1 00:01:58,991 --> 00:02:02,093 And I said, "You better show me your jingle balls." 2 00:06:50,515 --> 00:06:53,551 It's Christmas! 3 00:06:55,455 --> 00:06:58,189 What a night. 4 00:06:59,424 --> 00:07:01,459 Why are you wearing? 5 00:07:01,461 --> 00:07:03,394 Huh? 6 00:07:03,396 --> 00:07:05,196 Well, it's for the charity auction, isn't it? 7 00:07:05,198 --> 00:07:06,430 There's a swimsuit round. 8 00:07:06,432 --> 00:07:09,533 No, there isn't a swimsuit round. 9 00:07:09,535 --> 00:07:11,102 Oh, fuck! 10 00:07:11,104 --> 00:07:12,770 Fucking Evie! 11 00:07:12,772 --> 00:07:14,338 She thinks she's got it in the bag. 12 00:07:14,340 --> 00:07:16,207 There is no way that skinny bitch 13 00:07:16,209 --> 00:07:17,675 is gonna get one over on me! 14 00:07:17,677 --> 00:07:18,843 No way! 15 00:07:18,845 --> 00:07:20,511 The Managing Director won me. 16 00:07:20,513 --> 00:07:23,981 I raised over a grand in this, Debbie! 17 00:07:23,983 --> 00:07:25,416 Who else is in the auction then? 18 00:07:25,418 --> 00:07:26,751 Heather. What?! 19 00:07:26,753 --> 00:07:28,519 Planet Heather? Yep. 20 00:07:28,521 --> 00:07:29,220 Really? 21 00:07:29,222 --> 00:07:31,522 No, really. You retard! 22 00:07:31,524 --> 00:07:33,858 Fucking dick! 23 00:07:37,696 --> 00:07:39,964 She'd have to use a tractor tyre as her sash. 24 00:07:39,966 --> 00:07:42,032 She's heavier than 25 00:07:43,736 --> 00:07:45,236 She's fat. Yeah. 26 00:07:45,238 --> 00:07:47,705 She puts the "fuck" in "fat." 27 00:07:47,707 --> 00:07:50,574 Do you remember the time at the office Easter Egg hunt? 28 00:07:50,576 --> 00:07:52,643 You know, when they found her having an... 29 00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:54,311 shoving Kinders in her cake hole? 30 00:07:54,313 --> 00:07:55,379 No. 31 00:07:55,381 --> 00:07:56,947 That didn't happen! Oh yeah! 32 00:07:56,949 --> 00:07:58,883 Well fuck it. Let's just say it didn't. 33 00:07:59,952 --> 00:08:01,485 Bitch do it. 34 00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:03,120 Wait, wouldn't that be an egg... 35 00:08:03,122 --> 00:08:04,088 Look, I don't think her mouth 36 00:08:04,090 --> 00:08:05,656 discriminates when it comes to food. 37 00:08:05,658 --> 00:08:09,393 In the same way that yours doesn't when it comes to cock! 38 00:08:09,395 --> 00:08:11,462 Wait what? Oh, please! 39 00:08:11,464 --> 00:08:13,230 The fact that your throat looks like 40 00:08:13,232 --> 00:08:15,199 the opening titles to "Look Who's Talking." 41 00:08:15,201 --> 00:08:17,001 Oh, I don't get it. 42 00:08:25,611 --> 00:08:28,012 What? Err? 43 00:08:28,014 --> 00:08:29,713 What is that? 44 00:08:31,850 --> 00:08:33,818 Oh, God! 45 00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:38,422 That pizza delivery boy got "rapey" under the mistletoe. 46 00:08:38,424 --> 00:08:42,693 But Jeff swooped in and saved the day! 47 00:08:42,695 --> 00:08:44,428 What? Geoff from accounts? 48 00:08:44,430 --> 00:08:46,864 No, Jeff from I.T. 49 00:08:46,866 --> 00:08:48,933 Jeff! Jefferoni! 50 00:08:48,935 --> 00:08:51,302 Jefferson airplane! Huh? 51 00:08:51,304 --> 00:08:53,671 He's the one. You know... 52 00:08:53,673 --> 00:08:55,005 Heather the Heifer.? 53 00:08:55,007 --> 00:08:58,509 God! 54 00:08:58,511 --> 00:08:59,810 Then he took me into the copy room 55 00:08:59,812 --> 00:09:01,612 and photocopied my "O" face. 56 00:09:01,614 --> 00:09:05,482 You are so naughty! 57 00:09:13,925 --> 00:09:16,160 Holly... What are you doing? 58 00:09:16,162 --> 00:09:18,362 Shhh... 59 00:09:18,364 --> 00:09:20,231 It's a Christmas party. 60 00:09:20,233 --> 00:09:21,799 Someone's bound to do something stupid. 61 00:09:21,801 --> 00:09:24,201 It might as well be us. 62 00:10:36,442 --> 00:10:39,910 Shit! 63 00:10:39,912 --> 00:10:41,645 Hello! Hello! 64 00:10:41,647 --> 00:10:43,113 Charlie? Charlie? 65 00:10:43,115 --> 00:10:45,616 One of the "crusties" from the basement. 66 00:10:45,618 --> 00:10:46,984 Are you, are you decent? 67 00:10:46,986 --> 00:10:48,419 No! 68 00:10:48,421 --> 00:10:49,586 I'm indecent. Now... 69 00:10:49,588 --> 00:10:50,921 fuck off! 70 00:10:50,923 --> 00:10:51,822 Can I come in? 71 00:10:51,824 --> 00:10:53,857 No! 72 00:10:53,859 --> 00:10:56,226 I just want my tool box! 73 00:10:56,228 --> 00:10:57,461 Fuck off, Charlie. 74 00:10:57,463 --> 00:10:59,363 You're not even supposed to be here, Charlie. 75 00:10:59,365 --> 00:11:00,631 It's white collar only. 76 00:11:00,633 --> 00:11:02,333 You should be ashamed of yourself, Charlie! 77 00:11:02,335 --> 00:11:05,369 You shouldn't perv on people at Christmas, Charlie. 78 00:11:05,371 --> 00:11:06,770 I wasn't! Look, look! 79 00:11:06,772 --> 00:11:08,238 I'm just looking for my tool box. 80 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,073 It's Christmas Eve. 81 00:11:09,075 --> 00:11:10,474 I want to be home with my family. 82 00:11:10,476 --> 00:11:12,076 Someone took my tool box! 83 00:11:12,078 --> 00:11:13,177 Oh! Fuck! 84 00:11:13,179 --> 00:11:14,311 Here! 85 00:11:16,816 --> 00:11:18,349 It's Christmas! 86 00:11:18,351 --> 00:11:19,950 Weak Charlie. 87 00:11:22,287 --> 00:11:24,521 Real weak! 88 00:11:31,096 --> 00:11:33,163 Dick! 89 00:11:53,418 --> 00:11:54,351 What's that? 90 00:11:54,353 --> 00:11:56,653 Oi! 91 00:12:59,618 --> 00:13:03,454 Occupied! 92 00:13:51,202 --> 00:13:53,103 Sorry, sorry! 93 00:13:53,105 --> 00:13:54,471 Sorry, sorry! 94 00:13:54,473 --> 00:13:57,641 Sorry, sorry! Sorry, sorry! 95 00:13:57,643 --> 00:14:00,010 Sorry, sorry! 96 00:14:00,012 --> 00:14:03,347 Sorry, sorry! Sorry, sorry! 97 00:14:04,315 --> 00:14:06,483 I'm sorry. Oh God. 98 00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:34,738 Fu... 99 00:15:45,483 --> 00:15:45,983 ..uck! 100 00:16:10,541 --> 00:16:12,843 Jesus! 101 00:16:12,845 --> 00:16:14,878 Fuck! 102 00:16:16,948 --> 00:16:19,583 Help! Help! 103 00:16:19,585 --> 00:16:21,818 I'm stuck in the bathroom! 104 00:16:21,820 --> 00:16:24,388 There's zombies in your toilet! 105 00:16:24,390 --> 00:16:28,326 Ahh, ahh! 106 00:16:35,401 --> 00:16:36,566 No! 107 00:16:36,568 --> 00:16:37,934 Go away! 108 00:16:37,936 --> 00:16:39,569 No, go away! 109 00:16:39,571 --> 00:16:41,972 No, no, no. I want alive people! 110 00:20:38,209 --> 00:20:39,476 Hey! 111 00:20:40,545 --> 00:20:43,613 Hey, hello! Hey! 112 00:21:20,952 --> 00:21:22,686 Hey! 113 00:21:23,921 --> 00:21:25,755 Hey, hey! 114 00:21:26,791 --> 00:21:28,692 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 115 00:22:14,038 --> 00:22:16,239 Yeah! Yes! 116 00:22:17,742 --> 00:22:18,942 Ah! 117 00:23:13,264 --> 00:23:15,298 Come on, come on! Come on, come on! 118 00:23:19,136 --> 00:23:20,704 Yes! 119 00:23:20,706 --> 00:23:22,172 Hello, Emergency Services. 120 00:23:22,174 --> 00:23:23,573 Police, Fire or Ambulance? 121 00:23:23,575 --> 00:23:25,508 Oh, err? Who handles zombies? 122 00:23:25,510 --> 00:23:27,343 I dunno? Police, police. 123 00:23:27,345 --> 00:23:29,412 Police, police. Police. 124 00:23:29,414 --> 00:23:30,747 OK, I'm just putting you through. 125 00:23:30,749 --> 00:23:32,582 Thank you. 126 00:23:36,154 --> 00:23:38,388 Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! 127 00:23:38,390 --> 00:23:39,222 You've got to help me! 128 00:23:39,224 --> 00:23:40,890 I'm really, really trapped. 129 00:23:40,892 --> 00:23:42,859 And there's all these... there's those... 130 00:23:46,230 --> 00:23:47,030 Who's this? 131 00:23:50,801 --> 00:23:52,836 Zombie police. 132 00:23:57,108 --> 00:23:59,576 Shut the fuck up! 133 00:24:38,216 --> 00:24:39,916 Hey. 134 00:24:39,918 --> 00:24:41,184 No, no, no. Shush, shush. 135 00:24:42,052 --> 00:24:43,119 Shush, shush. 136 00:24:43,121 --> 00:24:45,155 Hello? Shh, shh! 137 00:24:45,157 --> 00:24:46,923 Don't cry. 138 00:24:46,925 --> 00:24:49,225 Please... don't cry. 139 00:24:49,227 --> 00:24:51,628 Shush, shush, shush! 140 00:24:51,630 --> 00:24:53,630 I didn't mean to hurt you. 141 00:24:53,632 --> 00:24:55,899 I didn't mean to smash you in the head in with a... 142 00:24:55,901 --> 00:24:57,500 toilet seat. And I didn't mean to stab you 143 00:24:57,502 --> 00:24:58,601 in the mouth with a screwdriver. 144 00:24:58,603 --> 00:25:00,970 But... you tried to eat me... 145 00:25:00,972 --> 00:25:03,006 and you stole my trousers. So... 146 00:25:03,008 --> 00:25:04,607 I'm not a zombie, you dick! 147 00:25:04,609 --> 00:25:06,242 Yeah. Yeah, you are. 148 00:25:06,244 --> 00:25:08,812 I came in a few minutes before the peep show. 149 00:25:08,814 --> 00:25:11,114 I'm in the third stall along! 150 00:25:11,116 --> 00:25:12,816 Err... 151 00:25:12,818 --> 00:25:14,617 Okay. Errr... 152 00:25:14,619 --> 00:25:16,252 Why didn't you say anything? 153 00:25:16,254 --> 00:25:18,822 Uhh... Because I was... busy? 154 00:25:18,824 --> 00:25:20,356 Busy? 155 00:25:20,358 --> 00:25:22,158 Busy doing what?! 156 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,828 What do you think girls do in the bathroom? 157 00:25:24,830 --> 00:25:27,831 Um, well from my limited experience I'd have to say 158 00:25:27,833 --> 00:25:29,766 "lez up" and rip each other's throats out. 159 00:25:29,768 --> 00:25:30,967 I worked with those girls. 160 00:25:30,969 --> 00:25:34,504 Ahh, don't worry about it. They were bitches. 161 00:25:34,506 --> 00:25:35,572 You got a phone? 162 00:25:35,574 --> 00:25:37,240 No, it's gone AWOL. 163 00:25:37,242 --> 00:25:39,342 Jesus, we're fucked, aren't we? 164 00:25:39,344 --> 00:25:40,510 Maybe? 165 00:25:40,512 --> 00:25:44,214 So, are you maintenance, a pervert or both? 166 00:25:44,216 --> 00:25:45,181 Maintenance. 167 00:25:45,183 --> 00:25:48,384 Have have you got any tools? You must have! 168 00:25:48,386 --> 00:25:50,787 Come on, something we can use to like, cut off their heads 169 00:25:50,789 --> 00:25:52,722 or bash in their skulls! 170 00:26:02,032 --> 00:26:04,067 Really good! 171 00:26:04,069 --> 00:26:05,301 Yes. Yeah! 172 00:26:05,303 --> 00:26:07,237 Yeah, I've got shit loads of stuff! 173 00:26:07,239 --> 00:26:10,240 It's in my tool... 174 00:26:16,847 --> 00:26:17,647 Ahh! Don't! 175 00:26:17,649 --> 00:26:19,849 No, no, no, no, no! No, ahh! 176 00:26:19,851 --> 00:26:22,318 What are you doing? 177 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,221 Learning a valuable lesson. What? 178 00:26:25,223 --> 00:26:26,256 Nothing. 179 00:26:26,258 --> 00:26:27,891 Where's this tool box? 180 00:26:27,893 --> 00:26:28,925 Sink. 181 00:26:28,927 --> 00:26:30,426 Oh, shit! 182 00:26:30,428 --> 00:26:32,562 Is there anything in your stall we can use? 183 00:26:32,564 --> 00:26:33,997 Only if you wanna wipe their arses 184 00:26:33,999 --> 00:26:35,932 and give them a posh wank! 185 00:26:35,934 --> 00:26:37,100 Maybe that's a cure. 186 00:26:37,102 --> 00:26:39,435 Okay, well... Hey, you go first! 187 00:26:39,437 --> 00:26:40,937 You know what? Oh, don't worry! 188 00:26:40,939 --> 00:26:42,305 If you die in the process, 189 00:26:42,307 --> 00:26:45,408 I'm gonna make sure they erect a big statue 190 00:26:45,410 --> 00:26:48,044 of you in the town hall. You will be like... 191 00:26:48,046 --> 00:26:49,779 jerking off a zombie with one hand, 192 00:26:49,781 --> 00:26:52,382 scooping out his dirty crack with the other! 193 00:26:52,384 --> 00:26:55,451 Ahh! My hero. 194 00:26:58,089 --> 00:26:59,088 Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah! 195 00:26:59,090 --> 00:27:00,857 What's going on? 196 00:27:04,361 --> 00:27:07,797 Er, you've got another five dead arses to wipe. 197 00:27:07,799 --> 00:27:10,099 Shit! 198 00:27:11,969 --> 00:27:13,436 So, what's your name? 199 00:27:13,438 --> 00:27:14,771 What's your name? 200 00:27:14,773 --> 00:27:16,739 Did you know Romero? 201 00:27:16,741 --> 00:27:19,375 Oh. 202 00:27:21,212 --> 00:27:23,046 Yeah, it's not really. 203 00:27:23,048 --> 00:27:24,881 That would be ridiculous. 204 00:27:24,883 --> 00:27:27,250 It's Smith. Evie Smith. 205 00:27:27,252 --> 00:27:29,452 So, were you having a good time? 206 00:27:29,454 --> 00:27:30,753 Woah, woah, woah. No, no, no, no! 207 00:27:30,755 --> 00:27:32,855 I was just trying to have a poo. I wasn't doing anyth... 208 00:27:32,857 --> 00:27:33,923 At the party, numb nuts! 209 00:27:33,925 --> 00:27:36,125 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, it was, um... 210 00:27:36,127 --> 00:27:38,061 kicking. Really? 211 00:27:38,063 --> 00:27:39,996 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was partying with Jeff. 212 00:27:39,998 --> 00:27:41,664 Jefferoni! Jefferson Airplane! 213 00:27:41,666 --> 00:27:43,232 Yeah, Geoff from accounts? 214 00:27:43,234 --> 00:27:45,868 No, ewww. Jeff from I.T. 215 00:27:45,870 --> 00:27:47,937 You're pals with Jeff from I.T.? 216 00:27:47,939 --> 00:27:50,406 He is, like, the hottest guy in the building! 217 00:27:50,408 --> 00:27:52,175 Yeah, people say we look alike. So, um... 218 00:27:52,177 --> 00:27:53,176 Wow! Yeah, yeah. 219 00:27:53,178 --> 00:27:55,011 We're mistaken for brothers all the time. 220 00:27:55,013 --> 00:27:58,514 Actually, it's funny. You don't sound... black! 221 00:27:58,516 --> 00:27:59,849 No, err... 222 00:27:59,851 --> 00:28:02,752 I'm more of a... pale... 223 00:28:02,754 --> 00:28:06,322 vanilla version of Jeff. Jefferoni. 224 00:28:06,324 --> 00:28:07,657 Jefferson Airplane. 225 00:28:07,659 --> 00:28:10,159 And you're in a wheelchair too? 226 00:28:10,161 --> 00:28:11,427 What? 227 00:28:11,429 --> 00:28:13,596 I'm fucking with you! 228 00:28:13,598 --> 00:28:15,798 Hey, um, why don't you jump up on your toilet 229 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:16,833 and give us a wave? 230 00:28:16,835 --> 00:28:18,835 Oh, I can't. I hurt my back 231 00:28:18,837 --> 00:28:20,970 doing my party piece for the auction. 232 00:28:20,972 --> 00:28:23,006 Hey, you know the Salt-n-Pepa routine 233 00:28:23,008 --> 00:28:24,540 that snagged three grand for the headless orphans 234 00:28:24,542 --> 00:28:26,009 of Uganda? 235 00:28:26,011 --> 00:28:28,644 Yep, that was me. Thank you! 236 00:28:28,646 --> 00:28:30,413 Thank you! 237 00:28:30,749 --> 00:28:35,651 No, I didn't see that. I totally missed that one? 238 00:28:35,653 --> 00:28:37,887 Don't worry. I'll live. 239 00:28:37,889 --> 00:28:39,689 Yeah, so what do you look like? 240 00:28:39,691 --> 00:28:41,791 What, er, me? I'm like er, er, 241 00:28:41,793 --> 00:28:45,061 a blonde Keira Knightley. But with boobs. 242 00:28:45,063 --> 00:28:48,197 Heh, I've always said she could do with losing a few pounds. 243 00:28:48,199 --> 00:28:50,967 You know, I'm not gonna apologize for being able to 244 00:28:50,969 --> 00:28:54,170 squeeze into my size six hot pants. 245 00:28:54,172 --> 00:28:56,639 I mean, the world's media goes fucking schizoid 246 00:28:56,641 --> 00:28:58,875 when a skinny model pops up on the cover of Cosmo, 247 00:28:58,877 --> 00:29:01,544 but, you know, who dares go after that fatty boom-boom... 248 00:29:01,546 --> 00:29:05,548 for glamorizing heart disease and diabetes? 249 00:29:05,550 --> 00:29:07,750 I mean, fuck, when, when was it a bad idea for a kid 250 00:29:07,752 --> 00:29:09,619 to put down a bacon double cheeseburger, huh? 251 00:29:09,621 --> 00:29:12,889 I think by the end of the week, the nations kids are gonna be 252 00:29:12,891 --> 00:29:14,924 living on a diet of intestines and eyeballs. 253 00:29:14,926 --> 00:29:17,560 That's one hot potato we can flush down the loo. 254 00:29:17,562 --> 00:29:19,929 Jamie Oliver's fucked 255 00:29:19,931 --> 00:29:21,564 Hey, you must be in bulimic heaven. 256 00:29:21,566 --> 00:29:22,598 Yeah, why's that? 257 00:29:23,735 --> 00:29:25,068 Well you know. Living in a toilet, 258 00:29:25,070 --> 00:29:26,202 surrounded by skeletons. 259 00:29:26,204 --> 00:29:27,603 Who said I was bulimic? 260 00:29:27,605 --> 00:29:29,172 Well, the alarm bells are ringing. 261 00:29:29,174 --> 00:29:30,706 Fuck you! 262 00:29:30,708 --> 00:29:32,375 Alarm bells! 263 00:29:32,377 --> 00:29:33,609 Fucking alarm bells! 264 00:29:33,611 --> 00:29:35,011 Look, I'm not bulimic, okay! 265 00:29:35,013 --> 00:29:36,746 I may be a little anorexic, but... 266 00:29:36,748 --> 00:29:37,980 No, no, no. Fire alarm! 267 00:29:37,982 --> 00:29:39,449 We can set off the fucking fire alarm! 268 00:29:39,451 --> 00:29:42,351 Ahh, great idea! Zombie firemen! 269 00:29:42,353 --> 00:29:45,221 Bigger zombies... with axes! Yay! 270 00:29:45,223 --> 00:29:47,490 Get them to pay us a visit! 271 00:29:48,959 --> 00:29:50,393 Okay, where are you? Yeah! 272 00:29:50,395 --> 00:29:52,895 Okay, all we need to do is bust the glass on that alarm 273 00:29:52,897 --> 00:29:54,297 and someone's just gotta come. 274 00:29:54,299 --> 00:29:56,933 And how do we do that? 275 00:30:07,378 --> 00:30:09,979 Oh my God! Did you see that? 276 00:30:09,981 --> 00:30:11,881 Did you fucking see that? 277 00:30:11,883 --> 00:30:13,049 Yeah, I watching! I'm watching! 278 00:30:13,051 --> 00:30:14,951 Keep going! 279 00:30:14,953 --> 00:30:16,619 Let's go again. 280 00:30:16,621 --> 00:30:19,222 Cheese and whiskers! What's her problem?! 281 00:30:19,224 --> 00:30:21,824 Er, I don't think she likes me using her bestest lingerie 282 00:30:21,826 --> 00:30:23,793 as a catapult. 283 00:30:26,029 --> 00:30:27,497 Shit! Fuck! 284 00:30:27,499 --> 00:30:30,166 What's the ammo count, William Smell? 285 00:30:30,168 --> 00:30:31,968 Two. 286 00:30:40,477 --> 00:30:42,178 For the love of fuck! 287 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:50,753 Last one?! 288 00:30:51,421 --> 00:30:53,823 Yeah. Well, make it count! 289 00:31:05,502 --> 00:31:07,870 Don't worry guys. I'm here to get you out! 290 00:31:07,872 --> 00:31:08,938 Whose that?! 291 00:31:08,940 --> 00:31:09,972 It's me, Jeff. 292 00:31:09,974 --> 00:31:12,942 Is that Jeff from I.T. or Geoff from Accounts? 293 00:31:12,944 --> 00:31:14,777 Jeff from I.T. 294 00:31:16,313 --> 00:31:18,414 Really, really good. 295 00:31:18,416 --> 00:31:20,783 Okay, looks like this is all that's left. 296 00:31:20,785 --> 00:31:22,552 Everybody else has gone full mongo, 297 00:31:22,554 --> 00:31:26,489 so let's get this show on... 298 00:31:26,491 --> 00:31:29,625 What do you want to get the show on Jeff?! 299 00:31:29,627 --> 00:31:33,496 Jeff? Is it "the road," Jeff?! 300 00:31:33,498 --> 00:31:36,532 Oh! 301 00:31:36,534 --> 00:31:40,236 Are we getting the show on the road?! 302 00:31:40,238 --> 00:31:41,871 Jeff?! 303 00:31:43,541 --> 00:31:48,244 Oh, please, say we're getting the show on the road! 304 00:32:08,065 --> 00:32:09,699 What's going on?! 305 00:32:09,701 --> 00:32:11,901 Shut up! 306 00:32:19,409 --> 00:32:21,310 I got it! 307 00:32:37,861 --> 00:32:40,930 We're not getting the show on the road, are we? 308 00:33:12,396 --> 00:33:14,497 So... 309 00:33:14,499 --> 00:33:18,234 What are "we" doing for Christmas? 310 00:33:24,775 --> 00:33:30,846 Okay, I take it you're not a Christmas guy, huh? 311 00:33:34,351 --> 00:33:38,087 No, err... I'm not a Christmas guy. 312 00:33:38,089 --> 00:33:40,189 You don't like Christmas? 313 00:33:40,191 --> 00:33:43,125 God, how can you not like Christmas? 314 00:33:43,127 --> 00:33:46,329 Do you know when, err, Garfield's birthday is? 315 00:33:46,331 --> 00:33:47,930 G-Garfield's birthday? 316 00:33:47,932 --> 00:33:50,433 Yeah, Garfield's birthday. 317 00:33:50,435 --> 00:33:53,703 Uhh... No? 318 00:33:53,705 --> 00:33:56,739 It's June 19th. It's, it's on June 19th. 319 00:33:56,741 --> 00:33:58,708 Your tool box you forget, 320 00:33:58,710 --> 00:34:01,477 but the birth date of a cartoon cat you remember? 321 00:34:01,479 --> 00:34:03,546 Wow, that's prioritizing for you. 322 00:34:03,548 --> 00:34:05,247 Why do you even remember that? 323 00:34:05,249 --> 00:34:07,550 It's my mum's birthday. 324 00:34:07,552 --> 00:34:10,286 Aww! That's sweeet! 325 00:34:10,288 --> 00:34:12,355 So what's your point? 326 00:34:12,357 --> 00:34:15,891 Everyday during my 30-minute break from... 327 00:34:15,893 --> 00:34:18,894 changing light bulbs and fixing photocopiers... 328 00:34:18,896 --> 00:34:21,797 I sit on the loo, I drink my coffee, 329 00:34:21,799 --> 00:34:23,032 I eat my sandwich, 330 00:34:23,034 --> 00:34:24,467 and I flick to the back of the newspaper 331 00:34:24,469 --> 00:34:26,001 to see what Garfield's been up to. 332 00:34:26,003 --> 00:34:29,505 Okay, it's always ultimately a slight variation on... 333 00:34:29,507 --> 00:34:32,208 pushing Odie off a table, or eating lasagna, 334 00:34:32,210 --> 00:34:34,143 or hating Mondays. But it's enough. 335 00:34:34,145 --> 00:34:36,245 Enough to get me through my fucking day. 336 00:34:36,247 --> 00:34:38,214 Or at least raise a fucking smile. 337 00:34:38,216 --> 00:34:39,515 I got this job straight outta school, 338 00:34:39,517 --> 00:34:41,217 so that means Garfield's been giving me a smile a day 339 00:34:41,219 --> 00:34:42,385 for ten years. 340 00:34:42,387 --> 00:34:44,587 It's a decade of mild chuckles. 341 00:34:44,589 --> 00:34:46,856 Which is infinitely more than what Jesus Christ 342 00:34:46,858 --> 00:34:48,324 has ever done for me. 343 00:34:48,326 --> 00:34:49,759 So, next June 19th, 344 00:34:49,761 --> 00:34:52,895 will I be singing my Garfield carols, 345 00:34:52,897 --> 00:34:54,730 sticking up my Garfield tree 346 00:34:54,732 --> 00:34:55,998 and opening my Garfield cards? 347 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:59,101 So, it seems slightly unfair and hypocritical of me 348 00:34:59,103 --> 00:35:01,370 to celebrate the birthday of another heavily merchandised 349 00:35:01,372 --> 00:35:03,406 fictitious character that will never, ever get me to crack 350 00:35:03,408 --> 00:35:05,408 a motherfucking smile. 351 00:35:07,043 --> 00:35:11,547 You are fucking nuts! 352 00:35:11,549 --> 00:35:13,783 Yeah, well... 353 00:35:13,785 --> 00:35:15,184 God, if that's how you see things, 354 00:35:15,186 --> 00:35:16,652 why do you even wanna get outta this place? 355 00:35:16,654 --> 00:35:18,888 Fuck, I said I didn't like Christmas, 356 00:35:18,890 --> 00:35:22,024 I didn't say I was suicidal. Jesus Christ! 357 00:35:24,261 --> 00:35:26,862 So, you're close to you're mummy? 358 00:35:26,864 --> 00:35:27,797 What?! 359 00:35:27,799 --> 00:35:29,565 Well, you mentioned your mum? 360 00:35:29,567 --> 00:35:30,633 Is that who you're... 361 00:35:30,635 --> 00:35:32,368 "uncelebrating" Christmas with? 362 00:35:32,370 --> 00:35:33,602 Nooo. 363 00:35:33,604 --> 00:35:36,772 You're not even seeing you're Mum at Christmas? 364 00:35:36,774 --> 00:35:38,908 I mean bug nuts atheist propaganda aside, 365 00:35:38,910 --> 00:35:41,710 isn't there anyone you wanna spend the Yuletide with? 366 00:35:41,712 --> 00:35:43,946 All right, well, I could layout the figgy pudding 367 00:35:43,948 --> 00:35:47,082 and mince pies on my dead dad's cider-soaked grave. 368 00:35:47,084 --> 00:35:48,951 Or, okay, let me see. Yeah, yeah, yeah! 369 00:35:48,953 --> 00:35:50,586 I could visit my cheating ex-girlfriend and watch her 370 00:35:50,588 --> 00:35:52,555 throw a Brussels sprout at my fucking head. 371 00:35:52,557 --> 00:35:54,957 Yeah, and what about your Mum? 372 00:35:56,293 --> 00:35:57,493 Err... 373 00:35:57,495 --> 00:35:59,662 I haven't spoken to her for a while. 374 00:35:59,664 --> 00:36:02,698 No? For how long? 375 00:36:04,668 --> 00:36:05,801 Couple of years? 376 00:36:07,938 --> 00:36:12,675 Kind of, borrowed some money off her... for college. 377 00:36:12,677 --> 00:36:14,310 Didn't pay her back. 378 00:36:14,312 --> 00:36:17,446 Well, that's not bad. It was an education. 379 00:36:17,448 --> 00:36:19,515 She's probably proud. 380 00:36:19,517 --> 00:36:24,019 Yeah, proud. 381 00:36:24,021 --> 00:36:25,120 You didn't go, did you? 382 00:36:25,122 --> 00:36:30,192 I got a BA Honors in fucking unblocking the shitter! 383 00:36:30,194 --> 00:36:31,627 Course I didn't fucking go. 384 00:36:31,629 --> 00:36:34,163 What did you spend the cash on? 385 00:36:34,165 --> 00:36:36,098 Errr, I dunno. 386 00:36:36,100 --> 00:36:38,200 Yeah, you do. 387 00:36:41,171 --> 00:36:44,507 I lost it on a bet with Mikey, the pot-head security guard. 388 00:36:44,509 --> 00:36:47,943 What did you bet on? 389 00:36:47,945 --> 00:36:49,345 2012. 390 00:36:49,347 --> 00:36:51,313 That's a really weird time to have a horse race. 391 00:36:51,315 --> 00:36:54,316 No, no. The year 2012? 392 00:36:54,318 --> 00:36:56,018 What?! 393 00:36:57,053 --> 00:36:59,822 Mikey bet me that the whole Mayan Calendar... 394 00:36:59,824 --> 00:37:03,125 bullshit thing was... bullshit... and... 395 00:37:03,127 --> 00:37:03,993 Guess what? 396 00:37:03,995 --> 00:37:04,894 it was bullshit! 397 00:37:04,896 --> 00:37:07,029 Okay, tell me. If you were right, 398 00:37:07,031 --> 00:37:08,731 if you had won that bet. 399 00:37:08,733 --> 00:37:10,966 How were you expecting to spend the money? 400 00:37:10,968 --> 00:37:12,902 Like a motherfucking pimp, that's how! 401 00:37:12,904 --> 00:37:14,904 That's not what I meant. 402 00:37:14,906 --> 00:37:18,307 Um... 403 00:37:18,309 --> 00:37:21,610 Well, let's just see how this whole situation pans out. 404 00:37:21,612 --> 00:37:24,413 Mikey might be eating his words... 405 00:37:24,415 --> 00:37:26,982 or his kids. 406 00:37:30,754 --> 00:37:32,321 Give her a call. 407 00:37:32,323 --> 00:37:33,188 Who? 408 00:37:33,190 --> 00:37:34,490 Your mother. 409 00:37:34,492 --> 00:37:36,058 My phone's filled with brains and piss. 410 00:37:36,060 --> 00:37:38,327 I mean, when we get out of here... 411 00:37:38,329 --> 00:37:40,763 Just give mummy a call. 412 00:37:40,765 --> 00:37:44,233 That kinda stuff's important. 413 00:37:49,839 --> 00:37:51,240 How about your family and stuff? 414 00:37:51,242 --> 00:37:52,675 Oh, me? Ohh! 415 00:37:52,677 --> 00:37:55,210 You know what? I have a huge family! 416 00:37:55,212 --> 00:37:57,246 And we all go to Uncle Keith's for Christmas dinner. 417 00:37:57,248 --> 00:37:59,682 Like, I mean, everyone goes. Everyone... 418 00:37:59,684 --> 00:38:02,117 So, there's mummy and daddy, brothers and sisters, 419 00:38:02,119 --> 00:38:03,586 aunties, uncles, grandmas and granddads, 420 00:38:03,588 --> 00:38:04,520 nieces and nephews... 421 00:38:04,522 --> 00:38:05,554 You know what I can't help but think, 422 00:38:05,556 --> 00:38:07,222 when I see a large family like that? 423 00:38:07,224 --> 00:38:08,390 What? 424 00:38:08,392 --> 00:38:09,792 All those funerals. 425 00:38:09,794 --> 00:38:10,960 You're a dick. 426 00:38:10,962 --> 00:38:11,927 I"m just saying. 427 00:38:11,929 --> 00:38:12,962 Yeah. I don't want to hear it! 428 00:38:12,964 --> 00:38:14,263 You know, just a witty observation. 429 00:38:14,265 --> 00:38:16,065 I don't want to hear it! Didn't mean any offense... 430 00:38:16,067 --> 00:38:17,600 Look, just grab your bra, 431 00:38:17,602 --> 00:38:20,336 pull your finger out and get us the fuck out of here! 432 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:32,214 Yeah, yeah! 433 00:38:38,788 --> 00:38:40,623 Jesus! Christ! 434 00:38:48,031 --> 00:38:49,098 Oh fuck! 435 00:38:49,100 --> 00:38:50,132 What have you done? 436 00:38:50,134 --> 00:38:51,100 Oh, nothing. 437 00:38:51,102 --> 00:38:52,301 I don't hear any alarms! 438 00:38:52,303 --> 00:38:55,237 Um, you'll be hearing some bells in a minute. 439 00:38:55,239 --> 00:38:57,806 Okay, I honestly can't believe I'm gonna say this, but... 440 00:38:57,808 --> 00:38:59,274 have we got company?! 441 00:38:59,276 --> 00:39:01,310 Errr... Zombie Elf! 442 00:39:01,312 --> 00:39:03,445 What?! Where?! 443 00:39:03,447 --> 00:39:04,847 Look, he's gonna be popping up any minute. 444 00:39:04,849 --> 00:39:06,348 Is there anything you can bash his head in with? 445 00:39:06,350 --> 00:39:07,783 With what?! 446 00:39:07,785 --> 00:39:10,119 Are you sure you haven't got any weapons of any kind? 447 00:39:10,121 --> 00:39:12,254 Oh well, only this Taser, 448 00:39:12,256 --> 00:39:13,722 but I'm only meant to use it in emergencies! 449 00:39:13,724 --> 00:39:14,757 You've got a Taser? 450 00:39:14,759 --> 00:39:16,825 No, I haven't got a Taser, you retard! 451 00:39:16,827 --> 00:39:19,161 Now fucking help me! How?! 452 00:39:19,163 --> 00:39:21,130 Think outside the box! Ha! 453 00:39:21,132 --> 00:39:24,433 Well, I dunno! Distract him! 454 00:39:24,435 --> 00:39:26,502 Slit your wrists! Cut your ear off! 455 00:39:26,504 --> 00:39:28,303 Use your brains! 456 00:39:28,305 --> 00:39:29,672 Use your brains! 457 00:39:29,674 --> 00:39:31,373 They eat flesh and blood, don't they? 458 00:39:31,375 --> 00:39:32,708 Besides self-harming, where am I gonna get 459 00:39:32,710 --> 00:39:34,209 blood from? From inside a toilet 460 00:39:34,211 --> 00:39:37,112 cu... bic..cle? 461 00:39:37,714 --> 00:39:39,815 Come and get it! 462 00:39:41,686 --> 00:39:43,919 Oh! 463 00:40:25,462 --> 00:40:27,229 We're okay. Okay. 464 00:40:27,231 --> 00:40:29,898 Be careful! 465 00:40:42,245 --> 00:40:44,012 Be careful! 466 00:41:40,436 --> 00:41:42,504 Hey! Look out! 467 00:41:46,910 --> 00:41:48,544 Woah! 468 00:41:49,179 --> 00:41:51,613 Go, go, go! 469 00:41:52,582 --> 00:41:55,083 Quick, go! Go! 470 00:41:56,386 --> 00:41:58,487 Come on! Quickly! 471 00:41:58,489 --> 00:41:59,855 Do it quick, quick! 472 00:41:59,857 --> 00:42:02,157 Fuck off! 473 00:42:11,267 --> 00:42:13,368 That went well. 474 00:43:19,402 --> 00:43:21,370 He lives! 475 00:43:21,372 --> 00:43:23,005 Oh... 476 00:43:23,007 --> 00:43:24,573 Oh God. 477 00:43:24,575 --> 00:43:26,608 I was hoping I had slept through Christmas! 478 00:43:26,610 --> 00:43:29,678 Nope, still one more sleep. 479 00:43:29,680 --> 00:43:31,079 One more sleep. 480 00:43:31,081 --> 00:43:32,848 Wish these fuckers would sleep. 481 00:43:32,850 --> 00:43:35,851 God, I am sick and tired of zombies. 482 00:43:35,853 --> 00:43:37,886 Tired and sick! 483 00:43:37,888 --> 00:43:40,355 Ah! Zombies! 484 00:43:41,925 --> 00:43:44,059 You know, now we know that zombies are real. 485 00:43:44,061 --> 00:43:45,894 I wonder if other stuff's real too? 486 00:43:45,896 --> 00:43:46,895 What like? 487 00:43:46,897 --> 00:43:48,964 Ah, I don't know? You know like... 488 00:43:48,966 --> 00:43:51,633 Frankensteins or... 489 00:43:51,635 --> 00:43:54,269 Pikachus or... 490 00:43:54,271 --> 00:43:55,570 dinosaurs? 491 00:43:55,572 --> 00:43:56,972 Wanna make another bet? 492 00:43:56,974 --> 00:43:59,374 Fuck you. 493 00:43:59,376 --> 00:44:01,576 Are you okay? Pain. 494 00:44:01,578 --> 00:44:02,444 Hang on. 495 00:44:02,446 --> 00:44:04,313 When you were out for the count... 496 00:44:04,315 --> 00:44:06,315 I popped out and did a little bit 497 00:44:06,317 --> 00:44:07,950 of last minute Christmas shopping. 498 00:44:07,952 --> 00:44:09,751 Yeah? Yep. 499 00:44:09,753 --> 00:44:12,721 The missiles are flying! 500 00:44:13,556 --> 00:44:15,524 It's a Christmas present. 501 00:44:17,260 --> 00:44:18,660 It's not Christmas yet. 502 00:44:18,662 --> 00:44:21,129 Aw, didn't your mummy ever sneak you an early gift 503 00:44:21,131 --> 00:44:24,499 I was lucky if I was sneaked a gift on Christmas day. 504 00:44:24,501 --> 00:44:26,268 Open it. 505 00:44:26,270 --> 00:44:27,669 Better not be what I think it is. 506 00:44:27,671 --> 00:44:29,271 Yeah, they were all out of Turbo-Men. 507 00:44:29,273 --> 00:44:33,442 Open it. "It's Turbo Time!" 508 00:44:33,444 --> 00:44:34,476 Mmm. 509 00:44:34,478 --> 00:44:36,745 Come on. It'll take the pain away! 510 00:44:36,747 --> 00:44:38,880 Yeah. Jeepers creepers! 511 00:44:38,882 --> 00:44:40,849 You know what, you should thank your lucky stars 512 00:44:40,851 --> 00:44:42,617 that you didn't have to learn to appreciate gifts 513 00:44:42,619 --> 00:44:44,019 the way I did. 514 00:44:44,021 --> 00:44:45,854 What do you mean? 515 00:44:45,856 --> 00:44:48,690 Okay, When I was 15... 516 00:44:48,692 --> 00:44:50,859 all I wanted for Christmas was my ears pierced. 517 00:44:50,861 --> 00:44:54,129 I mean, like, I really wanted them pierced. 518 00:44:54,131 --> 00:44:56,498 By this time, all my friends were wearing earrings. 519 00:44:56,500 --> 00:44:59,534 I was the only one making do with these shitty clip-ons. 520 00:44:59,536 --> 00:45:01,937 And I knew my mum was dead set against it but... 521 00:45:01,939 --> 00:45:04,373 You know, I thought I had a chance if I buttered up Daddy. 522 00:45:04,375 --> 00:45:06,475 So, the week before Christmas, 523 00:45:06,477 --> 00:45:08,543 mummy was out getting the turkey, 524 00:45:08,545 --> 00:45:11,146 and Daddy and I were left alone, trimming the tree. 525 00:45:11,148 --> 00:45:15,150 I asked him if I could, you know, get 'em pierced. 526 00:45:15,152 --> 00:45:18,186 He ummed and he ahhed and he did the whole 527 00:45:18,188 --> 00:45:21,456 usual cliche'd responsible parent bullshit, but... 528 00:45:21,458 --> 00:45:23,558 I gave him the Disney Princess eyes 529 00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:25,394 and the little girl pout. 530 00:45:25,396 --> 00:45:28,230 I put up a good fight. 531 00:45:28,232 --> 00:45:31,900 So... after some serious thought, 532 00:45:31,902 --> 00:45:33,902 Daddy strolled over to the liquor cabinet, 533 00:45:33,904 --> 00:45:35,203 poured himself some egg nog, 534 00:45:35,205 --> 00:45:37,506 drew the curtains and then, yeah, 535 00:45:37,508 --> 00:45:40,475 he told me I could get my ears pierced... 536 00:45:40,477 --> 00:45:43,512 if I sucked his dick. 537 00:45:43,514 --> 00:45:45,313 So, yeah, I soon learned that I, 538 00:45:45,315 --> 00:45:47,416 I must've inherited my bargaining skills from him, 539 00:45:47,418 --> 00:45:49,351 because as "Do They Know it's Christmas" 540 00:45:49,353 --> 00:45:51,820 played in the background, my knees were... 541 00:45:51,822 --> 00:45:53,588 sinking into the shag pile, 542 00:45:53,590 --> 00:45:56,391 and I was unzipping Daddy's chords and... 543 00:45:56,393 --> 00:45:58,727 I put my lips around his cock and... 544 00:45:58,729 --> 00:46:00,228 started blowing him and... 545 00:46:00,230 --> 00:46:02,264 even though it was the first dick I'd ever sucked, 546 00:46:02,266 --> 00:46:04,533 I knew something wasn't right. It... 547 00:46:04,535 --> 00:46:08,270 It tasted strange. 548 00:46:08,272 --> 00:46:10,205 I pulled his boner out of my mouth, 549 00:46:10,207 --> 00:46:12,407 and I started spitting. 550 00:46:12,409 --> 00:46:14,242 "What's wrong, Sweetie?" he said. 551 00:46:14,244 --> 00:46:18,547 "Ooh, daddy! Your dick tastes of poo-poo!" 552 00:46:18,549 --> 00:46:20,916 Daddy looked me in the eyes, and he said, 553 00:46:20,918 --> 00:46:24,753 "Yeah, that's because your brother wants a computer." 554 00:46:31,561 --> 00:46:33,595 Ah, it's good isn't it! 555 00:46:44,707 --> 00:46:47,976 Computer! Computer! 556 00:46:47,978 --> 00:46:50,145 I.T.! 557 00:46:50,147 --> 00:46:51,246 Fucking I.T.! 558 00:46:51,248 --> 00:46:52,747 What floor is this?! Seventh floor. 559 00:46:52,749 --> 00:46:54,316 Seventh floor! Fuck! 560 00:46:54,318 --> 00:46:55,584 Shit! Fuck! 561 00:46:55,586 --> 00:46:56,451 I.T.'s above us! 562 00:46:56,453 --> 00:46:57,752 Yeah. Jeff's dead, okay? 563 00:46:57,754 --> 00:46:59,354 Your hang-ups can die with him. 564 00:46:59,356 --> 00:47:01,022 No, no, no, no! I.T.'s on the eighth. 565 00:47:01,024 --> 00:47:02,791 Which means... 566 00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:05,594 Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! 567 00:47:05,596 --> 00:47:07,929 Motherfucking yes! Motherfucking what? 568 00:47:07,931 --> 00:47:10,432 I.T.'s above us. Which means the hub... 569 00:47:10,434 --> 00:47:11,099 The what? 570 00:47:11,101 --> 00:47:12,801 The hub. 571 00:47:12,803 --> 00:47:17,072 Yeah, I really don't need to upgrade my Dell right now. 572 00:47:17,074 --> 00:47:18,940 No, no, no, no, no. There's a crawlspace. 573 00:47:18,942 --> 00:47:19,741 A crawlspace? 574 00:47:19,743 --> 00:47:21,543 Yeah, yeah... 575 00:47:24,882 --> 00:47:26,281 Hello?! 576 00:47:26,283 --> 00:47:29,184 Ooh. Aah. 577 00:47:29,186 --> 00:47:31,453 Uh. Yeah, uh. 578 00:47:31,455 --> 00:47:32,287 What was I saying? 579 00:47:32,289 --> 00:47:33,488 Are you okay? 580 00:47:33,490 --> 00:47:35,257 No. Oh, shit. 581 00:47:35,259 --> 00:47:36,591 Have you popped the pill? 582 00:47:36,593 --> 00:47:38,560 Yeah. Okay, listen to me. 583 00:47:38,562 --> 00:47:44,099 We need to get out of here. Okay, you need to focus. 584 00:47:44,101 --> 00:47:46,468 Hmm... 585 00:47:46,470 --> 00:47:49,271 But the queen is swimming in my toilet. 586 00:47:49,273 --> 00:47:50,172 Hello! 587 00:47:50,174 --> 00:47:52,274 Oh poo! He's a light weight. 588 00:47:52,276 --> 00:47:53,942 Okay, dude! Dude, listen up! 589 00:47:53,944 --> 00:47:54,943 Err? 590 00:47:54,945 --> 00:47:56,711 Okay, you're gonna have to sweat this out. 591 00:47:56,713 --> 00:47:58,613 Yeah, you're gonna have to get this out of your system 592 00:47:58,615 --> 00:48:01,650 Ibiza style. Ooh! 593 00:48:01,652 --> 00:48:03,652 Hello? 594 00:48:03,654 --> 00:48:05,487 Hello! 595 00:48:05,489 --> 00:48:08,823 Santa's coming to my house! 596 00:48:08,825 --> 00:48:11,393 Right. Okay. 597 00:48:15,798 --> 00:48:17,832 Ooh, now this is good! We can use this. 598 00:48:17,834 --> 00:48:19,734 We can use this! 599 00:48:19,736 --> 00:48:22,237 Now the party really has started! 600 00:48:22,239 --> 00:48:23,438 Wooh! Are you dancing? 601 00:48:23,440 --> 00:48:24,973 This is the Christmas party, isn't it?! 602 00:48:24,975 --> 00:48:26,641 Come on! Move it, mister! 603 00:48:26,643 --> 00:48:27,976 Oh. Come on, you! 604 00:48:27,978 --> 00:48:30,178 Get up and shake that boo-tay! 605 00:48:30,180 --> 00:48:32,380 Err, think I'm hemorrhaging. 606 00:48:32,382 --> 00:48:33,715 You know you want to! 607 00:48:33,717 --> 00:48:36,017 Let's party like it's the last night on earth! 608 00:48:36,019 --> 00:48:37,485 Errr... Come on! 609 00:48:37,487 --> 00:48:41,356 Get up and show that toilet duct what you're made of. 610 00:48:50,233 --> 00:48:52,067 That's better. 611 00:48:52,069 --> 00:48:54,636 Pick up the pace, granddad! 612 00:49:04,046 --> 00:49:06,948 Hey, Swayze! You okay?! 613 00:49:06,950 --> 00:49:08,717 Er, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! 614 00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:09,784 You sure? 615 00:49:09,786 --> 00:49:12,053 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wearing off. 616 00:49:12,055 --> 00:49:13,855 It's totally wearing off. 617 00:51:11,774 --> 00:51:13,975 Hey! 618 00:51:13,977 --> 00:51:17,045 Hey! Hey! 619 00:51:18,314 --> 00:51:19,748 Hey! 620 00:51:20,416 --> 00:51:21,349 Huh? 621 00:51:21,351 --> 00:51:23,418 I've been calling you for 45 minutes! 622 00:51:23,420 --> 00:51:25,720 Are you detoxed yet?! 623 00:51:28,991 --> 00:51:30,725 Yeah. 624 00:51:30,727 --> 00:51:32,260 You know, I think we're onto something. 625 00:51:32,262 --> 00:51:34,863 A party in a toilet. It's genius! 626 00:51:34,865 --> 00:51:36,498 Urination is expected of you 627 00:51:36,500 --> 00:51:38,066 and it doesn't matter if you puke! 628 00:51:40,404 --> 00:51:41,536 You know... 629 00:51:41,538 --> 00:51:43,104 You really didn't strike me as the kind of girl 630 00:51:43,106 --> 00:51:45,340 who sells herself to the highest bidder on Christmas Eve. 631 00:51:45,342 --> 00:51:48,543 What kind of girl do I strike you as? 632 00:51:48,545 --> 00:51:50,211 One that's better than that. 633 00:51:50,213 --> 00:51:52,614 Well, appearances can be deceiving. 634 00:51:52,616 --> 00:51:55,250 You don't strike me as a low-life thief. 635 00:51:55,252 --> 00:51:57,819 Ah, what? 636 00:51:57,821 --> 00:51:59,254 You really don't strike me as the kind of guy 637 00:51:59,256 --> 00:52:01,389 who swipes his boss's tool box, 638 00:52:01,391 --> 00:52:03,625 the kind of guy who steals a load of cash... 639 00:52:03,627 --> 00:52:04,926 charity cash... 640 00:52:04,928 --> 00:52:07,195 on Christmas Eve. Woah, woah, woah! 641 00:52:07,197 --> 00:52:08,897 That's not my fault, okay? It's not! 642 00:52:08,899 --> 00:52:11,366 They accused me of nicking toilet paper, which I didn't do! 643 00:52:11,368 --> 00:52:13,568 I didn't! But they fired me anyways. 644 00:52:13,570 --> 00:52:14,736 I'm low on funds, so I thought. 645 00:52:14,738 --> 00:52:15,937 "Fuck it! I'm gonna nick as much stuff 646 00:52:15,939 --> 00:52:17,472 as I can before I fuck off." 647 00:52:17,474 --> 00:52:20,208 Aw, you're like a reverse Santa Claus! 648 00:52:20,210 --> 00:52:22,877 So, you thieve hard-earned charity money 649 00:52:22,879 --> 00:52:24,946 and steal belongings from your work colleagues 650 00:52:24,948 --> 00:52:27,282 at Christmastime? Wow! 651 00:52:27,284 --> 00:52:30,585 You're shaping up to be a real champion of champions! 652 00:52:30,587 --> 00:52:31,920 Bet you're wishing you'd waited 'til I was done 653 00:52:31,922 --> 00:52:32,821 shaking my booty, 654 00:52:32,823 --> 00:52:35,156 then you'd be three grand better off. 655 00:52:35,158 --> 00:52:36,424 Looks like once again, 656 00:52:36,426 --> 00:52:38,960 you took a gamble that didn't pay off. 657 00:52:38,962 --> 00:52:41,162 Hey, if I'm doing the time. I'm doing the crime, okay? 658 00:52:41,164 --> 00:52:42,931 I'm only doing this so I can pay my mum's rent 659 00:52:42,933 --> 00:52:44,632 before New Year's. Your mum? 660 00:52:44,634 --> 00:52:46,100 Yeah, yeah, yeah! My M... 661 00:52:46,102 --> 00:52:49,838 I thought you said you haven't seen your mum in years. 662 00:52:49,840 --> 00:52:51,906 No, I haven't spoken to her in years. 663 00:52:51,908 --> 00:52:53,575 Well wait. 664 00:52:53,577 --> 00:52:58,112 So you live with your mother. But you don't speak to her? 665 00:52:58,114 --> 00:52:59,614 Is that right?! 666 00:52:59,616 --> 00:53:03,017 You're like an undercover mummy's boy! 667 00:53:03,019 --> 00:53:05,186 Look, at least I'm the one telling the truth here, okay? 668 00:53:05,188 --> 00:53:06,221 The shit's meant to go in the crapper, 669 00:53:06,223 --> 00:53:07,922 not spray out of your fucking gob. 670 00:53:07,924 --> 00:53:11,292 Ah, accuse me of having verbal diarrhea, if you will. 671 00:53:11,294 --> 00:53:15,497 But not talking things out can seriously damage your health. 672 00:53:15,499 --> 00:53:19,434 I'm guessing this whole zombie outbreak thingy 673 00:53:19,436 --> 00:53:22,036 was probably caused by some stupid fucker 674 00:53:22,038 --> 00:53:25,773 keeping things bottled up like a B-list celebrity fragrance. 675 00:53:25,775 --> 00:53:27,475 Probably some mad scientist 676 00:53:27,477 --> 00:53:29,811 too proud to tell his lab assistant 677 00:53:29,813 --> 00:53:31,379 that his bits were dropping off. 678 00:53:31,381 --> 00:53:35,183 Or he was beginning to hanker for a brain sandwich. 679 00:53:35,185 --> 00:53:37,552 And now look! 680 00:53:37,554 --> 00:53:40,188 Life's too short to harbor silly grudges. 681 00:53:40,190 --> 00:53:42,156 So if... Sorry! 682 00:53:42,158 --> 00:53:44,692 When... you get out of here... 683 00:53:44,694 --> 00:53:47,395 Give yourself a Christmas present. 684 00:53:47,397 --> 00:53:49,697 Call your fucking mum. 685 00:53:49,699 --> 00:53:52,033 She deserves it. 686 00:53:53,068 --> 00:53:54,903 You deserve it. 687 00:53:58,073 --> 00:53:59,974 Wait a minute! 688 00:53:59,976 --> 00:54:00,742 What? 689 00:54:00,744 --> 00:54:02,076 Your phone?! 690 00:54:02,078 --> 00:54:03,444 The one that's full of brains and piss! 691 00:54:03,446 --> 00:54:07,982 It wouldn't happen to be a black Modasung, would it? 692 00:54:07,984 --> 00:54:10,018 Yeah. Fuck! 693 00:54:10,020 --> 00:54:11,452 So the reason I couldn't call for help! 694 00:54:11,454 --> 00:54:12,720 The very second this thing went down. 695 00:54:12,722 --> 00:54:15,423 The reason I can't call my family to check if they're okay, 696 00:54:15,425 --> 00:54:18,192 was because you stole my phone from my desk, 697 00:54:18,194 --> 00:54:22,063 to film two drunken bimbos experimenting in a sink?! 698 00:54:22,065 --> 00:54:23,932 Oh, you are a pig! 699 00:54:23,934 --> 00:54:24,933 It's nothing personal! 700 00:54:24,935 --> 00:54:26,334 I thought it belonged to that fat chick. 701 00:54:26,336 --> 00:54:30,338 You're a fucking disgrace! Oh Jesus, come on! 702 00:54:30,340 --> 00:54:32,740 Shit! 703 00:54:40,883 --> 00:54:43,585 So what's this "amazing" plan?! 704 00:54:47,356 --> 00:54:49,524 Uh... Right. 705 00:54:49,526 --> 00:54:51,025 Wow. Yeah, okay. 706 00:54:51,027 --> 00:54:54,262 Err, if the blueprints in the office are right... 707 00:54:54,264 --> 00:54:56,364 there should be an access panel about... 708 00:54:56,366 --> 00:54:57,865 ten feet east. 709 00:54:57,867 --> 00:54:59,334 Well, how does that help us?! 710 00:54:59,336 --> 00:55:01,302 If we can get into the crawlspace... 711 00:55:01,304 --> 00:55:02,637 we can shimmy our way to the access panel 712 00:55:02,639 --> 00:55:03,972 and be home in time for Christmas. 713 00:55:03,974 --> 00:55:06,074 Yeah, I thought you hated Christmas. 714 00:55:06,076 --> 00:55:08,242 Ho, ho, fucking ho. 715 00:55:08,244 --> 00:55:10,378 So, how wide's this crawlspace? 716 00:55:10,380 --> 00:55:11,579 Couple of feet, I guess. 717 00:55:11,581 --> 00:55:13,448 I might have to suck in the guts but you'll be okay. 718 00:55:13,450 --> 00:55:17,552 This is never gonna work. 719 00:55:17,554 --> 00:55:21,789 How are we gonna get in there? 720 00:55:21,791 --> 00:55:24,726 Err, hold on a sec. 721 00:55:34,937 --> 00:55:37,071 What the fuck are you doing?! 722 00:55:38,607 --> 00:55:40,274 This is gypsum board. 723 00:55:40,276 --> 00:55:42,310 This is two sheets of gypsum. I can knock through this. 724 00:55:42,312 --> 00:55:43,845 I can bash through this. 725 00:55:43,847 --> 00:55:45,480 With what?! 726 00:55:46,515 --> 00:55:48,182 My hammer. 727 00:56:26,388 --> 00:56:28,189 Who the hell is that?! 728 00:56:28,191 --> 00:56:30,391 It's my boss. 729 00:56:30,393 --> 00:56:34,028 Shit, shit. 730 00:56:34,030 --> 00:56:37,432 Shit. Shit. 731 00:56:56,351 --> 00:56:59,520 I'm scared. I'm really, really scared! 732 00:56:59,522 --> 00:57:02,623 Oh god! Do something! 733 00:57:06,061 --> 00:57:07,562 Hey Charlie! 734 00:57:07,564 --> 00:57:09,430 Hey Charlie, up here! How ya doing? 735 00:57:09,432 --> 00:57:10,364 You alright? 736 00:57:10,366 --> 00:57:12,066 Oh, Merry Christmas and all that. 737 00:57:12,068 --> 00:57:14,102 Um, look, about your tools... 738 00:57:14,104 --> 00:57:16,170 uh, yeah. I was actually polishing them. 739 00:57:16,172 --> 00:57:17,605 The season of goodwill and all that. 740 00:57:17,607 --> 00:57:19,273 But I had to throw them all away 741 00:57:19,275 --> 00:57:21,442 so I could fit in the money which I stole! 742 00:57:21,444 --> 00:57:23,611 Oh fuck! What are you doing?! 743 00:57:23,613 --> 00:57:26,514 Getting hammered! 744 00:57:26,516 --> 00:57:29,885 Jesus! 745 00:57:48,437 --> 00:57:50,438 Watch it! Come on! 746 00:57:50,440 --> 00:57:52,306 Hurry up! 747 00:57:53,442 --> 00:57:56,377 Evie, I've got it! I've got it! 748 00:58:00,482 --> 00:58:02,250 What's happening?! 749 00:58:02,252 --> 00:58:04,552 What?! 750 00:58:14,329 --> 00:58:16,430 No! 751 00:58:16,432 --> 00:58:18,466 Oh my God! No, no, no! 752 00:58:18,468 --> 00:58:19,934 Are you sure?! Did you... 753 00:58:22,172 --> 00:58:23,938 Fuck it! Oh shit! 754 00:58:23,940 --> 00:58:25,673 Fuck! Fuck! 755 00:58:25,675 --> 00:58:29,544 Oh my God! 756 00:58:31,513 --> 00:58:35,316 Oh God, I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry! 757 00:58:35,318 --> 00:58:38,519 You shouldn't have bothered to try to save me. 758 00:58:38,521 --> 00:58:40,354 Why not?! 759 00:58:40,356 --> 00:58:42,256 You're worth 3000 pounds. 760 00:58:42,258 --> 00:58:43,858 You know I'm not! 761 00:58:43,860 --> 00:58:47,328 And I'm sorry for calling you a disgrace. 762 00:58:47,330 --> 00:58:49,730 I know you're not a bad guy. 763 00:58:49,732 --> 00:58:51,966 I know there's a conscience hidden under that... 764 00:58:51,968 --> 00:58:53,835 grease-stained cap and all your... 765 00:58:53,837 --> 00:58:56,537 "me against the world" bullshit. 766 00:58:56,539 --> 00:58:58,773 I mean, who else steals from their place of work 767 00:58:58,775 --> 00:59:01,609 on their last day but... completes their shift? 768 00:59:04,447 --> 00:59:06,747 What? 769 00:59:12,487 --> 00:59:13,754 What?! 770 00:59:14,857 --> 00:59:16,991 Charlie bit me! What?! 771 00:59:16,993 --> 00:59:18,492 Charlie bit me! 772 00:59:18,494 --> 00:59:21,395 What, what?! 773 00:59:30,073 --> 00:59:31,906 Oh my God! Ah, ah! 774 00:59:31,908 --> 00:59:34,075 Oh, gross! 775 00:59:58,166 --> 00:59:59,533 What are you doing?! 776 00:59:59,535 --> 01:00:02,303 Get ready for our first date! 777 01:01:31,327 --> 01:01:33,527 It's me you idiot! 778 01:01:33,529 --> 01:01:36,430 Right, okay. Err... 779 01:01:36,432 --> 01:01:37,631 Stand back! 780 01:01:37,633 --> 01:01:40,434 I'm gonna started on the wall okay! 781 01:01:42,037 --> 01:01:45,106 Okay? 782 01:02:01,857 --> 01:02:05,960 I can see... 783 01:02:05,962 --> 01:02:07,528 you. 784 01:02:07,530 --> 01:02:11,832 I told you this isn't gonna work. 785 01:02:11,834 --> 01:02:14,068 Your name isn't Evie, is it? 786 01:02:17,005 --> 01:02:18,706 You're Heather the... Oh, go on say it. 787 01:02:18,708 --> 01:02:19,840 Just say it! 788 01:02:19,842 --> 01:02:23,377 Heather the Heifer! Heather the fucking Heifer! 789 01:02:23,379 --> 01:02:26,013 I should've known. I should've known! 790 01:02:26,015 --> 01:02:27,314 How could I have been so dumb?! 791 01:02:27,316 --> 01:02:28,816 So fucking dumb?! 792 01:02:28,818 --> 01:02:30,518 Why? Why would Jeff... 793 01:02:30,520 --> 01:02:32,319 Jeff from IT., 794 01:02:32,321 --> 01:02:37,058 be interested in a disgusting blob like me? 795 01:02:37,060 --> 01:02:39,827 So yeah, I am "the fat chick." 796 01:02:39,829 --> 01:02:43,531 And I was crying when you met me because they'd set me up. 797 01:02:43,533 --> 01:02:44,665 They told me to come in here 798 01:02:44,667 --> 01:02:46,734 and wait for my Christmas present? 799 01:02:46,736 --> 01:02:50,171 And guess what? It never came. 800 01:02:50,173 --> 01:02:53,340 So, the only reason that I'm stuck in this upright coffin 801 01:02:53,342 --> 01:02:55,342 is 'cos I'm dumb. 802 01:02:55,344 --> 01:02:59,146 Dumb, fat and desperate. 803 01:02:59,148 --> 01:03:01,015 The big girl who will never get the guy. 804 01:03:01,017 --> 01:03:05,453 And never, ever fit in that crawlspace. 805 01:03:05,455 --> 01:03:06,454 Look, Heather... 806 01:03:06,456 --> 01:03:07,922 I don't even know these people. 807 01:03:07,924 --> 01:03:10,057 I wasn't even invited to the Christmas party. 808 01:03:10,059 --> 01:03:12,793 Yeah, I know that. I knew all along. 809 01:03:12,795 --> 01:03:14,728 You're too nice. 810 01:03:14,730 --> 01:03:17,798 I'm sorry I stole your phone. 811 01:03:17,800 --> 01:03:18,933 Yeah well... 812 01:03:18,935 --> 01:03:22,036 I'm sorry I laughed at the fact that you got no job 813 01:03:22,038 --> 01:03:25,940 and you live with your mum. 814 01:03:25,942 --> 01:03:28,209 I wanna thank you for this evening. 815 01:03:28,211 --> 01:03:32,913 'Cos this was my first, only and last date. 816 01:03:32,915 --> 01:03:36,383 And it was a delight. 817 01:03:36,385 --> 01:03:37,585 Last? 818 01:03:37,587 --> 01:03:39,353 I know you don't celebrate, but... 819 01:03:39,355 --> 01:03:41,922 I'm gonna give you your Christmas present early. 820 01:03:41,924 --> 01:03:43,224 What do you mean? 821 01:03:43,226 --> 01:03:45,226 You really don't need me weighing you down. 822 01:03:45,228 --> 01:03:46,660 Heather, don't touch that. 823 01:03:46,662 --> 01:03:48,462 Wish your mum a Merry Christmas for me. 824 01:03:48,464 --> 01:03:50,197 Heather, don't fucking touch that! 825 01:03:50,199 --> 01:03:51,532 It's a Christmas party! Heather. 826 01:03:51,534 --> 01:03:53,501 Somebody's gotta do something stupid. 827 01:03:53,503 --> 01:03:55,136 Heather, don't... Fuck! 828 01:04:04,847 --> 01:04:09,049 No! No! 829 01:05:28,864 --> 01:05:29,897 Use your brains! 830 01:05:29,899 --> 01:05:33,867 Use your brains! 831 01:05:33,869 --> 01:05:37,771 Use your brains! 832 01:05:37,773 --> 01:05:41,675 Use your brains! 833 01:05:43,311 --> 01:05:45,512 Brains! 834 01:05:45,514 --> 01:05:48,916 Brains! Brains! 835 01:05:48,918 --> 01:05:54,588 Brains, brains! 836 01:05:54,590 --> 01:05:58,759 Brains! Brains! 837 01:05:58,761 --> 01:06:02,796 Brains, brains! 838 01:06:34,229 --> 01:06:35,262 You're a dick! 839 01:06:35,264 --> 01:06:37,164 A low-life thief. I don't wanna hear it! 840 01:06:37,166 --> 01:06:39,433 You are shaping up to be a real champion of champions. 841 01:06:39,435 --> 01:06:40,601 You're a fucking disgrace! 842 01:06:40,603 --> 01:06:43,170 Once again, you took a gamble that didn't pay off. 843 01:06:43,172 --> 01:06:44,104 You are a pig! 844 01:06:44,106 --> 01:06:45,673 You're an undercover mummy's boy! 845 01:06:45,675 --> 01:06:47,908 Mummy's boy. Mummy's boy. 846 01:06:47,910 --> 01:06:50,544 Brains! 847 01:10:30,865 --> 01:10:33,867 Evie? 848 01:10:37,972 --> 01:10:41,475 Are you all, like, weird like those fuck-ups upstairs? 849 01:10:41,477 --> 01:10:43,744 Err... 850 01:10:43,746 --> 01:10:46,813 No. 851 01:10:51,686 --> 01:10:53,687 Thank Christ. 852 01:10:53,689 --> 01:10:56,723 Top floor is full of 'em. They're like so annoying. 853 01:11:11,439 --> 01:11:13,907 God, I hope Holly's alive. 854 01:11:16,110 --> 01:11:18,045 I just wanna see the look on her fugly face 855 01:11:18,047 --> 01:11:19,846 when I tell her I went for three grand 856 01:11:19,848 --> 01:11:20,948 at the Christmas Auction! 857 01:11:20,950 --> 01:11:25,786 Three fucking grand! It's a company record. 858 01:11:25,788 --> 01:11:31,224 It's lucky I didn't get this 'til after. 859 01:11:31,226 --> 01:11:34,461 Woulda got deducted points. 860 01:11:34,463 --> 01:11:37,130 You got bit? Yeah... 861 01:11:37,132 --> 01:11:39,466 Geoff from Accounts. 862 01:11:39,468 --> 01:11:43,103 It's so inappropriate and unprofessional. 863 01:11:43,105 --> 01:11:47,307 Why does this thing take so fucking long?! 864 01:11:49,344 --> 01:11:53,880 I swear Holly only made 700 plus change. 865 01:11:53,882 --> 01:11:56,950 I said to her... 866 01:11:57,051 --> 01:12:01,121 I said, "Heather the Heifer could've done better!" 867 01:12:04,559 --> 01:12:09,529 Heather... Heather didn't make it. 868 01:12:09,531 --> 01:12:12,566 Aww. Heather the Heifer. 869 01:12:13,534 --> 01:12:16,169 D'you know she seriously thought Jeff from I.T. 870 01:12:16,171 --> 01:12:18,839 was gonna bang her this evening? 871 01:12:20,642 --> 01:12:23,010 Uh, he's umm... 872 01:12:23,012 --> 01:12:24,978 He's looking for you. 873 01:12:24,980 --> 01:12:27,414 What, really?! Wait! 874 01:12:27,416 --> 01:12:29,816 Jeff from I.T.?! Jefferoni?! 875 01:12:29,818 --> 01:12:32,152 Jefferson Airplane?! Jeff from I.T.?! 876 01:12:32,154 --> 01:12:35,656 Really?! He's here?! 877 01:12:36,591 --> 01:12:39,259 Smell ya later! 878 01:12:39,261 --> 01:12:41,228 Hey, Evie! 879 01:12:44,265 --> 01:12:46,400 Merry Christmas. 880 01:14:28,469 --> 01:14:31,538 Hey! Hey mum! 881 01:14:31,540 --> 01:14:35,142 It's me. 882 01:14:35,144 --> 01:14:36,643 What do you mean "who?" 883 01:14:36,645 --> 01:14:38,545 Me, your son? 884 01:14:38,547 --> 01:14:40,480 Yeah. 885 01:14:40,482 --> 01:14:43,483 Are you okay? Yeah, I... 886 01:14:43,485 --> 01:14:44,851 A work jacket and a cap. Yeah, I'm warm enough. 887 01:14:44,853 --> 01:14:48,021 Yeah, mum? Are you okay? 888 01:14:48,023 --> 01:14:50,457 Okay, just lock all the doors and the windows. 889 01:14:50,459 --> 01:14:53,126 Just check, okay? 890 01:14:53,128 --> 01:14:55,962 Because I'm worried! 891 01:14:55,964 --> 01:14:59,766 Because I'm your son and you're my mum. 892 01:14:59,768 --> 01:15:03,303 And someone told me to. 893 01:15:03,305 --> 01:15:05,839 A friend. 894 01:15:05,841 --> 01:15:07,774 Look Mum, I've got, yeah, a work jacket and a cap. 895 01:15:07,776 --> 01:15:10,844 Yeah, mum, I'm fine. Look, I've gotta go. 896 01:15:10,846 --> 01:15:12,679 I'll be home in time for Christmas. 897 01:15:12,681 --> 01:15:14,181 Okay? 898 01:15:14,183 --> 01:15:16,416 Yeah. 899 01:15:26,260 --> 01:15:28,094 I need the toilet.