1 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000 2 00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:26,068 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, 3 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:29,780 Maz Jobrani! 4 00:01:05,941 --> 00:01:07,901 What's the matter, D.C?! 5 00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:10,237 Oh! 6 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,407 Oh! Kennedy Center, how are you? 7 00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:15,909 Whoo! 8 00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:19,204 Whoo! ♪ Fight strength, fight strength ♪ 9 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,498 ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪ 10 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,543 God. This is amazing. 11 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:28,380 I don't think Public Enemy ever thought someone will dance Persia... 12 00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:30,673 for "Fighting Power." 13 00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:32,342 ♪ Fight against strength, ohh ♪ 14 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,510 ♪ Fight against strength ♪ 15 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,805 ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai Ohh, oh-oh-ohh ♪ 16 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:39,891 ♪ Ohh, how come ♪ 17 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,897 Whoo! Oh! 18 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:49,943 I'm happy to be here. This is a dream come true. 19 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:52,904 I wanted to shoot for a long time at Washington D.C. 20 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:55,657 for the past 20 years, since I started doing standup. 21 00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:59,119 I swear to God. And that happens here. I am pleased. 22 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,079 I'm happy. 23 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:07,294 Very cool. And I like D.C. Very diverse. 24 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,897 When I start my show, I always want to see who is in the audience. 25 00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:11,673 Applause, where are my immigrants? 26 00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:14,301 Immigrants, with applause. Let me hear you. Yes! 27 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,845 My people! My people! 28 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:19,806 Immigrants. 29 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,516 Immigrants. 30 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,769 Non-immigrants. Let me hear non-immigrants. 31 00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,812 You've been here for generations. Yes! 32 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:28,231 Yes! Yes! 33 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:32,069 Yes! Thank you for coming, white man. Thank you. 34 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,155 You made it official. Thank you very much. 35 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:38,158 What's your name, white man there? What is your name? 36 00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,243 - Ed. - Ed! Thank you, Ed. 37 00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:43,914 Thank you. Ed got a license, we showed up. 38 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:49,086 This is really cool. I am an immigrant too. I was born in Iran. I grew up in America. 39 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,254 Where are my Iranians? Let me hear Iranians. 40 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,799 Yes. Yes. 41 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:59,429 Ed, I know they will be here because it's part of the nuclear agreement. 42 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,014 They must appear. Yes. 43 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,558 Thank you for coming, Iranian. 44 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:04,851 Where are my Arabs? The Arans? 45 00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:08,814 Yala, habibi! Yala, yala! 46 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,168 By the way, white people, that's how you get Arabs. 47 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,611 If you are looking for Arabs, go... They volunteer. 48 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:16,405 They must. 49 00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:18,949 I really can work for TSA. 50 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,743 I will find Arabs all day long. 51 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:25,372 I will cheat them. I will like, "Take out your liquid , computer and... 52 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,125 Here. Five. I get five. 53 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,252 I got five." 54 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:35,465 What kind of Arabic are you there? You. 55 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,051 - Syria. - Syria! Thank you, Syria, for coming! 56 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:41,388 Yes! Thank you! Yes! 57 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:50,355 Syria is accepted here. You are welcome. We love you. 58 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:52,774 We love you. Right. 59 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:56,611 That's how we roll over. 60 00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:58,989 Thank you. 61 00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:02,951 This is amazing. Are there Indians at home? Indian people? 62 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,287 Yes! Look at you guys. 63 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,038 I also love you. 64 00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:09,624 I love you very much, I married one of you. 65 00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:12,794 Yes! Yes! 66 00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:16,298 Now, there is one billion of you, so it's possible we will marry you. 67 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:19,301 That's either them or Chinese, you know? 68 00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:22,679 Every Chinese person is at home? Chinese? 69 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,639 Thank you, Chinese woman! 70 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:29,936 You have to improve your game. There are more Indians than you are now, 71 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,022 so you might want, you know... 72 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,983 - What's your name, Chinese woman? - Stephanie. 73 00:04:35,066 --> 00:04:38,069 Stephanie. A very Chinese name. 74 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:42,282 Stephanie. Ethnic names like that. 75 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:46,203 What are the other backgrounds? Who else is here tonight? 76 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:47,704 Where? 77 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,122 - Pakistan! - Wait, stop. 78 00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,666 Pakistan, don't shout like that. Make it easy to relax. 79 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:52,959 This person. 80 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,051 Don't you watch the news? 81 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,304 Pakistan. Pakistan! Aah! 82 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,388 Good. 83 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,017 - What? - Azerbaijan! 84 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,979 - Azerbaijan? And what are you saying? - El Salvador. 85 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:16,358 El Salvador, Azerbaijan. Together for them, right now. 86 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:17,526 Good. 87 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,199 Guys, Netflix is international now, 88 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:26,618 so we will continue to run until we hit every country. 89 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:33,250 Listen, the reason I ask all this is because I want to make a point. 90 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,493 There are many people who come from all over the world who came to America, we are immigrants, and we love America. 91 00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:38,380 We come, we love America. Right? 92 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:41,216 People need to know. There are many anti-immigrant sentiments now. 93 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:47,057 People need to know that we love America. 94 00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:48,890 We came here for a reason, and we contributed, by the way 95 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:51,226 We contribute to America in many ways, right? 96 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,937 We contribute... 97 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,564 98 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,611 with business and intellectuals, in many ways. 99 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:02,988 Even culturally, we contribute. 100 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,574 I will contribute to American culture now. 101 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:09,327 Are you ready? I will teach you something. This is something we do in Iran. 102 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,538 I want you to take it. Now you can use it. 103 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:15,292 Ed, if you've ever sung a song, and you're stuck in that song, 104 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,627 I will teach you how to out of the song. 105 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:20,797 If you don't know the song lyrics, you have to do... 106 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,300 ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ 107 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,887 Yes. This is an Iranian thing. It gets you out of any song, Ed. 108 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:31,099 Any song. Like the song "Fight the Power." If I don't know the lyrics... 109 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:34,227 ♪ Against strength Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ 110 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,479 "Lai-lai-lai" works! It can be any song. 111 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:39,441 Ed, you can sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to a child. 112 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:40,525 You are stuck. You go... 113 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,904 ♪ Itsy bitsy spider Ride on the water spout ♪ 114 00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:46,281 ♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ 115 00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,449 That's it! 116 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,995 "Lai-lai-lai" is a great way out of a song. 117 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:56,041 Guys, if I ever sang the national anthem in a baseball game, 118 00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:57,500 You will know when I'm stuck. 119 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:02,797 I will be at a baseball game, in the Washington Nationals. 120 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:06,468 ♪ O say can you see ♪ 121 00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:11,640 ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪ 122 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,184 ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪ 123 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,645 ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪ 124 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,605 ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪ 125 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,649 ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪ 126 00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:24,986 ♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ 127 00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,489 ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪ 128 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,574 ♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai 129 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,743 ♪ Lai-lai-lai ♪ [ululasi] 130 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,495 ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪ 131 00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:35,872 ♪ And home of the brave ♪ 132 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,916 Yes! That's right! 133 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,590 That's how I will sing anthem. 134 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,550 And then I will be deported. 135 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:49,927 God. 136 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:54,224 Speaking of being deported, Trump is the president, and... 137 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,851 Yes I know. I still don't believe that. 138 00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,145 Every time I see him talking, 139 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:03,024 I just waited for him to leave, "Right from New York, it's Saturday Night!" 140 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:07,278 You will be like, "Oh my God, this is the longest sketch ever. 141 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:09,572 Wow!" 142 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:13,994 God. I have to tell you, I know some of you may have chosen him. 143 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:16,246 I know that some immigrants actually chose Trump 144 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:20,333 because they want less tax, but they end up with fewer relatives. 145 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,586 Yes. That happened. 146 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,967 I will be honest. When all things ban Muslims... 147 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,610 people say Muslim prohibitions... they ask me, "Are you afraid?" 148 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,718 I go, "I am not afraid personally of the Muslim ban." 149 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:36,683 Because honest truth is I'm really not religious. 150 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,436 I was born in Iran, but I am not really religious. 151 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:43,064 I'm not really Muslim. I am more like a Muslim. 152 00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,817 Do you know? This is how I am Muslim: 153 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:49,320 I can play a Muslim in a film. You will go see it, you will believe it. 154 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,865 You will go to the movies, You will see me on the screen. 155 00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,324 "Allahu Akbar!" 156 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,952 "Oh, he's fine. Look at that. Wow." 157 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,331 "He speaks languages. Wow. 158 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,000 He... 159 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,879 He is fluent in Muslim. 160 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,006 Wow." 161 00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:10,842 But the honest truth is I am not that religion. 162 00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:13,428 If I am truly Muslim, I must fast during Ramadan. 163 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:14,572 I did not fast during Ramadan. 164 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,973 I can't drink alcohol. I drink alcohol. 165 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:20,518 I have to pray five times a day. I don't pray. 166 00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:23,480 The only time I prayed is if I almost had an accident. 167 00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:26,608 And then I went, "Oh, Jesus!" 168 00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:31,029 Yes. Yes. 169 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,114 Yes. 170 00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,117 That is the wrong God! That is the wrong God! 171 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,788 I just say, "Oh, Jesus," because it's faster. 172 00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:40,872 "Oh, Jesus!" 173 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:43,124 "Oh, Muhammad!" Too long. 174 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,417 Too long. 175 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,211 Too long. 176 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,379 Yes. 177 00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,590 If you go, "Oh, Muhammad," 178 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,259 You will get the accident, You will be in the ambulance, 179 00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:56,113 on the way to the hospital... "I should go with Jesus." 180 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,556 Do you know what I'm saying? I only say. 181 00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:01,726 I just said. 182 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,855 So, I'm not too worried about the Muslim ban personally, 183 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,650 but my cousin, Majid... is a messy person, okay? 184 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,986 He is a true Muslim. He prayed five times a day, 185 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:15,323 fasting during Ramadan. Like, he has to go, you know. 186 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:17,408 No, I didn't say that, Trump said. He must go. 187 00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,869 I love him, he's a nice guy, but he has to go. 188 00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,705 I just said, if the FBI shows up at my house 189 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,917 and go, "Are there Muslims?" I will be like, "Yes. Majid." 190 00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,005 I won't lie to the FBI. 191 00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,301 Actually, friends, that's kind of sad, 192 00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:38,221 because, like I said, I am Iranian and my wife is Indian, 193 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,265 so our children are all colored, and... 194 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,561 it's very sad. When Trump won, my little girl six years old came to me. 195 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,647 He's scared. He left, "Father, will I be deported?" 196 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:50,233 Yes. And I said, "No, honey, . You will not be deported. You were born here. You will not be deported. But Cousin Majid must go. You may want to say goodbye." 197 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,777 You know, as a comedian, it's already been very difficult to compete with Trump, 198 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,737 because he said so much bullshit all the time. 199 00:10:58,116 --> 00:10:59,909 It's been very difficult. I swear to God. Listen, I don't know if you remember... 200 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:06,291 a while ago, he did a press conference, 201 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,960 and I really watched. I feel sorry for him, 202 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,964 203 00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:15,133 204 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:18,052 205 00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:20,263 he held a press conference, without reason, 206 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,473 he decided to provide some information. 207 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:26,394 Nobody asked him. He just decided, "By the way, I just want everyone to know 208 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:32,066 that I won this election with the Electoral College voter vote since Ronald Reagan." 209 00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:33,651 And reporters say, "Sir, actually, 210 00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,361 Barack Obama has more Electoral College than you do." 211 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,864 He went, "Okay, alright. But I won the most Electoral College for Republicans 212 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,032 since Ronald Reagan." 213 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:42,535 And the reporter left, "Sir! Actually... 214 00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:43,703 George Bush Sr. has more Electoral College than you do." 215 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,788 216 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:49,918 217 00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:53,838 He went, "Fine, I win the most Electoral College selection for Republicans in this election. Can we agree with that?" 218 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,882 I hope that's what he will say. 219 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,430 What he really said was, "Well, someone told me." 220 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:05,475 Who told you? 221 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,394 Is there a man in the bathroom? What the hell? 222 00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,231 Is he in the bathroom? "Hey, by the way, 223 00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:14,400 You won the most Electoral College elections since..." 224 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,644 "Can I tell the world? I want to go tell them that." 225 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,405 Guys, I'm watching that. I feel sorry for him, 226 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,826 because I realized he was not eligible 227 00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,495 become President of the United States. 228 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,514 It's just not. 229 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:28,538 He is not. 230 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:30,166 231 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:38,132 And listen, let me tell you something. Listening. 232 00:12:38,216 --> 00:12:41,678 That's not for Poo-poo at him, okay? None of us qualifies... 233 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:44,764 No, this is the Kennedy Center. Two of you qualify. 234 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,767 But most people don't meet the requirements 235 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,436 become President of the United States. 236 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,122 This is the most important work In the world. 237 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:55,483 This is not a managerial position in Carl & rsquo; okay? 238 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:59,070 And it's the only job where people go, "Do you know what? I want outsiders. I want someone who has never done this 239 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,593 to go in there and try it, see what happened. " 240 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:03,449 You don't hear people like that, "I want a surgeon who is an outsider. 241 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:07,245 Someone who has never operated before. 242 00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:09,998 243 00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:13,876 Someone who will take my left eye and put it in my right eye. " 244 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,922 That's what we have as president now. There are so many countries! " 245 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:27,807 Can't you imagine that? 246 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:31,102 She's like," Wow. Malta is a country? Very? I think it's ice cream. 247 00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:35,148 You mean Madagascar is not an animated film? What ?! " 248 00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:38,234 The only place he seems to know is Mar-a-Lago. 249 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:42,655 Every week, Mar-a-Lago, Mar-a-Lago. 250 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,909 How long will he go... And he kept sending Jared Kushner, 251 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:50,288 His son-in-law, to the most dangerous places in the world. 252 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,332 253 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,752 254 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,254 255 00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:01,132 I think he tried to get rid of it from his daughter-in-law. 256 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:03,926 I swear to God. 257 00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:10,641 Every week: "You go to Iraq. I will go to Mar-a-Lago. You go to... 258 00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:14,812 Yes, you don't need a vest. No bulletproof vest. Go there. I will go to Mar-a-Lago. " 259 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,397 This is a mess, and we have seen it, and some of it... 260 00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:20,860 Listen, bro, it's like, uh... we saw it with a travel ban. 261 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:24,947 That's very bad. I have to admit, as an Iranian-American, 262 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:27,617 I am offended by a travel ban, 263 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,410 because the fact is, they tried to sell it to America, 264 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:32,038 said that it was for American security, to keep terrorists out of the country. 265 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,416 And none of those countries on the travel ban 266 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,710 267 00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,962 has committed acts of terror in America. 268 00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:42,757 Right? 269 00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:52,392 Yes, and then they have the guts to introduce 2.0 Tire Travel. 270 00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,645 Like an iPhone update. They are just... 271 00:14:57,939 --> 00:14:59,941 I am very upset. I'm watching TV, 272 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:02,652 and Kellyanne Conway is on TV, and she's trying... 273 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,612 No, listen. No, of course. 274 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,907 Yes. Yes. How do you feel about him? 275 00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:11,411 Listen, I'm watching it on TV, 276 00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:14,497 and he said, "Only a little inconvenience at the airport. That's no big deal. 277 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:15,790 After September 11, when there is a further inspection at the airport, 278 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:18,709 I don't mind being investigated, my own safety. " 279 00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:21,629 I want to shake it and leave, "It's not just a small inconvenience." 280 00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:24,400 281 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,664 Because I heard the true story. As an Iranian-American, 282 00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:30,138 I get a true story. There are torn families, 283 00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,807 people who need medical attention who can't get it, 284 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,976 marriage canceled, all kinds of goods. 285 00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:38,396 And I was very upset, I went down to Los Angeles International, LAX, 286 00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:42,191 and I protested. I went down to protest. Yes! Yes! 287 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,359 Yes! 288 00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:54,203 I have to tell you, if you have not protested, you must. 289 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:55,913 This is very fun. 290 00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:58,666 No, find any protest, You just go down and you line up. 291 00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:01,002 That's very... I swear to God. He became president... 292 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:03,379 every weekend, I find a protest. That is good. 293 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:07,675 No, you only go there, they give you cookies. Very tasty. 294 00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,928 And that's good practice. I have been exercising very well. 295 00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:14,474 People go, "Have you done Pilates?" I went, "No, I've done Trump-ates. 296 00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:18,561 Just do Trump-ates, Trump-ates, Trump-ates." 297 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:23,024 Guys, I'm excited. I went to LAX, and I marched. 298 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:25,027 We all line up, some men appear and leave, 299 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,320 "Bro, this is the most amazing thing In the world. 300 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:31,032 This is the greatest diversity I have ever seen in Los Angeles." 301 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:34,994 And I left, "Bro, that's because we are at the airport. 302 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:40,708 People really fly from all over the world when we talk." 303 00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:43,239 She's like, "But there are Asians." 304 00:16:43,294 --> 00:16:45,546 I went, "That's because AirAsia Just landed! 305 00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:50,551 Do you think everyone appears in protest with luggage? What's the matter? " 306 00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:54,764 There are some poor Korean men. He just tried to cross the road. 307 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,475 This person:" Excuse me, excuse me. Yes, excuse me. 308 00:16:57,558 --> 00:17:01,020 Yes I know. Trump must go, but so do I! 309 00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:03,563 I have to... 310 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,985 I go to Disneyland, please. "Excuse me." We were there, all lined up together, 311 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:15,076 everything became fantastic. We marched, moved forward. 312 00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:18,287 And then suddenly riot police came out, 313 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:21,541 and I was like, "Oh , damn it. 314 00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:24,210 I will only protest here for a while. " 315 00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,712 316 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:29,549 317 00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,217 318 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,888 319 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,647 But white people don't care. 320 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:48,276 They just, "Get out of my way, copper. I come. That's my right. 321 00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:51,821 I come, copper. Get out of my way. That's my right." 322 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,077 He just walked. "This is my Third Amendment, 323 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,079 My Ninth Amendment." He knows the amendments! 324 00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:03,291 "This is my 45th Amendment." 325 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,085 I am behind. "There are 45 amendments?" 326 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:16,512 I swear to God, I see a white man 327 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:19,223 with his finger on his face from riot police, 328 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,474 just waving his finger, 329 00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:23,394 and riot police controlled his hand on his stick, ready to go. 330 00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:26,689 He waved. I'm behind. I'm like, "Calm down, white man! 331 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,153 You will get us in trouble!" 332 00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:37,283 Mexicans: "Now is the right time to go to the bathroom. 333 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,957 Don't fail me now!" 334 00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:49,837 Guys, I'm very afraid of protest. I will tell you how scared I am. 335 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,714 I brought my passport to protest. 336 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:57,303 Yes. Who took their passports to protest? 337 00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:59,013 Immigrants. 338 00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:01,557 I will not be deported. 339 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:05,519 If the police stop me, "Officer, . I'm with you. God bless America. 340 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,146 God bless you. 341 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:16,989 Make America great again, Officer. 342 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,533 Officer, I'm with you, but my cousin, Majid... . You can have it if you want. " 343 00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:21,118 my Lord. As you know, I'm a Democrat, I'm liberal, 344 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:28,417 but I have a Republican friend. 345 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,044 I love you no matter where you are, are you Democrats, Republicans. 346 00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:33,207 347 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,524 If you are Republican, I love you. 348 00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,485 Even though you do what you do, I still love you. 349 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:40,304 The night of election, I was at a party with many of my liberal friends, 350 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:43,474 and when Hillary lost, my liberal friends were destroyed. 351 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:46,185 They cry. They are destroyed. 352 00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:50,064 And I was also broken, but not only because he lost, 353 00:19:50,147 --> 00:19:55,945 but also because I donated $ 1,000 to his campaign. 354 00:19:57,238 --> 00:20:01,283 So, when I watch him lose on TV, I'm like, "This bitch... 355 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:11,210 just lost me $ 1,000! 356 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,508 You mean I don't have to donate $ 1,000?" 357 00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:20,052 Don't get me wrong. I am not a baller that I just donated $ 1,000 out the gate. Not. 358 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:22,847 I donated 250 because I felt that was what I could. 359 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:26,475 360 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,394 That is the duty of my citizens. It's finished. 361 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:32,606 But whoever you are, if you donate on both sides, you know how it works. 362 00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:35,776 They sent you an e-mail one week later asks you to donate again. 363 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:38,904 So, a week later, I got an email: "Maz, thank you for 250. 364 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,199 But if you give us 250 more, 365 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,443 You will put us above. We will win this crap." 366 00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,665 I'm really stupid. "Honey, I just got an email from Hillary Clinton. 367 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,132 He said 250 more, they will win it. It's on our shoulders." 368 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:01,177 I fell for that crap four times. 369 00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:09,894 Who is that bastard now? 370 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,982 I still remember that night. Oh, my God. 371 00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:17,902 I was surprised. Everyone is surprised when Hillary loses. 372 00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:19,779 Trump was surprised when he won. 373 00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:22,281 He doesn't expect to win. 374 00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:25,242 Look at the video when he appeared on the stage when he won. 375 00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:28,829 Notice how slowly he walks. He doesn't believe we chose him. 376 00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:31,165 He is like, "Are you sure? They chose me? 377 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:34,960 I really don't think he wants to win. 378 00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:36,378 Not me. Yes, I tell you. 379 00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:40,424 I'm serious. 380 00:21:40,508 --> 00:21:43,010 He's a megalomaniac billionaire a businessman who likes to tweet. 381 00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:45,262 He doesn't want to win. 382 00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:50,392 He tried to say more crazy and things that were crazier, 383 00:21:50,476 --> 00:21:51,685 hope we won't choose it, but we choose him. 384 00:21:51,769 --> 00:21:53,687 I know he wants to lose when he comes out and says 385 00:21:53,771 --> 00:21:55,940 386 00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,983 387 00:21:58,067 --> 00:22:00,861 that Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS. 388 00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:04,090 Remember when he said that? "Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS." 389 00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:07,243 Then the next day, he continued the conservative radio program, 390 00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:09,328 and the announcer tries to help him. 391 00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:11,914 He went, "Sir, do you mean that Barack Obama's policy caused the creation of ISIS and therefore where are we now?" 392 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:15,334 And he said, "No. 393 00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:16,585 I mean Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS." 394 00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:23,676 I'm watching that. I'm like, "This bastard tried to lose!" 395 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:28,556 God. 396 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:33,310 But people choose him. Again, some of you may be here. 397 00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:36,730 The number one thing I heard is a lot of Trump voters saying: 398 00:22:36,814 --> 00:22:40,150 "I love him because he said what was on his mind. 399 00:22:40,234 --> 00:22:43,571 400 00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:48,325 He just said what was on his mind. He only says what's on his mind! " 401 00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,054 You go," What do you think on the policy? " 402 00:22:51,078 --> 00:22:55,291 " I don't know about the policy. He only said what was on his mind. " 403 00:22:56,292 --> 00:22:58,961 I think that is the stupidest thing I've heard 404 00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:01,463 until I went to visit... Yes, seriously. I thought it was the stupidest thing , my own mother. Iranian woman. 405 00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:09,138 She has fallen to the line. 406 00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:12,600 My own mother. She left, "Maz, I like this man 407 00:23:12,683 --> 00:23:14,685 because he said what was on his mind. " 408 00:23:14,768 --> 00:23:18,063 I go," Mom, are you crazy? He is anti-immigrant. 409 00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:21,984 If he becomes President, your family cannot come to visit you. " 410 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,821 411 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,782 412 00:23:28,866 --> 00:23:30,826 He said, "I don't like it either." 413 00:23:37,541 --> 00:23:40,127 He left, "Maz, he said what was on his mind so I don't need to say it what's on my mind... 414 00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:42,421 which one, & apos; Stop visiting me, you cheap ***! 415 00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:46,175 What am I, Air-b-and-b? " 416 00:23:47,176 --> 00:23:49,178 Right? 417 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:54,183 Many immigrants like Trump. Many immigrants enter this country, 418 00:24:01,649 --> 00:24:04,735 and they don't want more than they come. 419 00:24:04,818 --> 00:24:06,820 I was in Uber with an older Armenian man. 420 00:24:07,905 --> 00:24:10,532 This person loves Trump. Almost doesn't speak English, but he loves Trump. 421 00:24:10,616 --> 00:24:14,203 The whole drive, he tried to tell me how great a politician he is. 422 00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,966 He keeps saying how great "politics" he is. 423 00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:19,041 Whole drive, Armenian man: "Donald Trump, number one politics. 424 00:24:19,875 --> 00:24:22,795 425 00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,297 Very good politics. Political number one. 426 00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:29,301 Number one politics that is very good. A very good political number. " 427 00:24:29,385 --> 00:24:32,596 Finally, I left," Dude, he is anti-immigrant. You are an immigrant! " 428 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,515 He said," Yes, but I'm here. 429 00:24:40,604 --> 00:24:42,731 For me, politics is good. 430 00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:44,984 For my cousin, not good politics. Very bad. " 431 00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:47,695 I went," You also have a cousin Majid? " 432 00:24:51,949 --> 00:24:53,534 But no matter what you say about Trump, 433 00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:55,619 You have to admit he said what was on his mind. 434 00:24:55,703 --> 00:24:57,871 He said what was on his mind. 435 00:24:57,955 --> 00:24:59,957 Like when he said, "If you want to pick up a woman, 436 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,750 You have to take them with the vagina. " 437 00:25:02,126 --> 00:25:04,253 Yes I know. I didn't say it. He said it. 438 00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:08,757 I know. I'm very upset, I went to my mother. "Ma'am, did you hear what the man said? My mother left, "Reminds me of your father. 439 00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:11,681 May God rest his soul. 440 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,971 And his hand. 441 00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:27,484 His hands are very busy." 442 00:25:28,694 --> 00:25:30,029 Guys, think about that. 443 00:25:32,448 --> 00:25:34,033 This is now part of our political presidency. 444 00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:37,286 It will be in the book. Our children must learn it. 445 00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:40,497 Our children will learn. John F. Kennedy said, 446 00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:44,168 "Don't ask what your country can do for you. 447 00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:47,755 Ask what you can do for your country." 448 00:25:47,838 --> 00:25:50,466 And Donald J. Trump said, "Hold them with pussy!" 449 00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:52,968 Yes! 450 00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:55,846 It's in the book. 451 00:25:58,849 --> 00:25:59,850 452 00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:05,731 453 00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:09,735 And then the next day, the supporters: "It's only one pussy. 454 00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:10,819 What are you all... 455 00:26:11,445 --> 00:26:14,698 The vagina is there, she reaches for it. You will take the vagina too! Don't you take the vagina? " 456 00:26:14,782 --> 00:26:16,867 He himself came out and said it was "the dressing room conversation." 457 00:26:17,659 --> 00:26:21,121 Guys, in my 45 years as a man, 458 00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:23,791 no friend of mine ever told me that that's the step. 459 00:26:23,874 --> 00:26:27,211 I thought maybe that's why I didn't make love in high school. 460 00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:43,018 I don't know that's the step, You should be walking... 461 00:26:43,936 --> 00:26:46,456 "Hey, Gwen, how are you? What is happening? 462 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,482 A beautiful day. I caught you, Gwen! Don't move. by the vagina. 463 00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:51,068 464 00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:54,404 465 00:26:58,325 --> 00:26:59,451 466 00:27:00,536 --> 00:27:02,913 This is like Capturing a Flag. I brought you there. 467 00:27:02,996 --> 00:27:03,997 Capture the Flag. " 468 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:09,169 We live in crazy times. Because this is what happened: 469 00:27:09,253 --> 00:27:12,172 Trump needs to start taking responsibility for his words, 470 00:27:12,256 --> 00:27:15,759 because the words have meaning. They do it. They did it. They did it! 471 00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:17,553 He said things, and there has been an increase in racism, 472 00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:22,891 there has been an increase to hate crime, many anti-immigrant sentiments out there. 473 00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:26,186 He must be responsible, because the things he did encouraged racists. 474 00:27:26,270 --> 00:27:29,940 There was someone in Kansas who came out and shot two Indians, 475 00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:33,068 then went and told someone that he shot two Iranians. 476 00:27:33,152 --> 00:27:35,404 = = Got the wrong person, but he still... whatever. 477 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,365 478 00:27:39,116 --> 00:27:42,369 This is crazy. And then the Arabs, forget it. You guys, let alone... 479 00:27:42,452 --> 00:27:45,164 Don't speak Arabic on an airplane, or you don't go anywhere. 480 00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:49,751 Do you know what I'm talking about? Even before Trump became president, 481 00:27:49,835 --> 00:27:51,461 have you heard about Iraqis 482 00:27:51,545 --> 00:27:54,631 who was on Southwest flights went from LA to San Francisco? 483 00:27:54,715 --> 00:27:57,426 He was talking on the telephone, speaking Arabic to his father on the telephone. 484 00:27:57,509 --> 00:27:59,553 Passengers heard it, kicked it off the plane. 485 00:27:59,636 --> 00:28:02,076 You heard about that, right? You nod. What is your name? 486 00:28:02,139 --> 00:28:03,891 - is. - is. You heard about that, right? 487 00:28:03,974 --> 00:28:07,186 This poor guy just walked down the aisle, Arabic in... 488 00:28:07,269 --> 00:28:08,437 Just running, like... 489 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,647 "Pages, pages, pages." 490 00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:13,942 It's not Arabic, but that's how it sounds. 491 00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:17,112 He just left, "Pause, yard, yard." 492 00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:19,531 Isa, does that mean anything... "Pause, yard"? 493 00:28:19,615 --> 00:28:21,617 Am I getting closer? What about "Hala, alamahala"? 494 00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:22,701 Is that closer? 495 00:28:24,328 --> 00:28:26,705 I feel like I'm saying something. "Good luck!" 496 00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:31,460 This poor guy, just go away, "Pause, yard." 497 00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:35,505 I'm not sure if that's the way he goes, because it's not too threatening. 498 00:28:35,589 --> 00:28:38,342 If he leaves, "Regards, yard, yard." 499 00:28:39,301 --> 00:28:42,429 Passengers will like, "There are gay Arab guys... 500 00:28:47,476 --> 00:28:49,478 sashaying down the hall. 501 00:28:50,938 --> 00:28:53,607 He just goes, & apos; haha, haha, haha. 502 00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:56,026 Chanel No. 5. Pages, page. & apos; " 503 00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:03,116 I tell all my Arab friends, don't "greetings" on the plane. 504 00:29:03,992 --> 00:29:05,744 Because "halamahala" doesn't fly. 505 00:29:06,328 --> 00:29:08,705 Your "greeting," You will end up on the bus. 506 00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:09,909 Not sure where you are going. 507 00:29:11,625 --> 00:29:13,418 People are afraid of immigrants. 508 00:29:13,502 --> 00:29:16,755 And if you watch Fox News or those networks, 509 00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:18,799 You will also be afraid of immigrants. 510 00:29:18,882 --> 00:29:22,261 God. I tried to watch and a half hours from Fox News. 511 00:29:22,344 --> 00:29:24,012 I am afraid of immigrants. 512 00:29:25,180 --> 00:29:26,348 Guys, I swear to God, 513 00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:29,601 there is so much death and destruction and Armageddon in... 514 00:29:29,685 --> 00:29:32,187 There is a woman... Judge Jeanine Pirro... My God. 515 00:29:32,271 --> 00:29:35,857 This woman always yells on TV, like, "The end of the world will come." 516 00:29:35,941 --> 00:29:38,402 And he is very upset and angry. 517 00:29:38,485 --> 00:29:40,612 "Yes, here it is..." 518 00:29:40,696 --> 00:29:42,531 I tried watching one time. He panicked. 519 00:29:42,614 --> 00:29:44,866 He has this American digital flag behind him. 520 00:29:44,950 --> 00:29:47,452 He is like, "Mexicans will take our jobs, 521 00:29:47,536 --> 00:29:51,123 and Muslims will kill us, and we will be eaten by sharks. 522 00:29:51,957 --> 00:29:54,459 We will be eaten by Mexican Muslim sharks! 523 00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:57,754 With Zika virus! " 524 00:29:58,714 --> 00:30:00,465 I'm like, "Aah!" 525 00:30:02,175 --> 00:30:04,594 You need rest. Guys, the way I rest: 526 00:30:04,678 --> 00:30:06,155 I watch sports. That's how I rest. 527 00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:09,182 My wife watched Kardashian. That he breaks. 528 00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:12,333 I know, it's just a brain-killing thing. Do you know what I'm saying? 529 00:30:12,394 --> 00:30:14,354 Like, I don't pay attention... 530 00:30:14,438 --> 00:30:17,107 The only time I pay attention to to Kardashians 531 00:30:17,190 --> 00:30:19,901 is when Bruce Jenner becomes Caitlyn Jenner. 532 00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:21,278 Right? Remember that? 533 00:30:21,361 --> 00:30:23,989 I know some Middle Eastern people being uncomfortable 534 00:30:24,072 --> 00:30:25,365 when I talk about it. 535 00:30:25,449 --> 00:30:28,660 Now, Ed... "Maz, please talk again about Trump's politics. 536 00:30:28,744 --> 00:30:29,911 I don't want to talk about... 537 00:30:31,246 --> 00:30:33,415 Sex change makes me very uncomfortable." 538 00:30:34,875 --> 00:30:36,710 Guys, I'm fine, okay? 539 00:30:36,793 --> 00:30:38,754 Anyone who knows with that much confidence 540 00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:41,298 that they want to be another sex, is good for them. 541 00:30:41,381 --> 00:30:42,382 Yes! 542 00:30:43,050 --> 00:30:44,217 I'm serious. 543 00:30:48,013 --> 00:30:50,724 That person knows what he wants to be a woman, okay? 544 00:30:50,807 --> 00:30:52,976 I can't even decide what to eat for dinner. 545 00:30:55,228 --> 00:30:56,708 Ask me, "What do you want for dinner?" 546 00:30:56,772 --> 00:30:58,899 "I don't know. Sushi, Italian, Chinese, I'm not sure." 547 00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:00,150 This person? "Woman." 548 00:31:01,401 --> 00:31:02,561 Ask me, "Want to be a woman?" 549 00:31:02,611 --> 00:31:05,030 "I don't know. Let's eat sushi. We can talk about it." 550 00:31:07,115 --> 00:31:09,195 I am very liberal when I come for such things. 551 00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:12,496 Even when gay marriage became legal in the whole country, I was very excited. 552 00:31:12,579 --> 00:31:15,290 I sent a tweet: "Congratulations to my gay friends. 553 00:31:15,374 --> 00:31:16,534 You can finally get married." 554 00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:18,627 Arabs tweeted me again: 555 00:31:18,710 --> 00:31:22,089 "Maz, gay marriage is not accepted in our community." 556 00:31:22,172 --> 00:31:23,972 I hit it again. I go, "What are you afraid of? 557 00:31:24,049 --> 00:31:26,593 They will start proposing to you, are you hairy bastards?" 558 00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:29,805 Right? 559 00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:37,104 You think you will walk the way, 560 00:31:37,187 --> 00:31:39,940 a gay man will jump from the bush? ap Marry me! & apos; " 561 00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:49,533 Stop judging, man. Take care of yourself first. 562 00:31:49,616 --> 00:31:51,660 Right? Dealing with yourself first. 563 00:31:53,036 --> 00:31:54,037 Oh! 564 00:31:56,164 --> 00:31:58,500 And this is positive news for the LGBT community. 565 00:31:58,583 --> 00:32:01,837 Already positive news for the LGBT community. Yes. 566 00:32:06,216 --> 00:32:09,344 Now I know now there is a group of Persians behind, 567 00:32:09,428 --> 00:32:10,429 they are confused. 568 00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:14,933 I guarantee someone's father doesn't know what the "LGBT community" is. 569 00:32:15,016 --> 00:32:17,060 They think it's a bank. I guarantee you. 570 00:32:18,937 --> 00:32:21,857 I swear, there is now a man: "LGBT Community Bank? 571 00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:27,362 Maz, I am with HSBC, but I can go LGBT. Is the interest rate good?" 572 00:32:28,488 --> 00:32:29,948 "LGBT" stands for "lesbian, gay, bi and transgender." 573 00:32:32,242 --> 00:32:35,829 They are getting confused. 574 00:32:35,912 --> 00:32:37,456 "He said & apos; buy & apos; and & apos; transaction. & Apos; That's a bank." 575 00:32:38,748 --> 00:32:41,543 He is an Olympic champion, man. I watched... 576 00:32:45,422 --> 00:32:48,341 577 00:32:48,425 --> 00:32:51,595 My mother was watching the last Olympics when Usain Bolt won. 578 00:32:51,678 --> 00:32:54,347 Right? The fastest man in the world. Usain Bolt wins. 579 00:32:54,431 --> 00:32:57,225 My mother called me. "Maz, did you see? 580 00:32:57,309 --> 00:32:59,019 Hossein Bolt just won." 581 00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:03,231 I went, "Mom, it's Usain." "No, this is Hossein. They forgot & apos; H & apos;" 582 00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:06,568 I go, "Mom, it's Usain. She's Jamaican." 583 00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:08,236 "No, he's one of us. Hossein. 584 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:11,573 He's an Iranian, maybe an Arab. But he's Hossein." 585 00:33:12,324 --> 00:33:14,242 I go, "Mom, she's black." "We have black people! 586 00:33:14,326 --> 00:33:16,244 The southern part of Iran, we have black people." 587 00:33:17,204 --> 00:33:21,166 He... He tried to take credit for Usain Bolt. 588 00:33:22,626 --> 00:33:25,754 Do you know how much you have to suck to race against Usain Bolt? 589 00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:28,548 Because you know you will lose every time. 590 00:33:28,632 --> 00:33:32,093 Everyone at the Olympics must train their four years of life. 591 00:33:32,177 --> 00:33:34,554 Eat right, exercise, do everything right, sleep properly, 592 00:33:34,638 --> 00:33:37,516 fly to the other side of the world. They appear at the start line, 593 00:33:37,599 --> 00:33:38,934 and Usain Bolt appears. 594 00:33:40,268 --> 00:33:43,480 Each of them hopes he will do it food poisoning from the night before. 595 00:33:44,189 --> 00:33:48,193 Everyone... "Oh come on! This is nonsense!" 596 00:33:49,361 --> 00:33:51,738 If I practice four years in my life, 597 00:33:51,821 --> 00:33:54,074 running, exercising, sleeping properly, doing everything right, 598 00:33:54,157 --> 00:33:56,660 fly to the other side of the world, Usain Bolt appears, 599 00:33:56,743 --> 00:33:59,996 I will do something to pay attention to. Something. 600 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,332 When I hit the gun, I will go the other way. 601 00:34:09,339 --> 00:34:12,551 Think about that. They must interview you. 602 00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:17,639 Right? 603 00:34:26,648 --> 00:34:29,568 They have to come after the race. "Why did you go the other way?" 604 00:34:29,651 --> 00:34:31,695 "In my country, you hear a gun, you go in that direction. 605 00:34:34,698 --> 00:34:36,491 We fight in my country. 606 00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:39,077 Let me come to your country, please!" 607 00:34:40,328 --> 00:34:41,621 God. 608 00:34:44,291 --> 00:34:46,459 Where are the men in their forties? 609 00:34:46,543 --> 00:34:49,879 Men in their forties, where are you, with applause? Here it is, there. 610 00:34:49,963 --> 00:34:51,047 What's your name? 611 00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:54,301 - Farid. - Farid, how old are you? 612 00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,428 - Forty things. - Forty something? 613 00:34:57,304 --> 00:34:59,222 That's 49 1/2. 614 00:35:02,642 --> 00:35:05,979 Farid, I'm 45. Let me ask one question. When you watch the Olympics, 615 00:35:06,062 --> 00:35:08,398 Are you still, in the back of your mind, think 616 00:35:08,481 --> 00:35:09,983 if you start training now... 617 00:35:12,611 --> 00:35:15,614 that in four years Can you compete in one of the events? 618 00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:17,824 Do you still have that fantasy? 619 00:35:18,575 --> 00:35:20,785 Farid, I have not given up. I'm still watching. 620 00:35:20,869 --> 00:35:22,579 I go, "I can do some of this nonsense." 621 00:35:23,455 --> 00:35:26,166 I'm watching diving. I go, "I can do dives." 622 00:35:26,249 --> 00:35:29,544 If I practice four years in my life, every day, I think I can do it. 623 00:35:29,628 --> 00:35:30,712 Farid, I am not delusional. 624 00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:33,214 I will not start the first day on high dives, 625 00:35:33,298 --> 00:35:35,467 do a triple axel. Do you know what I'm saying? 626 00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:38,470 The first week, I will only rise. Only one week... 627 00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:41,014 Only one week, I will rise. 628 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,024 Second week: Cannonball. I will work my way. 629 00:35:53,735 --> 00:35:56,529 Farid, I really understand that I actually started doing research. 630 00:35:56,613 --> 00:35:59,532 I went, "There must be a team that needs divers." 631 00:35:59,616 --> 00:36:02,035 Not Team USA, because USA always has the best. 632 00:36:02,118 --> 00:36:04,079 I think maybe Iran can use divers. 633 00:36:05,121 --> 00:36:08,958 I actually researched to see what _ Iran won the last time. 634 00:36:09,042 --> 00:36:12,170 They win in taekwondo, _ wrestling and heavy lifting. 635 00:36:12,253 --> 00:36:14,089 All individual sports. 636 00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:16,091 We can only do individual sports. 637 00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:19,135 Yes. People from that part of the world, 638 00:36:19,219 --> 00:36:22,472 Iran, Arabia, Armenia, India, we can only do individuals. 639 00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:24,057 We can't do team sports. 640 00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:26,518 No, because we don't match each other. 641 00:36:27,060 --> 00:36:30,230 We will never win the World Cup because we argue with each other. 642 00:36:31,523 --> 00:36:32,774 Do you know what I'm saying? 643 00:36:39,406 --> 00:36:41,741 Guys, I've been playing football all my life. 644 00:36:41,825 --> 00:36:44,035 Whenever I play on a team with Iran, 645 00:36:44,119 --> 00:36:46,913 we started the game with 11 players, ended with three. 646 00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:52,419 And it's not because the referee gave us a red card. 647 00:36:52,502 --> 00:36:54,170 No, we argue and leave. 648 00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:59,092 Every match, there is a man: "Skip the ball! Skip the ball! 649 00:36:59,175 --> 00:37:01,404 You don't pass, I'll leave! You don't pass the ball, I'll go. 650 00:37:01,428 --> 00:37:02,679 You have to pass the ball!" 651 00:37:11,146 --> 00:37:14,733 Every match. And then an hour later, we are all in Persian restaurants. 652 00:37:14,816 --> 00:37:15,942 This is a love festival. 653 00:37:16,735 --> 00:37:18,820 One hour later, the same person: "I'm sorry. 654 00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:22,615 Listen, friend, I love you. I love you. I went crazy. I became crazy. You didn't graduate. I open. You did not pass. I am open. 655 00:37:22,699 --> 00:37:25,452 I am open. Open. You did not pass the ball! 656 00:37:25,535 --> 00:37:29,289 657 00:37:29,372 --> 00:37:32,041 I love you. Next time, throw the ball. 658 00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:35,295 For now, give kebabs. Miss the kebab for now. 659 00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:37,380 Next... " 660 00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:44,804 Guys, I understand this 661 00:37:44,888 --> 00:37:48,433 that I really started watching to see... watching a little competition. 662 00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:51,978 I watched the dive team, and the announcer entered. 663 00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:54,314 = = He left, "Next dive for China, 664 00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:56,566 Ming Ling Li has just been ten years old. " 665 00:37:57,525 --> 00:37:58,985 I'm like," Damn! 666 00:37:59,986 --> 00:38:02,238 I'm quite mature His great grandfather. " 667 00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:05,950 Maybe I can take care of children in the next Olympics. 668 00:38:08,077 --> 00:38:10,205 Athletes remind you You're getting older. 669 00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:13,708 Athletes and children. Who has young children here? Anyone? 670 00:38:13,792 --> 00:38:17,128 = = Here it is. Farid. There. Farid, how old is your child? 671 00:38:17,212 --> 00:38:18,922 I have a five year old child and two and a half. 672 00:38:19,005 --> 00:38:22,383 Five and two and a half. Adorable, right? You love them, don't you? 673 00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:25,345 But they are also the most tiring person in the world. 674 00:38:26,012 --> 00:38:27,990 Those who don't have children, let me explain what it feels like. 675 00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:30,558 When you don't have children, when a three-day weekend appears... 676 00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:34,187 Monday holiday... When you don't have children, you make a plan. 677 00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:36,272 When you don't have children... "My God. Monday is off? 678 00:38:36,356 --> 00:38:38,483 Let's go to the beach, then we will go to the barbeque, 679 00:38:38,566 --> 00:38:42,028 and then we will go to the movie, then we can get a tattoo, 680 00:38:42,111 --> 00:38:43,696 and then adopt a pet. Then we go to climb, then we take a nap, 681 00:38:44,739 --> 00:38:46,533 then we go to climb again, but retreat for the second time. " 682 00:38:46,616 --> 00:38:49,077 You made a plan. 683 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:52,413 684 00:38:52,497 --> 00:38:55,875 When you have children, first, You forget that Monday is off... 685 00:38:56,709 --> 00:38:59,504 until you wake up on Monday and they are still there. 686 00:39:05,385 --> 00:39:08,596 You turn to your wife, like, "Why don't they go to school?! 687 00:39:11,432 --> 00:39:12,684 President's day ?! 688 00:39:13,393 --> 00:39:15,520 What kind of nonsense is that? 689 00:39:20,817 --> 00:39:24,028 How will they become president if they don't go to school? 690 00:39:26,406 --> 00:39:28,241 They really have to go to school. " 691 00:39:29,033 --> 00:39:30,910 This is how tiring kids are. 692 00:39:30,994 --> 00:39:34,873 Just a moment ago, Los Angeles District School Integrated... LAUSD... 693 00:39:34,956 --> 00:39:38,167 got a terrorist bomb threat, shut down every school in LA. 694 00:39:38,251 --> 00:39:41,004 Every child in LA is sent home. 695 00:39:41,087 --> 00:39:44,674 Every parent in LA is like, "Aah! 696 00:39:44,757 --> 00:39:46,175 Dirt! 697 00:39:47,010 --> 00:39:48,595 Are you sure it's real? 698 00:39:51,431 --> 00:39:53,516 Can we wait and see what happens? 699 00:39:57,145 --> 00:39:59,022 I have a plan!" 700 00:40:01,733 --> 00:40:04,485 Farid, my children don't go to public schools. They go to private schools, 701 00:40:04,569 --> 00:40:05,904 so they gave us a choice. 702 00:40:05,987 --> 00:40:08,990 They say we can send them to school or keep them at home. 703 00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:12,744 I am honest with them. I go, "Guys, Daddy gets paid. You go." 704 00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:17,707 But I gave them advice. I said, "You see a bomb, go the other way." 705 00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:22,253 But I told them, "Back to the Mathematics class. But I paid for the whole day." 706 00:40:22,921 --> 00:40:25,632 Guys, I did that joke. My eight-year-old son is in the audience. 707 00:40:25,715 --> 00:40:27,515 He came to me after the show, went, "Father, 708 00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:30,261 remember that day you sent us to school on the day of the terrorist bombing?" 709 00:40:31,596 --> 00:40:34,474 I go, "Yes." He left, "There are only four of us there." 710 00:40:37,185 --> 00:40:38,770 I'm like, "Damn." 711 00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:41,481 And he left, "And two of us are me and my sister!" 712 00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:51,783 I go, "Actually, I don't want you to leave. Your mother wants you to go. 713 00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:55,036 I love you. She's al-Qaeda. If you see something, say something. 714 00:40:57,622 --> 00:40:59,749 That's all I say. " 715 00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:02,752 I don't know if you remember that. That's crazy. 716 00:41:06,089 --> 00:41:08,800 The Los Angeles Unified School District is threatened by a terrorist bomb, 717 00:41:08,883 --> 00:41:11,552 turn it off. 718 00:41:11,636 --> 00:41:12,637 The city of New York is the same the bomb threat on the same day. 719 00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:16,140 Don't close it. 720 00:41:16,224 --> 00:41:18,184 That's the day I realized, in LA, we are pussies. 721 00:41:18,267 --> 00:41:21,312 As soon as we get a bomb threat: "Just close it, close the school, 722 00:41:22,522 --> 00:41:24,875 the key, everyone inside, inside! 723 00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:26,776 Do you want to go to the backyard and play? Just use a sunscreen . 724 00:41:26,859 --> 00:41:29,737 725 00:41:29,821 --> 00:41:32,501 We have lots of sunshine in Los Angeles. You must wear sunscreen. 726 00:41:32,532 --> 00:41:34,409 Do you want to have lunch? Okay, only organic, 727 00:41:34,492 --> 00:41:36,953 because we only eat organic in Los Angeles, okay? 728 00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:39,076 Do you want grapes? Can you cut grapes? 729 00:41:39,122 --> 00:41:41,541 Our children in Los Angeles don't know how to chew wine. 730 00:41:41,624 --> 00:41:42,750 You have to cut grapes. 731 00:41:43,418 --> 00:41:45,420 If you give them full wine, they only choke. 732 00:41:54,053 --> 00:41:57,807 Our children in LA don't know how... 733 00:41:57,890 --> 00:41:59,559 They can't... " 734 00:41:59,642 --> 00:42:02,895 Meanwhile, New York City has the exact same bomb threat. 735 00:42:02,979 --> 00:42:04,272 " Yo, ISIS! 736 00:42:05,565 --> 00:42:07,400 I got your bomb threat here! 737 00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:17,118 Here, ISIS! Here! " 738 00:42:19,037 --> 00:42:21,205 And that is a five-year-old girl. That's how they talk in New York City. 739 00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:24,917 740 00:42:26,127 --> 00:42:29,130 Guys, I guarantee, now there is a group of Persians behind... 741 00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:30,590 "God. 742 00:42:35,094 --> 00:42:37,096 He grabs the ball! 743 00:42:38,264 --> 00:42:40,516 I think he will do political material. 744 00:42:41,476 --> 00:42:43,269 Why does he take the ball?!" 745 00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:53,905 Ed, "tokhm" means "ball." 746 00:42:54,906 --> 00:42:56,157 Go for it. Say it. Tokhm. 747 00:42:56,866 --> 00:42:58,367 - Tokh? - Not. Tokhm! 748 00:42:58,451 --> 00:43:00,495 - Tokh. - Not. Tokhm! 749 00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:01,913 With "T" and then "khm." 750 00:43:03,331 --> 00:43:04,499 - Tokhm! - Tokhm. 751 00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:06,000 - Tokhm! - Tokhm. 752 00:43:06,084 --> 00:43:08,211 But it's fast with "M". Not too long with "M". 753 00:43:08,294 --> 00:43:10,505 You don't want "Tokhmmm." That's another thing. 754 00:43:13,466 --> 00:43:14,675 - Only tokhm! - Tokhm! 755 00:43:14,759 --> 00:43:16,010 That's great. 756 00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:18,262 See? 757 00:43:19,764 --> 00:43:20,765 This is a... 758 00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:27,498 This is a learning experience, for women and men. 759 00:43:27,522 --> 00:43:28,940 Immigrants give to culture. 760 00:43:31,067 --> 00:43:33,027 Arabs, how do you say "ball" in Arabic? 761 00:43:33,111 --> 00:43:34,570 - Baydat! - Baydat! 762 00:43:35,071 --> 00:43:37,949 Baydat? Like, "Don't buy this, baydat." 763 00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:42,662 Arabs always try to sell something to you. 764 00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:47,333 "Don't buy this. Baydat! 765 00:43:48,126 --> 00:43:49,377 Baydat! 766 00:43:50,461 --> 00:43:51,796 I gave you a good discount." 767 00:43:54,298 --> 00:43:56,425 Stephanie, how do you say "ball" in Chinese? 768 00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:58,429 That's good. I want to hear it. Teach us. 769 00:43:58,511 --> 00:44:01,097 - How do you say "ball" in Chinese? - I have no idea. 770 00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:02,181 You don't know. 771 00:44:03,099 --> 00:44:05,852 What has happened to your friend's language? 772 00:44:05,935 --> 00:44:07,353 - Qiú! - What is that? 773 00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:08,729 - Qiú. - Cool? 774 00:44:08,813 --> 00:44:10,731 - Qiú. - Qiú? 775 00:44:10,815 --> 00:44:12,441 C-H... 776 00:44:12,525 --> 00:44:13,526 -Q-I-A-O. 777 00:44:13,609 --> 00:44:15,570 U-I-A-O? Chuiao! 778 00:44:18,531 --> 00:44:20,533 There are many vowels on your ball. 779 00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:24,453 Right? Chuiao! 780 00:44:25,288 --> 00:44:28,875 They are the way you do Chinese: "C", "H", "I," "A", "O", "U", sometimes "Y". 781 00:44:29,625 --> 00:44:31,836 Chuiao! 782 00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:34,255 I like it. Chuiao. Chuiao. 783 00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:35,548 That's very close. 784 00:44:35,631 --> 00:44:37,425 Urdu Language How do you say it in Urdu? 785 00:44:37,508 --> 00:44:38,926 - Tattay. - What? 786 00:44:39,010 --> 00:44:40,928 - Tattay. - What? 787 00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:42,096 Tattay! 788 00:44:49,562 --> 00:44:51,480 I feel like you have to go, "Tattay." 789 00:44:53,149 --> 00:44:54,150 Tattay. 790 00:44:56,277 --> 00:44:57,320 Tattay. 791 00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:09,999 Right? Tattay. 792 00:45:17,006 --> 00:45:19,425 Someone raised their hand here. Yes. What language? 793 00:45:19,508 --> 00:45:20,843 - Ukraine. - Ukraine. 794 00:45:20,927 --> 00:45:23,429 Oh, shit. How do you say "ball" in Ukraine? 795 00:45:24,222 --> 00:45:25,932 - Yaytsya. - What?! 796 00:45:26,766 --> 00:45:29,352 Yaytsya? Yaytsya? 797 00:45:29,435 --> 00:45:31,479 It sounds like they were surprised to see the ball. 798 00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:34,982 In Ukraine: "Yaytsya!" 799 00:45:46,202 --> 00:45:47,370 Sign language! 800 00:45:47,453 --> 00:45:49,413 Have you just said "sign language"? 801 00:45:49,497 --> 00:45:52,875 Do you have sign language? Oh no. Very? 802 00:45:52,959 --> 00:45:55,169 This is how you do "balls" in sign language. 803 00:45:57,964 --> 00:45:59,048 You win. 804 00:46:09,350 --> 00:46:12,270 That's the best. Show me again. How do you do it? 805 00:46:13,104 --> 00:46:14,689 You have to go down, and then go up. 806 00:46:18,234 --> 00:46:20,236 Are you sure it's not an elephant ball? 807 00:46:28,077 --> 00:46:29,495 I like it! 808 00:46:30,288 --> 00:46:34,333 Look, friend? Immigrants contribute to America when we talk. 809 00:46:34,417 --> 00:46:37,545 That's all I say. That's all I say. 810 00:46:39,839 --> 00:46:42,049 How do we end up with a ball? 811 00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:43,592 Oh yeah. My children. 812 00:46:46,137 --> 00:46:47,138 Farid... 813 00:46:48,055 --> 00:46:51,726 do you raise your children modern or traditional? 814 00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:53,894 - As modern as possible. - As far as possible, modern. 815 00:46:53,978 --> 00:46:56,397 I started hearing a lot of people complaining about things 816 00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:58,524 I never knew we were supposed to complain about. 817 00:46:58,607 --> 00:47:00,776 I began to hear people come and become like, 818 00:47:00,860 --> 00:47:02,445 "My father never played to catch me." 819 00:47:04,697 --> 00:47:06,449 I told him, "My father, Iranian father... 820 00:47:06,532 --> 00:47:09,327 Immigrant father doesn't play catch with with anyone." 821 00:47:10,536 --> 00:47:12,204 I came to America, six years. 822 00:47:12,288 --> 00:47:15,124 If I go to my father when I am six years old, asks him to play catch... 823 00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:16,792 "Hey, Daddy, let's play catch," 824 00:47:16,876 --> 00:47:19,253 he will be like, "You are lucky in America. 825 00:47:22,340 --> 00:47:24,467 Do you want to play catch? I sent you to Iran. 826 00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:27,261 You can play catches with Khomeini and Saddam Hussein." 827 00:47:35,394 --> 00:47:37,229 I don't think we play catch. 828 00:47:39,148 --> 00:47:42,151 The things people will say. People say, "My father never said, & apos; I love you. & Apos;" 829 00:47:43,319 --> 00:47:45,071 I told them, "My father, Iranian father... 830 00:47:45,154 --> 00:47:47,698 The immigrant father doesn't even know What that means." 831 00:47:47,782 --> 00:47:49,509 If I go to my father... "Daddy, do you love me?" 832 00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:50,910 "Ehh. 833 00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:55,039 I'm getting used to you." 834 00:47:58,959 --> 00:48:00,378 Father of immigrants doesn't say... 835 00:48:00,461 --> 00:48:02,671 Immigrant parents don't say "I love you" all the time. 836 00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:05,716 In America, we must tell our children we love them all day long. 837 00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:07,468 In the morning, "I love you." 838 00:48:08,135 --> 00:48:09,637 At lunchtime, "I still love you." 839 00:48:10,554 --> 00:48:12,616 Afternoon, "I love you more than lunch and breakfast. 840 00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:13,974 I love you more now." 841 00:48:15,226 --> 00:48:17,853 Even when they get into trouble, You have to tell them that you love them. 842 00:48:17,937 --> 00:48:20,022 My son is in trouble... "You are in big trouble. 843 00:48:20,106 --> 00:48:22,483 You are not cleaning your room! But know that I love you. 844 00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:24,568 I am your father. I will always be there for you. 845 00:48:25,319 --> 00:48:28,989 I am the wind in under your wings. I love you so much. I don't want you to grow up and have problems with me. 846 00:48:29,073 --> 00:48:31,158 I love you so much, I'll clean your room for you. 847 00:48:31,242 --> 00:48:33,994 I love you more than your mother loves you. 848 00:48:35,663 --> 00:48:37,415 He sent you to school on the day of the terrorist bombing. " 849 00:48:37,498 --> 00:48:39,875 Immigrant parents don't say they love you. 850 00:48:43,254 --> 00:48:44,964 My parents have the words indicated that they might love us. 851 00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:49,093 My father always said, "You are the light of my eyes. 852 00:48:50,136 --> 00:48:53,722 853 00:48:53,806 --> 00:48:56,142 You are my eye light. " 854 00:48:57,852 --> 00:49:00,020 " You are the light of my eyes! " 855 00:49:00,104 --> 00:49:01,355 You will be like," Wow! " 856 00:49:01,439 --> 00:49:03,774 Yes, do not clap. Don't clap. 857 00:49:03,858 --> 00:49:06,318 Because I will be like, " Wow, is that means you love me? " 858 00:49:06,402 --> 00:49:07,820 He will be like," Ehh. 859 00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:12,450 That means I can see you in the dark. 860 00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:19,498 See what you did. " 861 00:49:23,586 --> 00:49:25,379 God. 862 00:49:25,463 --> 00:49:28,841 Children run the world now, friend. You know how I know? 863 00:49:28,924 --> 00:49:30,885 Because when I was little, I used to have to play 864 00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:33,304 with kids from friends. my parents. Now I have to play with my parents friends of my children. 865 00:49:33,387 --> 00:49:36,724 Yes. I will be five years old. 866 00:49:39,101 --> 00:49:42,104 As soon as we enter the party with my father, 867 00:49:42,188 --> 00:49:44,523 we will appear. My father: "Go away. Play with Amir. " 868 00:49:44,607 --> 00:49:48,194 869 00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:50,905 "I don't want to play with Amir!" 870 00:49:51,614 --> 00:49:53,365 "Go play with Amir!" 871 00:49:54,033 --> 00:49:56,118 "Amir is 29 years old!" 872 00:50:03,167 --> 00:50:05,377 "That's not my problem. That's the problem. Until he finds a good wife, he's their son. Go play with him." 873 00:50:06,337 --> 00:50:09,298 I am five years old. I will run in the room... "Hi, Amir. Do you have Lego?" 874 00:50:10,090 --> 00:50:13,344 "No, man. I've been weeding." 875 00:50:14,220 --> 00:50:16,138 This is another way I know that children run the world. 876 00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:24,480 You know how many parties My wife and I have gone 877 00:50:24,563 --> 00:50:27,066 because children have to go home and relax and retreat and get hurt? 878 00:50:27,149 --> 00:50:32,029 Do you know how many parties we visited? Already occurred. 879 00:50:33,489 --> 00:50:35,950 "Guys, a great party. 880 00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:37,368 Just started, but we have to go home. Children have to relax and retreat and hurt. 881 00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:39,578 882 00:50:39,662 --> 00:50:42,081 883 00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:45,543 I know, you just came out best tequila. We will party, 884 00:50:45,626 --> 00:50:49,255 but we have to go home. Children must relax and retreat and hurt. 885 00:50:49,338 --> 00:50:52,591 I know, we just had a party, but we have to go home. 886 00:50:53,425 --> 00:50:56,053 Children must relax, retreat and get hurt. " 887 00:50:56,929 --> 00:50:59,723 My parents did not leave one party 888 00:50:59,807 --> 00:51:02,893 for us to go home and relax and back and hurt. 889 00:51:04,770 --> 00:51:05,771 None. If we are tired at parties, they will be like," You want sleep? Okay. 890 00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:14,613 Go find a coat pile. 891 00:51:14,697 --> 00:51:16,782 Fall asleep on the mantle. Make sure one of the coats is my coat so I don't forget you when I go home. " 892 00:51:19,118 --> 00:51:22,037 You will continue to fall asleep on the mantle pile, and they come, 893 00:51:22,121 --> 00:51:24,290 894 00:51:28,669 --> 00:51:33,632 895 00:51:33,716 --> 00:51:36,927 they won't even wake you up. They just throw you on their shoulders. 896 00:51:37,011 --> 00:51:40,514 You will be half asleep. You will think you were kidnapped every night. 897 00:51:42,016 --> 00:51:43,601 They will throw you on their shoulders. 898 00:51:43,684 --> 00:51:45,936 You will be, "Oh, my God, this is the fifth time this week. 899 00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:47,271 They kidnapped me again!" 900 00:51:49,398 --> 00:51:51,483 And they think they are doing good parenting. 901 00:51:51,567 --> 00:51:52,985 They don't know anything. 902 00:51:53,068 --> 00:51:55,904 "Hossein, see I'm a good father. 903 00:51:55,988 --> 00:51:59,617 I put my child to sleep in a pile of coats. A good father. 904 00:51:59,700 --> 00:52:01,994 Hossein, give me a shot of vodka. I want to celebrate. He fell asleep. 905 00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:03,704 Hossein, I was driving home. Give me a shot of vodka. 906 00:52:03,787 --> 00:52:06,081 I want to celebrate. Drive home. " 907 00:52:06,165 --> 00:52:07,916 908 00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:11,086 We didn't drive drunk when I was a kid in Iran. 909 00:52:11,170 --> 00:52:13,964 We don't have a seat belt when I was a kid in Iran! 910 00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:15,341 You will be behind the car. 911 00:52:15,466 --> 00:52:17,843 Every turn, You will end up on a different side. 912 00:52:24,850 --> 00:52:27,311 Your father in front: "Hold on to your sister! 913 00:52:28,979 --> 00:52:30,314 You are the seat belt. 914 00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:32,274 I love her. 915 00:52:33,692 --> 00:52:35,569 You are my eye light." 916 00:52:48,832 --> 00:52:52,378 Now, in America, you have to put your child in the car seat until they are 35 years old. 917 00:52:52,461 --> 00:52:54,463 With a helmet. 918 00:52:58,634 --> 00:52:59,843 And video player. Just say... 919 00:53:01,095 --> 00:53:02,554 Where are couples without children? Where are you? 920 00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:10,938 Yes yes yes. Yes yes yes. 921 00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:13,691 Congratulations. 922 00:53:13,774 --> 00:53:15,484 Don't get me wrong. I like my children. We love our children. Right, Farid? 923 00:53:16,819 --> 00:53:20,739 924 00:53:20,823 --> 00:53:24,410 But when you don't have children, you have so much freedom, you don't even know. 925 00:53:24,493 --> 00:53:25,494 Yes. 926 00:53:26,787 --> 00:53:30,666 If there are suggestions that I can give you, take advantage of the freedom you have. 927 00:53:30,749 --> 00:53:33,419 You have a lot of freedom when you don't have children. 928 00:53:33,502 --> 00:53:36,004 When you don't have children, you go home and just make love. 929 00:53:36,088 --> 00:53:37,256 Go home and make love. 930 00:53:37,339 --> 00:53:40,467 When you don't have children, You go home and play a role. 931 00:53:41,468 --> 00:53:42,803 Yes, you go home and play a role. 932 00:53:42,886 --> 00:53:45,514 I know some Iranians just got confused again. 933 00:53:48,726 --> 00:53:50,769 I guarantee you now, some men: 934 00:53:50,853 --> 00:53:53,272 "Playing rolls? Will they go bowling? Why did they go bowling? 935 00:53:54,064 --> 00:53:55,065 Why did they go..." 936 00:53:55,816 --> 00:53:58,819 Role-play is when you pretend to be someone else during sex. 937 00:53:59,403 --> 00:54:01,238 When you don't have children, you can go home 938 00:54:01,321 --> 00:54:02,740 and just do it Tarzan and Jane. 939 00:54:03,657 --> 00:54:05,325 You go home... "Hey, enter another room. 940 00:54:05,409 --> 00:54:07,578 When you hear me & apos; Tarzan, & apos; just swing. 941 00:54:08,287 --> 00:54:11,707 Just swing. Use anything. Use the chandelier. Just go on. 942 00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:15,586 We will have sex in this lobby. 943 00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:17,755 When you hear me leave... 944 00:54:19,798 --> 00:54:21,842 Swing in! Sex in the foyer! " 945 00:54:24,595 --> 00:54:27,347 When you have children, You cannot Tarzan and Jane. 946 00:54:28,140 --> 00:54:29,141 Is that right, Farid? 947 00:54:30,100 --> 00:54:32,603 You can't Tarzan and Jane when you have children. 948 00:54:32,686 --> 00:54:34,062 You will wake children! 949 00:54:34,146 --> 00:54:37,649 That will be the quietest Tarzan and Jane You have seen your whole life. 950 00:54:38,734 --> 00:54:41,278 When you have children, you will be like... 951 00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:48,952 "Psst! Jane, wake up. I told you, don't drink red wine, Jane. 952 00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:02,007 953 00:55:03,175 --> 00:55:04,843 Red wine makes you fall asleep, Jane! 954 00:55:05,594 --> 00:55:07,054 Jane, I'm Tarzan! 955 00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:10,182 Don't leave me here alone with Cheetah. 956 00:55:11,266 --> 00:55:13,477 I played with my Cheetah last night, Jane. " 957 00:55:15,646 --> 00:55:17,439 The Iranian is confused. " He has a monkey named Cheetah? " 958 00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:20,400 When you have young people at home, You cannot have sex in the foyer. 959 00:55:22,694 --> 00:55:26,281 There are Legos throughout the foyer. . Have you ever stood barefoot in Lego? The bastard is sick. 960 00:55:26,365 --> 00:55:28,617 You will be like, "Ow. Jane. Ow. Wait. Hold it. Jane. 961 00:55:29,785 --> 00:55:33,705 Ow Jane. Ow Don't move, Jane. Ow. " 962 00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,083 When you have children, you are too tired to have sex. You know how many nights me and my wife, we have taken children, 963 00:55:36,166 --> 00:55:38,836 we have done relaxation, backed away, , 964 00:55:39,962 --> 00:55:43,382 965 00:55:43,465 --> 00:55:45,926 966 00:55:46,009 --> 00:55:48,804 967 00:55:48,887 --> 00:55:50,889 showering them, go to slip them... 968 00:55:50,973 --> 00:55:53,684 When you put them in, that's when they start manipulating you. 969 00:55:54,351 --> 00:55:58,856 You enter them, you start walking out. "Daddy? I'm thirsty." 970 00:56:01,817 --> 00:56:04,236 "This is water. Speed up. I might make love." 971 00:56:07,281 --> 00:56:09,241 You start walking out. "Daddy? I'm hungry." 972 00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:13,704 "This is a cracker. Let's go. I still have a chance." 973 00:56:14,621 --> 00:56:15,932 Start walking out. "Daddy, I have to pee." 974 00:56:15,956 --> 00:56:18,792 "Of course, because you eat and drink when you shouldn't. 975 00:56:21,461 --> 00:56:24,965 And now Daddy won't get anything because of you, kid. Thank you very much. 976 00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:27,676 Daddy will sleep with a blue ball because of you, Kid. " 977 00:56:29,177 --> 00:56:30,971 The Iranian man is confused again. 978 00:56:32,097 --> 00:56:35,434 "The blue ball is bowling. Blue ball, bowling. 979 00:56:35,517 --> 00:56:38,312 Blue ball, bowling. LGBT Community Bank. 980 00:56:38,395 --> 00:56:39,646 I got the whole show. " 981 00:56:50,699 --> 00:56:54,077 Do you know how many nights my wife and I have done all of that? 982 00:56:54,161 --> 00:56:57,205 The relax, replay, which is not bound, anything , 983 00:56:57,289 --> 00:56:58,707 slip them. 984 00:56:58,790 --> 00:57:00,918 We end up in a shared bed We are very tired. 985 00:57:01,001 --> 00:57:02,920 We look at each other and leave, "Baby... 986 00:57:03,003 --> 00:57:05,422 why try having sex and damage the good thing? 987 00:57:07,215 --> 00:57:09,718 We have Netflix! We have Netflix! 988 00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:13,180 Just hold my hand. Scratching. That's good... That's a good scratch. 989 00:57:13,263 --> 00:57:16,558 That's good... Oh, yeah. Scratch my head. 990 00:57:16,642 --> 00:57:18,560 That's a good scratch. That's a good scratch. " 991 00:57:19,227 --> 00:57:21,730 Yes, that's what happened. When you married children, 992 00:57:21,813 --> 00:57:22,981 You turned into a monkey. 993 00:57:24,483 --> 00:57:26,610 Just scratching each other all day. 994 00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:29,988 Here's what it is. Do you know what that is? 995 00:57:30,072 --> 00:57:33,909 Men and women are only different. We both deal with the same pressure, 996 00:57:33,992 --> 00:57:37,871 but when you have children, a man can break away and decompress faster. 997 00:57:37,955 --> 00:57:40,832 When it comes to sex, men are ready to go anytime, anywhere. 998 00:57:40,916 --> 00:57:44,795 Women need time to decompress, is in the right frame of mind. 999 00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:48,131 Women, when having sex, one small thing can make you confused. 1000 00:57:48,799 --> 00:57:50,926 A man can be under the house, 1001 00:57:52,761 --> 00:57:54,638 rearranging the house. 1002 00:57:55,555 --> 00:57:59,142 All cables can come out precarious, dangerous position. 1003 00:57:59,226 --> 00:58:02,229 And from a distance, you can hear his wife just goes, "Sex!" 1004 00:58:02,896 --> 00:58:04,523 And a man will do it. 1005 00:58:05,273 --> 00:58:08,360 He will run through the cable, electrocuted. 1006 00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:11,571 He appears: "Hey, are you saying... Are you... 1007 00:58:16,159 --> 00:58:18,996 Sex? You say sex? You say sex? 1008 00:58:19,079 --> 00:58:21,623 You say sex? You say sex. No, I was electrocuted. It's okay. You said sex! 1009 00:58:21,707 --> 00:58:24,835 I was electrocuted. You said sex! I had to go to the hospital. 1010 00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:27,230 Let's have sex. I have to go home sick. " 1011 00:58:27,254 --> 00:58:28,974 Women, very different. One little thing can make you confused. 1012 00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,886 A woman can be like, "I'm not in the mood now 1013 00:58:34,970 --> 00:58:37,889 because my hair should be like this, 1014 00:58:37,973 --> 00:58:41,476 but like that." 1015 00:58:43,937 --> 00:58:45,522 And men, we are very stupid. We are like, "I have a comb. 1016 00:58:47,065 --> 00:58:49,276 I can comb your hair. 1017 00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:50,610 Then we can have sex." 1018 00:58:54,156 --> 00:58:55,866 And women: "No, you don't hear me. 1019 00:58:57,284 --> 00:58:59,036 1020 00:58:59,119 --> 00:59:01,913 My hair should be like this, but like that. Like this. " 1021 00:59:01,997 --> 00:59:05,417 " Well, I have a comb and brush. I can do your hair, we can have sex. " 1022 00:59:05,500 --> 00:59:08,336 We are very stupid, we keep pushing until the real reason comes out. 1023 00:59:08,420 --> 00:59:10,356 " I have a comb and brush. I can make it happen. " 1024 00:59:10,380 --> 00:59:14,926 " No, you didn't hear me. My hair is like this, but like that. 1025 00:59:15,010 --> 00:59:17,512 You forgot my birthday, jerk! " 1026 00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:28,440 " Uh, okay, alright... heh heh. Happy Birthday. 1027 00:59:29,858 --> 00:59:31,276 This is the comb. 1028 00:59:32,152 --> 00:59:33,862 Surprising! 1029 00:59:33,945 --> 00:59:35,906 I'll go to rearrange the house. " 1030 00:59:36,907 --> 00:59:40,994 That's why, friends, depending on the number people who live at home, 1031 00:59:41,078 --> 00:59:44,664 Have to spend a little more time your wife or boyfriend in the mood. 1032 00:59:44,748 --> 00:59:47,310 If you don't have children at home, you go home, drink a glass of wine, 1033 00:59:47,334 --> 00:59:49,002 making love, it's fantastic. 1034 00:59:49,086 --> 00:59:50,646 When you have several children in the house, 1035 00:59:50,670 --> 00:59:53,840 You have to spend a little time to get it Your wife is in the right frame of mind. 1036 00:59:53,924 --> 00:59:56,510 If you have your children and in-laws, 1037 00:59:57,427 --> 00:59:59,638 You don't make love. That doesn't happen. 1038 01:00:00,305 --> 01:00:02,557 Too much traffic. It will not happen. 1039 01:00:03,225 --> 01:00:04,601 Very difficult to do. 1040 01:00:05,393 --> 01:00:08,605 If I want to make love to my wife at eight o'clock at night, 1041 01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,774 I have to start picking him up ready mentally 1042 01:00:10,857 --> 01:00:12,317 from eight in the morning. 1043 01:00:13,193 --> 01:00:15,403 I swear to God. Isa, this happened recently. 1044 01:00:15,487 --> 01:00:18,740 I wake up one morning. I'm like, "Today is the day." 1045 01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:22,661 I don't know if it's a full moon. I am excited. 1046 01:00:23,662 --> 01:00:26,164 The first time I saw it, it was 8:00 a.m. at breakfast, 1047 01:00:26,248 --> 01:00:27,916 I just throw random praise. 1048 01:00:27,999 --> 01:00:31,128 Just walking, I go, "Hey, honey. You look good today." 1049 01:00:32,879 --> 01:00:36,049 He said, "Oh, my God. Thank you for paying attention to my spotlight." 1050 01:00:36,133 --> 01:00:39,052 When I walked away, I was like, "Seeds have been planted." 1051 01:00:41,805 --> 01:00:43,723 It's like Mission: Impossible. 1052 01:00:44,474 --> 01:00:46,268 Lunch time: Poetry. 1053 01:00:47,144 --> 01:00:48,728 I don't even know poetry. 1054 01:00:49,312 --> 01:00:51,189 I just walked... "Hi dear... 1055 01:00:51,273 --> 01:00:52,941 & apos; Being or not becoming. & Apos;" That's all I got. 1056 01:00:55,819 --> 01:00:59,364 Like, "Oh, my God. Shakespeare. Thank you very much." 1057 01:00:59,447 --> 01:01:01,366 Afternoon: Foot rub. 1058 01:01:01,449 --> 01:01:03,994 He doesn't want to rub his feet. I gave him a foot rub. 1059 01:01:04,077 --> 01:01:07,122 Start rubbing his feet. He has dead skin. Not a big problem. 1060 01:01:08,248 --> 01:01:10,208 I turned it into my advantage. 1061 01:01:10,292 --> 01:01:13,128 I go, "Honey, your dead skin makes me feel alive!" 1062 01:01:14,212 --> 01:01:16,047 He goes, "Eww, it's disgusting." 1063 01:01:16,756 --> 01:01:18,425 I go, "So does my love." 1064 01:01:19,176 --> 01:01:21,595 Yes, I became Antonio Banderas for two seconds. 1065 01:01:22,888 --> 01:01:25,557 "So is my love. I'm Puss in Boots." 1066 01:01:27,017 --> 01:01:31,521 I left, I ran, I told the children to come in, everything was done, they were ready to go. 1067 01:01:31,605 --> 01:01:34,774 I ran back inside. I go, "Honey, let's do this!" 1068 01:01:34,858 --> 01:01:36,818 He said, "I'm not sure I'm in the mood now. 1069 01:01:36,860 --> 01:01:38,653 My hair is like this. Now it's like that." 1070 01:01:39,613 --> 01:01:41,781 I go, "Babe, come on. Children are sleeping. 1071 01:01:41,865 --> 01:01:44,367 I do poetry, rub my feet. Let's do it. And then he goes," Um... 1072 01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:46,328 good. " 1073 01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:48,455 1074 01:01:49,497 --> 01:01:52,083 Which is not the best thing In the world. 1075 01:01:53,001 --> 01:01:55,337 But for a man, "okay" is "yes." 1076 01:01:56,379 --> 01:01:59,758 Men, during sex, we have no ego at all. 1077 01:01:59,841 --> 01:02:02,761 All he has to say is, "Yes, I have nothing better to do." 1078 01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:07,015 A man will be like, "He has nothing better to do! 1079 01:02:07,098 --> 01:02:09,184 I started making love!" 1080 01:02:10,310 --> 01:02:13,855 Guys, I think "okay" means that it is an agreement made. 1081 01:02:15,065 --> 01:02:17,317 "Okay" does not mean this has become an agreement. 1082 01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:20,737 This is not an agreement done until it's finished, okay? 1083 01:02:20,820 --> 01:02:24,282 I messed up. I became arrogant. I think "okay" means we are done. 1084 01:02:24,366 --> 01:02:27,786 I became arrogant. I go to the bathroom to urinate before we start. 1085 01:02:27,869 --> 01:02:30,747 Just a little tinkle before we start. 1086 01:02:30,830 --> 01:02:32,767 Just a little pee, little tinkering before us... 1087 01:02:32,791 --> 01:02:34,459 And I farted. Just a little fart. 1088 01:02:35,877 --> 01:02:38,189 Only the beginning. Pfft, pfft. Only the beginning. Pfft, pfft. 1089 01:02:38,213 --> 01:02:41,800 Pfft only. Only pfft, pfft, pfft. Only pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. 1090 01:02:41,883 --> 01:02:44,195 Only pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Only pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. 1091 01:02:44,219 --> 01:02:45,804 Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. 1092 01:02:45,887 --> 01:02:49,224 Somehow, along the way from another room, he heard. 1093 01:02:49,307 --> 01:02:51,452 He said, "Really?" I go, "What?" He said, "I'm not in the mood." 1094 01:02:51,476 --> 01:02:52,644 I go, "Come on!" 1095 01:02:53,812 --> 01:02:55,939 He said, "My hair is like this. Now it's like that. 1096 01:02:56,022 --> 01:02:57,774 There's farting everywhere." 1097 01:02:58,984 --> 01:03:01,736 Now I'm trying to sell it to the fart. I go, "That's not farting. 1098 01:03:01,820 --> 01:03:03,820 It's a celebration... There's more to it... 1099 01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:05,365 I will go pfffffft. 1100 01:03:05,448 --> 01:03:06,449 There's more. 1101 01:03:07,117 --> 01:03:09,327 I just tested to make sure the children slept. 1102 01:03:09,411 --> 01:03:10,412 Pffffft. 1103 01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:13,498 I better fart in the bathroom than during sex. 1104 01:03:13,581 --> 01:03:15,417 You don't want pffffft. That's not good. " 1105 01:03:18,670 --> 01:03:20,880 He said," I'm not in the mood. " I go," Not me. 1106 01:03:20,964 --> 01:03:24,092 We have a lot of Netflix. Hold my hand. Just scratch it. That's a good scratch. " 1107 01:03:24,926 --> 01:03:26,094 Yes. And it's based on a true story. 1108 01:03:33,268 --> 01:03:35,645 I swear to God. 1109 01:03:36,521 --> 01:03:37,856 Now, Ed, I guarantee, some Iranians:" Oh, my God! 1110 01:03:37,939 --> 01:03:41,526 Is he doing fart jokes? 1111 01:03:41,609 --> 01:03:43,445 He should do political material. 1112 01:03:44,195 --> 01:03:46,781 Why is he doing fart jokes? " 1113 01:03:46,865 --> 01:03:49,034 Ed," guz "means" fart "in Persia. If it makes a sound. If it's quiet, it's just" choss. " 1114 01:03:52,996 --> 01:03:55,915 1115 01:03:55,999 --> 01:03:58,835 1116 01:04:01,504 --> 01:04:03,590 We are connoisseurs. We have two ways. 1117 01:04:04,424 --> 01:04:05,967 So, give me "guz." Say "guz." 1118 01:04:07,177 --> 01:04:10,722 "Guz." And then say "choss." You are smooth. 1119 01:04:12,807 --> 01:04:15,226 Isa, how do you say "fart" in Arabic? 1120 01:04:17,228 --> 01:04:18,897 - "Drat" and "fussy." - What is that? 1121 01:04:18,980 --> 01:04:20,607 - "Drat." - "Drav?!" 1122 01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:24,361 Oh, do you have two too? 1123 01:04:24,444 --> 01:04:27,072 Look at that. We have very similar languages. 1124 01:04:27,155 --> 01:04:30,784 Do you have "fuss"? So, my "choss" becomes your "commotion". 1125 01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:33,536 Choss. Furiousness. 1126 01:04:33,620 --> 01:04:35,705 This is like a conversion ratio. 1127 01:04:36,915 --> 01:04:38,750 - And "guz" becomes... - "Drat." 1128 01:04:38,833 --> 01:04:40,001 "Drat." 1129 01:04:41,544 --> 01:04:43,755 It sounds like you are farting. "Drat!" 1130 01:04:44,672 --> 01:04:45,799 Whoo! 1131 01:04:46,674 --> 01:04:47,717 "Drat." 1132 01:04:49,135 --> 01:04:51,805 How do you say it in Assyrian? How do you say "fart"? 1133 01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:52,931 - "Arteta." - What? 1134 01:04:53,014 --> 01:04:54,808 - "Arteta." - "Arteta." 1135 01:04:58,395 --> 01:05:01,064 Sounds like your fart is an artist of some kind. 1136 01:05:02,649 --> 01:05:04,442 I gave you arteta. 1137 01:05:12,492 --> 01:05:13,701 Arteta. 1138 01:05:17,414 --> 01:05:22,710 Help me. Take out your cellphone. Someone google "farting in England." 1139 01:05:22,794 --> 01:05:26,381 Stop that. Say what he said. Google. What did it say? "Fart in England." 1140 01:05:26,464 --> 01:05:28,675 Just google on your cellphone. Continue. 1141 01:05:28,758 --> 01:05:31,636 - We will be expelled. - I tell you, don't worry about that. 1142 01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:34,848 Google "farting in the UK." Say it loudly. What did it say? 1143 01:05:34,931 --> 01:05:37,016 - "Trump!" - "Trump!" "Trump!" 1144 01:05:38,101 --> 01:05:40,687 Yes! Yes! 1145 01:05:41,396 --> 01:05:42,522 Yes! 1146 01:05:51,865 --> 01:05:56,119 In England, they say "trump" to "fart." They are very smart there. 1147 01:05:56,786 --> 01:06:00,039 Listen, we start with Trump jokes. We end up with fart jokes. 1148 01:06:00,123 --> 01:06:02,167 We have reached the full circle. That's the show. 1149 01:06:02,250 --> 01:06:07,255 Thank you very much, Kennedy Center. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 1150 01:06:18,099 --> 01:06:20,810 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 1151 01:06:39,204 --> 01:06:41,414 ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-♪ 1152 01:06:41,498 --> 01:06:43,917 ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-♪ 1153 01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:46,669 Thank you, Kennedy Center. Thank you, Netflix. 1154 01:06:46,753 --> 01:06:49,380 Thank you, D.C. I love you guys.