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[audience chanting]
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
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00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:17,392
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Give it up and make some noise
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for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias!
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-[song playing]
-[audience cheering]
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[song continues]
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[song fades]
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Chicago!
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About time we do a special here.
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[audience cheering]
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Before I say anything else, you guys,
a big hand for my friend,
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the man, the myth, the legend.
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Give it up for Martin!
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The two guys you see standing next to him
are two of my oldest friends.
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Not only are they friends,
they work for me.
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That’s Ivan and Tony.
Give Ivan and Tony a lot of love.
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[applause]
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In addition to that--
This is so special right here.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
handing me the microphone tonight
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is the NFL’s Coach of the Year...
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and a former member
of the baddest football team that ever...
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[audience cheering]
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stepped on a field,
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the 1985 Chicago Bears.
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Coach Ron Rivera!
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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I gotta do it one time.
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Da Bears.
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Whoo! [laughs]
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I am super excited, you guys.
Let me tell you.
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This is our 19th year
coming to Chicago, okay? Nineteen years.
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The first time I came here,
I got a chance to meet some people,
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and they says, “Gabriel,
have you ever been to Chicago?”
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“No, it’s my first time.”
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“We’d like to take you out to eat
if you’re down.”
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And I’m like, “Well, hello.
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I am very down.”
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They took me to a restaurant
called Portillo’s.
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[audience cheering]
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You heard of it?
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So we get there, and it was very good.
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The hot dogs were delicious.
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I had a chicken chopped salad.
It was amazing.
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Had a beef dip. Really good.
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But it wasn’t until the meal
was almost over
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that these new friends of mine said,
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“We’d like you to try something
you might not have ever had before.”
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I’m like, “That’s not likely.”
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I said, “What is it you want me to try?”
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“They sell a thing at Portillo’s
called a chocolate cake shake.”
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[audience cheering]
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I said, “You had me at ‘chocolate.’”
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They said, “You gotta go up to the window
and order it from the lady.”
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So I get up and walk over to the lady.
She’s like, “Can I help you?”
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I say, “My friends are telling me
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that I need to try this thing
called a chocolate cake shake.”
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“Okay. What size would you like?”
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“How good is it?” “You want a large.”
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“All right. Can I please have
a large chocolate cake shake?”
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“No problem.” [imitating beeping]
I pay, and she turns around.
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She turns around and walks over
to this refrigerator on the counter.
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She opens it up, and she pulls out
a piece of chocolate cake.
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I’m thinking to myself,
“She must’ve misunderstood what I said.
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I didn’t ask for
a piece of chocolate cake.
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I asked for a chocolate cake shake.”
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She must've heard what I was thinking,
’cause she’s walking by, like,
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“It’s gonna happen.”
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She walks over to the blender,
she takes the freaking lid off,
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and she just looks at me and does this.
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And I was like, “No!”
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And she’s like, “Oh, yeah.”
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[imitating blender whirring]
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She pours it and she hands me
this 44-ounce chocolate shake...
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which is way more
than anybody should be drinking.
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The straw was so thick,
you could almost fit your thumb in it.
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So I grab the shake,
and I begin to attempt to drink it.
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So I’m-- Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
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And I can see the shake coming up.
Mmm. Mmm.
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And it hit, and then all of a sudden--
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Whoo!
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Hell, you guys even have taco trucks.
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Now for anyone wondering
about taco trucks,
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let me just let you know right now.
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That is real good Mexican food.
I don’t want you being concerned, like,
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“No, there’s wheels
under that restaurant.”
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Well, sometimes
we don’t have a permit, okay?
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But it doesn’t mean the food is not good.
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For me to know I’m gonna have
a good experience at a taco truck,
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I always research.
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I look to see who’s running the truck.
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For me to know I’m gonna have a good time,
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I wanna make sure
that it’s an all-female crew.
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Not to sound sexist. It’s just that
when it’s all women running the truck,
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they make me feel good about myself.
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They make me feel special.
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When I walk up at one o’clock
in the morning, and I have a buzz,
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they make me feel good.
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[imitates knocking] “Hello?”
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They come to the window.
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“Hola, mi gordito. ¿Cómo estás?
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¿Cómo está ese gordito chulito?
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Ese gordito. Qué bonito.
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A ver. A ver. Ojitos. Ojitos.”
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I feel like a kid.
I’m like, “Can I have a taco?”
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“Whatever you want, mi hijito.
A taquito for you.”
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Now, when it’s an all Mexican male crew
running the truck--
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It’s late. They’re tired. They’re bitter.
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Customer service isn’t our strongest point
at one o’clock in the morning.
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Then you gotta deal
with a drunk knucklehead like me.
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[imitates knocking] “Hello?”
They come to the window.
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“¿Qué chingados quieres, pinche gordo?
What you want? What you want?”
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“Hey, what’s up, bro? Can I have a taco?”
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“Okay. What else?”
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“That’s it.”
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[clicks tongue] “Aah!”
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That’s not even a word!
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But you know
exactly what he just told you.
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For some reason, Mexican people,
and only Mexican people,
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have this sound that comes out of us
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that can just discredit
anything you put in front of it.
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It doesn’t matter what it is.
We can kill it with that sound.
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“I just graduated from college,
top of my class.”
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[clicks tongue] “Aah!”
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“Fine, I’ll work at Burger King.”
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“Papi, this is my fiancé. He loves me.”
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[clicks tongue] “Aah!”
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“Fine, I’ll be a whore.”
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And speaking of whores,
let me tell you where they put us up at.
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That’s a bad segue.
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No. There’s no whores at this hotel.
Listen.
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I would like to personally thank
the promoters
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for not only making this special happen,
but for taking really good care of us.
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They put us at a hotel
right across the street.
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And you know,
you know when you’re in a good hotel
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when you get inside of the elevator,
and it talks.
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It’s one of those.
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[imitates beep]
[female voice] “First floor.”
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[imitates beep] “Second floor.”
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[imitates beep] “Third floor.”
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I’m like, “Man, she sounds hot.”
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[imitates beep]
[female voice] “Fourth floor. Mmmm.”
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[imitates beep] “Fifth floor. Oh, yeah.”
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Martin asked me, “How far you going up?”
I said, “All the way.”
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I gotta see how this ends.
You know what I’m saying?
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[laughs] Oh, man.
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And by the way,
since the last time we were here,
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I’ve had a few things change in my life.
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Some things happened that were so crazy
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that I couldn’t even believe
it was a possibility.
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First thing that happened was,
I had my first ever celebrity death hoax.
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Meaning that someone faked my death
on the Internet, and it went viral.
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Someone wrote an amazing article
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that was read by over 30 million people
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that was so good, even I was like,
“Oh, my God. I was so nice.”
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TMZ reported it for 30 minutes,
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until they called my publicist
and confirmed that I was still alive.
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The article said
that I had died October 31
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from complications of Type II diabetes.
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And I’m thinking to myself,
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“That’s a hell of a day
to kill a diabetic.”
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You know what I mean? That’s like
killing Santa on Christmas Eve.
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Thirty million people read this article.
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No one thought to call me.
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Except Martin.
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-[audience cheering]
-That’s right.
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Martin was the only one that called me.
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And I think that was just to verify
that he still had employment.
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I got that phone call.
[imitates phone ringing, line connecting]
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“Hello?” Martin was like, “Hey.
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You dead?”
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“No, man. I’m good.”
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“I figured. You would’ve texted me.”
[imitates line disconnecting]
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And I would have,
’cause that’s the kind of friend I am.
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I even asked my son, Frankie.
I said, “Frankie, did you hear I died?”
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“That’s what they meant.”
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00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:20,680
“What do you mean,
‘That’s what they meant’?”
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“My friends were asking if you were okay.”
“What’d you tell them?”
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“I hadn’t seen you.”
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“So apparently I died.”
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“Welcome back.”
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And that’s another thing that’s changed.
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My son, Frankie, is now 18 years old.
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[audience cheering]
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00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:45,330
And one week away from graduation.
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[cheering continues]
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Yeah.
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You guys are clapping,
but he’s not leaving.
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I asked him. “Frankie,
what do you want to do with your life?”
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“Mm-mmm.”
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00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:02,222
“Have you thought about college?”
“Just now.”
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00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:07,560
I’m like, “Frankie, you do realize
that all you need to do is get accepted.
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00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:12,148
I tell a lot of jokes. I will pay
for your entire college education,
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no matter where you want to go.”
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[audience cheering]
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00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:21,115
“As long as you get accepted.
What do you think about that?”
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00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:22,325
“Mm-mmm.”
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00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:26,412
I say, “You want to go to school
in California, we’ll make it happen.
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00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,873
You want to go out of state,
we’ll make it happen.
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00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:32,710
Hell, I’ll even do
one of those international programs.”
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00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,879
The ones where you give them
one of your children
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00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:36,256
and they give you one of their children.
203
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,635
-What is it called when you kid-swap?
-[audience] Exchange.
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00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,845
Thank you. Sorry.
That’s right. “Exchange.”
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00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:45,223
Some of you were like,
“That’s called human trafficking.”
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Different program.
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00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,858
I would love to do an exchange program
with my son.
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00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,527
But don’t give me a regular kid.
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00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,654
If I’m gonna do an exchange program,
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give me a kid from a hard-core
third world country,
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so he appreciates all the basic things
most American children take for granted.
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00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:19,090
That’s why I say give me little Tombutu.
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00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:24,220
Give me Tombutu. I would love Tombutu,
and Tombutu would love me.
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00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,973
“Mister Fluffy?” “Yes, Tombutu?”
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00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:30,935
“I was wondering,
what time do we go to sleep?”
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00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:34,063
“You go to sleep whenever you like.
This is your room.
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00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,065
We sleep next door.”
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00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:42,280
“All of this is for Tombutu?”
219
00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,741
“Yes, all of this is for Tombutu.”
220
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:49,537
“In my village, two families sleep
in an area this big.”
221
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:53,207
“Well, here in America,
one big-ass Mexican kid sleeps right here.
222
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:55,626
Enjoy.”
223
00:13:56,419 --> 00:14:00,256
Then I would take him to IHOP or Denny’s
and let him order whatever he wants
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00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:02,550
and just watch him lose it.
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00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:06,888
“This is the Thanksgiving I heard of!
Thank you, Mr. Fluffy! Thank you!
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00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:10,850
If there is anything Tombutu can do
for you, please tell me. Anything.”
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00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,560
“Can you help me take out the trash?”
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00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:15,188
“For you, I will eat the trash.”
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00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,736
Meanwhile, my son’s on the other side
of the world,
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on top of an elephant,
trying to get Wi-Fi.
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00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:31,329
I love my son very much, you guys.
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00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:34,874
It’s just that sometimes he doesn’t get
the position he’s in.
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00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,084
He doesn’t realize it.
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00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:39,128
Which is why I love it
whenever he brings his friends over.
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00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,838
He brings his friends over the house,
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00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,716
and they’re constantly saying
what I’m saying.
237
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,052
And as a parent,
anytime you tell your kids something,
238
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,303
that’s one thing.
239
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,765
When you can get their friends to say
what you say, you can’t pay for that.
240
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,394
And they’re always doing it.
“Frankie, you’re lucky, man.
241
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,229
Your dad’s trying to help you
go to college.
242
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:57,897
My dad wants me to get a job.
243
00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:00,400
Frankie, you’re lucky, man.
Your dad’s trying to give you a car.
244
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:02,235
My dad doesn’t even trust me to walk.
245
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:03,611
You’re lucky, man.”
246
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:08,199
And I hear this, and I’m like,
“I love these kids.”
247
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:14,122
Because my son is very numb
to this situation.
248
00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:18,292
He’s very numb to all of you,
and he’s very numb to “Fluffy.”
249
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:23,548
Okay, he doesn’t see Fluffy.
He sees “Dad! Dad!”
250
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,925
I’m Dad. I’m the guy that tells him
clean your room,
251
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,593
take a shower and put on deodorant,
252
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,221
which he does very well now!
253
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:38,980
But you guys saw what I had to do
to make that happen.
254
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:43,484
His friends, on the other hand,
they still get excited when they see me.
255
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:44,861
They still geek out.
256
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,447
I walk into the living room.
They’re all sitting there.
257
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,532
Frankie sees me. “Hey, Dad.”
258
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,660
His friends see me, they see this.
259
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:59,750
[imitating chorus singing]
260
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:05,381
With, like, doves.
[imitates wings flapping]
261
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,844
Can you imagine if every time
you walked into a room, that happened?
262
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,220
“He’s here.”
263
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:18,102
[imitating chorus singing]
264
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,896
[imitates wings flapping]
265
00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:24,901
Ladies, imagine if your partner
could do that for you. Huh?
266
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:28,112
It’s your anniversary, a celebration,
some magical moment,
267
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,198
or you’re just laying there
and you’re drunk.
268
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:35,745
And you’re just like, “What are you gonna
do to me? What are you gonna do?”
269
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:42,877
[imitating chorus singing]
270
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,004
[imitates wings flapping]
271
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,049
One extra dove. [imitates wings flapping]
272
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:59,560
And by the way, guys,
if you’re ever able to pull off the doves,
273
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,270
just leave it at that.
274
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,690
Don’t try to top the doves.
It’s very hard to top the doves.
275
00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:07,485
Don’t start running your mouth
and talking smack.
276
00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,195
She’s laying there. Don’t start:
277
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:12,573
“You don’t know what’s gonna happen
to you. You’re gonna get it.”
278
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:16,285
Don’t do that. ’Cause ladies,
all you have to do is look at him and go,
279
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,538
[clicks tongue] “Aah!”
280
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:26,712
Anyways, back to my son’s friends.
281
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,883
So my son has two friends
that come to the house all the time.
282
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:34,470
One friend, his name is Ken.
Works a lot with computers.
283
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,557
The other friend, his name is Fabian.
He wants to be a police officer.
284
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,809
Both of these kids are really good.
285
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:43,312
Now I keep calling everyone kids,
even though they’re all 18.
286
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,524
But to me, they’re kids. I’m almost 40.
I’m like, “Uh,” you know?
287
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:50,278
Some of the conversations we have
are very adult-like.
288
00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:53,823
And the other conversations, I’m like,
“What am I doing with my life?”
289
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,702
For example, at home--
At home, when I’m hanging out,
290
00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:00,788
I usually just wear very similar to now,
except the Hawaiian shirt.
291
00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:05,001
I usually wear a T-shirt
that has Star Wars or Marvel Comics
292
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,461
or Transformers on it.
293
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:11,674
Cartoons. I like wearing stuff like that
around the house.
294
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:15,386
One day, I’m wearing a T-shirt
that has The Avengers on the front.
295
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:16,512
[audience cheering]
296
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,681
Yeah. And I walk into the living room,
297
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,559
and my son’s friend Fabian
sees me wearing the shirt.
298
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,145
So he starts pointing.
I’m like, “What’s up, dude?”
299
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,731
He goes-- [inhales] “Weak.”
300
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:28,733
“’Scuse me?”
301
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,151
“Weak.”
302
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,445
And then he says, “DC’s better.”
303
00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:35,197
“What did you say?”
304
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,449
“DC’s better.”
305
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:40,328
I’m like, “DC’s okay. Obama lives there.
They pass laws.
306
00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,204
They got hotels, historic museums.
307
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:44,707
It’s not a real state. I don’t know
why you’re getting cray-cray.”
308
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,751
He goes, “No, fool! DC Comics!”
309
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:49,211
I’m like, “Hey, man.
I’m almost 40. I don’t care.
310
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:53,841
It’s just a really cool shirt. I like it.
It fits... No big deal.”
311
00:18:53,924 --> 00:18:55,843
“That’s ’cause they are.”
“You need to relax.”
312
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:56,677
“They’re the best.”
313
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:57,637
“You need to chill.”
314
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,681
And in my head, I’m like,
why am I having this conversation?
315
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:02,933
I have better things to do,
316
00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:05,603
like trying to get my son on an elephant,
but no.
317
00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:09,732
The kid in me is, “Why are they best?”
He points at the shirt again.
318
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,610
“Iron Man sucks. Batman’s number one.”
319
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:16,822
I go, “Why?” “’Cause he is.”
I go, “That’s not an argument.
320
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:18,949
First of all,
Batman’s not the best superhero.
321
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,118
I hate to break it to you. He’s not.”
322
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:22,495
[person cheering]
323
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,205
I can hear people getting ready to boo.
324
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:27,833
“Oh, no, Fluffy. Don’t go there.
Don’t go there, Fluffy. Don’t do it.”
325
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,502
Yes, I’m gonna do this. Watch this.
326
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:33,673
Batman’s not the best superhero.
Batman is the creepiest superhero.
327
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:39,095
Batman is the creepiest superhero
that has ever lived.
328
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,013
He even sounds creepy.
329
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,224
[imitates whooshing]
[deep voice] “I’m Batman.”
330
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,142
[imitates whooshing] “I’m Batman.”
331
00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:46,644
You don’t recognize that voice?
332
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:48,688
[deep voice] “Want some candy?”
333
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:52,566
[imitates whooshing]
“Help me find my puppy.”
334
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:57,196
Hello? He only comes out
at night. His face is always covered up.
335
00:19:57,279 --> 00:20:00,116
He’s always waiting in alleys.
And who does he talk to?
336
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,035
A guy named Joker, a guy named Riddler.
His name is Batman.
337
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,204
Joker, Riddler, Batman.
Joker, Riddler, Batman.
338
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:07,581
Those are Mexican gang member names.
339
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:14,422
Can you imagine if that was
Batman’s real identity?
340
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:16,924
At night. [imitates whooshing]
“I’m Batman.”
341
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,092
During the day. [imitates whooshing]
342
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,970
“No, chingue su madre, soy Batman, loco--
343
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,014
Todo el pinche día aquí trabajando
y luego le parta la madre Joker--”
344
00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,641
“I’m Batman.”
345
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,937
I said, “All right, Fabian,
Mr. ‘Batman’s The Best.’
346
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:33,149
Based on my T-shirt--
My T-shirt says Marvel Comics.
347
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:37,319
I see Thor, I see Captain America,
I see Iron Man.
348
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:40,614
Who are some of the superheroes
that DC Comics has
349
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:43,617
that makes them better than Marvel? Go.”
350
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:47,121
“Batman.” “You said that.”
“Superman.” “That’s a good one.”
351
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,622
“Wonder Woman.” “Okay.”
352
00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,791
“Green Lantern.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.”
353
00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:57,047
I said, “I know the other superheroes,
but Green Lantern?
354
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,341
What’s his power?”
355
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:02,553
“He wears a ring,
and the ring gives him power.”
356
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:03,846
I said, “That’s a fantasy.
357
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:07,224
I don’t know any man who wears a ring
who has power.”
358
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:17,943
And if you’re not clapping right now,
my point exactly.
359
00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:23,282
You can’t clap, can you? You can’t.
360
00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:24,867
You know why you can’t clap?
361
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,203
’Cause you’re sitting next to Kryptonite.
362
00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:38,422
He’s not even clapping.
He’s like, “No, no, no, no.
363
00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:41,675
No. Me pega Wonder Woman. No, no.”
364
00:21:41,759 --> 00:21:45,679
[laughing]
365
00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:47,807
Listen, I’m not gonna lie.
366
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:52,102
Sometimes-- Sometimes I feel just a pinch,
367
00:21:52,186 --> 00:21:53,854
a pinch like a superhero,
368
00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:57,650
in the sense that I’m able to walk out
in front of large groups of people,
369
00:21:57,733 --> 00:22:00,152
change people’s moods, make people smile,
370
00:22:00,236 --> 00:22:02,780
make people laugh,
make people feel a little bit better.
371
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:04,657
-[audience cheering]
-Right?
372
00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:10,704
By that same token, like any superhero,
I have my weaknesses too.
373
00:22:10,788 --> 00:22:13,249
I come out here and I make you happy.
374
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,875
And then I go home.
375
00:22:16,085 --> 00:22:17,878
And I piss off one person.
376
00:22:19,255 --> 00:22:22,508
’Cause she don’t want to hear about this.
She doesn’t want to hear about you guys.
377
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:26,262
I can’t go home and brag.
“Baby, it was crazy in Chicago.”
378
00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:28,180
“That’s nice. Take out the trash.”
379
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,977
“But they were clapping
and chanting my name.”
380
00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:34,812
“Oh, is that gonna help? Okay.
381
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:37,773
[chanting] Take out the trash!
Take out the trash!
382
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:40,985
Take out the trash! Take out the trash!”
383
00:22:46,448 --> 00:22:48,367
“But they told me they loved me!”
384
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:50,077
[clicks tongue] “Aah!”
385
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:02,256
[audience cheering]
386
00:23:12,099 --> 00:23:15,811
[audience chanting]
Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy!
387
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:22,484
Oh, my God.
388
00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:29,533
Do you guys have any idea
how hard it’s gonna be
389
00:23:29,617 --> 00:23:31,452
to go home and take out the trash now?
390
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:35,122
Thank you. [laughs]
391
00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:37,374
Oh, my God. This is awesome!
392
00:23:37,458 --> 00:23:39,668
I hear some of you too.
You guys okay over there?
393
00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:42,755
[imitating coughing]
That’s a big compliment, by the way.
394
00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:47,509
Anytime I hear people in the arena,
and they’re freaking-- [clearing throat]
395
00:23:47,593 --> 00:23:50,679
That lets me know
I’m making you laugh so much,
396
00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:54,725
your own body is rejecting
the activity that you’re participating in.
397
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:56,894
Your own lungs are telling you,
398
00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:59,480
“This is not good for you.
You need to leave.”
399
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,566
But you’re stubborn. You’re like,
“No! The ticket was expensive!”
400
00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:06,904
That’s usually from guys.
401
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:08,822
From women, it’s a little bit different.
402
00:24:08,906 --> 00:24:14,411
Anytime I hear women laughing so much
that they begin to snort.
403
00:24:16,038 --> 00:24:19,416
You’re already laughing. That tells me
I’m making you laugh so much,
404
00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:23,379
I’m causing you to inhale and exhale
at the same time,
405
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:25,673
forcing you to make that-- [snorts]
406
00:24:27,383 --> 00:24:29,760
And if I hear a woman snort
more than two times,
407
00:24:29,843 --> 00:24:32,554
that tells me
I made you pee just a little.
408
00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:44,316
I love that.
You were pointing out the whole time.
409
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,151
She’s like, “You asshole.”
410
00:24:47,778 --> 00:24:49,113
Thanks for having my back.
411
00:24:50,531 --> 00:24:52,825
Another thing
that I now consider a compliment
412
00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:54,785
is that from time to time,
413
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:59,248
I have people who are experiencing
their first ever comedy event,
414
00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:03,877
and they’re not accustomed to laughing
for long periods of time.
415
00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:08,048
And they get so excited
and so involved with the show,
416
00:25:08,549 --> 00:25:09,842
that they forget.
417
00:25:10,175 --> 00:25:13,053
They forget to do a very basic thing.
418
00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:14,930
Called breathing!
419
00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:19,685
You’d be amazed how many times
I’ve seen this in the front row.
420
00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:25,024
And they pass the hell out.
421
00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:30,446
The messed-up part is
only I can see what’s happening.
422
00:25:30,988 --> 00:25:33,866
And-- And they’re usually, like,
“Fluffy, do something.”
423
00:25:33,949 --> 00:25:36,326
I’m, like-- “Do something!”
424
00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:42,708
[imitating chorus singing]
425
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:45,461
[imitating wings flapping]
426
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:47,254
“He woke up! Thank you!”
427
00:25:50,966 --> 00:25:52,426
I had a lady one time...
428
00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:54,678
up in the balcony...
429
00:25:55,137 --> 00:25:57,473
who laughed herself unconscious.
430
00:25:58,223 --> 00:25:59,558
She went forward
431
00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:02,770
and wound up hitting her head
on the rail that was in the aisle.
432
00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:05,606
Now I couldn’t see this
because I’m onstage
433
00:26:05,689 --> 00:26:07,983
and I had spotlights in my face.
434
00:26:08,066 --> 00:26:09,818
It wasn’t until after the show was over,
435
00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:13,238
when Martin came back out onstage
and he took the microphone.
436
00:26:13,322 --> 00:26:16,992
Then he tells me in my ear, “Bro,
some lady just got hurt in the balcony.
437
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:20,162
The paramedics are here. They have her
in the lobby. Let’s check on her.”
438
00:26:20,245 --> 00:26:21,079
I’m like, “Let’s go.”
439
00:26:21,163 --> 00:26:25,459
So we go behind the curtain.
Security is waiting for us with the car.
440
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:28,504
So we jump in the car--
[imitates door closing, engine revving]
441
00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:31,089
They raced us around
to the front of the building.
442
00:26:31,632 --> 00:26:34,593
Now as soon as we get to the front,
we see an ambulance.
443
00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:36,553
We start walking in.
444
00:26:36,637 --> 00:26:40,474
And now-- Not to take anything away
from this serious moment,
445
00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:42,309
because this really did happen.
446
00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:45,687
It’s a little bit funny
in the sense that...
447
00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:51,777
my show just finished, and people
are now starting to leave the building.
448
00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:56,448
They just saw me onstage a minute ago.
Now they see me walking in the front door.
449
00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:00,577
You gotta see it through my eyes.
450
00:27:08,335 --> 00:27:11,964
“He’s big, but he’s fast. I don’t know
how he did that one. That’s pretty good.”
451
00:27:14,675 --> 00:27:16,969
I come in, and immediately I cut right,
452
00:27:17,052 --> 00:27:20,639
to where the lady and the paramedics
are sitting on the steps to the balcony.
453
00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:22,808
The lobby is starting to fill up
with people.
454
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:26,103
I’m trying to get from point A
to point B without getting stopped.
455
00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:27,688
So I started doing this,
456
00:27:27,771 --> 00:27:30,649
and I know it's gonna look a little weird,
but it worked.
457
00:27:30,858 --> 00:27:34,278
“Are you okay? Are you all right?”
458
00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:36,655
People see me doing this,
and immediately they’re puzzled.
459
00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:38,740
The way you looked at me now, like that.
460
00:27:38,824 --> 00:27:41,118
And they did this.
“What the hell’s he doing?”
461
00:27:41,451 --> 00:27:44,121
It made everybody take two steps back
and do like this.
462
00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,665
It created a hole for me to get to them.
463
00:27:46,748 --> 00:27:50,127
Then they see the paramedics,
and they realize what I was trying to do.
464
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,671
Everything was fine
till I got really close.
465
00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:55,340
And then one of the paramedics
calls me out.
466
00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:56,884
“What are you doing to the lady?”
467
00:27:56,967 --> 00:28:00,345
I go, “Listen, sir. The woman
obviously sustained a head injury.
468
00:28:00,429 --> 00:28:03,724
I’m giving her a chance to process
the fact that it’s really me.
469
00:28:03,807 --> 00:28:04,725
And I’m slowly...
470
00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:09,855
getting closer to her.
471
00:28:10,355 --> 00:28:13,025
I realize now
that I’m in this incredible position
472
00:28:13,108 --> 00:28:16,862
where I can no longer walk up
from behind someone at one of my shows
473
00:28:16,945 --> 00:28:18,614
and go, ‘Hey!’”
474
00:28:19,615 --> 00:28:22,117
“Why not?” “Cause then-- ‘Clear!’”
475
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,245
“Fluffy killed another one.”
[imitates kick]
476
00:28:27,289 --> 00:28:28,707
So finally the lady looks up.
477
00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:31,919
She must have been 55, 60,
little Asian woman.
478
00:28:32,002 --> 00:28:33,295
She sees me, and she’s, like--
479
00:28:33,378 --> 00:28:36,214
[breathing heavily]
480
00:28:36,298 --> 00:28:38,133
“You too funny.
481
00:28:42,054 --> 00:28:43,472
You almost a-kill me!”
482
00:28:45,599 --> 00:28:47,684
“I am so sorry. Are you okay?
483
00:28:47,768 --> 00:28:49,811
Is there anything I could do
to make you feel better?”
484
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:51,980
“Yes.
485
00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:54,149
Yes, feel better.
486
00:28:54,233 --> 00:28:56,485
I would like two T-shirt.”
487
00:28:57,736 --> 00:28:59,279
“I’m gonna get you two T-shirts.”
488
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:02,074
“And two DVD.”
489
00:29:03,450 --> 00:29:05,077
I’m like, “You’re not that hurt.
Get your ass over here.”
490
00:29:07,371 --> 00:29:10,374
So I stand her up, and immediately
one of the paramedics--
491
00:29:10,457 --> 00:29:12,376
“Hey. She hit her head.
She shouldn’t be standing.”
492
00:29:12,459 --> 00:29:15,295
I said, “I’m the artist
performing here tonight.
493
00:29:15,379 --> 00:29:18,924
I accept full responsibility
over this woman. I got her. It’s cool.”
494
00:29:19,007 --> 00:29:19,883
Plus, she’s tiny.
495
00:29:19,967 --> 00:29:23,345
We’re only walking ten feet
to the merchandise table. No big deal.
496
00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:25,389
I say, “Come on. I got you. Let’s go.”
497
00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:29,685
As soon as we start walking,
she starts venting.
498
00:29:30,185 --> 00:29:33,230
[breathing heavily]
499
00:29:33,313 --> 00:29:38,944
“Mr. Fluffy. You have no idea
kind of week I have.
500
00:29:39,695 --> 00:29:42,114
My son, he marry this girl.
501
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:44,157
She no cook, no clean.
502
00:29:44,241 --> 00:29:46,034
Move into my house.
503
00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:48,829
Now I have to cook and clean for two.
504
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:50,372
Oh, some bullshit.”
505
00:29:53,667 --> 00:29:56,044
And I’m like, “Oh, my God.
That’s gonna happen to me.”
506
00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:02,467
“Mr. Fluffy, I must apologize to you
507
00:30:02,551 --> 00:30:07,431
because I do not know who you are
until today.
508
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:10,225
I have a friend who give me ticket.
509
00:30:10,309 --> 00:30:14,438
She say, ‘Susie, you stress so much.
You need to get out.
510
00:30:14,521 --> 00:30:18,442
Husband win ticket in raffle.
Only have one ticket. You take it.’
511
00:30:18,525 --> 00:30:22,195
So I look at the ticket.
Ticket say, ‘The Fluffy.’
512
00:30:23,989 --> 00:30:28,076
I don’t know what comedy show is
because I never go comedy show.
513
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:31,830
I see ‘Fluffy,’
I think is musical like Cats.
514
00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:37,127
I say, ‘Okay. I go see Fluffy Cats.’
515
00:30:38,378 --> 00:30:42,883
So I come here early
so I can get the popcorn and the soda.
516
00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:45,761
So I sit and I wait for Fluffy Cats.
517
00:30:46,178 --> 00:30:49,723
Next thing I know, your friend Martin,
518
00:30:49,806 --> 00:30:53,602
he walk out onstage with the big hair,
big goatee.
519
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:58,523
I say, ‘Oh, ho, ho. This not Cats.
This not Cats.
520
00:30:58,607 --> 00:31:00,359
This Lion King.
521
00:31:04,029 --> 00:31:06,823
That’s a Mexican Mufasa.’
522
00:31:09,034 --> 00:31:13,080
And he start crack jokes.
I start laugh, laugh. I laugh.
523
00:31:13,163 --> 00:31:15,957
Then you come out onstage. I cannot take.
524
00:31:16,041 --> 00:31:18,293
I can’t breathe. I black out.
525
00:31:18,377 --> 00:31:22,714
And when I wake up, I have ice pack
on the head, blood in the eye,
526
00:31:22,798 --> 00:31:26,676
and the two young white paramedics,
they both touch me right here.
527
00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:31,973
They say, ‘Are you okay?
Are you okay? Are you okay?’”
528
00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:34,559
“What did you tell them?”
“Ho-ho. ‘Never better.’
529
00:31:38,855 --> 00:31:43,318
Susie never have two young white men
touch me right here, same time.
530
00:31:43,402 --> 00:31:47,197
Oh, your show very special, Mr. Fluffy.
Very special.
531
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,199
You show like Make-A-Wish.
532
00:31:52,702 --> 00:31:54,121
If I have a scar--”
533
00:31:54,204 --> 00:31:55,414
“You’re gonna sue me.”
534
00:31:55,497 --> 00:31:58,125
“No. No, no, no, no, no. No!
535
00:31:58,208 --> 00:31:59,835
Not going to sue.
536
00:32:00,794 --> 00:32:04,631
If I have a scar, and the friends ask me,
537
00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:07,342
‘Hey. How you get scar?’...
538
00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:11,138
now I have great story to tell.
539
00:32:11,221 --> 00:32:16,226
I’m going to say-- [chuckles]
‘Two white men, same time.’
540
00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:24,943
While Mexican watch.”
541
00:32:25,485 --> 00:32:27,362
[mouths words]
542
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:31,575
I get her back to the paramedics.
The paramedics are like,
543
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:33,493
“She’s a handful, huh?”
544
00:32:33,994 --> 00:32:36,371
I’m like, “Oh, yeah. She’s horny.
She likes you. Here you go.”
545
00:32:38,748 --> 00:32:40,417
As soon as I turn around,
546
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:44,254
all I see is a lobby full of people
and a bunch of cell phones.
547
00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:46,256
There’s footage of what
I just told you out there.
548
00:32:46,339 --> 00:32:48,925
Everybody was recording what happened.
What I thought was cool
549
00:32:49,009 --> 00:32:51,887
is everybody waited for me to finish
with the lady and the paramedics.
550
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:54,389
All of a sudden, when I turned around--
[imitates whooshing]
551
00:32:54,473 --> 00:32:55,599
People started coming up.
552
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:58,477
Some people wanted to shake my hand,
some people wanted to high-five.
553
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:02,647
One guy just wanted to hug me,
and he didn’t say anything.
554
00:33:02,731 --> 00:33:04,608
He just hugged me, just-- “Are you okay?”
555
00:33:04,691 --> 00:33:06,651
[shaky breathing]
556
00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:10,238
“You sure?” [shaky breathing] “All right.”
557
00:33:10,322 --> 00:33:11,948
Couple of kids are looking at me, like--
558
00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:18,288
And for me, I thought that was so cute,
because I recognized that twinkle.
559
00:33:18,371 --> 00:33:20,123
I’ve looked at someone like that before.
560
00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:22,334
I’ve been starstruck many, many times.
561
00:33:22,417 --> 00:33:26,087
As a matter of fact, this past year,
I got to meet one of my childhood heroes.
562
00:33:26,588 --> 00:33:28,256
I got to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger.
563
00:33:28,757 --> 00:33:30,592
[scattered clapping, cheering]
564
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:33,595
Now some of you are clapping,
some of you are like, “Wait, wait, wait.”
565
00:33:33,678 --> 00:33:36,848
Here’s the thing.
I didn’t love him as a politician,
566
00:33:36,932 --> 00:33:40,018
and I was too young
to know him as a bodybuilder.
567
00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:42,604
All I knew was
The Terminator was my favorite movie,
568
00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:44,022
and he was the Terminator.
569
00:33:45,607 --> 00:33:48,860
So, here’s the story.
570
00:33:48,944 --> 00:33:53,240
I’m in LA, at this red carpet event
for some movie I still haven’t seen.
571
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:57,118
I’m standing there
with my publicist, okay?
572
00:33:57,202 --> 00:33:58,578
I’m standing there with my publicist,
573
00:33:58,662 --> 00:34:01,790
and she’s explaining to me
how the red carpet works.
574
00:34:02,290 --> 00:34:04,459
“Listen, Gabriel.
This is what’s gonna happen.
575
00:34:04,543 --> 00:34:06,127
You’re gonna go down the red carpet,
576
00:34:06,211 --> 00:34:08,922
and then the paparazzi’s gonna start
taking photos of you,
577
00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:10,882
and then someone’s gonna
ask you some questions.
578
00:34:10,966 --> 00:34:14,094
It’s a lot of fun. Then we’ll go inside,
and we’ll go to the after-party.
579
00:34:14,177 --> 00:34:15,345
It’s gonna be great.”
580
00:34:15,428 --> 00:34:17,055
As she’s telling me this,
I’m looking around,
581
00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:19,057
and I look over and I notice--
582
00:34:19,140 --> 00:34:20,934
I see him. I see Arnold Schwarzenegger.
583
00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:22,519
And I freak out.
584
00:34:22,602 --> 00:34:25,146
[stammering, babbling]
585
00:34:25,230 --> 00:34:27,357
“It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger!
It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger!”
586
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:31,361
“Relax. Relax. You’ve never met Arnie?”
587
00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:33,905
I said, “No, I’ve never met Arnie.”
588
00:34:36,449 --> 00:34:39,411
“I work with him all the time.
He’s really nice.
589
00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:41,621
Would you like me to introduce you?”
590
00:34:41,705 --> 00:34:43,707
I’m like, “Yes!”
591
00:34:44,374 --> 00:34:49,337
She takes me by the hand,
and she walks me directly to Arnold.
592
00:34:49,421 --> 00:34:52,173
I’m freaking out so bad.
I look like a big-ass toddler.
593
00:34:57,470 --> 00:34:59,431
We get over
to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s area.
594
00:34:59,514 --> 00:35:00,765
He’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.
595
00:35:00,849 --> 00:35:04,269
He’s already got a big group of people
around him, waiting to take a photo.
596
00:35:04,352 --> 00:35:06,438
So I’m just patiently waiting.
597
00:35:06,521 --> 00:35:09,232
As I’m watching him, you guys--
I gotta tell you right now.
598
00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:16,239
No one on this planet is better at
meeting people than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
599
00:35:16,323 --> 00:35:19,492
He is the greatest people-meeter
I’ve ever witnessed.
600
00:35:19,576 --> 00:35:24,289
The reason I say this is because
when you meet him, he’s very engaging.
601
00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:26,291
He grabs your hand. He pulls you in.
602
00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:29,628
He looks at you in the eyes
and he turns it on.
603
00:35:29,711 --> 00:35:35,425
When you meet Arnold, you get
exactly what you think you’re gonna get.
604
00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:36,926
It’s awesome to watch.
605
00:35:37,010 --> 00:35:39,346
[imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger]
“How are you? So nice to meet you.
606
00:35:39,429 --> 00:35:41,848
You so strong. You pump iron?
Ay! Look at you!
607
00:35:41,931 --> 00:35:45,268
This is incredible,
got these lights and this red carpet.
608
00:35:45,352 --> 00:35:46,436
’Scuse me. How are you?
609
00:35:46,519 --> 00:35:50,065
Ay! You so strong! You pump iron?
This is incredible. Look at you.”
610
00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:53,443
People are walking away from him,
looking at their hand.
611
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:58,198
They’re looking at their hand, you guys.
612
00:35:58,281 --> 00:36:01,159
Ten minutes I’m watching
Arnold Schwarzenegger light people up.
613
00:36:01,242 --> 00:36:02,911
Then I notice something else.
614
00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:08,667
I notice that Arnold has a handler,
a guy who stands right behind him.
615
00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:10,960
And it’s this guy’s job
616
00:36:11,044 --> 00:36:15,924
to basically reset Arnold
for the next person he’s about to meet.
617
00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:20,470
Arnold Schwarzenegger will never cut off
a conversation with a fan.
618
00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:23,348
The guy behind him listens in
on the conversation,
619
00:36:23,431 --> 00:36:25,433
and he determines when enough is enough,
620
00:36:25,517 --> 00:36:28,603
and then he signals Arnold
to cut it off and move on.
621
00:36:28,687 --> 00:36:29,938
Here’s the signal.
622
00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:33,942
He grabs the back of Arnold’s arm,
right there, two times. One, two.
623
00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:38,738
That lets Arnold know: cut it off,
time to move on. Always to the left.
624
00:36:38,822 --> 00:36:39,864
Awesome to watch.
625
00:36:39,948 --> 00:36:43,243
“This is incredible with these lights
and these special effects going on here.
626
00:36:43,326 --> 00:36:45,286
’Scuse me. How are you? Nice to meet you.
627
00:36:45,370 --> 00:36:47,038
You so strong. Ay!”
628
00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:48,832
I’m, like-- [gasps]
629
00:36:48,915 --> 00:36:52,961
So I yell out to the handler, “Hey!”
And the handler turns around.
630
00:36:53,837 --> 00:36:56,631
“Hit him! I wanna meet him! Hit him!”
631
00:36:56,715 --> 00:36:59,426
And he starts laughing
because now he sees that I see
632
00:36:59,509 --> 00:37:01,136
how the Terminator is really working.
633
00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:04,431
So he gives me one of these.
634
00:37:06,725 --> 00:37:10,103
Next thing you know,
he is lighting Arnold up.
635
00:37:10,186 --> 00:37:14,274
He is hitting Arnold so fast,
Arnold can barely keep up.
636
00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:15,692
“’Scuse me. Pardon me. How are you?
637
00:37:15,775 --> 00:37:18,361
’Scuse me. Pardon me.
High five. High five.
638
00:37:18,445 --> 00:37:23,199
’Scuse me. Hello. How are you?
Pound, pound, pound pound.”
639
00:37:23,283 --> 00:37:26,161
He’s coming down the line, coming down
the line, and I’m just waiting.
640
00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:27,579
[heavy exhale]
641
00:37:28,204 --> 00:37:30,248
I stick my hand out, and he grabbed it.
642
00:37:30,331 --> 00:37:32,625
“How are you? So--
643
00:37:34,335 --> 00:37:35,920
I recognize you.
644
00:37:37,213 --> 00:37:38,465
I know who you are.
645
00:37:38,548 --> 00:37:42,927
You’re that comedian who does the joke
about the Indian man trying to rob a bank,
646
00:37:43,011 --> 00:37:46,097
but he cannot rob the bank
because they are making fun of him.”
647
00:37:49,225 --> 00:37:51,853
And in my head, I’m, like--
[squealing] “He knows me!”
648
00:37:55,356 --> 00:37:57,275
Outside, I’m like, “Yeah, that’s me.”
649
00:37:57,358 --> 00:37:59,652
“You are hysterical.
Give me your contact information.
650
00:37:59,736 --> 00:38:01,613
You are the funniest person-- ’Scuse me.
651
00:38:01,696 --> 00:38:04,574
How are you? Nice to meet you.
You so strong.”
652
00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:06,034
“Hey!”
653
00:38:08,161 --> 00:38:10,330
Meeting Arnold
is like a really good roller coaster.
654
00:38:10,413 --> 00:38:13,333
You want to go to the end
and meet him one more time.
655
00:38:14,626 --> 00:38:18,171
It was so cool because I’m watching him--
And people started recording him.
656
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:19,839
For me, it’s one of those things
657
00:38:19,923 --> 00:38:23,635
where I’m finding myself
in a very interesting situation right now,
658
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:27,388
because I like hanging out,
I like going out.
659
00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:30,934
I’ve been drunk in Chicago
many, many times.
660
00:38:31,601 --> 00:38:33,394
I like to have fun.
661
00:38:35,230 --> 00:38:37,232
Here’s the problem. [chuckles]
662
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:41,152
I recently signed a contract
with ABC Television
663
00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:44,656
in hopes of producing
my very own sitcom for TV.
664
00:38:44,739 --> 00:38:48,117
[audience cheering]
665
00:38:50,036 --> 00:38:52,539
It’s not a guarantee,
but I am guaranteed a pilot.
666
00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:54,666
Here’s the problem.
667
00:38:54,749 --> 00:38:59,212
ABC is owned... by Disney.
668
00:39:00,755 --> 00:39:02,924
Disney is such a huge brand
669
00:39:03,007 --> 00:39:07,428
that anytime someone threatens
the way you look at that brand,
670
00:39:07,512 --> 00:39:10,765
they are dealt with
in a very un-Disney-like way.
671
00:39:11,975 --> 00:39:14,936
This sitcom that I’m producing
is about me.
672
00:39:15,019 --> 00:39:17,772
I play myself. I play Gabriel Iglesias.
673
00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:20,024
It’s about me, my family, my friends.
674
00:39:20,525 --> 00:39:22,068
My friend Martin...
675
00:39:22,777 --> 00:39:24,404
is not allowed on the show.
676
00:39:27,073 --> 00:39:29,284
Not per me. Take it up with the Mouse.
677
00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:34,789
They look at your social media.
They look at your stuff online.
678
00:39:34,873 --> 00:39:37,166
If there’s anything about you
that doesn’t fit that model,
679
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:39,127
they will freaking-- mmmm.
680
00:39:39,210 --> 00:39:42,130
And I’m paranoid, because Disney’s so big.
They’re so huge.
681
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:44,591
They own television stations.
They own radio stations.
682
00:39:44,674 --> 00:39:48,136
They own Marvel Comics.
They own Star Wars.
683
00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:50,221
I don’t need that phone call, you know?
684
00:39:50,305 --> 00:39:52,348
[imitates phone ringing, line connecting]
“Hello?”
685
00:39:52,432 --> 00:39:54,601
[imitating Yoda]
“Mmm. Fucked up, you did.”
686
00:40:04,235 --> 00:40:06,696
I’m so freaking paranoid, you guys.
687
00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:09,490
Because nowadays,
people are always recording.
688
00:40:09,574 --> 00:40:11,826
If you do something
that might look stupid,
689
00:40:11,910 --> 00:40:14,704
it can end up turning out even worse.
690
00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:19,042
For example, say I fall off the stage
tonight and someone’s recording that.
691
00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:22,045
If TMZ gets ahold of that,
it can go viral.
692
00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:25,590
And God forbid, something happens to me,
it can make the news.
693
00:40:25,673 --> 00:40:28,259
[imitating reporter] “We’re standing here
in front of the Allstate Arena
694
00:40:28,343 --> 00:40:29,302
in Rosemont, Illinois,
695
00:40:29,385 --> 00:40:32,055
where authorities believe
Fluffy lost control.
696
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:36,976
The 39-year-old comedian was found dead
for the second time in two years.
697
00:40:38,519 --> 00:40:40,647
No one knows exactly
what happened here tonight.
698
00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:42,106
Authorities had this to say.”
699
00:40:42,190 --> 00:40:43,983
[clicks tongue] “Aah!”
700
00:40:49,197 --> 00:40:52,075
[audience cheering]
701
00:40:59,958 --> 00:41:01,834
That’s why I’m saying I gotta be careful,
702
00:41:01,918 --> 00:41:04,545
because I still enjoy my habits.
703
00:41:04,629 --> 00:41:05,713
I still like drinking.
704
00:41:05,797 --> 00:41:07,715
Of course, some people
pull me aside and say,
705
00:41:07,799 --> 00:41:11,094
“Gabriel, why do you drink?
Why do you drink?
706
00:41:11,177 --> 00:41:14,722
You have so many responsibilities
and people you take care of.
707
00:41:14,806 --> 00:41:15,723
Why do you drink?”
708
00:41:15,807 --> 00:41:19,227
“Because I have a lot of responsibilities
and people to take care of.”
709
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:24,399
Some of you already know because
you’ve been to my shows in the past.
710
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:27,902
My poison of choice is tequila.
711
00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:34,575
Certain alcohol
I no longer mess with anymore.
712
00:41:34,659 --> 00:41:36,494
Like, I no longer mess with Jäger.
713
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:37,954
[people shouting]
714
00:41:38,037 --> 00:41:41,791
See, first of all, any alcohol
that will make you say its name...
715
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:43,418
is not safe.
716
00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:46,504
That’s the only alcohol
that will make you do that.
717
00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:48,840
That’s the only one you hear people--
718
00:41:48,923 --> 00:41:50,758
“Jäger!”
719
00:41:50,842 --> 00:41:53,011
You don’t hear anyone else.
You don’t hear Mexicans--
720
00:41:53,094 --> 00:41:54,846
“¡Tequila! ¡Güey!”
721
00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:57,807
You don’t hear black people--
“Hennessy, playa.”
722
00:41:59,142 --> 00:42:02,478
You don’t hear Japanese--
“Whoo! Sake! Sake!”
723
00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:05,690
Jäger is scary for a few reasons.
724
00:42:05,773 --> 00:42:09,819
One, I’m Type II diabetic.
I shouldn’t even be drinking.
725
00:42:09,902 --> 00:42:12,447
But Jäger has twice as much sugar in it.
726
00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:15,616
Second thing is the consistency.
It’s very sticky.
727
00:42:15,700 --> 00:42:17,118
It’s like cough syrup.
728
00:42:17,201 --> 00:42:20,163
So if you drink too much of it,
it holds on longer than anything else.
729
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:22,081
And it’s nasty. When you drink it,
you’re, like--
730
00:42:22,165 --> 00:42:24,167
[groans, coughs]
731
00:42:24,250 --> 00:42:25,793
Pa la tos. Pa la tos.
732
00:42:25,877 --> 00:42:27,170
It’s horrible.
733
00:42:29,547 --> 00:42:33,634
If you drink too much of it,
it holds on longer than anything else.
734
00:42:33,718 --> 00:42:36,345
You know? If you have one too many beers,
you know what happens.
735
00:42:36,429 --> 00:42:39,223
You get the-- [gurgles]
Then you return it to the rightful owner.
736
00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:43,728
Jäger makes you feel like
you gotta bring it back, but you can’t.
737
00:42:43,811 --> 00:42:47,732
All it does it make you dramatic
for 45 minutes until it lets go.
738
00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:49,650
You’ve seen someone like that.
“Hey, you okay?”
739
00:42:49,734 --> 00:42:51,152
“I’m fine, bro--” [retches]
740
00:42:57,992 --> 00:43:01,204
They can’t throw up.
All they’re doing is six-minute abs.
741
00:43:01,287 --> 00:43:03,623
[grunting]
742
00:43:09,087 --> 00:43:12,298
People look at you the next day.
“Are you into fitness?” “No, I’m a drunk.”
743
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:15,843
Man, Jäger is scary.
744
00:43:15,927 --> 00:43:18,888
Another alcohol
I refuse to mess with anymore...
745
00:43:19,806 --> 00:43:20,932
is wine.
746
00:43:22,934 --> 00:43:23,768
Look at the people--
747
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:25,311
[clearing throat]
748
00:43:25,853 --> 00:43:27,396
“We’re from Schaumburg.”
749
00:43:36,823 --> 00:43:37,573
Those of you that don’t know,
750
00:43:37,657 --> 00:43:40,576
Schaumburg is the Beverly Hills
of the area, so--
751
00:43:41,202 --> 00:43:42,662
I’m sure you figured that out.
752
00:43:42,745 --> 00:43:46,999
Um-- My issue with wine is very simple.
753
00:43:47,083 --> 00:43:50,253
I don’t like the fact
that wine is socially accepted.
754
00:43:50,336 --> 00:43:53,798
What I mean by that is that if you see
someone with a bottle of wine,
755
00:43:53,881 --> 00:43:57,343
if you see a guy crossing the street
with a bottle of wine,
756
00:43:57,426 --> 00:44:00,680
immediately he’s judged,
but in a positive way,
757
00:44:00,763 --> 00:44:03,349
because wine is always associated
with something high-class,
758
00:44:03,432 --> 00:44:04,976
something positive, something progressive,
759
00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:07,186
an anniversary, a celebration,
a promotion.
760
00:44:07,270 --> 00:44:10,231
So you try to figure it out.
“What do you think is going on over there?
761
00:44:10,314 --> 00:44:13,067
Graduation? Promotion? It’s gotta be good.
762
00:44:13,151 --> 00:44:14,610
Hey, good for you, buddy.”
763
00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:19,866
Women see a man with a bottle of wine,
holding a couple of glasses,
764
00:44:19,949 --> 00:44:21,033
and immediately--
765
00:44:21,534 --> 00:44:23,786
[imitates woman’s voice] “Aw!
766
00:44:24,662 --> 00:44:26,372
Lucky bitch.”
767
00:44:29,959 --> 00:44:31,419
It’s still alcohol.
768
00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:33,379
It will still mess you up.
769
00:44:33,462 --> 00:44:35,256
The main reason why I don’t like wine
770
00:44:35,339 --> 00:44:38,426
is because
you cannot accurately measure wine.
771
00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:41,179
You can measure real liquor.
It’s called a shot.
772
00:44:41,262 --> 00:44:42,930
And you know after drinking enough times
773
00:44:43,014 --> 00:44:45,474
what you can handle
and what you can’t handle.
774
00:44:45,558 --> 00:44:47,185
Because people who drink a lot
775
00:44:47,268 --> 00:44:49,979
love to brag
about their drinking abilities.
776
00:44:50,062 --> 00:44:52,356
-They have their drinking number. Right?
-[audience member shouts]
777
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:54,317
They have their drinking number.
778
00:44:55,192 --> 00:44:56,319
You’ll hear ’em, you know.
779
00:44:56,402 --> 00:44:59,363
“Eleven shots of Don Julio. Whoo! Yeah!”
780
00:45:00,990 --> 00:45:03,367
They have their drinking number,
even women.
781
00:45:03,451 --> 00:45:07,371
[imitates woman’s voice]
“After four shots of Cuervo, I am so good.
782
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,499
Four shots is my sweet spot.”
783
00:45:11,083 --> 00:45:14,045
[low voice] “What happens if you do five?”
“I’ll wake up in an alley.”
784
00:45:15,296 --> 00:45:18,007
“What happens if you do six?”
“That’s how I met Tyrone.”
785
00:45:20,134 --> 00:45:23,137
[mouthing words]
786
00:45:25,598 --> 00:45:29,268
See, with wine you cannot accurately
measure how much you’re drinking
787
00:45:29,352 --> 00:45:30,853
unless you’re basing it on the bottle.
788
00:45:30,937 --> 00:45:34,023
And if you’re basing it on the bottle,
then that’s a whole different issue.
789
00:45:35,024 --> 00:45:37,568
With wine,
the glasses are always different sizes.
790
00:45:37,652 --> 00:45:40,696
Sometimes they’re big glasses.
Sometimes they’re small glasses.
791
00:45:40,780 --> 00:45:43,991
And a lot of times you need
to rely on someone to pour it for you.
792
00:45:44,075 --> 00:45:46,077
Sometimes they know what they’re doing.
Sometimes they don’t.
793
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:49,413
Sometimes they fill it up too high,
which is not the proper amount.
794
00:45:49,497 --> 00:45:52,875
Sometimes they get it just right, which is
a little bit less than half of the glass.
795
00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:55,461
Sometimes you get that greedy bastard
from Olive Garden.
796
00:45:55,544 --> 00:45:57,088
You get that little sample.
797
00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:59,715
You have to hold it up
in direct sunlight and do this.
798
00:46:00,925 --> 00:46:03,970
Then you drink it. “That’s pretty good.
I got a coupon. Here you go.”
799
00:46:06,347 --> 00:46:12,311
And you never see wine drinkers
drinking with real drinkers in dive bars.
800
00:46:12,395 --> 00:46:16,649
You might see ’em at a social gathering
like this one or some corporate function,
801
00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:18,651
but never at a little hole in the wall.
802
00:46:18,734 --> 00:46:21,070
You’ll never see-- “Jäger!”
803
00:46:21,654 --> 00:46:22,822
“¡Tequila! ¡Güey!”
804
00:46:22,905 --> 00:46:25,324
And in the middle--
[English accent] “Merlot, I say.
805
00:46:26,283 --> 00:46:29,870
Oh, this is a fantastic establishment.
I truly enjoy the decor here.
806
00:46:29,954 --> 00:46:30,871
This is amazing.
807
00:46:30,955 --> 00:46:34,000
This is brilliant, I tell you.
Who cuts your grass?
808
00:46:35,001 --> 00:46:36,502
It’s fantastic.”
809
00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:40,840
I’m sorry. That voice
always makes me laugh. I like it.
810
00:46:40,923 --> 00:46:43,509
It makes me smile, you know,
when we’re here...
811
00:46:44,010 --> 00:46:45,094
in America.
812
00:46:45,845 --> 00:46:48,180
Whenever I travel
and I perform in England,
813
00:46:48,264 --> 00:46:49,807
-that voice takes on a different meaning.
-Whoo!
814
00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:53,352
I heard a “whoo.”
Do we have people from the UK?
815
00:46:53,436 --> 00:46:54,520
[cheering]
816
00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:57,064
All right. Let me tell
the rest of the people about you.
817
00:46:59,150 --> 00:47:03,070
I love it whenever people from the UK
come here to the United States,
818
00:47:03,154 --> 00:47:05,531
because when we hear you speak,
819
00:47:05,614 --> 00:47:07,783
you sound incredible, you sound amazing,
820
00:47:07,867 --> 00:47:09,744
you sound educated,
821
00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:11,662
you sound inspirational.
822
00:47:11,746 --> 00:47:15,291
That accent is so proper. It is so proper.
823
00:47:15,374 --> 00:47:17,209
It doesn’t matter
what you’re talking about,
824
00:47:17,293 --> 00:47:19,503
we’re drawn to whatever it is.
825
00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:21,756
You could be talking about trash,
it sounds amazing.
826
00:47:22,256 --> 00:47:24,884
“Who could leave all this rubbish here?
This is such a travesty.
827
00:47:24,967 --> 00:47:27,678
This is-- All this destruction here
all over the sidewalk.
828
00:47:27,762 --> 00:47:30,222
Someone must tend to this at once.
This is ridiculous.”
829
00:47:30,306 --> 00:47:31,348
People are listening in.
830
00:47:31,432 --> 00:47:34,518
“I don’t know what happened
over there, but the shit hit the fan.
831
00:47:35,770 --> 00:47:38,773
That guy from England is pissed.
I don’t know.
832
00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:40,274
What the hell is ‘rubbish’?”
833
00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:45,988
See, it’s very different.
Now, when one of us goes over there,
834
00:47:46,072 --> 00:47:47,823
man, it’s very, very different,
835
00:47:47,907 --> 00:47:50,242
because, see,
we don’t sound the same as them.
836
00:47:50,326 --> 00:47:51,619
As a matter of fact,
837
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:55,706
as Americans, we have a certain way
with the English language.
838
00:47:55,790 --> 00:48:00,044
Do you understand how we sound to them?
839
00:48:00,127 --> 00:48:04,381
I mean, seriously, do you know how they
look at us when they hear us speak?
840
00:48:05,132 --> 00:48:06,926
We sound like this to them:
841
00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:10,346
[Southern accent] “I’ll tell you,
the other day I was hanging out with Phil.
842
00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:13,140
That sumbitch come over to the house.
We had ourselves a good old time.
843
00:48:13,224 --> 00:48:14,350
Just me and Phil.”
844
00:48:16,519 --> 00:48:18,771
By the way, if you sound like that
here tonight, I’m kidding.
845
00:48:18,854 --> 00:48:20,481
They’re just jokes.
846
00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,691
Don’t feel like just, you know,
847
00:48:22,775 --> 00:48:24,276
“I’m-a wait for his ass outside.
848
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:27,863
I’ll see how funny he is when he gets
to the parking lot. Fluffy, my ass.”
849
00:48:32,618 --> 00:48:34,453
I just think it’s funny...
850
00:48:34,537 --> 00:48:38,040
that, no matter what they talk about
over there,
851
00:48:38,124 --> 00:48:39,250
they sound the same.
852
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:41,210
It sounds the same, you know.
853
00:48:41,293 --> 00:48:43,963
Whereas with us, Americans,
854
00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:46,924
we speak according to our environment.
855
00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:49,677
We change it up. We morph. We adapt.
856
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:50,970
We all have our--
857
00:48:51,053 --> 00:48:55,724
For example, we all have
our “trying to get a good job” voice.
858
00:48:56,475 --> 00:48:59,603
When you walk in for that interview,
you don’t sound the way you sound
859
00:48:59,687 --> 00:49:02,064
on a Saturday night
when you’re having a couple drinks.
860
00:49:02,148 --> 00:49:04,608
You clean it up. You practice in the car.
861
00:49:04,692 --> 00:49:06,527
And when you walk in, you turn it on.
862
00:49:06,610 --> 00:49:08,070
“If you’ll check my references,
863
00:49:08,154 --> 00:49:10,281
you’ll see I’m more than qualified
for this position.
864
00:49:10,364 --> 00:49:11,866
Please feel free to call Frank Torres.
865
00:49:11,949 --> 00:49:14,910
Frank will tell you the amazing job
I did for him two and a half weeks ago.
866
00:49:14,994 --> 00:49:18,247
Listen, I’m ready to work
seven days a week, 365 days a year.
867
00:49:18,330 --> 00:49:20,958
No job is too big. No task is too small.
868
00:49:21,041 --> 00:49:23,627
You can count on me.
I’m the right person for the job.
869
00:49:23,711 --> 00:49:25,921
Please keep me in mind.
Thank you for your time.”
870
00:49:26,005 --> 00:49:28,549
-And then you get to the parking lot--
-[audience cheering]
871
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:30,926
Then you get to the parking lot,
and you’re like, “Whew!
872
00:49:31,010 --> 00:49:34,638
Hijo de la chingada. Ojalá me dé trabajo
porque está cabrón, güey.
873
00:49:34,722 --> 00:49:37,057
[Spanish accent]
I need a job, man. I need a job.
874
00:49:38,601 --> 00:49:39,602
Whew!”
875
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,398
You guys know
we all have our daytime voice
876
00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:46,692
that we have
around our family and our friends
877
00:49:46,775 --> 00:49:48,861
and our children, you know.
878
00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:51,906
And then we have our late night voice,
you know, our party voice.
879
00:49:51,989 --> 00:49:53,199
“Jäger!”
880
00:49:53,782 --> 00:49:58,204
And then, if you’re lucky enough, you have
your late, late, late night voice.
881
00:49:58,287 --> 00:50:00,164
“That’s right. You don’t know
what’s about to happen.
882
00:50:00,247 --> 00:50:06,170
You better get on-- Te voy a agarrar...
[mumbles] Te gusta así, ¿verdad?”
883
00:50:06,253 --> 00:50:09,298
Some of you are looking at me like,
“Oh, my God, Fluffy’s a freak.”
884
00:50:10,549 --> 00:50:11,509
I’m just giving an example.
885
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:16,013
All the kids are like,
“Oh, this is different.”
886
00:50:17,389 --> 00:50:20,351
Sorry. I see those kids,
and they’re just like-- [gasps]
887
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:24,021
Dad’s like, “Pinche Fluffy.
No, no, no, no, no.
888
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:26,607
Stupid.
Bad Fluffy. Bad Fluffy. Bad Fluffy.”
889
00:50:27,983 --> 00:50:29,401
But, see, now over there,
890
00:50:29,485 --> 00:50:31,528
they sound the same
no matter what they’re doing.
891
00:50:31,612 --> 00:50:33,322
When they apply for a job.
892
00:50:33,405 --> 00:50:36,867
“If you’ll check my references, you will
see I’m qualified for this position.”
893
00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:38,410
When they party.
894
00:50:38,494 --> 00:50:41,372
“If you’ll pour the wine, I will drink it.
It is brilliant, I tell you.”
895
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:43,040
When they’re making love.
896
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:45,501
“I’m going to part your legs
like the Red Sea.
897
00:50:46,543 --> 00:50:48,671
I’m going to defile you
in such an amazing fashion,
898
00:50:48,754 --> 00:50:51,173
you will rue the day
you came across me at that local pub.
899
00:50:51,257 --> 00:50:54,051
I’m going to lower my drawbridge
and introduce you to the queen!
900
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:54,885
Yes, I shall.
901
00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:58,681
When you arrive at that magical moment,
I want you to scream ‘victory.’”
902
00:50:58,764 --> 00:51:00,641
“Victory!” “My job is done here.”
903
00:51:06,647 --> 00:51:08,232
[audience cheering]
904
00:51:15,489 --> 00:51:17,283
The only messed-up part about that joke
905
00:51:17,366 --> 00:51:20,369
is that that’s the only joke
the kids remember.
906
00:51:22,121 --> 00:51:24,290
Two weeks from now,
you’re trying to get in the room.
907
00:51:24,373 --> 00:51:27,459
You’re like, “Why is this door locked?”
And then you hear, “Victory!”
908
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:32,840
I see a couple of young adults there.
How old are you guys?
909
00:51:32,923 --> 00:51:34,008
-Thirteen.
-[Gabriel] Thirteen.
910
00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:35,175
Wow. And next to you?
911
00:51:35,676 --> 00:51:36,885
-[Gabriel] How old are you?
-Ten.
912
00:51:36,969 --> 00:51:38,012
You’re ten. [gasps]
913
00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:40,472
Okay. I am so sorry for what Martin said.
914
00:51:44,351 --> 00:51:47,313
Ten years old. I can’t feel too bad
because you know what?
915
00:51:47,396 --> 00:51:49,815
Ten-year-olds are young adults.
You are a young adult.
916
00:51:49,898 --> 00:51:51,233
I don’t see you as a kid.
917
00:51:51,317 --> 00:51:55,029
A kid to me, first of all, is someone
who doesn’t have access to the Internet.
918
00:51:56,905 --> 00:52:00,618
You have, I’m sure, a tablet, a cell phone
or access to online services, right?
919
00:52:01,118 --> 00:52:03,495
Services.
“What the hell is he talking about?”
920
00:52:04,330 --> 00:52:06,540
Bad choice of words.
You know what I mean, right?
921
00:52:07,708 --> 00:52:09,668
You’ve probably seen and heard
a few things already.
922
00:52:09,752 --> 00:52:12,796
And the parents are like,
“No, not my child. I lock their phone.”
923
00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:14,757
Yeah, but you don’t lock
their friend’s phone.
924
00:52:16,258 --> 00:52:21,096
I feel bad whenever I say something
that’s kind of, like, risqué
925
00:52:21,180 --> 00:52:23,891
whenever parents bring a four-year-old,
five-year-old, six-year-old.
926
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,602
And, yes, it happens. Then I feel bad.
927
00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:30,564
I’ll meet ’em after the show and I’m like,
“I am so sorry for what you heard me say.”
928
00:52:30,648 --> 00:52:32,316
And it’s always funny
to see the parents say,
929
00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:34,109
“Oh, they hear worse at home.”
930
00:52:36,362 --> 00:52:39,490
Nothing like watching a four-year-old
confirm that. You know, just--
931
00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:45,996
[groans, chuckles]
932
00:52:46,080 --> 00:52:47,122
Like, for example, my son.
933
00:52:47,206 --> 00:52:50,751
He’s 18 years old,
but he still doesn’t cuss at home. Okay?
934
00:52:50,834 --> 00:52:52,961
Whatever he does in public,
I have no control over.
935
00:52:53,045 --> 00:52:55,381
But at home he knows he cannot cuss.
936
00:52:55,964 --> 00:52:56,882
One time.
937
00:52:58,050 --> 00:53:02,304
One time in, like, 13 years
I caught my son cussing at home,
938
00:53:02,388 --> 00:53:03,389
and I couldn’t even get mad.
939
00:53:04,056 --> 00:53:05,808
He had fallen down the stairs.
940
00:53:07,518 --> 00:53:09,603
[laughs] I don’t mean to laugh,
but think about it.
941
00:53:09,687 --> 00:53:13,399
What am I gonna do to him that’s worse
than what he just did to himself?
942
00:53:14,441 --> 00:53:16,026
I heard it too. [screams]
943
00:53:16,110 --> 00:53:17,778
[imitates clattering sound]
944
00:53:17,861 --> 00:53:19,530
“Son of a bitch!” [imitates thud]
945
00:53:21,657 --> 00:53:23,575
I ran over.
I didn’t even check his safety.
946
00:53:23,659 --> 00:53:25,035
I was like, “What did you say?
947
00:53:28,330 --> 00:53:29,957
Hey, you earned that one.”
948
00:53:31,291 --> 00:53:34,378
I said, “If you want to say the F-word,
next time let me push you.”
949
00:53:36,171 --> 00:53:39,091
That’s when I knew he fell hard.
“Really?” “No. Get up here. Come on.”
950
00:53:39,633 --> 00:53:42,845
[laughs] Cool. Welcome, you guys.
Hope you have a good--
951
00:53:42,928 --> 00:53:45,514
I know you’re getting nervous, Dad.
You’re like, “What’s he telling my son?”
952
00:53:45,597 --> 00:53:47,724
No, nothing. Being cool.
953
00:53:47,808 --> 00:53:51,061
But thank you for trusting me
to bring your kids to the show. Yeah.
954
00:53:51,145 --> 00:53:53,522
-[applause]
-Or your young adults. Sorry.
955
00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:56,275
Thank you for trusting me
to bring your young adults to the show.
956
00:53:57,693 --> 00:54:00,571
By the way, I know I keep pointing
at people in the front right here.
957
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:03,115
[chuckles] If you’re here tonight...
958
00:54:03,657 --> 00:54:06,869
with someone
you have no business being here with...
959
00:54:07,995 --> 00:54:11,623
and you see a camera coming by,
just be like, “Hey. [hisses, grunts]
960
00:54:13,542 --> 00:54:14,626
Victory!”
961
00:54:17,004 --> 00:54:18,922
They’re very respectful.
They’ll go to the next person.
962
00:54:19,006 --> 00:54:21,675
Don’t even worry about that. [laughs]
963
00:54:22,468 --> 00:54:25,053
Before I forget, you guys,
I would like to thank the Allstate Arena
964
00:54:25,137 --> 00:54:27,806
for providing some amazing
accommodations backstage.
965
00:54:27,890 --> 00:54:28,891
[audience cheering]
966
00:54:28,974 --> 00:54:31,643
Let me tell you right now,
I love my dressing room
967
00:54:31,727 --> 00:54:34,980
for the simple fact that it has
basic things that I really like,
968
00:54:35,063 --> 00:54:36,523
like light switches.
969
00:54:37,733 --> 00:54:40,027
A lot of these arenas
are now starting to go green.
970
00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:43,614
So they’re taking away the light switches
and they’re replacing ’em with sensors.
971
00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:46,033
Sensors are cool when they work.
972
00:54:46,950 --> 00:54:49,119
Know what I mean?
You’re ten feet away, it senses you,
973
00:54:49,203 --> 00:54:51,246
and the whole room just--
[imitates electrical hum]
974
00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:54,791
What I don’t like is
when they’re messed up,
975
00:54:54,875 --> 00:54:58,170
you have to walk into a dark-ass room
and establish your presence.
976
00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:05,302
[imitates electrical hum]
977
00:55:06,178 --> 00:55:09,306
But then you stand still for four seconds.
[imitates hum stopping] “Shit!”
978
00:55:10,766 --> 00:55:11,850
[imitates electrical hum]
979
00:55:12,601 --> 00:55:16,480
In addition,
backstage my sink has knobs on it.
980
00:55:16,563 --> 00:55:18,899
I have control of the temperature
and pressure of the water,
981
00:55:18,982 --> 00:55:21,485
which in the Chicago area,
I believe, is very important,
982
00:55:21,568 --> 00:55:22,778
especially in the winter.
983
00:55:24,446 --> 00:55:26,448
Oh, man,
you guys are no joke in the winter.
984
00:55:26,532 --> 00:55:28,784
You need warm water
when you wash your hands.
985
00:55:28,867 --> 00:55:31,453
You can’t rely on a sensor
that gives you nothing but cold water,
986
00:55:31,537 --> 00:55:34,540
’cause you wash your hands with
cold water, your hands get all cryptic.
987
00:55:34,873 --> 00:55:36,708
You go outside,
people are making fun of you.
988
00:55:36,792 --> 00:55:37,459
“Lookit. ‘Thriller.’”
989
00:55:42,256 --> 00:55:47,386
My dressing room, you guys,
has a sink that has hot and cold--
990
00:55:48,053 --> 00:55:50,514
You can control the water.
You can control the temperature.
991
00:55:50,597 --> 00:55:51,890
You can control the pressure.
992
00:55:51,974 --> 00:55:55,310
I hate it when they take that away from us
and replace it with that little sensor.
993
00:55:55,394 --> 00:55:58,522
So now, in addition to being a comedian,
now I gotta be a magician.
994
00:55:59,690 --> 00:56:03,151
I’m not a magician, but if you watch me
wash my hands, that’s what I look like.
995
00:56:06,196 --> 00:56:07,864
Nothing. Then you walk away.
996
00:56:07,948 --> 00:56:09,408
[imitates water running]
997
00:56:10,826 --> 00:56:13,787
I feel like there’s someone behind
the mirror messing with me. “Watch this.”
998
00:56:13,870 --> 00:56:15,247
[imitates water running intermittently]
999
00:56:16,582 --> 00:56:19,126
Some places stop there.
Some places keep going.
1000
00:56:20,127 --> 00:56:23,380
I like a lot of soap when I wash my hands.
I like a good soap dispenser.
1001
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:26,425
I like the, you know, the pump, the--
[imitates soap dispenser squirting]
1002
00:56:26,758 --> 00:56:28,760
I hate it when they take that away from us
1003
00:56:28,844 --> 00:56:32,180
and then they replace it with that
little spout that goes next to the faucet.
1004
00:56:33,181 --> 00:56:34,099
You stick your hand under it,
1005
00:56:34,182 --> 00:56:36,435
and it gives you
that little booger of soap.
1006
00:56:37,352 --> 00:56:39,938
You know what I mean? That little moco.
You put it under.
1007
00:56:40,022 --> 00:56:41,940
You-- [imitates dispenser spitting]
1008
00:56:43,734 --> 00:56:46,111
You need more.
So you pull it out and then go back in.
1009
00:56:46,194 --> 00:56:48,739
But the sensor’s like,
“No. It’s still you.”
1010
00:56:51,992 --> 00:56:53,910
Now you gotta trick it, right?
1011
00:56:56,288 --> 00:56:58,957
Once you get enough soap on your hands,
you gotta try to wash it off.
1012
00:56:59,041 --> 00:57:00,417
But you can’t wash it off then
1013
00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:02,836
because the timer
for the water has timed out.
1014
00:57:02,919 --> 00:57:06,214
So now you have to back up and now
you have to put on a second performance.
1015
00:57:07,090 --> 00:57:09,426
Now it’s a race
to get that soap off your hands.
1016
00:57:09,509 --> 00:57:12,888
Once you get the soap off your hands,
now you gotta try to dry your hands.
1017
00:57:12,971 --> 00:57:16,266
Some places still give you a towel.
Some places give you paper towels.
1018
00:57:16,350 --> 00:57:20,729
Some take the paper towels and put ’em
in a box on the wall with another sensor.
1019
00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:22,731
And there you are.
1020
00:57:24,441 --> 00:57:25,901
[imitates dispenser humming,
paper tearing]
1021
00:57:25,984 --> 00:57:28,070
Three inches of paper.
1022
00:57:28,570 --> 00:57:31,698
Three inches, Chicago.
You can’t do anything with three inches.
1023
00:57:31,782 --> 00:57:33,659
Ask any woman. They’ll tell you.
1024
00:57:38,330 --> 00:57:40,248
Or a guy. I’m equal opportunity.
1025
00:57:42,793 --> 00:57:45,796
I need control of the paper.
I need the crank, the--
1026
00:57:45,879 --> 00:57:49,216
[imitates dispenser cranking]
1027
00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:49,967
[imitates paper tearing]
1028
00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:53,303
[squeaking sound]
1029
00:57:54,179 --> 00:57:56,390
Some places stop there.
Some places keep going.
1030
00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:58,767
Have you ever walked
into the bathroom stall...
1031
00:57:59,685 --> 00:58:02,145
close the door, locked it,
turned around, looked at the toilet
1032
00:58:02,229 --> 00:58:04,189
and seen a blinking red light on the wall?
1033
00:58:04,690 --> 00:58:06,483
And you’re like, “Really? Here too?”
1034
00:58:07,651 --> 00:58:11,571
All you’re trying to do is get the tissue
paper off the wall for the toilet seat.
1035
00:58:11,655 --> 00:58:13,156
You take one step--
1036
00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:15,742
[imitates toilet flushing]
1037
00:58:15,826 --> 00:58:17,327
I haven’t even done anything.
1038
00:58:18,662 --> 00:58:20,914
You grab the paper.
[imitates paper crinkling]
1039
00:58:20,998 --> 00:58:22,124
[imitates paper whooshing]
1040
00:58:27,713 --> 00:58:29,339
[imitates toilet flushing]
1041
00:58:29,423 --> 00:58:30,757
Hey!
1042
00:58:35,595 --> 00:58:37,723
[imitates paper crinkling, whooshing]
1043
00:58:43,437 --> 00:58:46,231
You turn around
and you put it on like a cape.
1044
00:58:46,314 --> 00:58:47,315
[imitates paper whooshing]
1045
00:58:48,316 --> 00:58:52,487
And you let it slide down your back while
you slowly try to time it just right.
1046
00:58:53,030 --> 00:58:54,322
Just as you’re about to sit down,
1047
00:58:54,406 --> 00:58:56,825
somebody walks into the bathroom
and distracts you.
1048
00:58:56,908 --> 00:58:58,785
[imitates door clicking] Huh?
[imitates toilet flushing]
1049
00:58:59,828 --> 00:59:02,080
But it’s too late. Your knees are bent.
1050
00:59:02,164 --> 00:59:05,125
And unless you do CrossFit,
you’re not coming back from that one.
1051
00:59:06,752 --> 00:59:09,087
Then your bare ass touches the seat...
1052
00:59:09,588 --> 00:59:11,715
and you’re like, “Aah!”
1053
00:59:11,798 --> 00:59:14,051
And just when you think
it can’t get any worse--
1054
00:59:14,134 --> 00:59:16,428
[imitates toilet flushing]
1055
00:59:16,511 --> 00:59:19,931
And all this water's splashing up,
hitting you right in the ass.
1056
00:59:20,015 --> 00:59:22,893
And then the water goes down the drain
and it creates that air vortex
1057
00:59:22,976 --> 00:59:24,728
that goes right between your legs.
1058
00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:28,690
So now you have a tsunami in the back,
you have a tornado in the front.
1059
00:59:28,774 --> 00:59:31,026
And who’s the victim?
[high-pitched voice] Pikachu.
1060
00:59:35,322 --> 00:59:37,324
And he’s holding on for dear life.
1061
00:59:39,117 --> 00:59:40,494
You haven’t even made magic yet,
1062
00:59:40,577 --> 00:59:42,704
and you’ve already been violated
by plumbing.
1063
00:59:44,623 --> 00:59:46,792
Now you do what you need to do.
1064
00:59:47,793 --> 00:59:49,211
You finish.
1065
00:59:49,461 --> 00:59:51,088
Now it’s time for clean-up,
1066
00:59:51,171 --> 00:59:52,631
time for maintenance.
1067
00:59:53,131 --> 00:59:55,467
So you reach over for the toilet paper.
1068
00:59:55,550 --> 00:59:58,136
And the problem
with using the restroom nowadays
1069
00:59:58,220 --> 01:00:01,973
is that most venues, including this one,
1070
01:00:02,057 --> 01:00:06,394
instead of putting
a human-size toilet paper roll
1071
01:00:06,478 --> 01:00:10,482
inside of the human-size
toilet paper roll dispenser...
1072
01:00:11,024 --> 01:00:13,193
they take their ass
to Costco or Sam’s Club
1073
01:00:13,276 --> 01:00:15,278
or one of these places
where you buy in bulk,
1074
01:00:15,362 --> 01:00:18,532
and they buy
that giant gorilla roll of toilet paper.
1075
01:00:19,074 --> 01:00:22,828
Then they come back here and they force it
into that little tiny compartment...
1076
01:00:23,286 --> 01:00:25,622
and then they close the door on it.
[imitates door latching]
1077
01:00:25,705 --> 01:00:28,041
So now this giant wheel
is locked in place.
1078
01:00:28,125 --> 01:00:29,709
You can’t even spin it. You’re just--
1079
01:00:29,793 --> 01:00:31,378
[grunting]
1080
01:00:34,256 --> 01:00:38,093
You can’t even find where it starts
because they glue it.
1081
01:00:39,594 --> 01:00:42,013
Out of desperation
you gotta pull out your car keys
1082
01:00:42,097 --> 01:00:43,598
and cut into the side of it
1083
01:00:43,682 --> 01:00:45,767
like a bag of cocaine on Narcos.
1084
01:00:48,270 --> 01:00:50,397
Then you get the paper.
[imitates paper whooshing, snapping]
1085
01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:52,941
You try to wipe. [imitates scraping sound]
1086
01:00:53,024 --> 01:00:55,068
[screams]
1087
01:00:56,570 --> 01:00:58,238
Chicago, a year from now,
1088
01:00:58,321 --> 01:01:00,407
a year from now I am predicting
1089
01:01:00,490 --> 01:01:05,120
that they are going to take 100% control
of the restroom.
1090
01:01:05,871 --> 01:01:08,165
You’re gonna be sitting there,
and you’re gonna think of me
1091
01:01:08,248 --> 01:01:09,457
’cause you’re gonna see it.
1092
01:01:10,625 --> 01:01:12,085
You’re gonna look over
to get the toilet paper,
1093
01:01:12,669 --> 01:01:15,046
and there’s gonna be
a blinking red light on it.
1094
01:01:15,714 --> 01:01:18,216
And you’re gonna be like,
“Oh, my God, Fluffy called it.”
1095
01:01:19,801 --> 01:01:21,553
And what are you gonna have to do?
[chuckles]
1096
01:01:21,636 --> 01:01:23,471
[imitates dispenser humming,
paper tearing]
1097
01:01:23,555 --> 01:01:24,806
One sheet.
1098
01:01:25,974 --> 01:01:28,602
[imitates dispenser humming,
paper tearing repeatedly]
1099
01:01:29,477 --> 01:01:31,938
You’re gonna get frustrated
and just sit on it, just--
1100
01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:33,732
[imitates dispenser humming constantly]
1101
01:01:36,902 --> 01:01:37,903
[imitates paper tearing]
1102
01:01:39,029 --> 01:01:42,407
Sorry, bro. I know that was
a lot of culo I threw at you right there.
1103
01:01:43,575 --> 01:01:46,453
[laughs] She’s like,
“It’s like Magic Mike.”
1104
01:01:48,747 --> 01:01:51,499
[laughs] I am so sorry, bro.
That was a lot.
1105
01:01:53,084 --> 01:01:54,336
“Damn!” Yeah.
1106
01:01:56,213 --> 01:01:58,256
You guys, I understand.
1107
01:01:58,965 --> 01:02:01,593
I understand
why they do this to our restrooms,
1108
01:02:01,676 --> 01:02:03,970
why they put sensors in places,
1109
01:02:04,054 --> 01:02:07,224
because they’re trying to save energy,
they’re trying to save water.
1110
01:02:07,432 --> 01:02:08,725
I live in California.
1111
01:02:08,808 --> 01:02:11,811
We need water. Okay? We do.
1112
01:02:11,895 --> 01:02:14,105
But some places need sensors,
some places don’t.
1113
01:02:14,940 --> 01:02:18,526
Some places are good at teaching us
how to conserve energy and conserve water.
1114
01:02:18,610 --> 01:02:22,197
Some places are horrible at it,
like the hotel that we’re staying at.
1115
01:02:22,280 --> 01:02:24,950
They have a very basic thing that they do.
1116
01:02:25,492 --> 01:02:27,452
They have a little cardboard sign
1117
01:02:27,535 --> 01:02:30,580
that hangs on the towel rack
in the bathroom.
1118
01:02:30,664 --> 01:02:36,127
All it says is, “Please help save water
by reusing your towel.”
1119
01:02:36,211 --> 01:02:39,256
On the back, a diagram shows you
the millions of gallons of water
1120
01:02:39,339 --> 01:02:41,758
that are saved every year
when people reuse their towel.
1121
01:02:41,841 --> 01:02:45,220
I reuse ’em at home.
I got no problem doing that at the hotel.
1122
01:02:45,303 --> 01:02:46,513
It’s my towel.
1123
01:02:46,596 --> 01:02:48,682
Some people
don’t want to reuse their towels.
1124
01:02:48,765 --> 01:02:50,725
They’re like, “That towel’s dirty.”
1125
01:02:50,809 --> 01:02:53,937
Well, if that towel’s dirty,
then you suck at showers.
1126
01:02:55,981 --> 01:02:58,817
Because theoretically
that white towel should be white
1127
01:02:58,900 --> 01:03:00,860
every single time you use it.
1128
01:03:00,944 --> 01:03:04,489
But, no, people like to roll it up
and then go expert mode with it.
1129
01:03:05,865 --> 01:03:08,285
And now you waste more water
trying to get that out.
1130
01:03:09,119 --> 01:03:11,329
Like I said, some places
are good at teaching us
1131
01:03:11,413 --> 01:03:13,623
how to save energy, save water.
1132
01:03:13,707 --> 01:03:15,500
Some places are horrible at it.
1133
01:03:16,042 --> 01:03:19,587
I was at a university not too long ago
very close to here.
1134
01:03:20,046 --> 01:03:22,924
And this university has a lot of money,
1135
01:03:23,008 --> 01:03:28,054
so much so that they have their own
private police department on campus.
1136
01:03:28,138 --> 01:03:30,307
It’s only for the campus.
Now, that’s not a big deal.
1137
01:03:30,390 --> 01:03:33,310
There’s a lot of colleges
that have their own on-campus police.
1138
01:03:33,893 --> 01:03:37,605
The difference is
this college, somehow or another,
1139
01:03:37,689 --> 01:03:43,695
wound up giving the police department
Priuses to use for their patrol cars.
1140
01:03:43,778 --> 01:03:46,197
-[scattered cheers]
-Some of you already know the university.
1141
01:03:46,281 --> 01:03:48,116
Now, look, this is not even a joke.
1142
01:03:48,199 --> 01:03:51,786
My thing is that,
if you’re an officer of the law...
1143
01:03:52,704 --> 01:03:54,581
it’s your job to fight crime.
1144
01:03:55,165 --> 01:03:58,335
The first thing that people see
when you arrive on a scene
1145
01:03:58,418 --> 01:04:00,920
is your mode of transportation.
1146
01:04:01,921 --> 01:04:05,425
Your vehicle needs to establish
dominance of the situation
1147
01:04:05,508 --> 01:04:07,510
before you set one foot outside.
1148
01:04:08,178 --> 01:04:09,429
In California,
1149
01:04:09,512 --> 01:04:14,392
over 65% of California Highway Patrol
officers now drive SUVs.
1150
01:04:14,476 --> 01:04:16,936
So when you get stopped over there,
you feel it.
1151
01:04:17,020 --> 01:04:18,646
You’re intimidated by it.
1152
01:04:18,730 --> 01:04:20,648
[imitates loud engine slowing]
1153
01:04:20,732 --> 01:04:23,860
[imitates siren blaring, horn honking]
1154
01:04:23,943 --> 01:04:26,821
And people jump out on the freeway.
“Don’t kill me!”
1155
01:04:28,114 --> 01:04:30,283
Now, imagine getting stopped by--
1156
01:04:30,367 --> 01:04:34,871
[imitates high-pitched motor slowing]
1157
01:04:34,954 --> 01:04:38,333
Don’t let me get stopped
by a cop in a Prius...
1158
01:04:39,209 --> 01:04:40,668
with attitude.
1159
01:04:42,253 --> 01:04:43,838
“You know why I stopped you?”
1160
01:04:43,922 --> 01:04:45,757
[laughs] ’Cause I let you?
1161
01:04:51,805 --> 01:04:54,182
Imagine the first time
they did a DUI stop.
1162
01:04:54,265 --> 01:04:57,602
The cop probably didn’t even get out
of the car. He just stayed on the radio.
1163
01:04:57,685 --> 01:05:01,523
“Sir, step out of your vehicle right now.”
“Okay. Okay.”
1164
01:05:01,606 --> 01:05:03,024
[imitates door slamming] “All right.
1165
01:05:05,652 --> 01:05:07,028
Is that a Prius?
1166
01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:10,532
I must be drunk.”
1167
01:05:11,866 --> 01:05:14,911
“Sir, walk the line.”
“Okay, all right, all right, all right.
1168
01:05:14,994 --> 01:05:16,538
Officer? [coughs]
1169
01:05:16,621 --> 01:05:20,834
If I gotta go to jail, can you call
a real cop car to pick me up?”
1170
01:05:22,293 --> 01:05:23,920
“Stop being a smart-ass. Walk the line.”
1171
01:05:24,003 --> 01:05:26,506
“Okay. Hey, real quick, real quick,
real quick, real quick.
1172
01:05:26,589 --> 01:05:28,550
Hey, hey, hey, charge my phone.”
1173
01:05:32,345 --> 01:05:34,055
“That’s it. You’re going to jail.”
1174
01:05:34,139 --> 01:05:35,432
[clicks tongue] “Aah!”
1175
01:05:38,852 --> 01:05:40,895
[imitates high-pitched motor]
1176
01:05:42,147 --> 01:05:43,523
[chuckles]
1177
01:05:43,606 --> 01:05:45,066
I don’t know, man.
1178
01:05:45,650 --> 01:05:48,403
-[man shouting]
-A lot of time-- Yes, sir? ¿Qué pasó?
1179
01:05:48,486 --> 01:05:51,448
[audience members shouting]
1180
01:05:51,531 --> 01:05:53,241
I love you too, bro.
Give me cake, sugar-free.
1181
01:05:55,285 --> 01:05:57,328
[laughing]
1182
01:05:57,412 --> 01:05:59,581
Thank you. I gotta be careful.
I almost slipped right there.
1183
01:06:00,540 --> 01:06:03,168
He’s like, “I’ll catch you.”
Yeah, you’ll catch me, you’ll catch me
1184
01:06:03,251 --> 01:06:04,252
and you’ll catch me.
1185
01:06:04,711 --> 01:06:06,045
It’s like SeaWorld without the water.
1186
01:06:09,007 --> 01:06:12,677
I gotta start being careful, you guys,
because I’m noticing now,
1187
01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:14,888
after six specials,
1188
01:06:14,971 --> 01:06:18,600
that a lot of my material,
a lot of my stories
1189
01:06:18,683 --> 01:06:21,561
are starting to come back to haunt me.
1190
01:06:22,437 --> 01:06:26,024
Some of them in good ways,
some of them not so good.
1191
01:06:26,107 --> 01:06:28,193
For example, in 1997...
1192
01:06:28,693 --> 01:06:32,071
on TV one time, one time, I said,
1193
01:06:32,155 --> 01:06:35,074
“I love chocolate cake.”
1194
01:06:35,909 --> 01:06:36,993
One time.
1195
01:06:37,660 --> 01:06:39,412
Nineteen years later,
1196
01:06:39,496 --> 01:06:42,540
people are still bringing me
chocolate cakes.
1197
01:06:43,625 --> 01:06:46,127
That is crazy. I mean, think about that.
1198
01:06:46,211 --> 01:06:48,254
Nineteen years ago,
and I’m still getting cake.
1199
01:06:48,338 --> 01:06:49,756
I’ve only said it one time.
1200
01:06:50,340 --> 01:06:53,176
Next thing you know, I talked
about how much I love diet sodas.
1201
01:06:53,676 --> 01:06:55,803
Next thing you know,
people started bringing me diet sodas.
1202
01:06:56,304 --> 01:06:57,972
In the following special, Aloha Fluffy,
1203
01:06:58,056 --> 01:07:00,517
I started talking about
how my son’s growing a little bit older
1204
01:07:00,600 --> 01:07:03,853
and the hormones are kicking in
and he needed to use deodorant.
1205
01:07:03,937 --> 01:07:05,897
Next thing you know,
his friends started bringing deodorant
1206
01:07:05,980 --> 01:07:09,067
and people started bringing deodorant
to my shows for me to give to my son.
1207
01:07:10,485 --> 01:07:12,779
In that same special, Aloha Fluffy...
1208
01:07:13,279 --> 01:07:16,157
I told a story, a story that went viral,
1209
01:07:16,241 --> 01:07:19,536
called “The Racist Gift Basket Story.”
1210
01:07:19,619 --> 01:07:22,163
[audience cheering, applauding]
1211
01:07:22,247 --> 01:07:25,250
The story itself
is about 15 minutes long, okay?
1212
01:07:25,792 --> 01:07:30,255
I’m gonna give you
the three-minute version of that story
1213
01:07:30,338 --> 01:07:32,590
so you understand what’s going on.
1214
01:07:33,216 --> 01:07:36,386
Basically, Martin and I are doing a show
in Sacramento, California.
1215
01:07:36,469 --> 01:07:38,763
We’re driving from LA to Sacramento.
1216
01:07:38,846 --> 01:07:41,683
We’re passing through a small town
called Fresno.
1217
01:07:42,267 --> 01:07:43,768
As we’re passing through Fresno,
1218
01:07:43,851 --> 01:07:46,312
we reach out to the local promoter
who does the shows there.
1219
01:07:46,396 --> 01:07:47,564
We’re good friends with him.
1220
01:07:47,647 --> 01:07:49,983
And he tells us, you know,
’cause we’re trying to have lunch--
1221
01:07:50,066 --> 01:07:53,152
And he goes, “He’s busy.
But by the way, G Reilly’s in town.”
1222
01:07:53,236 --> 01:07:55,196
And we’re like, “Oh, shoot,
our friend G Reilly’s in town.”
1223
01:07:55,780 --> 01:07:57,657
“He’s at the hotel.”
“All right, he’s at the hotel.”
1224
01:07:57,740 --> 01:07:59,284
We knew exactly where he was at.
1225
01:07:59,367 --> 01:08:02,120
So I say,
“Martin, how about we go and visit G?”
1226
01:08:02,203 --> 01:08:03,413
Martin goes, “Let’s stop by.”
1227
01:08:03,496 --> 01:08:06,374
I figured first let’s pick up some sodas,
some drinks so we can surprise him.
1228
01:08:07,000 --> 01:08:12,005
We get to the market. We walk in the door,
we see a whole pile of gift baskets.
1229
01:08:12,088 --> 01:08:14,882
Martin goes,
“We should get him a gift basket.”
1230
01:08:14,966 --> 01:08:18,094
I said, “Martin,
G Reilly doesn’t like gift baskets, okay?
1231
01:08:18,177 --> 01:08:21,514
He doesn’t like the fancy wine
and the fancy cheese and the sausage.
1232
01:08:21,598 --> 01:08:23,808
He definitely hates crackers.”
1233
01:08:23,891 --> 01:08:27,687
-[audience laughing]
-You don’t even know why that’s so funny.
1234
01:08:27,770 --> 01:08:29,564
-But anyways--
-[audience laughing]
1235
01:08:29,647 --> 01:08:31,149
I said, “How about this, Martin?
1236
01:08:31,232 --> 01:08:33,192
He doesn’t know we’re coming.
Let’s have fun with him.
1237
01:08:33,276 --> 01:08:36,779
How about we make him
a racist gift basket?”
1238
01:08:36,863 --> 01:08:38,072
And Martin goes, “What’s that?”
1239
01:08:38,156 --> 01:08:39,991
I go, “You know, Martin,
a racist gift basket,
1240
01:08:40,074 --> 01:08:42,327
a gift basket designed to have fun
1241
01:08:42,410 --> 01:08:44,454
with whatever race
you’re trying to mess with.”
1242
01:08:44,537 --> 01:08:46,372
Now, in G’s case, he’s black.
1243
01:08:46,456 --> 01:08:47,540
It was easy.
1244
01:08:48,875 --> 01:08:50,960
Now, I say easy not to be an ass.
1245
01:08:51,044 --> 01:08:53,588
I say easy
because there are so many stereotypes
1246
01:08:53,671 --> 01:08:55,590
attached to African Americans.
1247
01:08:55,673 --> 01:08:57,967
So we had this empty gift basket.
1248
01:08:58,051 --> 01:08:59,427
What did we put in it?
1249
01:08:59,510 --> 01:09:02,972
Fried chicken, watermelon,
Kool-Aid, grape soda,
1250
01:09:03,056 --> 01:09:05,350
barbecued potato chips, sunflower seeds,
1251
01:09:05,433 --> 01:09:06,726
an Ebony magazine,
1252
01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:09,896
a Chris Rock DVD
called Bigger and Blacker,
1253
01:09:09,979 --> 01:09:12,106
Magnum condoms, Newport cigarettes,
1254
01:09:12,190 --> 01:09:14,400
a rack of ribs, the recipe for corn bread.
1255
01:09:14,484 --> 01:09:17,528
We put everything but a white girl
with a big ass in the basket.
1256
01:09:21,074 --> 01:09:23,326
We wrapped it up really nice,
we put a big bow on it
1257
01:09:23,409 --> 01:09:24,744
and took it to the hotel.
1258
01:09:24,827 --> 01:09:27,330
We had the girl at the front desk
deliver it to his room.
1259
01:09:27,413 --> 01:09:30,541
Martin and I are waiting in the hallway
where he can’t see us.
1260
01:09:30,625 --> 01:09:32,543
So she knocks on the door.
[imitates knocking]
1261
01:09:32,627 --> 01:09:35,171
G Reilly opens the door.
She gives him the gift basket.
1262
01:09:35,254 --> 01:09:38,091
He says, “Thank you,” closes the door.
[imitates door closing]
1263
01:09:38,174 --> 01:09:39,550
Martin and I run to the door,
1264
01:09:39,634 --> 01:09:42,720
and we start listening to him
opening up the gift basket.
1265
01:09:43,221 --> 01:09:46,265
As he’s opening it, he’s getting excited.
1266
01:09:47,100 --> 01:09:52,814
And he is enjoying every single thing
he is pulling out of that basket.
1267
01:09:52,897 --> 01:09:56,818
He is loving this basket
until he realizes it’s a practical joke,
1268
01:09:56,901 --> 01:09:59,362
and then he freaks out
because he read the greeting card.
1269
01:10:00,071 --> 01:10:02,490
The greeting card freaked him out
1270
01:10:02,573 --> 01:10:06,369
because now he thinks
that the KKK sent the gift basket.
1271
01:10:07,745 --> 01:10:09,622
Some of you are like,
“Why does he think that?”
1272
01:10:09,706 --> 01:10:10,832
’Cause that’s what we wrote.
1273
01:10:12,542 --> 01:10:16,045
If you’re gonna do a practical joke,
you go big or you go home.
1274
01:10:16,129 --> 01:10:19,173
So he freaks out
and he tries to run out of the hotel room.
1275
01:10:19,257 --> 01:10:22,427
As soon as he gets in the hallway,
he sees Martin and I laughing
1276
01:10:22,510 --> 01:10:24,053
and he puts two and two together.
1277
01:10:24,137 --> 01:10:25,596
So then he cusses us out.
1278
01:10:25,680 --> 01:10:29,350
He forgives us, gives us a hug,
high five, we go back in his room.
1279
01:10:29,434 --> 01:10:31,561
And then I eat his chicken.
1280
01:10:33,688 --> 01:10:38,443
What winds up happening is
that story goes crazy on Comedy Central.
1281
01:10:38,526 --> 01:10:40,445
People are giving ’em a hard time.
They pull it.
1282
01:10:40,528 --> 01:10:43,573
Next thing you know,
I upload it through YouTube.
1283
01:10:43,656 --> 01:10:45,533
Ten million views it gets on YouTube.
1284
01:10:45,616 --> 01:10:48,911
Then they flag it
because the word “racist” is in the title.
1285
01:10:48,995 --> 01:10:51,038
So it gets pulled off.
So then I reupload it.
1286
01:10:51,122 --> 01:10:53,708
It gets another ten million.
Then I had people share it.
1287
01:10:53,791 --> 01:10:56,002
All in all, the video’s probably gotten
1288
01:10:56,085 --> 01:10:58,671
about a little over
a hundred million views.
1289
01:10:58,755 --> 01:10:59,881
So here’s what happened.
1290
01:11:01,758 --> 01:11:02,759
Just like...
1291
01:11:03,509 --> 01:11:04,761
the chocolate cakes--
1292
01:11:04,844 --> 01:11:08,055
[audience laughing]
1293
01:11:11,642 --> 01:11:12,643
the diet soda...
1294
01:11:13,895 --> 01:11:15,062
and the deodorant...
1295
01:11:15,605 --> 01:11:18,900
before you know it,
people started bringing me...
1296
01:11:19,734 --> 01:11:21,986
Mexican racist gift baskets.
1297
01:11:27,909 --> 01:11:30,703
Now, when it first started happening--
Listen, guys, I’m not gonna lie.
1298
01:11:30,787 --> 01:11:33,706
It was actually kind of cute
because it was only other Mexicans
1299
01:11:33,790 --> 01:11:36,834
bringing me
these “Mexican racist gift baskets.”
1300
01:11:36,918 --> 01:11:38,795
It started in LA after a show.
1301
01:11:38,878 --> 01:11:41,297
This one guy walks up to me with a basket,
and he’s like,
1302
01:11:41,380 --> 01:11:44,175
“Hey, what’s up, homey?
Got you a racist gift basket.”
1303
01:11:44,258 --> 01:11:47,053
I said, “We’re the same race.”
“Hey, whatever.” “All right, whatever.”
1304
01:11:49,222 --> 01:11:50,389
I take it backstage,
1305
01:11:50,473 --> 01:11:55,269
and all the items in the basket
made it to my house.
1306
01:11:55,353 --> 01:11:57,522
There was a Mexican blanket
with a tiger on it,
1307
01:11:57,605 --> 01:12:00,358
a bunch of bottles of Fanta,
bottles of sangria,
1308
01:12:00,441 --> 01:12:02,652
Vicente Fernández CDs, Mexican candy,
1309
01:12:02,735 --> 01:12:04,904
pan dulce, sweet bread, mazapanes.
1310
01:12:04,987 --> 01:12:07,323
Everything made it to my house.
1311
01:12:08,199 --> 01:12:09,200
Now...
1312
01:12:10,159 --> 01:12:12,954
the more East Coast we started traveling
1313
01:12:13,037 --> 01:12:15,540
and the more Down South
we started performing...
1314
01:12:16,123 --> 01:12:17,124
the more...
1315
01:12:19,710 --> 01:12:20,920
creative...
1316
01:12:22,255 --> 01:12:24,674
the gift baskets started getting.
1317
01:12:24,757 --> 01:12:27,927
Fast-forward to Mobile, Alabama.
1318
01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:29,762
[audience laughing, oohing]
1319
01:12:29,846 --> 01:12:31,264
Oh, it gets good.
1320
01:12:33,307 --> 01:12:36,143
Earlier tonight,
before we kicked off this special,
1321
01:12:36,227 --> 01:12:39,272
my friend Martin was out here
making a couple of announcements.
1322
01:12:39,355 --> 01:12:41,524
One of the announcements that he made was,
1323
01:12:41,607 --> 01:12:45,528
“If you brought a gift,
please hold on to it until after the show.
1324
01:12:45,611 --> 01:12:46,779
Don’t bring it to the stage.
1325
01:12:46,863 --> 01:12:48,489
It could interrupt the flow
of the performance.”
1326
01:12:49,073 --> 01:12:52,368
The only reason
why he makes this announcement
1327
01:12:52,451 --> 01:12:54,579
every single night
1328
01:12:54,662 --> 01:12:57,123
is because of one show in Mobile.
1329
01:12:57,665 --> 01:12:58,666
So here’s what happens.
1330
01:12:59,250 --> 01:13:01,502
I tell
the entire “Racist Gift Basket Story,”
1331
01:13:01,586 --> 01:13:02,962
the full 16 minutes, right?
1332
01:13:03,045 --> 01:13:06,591
As soon as I finish,
a guy from the back of the theater
1333
01:13:06,674 --> 01:13:08,384
rushes the front of the stage.
1334
01:13:08,467 --> 01:13:10,803
Now keep in mind this area is full.
1335
01:13:10,887 --> 01:13:13,598
In Mobile
the aisle was right up the middle.
1336
01:13:13,681 --> 01:13:15,600
So the guy had a clean shot to me.
1337
01:13:15,683 --> 01:13:18,394
He hauled ass like it was
The Price Is Right all the way down.
1338
01:13:18,477 --> 01:13:20,104
[imitating motor revving]
1339
01:13:20,855 --> 01:13:23,941
Much like tonight,
there was security there that night.
1340
01:13:24,025 --> 01:13:28,362
Security sees the guy with the basket,
but no one thought to stop him.
1341
01:13:29,530 --> 01:13:31,991
All they did was,
[Southern accent] “That’s pretty.”
1342
01:13:32,700 --> 01:13:34,076
“Oh, that’s nice. That’s pretty, yeah.”
1343
01:13:34,160 --> 01:13:37,038
So the guy makes it all the way
to the front, takes the gift basket,
1344
01:13:37,121 --> 01:13:38,664
and he puts it on the stage.
1345
01:13:38,748 --> 01:13:40,708
Now he’s heckling me
from where you’re sitting.
1346
01:13:40,791 --> 01:13:43,878
I’m standing here and he’s like, “Fluffy!”
1347
01:13:45,087 --> 01:13:47,298
“What’s up, dude?”
[Southern accent] “I got this for you.”
1348
01:13:47,924 --> 01:13:48,799
Thank you.
1349
01:13:48,883 --> 01:13:49,967
“Open it.”
1350
01:13:51,010 --> 01:13:53,346
I go, “Sir, we’re in the middle of a show
right now.”
1351
01:13:53,429 --> 01:13:55,932
I says, “I appreciate the gift.
That’s very nice of you.
1352
01:13:56,015 --> 01:13:58,059
But how about this?
I’ll open it after the show.”
1353
01:13:58,142 --> 01:14:00,686
“Oh, come on, Fluffy.
I wanna see your face.”
1354
01:14:01,187 --> 01:14:02,021
“Sir, how about this?
1355
01:14:02,104 --> 01:14:05,900
How about you take the gift basket and
bring it to the side where security’s at?
1356
01:14:05,983 --> 01:14:08,361
And I’ll have security escort you
behind the curtain.
1357
01:14:08,444 --> 01:14:11,572
And then I’ll open it up backstage
with you in front of me. How’s that?”
1358
01:14:11,656 --> 01:14:13,324
And he’s not taking no for an answer.
1359
01:14:13,407 --> 01:14:18,788
Now the problem is the crowd just saw me
tell “The Racist Gift Basket Story,”
1360
01:14:18,871 --> 01:14:21,457
and all of a sudden
there’s a guy with a gift basket.
1361
01:14:21,540 --> 01:14:24,085
They have no idea I’m not affiliated
1362
01:14:24,168 --> 01:14:26,462
with freakin’ Duck Dynasty
in the front row.
1363
01:14:28,047 --> 01:14:31,717
So now I’m trying to defuse the situation
before it gets crazy,
1364
01:14:31,801 --> 01:14:33,928
but he’s not taking no for an answer.
1365
01:14:34,011 --> 01:14:37,932
Next thing you know, he does something
no other audience member has ever done
1366
01:14:38,015 --> 01:14:40,685
in my 19-plus years as a comedian.
1367
01:14:41,185 --> 01:14:46,023
He takes the whole crowd away from me,
flips ’em, and then uses ’em on me...
1368
01:14:46,482 --> 01:14:48,442
in five seconds.
1369
01:14:48,526 --> 01:14:52,405
It was the most amazing, horrific thing
I have ever witnessed.
1370
01:14:52,989 --> 01:14:54,115
This is all he did:
1371
01:14:54,198 --> 01:14:55,783
[Southern accent] “Come on, Fluffy!
1372
01:14:55,866 --> 01:14:57,535
We wanna see your face!
1373
01:14:57,618 --> 01:15:00,496
We wanna see your face!
We wanna see your--”
1374
01:15:00,579 --> 01:15:04,041
He gets 2,000 people behind him
to start chanting.
1375
01:15:04,125 --> 01:15:06,127
[whispering loudly]
“We wanna see your face.
1376
01:15:06,210 --> 01:15:07,920
We wanna see your face.”
1377
01:15:08,004 --> 01:15:12,049
It was very evident this was not
the first rally he’s ever led.
1378
01:15:15,636 --> 01:15:17,138
The crowd is so loud,
1379
01:15:17,221 --> 01:15:19,473
I can no longer hear myself
over the monitor.
1380
01:15:19,557 --> 01:15:21,976
So I’m like-- I lost.
So I get on my hands and knees.
1381
01:15:22,059 --> 01:15:24,353
I put the microphone down,
I grab the gift basket,
1382
01:15:24,437 --> 01:15:26,105
and I start tearing it open.
1383
01:15:26,188 --> 01:15:27,398
I reach in.
1384
01:15:27,481 --> 01:15:32,028
Forget about pulling out Mexican soda,
Mexican candy or a Mexican blanket.
1385
01:15:32,111 --> 01:15:33,988
This dude was a pro.
1386
01:15:35,322 --> 01:15:38,075
I started pulling out gardening tools.
1387
01:15:44,915 --> 01:15:48,502
I’m pulling out a rake,
a toy shovel, a toy leaf blower.
1388
01:15:48,586 --> 01:15:50,671
[Southern accent]
“Dig deeper, Fluffy! Dig deeper!”
1389
01:15:50,755 --> 01:15:53,591
I pull out a soccer ball.
I go, “Dude, it says Puerto Rico.”
1390
01:15:53,674 --> 01:15:55,384
“They ran out of Mexico.”
1391
01:15:57,094 --> 01:15:59,764
I pull out a brick.
I go, “What’s the brick for?”
1392
01:15:59,847 --> 01:16:00,973
“The wall.”
1393
01:16:03,601 --> 01:16:08,272
I pull out an actual application
for US citizenship.
1394
01:16:08,355 --> 01:16:09,565
[audience gasping]
1395
01:16:11,067 --> 01:16:13,110
I said,
“There’s no way this can get any worse.”
1396
01:16:13,194 --> 01:16:14,278
“Dig deeper!”
1397
01:16:14,361 --> 01:16:15,529
I was wrong.
1398
01:16:16,322 --> 01:16:19,867
I pull out
an old-school box of Crayola Crayons.
1399
01:16:19,950 --> 01:16:22,828
You know, the 64-pack
that has a sharpener in the back?
1400
01:16:22,912 --> 01:16:24,288
-[cheering]
-Okay.
1401
01:16:24,371 --> 01:16:26,123
There’s a window
on the front of the crayons
1402
01:16:26,207 --> 01:16:29,710
so you can see
all of the colors that are in the box.
1403
01:16:29,794 --> 01:16:32,046
All of the crayons in the box are brown
1404
01:16:32,129 --> 01:16:36,008
except for one white crayon
right in the middle.
1405
01:16:36,092 --> 01:16:39,637
And I said,
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
1406
01:16:39,720 --> 01:16:43,140
And he looks at me and he says,
“Welcome to my world.”
1407
01:16:50,189 --> 01:16:52,900
The crowd is laughing so hard,
1408
01:16:52,983 --> 01:16:56,362
I know for a fact I don’t have a joke
that’s gonna follow that.
1409
01:16:56,904 --> 01:16:59,156
So I made like
that was the end of my performance.
1410
01:16:59,240 --> 01:17:02,159
I picked up the gift basket.
I said, “Thank you, Mobile!”
1411
01:17:02,243 --> 01:17:03,410
[imitates audience cheering]
1412
01:17:03,494 --> 01:17:05,913
And I gave the guy a dirty look.
“Motherfucker!”
1413
01:17:09,458 --> 01:17:12,294
I go behind the curtain.
Martin is waiting behind the curtain.
1414
01:17:12,378 --> 01:17:14,296
And Martin’s like, “Bro.
1415
01:17:15,673 --> 01:17:17,341
You killed it out there.”
1416
01:17:18,008 --> 01:17:20,553
I go, “Martin,
they weren’t laughing at my jokes.”
1417
01:17:20,636 --> 01:17:23,180
“What were they laughing at?”
And I showed him the application.
1418
01:17:23,264 --> 01:17:25,057
And he’s like-- [screams]
1419
01:17:25,516 --> 01:17:27,935
“You’re not my friend. Not my friend.”
1420
01:17:28,853 --> 01:17:31,772
So I walk into the dressing room,
you guys, and I’m pissed, man.
1421
01:17:31,856 --> 01:17:34,483
I walk in. I close the door.
[imitates door slamming]
1422
01:17:34,567 --> 01:17:36,402
Put the basket down.
I’m scratching my head.
1423
01:17:36,485 --> 01:17:38,821
I’m trying to think,
“What could I have done
1424
01:17:38,904 --> 01:17:41,282
to have prevented that
from getting to where it went?
1425
01:17:41,365 --> 01:17:44,118
Should I have grabbed
the gift basket, moved it out of the way?
1426
01:17:44,201 --> 01:17:47,329
Should I have had security grab the guy?
Grab the gift basket and the guy?”
1427
01:17:47,413 --> 01:17:51,125
Every idea that I’m coming up with
is ending worse.
1428
01:17:51,208 --> 01:17:53,043
Finally, I accept it.
1429
01:17:53,127 --> 01:17:54,670
I jump in the shower.
1430
01:17:54,753 --> 01:17:57,381
I get out. I get dressed.
Security shows up.
1431
01:17:57,464 --> 01:17:58,924
[imitates knocking] “Mr. Iglesias?”
1432
01:17:59,008 --> 01:18:00,009
“Yeah.” “Ready?”
1433
01:18:00,092 --> 01:18:03,512
“Yeah, yeah. Give me a second.”
I grab my backpack. I put on my backpack.
1434
01:18:03,596 --> 01:18:07,141
I walk over to the door,
open up the door. “Let’s go.”
1435
01:18:07,224 --> 01:18:10,060
He sees the gift basket on the chair,
1436
01:18:10,144 --> 01:18:12,062
and he’s trying to be nice.
1437
01:18:12,146 --> 01:18:13,564
“I’ll get that for you, sir.”
1438
01:18:13,647 --> 01:18:15,149
“Uh--
1439
01:18:15,733 --> 01:18:17,026
Yeah, bring it.
1440
01:18:18,986 --> 01:18:21,447
Bring... Never know
when you might need an application.”
1441
01:18:24,491 --> 01:18:29,371
So now he’s escorting me out the back door
of the theater into an empty parking lot
1442
01:18:29,455 --> 01:18:31,916
on our way to the tour bus
that’s at the very end of the parking lot.
1443
01:18:32,875 --> 01:18:34,793
We’re walking for a good four minutes.
1444
01:18:34,877 --> 01:18:36,962
All of a sudden, I hear this:
1445
01:18:37,463 --> 01:18:39,590
“Fluffy!
1446
01:18:39,673 --> 01:18:41,550
Whoo-ooh! Fluffy!
1447
01:18:41,634 --> 01:18:46,138
Flu-Flu-Flu-Flu-Flu-Flu-Flu-Fluffy!
Hoo-hoo, Fluffy!”
1448
01:18:46,722 --> 01:18:48,432
I’m like, “Is he hog-calling me?”
1449
01:18:49,141 --> 01:18:50,684
“I believe so, sir.”
1450
01:18:51,477 --> 01:18:54,021
It’s the guy that gave me the gift basket,
1451
01:18:54,104 --> 01:18:56,398
and now he’s standing
next to the tour bus.
1452
01:18:56,482 --> 01:18:58,275
So there’s no way I’m gonna get past him.
1453
01:18:58,776 --> 01:19:01,278
So I’m like, “Man!” So we stop walking.
1454
01:19:01,362 --> 01:19:03,322
Security’s like,
“Would you like me to call for backup?”
1455
01:19:03,405 --> 01:19:05,449
“You don’t need to.
He’s not gonna hurt me.
1456
01:19:05,532 --> 01:19:06,825
It’s just gonna get really weird.”
1457
01:19:08,160 --> 01:19:10,746
I pull out my cell phone,
and I’m trying to text Martin.
1458
01:19:10,829 --> 01:19:12,915
“Come on, Martin. Get over--”
He’s not replying.
1459
01:19:12,998 --> 01:19:15,834
The guy gets tired of waiting
next to the bus.
1460
01:19:15,918 --> 01:19:17,753
So now he’s walking towards me,
1461
01:19:17,836 --> 01:19:20,339
but he’s doing it in a really weird way.
1462
01:19:20,422 --> 01:19:23,801
He’s walking towards me
like I’m a dangerous animal.
1463
01:19:24,426 --> 01:19:26,679
Okay? He’s doing this: “Fluffy.
1464
01:19:30,808 --> 01:19:31,725
Fluffy.”
1465
01:19:31,809 --> 01:19:33,394
“I’m not gonna do anything!”
1466
01:19:33,477 --> 01:19:35,604
And he walks over, and he’s just ranting.
1467
01:19:35,688 --> 01:19:37,106
“All right, look here, Fluffster.
1468
01:19:37,189 --> 01:19:39,650
First and foremost,
let me just tell you something right now.
1469
01:19:39,733 --> 01:19:42,152
I’ve been watching your comedy
for about seven years now,
1470
01:19:42,236 --> 01:19:43,904
and my favorite joke that you tell
1471
01:19:43,988 --> 01:19:47,032
is when you give that gift basket
to your colored friend G.
1472
01:19:47,116 --> 01:19:49,410
Man, first time
I heard you tell that joke,
1473
01:19:49,493 --> 01:19:51,495
I wanted to laugh really hard,
but I couldn’t, right?
1474
01:19:51,578 --> 01:19:53,831
’Cause I was at a bar
sitting next to two black people.
1475
01:19:53,914 --> 01:19:56,208
You can’t laugh at a black joke
in front of black people
1476
01:19:56,292 --> 01:19:58,252
’cause they get all uppity,
start chanting civil rights
1477
01:19:58,335 --> 01:19:59,795
and Rosa Parks and shit like that.
1478
01:19:59,878 --> 01:20:02,423
And, hey, I voted for Obama,
but it’s too soon to laugh.
1479
01:20:02,506 --> 01:20:03,465
You know what I’m sayin’?
1480
01:20:03,549 --> 01:20:06,385
Anyway, I took my happy ass home,
and I got on the Internet,
1481
01:20:06,468 --> 01:20:08,887
and I Googled ‘Racist Gift Basket,’
and your joke came up,
1482
01:20:08,971 --> 01:20:13,225
and I had me a good old laugh, and I says,
‘You know, I love Fluffy’s sense of humor.
1483
01:20:13,309 --> 01:20:15,269
He likes to push the envelope
with his friends,
1484
01:20:15,352 --> 01:20:18,939
and he doesn’t allow political correctness
to interfere with a good friendship.
1485
01:20:19,023 --> 01:20:20,983
At the end of the day,
you’re still friends,
1486
01:20:21,066 --> 01:20:23,652
you still love each other,
you still respect one another.’
1487
01:20:23,736 --> 01:20:27,239
I said, ‘Hey, if the Fluffster
ever shows his ass here in Mobile,
1488
01:20:27,323 --> 01:20:29,408
be first in line to get me one
of them tickets.’
1489
01:20:29,491 --> 01:20:31,785
And you came! So I tell my friends,
1490
01:20:31,869 --> 01:20:33,954
‘Let’s go! Let’s go see the Fluffster.’
1491
01:20:34,038 --> 01:20:37,124
I said, ‘But first, I’d bet you anything
he’d appreciate it
1492
01:20:37,207 --> 01:20:40,627
if somebody were to get him
one of them gift baskets like he got G.’
1493
01:20:40,711 --> 01:20:43,088
Except we got you the UPS basket.”
1494
01:20:43,172 --> 01:20:44,506
“UPS basket?”
1495
01:20:44,590 --> 01:20:47,426
“Yeah, ‘What can brown do for you?’ So--”
1496
01:20:47,509 --> 01:20:48,802
[audience laughing]
1497
01:20:49,678 --> 01:20:52,348
“The problem is you didn’t laugh.
1498
01:20:52,431 --> 01:20:55,476
You got offended, and I didn’t want you
to get offended, Fluffster.
1499
01:20:55,559 --> 01:20:56,685
I wanted you to laugh.
1500
01:20:56,769 --> 01:21:00,022
But the problem is, is that, you know,
I didn’t need you thinking
1501
01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:02,775
that Mobile was a horrible place
and we were horrible people.
1502
01:21:02,858 --> 01:21:06,487
We were just trying to have fun with you
the same way you had fun with G.
1503
01:21:06,570 --> 01:21:09,365
We work very hard here,
40-plus hours a week myself.
1504
01:21:09,448 --> 01:21:12,993
And the amount of money and time
that we put into that gift basket
1505
01:21:13,077 --> 01:21:14,661
is only because we love you.
1506
01:21:14,745 --> 01:21:18,415
Hey, you have any idea
how long I was on the goddamn Internet
1507
01:21:18,499 --> 01:21:21,085
trying to find
an application for US citizenship?
1508
01:21:22,586 --> 01:21:24,797
In English? Are you shitting me?
1509
01:21:26,048 --> 01:21:27,341
Everything’s in español.
1510
01:21:27,424 --> 01:21:29,760
Hey, I voted for Obama.
I ain’t got time for that.
1511
01:21:30,135 --> 01:21:33,806
The bottom line is that I’m sorry
for interfering with your performance.
1512
01:21:33,889 --> 01:21:36,016
It’ll never happen again.
1513
01:21:36,100 --> 01:21:38,018
I just wanted to say I’m sorry,
1514
01:21:38,102 --> 01:21:41,271
and hopefully you’ll allow me
to take a picture with you.
1515
01:21:41,355 --> 01:21:42,189
I’m sorry.”
1516
01:21:42,272 --> 01:21:44,691
And I was like, “Oh, my God, I’m a dick.”
1517
01:21:47,069 --> 01:21:49,071
I said,
“Listen, sir, you don’t have to apologize.
1518
01:21:49,154 --> 01:21:52,366
I should apologize. I didn’t handle
the situation the right way.
1519
01:21:52,449 --> 01:21:54,159
But you gotta look at it through my eyes.
1520
01:21:54,243 --> 01:21:57,704
I’ve never had anyone
take an entire crowd away from me.”
1521
01:21:57,788 --> 01:21:59,832
“That was pretty good, huh?”
“Will you listen?
1522
01:22:01,542 --> 01:22:03,293
Yes, that was pretty good.
1523
01:22:03,377 --> 01:22:06,630
Look, I’m very sorry that I got upset.
First time that happens.
1524
01:22:06,713 --> 01:22:09,216
I won’t let that happen again.
You don’t have to apologize.
1525
01:22:09,299 --> 01:22:11,468
I will be happy
to take a picture with you.”
1526
01:22:11,552 --> 01:22:13,846
“Now, see-- Now, see?
1527
01:22:13,929 --> 01:22:17,724
That’s what I’m saying right there.
That’s what I’m saying right there!
1528
01:22:17,808 --> 01:22:20,018
All my friends are like,
‘To hell with that beaner.’
1529
01:22:20,102 --> 01:22:22,020
I said, ‘Nope. Nope.
1530
01:22:22,104 --> 01:22:23,856
That beaner is good people.’”
1531
01:22:26,692 --> 01:22:28,360
[audience applauding, cheering]
1532
01:22:32,614 --> 01:22:34,741
And then he pulled out his camera, right?
1533
01:22:34,825 --> 01:22:36,827
[imitates camera ratcheting]
1534
01:22:39,496 --> 01:22:42,749
And he tries to hand
this disposable FunSaver camera
1535
01:22:42,833 --> 01:22:44,543
to this 19-year-old security guard
1536
01:22:44,626 --> 01:22:47,421
who’s never handled
that level of technology.
1537
01:22:48,797 --> 01:22:50,966
He puts the gift basket down.
We hand him the camera.
1538
01:22:51,049 --> 01:22:53,343
He’s looking for an app.
He’s looking for a screen.
1539
01:22:53,427 --> 01:22:57,306
Meanwhile, the guy wants to pose
with his arm over my shoulders.
1540
01:22:57,389 --> 01:23:00,267
He’s a little shorter than me,
so I gotta do this one right here, okay?
1541
01:23:00,350 --> 01:23:03,061
He’s got me in this headlock,
and he just starts talking.
1542
01:23:03,145 --> 01:23:05,856
“Look here, Fluffster.
Let me just tell you something right now.
1543
01:23:05,939 --> 01:23:07,357
I really appreciate what you do.
1544
01:23:07,441 --> 01:23:10,986
I’m gonna continue to pray for you,
your family, your friends and your success
1545
01:23:11,069 --> 01:23:12,613
because what you do is a godsend.
1546
01:23:12,696 --> 01:23:13,655
It really is.
1547
01:23:13,739 --> 01:23:16,533
In these times, you make people smile,
you make people laugh.
1548
01:23:16,617 --> 01:23:18,702
We need more of that in our lives.
1549
01:23:18,785 --> 01:23:21,371
Look, I’m not trying to blow smoke
up your butt, but look.
1550
01:23:21,455 --> 01:23:24,791
I don’t have children,
but if I ever had one of my own,
1551
01:23:24,875 --> 01:23:27,711
I’d hope he’d have your spirit.
God bless you.”
1552
01:23:28,629 --> 01:23:30,130
“Listen. Thank you.
1553
01:23:31,298 --> 01:23:32,758
Thank you very much.
1554
01:23:32,841 --> 01:23:34,259
[audience cheering]
1555
01:23:37,596 --> 01:23:40,098
Hey, buddy, listen.
If there’s anything I can do--”
1556
01:23:40,182 --> 01:23:41,642
“Hey, b-b-b-b-bah.
1557
01:23:41,725 --> 01:23:43,685
D-Don’t do that. Don’t do that.
1558
01:23:43,769 --> 01:23:44,853
Don’t do that.
1559
01:23:44,937 --> 01:23:47,564
Don’t say what you don’t mean.
1560
01:23:48,148 --> 01:23:49,149
Let’s just take a picture.
1561
01:23:49,233 --> 01:23:51,944
Don’t say what you don’t mean
if you don’t mean it.”
1562
01:23:57,241 --> 01:24:00,619
“If there’s anything I can do,
please let me know.”
1563
01:24:06,875 --> 01:24:08,585
“Hold up the application.”
1564
01:24:12,256 --> 01:24:15,008
Chicago, I love you. Thank you.
1565
01:24:15,717 --> 01:24:18,011
Have a great night. Thank you so much.
1566
01:24:18,095 --> 01:24:20,847
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you!
1567
01:24:20,931 --> 01:24:23,767
[song intro]
1568
01:24:23,850 --> 01:24:25,352
[audience cheering]
1569
01:24:30,816 --> 01:24:33,694
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1570
01:24:38,824 --> 01:24:41,868
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1571
01:24:41,952 --> 01:24:44,413
♪ It’s time to say hello ♪
1572
01:24:44,496 --> 01:24:46,373
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1573
01:24:47,082 --> 01:24:50,085
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1574
01:24:50,168 --> 01:24:52,629
♪ It’s time to let you know ♪
1575
01:24:52,713 --> 01:24:54,548
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1576
01:24:55,299 --> 01:24:57,884
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1577
01:24:57,968 --> 01:25:00,095
♪ Mmm, you’re Fluffy, automatic ♪
1578
01:25:00,178 --> 01:25:02,097
♪ Break it down, systematic ♪
1579
01:25:02,180 --> 01:25:03,682
♪ Healthy, husky, Fluffy ♪
1580
01:25:03,765 --> 01:25:04,683
[Fluffy] Damn!
1581
01:25:04,766 --> 01:25:06,268
♪ Drive-thru fanatic ♪
1582
01:25:06,351 --> 01:25:08,562
♪ Ladies, check out the figure ♪
1583
01:25:08,645 --> 01:25:10,397
♪ Curvaceous and climactic ♪
1584
01:25:10,480 --> 01:25:14,151
♪ Man, he’s hotter than a tan
on a Jersey Shore fanatic ♪
1585
01:25:14,234 --> 01:25:16,570
-[Fluffy] Uh-uh, look here, Nacho Libre
-♪Fluffy ♪
1586
01:25:16,653 --> 01:25:19,448
♪ Mr. Fabulous in “Road Trip” ♪
1587
01:25:19,531 --> 01:25:22,576
-♪ Fluffy ♪
-♪ The palm tree to your toothpick ♪
1588
01:25:22,659 --> 01:25:25,203
-[Fluffy] Oh, hell, no!
-♪ French braider, laugh instater ♪
1589
01:25:25,287 --> 01:25:27,205
♪ Crackin’ smiles to South Decatur ♪
1590
01:25:27,289 --> 01:25:29,291
♪ Fits and giggles instigator ♪
1591
01:25:29,374 --> 01:25:31,168
♪ Fluffalicious makes it greater ♪
1592
01:25:31,251 --> 01:25:33,670
♪ It’s time to say hello ♪
1593
01:25:33,754 --> 01:25:35,547
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1594
01:25:36,298 --> 01:25:39,343
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1595
01:25:39,426 --> 01:25:41,928
♪ It’s time to let you know ♪
1596
01:25:42,012 --> 01:25:43,764
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1597
01:25:44,514 --> 01:25:47,017
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1598
01:25:47,100 --> 01:25:49,519
♪ Yeah, yo, Fluffy, what’s the status? ♪
1599
01:25:49,603 --> 01:25:51,605
♪ Sho’nuff, yo, who’s the baddest? ♪
1600
01:25:51,688 --> 01:25:55,525
♪ Yo, hit them funny bones
with them comedic acrobatics ♪
1601
01:25:55,609 --> 01:25:56,526
[Fluffy] Martin!
1602
01:25:56,610 --> 01:25:59,655
♪ Feel the force, boy
Quit all the chatter ♪
1603
01:25:59,738 --> 01:26:01,073
♪ I’ll just get more Fluffy ♪
1604
01:26:01,156 --> 01:26:03,450
♪ Hopefully the chocolate cake
gets fatter ♪
1605
01:26:03,533 --> 01:26:04,785
[Fluffy] Mmm, chocolate cake
1606
01:26:04,868 --> 01:26:08,580
-♪ Fluffy ♪
-♪ Worldwide to Cali-fresh, yes ♪
1607
01:26:08,664 --> 01:26:10,791
♪ You got your Hawaiian shirt pressed? ♪
1608
01:26:10,874 --> 01:26:12,626
[Fluffy] Oh, my God, yes
1609
01:26:12,709 --> 01:26:15,962
♪ He’s full of soul
and built tough like King Kong ♪
1610
01:26:16,046 --> 01:26:18,799
♪ Everybody stand up, fluff it up ♪
1611
01:26:18,882 --> 01:26:20,717
-♪ And sing this song ♪
-♪ Come on ♪
1612
01:26:20,801 --> 01:26:22,844
♪ It’s time to say hello ♪
1613
01:26:22,928 --> 01:26:24,763
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1614
01:26:25,514 --> 01:26:28,517
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1615
01:26:28,600 --> 01:26:31,144
♪ It’s time to let you know ♪
1616
01:26:31,228 --> 01:26:32,979
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1617
01:26:33,772 --> 01:26:36,733
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1618
01:26:38,235 --> 01:26:40,112
[people chattering]
1619
01:26:53,250 --> 01:26:56,128
♪ It’s time to let you know ♪
1620
01:26:56,211 --> 01:26:58,296
♪ How to do the Fluffy Flow ♪
1621
01:27:01,466 --> 01:27:03,885
♪ It’s time to say hello ♪
1622
01:27:03,969 --> 01:27:05,804
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1623
01:27:06,555 --> 01:27:09,516
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1624
01:27:09,599 --> 01:27:12,185
♪ It’s time to let you know ♪
1625
01:27:12,269 --> 01:27:14,020
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1626
01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,774
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1627
01:27:17,858 --> 01:27:20,235
♪ It’s time to say hello ♪
1628
01:27:20,318 --> 01:27:22,195
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1629
01:27:22,988 --> 01:27:26,074
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1630
01:27:26,158 --> 01:27:28,577
♪ It’s time to let you know ♪
1631
01:27:28,660 --> 01:27:30,412
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1632
01:27:32,456 --> 01:27:34,124
♪ Fluffy ♪
1633
01:27:34,207 --> 01:27:36,668
♪ It’s time to say hello ♪
1634
01:27:36,752 --> 01:27:38,587
♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪
1635
01:27:39,379 --> 01:27:42,424
♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪
1636
01:27:42,924 --> 01:27:44,760
[Fluffy] Oh, my God, yes.