1
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:29,760
Do you want to go in first?

2
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,120
I want to film their reaction.

3
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,640
Everybody, Pippa's here!

4
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:46,280
- Oh, Mummy.
- Is she staying here?

5
00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:48,480
- Yes.
- New baby sister.

6
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:56,200
My dad used to think Pippa was
what finally completed the whole family.

7
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:02,400
He was like, "Seven colors of the rainbow,
seven wonders of the world..."

8
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:07,800
He just had it fixated in his head
that Pippa was lucky.

9
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:12,160
- Is she really at home?
- She's at home now, forever.

10
00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:16,640
We are going to take care of you so much.

11
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,680
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

12
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:22,280
Is there anything you want to say,
before I turn the camera off, Jamie?

13
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,680
- Well, I'd like to ask you something.
- Is there anything you'd like to say?

14
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,400
- Oh, that's good.
- Okay?

15
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:28,760
I like that. That's good initiative.

16
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,080
- Right.
- Right.

17
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:33,200
- I'm gonna ask you to...
- Let me see you on the screen, Jamie.

18
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:36,280
What I'm doing, Jamie,

19
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,600
is I've recorded you
on your fourth birthday,

20
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,640
fifth, sixth and now
your seventh tomorrow.

21
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:45,200
This is like a little diary for you
when you're older.

22
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,320
And I hope you'll be pleased with Daddy.

23
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,240
You look beautiful, sweetheart.

24
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,200
I love that this is my home
and I grew up here.

25
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,800
We are all so close.

26
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:05,560
Give us a nice smile,
Kacie.

27
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:10,920
Everyone's kind of weird.
There's no such thing as normal.

28
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,520
- Cheese.
- Cheese.

29
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,400
Mirie is the best twin ever.

30
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,720
So is Lorie,
but in a different way.

31
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,280
Oh, doesn't she look gorgeous.

32
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,640
We're a handful.
I admire Mum for sticking around

33
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,760
and not leaving us.

34
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,080
We genuinely have
the best family in the world.

35
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:42,880
Give us a smile.

36
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,880
You see programs,
it's one big happy family.

37
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,520
That's only on programs.

38
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,480
There's seven of you,
we live in a wonderful house...

39
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,360
have a wonderful time...

40
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,800
and you have all got a very bright future.

41
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,320
Hi, Lorie in the future,
Jamie in the future...

42
00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:18,880
And everyone in the future.

43
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,440
I think
we're all so used to saying...

44
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,800
For six years,
we've been saying we're okay.

45
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,000
But there are some days
that I'm like, "It's not okay.

46
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:31,960
I'm not fine about what happened."

47
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:38,760
- Hello, Mummy.
- Hello, Daddy.

48
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:19,840
Oh.

49
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:37,880
Jamie, come here
with Daddy now, please.

50
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:42,320
Please. Quickly, 'cause he's driving up.

51
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:51,120
How about we have,
like, a ceremony?

52
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,200
- Around the caravan?
- No, but do you know what I mean...

53
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,240
- I didn't mean...
- I wasn't being sarcastic.

54
00:05:56,320 --> 00:06:00,680
We could all make our peace with
the caravan and say goodbye to it nicely.

55
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:06,040
I personally feel as though we've all
moved on in our lives far enough,

56
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,800
that it can go.

57
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,720
- Don't you agree?
- The Atlas.

58
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,000
- The Atlas, darling.
- Mum, this is one of those,

59
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:14,360
"I'm only 13."

60
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,280
But it's just sitting there.

61
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:21,080
It's going to get to the point
where it'll just be completely derelict.

62
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,880
- Mum, can I suggest something?
- Yes, darling.

63
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,560
There was, um, this Buddhist idea

64
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,360
that if you imagine all your beloved
belongings being broken and gone,

65
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,120
when it actually goes, it's not as sad.

66
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:35,680
Because you've already accepted the fact
that it's broken.

67
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:38,400
Okay, that's not true.

68
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,160
So, why don't you imagine that it's gone,

69
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,960
imagine that tomorrow
they're taking it away,

70
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:46,040
and imagine it's gone,
and see if you can deal with that.

71
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,080
- I would personally feel like...
- Have you ever tried it?

72
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,240
I would feel like a weight had been
partially lifted off my shoulders

73
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,640
with the Atlas.

74
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:54,680
I know that sounds really bad,

75
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,880
but I used to look out there,
and if I saw all the lights on,

76
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,720
I'd be crapping myself.

77
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,840
I would feel like
we were giving up.

78
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:05,000
I'd feel like we'd be just accepting
that he's gone.

79
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,600
- And I just... Mum, stop...
- Do you not feel...

80
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,000
- Let me finish!
- Sorry.

81
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,720
You got to remember that
there's eight of us,

82
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,760
and we are all in different stages.
We're not moving forward together.

83
00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:18,320
I do not feel that if we got rid of it,
it would help me to move on.

84
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,520
I feel that it would mean that actually...

85
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,800
If Dad... I know it sounds stupid,
but if Dad did come back,

86
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,400
he would have nowhere to stay.

87
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,040
When you first met Dad,
did you realize he was the way he was?

88
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:45,240
I just thought he was very, um...
organized.

89
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,920
- Was he handsome?
- And very... He was handsome, yeah.

90
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,240
- He was good fun.
- Why did Dad write everything down?

91
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,440
Some days, he'd write nothing,
and other days, he'd write 20 pages.

92
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:58,760
Would it be one extreme or the other?

93
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,160
Would it ever be about five pages?
Or was it none or 20?

94
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,720
No, it was one extreme or the other.

95
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,600
- So, could he never be...
- Moderate.

96
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,680
You know when you're not
quite happy or you're sad?

97
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,720
He could never be in between?

98
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,120
No, he was always one end or the other.

99
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,080
Which was most common?

100
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,000
When we first met,
probably the happier end.

101
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,200
- And then did it get worse over time?
- Yeah.

102
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,280
Gradually, over time, it switched.

103
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:27,400
How long did it take you to notice
that he was getting worse?

104
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:33,120
I think I realized how bad it was getting
around the time Pippa was born.

105
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,679
But before then, you couldn't really
notice that he was getting worse?

106
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:38,360
Is it as bad as you thought it was?

107
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:39,880
- You see where the door is there?
- Yeah.

108
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,520
If you step too close to it,
you can almost fall through.

109
00:08:43,159 --> 00:08:46,760
- The floor is almost breaking.
- Yeah. I don't know.

110
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:51,120
- I think it's...
- No one could live in here either.

111
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,920
We're not saying
we want to live in here.

112
00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:55,960
Pippi, look.

113
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,880
Yeah? Mum, anything is going to break
if you snap it like that.

114
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,760
No, Pippi, it's not.

115
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,760
Oh, Mum, we can't get rid of this.

116
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,280
You're imagining that it's nice.

117
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:10,440
If we fixed it up a little bit,
I will come up here almost every day.

118
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,720
- What would you do here?
- And do what?

119
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:16,520
Homework? Be on my own? I don't know,
Niki used to write songs in here.

120
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,200
- Right, Pipsy.
- Yeah?

121
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:46,440
I feel like my dad was just...

122
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,720
He wasn't real,
he was just someone I made up.

123
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,960
- Pipsy, hello.
- Hello.

124
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:58,280
I don't actually have any memories of him.
I've just heard stories.

125
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:04,600
And I have made memories,
that I wasn't actually there.

126
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,560
Let's see.

127
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:33,280
I am trying to work out these chords
to play on the piano

128
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,080
so I can do my dad's song.

129
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:39,880
This song is called "A Perfect World."

130
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,360
And it's beautiful.

131
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,640
I think it's because...

132
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:52,800
my dad had an idea
of what a perfect world would be.

133
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,800
And I think that at one point
he had that with my mum.

134
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,120
The song's about my mum.

135
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:05,800
It restores my faith in love
and happiness.

136
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,240
It's really nice.

137
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,640
♪ Fall in love with you ♪

138
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:21,400
♪ Like the beauty in a bird song ♪

139
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,760
♪ A song for you ♪

140
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:30,320
♪ In a perfect world ♪

141
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,240
♪ The story is told ♪

142
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,640
♪ That a boy meets a girl ♪

143
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,800
Here we go. There's the chickens.
What a joy.

144
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,040
They're an absolute joy, they are.

145
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,000
The birds are in full song as usual.

146
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:17,000
What exciting times,
creating a beautiful garden...

147
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,640
giving the children a safe environment.

148
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,040
Kacie, are you excited
about your first day of school?

149
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,360
Good. I hope you have a lovely day.

150
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,280
God, not only are they coping,
they've videoed the whole bloody thing.

151
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,600
Oh, look at that! Aw.

152
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,040
I remember when we were younger,

153
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,640
we used to put on shows and stuff
for Mum and Dad.

154
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,360
We used to put up posters,
"Show tonight at 5:00."

155
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,520
- Hello and welcome to today's show.
- Aw.

156
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,560
Dad used to go around the table
and say what he thought

157
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,040
everyone would be doing
when we've grown up.

158
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,720
He always said I was good with a rhythm.

159
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,040
Did Dad want Osborn
to be an astronaut?

160
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,720
Daddy, wave at the camera
and say, "Yes."

161
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,200
Yes.

162
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:09,000
I'd like to thank my dad
with all my heart.

163
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,160
And the work that he's done.
I mean, look.

164
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:20,480
Right now,
I'm walking on the most brilliant mud.

165
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,720
My dad is the best dad
in the whole wold.

166
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,800
Tell you what,
most kids don't have a dad like mine.

167
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,320
I'm so lucky.

168
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,720
When Mum told us,

169
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,160
you don't know how to take it.
You just scream.

170
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,680
The way that the death happened
wasn't an accident.

171
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,640
It was, like, his choice.

172
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,480
It might've been a cry for help,
which makes me really sad.

173
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,560
'Cause I can just imagine him,
being sat down there...

174
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,760
I've constantly gone through
the what-ifs that day.

175
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,800
What if I could have run into the woods,
maybe tried to find him?

176
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,760
There was a banging at the door.
It was the police.

177
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,840
They said, "We just had a call
from your husband

178
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,880
saying he was going to kill himself."

179
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,400
- I saw helicopters going around...
- Police vehicles arriving...

180
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:10,480
...ambulances...

181
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,760
I remember
the helicopter flying off.

182
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,880
He cut his left wrist
and his throat.

183
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,280
I was 16. Pippa was six years old.

184
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,920
We've all got
such different memories.

185
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,440
What can we know,
that day how Dad killed himself?

186
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:03,200
Of course our brains are going to
make funny stories and make things up.

187
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,080
How can someone
just stop being there?

188
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,480
How can my dad just not be?

189
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,640
It was almost like
we weren't worth living for.

190
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,000
If your own dad
doesn't want to stick around...

191
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,520
then you can't be that great of a person.

192
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:35,200
I couldn't imagine any days
coming after that day.

193
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,200
I felt like we were just gonna be
frozen in time there.

194
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:41,480
Forever.

195
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:53,800
For years after he died,
I always thought it was probably a joke.

196
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:57,000
That he's not actually gone,
he was just pretending.

197
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,880
And that he'll still come back one day.

198
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,400
Like, sometimes I swear I see him
in the street,

199
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,520
and I think, "God, is that Dad?"

200
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,640
I don't wish for him to come back now,
'cause I know it's not gonna happen.

201
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,120
But I used to wish all the time that...

202
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,480
he'd come back, or like...

203
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,280
Actually I do still wish.
I do.

204
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:24,880
I sometimes pray at night that he'll
come in my dreams or something.

205
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,120
Or that he'll...

206
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:31,200
Just 'cause there's so many things
I want to ask him. And, like...

207
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,440
that I just want to hug him again
and hold his hand.

208
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:37,800
But I can't.

209
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,680
If he was here now,
what would you ask him?

210
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:47,720
Um...

211
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,000
I'd ask him to sing my song.

212
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,600
That he wrote.

213
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:03,560
Nikita?

214
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:08,359
Are you helping Mummy
make the evening meal?

215
00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:14,599
I didn't always understand
what was going on when I was younger.

216
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,599
I think it's part of my autism.

217
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,960
So when people would talk to me,

218
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,599
I'd have to act like I knew
what I was saying...

219
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,760
and in my head, I was screaming.

220
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,600
It all just sounded like a big slur.

221
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:44,000
Give me a really big smile, Lorie.
I want to show Mummy and Daddy this.

222
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,800
Oh, Lorie, please give me smile.
I want to show Mummy and Daddy.

223
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:56,640
I know how to portray anger,
sadness, depressed, laughter, ecstatic...

224
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,360
But I don't know how to read them.

225
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:05,120
Nikita and Lorie, Pippa and
Osborn have been diagnosed with it.

226
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:10,040
- Um, my youngest sister.
- I'm six years old.

227
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,920
My birthday is...

228
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,720
It's like trying to
thread an eye of a needle,

229
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:19,520
but with really blurry glasses on.

230
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,600
You want to do something so bad,
but you just can't do it

231
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:26,160
'cause there's something holding you back.

232
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,720
Right, Mirie. Give me a smile.

233
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:35,720
People look at me and say,
"Um, you don't act autistic."

234
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:43,520
Well, a lot of the time
I'm trying to just be normal.

235
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,400
- What was that band called?
- Ozzy, stop!

236
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,960
♪ Someday, somebody's gonna make you wanna
Turn around and say goodbye ♪

237
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,000
Why don't you just let it
come naturally when you sing?

238
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,480
- Ozzy...
- Stop it!

239
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,520
Ozzy, are you doing this thing or not? No!

240
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,000
You wanted to be in it? No!
Are you going to be a performer? No!

241
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,280
Are you a scientist? Maybe! Shut up!

242
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,960
- Osborn? Ozzy? Ozzy?
- You know I'm right.

243
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:11,000
Listen, you do not spend
three and a half minutes on stage

244
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:12,840
just doing this...

245
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,080
No, you don't have to do that.
You can move around, walk around.

246
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,720
Okay, let's bump into each other, then.

247
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,480
- But that doesn't look natural.
- Osborn!

248
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,280
It's just some choreography!

249
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:24,000
Every performance you watch
is choreographed!

250
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,640
I had just taken a phone call from work!

251
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,440
Breathe in...

252
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,000
Don't breathe on me.

253
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,240
- Pippa, please.
- Sorry.

254
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:39,200
Just take some deep breaths
and calm down a bit.

255
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,360
I'm cleaning my room...

256
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,440
because, um, my mum thinks that I have to.

257
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,000
But I think otherwise.

258
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:59,680
I think that it doesn't actually matter

259
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:04,560
because one day I'm going to die.

260
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,040
And when I die, it won't matter.

261
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,320
So it shouldn't really matter now.

262
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,480
Recently, I've been thinking about

263
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,880
what actually matters
and what's important.

264
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,040
And I think the only important thing
is being happy.

265
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,680
Nik, how often a week would you say
you paint your nails for?

266
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,720
People don't like thinking about death.

267
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,720
And that's probably why people end up
doing things they don't want to do,

268
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,640
because they think
that they'll live forever.

269
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:32,840
And they sort of push death aside
'cause it's taboo.

270
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,880
But it's got to be spoken about.

271
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,440
I'm holding this right now,
but I'm gonna put it down in a second.

272
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:45,480
And then the time when I was holding it
will be in the past.

273
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,280
And that was only a couple of seconds ago.

274
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:53,040
But it's not...
it's not happening anymore.

275
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,720
And now, it was here and now it's there.

276
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:02,520
But it was in my hand
and it felt like the present...

277
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,080
but it didn't because I knew
that soon it would be down there.

278
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,360
And now I've picked it up again.

279
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:13,520
And when it was down there,
it feels like the past, straight away.

280
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,960
And I think that's quite unusual,

281
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,640
because you never really feel
time moving on

282
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:22,920
until something happens
or until something changes.

283
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,240
I feel like
we're always living in the past

284
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:36,440
because the last time we'll ever feel
in the present is just as we're dying.

285
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,200
And although right now
I still have my future...

286
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:45,000
when it's over,
everything will be the past.

287
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:50,240
I feel like that's our life.
Our life will always be in the past.

288
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:59,360
Even if something bad happens on a day,
I manage to stay happy.

289
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:09,320
Because once it's happened,
it's gone and it's in the past.

290
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,920
Yes, I know. I'm just stressed
because I can't stand the house anymore.

291
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,960
- Let's all do it.
- Yeah!

292
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,320
Don't stand there moaning at me,
just do it.

293
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,200
And you've been moaning in there
about that moldy cake.

294
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,440
Fruit decomposes,
cake does not decompose.

295
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:33,480
It goes moldy.

296
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,920
Ozzy,
it won't decompose on the tarmac.

297
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,320
It will decompose anywhere, actually.

298
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,640
- Have you seen the lobby?
- Yes.

299
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,560
Oh, my God. Whose shoe?
Does anyone wear this?

300
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,160
How would I know
who one shoe belongs to?

301
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,800
Would you want to go back to living
with bare walls and no more Internet?

302
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:56,160
- No, but we've gone to the other extreme.
- Yes, we have.

303
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,840
We went from having nothing
to having too much.

304
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,320
And now we can barely breathe.

305
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,680
Like, do we need
that many boxes of cereal?

306
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,200
How many of those
do you reckon are stale?

307
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,360
And can't be eaten anyway.

308
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,120
None of them are, actually.

309
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,680
I just want you to start listening to me
and doing something.

310
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,120
And I'll help you. I've said that.

311
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,040
Will you start listening to me?

312
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:22,680
I've tried listening to you, Mum.

313
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,320
Kacie, will you start listening to me

314
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,600
when I say I need you to pay for your car,
I need you to pay rent?

315
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:28,520
Yes.

316
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,280
- Will you?
- Yes.

317
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:32,880
Because you don't.

318
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,840
You're quick to attack me.

319
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,520
I'm not attacking you.
I want to help you.

320
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,920
It's not doing any of you
any good living like this.

321
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:04,240
It feels like a parallel universe,
before he died.

322
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,440
This sounds pathetic,
but we didn't have furniture.

323
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:12,840
And the walls were all the same color.

324
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,240
He didn't like clutter

325
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:18,640
and he didn't like
things being in the house.

326
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,160
So he boxed everything up
and put them in containers.

327
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:24,800
It was all kind of sentimental.

328
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,400
The containers have gone.

329
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,520
Big empty space.

330
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,760
Oh, my God. Looks about...

331
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:37,120
Looks really weird, you know.

332
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:38,600
Feels weird.

333
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,040
Dad, can you tell us how you feel?

334
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,240
Dad, tell us how you feel.

335
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:48,360
I feel you have to accept things
like this... Um...

336
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:55,000
And it's time to move to a different
chapter and get the barns organized.

337
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:57,680
Very, very well said.

338
00:24:58,320 --> 00:24:59,400
There's the barns.

339
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:06,200
When he died,
all the boxes got dropped off here again.

340
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:22,560
I am now gonna ask
three of my sisters

341
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:24,480
to perform a show.

342
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,240
They are each gonna do something
different, but it is gonna be funny.

343
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,400
Please welcome, Mirie Shanks.

344
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:37,000
She's going to do
her famous dancing.

345
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:55,520
I have an idea that we can maybe

346
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,920
promote everything that you do
on my YouTube channel.

347
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,760
In that case, you can make
a piece of clothing and I can wear it.

348
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:05,920
I said to Nikita and Pippa,
maybe all three of us could find a tune...

349
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,960
There's a song that
all three of us have written.

350
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:10,680
And I'm really bad at writing, so...

351
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:15,000
'Cause I'd be just be thinking
of the song. I wouldn't be writing.

352
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,720
Your father used to write, um...

353
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,440
He used to play the guitar...

354
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:24,880
and find something
he liked the sound of, musically.

355
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:29,120
And then write words to it
and then do a bit more.

356
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,040
So he would sort of piece them together
as he went along.

357
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:33,360
I'm not very good at writing.

358
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:34,720
I just always say the same thing.

359
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,200
So that's why I asked Nikita
and Pippa to help me.

360
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,000
There's power in being together.

361
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,800
This is why I keep telling you
to develop an act as a group.

362
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,320
I'd rather be by myself.

363
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:51,400
Be on my own and then do, maybe,
a few great pieces to put on it.

364
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:57,040
Okay. I just think you've all got more...
a greater chance of success together.

365
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,920
So you don't think we could all make it
on our own?

366
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,680
No, I think you can all make it
on your own.

367
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:08,880
I think it would be 100 times easier
if you made it as a group first.

368
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:13,440
- ♪ Say Cuckoo ♪
- ♪ Cuckoo ♪

369
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:14,760
♪ Cuckoo ♪

370
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:16,880
- ♪ Regretfully they tell us ♪
- ♪ Cuckoo ♪

371
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,920
- ♪ But firmly they compel us ♪
- ♪ Cuckoo ♪

372
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,040
- ♪ To say goodbye... ♪
- ♪ Cuckoo ♪

373
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:25,040
♪ To you ♪

374
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:30,360
You know how Dad used to always play
a song every morning at six o'clock?

375
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,320
Please, no one say,
"You shouldn't feel like that, Pippa."

376
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,240
But I feel stupid now
because I didn't know that.

377
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,640
No, no, no, no, no. It's okay.

378
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,840
You've heard of Stevie Wonder.
You've heard us play it, haven't you?

379
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:44,320
♪ For your love
I would do anything ♪

380
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:51,360
♪ Just to see the smile upon your face ♪

381
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,560
♪ For your love ♪

382
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:59,040
♪ I would go anywhere ♪

383
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:05,000
♪ Just you tell me
And I'll be right there ♪

384
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,200
Okay, Pippa looks like
she's about to cry so I'm just gonna...

385
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,880
- No, I'm okay.
- No, I love this song. I love it.

386
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,360
Pippa, think about the positives.

387
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:17,960
Jamie, I can't. It's not just...

388
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,400
My Internet's gone.
But I've got it on my phone.

389
00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:27,360
It's like, it's certain music and films,
Jamie, bring back bad memories.

390
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:29,760
And, you know, that's okay.

391
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:32,640
Okay, ready?

392
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,200
Losing my dad
completely broke my heart.

393
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:48,960
He was my best friend and my worst enemy,
all at the same time.

394
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:51,840
He was funny.

395
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,520
He always used to make my mum laugh.

396
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,760
He was caring, but there were days where

397
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:01,480
the sun could be shining
and there wouldn't be a cloud in the sky,

398
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:07,680
but it just felt like the gloomiest,
saddest, most tense-filled day.

399
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:16,720
Dad, smile.

400
00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:27,040
He... he was a scary person.

401
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:28,200
There's Daddy.

402
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:29,840
But he was nice as well.

403
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,200
I don't know. He was weird.

404
00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:35,320
He was hard to understand.

405
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:37,760
When he was in a bad mood,
he just wouldn't talk,

406
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:39,320
and he'd go write in his diary.

407
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:43,040
I mean, I haven't read it in much detail.

408
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:45,960
I haven't even read his suicide note,
but I'd like to.

409
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:49,040
It was always getting in the car
after school,

410
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,480
and being like, "Mum,
is Dad in a good mood or a bad mood?"

411
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:52,960
'Cause that meant when we got home...

412
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:57,480
that he'd sit us all down
and give us a rant for about four hours.

413
00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:59,520
I'd end up falling asleep on the floor

414
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:01,400
and then going to bed
at 1:00 in the morning.

415
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:04,160
Please give me that. Sorry, Lorie.

416
00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,640
I'm trying to talk on camera to you all
so that...

417
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:11,360
I wanted what I wanted to say
to you to be on camera, on tape,

418
00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:16,320
so you'll know in the future how I was
thinking and feeling about everything.

419
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:21,120
You've got to work out
how to run your life...

420
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,960
so that I can do what I've got to do.

421
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:30,240
Jamie is at the most impressionable age

422
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:34,520
that she's been at
since she has been alive.

423
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:39,640
I'd like two people
to be the most influential,

424
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:41,840
and I want it to be me and Mummy.

425
00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:45,600
I don't want it to be other people
who I don't know,

426
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:46,840
and I don't know what they're saying

427
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:48,800
and I don't know
how they're making Jamie think.

428
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:53,720
My dad use to have a tendency
to, um, keep me up late.

429
00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:56,440
And then obviously,

430
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:59,520
when it reached a point
that I used to stay up late

431
00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:01,720
in order to be able to hear him.

432
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,720
Sort of hear whether or not
he was in the house,

433
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:08,440
whether he was back
or whether he was gonna come upstairs...

434
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:13,160
and have a go at me
for some unknown, bizarre reason.

435
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:16,280
There was a lot of occasions
that I would be...

436
00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:22,040
forced to look in the mirror
that used to hang 'round the corner.

437
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:25,320
And he would hold my face.

438
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,000
And he'd tell me
that I looked like a crack whore.

439
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:34,360
I genuinely hate the sight of myself
when I have no makeup on.

440
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:50,360
Euro money?

441
00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:53,680
"I would like to take you to France
at the end of July.

442
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:56,000
Happy birthday. Love, Dad.

443
00:31:56,080 --> 00:32:00,360
I have booked us a week's holiday
in France."

444
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:04,840
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

445
00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:05,880
Dad!

446
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,160
I'm going to France. I'm going to France.

447
00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:10,960
- Dad...
- I'm going to France!

448
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,960
If I'm honest, I was absolutely petrified.

449
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:31,440
We were driving this one night in
the middle of the countryside in France,

450
00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:33,720
and I mean the middle of nowhere.

451
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:44,240
All of a sudden, my dad stopped the car
down this pitch black country lane.

452
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:52,520
Suddenly, in that moment, I was like,
"Oh, my God. What is about to happen?"

453
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:56,320
And he said, "Get out of the car."

454
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:08,360
And he walked me
about 20 yards down the road.

455
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:12,400
And just all of a sudden...

456
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:15,320
he just said, "Look up."

457
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,400
I've never seen so many stars
in all my life.

458
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:32,760
It was like somebody had just
thrown glitter across the sky.

459
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:37,640
My dad got us to lay down
on the middle of this road...

460
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,480
and we lay there
and just looked up at all these stars.

461
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:50,160
Just that 10 to 15 minutes that I got
where we were like a father and daughter.

462
00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:16,480
Because of the way Dad was,
we weren't very exposed.

463
00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:20,719
I think he wanted us all to be perfect
and he thought

464
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:25,159
if weren't, you know, "out in the wild,"
if you like,

465
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:27,280
then we could become that way.

466
00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:28,600
Nikita, are you gonna get in?

467
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:31,600
We were all going to grow up anyway.

468
00:34:31,679 --> 00:34:34,320
So he couldn't have kept us
that way forever.

469
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:35,600
I think he realized that.

470
00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:00,920
You know,
these are old cassette tapes,

471
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:02,080
but I don't know what's on them all,

472
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,120
so are you sure
you all want to watch this?

473
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:05,520
- Yeah.
- You sure?

474
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:06,640
Yeah.

475
00:35:06,720 --> 00:35:08,680
Even though
it's possibly gonna be upsetting?

476
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:09,920
- Yeah?
- Yes.

477
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:11,160
Is it gonna be really blurry?

478
00:35:11,240 --> 00:35:13,000
I don't know
'cause they're old and...

479
00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:15,360
They're very old cassettes,
so I don't know.

480
00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:33,320
That one there. That's Dad.

481
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:35,560
- Yeah, that's Dad, yeah.
- That's him with the children?

482
00:35:37,240 --> 00:35:39,280
Oh, that's me, fat.

483
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:43,520
Okay, Jamie,

484
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:45,440
Daddy would like to talk to you
for a minute.

485
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:48,480
Now, it's a year since I interviewed you.

486
00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:50,880
Because it's my birthday tomorrow.

487
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:52,720
- That's it.
- And I'll be five.

488
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:57,560
Yeah, it's a whole year since
we had this little chat, didn't we?

489
00:35:57,640 --> 00:35:58,720
- On video.
- Yeah.

490
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:02,720
- Would you say you're a happy girl?
- Yes, I am happy.

491
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:04,600
- Do you like your life?
- Yes.

492
00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:07,800
Well, I've written this one
just for you, for your birthday.

493
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:08,760
Yeah.

494
00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:11,520
Would you like me to sing it to you now?
Would you?

495
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:12,680
Yes.

496
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:13,960
Okay.

497
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:24,040
♪ Jamie-Jo, I love you so ♪

498
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:29,160
♪ You're magic, little girl ♪

499
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:35,600
♪ You've brightened up this world ♪

500
00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:41,480
♪ With your tenderness
Your thoughtfulness ♪

501
00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:46,040
♪ Your special ways and the happy days ♪

502
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:51,960
♪ You give me, little girl ♪

503
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:58,360
♪ A star can shine
A rose can bloom ♪

504
00:36:58,440 --> 00:37:03,880
♪ And the waves
Keep rolling to the shore ♪

505
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,320
Oh.

506
00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:16,600
I don't know. It's...
I don't know his real...

507
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,680
Like, I imagined it, like, deeper.

508
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:22,880
I didn't know he had an accent.

509
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:24,240
- It's really weird.
- Yeah.

510
00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,160
I didn't know he had an accent.

511
00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:31,600
It's hard to remember voices.
It's so hard to remember voices.

512
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:37,320
He laughed a lot.

513
00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:41,200
Oh.

514
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:43,520
I'm going to go
and take the camera off Mummy

515
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:48,280
and then we're going to say goodbye
to the camera until next year.

516
00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:03,520
Okay. Chop-chop.

517
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:05,480
No, it's a wee thing.

518
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,360
What are you thinking, Osborn?

519
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:10,600
The shed is full of shit.

520
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:18,640
Too much stuff in here
for one family to deal with.

521
00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:26,880
Things that shouldn't have
the sentimental value do, and it's...

522
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:30,480
It makes throwing things away
a big hoo-ha.

523
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:35,560
The past Shanks family made a very big
problem for the future Shanks family.

524
00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:38,800
It's like we didn't care about us.

525
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,880
That's a metaphor
for our mentality tonight.

526
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:45,280
Just pushing all of our crap aside
for a few days.

527
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:49,920
Mum, we need a pile in that corner
of electrical appliances.

528
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:51,160
Do you really want to keep it?

529
00:38:51,240 --> 00:38:52,640
- Mum, Mum.
- Yeah, Mirie and I were talking...

530
00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:56,080
Do you not remember we got the black one.
That one wasn't working.

531
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:57,800
- Have we?
- Yeah, we got the black one.

532
00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:00,400
- What's this?
- Textiles.

533
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:01,800
Look at Lorie.

534
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:05,360
- Oh, what is that?
- Are you gonna put those inside?

535
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:10,040
I found Dad!

536
00:39:10,120 --> 00:39:12,440
That's where he's been
for the past years.

537
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:15,240
- You silly man.
- He's covered in poop.

538
00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:16,960
Wait, who did we bury then?

539
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:20,520
Ah! Holy crap!

540
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:23,880
- What?
- This is the box I'm thinking of.

541
00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:25,080
But these are all cassettes.

542
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,160
But there aren't any videos in there.

543
00:39:31,240 --> 00:39:33,200
Yeah, but they're Dad's songs,
aren't they?

544
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:35,760
I hope there's "A Perfect World" on here.

545
00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:38,720
- Oh, there will be.
- Really?

546
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:40,000
Yeah, I'm sure there will be.

547
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,320
Okay, I'm gonna spend hours
looking through these.

548
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:47,040
Oh, no,
that's from his cabaret days.

549
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:51,680
- No, I don't. Not sure.
- That's so cool.

550
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:57,120
My dad loved music.

551
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:03,120
He did Butlins and the West End,
and he did all sorts.

552
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:07,520
- You remember Elvis? Elvis Presley.
- Yeah!

553
00:40:08,720 --> 00:40:10,560
He used to play to me all time.

554
00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:15,240
So, I think that's a big influence
as to why I want to carry on music.

555
00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:21,480
My dad could have made it and didn't.

556
00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:25,440
And I don't want to make
that same mistake.

557
00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:33,560
Ready? And then go again.

558
00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:36,480
I thought I had it. I don't.

559
00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:38,840
♪ Is it a little bit funny? ♪

560
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:40,960
Close.

561
00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:43,800
Look, my hands aren't big enough to do it.

562
00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:46,160
And mine are just about...
Mine are a bit longer.

563
00:40:46,240 --> 00:40:48,560
I'll have to change it.

564
00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:52,040
♪ How long will I love you? ♪

565
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:56,880
♪ As long as the stars are above you ♪

566
00:40:57,560 --> 00:41:00,280
My dream would be to be on stage.

567
00:41:04,280 --> 00:41:07,240
To not be able see anything
but lights in my face.

568
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,920
And then I'd hear a massive roar
and clapping

569
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:16,840
and cheering and flashing lights
of the cameras and then...

570
00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:22,800
And then I'd think it'd be over
just like that,

571
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:24,480
'cause you're just enjoying it so much.

572
00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:32,520
But you don't want to dream too high
because then it might not come true.

573
00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:38,480
When we were younger,
our dad would always say

574
00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:41,920
we'd be going to somewhere,
or that we'd do this next year

575
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:47,120
or this would be happening
and then nothing would ever happen.

576
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:49,400
I think we've all just...

577
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:54,200
tried not to keep our hopes up
so we don't get disappointed ever again.

578
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:08,960
Oh.

579
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,760
Sunday, 22nd of September.

580
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:23,000
Friday the 27th. 2nd of October, 11:15...

581
00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:27,920
Christmas Day, 2002, and that's how
Santa left the presents last night...

582
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:35,560
I thought everyone's dad wrote
in such detail in diaries.

583
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:37,720
I didn't think it was anything unusual.

584
00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:43,400
It's recently that I've actually started
analyzing them in detail.

585
00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:47,080
He says, "Go back to the real Paul,"
which is really weird.

586
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:50,000
Sort of felt like he was changing.

587
00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:53,760
He put a lot of effort into these things

588
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:56,760
and then all of a sudden
he just stops trying.

589
00:42:57,600 --> 00:42:59,200
He just gives up on it.

590
00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:04,120
So, you can see that
he sort of gave up on life,

591
00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:06,880
'cause he gave up on writing about it.

592
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:11,400
I just found Daddy's 2005 diary...

593
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:15,160
which I thought you might be
interested in looking at.

594
00:43:15,240 --> 00:43:16,320
Yeah.

595
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,200
But also the suicide note.

596
00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:23,880
I went into the cabin this morning
and had a really good look and I found it.

597
00:43:24,720 --> 00:43:26,520
- Can I see it?
- You want to read it?

598
00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:27,760
Yeah.

599
00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:34,920
- Want me to stay while you read it?
- I don't mind.

600
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,720
It's not gonna be, like,
difficult or anything.

601
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:46,520
"There are two sets of truths."
Is that what that says?

602
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:50,920
- Yeah.
- "Involved"?

603
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:53,920
- Involved.
- "...involved in my opinion.

604
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:56,160
The truth and Vikie's truth."

605
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:00,360
He used the wrong "there."

606
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:02,440
Hmm.

607
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:08,160
Did he usually do that?
Or was that sort of the crazy setting in?

608
00:44:08,240 --> 00:44:09,520
I don't know.

609
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:11,240
- Could you see it?
- Yeah.

610
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,240
In the last couple of weeks
I could see it, yeah.

611
00:44:13,320 --> 00:44:15,760
What sort of changed about him?

612
00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:19,720
- The paranoia became...
- Did he become more scatty?

613
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:22,160
He became less certain
of what he was saying

614
00:44:22,240 --> 00:44:24,680
and he made mistakes in his diaries, too.

615
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:32,320
I don't see how he changed so quickly.

616
00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:35,520
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

617
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:39,320
Sure? "To my children, I love you all.

618
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:43,640
Good luck with life and love from..."

619
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:51,000
"Good luck with Mum on a long-term basis."

620
00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:53,880
"On a long-term basis."
What does PTO mean?

621
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:56,840
There's something on the other side,
but it was nothing in the police...

622
00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:01,520
- I think this is the police photocopy.
- I want to know what it says.

623
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:05,400
I don't want to live my life
not knowing what the PTO was.

624
00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:18,600
"I have not wanted the children
to go to private school since 2001.

625
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:20,920
Had they gone to state school
at that point,

626
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,680
we would not be
in any financial difficulty."

627
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,160
Was it you or Dad that insisted on us
going to private school?

628
00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:33,880
It used to rock
between the two of us.

629
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:44,560
- Five re-mortgages?
- Yeah.

630
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:45,800
- Five.
- Yeah.

631
00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:47,360
Why?

632
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:54,320
Well, he spent £10,000 on the barn,
£10,000 on the hard court down there.

633
00:45:58,000 --> 00:46:01,440
"Vikie has been well aware
of the borrowing that has taken place."

634
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:04,680
Not all of it.

635
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:09,640
I think it's quite sad that he had
good intentions with all of this,

636
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:11,880
but it seemed to backfire, considerably.

637
00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:30,440
Wow. That was interesting.

638
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:32,200
- I feel disillusioned.
- Why?

639
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:33,760
I don’t know.

640
00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:37,880
- Why disillusioned?
- I don't know.

641
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:41,320
Did you imagine it to have more
about us in, Kay?

642
00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:43,720
- With what?
- I don't know.

643
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:47,200
- There were two sides to it?
- Yeah, of course there were.

644
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:52,440
- I'm not perfect, Kacie. I'm not a saint.
- I didn't say that you did.

645
00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:55,120
Yeah, there are two sides to every story.

646
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:57,240
- I know.
- Yeah.

647
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:01,280
Can you get the original note back?

648
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,320
I'm gonna try, if they've still got it.

649
00:47:08,960 --> 00:47:13,680
We are going to write
"Mum's worries."

650
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:15,960
Okay?

651
00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:19,280
Mum's worries is going in the box.
There we go.

652
00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:27,160
Kacie, go over with Jamie
and wave at the worries together.

653
00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:30,960
Bye-bye. Hey.

654
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:34,120
Paul's behavior was becoming
ever more erratic

655
00:47:34,200 --> 00:47:38,800
and I was insisting that we have
a six-month break from each other.

656
00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:41,080
And then see if we had a future together.

657
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:42,760
- Bye.
- Bye.

658
00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:45,400
But Paul decided to file for divorce.

659
00:47:48,640 --> 00:47:50,760
The house was sold when Paul died.

660
00:47:53,720 --> 00:47:58,400
I think we were about four weeks away
from completion when Paul killed himself.

661
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:15,160
I remember months after he died,
I'd still run downstairs shouting, "Dad,"

662
00:48:15,240 --> 00:48:18,560
like, trying to call for him
and then I'd realize he wasn't there.

663
00:48:18,640 --> 00:48:20,640
- Do you remember us doing that?
- Yeah.

664
00:48:20,720 --> 00:48:24,120
What if he had followed through
with the plan that he had?

665
00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:26,200
Well, then we wouldn't be here,
would we, Oz?

666
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:28,960
Was it planned for him to do that
and then kill himself?

667
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:30,280
Yeah.

668
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:34,320
No, I don't think we really knew
to what extent, like,

669
00:48:34,400 --> 00:48:36,920
Dad was actually in a very dark place.

670
00:48:41,000 --> 00:48:45,880
Two days after my dad had died,
three of us found the notepad,

671
00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:49,680
you know, with him talking about
how he was going to...

672
00:48:52,400 --> 00:48:57,600
get revenge on my mum, effectively,
and kill all of us...

673
00:48:58,440 --> 00:49:00,560
then kill her and then kill himself.

674
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,120
It was very detailed.

675
00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:09,800
His plan was to lock everybody
in their bedrooms...

676
00:49:11,520 --> 00:49:14,080
and then bring them down one by one.

677
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:17,840
Back to my mum.

678
00:49:19,560 --> 00:49:21,400
- All right, darling?
- Yeah.

679
00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:25,920
Two or three years before he died,

680
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:28,760
he suddenly put bolts
on the outside of all the doors.

681
00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:32,120
He said it was to keep the cats out.

682
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:35,480
But just shutting the doors
would have kept the cats out.

683
00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:41,120
Things that were odd
became normal in our lives.

684
00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:56,360
It was about 18 months after Paul's death
that I said to Jamie one day...

685
00:49:57,600 --> 00:50:00,760
"I feel as though I've made this up.

686
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:03,440
Did we find a pad?"

687
00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:10,000
After a while you question things.
You're not sure they're actually real.

688
00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:13,800
I thought it didn't exist.

689
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:16,160
I thought it had just been me
in a state of shock.

690
00:50:18,240 --> 00:50:20,200
And then Kacie
shot out of her bedroom,

691
00:50:20,280 --> 00:50:22,080
'cause she'd heard the conversation,
and said,

692
00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:24,960
"Oh, my God,
I thought I'd made it up as well."

693
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:28,480
I broke down in tears,
I had panic attacks.

694
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:32,800
I had very increased anxiety
after that happened.

695
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:34,880
She'd just confirmed that actually

696
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:38,400
what I had believed to be a dream was,
in fact, not a dream.

697
00:50:38,480 --> 00:50:40,560
Because I had seen it as well.

698
00:50:55,080 --> 00:50:56,720
Where'd you find this?

699
00:50:57,520 --> 00:50:59,640
They're all the tapes,
the home videos.

700
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:07,560
Did you put it in the wrong way?
Is it meant to be that way?

701
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:17,320
Play.

702
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:20,960
Turn it up.

703
00:51:23,400 --> 00:51:27,160
♪ To lovely, little lovely Lorie-Lanie ♪

704
00:51:27,240 --> 00:51:29,680
♪ Love gave life to you ♪

705
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:32,320
♪ Your mummy and your daddy ♪

706
00:51:32,400 --> 00:51:35,200
♪ Really wanted you ♪

707
00:51:35,280 --> 00:51:41,440
♪ You're so contented when we see you
Tears well in our eyes ♪

708
00:51:41,520 --> 00:51:44,960
♪ But we don't care
They're tears of joy ♪

709
00:51:45,040 --> 00:51:48,400
♪ And joy needs no disguise ♪

710
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:52,440
♪ 'Cause a life of love gave you to us ♪

711
00:51:52,520 --> 00:51:57,960
♪ Love gave us you, our prize ♪

712
00:51:59,520 --> 00:52:03,600
♪ You're a miracle ♪

713
00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:06,240
♪ Little Mirie-Marie ♪

714
00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:09,000
♪ You were so meant to be ♪

715
00:52:09,600 --> 00:52:13,680
♪ Breathe your life into people ♪

716
00:52:13,760 --> 00:52:17,960
♪ But keep your heart safe and sound ♪

717
00:52:18,040 --> 00:52:22,080
♪ 'Cause whilst there are
Many good people ♪

718
00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:27,360
♪ Some will wanna bring you down ♪

719
00:52:27,440 --> 00:52:30,800
♪ Give away your love ♪

720
00:52:30,880 --> 00:52:35,160
♪ But keep your faith ♪

721
00:52:35,240 --> 00:52:38,720
♪ Little Mirie-Marie ♪

722
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:42,880
Is that the first time you've heard it?

723
00:52:45,520 --> 00:52:46,840
Me, too.

724
00:52:54,280 --> 00:52:56,600
It's like he knew what
our personalities were going to be like.

725
00:52:56,680 --> 00:52:58,000
Isn't it weird?

726
00:52:59,120 --> 00:53:00,280
Yeah.

727
00:53:11,080 --> 00:53:14,160
I can’t believe that Dad and you planted
this tree when I was born.

728
00:53:16,120 --> 00:53:18,560
It only stood about 12 feet tall,
didn't it?

729
00:53:18,640 --> 00:53:20,440
No, less than that. Six?

730
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:23,600
- When did you plant it?
- Twenty-four years ago.

731
00:53:23,680 --> 00:53:25,560
No, you were about three.

732
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:27,320
About three?

733
00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:32,200
It's a red oak.
Oak is known for its strength, isn't it?

734
00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:35,680
- Time goes too fast.
- He planted it because it was strong.

735
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:37,960
- He planted it 'cause it was strong.
- Yeah.

736
00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:40,040
It'll live for hundreds of years.

737
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:45,560
I didn't know that.

738
00:53:55,960 --> 00:53:57,760
My dad did love all of us.

739
00:53:58,560 --> 00:54:02,720
I think I lost touch with that
for a little while after he passed away.

740
00:54:05,680 --> 00:54:10,640
I can still remember, the Thursday morning
before my dad died...

741
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:13,760
him having come into my room
and he closed the door.

742
00:54:15,240 --> 00:54:18,600
I remember how his hair was falling
around his face...

743
00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:21,920
and he just pleaded with me.

744
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:26,880
He told me that he had nobody left
and that I was his last hope.

745
00:54:29,440 --> 00:54:33,680
My response to him was, I looked down...

746
00:54:34,800 --> 00:54:37,120
"Dad, I've gotta get ready for school."

747
00:54:38,920 --> 00:54:42,600
And in that moment, it was like he died.

748
00:54:45,440 --> 00:54:50,240
The man who took himself into the woods
that day wasn't my dad.

749
00:54:51,880 --> 00:54:54,080
He was a man that none of us knew.

750
00:54:55,720 --> 00:54:59,200
I really wish that I'd just been
a little bit older to understand.

751
00:54:59,280 --> 00:55:03,200
- Hi, Jamie. Hi, Mirie.
- Hi, Daddy.

752
00:55:14,240 --> 00:55:15,080
Jamie!

753
00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:18,840
- Has everyone sat down yet?
- No, Nik. Chill out, okay?

754
00:55:18,920 --> 00:55:21,000
Is everyone ready for me?

755
00:55:22,320 --> 00:55:26,480
Okay, no one should be eating!
That's a rule and everyone knows.

756
00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:30,600
Three, two, one!

757
00:55:30,680 --> 00:55:34,960
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

758
00:55:35,040 --> 00:55:36,120
Stop it, guys!

759
00:55:36,200 --> 00:55:40,440
♪ Happy birthday, dear Nikita ♪

760
00:55:40,520 --> 00:55:41,840
Oh, yeah.

761
00:55:41,920 --> 00:55:46,520
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

762
00:55:47,320 --> 00:55:50,320
I think we've got worse
at singing happy birthday...

763
00:55:51,680 --> 00:56:00,960
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

764
00:56:01,600 --> 00:56:06,880
♪ Happy birthday, dear Nikita ♪

765
00:56:08,800 --> 00:56:13,480
You can have silver, but I'm wearing gold
'cause I'm the birthday girl. Blue?

766
00:56:13,560 --> 00:56:15,240
Lorie, if I have to wear one...

767
00:56:15,320 --> 00:56:18,480
- No, Mummy, put it back on, now!
- No, I don't think it would go.

768
00:56:18,560 --> 00:56:22,040
Okay, Jamie, wear a hat, please.
Jamie, please wear the hat.

769
00:56:22,120 --> 00:56:25,240
- I will put it back...
- Just wear the hat. Be cool.

770
00:56:25,320 --> 00:56:28,960
What?
Stop hinting! I hate it!

771
00:56:29,040 --> 00:56:32,080
Nikita. Nikita,
we do not want that all day.

772
00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:34,880
Jamie. Jamie, go fuck yourself!

773
00:56:34,960 --> 00:56:37,240
Stop talking about my birthday
in front of me.

774
00:56:38,120 --> 00:56:39,400
Okay.

775
00:56:40,880 --> 00:56:42,000
- Ow.
- Whoa!

776
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:44,360
- Guys.
- Please stop.

777
00:56:45,800 --> 00:56:48,880
- What would you like?
- Everyone to fuck off!

778
00:57:10,120 --> 00:57:11,240
Ozzy?

779
00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:23,360
What the fuck is this?

780
00:57:25,800 --> 00:57:28,080
Oh, no, is this gonna be well received?

781
00:57:29,680 --> 00:57:31,360
- No. I don't think so.
- I hope so.

782
00:57:31,440 --> 00:57:34,800
- I just saw this image of it.
- Be careful with it. It's very fragile.

783
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:39,120
Beautiful.

784
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:42,040
For me,
it has to always be the same.

785
00:57:42,120 --> 00:57:43,800
You do it so neatly, too.

786
00:57:43,880 --> 00:57:45,240
It's a tradition.

787
00:57:46,520 --> 00:57:48,600
We have to stick to the same thing.

788
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:52,760
I don't like that we're all changing
and getting older.

789
00:57:52,840 --> 00:57:54,200
It makes me feel sad.

790
00:57:54,280 --> 00:57:55,600
Wait, guys. Just stop.

791
00:58:02,360 --> 00:58:06,280
It just feels like yesterday
that we were all still in school.

792
00:58:07,320 --> 00:58:10,440
We were all at the same level.

793
00:58:28,160 --> 00:58:30,160
And I don't like
that it's different

794
00:58:30,240 --> 00:58:33,760
'cause it means we're getting old
and gonna die soon. And I don't wanna die.

795
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,560
Lorie!

796
00:58:41,640 --> 00:58:45,200
Kacie, this is gonna be
the day before my seventh birthday.

797
00:58:45,280 --> 00:58:46,720
Are you very happy?

798
00:58:46,800 --> 00:58:47,880
Yeah.

799
00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:52,000
Are you very happy
it's nearly my birthday?

800
00:58:52,800 --> 00:58:54,440
Yeah!

801
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:56,800
That's really weird,
I remember that happening.

802
00:59:00,240 --> 00:59:02,160
This is where I tip over the edge.

803
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:06,640
Jamie's about to open her MP3 player
and I'm opening my CD player.

804
00:59:08,880 --> 00:59:10,680
- Oh, that's great!
- I remember when you did that.

805
00:59:10,760 --> 00:59:13,880
- I remember that moment.
- I was so mad.

806
00:59:13,960 --> 00:59:19,120
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

807
00:59:19,200 --> 00:59:23,840
♪ Happy birthday, dear Daddy ♪

808
00:59:23,920 --> 00:59:25,960
Do you think maybe he did it
because we were all tone deaf

809
00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:28,400
and he realized
we wouldn't be able to follow his path?

810
00:59:35,120 --> 00:59:37,880
Mum, why didn't we ever realize
that he was sad?

811
00:59:38,600 --> 00:59:40,960
- I did.
- Yeah, but we didn't.

812
00:59:41,040 --> 00:59:42,800
Because we were kids, Nik.

813
00:59:42,880 --> 00:59:45,920
We didn't have any perception
of what other people...

814
00:59:46,000 --> 00:59:47,760
Yeah, but, like, when we were younger,
we couldn't see that.

815
00:59:47,840 --> 00:59:49,400
Daddy, look.

816
00:59:50,200 --> 00:59:53,440
- Was he upset on his last birthday? Mum?
- I know, I just feel sorry for him.

817
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:55,320
'Cause every video we've watched,
he's been sad

818
00:59:55,400 --> 00:59:57,280
- and we're just running around laughing.
- I know.

819
00:59:57,360 --> 00:59:59,120
And we don't realize.

820
00:59:59,200 --> 01:00:02,040
He's not been upset
in every video. Some videos he's happy.

821
01:00:02,120 --> 01:00:04,520
- Poppet, you wouldn't be expected to know.
- But I was nine.

822
01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:06,760
- How would you know?
- How are you to know at nine?

823
01:00:06,840 --> 01:00:09,160
I barely knew and I was 13.

824
01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:12,360
Now when I'm watching it,
I just wanna go and hug him.

825
01:00:12,440 --> 01:00:13,520
You've got to remember that

826
01:00:13,600 --> 01:00:14,760
there's no way
we could have made him happy.

827
01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:17,000
He was going to be upset
no matter what we did.

828
01:00:17,080 --> 01:00:19,600
Yeah, but at least
he would have known that we cared.

829
01:00:19,680 --> 01:00:22,480
Yeah, well, we did care.
We just didn't know.

830
01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:24,760
What, Daddy?

831
01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:26,360
What is it, Daddy?

832
01:00:27,840 --> 01:00:29,400
He's happy.

833
01:00:29,480 --> 01:00:31,040
What, Daddy?

834
01:00:31,120 --> 01:00:32,760
What is it, Daddy?

835
01:00:32,840 --> 01:00:34,800
- What is it?
- Yes, what, Daddy?

836
01:00:37,520 --> 01:00:39,120
What is it?

837
01:00:40,200 --> 01:00:41,080
What's the matter?

838
01:00:41,160 --> 01:00:42,840
What is it, Daddy?

839
01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:50,640
Go! Go, go, go, go.

840
01:00:52,600 --> 01:00:54,720
Dad definitely
cared what people thought

841
01:00:54,800 --> 01:00:57,440
about how happy he was all the time.

842
01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:05,280
How he was feeling inside,
he masked extremely well.

843
01:01:06,440 --> 01:01:08,880
But only to people outside the family.

844
01:01:13,200 --> 01:01:16,320
He didn't want to believe that
there was anything wrong with him.

845
01:01:16,400 --> 01:01:18,120
Even though I think he knew.

846
01:01:18,200 --> 01:01:21,880
How... how can you not?

847
01:01:26,680 --> 01:01:27,720
He was too proud.

848
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:31,440
♪ The sun will shine ♪

849
01:01:31,520 --> 01:01:33,160
'Cause he thought he was perfect.

850
01:01:33,840 --> 01:01:35,600
Or he wanted to be perfect.

851
01:01:36,560 --> 01:01:38,240
I think that's why he struggled.

852
01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:49,520
He would never have got help.
My mum tried for years.

853
01:01:53,920 --> 01:01:56,640
But Mum's the same.
Mum's exactly the same.

854
01:01:56,720 --> 01:02:03,600
She... is amazing at covering up
the way she genuinely feels.

855
01:02:08,160 --> 01:02:12,160
Oz! Pippa! You up?

856
01:02:12,760 --> 01:02:14,000
Pippi?

857
01:02:15,360 --> 01:02:16,360
Come on.

858
01:02:17,240 --> 01:02:18,400
Pips?

859
01:02:21,920 --> 01:02:23,000
Morning.

860
01:02:23,920 --> 01:02:24,960
Don't.

861
01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:28,440
You've had lots of days, darling.

862
01:02:28,520 --> 01:02:30,760
- Mum.
- Come on, sweetheart, good girl.

863
01:02:30,840 --> 01:02:34,960
Mum, you said that
if I had bad days that you'd let me...

864
01:02:35,040 --> 01:02:38,720
No, Pippa,
you've had so many days off school.

865
01:02:38,800 --> 01:02:41,440
I'm sorry, it's gone too far, sweetheart.

866
01:02:41,520 --> 01:02:43,720
- No, you don't understand.
- Take your tablets, please.

867
01:02:43,800 --> 01:02:45,920
- Mum...
- Just a little bit.

868
01:02:46,760 --> 01:02:48,720
Pippi, come on, you know this can't go on.

869
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:50,440
Mummy, I really can't, Mum.

870
01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:54,600
- Little ones, come on.
- I can't, Mum. I can't. I really can't.

871
01:02:54,680 --> 01:02:58,040
- Mum, I really can't.
- Pip, so when are you going to eat?

872
01:02:59,000 --> 01:03:00,800
Pippa, come on, poppet.

873
01:03:00,880 --> 01:03:04,560
Mum, stop saying things
over and over. Mum, it doesn't help.

874
01:03:05,680 --> 01:03:08,040
Go and get your bag
'cause the bus will be here any second.

875
01:03:11,920 --> 01:03:15,200
I said I would give you two days,
and then you promised you would eat.

876
01:03:15,880 --> 01:03:18,160
Pippi, it's five days.

877
01:03:21,520 --> 01:03:22,440
Pippa?

878
01:03:23,240 --> 01:03:26,680
Mum,
I'm not doing it for attention.

879
01:03:26,760 --> 01:03:29,840
It's not just as simple as
just eat breakfast,

880
01:03:29,920 --> 01:03:32,160
just a few mouthfuls.

881
01:03:32,240 --> 01:03:33,880
- Come on.
- Okay, see you later, guys.

882
01:03:33,960 --> 01:03:35,480
- Come on, sweetheart. Come on.
- Bye, Oz.

883
01:03:35,560 --> 01:03:37,720
Mum, I don't want to go...

884
01:03:37,800 --> 01:03:39,640
It's okay. Come on, I love you.

885
01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:41,160
Will you please
not ring the doctor's?

886
01:03:41,240 --> 01:03:43,040
Okay, I won't ring the doctor.

887
01:03:43,120 --> 01:03:44,800
I love you, sweetheart. Bye.

888
01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:10,680
This is not about
an eating disorder.

889
01:04:10,760 --> 01:04:14,600
There's something much more problematic
and deep-rooted with Pippa.

890
01:04:16,960 --> 01:04:23,600
It's taken seven years since Paul died
to not be able to understand it.

891
01:04:24,120 --> 01:04:26,040
And the doctors don't understand it.

892
01:04:28,360 --> 01:04:29,920
And I can't work it out.

893
01:04:31,640 --> 01:04:33,960
Is it something
that someone else can uncover?

894
01:04:34,040 --> 01:04:37,400
Or does it need for Pippa to get
to the point where she can...

895
01:04:38,800 --> 01:04:42,800
do her own self-discovery...

896
01:04:43,320 --> 01:04:47,360
and find out for herself
what the real issue is?

897
01:04:59,200 --> 01:05:02,560
When I was nine,
I said to my mum...

898
01:05:03,680 --> 01:05:06,880
"Mum, I don't feel well.

899
01:05:06,960 --> 01:05:08,520
I just don't feel myself."

900
01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:11,880
I miss being me.

901
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:17,200
Like, I just know that this isn't me.

902
01:05:18,080 --> 01:05:21,160
I don't know.
It's really hard to describe.

903
01:05:39,760 --> 01:05:44,480
- Fucking hell.
- What?

904
01:05:44,560 --> 01:05:46,480
Oh, my goodness, Mum.

905
01:05:47,280 --> 01:05:50,000
- How do you live in here?
- I don't know.

906
01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:52,080
- It makes me want to cry.
- I know.

907
01:05:52,160 --> 01:05:53,560
It's got worse.

908
01:05:53,640 --> 01:05:55,160
You're a hoarder.

909
01:05:56,000 --> 01:05:57,560
Yeah, I don't know if I agree with that.

910
01:05:57,640 --> 01:05:59,520
Mum, look at your bed.

911
01:05:59,600 --> 01:06:03,120
Yeah, well, it's because I knit in bed
and so I keep all my wool handy and...

912
01:06:03,200 --> 01:06:05,760
- That was a few days ago.
- Just keeping it handy?

913
01:06:07,560 --> 01:06:11,200
- A Minnie Mouse dog outfit?
- That's for Darcy.

914
01:06:11,280 --> 01:06:12,880
I'm making that for Jo.

915
01:06:14,200 --> 01:06:17,360
A handbag? Just in case you need to
go somewhere in the night, Mum?

916
01:06:17,440 --> 01:06:19,840
No, I used it to go out
and haven't put it back.

917
01:06:20,760 --> 01:06:22,880
- Do you have one in here?
- No.

918
01:06:24,240 --> 01:06:26,240
- I'll go and get a hairbrush.
- Well, even if you did...

919
01:06:26,320 --> 01:06:29,120
- I'll go and get my...
- ...there'd be no way of finding it.

920
01:06:29,960 --> 01:06:32,360
I'm not proud of myself and I'm not happy.

921
01:06:33,800 --> 01:06:36,840
- So change it.
- Yeah.

922
01:07:12,200 --> 01:07:13,360
Hey, Oz, look.

923
01:07:13,440 --> 01:07:16,680
"Just a little kindness
is all this sad world needs."

924
01:07:17,520 --> 01:07:18,640
Oh.

925
01:07:28,480 --> 01:07:30,080
- Kacie?
- Yes?

926
01:07:30,160 --> 01:07:34,080
Is this what we used for the confetti
for Daddy's funeral?

927
01:07:36,040 --> 01:07:37,560
Do you want to keep that, Mum?

928
01:07:39,040 --> 01:07:40,800
Look, there's a little...

929
01:07:40,880 --> 01:07:44,160
How cute were we, Mum?
Look how lovely that is.

930
01:07:45,000 --> 01:07:46,520
It's a bunny rabbit.

931
01:07:48,920 --> 01:07:52,640
- I don't know what that is. A gnome?
- A little Santa or a gnome?

932
01:07:53,800 --> 01:07:55,160
It's okay, Mum.

933
01:08:01,120 --> 01:08:02,200
I'll put that somewhere safe.

934
01:08:02,280 --> 01:08:05,160
- It was a nice idea, though, wasn't it?
- It was.

935
01:08:06,200 --> 01:08:07,760
I'm glad I did that.

936
01:08:11,560 --> 01:08:12,960
Sorry.

937
01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:16,760
I'm so sorry.

938
01:08:16,840 --> 01:08:20,200
Why are you sorry, Mum?
Mum, this is all good.

939
01:08:20,960 --> 01:08:24,479
This is a nice thing.
How lovely.

940
01:08:33,399 --> 01:08:36,359
I'm gonna take this away now, okay?

941
01:08:37,279 --> 01:08:38,880
- Sorry.
- It's okay, Mum.

942
01:08:39,439 --> 01:08:40,720
Thank you.

943
01:08:50,120 --> 01:08:56,080
I think it's quite suited me, in a way,
not to have to face my own emotions.

944
01:09:00,479 --> 01:09:03,359
Now that the kids are growing up, I'm...

945
01:09:03,439 --> 01:09:07,080
I'm starting to have enough brain space

946
01:09:07,160 --> 01:09:11,080
to start thinking about how I feel.

947
01:09:11,160 --> 01:09:12,439
- Yeah.
- Thank you.

948
01:09:34,479 --> 01:09:36,160
Right.

949
01:09:36,800 --> 01:09:41,600
I wanted them to have a proper childhood,
a happy one.

950
01:09:43,880 --> 01:09:45,600
I just wish
I could have protected them more

951
01:09:45,680 --> 01:09:50,760
from a lot of the things
that they were subjected to.

952
01:10:00,480 --> 01:10:03,360
In RE today, it ended up being,
like, a giant discussion.

953
01:10:04,720 --> 01:10:06,120
What did you talk about today?

954
01:10:06,200 --> 01:10:08,320
Uh, evidence of the afterlife.

955
01:10:09,240 --> 01:10:13,800
My idea of reincarnation is that we die...

956
01:10:15,440 --> 01:10:18,000
we finish any unfinished business.

957
01:10:18,600 --> 01:10:20,960
We can stay
and haunt our family for a bit.

958
01:10:21,040 --> 01:10:24,240
And as soon as you're done, you don't go
to heaven 'cause that's a waste of time.

959
01:10:24,320 --> 01:10:26,360
That's just lounging about in a cloud.

960
01:10:27,120 --> 01:10:30,960
You go and you're just...
you're born again.

961
01:10:31,040 --> 01:10:32,160
Here it is.

962
01:10:34,560 --> 01:10:36,200
When my dad passed away...

963
01:10:37,000 --> 01:10:39,600
my mum found
all of these coping strategies.

964
01:10:39,680 --> 01:10:42,800
There was one
where we wrote a note to our dad.

965
01:10:44,680 --> 01:10:47,200
"To Dad. I have missed you.

966
01:10:47,280 --> 01:10:50,480
We love you and I still don't know
why you killed yourself.

967
01:10:50,560 --> 01:10:54,000
I cry every night
and I'd kill myself just to see you.

968
01:10:54,080 --> 01:10:55,520
I really miss you.

969
01:10:55,600 --> 01:10:57,800
I don't know. Love from Pippa."

970
01:11:02,040 --> 01:11:05,400
I think my dad,
he had a split personality.

971
01:11:06,640 --> 01:11:10,080
On one side, he loved us,
and he didn't want any harm to come to us.

972
01:11:10,160 --> 01:11:12,240
In fact, he protected us almost too much.

973
01:11:12,880 --> 01:11:15,760
On the other side,
he was trapped in his own mind.

974
01:11:15,840 --> 01:11:17,160
I think that's how he felt.

975
01:11:18,640 --> 01:11:23,040
And he had a plan
that he would kill us all.

976
01:11:24,960 --> 01:11:26,520
And I just think...

977
01:11:28,000 --> 01:11:30,560
in his right mind, the mind that loved us,

978
01:11:30,640 --> 01:11:32,840
he thought, "I don't wanna do that
to my family. I love my family."

979
01:11:39,000 --> 01:11:43,680
So, to protect us, he killed himself.

980
01:11:47,840 --> 01:11:49,720
So that he didn't kill us.

981
01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:54,000
And I don't really care whether
people think that that's true or not,

982
01:11:54,080 --> 01:11:55,800
or whether that's stupid.

983
01:11:55,880 --> 01:11:57,160
It just, um...

984
01:11:58,000 --> 01:11:59,640
It puts my mind at ease.

985
01:12:28,080 --> 01:12:29,600
- Hello.
- Last day.

986
01:12:32,040 --> 01:12:34,560
Pip, you know this is gonna be you
in two years' time?

987
01:12:34,640 --> 01:12:35,560
Yeah.

988
01:12:35,640 --> 01:12:38,040
- Are you gonna miss it?
- No.

989
01:12:38,120 --> 01:12:40,360
Not even, like, a tiny bit?

990
01:12:40,440 --> 01:12:42,680
Maybe, like, a tiny, tiny bit.

991
01:12:42,760 --> 01:12:46,880
And, like, I'll be going to a job
that I probably want to do

992
01:12:46,960 --> 01:12:48,680
and I'll be getting paid for it.

993
01:12:48,760 --> 01:12:50,360
You've got to go to college first.

994
01:12:50,960 --> 01:12:54,360
Yeah, but I'll have a job. And at college,
I'll be doing what I want to do.

995
01:12:55,080 --> 01:12:58,480
How do you know you'll have a job?
The economy is not doing very well.

996
01:13:03,560 --> 01:13:05,960
Oh, I can't believe it's your last day.

997
01:13:06,040 --> 01:13:07,480
Give me a hug.

998
01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:10,240
It might be all right for you,
but I'm really struggling.

999
01:13:11,200 --> 01:13:13,440
Mum, it's always gonna be sad
when people leave school.

1000
01:13:14,200 --> 01:13:15,560
Mmm.

1001
01:13:15,640 --> 01:13:17,680
Shit gets real after school, doesn't it?

1002
01:13:21,720 --> 01:13:24,080
Remember when we used to
pretend that we were super stars?

1003
01:13:24,160 --> 01:13:25,000
Yeah.

1004
01:13:25,080 --> 01:13:27,160
We always had big dreams,

1005
01:13:27,240 --> 01:13:30,800
and now that we're older,
it feels like, "Oh, it's hard."

1006
01:13:30,880 --> 01:13:34,200
You can't just snap your fingers
and everything just happens.

1007
01:13:34,280 --> 01:13:35,200
You've gotta proper work for it.

1008
01:13:35,280 --> 01:13:37,760
- And, like, doubting yourself.
- Yeah.

1009
01:13:37,840 --> 01:13:39,600
- Do you get that?
- Yeah.

1010
01:13:42,320 --> 01:13:48,480
♪ When I was young
I dealt in fantasy and dreams ♪

1011
01:13:48,560 --> 01:13:51,240
♪ The grass was greener where I stood ♪

1012
01:13:51,320 --> 01:13:55,000
♪ If I tried to fly, I could ♪

1013
01:13:55,080 --> 01:14:00,680
♪ With magic
Magic children have within their souls ♪

1014
01:14:00,760 --> 01:14:04,040
Yeah, I want the whole top
from sleeve to sleeve.

1015
01:14:04,120 --> 01:14:08,160
♪ It's tragic
The logic we apply when we get old ♪

1016
01:14:08,240 --> 01:14:11,360
♪ I used to fly away ♪

1017
01:14:11,440 --> 01:14:15,440
♪ Fly away, fly away
Fly away, fly away... ♪

1018
01:14:15,520 --> 01:14:16,880
Can I hang it up in here?

1019
01:14:16,960 --> 01:14:18,840
Yeah. Are you not gonna get dressed?

1020
01:14:22,560 --> 01:14:25,680
I've always wanted to be
a fashion designer.

1021
01:14:25,760 --> 01:14:27,680
I know that's over ambitious.

1022
01:14:27,760 --> 01:14:31,120
I always think about having my own show...

1023
01:14:32,120 --> 01:14:35,400
constantly,
especially when I'm going to sleep.

1024
01:14:36,720 --> 01:14:38,240
And when I wake up...

1025
01:14:39,280 --> 01:14:41,360
I think of my own show,
and I'm like, "Ah..."

1026
01:14:41,440 --> 01:14:44,200
But then again, someone has to be
the next Vivienne Westwood,

1027
01:14:44,280 --> 01:14:46,800
so why can't I be
the next Vivienne Westwood?

1028
01:14:48,800 --> 01:14:50,320
It's worth a try.

1029
01:14:55,400 --> 01:14:57,640
"Ed equals swag," apparently.

1030
01:15:00,520 --> 01:15:02,760
What is this swag
that they speak of?

1031
01:15:04,560 --> 01:15:07,680
- You got a girlfriend?
- Yeah. Her name's Sarah.

1032
01:15:07,760 --> 01:15:10,920
- How did you meet her?
- Through the autism group.

1033
01:15:11,560 --> 01:15:14,520
Well, before I met her, I thought
she was gonna be really weird.

1034
01:15:14,600 --> 01:15:16,080
And then when I met her,
I was quite surprised.

1035
01:15:16,160 --> 01:15:19,600
'Cause she was weird,
but not, like, a weird sort of weird.

1036
01:15:19,680 --> 01:15:23,360
She was just different, but it was good.

1037
01:15:23,440 --> 01:15:25,080
Have you fallen in love?

1038
01:15:26,640 --> 01:15:29,200
What a weird question.

1039
01:15:29,280 --> 01:15:30,680
Yeah, I guess so.

1040
01:15:31,400 --> 01:15:34,960
I think love for another person, though,
is the weirdest

1041
01:15:35,040 --> 01:15:38,160
because you have moments
where you want to hug them,

1042
01:15:38,240 --> 01:15:40,120
but then you have moments
when you want to have sex with them,

1043
01:15:40,200 --> 01:15:41,720
and I find that really unusual.

1044
01:15:41,800 --> 01:15:44,000
I think it's also hard for me,
because of my autism,

1045
01:15:44,080 --> 01:15:45,560
to know what I'm actually feeling.

1046
01:15:45,640 --> 01:15:46,960
Yeah. Exactly.

1047
01:15:47,040 --> 01:15:51,120
'Cause I've had a tendency
to mistake emotions for each other.

1048
01:15:51,200 --> 01:15:53,200
I can't say to you, "Yes, you're in love."

1049
01:15:53,280 --> 01:15:54,720
I know you're besotted,

1050
01:15:54,800 --> 01:15:57,280
but whether you're in love with Sarah
is another matter.

1051
01:15:57,360 --> 01:15:58,720
'Cause the way I see it is,

1052
01:15:58,800 --> 01:16:03,240
I don't think I'd ever find someone
who's better suited for me.

1053
01:16:03,920 --> 01:16:05,760
Not at the moment, but you're only 16.

1054
01:16:05,840 --> 01:16:07,720
- It's another level.
- Have you ever been in love, then?

1055
01:16:08,440 --> 01:16:09,720
Yeah, I was in love with Daddy.

1056
01:16:09,800 --> 01:16:11,680
How long did that last for?

1057
01:16:11,760 --> 01:16:16,000
Well, did you ever, sort of...
fall out of it?

1058
01:16:17,920 --> 01:16:20,880
I suppose our relationship went
from being in love

1059
01:16:20,960 --> 01:16:25,000
to being more of a companion relationship.

1060
01:16:25,080 --> 01:16:29,160
So I still loved him, but it was becoming
impossible to live with him.

1061
01:16:29,720 --> 01:16:32,280
♪ Dreaming, dreaming ♪

1062
01:16:32,360 --> 01:16:37,680
♪ Dreaming of the way we used to be ♪

1063
01:16:37,760 --> 01:16:39,560
- You look wonderful.
- Thank you.

1064
01:16:39,640 --> 01:16:41,120
You look absolutely wonderful.

1065
01:16:41,200 --> 01:16:43,800
Vikie, you're ever so photogenic,
aren't you?

1066
01:16:43,880 --> 01:16:45,200
- Am I?
- Oh, yeah.

1067
01:16:46,000 --> 01:16:48,560
You always look good on camera. Always.

1068
01:16:48,640 --> 01:16:50,560
Pippa! Pippa, there.

1069
01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:52,600
You are a very beautiful woman.

1070
01:16:58,680 --> 01:17:05,640
♪ We could reminisce forevermore ♪

1071
01:17:08,880 --> 01:17:11,760
We have invested
a considerable amount of time and money.

1072
01:17:13,800 --> 01:17:16,240
- Was that Daddy?
- Yeah, I think so.

1073
01:17:17,680 --> 01:17:20,080
Hi, Vikie. It's Paul.

1074
01:17:20,160 --> 01:17:23,320
Vikie, it's Paul.

1075
01:17:23,400 --> 01:17:27,320
I'd like to speak to you.

1076
01:17:31,320 --> 01:17:34,240
♪ World ♪

1077
01:17:34,320 --> 01:17:38,920
♪ You keep spinning around ♪

1078
01:17:39,000 --> 01:17:44,120
♪ Giving us life without making a sound ♪

1079
01:17:50,080 --> 01:17:53,120
Eight years today since he died.

1080
01:17:55,800 --> 01:17:57,400
That's sad.

1081
01:18:03,360 --> 01:18:05,920
I think people don't understand that.

1082
01:18:07,520 --> 01:18:10,560
It's been eight years,
but we've only had to...

1083
01:18:11,400 --> 01:18:15,800
like, relive this day eight times
since it happened.

1084
01:18:15,880 --> 01:18:18,080
Which isn't many, really.

1085
01:18:21,280 --> 01:18:23,840
It always feels like
it happened yesterday.

1086
01:18:23,920 --> 01:18:28,440
But he feels like
he's getting further away.

1087
01:18:28,520 --> 01:18:32,440
But the day feels...
The day was always yesterday.

1088
01:18:35,840 --> 01:18:39,120
When we went to Minehead Beach...

1089
01:18:39,960 --> 01:18:42,120
the last time
we'd go on holiday with him...

1090
01:18:45,080 --> 01:18:46,920
we made this sandcastle.

1091
01:18:47,000 --> 01:18:48,880
I loved the castle at beach today.

1092
01:18:48,960 --> 01:18:51,640
And then Dad was like,
"Let's take photos! Let's take photos!"

1093
01:18:54,080 --> 01:18:55,400
Excuse me, everybody.

1094
01:18:55,480 --> 01:18:58,240
Excuse me, but if we could just...
If you could just...

1095
01:18:58,320 --> 01:18:59,920
- We could all get in.
- It was really lovely...

1096
01:19:00,000 --> 01:19:01,440
At least two of us stand here...

1097
01:19:01,520 --> 01:19:03,880
...'cause he was different
on holiday.

1098
01:19:05,320 --> 01:19:07,040
He was nothing but fun.

1099
01:19:07,720 --> 01:19:10,120
Dad, why are you recording?

1100
01:19:10,200 --> 01:19:14,160
Because this will never
happen again and I'm recording...

1101
01:19:15,400 --> 01:19:18,440
Smile, guys, you're on camera!

1102
01:19:18,520 --> 01:19:20,720
You're disowned. I disown you.

1103
01:19:20,800 --> 01:19:21,960
I've only just started.

1104
01:19:22,040 --> 01:19:23,200
I disown you.

1105
01:19:24,400 --> 01:19:26,640
I think it's sad
that he's missed so much.

1106
01:19:28,880 --> 01:19:30,080
Mmm...

1107
01:19:33,320 --> 01:19:36,120
- Pip! I found the contract!
- Fuckin'... No!

1108
01:19:36,200 --> 01:19:39,080
- I found the contract!
- No!

1109
01:19:39,160 --> 01:19:42,920
"This deal was made
when Pippa wanted some Hubba Bubba."

1110
01:19:43,880 --> 01:19:44,920
- Signed...
- Signed Pippa-Peita...

1111
01:19:45,000 --> 01:19:48,520
I spelt it... Do you know
why I spelt it wrong, Nik?

1112
01:19:48,600 --> 01:19:49,760
- Why?
- 'Cause then I thought

1113
01:19:49,840 --> 01:19:50,880
if it ever went to court,

1114
01:19:50,960 --> 01:19:52,880
- they couldn't use it.
- Are you serious?

1115
01:19:52,960 --> 01:19:54,680
They couldn't do me for it
'cause I'd signed it wrong.

1116
01:19:56,640 --> 01:19:58,480
This is brilliant. I love this.

1117
01:19:59,280 --> 01:20:00,880
Oh, things I do 'cause of my autism.

1118
01:20:01,960 --> 01:20:04,400
"I get upset over little things.

1119
01:20:06,360 --> 01:20:08,320
I repeat myself."

1120
01:20:08,400 --> 01:20:09,640
I repeat myself.

1121
01:20:09,720 --> 01:20:12,720
I repeat myself. I don't... I'm joking.

1122
01:20:15,640 --> 01:20:18,160
"I know you left for a reason."

1123
01:20:18,240 --> 01:20:20,600
- No, it's about Dad. It's about Dad.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1124
01:20:23,240 --> 01:20:26,760
"When the rain touches my face,
it's like you're touching me, too.

1125
01:20:26,840 --> 01:20:30,680
My heart beats with a race,
like I'm here right next to you.

1126
01:20:30,760 --> 01:20:34,400
I used to think you'd come back,
but that was only in my dreams.

1127
01:20:34,480 --> 01:20:38,480
Now all those years of waiting,
you never returned back from the stream."

1128
01:20:39,400 --> 01:20:40,640
Oh, shit.

1129
01:20:46,800 --> 01:20:47,800
Sad, isn't it?

1130
01:20:47,880 --> 01:20:50,440
And you weren't listening to me
and laughing about something else.

1131
01:20:51,000 --> 01:20:52,480
I hope you feel bad.

1132
01:20:57,000 --> 01:20:57,960
- What?
- Hug me.

1133
01:20:58,040 --> 01:21:01,080
- Ew, why?
- I wanna hug you. Please.

1134
01:21:09,720 --> 01:21:12,080
- I love you.
- I love you.

1135
01:21:14,680 --> 01:21:18,600
♪ Remember when you'd watch us grow ♪

1136
01:21:18,680 --> 01:21:20,480
♪ And we'd perform our show ♪

1137
01:21:21,720 --> 01:21:22,560
Fuck.

1138
01:21:22,640 --> 01:21:25,920
What did Dad used to always...
Like, what did he always used to say?

1139
01:21:26,000 --> 01:21:27,880
"One day we'll all fly away to paradise."

1140
01:21:27,960 --> 01:21:29,760
No, just "fly away to paradise."

1141
01:21:32,240 --> 01:21:36,560
The chorus should be
something like... Daily reminiscing?

1142
01:21:36,640 --> 01:21:37,480
Yeah.

1143
01:21:38,840 --> 01:21:40,560
How do you spell "reminiscing"?

1144
01:21:44,200 --> 01:21:45,560
R-E...

1145
01:21:46,400 --> 01:21:48,160
- You're guessing, aren't you?
- Yeah.

1146
01:21:50,760 --> 01:21:52,400
Well, do you think there...

1147
01:21:52,480 --> 01:21:55,040
She'll reach a point where she thinks
she has made a mistake?

1148
01:21:56,280 --> 01:21:57,640
- I think...
- How long has it been?

1149
01:21:58,200 --> 01:22:00,440
- Since we haven't spoken?
- Mmm.

1150
01:22:00,520 --> 01:22:01,520
Two days.

1151
01:22:02,560 --> 01:22:03,720
I think it needs a bit longer than that.

1152
01:22:03,800 --> 01:22:05,840
Yeah, I know that.
But what I'm saying is...

1153
01:22:05,920 --> 01:22:07,640
- Mum, seriously. Mum, listen.
- I know.

1154
01:22:07,720 --> 01:22:12,440
I think seven months is too long
to not give it another try.

1155
01:22:12,520 --> 01:22:15,520
And if tonight she came over
or messaged me,

1156
01:22:15,600 --> 01:22:19,000
and said she wanted another chance,
I'd probably say yes.

1157
01:22:19,080 --> 01:22:20,560
- At this point.
- Mmm-hmm.

1158
01:22:21,560 --> 01:22:24,640
Because you don't want
the relationship to die or...

1159
01:22:26,280 --> 01:22:28,000
It's about what you want.

1160
01:22:29,120 --> 01:22:31,120
You can't control what other people do.

1161
01:22:37,920 --> 01:22:42,680
♪ Wish we could turn back time
To the good old days ♪

1162
01:22:42,760 --> 01:22:48,080
♪ When our momma sang us to sleep
But now we're stressed out ♪

1163
01:22:50,280 --> 01:22:52,320
How is being 15, Pippa?

1164
01:22:52,920 --> 01:22:56,880
Like, the sugarcoated answer
or, like, the brutally honest?

1165
01:22:56,960 --> 01:22:59,280
- The brutally honest answer.
- Absolutely shit.

1166
01:23:00,520 --> 01:23:02,040
Got a lot of...

1167
01:23:02,680 --> 01:23:05,560
Bit of stuff going on and it's just...

1168
01:23:09,160 --> 01:23:10,120
Don't know.

1169
01:23:10,200 --> 01:23:13,040
Right now, all I want to do
is spend time with my family.

1170
01:23:13,120 --> 01:23:15,200
And laugh and smile,
just like everyone else.

1171
01:23:15,280 --> 01:23:18,000
But I can't
because there's something swallowing me.

1172
01:23:18,080 --> 01:23:22,680
It's like your chest is a black hole
and it's just...

1173
01:23:22,760 --> 01:23:26,040
Your body is just melting into it.

1174
01:23:26,640 --> 01:23:29,440
You think about all the things
that you're leaving behind.

1175
01:23:29,520 --> 01:23:32,720
Your family, your friends,
upcoming events.

1176
01:23:32,800 --> 01:23:34,440
Silly things like that.

1177
01:23:35,280 --> 01:23:39,400
But then if you don't do it,
you'll have to wake up another day.

1178
01:23:39,480 --> 01:23:42,880
You'll have to face all of these things
another day.

1179
01:23:42,960 --> 01:23:46,680
And it counteracts and you just think,
"It's not worth it. I can't do it."

1180
01:23:48,360 --> 01:23:52,360
I think that's how my dad felt,
most likely.

1181
01:23:53,560 --> 01:23:58,200
I do worry that I have...

1182
01:23:58,280 --> 01:23:59,600
I'm similar to my dad.

1183
01:23:59,680 --> 01:24:01,600
It's not so much a worry
that he was a bad person,

1184
01:24:01,680 --> 01:24:05,080
it's just, you know,
the monsters inside his head...

1185
01:24:05,800 --> 01:24:11,120
that I'm afraid are going to be
passed down onto me and I'm...

1186
01:24:11,200 --> 01:24:14,960
That's a very scary thought...

1187
01:24:16,000 --> 01:24:17,640
because they're scary monsters.

1188
01:24:29,720 --> 01:24:31,160
Could somebody get me
some toilet roll?

1189
01:24:31,240 --> 01:24:32,680
What about putting this on?

1190
01:24:36,400 --> 01:24:42,560
Nikita is having a Halloween party thing
with all of her college friends.

1191
01:24:44,320 --> 01:24:45,800
Osborn!

1192
01:24:49,720 --> 01:24:51,320
Mum, is this a good party?

1193
01:24:51,400 --> 01:24:53,200
- It's a brilliant party!
- Okay.

1194
01:24:53,280 --> 01:24:54,640
It's fantastic.

1195
01:24:54,720 --> 01:24:57,200
- A room full of people having fun?
- Chaos.

1196
01:24:58,320 --> 01:24:59,920
Nik, why did people think
you were a bitch?

1197
01:25:00,000 --> 01:25:01,640
Yeah, at the beginning of last year,

1198
01:25:01,720 --> 01:25:04,320
people thought I was a bitch
and really stuck up and stuff.

1199
01:25:04,400 --> 01:25:07,440
I don't know what people think about me.
I have literally no idea.

1200
01:25:07,520 --> 01:25:09,080
- I think it's 'cause I'm posh, as well.
- Trust me.

1201
01:25:09,160 --> 01:25:10,520
- Shall I say what everyone thinks?
- No.

1202
01:25:10,600 --> 01:25:13,560
They think you're hot
and that you're really cool.

1203
01:25:13,640 --> 01:25:14,480
Oh, cool.

1204
01:25:14,560 --> 01:25:17,960
- Do you think he's hot? Aw.
- Yeah. He is hot.

1205
01:25:22,440 --> 01:25:24,600
How come you didn't invite
any of your friends?

1206
01:25:24,680 --> 01:25:26,680
'Cause I don't have any friends.

1207
01:25:27,800 --> 01:25:28,840
- It's fine.
- Are you serious?

1208
01:25:28,920 --> 01:25:29,880
Yeah.

1209
01:25:31,200 --> 01:25:33,040
But I'm your friend, and I came.

1210
01:25:33,120 --> 01:25:35,080
Yeah, but I didn't invite you. So...

1211
01:25:35,800 --> 01:25:38,040
Awkward. Okay.

1212
01:25:38,120 --> 01:25:39,400
Okay.

1213
01:25:54,440 --> 01:25:56,600
- Jamie, run!
- Jamie, why aren't you running? Come on!

1214
01:26:02,640 --> 01:26:05,920
Welcome on a chilly evening
to Coventry Cathedral.

1215
01:26:06,000 --> 01:26:08,160
It's really exciting that we're the venue

1216
01:26:08,240 --> 01:26:11,960
for the first ever
Coventry Charity talent competition.

1217
01:26:18,560 --> 01:26:20,360
Guys, before we do it,

1218
01:26:20,440 --> 01:26:22,880
I'm really happy
I'm performing with you guys.

1219
01:26:22,960 --> 01:26:25,000
This is, like, a dream come true.

1220
01:26:36,040 --> 01:26:39,200
♪ I know there's pain ♪

1221
01:26:40,000 --> 01:26:44,320
♪ Why do lock yourselves up
In these chains? ♪

1222
01:26:45,960 --> 01:26:49,880
♪ Just open your heart and your mind ♪

1223
01:26:50,880 --> 01:26:53,600
♪ Is it really fair to feel... ♪

1224
01:26:53,680 --> 01:26:55,640
Watching Nikita
in the show last night...

1225
01:26:56,480 --> 01:26:59,880
I suddenly looked at her in a way
I've never looked at her before.

1226
01:27:01,160 --> 01:27:02,720
And then looked at all the children.

1227
01:27:04,400 --> 01:27:07,920
And all of them are all half me.

1228
01:27:08,000 --> 01:27:10,200
And the next thought was,
"Well, they're half Paul."

1229
01:27:14,280 --> 01:27:16,080
I don't know
how I feel about Paul anymore.

1230
01:27:17,320 --> 01:27:23,000
He left me with a situation,
and I've done the best I can, but...

1231
01:27:23,080 --> 01:27:25,240
I don't know, I almost feel no emotion.

1232
01:27:25,320 --> 01:27:27,720
But, kind of, last night, I thought...

1233
01:27:27,800 --> 01:27:30,280
You know, actually,
he couldn't have left me with any...

1234
01:27:32,000 --> 01:27:34,160
any greater gift than the children.

1235
01:27:34,920 --> 01:27:37,160
And without him, I wouldn't have them.

1236
01:27:37,240 --> 01:27:40,840
And without them, I don't know who I'd be.

1237
01:27:45,800 --> 01:27:49,920
We have to think of a word
that could be...

1238
01:27:50,640 --> 01:27:53,000
- That we could use for the future.
- Soon?

1239
01:27:54,320 --> 01:27:56,440
All right.

1240
01:27:57,280 --> 01:28:01,480
How about, "One day the open
bleeding wound he left us with

1241
01:28:01,560 --> 01:28:03,160
will soon be a faded scar."

1242
01:28:05,320 --> 01:28:09,120
Or, "One day the bleeding...
the open bleeding wound..."

1243
01:28:09,200 --> 01:28:12,840
- "The open dripping wound..."
- No!

1244
01:28:12,920 --> 01:28:16,520
- "One day the... massacre."
- Guys, you cannot write lyrics.

1245
01:28:17,120 --> 01:28:21,040
I think we should throw in the wanting him
to see how far we've come.

1246
01:28:21,120 --> 01:28:22,880
Like, that we've achieved the dreams.

1247
01:28:22,960 --> 01:28:24,360
We're not there yet.

1248
01:28:24,440 --> 01:28:26,600
'Cause this is what we're hoping
to achieve in the future.

1249
01:28:30,760 --> 01:28:31,760
Mum!

1250
01:28:32,880 --> 01:28:34,080
Do you want me?

1251
01:28:39,200 --> 01:28:41,800
Happy Mother's Day!

1252
01:28:41,880 --> 01:28:44,880
Oh, my babies. Aw.

1253
01:28:47,040 --> 01:28:49,720
- Thank you. Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

1254
01:28:49,800 --> 01:28:51,760
That's all right.

1255
01:28:51,840 --> 01:28:53,760
- She took it out of the flower pot.
- I don't care.

1256
01:28:54,400 --> 01:28:56,360
She took it out of the pot.

1257
01:28:58,120 --> 01:28:59,800
I'm so sorry.

1258
01:29:02,720 --> 01:29:05,400
- I had nothing to do with this.
- Thank you, Osborn.

1259
01:29:10,440 --> 01:29:11,640
Is that from you?

1260
01:29:23,920 --> 01:29:25,440
I didn't think she was gonna cry.

1261
01:29:30,720 --> 01:29:32,640
I'm sorry, Mummy.
I only put seven pounds in.

1262
01:29:32,720 --> 01:29:35,360
Thank you for all being
the most wonderful children on the planet.

1263
01:29:44,760 --> 01:29:48,840
Today's lesson
is all about repairing glass doors.

1264
01:30:03,800 --> 01:30:05,440
How did you find out
you were autistic? Just quickly.

1265
01:30:05,520 --> 01:30:07,320
You told me. I was about four-five.

1266
01:30:07,400 --> 01:30:10,640
I just remember,
it's just always been a part of our lives.

1267
01:30:12,720 --> 01:30:15,480
People think that
people with autism lack in empathy.

1268
01:30:15,560 --> 01:30:20,440
But I think it's, sometimes,
actually the complete opposite.

1269
01:30:20,520 --> 01:30:24,080
And that they have so much empathy
that they don't know how to deal with it.

1270
01:30:28,520 --> 01:30:34,200
♪ Do you want us to cry? ♪

1271
01:30:53,520 --> 01:30:57,040
Oh, hello. I just spoke to someone
regarding some evidence.

1272
01:30:57,120 --> 01:31:00,800
It was my husband's suicide note
that was held by the police,

1273
01:31:00,880 --> 01:31:03,240
that I've never had access
to the original.

1274
01:31:03,320 --> 01:31:05,200
'Cause there's a PTO on one of the pages

1275
01:31:05,280 --> 01:31:07,320
that we've never actually been
able to see.

1276
01:31:08,040 --> 01:31:08,920
Okay.

1277
01:31:10,880 --> 01:31:11,760
It's annoying, isn't it?

1278
01:31:11,840 --> 01:31:14,480
You try and do something,
and you just come against a brick wall.

1279
01:31:27,240 --> 01:31:28,760
I think that whenever you move,

1280
01:31:28,840 --> 01:31:31,040
it's obviously, like...
I've not experienced it before.

1281
01:31:31,120 --> 01:31:32,480
But you gotta be, like,

1282
01:31:32,560 --> 01:31:34,400
"Right, what do I want to take with me

1283
01:31:34,480 --> 01:31:37,840
and what do I not really mind
so much letting go of."

1284
01:31:40,800 --> 01:31:42,040
"Three months and two weeks ago,

1285
01:31:42,120 --> 01:31:45,120
my dad committed suicide,
and it's left my whole family heartbroken.

1286
01:31:45,200 --> 01:31:48,880
The day before he died, I said,
'Life couldn't get any worse.'

1287
01:31:48,960 --> 01:31:50,200
How wrong I was.

1288
01:31:50,280 --> 01:31:52,800
Sometimes I wonder why life is so complex.

1289
01:31:52,880 --> 01:31:56,800
We all ask questions and we come
no closer to the answers we want,

1290
01:31:56,880 --> 01:31:58,320
and, more importantly, need."

1291
01:32:08,600 --> 01:32:10,600
Jamie, what were you saying to me

1292
01:32:10,680 --> 01:32:13,280
about you felt as though
last year went quickly?

1293
01:32:13,360 --> 01:32:15,760
What I was saying is that...

1294
01:32:16,760 --> 01:32:23,640
it feels like that you've only been
how old you are for five days.

1295
01:32:24,600 --> 01:32:25,760
That's what I meant.

1296
01:32:26,640 --> 01:32:30,160
Now you've, you know...
You feel like you haven't been...

1297
01:32:31,760 --> 01:32:35,280
...seven for a year.
You've been seven for five days.

1298
01:32:35,360 --> 01:32:37,360
Yes, I know what you mean.

1299
01:32:40,720 --> 01:32:43,520
It's not like I'm saying goodbye forever,
but...

1300
01:32:45,440 --> 01:32:47,680
it's just, like,
it's officially happening.

1301
01:32:48,400 --> 01:32:50,080
Moving on to the next phase.

1302
01:32:57,360 --> 01:33:03,160
In ten years' time, when you look back
on this part of your life...

1303
01:33:04,240 --> 01:33:06,440
what do you think you'll say to yourself?

1304
01:33:08,960 --> 01:33:11,960
I don't know.
I can't see that far into the future.

1305
01:33:13,200 --> 01:33:17,400
I don't really see anything above 16.

1306
01:33:19,160 --> 01:33:20,000
Okay.

1307
01:33:20,080 --> 01:33:22,480
I feel like
my life's stopped being written.

1308
01:33:26,880 --> 01:33:29,480
Will you feel better
once you know what's happening?

1309
01:33:30,920 --> 01:33:32,480
I'm just numb.

1310
01:33:34,560 --> 01:33:38,200
Even when I feel happy, I don't...
I can't feel it.

1311
01:33:39,720 --> 01:33:42,960
I just feel numb,
and my head just feels numb.

1312
01:33:43,960 --> 01:33:46,080
- Bye, guys.
- Bye, Miz.

1313
01:33:46,160 --> 01:33:47,520
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Nice makeup, by the way.

1314
01:33:47,600 --> 01:33:49,720
- Okay. Love you, darling. Bye.
- Drive safely, Mirie.

1315
01:33:49,800 --> 01:33:52,240
- Bye, Mum. I love you both.
- I love you.

1316
01:33:53,480 --> 01:33:55,840
Is there anything
that would make you feel better?

1317
01:33:56,480 --> 01:33:57,760
Not really, no.

1318
01:34:08,920 --> 01:34:11,000
Part of me just wants to sleep.

1319
01:34:11,080 --> 01:34:12,560
But a part of me...

1320
01:34:15,760 --> 01:34:17,120
doesn't know what to do.

1321
01:34:21,520 --> 01:34:24,760
I almost wish that if I had it my way,
none of you would know.

1322
01:34:25,720 --> 01:34:29,160
And I'd be able to get the help
without any of you knowing.

1323
01:34:29,800 --> 01:34:34,640
'Cause it just feels so uncomfortable,
and I'm just embarrassed that...

1324
01:34:34,720 --> 01:34:35,720
But don't be embarrassed, Pippa.

1325
01:34:35,800 --> 01:34:37,840
- It's an illness, it's not...
- I know, but...

1326
01:34:37,920 --> 01:34:41,440
I'm putting the family through some shit.
And some of you don't...

1327
01:34:41,520 --> 01:34:44,560
Like, and it's not your fault,
but they don't understand that

1328
01:34:44,640 --> 01:34:46,360
I can't help it.

1329
01:34:57,160 --> 01:35:00,600
You hope that
you've brought them up to treasure life.

1330
01:35:02,560 --> 01:35:04,320
That's your job as a parent.

1331
01:35:06,840 --> 01:35:10,280
It's the last thing I want,
but she does need to be in hospital.

1332
01:35:25,040 --> 01:35:26,240
What are you doing?

1333
01:35:26,320 --> 01:35:28,640
I was just putting things in here.

1334
01:35:31,320 --> 01:35:34,000
- It's not the same without her, is it?
- No.

1335
01:35:34,560 --> 01:35:37,120
You all take
a different thing away with you.

1336
01:35:37,200 --> 01:35:39,960
Pippa,
it's like that sparky-ness has gone.

1337
01:35:40,640 --> 01:35:41,880
What do I take away with me?

1338
01:36:36,960 --> 01:36:37,920
"Sorry."

1339
01:36:40,720 --> 01:36:42,080
It just says sorry.

1340
01:36:50,800 --> 01:36:51,640
There's blood.

1341
01:37:15,440 --> 01:37:16,280
- Yeah.
- Okay.

1342
01:37:16,360 --> 01:37:19,600
So, like, a few weeks ago,
I wrote one poem.

1343
01:37:19,680 --> 01:37:20,560
Can I see it?

1344
01:37:21,200 --> 01:37:24,240
Don't read it out loud.
And don't move your lips.

1345
01:37:24,320 --> 01:37:27,640
- And don't, like, look at me.
- I won't read it out or look at you.

1346
01:37:45,240 --> 01:37:46,520
The theme was wonder,

1347
01:37:46,600 --> 01:37:50,000
and I did it more on the topic
of being abandoned...

1348
01:37:50,600 --> 01:37:55,000
sort of the feelings that go
with being left by someone and...

1349
01:37:56,840 --> 01:37:59,800
the sort of wondering about
whether they feel the same way you do

1350
01:37:59,880 --> 01:38:03,200
and whether it's the same story
on both sides.

1351
01:38:06,560 --> 01:38:08,320
Everything in my life,

1352
01:38:08,400 --> 01:38:13,560
the one thing that I couldn't control
in regards to my emotions

1353
01:38:13,640 --> 01:38:15,640
was having my heart broken.

1354
01:38:18,880 --> 01:38:21,720
And no song, no poem, no movie

1355
01:38:21,800 --> 01:38:25,880
can ever describe to a person
how much it hurts.

1356
01:38:27,440 --> 01:38:30,840
I think it has made me understand
maybe why Mum stayed with Dad,

1357
01:38:30,920 --> 01:38:32,280
even when things got difficult.

1358
01:38:32,960 --> 01:38:35,440
'Cause I have found
that when it was getting difficult,

1359
01:38:35,520 --> 01:38:37,600
I still wanted to carry on.

1360
01:38:38,720 --> 01:38:43,480
When I really feel over it,
I'll get the answers I'm looking for.

1361
01:38:44,560 --> 01:38:46,800
Well, I'll either get the answers
I'm looking for,

1362
01:38:46,880 --> 01:38:49,080
or I won't even want answers anymore.

1363
01:38:49,160 --> 01:38:52,520
But I already know, either way,
it doesn't matter, does it?

1364
01:38:52,600 --> 01:38:56,520
As long as one of them happens,
I'll be happy.

1365
01:39:01,800 --> 01:39:07,760
Today, we have a family therapy team

1366
01:39:07,840 --> 01:39:12,280
coming over to have a meeting
or a session with all of us

1367
01:39:12,360 --> 01:39:14,440
to talk about...

1368
01:39:14,520 --> 01:39:16,760
...mostly the day that Paul died.

1369
01:39:16,840 --> 01:39:18,920
To try and help Pippa, really,

1370
01:39:19,000 --> 01:39:24,600
to come to terms with that day
and how everyone felt and how she felt

1371
01:39:24,680 --> 01:39:26,040
and what she remembers from it,

1372
01:39:26,120 --> 01:39:29,480
because she was only six.

1373
01:39:29,560 --> 01:39:31,920
We talk about that day a lot.

1374
01:39:32,000 --> 01:39:36,160
But we've never, actually,
all of us spoken, as a family.

1375
01:39:36,240 --> 01:39:38,520
We can fit 13 people here.

1376
01:39:40,360 --> 01:39:43,320
It was a group experience but it
was also a very individual experience,

1377
01:39:43,400 --> 01:39:45,640
and it was Pippa herself who asked for it.

1378
01:39:56,640 --> 01:40:00,360
Are we talking about this day
as if it happened yesterday?

1379
01:40:00,440 --> 01:40:03,200
I think that year is such a blank
because Paul was...

1380
01:40:03,280 --> 01:40:05,400
- It was a very strange year.
- I left preschool that year.

1381
01:40:05,480 --> 01:40:07,400
- Did you?
- It's funny...

1382
01:40:07,480 --> 01:40:09,520
- That was real.
- Forgot about that until just now!

1383
01:40:09,600 --> 01:40:11,240
I don't ever go inside.

1384
01:40:12,160 --> 01:40:15,080
We didn't imagine that happening.
That did happen.

1385
01:40:15,160 --> 01:40:18,040
I remember Mum saying,
"You know Dad's been ill."

1386
01:40:18,120 --> 01:40:20,240
And then you were like, "I'm so sorry."
And you started crying.

1387
01:40:20,320 --> 01:40:21,480
I just was sad.

1388
01:40:21,560 --> 01:40:23,800
Waking up the next day
thinking it was a dream.

1389
01:40:23,880 --> 01:40:27,040
I don't remember hitting
Mum's car. Was I hitting Mum's car?

1390
01:40:27,120 --> 01:40:29,360
Going back to school and...

1391
01:40:30,080 --> 01:40:33,400
people were pretending
to slit their wrists 'cause they knew.

1392
01:40:33,480 --> 01:40:34,720
It was in the paper.

1393
01:40:36,040 --> 01:40:38,680
I felt like I had to cry
'cause you kept passing me tissues.

1394
01:40:38,760 --> 01:40:40,440
I wasn't really crying.

1395
01:40:40,520 --> 01:40:44,560
I was pretending to cry
because I wanted to be involved.

1396
01:40:51,960 --> 01:40:56,280
We all have things in that day
that, you know, if, if, if...

1397
01:40:56,360 --> 01:40:59,760
But it's what did happen
that we should try and focus on

1398
01:40:59,840 --> 01:41:02,640
because the ifs will just mess you up.

1399
01:41:03,360 --> 01:41:06,320
As long as we stand together,
we're okay.

1400
01:41:08,520 --> 01:41:12,960
It's so useful
because we've never done this.

1401
01:41:14,200 --> 01:41:16,120
We've never heard
everyone's individual story

1402
01:41:16,200 --> 01:41:17,920
and I think it's really good.

1403
01:41:20,120 --> 01:41:22,240
Pipsy? Hello!

1404
01:41:22,320 --> 01:41:24,480
- Hi!
- Is it gonna make her upset?

1405
01:41:24,560 --> 01:41:25,720
No, this will make her happy,

1406
01:41:25,800 --> 01:41:27,640
'cause she thought
she had a bad relationship with Dad,

1407
01:41:27,720 --> 01:41:29,560
but we're showing her
all the bits that are good.

1408
01:41:31,720 --> 01:41:33,200
She's so cute.

1409
01:41:33,880 --> 01:41:36,400
I tell you what,
I just want her to be her natural self.

1410
01:41:41,520 --> 01:41:43,280
How are you doing now, Pippa?

1411
01:41:44,600 --> 01:41:46,920
Do you know what? I think
every time you've asked me that question,

1412
01:41:47,600 --> 01:41:49,520
I've always said, "Pretty shit."

1413
01:41:52,720 --> 01:41:54,640
But this one, I think, like...

1414
01:41:55,680 --> 01:41:57,320
I'm actually okay.

1415
01:42:00,080 --> 01:42:01,480
And I feel as though...

1416
01:42:03,000 --> 01:42:06,560
I'm on the right track
for, like, the first time in my life.

1417
01:42:10,120 --> 01:42:13,080
I've been in hospital almost six months.

1418
01:42:14,040 --> 01:42:15,520
I'm doing better,

1419
01:42:15,600 --> 01:42:19,080
but I'm not getting discharged
anytime soon.

1420
01:42:21,040 --> 01:42:22,520
I don't know.

1421
01:42:24,120 --> 01:42:27,280
It is so hard to acknowledge
that something's wrong.

1422
01:42:28,160 --> 01:42:31,640
Because you can't admit it to yourself.
You're like, "No, I'm fine."

1423
01:42:32,720 --> 01:42:34,360
I don't think that you'll ever know
what you need.

1424
01:42:35,120 --> 01:42:38,480
I think that's a decision you need
someone else to make for you.

1425
01:42:39,120 --> 01:42:42,680
You know,
people die from not accepting help.

1426
01:42:43,960 --> 01:42:47,320
You know,
and we've all experienced that firsthand.

1427
01:42:56,040 --> 01:42:57,960
Oh, my God.

1428
01:42:59,960 --> 01:43:02,640
With death,
it's difficult because...

1429
01:43:03,480 --> 01:43:09,200
I could live my life being angry
at my dad and never forgive him.

1430
01:43:10,280 --> 01:43:13,960
But all that means is that I'm just
gonna be an angry person all the time.

1431
01:43:14,920 --> 01:43:20,440
Whereas I want to feel happiness
and freedom and peace and love.

1432
01:43:26,240 --> 01:43:29,280
- Am I gonna die up here?
- Yeah, the thing is cursed.

1433
01:43:29,360 --> 01:43:30,960
I dare you to jump. Jump!

1434
01:43:31,040 --> 01:43:34,040
I'm still just as wimpy as I used to be.

1435
01:43:35,080 --> 01:43:37,560
- Nothing has changed.
- Nothing's changed, Pip!

1436
01:43:40,080 --> 01:43:41,680
You can do it, girls!

1437
01:43:41,760 --> 01:43:42,680
Come on, Mirie!

1438
01:43:43,720 --> 01:43:45,440
That's it! Don't give up!

1439
01:43:47,080 --> 01:43:50,280
I think we're very lucky
to have had the life we've had.

1440
01:43:51,080 --> 01:43:55,160
Being able to play in the land,
and having so many siblings, and just...

1441
01:43:56,240 --> 01:43:59,280
There's a lot of happy memories,
and I think that's a sign

1442
01:43:59,360 --> 01:44:02,600
of a very lucky upbringing.

1443
01:44:04,600 --> 01:44:06,240
Bad things happen, but...

1444
01:44:07,440 --> 01:44:09,200
holding on to the happy memories, but...

1445
01:44:11,440 --> 01:44:14,760
letting the bad ones
help you move forward.

1446
01:44:16,720 --> 01:44:21,320
And helping you to learn for
different situations that happen in life.

1447
01:44:34,040 --> 01:44:38,200
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

1448
01:44:40,640 --> 01:44:45,400
♪ Remember when ♪

1449
01:44:47,480 --> 01:44:54,440
♪ We'd dance around
And we would fall to the ground ♪

1450
01:44:58,040 --> 01:45:04,720
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

1451
01:45:04,800 --> 01:45:09,080
♪ Remember when ♪

1452
01:45:14,720 --> 01:45:21,120
♪ Today will be a memory ♪

1453
01:45:21,200 --> 01:45:27,640
♪ The same way we're remembering ♪

1454
01:45:31,800 --> 01:45:35,320
♪ And I will see ♪

1455
01:45:35,400 --> 01:45:38,080
♪ And I will see the seasons
Come and go... ♪

1456
01:45:38,160 --> 01:45:40,040
I'm about to break the fourth wall.

1457
01:45:41,560 --> 01:45:44,480
♪ The way the time unfolds... ♪

1458
01:45:44,560 --> 01:45:46,800
Pippa, do you wanna
break the fourth wall with me?

1459
01:45:47,960 --> 01:45:49,360
It's not for everyone.

1460
01:45:50,120 --> 01:45:53,480
♪ And I will fly, and I will fly away ♪

1461
01:45:53,560 --> 01:45:58,480
♪ I'll fly away to paradise ♪

1462
01:45:58,560 --> 01:46:03,640
♪ The way the time unfolds
Watch my wings grow ♪

1463
01:46:09,000 --> 01:46:15,440
♪ Times are hard, but spirits high ♪

1464
01:46:15,520 --> 01:46:21,800
♪ A love that's strong
Unbreakable bonds ♪

1465
01:46:21,880 --> 01:46:28,200
♪ We've grown together in different ways ♪

1466
01:46:28,280 --> 01:46:34,560
♪ We think of you and how you'd say ♪

1467
01:46:34,640 --> 01:46:40,640
♪ Today will be a memory ♪

1468
01:46:40,720 --> 01:46:47,440
♪ The same way we're remembering ♪

1469
01:46:51,400 --> 01:46:54,800
♪ And I will see ♪

1470
01:46:54,880 --> 01:47:01,480
♪ And I will see the seasons come and go
They come and go ♪

1471
01:47:01,560 --> 01:47:04,960
♪ The way the time unfolds ♪

1472
01:47:05,040 --> 01:47:07,960
♪ Watch my wings grow ♪

1473
01:47:08,040 --> 01:47:10,680
♪ And I will fly ♪

1474
01:47:10,760 --> 01:47:17,240
♪ And I will fly away
I'll fly away to paradise ♪

1475
01:47:17,320 --> 01:47:20,920
♪ The way the time unfolds ♪

1476
01:47:21,000 --> 01:47:24,280
♪ Watch my wings grow ♪

1477
01:47:24,360 --> 01:47:27,160
♪ The way the time unfolds ♪

1478
01:47:27,240 --> 01:47:30,280
♪ Watch my wings grow ♪