted. - Oh. 958 01:03:36,626 --> 01:03:40,545 Yes, we do still need an ambulance. And the police. 959 01:03:40,630 --> 01:03:43,507 And possibly the coastguard. 960 01:03:43,633 --> 01:03:47,094 No, we don't need the fire brigade, and I don't appreciate your tone. 961 01:03:47,178 --> 01:03:49,429 Well, he is on fire. 962 01:03:49,514 --> 01:03:52,099 - Quickly now. - I found some fishes. 963 01:03:52,183 --> 01:03:55,560 - Yep, after... - Lottie knocked over some signs. 964 01:03:55,645 --> 01:03:56,770 What happened next? 965 01:03:56,854 --> 01:04:00,482 Yes, it is an emergency, we just don't know what sort of emergency. 966 01:04:00,566 --> 01:04:01,775 And then? 967 01:04:01,859 --> 01:04:04,945 I stopped the crows from eating Grandpa. 968 01:04:05,029 --> 01:04:06,029 OK. 969 01:04:06,155 --> 01:04:08,907 I'm perfectly aware that it is a criminal offence 970 01:04:08,992 --> 01:04:10,534 to make prank calls, but... 971 01:04:11,786 --> 01:04:14,329 She's hung up! 999 has hung up! 972 01:04:14,414 --> 01:04:16,581 Do we still have to have a bath? 973 01:04:16,666 --> 01:04:19,626 - Erm... Er, no. - Yay! 974 01:04:19,711 --> 01:04:23,463 Car keys! Where the bloody hell are the car keys? 975 01:04:23,548 --> 01:04:25,590 We'll take ours. 976 01:04:25,675 --> 01:04:28,301 Okey-dokey. 977 01:04:28,386 --> 01:04:31,513 Now then, I have some very important cake-tasting needs done. 978 01:04:31,597 --> 01:04:34,307 Do I have any volunteers to help me with that? 979 01:05:26,235 --> 01:05:27,861 You stupid...! 980 01:05:33,659 --> 01:05:36,912 - You stupid... - Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin. 981 01:05:36,996 --> 01:05:40,040 Come on. No, no! Whoa, whoa! All right! 982 01:05:40,124 --> 01:05:42,709 All right, all right, it's all right. 983 01:05:42,794 --> 01:05:45,504 It's OK. It's all right. 984 01:06:00,103 --> 01:06:03,396 Two, three, four. 985 01:06:15,451 --> 01:06:19,162 I don't believe this. This is a bloody nightmare. 986 01:06:19,288 --> 01:06:21,748 Sir Donald, glad you could make it. 987 01:06:21,833 --> 01:06:23,333 A bloody total nightmare. 988 01:06:23,417 --> 01:06:26,878 Hughie. Good to see you. 989 01:06:26,963 --> 01:06:29,214 A bloody total nightmare. 990 01:06:29,298 --> 01:06:32,217 - Gavin, language. The children. - Right, yeah. 991 01:06:32,301 --> 01:06:35,220 They can't hear "bloody" but they can set fire to my father. 992 01:06:35,304 --> 01:06:37,597 We didn't hurt him. He was dead. 993 01:06:37,682 --> 01:06:40,475 - Let's hope so. - For Christ's sake. They were... 994 01:06:40,560 --> 01:06:43,645 Someone best break it to the ones who've arrived. 995 01:06:43,729 --> 01:06:46,857 - We just did what Granddad wanted. - He didn't want this. 996 01:06:46,941 --> 01:06:50,152 He wanted to be cremated. Don't say it. I'm looking for someone to punch 997 01:06:50,236 --> 01:06:53,655 - and your children are too small! - Enough! 998 01:06:59,912 --> 01:07:01,246 Odin. 999 01:07:04,375 --> 01:07:07,627 Excuse me. Excuse me! 1000 01:07:12,717 --> 01:07:13,925 Sorry, no photos. 1001 01:07:14,010 --> 01:07:16,344 Thank you all so much for coming. 1002 01:07:16,429 --> 01:07:20,140 Gordie would be pleased to see so many of his friends gathered together. 1003 01:07:21,893 --> 01:07:24,603 Except sadly, 1004 01:07:24,687 --> 01:07:27,480 Gordie can't be pleased because... 1005 01:07:29,567 --> 01:07:32,903 he passed away today. 1006 01:07:34,697 --> 01:07:36,698 We think. 1007 01:07:36,782 --> 01:07:41,286 W-W-We're fairly certain he has. 1008 01:07:44,624 --> 01:07:47,876 Anyway, I know you won't feel like dancing, 1009 01:07:47,960 --> 01:07:52,297 but do please have a drink and make yourselves at home. 1010 01:07:52,381 --> 01:07:55,175 Jimmy Cazerotto? 1011 01:07:55,259 --> 01:07:56,301 Margaret! 1012 01:07:56,385 --> 01:08:01,139 - We thought you were in New Zealand. - Where is the old bastard? Huh? 1013 01:08:03,226 --> 01:08:06,436 - Jimmy, I'm Abi. - What? 1014 01:08:34,257 --> 01:08:37,008 Where's Kenneth? He's supposed to be... 1015 01:08:37,093 --> 01:08:41,513 - Aha! You took your time, Murdo. - It's Andy Mackay's stag night. 1016 01:08:41,597 --> 01:08:43,682 A dwarf got thrown through a window. 1017 01:08:45,226 --> 01:08:48,311 - This is Agnes Chisholm. - From the Child Welfare Unit. 1018 01:08:48,437 --> 01:08:50,814 I'll require a room for interviews. 1019 01:08:50,940 --> 01:08:53,858 I found this child outside. Unaccompanied. 1020 01:08:53,943 --> 01:08:56,361 Yeah, that's my son. 1021 01:08:59,031 --> 01:09:00,073 Thank you. 1022 01:09:00,157 --> 01:09:03,076 Why have they called the police? We've done nothing wrong. 1023 01:09:03,160 --> 01:09:05,120 Please do exactly as I ask. 1024 01:09:05,204 --> 01:09:07,956 There is a procedure for this kind of situation. 1025 01:09:08,958 --> 01:09:11,543 - There is? - Oh, yes. 1026 01:09:11,627 --> 01:09:13,378 So he's at peace. 1027 01:09:13,462 --> 01:09:14,963 At... At peace. 1028 01:09:15,464 --> 01:09:18,466 Can I see him one last time? 1029 01:09:19,677 --> 01:09:22,178 I've come all the way from New Zealand, you know. 1030 01:09:23,973 --> 01:09:26,933 I'm afraid that's not possible, Jimmy. 1031 01:09:27,018 --> 01:09:30,770 It's not... not... possible. 1032 01:09:35,818 --> 01:09:40,405 Sir Donald. Very sorry about this, Sir Donald. 1033 01:09:41,615 --> 01:09:43,033 It's funny, this morning... 1034 01:09:43,117 --> 01:09:49,456 And we think... we think that's what happened 1035 01:09:49,540 --> 01:09:51,791 but obviously, that's... 1036 01:09:51,876 --> 01:09:53,376 That's what? 1037 01:09:55,171 --> 01:09:58,173 Confidential. 1038 01:09:58,924 --> 01:10:03,428 That the kids burnt his body and floated him out to sea? 1039 01:10:13,022 --> 01:10:16,024 Er, yes, well, the kids, erm... 1040 01:10:17,651 --> 01:10:18,902 They're from London. 1041 01:10:20,863 --> 01:10:22,822 So, thank you for that, Jess. 1042 01:10:22,907 --> 01:10:24,240 And if it's OK with you, 1043 01:10:24,325 --> 01:10:28,244 I'll just keep this lovely drawing I asked you to do of the three of you 1044 01:10:28,329 --> 01:10:31,498 setting fire to your grandpa. 1045 01:10:31,582 --> 01:10:35,251 - Do you want to put it on your fridge? - No. That's not... 1046 01:10:35,336 --> 01:10:39,381 There wasn't exactly a unicorn on the beach 1047 01:10:39,465 --> 01:10:41,091 but I just got bored. 1048 01:10:41,175 --> 01:10:43,343 Perhaps we could hang on to the picture. 1049 01:10:43,427 --> 01:10:46,554 It will be returned to you when the investigation's completed. 1050 01:10:46,639 --> 01:10:47,639 Can I go now? 1051 01:10:47,723 --> 01:10:51,267 - I was halfway through a Cheese String. - OK. 1052 01:10:56,399 --> 01:11:01,069 So she holds her breath quite often, does she? 1053 01:11:19,255 --> 01:11:25,093 So, Mickey, the idea for the special funeral, 1054 01:11:25,177 --> 01:11:27,387 - who did that come from? - Odin. 1055 01:11:30,099 --> 01:11:31,099 Odin? 1056 01:11:31,183 --> 01:11:35,019 He walks the Earth with one eye and a big hat and an eight-legged horse 1057 01:11:35,104 --> 01:11:37,856 disguised as a traveller to see if people's nice to him 1058 01:11:37,940 --> 01:11:39,566 and he's here now. 1059 01:11:39,650 --> 01:11:44,863 So, Odin, the Norse god, is currently here 1060 01:11:44,947 --> 01:11:48,032 with an eight-legged horse? 1061 01:11:57,376 --> 01:12:00,503 Ach, sod it, lads. Let's call it a day. 1062 01:12:10,764 --> 01:12:12,432 Kenneth! Kenneth! 1063 01:12:12,516 --> 01:12:14,392 Where the hell is he? 1064 01:12:18,314 --> 01:12:21,274 Is this an effective use of police resources? 1065 01:12:21,358 --> 01:12:24,319 Shouldn't you be out looking for evidence of my father? 1066 01:12:24,403 --> 01:12:26,112 We haven't got a submarine. 1067 01:12:26,197 --> 01:12:29,866 Oh. Jokes is it now? 1068 01:12:30,576 --> 01:12:33,036 Make it bigger! Bigger! 1069 01:12:33,162 --> 01:12:35,163 Don't stress, I'm trying. 1070 01:12:35,247 --> 01:12:36,748 This isn't cats. 1071 01:12:36,832 --> 01:12:38,833 It's something Kenneth's been watching. 1072 01:12:38,918 --> 01:12:42,545 Don't just press buttons at random. 1073 01:12:50,471 --> 01:12:52,305 Is that the YouTube thing? 1074 01:12:53,432 --> 01:12:56,684 I've thought of a joke. A very funny joke. Yeah. 1075 01:12:58,854 --> 01:13:00,939 I make an official complaint 1076 01:13:01,023 --> 01:13:04,609 to your Chief Superintendent who happens to be a friend of mine 1077 01:13:04,693 --> 01:13:10,698 who happens to be in my house right now as a guest, so... 1078 01:13:14,578 --> 01:13:18,456 So, Lottie, when your granddad passed away... 1079 01:13:20,501 --> 01:13:23,253 Ten to four. Approximately. 1080 01:13:24,755 --> 01:13:26,422 That's a pretty wee notebook. 1081 01:13:27,299 --> 01:13:30,218 What sort of things do you put in that? 1082 01:13:30,302 --> 01:13:33,221 Thoughts, facts, information. 1083 01:13:34,348 --> 01:13:35,431 Lies that I get told. 1084 01:13:35,516 --> 01:13:37,809 Could I possibly have a look at that? 1085 01:13:43,566 --> 01:13:45,900 Do you think I could hang on to this for a bit? 1086 01:13:45,985 --> 01:13:49,195 Is that really necessary? Why would... 1087 01:13:49,280 --> 01:13:50,905 Why would you need to hang on to it? 1088 01:13:50,990 --> 01:13:54,033 You're not thinking of... removing us anywhere, are you? 1089 01:13:54,118 --> 01:13:57,912 Don't be silly, darling. This lady's not here to do that. Are you? 1090 01:13:57,997 --> 01:14:00,415 At this stage, I'm just making an assessment. 1091 01:14:07,339 --> 01:14:09,340 What is that? 1092 01:14:09,425 --> 01:14:11,759 God, what is she doing? 1093 01:14:18,350 --> 01:14:20,435 I take it you hadn't seen this, Mr McLeod. 1094 01:14:20,519 --> 01:14:22,020 No charges were brought. 1095 01:14:22,104 --> 01:14:25,940 No, the staff at the mini mart were very good about it. 1096 01:14:26,025 --> 01:14:29,777 Everyone... you know, understood that your wife was, 1097 01:14:29,862 --> 01:14:34,616 you know, adversely affected by her medication. 1098 01:14:34,700 --> 01:14:39,162 - Medication? - Yeah, the anti-depressants. 1099 01:14:39,913 --> 01:14:41,873 For the depression. 1100 01:14:45,544 --> 01:14:47,420 It's not your night, is it? 1101 01:14:50,174 --> 01:14:52,342 Who fancies a dram? 1102 01:14:53,636 --> 01:14:55,011 I'm taking orders. 1103 01:14:55,095 --> 01:14:58,806 I've got Glengoyne or Glenmorangie. 1104 01:15:02,144 --> 01:15:03,519 It's finished. Play it again. 1105 01:15:03,562 --> 01:15:06,230 Oh, for Christ's sake! Kids! 1106 01:15:13,947 --> 01:15:15,114 Everything all right? 1107 01:15:15,199 --> 01:15:19,118 Please don't go anywhere without notifying me, will you? 1108 01:15:30,881 --> 01:15:32,590 Has something happened? 1109 01:15:56,448 --> 01:15:59,534 Why is the knives and forks so loud? 1110 01:15:59,618 --> 01:16:01,035 Oh! 1111 01:16:02,621 --> 01:16:06,374 - Have you ever read Lottie's notebook? - No. Have you? 1112 01:16:06,458 --> 01:16:08,292 No. 1113 01:16:08,377 --> 01:16:10,670 Well, not... not much. 1114 01:16:10,754 --> 01:16:12,588 She writes down everything. 1115 01:16:12,673 --> 01:16:14,549 Hey, sleep OK, sweetheart? 1116 01:16:17,428 --> 01:16:20,847 And now intervention woman's got it. 1117 01:16:20,931 --> 01:16:23,307 - Intervention? - That's the word she keeps using. 1118 01:16:26,603 --> 01:16:28,730 I think maybe we should get a lawyer. 1119 01:16:28,814 --> 01:16:31,941 Another lawyer? They've been great at calming things down. 1120 01:16:32,067 --> 01:16:34,777 The important thing is not to antagonise her. 1121 01:16:34,862 --> 01:16:36,487 - We just need to... - Good morning. 1122 01:16:36,572 --> 01:16:38,364 Morning. 1123 01:16:38,449 --> 01:16:40,700 Jesus, no, no! 1124 01:16:42,119 --> 01:16:44,078 For God's sake, Kenneth! 1125 01:16:47,583 --> 01:16:49,375 How did they find us so fast? 1126 01:16:49,460 --> 01:16:52,128 That'll be that bloody Donny Mackay. 1127 01:16:53,797 --> 01:16:56,340 He'll do anything to fill his bloody guest house. 1128 01:16:58,218 --> 01:16:59,844 Oh, what's the point? 1129 01:16:59,928 --> 01:17:02,346 No one gets to keep any secrets any more. 1130 01:17:02,431 --> 01:17:04,098 Well, you can say that again. 1131 01:17:04,183 --> 01:17:07,643 No one gets to keep any secrets any more. 1132 01:17:08,479 --> 01:17:11,105 Bloody vultures! 1133 01:17:11,190 --> 01:17:14,066 Why can't Scotland have a law of trespass like a real country? 1134 01:17:14,151 --> 01:17:17,153 Oh, Lord. It's Little Miss Sunshine. 1135 01:17:18,197 --> 01:17:20,448 - Oh, Christ. Just be... - Be what? 1136 01:17:20,532 --> 01:17:22,658 Just be... You know... 1137 01:17:27,664 --> 01:17:30,458 I came through the back lane to evade all the media. 1138 01:17:30,542 --> 01:17:32,794 Well, thank you. 1139 01:17:34,505 --> 01:17:35,505 May I come in? 1140 01:17:35,631 --> 01:17:36,756 - Of course. - Why? 1141 01:17:36,840 --> 01:17:38,674 - I'm sorry? - Why do you want to come in? 1142 01:17:38,759 --> 01:17:41,344 - Abi, she's just... - I need more information. 1143 01:17:41,428 --> 01:17:42,637 What sort of information? 1144 01:17:42,721 --> 01:17:46,432 Information to help assess which of the range of outcomes... 1145 01:17:46,517 --> 01:17:50,269 - Outcomes? What outcomes? - Outcomes, Abi. 1146 01:17:50,354 --> 01:17:52,438 A range of outcomes from intervention to... 1147 01:17:52,523 --> 01:17:54,524 There! She said it. 1148 01:17:54,650 --> 01:17:57,026 I could involve the police in this conversation. 1149 01:17:57,152 --> 01:17:58,945 You can come in when I get an assurance 1150 01:17:59,029 --> 01:18:01,656 that there is no possibility of you taking away my kids. 1151 01:18:01,740 --> 01:18:04,575 - Abi. - As I was in the process of saying... 1152 01:18:04,660 --> 01:18:07,161 - I'll take that as a no, then. - Abi! 1153 01:18:07,246 --> 01:18:09,664 Jesus. Look at this. 1154 01:18:10,582 --> 01:18:12,291 Look at it. Look. 1155 01:18:12,376 --> 01:18:14,919 We're front page of the Daily Mail as well. 1156 01:18:15,003 --> 01:18:16,963 - Thank you, Kenneth. - And the Express. 1157 01:18:17,047 --> 01:18:19,882 - Kenneth, that's enough. - "Feral Children Sacrifice..." 1158 01:18:19,967 --> 01:18:23,177 Kenneth! We can do without the bloody rolling bulletin! 1159 01:18:23,262 --> 01:18:25,263 - Thank you. - We need to deal with this. 1160 01:18:25,347 --> 01:18:28,182 - It's not helpful. - I'm trying to be informative. 1161 01:18:28,267 --> 01:18:30,685 Kenneth! 1162 01:18:37,067 --> 01:18:40,444 Look, Gavin, about the supermarket episode... 1163 01:18:40,529 --> 01:18:43,281 There's nothing... helpful to be said about that. 1164 01:18:48,453 --> 01:18:50,872 - Ah, I was wondering... - I'd like my notebook back. 1165 01:18:50,956 --> 01:18:55,376 I'm sorry, Lottie, I'm only permitted to talk to you in an interview situation. 1166 01:18:56,545 --> 01:19:00,590 Actually, could I just nip in and use your phone for a moment? 1167 01:19:07,931 --> 01:19:09,724 But the Prime Minister has tweeted 1168 01:19:09,808 --> 01:19:12,852 that the incident is the symptom of a broken society. 1169 01:19:16,231 --> 01:19:19,275 Don't worry, Dad, I told you, Odin will sort all this out. 1170 01:19:19,359 --> 01:19:20,943 Mickey, you didn't see Odin. 1171 01:19:21,028 --> 01:19:23,029 Miss Pringle said that she saw Jesus 1172 01:19:23,113 --> 01:19:25,448 and if she can see Jesus, I can see Odin. 1173 01:19:25,532 --> 01:19:27,575 You didn't see Odin! There is no Odin. 1174 01:19:27,659 --> 01:19:29,368 This is the real world. 1175 01:19:30,370 --> 01:19:33,581 We're on television! 1176 01:19:34,958 --> 01:19:37,585 The three children from this family 1177 01:19:37,669 --> 01:19:39,754 who cannot be named for legal reasons... 1178 01:19:39,838 --> 01:19:42,632 - Oh! ...are inside the house. 1179 01:19:42,758 --> 01:19:45,551 - The police have announced... - We can only confirm 1180 01:19:45,636 --> 01:19:48,346 that the body of a man in his mid-seventies 1181 01:19:48,430 --> 01:19:53,809 was... destroyed and floated out to sea 1182 01:19:53,894 --> 01:19:55,478 possibly with some valuables. 1183 01:19:57,606 --> 01:19:58,689 Hi, there. 1184 01:19:58,774 --> 01:20:01,484 I forgot to put the brooch in my drawing. 1185 01:20:01,568 --> 01:20:03,110 - Yes, it was. - Brooch? 1186 01:20:03,195 --> 01:20:06,072 Granddad's Viking brooch. We put it on the raft. 1187 01:20:06,156 --> 01:20:09,033 All Vikings went to Valhalla with their treasure. 1188 01:20:09,785 --> 01:20:11,661 You morons! 1189 01:20:11,787 --> 01:20:13,704 Well, that's just rude. 1190 01:20:13,789 --> 01:20:15,373 You, stupid, stupid little... 1191 01:20:15,457 --> 01:20:18,542 - Whoa, whoa, enough! - They've destroyed a family heirloom. 1192 01:20:18,627 --> 01:20:21,170 - Dad found it. - It's worth £15,000. 1193 01:20:21,296 --> 01:20:24,131 - 15,000? - I had it valued. 1194 01:20:24,216 --> 01:20:27,593 - Oh, I get it. - What's that supposed to mean? 1195 01:20:27,678 --> 01:20:29,136 - Thinking ahead? - Doug... 1196 01:20:29,221 --> 01:20:32,848 Thought we'd keep that secret till after we divided up Dad's things? 1197 01:20:32,933 --> 01:20:36,477 I was going to announce it as a surprise for his birthday. 1198 01:20:36,561 --> 01:20:39,563 Please! I'm glad he's not here to listen to this. 1199 01:20:39,648 --> 01:20:42,400 He probably would be here if it wasn't for your mental kids! 1200 01:20:42,484 --> 01:20:44,485 - It is not the kids' fault! - That's right! 1201 01:20:44,569 --> 01:20:45,945 - It's his. - What? 1202 01:20:46,029 --> 01:20:47,613 Lottie tried to get us to listen 1203 01:20:47,698 --> 01:20:50,700 and you were too busy having an argument with your stupid brother. 1204 01:20:50,826 --> 01:20:54,036 - This isn't getting us anywhere. - Oh, just go chuck a pumpkin! 1205 01:20:54,121 --> 01:20:56,622 - That's enough. - It's not enough. 1206 01:20:56,707 --> 01:20:59,375 - Nothing's enough for you, is it? - Stop! 1207 01:20:59,459 --> 01:21:03,963 Stop it now! This is exactly what Granddad said would happen. 1208 01:21:05,007 --> 01:21:09,010 He wanted a Viking funeral so it would give you all less to fight about. 1209 01:21:09,094 --> 01:21:12,555 He said no one should fight, because at the end of the day, 1210 01:21:12,639 --> 01:21:15,725 it doesn't matter if Uncle Gavin's a tight-arse 1211 01:21:15,851 --> 01:21:20,771 and Dad's a shambles and Mum's a bit mouthy 1212 01:21:20,856 --> 01:21:26,569 and Auntie Margaret's... something or other. 1213 01:21:26,653 --> 01:21:29,363 He said you mustn't mind about that in the people you love. 1214 01:21:30,407 --> 01:21:35,453 Because... we're all... ridiculous, and none of this matters. 1215 01:21:36,413 --> 01:21:40,416 Erm, well, I'm sorry, Gavin. I shouldn't have said all that stuff. 1216 01:21:40,500 --> 01:21:45,880 No, no, it was me. I didn't... I was being a... 1217 01:21:45,964 --> 01:21:48,215 Listen, kids. I'm really sorry, but... 1218 01:21:49,718 --> 01:21:52,720 Sometimes when adults get a little bit upset, 1219 01:21:52,804 --> 01:21:53,888 they just become a... 1220 01:21:53,972 --> 01:21:56,182 Where's Mickey? 1221 01:21:56,266 --> 01:21:58,184 He's on there. 1222 01:21:58,268 --> 01:22:01,520 I'm fed up of being stuck inside. I've come out to explain. 1223 01:22:01,605 --> 01:22:04,565 - Jesus! - Tell them "no comment"! 1224 01:22:04,649 --> 01:22:06,233 Cos this is the real world. 1225 01:22:06,318 --> 01:22:09,361 Granddad stopped breathing and then what happened... 1226 01:22:09,446 --> 01:22:11,655 That's enough, thank you. 1227 01:22:11,740 --> 01:22:14,825 - You best go back inside. - I was trying to explain everything. 1228 01:22:14,910 --> 01:22:17,953 - Yeah, I know but... - As it's all our fault, 1229 01:22:18,038 --> 01:22:20,748 I thought it might stop the shouting. 1230 01:22:22,292 --> 01:22:24,668 No, it's not all your fault. Nothing's your fault. 1231 01:22:27,964 --> 01:22:29,757 You head inside, go on. 1232 01:22:32,344 --> 01:22:34,929 - We have no comment to make. - Good. Straight bat. 1233 01:22:35,013 --> 01:22:36,430 You were on TV! 1234 01:22:36,515 --> 01:22:38,557 We have no comment to make at this juncture. 1235 01:22:38,642 --> 01:22:41,769 Mr McLeod, can you confirm reports? 1236 01:22:41,853 --> 01:22:45,564 Except to say... you should all be ashamed of yourselves. 1237 01:22:45,649 --> 01:22:47,650 - What's he doing? - You're a disgrace! 1238 01:22:47,734 --> 01:22:48,818 Don't provoke them! 1239 01:22:48,944 --> 01:22:51,779 You have guidelines. My son is six years old! 1240 01:22:51,863 --> 01:22:54,365 Then why's he wandering about alone? 1241 01:22:54,449 --> 01:22:57,159 He was... We have no further comment. 1242 01:22:57,244 --> 01:23:00,579 Why were young children left in the care of an elderly, sick man? 1243 01:23:00,664 --> 01:23:02,790 - Mr McLeod, over here! - Well... 1244 01:23:02,874 --> 01:23:06,210 We... we did deliberate over that. 1245 01:23:06,294 --> 01:23:07,336 Walk away, man. 1246 01:23:09,464 --> 01:23:11,632 Is your divorce affecting your children? 1247 01:23:13,552 --> 01:23:16,011 Your divorce, caused by your affair. 1248 01:23:17,639 --> 01:23:19,473 Do you take responsibility 1249 01:23:19,558 --> 01:23:23,102 for the actions of your children? Do you feel you've failed as a father? 1250 01:23:26,231 --> 01:23:27,565 Sorry, what? 1251 01:23:27,649 --> 01:23:29,984 Do you feel you've failed as a father? 1252 01:23:30,819 --> 01:23:32,403 Well, I'm not sure that... 1253 01:23:33,530 --> 01:23:35,823 I mean... 1254 01:23:35,907 --> 01:23:39,285 - It's true that I've certainly... - Mrs McLeod. 1255 01:23:39,369 --> 01:23:42,037 My husband is a good and loving father. 1256 01:23:42,122 --> 01:23:44,039 We have no further comment. 1257 01:23:44,124 --> 01:23:46,625 Would you describe your marriage as dysfunctional? 1258 01:23:46,710 --> 01:23:50,796 Oh, the magic word, "dysfunctional". Yeah! Yep, fine. 1259 01:23:50,881 --> 01:23:53,257 - Fine, we're dysfunctional. - She's doing it now. 1260 01:23:53,341 --> 01:23:55,050 If you mean by "dysfunctional" 1261 01:23:55,135 --> 01:23:58,345 that we're two average people who have made a few mistakes, 1262 01:23:58,430 --> 01:24:00,723 and are trying very hard to muddle through 1263 01:24:00,807 --> 01:24:02,308 while trying our utmost 1264 01:24:02,392 --> 01:24:07,313 to protect and nurture our three... fantastic children, 1265 01:24:07,397 --> 01:24:09,148 Jess, Mickey and Lottie... 1266 01:24:09,232 --> 01:24:11,650 - Yes! Name check. - Yay! 1267 01:24:11,735 --> 01:24:14,695 Yes, we are dysfunctional. Thank you. 1268 01:24:18,366 --> 01:24:20,117 Bravo, Abi. 1269 01:24:20,202 --> 01:24:24,330 Well done, Abi. You certainly put them in their place. 1270 01:24:36,760 --> 01:24:38,302 Has something else happened? 1271 01:24:50,857 --> 01:24:55,027 I've learnt my lesson. Next time I'm with someone who's died on the beach, 1272 01:24:55,111 --> 01:24:58,572 I'll tell an adult and I won't set fire to them. 1273 01:24:59,324 --> 01:25:00,699 Very sensible. 1274 01:25:00,784 --> 01:25:02,493 Cheers. 1275 01:25:04,579 --> 01:25:07,957 - It's nice that Mickey wants to be... - I said no to the Newcastle job. 1276 01:25:09,834 --> 01:25:12,753 - Did you? - Yeah. 1277 01:25:14,172 --> 01:25:15,172 Thanks. 1278 01:25:18,969 --> 01:25:21,303 I've decided I don't need a solicitor. 1279 01:25:21,388 --> 01:25:23,931 I know. My solicitor told me. 1280 01:25:24,015 --> 01:25:25,891 - Already? - Yep. 1281 01:25:25,976 --> 01:25:28,227 She said it gave me a huge advantage. 1282 01:25:28,311 --> 01:25:31,188 She used the phrase "easy meat". 1283 01:25:32,357 --> 01:25:33,691 I'm gonna get rid of her. 1284 01:25:36,027 --> 01:25:38,487 Let's do this humanely. 1285 01:25:39,447 --> 01:25:41,115 Hmm. 1286 01:25:41,199 --> 01:25:43,742 OK, everybody. 1287 01:25:43,827 --> 01:25:46,287 Everyone, if you could just gather round. 1288 01:25:46,371 --> 01:25:49,748 Sorry the midges are out in their hordes. 1289 01:25:49,833 --> 01:25:52,084 - This is... - Over here, guys. 1290 01:25:52,168 --> 01:25:56,130 Lottie? I'm not sure there's any actual, real evidence 1291 01:25:56,214 --> 01:25:58,841 that the Vikings actually buried their dead 1292 01:25:58,925 --> 01:26:03,220 by burning them and floating them out to sea. 1293 01:26:04,431 --> 01:26:06,181 Mickey? 1294 01:26:06,266 --> 01:26:09,977 Never, ever say that out loud again. 1295 01:26:10,520 --> 01:26:13,814 Over here. Thanks. 1296 01:26:15,150 --> 01:26:17,526 My brother Doug is going to say a few words. 1297 01:26:29,789 --> 01:26:31,040 Thanks for coming. 1298 01:26:31,166 --> 01:26:34,084 Well done for shaking off the reporters. 1299 01:26:36,212 --> 01:26:39,923 The press have portrayed my father's death as a disgrace. 1300 01:26:41,301 --> 01:26:44,094 But what better way to die could he have had... 1301 01:26:47,766 --> 01:26:49,516 than on his favourite beach... 1302 01:26:54,939 --> 01:26:57,608 watching the grandchildren that he loved play... 1303 01:27:00,362 --> 01:27:01,987 play... 1304 01:27:06,201 --> 01:27:08,911 I don't know what Dad would have made of all this. 1305 01:27:10,872 --> 01:27:15,376 Actually, I do. He'd have laughed himself stupid. 1306 01:27:17,003 --> 01:27:20,714 He'd have laughed at everyone turning up for his party except for him. 1307 01:27:20,799 --> 01:27:22,633 He'd have laughed at the authorities 1308 01:27:22,717 --> 01:27:25,260 trying to find the relevant form to fill in... 1309 01:27:26,763 --> 01:27:31,517 He'd certainly have laughed at Margaret's starring role on YouTube. 1310 01:27:31,601 --> 01:27:36,313 4,458,207 hits at last count. 1311 01:27:37,982 --> 01:27:40,317 Three of them mine. 1312 01:27:42,737 --> 01:27:46,323 And me, he'd have laughed at me. A lot. 1313 01:27:46,408 --> 01:27:48,283 And my main regret, 1314 01:27:48,368 --> 01:27:50,536 apart from not having a bit more time with Dad, 1315 01:27:50,620 --> 01:27:55,165 is that he couldn't see us all running around like idiots. 1316 01:27:57,043 --> 01:27:59,920 I'm sure many of you believe that he can see us, 1317 01:28:00,004 --> 01:28:03,382 but for my part, I think death is it. 1318 01:28:03,466 --> 01:28:06,802 I, er, I think life... 1319 01:28:08,096 --> 01:28:12,391 This life is all you get, and Gordie McLeod had a hell of a life, 1320 01:28:12,475 --> 01:28:16,979 and so should we cos that's all death is good for. 1321 01:28:17,063 --> 01:28:19,314 It's to give us a kick up the arse 1322 01:28:19,399 --> 01:28:21,817 and say, "Get on with it, and love those around you." 1323 01:28:23,528 --> 01:28:29,825 And... and now my wonderful son, Kenneth, is gonna play something. 1324 01:28:35,540 --> 01:28:38,041 No, no. Play something he'd like. 1325 01:28:39,419 --> 01:28:41,503 Go mental. 1326 01:29:41,523 --> 01:29:43,690 He lives in that and then he walks around in it. 1327 01:29:43,775 --> 01:29:46,151 That keeps his back end all safe. 1328 01:29:46,236 --> 01:29:49,071 - So he doesn't show his bottom? - Exactly. 1329 01:29:49,155 --> 01:29:50,572 He keeps it in a shell. 1330 01:29:50,657 --> 01:29:52,950 Can we do that with a large shell? 1331 01:29:53,034 --> 01:29:55,827 Listen, kids, we, erm... 1332 01:29:55,912 --> 01:30:00,415 Dad and me, we just wanted to... to say something. 1333 01:30:00,500 --> 01:30:02,960 We know that we've not behaved very well recently 1334 01:30:03,044 --> 01:30:08,131 and, er... well, we just wanted to say sorry. 1335 01:30:08,216 --> 01:30:09,299 That's right. 1336 01:30:09,384 --> 01:30:13,345 And, erm, while we'll still be living apart, 1337 01:30:13,429 --> 01:30:16,723 in different... different houses, 1338 01:30:16,808 --> 01:30:22,104 we, er... from now on, we're going to behave like grown-ups. 1339 01:30:28,444 --> 01:30:29,778 Inappropriate behaviour! 1340 01:30:29,904 --> 01:30:33,240 - Lottie, write that down in your book. - I've chucked the book away. 1341 01:30:35,785 --> 01:30:37,828 I don't think I'll need it any more. 1342 01:30:52,093 --> 01:30:54,011 Get him! 1343 01:31:00,435 --> 01:31:03,228 Get him. Get Dad! Get Dad! 1344 01:31:03,313 --> 01:31:05,188 Come on, then!