1 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,396 trying to forge mind-body connections. " 2 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:32,534 And then he said," Right, pull up the front of your finger like a sled. " 3 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,292 Minor adjustments 4 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:43,328 Let me close my butt. 5 00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,884 So my wife says, " Wait for me, I'm not ready. " 6 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:54,506 And I hold my land. I go," I won't wait You 7 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,894 Because you are a late person I am a timely person. 8 00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:59,061 I don't want to enter into our marriage 9 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,520 Because I feel like This goes very well so far. " 10 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,481 Try to place a positive spin on it. 11 00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,562 And he goes," OK. " 12 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:08,107 Passive aggressive classic for people who are late. mat beside your mat, for me, in class. " 13 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,778 14 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:18,083 15 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:20,659 I said, "Clo, I won't do that 16 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:25,171 Because I am more loyal to my partner when people 17 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,545 than I do for you, my wife." 18 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,763 And that doesn't work well. 19 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,220 And so on-- 20 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,261 So, I feel bad. 21 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:42,597 And then I arrived in class, and I put my eyes on. 22 00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:45,694 Then I put the mat next to my death for my wife. 23 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:49,520 And this woman appeared, she left, "Do you mind if I put my mat here?" 24 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,897 I'm like, "Actually, my wife..." 25 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:57,817 Sometimes I'm very polite, I didn't even finish the sentence. 26 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,040 This other woman appears, she goes... 27 00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,038 I'm like... 28 00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,418 We are like different whales. 29 00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:16,427 Which is another pose I'm working on. 30 00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:24,061 Class filled, 100% full, wall-to-wall hug. 31 00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:31,021 Except for the blank mat beside my mat, because my wife decides, arbitrarily, 32 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:33,987 he won't come to class that day 33 00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,198 I know! 34 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:39,698 The last person to move! 35 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:42,949 Nothing! 36 00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:50,210 Classes end. 37 00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:52,092 Blank mat 38 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,090 Everyone will assume whether my wife is dead 39 00:11:56,883 --> 00:12:00,683 Or I've found the concept of fiction has a wife 40 00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:04,722 so I can have this weird super wide mat. 41 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:10,308 The most selfish step in the most socialist practice. 42 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:14,976 And this woman appears. He said, "I hope your wife is fine." 43 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:21,120 Which is a yoga way to say, "We hate you." 44 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:29,038 But that's just the side of my story. In justice for my wife, 45 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,793 If he's here tonight, he will be like, "Yeah, but you didn't tell them..." 46 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,746 And I will like, "Sorry, ma'am. There is an ongoing event." 47 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,468 He will be escorted out of the building. 48 00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:42,549 I've done it before, I'll do it again. 49 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:49,229 That's what I like about jokes. They are just the side of your story. 50 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:52,864 They are your opinion, who are not to say they are always just opinions. 51 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:55,979 Sometimes they externalize your inner thoughts, 52 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,567 and often your inner thoughts are inappropriate 53 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,407 I was in my urologist recently. 54 00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:08,830 Just kidding &. No, I have - 55 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,092 I have symptoms. Don't repeat this. 56 00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,005 I have symptoms where-- 57 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,342 This is difficult to say. 58 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,300 I have something where, when my wife and I will have sex, 59 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:29,178 I will have a pin-and-needle sensation in my urethra 60 00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:31,477 when I will ejaculate. 61 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,482 Which was initially very interesting. 62 00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:38,777 Initially, I thought, "Ohh. 63 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:43,074 Maybe this is a new type of orgasm. 64 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,576 Maybe I've already passed it." 65 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:53,792 But then the pain doesn't go away. I'm like, "Oh, no!" 66 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:56,924 It's like when you're eating spicy foods and you like, 67 00:13:57,003 --> 00:14:00,213 "It's hot, it's hot, it's too hot!" 68 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,514 But it's with my cock. 69 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:07,849 The higher the bet is from your tongue, 70 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:12,103 which is your oral penis, by the way. 71 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,269 Nobody calls it that, but - 72 00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:23,279 So, I explained this to my doctor - not in these words-- 73 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:27,873 and he is not affected by it. He said, "This is no big deal. 74 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,540 This might be a muscular thing. 75 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:32,039 You just try too hard When you have sex. " 76 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,581 And I said," You said it to me. " But I don't-- 77 00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:41,708 I didn't say it. I just thought so. I was like... 78 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:44,928 He was like," Is there anything wrong? with your head? "And, uh... 79 00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:49,059 Because I don't talk much off-the-stage jokes 80 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:50,388 I just think of them. 81 00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:52,733 He is like," Is something wrong? with your head? " 82 00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,559 I go," No, I'm a comedian. " 83 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,356 He says," You are a comedian? " 84 00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,145 I go," You are a doctor? " 85 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,775 But I did not say it. think about it I'm like... 86 00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,032 You know? 87 00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:12,616 He really doesn't believe me, he said, "If you're a comedian, 88 00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:14,503 Why aren't you funny now?" 89 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:22,088 What I want to say is I will do it Take the conversation that we have experienced this 90 00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,971 and then repeat to strangers. 91 00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:28,715 And that's the joke. 92 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:33,184 You are a joke... later 93 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,529 But I didn't say it. I just thought about it, and, uh... 94 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,279 I can say this joke. 95 00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:46,861 But when you have your pants on your ankle 96 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,236 and rectum thermometer in your ass, You think, 97 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:50,993 "This may not be the right time." 98 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:58,462 I feel we are led to believe this false cliche from romantic comedy that we all just flog jokes all the time 99 00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:01,421 Like, we meet a girl in a coffee shop 100 00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:03,252 101 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,417 and we are like, "What's in your latte? Cum?" 102 00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:08,676 And he will like, "You're so funny! 103 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,552 We have to get married in 90 minutes." 104 00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:14,097 But in real life, the person was arrested. 105 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:18,476 Or walk for the president. Like, if you think about - 106 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,776 If you think about jokes - 107 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:34,332 If you think of a joke, You can't tell jokes in life, almost ever. 108 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:39,080 Like, at work or school. Or the airport is a good example. 109 00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:43,997 I read a story where a man sneezes in a plane, 110 00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:47,665 look around and he goes, "I have Ebola." 111 00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:57,596 This is why it's not a good joke. 112 00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:00,523 They land on the plane. 113 00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:02,693 They land on the plane. 114 00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:05,152 And they meet people in hazmat clothes 115 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,903 And his defense is, "I'm kidding." 116 00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:12,065 That is always this catch-all defense when people say stupid things. 117 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:15,786 You can't tell jokes at work, basically, because at some point in history, 118 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:19,868 some idiots show up at work, and like, "Good Tits, Betsy!" 119 00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:21,866 And Betsy likes, "What?" 120 00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:27,054 And that person likes, "I'm kidding!" 121 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,419 And the boss is like... 122 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:32,177 "Uh... 123 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,010 there are no more jokes!" 124 00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:41,729 Jokes have been destroyed 125 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:44,811 by bad people when telling jokes 126 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:51,196 A joke can't end with "I'm kidding." 127 00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:53,856 Or "Git-R-Done." 128 00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,879 So, this is the week before I host Gotham Awards, 129 00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,789 and I started writing jokes. 130 00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,667 And it feels like sort of a non-win situation: 131 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,175 How do I make relevant jokes? for people in the audience 132 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,009 but don't make them hate me? 133 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,854 So, I started with a joke about myself. 134 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,220 I wrote, "It is an honor to be here, 135 00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:22,138 because 13 years ago, 136 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:25,346 I was the one who checked my coat on this program. check the coat. " 137 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:30,228 Which one is correct. 138 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:34,859 Yes, I remember that period my life well. 139 00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,414 I'm very bankrupt, and I'm really alive on air mattresses in Queens, 140 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:43,753 and I can't afford a dress table for my clothes 141 00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:47,001 When you go bankrupt, everything is just low to the ground. 142 00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:50,884 Do you know? You-- 143 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:51,963 You roll up your air mattress in the morning, 144 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:57,972 take pants from the floor, 145 00:18:58,054 --> 00:18:59,814 146 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:03,309 You cook noodles on a hot plate. 147 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:06,652 Someone falls from your mouth, You are like, "Not too far away." 148 00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:12,607 The only way you can get lower is if you die 149 00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,412 And I moved to New York 150 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,953 Because there are all of these comedy clubs here, 151 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:26,617 But they don't want me Because I'm not good at it. 152 00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:32,167 So, what I'm doing is I drive my mother's station station all over the country to the lower comedy concentration area, 153 00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,474 places like Ohio, West Virginia, New Jersey, and... 154 00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:38,298 Not a joke, but thank you. 155 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,139 And, actually, I bought my mother's car. 156 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:48,346 I always want to show that because I just found out 157 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,767 that sometimes if parents have faith in their child's dreams... 158 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:54,356 they will give them their car. 159 00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:59,414 160 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,993 My mother gets the full Blue Book value. 161 00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,370 He is like, "This person doesn't have it." 162 00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:08,456 And... 163 00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:11,876 I remember this time 164 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:14,511 where I drive back from a comedy club in New Jersey 165 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,128 to my air mattress in Queens, 166 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:19,045 and this police just pointed at me and my wave ended. 167 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:23,215 When you go bankrupt, the police will pull you If you have a bad car 168 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,175 just to see what's wrong, you know? 169 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,059 Yes. 170 00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,901 And he said, "License and registration." 171 00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:36,401 When I issue my license, I realize it has expired in three weeks. 172 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:41,026 And that's when I thought, "Should I start this conversation? 173 00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:42,945 with this information key?" 174 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,623 Like, "You won't like this." Do you know what I mean? 175 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:48,372 "The same team, we both think I'm a fool." 176 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:49,456 And... 177 00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:55,549 It's actually worse than that. 178 00:20:55,629 --> 00:21:00,719 He returns and says, "Do you know? that your license is suspended?" 179 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:04,143 Yes, I don't even know what it means 180 00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:06,141 I am very naive, so I - 181 00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,523 I have a speeding ticket that has not been paid from high school. 182 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:11,481 So I said to him, and I quote - 183 00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:14,766 I said yes. 184 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:17,942 No. 185 00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:26,664 Wait. What is the meaning & apos; suspended & apos ?; " 186 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:34,958 And he said," Please get out of the car. " And I got out of the car. 187 00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:37,004 He said," You were arrested. " 188 00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:38,957 I said," No, I don't think so. " 189 00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,546 He said, "I'm sure of that." 190 00:21:45,346 --> 00:21:49,096 Then he cuffed me to prove everything. Dan-- 191 00:21:49,183 --> 00:21:52,563 Applause if you have been arrested. Has anyone ever been arrested before? 192 00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:55,899 Some people. What are you-- 193 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:58,611 Can I ask, why were you arrested? 194 00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:05,238 I was arrested by a female police officer and put in a headlock. 195 00:22:06,909 --> 00:22:08,829 I don't like how you say "female police". 196 00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:18,709 That's very annoying. 197 00:22:21,298 --> 00:22:23,178 That's right I'm not-- 198 00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:26,887 I'm fine with that This is a comedy show. Everything can happen. 199 00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:30,471 We are all friends here. But it just rubbed me the wrong way. 200 00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:35,395 You know, women can be police. 201 00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:38,192 This is a kind of part of the whole. 202 00:22:39,942 --> 00:22:41,322 You said you-- 203 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:45,157 You say it like that is an anomaly. 204 00:22:45,239 --> 00:22:47,369 And that, like, everything. 205 00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:53,793 I only say it like that because I've done it get my ball broken 206 00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:55,252 for the past ten years. 207 00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:58,542 Oh well. Well, that doesn't make sense either. 208 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:04,046 But, uh - but surely, yes. So-- 209 00:23:05,134 --> 00:23:11,224 So, this is crazy, out-of-the-way, female police appear. 210 00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:14,437 Well, get this: she's a woman. 211 00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:18,146 Badges and so on 212 00:23:22,860 --> 00:23:26,820 And I said, "Cook me dinner!" You know what he says 213 00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:30,735 He said, "No, you were arrested for committing a crime." 214 00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:37,171 I see... 215 00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,959 Extraordinary. You are really buried at this time. 216 00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:42,755 I mean, there's nothing... 217 00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:45,968 Nothing you can say that will justify you 218 00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:49,675 He puts me in a headlock. 219 00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:52,257 You have said that 220 00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:57,935 I feel like your talk points are all wrong 221 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:06,902 He puts you in a headlock? Why? First of all, what is your crime? 222 00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:12,367 I arrived at the barrel, and I got a cup of beer, 223 00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:15,371 and I'm waiting in line to drink beer. 224 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:19,174 -And... -You leave a lot of details. 225 00:24:21,210 --> 00:24:22,340 Where ?! 226 00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:26,720 Basic details 227 00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:31,892 We don't all have to be Ira Glass, but come on 228 00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:38,479 Where - where is this? 229 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:39,690 It's in the forest. 230 00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:42,855 So-- 231 00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:48,903 So-- 232 00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:56,365 So-- 233 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,750 There are no further questions, Your Honor. 234 00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:08,632 It's in the forest. It's in the forest. 235 00:25:14,513 --> 00:25:17,853 I don't even know women go in the forest. 236 00:25:23,731 --> 00:25:26,021 It feels like seeing Bigfoot. 237 00:25:35,659 --> 00:25:37,619 I will say this about being arrested. 238 00:25:37,703 --> 00:25:40,463 This is a shocking experience if you have never had that happen, 239 00:25:40,539 --> 00:25:44,209 because they handcuffed you, and the handcuffs hurt. 240 00:25:44,293 --> 00:25:47,213 And the police don't have to take you to jail immediately 241 00:25:47,296 --> 00:25:51,466 Like, I was handcuffed in New Jersey and sat behind a cruiser. 242 00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:53,010 I look through the windshield, 243 00:25:53,093 --> 00:25:55,263 the police just hang out with the police friends. 244 00:25:55,345 --> 00:25:59,215 And they laugh, joke, Like, "I hold this person for nothing." 245 00:25:59,308 --> 00:26:02,808 You know, like, "What's the meaning & apos; suspended & apos?" 246 00:26:02,895 --> 00:26:03,895 And... 247 00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:08,856 I experienced the most traumatic moment in my life. 248 00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:11,202 It's like, "I never knew I would be arrested. 249 00:26:11,278 --> 00:26:13,698 I use New Balance shoes." 250 00:26:13,781 --> 00:26:14,991 You know, and - 251 00:26:18,452 --> 00:26:20,622 And I'm nervous because I'm afraid of the police. 252 00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:22,874 I always thought that I was very scared from a bear, 253 00:26:22,956 --> 00:26:27,036 but at least if the bear kills you, Everyone is angry at the bear. 254 00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:28,337 If the police kill you, 255 00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:32,050 30% of Americans like, "This is a difficult job." 256 00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:33,262 Do you know what I mean? 257 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,676 If a bear kills you, they don't have a bear press conference 258 00:26:37,763 --> 00:26:42,143 where all bears stand behind Bears kill in solidarity, 259 00:26:42,226 --> 00:26:44,596 and the commissioner bear steps forward, 260 00:26:44,686 --> 00:26:47,896 and he is like, "He is usually a pretty good bear. 261 00:26:48,982 --> 00:26:53,322 Usually he only eats honey and is not aware of bees." 262 00:26:55,823 --> 00:26:58,953 But the police will kill you. That, like, on the news and everything. 263 00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:00,084 And so on-- 264 00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:06,208 So, I'm nervous and I sweat. I am itching I have an itch on my face. 265 00:27:06,291 --> 00:27:08,211 But I don't have it there are available extremities 266 00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:12,423 So, I look around like the character from No Country for Old Men. 267 00:27:12,506 --> 00:27:16,466 And I see the doorknob. I'm like, "That's pointed." 268 00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:21,812 And I reached out. I scratched my face on the doorknob 269 00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:26,230 which makes it more itchy on my cheeks and shoulders 270 00:27:26,311 --> 00:27:30,321 And then I'm just sort of stretching around, 271 00:27:30,399 --> 00:27:33,649 like a dog that tries to get rid of medical cones 272 00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:37,985 And the policeman looks back. He is like, "We get the living! 273 00:27:39,575 --> 00:27:41,235 What are you doing?" 274 00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:43,826 I'm like, "Will you scratch my face?" 275 00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:50,499 Apparently, they never did that. Not once. 276 00:27:50,586 --> 00:27:53,796 Apparently, no one asked, that was crazy for me 277 00:27:53,881 --> 00:27:56,631 That's why the famous back seat I've been in 278 00:27:56,717 --> 00:27:58,797 It's like a happy fight there... 279 00:27:59,595 --> 00:28:02,135 with ticks I will do anything for scratches 280 00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:04,102 I will like, "I will let you use your rifle," 281 00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:07,352 You know, which is pointy, but obviously dangerous 282 00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:08,436 And so on... 283 00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:12,977 the officer booked me in Weehawken prison, New Jersey. 284 00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:15,396 He even removed his shoes from my shoes 285 00:28:15,485 --> 00:28:17,235 Apparently, This is a very common thing 286 00:28:17,321 --> 00:28:19,451 when a person's license is suspended... 287 00:28:23,911 --> 00:28:26,041 whether they will hang themselves 288 00:28:27,039 --> 00:28:30,499 I don't like to joke about it. This is called post suspension suspension. 289 00:28:30,584 --> 00:28:31,594 This... 290 00:28:35,756 --> 00:28:38,676 all-too-general, less reported. Then-- 291 00:28:40,260 --> 00:28:41,850 Then he took a mug from me. 292 00:28:41,929 --> 00:28:43,969 He knew I had appeared at a comedy club that night. 293 00:28:44,056 --> 00:28:46,846 So, he took one extra, and he put it in his pocket. 294 00:28:46,934 --> 00:28:48,894 He goes, "This is just in case you've been famous." 295 00:28:52,189 --> 00:28:53,859 Which I think is good, you know? 296 00:28:56,109 --> 00:28:58,609 I'm like, "At least he's looking for me." 297 00:29:01,573 --> 00:29:03,663 Of course, he caught me now. 298 00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:08,406 But long term, this person sees it. 299 00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:14,040 Which is more than I can say for my mother. 300 00:29:14,127 --> 00:29:15,337 And so on-- 301 00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:19,549 So, I have this one joke about being a coat checker. 302 00:29:19,633 --> 00:29:23,103 But the more, I became very about hosting this event 303 00:29:23,178 --> 00:29:24,968 So I called Jimmy Kimmel, 304 00:29:25,055 --> 00:29:28,015 Because I think that if I have a video like that, 305 00:29:28,100 --> 00:29:30,890 that might give me some credibility with the audience, 306 00:29:30,978 --> 00:29:35,268 where it feels like every relevant topic will become a minefield 307 00:29:35,357 --> 00:29:38,237 Which is always, by the way, rather happens in comedy 308 00:29:38,318 --> 00:29:41,148 when you appear for certain groups of people. 309 00:29:41,238 --> 00:29:44,658 Like, I remember The most extreme example I have. 310 00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:48,451 I am performing at a Christian college, and, uh... 311 00:29:49,288 --> 00:29:52,208 That is a strange show. In a giant gym, 312 00:29:52,291 --> 00:29:54,841 and there is a 30 foot cross on the wall. 313 00:29:55,544 --> 00:29:58,714 And I think it's funny, because I'm thinking, 314 00:29:59,256 --> 00:30:02,216 Like, if Jesus was there, what would he say 315 00:30:02,301 --> 00:30:05,431 Like, "Use an ellipse!" You know, because - 316 00:30:11,143 --> 00:30:13,403 Because I think a lot about Jesus. 317 00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:15,358 I went to Catholic school for nine years, 318 00:30:15,439 --> 00:30:17,939 and they teach you When you were very young, you were seven years old. 319 00:30:18,025 --> 00:30:20,235 They are like, "There is this person Jesus, and he loves you 320 00:30:20,319 --> 00:30:21,649 And you love him too?" 321 00:30:21,737 --> 00:30:23,277 You are like, "Wait, I know this person?" 322 00:30:23,363 --> 00:30:25,993 And they are like, "Oh, yes, there is this person Jesus, 323 00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:27,914 who everyone likes Because he loves everyone. 324 00:30:27,993 --> 00:30:30,913 And first, he died, and that's not your fault at all 325 00:30:30,996 --> 00:30:32,246 I see... 326 00:30:34,791 --> 00:30:36,461 Don't be afraid or sad 327 00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:39,343 Because he is in heaven now with his father, who is God? There are other things called the Holy Spirit 328 00:30:39,421 --> 00:30:41,131 no one really understands. 329 00:30:41,214 --> 00:30:42,724 These three things are a cluster... 330 00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:45,139 who always looks at you all the time. " 331 00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:49,425 If you have a question, 332 00:30:50,349 --> 00:30:51,349 just pop into the strange broom closet in the corner 333 00:30:51,433 --> 00:30:53,733 with Pastor Steven, who hasn't done it yet background check 334 00:30:53,810 --> 00:30:57,060 Don't forget again if you've ever masturbated , = = Because he is fascinated with that. 335 00:30:59,024 --> 00:31:01,194 And angry, but mostly fascinated, and - 336 00:31:01,276 --> 00:31:03,196 Start with innocence, Just as innocently as male-child love can begin. 337 00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:08,238 338 00:31:09,368 --> 00:31:12,828 339 00:31:12,913 --> 00:31:16,173 You kind of accept this person Jesus, and he loves you, 340 00:31:16,249 --> 00:31:19,039 but he is dead and he is bleeding, but he is in top condition, and-- 341 00:31:24,508 --> 00:31:27,548 And I actually really enjoy the church when I was a kid 342 00:31:28,512 --> 00:31:31,522 My favorite part is hymn. We will sing this one song: 343 00:31:31,598 --> 00:31:34,138 ♪ Christ has died ♪ 344 00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:36,436 ♪ Christ rose ♪ 345 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:39,980 ♪ Christ will come again ♪ 346 00:31:41,942 --> 00:31:42,982 Thank you friend. 347 00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:47,695 Do you know that? This is a hit. 348 00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:52,584 This is number one on the charts for 47,000 consecutive weeks. 349 00:31:55,414 --> 00:31:58,084 Sure enough it's gone myrrh, at this time. 350 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:01,420 Yes it's true. 351 00:32:04,089 --> 00:32:06,259 That's a rare joke. 352 00:32:08,093 --> 00:32:11,053 That joke is a nut comedy. Dan-- 353 00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:15,560 No, I like that song. 354 00:32:15,642 --> 00:32:18,272 Lyrical, very short. 355 00:32:21,273 --> 00:32:25,403 You get Christ. He is the protagonist, and then he dies, which is sad. 356 00:32:25,485 --> 00:32:27,525 Then he gets up, which is unexpected. 357 00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:30,122 And then he will come again, which-- 358 00:32:30,699 --> 00:32:32,029 I don't know, I - 359 00:32:33,994 --> 00:32:38,044 I'm not sure I'm rooting for that part. I feel like, you know, thank you for coming. 360 00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:44,882 Appreciate books, but - 361 00:32:49,426 --> 00:32:53,756 Do we really want her to come again? If he comes again, he will be very angry. 362 00:32:58,727 --> 00:33:00,687 He will be like, "I don't understand. 363 00:33:00,770 --> 00:33:04,690 Why are these people so rich and these people are very poor?" Because he's Jewish, isn't he? He will have Jewish influence. 364 00:33:04,774 --> 00:33:07,534 "Why do these people have thousands of people? from bread, 365 00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:12,658 and these people have half bread?" Because he is a socialist. He is a Jewish socialist. 366 00:33:12,741 --> 00:33:14,331 367 00:33:14,409 --> 00:33:17,749 368 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:23,500 He is the most unpopular modern demographic, especially with Christians. 369 00:33:24,878 --> 00:33:27,458 He is native to Bernie Sanders. You know that right? 370 00:33:27,547 --> 00:33:28,667 I mean, Jesus - 371 00:33:31,134 --> 00:33:33,434 Jesus will never win in the general. 372 00:33:34,054 --> 00:33:35,064 But-- 373 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:43,900 So, my brother Joe, who is here with me tonight, he will - 374 00:33:44,523 --> 00:33:46,733 He really taught me what the joke was when I was little 375 00:33:46,816 --> 00:33:49,686 He used to sing songs from this hymn 376 00:33:50,362 --> 00:33:53,242 while we sing true hymns. 377 00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:57,909 He is like "Strange Al" Yankovic church 378 00:34:00,497 --> 00:34:01,537 He will go... 379 00:34:01,623 --> 00:34:05,793 ♪ Christ has lied Christ is imprisoned ♪ 380 00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:08,707 ♪ Christ will come at ten o'clock ♪ 381 00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:17,596 So far, my favorite line - The idea that Christ will arrive 382 00:34:18,557 --> 00:34:20,597 at a very specific time. 383 00:34:20,684 --> 00:34:24,484 Because Christ is the right person. That is one thing you must know. 384 00:34:26,147 --> 00:34:27,897 He is a savior on time. 385 00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:33,909 So, I'm talking about all this on the stage 386 00:34:33,989 --> 00:34:37,279 in this Christian college gymnasium, and... 387 00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,159 it's not connected, you know 388 00:34:49,629 --> 00:34:52,589 And it's really rather awkward backstage after the show 389 00:34:52,674 --> 00:34:56,514 between me and this person who ordered me. He is like, "Why? 390 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:05,020 Why are you talking about Jesus? 391 00:35:05,729 --> 00:35:08,479 for ten minutes on stage?" 392 00:35:08,565 --> 00:35:10,145 And I don't have the best answer, 393 00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:12,653 but I feel it's good enough to share with you 394 00:35:13,236 --> 00:35:15,156 I say, "Jesus died... 395 00:35:16,865 --> 00:35:19,075 so I can tell the joke." 396 00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:31,045 In justice to the organizers of Christian colleges, 397 00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:33,209 I am a safe bet as far as comedians go, 398 00:35:33,298 --> 00:35:38,758 I do not curse haphazardly on the stage, which has a lot to do with my mother. 399 00:35:39,721 --> 00:35:42,721 Not really. When I moved to New York, He was upset, and I would go, "Why?" 400 00:35:42,807 --> 00:35:47,477 He said, "I don't want you to be one of the dirty comedians." 401 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:49,650 And I said, "OK." 402 00:35:49,731 --> 00:35:53,491 And he said, "You don't need to use it those words become funny 403 00:35:53,568 --> 00:35:57,028 For example, Oprah is very funny." 404 00:36:04,621 --> 00:36:06,541 And I said, "Maybe for Gayle. 405 00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:12,208 Or even Stedman, when they let him on it. 406 00:36:12,295 --> 00:36:13,875 But I don't know - 407 00:36:15,924 --> 00:36:17,974 I don't know If you understand my purpose, Mom. I'm not trying to be queen during the day. " 408 00:36:18,051 --> 00:36:20,051 Because my mother and I are very close, 409 00:36:24,474 --> 00:36:25,734 410 00:36:25,809 --> 00:36:29,229 I really tried not to curse many for years on stage 411 00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:31,562 At this time, I have released four comedy albums, 412 00:36:31,648 --> 00:36:34,068 and none of them have labels explicit lyrics on them. 413 00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:36,110 But sometimes, I feel in conflict with that matter 414 00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:39,324 Because many comedians I admire most do a curse on stage 415 00:36:39,406 --> 00:36:41,116 Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor. 416 00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:45,249 And some of those famous don't curse secretly criminals. 417 00:36:54,379 --> 00:36:58,219 It's fun for me, just watch 50 mouths, "Bill Cosby." 418 00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:07,484 And then there is this strange thing about not cursing, 419 00:37:07,559 --> 00:37:11,349 which you sometimes order in place just for that reason 420 00:37:11,438 --> 00:37:14,228 Like, a few years ago, I had ordered to perform with the Muppets, 421 00:37:14,315 --> 00:37:18,105 which is a great honor. I grew up in the Muppets. 422 00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:20,744 That is a Canadian television program hosted by them, 423 00:37:20,822 --> 00:37:22,702 and I have to take Fozzie Bear. 424 00:37:23,908 --> 00:37:25,988 I will tell you something about Fozzie Bear. 425 00:37:27,746 --> 00:37:29,826 He is actually a pretty good comedian. 426 00:37:34,210 --> 00:37:35,960 I feel I have to do that 427 00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:40,875 Because of Fozzie's joke, I think, is that he is a bad comedian 428 00:37:40,967 --> 00:37:43,547 who is also a bear. 429 00:37:48,892 --> 00:37:50,892 But Fozzie-- 430 00:37:50,977 --> 00:37:54,267 Following Fozzie is almost impossible. 431 00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:59,315 Like, he killed on stage, killed. 432 00:37:59,402 --> 00:38:01,282 Even when he doesn't kill, he kills 433 00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:04,072 Because he has That slogan slogan joke parachute: 434 00:38:04,157 --> 00:38:05,947 "Wocka Wocka Wocka!" 435 00:38:07,202 --> 00:38:09,872 Which is "Git-R-Done", by the way. 436 00:38:09,954 --> 00:38:13,424 I don't know if you've thought from it before, but... 437 00:38:15,376 --> 00:38:17,996 I was watching Fozzie from his wings, and I realized, like, 438 00:38:18,087 --> 00:38:23,337 This show won't work well for me, for very specific reasons. 439 00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:28,636 When people go to see the Muppets, they don't want to see people. 440 00:38:31,851 --> 00:38:35,191 They just want to see more Muppets. 441 00:38:36,022 --> 00:38:37,692 When you are watching Sesame Street 442 00:38:37,774 --> 00:38:41,494 and Gordon and Maria walk in frames, and you like, "Get out of there." 443 00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:47,826 We want to see more of these creatures who live in the trash. 444 00:38:53,206 --> 00:38:54,246 So, Fozzie's murder, 445 00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:57,092 and then he was eliminated from the stage by Statler and Waldorf. 446 00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:59,628 That's a gay couple who lives on the balcony 447 00:39:00,630 --> 00:39:02,670 If that's not the case, I'm very confused. 448 00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:05,887 They go to the theater seven nights a week, and they sucks about everything. 449 00:39:05,969 --> 00:39:07,299 I mean, what-- 450 00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:11,772 What are the instructions here? And so... 451 00:39:13,518 --> 00:39:16,938 Statler and Waldorf denounce Fozzie, and then they introduce me, 452 00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:19,481 which is a crazy precedent for hecklers-- 453 00:39:19,566 --> 00:39:23,396 This idea if heckler defeats comedians, 454 00:39:23,486 --> 00:39:27,066 are they now responsible for the show? 455 00:39:27,991 --> 00:39:30,491 This is like streaker running to Yankee Stadium, 456 00:39:30,577 --> 00:39:33,907 they just throw him a glove. They are like, "third base!" 457 00:39:36,916 --> 00:39:40,246 "I don't have a uniform!" You know? 458 00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:48,046 So, they introduced me, and that means. That is the Statler and Waldorf thing. 459 00:39:48,136 --> 00:39:51,216 One of them goes, "The next man goes to sleep." 460 00:39:51,306 --> 00:39:54,516 "Oh yes? I like to sleep during acting. Ha!" 461 00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:05,402 "Welcome Mike Birbiglia." And I ran to the stage. 462 00:40:05,486 --> 00:40:11,486 And I'm very confused about being pre-heckled by this surrealist doll, 463 00:40:11,576 --> 00:40:13,826 that I forgot to bring my stool. 464 00:40:13,912 --> 00:40:17,792 I arrived in the middle, and I looked around. I go, "Ah, damn it!" 465 00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:35,142 I will tell you who doesn't like the word "fuck" 466 00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:42,226 People who have bought tickets to see the Muppets... 467 00:40:47,570 --> 00:40:49,070 and Muppets. 468 00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:55,913 People in the audience like... 469 00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:00,456 Muppets are like... 470 00:41:08,675 --> 00:41:12,175 I go, "Sorry about that!" And I ran off the stage. 471 00:41:20,186 --> 00:41:23,356 And I ran back to the stage, This time with feces. 472 00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:25,649 There is nothing I can do to get the audience on my side 473 00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:28,573 Because not only am I the one who cursed in The Muppets, 474 00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:29,863 as far as these people know, 475 00:41:29,946 --> 00:41:32,656 I am the one who curses exclusively in the Muppets, 476 00:41:33,282 --> 00:41:36,122 even in the context of jokes. 477 00:41:38,413 --> 00:41:40,253 I'm just this person... 478 00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:43,040 who is jogging on stage, 479 00:41:43,668 --> 00:41:47,338 the word "fuck", and then run from the stage. 480 00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:57,215 I'm like a villain from the Muppets. 481 00:41:58,349 --> 00:42:00,179 I, like, Fuck Monster. 482 00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:04,355 That's what I have tried to call my wife for years. 483 00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:13,029 So, I bombed the Muppets. 484 00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:16,244 This is really the opposite My childhood dreams come true. 485 00:42:17,076 --> 00:42:21,576 I remember like a child who thought, "Maybe someday, I'll be in The Muppets." 486 00:42:21,664 --> 00:42:24,964 But I never thought, "Maybe someday, I will be in The Muppets, 487 00:42:25,043 --> 00:42:27,173 and it won't work well." 488 00:42:32,508 --> 00:42:35,298 After ten minutes, I walked from the stage - I didn't make this. 489 00:42:35,386 --> 00:42:38,426 I was loved by Kermit. 490 00:42:40,850 --> 00:42:42,810 He is like, "I think you're good." 491 00:42:42,894 --> 00:42:44,654 I'm like, "Not now!" 492 00:42:47,065 --> 00:42:48,935 Throw him to the wall. 493 00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:53,988 No, that - 494 00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:59,122 I feel bad. I just feel like I failed so deeply. 495 00:42:59,202 --> 00:43:01,162 But then the more I pondered it, 496 00:43:01,245 --> 00:43:03,495 the more I think Maybe I'm too shy 497 00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:05,421 on behalf of the Muppets. 498 00:43:06,167 --> 00:43:09,917 If you think about it, the Muppets, they have seen a lot 499 00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:13,006 Muppets is 70 years old. 500 00:43:13,091 --> 00:43:17,261 Like, you think when the camera isn't rolling, Animals don't curse? 501 00:43:17,345 --> 00:43:18,635 You think Animals are never like... 502 00:43:20,389 --> 00:43:25,189 "This damn snare drum sounds like nonsense!" 503 00:43:29,649 --> 00:43:32,279 I'm sure Janice has tried heroin. 504 00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:33,570 Do you know what I mean? 505 00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:39,742 You think Janice never likes, 506 00:43:39,826 --> 00:43:43,326 "Kermit, I am, like, very chaotic. 507 00:43:43,412 --> 00:43:46,622 Can I use your feet to tie my arms?" 508 00:43:50,211 --> 00:43:52,551 Right. It's a Muppets heroin joke. 509 00:43:52,630 --> 00:43:58,180 And I'm pretty sure if there is a line, I step past it there. 510 00:44:03,266 --> 00:44:05,846 That's what you always have to think about When you're writing a joke, 511 00:44:05,935 --> 00:44:07,765 is sort of, where is the line? 512 00:44:07,854 --> 00:44:10,484 And you don't want to pass it, but you want to approach it 513 00:44:12,191 --> 00:44:15,071 You know, it's subjective, sort of where the line is 514 00:44:15,153 --> 00:44:18,283 From there it becomes complicated. And that's what I am contemplating 515 00:44:18,364 --> 00:44:22,834 when I fly back to New York the day before hosting Gotham Awards. 516 00:44:22,910 --> 00:44:25,330 I am on a plane. I'm writing a joke, 517 00:44:25,413 --> 00:44:28,463 and I was eating chicken salad sandwich on walnut raisin bread. 518 00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:32,630 And I remember that because actually, flight attendants came, 519 00:44:32,712 --> 00:44:38,092 and he is like, "Excuse me, are there nuts on your sandwich?" 520 00:44:38,634 --> 00:44:40,604 I know it won't end well. 521 00:44:41,304 --> 00:44:45,104 Because the sentence never ends with: "Because I love nuts! 522 00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:48,636 Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts! 523 00:44:48,728 --> 00:44:51,308 They are great at everything ! 524 00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:54,937 Sprinkle them in your sundae! They are the building blocks of pesto! " 525 00:44:55,026 --> 00:44:57,696 Who are they and nobody talks about it 526 00:44:57,778 --> 00:44:59,318 So, like-- 527 00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:06,911 So, as I answered, I just kept eating sandwiches. 528 00:45:06,996 --> 00:45:07,996 I'm like... 529 00:45:09,540 --> 00:45:12,000 "I think there might be... 530 00:45:12,877 --> 00:45:16,457 walnuts on bread." 531 00:45:18,841 --> 00:45:24,851 "Actually you can't eat it on the plane Because the woman is sitting by the window... 532 00:45:24,931 --> 00:45:26,891 has a peanut allergy." 533 00:45:31,604 --> 00:45:33,484 "I will not feed them. 534 00:45:36,692 --> 00:45:39,322 Or rub his face on his face." 535 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:48,700 "Actually he will react 536 00:45:49,455 --> 00:45:51,535 Even if there are nuts 537 00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:54,206 in the air." 538 00:45:58,381 --> 00:46:00,051 "Nuts in the air?" 539 00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:05,681 That just happened to be my favorite hip-hop song. 540 00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:12,227 I try to be respectful. I said to the woman, 541 00:46:12,311 --> 00:46:15,481 "Are you serious? You will have a reaction if there are nuts 542 00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:17,775 in the air?" 543 00:46:20,069 --> 00:46:23,199 He said, "Yes, I will react if there are nuts 544 00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:24,821 in the air." 545 00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:33,208 "You shouldn't leave home. 546 00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:39,010 There are nuts everywhere." 547 00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:46,545 And I'm very hungry, I say to the flight attendant, 548 00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:51,767 I said, "Is there anywhere where can I finish my sandwich?" 549 00:46:54,311 --> 00:46:56,021 "You can finish it... 550 00:46:57,064 --> 00:46:58,864 in the bathroom." 551 00:47:03,279 --> 00:47:04,989 "Good." And I go. 552 00:47:06,365 --> 00:47:09,235 And I went into JetBlue's bathroom, 553 00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:12,036 and I eat chicken salad sandwich. 554 00:47:12,121 --> 00:47:15,001 I experience that big symphony from smell - 555 00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:19,502 only bathroom and antiseptic, mayonnaise, and I choke 556 00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:22,337 And I eat more sandwiches, and I choke 557 00:47:22,423 --> 00:47:25,763 And I eat more sandwiches. And I realized at that time, 558 00:47:25,843 --> 00:47:29,013 that I have what is called airborne stool allergies. 559 00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,136 Dan-- 560 00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:36,095 Yes you know, It's not only if I eat feces. 561 00:47:36,187 --> 00:47:37,647 If - 562 00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:44,237 This is if feces... 563 00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:47,114 is in the air 564 00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:51,365 If feces are in the air... 565 00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:55,496 I will react. 566 00:47:58,542 --> 00:48:01,502 OK. So, you know who doesn't like this story, 567 00:48:01,587 --> 00:48:03,337 are people with peanut allergies. 568 00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:07,432 And you know who likes this story? All others. 569 00:48:07,510 --> 00:48:08,510 And... 570 00:48:11,263 --> 00:48:13,433 I feel really in conflict about that, 571 00:48:13,516 --> 00:48:17,346 Because there are almost a thousand people in this room together now. 572 00:48:17,436 --> 00:48:22,106 And about 997 of us are like, "Ha ha! Nuts in the air." 573 00:48:22,650 --> 00:48:26,570 And three of us quietly like, "That's my life." 574 00:48:26,654 --> 00:48:27,864 Do you know? And I don't-- 575 00:48:31,784 --> 00:48:34,754 I don't want to be that for you, 576 00:48:34,829 --> 00:48:38,869 but jokes must be about something. 577 00:48:41,710 --> 00:48:43,420 I told the story last year in San Francisco, 578 00:48:43,504 --> 00:48:45,094 and this child came to me after the show, 579 00:48:45,172 --> 00:48:47,552 and he asks me if I will sign the EpiPen. 580 00:48:49,552 --> 00:48:51,102 Because he is allergic to peanuts. 581 00:48:51,178 --> 00:48:55,178 And if he has a reaction, his mother must hit his leg 582 00:48:55,266 --> 00:48:56,516 so he doesn't die 583 00:48:57,184 --> 00:48:58,694 And I'm really moved by this, 584 00:48:58,769 --> 00:49:00,939 Because that's my sense of humor. 585 00:49:01,021 --> 00:49:04,821 I have a joke on my album about having bladder tumors at age 19, 586 00:49:04,900 --> 00:49:06,820 and how I was hit by a drunk driver, 587 00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:10,282 how I have life threatening sleep disorders. 588 00:49:10,364 --> 00:49:11,994 And that is my best joke. 589 00:49:12,074 --> 00:49:13,784 That is the kind that I am interested in. 590 00:49:13,868 --> 00:49:18,288 So, I said to his mother, "How many times do you have to punch it?" 591 00:49:18,372 --> 00:49:19,622 And he said, "Three times." 592 00:49:20,541 --> 00:49:21,791 I thought, "Wow. 593 00:49:22,877 --> 00:49:27,717 This child almost died three times... 594 00:49:29,425 --> 00:49:31,255 so I can tell that joke." 595 00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:39,772 So I want to present this event tonight for him. 596 00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,148 He died. 597 00:49:43,689 --> 00:49:45,899 I'm kidding. 598 00:49:47,651 --> 00:49:51,281 Wocka Wocka Wocka! 599 00:49:52,406 --> 00:49:53,906 Git-R-Done! 600 00:50:03,584 --> 00:50:05,634 I flew back to New York and wrote a joke, 601 00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:09,051 and I am researching honors guests at Gotham Awards. 602 00:50:09,131 --> 00:50:12,891 And I see David O. Russell will be there 603 00:50:12,968 --> 00:50:16,428 And David O. Russell is one from my absolute favorite director, 604 00:50:16,513 --> 00:50:18,313 dating back when I was in high school. 605 00:50:18,390 --> 00:50:22,900 I remember seeing the film Flirting with Disaster in the theater. 606 00:50:22,978 --> 00:50:24,438 And I laugh out loud, 607 00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:28,611 and then he continues to have this Oscar Award winner - 608 00:50:28,692 --> 00:50:31,652 Handbook with silver lines, American Hustle, Three Kings. 609 00:50:31,737 --> 00:50:36,327 And I'm reading about him, and this joke happened to me on the plane, 610 00:50:36,408 --> 00:50:39,788 and I just started to laugh maniacally, alone. 611 00:50:41,163 --> 00:50:42,923 Not the best look. You know, like... 612 00:50:45,668 --> 00:50:47,878 "I have Ebola!" 613 00:50:51,006 --> 00:50:52,716 I laugh for two reasons. 614 00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:55,720 One, in jokes, and two, on absurdity 615 00:50:55,803 --> 00:51:00,023 that I will tell this joke the next night 616 00:51:00,099 --> 00:51:02,479 when will he sit there 617 00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:04,849 And once I landed, I called my wife. 618 00:51:04,937 --> 00:51:08,647 I said, "Clo, listen to this joke." 619 00:51:08,732 --> 00:51:11,942 And he laughed very hard, and I will tell you a few moments. 620 00:51:12,027 --> 00:51:15,737 But first, I just want to say one last thing about jokes, 621 00:51:15,823 --> 00:51:19,203 which I think is a joke, the best, has the ability 622 00:51:19,285 --> 00:51:21,575 to make us all feel closer to each other. 623 00:51:21,662 --> 00:51:22,712 I think one of - 624 00:51:22,788 --> 00:51:26,288 My favorite thing about marriage is that you can share jokes 625 00:51:26,375 --> 00:51:29,415 with your wife or husband it's funny to you 626 00:51:29,503 --> 00:51:33,673 and that person and no one else, other than maybe your cat 627 00:51:34,717 --> 00:51:37,177 Because when you have a cat, your barometer for humor - 628 00:51:38,178 --> 00:51:39,308 outside the window. 629 00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:45,686 Last summer, my wife and I left on the way to Massachusetts 630 00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:49,019 And I call it "Massachusetts," which is not funny But in our house, it's a joke this year! 631 00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:52,736 632 00:51:56,488 --> 00:51:58,118 I like, "We will go to Massachusetts." 633 00:51:58,198 --> 00:51:59,528 My wife likes, "Aah!" 634 00:51:59,616 --> 00:52:01,076 I'm like, "Aah!" 635 00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:03,790 Our cats like, "Aah!" 636 00:52:07,207 --> 00:52:10,787 Because everyone likes good words when you have cats 637 00:52:13,547 --> 00:52:15,377 So, we went to Massachusetts. 638 00:52:17,009 --> 00:52:19,009 When we arrived, my wife had a headache, 639 00:52:19,094 --> 00:52:22,224 and he asks if I will adjust to Ivan - That's our cat - to the bedroom. 640 00:52:22,306 --> 00:52:23,596 Because he's a cat in the room, 641 00:52:23,682 --> 00:52:26,852 and you can't just put the cat in the room home because he will explode. 642 00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:36,067 I took him to the bedroom, and while I was there, 643 00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:39,373 my wife found that there were rats in the house. 644 00:52:39,448 --> 00:52:43,488 And it's worse than just a mouse. They are parasitic mice. 645 00:52:43,577 --> 00:52:48,167 They have toxoplasmosis, which means they have parasites in it, 646 00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:49,628 and they want it in you. 647 00:52:49,708 --> 00:52:51,748 They are not afraid of cats. They are not afraid of people. 648 00:52:51,835 --> 00:52:55,005 We found this because my wife was watching TV on the sofa, 649 00:52:55,089 --> 00:52:57,589 and he looks beside him, and there is a mouse, 650 00:52:57,674 --> 00:52:59,934 and he also watches TV. 651 00:53:02,221 --> 00:53:03,851 And he screamed, 652 00:53:03,931 --> 00:53:06,061 and he just stared at it like Stuart Little. 653 00:53:06,141 --> 00:53:10,311 Like, "Hey! What happened? I also don't like this show. 654 00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:14,528 I don't know why all those women want to marry that man." 655 00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:22,243 He pushed him off the sofa, and he didn't even run away. 656 00:53:22,324 --> 00:53:27,294 He doesn't even rush, which is a verb found for mice. 657 00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:34,455 He just walked into the kitchen like roommate 658 00:53:34,545 --> 00:53:37,085 He is like, "Okay, I will go to another room. 659 00:53:37,714 --> 00:53:39,934 I think you overreacted." 660 00:53:40,592 --> 00:53:43,802 Then he confesses to a cam mouse in the kitchen. 661 00:53:43,887 --> 00:53:45,847 He is like, "I'm not here to be friends. 662 00:53:46,932 --> 00:53:49,102 I'm here to win. I'm here before they come. 663 00:53:49,184 --> 00:53:51,774 I'll be here when they leave. I'm a rat." 664 00:53:51,854 --> 00:53:54,274 It was from Real Mousewives from Catsachusetts 665 00:53:58,861 --> 00:54:02,611 That night, I slept soundly, and my wife woke me up by grabbing my face 666 00:54:05,451 --> 00:54:09,911 He said, "Mo, Ivan found the mouse. 667 00:54:09,997 --> 00:54:12,917 You need to get a mouse." 668 00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:15,464 And I said, "Clo... 669 00:54:17,004 --> 00:54:19,174 we have a cat 670 00:54:20,841 --> 00:54:24,181 We do everything for that cat. 671 00:54:24,261 --> 00:54:25,891 We give him food. 672 00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:29,271 We give him an apartment which he thinks is the world. 673 00:54:30,017 --> 00:54:34,397 We set aside an area in the apartment for him to get dirt in. Two big directors basically said the same thing. " 674 00:59:39,201 --> 00:59:43,001 675 00:59:49,669 --> 00:59:51,129 Viewers enjoy it. 676 00:59:52,714 --> 00:59:55,514 David O. Russell leaves. 677 00:59:56,676 --> 00:59:58,426 That time is unfortunate 678 00:59:58,512 --> 01:00:01,312 because he has just to receive a lifetime achievement award. 679 01:00:02,557 --> 01:00:06,477 The woman who ordered me came to my desk and she said, "Mike, 680 01:00:06,561 --> 01:00:11,571 David is very upset with your jokes, and I think he might leave. 681 01:00:11,650 --> 01:00:13,570 Will you talk to him?" 682 01:00:15,070 --> 01:00:16,610 And I said, "Of course." 683 01:00:17,656 --> 01:00:20,366 Because, the worst case scenario, is running very. 684 01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:24,958 The best scenario, he made me lead in the next film. 685 01:00:25,038 --> 01:00:27,748 So, I walked with this woman. 686 01:00:27,833 --> 01:00:30,793 He said, "This is my fault. I shouldn't let you tell that joke. 687 01:00:30,877 --> 01:00:32,377 I should filter your jokes." 688 01:00:32,462 --> 01:00:34,342 And I feel very bad because I want to be like, 689 01:00:34,422 --> 01:00:37,382 "I won't let you filter my jokes. 690 01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:40,257 I'll send you a joke trick." 691 01:00:44,182 --> 01:00:48,272 I never gave a piece of paper to me with the word "cunt" written on it. 692 01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:52,230 I wasn't raised like that. 693 01:00:54,693 --> 01:00:58,993 ♪ Christ has died, Christ has risen ♪ 694 01:01:01,199 --> 01:01:04,409 But on the contrary, I'm like, "Yeah, maybe it's your fault who knows?" 695 01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:05,504 Then... 696 01:01:07,038 --> 01:01:10,458 we get to the men's room. David O. Russell goes to the exit. 697 01:01:10,542 --> 01:01:12,542 He follows it, and I follow it. 698 01:01:12,627 --> 01:01:16,127 He looks at him and leaves, "Give your damn rewards to others!" 699 01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:18,224 And I'm like, "Cool. 700 01:01:19,843 --> 01:01:22,433 It's like we were in the video." 701 01:01:26,641 --> 01:01:29,811 I returned to my desk and my wife said, "Mo, what happened?" 702 01:01:29,895 --> 01:01:33,475 And I said, "Clo, this is a long story, and it's not over yet. 703 01:01:34,107 --> 01:01:36,357 But we're not in Mouseachusetts anymore." 704 01:01:37,986 --> 01:01:40,736 Sitting at our table is Jared Leto, but I don't know that he is 705 01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:43,702 because he is preparing his role at the Dallas Buyers Club. 706 01:01:43,783 --> 01:01:46,913 So he shaved his eyebrows, and he didn't eat in a few weeks. 707 01:01:46,995 --> 01:01:51,285 And he bent and left, "I haven't eaten in 21 days. 708 01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:55,923 And the joke makes me laugh at my ass." 709 01:02:01,885 --> 01:02:04,385 I say, "Thank you, weird skeleton person. 710 01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:10,191 That means a lot to me because I am a lot Difficulty right now." 711 01:02:19,505 --> 01:02:23,195 He said, "David is a great collaborator." 712 01:02:23,281 --> 01:02:25,411 Where is the right language from the video, 713 01:02:25,492 --> 01:02:27,702 even though he left the word "C" smart 714 01:02:29,704 --> 01:02:33,384 And then David O. Russell got on stage, and he gave a very beautiful speech. 715 01:02:33,458 --> 01:02:36,338 He has a lot of wisdom. He sat down. The reporter said, 716 01:02:36,419 --> 01:02:37,959 "David, what do you think? Mike Birbiglia's jokes?" 717 01:02:38,046 --> 01:02:40,666 "Comedians will make jokes about What they will make jokes." 718 01:02:40,757 --> 01:02:43,297 They come to me. "Mike, What do you think about David's reaction?" 719 01:02:43,385 --> 01:02:45,135 I said, "Whatever he says is fine." 720 01:02:46,304 --> 01:02:49,564 And an article out in that week's Variety magazine 721 01:02:49,641 --> 01:02:50,731 about the event, 722 01:02:50,809 --> 01:02:53,559 and the opening line of the article is read, 723 01:02:54,229 --> 01:02:55,399 and I quote... 724 01:02:57,607 --> 01:02:59,397 "Before the winners were announced 725 01:02:59,484 --> 01:03:02,154 in the 22nd edition of Monday from Gotham Awards, 726 01:03:02,237 --> 01:03:04,067 one thing became clear: 727 01:03:04,739 --> 01:03:08,909 Mike Birbiglia won't be in the next photo of David O. Russell." 728 01:03:16,376 --> 01:03:18,956 I am a joke, later. 729 01:03:27,470 --> 01:03:28,640 And I think it's fair. 730 01:03:30,098 --> 01:03:32,228 Because if David O. Russell is here tonight, 731 01:03:32,309 --> 01:03:36,059 he will say, "I was invited to the program to be respected by my colleagues. in my life, 732 01:03:36,146 --> 01:03:40,726 and everyone laughs. " 733 01:03:40,817 --> 01:03:43,647 And I will say, "Sorry, sir. I have an ongoing event." 734 01:03:43,737 --> 01:03:45,607 He will be escorted out of the building. 735 01:03:47,365 --> 01:03:50,115 That is the side of the story. 736 01:03:51,870 --> 01:03:53,790 But I want you to know the side of my story, 737 01:03:57,417 --> 01:03:58,997 I gave a lot of thought before telling the joke. 738 01:04:01,004 --> 01:04:03,804 I ran with comedian friends. I ran by my brother Joe, 739 01:04:05,175 --> 01:04:08,255 who wrote "Christ Will Come at Ten." 740 01:04:08,345 --> 01:04:10,885 741 01:04:10,972 --> 01:04:12,682 742 01:04:22,275 --> 01:04:24,025 743 00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:38,030 we clean more often than the area where we defecate. 744 00:54:41,487 --> 00:54:44,407 We have a man's agreement 745 00:54:44,490 --> 00:54:50,660 that in the unlikely event that a mouse must walk through that door... 746 00:54:53,290 --> 00:54:55,250 and that day might never come... 747 00:54:57,211 --> 00:54:59,251 that he will kill the rat, 748 00:55:00,255 --> 00:55:02,715 and we will never speak from the mouse again, 749 00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:06,429 and the cat will get protection. " 750 00:55:08,013 --> 00:55:09,353 That's from Catfather. 751 00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:21,935 Clo says," Mo, take the mouse. " 752 00:55:22,027 --> 00:55:23,397 And he gives me a cup. 753 00:55:26,865 --> 00:55:28,115 I take the cup, 754 00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:30,739 walk to the mouse 755 00:55:31,495 --> 00:55:33,035 The mouse goes to my direction. 756 00:55:34,706 --> 00:55:36,326 I move away from the mouse. 757 00:55:38,210 --> 00:55:41,670 I put the cup over the mouse. I put the magazine under the cup, 758 00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,505 and I bring it to the backyard. 759 00:55:43,590 --> 00:55:44,880 I stuck it in the forest, 760 00:55:44,967 --> 00:55:50,097 where I can only assume that he walked to the wolf's mouth. 761 00:55:51,723 --> 00:55:53,353 The next day we go home, 762 00:55:53,433 --> 00:55:55,943 and since that day, we have called that country... 763 00:55:56,812 --> 00:55:58,192 Mouseachusetts. 764 00:56:04,653 --> 00:56:08,623 So, I want to show something special, what happened there in the end which was a few minutes ago, 765 00:56:08,699 --> 00:56:10,869 I started the story with a punch based in Massachusetts. 766 00:56:10,951 --> 00:56:14,541 Catsachusetts. 767 00:56:16,582 --> 00:56:17,712 We all agree as a group: 768 00:56:19,793 --> 00:56:21,463 Not funny. 769 00:56:26,550 --> 00:56:27,720 Some time ago... 770 00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:32,468 I conclude the story with another Massachusetts-based . 771 00:56:34,308 --> 00:56:38,188 That's almost identical. 772 00:56:39,980 --> 00:56:41,360 That is Mouseachusetts. 773 00:56:44,693 --> 00:56:46,453 But at that time, we applauded. 774 00:56:52,701 --> 00:56:55,951 Which means... 775 00:56:59,333 --> 00:57:00,543 by the way... 776 00:57:02,044 --> 00:57:03,134 It's like we are married. 777 00:57:04,546 --> 00:57:06,046 I do 778 00:57:11,553 --> 00:57:12,553 779 00:57:15,015 --> 00:57:16,765 So, now we are married... 780 00:57:19,061 --> 00:57:23,021 I will share with you this joke that I said at Gotham Awards. 781 00:57:23,815 --> 00:57:27,235 David O. Russell, like I said, is one of my favorite directors, 782 00:57:27,319 --> 00:57:31,199 But unfortunately, Lily Tomlin shouted set in I Heart Huckabees many years ago. 783 00:57:31,281 --> 00:57:33,581 You may have seen it on YouTube 784 00:57:33,659 --> 00:57:35,539 because it was caught on a tape, it was placed on YouTube 785 00:57:35,619 --> 00:57:37,999 It is seen by millions of people. 786 00:57:38,080 --> 00:57:39,750 If you haven't seen it, there's nothing I can do 787 00:57:39,831 --> 00:57:42,751 to properly convey How extreme these harsh words 788 00:57:42,834 --> 00:57:47,634 other than typing the transcript from what he said, 789 00:57:47,714 --> 00:57:51,184 print it and just read it to you 790 00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:54,049 So, they were on the set of shooting this film. 791 00:58:01,144 --> 00:58:03,444 They are in this class area, 792 00:58:04,064 --> 00:58:05,904 793 00:58:05,983 --> 00:58:10,243 and that's Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin and Jason Schwartzman. 794 00:58:10,320 --> 00:58:13,450 And between taking, David O. Russell is out 795 00:58:13,532 --> 00:58:16,702 and he said to Lily Tomlin, and I quote, 796 00:58:18,412 --> 00:58:21,122 he said, "I just tried to fucking help you! 797 00:58:21,206 --> 00:58:22,496 You understand me ?! 798 00:58:22,582 --> 00:58:24,882 I'm just trying to be pesky collaborators! Okay, bitch !?! I'm not here to be fucking screaming! 799 00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:28,340 I didn't do this for three years bad 800 00:58:28,422 --> 00:58:30,222 to have some fucking pussy screaming at me in front of a crew 801 00:58:30,298 --> 00:58:32,128 help you, bitch! " 802 00:58:32,217 --> 00:58:35,347 So, I think I have to talk about it on the stage because - 803 00:58:35,429 --> 00:58:37,259 Because if comedy is tragic plus time, 804 00:58:50,986 --> 00:58:54,656 This is the funniest thing I've ever seen. 805 00:58:56,033 --> 00:58:58,833 806 00:58:58,910 --> 00:59:01,120 807 00:59:04,624 --> 00:59:06,544 So, I said, "David O. Russell is here." 808 00:59:06,626 --> 00:59:08,416 He is about where you are, about the third line. 809 00:59:08,503 --> 00:59:10,463 I say, "One of my favorite directors, 810 00:59:10,547 --> 00:59:13,837 is known to go to extremes to get what he wants. 811 00:59:13,925 --> 00:59:16,215 Great Director Elia Kazan once said, 812 00:59:16,303 --> 00:59:19,013 " You do whatever it takes to get the shot. 813 00:59:20,182 --> 00:59:21,982 David O. Russell once said, 814 00:59:24,394 --> 00:59:26,404 & apos; I'm just trying to fucking help you, do you understand me? 815 00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:28,230 I just became a damn collaborator. 816 00:59:28,315 --> 00:59:30,895 I'm just trying to help you find out damn images Okay, bitch 817 00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:32,324 I'm not here to be fucking screaming. 818 00:59:32,402 --> 00:59:34,202 I didn't do this for three bad years 819 00:59:34,279 --> 00:59:36,569 to have some fucking pussy screaming at me in front of the crew 820 00:59:36,656 --> 00:59:38,366 When I try to help you, bitch. " I ran by my wife the night before. 821 01:04:24,110 --> 01:04:29,490 I said," Clo, can I tell this joke? when I know he will be there, 822 01:04:29,574 --> 01:04:33,584 and won't it suit him at all? " 823 01:04:34,621 --> 01:04:35,871 And Clo says, 824 01:04:36,915 --> 01:04:39,165 " It depends on what you want from the night 825 01:04:41,169 --> 01:04:44,209 If you want success in the show business, 826 01:04:45,632 --> 01:04:47,802 You may not tell the joke. 827 01:04:51,679 --> 01:04:54,559 If you want to be honest with yourself as a comedian, 828 01:04:56,017 --> 01:04:57,347 then tell the joke. " 829 01:05:04,150 --> 01:05:05,320 And I say it... 830 01:05:09,906 --> 01:05:12,196 because I like jokes 831 01:05:12,808 --> 01:05:17,158 I really do. I like jokes 832 01:05:18,289 --> 01:05:19,579 The jokes are meaningful to me. 833 01:05:20,875 --> 01:05:24,375 Tonight shows here with you means for me 834 01:05:25,338 --> 01:05:29,088 And the Charlie Hebdo incident in France two years ago was meaningful to me 835 01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:30,255 and for many people. 836 01:05:30,343 --> 01:05:33,853 After the incident, I read about this peaceful demonstration in France with nearly four million people. 837 01:05:33,930 --> 01:05:35,430 It is an Israeli and Palestinian leader, people of all religions, 838 01:05:35,515 --> 01:05:39,345 and they gather behind the idea 839 01:05:39,436 --> 01:05:40,806 that apart from our different jokes and opinions, 840 01:05:40,895 --> 01:05:43,645 Courtesy in the end is important. 841 01:05:43,731 --> 01:05:46,441 And increasingly important, 842 01:05:46,526 --> 01:05:48,236 because now you can send pictures and jokes and cartoons and videos 843 01:05:48,319 --> 01:05:51,529 crossing the Earth in seconds 844 01:05:51,614 --> 01:05:53,534 So, people in Russia are our neighbors. People in China are our neighbors. 845 01:05:53,616 --> 01:05:57,366 People in Texas are our neighbors. 846 01:05:57,454 --> 01:05:59,754 Which, for me, is the most worrying. 847 01:06:05,420 --> 01:06:07,760 But that really raised this question: 848 01:06:11,551 --> 01:06:13,301 849 01:06:13,386 --> 01:06:15,506 "What does it mean to be a good neighbor?" 850 01:06:16,681 --> 01:06:18,601 I think part of it is just listening to people in the context where they intend their words. 851 01:06:18,683 --> 01:06:20,643 You can go from here right now and say, "Mike Birbiglia goes up on stage 852 01:06:20,727 --> 01:06:24,687 and says that Jesus is an Jewish socialist who talks like Woody Allen. 853 01:06:24,772 --> 01:06:28,782 Then he says, & apos; Good Tits, Betsy, os 854 01:06:31,112 --> 01:06:33,072 which is sexist 855 01:06:34,574 --> 01:06:35,664 Then he says, & apos; Statler and Waldorf are gay, 856 01:06:35,742 --> 01:06:37,872 857 01:06:37,952 --> 01:06:39,162 the homophobia . 858 01:06:39,871 --> 01:06:44,921 Then he mocks the person to say it He is captured by a policewoman. 859 01:06:46,127 --> 01:06:50,467 Then he says, 860 01:06:55,762 --> 01:06:56,802 & apos; ♪ Christ has died, Christ has risen ♪ & apos; 861 01:06:56,888 --> 01:06:59,718 862 01:06:59,807 --> 01:07:02,687 which sounds phenomenal but also offends. 863 01:07:05,355 --> 01:07:07,395 Then he told the cat for an hour. 864 01:07:09,192 --> 01:07:11,652 What I don't enjoy because I don't have a sense of humor. 865 01:07:15,365 --> 01:07:19,285 Then he doesn't tell a joke about Muslims Because he loves ISIS! 866 01:07:23,331 --> 01:07:26,501 Then he said, & apos; I just tried to fucking help you, you cunt! & apos; 867 01:07:29,045 --> 01:07:30,545 Then he leaves. " 868 01:07:40,223 --> 01:07:41,473 And all that is true. 869 01:07:44,519 --> 01:07:46,939 That's why I am careful when I tell jokes on stage, 870 01:07:47,021 --> 01:07:49,571 because anything can be taken out of context. people... 871 01:07:50,316 --> 01:07:53,526 killed 872 01:07:54,696 --> 01:07:56,026 So, I put this in your hands. 873 01:07:57,949 --> 01:07:59,699 You can choose to leave here and quote me out of context, 874 01:08:01,369 --> 01:08:04,159 or you can choose not to do it. 875 01:08:05,790 --> 01:08:07,250 876 01:08:09,043 --> 01:08:10,423 But I believe that you will not do it. 877 01:08:12,005 --> 01:08:13,335 Because we are neighbors. 878 01:08:15,967 --> 01:08:17,467 And whether you like it or not... 879 01:08:20,430 --> 01:08:21,560 we are married 880 01:08:36,279 --> 01:08:38,869 Thank you. Thank you very much for being part of this. 881 01:08:38,948 --> 01:08:41,948 ♪ Christ has lied Christ is imprisoned ♪ 882 01:08:42,035 --> 01:08:47,865 ♪ Christ will come at ten o'clock ♪ 883 01:08:49,542 --> 01:08:50,712 Thank you very much. 884 01:08:50,793 --> 01:08:53,713 See you later, everyone. See you in the neighborhood. 885 01:09:00,470 --> 01:09:03,720 - [man] Exclusive Wet Money! - [man 2 laughs] 886 01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:07,476 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! 887 01:09:08,019 --> 01:09:09,599 Pesto. 888 01:09:09,687 --> 01:09:10,897 Wet money 889 01:09:11,898 --> 01:09:13,148 Take a look! 890 01:09:13,816 --> 01:09:16,856 ♪ We have to fly, yeah Don't have time to eat ♪ 891 01:09:16,944 --> 01:09:20,454 ♪ Throw my things into my bag When I jump to my feet ♪ 892 01:09:20,531 --> 01:09:24,041 ♪ The bag is full of beans Some bread around cold sores ♪ 893 01:09:24,118 --> 01:09:27,618 ♪ I don't know it's something Until a woman starts singing ♪ 894 01:09:27,705 --> 01:09:31,375 ♪ Nuts in the air, nuts in the air ♪ 895 01:09:31,459 --> 01:09:34,339 ♪ Everyone waving nuts in the air ♪ 896 01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:38,300 ♪ Nuts in the air, nuts in the air ♪ 897 01:09:38,383 --> 01:09:41,263 ♪ Everyone waving nuts in the air ♪ 898 01:09:41,344 --> 01:09:44,474 ♪ Boys, get off the plane I don't want to fight ♪ 899 01:09:44,555 --> 01:09:47,885 ♪ Snuck to the end So he won't use EpiPen ♪ ♪ I tried to calm her down Examples from around ♪ 900 01:09:47,975 --> 01:09:51,515 ♪ Nuts in muffins Nuts on bread now ♪ 901 01:09:51,604 --> 01:09:55,274 ♪ Peanuts from above the ground ♪ 902 01:09:56,526 --> 01:09:58,566 ♪ Nuts in pesto Nuts that I consume-oh ♪ 903 01:09:58,653 --> 01:10:01,783 904 01:10:01,864 --> 01:10:05,374 ♪ I said, "Hey Did he not get that thing?" 905 01:10:06,994 --> 01:10:08,794 ♪ Where does my sandwich go? ♪ 906 01:10:08,871 --> 01:10:10,251 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 907 01:10:10,331 --> 01:10:13,131 ♪ I swear I just took it out Pull it out ♪ 908 01:10:13,209 --> 01:10:15,999 ♪ Yes, and now It's in the woman's mouth ♪ 909 01:10:16,087 --> 01:10:19,877 This is Mike Birbiglia's special comedy! 910 01:10:19,966 --> 01:10:22,426 The greatest comedian in the world! 911 01:10:23,302 --> 01:10:27,222 He didn't tell me to say that. That's just one thing I think about. 912 01:10:28,266 --> 01:10:31,056 He will never say such a thing about himself. 913 01:10:31,728 --> 01:10:33,058 He is very humble. 914 01:10:34,647 --> 01:10:37,277 Submitted by: www.subtitlecinema.com