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ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome Jeff Dunham!

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(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING)

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you very much.
Have a seat. Oh, my gosh.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it does
not get any better than this,

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right here at the Dolby
in Hollywood, California!

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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This is fantastic
and I...

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I have to tell you,
you know, this is right here,

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they have the Oscars,
the Academy Awards.

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Doesn't get any better
than that.

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This is fantastic,
and tonight we are here.

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Plenty of adult
beverages. Yes?

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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And a middle-aged guy
on stage,

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arguing with his dolls.

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It's a magical night,
ladies and gentlemen.

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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But I am a ventriloquist,
for those of you

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who might not have
figured that out yet.

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And people ask me all the time,
"Jeff, why this, as a career?"

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Well, I've never done
anything else.

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I taught myself ventriloquism
in the third grade,

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got a dummy,
and just kept practising.

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I didn't have any brothers
and sisters,

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so there was no one
there to tell me

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that what I was doing
was incredibly lame.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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And since I was adopted,

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I guess my parents
were like, "Not our fault. "

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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As a kid, I didn't know it was
weird to be a ventriloquist-

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But I got picked on for it.

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The good part was
the bullies didn't know

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who to stuff in the gym locker
first, me or the freaking doll-

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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As for my parents, they were
supportive of my hobby-

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But when I was a kid,
if I said something stupid,

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my father would go, "Stop
talking out of your butt- "

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Ironically, that could be
a whole new bit in my show.

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A little muffled voice,
"Let me out."

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I'm working on it.

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By the time junior high
rolled around,

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to make matters worse,

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not only was I
a ventriloquist,

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but I also chose
to play the trombone.

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Yep, the babes
were lined up for that.

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So, in school I had braces,

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I played the trombone,
and I carried around a dummy.

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Even the nerds were like,
"Dude, you can't sit with us."

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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I'm not kidding, the short'
school bus started picking me up

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simply 'cause the driver
figured he was supposed to.

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After I graduated
from college,

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I moved out to Los Angeles,
got married, had three girls,

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and because it was part
of our everyday lives,

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I guess my girls thought that what I
did for a living was not unusual-

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One day when my youngest daughter
was playing at a friend's house,

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she turned to the other kid
and goes,

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"Where are your
daddy's dolls?"

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

63
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True story.

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But my daughters
are now young women,

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I'm remarried, I'm the
luckiest guy on the planet

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to have my wife, Audrey.

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When we got married, I knew I
came with a lot of baggage-

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There's an ex-wife, three
daughters, six talking dummies---

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Try putting that
on your Match.com profile.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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But we're here tonight

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because my act
has taken me places

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I'd never thought possible.

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We've done shows in South Africa,
Abu Dhabi, Israel, Malaysia

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and places where they can
barely speak English.

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Like France
and southern California.

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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But they even
want me in China.

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Heck, yeah, I'll go to China.

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And then I can see the factory where small
children make my Jeff Dunham merchandise-

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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(AUDIENCE SHOUTING AND BOOING)

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Oh, like Santa Claus
is any freaking different.

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But I'm kidding, all of my
merchandise is made right here

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<i>in the good o!' US ofA-</i>

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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Including the little
stickers on the back

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that say, "Made in China."

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But...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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You guys ready for the
little people in the boxes?

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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The first guy
I would like to introduce,

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I think audiences like

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because everyone knows
someone like this.

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You know somebody like this in your
own family, or where you work-

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Please help me welcome
my old friend, Walter.

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(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING)

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Shut the hell up.

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Walter, they like you.

100
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Only 'cause they were drunk
before they got here.

101
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Aren't you happy
to be here?

102
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Not exactly.
Why not?

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This town is too freaking
bizarre for me.

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Why do you say that?

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On my way in here tonight, I saw
Aquaman on Hollywood Boulevard-

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What the hell?

107
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Why would Aquaman
be on Hollywood Boulevard?

108
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Well, there's a drought,
I guess he's homeless.

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(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

111
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You know, Walter, there are a lot of
things to like about Los Angeles-

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Like what?
Traffic from hell.

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Highest gas prices
in the country.

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Wildfires.

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Mudslides
and earthquakes, yay!

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I love it here!

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Dumb ass.

118
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You ever been
in an earthquake?

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Uh, does my wife falling off
of the couch count?

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"What the...
Oh, it's you. All right."

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Why are you
in a bad mood already?

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Well, do you know what it's
like to wake up and discover

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that your wife of 45 years has
left and isn't coming back?

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No, I don't.
Yeah. Me neither.

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<i>But I can dream,
can't I?</i>

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

127
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Is it really that bad?
Yes.

128
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The other day, before her birthday,
she started yelling at me,

129
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"Tomorrow, I'd better
see a diamond."

130
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Oh, a diamond.
What'd you do?

131
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I took her
to a baseball game.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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So, does your wife
like Hollywood?

134
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Yeah, but she thinks
it's crazy

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how many folks in this
town get plastic surgery.

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Oh. She wouldn't do that?
Why?

137
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Why not?
Come on.

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Putting new headlights
on a minivan

139
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doesn't make it
a Corvette.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

141
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Yeah, these guys know
what I'm talking about.

142
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And the women who get those
fake, giant whoo-haws,

143
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they don't want you
to miss them either.

144
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How's that? If you look
those women in the eye

145
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when you're talking to them,
they get all pissed off

146
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and they go, "Hey,
my boobs are down here."

147
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I bet your wife likes
at least a few things in LA.

148
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Like what? I don't know, The
Kardashians are filmed here-

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(GAGS)

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(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING)

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I'm sorry, I threw up
in my mouth a little.

152
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Kardashians. Hey!

153
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Who the hell's that new tall chick?
She's kind of hot-

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

155
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Did I miss something?
Yeah, I think so.

156
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What the hell
are you laughing at?

157
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Walter, that's Caitlyn.
Who the hell is Caitlyn?

158
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Oh! Bruce has a sister?
No.

159
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,785
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

160
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What the hell
is so funny?

161
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What, is she available?

162
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No, I don't know.

163
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Like, what does
your wife watch on TV?

164
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I don't care.

165
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<i>Are you guys haPPY?</i>

166
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Look at me.

167
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Well, you still love her.

168
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Yeah, of course,
but like most marriages,

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we have been through some
difficult times- Sure-

170
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But we stayed together
because of the children.

171
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Oh, you say your children
saved your marriage?

172
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah.

173
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Bastards.

174
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Well, admittedly, a good
marriage can be hard work-

175
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Yeah, I know, I know,
I know, I know it can, yeah.

176
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We went to a marriage
therapist one time.

177
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Just once?
It was a therapist.

178
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You didn't like
the therapist?

179
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Oh, no, he seemed
like a good guy,

180
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but after listening to my
wife talk for 10 minutes,

181
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he jumped out the window.

182
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Seriously?
Absolutely.

183
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,043
And if it wasn't for the
leash around my nuts,

184
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,298
I would've
followed the guy.

185
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,220
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

186
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,507
(YELPING)

187
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It was a choke collar.
All right.

188
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,892
Look, Walter, I know for a fact
that you love your family,

189
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you still love your wife,

190
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,311
and I think that
even at this age,

191
00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:21,687
every once in a while

192
00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:23,864
you should still try and be
romantic with your wife-

193
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,361
Good lord.

194
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,613
Like how?

195
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,285
I don't know, do you
ever speak to your wife

196
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,828
in a foreign language,
like in French?

197
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:31,905
Some women love that.

198
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,161
I call her a French name
now and then.

199
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:36,330
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

200
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,370
Mon cherie.
Quasimodo.

201
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,504
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

202
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:42,999
So, is there romance
between you two?

203
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,428
Well, not long ago, my wife
left a trail of rose petals

204
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:47,846
on the floor for me.
Oh.

205
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:48,968
Into the bedroom?

206
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,173
Right out the front door.

207
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,013
You know, there are plenty of
romantic places in this country

208
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,849
you could go for
a special time together.

209
00:09:58,932 --> 00:09:59,979
Like where?

210
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,189
Top of the Empire State Building-
Oh, no, we tried that-

211
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,521
A security guard took one
look at her and went, "Uh-oh-

212
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,696
"King Kong is back!"

213
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:09,450
See, just like that.

214
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,073
You've been married
for over 45 years.

215
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,450
Have you ever said anything to your
wife that you truly regretted?

216
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:14,702
Oh, yeah.
"Will you marry me?",

217
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,161
"I love you,"
shit like that.

218
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:22,960
Come on, when your wife
is a romantic mood,

219
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,337
do you ever think about taking
one of those little pills?

220
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,553
Cyanide? Oh, yeah.
I do actually.

221
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,640
Come on, what does your wife put on
when she's feeling frisky at bedtime?

222
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,266
Night vision goggles.

223
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:43,686
Then she sneaks around the
house and hunts my ass down-

224
00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:46,112
It is scary stuff,
my friends.

225
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,608
When was the last time you even
put your arms around your wife?

226
00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:53,366
A couple of weeks ago when she
was choking on a piece of steak-

227
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:54,821
You see, there you
gave her the Heimlich.

228
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,076
Yeah, I know,
I was drunk.

229
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,783
I don't know
what I was thinking.

230
00:10:58,408 --> 00:10:59,785
I was so close.

231
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,837
Maybe you could do
something simple,

232
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,129
like watching
a movie together.

233
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,924
Oh, no, every time we watch
a movie, she falls asleep-

234
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,669
And the next morning I have
to drive back to the theatre

235
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,095
to pick her up
and bring her home.

236
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:17,014
Have you done anything fun
in town here this week?

237
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,310
You know I don't
like getting out.

238
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,763
Oh, you're a little bit
of a hypochondriac.

239
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,689
Yeah, why don't you wear
one of those paper masks?

240
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:24,017
Why, it's paper,
it can't stop anything.

241
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,228
I mean hell,
the Constitution is paper,

242
00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:28,780
and it's never stopped
our current administration.

243
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:31,115
(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

244
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:40,454
Just trying to get a read
on the crowd tonight.

245
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,956
So I take it you're not exactly happy
with our government right now?

246
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:50,169
Are you kidding me? Congress's
approval rating is at 12%-

247
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,800
Jock itch has a higher
rating than that-

248
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:57,137
So you paying attention to
the presidential candidates?

249
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,352
Oh, yeah- How would you feel
about a female president?

250
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,267
Oh! Fine with me.

251
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:04,646
Just whoever it is, make sure
it's after she hits menopause.

252
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,439
Walter.
What?

253
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:09,316
I was there when my wife
went through it.

254
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,989
If she had been President
then, holy crap!

255
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,701
"I'm hot, I'm cold,
I'm sweaty! I'm clammy!

256
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:17,820
"Fuck you, Russia.
Launch the missiles!"

257
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,912
I'm sorry.

258
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,545
You realize you just offended
about half the room here?

259
00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:30,921
Yeah, and the other half is
trying not to look at their wives

260
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,593
and going, "Yeah,
he's got a point."

261
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:39,680
So, you told me
you've been

262
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:40,760
getting on the computer
a lot lately.

263
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,141
Oh, yeah- I've been getting
on Facebook- (LAUGHS)

264
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:44,723
What?
You get on Facebook?

265
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:45,973
Yeah- What do you
do on Facebook?

266
00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:48,936
I like getting on there and
defriending everybody possible-

267
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:51,358
Why?
Just so they'll wonder

268
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:52,943
what the hell
they did wrong.

269
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,608
It's funny as hell.

270
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,363
That's not nice.

271
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:58,578
I know. If it was nice,
it wouldn't be funny as hell.

272
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,373
I did actually lose a friend
on Facebook the other day

273
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,284
without defriending him.
How's that?

274
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,211
Well, an old buddy of mine
posted that his wife died.

275
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,875
Oh.
I clicked "like ".

276
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:10,916
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

277
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,885
Then I posted, "Mine's still alive.
Sad face- "

278
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:22,807
So you're getting
into social networking?

279
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,762
Yeah, a little bit. You know
what I don't understand

280
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:28,566
is why young couples today
keep nude photos of themselves

281
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,064
on their phones and then
text them to each other.

282
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:32,357
What the hell?

283
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,314
When I was young
and dating my wife,

284
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:36,024
I never thought,
"She's so beautiful.

285
00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:38,360
"I'm going to marry her. But
first I'm going to send her

286
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:39,740
"this picture of my balls. "

287
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,745
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

288
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,368
What?

289
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,087
People ask me all the time
if my show is family friendly.

290
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,415
What am I supposed
to say now?

291
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,837
<i>(WHISPERS)
It depends on your family.</i>

292
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,090
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

293
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:05,561
Well, since
you've gone there,

294
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,479
do you and your wife
have a decent love life?

295
00:14:07,597 --> 00:14:09,770
Oh, she does things
to mix it up now and then.

296
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,692
Really? Yeah, she bought
a pair of handcuffs-

297
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:12,985
Really?
Yeah.

298
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,563
Like I needed
another reminder

299
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:16,113
that I'm serving
a life sentence.

300
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:20,197
Handcuffs at our age,
that's like

301
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,028
Fifty Shades of Old and Gray.

302
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:26,620
So, is there good communication
between you two?

303
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,121
I guess.
The other night she said,

304
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,626
"Your lips say no,
but your eyes say yes."

305
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,840
What'd you say?
"I have glaucoma."

306
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,095
So how's the actual love life?
You mean sex?

307
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,797
Yes.
It's always doggy style.

308
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,094
Walter.

309
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,096
Yep, she rolls over
and plays dead.

310
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,232
Then I just lick myself
and go to sleep-

311
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:53,355
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

312
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,521
I'm sorry.

313
00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,406
Walter.

314
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:01,450
Come on,
good comedy to me

315
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,154
can paint vivid pictures
in everybody's heads.

316
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,330
That was a fucking Van Gogh.

317
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,659
Yes, it was.
Say goodnight, Walter.

318
00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,000
Thanks, everybody!

319
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,165
That's all...

320
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,996
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

321
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,010
All right.

322
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,475
Thank you.

323
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:38,564
Well, behind me you see something
that hints at the next guy.

324
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:41,149
He's from somewhere down
south- He's a good 0/' boy.

325
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,735
Please help me welcome
my buddy, Bubba J.

326
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,828
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

327
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,702
(BUBBA LAUGHING)

328
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:56,506
How you doing, Bubba J?
I'm doing pretty good!

329
00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,125
So, what's been
going on lately?

330
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:03,304
Well, uh, last week
I went to another NASCAR race

331
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,553
and got pretty hammered.
(LAUG HS)

332
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,842
Drunk again ?
Oh.

333
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,894
No, it's the same drunk,
I just keep extending it.

334
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:15,438
Yeah, if you're not drinking
at a NASCAR race,

335
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:17,981
you're not at a NASCAR race.

336
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,981
Where are you?
You're at golf.

337
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,734
Well, Bubba J,
do you drink excessively?

338
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,239
(LAUGHS)

339
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,197
I don't know
what that word means.

340
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:32,499
What's the longest you've
ever gone without a beer?

341
00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:34,077
How long have I
been out here?

342
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,582
Less than a minute.
There you go.

343
00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:38,707
Do you know
your drinking limits?

344
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,922
Uh, daily or lifetime?

345
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:45,426
How can you tell someone's
lifetime limit on drinking beer?

346
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:48,554
Well, if they die when they're
drinking, that was it-

347
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,972
What I meant was, do
you know how much beer

348
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,523
you could have before
you've had too much?

349
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,771
(GAS PS) I could have
too much beer?

350
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,899
Sure.
That would be fantastic.

351
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,362
Have you ever drank as
much as you wanted? Yeah-

352
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,240
What happened? (LAU G H
S) You looked pretty.

353
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,321
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

354
00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:16,418
Can't you have fun
without beer?

355
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,838
Yeah, but why risk it?
I don't know.

356
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:22,008
Would you rather drink beer out
of a can, a bottle, or on tap?

357
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,967
Uh, yes, yes,
and yes.

358
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,639
Just remember, Bubba J,
you should never drink alone.

359
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:30,383
(LAUGHS) You're not
fooling anybody.

360
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:31,843
That's why you have us.

361
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:33,894
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

362
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,610
So your favourite time to
drink is at sporting events?

363
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:47,784
Uh, yes, sporting events,
yeah. It's good, yeah.

364
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,326
Do you drink beer
every day?

365
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:52,037
Uh, only on my days off.
Oh.

366
00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:54,491
You don't have a job.
Ta-da!

367
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,830
My favourite holiday to get
drunk on is St- Patrick's Day.

368
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,539
Oh.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

369
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,169
Oh!

370
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,047
There's all the Germans.
Right.

371
00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:08,421
I didn't know
you were Irish.

372
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,973
I'm not- I also get
drunk on Cinco de Mayo

373
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:13,096
and Martin Luther
King Day,

374
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,678
and I'm not Mexican
or black- Oh, okay.

375
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,228
(WHISPERING) Oh, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.

376
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,856
What? I don't want anybody
thinking I'm racist-

377
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,320
Why would anyone
think you're racist?

378
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:26,193
Because I said "Mexican".

379
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:32,203
And I also said "black",
sorry about that. Sorry.

380
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,373
Bubba J, it's okay to say
"Mexican" and "black".

381
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,784
It is?
Sure.

382
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:39,835
Why, 'cause everybody
here is white?

383
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:42,500
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

384
00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:50,005
No, it's just okay
to use those words.

385
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,091
Okay. Well, thanks
for keeping me real, cracker.

386
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,225
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

387
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,971
Oh, wait a minute.
No, no.

388
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,558
You're a saltine American.
(LAUGHING)

389
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,107
So, Bubba J, you know we're
right here in Hollywood-

390
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,353
Oh yeah.
Sure.

391
00:19:06,437 --> 00:19:08,565
What do you think of LA?
Oh, I don't like it.

392
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,316
You don't like LA?

393
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:12,781
Oh, I thought you
said "AA (LAUGHING)

394
00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:17,661
I like LA and I love beer.
That's good-

395
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,583
But I got to do something
about my gut.

396
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,002
Oh, you're going to
start working out?

397
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:23,337
No, I'm going to
get a bigger shirt.

398
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:27,375
Somebody told me
that to stay in shape,

399
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:28,675
I should get a trainer.

400
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,003
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I did it.

401
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,178
Yeah- You did? How's that going?

402
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:34,507
<i>Pretty good. So far I can sit
and shake and roll over.</i>

403
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:37,927
And then I get a cookie.

404
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:41,355
So what else do you
know about LA?

405
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:45,105
Uh, the bad traffic here
reminds me of marriage.

406
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,481
How's that?

407
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,855
You're stuck in it because
there was an accident-

408
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:49,939
(LAUGHS)

409
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,955
Walter told me
to tell that one.

410
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,452
That's a good one, isn't it?

411
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,872
Here's another one Walter told
me, you want to hear this?

412
00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:06,582
Getting married is like
your iTunes agreement-

413
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:07,794
How's that?

414
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,126
You have no idea
what you're saying yes to,

415
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,462
but you'll agree just so
it'll shut the hell up-

416
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,466
So, you've been
to Disneyland?

417
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:19,343
Oh, I love Disneyland.

418
00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:20,474
Did you...
Yeah...

419
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,229
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

420
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,600
Did you see
"it's a Small World"?

421
00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:28,311
Is that the one
where you go on a date

422
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:30,067
and it turns out
she's your cousin,

423
00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:31,489
and you go,
"Ooh, small world"?

424
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:37,907
Been there,
done that.

425
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,121
Hey, did you know they now
sell beer at Disneyland?

426
00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:44,293
I did know that- How
old do you have to be

427
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:45,585
to, uh, drink beer
at Disneyland?

428
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:47,129
Oh, no, everything
goes by height.

429
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,541
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

430
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,505
So you got drunk
at Disneyland?

431
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,883
<i>No. I stayed drunk
at Disneyland-</i>

432
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:57,263
Bubba J,
that's not good.

433
00:20:57,339 --> 00:20:58,386
I know, it was bad.

434
00:20:58,466 --> 00:21:01,094
At the arcade, I thought
we were really hunting

435
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:02,645
and I shot Donald Duck.

436
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:05,731
He had a big one
in the suit,

437
00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:07,524
now he walks
a little goofy.

438
00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:09,860
(LAUGHS) Get it?
Goofy!

439
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,107
Hey, did you know
that here in LA, last week,

440
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:17,319
some guy tried to sell me
a map to the stars?

441
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:20,447
Oh, did you get it? No, I went,
"Duh, buddy. Just look up- "

442
00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:22,907
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

443
00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:29,167
So, Bubba J, when we're
in southern California,

444
00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:30,498
are you ever worried
about earthquakes?

445
00:21:30,581 --> 00:21:32,709
No, I'm used to it,
the ground is always moving

446
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:33,793
when you're hammered.

447
00:21:36,212 --> 00:21:38,590
If it stops suddenly,
that's when I fall down.

448
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,885
Hey, do they have
Wal-Marts in Los Angeles?

449
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,557
Sure, you like Wal-Mart?
Oh, yeah.

450
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,097
It's so convenient.

451
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:49,650
Where else can you get...
(STUTTERS)

452
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:54,901
(WHISPERS) Sorry,
I screwed up the joke.

453
00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:56,987
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

454
00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:00,448
Sorry.

455
00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:02,576
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

456
00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:11,497
Wait a minute,
you screwed up the joke!

457
00:22:17,253 --> 00:22:20,097
Don't make me say
what I did, you did,

458
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:22,675
and then make it
your fault, my fault,

459
00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:24,431
my brain hurts now.

460
00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:27,437
What were you
trying to ask?

461
00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:29,982
No, what were you trying
to make me ask?

462
00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:33,103
I didn't screw this up,
you did.

463
00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:36,106
I may be dumb,
but you're helping me.

464
00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:38,240
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

465
00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:43,279
All right.

466
00:22:45,114 --> 00:22:47,867
You want to try
that joke again- Huh?

467
00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:49,577
You, you want to
try the joke again?

468
00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,412
You mean from the start?

469
00:22:52,288 --> 00:22:53,756
Sure, just, just to
get it right.

470
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:56,592
Duh, redo the whole joke?
Yeah.

471
00:22:57,751 --> 00:22:59,128
Uh... Okay.

472
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:03,049
Okay, all right.

473
00:23:03,132 --> 00:23:04,759
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

474
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:17,529
Okay. Okay-

475
00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:19,107
Okay, 0K8)',
okay, Okay-

476
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:20,816
Oh, yeah.

477
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:21,901
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:
Wal-Mart!

478
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,325
What's my first line?

479
00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:29,826
Do they have
Wal-Marts in Los...

480
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,126
Okay, I got it,
okay.

481
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,669
Do they have the
Wal-Marts, okay, okay.

482
00:23:33,537 --> 00:23:35,130
This is like acting.
Yes.

483
00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:39,209
Okay. Take two.

484
00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:46,012
<i>Hey, Jeff!</i>

485
00:23:51,722 --> 00:23:52,723
Yes, Bubba J?

486
00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:54,312
Oh, that was
really natural.

487
00:23:54,391 --> 00:23:55,813
You're good,
that was good, okay.

488
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:02,779
(LOUDLY) Hey, do they have
Wal-Marts in Los Angeles?

489
00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:04,656
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

490
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:12,122
(WHISPERS) Hurry up, you're
fucking up the timing.

491
00:24:12,201 --> 00:24:13,874
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

492
00:24:22,962 --> 00:24:23,963
(LAUGHS)

493
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:29,097
Yes, they do have
Wal-Marts in Los Angeles.

494
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:30,761
(LAUGHS)

495
00:24:32,346 --> 00:24:34,895
Don't laugh when I talk,
it fucks the whole thing up.

496
00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:42,147
You like Wal-Marts?

497
00:24:42,231 --> 00:24:44,575
Yes. It's so convenient!

498
00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:48,870
<i>Where else can you get
Cheez-Its, tampons,</i>

499
00:24:48,946 --> 00:24:51,745
and a canoe,
all in the same place?

500
00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:53,417
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

501
00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:07,256
And now back to our
regularly scheduled show.

502
00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:13,016
Hey, Mr. D, why are we on
stage like this all the time?

503
00:25:13,262 --> 00:25:14,514
This is my job.
What is?

504
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:15,939
This is.
(LAUGHS)

505
00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:19,193
To stand here and talk to everybody?
That's right-

506
00:25:19,268 --> 00:25:20,895
That's your job?
Yeah.

507
00:25:21,270 --> 00:25:24,570
Don't exactly need a college
education for this, do you?

508
00:25:25,399 --> 00:25:26,946
Well, I graduated
from college.

509
00:25:27,026 --> 00:25:28,573
Oh, and now you do this?
That's right-

510
00:25:28,736 --> 00:25:30,830
Well, that was a big ass
waste of money, wasn't it?

511
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:32,702
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

512
00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:37,290
You need more education to
boil an egg than you do this-

513
00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:39,626
Hey, can you boil an egg? Yeah-

514
00:25:39,747 --> 00:25:42,296
Well, there you go, you got
something to fall back on-

515
00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:45,336
Hey, I forgot
to tell you,

516
00:25:45,419 --> 00:25:47,763
Walter told me
I should get on Titter.

517
00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:50,679
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

518
00:25:53,802 --> 00:25:54,803
Twitter.

519
00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:57,522
Oh. Well, that doesn't
sound as fun, does it?

520
00:25:59,266 --> 00:26:02,440
Hey, you know what the hardest
part is about the Internet for me?

521
00:26:02,519 --> 00:26:04,738
What? Remembering
all the passwords-

522
00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:05,905
Oh, well,
keep it simple.

523
00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:07,449
Just use the name
of someone you love.

524
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:09,743
My dog? Sure, what's
your dog's name?

525
00:26:10,069 --> 00:26:11,070
DOQ-

526
00:26:12,488 --> 00:26:13,580
Your dog's name
is Dog?

527
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,283
Actually it's "Doug",
but the "U" is silent.

528
00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:20,375
It's Italian.

529
00:26:23,791 --> 00:26:25,168
Bubba J,
have you tweeted?

530
00:26:25,751 --> 00:26:27,424
Oh, yeah,
sorry about that.

531
00:26:27,795 --> 00:26:29,672
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

532
00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:38,564
It's a big room,
I didn't know you'd know.

533
00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:41,938
I usually blame
that on Doug.

534
00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:46,652
Hey, somebody told me
they saw me on the Internet.

535
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:48,482
Oh, have you
googled yourself?

536
00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:49,862
(LAUGHS)

537
00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:53,699
Not in public.

538
00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,283
And not a lot.
Okay.

539
00:26:57,741 --> 00:26:59,038
I can still see.

540
00:27:00,369 --> 00:27:02,167
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

541
00:27:04,832 --> 00:27:06,709
So I take it you grew
up in a small town?

542
00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:08,510
Yeah, pretty small.
How small?

543
00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:10,258
Well, we didn't have
the street lights,

544
00:27:10,337 --> 00:27:12,556
so the hookers
stood under a flash light.

545
00:27:14,508 --> 00:27:17,057
I called her Ever Ready.
(LAUGHS)

546
00:27:18,679 --> 00:27:20,556
You know, Walter and I were
talking about our government-

547
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:22,107
Yeah. Do you pay
attention to politics?

548
00:27:22,182 --> 00:27:24,731
Oh, yeah- I pay attention, yeah,
politics, yeah, sure. Sure do, okay-

549
00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:28,151
Okay, can I ask you your opinion
on some current issues?

550
00:27:28,272 --> 00:27:30,240
Oh, yeah, current issues,
okay, right, right.

551
00:27:30,566 --> 00:27:32,739
Let's talk about some things
you might be familiar with.

552
00:27:32,818 --> 00:27:34,286
Okay, for example,
Bubba J,

553
00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:36,409
what is your feeling
on gun control?

554
00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:39,408
Oh, I know this one.

555
00:27:39,575 --> 00:27:41,373
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

556
00:27:45,789 --> 00:27:49,589
Oh, yeah, if you're drunk and
seeing double, shoot in the middle-

557
00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:51,132
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

558
00:27:59,553 --> 00:28:02,022
So what do you think
about taxing the 1%?

559
00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:04,316
Oh, I don't know,
I drink whole milk.

560
00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:10,488
Are you familiar with the term
No Child Left Behind?

561
00:28:10,731 --> 00:28:13,575
I think the movie's actually
called Home Alone.

562
00:28:16,570 --> 00:28:18,789
So, what do you think about
immigration reform?

563
00:28:19,781 --> 00:28:23,957
Is it bad for me to say I'm kind
of on the fence on this one?

564
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:32,510
All right, what do you think
about the Clintons?

565
00:28:32,586 --> 00:28:35,180
My wife says
I can never find it.

566
00:28:35,297 --> 00:28:36,640
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

567
00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:48,394
No, Hillary Clinton.

568
00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:50,987
It has a first name?

569
00:28:56,693 --> 00:29:00,072
I always thought the full
name sounded like a dinosaur.

570
00:29:01,365 --> 00:29:02,787
Clintonsaurus.

571
00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:06,787
Either way, it's fossilized.
(LA U G H S)

572
00:29:13,543 --> 00:29:15,545
How would you feel
about a woman President?

573
00:29:15,796 --> 00:29:16,968
Oh, no.

574
00:29:17,047 --> 00:29:20,017
Does Obama want
to become a woman, too?

575
00:29:20,133 --> 00:29:21,851
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

576
00:29:27,724 --> 00:29:29,772
I'm all for a woman
President,

577
00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:32,274
just so long as she doesn't
start all her speeches with,

578
00:29:32,354 --> 00:29:34,356
"Where the hell
were you last night?"

579
00:29:37,526 --> 00:29:40,279
But I heard it could be Hillary
against Jeb.

580
00:29:40,362 --> 00:29:43,286
That's right- Either way, we are going
to have a bush in the White House-

581
00:29:43,365 --> 00:29:44,742
(LAUGHING)

582
00:29:45,534 --> 00:29:46,581
Yeah!

583
00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:47,661
I'm sorry.

584
00:29:48,328 --> 00:29:49,329
BU BBAI Bush!

585
00:29:50,706 --> 00:29:52,003
You get it?
Yeah.

586
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:54,923
Unless she goes
to Brazil.

587
00:29:55,002 --> 00:29:56,174
Will you stop?

588
00:29:58,088 --> 00:30:01,342
Get it? 'Cause there's no
bush in Brazil- I got it-

589
00:30:07,306 --> 00:30:09,400
I do some of these
just for me, you know, so...

590
00:30:11,435 --> 00:30:14,564
So another big issue, I'm afraid
to even ask this one, um---

591
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:16,364
(CLEARS THROAT) How do
you feel about fracking?

592
00:30:22,738 --> 00:30:26,333
Me and the wife are down to
about once a month.

593
00:30:27,034 --> 00:30:30,004
No, I'm talking about drilling
into a hole and hitting gas-

594
00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:31,580
Yeah, so am I.

595
00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:33,381
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

596
00:30:33,457 --> 00:30:34,674
Say goodnight,
Bubba J.

597
00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:36,752
Night, everybody!
That's Bubba J!

598
00:30:37,753 --> 00:30:39,471
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

599
00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:51,266
All right.

600
00:30:55,437 --> 00:30:56,780
Before we get started,

601
00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:58,152
something that has been
bugging me,

602
00:30:58,231 --> 00:31:00,108
you know, I travel
all over the world

603
00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:02,445
with industrial strength
humidifiers for my voice.

604
00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:04,571
I come to Hollywood,
big show like this,

605
00:31:04,654 --> 00:31:06,452
and what do they get me,
not the industrial strength,

606
00:31:06,531 --> 00:31:08,954
no, they give me
the Hello Kitty humidifier.

607
00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:11,286
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

608
00:31:15,082 --> 00:31:17,210
Great, thanks guys,
it's fabulous.

609
00:31:18,627 --> 00:31:20,721
So if I run out of voice
tonight, it's their damn fault.

610
00:31:22,631 --> 00:31:24,679
(CLEARS THROAT) In the
early days of television,

611
00:31:24,758 --> 00:31:27,261
commercials were done live
in front of studio audiences.

612
00:31:27,344 --> 00:31:31,474
Well, just like back then, I get to do
my own commercial for you, right now.

613
00:31:31,598 --> 00:31:32,941
For something
that I am selling.

614
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:34,313
Ready?

615
00:31:35,268 --> 00:31:36,690
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

616
00:31:36,770 --> 00:31:39,148
It's the Little Jeff
ventriloquist dummy!

617
00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:41,324
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

618
00:31:46,363 --> 00:31:49,663
So, let me show you how a professional
ventriloquist dummy works, all right?

619
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:52,085
So in the box, this is more
than just a dummy in the box,

620
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,413
it's a full circle program that
I have, uh, come up with here,

621
00:31:54,496 --> 00:31:55,543
you also get a DVD.

622
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:57,374
On the DVD are me and all
the guys from my shop,

623
00:31:57,833 --> 00:31:59,335
teaching how
to do ventriloquism,

624
00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:01,928
anybody can learn to do it,
just takes some practice.

625
00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:03,676
Along with that DVD
comes a book,

626
00:32:03,755 --> 00:32:05,428
it's all the same lessons
in written form,

627
00:32:05,507 --> 00:32:07,430
and then, of course, there's
Little Jeff in the box,

628
00:32:07,509 --> 00:32:08,977
and also, uh,
when you get Little Jeff,

629
00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:12,272
you'll also notice there's a
big plastic bag over his head-

630
00:32:12,347 --> 00:32:15,100
Um, I learned that taking
care of my own kids-

631
00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:16,943
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

632
00:32:17,686 --> 00:32:19,438
Oh, it's great, it slows
them down just enough,

633
00:32:19,521 --> 00:32:21,023
it's pretty great.
So, um...

634
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,784
But let me show you how a professional
ventriloquist dummy works-

635
00:32:23,859 --> 00:32:25,827
This will be a little
disconcerting for some people,

636
00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:27,154
but you pull
the head off.

637
00:32:28,405 --> 00:32:30,624
And the body on a professional
ventriloquist dummy

638
00:32:30,699 --> 00:32:33,293
is usually hollow, there's nothing
inside that chest cavity.

639
00:32:33,368 --> 00:32:34,995
But in the top of the
shoulders is a hole

640
00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:37,422
and inside that hole goes
what's called the control stick

641
00:32:37,497 --> 00:32:38,498
or the head stick.

642
00:32:38,582 --> 00:32:40,300
And on that head stick
are the various controls

643
00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:42,423
to move the different movements
on the dummy's face-

644
00:32:42,502 --> 00:32:44,630
This one does the mouth,
this one does the eyes.

645
00:32:44,713 --> 00:32:46,841
You put them all together,
you can bring him to life.

646
00:32:47,007 --> 00:32:48,634
As for the voice
for Little Jeff,

647
00:32:48,717 --> 00:32:50,765
in one of my earlier acts,
way back when,

648
00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:52,016
Peanut, one of my
other characters,

649
00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:54,097
he had a Little Jeff
and he did a show with him.

650
00:32:54,181 --> 00:32:55,808
He had his voice
for Little Jeff,

651
00:32:55,891 --> 00:32:57,814
but I have to come up
with my own voice for him.

652
00:32:57,893 --> 00:33:00,396
Because I can't do the same
voices that Peanut does-

653
00:33:01,605 --> 00:33:03,607
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

654
00:33:04,441 --> 00:33:05,909
Thank you
for getting that joke.

655
00:33:07,277 --> 00:33:08,995
I promise you there have
been a handful of audiences

656
00:33:09,070 --> 00:33:10,367
I've done that joke,
and they don't get it.

657
00:33:11,865 --> 00:33:13,082
They sit there and look at
each other and go,

658
00:33:13,158 --> 00:33:16,332
"Oh, yeah, you can't do the same voice
Peanut can. Can't do it, so--- "

659
00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:22,585
How you doing, Little Jeff?
Uh, doing fine-

660
00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:25,887
So here we are at the Dolby
Theater in Hollywood,

661
00:33:25,962 --> 00:33:27,509
and I know I'm supposed
to come up here

662
00:33:27,589 --> 00:33:29,683
and talk to all
the nice folks.

663
00:33:29,758 --> 00:33:33,808
VVh y is there a little Hello
Kitty on the freaking stage?

664
00:33:34,763 --> 00:33:36,606
Well, it's kind of covered up,
but that's my humidifier.

665
00:33:37,516 --> 00:33:38,517
(HIGH-PITCHED) Ah!

666
00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:43,857
For Little Jeffy's voice-
(IMITATES BABY CRYING)

667
00:33:43,939 --> 00:33:46,533
Oh, you're getting pissed
now- That's funny as hell-

668
00:33:46,608 --> 00:33:48,155
You realize you're
getting pissed at yourself.

669
00:33:49,528 --> 00:33:52,202
I know you're getting pissed,
I can see it in my eyes.

670
00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:55,496
So why am I here?
I want you to demonstrate.

671
00:33:55,575 --> 00:33:57,122
Demonstrate what?
What you can do.

672
00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:58,662
Oh great, ya y,
fantastic.

673
00:33:58,745 --> 00:34:00,042
This is so much fun,
okay, here we go,

674
00:34:00,121 --> 00:34:01,623
watch closely,
it goes by fast.

675
00:34:01,748 --> 00:34:05,343
Ready, here we go.
Mouth, ah-ah-la-la-la.

676
00:34:05,418 --> 00:34:07,841
Eyes, mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm.

677
00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:09,764
Head. Mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm.

678
00:34:09,839 --> 00:34:11,591
There, am I fucking done? Hey!

679
00:34:13,843 --> 00:34:15,595
I'm sorry. What,
what do I got to do?

680
00:34:15,679 --> 00:34:16,680
I know what
you're going to do,

681
00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:18,356
you're going to demonstrate me,
then put me back in a box,

682
00:34:18,431 --> 00:34:19,603
and sell my ass.

683
00:34:19,683 --> 00:34:21,310
This sucks!

684
00:34:22,018 --> 00:34:23,190
How much am I?

685
00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:24,904
What? What? What
do you mean, what?

686
00:34:24,980 --> 00:34:26,232
Why the hell
did you say that?

687
00:34:26,314 --> 00:34:27,691
You freaking made me say it,
don't say "what".

688
00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:28,821
We all know it's fake.
Fine.

689
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:29,901
Fine.
How much am I?

690
00:34:29,985 --> 00:34:31,407
95 bucks.

691
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:32,908
95 bucks!

692
00:34:33,113 --> 00:34:34,205
For this?

693
00:34:35,323 --> 00:34:36,825
What a rip-off!

694
00:34:37,492 --> 00:34:38,584
Well, there's more
in the box.

695
00:34:38,660 --> 00:34:40,662
Oh, now it's like
a freaking infomercial.

696
00:34:40,745 --> 00:34:42,497
(GASPS) "There's more?

697
00:34:44,499 --> 00:34:47,173
"Jeff, how could there
possibly be more?

698
00:34:47,252 --> 00:34:49,550
"We don't know
how you do this.

699
00:34:53,049 --> 00:34:56,019
"What else is
in the box, Jeff?"

700
00:34:58,096 --> 00:35:00,770
Well, besides you in the
box, there's a DVD- Of what?

701
00:35:00,849 --> 00:35:02,943
Lessons in ventriloquism. VVh y?

702
00:35:03,018 --> 00:35:04,770
Well, if somebody
purchases Little Jeff,

703
00:35:04,853 --> 00:35:06,275
and they want to learn
ventriloquism,

704
00:35:06,354 --> 00:35:07,651
or if they have
a child at home.

705
00:35:07,731 --> 00:35:10,280
(GAS PS)
That's a great idea.

706
00:35:11,651 --> 00:35:14,905
Yeah, if you have a kid at home
who's a total social outcast,

707
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:18,791
sucks at sports,
girls won't talk to him,

708
00:35:18,867 --> 00:35:20,244
give him a fucking doll.

709
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,336
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

710
00:35:22,579 --> 00:35:23,580
I'm...

711
00:35:25,707 --> 00:35:27,209
Due to the included D VD,

712
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:28,968
he can teach himself
ventriloquism,

713
00:35:29,044 --> 00:35:31,467
then go to school
and do shows, yay!

714
00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:33,298
Then two months later,
free of charge,

715
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:36,225
they'll send you another
DVD on self-defense!

716
00:35:36,384 --> 00:35:37,761
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

717
00:35:38,053 --> 00:35:39,646
'Cause if he does
this crap at school,

718
00:35:39,721 --> 00:35:41,394
he's going to get
beat up a lot!

719
00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:44,062
Little too close to home
there, Jeffy?

720
00:35:44,851 --> 00:35:46,478
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

721
00:35:47,020 --> 00:35:49,489
(HIGH-PITCHED) "What else
is in the box, Jeff?"

722
00:35:49,564 --> 00:35:50,907
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

723
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:55,404
Well, only at the live shows like this
evening, when you purchase a Little Jeff,

724
00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:56,613
also inside the box,

725
00:35:56,696 --> 00:35:59,620
I've included an 8 x 1O
photograph of myself and Achmed

726
00:35:59,699 --> 00:36:00,951
that I've personally
autographed.

727
00:36:01,034 --> 00:36:02,035
(GASPS)

728
00:36:03,203 --> 00:36:04,580
(WHISPERING)
No one cares.

729
00:36:04,913 --> 00:36:06,586
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

730
00:36:11,961 --> 00:36:13,588
(WHISPERING)
Stop it, stop it.

731
00:36:13,672 --> 00:36:14,889
Stop it, come back.
Stop it.

732
00:36:15,256 --> 00:36:17,054
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

733
00:36:17,759 --> 00:36:21,184
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it.

734
00:36:22,514 --> 00:36:23,515
Stop m

735
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:38,367
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

736
00:36:43,952 --> 00:36:45,420
Come on, stop
touching me.

737
00:36:45,537 --> 00:36:46,584
What? Are you a fucking Catholic priest?

738
00:36:46,788 --> 00:36:47,880
Cut it out.

739
00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:50,633
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

740
00:37:01,302 --> 00:37:02,394
What the hell
is that?

741
00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:04,473
This is also
in the box.

742
00:37:06,266 --> 00:37:07,267
Porn ?

743
00:37:07,517 --> 00:37:09,269
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

744
00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:10,813
You should include
porn in the box,

745
00:37:10,895 --> 00:37:12,522
you'll sell
more dolls!

746
00:37:12,605 --> 00:37:14,107
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

747
00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:15,567
Little something
for everybody.

748
00:37:15,984 --> 00:37:18,407
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

749
00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:23,117
This is a book on how
to do ventriloquism.

750
00:37:23,783 --> 00:37:25,126
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

751
00:37:29,581 --> 00:37:30,628
That's great.

752
00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:34,711
I bet that's a
real page-turner.

753
00:37:35,003 --> 00:37:36,550
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

754
00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:39,891
(HIGH-PITCHED) "What else
is in the box, Jeff?"

755
00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:41,513
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

756
00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:46,898
Well, in the back of the book are
three routines that I wrote-

757
00:37:47,140 --> 00:37:48,187
That's great.

758
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:49,601
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

759
00:37:50,143 --> 00:37:51,144
Why?

760
00:37:51,519 --> 00:37:53,192
Well, if somebody
purchases Little Jeff,

761
00:37:53,354 --> 00:37:55,322
they can learn ventriloquism
from the DVD,

762
00:37:55,523 --> 00:37:57,150
then memorize
one of these routines,

763
00:37:57,275 --> 00:37:59,903
and then pretty much instantly
be on stage performing-

764
00:38:00,904 --> 00:38:01,951
That's great.

765
00:38:02,071 --> 00:38:03,618
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

766
00:38:04,032 --> 00:38:05,454
You know, Jeff,

767
00:38:05,533 --> 00:38:08,537
sometimes I lie awake
in bed at night,

768
00:38:08,912 --> 00:38:10,414
wondering to myself,

769
00:38:10,497 --> 00:38:13,216
what's truly wrong
with our country today.

770
00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:15,043
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

771
00:38:15,126 --> 00:38:17,049
Not long ago, I think
I figured it out.

772
00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:20,469
There's not enough
ventriloquists.

773
00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:22,550
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

774
00:38:24,219 --> 00:38:26,221
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

775
00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:35,651
But now, with you selling
the Little Jeff dummies

776
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:38,233
and the DVDs on
how to do ventriloquism,

777
00:38:38,942 --> 00:38:41,616
there's going to be
a lot more ventriloquists.

778
00:38:42,737 --> 00:38:46,082
You're helping
to heal our nation.

779
00:38:46,366 --> 00:38:48,164
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

780
00:38:51,704 --> 00:38:53,081
Is this sarcasm?

781
00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:55,382
Yes.

782
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:56,880
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

783
00:38:57,252 --> 00:38:58,720
So what I would like
to do this evening

784
00:38:58,795 --> 00:39:00,718
is to perform one
of these three routines.

785
00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:01,798
(GASPS)

786
00:39:02,674 --> 00:39:05,018
<i>Please, sir, may I
help you do that?</i>

787
00:39:05,301 --> 00:39:07,224
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

788
00:39:07,887 --> 00:39:10,231
Okay.
(SQUEALS)

789
00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:17,814
The routine that I picked
to do this evening

790
00:39:17,897 --> 00:39:19,114
<i>is one that I wrote
as</i> a <i>tribute</i>

791
00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:20,988
to the comedy team,
Abbott and Costello.

792
00:39:21,109 --> 00:39:22,531
Huh?
Their most famous rout...

793
00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:24,328
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
There you go.

794
00:39:24,404 --> 00:39:26,281
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

795
00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:28,665
Their most famous
routine was

796
00:39:28,741 --> 00:39:30,960
one I really enjoyed
listening to as a child,

797
00:39:31,119 --> 00:39:32,871
and this is pretty much
my nod to them.

798
00:39:32,996 --> 00:39:34,043
That's great.

799
00:39:34,122 --> 00:39:35,123
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

800
00:39:35,623 --> 00:39:36,840
Why do you
have the book?

801
00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:38,926
So I can
read the routine.

802
00:39:39,252 --> 00:39:40,253
<i>Okay-</i>

803
00:39:41,588 --> 00:39:42,805
Didn't you write
this shit?

804
00:39:43,131 --> 00:39:44,974
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

805
00:39:50,013 --> 00:39:51,139
Yes.
Okay!

806
00:39:53,558 --> 00:39:56,858
Just seems like these nice folks spent
a lot of money on their tickets-

807
00:39:56,978 --> 00:39:59,948
I mean, you could take a couple
of minutes and fucking memorize-

808
00:40:00,148 --> 00:40:02,025
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

809
00:40:05,486 --> 00:40:06,908
So you're going to
read your lines?

810
00:40:06,988 --> 00:40:08,535
Yes, I'm going to
read my lines!

811
00:40:08,615 --> 00:40:09,662
Okay!

812
00:40:11,326 --> 00:40:15,456
And somehow having never seen
the book, I'll just know mine!

813
00:40:15,788 --> 00:40:18,883
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

814
00:40:23,796 --> 00:40:27,551
Yeah, let's all pretend the little
dummy's actually reading a book!

815
00:40:27,634 --> 00:40:29,136
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

816
00:40:29,218 --> 00:40:32,222
Oh, did I fuck up
the illusion ?

817
00:40:32,347 --> 00:40:33,974
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

818
00:40:34,057 --> 00:40:36,025
Sorry, Mr.
Copperfield.

819
00:40:36,142 --> 00:40:37,940
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

820
00:40:38,019 --> 00:40:39,362
Ta-da!

821
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:41,481
Poof!

822
00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:42,949
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

823
00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:46,569
Now what are you doing?

824
00:40:46,778 --> 00:40:49,327
Trying to get to the correct
page using just one hand.

825
00:40:50,907 --> 00:40:52,705
You can do it, Forrest.

826
00:40:58,665 --> 00:41:00,212
Run, Forrest, run!

827
00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:01,759
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

828
00:41:03,044 --> 00:41:05,672
Hey, you better hurry before
your cat runs out of water.

829
00:41:06,798 --> 00:41:09,096
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

830
00:41:15,098 --> 00:41:17,897
'Cause as we all know, there's
nothing worse than a dry.--

831
00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:19,228
Cat.

832
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:22,484
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

833
00:41:30,279 --> 00:41:31,576
That was too close.

834
00:41:32,699 --> 00:41:33,825
That's what
she said.

835
00:41:34,242 --> 00:41:35,994
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

836
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:38,871
All right, so the first line
in here says, "How are you?"

837
00:41:38,955 --> 00:41:40,923
And in parentheses,
"Figure's name

838
00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:42,342
What the hell's
a figure?

839
00:41:42,417 --> 00:41:44,715
A figure is the ventriloquist's
politically-correct term

840
00:41:44,794 --> 00:41:45,795
for the word "dummy".

841
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:47,763
So you're technically
a ventriloquist's figure.

842
00:41:48,131 --> 00:41:49,929
(SMACKS LIPS)
No.

843
00:41:50,842 --> 00:41:55,939
From now on, we would like to be
referred to as wooden Americans-

844
00:42:01,811 --> 00:42:04,940
We're going to need some
land and slot machines.

845
00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:09,198
I'll become Chief Little Jeff
and you're named Dumb ass.

846
00:42:10,445 --> 00:42:13,039
Oh, we can use Hello Kitty
for smoke signals.

847
00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:14,491
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

848
00:42:14,657 --> 00:42:17,456
Well, you've always said you wanted
a hot, smoking pussy--- Cat-

849
00:42:17,535 --> 00:42:19,208
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

850
00:42:19,579 --> 00:42:22,753
Cat, pussy cat, I said pussy cat!
Meow! Meow!

851
00:42:23,207 --> 00:42:26,131
Meow! Pussy cat!
Meow, meow!

852
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:28,213
U-nssmca)

853
00:42:28,379 --> 00:42:29,631
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

854
00:42:34,635 --> 00:42:35,602
You ready?
I guess.

855
00:42:35,678 --> 00:42:36,679
All right,
here we go.

856
00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:38,231
How are you, Little Jeff?
Kind of sad-

857
00:42:38,306 --> 00:42:40,149
Why is that? Everyone
makes fun of my dog-

858
00:42:40,224 --> 00:42:41,897
What's wrong with your dog?
Nothing.

859
00:42:41,976 --> 00:42:43,068
Then why do people
make fun of him?

860
00:42:43,144 --> 00:42:44,441
He has kind of
a weird name.

861
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,022
I see, did you come up
with the name yourself?

862
00:42:46,189 --> 00:42:48,738
Yeah, my mom lets me
name all my pets- Sure-

863
00:42:48,900 --> 00:42:50,527
What's your dog's name?
I Forgot.

864
00:42:50,818 --> 00:42:52,411
How could you forget?
Forget what?

865
00:42:52,487 --> 00:42:54,205
You said you forgot your
dog's name- No, I didn't-

866
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:56,533
Yes, you did- No, I said
my dog's name is I Forgot-

867
00:42:56,783 --> 00:42:57,750
Right.
Right what?

868
00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,247
You said it again.
Said what again?

869
00:42:59,327 --> 00:43:00,499
That you forgot
your dog's name.

870
00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:01,704
No. What's wrong
with you?

871
00:43:01,788 --> 00:43:04,792
You just said, "My dog's
name is I Forgot- " Exactly!

872
00:43:04,874 --> 00:43:06,501
Exactly what?
That's his name.

873
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:07,710
Whose name?
The dog's!

874
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,086
That you forgot.
What?

875
00:43:09,670 --> 00:43:10,762
Do you have a dog?
Yes.

876
00:43:10,838 --> 00:43:12,340
What's his name?
I Forgot.

877
00:43:13,758 --> 00:43:16,227
How could you? I don't know
what you're talking about!

878
00:43:16,344 --> 00:43:17,345
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

879
00:43:17,428 --> 00:43:19,180
You're nuts.
That's the cat.

880
00:43:19,722 --> 00:43:21,895
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

881
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:31,908
Who is?
You're Nuts.

882
00:43:31,984 --> 00:43:34,032
I am not- I didn't say you
were, but the cat is-

883
00:43:34,112 --> 00:43:35,329
The cat is what?
You're Nuts.

884
00:43:35,404 --> 00:43:37,122
Stop saying that.
That's her name!

885
00:43:37,198 --> 00:43:38,290
Do you have a dog?
Yes.

886
00:43:38,407 --> 00:43:39,750
What's his name?
I Forgot.

887
00:43:39,909 --> 00:43:41,877
No one forgets their own
dog's name- I didn't-

888
00:43:41,953 --> 00:43:43,671
Then why don't you tell me his name?
I just did-

889
00:43:43,746 --> 00:43:44,963
But you forgot?
No, I Forgot.

890
00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:46,256
You're nuts.
The cat.

891
00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:48,251
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

892
00:43:48,376 --> 00:43:49,423
Do you speak English?

893
00:43:49,669 --> 00:43:50,795
That's the hamster.

894
00:43:51,045 --> 00:43:52,888
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

895
00:43:54,006 --> 00:43:55,303
Who is?
Do You Speak English.

896
00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:57,181
I just asked you that.
That's the hamster.

897
00:43:57,260 --> 00:43:58,261
Yes.
Yes, what?

898
00:43:58,386 --> 00:44:00,059
I was answering your question.
I didn't ask a question!

899
00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:01,139
Yes, you did.
No.

900
00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:02,474
You asked me if
I spoke English.

901
00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:04,230
No, I was telling you
the hamster's name.

902
00:44:04,308 --> 00:44:05,309
You're nuts.
Meow.

903
00:44:05,393 --> 00:44:06,440
Say goodnight.
I'm Little Jeff.

904
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:09,147
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

905
00:44:25,413 --> 00:44:26,414
So, folks...

906
00:44:26,539 --> 00:44:28,758
This next guy, we don't
know where he's from,

907
00:44:28,875 --> 00:44:30,127
we don't know
what he is,

908
00:44:30,251 --> 00:44:31,969
but he's purple,
he's wacky...

909
00:44:32,170 --> 00:44:34,298
Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

910
00:44:41,554 --> 00:44:42,521
How you doing,
Peanut?

911
00:44:42,597 --> 00:44:43,769
Doing pretty good, how about you?
I'm fine-

912
00:44:43,848 --> 00:44:45,976
That's good, that's
good, that's good!

913
00:44:46,058 --> 00:44:47,526
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

914
00:44:48,477 --> 00:44:50,775
You like it here? I don't
like it here- I love it-

915
00:44:50,897 --> 00:44:52,774
I love it right here
in Hollywood.

916
00:44:52,857 --> 00:44:55,861
La-La Land, Tinseltown,
the City of Dreams,

917
00:44:55,943 --> 00:44:59,698
the City ofAnge/s, West Hollywood.
It's all fabulous!

918
00:44:59,780 --> 00:45:01,327
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

919
00:45:01,449 --> 00:45:02,792
It's show biz.
It's show biz.

920
00:45:02,867 --> 00:45:05,086
Let's do lunch,
call me, toodles.

921
00:45:05,745 --> 00:45:06,997
Hey! I'm glad you like it here.

922
00:45:07,121 --> 00:45:10,671
Why do the paparazzi need to get
a picture of Kim Kardashian?

923
00:45:11,125 --> 00:45:13,548
If you'd leave her alone,
she'd just do it all herself!

924
00:45:13,628 --> 00:45:16,006
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Click, click,
click, click. Click, click, click-

925
00:45:16,088 --> 00:45:18,557
Oh, got to do my butt,
panorama. Ahhh...

926
00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:20,135
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

927
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:26,020
Now there's a selfie that?!
take a while to download-

928
00:45:26,098 --> 00:45:27,771
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

929
00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:29,485
And then there's
Kim and Kanye!

930
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,528
The big ass who married
the bigger ass-

931
00:45:31,604 --> 00:45:33,777
Yay!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

932
00:45:33,898 --> 00:45:35,741
(PEANUT LAUGHING)

933
00:45:35,942 --> 00:45:37,194
Mmm-hmm.
Stop it.

934
00:45:37,902 --> 00:45:39,654
Yeah, Kim got famous
from a sex tape.

935
00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:40,784
I was going to
do that myself,

936
00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:42,080
but realized
it was a bad idea.

937
00:45:42,156 --> 00:45:44,454
Why is that? 'Cause I realized
you'd have to be there too!

938
00:45:44,617 --> 00:45:46,164
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

939
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:48,371
(SHRIEKING)
Stop it!

940
00:45:48,996 --> 00:45:49,997
What is wrong
with you tonight?

941
00:45:50,081 --> 00:45:52,083
Nothing, I'm fine.
It's all great, great!

942
00:45:54,418 --> 00:45:57,513
Fine, I love it here, I love it-
Love it in Hollywood, it's great!

943
00:45:58,256 --> 00:45:59,633
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

944
00:46:02,635 --> 00:46:04,478
You sure you're okay?
I'm fine! I'm fine!

945
00:46:05,012 --> 00:46:06,605
Great!
Okay!

946
00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:11,353
I did not go to Starbucks,
I did not! Not!

947
00:46:11,435 --> 00:46:13,028
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

948
00:46:13,229 --> 00:46:15,277
Okay, yes I did,
I went to frigging Starbucks!

949
00:46:16,357 --> 00:46:18,860
I--. Love it, love
coffee, it's great!

950
00:46:20,528 --> 00:46:21,529
You went there?
Yes!

951
00:46:21,696 --> 00:46:23,243
Maybe, no.
Yes, I think so!

952
00:46:23,364 --> 00:46:25,162
(LAUGHS, SHUDDERS)

953
00:46:25,241 --> 00:46:27,243
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

954
00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:29,836
You're not supposed to
have any caffeine.

955
00:46:29,912 --> 00:46:32,461
I know, sorry, I did, I know. You're
right, you're right, but I did anyway-

956
00:46:32,540 --> 00:46:34,383
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

957
00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:37,132
Yes! What did you ha ve ?

958
00:46:37,211 --> 00:46:38,463
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

959
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:40,640
Sorry, I jumped ahead
to the next question!

960
00:46:41,507 --> 00:46:43,305
Are you okay? I'm fine, I'm
fine, I love this stuff!

961
00:46:43,384 --> 00:46:46,137
Is coffee legal? ls coffee legal, is it
legal, is this stuff legal, is it legal,

962
00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:47,813
I can't believe
this stuff's legal!

963
00:46:47,888 --> 00:46:50,892
You need help- (STUTTERS)
No, I need a latte-

964
00:46:51,017 --> 00:46:52,439
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

965
00:46:52,977 --> 00:46:56,197
Question- Is it normal for your
heart to sound like a weed eater?

966
00:46:56,355 --> 00:46:58,198
(LAUGHS)
No.

967
00:46:58,316 --> 00:46:59,442
Yes!
Right...

968
00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:01,660
Don't go to any more
coffee places.

969
00:47:01,736 --> 00:47:02,737
You know what I heard
the other day?

970
00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:05,414
I heard that some folks get
something called a coffee enema-

971
00:47:05,573 --> 00:47:07,621
I don't know what that is, I
don't want to know what that is,

972
00:47:07,700 --> 00:47:09,998
and please don't let it ever
show up on the menu at---

973
00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:11,078
Starbucks.

974
00:47:11,162 --> 00:47:12,334
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

975
00:47:12,413 --> 00:47:14,757
On the other hand, if you really
want to pull an awesome joke

976
00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:15,879
when you're
standing in line,

977
00:47:16,042 --> 00:47:18,511
secretly write it on
the chalkboard menu!

978
00:47:18,586 --> 00:47:19,929
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

979
00:47:20,046 --> 00:47:21,172
Then you get
to the register,

980
00:47:21,255 --> 00:47:22,472
point to it
and say,

981
00:47:22,590 --> 00:47:24,513
last time
I had that one frozen.

982
00:47:24,842 --> 00:47:26,094
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

983
00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:28,225
It gave my
butt the shivers!

984
00:47:28,304 --> 00:47:29,726
(LAUGHS)

985
00:47:31,015 --> 00:47:32,392
I'm going to open
my own coffee place.

986
00:47:32,475 --> 00:47:34,523
This could be a whole,
new line of beverages for me.

987
00:47:34,602 --> 00:47:36,320
"Cafe Booty."

988
00:47:36,395 --> 00:47:37,396
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

989
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,278
The ass-presso!

990
00:47:39,815 --> 00:47:41,863
The crap-uccino.

991
00:47:43,110 --> 00:47:45,613
The best part of waking up is
coffee in your butt.

992
00:47:45,946 --> 00:47:47,448
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

993
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:50,117
(LAUGHS)

994
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:52,419
Mmm-hmm.
Stop it.

995
00:47:52,495 --> 00:47:53,496
How long have you
been like this?

996
00:47:53,621 --> 00:47:54,668
Yes!
(CHUCKLES)

997
00:47:55,873 --> 00:47:57,045
So you're addicted
to caffeine?

998
00:47:57,124 --> 00:47:58,967
Duh-duh-duh-duh!

999
00:47:59,794 --> 00:48:00,966
Is there any way
you can get off it?

1000
00:48:01,087 --> 00:48:02,509
I tried a patch.
That didn't work.

1001
00:48:02,630 --> 00:48:03,847
VVh y? I stuck it on my arm,

1002
00:48:03,923 --> 00:48:05,345
took it off my arm,
rolled it up, smoked it-

1003
00:48:05,591 --> 00:48:06,592
Ya y!

1004
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:10,309
And then I tried some kind of
gum, but that didn't work- Gum?

1005
00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:12,061
Because I it mixed up
with a condom,

1006
00:48:12,181 --> 00:48:13,774
that's a big ass bubble
right there.

1007
00:48:13,974 --> 00:48:15,317
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1008
00:48:15,434 --> 00:48:16,811
(PEANUT LAUGHING)

1009
00:48:17,645 --> 00:48:18,612
Hey, you lost a shoe.

1010
00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:19,734
No dude,
I found one.

1011
00:48:19,814 --> 00:48:20,906
(LAUGHS)

1012
00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:22,149
Oh!

1013
00:48:22,358 --> 00:48:23,655
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1014
00:48:34,787 --> 00:48:36,505
What the fuck
happened?

1015
00:48:41,168 --> 00:48:42,385
It's not funny!

1016
00:48:43,963 --> 00:48:45,340
I hate you!

1017
00:48:53,848 --> 00:48:56,476
I guess I know what we're
not gonna see on TV.

1018
00:48:56,642 --> 00:48:58,064
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1019
00:48:59,061 --> 00:49:00,358
I'm a professional.
(WHIMPERING)

1020
00:49:02,356 --> 00:49:04,484
Sorry, he just kind of
got away from me there.

1021
00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:08,654
Sorry, Peanut.
(WHIMPERING)

1022
00:49:10,030 --> 00:49:11,703
Stand up.
(WHIMPERING)

1023
00:49:12,783 --> 00:49:14,000
Come on, stand up.
(VVHIIVIPERING)

1024
00:49:14,076 --> 00:49:15,953
You're fine.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1025
00:49:16,036 --> 00:49:17,128
What?

1026
00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:19,298
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1027
00:49:19,373 --> 00:49:21,171
Close your mouth.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1028
00:49:21,250 --> 00:49:22,797
(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

1029
00:49:22,877 --> 00:49:23,878
Close your mouth!

1030
00:49:23,961 --> 00:49:26,089
(SHRIEKING INDISTINCTLY)

1031
00:49:28,048 --> 00:49:29,891
Apparently, they can
understand you and I can't.

1032
00:49:30,759 --> 00:49:32,557
Yeah.
Asshole.

1033
00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:41,896
Can you close your mouth? Huh?
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1034
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:44,232
What? What?
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1035
00:49:45,232 --> 00:49:46,484
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1036
00:49:48,152 --> 00:49:49,699
Help me.
What?

1037
00:49:49,862 --> 00:49:52,661
Help me close my
freaking mouth.

1038
00:49:52,823 --> 00:49:54,416
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1039
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:55,701
Asshole.

1040
00:50:03,584 --> 00:50:04,676
Your hand.

1041
00:50:04,752 --> 00:50:05,753
What?
Your hand!

1042
00:50:07,213 --> 00:50:08,305
Yeah!

1043
00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:11,092
(WHOOPING)

1044
00:50:13,344 --> 00:50:14,436
Oh, you want me to
close your mouth?

1045
00:50:14,512 --> 00:50:15,604
Yeah.
Close my mouth.

1046
00:50:15,679 --> 00:50:16,771
Okay.
Asshole.

1047
00:50:18,599 --> 00:50:19,600
(SNIFFING)

1048
00:50:28,442 --> 00:50:29,443
(SNIFFING)

1049
00:50:30,528 --> 00:50:31,620
What the hell
is that?

1050
00:50:33,197 --> 00:50:34,414
What?
Your hand.

1051
00:50:34,490 --> 00:50:35,616
It smells like shit.

1052
00:50:36,075 --> 00:50:37,827
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1053
00:50:38,452 --> 00:50:40,750
What? Your hand
smells like shit-

1054
00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:45,125
Yeah.

1055
00:50:45,626 --> 00:50:46,627
Smell it.

1056
00:50:46,961 --> 00:50:48,087
What?
Smell it!

1057
00:50:49,588 --> 00:50:50,931
Smell your hand!

1058
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:52,887
Asshole.

1059
00:51:00,432 --> 00:51:01,479
See?

1060
00:51:02,643 --> 00:51:03,940
It smells like shit.

1061
00:51:04,979 --> 00:51:06,071
What did you do?

1062
00:51:09,567 --> 00:51:10,819
Look, I'm just gonna...
(SCREAMS)

1063
00:51:10,985 --> 00:51:12,077
Oh, stop it.

1064
00:51:12,194 --> 00:51:13,195
(BOTH SCREAM)

1065
00:51:14,154 --> 00:51:17,203
Ugh! You got shit
on your face!

1066
00:51:18,576 --> 00:51:19,793
(LAUGHING)

1067
00:51:20,369 --> 00:51:22,121
You be shit-faced.

1068
00:51:23,664 --> 00:51:24,665
Asshole.

1069
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:27,213
Look, I'm just gonna...
No, no, no.

1070
00:51:28,168 --> 00:51:29,169
Oh, you got it fixed.

1071
00:51:29,253 --> 00:51:32,132
Oh, fine, now don't ever
let that happen again!

1072
00:51:33,048 --> 00:51:34,174
I'll kick your ass.

1073
00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:36,806
I can find another guy.

1074
00:51:37,177 --> 00:51:39,020
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1075
00:51:43,225 --> 00:51:45,523
Yeah, you'll be talking
to your freaking sock!

1076
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:50,816
You know, you're like the
Donald Trump of ventriloquism.

1077
00:51:51,609 --> 00:51:52,986
(AUDIENCE GROANS)

1078
00:51:53,068 --> 00:51:54,069
What does that mean?

1079
00:51:54,153 --> 00:51:56,531
You have no idea what you're doing,
but you're really good at it-

1080
00:52:06,915 --> 00:52:09,213
You know, Trump could
learn something from you-

1081
00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:11,921
How's that? He's always saying
things that'll get him into trouble-

1082
00:52:12,004 --> 00:52:13,426
Yeah- He should just
put me on his knee

1083
00:52:13,505 --> 00:52:14,631
and I'll say
the stuff for him.

1084
00:52:14,715 --> 00:52:16,183
(LAUGHS)

1085
00:52:16,258 --> 00:52:18,556
I mean, Biden does that
with Obama all the time.

1086
00:52:26,727 --> 00:52:30,982
But I guess that's better than being
the Hillary Clinton of ventriloquism-

1087
00:52:31,065 --> 00:52:32,066
(CHUCKLES)

1088
00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:33,400
And what is that?

1089
00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:35,282
I don't know, I had
the joke in my e-mail,

1090
00:52:35,361 --> 00:52:36,863
but somehow
it got deleted.

1091
00:52:36,945 --> 00:52:38,037
(LAUGHS)

1092
00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:48,086
Or you could be the Bush
of ventriloquism.

1093
00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:50,258
The Bush of ventriloquism?

1094
00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:52,007
By the time you get
to the third dummy,

1095
00:52:52,086 --> 00:52:54,635
everyone knows it's going
to be the same old crap-

1096
00:52:54,713 --> 00:52:56,761
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1097
00:53:00,344 --> 00:53:01,687
I don't know why you make
fun of people like that-

1098
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:02,854
I'm not making
fun of anybody.

1099
00:53:02,930 --> 00:53:03,931
I think that's
what that was.

1100
00:53:04,014 --> 00:53:05,391
You know, I used to
make fun of my grandpa.

1101
00:53:05,599 --> 00:53:06,691
Why'd you make fun
of your grandpa ?

1102
00:53:06,767 --> 00:53:07,984
'Cause he had
a hearing aid.

1103
00:53:08,602 --> 00:53:09,603
You can't make
fun of that.

1104
00:53:09,687 --> 00:53:11,735
I didn't make fun of him,
I made fun with him.

1105
00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:13,948
What do you mean? Grandpa owned
those really old hearing aids,

1106
00:53:14,066 --> 00:53:15,238
the kind you had
to adjust.

1107
00:53:15,317 --> 00:53:17,035
I used to run up to Grandpa
and I'd go, "Hey, Grandpa.

1108
00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:18,658
"Listen, I was wondering,
do you think that we could... "

1109
00:53:18,904 --> 00:53:20,622
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1110
00:53:26,620 --> 00:53:28,964
Grandpa 'd be like, "What the
hell's wrong with this damn thing?"

1111
00:53:30,666 --> 00:53:31,667
Peanut, that's
really mean!

1112
00:53:31,750 --> 00:53:33,218
Yeah, but that
was funny as hell.

1113
00:53:33,711 --> 00:53:35,634
In fact, it was so funny,
Grandma started doing it.

1114
00:53:38,298 --> 00:53:39,845
They had a really
old dog too,

1115
00:53:39,925 --> 00:53:42,394
they eventually had to put stickers
across their sliding glass door,

1116
00:53:42,469 --> 00:53:44,767
otherwise that dog would try and
run right through the glass door.

1117
00:53:45,055 --> 00:53:46,728
I used to stand inside
with a tennis ball,

1118
00:53:46,807 --> 00:53:48,650
and then pretend
to throw it outside.

1119
00:53:49,268 --> 00:53:51,236
That dog would be like...
(MIMICS DOG WHINING)

1120
00:53:52,980 --> 00:53:55,403
Sometimes Grandpa and that dog
would try and take walks together.

1121
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:58,201
They'd both try and walk through
the glass door at the same time-

1122
00:53:58,277 --> 00:54:01,247
Grandma would be like, "I just got through
cleaning that thing- What the heck--- "

1123
00:54:01,321 --> 00:54:03,415
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1124
00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:10,914
What?

1125
00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:12,883
Peanut, what if your grandpa
was here this evening?

1126
00:54:12,958 --> 00:54:14,551
Wouldn't you feel kind of bad?
I guess-

1127
00:54:14,626 --> 00:54:15,923
What would you say
to your grandpa?

1128
00:54:16,336 --> 00:54:17,383
I'm sorry, Grandpa.

1129
00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:19,716
I didn't mean to upset...
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1130
00:54:22,885 --> 00:54:24,387
Am I going to hell?
Probably.

1131
00:54:24,678 --> 00:54:26,851
Well, we're in Hollywood.
Here we are.

1132
00:54:28,015 --> 00:54:29,016
Say goodnight, Peanut.

1133
00:54:29,141 --> 00:54:30,142
Thanks,
everybody!

1134
00:54:30,309 --> 00:54:32,357
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1135
00:54:34,646 --> 00:54:35,989
Thanks, you GUYS!

1136
00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:44,748
All right, so we
have one guy left.

1137
00:54:44,948 --> 00:54:46,200
And it amazes me

1138
00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:48,752
that I get to give this
introduction, but it's the truth-

1139
00:54:48,869 --> 00:54:51,372
And it's all because of great
folks like you, and here it is-

1140
00:54:52,039 --> 00:54:55,839
Please help me welcome, the most beloved
terrorist throughout the world---

1141
00:54:55,918 --> 00:54:58,546
Achmed, the dead terrorist.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1142
00:55:19,066 --> 00:55:20,909
Thank you.
(LAUGHS)

1143
00:55:21,902 --> 00:55:26,408
Greetings, American
infidels!

1144
00:55:26,490 --> 00:55:28,663
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1145
00:55:30,577 --> 00:55:32,750
All right, Achmed, for the folks
who might not know you---

1146
00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:37,006
Hey, hey, hey.
Everyone knows me!

1147
00:55:37,084 --> 00:55:39,337
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1148
00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:43,932
I don't know
about everyone.

1149
00:55:44,007 --> 00:55:46,726
Well, if they don't, then that means
they've been living in a cave

1150
00:55:46,802 --> 00:55:49,430
and have crappy Internet service.
(LAUGHS)

1151
00:55:50,472 --> 00:55:53,976
Achmed- - - Who do you think the
most famous dead terrorist is?

1152
00:55:54,268 --> 00:55:56,691
It's probably Osama Bin
Laden- He doesn't count!

1153
00:55:58,105 --> 00:55:59,152
Why not?
He's dead.

1154
00:55:59,231 --> 00:56:00,278
You're dead.
He's dead-dead.

1155
00:56:01,984 --> 00:56:03,986
What's the difference?
He's not on Facebook.

1156
00:56:07,364 --> 00:56:08,786
Okay, but your
name is Achmed.

1157
00:56:08,907 --> 00:56:10,830
Yes. Achmed,
the dead terrorist.

1158
00:56:10,909 --> 00:56:13,332
Do you know me,
infidels?

1159
00:56:13,412 --> 00:56:14,413
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1160
00:56:16,498 --> 00:56:17,499
(ACHMED LAUGHS)

1161
00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:21,428
You see,
I rock.

1162
00:56:21,503 --> 00:56:23,722
All right.
To be honest, Achmed,

1163
00:56:23,797 --> 00:56:25,515
I don't understand
why people like you.

1164
00:56:25,591 --> 00:56:27,218
Oh. That's easy.
Why?

1165
00:56:27,301 --> 00:56:32,148
If folks had to pick between Justin Bieber,
Kim Kardashian and a dead terrorist,

1166
00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:35,066
I win that contest
fucking hands-down.

1167
00:56:35,142 --> 00:56:36,644
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1168
00:56:37,019 --> 00:56:39,021
Thank you.
I kill you.

1169
00:56:39,104 --> 00:56:40,651
Thank you.
I kill you.

1170
00:56:41,023 --> 00:56:42,366
Thank you. I kill you.

1171
00:56:43,609 --> 00:56:44,861
All right.
So as a terrorist...

1172
00:56:44,943 --> 00:56:46,069
Excuse me ?

1173
00:56:46,153 --> 00:56:47,120
I said,
"As a terrorist..."

1174
00:56:47,195 --> 00:56:51,075
You think just because I look like this,
this automatically makes me a terrorist?

1175
00:56:51,491 --> 00:56:53,539
You just said you were a terrorist!
No, I didn't-

1176
00:56:53,619 --> 00:56:54,620
Are you crazy?

1177
00:56:54,745 --> 00:56:55,837
Yeah, little bit, Why?

1178
00:56:57,497 --> 00:56:58,749
Achmed.
That's another thing!

1179
00:56:58,832 --> 00:57:00,926
You always say
my name incorrectly.

1180
00:57:01,001 --> 00:57:03,470
It's not Achmed.
It's (G UTTU RAL) Argh-med!

1181
00:57:03,545 --> 00:57:04,797
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1182
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:05,972
It's so frustrating.

1183
00:57:06,048 --> 00:57:09,928
The only folks who get my name right
are Jewish guys and heavy smokers-

1184
00:57:11,887 --> 00:57:14,015
But the best is
a Jewish heavy smoker.

1185
00:57:14,097 --> 00:57:15,314
(LAUGHS)

1186
00:57:15,390 --> 00:57:17,768
(G UTTU RA L) "Argh-med- <i>"</i>

1187
00:57:19,269 --> 00:57:21,567
So is there an English
equivalent for the name Achmed?

1188
00:57:21,647 --> 00:57:22,614
Yes.

1189
00:57:22,689 --> 00:57:24,111
What's that?
Larry.

1190
00:57:25,150 --> 00:57:26,242
It's not funny!

1191
00:57:27,194 --> 00:57:29,367
Silence!
I kill you!

1192
00:57:29,613 --> 00:57:32,708
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1193
00:57:35,202 --> 00:57:36,704
I love this stuff, yeah.

1194
00:57:37,204 --> 00:57:39,377
I got made fun of a lot
in school for that name.

1195
00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:41,254
What school?
Suicide-bomber school.

1196
00:57:42,668 --> 00:57:45,512
Really? And ironically,
we were in district C-4-

1197
00:57:48,548 --> 00:57:50,050
So how many teachers
did you have?

1198
00:57:50,258 --> 00:57:51,555
Technically,
just one.

1199
00:57:51,718 --> 00:57:54,392
But we went through
a lot of substitutes.

1200
00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:57,144
And what were
the substitutes like?

1201
00:57:57,391 --> 00:57:58,392
A little nervous.

1202
00:57:59,810 --> 00:58:00,902
And always young.

1203
00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:03,860
Yeah, that's another thing- Why
are suicide bombers always young?

1204
00:58:04,147 --> 00:58:07,242
What, you want us to use old guys
that are already almost dead?

1205
00:58:13,615 --> 00:58:15,208
Son of a female goat!

1206
00:58:17,077 --> 00:58:18,374
I never thought of that.

1207
00:58:19,162 --> 00:58:21,335
Hurry this crap up, I have
to go make a phone call-

1208
00:58:22,791 --> 00:58:24,418
So, Achmed, why do you
wear a turbine?

1209
00:58:24,793 --> 00:58:25,794
Turban, sorry.

1210
00:58:25,877 --> 00:58:27,629
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1211
00:58:33,135 --> 00:58:35,479
Yes, Jeff.
A tur-bine!

1212
00:58:36,596 --> 00:58:39,224
Wow, the SAT was a
bitch, wasn't it?

1213
00:58:44,229 --> 00:58:47,028
I wear a turbine because it's
more powerful than a jet pack

1214
00:58:47,107 --> 00:58:48,108
(LAUGHS)

1215
00:58:49,443 --> 00:58:53,323
Hey, do you know what Donald
Trump and I have in common?

1216
00:58:53,405 --> 00:58:54,452
What's that?

1217
00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:57,956
We never let anyone see
the real tops of our heads.

1218
00:59:00,620 --> 00:59:03,965
What is that thing on his head?
I don't know.

1219
00:59:04,124 --> 00:59:06,343
If you ever meet him,
you should make it talk!

1220
00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:11,640
Wait, wait.
With a Mexican accent.

1221
00:59:11,715 --> 00:59:12,716
(LAUGHS)

1222
00:59:19,890 --> 00:59:20,891
Ha!

1223
00:59:22,142 --> 00:59:23,394
So what do you think
of Donald Trump?

1224
00:59:23,477 --> 00:59:24,694
I actually
love the guy.

1225
00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:27,985
But you think I'm crazy?
That guy's bonkers.

1226
00:59:28,899 --> 00:59:32,119
Even the ISIS guys are like,
"What the hell, dude? Calm down-

1227
00:59:34,488 --> 00:59:37,162
"We'll build your wall just to
keep you away from us!"

1228
00:59:39,242 --> 00:59:40,960
So I understand, you flew in today?
Yes-

1229
00:59:41,036 --> 00:59:42,583
On a commercial airline.
Yes.

1230
00:59:42,704 --> 00:59:43,921
No problems?
Like what?

1231
00:59:43,997 --> 00:59:46,921
You know- With the TSA,
the X-ray machine-

1232
00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:49,799
You idiot! For you it's an
X-ray, for me it's a selfie.

1233
00:59:51,505 --> 00:59:52,506
(LAUGHS)

1234
00:59:53,340 --> 00:59:54,592
So are you enjoying
your time here?

1235
00:59:54,674 --> 00:59:55,926
Oh, very much.

1236
00:59:56,009 --> 00:59:58,011
I get recognized a lot
in Hollywood.

1237
00:59:58,178 --> 01:00:01,227
I was out in front of the theater
today, signing autographs-

1238
01:00:01,431 --> 01:00:03,024
They thought I was
an Olsen twin.

1239
01:00:03,266 --> 01:00:04,267
(LAUGHS)

1240
01:00:05,602 --> 01:00:06,603
(AUDIENCE GROANING)

1241
01:00:06,686 --> 01:00:11,283
Oh, screw you, that's a funny joke.
Ha!

1242
01:00:11,983 --> 01:00:15,908
That reminds me, did you know I have
been adding to my career skills lately?

1243
01:00:16,488 --> 01:00:19,367
Doing what? I am now not
just a dead terrorist---

1244
01:00:19,533 --> 01:00:21,251
I am a dead
cyber-terrorist.

1245
01:00:21,326 --> 01:00:22,418
(LAUGHS)

1246
01:00:22,828 --> 01:00:23,795
A cyber-terrorist?

1247
01:00:23,870 --> 01:00:25,417
Don't forget to
like me on Facebook.

1248
01:00:27,582 --> 01:00:29,300
You know, Achmed, maybe for
a different line of work,

1249
01:00:29,376 --> 01:00:31,003
you could do something
that would help people.

1250
01:00:31,086 --> 01:00:34,010
Like what? I could answer a
suicide hotline. (LAUGHS)

1251
01:00:35,006 --> 01:00:37,179
I'd be like, "No, no, you're
fine, go ahead. You're good- "

1252
01:00:44,516 --> 01:00:46,393
That's horrible- They're laughing.
Not my fault-

1253
01:00:48,728 --> 01:00:50,196
So if you're going to
be a cyber-terrorist,

1254
01:00:50,272 --> 01:00:52,445
do you have a new catch
phrase besides "I kill you"?

1255
01:00:52,524 --> 01:00:54,117
Oh, yes,
this is a good one.

1256
01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:56,069
It's going to scare the crap out of you.
(CLEARS THROAT)

1257
01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:57,950
I click you!

1258
01:01:00,198 --> 01:01:01,324
Why are they laughing?

1259
01:01:01,408 --> 01:01:03,285
Because "cyber-terrorist"
makes you sound like a nerd.

1260
01:01:03,410 --> 01:01:06,880
(GASPS) Being a cyber-terrorist
is not easy- It takes balls-

1261
01:01:07,330 --> 01:01:09,549
Not real ones! What are you
looking at, you pervert?

1262
01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:12,548
What the hell?

1263
01:01:13,545 --> 01:01:14,546
Yes, they're gone.

1264
01:01:16,047 --> 01:01:17,674
I lost them
in the explosion.

1265
01:01:18,592 --> 01:01:19,593
Bye-bye balls.

1266
01:01:21,094 --> 01:01:22,186
But I found them again.

1267
01:01:24,097 --> 01:01:25,098
Yeah.

1268
01:01:25,182 --> 01:01:26,434
Balls don't bounce.

1269
01:01:27,893 --> 01:01:29,190
(MIMICS EXPLOSION,
WHISTLES)

1270
01:01:29,269 --> 01:01:30,270
There they are.

1271
01:01:36,109 --> 01:01:37,361
And you kept them?

1272
01:01:37,444 --> 01:01:39,572
Dude, you don't just throw
away your own nuts.

1273
01:01:41,031 --> 01:01:42,123
How the hell
would that work?

1274
01:01:42,199 --> 01:01:44,952
Hello, Salvation Army,
have I got something for you!

1275
01:01:47,454 --> 01:01:48,501
What would you
do with them?

1276
01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:51,083
Oh, I didn't make a key chain
or something like that.

1277
01:01:52,876 --> 01:01:55,299
Or hide it under my pillow
and wait for the ball fairy.

1278
01:01:57,797 --> 01:01:59,140
Wait, is there
such a thing?

1279
01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:02,302
How much could I get
from the ball fairy?

1280
01:02:03,136 --> 01:02:04,137
It's a matching set.

1281
01:02:06,473 --> 01:02:08,316
In the original wrapper.

1282
01:02:08,391 --> 01:02:09,688
Achmed.

1283
01:02:11,019 --> 01:02:13,021
Oh, okay, don't ask me
how I carry them.

1284
01:02:14,439 --> 01:02:15,486
I have a ball boy.

1285
01:02:15,565 --> 01:02:16,566
All right.

1286
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:20,407
You don't have them with you?
No, no-

1287
01:02:20,487 --> 01:02:22,285
No, they're at home in my junk drawer.

1288
01:02:26,409 --> 01:02:28,958
So, Achmed, what does a
cyber-terrorist actually do?

1289
01:02:29,037 --> 01:02:31,916
As I said before,
no more killing.

1290
01:02:31,998 --> 01:02:33,250
You never have
killed anyone.

1291
01:02:33,333 --> 01:02:35,210
Silence!
I delete you!

1292
01:02:37,504 --> 01:02:39,347
Ah, is that
a new phrase?

1293
01:02:40,131 --> 01:02:41,724
Wait a minute, how do
you delete someone?

1294
01:02:41,800 --> 01:02:43,097
It's not as easy
as you think.

1295
01:02:43,176 --> 01:02:45,144
You first have to
highlight, then backspace.

1296
01:02:47,180 --> 01:02:49,603
But explain what a
cyber-terrorist actually does-

1297
01:02:49,683 --> 01:02:51,685
I terrorize
by computer.

1298
01:02:51,935 --> 01:02:55,940
Okay, but what do you think the best weapon
you have is to make computers not work?

1299
01:02:56,022 --> 01:02:57,444
Windows Vista.

1300
01:02:57,524 --> 01:02:59,197
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1301
01:03:04,531 --> 01:03:06,033
Do you send spam?

1302
01:03:06,116 --> 01:03:07,834
You idiot.
No pork.

1303
01:03:07,909 --> 01:03:09,035
Oh.

1304
01:03:10,495 --> 01:03:12,964
<i>That was for all my Jewish
friends out there, ya y!</i>

1305
01:03:15,250 --> 01:03:16,923
Have you spread
any viruses?

1306
01:03:17,002 --> 01:03:20,302
Well, before the explosion, I had
a little itch, but it went away-

1307
01:03:26,970 --> 01:03:29,268
If you're a cyber-terrorist,
who's your biggest enemy now?

1308
01:03:29,389 --> 01:03:30,811
The CIA,
the FBI?

1309
01:03:30,890 --> 01:03:31,937
Siri.

1310
01:03:34,394 --> 01:03:37,568
I asked her to search the web
for booby-traps and she said,

1311
01:03:37,731 --> 01:03:39,699
"I found a number
of Hooters near you. "

1312
01:03:43,361 --> 01:03:44,487
Siri did that?
Yes.

1313
01:03:44,571 --> 01:03:46,790
And then I asked her how
to get into the White House,

1314
01:03:46,865 --> 01:03:50,244
and she said, "Lower taxes and do
something about illegal immigration- "

1315
01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:52,917
Thanks, bitch.

1316
01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:57,091
Have you attempted any real
cyber-terrorism yet? Yes-

1317
01:03:57,208 --> 01:04:00,052
VVhafd you do ? I hacked
the Obama Care website-

1318
01:04:01,713 --> 01:04:04,011
What happened? I
accidentally made it better.

1319
01:04:05,884 --> 01:04:07,136
(LAUGHS)

1320
01:04:07,218 --> 01:04:11,189
I'm kidding, I love Barack.
He and I grew up together.

1321
01:04:16,519 --> 01:04:19,773
In Hawaii.
In Hawaii.

1322
01:04:25,403 --> 01:04:27,121
I'm sorry,
I thought they knew.

1323
01:04:28,448 --> 01:04:30,450
Should I show them
my birth certificate?

1324
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:35,460
Look, Achmed, no matter what, you'll
always, to me, be a suicide bomber.

1325
01:04:35,622 --> 01:04:38,967
No, I was a suicide bomber.
That's a one-time deal.

1326
01:04:40,418 --> 01:04:42,716
Well, what was a typical day
like for a suicide bomber?

1327
01:04:42,796 --> 01:04:44,798
You idiot,
it was only one day.

1328
01:04:47,008 --> 01:04:48,134
And it wasn't
even a full day.

1329
01:04:50,053 --> 01:04:51,396
You could try for
two in a row,

1330
01:04:51,471 --> 01:04:53,018
but you'd end up
like the Seahawks.

1331
01:04:53,640 --> 01:04:55,483
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1332
01:04:56,226 --> 01:04:57,352
(ACHMED LAUGHS)

1333
01:05:01,106 --> 01:05:02,403
But do not worry,

1334
01:05:02,482 --> 01:05:06,237
I will never blow up anything if I don't
have my lucky charm, which I lost-

1335
01:05:06,319 --> 01:05:07,320
You had a lucky charm.

1336
01:05:07,445 --> 01:05:08,662
Yeah.
What was it?

1337
01:05:08,738 --> 01:05:09,990
I had a little
camel's toe.

1338
01:05:10,073 --> 01:05:11,370
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1339
01:05:15,620 --> 01:05:16,872
What the hell
are they laughing at?

1340
01:05:17,914 --> 01:05:19,757
What? I had a little
camel toe.

1341
01:05:21,084 --> 01:05:22,927
You used to look at
it all the time!

1342
01:05:24,796 --> 01:05:27,219
I'm not kidding, he would
rub it for good luck-

1343
01:05:30,510 --> 01:05:31,511
(YELPS)

1344
01:05:32,345 --> 01:05:33,346
Seriously?

1345
01:05:34,139 --> 01:05:36,187
Can we sell
little fake ones online?

1346
01:05:37,809 --> 01:05:39,482
Achmed's lucky
camel toe.

1347
01:05:39,561 --> 01:05:41,780
Makes a great
stocking stuffer!

1348
01:05:44,524 --> 01:05:47,243
AUDIENCE: Oh!

1349
01:05:59,706 --> 01:06:01,128
You think
anybody saw that?

1350
01:06:01,207 --> 01:06:03,551
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1351
01:06:08,423 --> 01:06:09,595
Where is it?
It's on...

1352
01:06:10,842 --> 01:06:12,560
It's on the floor.
Get it, you idiot.

1353
01:06:14,596 --> 01:06:15,893
Get my freaking arm!

1354
01:06:19,434 --> 01:06:20,651
Go get my arm.
Okay.

1355
01:06:20,727 --> 01:06:21,728
Wait!
What?

1356
01:06:22,228 --> 01:06:23,650
Don't leave me here,
I'll fall down.

1357
01:06:25,857 --> 01:06:27,325
Go with me.
Okay. (WHOOPING)

1358
01:06:30,028 --> 01:06:31,029
(SCREAMS)

1359
01:06:32,071 --> 01:06:33,072
Put it back!
Okay!

1360
01:06:33,156 --> 01:06:34,157
Put it back!
Okay!

1361
01:06:34,282 --> 01:06:35,283
(MUTTERS)

1362
01:06:35,408 --> 01:06:36,534
Okay, sorry,
I don't know...

1363
01:06:36,618 --> 01:06:38,040
Cheap construction.

1364
01:06:39,245 --> 01:06:40,212
All right,
fine, there.

1365
01:06:40,288 --> 01:06:42,165
Oh!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1366
01:06:42,248 --> 01:06:43,249
It's not funny!

1367
01:06:44,250 --> 01:06:45,797
I kill you
from here!

1368
01:06:50,089 --> 01:06:52,467
How would you do that?
Just throw me-

1369
01:06:54,385 --> 01:06:55,557
Why not?
You did Peanut.

1370
01:06:55,637 --> 01:06:56,638
(LAUGHS)

1371
01:07:02,060 --> 01:07:04,233
Can you put it back? I think.
I don't know what's wrong-

1372
01:07:04,437 --> 01:07:06,565
Just put it...
You are so cute.

1373
01:07:09,567 --> 01:07:11,160
All right, I think
it's good. Is it okay?

1374
01:07:11,819 --> 01:07:13,662
Oops, sorry.
Don't touch my leg!

1375
01:07:14,322 --> 01:07:15,574
It's not funny!

1376
01:07:16,658 --> 01:07:18,331
Don't touch it,
I can do this myself.

1377
01:07:19,827 --> 01:07:20,874
No!

1378
01:07:24,541 --> 01:07:25,542
It's not funny!

1379
01:07:26,793 --> 01:07:27,794
Stop laughing-

1380
01:07:29,754 --> 01:07:30,846
Stop laughing at me!

1381
01:07:31,756 --> 01:07:32,757
(SCREAMS)

1382
01:07:33,633 --> 01:07:34,725
This is not funny
at all.

1383
01:07:34,801 --> 01:07:36,769
This is all your fault.
I kill you again.

1384
01:07:38,137 --> 01:07:40,105
What? I can do...
Don't touch my leg!

1385
01:07:42,809 --> 01:07:44,811
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1386
01:07:53,194 --> 01:07:54,241
I still got it.

1387
01:07:58,575 --> 01:08:00,998
AUDIENCE: Oh!

1388
01:08:03,621 --> 01:08:05,248
Don't let me fall down!
What the hell?

1389
01:08:06,624 --> 01:08:07,750
You want me to fix?
Yes, fix my leg.

1390
01:08:07,834 --> 01:08:08,960
<i>Okay-</i>

1391
01:08:09,043 --> 01:08:10,511
Don't touch my
wee-wee.

1392
01:08:11,421 --> 01:08:13,298
You don't have one-
It's a phantom wee-wee-

1393
01:08:15,592 --> 01:08:16,593
His name is Robert.

1394
01:08:19,012 --> 01:08:20,730
Unless it's really cold,
then it's Bob.

1395
01:08:25,518 --> 01:08:26,770
And don't
make it talk-

1396
01:08:29,188 --> 01:08:30,189
All right.

1397
01:08:32,609 --> 01:08:33,610
It's not
funny at all, okay?

1398
01:08:33,693 --> 01:08:35,161
I think we're good. All right-

1399
01:08:35,236 --> 01:08:36,237
So, now...

1400
01:08:36,321 --> 01:08:38,289
AUDIENCE: Oh!

1401
01:08:43,077 --> 01:08:45,125
AUDIENCE: Oh!

1402
01:08:47,248 --> 01:08:48,374
What the hell?

1403
01:08:49,709 --> 01:08:51,552
How can I be naked?
I feel naked!

1404
01:08:52,545 --> 01:08:54,889
Fix all this! I'm going
to bite you to death!

1405
01:08:55,590 --> 01:08:57,843
It's not funny,
not funny one bit.

1406
01:08:57,925 --> 01:08:59,222
I kill you.

1407
01:09:01,054 --> 01:09:02,727
This one won't stay.
Here.

1408
01:09:15,234 --> 01:09:16,986
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1409
01:09:24,869 --> 01:09:26,041
Take it out,
I can feel that.

1410
01:09:28,790 --> 01:09:30,383
Want to call it quits?
I think so.

1411
01:09:30,458 --> 01:09:32,506
You guys have been
absolutely fantastic.

1412
01:09:32,585 --> 01:09:34,553
Thank you
and good night.

1413
01:09:34,629 --> 01:09:35,801
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1414
01:09:35,797 --> 01:09:36,514
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1415
01:09:37,924 --> 01:09:38,925
Thank you!