0
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000
Visit www.Markasjudi.com
Trusted Secure Online Gambling Agent
1
00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,810
So, we drive to the show?
2
00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:20,603
Yes.
3
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:21,604
With wife
4
00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:22,605
And children.
5
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:23,690
[groans]
6
00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:26,025
Hi, Jack.
7
00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:29,612
Hi, James.
8
00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:33,033
Remind me again why we do this?
9
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:37,912
This Irish trip is about family
together and discovering our roots.
10
00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:39,247
Thank you dear.
11
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,833
Well, I just found out I didn't want to go.
12
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:43,126
[cooing]
13
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,794
Walter, you're part of this family
Do you like it or not.
14
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,380
Hey, look what I found
seeping under the chair.
15
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,717
This unopened old letter is for you, Walter,
16
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,343
- come 196--
-Give it to me.
17
00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:56,681
Oh.
Hei, Audrey,
apa lagi kursi bayi tambahan ini?
18
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,600
When will Bubba J come out?
19
00:00:58,683 --> 00:00:59,809
[Walter] what is
20
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,603
[chuckles] You will see
21
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,063
[You will see]
22
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:05,732
-What does that mean?
- [Walter] what is this
23
00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:07,150
[Peanut] Another baby?
24
00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:11,446
Talking about Bubba J,
Has anyone seen him lately?
25
00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:13,990
- [Walter's groan]
-Oh, he wants to ride on the roof.
26
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,617
[chuckles]
27
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,077
[playing rock music]
28
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:21,956
[laughs]
29
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:26,795
[Bubba J imitates a car engine]
30
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:32,175
[Bubba J] I make a left turn!
What
31
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:49,067
Now, we're here.
32
00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:53,988
Now, we have to be in Ireland.
This bug feels like beer.
33
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:54,906
[chuckles]
34
00:01:57,408 --> 00:01:59,119
[audience cheers]
35
00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:02,956
[Achmed] Greetings, Irish infidels.
36
00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:08,169
Welcome to the stage,
the biggest infidel ever,
37
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:12,090
Mr. Jeff Dunham!
38
00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:28,481
Original in English
Thank you for coming here tonight.
39
00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:29,732
I want to start by saying -
40
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:32,902
People say, "Why in this world?
do you go to Dublin, Ireland,
41
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,363
to do your Netflix special? "
I will tell you why
42
00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:39,242
I have a ventriloquist doll in the third part
class, start practicing, performing shows,
43
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:43,037
through elementary, middle school,
high school, graduating college.
44
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:46,249
Is it almost 20 years of comedy clubs
throughout the US and Canada,
45
00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:49,586
then turned into a small cinema,
then a big cinema, then the giant arena,
46
00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:53,423
and around the world, and here it is.
These are all because people like you.
47
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,633
Thank you for making it happen.
Here it is.
48
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:56,926
[audience cheers]
49
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,643
Are you ready for your reason here?
50
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,979
Is it You're ready for the little guy
in the box?
51
00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:09,314
[audience cheers]
52
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:16,654
All right.
53
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,199
Thank you.
54
00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:25,038
The first person I want to introduce
I think the audience enjoys,
55
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:29,500
because everyone knows someone like this,
in your own family or where you work.
56
00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,669
Please help me welcome
my old friend Walter
57
00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:33,504
[audience cheers]
58
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,346
Oh shut up.
59
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,765
[moans]
60
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:47,977
-How are you tonight, Walter?
- Who cares?
61
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:50,772
Lightening up a little, we're in Dublin.
62
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:52,565
Oh, yay, Dublin, yay.
63
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,192
[audience laughs]
64
00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:57,779
You know, I've heard Irish pay
pay more attention to our American politics
65
00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,113
than most Americans.
66
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,406
Yes, it seems like that.
67
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,785
Yes.
But you watch only for comedy.
68
00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:05,161
[audience laughs]
69
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,248
[audience cheers]
70
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:13,878
So, in the US presidential election,
You know everything
71
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:16,256
Do you know who the real loser is?
72
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,507
-Who is it?
-Bill.
73
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,008
[chuckles]
74
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:19,926
Why is that?
75
00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:23,012
Because now,
Hillary is home every night.
76
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,055
[audience laughs]
77
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:26,724
[laughs ]
78
00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:34,399
And with Trump in the office in the US,
Jeff, now, get ready.
79
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:36,901
-For what?
-Soon Josà © Jalapeà ± o,
80
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,362
Your Mexicans will leave the show.
81
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:40,822
[audience laughs]
82
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:45,451
[audience cheers]
83
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:51,749
José is poor.
You must be satisfied
for American pickles on a pole.
84
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,876
[audience laughs]
85
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,837
Wrapped in bacon and fried.
86
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:59,966
Hey, have you noticed in the trunk there,
I'm building a small wall?
87
00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:01,175
Do you see that?
88
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,343
[audience laughs]
89
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,513
Yes, keep that little bastard
by his side
90
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:10,059
And I'll get Jeff < br /> to pay for the wall
91
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,269
[audience laughs]
92
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:14,230
[audience cheers]
93
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,487
You know, Walter,
Josà © legal in the US < /p>
94
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:23,197
Oh.
95
00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:25,867
Then I think I'll build a small gate.
96
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,830
Yeah, your little one might
dig under it
97
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:32,832
Use the stick
98
00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:36,419
Tunggu.
Dia bisa pogo kanan atas hal.
99
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,796
Do, Do, Do, Ole!
100
00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:43,217
And you know what else?
Racial matters are worse than before.
101
00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:45,303
I don't know if it's here ,
but it's there
102
00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,304
-But.
-Yes.
103
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:50,016
Can you use your African-American?
character, Sweet Daddy Dee, again?
104
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,854
Wait, I'm sorry
We are in Ireland, huh.
This is definitely not African-Americans here.
105
00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:56,856
They don't say people Africa-Ireland, right?
106
00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,941
[audience laughs]
107
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:00,276
They only say black.
108
00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:01,903
Oh.
Oh, that is much easier.
109
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:06,532
I don't want to offend anyone anywhere,
but can I say black?
110
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:09,243
-Both--
-I am not European-North American.
111
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,704
I don't care
I'm weird.
112
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,499
Or off-white, or pink, I don't know.
113
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:18,169
What I know is black, brown, red,
yellow, white
114
00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:20,338
I don't care
Just cut my grass.
115
00:06:20,421 --> 00:06:21,255
What?
116
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:22,924
[audience laughs, then cheers]
117
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:24,550
[Jeff] Walter
118
00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:26,511
[Walter] what?!
119
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:28,638
I said "white" last .
120
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,890
Get the white man to cut my grass,
I don't care
121
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,059
White trash cleaner
from the trailer park
122
00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:34,393
[ audience laughing]
123
00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,020
And don't call me racist.
124
00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:38,981
-That's right, why not?
-Because calling someone racist is racist.
125
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,567
I actually is me-don't-give-a-craprican.
126
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:46,322
A little less angry
than I-don't-give-a-shitricans.
127
00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:50,451
Now, whatever you do, stay away
from me-don't-give-a-fuckricans.
128
00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:51,494
[audience laughs]
129
00:06:52,036 --> 00:06:53,079
They have a meeting.
130
00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:58,000
Return to what I asked before,
Can't you use Sweet Daddy Dee again?
131
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,253
Yes.
I've used him
in some of our videos
132
00:07:00,336 --> 00:07:02,380
Okay, but not
on the tour bus right now.
133
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:03,422
- Not now.
-Good.
134
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,049
Now, when you bring it back,
135
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,136
make sure you don't enter it
behind the bus
136
00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:10,138
[ audience laugh]
137
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:15,601
Yes.
138
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:21,983
Black puppets are important.
139
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,693
[audience laughs]
140
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:28,114
On different subjects, you say
one of your daughters will get married?
141
00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:31,159
-Bree, my oldest
Married a little longer.
-Oh good.
That's great.
142
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:32,618
[audience laughs]
143
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,078
You were adopted right?
144
00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:36,122
-In fact, I was adopted.
-Good.
yes.
145
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:38,708
Are you sure
146
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:39,625
Yes I'm sure.
147
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:43,087
Or that's all your parents say
make themselves feel better?
148
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,672
[audience laughs]
149
00:07:45,673 --> 00:07:47,675
-No, I was adopted.
-All right.
150
00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:51,345
Are your biological parents
going to walk your daughter down the hall?
151
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:53,347
Why are they
152
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,266
Alright, they are good at giving children.
153
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,310
[audience laughs]
154
00:07:57,393 --> 00:07:58,644
[laughs]
155
00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:01,856
That's a good joke.
156
00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:07,153
No, Walter, I'll release it.
157
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:08,863
Yes see?
This is genetic.
158
00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:10,072
[cackles]
159
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:16,037
The tradition is for the bride's father
to release it
160
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,040
Yes , you will go,
"Here it is, buddy, good luck."
161
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:21,209
Not even close.
162
00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:22,335
But come on, seriously.
163
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,670
When the bride of the parents
divorces like you,
164
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,381
It must be hard for dad
to keep a straight face
165
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,926
-when talking to his future son-in-law.
-What about that?
166
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,053
You will say, "You know, kid,
167
00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:34,680
he is dealing with a whore it's
in the corner. "
168
00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,098
[audience laughs]
169
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:40,144
No, no, it's okay.
170
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:43,314
If you say it, this is a claim law.
If I say it, it's comedy.
171
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:44,774
[audience laughs]
172
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,655
-What are you thinking about?
-I really can't comment
173
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,574
Oh, you're still paying, aren't you?
174
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,493
[audience laughs]
175
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,912
Keep telling jokes, puppet boys.
176
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:03,626
So , will your daughter and her new husband
soon have children?
177
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,044
I have no idea.
178
00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:07,463
-Oh, please encourage them to do that
-Why?
179
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,508
So, I can make fun of you
to have your own children and grandchildren
180
00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:12,051
that is the same age.
181
00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:13,844
[audience laughs]
182
00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:15,471
How chaotic is that?
183
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,890
"This him, kid.
Go change your uncle's diaper. "
184
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:24,855
-But seriously, more children your age?
-Why not?
185
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,817
Because when your men
It's old enough to play the ball,
186
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,653
the real one will be hung
to your ankle
187
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:31,946
[audience laughs]
188
00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:34,323
"Dad , want to play bowling? "
189
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,534
[imitate the impact, then groan]
190
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,995
" I already did it. "
191
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,668
-So, you really adopted? < br /> - Yes, right.
192
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,712
Have you ever tried to find another?
193
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:50,006
- My biological parents?
-What are they calling?
194
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:51,757
-First parents?
-Khas.
195
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:55,386
Yes, those who have you,
take one look, and then throw your ass.
196
00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:58,264
-I don't think that's the way it is.
-So, that's how it is.
197
00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,558
They hand you over to the nurse
and go, "Run!"
198
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,268
[audience laughs]
199
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:03,185
I don't think so.
200
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,521
Or maybe they are scared
> when you cry
201
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,232
and it sounds like it's from that child
lie next to you
202
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,942
[audience laughs]
203
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,574
I don't think we will ever know.
204
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:18,951
So, you never met your biological parents?
205
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,328
-No.
-Right.
207
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:22,705
April.
208
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:24,165
1961?
209
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:25,499
- & apos; 62.
-What?
210
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:26,792
April 1962.
211
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,044
-In Dallas?
-Right?
212
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:29,962
No, I mean being in Dallas.
213
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,673
[audience laughs]
214
00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:36,052
-Good.
-For several days.
215
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:40,181
-Uh huh.
-In & apos; 61.
216
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:44,435
You and your wife
217
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:45,895
No.
218
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,563
[audience laughs]
219
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,148
Only me.
220
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:52,068
Um...
221
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,820
But you and your wife
dated at that time.
222
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:55,738
No.
223
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,239
[audience laughs]
224
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:58,407
I have never met him.
225
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:04,580
Eh, are you dating anyone in July & apos; 61?
226
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:05,956
-No.
-Oh is good.
[chuckles]
227
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,375
Yes, yes.
228
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,168
I'm not sure You call it "dating."
229
00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:11,962
[audience laughs]
230
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,340
-What?
-Just watch a video.
231
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:18,594
[playing funk music]
232
00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:23,766
p>
233
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,434
And love is free.
234
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,729
Unless you pay for it.
235
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:32,525
I am very popular with women.
236
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,322
Hello dear.
237
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:41,117
Want to go down and feel funk?
238
00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:44,537
[cough]
239
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,208
- [Jeff] Walter
- [Walter] Calm down.
240
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:50,292
That's not what you think about it.
241
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,752
-We are jumping rope.
-What?
242
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:57,842
Well, that's enough to jump around
for tonight.
Whatever -Your name.
243
00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:00,636
This stone has to roll.
244
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,351
I will never forget you
245
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,772
[audience claps]
246
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:18,904
Father ?
247
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,032
Bastards?
248
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:23,909
[audience laughs]
249
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,080
-And who is that woman?
-I forget.
250
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,081
- You forgot?
-Yes.
251
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,041
Then what made you realize this now?
252
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:34,044
Surat tua itu yang ditemukan Kacang
di bagian belakang mobil,
253
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,713
is there a photo with it
254
00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:38,924
-Who is it?
-Well, looks like you
255
00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:40,885
-What?
-You want to see it?
256
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:42,219
Alright.
257
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,014
[audience laughs]
258
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,565
So, you say that you think
you can be me -
259
00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,817
-Well , that's terrible
-What do you think I feel?
260
00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:01,530
I can have an adult child
who is still playing with a fucking doll.
261
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,073
[audience laughs]
262
00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:06,368
>
263
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,621
-You are younger than you, aren't you?
-Audrey is younger.
264
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:10,122
-How much younger?
That
-No problem.
265
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:13,125
How young?
266
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,002
Eighteen years.
267
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:20,049
[whooping audience]
268
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,717
I actually like you more now, Jeff.
269
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,850
[audience laughs, then claps]
270
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,686
I want to tell him,
"Anywhere in my life?"
271
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,146
Yes, and he will say:
272
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,607
"Now, for the first round,
I haven't even been born yet. "
273
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:37,775
[audience laughs]
274
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:42,947
Eighteen years.
When he was 21 years old, he was 3 years old.
275
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:46,075
You have to be a registered sex offender.
276
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,871
What is your pickup line when you meet?
"Hey, boy, want candy?"
277
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,414
[audience laughs]
278
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:54,833
Seriously, what are you doing
on your first date?
279
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,253
What, you invited her to shop
for school supplies?
280
00:13:58,254 --> 00:13:59,880
You helped her work PR?
281
00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:02,925
-We have chemistry.
-Class together.
282
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,176
[audience laughs]
283
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:06,929
Poor Audrey.
284
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,013
Mengapa "Audrey yang malang"?
285
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:11,267
You know, whenever people see
a young woman with an older man,
286
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,936
they automatically think
he married her for his money.
287
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,938
- That's not what happened to us.
-No?
288
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,899
No. Actually, when Audrey and I met,
he had never heard of me
289
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,568
He didn't know who I was.
290
00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,821
Of course not.
His parents didn't want
Let him watch the comedy channel.
291
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,447
[audience laughs]
292
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:30,244
He knows Sesame Street more.
293
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:35,082
What, you sweep him from his feet
/> by doing Cookie Monster impressions?
294
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:39,169
[as Monster Cookie] "Oh, I love Audrey.
295
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,130
[the audience laughs, then claps]
296
00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:49,096
Apakah Anda ingin ciuman atau kue? "
297
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:53,058
[as Count] "You are one, two,
three times older than your wife."
298
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:57,146
[in normal voice]
"Rubber duck, you that one."
299
00:14:57,771 --> 00:14:59,773
[as Audrey] "Oh, Jeff, talk."
300
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,150
[audience laughs]
301
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,029
[in normal voice]
I really want to be there
302
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,238
The first time his father met you.
303
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,115
He must sound like Scooby-Doo.
304
00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:09,491
[as Scooby-Doo] Huh?
306
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,289
[in normal voice]
His mother must sound like Shaggy.
307
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:16,290
[as Shaggy] Zoinks.
308
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:19,627
[in normal voice] Then you get married
and have kids soon?
309
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,921
-We waited a few years.
-Oh yes.
310
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:24,590
Sometimes, you have to let it build,
no?
311
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:25,758
[audience laughs]
312
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,010
[sighs]
314
00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:32,806
I like being an older father.
315
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,517
Why?
Because all of you can
wear diapers together?
316
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,186
[audience laughs]
318
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,190
"All right, who is spending their diapers?
319
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,901
Daddy."
320
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:48,739
I've heard parents try to be bound by
their children, but you too far to take it.
321
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,867
There are many things
about being older parents
322
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:56,163
Oh yeah.
At the cinema, you get children
and discounts senior citizens.
326
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:03,921
Uh, type hit and miss.
327
00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:05,881
Sure.
Sometimes good, sometimes bad.
328
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,093
No, hit and miss. < br /> Sometimes I get shot,
and sometimes they don't get answered.
329
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,427
[audience laughs]
330
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,846
-This is different at that time.
-Yakin.
331
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,599
p>
332
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,853
-What about your father?
-Oh, he hit it too.
333
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,480
[audience laughs]
334
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:25,734
By the way, did I hear you?
call yourself middle-aged?
335
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,403
-Better.
-And you are 55.
336
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,530
-But.
-Yes, be optimistic there,
337
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:30,906
no, chachi?
338
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,077
Middle, middle, middle, half way.
339
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,663
You won't make it to 110.
340
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:38,872
[audience laughs]
341
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:43,711
[audience laughs]
342
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,923
343
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:50,467
344
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:51,635
p>
345
00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:57,641
And if you do, your children will be
like, "Daddy, it's time to die.
346
00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,893
We are in our 70s now,
we have own problem.
347
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,687
Just damn it. "
348
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,105
Honey, you can drive my car,
349
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,399
and the wheels on the bus
spin around
350
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,819
So, have you ever slept with children?
351
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:10,320
I did it, and it's very sweet.
352
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:13,157
Yes.
It's not what you imagine
when you fantasized
353
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,117
about sleeping with the twins, not ?
354
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,077
[audience laughs]
355
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:18,912
"Who is your father?"
356
00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,292
-So good night, Walter.
-Thank you, Dublin.
357
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,460
p>
358
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:26,295
That's Walter.
359
00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:27,671
[audience cheers]
360
00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:33,343
[laughs]
361
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:38,182
Thank you.
362
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:40,809
So, there's a reason else
that we are here in Dublin doing this show.
363
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,979
I was adopted, as Walter talked about.
364
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:48,150
where you came from, and I know
that I am a very large percentage
365
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,693
of Irish descent
366
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:50,819
[audience cheers]
367
00:17:55,908 --> 00:18:00,412
And my actions always reflect
what happened in my real life
368
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,499
I have three older daughters,
and now both my toddlers,
369
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:07,044
and we have a mixed family,
and there are lots of things to joke about.
370
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,754
Many people can relate to it.
371
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:11,673
That's what this special is,
It's all about family
372
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,593
But we came to Ireland, because you
are great audiences,
373
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,512
but also because I followed the roots.
374
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:19,139
Also, Audrey and I have done it
due diligence about this
375
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,265
We are happy with that,
376
00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:23,519
But we know there are many babies
here in Ireland who need a home.
377
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:26,563
So when we're here,
we will adopt an Irish baby
378
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,107
[audience cheers]
379
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,820
[audience laughs]
380
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,493
And the name is Seamus.
381
00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:51,797
Hi, Seamus.
382
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,674
Seamus little baby , very cute.
383
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:55,717
Goo, goo, goo, goo.
384
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:58,345
Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie-coo.
385
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:04,226
Touch me like that again
and I'll bite your damn arm.
386
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:06,478
[the audience laughs, then cheers]
387
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,495
-I'm sorry.
I thought you were a baby.
-I.
388
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:28,083
p>
389
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,334
-You sound a little older than that.
-That a few liters a day
390
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,713
will do for you
391
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:35,841
-Pint, you mean beer?
-In fact.
392
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,092
[audience laughs]
393
00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,720
I also drink whiskey.
394
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:43,432
-No, baby bottle.
-I don't care what it is.
395
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:47,561
If it's 90 proof or better,
I'll take it from a tin can.
396
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:48,854
[audience laughs]
397
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,691
-Don't you be breastfed?
-not all of us?
398
00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:53,901
[audience laughs]
399
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,196
[audience cheers]
400
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:05,871
But, Seamus, why did you start?
drink alcohol so fast
401
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,539
Alright...
402
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:11,501
Uh, I saw the size of my John Thomas.
403
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:12,878
[audience laughs]
404
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,589
-What are you?
-Living me
405
00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:19,676
-Oh, well, that will change.
-I hope so.
406
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,846
What if a woman sees you
When your pants come down and say,
407
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,681
"Well, that's funny."
408
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,016
[audience laughs]
409
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,769
You will be hammered all the time too.
410
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,897
-You will be fine.
-If not, later on,
411
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:35,067
I have to drive
A very good sports car.
412
00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:39,238
[audience laughs]
413
00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:41,990
Wait a minute.
I have a good sports car.
414
00:20:42,532 --> 00:20:43,408
Oh, I'm sorry.
415
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,244
[audience laughs]
416
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,996
Well, at least you have a big head.
[laughs]
417
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:54,586
Do you know who is the first person
to comment on that?
418
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:55,963
-Who?
-My ma.
419
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,633
-What did he say?
-Oh, something along the line:
420
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:01,760
[shouts]
421
00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:06,181
I think C-section
might be a little easier.
422
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:08,767
-Very?
- Well, that's the difference
423
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:12,271
between you opening the top convertible
and get out of a car like that
424
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:15,274
versus have your ass
push the keyhole
425
00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:16,608
[audience laugh]
426
00:21:21,154 --> 00:21:23,865
Alright, I hope you are happy
with Audrey and I adopt you.
427
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,368
Sure.
And if it doesn't work,
428
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:29,288
I'll only live with Angelina Jolie
and Brad Pitt.
429
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:30,414
[audience laughs]
430
00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:34,209
They need children from Ireland
to complete the collection
431
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,922
I think you don't know, Seamus,
but they are divorced
432
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,507
Oh, okay, too bad.
433
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,926
Maybe I'm too white for them.
434
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,469
[audience laugh and moan]
435
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,347
Oh, fuck you, that's a good joke.
436
00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:48,807
[audience laughs, then cheers]
437
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:58,400
What do you want to play?
Is that the baby toy I heard?
438
00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:01,528
Actually, I think it belongs to Walter
artificial hips
440
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,949
[audience laughs]
441
00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:10,203
Look, Seamus, have you enjoyed
everything with us so far?
442
00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:12,581
Oh, I like all your friends in the suitcase.
443
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:15,334
-I have asked people to leave you alone.
-Why?
444
00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:18,295
I don't think they will
Very good influence on babies.
445
00:22:18,378 --> 00:22:20,964
Everything is good.
If not , I'll kill you
446
00:22:21,048 --> 00:22:22,215
[laughs]
447
00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:25,844
-That's what I mean.
-If you think it's dark,
448
00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:29,222
You have to see what it is Bubba J & apos; s
It's done with a breast pump.
449
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:31,349
[audience laughs]
450
00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,852
I never drink from it again.
451
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:37,814
-With way, who taught you to curse?
-Next.
452
00:22:38,940 --> 00:22:40,192
Babies should not curse.
453
00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:42,444
I know.
That person is a jerk.
454
00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:43,904
[audience laughs]
455
00:22:43,987 --> 00:22:46,740
-Say, is Achmed around?
-He is.
Why?
456
00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,951
I want to show him how I can leave
a bomb in my diaper
457
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:54,664
I can clean this room right now.
458
00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:58,335
Are you looking forward
to live in the United States?
459
00:22:58,418 --> 00:23:00,545
I don't think I will care
460
00:23:01,004 --> 00:23:02,339
> for your pub
461
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:03,507
Our pub
Why is that?
462
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:05,217
They close.
463
00:23:05,592 --> 00:23:07,302
[audience laughs]
464
00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:10,222
Who does that?
465
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,265
Look, is there something you want to do,
466
00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,017
or see immediately
when did you get to the US?
467
00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:16,895
I want to see Mount Rushmore
468
00:23:16,978 --> 00:23:18,897
You know about that
That is the giant mountain carving
469
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:21,024
with our four most famous presidents.
470
00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:23,902
[audience laughs]
471
00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:26,404
Is this Bill Clinton's question?
472
00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:28,448
[audience laughs]
473
00:23:33,161 --> 00:23:34,037
[audience claps]
474
00:23:38,166 --> 00:23:40,794
So, at this age,
you already know about politics?
475
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:43,588
-Sure.
-What do you know about Donald Trump?
476
00:23:43,672 --> 00:23:46,216
I think he can just
my mother's doctor
477
00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:49,678
-Why is that so?
-What do you think I was born?
478
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:50,971
He gripped it with pu -
479
00:23:51,054 --> 00:23:51,972
[shouts]
480
00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:57,352
But from what I can see,
I like it better than its opponent.
481
00:23:57,435 --> 00:23:59,271
Hillary Clinton?
-That's that guy.
482
00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:00,564
[audience laughs]
483
00:24:01,189 --> 00:24:02,691
-No, she's a woman.
-Very?
484
00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:05,944
-Mm-hm.
-Maybe I got a little drunk too much.
485
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:09,281
And I like all your news channels.
486
00:24:09,364 --> 00:24:11,491
What's wrong with changing on it?
487
00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:13,118
-Fox News.
-Yes.
488
00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:15,328
The one with all young women
and their big -
489
00:24:15,412 --> 00:24:16,371
Ah ah.
490
00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:18,832
- personality.
491
00:24:18,915 --> 00:24:19,749
[audience laughs]
492
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:22,377
Hangout comes out.
[laughs]
493
00:24:23,545 --> 00:24:26,548
I watch ten minutes,
and I'm starving
494
00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:28,049
[audience laughs]
495
00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:34,890
-It reminds me.
I have a joke for you
-All right.
496
00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:38,101
Do you know why chicken breast
don't have nipples?
497
00:24:40,937 --> 00:24:42,606
-Why?
-Because if you freeze it,
498
00:24:42,689 --> 00:24:44,608
they will poke holes in the package.
499
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:45,859
[audience laughs]
500
00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,278
[Seamus laughs]
501
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,912
Say, you never told me
what happened to my real mother
502
00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:59,414
Oh, I think you know.
He gave you adoption.
503
00:24:59,497 --> 00:25:02,083
Oh, dia melakukannya sekarang?
Dan mengapa begitu?
504
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:05,670
I was told that the main reason
was because he was an alcoholic.
505
00:25:05,754 --> 00:25:06,880
That was the best part.
506
00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:12,177
-What?
-The milk tastes like Baileys Irish Cream.
507
00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:13,929
[audience laughs]
508
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:17,224
- And you know why they brought me from him?
-Not exactly.
509
00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,935
He tried to makes me
the designated driver
510
00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:21,686
[audience laughs]
511
00:25:22,562 --> 00:25:26,358
And by the way, why do you keep pulling
your diaper from last night at the hotel?
512
00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,653
Uh... Sometimes,
Boys need a little air.
513
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:31,404
[audience laughs]
514
00:25:31,988 --> 00:25:33,031
We are in the lobby.
515
00:25:34,991 --> 00:25:35,867
Boys go out at night.
516
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:37,535
[audience laughs]
517
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:41,998
[audience cheers]
518
00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:47,045
-Say, I have one more for you
-What?
519
00:25:47,128 --> 00:25:50,090
Apakah Anda tahu apa yang bayi panggilan
seorang wanita topless?
520
00:25:50,173 --> 00:25:51,591
-What?
-Free bar.
521
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:52,926
[laughs]
522
00:25:53,635 --> 00:25:55,595
-Walter told me that
-Oh, him?
523
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:58,265
[Walter laughs]
524
00:25:58,348 --> 00:25:59,557
[audience laughs]
525
00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:01,601
Uh, you know
we have twin boys at home
526
00:26:01,685 --> 00:26:04,396
-which will become your new brother.
-Oh, sounds beautiful.
527
00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:05,814
I hate drinking alone.
528
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,858
They don't drink alcohol.
529
00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:10,568
Baby steps
530
00:26:12,153 --> 00:26:13,530
Are you sure they are twins?
531
00:26:13,613 --> 00:26:15,740
-Of course.
-Maybe you only see twice as much.
532
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:20,537
That happened to me a lot.
Another day,
I thought I'd hit my mother's bed.
533
00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:21,913
-How's that?
-Three nipples.
534
00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:23,081
[audience laughs]
535
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,875
>
536
00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:27,794
-And you say your son is twin?
-They are.
537
00:26:27,877 --> 00:26:29,087
[laughs]
538
00:26:29,587 --> 00:26:30,588
What is their name
539
00:26:30,964 --> 00:26:33,675
-Pump up.
-Oh, like Jack Daniels?
540
00:26:34,592 --> 00:26:35,719
Sure.
Dan James.
541
00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:37,554
Like Jameson Whiskey?
542
00:26:38,555 --> 00:26:40,682
I love this damn family.
543
00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:41,599
[audience laughs]
544
00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:43,310
[audience cheers]
545
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:51,609
So, Seamus, can you walk first?
546
00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:54,279
No, not yet, but I can do the pub crawling.
547
00:26:56,698 --> 00:26:58,950
-I don't think you should be in the pub .
-Why not?
548
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:02,287
I could barely hold my head,
I kept falling, and I couldn't walk.
549
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:04,581
I entered right
550
00:27:05,915 --> 00:27:07,917
How can someone your age be in a pub?
551
00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:10,920
Oh, all the drunks just think
I'm a leprechaun
552
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:12,505
[audience laughs]
553
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,716
Aku dilempar keluar dari pub
semalam.
554
00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:17,552
-What are you doing?
-I tried to show off my lucky charm.
555
00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:22,474
To make it worse, I shouted
that they were very delicious.
556
00:27:23,641 --> 00:27:26,561
And it's Seamus, our new Irish baby.
557
00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:28,146
[audience cheering]
558
00:27:29,731 --> 00:27:30,565
They like it?
559
00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:39,866
So, the next guy is from somewhere
south in the US
560
00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:41,868
Please, help me welcome Bubba J.
561
00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:43,411
[audience cheers]
562
00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:51,378
[laughs]
563
00:27:51,711 --> 00:27:55,256
-How are you , Bubba J?
-I'm fine.
564
00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:56,424
[audience cheers]
565
00:27:57,384 --> 00:27:59,886
-What are you thinking so far?
-Well, I've listen,
566
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:02,597
and I think this is one
of the best audience
567
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,516
we have ever had
568
00:28:04,599 --> 00:28:06,017
[audience cheering]
569
00:28:10,855 --> 00:28:14,109
-Yah, bagus sekali katakan, Bubba J.
-Yah, ya, aku mabuk.
570
00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:15,985
-So, I really don't know.
-Good.
571
00:28:16,444 --> 00:28:17,362
-You are drunk?
-Yes.
573
00:28:20,323 --> 00:28:22,158
[laughs]
574
00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:25,286
He speaks funny,
But he can drink it under the table.
575
00:28:26,413 --> 00:28:27,747
[laughs]
576
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:28,873
[shouting]
577
00:28:33,336 --> 00:28:34,546
Hell is
578
00:28:35,588 --> 00:28:36,548
p>
579
00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:39,592
Oh, here I am.
580
00:28:40,093 --> 00:28:42,387
This is a picture of your baby.
581
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,557
I think those photos
should be funny
582
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,016
I look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
583
00:28:47,642 --> 00:28:51,354
[audience laughs]
584
00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:53,690
Hey, that reminds me
I
on the tour bus a little earlier today.
585
00:28:53,773 --> 00:28:57,193
-Yes.
-I was talking to someone else.
586
00:28:57,277 --> 00:29:00,238
They were talking about someone around here
they saw who was in their 50s.
587
00:29:00,321 --> 00:29:02,240
-Yes?
-He and his wife just gave birth to twins.
Ha ha.
588
00:29:03,658 --> 00:29:06,619
Hey, I want to know who drooled again,
he or the children
589
00:29:06,703 --> 00:29:07,787
[lament]
590
00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:12,000
Yes, you can give him a baby shower, < br /> But at his age, it will be a sponge bath.
591
00:29:12,083 --> 00:29:13,001
[laughs]
592
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:16,045
And when he invites his children to college,
people will like:
593
00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:19,382
"Hey, this is the weekend of the parents.
Why did you bring your grandfather?"
594
00:29:19,466 --> 00:29:20,925
[Bubba J and the audience laughed]
595
00:29:23,344 --> 00:29:25,764
-What?
-Bubba J, you're talking about me.
596
00:29:26,806 --> 00:29:29,309
You brought your grandfather to the parents weekend?
597
00:29:31,019 --> 00:29:34,272
No, I'm a 55-year-old man
who has twins.
598
00:29:34,647 --> 00:29:36,232
[Bubba J squeals]
599
00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:40,069
Does your wife know?
600
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,738
[audience laughs]
601
00:29:41,821 --> 00:29:43,656
She has twins.
I is father
602
00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:45,909
-Oh, good for you
-Thank you.
603
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:49,537
Yes, I forgot I went
and visited your son the other day.
604
00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:51,414
-How did that happen?
-Well, like I said,
605
00:29:51,498 --> 00:29:53,541
I forgot.
I'm drunk
Surprising.
606
00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:57,378
But I remember
they were handsome boys.
607
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,589
-Thank you .
- And your wife is also beautiful.
608
00:29:59,672 --> 00:30:02,383
Alright thank you.
And I'm sure
your wife is beautiful too
609
00:30:02,467 --> 00:30:03,968
[chuckles] no
610
00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:05,512
[audience laughs]
611
00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:08,014
-No?
-Bah, maybe after six packs.
612
00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:09,182
[laughs]
613
00:30:09,724 --> 00:30:11,059
How about after five beer?
614
00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:12,685
Too fast, too fast.
615
00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:15,730
But your wife really has twins?
616
00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,649
-He did it.
-One of them yours?
617
00:30:19,526 --> 00:30:22,111
-They are both.
-Oh, you're a dog
618
00:30:23,404 --> 00:30:26,699
You know, come to think of it,
I have twins by myself.
619
00:30:26,783 --> 00:30:27,784
You also have twins?
620
00:30:27,867 --> 00:30:28,868
-Oh huh.
-I don't know that
621
00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:30,954
-Yes.
-How much, are you easy to tell the difference?
622
00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:33,248
Not really, but I'm getting better at it.
623
00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:36,584
I know Tommy is 9, and Mary 3.
624
00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:37,877
[audience laughs]
625
00:30:38,503 --> 00:30:39,838
And he is black.
626
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:42,966
Your daughter is black
627
00:30:43,049 --> 00:30:46,135
Yes, it's hard
to explain to my wife
628
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:47,345
[audience laughs]
629
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:52,141
[audience claps]
630
00:30:58,314 --> 00:30:59,148
Wait what?
631
00:30:59,232 --> 00:31:03,695
p>
632
00:31:08,616 --> 00:31:10,827
Well, I have to swear up and down
that I don't sleep with black women.
633
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:13,788
Bubba J, your wife gave birth
to children
634
00:31:13,872 --> 00:31:15,915
I know, and he will be upset
when he comes out
635
00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:17,208
[audience laughs]
636
00:31:21,671 --> 00:31:23,548
Hey, are your twins stuck?
637
00:31:23,923 --> 00:31:24,883
[laughs]
638
00:31:25,925 --> 00:31:27,218
No, they don't come together.
639
00:31:27,302 --> 00:31:28,595
[laughs]
640
00:31:29,596 --> 00:31:30,430
What?
641
00:31:30,930 --> 00:31:33,141
They don't come together.
-Join?
642
00:31:34,642 --> 00:31:38,938
I like that.
"Here it is the child Dunham men.
Combined, one, one. "
643
00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:40,231
-But they don't?
-No.
644
00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:43,776
That's too bad, because you can get it
All of them are two-for-one special.
645
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:49,157
When you go out in public,
you don't have to say, "Stay together."
646
00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:53,119
Because they have joined,
fused, fused.
647
00:31:53,369 --> 00:31:54,829
No, they are not the Siamese twins.
648
00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,539
No, they are American twins.
649
00:31:56,623 --> 00:31:58,291
[audience laughs]
650
00:31:59,626 --> 00:32:01,210
[audience cheers]
651
00:32:05,256 --> 00:32:08,760
So, for twins, are you,
"chica, womp, womp," on twin beds?
652
00:32:13,973 --> 00:32:15,808
No, Bubba J. That's not how it works.
653
00:32:16,225 --> 00:32:18,895
The type of bed you have
doesn't affect children.
654
00:32:18,978 --> 00:32:21,314
I don't know
My brother is queen.
655
00:32:21,814 --> 00:32:23,149
[audience laughs]
656
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,743
>
657
00:32:34,827 --> 00:32:35,995
- And my sister is about the size of a king.
-Oh.
658
00:32:37,121 --> 00:32:38,873
[as Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.
659
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:40,124
- [in a normal voice] Why Do you have two?
-Good -
660
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:42,752
If you drop it?
661
00:32:42,835 --> 00:32:44,796
-No.
-My mama swears
662
00:32:45,713 --> 00:32:47,090
I'm not the twins dropped.
663
00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:48,591
Oh, so, you are also twins?
664
00:32:49,884 --> 00:32:51,844
[chuckles] no
665
00:32:51,928 --> 00:32:53,429
You said you were not the twins he dropped.
666
00:32:55,390 --> 00:32:56,224
Right, because I'm not a twin.
667
00:32:57,809 --> 00:32:59,769
-So, he really dropped you?
-Well, that's how it is.
668
00:33:01,437 --> 00:33:03,481
You're not really smart, right, Jeff?
669
00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:07,819
-Is the identical twin? < br /> - No, they are brotherhood.
670
00:33:07,902 --> 00:33:09,487
Oh, they are being loved.
671
00:33:10,071 --> 00:33:11,572
[audience laughs]
672
00:33:12,573 --> 00:33:15,118
I want to have more children than myself,
But my doctor said
673
00:33:15,201 --> 00:33:17,203
I am corigglers too drunk to swim.
674
00:33:18,329 --> 00:33:22,166
Yes, they are like drunk drivers who turn
from the road and hit bushes.
675
00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:23,751
p>
676
00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:36,973
[audience laughs]
677
00:33:37,056 --> 00:33:38,099
So, Bubba J, are you dating a lot of women
before you get married?
678
00:33:38,182 --> 00:33:40,768
Only my wife
679
00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:43,479
Oh, good for you
You marry your childhood lover.
680
00:33:43,563 --> 00:33:44,981
Oh no, I don't marry my dog.
681
00:33:45,732 --> 00:33:47,775
I mean the first girl
you fell in love with.
682
00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:50,236
Oh, you know, her stomach is pinched.
683
00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:51,779
Oh, she's a big girl?
684
00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:54,365
No, he is centerfold in the magazine.
685
00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:55,408
[audience laughs]
686
00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:07,336
Say, does your wife boob-feed your children?
687
00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:09,547
[laughs ] Breastfeeding
688
00:34:09,630 --> 00:34:10,923
[giggling]
689
00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:13,259
You said breasts
690
00:34:14,510 --> 00:34:16,054
-Yes, he did it
-In public?
691
00:34:16,137 --> 00:34:17,388
-Not much.
-Mine do.
692
00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:18,806
-Yes.
-I tried not to see.
693
00:34:18,890 --> 00:34:20,558
-Right.
-You don't should see.
694
00:34:20,641 --> 00:34:22,602
-Right.
-You are misguided if you see.
695
00:34:22,769 --> 00:34:24,604
-Right.
-that's where I wander
696
00:34:24,687 --> 00:34:25,730
very useful
697
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:27,398
[audience laughs]
698
00:34:28,441 --> 00:34:32,111
I look here,
But I also look here.
699
00:34:32,195 --> 00:34:35,490
What
Look at that!
[laughs]
700
00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:39,619
So, you have two toddlers at home
and also two children in college.
701
00:34:39,702 --> 00:34:41,287
-But.
-Think about this.
702
00:34:41,370 --> 00:34:42,872
Which one is vomiting?
703
00:34:42,955 --> 00:34:44,624
[Bubba J and the audience laugh]
704
00:34:46,709 --> 00:34:47,794
[Jeff] Hmm.
705
00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:57,720
So, these are five children from two marriages.
-But.
I have a mixed family.
706
00:34:58,137 --> 00:34:59,097
It's not mixed.
707
00:34:59,222 --> 00:35:02,892
I have a cousin who has a child
That's half a human and half a donkey.
708
00:35:02,975 --> 00:35:03,893
[laughs]
709
00:35:04,727 --> 00:35:06,229
It's mixed there.
710
00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:10,858
A Christmas Card they look like something
completely wrong in the manger.
711
00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:15,279
-Palungan?
-Well, I think it's a manger,
712
00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:18,741
Because every time someone looks
In the picture, they go, "Jesus Christ!"
713
00:35:18,825 --> 00:35:20,118
[audience laughs]
714
00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:23,037
[audience applauds]
715
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:29,877
Anything else happens?
716
00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:32,421
Well, I'm no longer looking for work.
717
00:35:32,672 --> 00:35:36,884
-Oh good.
So, you found a job?
-No, I'm no longer looking for work.
718
00:35:38,261 --> 00:35:39,929
Are there jobs that interest you?
719
00:35:40,012 --> 00:35:41,472
-Baik--
-What do you like to do?
720
00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:43,975
-I like doing this
-You like talking to other people?
721
00:35:44,058 --> 00:35:46,602
-Uhuh huh.
-How, do you face social problem?
722
00:35:46,686 --> 00:35:49,397
Well, one day, I was caught
something from a girl,
723
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,024
and it was itchy, so I had to get an injection.
724
00:35:55,862 --> 00:35:56,696
What?
725
00:35:56,904 --> 00:35:59,407
Not a social disease, a social issue.
726
00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:02,201
Oh, I think that is the same thing.
727
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:03,244
[audience laughs]
728
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:05,830
It's itchy, and it's a problem.
729
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:07,623
[audience laughs]
730
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:09,834
Especially socially.
731
00:36:11,586 --> 00:36:13,462
No, problems in society.
732
00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:16,257
Oh, yes, he has already spread it
around the damn community.
733
00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:19,927
Actually, I feel like scratching now.
734
00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:23,431
But my arm isn't long enough.
735
00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:27,560
[audience laughs]
736
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:32,440
Listen, Bubba J, have you ever got a job?
737
00:36:33,274 --> 00:36:34,859
You mean, from the girl?
738
00:36:38,654 --> 00:36:39,572
[laughs]
739
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:42,700
[audience cheers]
740
00:36:46,329 --> 00:36:47,663
No, paid work.
741
00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:49,665
Well, I offered him ten dollars.
742
00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:54,212
Listen, Bubba J, you like talking to other people,
and you care about them.
743
00:36:54,295 --> 00:36:56,297
-Yes.
- You pay attention to the community.
744
00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:58,633
-Sure.
- Well, you can be in politics.
745
00:36:58,716 --> 00:36:59,967
-I can?
-True.
746
00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:02,887
-I really want to get things done.
-Very?
747
00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:05,306
No, I'm just making love to you
I don't care
748
00:37:06,515 --> 00:37:08,684
Listen, aren't you worried
about Big Brother?
749
00:37:08,768 --> 00:37:10,603
Well, yes, that guy also my uncle.
750
00:37:15,858 --> 00:37:18,736
-Wait, your sister doesn't
-Don & apos; t even try.
751
00:37:20,488 --> 00:37:23,241
It's like arithmetic, it will wake you up.
752
00:37:24,784 --> 00:37:27,286
Look, Bubba J, in politics,
you have to give a speech.
753
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,288
-Could you do that?
-Oh yeah.
I memorized one.
754
00:37:29,372 --> 00:37:32,792
Ahem.
I didn't have sex with that woman.
755
00:37:32,875 --> 00:37:34,460
[audience laughed, then cheered]
756
00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:44,804
Bubba J, that reference
was almost 20 years
757
00:37:44,887 --> 00:37:45,846
-Very?
-Yes.
758
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:46,973
Oh well.
759
00:37:47,056 --> 00:37:50,101
I didn't have sex with that little girl.
760
00:37:52,895 --> 00:37:53,771
Oh damn it.
Too far?
761
00:37:53,854 --> 00:37:54,981
-Too far.
-Good.
762
00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:58,442
Do you have experience with debate?
763
00:37:58,526 --> 00:38:01,112
Oh, of course.
I use de-bait to catch fish.
764
00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:02,446
[laughs]
765
00:38:08,828 --> 00:38:11,956
And then I can draw some link-chain
between the US and Mexico
766
00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:13,791
and hired a defense secretary.
767
00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:15,584
[laughs]
768
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:18,004
I killed
Here are some nonsense, here.
769
00:38:19,005 --> 00:38:22,591
Listen, Bubba J, if you are in the office,
will you reduce the unemployment rate?
770
00:38:22,675 --> 00:38:24,051
Alright, after another.
771
00:38:27,388 --> 00:38:29,307
- Because I got the job
- I know.
772
00:38:33,269 --> 00:38:35,688
-What about other people?
-I will make another speech.
773
00:38:35,771 --> 00:38:38,607
Ahem.
Get a job, you lazy bastard !
774
00:38:40,067 --> 00:38:43,779
Listen, Bubba J, with your charm, I think
you can reach young people.
775
00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:46,949
Well, my uncle tried it.
He entered the list.
776
00:38:47,033 --> 00:38:48,200
[audience laughs]
777
00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:55,541
I say,
You have to go out and press the meat.
778
00:38:55,624 --> 00:38:57,793
-No, that's what he did.
-No no...
779
00:38:59,003 --> 00:39:01,130
You don't know
what is the meaning of "pressing meat"?
780
00:39:01,213 --> 00:39:04,759
Well, one day, I sit on my own bean.
That's it?
781
00:39:06,052 --> 00:39:07,553
I don't know how I did it.
782
00:39:08,471 --> 00:39:09,847
It must be hot.
783
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:12,641
It's never the same, you know.
784
00:39:13,267 --> 00:39:15,436
That's when my eyes were bent.
785
00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:16,687
[audience laughs]
786
00:39:17,146 --> 00:39:19,023
I'm drunk when that happens.
787
00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:23,277
I'm pretty sure that's where
the expression "peanut beer" comes from.
788
00:39:24,195 --> 00:39:27,448
-So good night, Bubba J.
-Thank you, Dublin!
789
00:39:27,531 --> 00:39:29,658
[audience cheers]
790
00:39:31,118 --> 00:39:32,203
-Good work.
- Thank you.
791
00:39:38,250 --> 00:39:40,544
Okay thank you.
792
00:39:41,754 --> 00:39:43,964
Women and men,
I have said it before,
793
00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:46,509
and I will say it again with pride.
794
00:39:46,675 --> 00:39:49,720
Please help me welcome
the world's favorite terrorist,
795
00:39:49,804 --> 00:39:51,889
Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
796
00:39:51,972 --> 00:39:53,265
[audience cheers]
797
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:09,824
Greetings, Irish infidels!
798
00:40:13,786 --> 00:40:15,037
Nice to meet you, Achmed.
799
00:40:15,121 --> 00:40:19,083
Oh, nice to meet you too,
Gentiles number one
800
00:40:20,042 --> 00:40:22,002
Thank you.
You're in a good mood.
Why?
801
00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:24,463
-I can't believe I'm here
-Why ?
802
00:40:24,547 --> 00:40:28,467
Because I'm being held at your airport
for days
803
00:40:28,551 --> 00:40:29,969
[audience laughs]
804
00:40:30,553 --> 00:40:31,720
Why are you arrested?
805
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:36,559
-Sue?
-Good -
806
00:40:36,642 --> 00:40:40,604
I was arrested, because everyone here
I thought I looked like a terrorist.
807
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:43,858
-But you are a terrorist .
-That is a racial profile.
808
00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:47,945
-But in this case, everyone is right.
-You violate my rights
809
00:40:48,028 --> 00:40:50,906
-What is the right?
You're a terrorist
-This is in your constitution .
810
00:40:50,990 --> 00:40:53,200
-We are not in the United States.
- Damn the same
811
00:40:54,660 --> 00:40:57,663
-What--?
-Both press the button.
812
00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:01,917
-Where is there.
-Freedom to collect dirt and blow it up.
813
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:02,960
[audience laughs]
814
00:41:03,043 --> 00:41:04,170
-Salah--
-Stopped laughing!
815
00:41:05,421 --> 00:41:06,755
What happened at the airport?
816
00:41:06,839 --> 00:41:09,842
I queued, and the Immigration officer left,
"We are checking you out."
817
00:41:09,925 --> 00:41:11,552
I have never heard that word, "squeeze "
818
00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:13,637
I thought he would kick dirt
on my dog
819
00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:15,681
-Wait, you have a dog?
-Yes.
820
00:41:15,764 --> 00:41:17,641
-What type?
-Pick-in-the-ass type.
821
00:41:18,350 --> 00:41:19,935
-Siapa namanya?
-Little Bastard.
822
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:23,731
-Why are you naming it?
-I think it's funny to say:
823
00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:25,107
"Come here, Little Bastard."
824
00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:28,444
-Is he a good dog?
-No .
825
00:41:28,527 --> 00:41:30,905
-Why?
-He always tries to play to pick me up.
826
00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:35,367
-That's good.
-No, not with me
With me.
827
00:41:35,659 --> 00:41:36,785
It's not funny.
828
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:37,953
[audience laughs]
829
00:41:38,037 --> 00:41:41,165
If I shout, "Take it, kid,"
He grabs my leg and run like hell.
830
00:41:41,665 --> 00:41:42,666
Stop laughing!
831
00:41:43,584 --> 00:41:45,586
You think the sand is on me
Is it from the desert?
832
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,214
No, Little Bastard buries my ass
on the damn beach
833
00:41:48,297 --> 00:41:49,590
[audience laughs]
834
00:41:50,466 --> 00:41:51,550
It's not funny.
835
00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:52,760
[audience claps]
836
00:41:57,723 --> 00:42:01,185
-So , what happened at the airport?
The Immigration person shouted at me.
837
00:42:01,268 --> 00:42:03,145
He said, "Why are you in this country?"
838
00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:05,439
-What are you saying?
-That's afraid of nonsense from me
839
00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:07,399
I panicked and only realized it.
840
00:42:07,483 --> 00:42:08,984
"I'm here to blow up the dirt."
841
00:42:10,694 --> 00:42:13,405
-That's when he arrested you?
-And he did a search for cavities.
842
00:42:13,948 --> 00:42:15,324
That's not funny .
Look at me.
843
00:42:15,407 --> 00:42:18,869
Find a place in me where there is a cavity
that I can hide stuff.
There's no place
844
00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:21,455
I don't even have cavity in my teeth.
845
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:25,334
-Very?
-No, I clean every meal.
Yes.
846
00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:28,128
-How, how about that?
-Not touching my turban.
847
00:42:28,212 --> 00:42:29,880
-What is down there?
-Where?
848
00:42:29,964 --> 00:42:31,465
[audience laughs]
849
00:42:34,593 --> 00:42:36,136
What is they laugh?
850
00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:37,930
-Well, I said, "down there."
-Well?
851
00:42:38,013 --> 00:42:39,348
And you say, "underwear."
852
00:42:41,642 --> 00:42:43,060
[audience laughs]
853
00:42:43,143 --> 00:42:44,478
What do they laugh at?
854
00:42:45,062 --> 00:42:47,439
You say you have underwear in your head You.
855
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:49,650
That's not even a sentence.
856
00:42:50,776 --> 00:42:51,819
-Clothing in.
-Where?
857
00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:53,195
No, underpants
858
00:42:53,654 --> 00:42:55,531
What ?
I don't wear underwear.
859
00:42:55,906 --> 00:42:56,824
Don't look
860
00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:57,825
[laughs]
861
00:42:58,450 --> 00:42:59,910
I'm free without a ball.
862
00:43:01,620 --> 00:43:03,122
[ Walter laughs]
863
00:43:03,247 --> 00:43:04,540
[audience laughs]
864
00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:12,881
So how are you from Immigration?
865
00:43:12,965 --> 00:43:15,175
Easy.
I put my foot
in my mouth Little Bastard
866
00:43:15,259 --> 00:43:16,510
and shouted, "Take it!"
867
00:43:17,636 --> 00:43:20,097
He dragged me all the way here.
This is me, yay.
868
00:43:20,889 --> 00:43:22,141
But now I headache.
869
00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:24,101
-Do you get sick?
- headache
870
00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:26,562
-You can get sick.
-That's just a headache.
871
00:43:26,645 --> 00:43:28,355
-That's really possible--
-Read my lips.
872
00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:29,982
I mean...
873
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:32,943
Dirt.
Read my teeth.
Read my bad teeth.
874
00:43:33,527 --> 00:43:35,863
-That's just a headache.
-Do you have enough water?
875
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:37,156
What?
876
00:43:37,531 --> 00:43:39,950
Some people aren't aware < br /> how important water is.
877
00:43:40,034 --> 00:43:43,704
This is very important.
And sometimes
If you don't drink it, you are dehydrated,
878
00:43:43,787 --> 00:43:46,999
You don't know it, you are sick head.
This is great for your skin.
879
00:43:47,082 --> 00:43:48,167
[audience laughs]
880
00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:49,335
Shut up!
881
00:43:50,085 --> 00:43:51,420
I kill you!
882
00:43:51,503 --> 00:43:52,421
[audience cheers]
883
00:43:57,134 --> 00:43:58,594
Oh thank you.
884
00:43:59,011 --> 00:43:59,928
Thank you.
885
00:44:00,262 --> 00:44:01,263
Thank you.
886
00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:03,766
Shut up, I killed you
Shut up, I killed you
887
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:05,100
Shut up, I killed you
888
00:44:05,309 --> 00:44:08,395
Shut up, I killed you
889
00:44:08,937 --> 00:44:10,564
Tercengang, kenapa kamu selalu bilang begitu?
890
00:44:10,648 --> 00:44:12,441
-What, "shut up, I killed you"?
-Yes.
891
00:44:12,524 --> 00:44:15,402
Because "hush, hush,
or I give you noogie" won't cut it.
892
00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:17,112
[audience laughs]
893
00:44:17,196 --> 00:44:18,614
How are you doing?
894
00:44:18,697 --> 00:44:22,451
Well, I'm angry, because
Facebook won't let me on Facebook.
895
00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:26,914
-Because you're a terrorist.
-No.
Because I don't have a face.
896
00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:28,415
[audience laughs]
897
00:44:33,337 --> 00:44:35,798
-Maybe I need more water. < br /> - Maybe.
898
00:44:41,303 --> 00:44:43,472
-What else bother you?
-I don't know.
899
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:46,433
72 of my virgins drive me crazy.
900
00:44:47,559 --> 00:44:48,894
- Why?
-Why?
901
00:44:48,977 --> 00:44:53,440
Do you know what happens when 72 women
all live in the same place together?
902
00:44:53,982 --> 00:44:56,735
We are suicide bombers
actually kill ourselves
903
00:44:56,819 --> 00:44:58,821
just to get away from angry virgins.
904
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:02,449
So, it's been a long time
that you already have it.
905
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:04,535
Are you still a virgin?
906
00:45:05,536 --> 00:45:06,453
[groans]
907
00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:09,081
I'm working on it.
908
00:45:10,624 --> 00:45:11,792
I'm tired.
909
00:45:12,543 --> 00:45:13,877
I just want to play golf.
910
00:45:15,379 --> 00:45:18,382
-Oh, you play golf?
-I hope.
I don't have equipment.
911
00:45:18,465 --> 00:45:19,800
[audience laughs]
912
00:45:20,300 --> 00:45:22,136
-No club?
-No putter
913
00:45:23,762 --> 00:45:24,847
No ball
914
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:28,225
There isn't even a bag.
915
00:45:28,308 --> 00:45:29,309
[audience laughs]
916
00:45:33,313 --> 00:45:34,690
[audience cheers]
917
00:45:38,610 --> 00:45:40,529
-What are they laughing at?
-Forget. p>
918
00:45:40,988 --> 00:45:44,116
And all those women,
I don't get younger.
919
00:45:44,199 --> 00:45:46,201
I'm like a tired diaper.
920
00:45:46,577 --> 00:45:48,871
-What?
- "Come on , take it while it's hot. "
921
00:45:51,123 --> 00:45:54,251
Do you at least enjoy
with 72 virgins?
922
00:45:54,334 --> 00:45:56,879
Yes, but I never remember
all their names
923
00:45:57,463 --> 00:46:00,299
Otherwise, how do you exclaim
for one of them individually?
924
00:46:00,382 --> 00:46:02,342
Hey, you, in the burka.
925
00:46:02,801 --> 00:46:04,178
[audience laughs]
926
00:46:04,803 --> 00:46:06,805
Then they all turn around
at the same time.
927
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:09,600
It's like a prairie dog with a hat.
928
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,605
If I have a hammer, I can play
a game the biggest whack-a-mole in the world.
929
00:46:14,688 --> 00:46:15,981
[audience laughs]
930
00:46:21,820 --> 00:46:22,905
Whack-a-virgin.
931
00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:26,533
Hey, isn't that Madonna's song?
932
00:46:30,746 --> 00:46:33,499
>
933
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:35,584
I understand your first wife with you
at first.
934
00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:40,297
And in the end.
[imitating an explosion]
935
00:46:42,341 --> 00:46:43,967
-So, what first made you interested in him?
-Then his beard.
936
00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:46,762
He has lots of facial hair?
937
00:46:48,347 --> 00:46:50,807
-I see.
-No, no, you don't want to see
938
00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:54,019
-What about that?
- My first wife is not a beautiful woman.
939
00:46:54,102 --> 00:46:55,354
-No?
-No.
In the mall,
940
00:46:55,437 --> 00:46:58,023
Santa Claus looks at him and goes,
"Ho-ho-holy shit."
941
00:46:58,106 --> 00:46:59,816
[audience laughs]
942
00:46:59,900 --> 00:47:02,444
-But your first wife--
-I don't care about her appearance,
943
00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:06,448
because on our first date,
I was far enough with him.
944
00:47:09,576 --> 00:47:13,205
-You mean you, like, kiss him?
-Oh, more than that.
945
00:47:14,164 --> 00:47:17,751
-Very?
-Yes.
I have to look at his ankles.
946
00:47:17,834 --> 00:47:19,670
[audience laughs]
947
00:47:27,803 --> 00:47:29,972
His ankle?
-Oh yeah.
Just thinking about it...
948
00:47:30,055 --> 00:47:31,515
p>
949
00:47:32,849 --> 00:47:35,185
[groaning]
950
00:47:36,603 --> 00:47:37,479
... gives me nothing.
951
00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:39,648
-Maybe I need more water.
-Perhaps.
952
00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:43,819
You know, I think
comedy and suicide bombings have a lot in common.
953
00:47:43,902 --> 00:47:45,070
-What about that?
-Timing.
954
00:47:45,153 --> 00:47:46,154
[audience laughs]
955
00:47:47,155 --> 00:47:49,533
Think about it.
I killed you.
[imitating an explosion] Perfect.
956
00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:51,785
I'm ki - [imitating an explosion] He is messed up.
957
00:47:53,620 --> 00:47:56,206
So, is your wife one of 72 virgins?
958
00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:59,668
No no No. > He was long before them.
Then he divorced me.
959
00:47:59,751 --> 00:48:01,962
-I'm sorry.
-No problem.
I got a goat
960
00:48:03,255 --> 00:48:06,258
-How things that happened lately?
-Oh, it's not [bleating] bad.
961
00:48:06,341 --> 00:48:07,593
[audience laughs]
962
00:48:07,676 --> 00:48:09,553
Oh, that got laughter.
963
00:48:10,929 --> 00:48:14,725
>
964
00:48:14,808 --> 00:48:17,561
-Very?
-Oh yeah.
He's also a suicide bomber.
965
00:48:17,644 --> 00:48:19,771
-You have a lot in common.
-Yeah, he's dead.
966
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:23,775
And when I say I want to jump the bone,
that's all he gets.
967
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:28,447
Yes, we have sex
sounds like horses on rocks
968
00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:32,659
[the audience clapped]
969
00:48:35,287 --> 00:48:37,956
When I gave him a back rub,
Sounds like a xylophone.
970
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:40,334
[imitating the xylophone]
971
00:48:41,001 --> 00:48:45,005
So , if you get 72 virgins,
What can a female suicide bomber do?
972
00:48:45,422 --> 00:48:46,256
Pot pan.
973
00:48:47,883 --> 00:48:49,593
-Non-stick
-It's great.
974
00:48:49,968 --> 00:48:52,554
But she's a very attractive woman.
975
00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:55,641
She claims that she has edible underwear.
976
00:48:57,768 --> 00:48:59,478
Oh, you've heard of this.
977
00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:04,232
Yes, but what is the taste of underwear that can be eaten
will a female terrorist?
978
00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:05,359
Cherry bomb
979
00:49:05,442 --> 00:49:06,860
[audience laughs]
980
00:49:14,534 --> 00:49:17,079
-You understand?
It's like two jokes.
-Yes.
981
00:49:17,162 --> 00:49:19,498
Hey, talk about that, how are the twins?
982
00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:21,667
[audience laughs]
983
00:49:22,459 --> 00:49:24,836
p>
984
00:49:25,545 --> 00:49:26,922
-Oh, damn it.
They light me up.
-Yeah, they do it.
985
00:49:27,005 --> 00:49:30,217
Boys are fine, thank you.
986
00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:31,218
But your wife is pregnant,
It must be surprising.
987
00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:35,097
-Surprising?
-Yes.
988
00:49:37,182 --> 00:49:39,559
You know, like looking for a land mine > still works even though it's very old.
989
00:49:41,269 --> 00:49:43,939
Chica, chica, womp, womp.
[imitates explosions]
990
00:49:44,439 --> 00:49:46,983
Two new little Dunham terrorists.
991
00:49:47,901 --> 00:49:50,487
-They aren't terrorists.
-Wait.
992
00:49:50,570 --> 00:49:52,864
Hey, when you hold
one of your little ones,
993
00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:55,742
you never know, anytime
he might leave
Explosion.
Bomb rotten
994
00:49:57,202 --> 00:49:59,663
-What are their names?
-Jack and James.
995
00:49:59,746 --> 00:50:01,790
[laughs]
996
00:50:01,873 --> 00:50:04,626
You're so damn white
Oh my God.
997
00:50:04,710 --> 00:50:06,044
[audience laughs]
998
00:50:06,670 --> 00:50:08,463
Jack and James?
999
00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:09,923
[audience claps]
1000
00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:17,055
Sounds like nursery rhymes
1001
00:50:18,181 --> 00:50:22,477
> for two gay children
1002
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:25,981
[singing] Jack and James come out the door
To pick up a bucket of lattes
1003
00:50:26,064 --> 00:50:28,191
What is the name of your children?
1004
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:30,318
Achmed Junior,
Dear Junior Junior,
1005
00:50:32,362 --> 00:50:34,531
Achmed Junior, JR and Steve.
1006
00:50:36,783 --> 00:50:39,453
-Steve?
-One of the white virgins.
1007
00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:41,496
One of my boys is getting ready
to get past puberty
1008
00:50:41,580 --> 00:50:42,414
They never listen.
1009
00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:45,959
-You have to repeat things over and over again.
-What kind of thing?
1010
00:50:46,042 --> 00:50:49,087
The same thing my father
usually tell me all the time.
1011
00:50:49,171 --> 00:50:51,548
-What is that?
- "Stop pulling your dynamite
1012
00:50:56,553 --> 00:50:57,721
This will explode.
1013
00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:01,224
And then you will be blind . "
1014
00:51:01,308 --> 00:51:02,392
[audience laughs]
1015
00:51:03,059 --> 00:51:04,519
[audience claps]
1016
00:51:09,399 --> 00:51:11,109
Stunned, when my daughter was young,
1017
00:51:11,193 --> 00:51:13,361
one their favorite game
"doused your nose."
1018
00:51:13,445 --> 00:51:15,030
You've played...
1019
00:51:15,113 --> 00:51:16,156
[audience laughs]
1020
00:51:17,407 --> 00:51:20,327
I'm serious about killing you
after this performance
1021
00:51:21,495 --> 00:51:23,413
So, Achmed, what are your parents like?
1022
00:51:23,747 --> 00:51:27,667
Well, after my father went to work,
I didn't see much of him.
1023
00:51:28,168 --> 00:51:29,419
[audience laughs]
1024
00:51:34,299 --> 00:51:35,133
Where did he go?
1025
00:51:35,217 --> 00:51:37,844
There, there, up there, up there,
There, there.
1026
00:51:39,095 --> 00:51:39,971
That...
1027
00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:41,807
[audience claps]
1028
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:45,435
That's bad.
1029
00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,854
Yes.
So now,
whenever there is a sandstorm,
1030
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:49,356
I'm like, "Daddy."
1031
00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:50,941
[audience laughs]
1032
00:51:51,691 --> 00:51:54,986
Stunned, there's been a sense of curiosity
about you in the last ten years.
1033
00:51:55,070 --> 00:51:58,532
I often ask questions about you.
Will you tell the story of your life?
1034
00:51:58,615 --> 00:51:59,866
-Like in the book?
-Yes.
1035
00:51:59,950 --> 00:52:02,077
Oh, it will be great.
Once upon a time...
1036
00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:03,245
[imitate the explosion] End.
1037
00:52:04,746 --> 00:52:06,081
If you can go back to the past,
1038
00:52:06,164 --> 00:52:08,708
Will you do anything differently
or change?
1039
00:52:08,792 --> 00:52:10,210
I will cut the other wire.
1040
00:52:10,293 --> 00:52:11,837
[audience laughs]
1041
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:13,171
That's not funny!
1042
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:16,383
Well, is there a good death for you?
1043
00:52:16,466 --> 00:52:20,929
Well, it's near the hospital,
So technically, I'm an organ donor.
1044
00:52:21,012 --> 00:52:22,389
[audience laughs]
1045
00:52:26,268 --> 00:52:29,938
Yes, for hospital staff,
It's like hunting dirty Easter eggs.
1046
00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:36,278
But now without skin,
/> I can't get the tattoo that I always want.
1047
00:52:36,361 --> 00:52:38,864
-What is the tattoo?
-The skull and crossbones.
1048
00:52:38,947 --> 00:52:39,990
[audience laughs]
1049
00:52:40,073 --> 00:52:41,032
Not funny!
1050
00:52:42,117 --> 00:52:43,577
Or maybe a face!
1051
00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:46,329
-Covered with water!
-Maybe.
1052
00:52:47,455 --> 00:52:50,542
Damn.
Remind me
not to blow myself again.
1053
00:52:51,251 --> 00:52:53,003
Well, things can get worse.
1054
00:52:53,211 --> 00:52:54,337
How can they get worse?
1055
00:52:54,421 --> 00:52:57,340
Well, I can find my mother
is a prostitute
1056
00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:59,217
and my real father is Walter.
1057
00:52:59,301 --> 00:53:01,303
[audience laughs]
1058
00:53:04,598 --> 00:53:05,682
[laughs]
1059
00:53:09,269 --> 00:53:11,563
Sucks for you
1060
00:53:12,105 --> 00:53:15,358
Achmed, one of the biggest topics now
that everyone is worried
1061
00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:18,278
p>
1062
00:53:18,361 --> 00:53:20,113
is that scary group
who wants to take over the world
1063
00:53:20,196 --> 00:53:21,406
Yes, the Kardashian.
1064
00:53:26,578 --> 00:53:27,454
[audience laughs]
1065
00:53:31,833 --> 00:53:34,836
No.
1066
00:53:35,170 --> 00:53:38,506
-No, ISIS.
-Oh, those people.
1067
00:53:38,590 --> 00:53:41,384
-Do you ever been in ISIS?
-No, I'm in the fringe group smaller ones.
1068
00:53:42,969 --> 00:53:45,013
We just blow things up.
We call ourselves Tali-bam!
1069
00:53:45,096 --> 00:53:46,598
But I love Kardashians.
1070
00:53:46,681 --> 00:53:48,558
-You do ?
-Oh, of course.
1071
00:53:49,643 --> 00:53:51,269
It's a scary family.
1072
00:53:51,853 --> 00:53:53,688
I can't stop watching their shows.
1073
00:53:54,230 --> 00:53:55,106
Very? /> Who is your favorite Kardashian?
1074
00:53:56,858 --> 00:53:58,360
No, it's Kanye.
He's Western.
1075
00:53:58,902 --> 00:54:00,654
I'm pretty sure he's in the south.
1076
00:54:02,155 --> 00:54:03,698
-No direction.
-No direction?
1077
00:54:03,782 --> 00:54:05,492
-No direction.
-Which direction?
1078
00:54:05,784 --> 00:54:06,660
None
1079
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,912
No?
-Well, one direction.
1080
00:54:08,995 --> 00:54:10,205
He is in the boy band?
1081
00:54:10,288 --> 00:54:11,581
[audience laughs]
1082
00:54:11,665 --> 00:54:13,041
No, I said he was Western.
1083
00:54:13,124 --> 00:54:15,210
Okay, I guess.
He certainly doesn't go north.
1084
00:54:15,293 --> 00:54:16,670
-No, it's his daughter.
-No.
1085
00:54:23,718 --> 00:54:25,512
[audience cheers]
1086
00:54:29,224 --> 00:54:31,142
His daughter is in the north ?
1087
00:54:31,226 --> 00:54:32,519
No, her daughter is a North person.
1088
00:54:32,602 --> 00:54:33,937
That's what I said.
1089
00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:35,605
Her daughter is North West.
1090
00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:39,526
She is fast.
1091
00:54:41,361 --> 00:54:43,154
-No.
-Is he still on the west side?
1092
00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:44,197
-No.
-No, right?
1093
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:45,407
No, he's a person West.
1094
00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:46,992
What are you, Italian
1095
00:54:47,867 --> 00:54:50,370
[in an Italian accent] "I don't care
if he is north or south."
1096
00:54:51,413 --> 00:54:53,415
No, he is Western, but he is not west.
1097
00:54:53,498 --> 00:54:55,500
His daughter is North,
But he is also a Westerner.
1098
00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:57,919
So, he is in the North West,
and the whole family is Western.
1099
00:55:01,631 --> 00:55:05,176
[in a normal voice ] You finally start
Experimenting with crack, right?
1100
00:55:05,260 --> 00:55:06,761
[audience laughs]
1101
00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:09,431
-But Kim is Kanye's wife.
-Yes.
1102
00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:11,349
-Where is he?
-I don't know.
1103
00:55:11,933 --> 00:55:13,560
But you know someone else is in the west.
1104
00:55:15,145 --> 00:55:16,563
-He also.
-A -ha!
1105
00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:18,231
Wait.
1106
00:55:18,314 --> 00:55:19,399
[laughs]
1107
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,402
-Do you know who Kim's stepfather is?
-No.
1108
00:55:22,485 --> 00:55:23,778
She's a beautiful woman.
1109
00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:25,405
[audience laughs]
1110
00:55:25,989 --> 00:55:27,490
Stop making love to me!
1111
00:55:28,283 --> 00:55:29,492
I killed you from here!
1112
00:55:31,953 --> 00:55:33,079
Not funny!
1113
00:55:35,373 --> 00:55:37,625
And you make it worse,
because I'm bad
1114
00:55:37,834 --> 00:55:40,462
-You mean hungry?
-No, hangry
I'm hungry and angry.
1115
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,131
You look a little thin.
1116
00:55:44,340 --> 00:55:45,216
Shut up!
1117
00:55:46,468 --> 00:55:48,636
-Do you eat today?
Oh.
Just have breakfast.
1118
00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:50,889
-Cereal.
-What is your favorite breakfast?
1119
00:55:51,473 --> 00:55:52,307
Life.
1120
00:55:52,390 --> 00:55:53,850
[audience laughs]
1121
00:55:53,933 --> 00:55:57,353
And then I usually add some grapes.
just so I can say I have some.
1122
00:55:57,437 --> 00:55:58,938
[audience laughs]
1123
00:55:59,022 --> 00:55:59,939
Not funny!
1124
00:56:01,107 --> 00:56:03,485
- Do you like ethnic food?
-Mexico.
1125
00:56:03,568 --> 00:56:05,403
-I, I also like Mexican food.
-Yes.
1126
00:56:05,487 --> 00:56:08,698
So, if you like Mexican, < br /> do you like tacos that are soft or crispy?
1127
00:56:10,158 --> 00:56:11,659
[audience laughs]
1128
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:19,375
Uh, in this case,
do you use tacos as a metaphor?
1129
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:20,627
[audience laughs]
1130
00:56:21,628 --> 00:56:24,839
Because your answer
will determine my answer
1131
00:56:27,008 --> 00:56:28,259
-No.
-Caring.
1132
00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:29,177
Good.
1133
00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:31,763
-Yes.
-Soft.
1134
00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:37,852
I'm sure there are some school dropouts here
it's very confused
1135
00:56:38,728 --> 00:56:41,481
"I think a metaphor
is the new type of Mercedes."
1136
00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:42,565
[groans]
1137
00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:46,903
"Mercedes Metaphor Class.
It's like something else."
1138
00:56:50,406 --> 00:56:51,533
[laughs]
1139
00:56:54,577 --> 00:56:58,164
You know, in all honesty, sometimes < br /> In this place, I don't feel safe.
1140
00:56:58,248 --> 00:56:59,666
- A little outnumbered?
-Yes.
1142
00:57:00,667 --> 00:57:03,002
I have to have some sort of signal
if I need help
1143
00:57:03,586 --> 00:57:07,048
Well, I've watched in movies
Where do they tell a man to blink very fast
1144
00:57:07,132 --> 00:57:08,299
if he feels in danger
1145
00:57:08,383 --> 00:57:10,343
Oh okay.
[panting]
1146
00:57:10,426 --> 00:57:12,637
[audience laughs]
1147
00:57:18,351 --> 00:57:20,061
Bastard!
1148
00:57:21,479 --> 00:57:25,650
p>
1149
00:57:26,151 --> 00:57:27,735
Bubba J's arm is too short
and I don't have eyelids!
1150
00:57:27,944 --> 00:57:29,529
Maybe I need more water!
1151
00:57:29,612 --> 00:57:31,531
Maybe.
Say goodbye night, Achmed.
1152
00:57:31,614 --> 00:57:33,199
Thank you, Dublin!
1153
00:57:36,244 --> 00:57:37,412
[audience cheering]
1154
00:57:42,542 --> 00:57:44,335
I killed you!
1155
00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:46,129
And now for the last man us tonight.
1156
00:57:46,212 --> 00:57:47,922
She's purple, she's weird.
1157
00:57:48,006 --> 00:57:49,424
Please help me welcome my friend, peanut
1158
00:57:55,597 --> 00:57:57,432
[audience cheers]
1159
00:57:57,515 --> 00:57:59,934
-How are you, peanuts?
-Good.
How are you doing?
1160
00:58:00,018 --> 00:58:01,060
-I'm fine.
-That's good.
That's good
1161
00:58:01,144 --> 00:58:05,398
[laughs]
1162
00:58:05,482 --> 00:58:07,192
Two babies of your age,
what happened?
1163
00:58:07,734 --> 00:58:10,570
Nobody has ever told you
about birds and bees?
1164
00:58:10,653 --> 00:58:13,615
Yup, but nobody mentioned
birds and dinosaurs.
1165
00:58:13,698 --> 00:58:14,741
[laughs]
1166
00:58:15,450 --> 00:58:17,619
I wonder what their first words
will become
1167
00:58:17,702 --> 00:58:19,996
-Mama?
Chest?
-More like, "Grandpa."
1168
00:58:20,079 --> 00:58:21,122
[laughs]
1169
00:58:22,081 --> 00:58:24,459
Don't worry, you might be deaf
at that moment too.
1170
00:58:25,335 --> 00:58:26,169
Grandpa.
1171
00:58:27,253 --> 00:58:29,756
Hey , all of you can share
the same baby food.
1172
00:58:30,548 --> 00:58:32,217
-we eat your nonsense
-Continue.
1173
00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:35,595
-Is it difficult to distinguish the twins?
- Not everything.
1174
00:58:35,678 --> 00:58:38,181
But soon, it will be difficult for you
to distinguish everything
1175
00:58:38,264 --> 00:58:41,726
"No, Dad, it's a toilet plunger.
It's not a plate dog on a stick. "
1176
00:58:42,810 --> 00:58:44,229
At your age, play catch
1177
00:58:44,312 --> 00:58:47,106
Means trying to stop Dad
from falling down the stairs.
1178
00:58:47,774 --> 00:58:49,734
-You don't have balance
-Continue.
1179
00:58:50,235 --> 00:58:52,195
I have to see them
take their first step
1180
00:58:52,278 --> 00:58:54,697
Yes, they can watch over you
take the last one
1181
00:58:54,781 --> 00:58:55,823
[audience laughs]
1182
00:59:04,290 --> 00:59:06,626
Great thing for them
is when they behave badly,
1183
00:59:06,709 --> 00:59:08,711
you won't remember what they did wrong.
1184
00:59:08,795 --> 00:59:12,799
"If I say first,
I told you a thousand times nonsense." / p>
1185
00:59:12,882 --> 00:59:15,218
- [laughs] You're senile.
-Continue.
1186
00:59:15,927 --> 00:59:18,263
I can't wait to take it
to their first game
1187
00:59:18,346 --> 00:59:19,889
What, bingo
[laughs]
1188
00:59:21,224 --> 00:59:22,892
-So you're home.
-Continue.
1189
00:59:23,768 --> 00:59:26,271
Will they ride above
behind your motorcycle
No.
1190
00:59:26,354 --> 00:59:28,648
The back of your electric scooter.
Yay!
1191
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:32,110
"Come on, Dad, let's run away
the extension cable again." Yay!
1192
00:59:32,193 --> 00:59:33,778
Thick, thud, yay!
1193
00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:37,115
You don't need to take them to Disneyland.
You can put it in your chair.
1194
00:59:37,198 --> 00:59:39,450
[buzzing]
1195
00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:41,411
-You can't use stairs.
-Continue.
1196
00:59:41,494 --> 00:59:42,537
[laughs]
1197
00:59:42,912 --> 00:59:43,871
Stop.
1198
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:44,998
Play hide and seek?
1199
00:59:45,081 --> 00:59:49,127
No , because you will forget
what you are looking for
1200
00:59:49,210 --> 00:59:50,587
[audience laughs]
1201
00:59:51,379 --> 00:59:53,464
[audience cheers]
1202
00:59:54,048 --> 00:59:55,091
[laughs]
1203
00:59:58,803 --> 01:00:02,098
You will be so old when your children
are ready to hear sex talk,
1204
01:00:02,181 --> 01:00:03,391
You will tell them:
1205
01:00:03,474 --> 01:00:05,768
"When men and women
love each other very much,
1206
01:00:05,852 --> 01:00:07,353
The man took the blue pill.
1207
01:00:09,314 --> 01:00:11,024
Waiting to kick,
1208
01:00:11,107 --> 01:00:13,484
then lower the fence
in her bed.
1209
01:00:14,819 --> 01:00:17,363
Throw her legs to this side
and break her hips. "
1210
01:00:18,364 --> 01:00:20,700
Wow, smash your hips
right after drinking Viagra
1211
01:00:20,783 --> 01:00:24,454
" Well, before we give the cast, Sir,
we have to wait four hours. "
1212
01:00:25,246 --> 01:00:26,748
-You got worse.
-Continue.
1213
01:00:27,790 --> 01:00:29,917
Don't ever give them the conversation.
1214
01:00:30,001 --> 01:00:32,420
Nobody wants to hear sex talk < br /> from their grandfather
1215
01:00:32,795 --> 01:00:34,088
I'm not their grandfather.
1216
01:00:34,172 --> 01:00:36,966
Hey, if it's like a duck
and walks like a duck...
1217
01:00:37,550 --> 01:00:39,052
- You damn duck.
-Continue.
1218
01:00:40,136 --> 01:00:41,971
- Damn quake.
-Continue.
1219
01:00:42,055 --> 01:00:42,972
[laughs]
1220
01:00:43,598 --> 01:00:44,557
Stop it!
1221
01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:46,684
I feel sorry for your son,
1222
01:00:46,768 --> 01:00:48,978
Because when they are old enough
To go to school,
1223
01:00:49,062 --> 01:00:51,689
Another boy will say,
"My father can beat your father."
1224
01:00:51,773 --> 01:00:54,275
They will say, "We can beat
our own father.
1225
01:00:55,276 --> 01:00:57,779
Just have to knock him
get out of his wheelchair first."
1226
01:00:58,988 --> 01:01:00,490
Then you will lie down
on the ground shouting:
1227
01:01:00,573 --> 01:01:04,035
"Help me my 5-year-old children
kick my ass and I can't wake up!"
1228
01:01:04,118 --> 01:01:05,787
- Because you're weak < br /> - Stop.
1229
01:01:06,537 --> 01:01:08,456
-You will bring them dogs?
-Finally.
1230
01:01:08,539 --> 01:01:09,582
No, get them dogs now.
1231
01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:12,168
Get they are Shar-Pei,
one of the dogs is defensive.
1232
01:01:12,251 --> 01:01:13,252
Why are dogs like that?
1233
01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:14,504
Well, when they are teenagers,
1234
01:01:14,587 --> 01:01:17,215
everyone will accustomed to having
some tangled things
1235
01:01:17,298 --> 01:01:19,384
wandering around the house
crashing into a wall.
1236
01:01:19,926 --> 01:01:21,302
-Kamu.
-Continue.
1237
01:01:22,220 --> 01:01:23,429
-But they are healthy?
.
1238
01:01:23,513 --> 01:01:25,515
-Nice, 20 fingers and 20 toes?
-Yes.
1239
01:01:25,598 --> 01:01:28,101
-Two bats and four balls?
- [chuckles] huh? / p>
1240
01:01:29,227 --> 01:01:31,312
-You will take them to the tour bus?
-Perhaps.
1241
01:01:31,396 --> 01:01:33,564
Be like us and make them sleep
in the suitcase?
1242
01:01:33,773 --> 01:01:35,608
- Because you bastards
-Continue.
1243
01:01:36,651 --> 01:01:38,820
Make sure you teach them
how to tell time
1244
01:01:38,903 --> 01:01:39,987
I will.
But why?
1245
01:01:40,071 --> 01:01:42,490
So, they will know when to give you
your medicine
1246
01:01:42,573 --> 01:01:44,075
[audience laughs]
1247
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:45,660
-Do they speak?
-No.
1248
01:01:45,743 --> 01:01:47,829
But we start
to see everything we say,
1249
01:01:47,912 --> 01:01:50,289
Because finally,
they repeat everything they hear
1250
01:01:50,373 --> 01:01:52,667
What will they face
to say?
1251
01:01:52,750 --> 01:01:54,210
Juice prune.
1252
01:01:55,503 --> 01:01:57,755
Osteoporosis.
1253
01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:00,425
-Funeral settings.
- Stop it.
1254
01:02:01,843 --> 01:02:03,761
Have you proven that house?
1255
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:06,389
-Everything except a few antiques.
-What, you and your mother?
1256
01:02:06,472 --> 01:02:07,765
[laughs ]
1257
01:02:07,932 --> 01:02:09,767
-Because you're both farting old.
-Continue.
1258
01:02:11,144 --> 01:02:14,105
Think about how old you are later
When you teach them to drive.
1259
01:02:14,188 --> 01:02:15,898
-Will be fine.
-No, it won't.
1260
01:02:15,982 --> 01:02:19,485
They will learn to drive
if their indicator is always active
1261
01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:23,823
When they graduate from high school, < br /> You will give them wheels?
1262
01:02:23,906 --> 01:02:26,075
-Maybe.
-What, which of your walking aids?
[laughs]
1263
01:02:26,868 --> 01:02:29,120
- and two balls damn tennis.
-Continue.
1264
01:02:29,787 --> 01:02:33,166
So, with the kids in that house
chica, womp, womp, kind of affected?
1265
01:02:33,249 --> 01:02:36,419
-Little.
-Yeah, right now: chica, womp, womp, womp.
1266
01:02:37,044 --> 01:02:39,881
You used to like music
like Sade and Luther Vandross.
1267
01:02:39,964 --> 01:02:43,134
Now you do it for sound
from a baby monitor
1268
01:02:43,217 --> 01:02:45,386
Chica, chica, womp, womp, [crunching]
1269
01:02:46,721 --> 01:02:50,016
You light a candle, but now that's right
to eliminate the smell of diapers.
1270
01:02:50,099 --> 01:02:51,350
-Yes.
-Not only boys & apos;.
1271
01:02:55,396 --> 01:02:57,982
What is the wife's signal?
when is she ready to love?
1272
01:02:58,065 --> 01:03:00,902
Does he coyly
remove spit from his shoulder?
1273
01:03:01,486 --> 01:03:02,653
"Hello dad.
1274
01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:06,365
I can change your diaper.
1275
01:03:07,658 --> 01:03:09,202
Want to drink? "
1276
01:03:12,246 --> 01:03:15,041
Oh, like you never thought about that.
1277
01:03:15,833 --> 01:03:18,461
Will you be one of them
Daddy is really careful
1278
01:03:18,544 --> 01:03:21,214
-What does that mean?
-Kids wearing knee pads and helmets.
1279
01:03:21,297 --> 01:03:22,673
-Maybe.
I mean, it should be.
1280
01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:24,717
You don't have it when you were a child.
1281
01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:26,052
-No.
-May affect you.
1282
01:03:26,135 --> 01:03:26,969
No.
1283
01:03:29,013 --> 01:03:30,515
[audience laughs]
1284
01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:35,061
Jeff.
1285
01:03:36,604 --> 01:03:38,147
You talk to me
1286
01:03:38,231 --> 01:03:39,816
[laughing audience ]
1287
01:03:47,365 --> 01:03:48,699
This is not real.
1288
01:03:51,369 --> 01:03:54,247
I know.
It's hard for you to accept,
no?
1289
01:03:56,415 --> 01:03:58,209
You should have worn a helmet damn it.
1290
01:03:58,292 --> 01:03:59,418
[audience laughs]
1291
01:04:01,379 --> 01:04:02,547
[audience claps]
1292
01:04:09,804 --> 01:04:11,430
Are you--?
What are you doing?
1293
01:04:12,390 --> 01:04:13,891
p>
1294
01:04:15,810 --> 01:04:16,894
It's annoying
1295
01:04:18,521 --> 01:04:19,480
It's awkward.
1296
01:04:21,524 --> 01:04:22,608
I know.
1297
01:04:23,693 --> 01:04:24,777
I don't like this.
1298
01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:27,905
Exactly.
1299
01:04:29,156 --> 01:04:30,616
>
1300
01:04:30,700 --> 01:04:32,410
If I'm closer...
1301
01:04:35,037 --> 01:04:38,332
-Repeat.
-I can kick your ass
1302
01:04:40,209 --> 01:04:41,252
What's wrong with you?
1303
01:04:41,335 --> 01:04:42,253
[laughs]
1304
01:04:42,336 --> 01:04:43,212
Stop it.
1305
01:04:46,424 --> 01:04:48,134
[audience laughs]
1306
01:04:59,645 --> 01:05:01,272
What is that?!
1307
01:05:01,856 --> 01:05:03,149
Is that my hair?!
1308
01:05:04,108 --> 01:05:05,276
Put it again!
1309
01:05:10,990 --> 01:05:13,659
-Give me back!
-You know how this works, right?
1310
01:05:14,911 --> 01:05:16,829
-What?
-You have a hole in your head.
1312
01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:21,834
I hope so .
1313
01:05:22,793 --> 01:05:23,628
[Peanut] Wait,
1314
01:05:23,711 --> 01:05:25,880
-I just asked if this would hurt.
-Yes.
1315
01:05:25,963 --> 01:05:28,174
I don't bet anyone < br /> ever asked that before
1316
01:05:28,257 --> 01:05:29,634
[audience laughs]
1317
01:05:37,683 --> 01:05:40,353
Okay, here it is
Here's what you hear a lot.
1318
01:05:40,436 --> 01:05:41,395
Have you been ?
1319
01:05:41,979 --> 01:05:43,272
[audience laughs]
1320
01:05:45,858 --> 01:05:47,234
Say good night, Peanuts.
1321
01:05:47,318 --> 01:05:49,320
Thank you, Dublin!
1322
01:05:49,403 --> 01:05:50,905
[audience cheers]
1323
01:05:53,491 --> 01:05:55,409
[Black Star Rider;
"Soldierstown" plays]
1324
01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:11,926
â € ª They know he is bound to Soldierstown
This written on month â ™ ª
1325
01:06:12,009 --> 01:06:15,846
â ™ ª They pull all window coverings down
Listen to the fear of the song â ™ ª
1326
01:06:15,930 --> 01:06:19,684
â ™ ª He will sing the song with enampence < br /> Break the fist above the door â ™ ª
1327
01:06:19,767 --> 01:06:23,562
â ™ ª They know the score in Soldierstown
He has gone here before â ™ ª
1328
01:06:23,646 --> 01:06:27,149
â ™ ª No no choice, no compromise
Submit one of your relatives â ™ ™
1329
01:06:27,233 --> 01:06:30,736
â ™ ª To save other children
To save bones and skin â ™ ª
1330
01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:34,490
â ™ ª Tonight night, you have to decide
Which child will stay or go â ™ ª
1331
01:06:34,573 --> 01:06:38,953
â ™ ª Devil goes up in Soldierstown
His boots pierce the snow â € ™ ª
1332
01:06:45,918 --> 01:06:49,755
â ™ ª Shadow falls in the window
Pray that he can pass â ™ ª
1333
01:06:49,839 --> 01:06:53,467
â ™ engarkan Listen to the death knell
His breath on the glass â € ™ ª
1334
01:06:53,551 --> 01:06:57,096
â ™ ª You all must lose your finger city residents understand â ™ ™
1335
01:06:57,179 --> 01:07:00,975
â ™ ª Now every son and daughter
has been taken at night â ™ ª
1336
01:07:15,614 --> 01:07:19,243
â ™ ª Sekarang setiap putra dan putri
Telah diambil di malam hari â ™ ª
1337
01:07:19,660 --> 01:07:23,330
â ™ uk Cursed, they say, to be slaughtered
If they dare to fight â ™ ª
1338
01:07:23,414 --> 01:07:27,209
â ™ ª It's midnight in Soldierstown
There is a knock on the door â ª
1339
01:07:27,293 --> 01:07:30,671
ª The youngest child pushed out in the snow
To save the other four â ™ ª
1340
01:07:30,755 --> 01:07:34,550
â ™ ª You can hear shouts in the city of Belfast
Or so the story is â ™ ª
1341
01:07:34,633 --> 01:07:38,179
â ™ ª You can track the set of footprints
In winter the deepest snow is â ™ ª
1342
01:07:38,262 --> 01:07:42,308
â ™ ª Nothing here in Soldierstown
Save misery and pain â ™ ª
1343
01:07:42,391 --> 01:07:46,353
â ™ ª Plants all fail in Soldierstown
They never grow again â ™ ª
1344
01:08:16,133 --> 01:08:19,762
â ™ asing Foreigners, although misunderstood
Must come to save their young people â ™ â
1345
01:08:19,845 --> 01:08:23,349
â ™ ª To steal them from their poverty
Turn their faces to the sun â ™ ª
1346
01:08:23,432 --> 01:08:25,309
â ™ ª To the place of law
And love is taught â ™ ª
1347
01:08:25,392 --> 01:08:27,144
â ™ ª And peace, it overflows â ™ ª
1348
01:08:27,228 --> 01:08:30,898
â ™ ª A father's night without a soul
Meet strangers on the road â ™ ª
1349
01:08:30,981 --> 01:08:34,652
â ™ ung I will fight until one of us dies
He shouts into his face â ™ ª
1350
01:08:34,735 --> 01:08:38,280
â ™ ª "I admire your noble ideas"
Said the stranger, touched by the grace of â ™ ª
1351
01:08:38,364 --> 01:08:41,992
â ™ ª But please let me show you
Where is the young you gave me to play â ™ ª
1352
01:08:42,076 --> 01:08:46,330
â ™ ª In the meadow filled with laughter
Grow wiser on the day â ™ ª
1353
01:09:00,761 --> 01:09:04,849
â ™ ª One day your child can save all of you
From hell Soldierstown â ™ ª
1354
01:09:04,932 --> 01:09:08,561
â ™ ª "But bring him back," shouted a stranger that
His patience is using down â ™ ª
1355
01:09:08,644 --> 01:09:12,481
â € œ strangers come to Soldierstown
If 20 years have passed â ™ ª
1356
01:09:12,565 --> 01:09:17,444
â ™ ª Search for his father
Slow breathing on glass â ™ ª
1357
01:09:27,580 --> 01:09:31,417
â ™ ª No choice, no compromise
Submit one of your relatives â ™ ª
1358
01:09:31,500 --> 01:09:35,129
â ™ ª To save other children
To save bones and skin â ™ ª
1359
01:09:35,212 --> 01:09:38,632
â ™ ª Last night, you had to decide
Which child would stay or go â ™ ª
1360
01:09:38,716 --> 01:09:42,678
â ™ ª Devil ride on Soldierstown
His boots penetrate snow â ™ ª
1361
01:09:42,761 --> 01:09:46,223
â ™ ª You can hear shouts in the city of Belfast
/> Or that's the story â ™ ª
1362
01:09:46,307 --> 01:09:50,019
â ™ ª You can track the set of footprints
In winter the deepest snow is â ™ ª
1363
01:09:50,102 --> 01:09:53,439
â ™ ª Nothing nothing here in Soldierstown
Save misery and pain â ™ ª
1364
01:09:53,814 --> 01:09:58,235
â ™ ª Devil riding in Soldierstown
He smiles once more â ™ ª
1365
01:10:14,460 --> 01:10:16,420
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