1 00:00:59,445 --> 00:01:02,812 And now, the last finalist, 2 00:01:02,849 --> 00:01:08,345 three-time champion Charlyne Phuc. 3 00:01:14,060 --> 00:01:15,856 Excuse me. 4 00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:19,593 Ah! 5 00:01:19,632 --> 00:01:22,430 First word: Logorrhea. 6 00:01:27,473 --> 00:01:28,997 Logorrhea, um... 7 00:01:29,041 --> 00:01:32,272 L- o-g-o-r-r... 8 00:01:32,311 --> 00:01:36,475 w- wait... 9 00:01:38,984 --> 00:01:40,475 Logorrhea... 10 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,081 like diarrhea, but different. 11 00:01:44,123 --> 00:01:48,992 I mean, they're both kind of like a spray, 12 00:01:49,028 --> 00:01:52,394 but logorrhea, that's a spray of words 13 00:01:52,431 --> 00:01:53,956 from the mouth, you know? 14 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,696 And, like, diarrhea, which is also a spray, 15 00:01:57,736 --> 00:02:01,571 but it comes from a different orifice. 16 00:02:01,607 --> 00:02:03,700 What in the world? 17 00:02:03,743 --> 00:02:04,937 Ugh. 18 00:02:09,215 --> 00:02:11,808 Fuck, am I, like, way off? 19 00:02:13,286 --> 00:02:14,912 There is breaking news tonight 20 00:02:14,953 --> 00:02:17,080 from the State Spelling Bee Championship 21 00:02:17,122 --> 00:02:19,557 as Morgan High's own Charlyne Phuc has been arrested 22 00:02:19,592 --> 00:02:20,922 for drug possession. 23 00:02:20,959 --> 00:02:22,791 Phuc has admitted using marijuana 24 00:02:22,829 --> 00:02:25,389 during her three-time championship run 25 00:02:25,431 --> 00:02:28,332 in order to assist her mortal mind 26 00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:30,527 in accessing the dictionary inscribed 27 00:02:30,569 --> 00:02:32,503 in the fabric of the cosmos... 28 00:02:32,537 --> 00:02:34,471 And that no one would have noticed 29 00:02:34,506 --> 00:02:37,499 if she hadn't been so buttstonked. 30 00:02:40,178 --> 00:02:43,171 Shh. 31 00:02:44,683 --> 00:02:47,346 Shut up, Dave. 32 00:02:47,386 --> 00:02:49,250 Sh... shut up, Dave. 33 00:02:53,258 --> 00:02:57,058 # The wind blows cool across my face... # 34 00:02:57,095 --> 00:02:58,926 Dave, take my weed. 35 00:02:59,931 --> 00:03:03,594 # I can smell the taste, a trace of lace # 36 00:03:06,105 --> 00:03:08,902 # There's something sinister in place... # 37 00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:12,637 - Hold his feet. - I am, Dave. 38 00:03:12,677 --> 00:03:15,168 - Dave, roll that shit. - I am, Dave. 39 00:03:16,781 --> 00:03:19,774 - Holy... - Fuck. 40 00:03:19,819 --> 00:03:22,218 Hey, Mom? I got some MIT scholarship stuff that I filled out. 41 00:03:22,254 --> 00:03:23,744 If you could drop it in the mail, I'd appreciate it. 42 00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:25,848 Honey, I clogged the toilet again. 43 00:03:25,891 --> 00:03:27,916 The plunger should be under the sink. 44 00:03:27,959 --> 00:03:29,153 - Where? - The back. 45 00:03:29,194 --> 00:03:32,219 - Oh, I... I got it. - All right, thanks. 46 00:03:34,065 --> 00:03:36,761 - I love you. - # My mind slips further # 47 00:03:36,801 --> 00:03:38,325 # From what's real # 48 00:03:41,172 --> 00:03:44,801 # Take my hands away from the steering wheel... # 49 00:03:47,212 --> 00:03:50,374 # I'm crashing, coming down in waves # 50 00:03:50,414 --> 00:03:54,078 # And wipe the sweat from upon my face # 51 00:03:54,119 --> 00:03:59,079 # And it's a perfect day to leave this place... # 52 00:04:00,659 --> 00:04:02,422 - Ooh. - # It's a perfect day # 53 00:04:02,460 --> 00:04:04,894 # To hide down in my own home... # 54 00:04:04,930 --> 00:04:06,420 What the fuck?! 55 00:04:06,464 --> 00:04:08,954 Watch where the fuck you step, Henry! 56 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,332 Watch where the fuck you step! 57 00:04:14,471 --> 00:04:16,906 # It's a perfect day # 58 00:04:16,942 --> 00:04:18,876 # To waste away... # 59 00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:21,845 # Your perfect part to play... # 60 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:26,840 # Just another perfect day, but before you know, it's gone... # 61 00:04:28,986 --> 00:04:31,887 # It's a perfect day to waste away # 62 00:04:31,922 --> 00:04:34,584 - # Your perfect part to play... # - Shit. 63 00:04:34,625 --> 00:04:39,996 # Just another perfect day, but before you know, it's gone. # 64 00:04:46,671 --> 00:04:49,333 Oh! 65 00:04:51,809 --> 00:04:53,333 Bravo, fuckers. 66 00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,970 "I swallow. " 67 00:04:56,747 --> 00:04:58,647 Shut up. 68 00:04:58,682 --> 00:05:01,549 D- Dad. No... 69 00:05:01,585 --> 00:05:03,645 - It won't happen again. I promise. - I expect you to pay 70 00:05:03,688 --> 00:05:06,020 every last penny of my deductible. 71 00:05:06,057 --> 00:05:09,321 In the meantime, you can spend this afternoon in detention. 72 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,191 Yes, sir. 73 00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,998 - Come along, Martin. - Yes, Daddy. 74 00:05:21,672 --> 00:05:23,197 Hey. 75 00:05:23,241 --> 00:05:25,936 Hey, Breaux. I hit Dr. Gordon because of you. 76 00:05:26,944 --> 00:05:28,673 I shouldn't have to pay for his car, man. 77 00:05:28,712 --> 00:05:30,202 All right, well, tough shit. I mean, you're the one who crashed 78 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,044 - into that butthole Gordon. - To avoid hitting you! 79 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,141 News flash: Wearing headphones while driving is against the law. 80 00:05:34,184 --> 00:05:37,551 You know, I don't think I should take behavior advice from a burner flunky. 81 00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,488 - Ouch, dude! - Yeah, well, why don't you take 82 00:05:39,523 --> 00:05:41,389 your science-fair, national-scholar status 83 00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:42,825 and cram it up your asshole? 84 00:05:42,861 --> 00:05:44,623 You know, Breaux... 85 00:05:44,662 --> 00:05:46,893 Yeah, thank you. 86 00:05:47,932 --> 00:05:49,727 Way to be a hambro. 87 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,668 It wasrt like I made him crash into that man-whore's piece-of-shit car. 88 00:05:52,703 --> 00:05:54,330 That's what that scrotum 89 00:05:54,371 --> 00:05:56,100 skin tag Gordon gets for teaching his fat little clone 90 00:05:56,140 --> 00:05:57,471 how to give a hand job. 91 00:05:57,508 --> 00:05:59,942 Rollir on 12s, son. 92 00:06:02,246 --> 00:06:04,771 Aw, come on. 93 00:06:04,815 --> 00:06:07,079 He's behind you! 94 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:11,622 What? 95 00:06:13,089 --> 00:06:14,682 You know what the problem is here, Brandon? 96 00:06:14,725 --> 00:06:17,717 Why our average GPA has dropped 97 00:06:17,761 --> 00:06:20,059 three times in as many years? 98 00:06:20,097 --> 00:06:22,725 Uh, the Internet? 99 00:06:22,766 --> 00:06:25,360 The sticky green. 100 00:06:25,402 --> 00:06:28,097 The cannabis sativa. The sinsemilla. 101 00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:30,129 Marijuana? 102 00:06:32,175 --> 00:06:35,805 Which is serious stuff. 103 00:06:35,846 --> 00:06:38,371 Dangerous stuff, so I hear. It's a gateway drug. 104 00:06:38,415 --> 00:06:41,282 Hop-heads like Travis Breaux have been a thorn on my side 105 00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:43,377 ever since they came here. 106 00:06:43,420 --> 00:06:46,617 That little prick has caused me more pain than you know. 107 00:06:48,125 --> 00:06:51,753 - My cat... - Yeah? 108 00:06:52,796 --> 00:06:55,161 ...developed an abscess on her face. 109 00:06:55,198 --> 00:06:57,497 I rushed her to the vet emergency room, 110 00:06:57,534 --> 00:07:01,264 but their nitrous oxide tank had been stolen. 111 00:07:01,304 --> 00:07:04,001 They later tracked the culprits down 112 00:07:04,041 --> 00:07:08,568 to the home of one Travis Breaux. 113 00:07:08,611 --> 00:07:11,809 Without anesthesia, I had to pin Dolly down. 114 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:14,578 She scratched my face, my hand. 115 00:07:14,617 --> 00:07:16,711 I developed a terrible infection. 116 00:07:16,754 --> 00:07:18,687 It's called "cat scratch fever. " 117 00:07:18,721 --> 00:07:20,279 My stool became 118 00:07:20,323 --> 00:07:21,814 incredibly painful to pass. 119 00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,850 I lost weight, but gained body fat. 120 00:07:23,894 --> 00:07:25,485 I was a mess. 121 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:30,124 Then I heard my wife telling her friends that I looked lousy. 122 00:07:35,272 --> 00:07:38,707 My attorney advised me against taking any sort of action. 123 00:07:38,741 --> 00:07:42,643 No evidence to press charges against Travis Breaux, 124 00:07:42,678 --> 00:07:46,638 but I knew... I knew he was responsible, 125 00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:49,674 breathing in that laughing gas filth. 126 00:07:51,454 --> 00:07:54,719 They call it "space surfing. " 127 00:07:56,592 --> 00:07:59,790 Where do they come up with all these clever names 128 00:07:59,830 --> 00:08:01,922 for recreational drug use? 129 00:08:04,034 --> 00:08:07,729 Roasting a bone, candy flipping, 130 00:08:07,769 --> 00:08:09,931 banging down a stiff loosey. 131 00:08:09,972 --> 00:08:12,701 A stiff loosey... 132 00:08:13,843 --> 00:08:16,505 I haven't heard that one. 133 00:08:16,546 --> 00:08:20,243 When a woman from a sordid underworld social circle 134 00:08:20,283 --> 00:08:24,084 inales powdered cocaine off of some loser's erect penis 135 00:08:24,121 --> 00:08:27,749 and then doses acid off of his testicles... 136 00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,121 I think it has something to do with the Beatles. 137 00:08:34,831 --> 00:08:37,891 Now, they ruined our nation... 138 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,198 drugs, fornicating, 139 00:08:40,236 --> 00:08:43,501 a grown man singing about his feelings. 140 00:08:43,539 --> 00:08:46,236 It's time we win this war, 141 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:49,072 expunge this school of all dope fiends. 142 00:08:56,586 --> 00:08:58,952 Henry: So I've created a hybrid compound 143 00:08:58,988 --> 00:09:01,218 with a resistance two times that of regular silicon. 144 00:09:01,257 --> 00:09:03,225 Used as the basis material for electronics, 145 00:09:03,259 --> 00:09:04,749 it would provide increased protection 146 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,057 against power surges, magnetic waves. 147 00:09:07,095 --> 00:09:09,188 This is an electromagnetic pulse generator. 148 00:09:09,231 --> 00:09:11,792 Actually, could everyone take a step back? 149 00:09:12,968 --> 00:09:16,496 It's a localized pulse, but it will fry your laptops, your hard drives. 150 00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:20,373 It'll kill your cell phones if you're too close. 151 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,675 Tick, tick, tick. 152 00:09:30,051 --> 00:09:31,951 So as you can see, the motherboard 153 00:09:31,987 --> 00:09:35,185 manufactured by my compound is the undamaged one. 154 00:10:02,785 --> 00:10:04,343 Shit. 155 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,881 Bitter aftertaste of reality? 156 00:10:08,924 --> 00:10:11,757 You come to see how the other half lives? 157 00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:18,697 - Boy: Mr. Thompson here? - He went lookir for you. 158 00:10:20,568 --> 00:10:23,731 Hey, fool, that's my shirt you got on. 159 00:10:23,772 --> 00:10:25,968 I gave it to Goodwill last year. 160 00:10:28,543 --> 00:10:31,478 Fuckir hobo. 161 00:10:32,514 --> 00:10:34,004 Don't trip, Rubin. 162 00:10:34,049 --> 00:10:36,643 I'm sure he washed your dad's cum off of it. 163 00:10:36,685 --> 00:10:38,516 What the fuck you just say to me? 164 00:10:38,553 --> 00:10:41,148 I said I'm sure he washed your dad's cum off of it. 165 00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:44,717 Or did some dry up in your ears? You should clean them fuckers out. 166 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:46,284 Try an ear candle, yo. 167 00:10:46,329 --> 00:10:50,856 Rubin? Why aren't you in your seat? 168 00:10:50,899 --> 00:10:53,696 You know, we could have a little Abu Ghraib action here, 169 00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:56,260 or we could watch our video. 170 00:10:56,304 --> 00:10:58,067 It's your call. 171 00:11:01,910 --> 00:11:04,277 I'm just gonna go ahead and sit down. 172 00:11:04,313 --> 00:11:06,506 Good choice. 173 00:11:09,684 --> 00:11:12,618 It's all ready. Just hit play. 174 00:11:16,057 --> 00:11:19,151 Everybody, pay attention. 175 00:11:19,194 --> 00:11:20,752 And no talking. 176 00:11:20,795 --> 00:11:23,286 Narrator on TV: With his parents out of town for the weekend, 177 00:11:23,331 --> 00:11:27,427 Bob bends to the pressure of his peers to be somebody 178 00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:29,561 and smokes a joint. 179 00:11:29,603 --> 00:11:32,539 That's street talk for a marijuana cigarette. 180 00:11:32,574 --> 00:11:35,667 Bob lights up and takes a drag. 181 00:11:35,709 --> 00:11:39,544 What he doesn't realize is that this seemingly harmless act 182 00:11:39,581 --> 00:11:42,744 will bring the walls of his reality crashing down. 183 00:11:55,129 --> 00:11:58,224 Narrator: Is this your idea of getting jiggy with it? 184 00:12:05,874 --> 00:12:09,673 Narrator: Applesauce 10 times a day. 185 00:12:09,710 --> 00:12:10,837 Man on TV: How are you feeling? 186 00:12:10,879 --> 00:12:13,472 - Boy: This video eats my balls. - Boy #2: Word. 187 00:12:13,514 --> 00:12:16,609 Woman on TV: Dr. Gibson, you're wanted in lobotomy room 7. 188 00:12:16,651 --> 00:12:19,711 Dr. Gibson to lobotomy room 7. 189 00:12:24,592 --> 00:12:26,889 Narrator: It will also help fund terrorism. 190 00:12:26,927 --> 00:12:31,023 I only really want to blow things up when I'm high. 191 00:12:34,402 --> 00:12:36,733 Think about it. 192 00:12:40,175 --> 00:12:42,301 Man over radio: Engage. Smoke 'em. 193 00:12:46,913 --> 00:12:49,576 Henry. Henry, hey, hey. 194 00:12:49,616 --> 00:12:52,210 Look, I'm sorry. I drive like shit when I'm high. 195 00:12:52,252 --> 00:12:54,220 You were high at 8:00 in the morning? 196 00:12:54,254 --> 00:12:56,119 Yeah, of course. I'll help you pay for it, all right? 197 00:12:56,156 --> 00:12:57,647 I'll float you some casheesh. 198 00:12:57,692 --> 00:13:01,024 Well, thanks, man. 199 00:13:01,061 --> 00:13:04,929 I'm sorry about the whole burner, flunky thing. 200 00:13:04,965 --> 00:13:05,988 Oh, no. It's all good, you know. 201 00:13:06,032 --> 00:13:08,160 - I get worse from my dad, so... - Right. 202 00:13:08,202 --> 00:13:10,761 - Yeah. - How's he doir? 203 00:13:11,972 --> 00:13:13,064 Who's he doir? 204 00:13:13,107 --> 00:13:15,302 He's probably balls deep in some Jell-O mold as we speak. 205 00:13:15,342 --> 00:13:19,073 Right. So, um, this is me. 206 00:13:19,113 --> 00:13:20,705 Obviously. 207 00:13:22,950 --> 00:13:24,884 Hey, you remember how I caught you jerking off 208 00:13:24,918 --> 00:13:26,715 with BENGAY when you were, like, 12? 209 00:13:26,753 --> 00:13:29,152 - Yeah. - Aw, yo, that shit must have burned! 210 00:13:29,188 --> 00:13:30,486 - Yeah, that's funny. - I told everybody, and you ran off 211 00:13:30,524 --> 00:13:32,287 in the woods like some fuckir cracked-out Hobbit. 212 00:13:32,326 --> 00:13:34,226 - Yeah, no, no. I remember. - Yo, there were helicopters 213 00:13:34,261 --> 00:13:36,388 - looking for you and shit. - I remember the helicopters. 214 00:13:36,430 --> 00:13:37,954 I was always wondering what the fuck they were saying to each other. 215 00:13:37,998 --> 00:13:38,987 - Think about it. - Really? 216 00:13:39,032 --> 00:13:40,330 "Uh, looking for the kid 217 00:13:40,368 --> 00:13:41,595 who just jerked off. Over. " 218 00:13:41,635 --> 00:13:43,330 "Did he just come? Over. " 219 00:13:43,370 --> 00:13:46,634 "Negativo, Ghost Rider. Looking for a case of blue balls. Over. " 220 00:13:46,672 --> 00:13:49,072 It was like a scene from "The Fugitive," but with a naked kid. 221 00:13:49,108 --> 00:13:51,669 Yeah, that's not really proper pilot speak, but I guess... 222 00:13:51,712 --> 00:13:53,872 I'm just saying we had some good times. 223 00:13:53,913 --> 00:13:56,348 - Yeah. Yeah, sure. - Yeah. 224 00:13:56,383 --> 00:13:58,374 The hell happened, do you think? 225 00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:02,018 High school. 226 00:14:04,192 --> 00:14:06,317 Yeah, no doubt. 227 00:14:08,227 --> 00:14:10,991 Hey, look, you know, I was driving by the old 'hood yesterday. 228 00:14:12,265 --> 00:14:14,496 You remember that tree house, that lockbox we built? 229 00:14:17,003 --> 00:14:19,097 Yeah, sure. Still there? 230 00:14:20,107 --> 00:14:21,870 Wanna go find out? 231 00:14:24,912 --> 00:14:27,938 - Awesome. - Oh, my God. 232 00:14:27,981 --> 00:14:30,642 What? 233 00:14:30,683 --> 00:14:34,085 Oh, man, all this shit was so important back in the day, man. 234 00:14:34,121 --> 00:14:35,644 - Henry: Look at these. - What? 235 00:14:35,688 --> 00:14:37,680 - You look like a fat Billy Ray Cyrus. - Yo, wait, man. 236 00:14:37,724 --> 00:14:40,487 We should be fuckir high for this. 237 00:14:43,363 --> 00:14:45,455 This is pharmaceutical-grade Hindu Kush. 238 00:14:45,498 --> 00:14:47,227 What? Do you have a prescription for weed? 239 00:14:47,266 --> 00:14:51,431 - You don't? - What? What does that... 240 00:14:51,471 --> 00:14:53,199 You haven't gotten high before, have you? 241 00:14:54,507 --> 00:14:57,033 You're afraid you're gonna end up ripping down big loads 242 00:14:57,077 --> 00:14:59,510 in a cave with the Shoe Bomber? 243 00:15:04,017 --> 00:15:07,747 Getting high, it's... it's like freedom. 244 00:15:08,754 --> 00:15:12,690 Smells, tastes, feelings... 245 00:15:12,725 --> 00:15:17,924 they all become, like, four-dimensional. 246 00:15:17,964 --> 00:15:19,592 When everyting irie, 247 00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:21,760 everyting go twing twing. 248 00:15:23,936 --> 00:15:26,166 Yeah, let me... 249 00:15:26,205 --> 00:15:29,868 - Fuck it. - Be somebody. 250 00:15:37,316 --> 00:15:40,410 So it begins. 251 00:15:47,659 --> 00:15:50,254 Can't wait to have an ex-wife, man. 252 00:15:50,296 --> 00:15:52,263 Can't wait for that shit. 253 00:15:52,297 --> 00:15:53,663 Whers the good part kick in? 254 00:15:53,699 --> 00:15:55,894 Like the... like the fourth-dimensional stuff. 255 00:15:55,935 --> 00:15:57,926 I want the freedom. Whers the freedom kick in, Breaux? 256 00:15:57,970 --> 00:16:00,234 L... I want the freedom. 257 00:16:01,707 --> 00:16:03,335 Should we even be here right now? 258 00:16:03,377 --> 00:16:05,172 I mean, won't people get suspicious? 259 00:16:05,210 --> 00:16:07,611 I mean, they'll call the cops, send helicopters. 260 00:16:07,647 --> 00:16:09,841 I hate fucking helicopters. 261 00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:12,077 No, nobody's gonna do anything, man. 262 00:16:12,118 --> 00:16:13,142 We're trespassing. 263 00:16:13,185 --> 00:16:14,914 I mean, do you feel this? 264 00:16:14,954 --> 00:16:17,422 'Cause, holy shit, I mean, I don't even think this is... 265 00:16:20,226 --> 00:16:22,558 Oh, God. 266 00:16:24,497 --> 00:16:25,485 - You okay? - The freedom hasn't 267 00:16:25,530 --> 00:16:27,158 kicked in yet, asshole! 268 00:16:27,199 --> 00:16:31,499 Hey, what we need to do right now is just relax. 269 00:16:34,406 --> 00:16:36,466 Fuck, God damn it! 270 00:16:36,509 --> 00:16:38,909 Where are you?! 271 00:16:38,944 --> 00:16:41,435 Where the fuck are you?! 272 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,210 Helicopters everywhere! 273 00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:46,012 Everywhere! 274 00:16:46,051 --> 00:16:48,383 Breaux over radio: Uh, looking for the kid who just jerked off. Over. 275 00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:50,116 Did he just come? Over. 276 00:16:50,156 --> 00:16:53,682 Negativo, Ghost Rider. Looking for a case of blue balls. Over. 277 00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:09,065 There were helicopters. They were hunting me down. 278 00:17:15,047 --> 00:17:17,708 - It's your phone. - Shit. 279 00:17:17,749 --> 00:17:19,240 What time is it? 280 00:17:20,686 --> 00:17:22,813 Party time. 281 00:17:22,855 --> 00:17:23,981 - Hey. - Girl: Henry, where are you? 282 00:17:24,023 --> 00:17:25,011 - I'm so sorry. - We're all here waiting for you. 283 00:17:25,056 --> 00:17:26,751 - Yeah, I'll be there in 20. Fuck! - What's going on? 284 00:17:26,791 --> 00:17:29,225 I'm borrowing this. I gotta go to the annual bake sale prep. 285 00:17:29,260 --> 00:17:30,750 - Can you drive? - You wanna go now? 286 00:17:30,795 --> 00:17:32,730 Yeah. Yeah, I wanna go now. 287 00:17:32,765 --> 00:17:35,631 All right, man. Well, I want some road-head, then. 288 00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:37,533 I hope you're good at swallowing, bro. 289 00:17:37,570 --> 00:17:39,230 It's how I like it. 290 00:17:45,743 --> 00:17:48,110 - Ahh. - We need some more green. 291 00:17:48,146 --> 00:17:52,378 - Boy: She's got ass for days. - Boner. 292 00:17:56,856 --> 00:17:59,585 Hey, Sharky. What's crackir? What's crack-a-lackir? 293 00:17:59,624 --> 00:18:02,423 Girl: Good job. Good, good. 294 00:18:02,461 --> 00:18:04,290 Hey, Sharky. What's crackir? 295 00:18:04,328 --> 00:18:06,490 - What's crack-a-lackir? - What up, tough guy? 296 00:18:06,531 --> 00:18:07,589 - Hey, Sharky... - Oh! 297 00:18:07,632 --> 00:18:09,565 I got it. 298 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:10,795 Fuck! 299 00:18:13,371 --> 00:18:16,135 Oh, I just got my eyebrow pierced yesterday! 300 00:18:23,415 --> 00:18:25,440 - About freakir time. - Hey, guys. Sorry. 301 00:18:25,483 --> 00:18:28,542 - You're such a fucking asshole. - What? 302 00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:30,144 Sharky Ovante just gave you an opening! 303 00:18:30,188 --> 00:18:33,156 Microscopic, but still. You blew it. 304 00:18:33,190 --> 00:18:34,886 Yeah. 305 00:18:34,926 --> 00:18:37,690 We grew up next door to each other. 306 00:18:37,729 --> 00:18:39,856 We used to play together 307 00:18:39,898 --> 00:18:41,525 till she grew breasts. 308 00:18:41,566 --> 00:18:43,091 And that was that. 309 00:18:46,236 --> 00:18:48,762 I ran the numbers. 310 00:18:48,807 --> 00:18:51,070 Assuming we both ace our finals, 311 00:18:51,108 --> 00:18:53,771 it seems to me you have valedictorian 312 00:18:53,812 --> 00:18:56,303 by 3/100ths of a percentage. 313 00:18:56,347 --> 00:18:58,679 Salutatorian is a pretty big deal, too, Sebastian, so... 314 00:18:58,716 --> 00:19:00,843 - Still second place, though. - Well, I suppose 315 00:19:00,885 --> 00:19:03,876 the hinge upon which fate swings is a capricious one. 316 00:19:03,921 --> 00:19:06,857 - Why are your eyes all red? - Excuse me, everyone. 317 00:19:06,891 --> 00:19:08,256 Can I please have your attention? 318 00:19:08,293 --> 00:19:11,490 Very impressive, spirit team. Can you please put her down? 319 00:19:11,529 --> 00:19:12,962 Uh, hey, listen. 320 00:19:12,997 --> 00:19:16,022 We're doing a live television interview outside, 321 00:19:16,066 --> 00:19:19,264 so if you could all just, you know, stop throwing each other up in the air 322 00:19:19,304 --> 00:19:20,895 and keep the volume level down, that'd be great. 323 00:19:20,938 --> 00:19:22,531 - Okay? Thank you. - Sorry. 324 00:19:23,807 --> 00:19:27,538 And now we'll go live to Julia Louise Hugo 325 00:19:27,578 --> 00:19:31,515 - at Morgan High School. Julia? - In five, four, three, two... 326 00:19:31,549 --> 00:19:33,482 I understand that you have a statement regarding 327 00:19:33,517 --> 00:19:35,713 your student, Charlyne Phuc, who was recently arrested... 328 00:19:35,753 --> 00:19:39,518 Miss Phuc is no longer a student of this institution, 329 00:19:39,556 --> 00:19:41,957 and I have requested that her standing 330 00:19:41,993 --> 00:19:44,619 as three-time State Spelling Bee Champion 331 00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:47,061 be officially revoked. 332 00:19:49,701 --> 00:19:53,932 Morgan is one of the finest high schools in this state. 333 00:19:53,971 --> 00:19:57,304 We demand excellence, not inebriation. 334 00:19:57,341 --> 00:20:00,743 And to reassure our students, 335 00:20:00,778 --> 00:20:03,712 parents, faculty, and board of regents 336 00:20:03,747 --> 00:20:05,305 of this high standard, 337 00:20:05,349 --> 00:20:10,286 we are conducting a controlled-substance screening 338 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,515 on campus tomorrow. 339 00:20:12,556 --> 00:20:16,117 All students are required to participate, 340 00:20:16,159 --> 00:20:19,687 and any student who does not pass the screening 341 00:20:19,731 --> 00:20:22,028 will be immediately expelled. 342 00:20:25,202 --> 00:20:28,433 Cheese and crackers. No, no, no, no. 343 00:20:28,472 --> 00:20:32,408 I was trying for genial and it came off wimpy. 344 00:20:32,442 --> 00:20:35,377 I'd like to be stronger. Could we try this again? 345 00:20:35,412 --> 00:20:37,472 We're live. 346 00:20:37,515 --> 00:20:40,381 What? 347 00:20:40,417 --> 00:20:42,409 No, no, no, it's great. Keep shooting. Looks great. 348 00:20:42,453 --> 00:20:44,316 We gotta be clear by tomorrow morning. 349 00:20:44,353 --> 00:20:46,116 - What drug? - Shrooms. 350 00:20:46,155 --> 00:20:47,987 - Yeah, we split an eighth. - How long ago did you take them? 351 00:20:48,025 --> 00:20:50,549 - Hmm. About an hour ago? - What strain? 352 00:20:50,593 --> 00:20:54,030 Hold on. Hey. You know what strain we ate? 353 00:20:54,064 --> 00:20:55,794 Dinosaur bones. 354 00:20:55,833 --> 00:20:58,266 - Are your parents home? - I think. 355 00:20:58,302 --> 00:21:00,669 - Have you been drinking? - Look at your face. 356 00:21:00,705 --> 00:21:02,604 Did you smoke marijuana with these mushrooms? 357 00:21:02,639 --> 00:21:04,367 It's all stroked out. 358 00:21:04,407 --> 00:21:05,636 - Sorry. - What? 359 00:21:05,676 --> 00:21:07,735 So it might be that shit we ate on prom night. 360 00:21:07,778 --> 00:21:09,244 - I'm looking for Breaux. - Gordors been pulling 361 00:21:09,278 --> 00:21:10,906 - this Nazi shit forever. - Did you call the police? 362 00:21:10,948 --> 00:21:13,473 My dad's gonna cancel the Spice Channel if I get expelled, 363 00:21:13,517 --> 00:21:16,213 beat me up with my own severed cock. 364 00:21:16,253 --> 00:21:18,050 Let... yo, let me call you right back. 365 00:21:18,088 --> 00:21:19,784 - What? - You did this to me. 366 00:21:19,824 --> 00:21:21,984 Do you have any idea how screwed I am right now? 367 00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:25,926 Look, chill, man. You're causing a scene. 368 00:21:25,962 --> 00:21:27,122 I'm causing a scene? 369 00:21:27,163 --> 00:21:30,930 Causing a scene? What?! 370 00:21:35,872 --> 00:21:37,772 What? 371 00:21:37,808 --> 00:21:40,368 Look, there are other people 372 00:21:40,410 --> 00:21:42,241 trippir balls pretty hard core right now. 373 00:21:42,279 --> 00:21:43,610 Dude, I'm not like other people. 374 00:21:43,647 --> 00:21:45,136 Okay? I don't trip on balls. 375 00:21:45,181 --> 00:21:48,674 Okay? If I'm busted, I can kiss my MIT scholarship good-bye. 376 00:21:48,719 --> 00:21:50,982 My entire life is on the line right now. 377 00:21:54,992 --> 00:21:57,460 Yeah, all right. Hey, you guys, the pumpkins are trying to kill us. 378 00:21:57,494 --> 00:22:00,759 You gotta go talk to 'em. Come on, seriously, go. 379 00:22:00,797 --> 00:22:02,821 - What's with them? - Come on. 380 00:22:06,970 --> 00:22:09,995 This is my cleansing box. It's for emergency situations. 381 00:22:10,039 --> 00:22:13,441 We've got goldenseal, but I think they test for that now. 382 00:22:13,477 --> 00:22:16,275 Tea regimen, but it takes something like two to three days. 383 00:22:16,313 --> 00:22:18,372 There's always urine masks, but sometimes your piss 384 00:22:18,415 --> 00:22:19,541 can come out a little too clean. 385 00:22:19,583 --> 00:22:22,245 Like it's not even urine anymore. It's Aquafina. 386 00:22:22,285 --> 00:22:24,252 Okay, so what else do we have, man? Is that it? 387 00:22:24,286 --> 00:22:25,514 There's the piss pump. 388 00:22:25,554 --> 00:22:27,920 It's classic, but if they frisk you, they're gonna find it. 389 00:22:27,957 --> 00:22:29,652 - Right. - The bottom line is anything you use 390 00:22:29,692 --> 00:22:32,525 will buy you a 40% chance of passing. 391 00:22:34,830 --> 00:22:38,266 That's an F. That's an F, Breaux. 392 00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:40,462 You know, this is what they warn you about in that video. 393 00:22:40,504 --> 00:22:42,835 It starts out fun until you start clawing your eyes out 394 00:22:42,872 --> 00:22:44,236 in a padded cell with al-Qaeda. 395 00:22:44,272 --> 00:22:46,468 One hit could really ruin your life. 396 00:22:48,244 --> 00:22:50,804 I mean, you could always go around to high schools. 397 00:22:50,846 --> 00:22:54,214 You know, like, "Don't be like me. I blew it. 398 00:22:54,251 --> 00:22:57,583 Threw my life down the garbage disposal... 399 00:22:57,620 --> 00:23:00,317 for weed. " 400 00:23:01,824 --> 00:23:03,347 Come on! 401 00:23:03,391 --> 00:23:06,293 - Hey, I'm playing, man. - This is a big deal, Breaux. 402 00:23:06,328 --> 00:23:08,192 I need your... this is a big deal! 403 00:23:08,229 --> 00:23:10,892 Yeah, I know, man. 404 00:23:21,877 --> 00:23:25,403 # Have you ever watched the sun go down # 405 00:23:25,447 --> 00:23:28,713 # And you're thinking 'bout the world spinnir round? # 406 00:23:28,751 --> 00:23:31,844 # Have you ever been high as fuck? # 407 00:23:35,524 --> 00:23:39,187 # You're in the bathroom mirror talking to yourself # 408 00:23:39,228 --> 00:23:42,425 # And your dog's lookir at you like you need help # 409 00:23:42,465 --> 00:23:46,230 # Have you ever been high as fuck? # 410 00:23:55,945 --> 00:23:57,412 Oh. 411 00:23:57,446 --> 00:23:59,676 Have you been throwing cold cuts at my window? 412 00:23:59,715 --> 00:24:01,376 Yo, have you been crying? 413 00:24:04,753 --> 00:24:06,813 Yo, meet me at the tree house, gangster. 414 00:24:06,856 --> 00:24:09,790 Yo, who the fuck touched my whip? 415 00:24:10,826 --> 00:24:11,986 Got you! 416 00:24:12,027 --> 00:24:13,653 "Sodium aluminum sul... " 417 00:24:13,695 --> 00:24:16,358 There's aluminum in this? What the fuck? 418 00:24:20,569 --> 00:24:23,196 Look, uh, what if we walked in tomorrow, 419 00:24:23,238 --> 00:24:26,105 failed the drug test, and no one even noticed? 420 00:24:26,141 --> 00:24:28,803 What if you could fail and still be valedictorian and still go to MIT? 421 00:24:28,843 --> 00:24:31,311 - Jesus Christ, you're high again. - Yeah, I'm always high... 422 00:24:31,346 --> 00:24:33,007 Dude, that's a stoner fantasy, man. 423 00:24:33,047 --> 00:24:34,640 How could I fail the drug test and no one care? 424 00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:36,742 - If everyone fails. - Of course. 425 00:24:36,786 --> 00:24:38,845 If we can't pass the test, fine. 426 00:24:38,888 --> 00:24:40,412 Fuck it. Let's get the whole school high. 427 00:24:40,456 --> 00:24:42,013 Oh, my God. Please tell me you're kidding. 428 00:24:42,056 --> 00:24:43,751 Tomorrow is the bake sale, right? 429 00:24:43,792 --> 00:24:47,751 We swap in bud brownies, everyone gets blazed, everyone fails. 430 00:24:47,796 --> 00:24:49,457 They'll have to throw the test results away. 431 00:24:49,497 --> 00:24:51,192 We won't even use a lot. All right? 432 00:24:51,232 --> 00:24:54,760 Just enough to muddy the waters. They'll barely test positive. 433 00:24:54,804 --> 00:24:57,398 Most people won't even notice. They'll just be a little slow. 434 00:24:58,808 --> 00:25:00,639 - A little slow. - At times like this, 435 00:25:00,676 --> 00:25:02,540 you need to think like a stoner. 436 00:25:09,184 --> 00:25:12,121 Where are we gonna get that much weed? 437 00:25:26,568 --> 00:25:29,230 - What? - What? 438 00:25:29,270 --> 00:25:31,465 What? What? 439 00:25:34,442 --> 00:25:35,967 You're right. 440 00:25:38,813 --> 00:25:41,748 I harvested the crop a few hours too early. 441 00:25:49,223 --> 00:25:51,658 Ah! I'm so stupid. 442 00:25:51,693 --> 00:25:54,787 Fuckir... so fuckir stupid! 443 00:25:57,665 --> 00:25:59,600 Stupid! 444 00:26:03,403 --> 00:26:06,032 - What? - What? 445 00:26:06,074 --> 00:26:08,838 What? What? 446 00:26:08,877 --> 00:26:10,777 I'm sorry. 447 00:26:10,812 --> 00:26:13,006 I hate for you to see me this way. 448 00:26:14,115 --> 00:26:16,345 What? 449 00:26:18,287 --> 00:26:21,050 There's this guy... Psycho Ed. 450 00:26:21,089 --> 00:26:23,922 He was like a child prodigy. 451 00:26:23,958 --> 00:26:26,448 Graduated from high school at 15. 452 00:26:26,493 --> 00:26:29,861 Passed the bar exam before he was old enough to drink. 453 00:26:29,898 --> 00:26:32,696 But then he went to a foam party in Baja, 454 00:26:32,734 --> 00:26:36,794 smoked a dust blunt supposedly laced with PCP, 455 00:26:36,838 --> 00:26:38,999 burned something out in his fuckir brain. 456 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:40,701 Dropped out the legit world and became... 457 00:26:40,742 --> 00:26:42,641 Let me guess... a drug dealer. 458 00:26:42,676 --> 00:26:45,440 Yeah, but he's got this shit... it's better than weed. 459 00:26:45,479 --> 00:26:48,414 It's called kief, and it's really hard to make 460 00:26:48,448 --> 00:26:51,043 because you need a massive crop of some crypto-dank herb 461 00:26:51,085 --> 00:26:54,645 on a 32-part-per-million flowering solution cycle. 462 00:26:54,688 --> 00:26:56,350 Psycho Ed: Calculated to harvest each bud 463 00:26:56,391 --> 00:27:00,521 when its psychoactive component is at its absolute apex. 464 00:27:00,561 --> 00:27:04,291 Then I process the buds to extract the excess THC, 465 00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:06,526 the fruit of an entire harvest. 466 00:27:06,566 --> 00:27:10,663 One misstep and the crystals are history. 467 00:27:10,705 --> 00:27:13,502 This is kief. 468 00:27:13,540 --> 00:27:16,442 This will seriously 469 00:27:16,477 --> 00:27:19,708 fuck you up. 470 00:27:23,383 --> 00:27:25,749 Hold on, m-man. You... you want to steal 471 00:27:25,786 --> 00:27:28,152 a psycho drug dealer's personal kief? 472 00:27:28,188 --> 00:27:30,213 Precisely. 473 00:27:31,892 --> 00:27:34,657 Look, the Daves scored a dime bag from him this afternoon, 474 00:27:34,696 --> 00:27:36,560 took a look at the place, told me the whole setup, 475 00:27:36,596 --> 00:27:38,622 - where the keys are. - Man, this is insane! 476 00:27:38,666 --> 00:27:42,691 - I can't do this! - You can. It's not. 477 00:27:42,735 --> 00:27:44,363 Look, I know what you're thinking. 478 00:27:44,404 --> 00:27:47,168 - You know, he's got a gun... - No. 479 00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,368 Breaux, I was not thinking that. 480 00:27:49,409 --> 00:27:52,675 Look, at times like this, we can't think about the things that could go wrong. 481 00:27:52,714 --> 00:27:54,738 We just gotta grab the balls and go for it. 482 00:27:54,781 --> 00:27:58,013 - The balls. I'm grabbing the balls. - Exactly. 483 00:27:58,052 --> 00:27:59,644 Whose balls? Stop, Breaux. 484 00:27:59,687 --> 00:28:02,678 - No, I can't do this, man. - It's easy, okay? 485 00:28:02,723 --> 00:28:04,816 Just hop the back fence, wait for my signal, 486 00:28:04,858 --> 00:28:06,825 and then bing, bang, boom, and we dip. 487 00:28:06,860 --> 00:28:08,452 What kind of plan is that? 488 00:28:08,495 --> 00:28:11,123 Breaux. Fuck. 489 00:28:15,702 --> 00:28:17,795 "Beware of my fucking dog. " 490 00:28:28,882 --> 00:28:30,473 - Fuck! - Hey. 491 00:28:30,516 --> 00:28:33,782 What the fuck are you doing out here? Come on, get in here. Come on. 492 00:28:33,820 --> 00:28:35,482 - Come on! Get in here! - Okay, okay. 493 00:28:35,523 --> 00:28:38,491 - Have you been crying again? - Fuck off. 494 00:28:39,860 --> 00:28:41,452 Okay. 495 00:28:42,528 --> 00:28:46,124 It's really dicey in here, so give me exactly one minute 496 00:28:46,166 --> 00:28:48,326 and then get the key from the door and head to the back. 497 00:28:48,367 --> 00:28:50,768 He keeps the kief in a freezer in the grow room. 498 00:28:50,804 --> 00:28:53,238 Wait, wait, wait. Stop, I'm serious. 499 00:28:53,273 --> 00:28:55,867 Fuck. Fuck. 500 00:28:55,909 --> 00:28:57,399 Oh, my God. 501 00:28:57,444 --> 00:29:00,844 Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. Okay. 502 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:03,280 All right. 503 00:29:03,315 --> 00:29:05,875 Okay, okay. 504 00:29:15,829 --> 00:29:18,957 Ain't a strip club, you fuck. 505 00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:51,995 Thanks, brother man. 506 00:29:52,032 --> 00:29:54,295 Everybody says your weed is the dank shit. 507 00:29:57,370 --> 00:29:59,963 Yeah, well, everyone's right. 508 00:30:00,973 --> 00:30:02,463 Time for you to get the fuck out. 509 00:30:02,508 --> 00:30:05,966 Well, what about, you know, weed etiquette? 510 00:30:06,011 --> 00:30:07,376 What? 511 00:30:07,413 --> 00:30:09,881 You know, now I'm supposed to smoke you out with your own shit. 512 00:30:09,915 --> 00:30:12,076 It's like weed tax. 513 00:30:14,487 --> 00:30:17,479 Do I look like I need you to get me stoned? 514 00:30:19,225 --> 00:30:21,125 My God, 515 00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,060 looks like somebody poured snake blood in your eyeballs. 516 00:30:24,095 --> 00:30:25,859 Thanks. 517 00:30:27,666 --> 00:30:29,930 Maybe you could give me some advice? 518 00:30:29,969 --> 00:30:31,459 What? 519 00:30:31,504 --> 00:30:33,803 I bought some seeds online... 520 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:35,272 - Oh! - Moron! 521 00:30:35,307 --> 00:30:37,332 Never buy anything online. 522 00:30:46,852 --> 00:30:48,877 This botanist in Portland 523 00:30:48,921 --> 00:30:50,183 knows how to make the most of what you got. 524 00:30:50,222 --> 00:30:51,211 And where to grow. 525 00:30:51,257 --> 00:30:53,589 Yo, could you print this out for me, bromeslice? 526 00:31:00,298 --> 00:31:03,791 That's Paranoid. 527 00:31:03,836 --> 00:31:07,272 - Yo, why do they call you Paranoid? - What? Why you wanna know, man? 528 00:31:20,185 --> 00:31:22,779 Yo, is that, like... is that like an alarm or something? 529 00:31:29,227 --> 00:31:31,219 Timer. 530 00:31:34,533 --> 00:31:36,524 I'm fully automated. 531 00:31:48,947 --> 00:31:51,246 Oh, shit. 532 00:32:06,331 --> 00:32:08,356 Now piss off. 533 00:32:14,506 --> 00:32:16,632 Shh... 534 00:32:18,344 --> 00:32:20,538 - What the hell is that? - That's the alarm. 535 00:32:20,578 --> 00:32:21,567 Ah. 536 00:32:26,884 --> 00:32:28,284 He's got the deep beef. 537 00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,310 You better not be fuckir with me. 538 00:32:30,355 --> 00:32:32,153 I told you not to fuck with me. 539 00:32:41,531 --> 00:32:43,864 Hey, who the fuck are you, man? 540 00:32:44,869 --> 00:32:47,565 - What, does ganja affect your hearing? - What? 541 00:32:47,605 --> 00:32:49,903 I've been knocking for, like, five minutes. 542 00:32:49,941 --> 00:32:51,739 I'll punch you in the head, man. 543 00:32:51,777 --> 00:32:53,744 Who the fuck is this guy, bro? 544 00:32:53,778 --> 00:32:55,803 - You told him your name? - What? 545 00:32:55,848 --> 00:32:58,407 - Huh? - He's my... he's my ride, my ride. 546 00:32:58,449 --> 00:33:00,143 Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm his ride. 547 00:33:00,183 --> 00:33:02,448 Come on, man, we gotta get the car back 548 00:33:02,487 --> 00:33:04,147 before my dad gets back. 549 00:33:04,187 --> 00:33:06,782 He's a renegade cop with a power mullet. 550 00:33:06,824 --> 00:33:08,485 Works the late shift, 551 00:33:08,526 --> 00:33:11,120 likes to shoot things. 552 00:33:11,162 --> 00:33:12,652 - Hey. - What? 553 00:33:15,834 --> 00:33:17,357 Hmm? 554 00:33:18,970 --> 00:33:21,234 - Yo. - What? 555 00:33:23,307 --> 00:33:25,003 - What? - What? 556 00:33:25,043 --> 00:33:26,943 What? What? 557 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:33,016 Yo, you woke my frog, cunt. 558 00:33:34,252 --> 00:33:36,311 Frogs sleep? 559 00:33:37,322 --> 00:33:40,049 - What? - What? 560 00:33:40,090 --> 00:33:41,523 What? 561 00:33:43,060 --> 00:33:46,325 Adios, muchacho. Muchísimas gracias. 562 00:33:46,363 --> 00:33:49,527 Hey, next time, leave Chong at home. 563 00:33:50,601 --> 00:33:53,035 Okay. 564 00:33:53,071 --> 00:33:54,561 - What? - What? 565 00:33:54,605 --> 00:33:56,800 - What? What? - Jesus fucking Christ. 566 00:33:57,975 --> 00:34:00,374 Yo! G-G-Go! 567 00:34:00,410 --> 00:34:01,741 Go, go, go, go, go. 568 00:34:01,778 --> 00:34:03,508 - Who sent you?! - Holy shit! 569 00:34:06,817 --> 00:34:10,080 973 kids at least, two two-inch brownies apiece. 570 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,248 We're gonna need 42 boxes of brownie mix, 15 dozen eggs... 571 00:34:12,290 --> 00:34:13,917 - Oh, shit! - 11 bottles of canola oil, and... 572 00:34:13,958 --> 00:34:16,050 - Hector, clean-up on aisle two. - Fuck. 573 00:34:16,093 --> 00:34:17,755 - Hey, these are on sale. - So what, man? 574 00:34:17,795 --> 00:34:20,024 These are the ones that taste good. 575 00:34:20,063 --> 00:34:21,258 Wait, wait, wait. This is white cake. 576 00:34:21,299 --> 00:34:22,731 It's for me. 577 00:34:22,766 --> 00:34:27,227 # Stained roads # 578 00:34:27,271 --> 00:34:30,034 # Opposite direction # 579 00:34:30,073 --> 00:34:32,941 # Hearts are feeling cold # 580 00:34:32,977 --> 00:34:36,140 # Minds are dejected # 581 00:34:36,180 --> 00:34:39,080 # We want the same things # 582 00:34:39,116 --> 00:34:42,381 # Not just for ourselves # 583 00:34:42,419 --> 00:34:45,389 # Created for me # 584 00:34:45,423 --> 00:34:48,220 # A personal hell... # 585 00:35:01,004 --> 00:35:03,097 # Take this # 586 00:35:04,341 --> 00:35:06,969 # Take this with you # 587 00:35:07,010 --> 00:35:09,501 # The two do not exist # 588 00:35:09,546 --> 00:35:11,639 # In conjunction... # 589 00:35:11,681 --> 00:35:14,310 Dr. Gordon, the board members are here to see you. 590 00:35:14,352 --> 00:35:18,220 This is the most important day of your life. 591 00:35:24,428 --> 00:35:27,795 # Hold on to # 592 00:35:27,831 --> 00:35:30,994 # These ebbs and flows # 593 00:35:31,034 --> 00:35:34,492 # Please, please, please, don't let me... # 594 00:35:34,538 --> 00:35:36,369 Move. Dump them out, man. We gotta go, quick. 595 00:35:36,406 --> 00:35:38,204 No shit. 596 00:35:40,876 --> 00:35:41,935 Let's go. Come on, we gotta move. 597 00:35:41,978 --> 00:35:44,344 - Shut up. - Quicker, quicker, quicker. Let's go. 598 00:35:44,381 --> 00:35:45,904 - Okay. - Come on. 599 00:35:45,948 --> 00:35:49,112 - # Don't cut me, cut me out # - There's a car here. 600 00:35:49,152 --> 00:35:52,280 A shepherd must be held accountable for his sheep. 601 00:35:52,322 --> 00:35:54,483 That is why I welcome the board's review 602 00:35:54,524 --> 00:35:58,323 of our new zero-tolerance policy on controlled substances. 603 00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:00,659 Today, Morgan High is conducting 604 00:36:00,697 --> 00:36:03,893 its first ever student screening. 605 00:36:03,933 --> 00:36:06,926 No drug tests! No drug tests! 606 00:36:12,509 --> 00:36:13,999 Greetings, fellow Patriots. 607 00:36:14,044 --> 00:36:16,638 This is your assistant dean, Brandon. 608 00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:18,874 Just a reminder that today 609 00:36:18,914 --> 00:36:22,714 is the annual end-of-the-year PTA bake sale 610 00:36:22,751 --> 00:36:24,617 with benefits going toward 611 00:36:24,654 --> 00:36:28,885 the band and track team to get new uniforms. 612 00:36:28,924 --> 00:36:32,884 So don't count calories or carbs today. 613 00:36:32,929 --> 00:36:34,692 You know I'm not. 614 00:36:34,731 --> 00:36:38,131 # Necessity... # 615 00:36:39,401 --> 00:36:41,767 Today is the dawning of a new era here at Morgan. 616 00:36:42,938 --> 00:36:46,567 And I, Dr. Leslie Gordon, 617 00:36:46,609 --> 00:36:48,703 give you my personal assurance 618 00:36:48,745 --> 00:36:50,440 that you will never, ever 619 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,709 hear of another student from Morgan High 620 00:36:52,749 --> 00:36:56,378 being under the influence of any illicit drug 621 00:36:57,386 --> 00:36:59,377 ever again. 622 00:37:05,861 --> 00:37:06,954 Punch? 623 00:37:07,964 --> 00:37:11,057 These are fuckir good. 624 00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:20,299 All right, kids, we're only gonna get a few more chances 625 00:37:20,342 --> 00:37:23,277 to do this this year, so here we go. 626 00:37:23,312 --> 00:37:26,510 10, nine, eight... 627 00:37:26,550 --> 00:37:28,380 I really don't like doing this... 628 00:37:28,417 --> 00:37:30,578 seven, six... 629 00:37:30,620 --> 00:37:32,349 this is not a test... 630 00:37:32,389 --> 00:37:34,788 five, four... 631 00:37:34,823 --> 00:37:38,315 get to class. 632 00:37:43,532 --> 00:37:45,625 But... but was it... 633 00:37:47,469 --> 00:37:49,734 Chicken quesadilla? 634 00:37:54,644 --> 00:37:56,441 What? 635 00:38:11,293 --> 00:38:12,954 Shit. 636 00:38:12,995 --> 00:38:15,088 What's the matter, man? 637 00:38:17,132 --> 00:38:19,293 I could fix you another one. 638 00:38:21,736 --> 00:38:23,671 Yo, Edwin, you all right, man? 639 00:38:23,706 --> 00:38:25,640 Chad, please take the roll sheet 640 00:38:25,674 --> 00:38:27,801 to the administration office. 641 00:38:27,843 --> 00:38:29,834 - Chad! - What? 642 00:38:29,878 --> 00:38:31,778 What? What? 643 00:38:31,814 --> 00:38:34,578 The roll sheet to the office. 644 00:38:34,617 --> 00:38:37,143 Oh, shit. 645 00:38:43,759 --> 00:38:46,352 Just go. 646 00:38:46,394 --> 00:38:49,228 Dana, Jeffrey, please read today's announcements. 647 00:38:55,738 --> 00:38:57,227 Wha... what? 648 00:38:57,271 --> 00:39:00,468 I got webbed hands. L... I've never noticed that. 649 00:39:20,428 --> 00:39:22,089 What? 650 00:39:22,130 --> 00:39:24,531 Name? 651 00:39:25,534 --> 00:39:27,023 Name! 652 00:39:30,072 --> 00:39:32,665 Uh... 653 00:39:32,707 --> 00:39:35,472 I have a nickname. 654 00:39:35,511 --> 00:39:39,640 Finger. Oh, and, um, Acorn Dick. 655 00:39:39,681 --> 00:39:42,309 It's un... it's unfortunate. 656 00:39:42,350 --> 00:39:44,409 So which one do you want first? 657 00:39:45,586 --> 00:39:48,647 Hands up. Got any sharp objects? Needles? 658 00:39:48,691 --> 00:39:51,124 Porta-Potty to your left. Here is the plastic... 659 00:39:51,159 --> 00:39:53,219 I like your... your tats. 660 00:39:53,262 --> 00:39:56,856 You're not on the Suicide Girls website, are you? 661 00:39:56,897 --> 00:40:00,095 Does this nurse look totally insectoid to you? 662 00:40:00,134 --> 00:40:02,534 Thought I saw you on there. 663 00:40:02,570 --> 00:40:04,037 I'll text you. 664 00:40:04,072 --> 00:40:07,099 What the fuck, man? People are losing their shit right now. 665 00:40:07,142 --> 00:40:09,132 According to... according to "Stoner of the Year," 666 00:40:09,177 --> 00:40:12,170 bud brownies are the most dangerous and terrifying inebriate. 667 00:40:12,214 --> 00:40:14,181 The thing about them is you keep getting higher and higher. 668 00:40:14,215 --> 00:40:17,184 It does not stop. How much kief did you use, man? 669 00:40:17,218 --> 00:40:21,655 Uh, you know, a smidge, a shake, a Martha Stewart steeze. 670 00:40:23,624 --> 00:40:26,593 Okay, I spilled it, all right? A shit-load. 671 00:40:26,627 --> 00:40:27,651 - All right... - Sebastian: Did you hear? 672 00:40:27,695 --> 00:40:30,391 Someone locked the PTA moms in the weight room. 673 00:40:31,467 --> 00:40:34,458 Looks like Dean Gordon installed that new surveillance system 674 00:40:34,502 --> 00:40:36,334 just in time. 675 00:40:38,138 --> 00:40:41,370 Oh, right, you wouldn't know. 676 00:40:41,409 --> 00:40:43,001 I mean, I only know because, of course, 677 00:40:43,044 --> 00:40:46,138 you know, I tutor his son Mark and I overheard it. 678 00:40:46,180 --> 00:40:49,343 Cameras everywhere. 679 00:40:49,383 --> 00:40:52,841 It's an Orwellian wet dream. 680 00:41:00,762 --> 00:41:02,251 - Henry, slow down. - We're going to jail. 681 00:41:02,295 --> 00:41:03,923 - Gordon caught us on camera. - We don't know that. 682 00:41:03,965 --> 00:41:06,433 - And even if he did, we can fix this. - Yeah? How? 683 00:41:06,467 --> 00:41:08,366 I don't know, the footage... we don't even know if they watched it. 684 00:41:08,401 --> 00:41:10,666 - We'll just fuckir find it. - Dr. Gordors son. 685 00:41:10,705 --> 00:41:12,332 Let's go have a chat with that veining dildo. 686 00:41:12,373 --> 00:41:13,840 Wait, no, no, no. I can't. I'm late for my first final. 687 00:41:13,875 --> 00:41:14,967 Forget your final. This is important. 688 00:41:15,009 --> 00:41:16,976 You don't get it, man. If I screw up my final, I'm just as fucked. 689 00:41:17,010 --> 00:41:18,501 Okay, I'll find that pimply dipshit and then I'll text you. 690 00:41:18,546 --> 00:41:20,247 All right. Thanks, man. 691 00:41:21,648 --> 00:41:23,310 I'ma tell you what hurts... 692 00:41:23,351 --> 00:41:25,012 having a daddy with glaucoma. 693 00:41:25,052 --> 00:41:27,019 Old man couldn't see shit. 694 00:41:27,053 --> 00:41:30,251 So I tried to score him, you know, an ounce of Chocolate Thai... 695 00:41:34,395 --> 00:41:36,555 Uh... 696 00:41:54,649 --> 00:41:58,584 This is cra... this is crazy. 697 00:41:58,618 --> 00:42:01,883 We are proud to have awarded an academic scholarship 698 00:42:01,922 --> 00:42:05,757 to one of only three living human beings to have beaten 699 00:42:05,793 --> 00:42:09,523 the Carnegie Mellon Red One Supercomputer at chess: 700 00:42:09,563 --> 00:42:11,054 Edwin Hunter. 701 00:42:11,098 --> 00:42:15,626 Elo rated as the third best chess player on the planet Earth. 702 00:42:17,871 --> 00:42:21,671 It looks like Edwin will have the first move 703 00:42:21,708 --> 00:42:23,699 because he's white. 704 00:42:25,278 --> 00:42:30,307 I mean... the white pieces. 705 00:42:30,351 --> 00:42:32,875 White always goes first. 706 00:42:32,919 --> 00:42:35,218 I mean, that is... 707 00:42:35,256 --> 00:42:38,223 the person with the white... oh, look. 708 00:42:39,392 --> 00:42:42,953 This pawn looks like my Uncle Neville's 709 00:42:42,995 --> 00:42:45,191 elongated nipple. 710 00:42:47,300 --> 00:42:51,066 - Rest in peace, you slut. - Music! Ahem. 711 00:42:51,104 --> 00:42:53,539 Would you all like to listen to some music? 712 00:43:03,083 --> 00:43:04,277 Dude, the white judge... 713 00:43:04,317 --> 00:43:08,048 the white judge knocked me to the joint for 25 to life 714 00:43:08,088 --> 00:43:10,750 for some fuckir sinsemilla, man. 715 00:43:10,790 --> 00:43:12,849 We already heard that one, too, asshole. 716 00:43:12,893 --> 00:43:14,554 Well, the world need to hear it, 717 00:43:14,594 --> 00:43:17,859 and they will in my book, 718 00:43:17,898 --> 00:43:20,559 "Alcatrizaz. " 719 00:43:20,599 --> 00:43:22,124 Shit. 720 00:43:31,544 --> 00:43:34,012 That sounded like a wet fart. 721 00:43:34,047 --> 00:43:37,948 Well, you'd know, incontinent slank. 722 00:43:37,983 --> 00:43:40,612 What the hell is going on around this place? 723 00:43:40,654 --> 00:43:42,588 Is someone trying to sabotage me? 724 00:43:42,622 --> 00:43:46,956 - Are you trying to bring me down? - Jesus, no. I've been paging you. 725 00:43:46,993 --> 00:43:50,827 No drug tests! No drug tests! 726 00:43:50,864 --> 00:43:53,162 Hmm. Batteries must have died. 727 00:43:53,199 --> 00:43:56,133 Sir, we've had an unusual number 728 00:43:56,168 --> 00:44:00,628 of students and faculty complaining of... 729 00:44:00,673 --> 00:44:04,838 confusion and... and dizziness. 730 00:44:04,878 --> 00:44:07,345 I haven't been feeling so sweet myself, 731 00:44:07,379 --> 00:44:10,247 so I was thinking that maybe it was a gas leak, 732 00:44:10,283 --> 00:44:12,148 so I called in 733 00:44:12,185 --> 00:44:16,416 an emergency... work... thingy. 734 00:44:16,455 --> 00:44:19,754 I want answers. Brainstorm this thing. 735 00:44:19,792 --> 00:44:21,817 There he is! 736 00:44:21,860 --> 00:44:24,420 What about our childrers right to privacy? 737 00:44:24,463 --> 00:44:27,922 - No unlawful search and seizure. - Yeah, fuck you! 738 00:44:27,968 --> 00:44:31,334 - Fuck you! - Man: Who do you think you are?! 739 00:44:31,370 --> 00:44:34,431 Oh, fuck, man. 740 00:44:37,276 --> 00:44:40,006 Ah, shit. 741 00:44:40,045 --> 00:44:41,877 - Hey. - What? 742 00:44:41,915 --> 00:44:43,882 You made me drop my ice cream. 743 00:44:43,916 --> 00:44:46,613 Why the fuck would you be eating it like that on a day like today? 744 00:44:46,653 --> 00:44:50,554 Because it tastes ambrosian when I'm buttstonked, 745 00:44:50,589 --> 00:44:53,616 but don't tell the cops that when they arrive. 746 00:44:53,660 --> 00:44:56,287 I'm on probation for a misdemeanor possession charge. 747 00:44:56,328 --> 00:44:58,262 - What? - Shit. 748 00:44:58,297 --> 00:45:01,232 You didn't think about gettir no fuckir Slurpee, kid? 749 00:45:01,266 --> 00:45:02,631 You like Slurpees, don't you? 750 00:45:02,668 --> 00:45:04,966 - Who me? - No, the... 751 00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:10,635 Man: Oh, man. 752 00:45:12,711 --> 00:45:14,679 - Fuck. - What? 753 00:45:14,713 --> 00:45:16,874 - What? - Shit. 754 00:45:16,915 --> 00:45:20,043 - Fuck. - What? 755 00:45:20,085 --> 00:45:22,883 - Fuck. - Paranoid and Charlyne: What? 756 00:45:22,921 --> 00:45:25,048 - What? - Fuck. 757 00:45:25,090 --> 00:45:26,887 What?! 758 00:45:30,829 --> 00:45:32,854 Get the fuck out of here. 759 00:45:45,444 --> 00:45:48,880 - I'm melting! - Martin. 760 00:45:48,914 --> 00:45:52,111 How many brownies did you eat? 761 00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:59,349 - 14? - Jesus H. Christ. 762 00:46:01,626 --> 00:46:03,424 Martin, look at me. 763 00:46:03,462 --> 00:46:06,123 You are really stoned right now, man. 764 00:46:06,164 --> 00:46:08,725 You look like you're about to summit Mt. Zion. 765 00:46:08,767 --> 00:46:10,496 We'll tell your daddy. 766 00:46:10,536 --> 00:46:14,165 You could get expelled, little man. 767 00:46:14,206 --> 00:46:17,004 Where do they record the security footage? 768 00:46:17,042 --> 00:46:19,635 Huh? Huh? 769 00:46:19,677 --> 00:46:21,475 - Come on, man. - Give the fuckir milk. 770 00:46:21,513 --> 00:46:23,413 Tell us, Martin, and you get the milk. 771 00:46:23,449 --> 00:46:25,416 In the library, in... in the back room. 772 00:46:25,450 --> 00:46:28,284 - My daddy has the keys. - Okay, okay, okay. 773 00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:30,480 If you speak a word of this to anyone and I'll make sure 774 00:46:30,521 --> 00:46:32,251 what you're feeling right now is permanent. 775 00:46:32,291 --> 00:46:34,724 I'm the pope of dope. I can make that happen. 776 00:46:34,759 --> 00:46:37,125 Maybe I just dosed the milk you just downed 777 00:46:37,161 --> 00:46:39,857 with high-grade liquid acid. 778 00:46:39,897 --> 00:46:42,024 Keep your mouth shut, homes. 779 00:46:44,202 --> 00:46:45,966 Well, did you?! 780 00:46:51,777 --> 00:46:54,301 Die, Leonard! Die! 781 00:46:54,345 --> 00:46:56,677 I'm gonna murder you! 782 00:46:56,714 --> 00:46:58,545 Perhaps you'd like some lunch? 783 00:46:58,583 --> 00:47:00,175 This is great, man. 784 00:47:00,218 --> 00:47:01,651 How are we supposed to get the keys from him? 785 00:47:01,686 --> 00:47:03,551 Are you joking? I wanna see what it looks like 786 00:47:03,588 --> 00:47:04,749 when someone is murdered. 787 00:47:04,790 --> 00:47:06,017 Ah! 788 00:47:06,057 --> 00:47:07,752 What if we could unlock the surveillance room 789 00:47:07,792 --> 00:47:09,192 without even going near Dr. Gordon? 790 00:47:09,228 --> 00:47:11,355 How, man? How? 791 00:47:22,173 --> 00:47:26,803 # Watch out, here we go again # 792 00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:31,872 # Just say my name and I will bend # 793 00:47:31,916 --> 00:47:35,352 # I'll kill you with my words # 794 00:47:35,385 --> 00:47:38,412 # And I'll kill you with mine... # 795 00:47:43,161 --> 00:47:44,651 Gordors a psycho. 796 00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:46,185 He canceled his wife's gym membership 797 00:47:46,230 --> 00:47:47,857 because he thought she was fucking her trainer, 798 00:47:47,899 --> 00:47:50,424 but gave her a spare set of keys so she could work out here. 799 00:47:50,468 --> 00:47:52,960 Must keep in shape with all the sport fucking she does. 800 00:47:53,005 --> 00:47:55,494 - Wait, what? - She's a cougar, dipshit. 801 00:47:55,539 --> 00:47:57,132 A fucking coug. 802 00:47:57,175 --> 00:47:59,472 What school have you been going to? Everybody's fucked her, man. 803 00:47:59,509 --> 00:48:01,410 - I-I haven't. - Well, everyone but you. 804 00:48:01,445 --> 00:48:03,345 - You haven't. - Everyone but us. 805 00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:05,144 - The Daves? - Shut the fuck up, all right! 806 00:48:05,183 --> 00:48:07,515 It's a breeze. I go out there, I distract her... 807 00:48:07,552 --> 00:48:08,541 Wait, let me guess, let me guess. 808 00:48:08,586 --> 00:48:11,612 While... while I commit another felony, sneak into the mers locker room, 809 00:48:11,656 --> 00:48:13,351 and then bing, bang, boom, and we dip. 810 00:48:13,391 --> 00:48:14,379 - Exactly. - Right. 811 00:48:14,424 --> 00:48:16,825 You grab the keys from her purse while we're having sex. 812 00:48:16,861 --> 00:48:18,350 What? 813 00:48:18,395 --> 00:48:22,799 # Just say my name and I will bend # 814 00:48:22,833 --> 00:48:24,824 # With mine. # 815 00:48:31,943 --> 00:48:34,377 Mind if I turn up the heat? 816 00:48:35,412 --> 00:48:39,440 Wha... what do you... what do you think you're doing? 817 00:48:39,483 --> 00:48:41,609 Having a hell of a day. 818 00:48:41,651 --> 00:48:43,517 Thought I'd chill the fuck out in the pool. 819 00:48:43,554 --> 00:48:45,351 You know, get out of here. 820 00:48:45,389 --> 00:48:46,879 Get out of here before you get yourself 821 00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:49,290 into some serious trouble, young man. Okay? 822 00:48:51,996 --> 00:48:54,429 I won't tell if you won't. 823 00:48:58,736 --> 00:49:02,102 Look, how the hell did you get in here? 824 00:49:02,138 --> 00:49:05,403 - Hmm? - I'm... I'm into you. 825 00:49:05,442 --> 00:49:07,070 Seriously, I'm down. 826 00:49:09,046 --> 00:49:10,274 I'm calling the police. 827 00:49:10,314 --> 00:49:12,373 You shut your blood clat, Mommy. 828 00:49:12,416 --> 00:49:14,315 What do you tink I came in here for? 829 00:49:14,351 --> 00:49:15,909 What did you just say? 830 00:49:15,952 --> 00:49:17,977 Let me peep them Babylons, you ras-clat. 831 00:49:18,021 --> 00:49:19,352 All right, listen, you little bastard. 832 00:49:19,389 --> 00:49:21,950 I'm gonna have you arrested so fast that your head will spin. 833 00:49:21,993 --> 00:49:25,428 - Do you understand me? - I ain't scared of no 5-0. 834 00:49:26,430 --> 00:49:28,091 - Why are you talking like that? - What? 835 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:31,992 Oh, yeah. 836 00:49:42,946 --> 00:49:45,074 - What is that? - What? 837 00:49:45,116 --> 00:49:47,583 Oh, I hear it. 838 00:49:47,617 --> 00:49:51,019 How weird. Is someone here? 839 00:49:51,055 --> 00:49:52,715 Hello? 840 00:49:52,756 --> 00:49:54,951 Let's stop this. 841 00:49:54,991 --> 00:49:57,289 Amanda? 842 00:49:57,327 --> 00:49:58,816 Hello? 843 00:49:58,861 --> 00:50:00,853 "Jizz coming out of my Johnson... " 844 00:50:00,897 --> 00:50:03,457 - That's just creepy. - I definitely hear somebody. 845 00:50:04,968 --> 00:50:07,869 "Hog in your mud... " 846 00:50:07,904 --> 00:50:10,100 Administration office? 847 00:50:10,141 --> 00:50:12,404 - Pass the towel. - No. 848 00:50:19,916 --> 00:50:23,044 - Huh, that was weird. - Yeah. 849 00:50:23,086 --> 00:50:24,678 I can drive tonight if you want. 850 00:50:24,721 --> 00:50:25,949 Fuck, yeah! 851 00:50:25,989 --> 00:50:28,220 You were like the star of your own ninja porno back there... 852 00:50:28,259 --> 00:50:30,123 "Enter the Cougar. " 853 00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:33,994 - Watch this, biatch. - There's the old sense of humor. 854 00:50:34,030 --> 00:50:36,520 He's holding out on us, man. I know it. 855 00:50:41,437 --> 00:50:43,099 Fucking notebook? 856 00:50:44,541 --> 00:50:46,168 Español. 857 00:50:48,678 --> 00:50:50,703 What the hell is this shit? 858 00:51:00,723 --> 00:51:04,160 Need to freshen up a bit. 859 00:51:12,936 --> 00:51:14,425 This is gonna get ugly. 860 00:51:14,470 --> 00:51:17,803 A case can be made that things have already gotten pretty ugly, Edward. 861 00:51:19,208 --> 00:51:22,007 You read my mind, man. 862 00:51:22,045 --> 00:51:24,239 How you be doing that fuckir shit? 863 00:51:25,882 --> 00:51:28,372 You guys better wait here. 864 00:51:28,417 --> 00:51:30,978 - Gladly. - Fuckir weirdos. 865 00:51:31,020 --> 00:51:33,011 Paranoid: Don't... don't... don't make no eye contact. 866 00:51:33,055 --> 00:51:35,580 They've got laser blades. They can reset your brain. 867 00:51:36,592 --> 00:51:38,082 Thanks for the warning. 868 00:51:39,162 --> 00:51:41,095 Flies in the web. Yeah, we got 'em. Reel 'em. 869 00:51:49,839 --> 00:51:51,602 Okay, where's my piss pump? 870 00:51:51,641 --> 00:51:54,404 We have to rig that shit up before we get chi-chi faced. 871 00:51:54,443 --> 00:51:55,808 Here. 872 00:51:58,881 --> 00:52:01,577 This one has a black prosthetic dick, asshole. 873 00:52:01,617 --> 00:52:05,815 - What if they take a look, man? - Maybe you just have a tan cock. 874 00:52:08,925 --> 00:52:10,551 Give me your cock. 875 00:52:10,592 --> 00:52:12,652 Looks Latino. 876 00:52:12,695 --> 00:52:14,491 Fine, take that cock. 877 00:52:14,530 --> 00:52:18,296 I'll wear your black shriveled dick. 878 00:52:22,104 --> 00:52:23,594 Wait. 879 00:52:23,639 --> 00:52:27,736 Let's make sure there are no motherfuckers in here listening. 880 00:53:12,020 --> 00:53:14,853 I'm a surveillance room key. What do I look like? 881 00:53:14,890 --> 00:53:17,858 Move Neville's nipple or suck on it already, biatch. 882 00:53:19,761 --> 00:53:22,228 - Try them again. - I did, man, all of them. Twice. 883 00:53:22,263 --> 00:53:24,664 This must be the door. So where's the fuckir key? 884 00:53:24,700 --> 00:53:26,429 What's poppir off, gentlemen? 885 00:53:26,468 --> 00:53:29,869 - Care for a bite, Henry? - Uh, no, thanks. 886 00:53:29,905 --> 00:53:32,271 - I'm, uh, fasting. - Oh, well, that's a shame. 887 00:53:32,307 --> 00:53:33,796 I've heard they're delicious. 888 00:53:33,841 --> 00:53:37,539 Too bad chocolate reminds me of human feces. 889 00:53:37,579 --> 00:53:40,046 - Weird day, isn't it? - It's high school. 890 00:53:40,081 --> 00:53:44,212 Everyday is weird. See you, Sebastian. 891 00:53:44,253 --> 00:53:47,450 I found a dumpster full of brownies. 892 00:53:51,660 --> 00:53:53,957 I ask you, 893 00:53:53,995 --> 00:53:56,396 why would someone wanna throw away 894 00:53:56,431 --> 00:53:58,796 so many perfectly good brownies? 895 00:54:00,601 --> 00:54:03,297 You should have a brownie. 896 00:54:03,337 --> 00:54:07,001 - Pure THC kills nausea. - Henry: Fuck off, Doctor. 897 00:54:07,042 --> 00:54:11,308 - # I am the walrus! # - Boy: Coo coo ca choo. 898 00:54:12,880 --> 00:54:14,814 We should get this whole school high more often. 899 00:54:15,850 --> 00:54:17,818 - More often? - Yeah, on a scale 900 00:54:17,852 --> 00:54:20,686 between a prostate exam and a reggae festival, 901 00:54:20,722 --> 00:54:23,019 it's somewhere around giving your mother multiple orgasms. 902 00:54:23,057 --> 00:54:24,548 What kind of scale is that? 903 00:54:24,593 --> 00:54:27,425 You know, you find this really fuckir funny, don't you? 904 00:54:27,461 --> 00:54:29,862 This could really tarnish your. 65 GPA. 905 00:54:29,898 --> 00:54:33,025 I mean, your bright future is totally hanging in the balance, Breaux. 906 00:54:35,870 --> 00:54:38,897 Yeah, I... I do have plans, for your information. 907 00:54:38,941 --> 00:54:41,932 The Daves and I, we wanna travel, 908 00:54:41,976 --> 00:54:45,434 learn to play the sitar, and then eventually settle somewhere else. 909 00:54:45,479 --> 00:54:47,470 Maybe Nicaragua. 910 00:54:47,515 --> 00:54:50,679 You know, and I... I know buying land out there can be pretty sketchy 911 00:54:50,719 --> 00:54:52,207 because the government can pretty much jack it 912 00:54:52,252 --> 00:54:55,017 whenever they want, but fuck it, right? 913 00:54:55,056 --> 00:54:56,955 Wow, man. 914 00:54:56,990 --> 00:54:59,186 It's a hell of a plan, really. 915 00:54:59,226 --> 00:55:00,716 Oh, shit. 916 00:55:00,761 --> 00:55:02,593 - What? - Hi. 917 00:55:04,265 --> 00:55:05,391 Where is it? 918 00:55:05,433 --> 00:55:08,960 It's, uh... it's gone. It's gone, man. 919 00:55:09,003 --> 00:55:11,164 What? 920 00:55:11,205 --> 00:55:13,571 That's impossible. 921 00:55:13,608 --> 00:55:15,131 Where is it? 922 00:55:16,944 --> 00:55:21,677 There was enough kief to get this whole fucking school high. 923 00:55:57,117 --> 00:56:00,610 You sick, twisted fucks. 924 00:56:02,622 --> 00:56:05,091 You did get the whole school high. 925 00:56:06,827 --> 00:56:10,763 Now... now, that's just the most mental thing I've ever seen. 926 00:56:17,303 --> 00:56:19,329 But you pinched the wrong mars load. 927 00:56:19,373 --> 00:56:21,738 Okay, okay, we'll pay you back. We'll pay it back, okay? 928 00:56:21,775 --> 00:56:25,041 - You don't have enough. - There's cameras, there's cameras. 929 00:56:25,079 --> 00:56:27,376 There's cameras?! 930 00:56:27,414 --> 00:56:29,315 - Oh, shit! Oh, shit! - There's cameras? 931 00:56:29,350 --> 00:56:34,278 Where's the camera? Where's the camera? 932 00:56:34,320 --> 00:56:35,412 Huh? Huh? Where's the camera? 933 00:56:35,455 --> 00:56:37,356 Where's the camera? Is that a camera? 934 00:56:37,391 --> 00:56:38,721 - No, no. No, no, no. Okay. - Oh, shit. 935 00:56:38,758 --> 00:56:40,191 You think I give a fuck about cameras? 936 00:56:40,226 --> 00:56:42,627 The bake sale... they're raising money. 937 00:56:42,663 --> 00:56:44,153 - How much? - I don't know! I don't know! 938 00:56:44,198 --> 00:56:46,461 I don't know. We'll pay it back, we'll pay it back. 939 00:56:46,499 --> 00:56:48,331 - We'll find it. - I want it in an hour. 940 00:56:48,369 --> 00:56:49,666 - Two hours. - What the fuck? 941 00:56:49,704 --> 00:56:51,398 Two hours. Please, please. 942 00:56:51,438 --> 00:56:53,201 That'll get you till the end of the day. 943 00:56:54,441 --> 00:56:57,774 And then we're gonna have a very 944 00:56:57,811 --> 00:57:01,213 serious talk. 945 00:57:01,248 --> 00:57:04,683 - Huh? - Okay, okay, okay. 946 00:57:04,718 --> 00:57:08,177 Does this happen to you a lot? 947 00:57:08,221 --> 00:57:10,555 What the fuck are we gonna do about that freak Sebastian 948 00:57:10,591 --> 00:57:12,080 and Dr. Gordors surveillance footage? 949 00:57:12,125 --> 00:57:13,387 Fuck that. Let's worry about 950 00:57:13,426 --> 00:57:15,155 staying out of the morgue first, then jail. 951 00:57:15,195 --> 00:57:16,856 - What? - We find the bake sale cash box 952 00:57:16,896 --> 00:57:18,056 and we pay off Psycho Ed. 953 00:57:18,098 --> 00:57:19,087 And we have a whole two hours. 954 00:57:19,132 --> 00:57:20,360 - Right. - "Thank you, Breaux. " 955 00:57:20,400 --> 00:57:23,028 Right, which gives us till about 10 after 12. 956 00:57:23,069 --> 00:57:25,368 Fuck! No, I can't. I've got my computer skills final. 957 00:57:25,406 --> 00:57:27,600 All right, I'll fuckir deal. Go be a superstar. 958 00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:29,370 There's tape on the keys. 959 00:57:29,410 --> 00:57:31,741 - How am I supposed to type? - Dana: It's a final, you 'tard. 960 00:57:31,778 --> 00:57:33,870 You're not supposed to see the keys. 961 00:57:35,615 --> 00:57:37,947 I think. 962 00:57:37,984 --> 00:57:39,645 Miss Unger? 963 00:57:40,687 --> 00:57:42,177 Hello? 964 00:57:43,491 --> 00:57:48,052 Hello. I was just drawing a picture of my cat Bryan. 965 00:57:48,094 --> 00:57:50,619 I named him after Bryan Adams. 966 00:57:50,663 --> 00:57:53,496 All right, let's take a test. 967 00:57:54,834 --> 00:57:59,965 Boy, he's a very sexy singer. 968 00:58:00,006 --> 00:58:03,669 I used to pretend that my glass dildo 969 00:58:03,710 --> 00:58:08,511 was, in fact, Mr. Adams' erect 970 00:58:08,548 --> 00:58:12,917 glass-encased member... 971 00:58:12,952 --> 00:58:16,182 Because the forest wizard had turned him to glass, of course. 972 00:58:16,221 --> 00:58:20,885 So only the moistened walls of the village witch 973 00:58:20,926 --> 00:58:22,986 could return him to human form. 974 00:58:31,004 --> 00:58:33,631 Was that out loud or did I just think that? 975 00:58:38,110 --> 00:58:40,044 Isn't this the administration office? 976 00:58:40,078 --> 00:58:43,310 No, it isn't. It is my classroom. 977 00:58:44,383 --> 00:58:47,012 - I think. - Are you fucking with me? 978 00:58:47,053 --> 00:58:51,079 Excuse me, is that the attendance list I gave you this morning? 979 00:59:07,040 --> 00:59:09,838 You're positive Sharky left the cash box in Gordors office? 980 00:59:09,876 --> 00:59:13,038 - Yeah. Look, the money's in there. - Cool, cool. 981 00:59:13,078 --> 00:59:15,012 - So where's Sharky now? - No, no, come on! 982 00:59:15,047 --> 00:59:18,449 Horny man, I need your magical, geek power brain to be focused for this. 983 00:59:18,484 --> 00:59:20,144 No, man. Fuck that. 984 00:59:20,185 --> 00:59:21,812 I got the keys out of the womers locker room, man. 985 00:59:21,854 --> 00:59:23,345 - This one's yours. - That was simple. 986 00:59:23,389 --> 00:59:26,482 I had to tame a cougar. This is the administration office. 987 00:59:26,525 --> 00:59:27,891 Yeah, you're the career criminal, man. 988 00:59:27,927 --> 00:59:29,861 - This should be, like, easy for you. - Right. You're right. 989 00:59:29,896 --> 00:59:32,591 L... I'm, you know, suspicious. 990 00:59:32,631 --> 00:59:35,395 And you, you're the straight-arrow, tight-ass geek. 991 00:59:35,434 --> 00:59:36,662 Oh, so maybe I should smoke weed all day 992 00:59:36,702 --> 00:59:38,363 and I wouldn't have to do any hard work. 993 00:59:38,403 --> 00:59:39,734 Yeah, well, maybe I should get some straight As 994 00:59:39,771 --> 00:59:41,602 and hang out with some flip-flop floobie-doos who eat glue. 995 00:59:41,640 --> 00:59:43,699 Yeah, there's a minimum IQ requirement to be in the auto club. 996 00:59:43,742 --> 00:59:47,770 Is there a minimum vagina requirement to be in the IQ club? 997 00:59:47,814 --> 00:59:50,145 No. 998 00:59:54,920 --> 00:59:57,286 All right, we're gonna have to clear the office. 999 00:59:57,322 --> 01:00:00,120 Oh, fuck! 1000 01:00:00,158 --> 01:00:03,355 This is intense. 1001 01:00:03,395 --> 01:00:04,953 Shit. 1002 01:00:04,997 --> 01:00:06,659 - There you are. - Mom? 1003 01:00:06,699 --> 01:00:09,861 Oh, my God. Dude, how blazed are you two? 1004 01:00:09,902 --> 01:00:12,894 You tried to hold out on us, you fuck. 1005 01:00:13,905 --> 01:00:16,340 Oh, shit. 1006 01:00:18,644 --> 01:00:21,636 - Just tell my mom I love her, man. - You tell her yourself. 1007 01:00:21,680 --> 01:00:24,274 - No, man. - Pull it together. 1008 01:00:24,316 --> 01:00:27,149 Little Dave, you know that stunt you've been yammering about? 1009 01:00:27,185 --> 01:00:29,416 - Yeah. - Yeah, well, now would be perfect. 1010 01:00:29,455 --> 01:00:30,921 Why now? 1011 01:00:33,090 --> 01:00:36,652 We dosed the whole school. We need a distraction. 1012 01:00:38,262 --> 01:00:40,424 - That sounded weird. - What? 1013 01:00:40,465 --> 01:00:42,365 What? 1014 01:00:42,401 --> 01:00:44,767 Oh! 1015 01:00:55,146 --> 01:00:57,580 May I have your attention, please? 1016 01:00:57,615 --> 01:01:00,847 Witness the death-defying stunt 1017 01:01:00,886 --> 01:01:02,786 never before attempted. 1018 01:01:02,821 --> 01:01:07,485 Little Dave Klein is gonna jump off the library balcony 1019 01:01:07,526 --> 01:01:12,361 on his motherfuckir skateboard! 1020 01:01:12,397 --> 01:01:13,920 Yeah! 1021 01:01:16,835 --> 01:01:18,166 The balcony. 1022 01:01:20,871 --> 01:01:23,306 - Go for it, Dave. - It's suicide! 1023 01:01:23,342 --> 01:01:24,831 - Let's check it out! - Let's roll this shit. 1024 01:01:31,916 --> 01:01:34,680 Whoo! 1025 01:01:34,719 --> 01:01:36,187 Yeah! 1026 01:01:36,221 --> 01:01:38,279 Whoa! Oh! 1027 01:01:38,322 --> 01:01:40,848 Whoa! Yes! 1028 01:01:43,861 --> 01:01:46,228 That was some "Faces of Death" shit, homes. 1029 01:01:46,264 --> 01:01:49,391 - I can feel skin flapping. - What? 1030 01:01:49,433 --> 01:01:52,061 Seriously, I think I've ripped my sack, man. 1031 01:01:53,804 --> 01:01:55,738 I should have tenured at Stanford. 1032 01:02:19,430 --> 01:02:21,193 Tameka? 1033 01:02:22,266 --> 01:02:25,326 - Tameka! - I'm sorry. There was an incident. 1034 01:02:25,369 --> 01:02:27,303 Here's your coffee. 1035 01:02:30,341 --> 01:02:33,105 - I'm so sorry? - Thank you. 1036 01:02:34,412 --> 01:02:35,743 Is there anything else, sir? 1037 01:02:35,780 --> 01:02:37,907 - The gas man is waiting... - No, I'm finished. 1038 01:02:40,051 --> 01:02:43,384 Actually, there is 1039 01:02:43,421 --> 01:02:48,620 one small thing I'd like you to take care of, Tameka. 1040 01:02:48,659 --> 01:02:50,592 Oh, yes. 1041 01:02:50,627 --> 01:02:52,960 Yes, there is. 1042 01:02:58,736 --> 01:03:00,794 - The cops are coming. - What? 1043 01:03:00,837 --> 01:03:02,362 - They're on their way. - The police? 1044 01:03:02,406 --> 01:03:03,600 - Yes! - No, t-tell them 1045 01:03:03,641 --> 01:03:05,472 - that's everything's under control. - That's not gonna work. 1046 01:03:05,509 --> 01:03:08,273 Oh, God damn it! I'll be right there. 1047 01:03:15,419 --> 01:03:17,853 - Yeah! - Live the moment! Live it! 1048 01:03:20,858 --> 01:03:23,088 Fuck. 1049 01:03:23,127 --> 01:03:25,789 I lost count. Fuckir singles. 1050 01:03:28,332 --> 01:03:32,495 $2,403. 1051 01:03:32,535 --> 01:03:35,027 - That's a start. - Wait, a start? 1052 01:03:35,072 --> 01:03:37,471 - You said if we got you the money... - I said that it will buy you 1053 01:03:37,507 --> 01:03:39,271 till the end of the day. 1054 01:03:40,644 --> 01:03:43,305 This shit ain't even remotely close to the street value. 1055 01:03:43,346 --> 01:03:45,338 How much? 1056 01:03:50,053 --> 01:03:52,453 - 50. - Thousand? 1057 01:03:52,489 --> 01:03:56,926 No, cents, stupid. 50 fucking thousand. 1058 01:03:56,960 --> 01:03:58,451 US. 1059 01:03:59,563 --> 01:04:03,260 Let's call it 49, since I like you guys, huh? 1060 01:04:03,300 --> 01:04:06,462 You're both fuckir nuts. Huh? 1061 01:04:06,503 --> 01:04:09,404 - I'll be waiting in the parking lot. - So you're just leaving, then? 1062 01:04:09,439 --> 01:04:10,929 You don't see what's going on here? 1063 01:04:10,974 --> 01:04:12,373 You don't see what we're up against? 1064 01:04:12,408 --> 01:04:14,672 We could use a psychoism fiend with a lot of green 1065 01:04:14,711 --> 01:04:16,201 and you're turning your back on us. 1066 01:04:16,246 --> 01:04:19,477 Go take care of yourself, Ed. 1067 01:04:19,516 --> 01:04:20,813 Guess it's what you're best at. 1068 01:04:20,850 --> 01:04:23,615 I'm not fucking around! 1069 01:04:23,654 --> 01:04:25,883 The money or you're both marked, man. 1070 01:04:29,459 --> 01:04:31,393 Weed legends or not. 1071 01:04:38,034 --> 01:04:40,195 We're live at the prestigious Morgan High School 1072 01:04:40,236 --> 01:04:43,940 where a group of angry parents are protesting the school's decision 1073 01:04:43,975 --> 01:04:45,932 - to drug test... - Who are you? 1074 01:04:45,976 --> 01:04:48,966 - We're with Channel 5 News. - That thing's on? 1075 01:04:50,480 --> 01:04:51,572 Yes, we're live right now. 1076 01:04:51,614 --> 01:04:53,877 What would you like to say to Headmaster Gordon? 1077 01:04:53,916 --> 01:04:57,216 - Is he watching? - If he were watching. 1078 01:04:58,288 --> 01:05:01,621 What do you mean "were"? W- Was he watching? 1079 01:05:01,658 --> 01:05:04,184 - Is this the past? - Cut the feed. 1080 01:05:04,228 --> 01:05:06,218 Is that that same school? 1081 01:05:06,262 --> 01:05:08,695 The gas company dude says that it's not a gas leak. 1082 01:05:08,730 --> 01:05:11,291 We're checking the cafeteria for salmonella. 1083 01:05:11,334 --> 01:05:14,497 I mean, what else could it be, huh? 1084 01:05:14,537 --> 01:05:17,028 - Asbestos? - Those are the wrong symptoms, okay? 1085 01:05:17,073 --> 01:05:19,303 This is... this is more psychological. 1086 01:05:19,342 --> 01:05:23,177 It's kind of like God's eye watching itself. 1087 01:05:23,214 --> 01:05:24,407 Jesus! 1088 01:05:24,447 --> 01:05:27,416 Why is everyone acting like a bunch of baboons? 1089 01:05:27,450 --> 01:05:29,747 Yeah, I don't know. 1090 01:05:29,785 --> 01:05:32,846 It's... it's nuts, but we're having 1091 01:05:32,889 --> 01:05:35,187 a choice brainstorming session just like you asked. 1092 01:05:35,225 --> 01:05:38,456 No one leaves this place until we identify this problem. 1093 01:05:38,494 --> 01:05:41,224 Think, people! This thing is out of control! 1094 01:05:41,264 --> 01:05:43,698 We have to shut it down! 1095 01:05:45,335 --> 01:05:47,599 What? Hey. 1096 01:05:52,208 --> 01:05:54,107 Just think, you did that. 1097 01:05:54,142 --> 01:05:55,973 How's that for an accomplishment? 1098 01:05:56,011 --> 01:05:57,673 Right? 1099 01:05:57,714 --> 01:05:59,204 Oh, come on. 1100 01:05:59,249 --> 01:06:01,217 Look, it's not like he's irreparably damaged or anything. 1101 01:06:01,251 --> 01:06:02,275 - Leave me alone, Breaux. - He's gonna be fine. 1102 01:06:02,318 --> 01:06:04,286 I am sick of your pathological optimism. 1103 01:06:04,320 --> 01:06:06,845 My life is in the shit-house because of you. 1104 01:06:06,889 --> 01:06:08,378 I didn't put a gat to your dome. 1105 01:06:08,423 --> 01:06:11,586 You smoked that fatty. You puffed down. You got high. 1106 01:06:11,627 --> 01:06:14,255 You got you into this, you judgmental hypocrite. 1107 01:06:14,296 --> 01:06:16,492 And to think I did all this bullshit to try and help you. 1108 01:06:16,532 --> 01:06:18,499 I never had a single thing to lose, dumbass. 1109 01:06:18,533 --> 01:06:20,024 Yeah, man, you don't need to tell me you didn't have anything to lose. 1110 01:06:20,069 --> 01:06:21,832 Everybody knows that. 1111 01:06:25,341 --> 01:06:26,899 You know why we stopped being homies, Henry? 1112 01:06:26,943 --> 01:06:29,376 Come on, man. 1113 01:06:29,411 --> 01:06:31,572 It's when your dad left your mom. 1114 01:06:31,613 --> 01:06:34,013 And that puts you in the same place as me. 1115 01:06:34,049 --> 01:06:35,346 And having that thought in your skull 1116 01:06:35,384 --> 01:06:37,352 scared the shit out of you, didn't it? 1117 01:06:38,720 --> 01:06:40,712 That suddenly your life could be anything like mine. 1118 01:06:40,757 --> 01:06:43,486 - That's not true, man. - Fuck you. 1119 01:06:44,494 --> 01:06:46,587 You don't believe that truth, then fuck you. 1120 01:06:47,763 --> 01:06:50,789 Go ahead, give up, because I'm not done yet. 1121 01:06:50,832 --> 01:06:53,130 But I am sick and tired of your candy-ass whining 1122 01:06:53,168 --> 01:06:55,534 when fuckir one door separates us from that footage. 1123 01:06:55,570 --> 01:06:57,561 - And you can't... - Man, even if we could get in there... 1124 01:06:57,606 --> 01:06:59,096 I mean, even if we could destroy the footage... 1125 01:06:59,141 --> 01:07:00,608 I mean, what about Psycho Ed? 1126 01:07:00,642 --> 01:07:02,473 Man, where are we gonna get $50,000? 1127 01:07:02,512 --> 01:07:06,277 Who is Psycho Ed? 1128 01:07:06,315 --> 01:07:09,307 Suck my wispy left nut, Sebastian. You don't know shit. 1129 01:07:09,351 --> 01:07:11,079 Uh uh uh. 1130 01:07:11,118 --> 01:07:14,816 I know that you two got the student body 1131 01:07:14,856 --> 01:07:18,553 and the faculty high on marijuana brownies, 1132 01:07:18,593 --> 01:07:22,223 all because you didn't wanna risk screwing up your finals 1133 01:07:22,265 --> 01:07:25,358 and losing valedictorian to me. 1134 01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:27,699 And I know that five minutes from now, 1135 01:07:27,737 --> 01:07:29,362 Dr. Gordon will know as much himself. 1136 01:07:29,403 --> 01:07:30,392 If you say a word to anybody, 1137 01:07:30,438 --> 01:07:31,872 there's gonna be an 18-7 up in this bitch. 1138 01:07:31,907 --> 01:07:32,896 You feel me? 1139 01:07:32,941 --> 01:07:34,999 - Ah! Okay, okay. Ow! - What do you want, Sebastian? 1140 01:07:35,042 --> 01:07:37,807 - Ow. Okay, okay. Fuck! - What should have been mine. 1141 01:07:37,846 --> 01:07:40,441 And once you're exposed, 1142 01:07:40,483 --> 01:07:42,814 - I'll have it. - Okay. Ow! Ow! 1143 01:07:42,851 --> 01:07:44,842 Sebastian, I'll throw my English final. 1144 01:07:46,489 --> 01:07:49,081 If I fail it, you're valedictorian. 1145 01:07:49,123 --> 01:07:51,319 When you're expelled, 1146 01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:54,089 I'm valedictorian anyway, asshole. 1147 01:07:54,128 --> 01:07:56,791 By default. 1148 01:07:56,832 --> 01:07:59,858 But if I fail, you win by beating my GPA, 1149 01:07:59,901 --> 01:08:02,096 by earning it in the eyes of everyone else. 1150 01:08:04,740 --> 01:08:06,731 Fine. 1151 01:08:06,775 --> 01:08:10,404 If you fail, Henry, my lips are sealed. 1152 01:08:13,782 --> 01:08:16,080 Yes! 1153 01:08:19,154 --> 01:08:21,850 Do you people even realize 1154 01:08:21,890 --> 01:08:24,916 the significance of the Boston Tea Party? 1155 01:08:24,960 --> 01:08:27,121 I mean, think about it... it was tea. 1156 01:08:28,596 --> 01:08:30,826 A mere beverage. 1157 01:08:30,865 --> 01:08:34,460 It's like the beverage gave the oppressed people... 1158 01:08:36,904 --> 01:08:38,873 leverage. 1159 01:08:38,907 --> 01:08:40,272 Beverage. 1160 01:08:40,308 --> 01:08:44,335 - Say it with me, come on. Beverage. - Class: Beverage. 1161 01:08:44,379 --> 01:08:48,212 Be-ver-age, you know... 1162 01:08:48,249 --> 01:08:51,047 Lick it real slowly, like... 1163 01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:53,315 like it was the nipple, 1164 01:08:53,354 --> 01:08:55,254 - the teat of your own mother. - Beverage. 1165 01:08:55,289 --> 01:08:56,780 Beverage. 1166 01:08:56,825 --> 01:08:59,190 Ooh! 1167 01:08:59,226 --> 01:09:03,288 A sort of lurid chill goes up and down my spine. 1168 01:09:03,331 --> 01:09:05,525 Don't stop! Please, don't stop! 1169 01:09:05,566 --> 01:09:12,995 Beverage. Beverage. 1170 01:09:13,040 --> 01:09:15,133 Beverage. 1171 01:09:15,177 --> 01:09:19,135 Excuse me. Is there a Mr. Henry Burke? 1172 01:09:22,117 --> 01:09:24,677 You haven't visited us yet, Mr. Burke. 1173 01:09:24,719 --> 01:09:27,812 Can I borrow him for five minutes, please? 1174 01:09:27,855 --> 01:09:29,846 Say beverage. 1175 01:09:29,890 --> 01:09:33,553 Nice and slow. 1176 01:09:33,594 --> 01:09:35,994 - Beverage. - What the shit? 1177 01:09:36,030 --> 01:09:38,864 - Beverage. - Beverage, that's it. 1178 01:09:38,900 --> 01:09:42,494 Beverage. Beverage. 1179 01:09:43,504 --> 01:09:45,234 Thanks. 1180 01:09:53,113 --> 01:09:55,104 All right, turn around. Arms up. 1181 01:09:58,319 --> 01:10:00,344 Any needles? Sharp objects? 1182 01:10:00,387 --> 01:10:02,355 - All right. - What's this right here? 1183 01:10:02,389 --> 01:10:05,358 Oh, it's your penis. 1184 01:10:05,392 --> 01:10:07,222 Sorry about that. 1185 01:10:14,602 --> 01:10:16,569 Where have I felt this before? 1186 01:10:16,603 --> 01:10:19,835 Campus Stadium, best Dead concert ever. 1187 01:10:19,874 --> 01:10:23,139 I toasted one just before they opened with "US Blues. " 1188 01:10:23,177 --> 01:10:24,667 You were there, too? 1189 01:10:24,712 --> 01:10:26,840 You remember when we heard that it was gonna rain? 1190 01:10:26,881 --> 01:10:30,441 And everybody joined hands, young and old, 1191 01:10:30,483 --> 01:10:34,180 - and we sang that rain away. - We just sang it away. 1192 01:10:35,789 --> 01:10:37,689 Fuck me. 1193 01:10:37,725 --> 01:10:39,454 Whoa. 1194 01:10:39,493 --> 01:10:44,226 We are all buttstonked. 1195 01:10:44,265 --> 01:10:46,165 Nuh-uh. 1196 01:10:46,200 --> 01:10:49,032 The sticky green. 1197 01:10:50,804 --> 01:10:54,034 The cannabis sativa. 1198 01:10:55,276 --> 01:10:58,870 The sinsemilla! 1199 01:10:58,912 --> 01:11:03,179 But how does someone get the entire school roasted? 1200 01:11:04,585 --> 01:11:07,382 Oh, I... I got it, I got it. 1201 01:11:07,420 --> 01:11:09,412 I got it. 1202 01:11:10,757 --> 01:11:13,419 No, I lost it. I lost it. 1203 01:11:13,459 --> 01:11:16,792 I lost it. 1204 01:11:16,829 --> 01:11:18,821 I had it. 1205 01:11:18,866 --> 01:11:20,959 You're useless. 1206 01:11:27,639 --> 01:11:31,132 Wait, wait. Welcome back. 1207 01:11:31,177 --> 01:11:35,045 - Woman: Oh, heart. - Holy shit, that scared me. 1208 01:11:36,282 --> 01:11:39,081 Tameka, it's Brandon! 1209 01:11:39,119 --> 01:11:40,949 Quarantine the brownies 1210 01:11:40,987 --> 01:11:43,650 and send one away to get tested, okay? 1211 01:11:43,691 --> 01:11:47,649 Okay. Oh, and bring me a box of Cheez-Its. 1212 01:11:47,694 --> 01:11:49,457 All right, thanks. 1213 01:11:50,663 --> 01:11:54,394 Hey, Brandon, how does a brownie take a test? 1214 01:12:08,514 --> 01:12:11,142 Attention. 1215 01:12:11,184 --> 01:12:13,550 Can you hear me? 1216 01:12:13,586 --> 01:12:17,283 Hello, this is Brandon. 1217 01:12:17,323 --> 01:12:21,055 Um, all uneaten brownies need to be brought 1218 01:12:21,095 --> 01:12:22,652 to the administration offices. 1219 01:12:23,663 --> 01:12:25,154 Oh, no. 1220 01:12:25,199 --> 01:12:26,290 They have been contaminated, 1221 01:12:26,332 --> 01:12:28,492 so, please, don't eat them. 1222 01:12:28,533 --> 01:12:30,695 Please? 1223 01:12:30,737 --> 01:12:32,398 Don't... don't. 1224 01:12:32,438 --> 01:12:36,067 There is no need to panic. 1225 01:12:36,109 --> 01:12:39,510 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 1226 01:12:39,545 --> 01:12:41,479 Okay? 1227 01:12:43,216 --> 01:12:45,946 Everything is rad. 1228 01:13:09,141 --> 01:13:11,905 Mr. Burke, first time late, 1229 01:13:11,943 --> 01:13:13,878 ever. 1230 01:13:18,584 --> 01:13:22,520 Ah, well, it appears you've all had a pleasant lunch. 1231 01:13:22,555 --> 01:13:25,615 - The salmon was boss. - And the brownies were to die for. 1232 01:13:25,658 --> 01:13:28,592 So moist, so delicious. 1233 01:13:28,627 --> 01:13:30,857 Oh, my. 1234 01:13:30,896 --> 01:13:32,489 Shit. 1235 01:13:32,532 --> 01:13:35,159 This is a private meeting room. 1236 01:13:35,200 --> 01:13:38,466 You're fuckir with me. Arert you? 1237 01:13:39,471 --> 01:13:40,962 I'm... 1238 01:13:45,777 --> 01:13:48,837 I just... I didn't expect it to be so sad. 1239 01:13:52,217 --> 01:13:55,210 All those books, all that fire, I... 1240 01:13:55,254 --> 01:13:57,744 - Are you done with that? - Oh, yeah, go for it. 1241 01:14:01,160 --> 01:14:04,128 - Clean yourself up, Miss Tombs. - Fuck you. 1242 01:14:04,163 --> 01:14:06,096 Oh, my God. 1243 01:14:06,131 --> 01:14:08,565 Dr. Gordon? 1244 01:14:08,600 --> 01:14:11,194 Brandon wanted me to tell you that all the marijuana brownies 1245 01:14:11,236 --> 01:14:13,033 have been quarantined. 1246 01:14:14,040 --> 01:14:16,599 Um, what does she mean? 1247 01:14:20,480 --> 01:14:23,881 Um, there's been an incident, 1248 01:14:23,916 --> 01:14:25,508 but everything's under control, I assure... 1249 01:14:25,550 --> 01:14:27,244 The brownies we just ate? 1250 01:14:27,284 --> 01:14:32,120 They were more than likely, 1251 01:14:32,157 --> 01:14:36,821 uh, tainted with, ahem, 1252 01:14:36,862 --> 01:14:38,659 marijuana. 1253 01:14:42,802 --> 01:14:46,361 Yes, I... I think you're right. Do you all feel that? 1254 01:14:46,403 --> 01:14:48,497 It's kind of like my soul 1255 01:14:48,540 --> 01:14:50,905 were swimming within my own flesh. 1256 01:14:50,941 --> 01:14:53,172 It's rousing. 1257 01:14:54,513 --> 01:14:57,311 I think I just came. 1258 01:14:57,349 --> 01:15:00,216 Next up... Mr. Burke. 1259 01:15:23,842 --> 01:15:27,709 Um, "To be or not to be"... 1260 01:15:27,745 --> 01:15:30,271 Shakespeare's great question to his character Hamlet, 1261 01:15:30,315 --> 01:15:33,647 his great challenge to his audience in 1600 1262 01:15:33,684 --> 01:15:36,950 and today, over 400 years later. 1263 01:15:43,094 --> 01:15:45,561 Hamlet, huh? 1264 01:15:45,596 --> 01:15:47,621 What a fuckir pussy. 1265 01:15:47,665 --> 01:15:49,190 I mean, I didn't even read it. 1266 01:15:49,234 --> 01:15:52,600 I just Netflixed the DVD with that "Mad Max" douche-bag in it, 1267 01:15:52,636 --> 01:15:56,072 but his uncle iced his father, right? 1268 01:15:56,106 --> 01:15:59,042 Popped an 18-7 up in that motherfucker and he's talking to ghosts and shit? 1269 01:15:59,077 --> 01:16:01,272 All like, "Daddy, Daddy, what am I gonna do? 1270 01:16:01,313 --> 01:16:02,336 What am I gonna do?" 1271 01:16:02,379 --> 01:16:05,041 I mean, bitch, grow a pair of clackers and snap out of it. 1272 01:16:05,082 --> 01:16:07,016 I mean, clearly this dude needs some help. 1273 01:16:09,253 --> 01:16:12,017 Sad thing is 1274 01:16:12,056 --> 01:16:15,423 every time I think about Hamlet, I think about myself... 1275 01:16:17,229 --> 01:16:23,065 too... too cautious, too deliberate, planned perfection. 1276 01:16:23,101 --> 01:16:25,034 I'm reaching for the unreachable, 1277 01:16:25,069 --> 01:16:28,004 something that, quite honestly, I don't think is there. 1278 01:16:28,038 --> 01:16:30,598 And I get caught up in the bullshit of trying to be perfect. 1279 01:16:30,641 --> 01:16:33,940 I forget about what's right in front of me, 1280 01:16:33,978 --> 01:16:37,642 like the... like the other aspects of my life. 1281 01:16:39,917 --> 01:16:44,081 My mom's gonna love me whether or not I go to MIT. 1282 01:16:44,121 --> 01:16:46,646 And, you know, being valedictorian 1283 01:16:46,690 --> 01:16:48,180 is not that big a deal, really. 1284 01:16:48,225 --> 01:16:49,988 I mean, it may seem important now, 1285 01:16:50,027 --> 01:16:51,824 but in 10 years, you know, that's just gonna be shit 1286 01:16:51,862 --> 01:16:53,830 that made me miss the other moments, 1287 01:16:53,864 --> 01:16:57,766 the stuff I wanted to do 1288 01:16:57,801 --> 01:17:00,999 but I talked myself out of, 1289 01:17:01,039 --> 01:17:04,769 stuff my heart wants but logic would trip over 1290 01:17:04,808 --> 01:17:09,939 like grabbing life by the balls 1291 01:17:09,980 --> 01:17:12,608 and going after the girl I always thought was hot. 1292 01:17:16,820 --> 01:17:19,153 She's too hot for me. 1293 01:17:21,458 --> 01:17:23,450 So what's the point? 1294 01:17:25,396 --> 01:17:29,389 When you want so hard for it to be 1295 01:17:29,433 --> 01:17:32,230 and it's just not to be, 1296 01:17:32,268 --> 01:17:34,260 there's nothing you can do about it. 1297 01:17:41,946 --> 01:17:44,709 Uh, so anyway... 1298 01:17:47,217 --> 01:17:50,879 Hamlet's a punk-ass bitch and Shakespeare's massively overrated. 1299 01:17:56,694 --> 01:17:58,389 Oh, shit. 1300 01:18:08,705 --> 01:18:09,933 Oh, fuck. 1301 01:18:17,614 --> 01:18:19,808 Yo, Henry. 1302 01:18:25,722 --> 01:18:28,190 I'll go out with you, dude. 1303 01:18:30,627 --> 01:18:32,116 Yeah. 1304 01:18:33,830 --> 01:18:36,994 Okay. Well, that's all I wanted to say. 1305 01:18:37,034 --> 01:18:40,197 # There's a lot of lies # 1306 01:18:40,237 --> 01:18:44,866 # I'd like to get out of my head... # 1307 01:18:47,043 --> 01:18:48,807 Jesus. 1308 01:18:50,113 --> 01:18:52,547 You're not sayir that because you're high as fuck right now, right? 1309 01:18:52,582 --> 01:18:55,210 High as fuck right now? 1310 01:18:55,251 --> 01:18:57,185 # Out of my head... # 1311 01:18:57,220 --> 01:19:00,850 - We all are. - # Out of my head... # 1312 01:19:07,730 --> 01:19:10,130 # Out of my head. # 1313 01:19:10,166 --> 01:19:13,897 Hey, I thought we had a deal. 1314 01:19:16,305 --> 01:19:17,739 You know what? 1315 01:19:17,775 --> 01:19:20,572 You can go fuck yourself, you warped piece of shit. 1316 01:19:23,480 --> 01:19:25,639 Bravo, Henry. 1317 01:19:32,789 --> 01:19:35,656 Salutatoriars a pretty big deal, too. 1318 01:19:39,362 --> 01:19:41,058 Tameka, have Brandon pull up 1319 01:19:41,098 --> 01:19:43,646 the surveillance footage from the gym this morning 1320 01:19:43,681 --> 01:19:46,195 and summon Travis Breaux and Henry Burke to my office. 1321 01:19:46,235 --> 01:19:48,726 Oh, and put on a fresh pot of coffee. 1322 01:19:57,180 --> 01:20:00,082 - Ahh. - Right away, Dr. Gordon, but... 1323 01:20:00,117 --> 01:20:02,107 No buts, Tameka. 1324 01:20:02,151 --> 01:20:06,645 Except yours in my face, you fuckir... 1325 01:20:09,625 --> 01:20:13,685 It's just that Travis Breaux is already here to see you, sir. 1326 01:20:33,483 --> 01:20:36,043 # I know you're livir life in a hurry # 1327 01:20:36,085 --> 01:20:39,646 # So afraid to take it slow, 'cause reality is scary... # 1328 01:20:39,689 --> 01:20:40,951 Henry Burke, 1329 01:20:40,990 --> 01:20:43,151 please report to the administration office. 1330 01:20:44,893 --> 01:20:48,352 Henry Burke, please report to the administration office. 1331 01:20:48,397 --> 01:20:50,694 Shit! 1332 01:20:50,732 --> 01:20:53,463 Where the fuck is the administration office, man? 1333 01:20:53,503 --> 01:20:57,940 # Ooh, oh, how the hell did shit get so real? # 1334 01:20:57,974 --> 01:21:00,874 # It's hard for me to deal # 1335 01:21:00,909 --> 01:21:05,676 # Sometimes I just sit and think, I thought it would be... # 1336 01:21:05,714 --> 01:21:09,741 I've never felt so good in my life! It feels so good! 1337 01:21:11,420 --> 01:21:13,546 It feels so good 1338 01:21:13,588 --> 01:21:15,921 to be alive 1339 01:21:15,958 --> 01:21:19,188 and an assistant dean! 1340 01:21:19,227 --> 01:21:22,163 # I swear I never felt so alive... # 1341 01:21:22,198 --> 01:21:26,395 Sunshine! Oh! 1342 01:21:29,404 --> 01:21:31,497 - Talk to me, Goose. - Goose? 1343 01:21:31,540 --> 01:21:34,339 - It's me. I've got the video up. - Bitchir. 1344 01:21:34,377 --> 01:21:36,140 So I'm just gonna burn a copy and bring it up 1345 01:21:36,178 --> 01:21:37,509 to Dr. Gordors office, then. 1346 01:21:37,546 --> 01:21:40,482 No, wait... no. No, no, no. 1347 01:21:40,516 --> 01:21:42,506 Make a copy, don't burn it. 1348 01:21:42,551 --> 01:21:45,111 Make a copy and then bring it to Dr. Gordors office. 1349 01:21:45,153 --> 01:21:48,178 Don't burn it. Idiot. 1350 01:21:48,222 --> 01:21:50,623 Henry Burke, please report 1351 01:21:50,659 --> 01:21:52,149 to the administration office immediately. 1352 01:21:52,194 --> 01:21:55,322 - Aw, shit! - Busted. 1353 01:21:55,363 --> 01:21:57,854 - What do we do? - Hide the rest of the evidence. 1354 01:21:57,899 --> 01:21:59,424 Where did we leave it? 1355 01:22:07,943 --> 01:22:11,435 Tameka: "Tameka. Oh, Tameka, I need my coffee. 1356 01:22:11,479 --> 01:22:12,707 Black, extra sugar. " 1357 01:22:12,747 --> 01:22:15,113 Choke on it, motherfucker. 1358 01:22:35,537 --> 01:22:37,937 Just set it down. 1359 01:22:46,748 --> 01:22:50,809 My lord, that's fucking good coffee. 1360 01:22:54,956 --> 01:22:57,618 Big day for you, Mr. Breaux? Yes? 1361 01:22:59,027 --> 01:23:01,086 Yes. 1362 01:23:04,098 --> 01:23:05,861 Fuck! 1363 01:23:12,239 --> 01:23:14,470 Girls: Whoa! Hey! 1364 01:23:17,778 --> 01:23:20,145 Just so you know, I have surveillance footage 1365 01:23:20,181 --> 01:23:22,513 being brought over here right now, 1366 01:23:22,550 --> 01:23:26,212 footage that caught you and all your demonic acts in plain view... 1367 01:23:26,253 --> 01:23:29,417 you and our valedictorian, Mr. Burke. 1368 01:23:31,292 --> 01:23:33,352 Henry has nothing to do with this. 1369 01:23:33,395 --> 01:23:36,488 So, you admit that you did? 1370 01:23:42,536 --> 01:23:45,369 Normally, discipline is a passive exercise for me. 1371 01:23:45,406 --> 01:23:48,034 On rare occasion I do relish it. 1372 01:23:48,075 --> 01:23:51,637 I must admit that when you go down, and... 1373 01:23:53,214 --> 01:23:55,875 Believe me, you will go down hard for this, 1374 01:23:55,916 --> 01:23:58,181 I will consider it one of the highlights 1375 01:23:58,219 --> 01:24:02,712 of my career... nay, my life. 1376 01:24:10,064 --> 01:24:12,532 Oh, no, helicopters. 1377 01:24:23,043 --> 01:24:24,908 What? What is he doing? 1378 01:24:24,945 --> 01:24:26,412 What's wrong with that kid? 1379 01:24:26,447 --> 01:24:28,711 I'll admit I'm no gem of a student, 1380 01:24:28,749 --> 01:24:31,377 and for whatever stress I've put my teachers through over the years, 1381 01:24:31,418 --> 01:24:34,616 I'm genuinely sorry, but there's something worse 1382 01:24:34,656 --> 01:24:37,715 than a kid who breaks the rules, fucks around, tokes down 1383 01:24:37,758 --> 01:24:41,956 on a bit of hakeem marijuolajuwon now and again. 1384 01:24:41,995 --> 01:24:45,192 A middle-aged pimp who pretends to be the judge 1385 01:24:45,232 --> 01:24:47,358 of all that is right and good in the world. 1386 01:24:47,400 --> 01:24:49,266 What happened to you? 1387 01:24:49,303 --> 01:24:51,396 Did you fail miserably somewhere along the lines 1388 01:24:51,438 --> 01:24:53,770 as a husband? A parent? 1389 01:24:53,807 --> 01:24:55,331 You think that if you purify 1390 01:24:55,376 --> 01:24:58,039 your Morgan High Kingdom of Nastiness, 1391 01:24:58,079 --> 01:24:59,375 you somehow purify yourself? 1392 01:24:59,413 --> 01:25:00,937 Is that it? 1393 01:25:04,318 --> 01:25:06,478 Well, the answer is... 1394 01:25:08,655 --> 01:25:10,145 no. 1395 01:25:17,998 --> 01:25:20,626 What the shit?! What are you doing? 1396 01:25:20,667 --> 01:25:22,430 Get... get out of the van! 1397 01:25:22,469 --> 01:25:25,665 - What? - Get out of my fuckir van! 1398 01:25:25,705 --> 01:25:27,731 You broke the law, 1399 01:25:27,775 --> 01:25:30,174 you dosed the entire faculty and student body 1400 01:25:30,209 --> 01:25:32,201 with hazardous amounts of THC, 1401 01:25:32,246 --> 01:25:36,478 and you are going to jail, Breaux, 1402 01:25:36,517 --> 01:25:38,781 where you belong. 1403 01:25:38,819 --> 01:25:40,946 Oh, hell... 1404 01:25:40,988 --> 01:25:43,854 What the shit? You get the fuck out of my van! 1405 01:25:48,561 --> 01:25:50,325 Whoa! Fuck! 1406 01:25:50,364 --> 01:25:52,525 Oh, fuck! Oh! 1407 01:26:00,140 --> 01:26:02,937 Oh, piss is on me! 1408 01:26:08,681 --> 01:26:11,650 My God, he is good. 1409 01:26:13,119 --> 01:26:15,714 Checkmate, Navaline. 1410 01:26:15,756 --> 01:26:18,246 Checkmate. 1411 01:26:19,460 --> 01:26:22,394 You should see your face right now. 1412 01:26:22,428 --> 01:26:25,625 You look like my cat, 1413 01:26:25,665 --> 01:26:28,567 Dolly, 1414 01:26:28,601 --> 01:26:34,336 just as we pierced her abscess sans nitrous oxide. 1415 01:26:34,374 --> 01:26:36,807 You prick. 1416 01:26:49,789 --> 01:26:51,724 Tick, tick, tick. 1417 01:27:11,444 --> 01:27:13,503 Are the police here, God damn it? 1418 01:27:13,546 --> 01:27:15,538 They're on their way. 1419 01:27:19,018 --> 01:27:21,851 Time seems to be moving very slowly. 1420 01:27:24,089 --> 01:27:26,456 Jesus fucking Christ. 1421 01:27:29,729 --> 01:27:33,187 Aw, hell, no. 1422 01:27:33,232 --> 01:27:40,033 - What? - What? 1423 01:27:45,144 --> 01:27:46,371 Dr. Gordon: Wha... 1424 01:28:12,538 --> 01:28:15,098 Tameka, have any more of that coffee? 1425 01:28:15,141 --> 01:28:17,666 Oh, yeah, I should score some of that. 1426 01:28:17,710 --> 01:28:19,701 You already drank all the coffee, sir. 1427 01:28:19,745 --> 01:28:21,405 Damn! 1428 01:28:21,446 --> 01:28:24,847 - Going to a Huey Lewis concert? - Why? Is he on tour again? 1429 01:28:24,883 --> 01:28:26,350 Entrez-vous. 1430 01:28:26,384 --> 01:28:28,352 Sorry about the delay. 1431 01:28:28,386 --> 01:28:30,786 Something weird happened to the ray drive. 1432 01:28:30,822 --> 01:28:33,121 Luckily, though, I was able to make a back-up 1433 01:28:33,159 --> 01:28:34,785 before everything crashed. 1434 01:28:34,826 --> 01:28:37,990 Perfect. Go on, show it to us. 1435 01:28:38,030 --> 01:28:40,497 If a picture is won'th 1,000 words, 1436 01:28:40,532 --> 01:28:44,969 then this footage should be won'th 1,000 pictures, 1437 01:28:45,003 --> 01:28:49,804 which would equal a million... words. 1438 01:28:51,711 --> 01:28:55,511 Uh, Tameka, bring the Johnson file. 1439 01:28:55,548 --> 01:28:58,812 - Wait, this isn't... - Dr. Gordon on TV: Shut the door. 1440 01:29:08,193 --> 01:29:11,287 - Where would you like it? - The filing cabinet, please. 1441 01:29:11,329 --> 01:29:14,891 - Malcolm, what's going on around here? - I'll show you where I'd like it. 1442 01:29:14,934 --> 01:29:17,766 - What is... what... stop it! - Sweetie, it's all right. 1443 01:29:17,802 --> 01:29:20,965 Dr. Gordon, get off! That's my underwear, Dr. Gordon. 1444 01:29:21,006 --> 01:29:23,668 - What are you doing? - Stupid elastic. God damn it. 1445 01:29:23,708 --> 01:29:25,801 - Get... get off of me! - Daddy wants some chocolate! 1446 01:29:25,844 --> 01:29:28,039 Motherfucker, this ain't "Monster's Ball!" 1447 01:29:28,079 --> 01:29:30,980 - Dr. Gordon, get off! Get off! - Talk to me, baby! 1448 01:29:31,016 --> 01:29:34,110 I don't understand the... I... 1449 01:29:34,152 --> 01:29:36,746 - This is preposterous! - Back up! 1450 01:29:36,788 --> 01:29:38,848 You want your nuts stapled together? Is that what you want? 1451 01:29:38,891 --> 01:29:40,652 - No, no. - What is wrong with you? What the fuck? 1452 01:29:40,691 --> 01:29:43,217 - I'm... I'm... - Motherfucker, you ain't Billy Bob 1453 01:29:43,261 --> 01:29:44,728 - just 'cause you have a porn stash. - What? 1454 01:29:44,763 --> 01:29:47,789 - Never do that... never do that again. - I promise I won't, Tameka. 1455 01:29:47,832 --> 01:29:49,925 You don't understand. My wife has crabs. 1456 01:29:49,968 --> 01:29:51,697 - Ooh. - I can't help it. I'm... 1457 01:29:51,736 --> 01:29:53,863 You two, you can go now. 1458 01:29:53,905 --> 01:29:56,203 Wait! I've still got your piss. 1459 01:29:56,241 --> 01:29:58,436 I've got your pissss. 1460 01:29:58,476 --> 01:30:01,172 If there's so much as an errant molecule, 1461 01:30:01,212 --> 01:30:04,578 you will have to spend the rest of your lives 1462 01:30:04,615 --> 01:30:07,676 sans a high school diploma. 1463 01:30:07,719 --> 01:30:11,155 That's assuming inculpatory facts not in evidence. 1464 01:30:11,189 --> 01:30:13,453 Reveal your identity, sir. 1465 01:30:13,491 --> 01:30:15,721 - Shit, it's a trap. - What? 1466 01:30:15,760 --> 01:30:17,728 The police put a transmitter in my teeth. 1467 01:30:17,762 --> 01:30:20,424 I'm Edward Esquire, cheese-dick. 1468 01:30:20,465 --> 01:30:24,366 And it violates "Katz v United States," 1964, 1469 01:30:24,401 --> 01:30:25,994 when the Supreme Court set the standards 1470 01:30:26,037 --> 01:30:27,765 for reasonable expectations of privacy. 1471 01:30:27,805 --> 01:30:33,005 Certainly, one could argue that piss is highly private. 1472 01:30:34,512 --> 01:30:36,673 Furthermore, any statements by you 1473 01:30:36,715 --> 01:30:38,740 regarding these two little assholes 1474 01:30:38,783 --> 01:30:41,342 won't stand up in court because 1475 01:30:41,385 --> 01:30:45,185 you're blind off your gourd on really high-caliber mari-hoo-hoo, bro. 1476 01:30:47,091 --> 01:30:49,060 Drug test his ass, man. 1477 01:30:49,094 --> 01:30:51,119 Would you agree to submit to a drug test, sir? 1478 01:30:51,161 --> 01:30:52,651 - L... - For the record, 1479 01:30:52,696 --> 01:30:54,927 he made it very clear he didn't have any of the brownies. 1480 01:30:54,966 --> 01:30:57,559 Wha... honey-pie. 1481 01:30:57,601 --> 01:31:00,866 Would you agree to kiss my hairy sack? 1482 01:31:00,904 --> 01:31:03,930 If you wanna sue this prick for workplace sexual harassment 1483 01:31:03,974 --> 01:31:07,000 or, uh, score a chronic sack of doobies, 1484 01:31:07,044 --> 01:31:09,672 just, you know, page me. 1485 01:31:09,713 --> 01:31:13,445 Uh, Mr. Esquire? Can I have a card? 1486 01:31:15,519 --> 01:31:17,147 Did he molest you, too? 1487 01:31:17,188 --> 01:31:19,952 - In my mind. - That's nasty, dude. 1488 01:31:23,594 --> 01:31:25,118 Thanks. 1489 01:31:39,610 --> 01:31:41,771 Dr. Gordon, what do you have to say to the parents outside? 1490 01:31:41,812 --> 01:31:44,939 My... my balls feel all tingly. 1491 01:31:44,981 --> 01:31:48,179 Hi, son. 1492 01:31:48,218 --> 01:31:50,517 - Hi. - Fuck you. 1493 01:31:50,555 --> 01:31:52,488 Oh, how pleasant. 1494 01:31:52,523 --> 01:31:54,457 10-4. Principal is in custody, transporting back to station. 1495 01:32:06,904 --> 01:32:08,837 Take it easy! 1496 01:32:08,871 --> 01:32:10,567 Oh, I don't like that. 1497 01:32:10,607 --> 01:32:14,737 My colon. Oh, my spastic colon! 1498 01:32:16,847 --> 01:32:19,248 Hey, you bastards! 1499 01:33:04,694 --> 01:33:09,097 We should, uh, you know, kick it again sometime. 1500 01:33:09,131 --> 01:33:11,828 Come on, man. 1501 01:33:11,869 --> 01:33:13,530 - Be somebody. - Oh. 1502 01:33:17,407 --> 01:33:18,840 Be somebody. 1503 01:33:18,876 --> 01:33:20,365 - Yeah, that's what I said. - No, no. 1504 01:33:20,409 --> 01:33:21,933 - Be somebody. - Be somebody. 1505 01:33:21,978 --> 01:33:24,071 - Be somebody. - Got to... got to be somebody. 1506 01:33:24,113 --> 01:33:25,479 Twing, twing. 1507 01:33:25,515 --> 01:33:26,845 Weed done finally kicked in, man. 1508 01:33:26,883 --> 01:33:28,976 Yo, that's some four-dimensional shit. 1509 01:33:29,018 --> 01:33:32,250 Where the fuck is the administration office? 1510 01:33:32,288 --> 01:33:34,587 Are you fucking with me? 1511 01:33:34,625 --> 01:33:36,526 - What? - What? 1512 01:39:11,226 --> 01:39:18,295 Beverage, beverage. 1513 01:39:21,168 --> 01:39:23,830 Class dismissed. 1514 01:39:27,307 --> 01:39:30,902 Cut.