1
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###--- <font color="#00ff40">Tomang</font> Yang Upload --->

2
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MALL SANTA: oh, ha, ha. Well,
I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle.

3
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,952
And I'll see what I can do about
your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.

4
00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:22,320
All right. Merry Christmas!

5
00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:24,051
- Who's next?
- Santa!

6
00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:26,788
Kumar, no! Merry--

7
00:01:26,953 --> 00:01:28,591
WOMAN:
Back cf the line, tech support!

8
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- Is this a joke?
KUMAR: Hold the fuck on.

9
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,397
Your son can rub his ass
on Santa's cock in a minute.

10
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[ALL GASP]

11
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- What do you want for Christmas?
KUMAR: That's a really good question.

12
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,302
- Snoopy Sno-cone Machine.
- Done.

13
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:41,571
- And a DeLorean.
- Yes.

14
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:43,112
Wu-Tang to get back together.

15
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I'll tell the elves.

16
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,442
This is just for my stockings.

17
00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:47,744
- For my present--
- Hey!

18
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,452
Meet me at my sleigh
in half an hour, okay?

19
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,647
You get it. Merry Christmas, Santa.

20
00:01:52,812 --> 00:01:54,086
- Ooh. Bang.
- Oh!

21
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,459
Right in the sugar plums.

22
00:01:57,917 --> 00:02:01,455
Okay. On the menu today, we have:

23
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,266
Winter Wonder Weed.

24
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:06,594
We have Rudolph
the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

25
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,034
Oh, it's a Weederful Life.

26
00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:10,470
God, does everything have
to be about Christmas?

27
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,337
Hey, some people like the holidays.

28
00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:16,447
I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from
Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me cut.

29
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KUMAR:
What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout."

30
00:02:18,938 --> 00:02:20,178
A little more expensive.

31
00:02:20,907 --> 00:02:22,978
This is like Duvalier Dank from October.

32
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,645
- I'll take it.
- Oh. Hello, gentlemen.

33
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,154
KUMAR:
Mm.

34
00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:27,557
- Shit.
- What?

35
00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,352
You have anything to smoke cut cf?

36
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[COUGHS]

37
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PROTESTERS [CHANTING]:
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

38
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Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

39
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KENNETH:
Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.

40
00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:20,099
Wait...

41
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:21,472
...more protesters?

42
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,648
Do they really think we care
what poor people think?

43
00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:25,908
Kenneth, it's Christmas.

44
00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:28,551
They're out of work. You'd be upset too.

45
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,585
Let's see haw you did
on your assignment.

46
00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:34,020
I think I found the absolute best gift
for your father-in-law.

47
00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,990
And, Mr. Lee, I think you're
gonna be really pleased.

48
00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:39,388
Ow.

49
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,225
Oh, my God.

50
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,058
Hi.

51
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,701
This is a Sharp...

52
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...52" Aquos Quattron TV...

53
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...with state-cf-the-art 3D technology...

54
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...that makes Avatar lock Avatar-ded.

55
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,974
I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing
jumped the shark by now?

56
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:55,635
Mr. Lee, you don't understand.

57
00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:57,611
This is the best 3D you've ever seen.

58
00:03:57,770 --> 00:03:59,477
It's gonna be amazing!

59
00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:03,248
Who are you looking at?

60
00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:09,584
Mr. Lee!

61
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,426
Want me to call you a cab...

62
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,427
...a town car, a limo? it's not safe...

63
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,429
...cut there.
- No, thanks, Kenneth.

64
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,465
I get a buddy picking me up.

65
00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:20,595
One more thing!
Merry Christmas to you...

66
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,239
...Harold, and Happy New Year!

67
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:23,271
Hey, over there.

68
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:24,407
We get another one.

69
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:27,170
Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them.

70
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:28,811
Hey...

71
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:31,642
...angry protesters!
I just get a huge Christmas bonus...

72
00:04:31,804 --> 00:04:33,750
...so you can suck my rich, yellow...

73
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:34,612
...dick!

74
00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:46,793
[YELLS]

75
00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:48,324
Get him!

76
00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:49,364
[PROTESTERS CLAMORING]

77
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[GRUNTING]

78
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[SCREAMING]

79
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[WHIMPERING]

80
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HAROLD:
Dude!

81
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,331
Open the door!

82
00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:25,292
Unh. Thank God you're here.

83
00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:28,094
I thought those hippies
were gonna kill you.

84
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,304
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!

85
00:05:31,464 --> 00:05:32,841
Just drive. Todd, drive.

86
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,976
No, no, no! No, no, no!

87
00:05:36,135 --> 00:05:36,670
Oh, great.

88
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,281
Now we're getting tinkled on.

89
00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:40,440
-It's just urine. it'll wash cut.
- Oh, Harry.

90
00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,984
Tinkle on the windshield
is the grossest thing...

91
00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:44,746
...that has ever happened to me.

92
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:47,747
Ugh.

93
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,860
[RETCHES]

94
00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:57,692
It smells like shit in here.

95
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:09,374
Hey...

96
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,239
...neighbor.
- Hey, man.

97
00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:11,939
All right.

98
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:15,314
Check it. Remember that hot virgin
I met on the internet? Get this:

99
00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:16,883
She wants me...

100
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,579
...to deflower her.

101
00:06:18,778 --> 00:06:20,280
Tonight. Christmas Eve.

102
00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:22,892
At a party she's throwing
in Manhattan. Best part:

103
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,029
- You're coming with me.
- No can do, man.

104
00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:28,324
I gotta stay here and smoke this weed,
otherwise I won't get high.

105
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:29,762
Why not ask your roommate?

106
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:32,402
Because you're the best.
I don't wanna go with him.

107
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:35,596
I already asked him. He said no.
He's spending Christmas...

108
00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,435
...with his stupid girlfriend.

109
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,540
Mm. This is what happens.
They get a girlfriend...

110
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,577
...then they get married...

111
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,681
...then you never hear from them again.

112
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,074
Fuck it, I'm in.

113
00:06:48,541 --> 00:06:49,383
Yes.

114
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TODD: Wow, the Jewish neighbors
must hate this.

115
00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:57,795
Well, Harry. Harry.

116
00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,258
You have outdone yourself.

117
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,796
HAROLD:
If you knew Maria's dad...

118
00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:02,660
...you'd pull out all the stops too.

119
00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:04,824
Has not accepted you
as part cf the family?

120
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:09,064
No, not yet. But he's a huge fan cf
Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...

121
00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:10,866
...all the work, he appreciates it.

122
00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:12,100
Oh, so smart.

123
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,938
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

124
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,477
Oh. Jinx.

125
00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:18,582
You always do that.
You keep doing it. it's crazy.

126
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:21,048
Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you.

127
00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:22,350
Or both.

128
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:25,280
Maria!

129
00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:28,023
Oh, hi there.
Somebody's lacking...

130
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,787
...uh, very merry today.

131
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,827
Somebody is also...

132
00:07:32,985 --> 00:07:34,896
...ovulating.

133
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:36,661
Um ...

134
00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:40,903
Your dad is gonna be here any minute,
though. Honestly, that's--

135
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:43,904
- Baby. Then let's get to it.
- Oh!

136
00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:45,804
Because when they get here...

137
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:50,004
...we are going to have no private time.

138
00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:51,648
I don't know if we should.

139
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,250
Now, came on and fuck a baby into me.

140
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:56,443
Okay, I will.

141
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:57,814
[HAROLD GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES]

142
00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:00,788
Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.

143
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:03,951
If it's a baby I gotta give you,
it's a baby you're gonna get.

144
00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:06,089
[DOORBELL RINGS]

145
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,420
BOTH:
Shit.

146
00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:11,432
Ga. Ga.

147
00:08:13,192 --> 00:08:14,170
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

148
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,837
Be cool.

149
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,505
Carlos, Merry Christmas.

150
00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:24,471
Hello, Harold.

151
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:27,714
You made the drive in record time.
Didn't speed, did you?

152
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,048
[GULPS]

153
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:33,113
Empanadas?

154
00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:35,553
Where's Maria?

155
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:36,523
HAROLD:
She's upstairs...

156
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,025
...getting ready.

157
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,458
Can I get you a beer?

158
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:40,825
What the hell is that?

159
00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:45,966
HAROLD:
She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.

160
00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:47,536
This is cur Christmas tree.

161
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:48,831
Is it fake?

162
00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:50,764
It's faux, actually.

163
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,500
You celebrating real Christmas...

164
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:54,303
...or a faux Christmas?

165
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:55,377
Real Christmas?

166
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,104
MARIA:
Daddy.

167
00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:57,579
Daddy!

168
00:08:58,070 --> 00:08:58,844
God.

169
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,006
MARIA:
I've missed you!

170
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:00,878
[MARIA GASPs]

171
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:02,547
And the whale family...

172
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,652
...is here.

173
00:09:03,809 --> 00:09:04,583
[MARIA SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

174
00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:05,918
Hi...

175
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:07,113
...everybody!

176
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,384
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

177
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:09,954
Oh, God.

178
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,891
Oh. I guess Timo...

179
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,054
...made parole.

180
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,894
Uh, not exactly.

181
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,627
Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!

182
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,100
[CHUCKLES]

183
00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:22,931
You take it.

184
00:09:23,095 --> 00:09:25,405
You people are real good
with those things.

185
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:28,874
HAROLD:
it's just the weekend.

186
00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:31,646
It's just the weekend.

187
00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:36,547
NARRATOR [ON TV]:
Has this ever happened to you?

188
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:37,949
This stupid waffle's stuck.

189
00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:39,746
[GRUNTING]

190
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:41,050
MOM:
Oh, my God! Billy!

191
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:42,420
- Heh-heh-heh.
MOM: George, call 911!

192
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,583
This is fucked up.

193
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:44,693
NARRATOR:
How about this?

194
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:46,489
[GIRL SCREAMS]

195
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:49,128
Well, it doesn't have to any more.

196
00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:51,427
Introducing WaffleBot.

197
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,627
BOTH:
WaffleBot!

198
00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:57,598
NARRATOR:
Just pop the top, let that batter drop...

199
00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,640
...and WaffleBot does the rest.

200
00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:01,602
Make every breakfast a Bot-fast.

201
00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:04,808
BOTH:
Thanks, WaffleBot!

202
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,779
WAFFLEBOT:
I love you.

203
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:07,974
NARRATOR:
Get the Christmas...

204
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,211
...toy of the season while they're hot.

205
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:11,984
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

206
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,819
KUMAR:
I'm busy, Adrian! Go away!

207
00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:17,527
VANESSA:
Kumar! it's Vanessa.

208
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:21,258
Hey. Locks like somebody missed me.

209
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,130
Come on in.

210
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,633
Since when do you have a beard?

211
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:28,738
I actually have not shaved since you left.
Pretty romantic.

212
00:10:28,894 --> 00:10:31,238
Kind of like Ryan Gosling
in The Notebook.

213
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,435
VANESSA:
When's the last time you cleaned?

214
00:10:33,599 --> 00:10:35,442
Like three months ago.

215
00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:36,671
Less romantic?

216
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:38,144
Little bit, yeah.

217
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,648
I'm sorry, where are my manners?
Here. Here.

218
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:41,546
Oh, no, no, no.

219
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:43,152
No, I shouldn't.

220
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,310
Of course you should.

221
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,184
Kumar, I really need to talk to you.

222
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:49,589
I'm pregnant.

223
00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:50,693
[COUGHS]

224
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:52,124
You're pregnant?

225
00:10:52,451 --> 00:10:53,521
We--

226
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:54,790
We practiced safe sex.

227
00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:55,796
[SCOFFS]

228
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:57,935
I mean, I pulled cut
and came on your back.

229
00:10:58,090 --> 00:10:59,364
A couple squeaks get by...

230
00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:01,471
...but is that all it takes?
- Yes.

231
00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:04,369
That's all. No wonder
you flunked out of med school.

232
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:07,067
I didn't flunk cut cf med school.
I failed a drug test.

233
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,370
How do I even know...

234
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:09,638
...that the baby's mine?

235
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:12,145
I haven't slept with anyone
since we broke up.

236
00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:13,848
Nice.

237
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,009
What do you want to do about it?

238
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,347
All right, um ...

239
00:11:18,911 --> 00:11:19,685
[CHUCKLING]

240
00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:28,257
This is the part
where the kid's tongue...

241
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:29,729
...gets stuck to a pale. Ha, ha.

242
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,196
Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry.

243
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:36,636
Um, are we having a conversation right now,
or are you watching A Christmas Story?

244
00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:38,400
Bath. No.

245
00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:40,942
- I mean--
- You know what? I knew you...

246
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,909
...couldn't handle this.
- I'm sorry.

247
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:44,173
I'm really high.

248
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,580
This is not about you being high.
This is about you being immature.

249
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,913
It's why I couldn't stay here any more.

250
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:52,214
You are perfectly fine
creating a mess...

251
00:11:52,745 --> 00:11:54,691
...but when it comes
to cleaning one up...

252
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:56,326
...you're MIA.

253
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:57,586
Give me a half hour...

254
00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:58,820
...to saber up.

255
00:11:59,185 --> 00:12:00,493
Fuck.

256
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,424
[CHATTERING]

257
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,371
Dad, you good?
You need a drink or--? No? Okay.

258
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:09,528
[M R. PEREZ GROWLS]

259
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:14,508
- Maria. I love you.
- Ha, ha.

260
00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:15,905
Glad your family's here.

261
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,138
I'm just wondering...

262
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:21,115
...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas
party with all these extra guests.

263
00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:23,275
We'll make it work.
We have plenty cf room.

264
00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:24,985
Okay.

265
00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:25,986
I'm sorry.

266
00:12:26,145 --> 00:12:27,624
I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.

267
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:28,986
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

268
00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:30,218
Harold.

269
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,158
Hey, speaking cf guests...

270
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,525
...are you sure you don't
wanna invite Kumar?

271
00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:38,333
Kumar? You kidding me?
I haven't seen that guy in years.

272
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:39,333
MARIA:
Kumar has been...

273
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:42,336
...your friend for a lang time.
- It is perfectly normal.

274
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,237
People lose half their friends
every seven years.

275
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:47,105
It's not like I don't have friends.

276
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,906
- Todd? Yeah, he's a Int cf fun.
- At least he doesn't...

277
00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:52,208
...create a disaster everywhere he goes.

278
00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:53,941
[IN SPANISH]

279
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,107
Ah, okay.

280
00:12:55,574 --> 00:12:57,815
[IN SPANISH]

281
00:12:57,977 --> 00:12:59,081
[ALL GASP]

282
00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:03,184
Rosetta Stone.

283
00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:05,328
A lifesaver.

284
00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:14,602
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

285
00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:16,766
KUMAR:
Be right there!

286
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:29,116
Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long.

287
00:13:32,711 --> 00:13:33,917
[GRUNTS]

288
00:13:34,079 --> 00:13:35,524
Maybe we can--

289
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:37,655
Are you sure we have to...

290
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,819
...throw it cut?
- This tree is a cancer.

291
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,363
We have to get rid cf it
before it kills Christmas.

292
00:13:42,621 --> 00:13:43,998
Very intense wording.

293
00:13:44,356 --> 00:13:46,358
[WHISTLES THEN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

294
00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:52,169
MARIA:
Wow! Oh, my God.

295
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,470
I can't believe you brought the tree.
Ha-ha-ha.

296
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,741
Am I missing something?

297
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,075
Every Christmas we use a tree
that Dad grew.

298
00:13:59,238 --> 00:14:01,149
- Oh.
MR. PEREZ: Twelve-fact Fraser fir.

299
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,545
Lock at the branch distribution.

300
00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:04,380
Oh, I see.

301
00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:05,647
Hey, hey!

302
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:07,617
She's very delicate.

303
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,056
I've been growing her for eight years.

304
00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:14,322
Eight years, wow. I never knew
Christmas trees were such a big deal.

305
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,723
Oh, God.

306
00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:18,163
Not a big deal?

307
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:20,497
Let me tell you a story, Harold.

308
00:14:20,659 --> 00:14:22,332
Growing up in Medellin...

309
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:25,965
...my family was too poor
to celebrate Christmas properly.

310
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:28,634
Every year I would pray to God:

311
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:33,250
"Please, let me wake up and find a big,
beautiful Christmas tree."

312
00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:34,884
And every Christmas...

313
00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:37,343
...I was heartbroken.

314
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:40,548
When my mother finally
moved me to America...

315
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,522
...she promised me we would have...

316
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,420
...a Christmas tree every Christmas
from then on.

317
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:50,761
But one week before that first Christmas,
while walking home from work...

318
00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:52,766
...she was violently attacked...

319
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,927
...by a gang cf Korean punks.

320
00:14:58,697 --> 00:14:59,698
[GRUNTS]

321
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,515
They stabbed her multiple times.
She bled to death.

322
00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:10,779
So I guess...

323
00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:14,618
...you could say, yes,
a Christmas tree is a big deal.

324
00:15:14,813 --> 00:15:15,951
Oh, my God.

325
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,863
-[WHISPERS] Why didn't you tell me?
-[MOUTHS] Pm sorry.

326
00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:22,227
Pepe! Where are the ornaments?

327
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:22,991
I don't know.

328
00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:24,429
My eyes are all fucked up.

329
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,628
You can't celebrate Christmas
with a naked tree! it's indecent!

330
00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:29,669
Maria, forget about midnight Mass.

331
00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:31,705
Tonight, we're decorating the tree.

332
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,242
Oh, Daddy, I wanted
to spend tonight in the city...

333
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,606
...with you guys.

334
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,906
Wait.

335
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:39,213
I get this.

336
00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:43,486
I'll take care cf the tree.
You have a family night in Manhattan.

337
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,446
No. No, no, no.

338
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,454
We brought the tree all the way dawn.

339
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,718
It has to lack perfect
on Christmas morning.

340
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:54,388
Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what
you want and I'll take care cf it.

341
00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:56,829
When you came back,
the tree will be decorated.

342
00:15:56,989 --> 00:16:00,300
This house, I promise you,
is gonna be perfect.

343
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,696
[MARIA CHUCKLES]

344
00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:12,879
ADRIAN: Oh, B-T-dub, the girl tonight?
Her name is Mary.

345
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:15,143
As in the Virgin Mary.
How great is that?

346
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,877
What did Vanessa do to suck...

347
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:18,487
...the life cut cf you...

348
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,622
...this afternoon?

349
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:23,856
I don't have anyone else to confide in.
I might as well tell you. Uh ...

350
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:25,527
Vanessa's pregnan--

351
00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:26,492
A queefer.

352
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,563
- What?
- I knew it.

353
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:32,225
I used to date this black chick,
she used to queef every time we had sex.

354
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:35,372
It was ridiculous.
I used to call her Queen Laqueefa.

355
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:38,174
When was the last time
you saw this guy?

356
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:40,239
- Two years ago.
- Sc...

357
00:16:40,399 --> 00:16:43,676
...why are we dropping off this package?
You said this guy was a chode.

358
00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:46,850
He is, all right? I just--
I don't want his shit in my place.

359
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,112
KUMAR:
Sure this is the right address?

360
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:56,282
Whoa. Locks like your ex-boyf's
moving up in the world. Heh.

361
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,257
I guess.

362
00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:01,091
I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna drop this off.

363
00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:20,214
[GRUNTS THEN GROANING]

364
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:22,713
Fuck!

365
00:17:28,313 --> 00:17:29,621
Kumar?

366
00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:32,828
Hello, Harold.

367
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:36,159
- Hey.
- Hey.

368
00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:38,301
- Hey.
- I was--

369
00:17:38,457 --> 00:17:40,698
- How are you? Good to see you.
-oh, hey.

370
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:43,128
- How you doing?
- Good to see you too. Good.

371
00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:47,641
You got a package that came for you
at the apartment. So I was dropping it off.

372
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,142
Oh. Okay, cool.

373
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,744
You lack terrific. You lose weight?

374
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:56,443
No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually.
This is a really nice house.

375
00:17:58,043 --> 00:17:59,579
No. You know.

376
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:03,384
Dc you want to came in for a drink...

377
00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:04,721
...or something?

378
00:18:04,883 --> 00:18:05,987
Um ...

379
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,562
[ON RADIO]
Christmas, Christmas

380
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:10,756
Dc you not have time?

381
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:11,924
- Oh.
- Oh.

382
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:16,500
- Came in, came in. Come in. Come on.
- Sure.

383
00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:19,171
Watch your step, it's icy there.

384
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:22,774
Eggnog? Empanadas?

385
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,472
Uh ... Sure. Yeah.

386
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:28,675
Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.

387
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,878
Oh. Thank you. Yeah.

388
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:35,253
Bay window is brand-new, actually.
We just put that in last week.

389
00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,917
The sconces are new.
Sconces are actually brand-new.

390
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:43,426
Yeah, I was gonna say, it lacks like
you guys get some awesome sconces.

391
00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:45,730
Thank you. That's very sweet cf you.

392
00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:48,201
So, what's up with this package?

393
00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:51,474
HAROLD:
My name and your address. That's weird.

394
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,303
I haven't lived there for so long.

395
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,035
I know. That's strange.

396
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,008
HAROLD:
Whoa.

397
00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:03,818
Ooh.

398
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:06,913
HAROLD:
What the hell is this?

399
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:09,116
That's a gigantic joint.
What do you think?

400
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:10,523
HAROLD:
IS this a joke?

401
00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:12,754
- No. I swear.
- Did you do this?

402
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:14,795
Had I known, I would have smoked it.

403
00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:16,595
Is there a--?

404
00:19:17,422 --> 00:19:18,298
No return address.

405
00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:21,631
I don't even see any stamps on this.

406
00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:23,467
What are you doing?

407
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:24,403
Getting not low.

408
00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:25,940
No smoking in this house.

409
00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:28,339
What? What douche came up
with that rule?

410
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,303
HAROLD:
This douche did.

411
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:38,914
That was good shit.

412
00:19:39,144 --> 00:19:40,817
HAROLD:
I don't care, okay?

413
00:19:40,979 --> 00:19:42,185
I don't smoke any more.

414
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,826
- What?
- I just felt...

415
00:19:43,982 --> 00:19:45,893
...that a Int cf times when I get high...

416
00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:48,190
...things would go really wrong. Sc...

417
00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:51,357
But, Harold, weed is so good.

418
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:52,831
It gets you high.

419
00:19:52,991 --> 00:19:54,561
I get nothing against weed, okay?

420
00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:57,332
Had plenty of fun times with weed.
But I'm an adult now.

421
00:19:57,496 --> 00:20:00,477
And frankly, I'm kind cf glad that
the craziness is behind me.

422
00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:02,703
Dc you smell something burning?

423
00:20:04,102 --> 00:20:05,137
BOTH:
Oh, Shit!

424
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,872
KUMAR: Oh, Shit.
- Shit.

425
00:20:07,105 --> 00:20:08,311
Shit!

426
00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:10,653
It's spreading. it's spreading!

427
00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:12,117
Here.

428
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,279
Bah, bah, bah!
Not the throw pillows!

429
00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:15,584
Seriously?

430
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,719
I did it anyway!

431
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,159
HAROLD:
What the fuck?!

432
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:28,066
Shit!

433
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,399
HAROLD:
Maria's dad will kill me!

434
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:30,369
Stop yelling!

435
00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:32,475
We gotta get rid cf this tree!

436
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:34,200
Okay.

437
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,422
That's why you gotta buy those
faux trees. They last forever.

438
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,254
[PANTING]

439
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:53,758
Calm dawn.
It's just a Christmas tree.

440
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,023
"Just a Christmas tree"?

441
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:57,389
Maria's dad grew that tree...

442
00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,001
...and new it is dead.

443
00:20:59,157 --> 00:21:02,468
Koreans have killed his mother,
and new this tree. Christmas is ruined.

444
00:21:02,628 --> 00:21:03,868
Christmas isn't ruined.

445
00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:05,906
Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas.

446
00:21:06,064 --> 00:21:08,635
They're gonna came home from Mass
and expect to see...

447
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,337
...a decorated tree,
but they are gonna see that.

448
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:14,408
Dude, you're overreacting.
There's plenty cf tree lots.

449
00:21:14,573 --> 00:21:16,951
We'll drive around
till we find the right tree.

450
00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:18,450
We're not gonna do anything.

451
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,416
You know what? Um, this is my fault.

452
00:21:22,581 --> 00:21:24,822
I take full responsibility.
Please leave.

453
00:21:24,983 --> 00:21:27,122
I will take care cf this. Thank you.

454
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,163
- I don't mind helping cut--
- I get it.

455
00:21:29,688 --> 00:21:30,928
- We have a van--
- I get it.

456
00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:34,697
Okay. You get it.

457
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:37,306
- You need anything, just give me--
- Merry Christmas.

458
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:42,071
Merry Christmas, Harold.

459
00:21:46,538 --> 00:21:47,846
What the fuck tack so long?

460
00:21:48,006 --> 00:21:49,542
Nothing. Let's just go.

461
00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:53,212
You never told me Harold was Asian.
I always pictured an old white guy.

462
00:21:59,117 --> 00:22:01,893
TODD: Freeze! This is a robbery.
Give me all your friendship.

463
00:22:02,054 --> 00:22:03,499
Oh, wow, lack at that.

464
00:22:03,689 --> 00:22:05,794
You know, it's kind cf better
than a window.

465
00:22:05,958 --> 00:22:07,960
It's like a stained-glass
window cf paper.

466
00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:09,298
Any luck with the tree?

467
00:22:09,461 --> 00:22:11,737
- Oh, you brought Ava.
- Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava.

468
00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:13,604
Il's "3D."

469
00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:14,300
Hmm?

470
00:22:14,466 --> 00:22:15,467
Daddy-Daughter Day.

471
00:22:15,634 --> 00:22:17,636
You can't back cut
cf Daddy-Daughter Day...

472
00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:20,409
...because Emma says that
leads to abandonment issues...

473
00:22:20,572 --> 00:22:23,075
...and then stripping and meth
and biker boyfriend.

474
00:22:23,241 --> 00:22:24,413
- All had things.
- Ah.

475
00:22:24,576 --> 00:22:26,647
- The tree, though.
- Yes, so I called--

476
00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:27,654
[BABY CRYING]

477
00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:29,724
Oh, here it goes. Here it goes.

478
00:22:30,382 --> 00:22:32,225
[SINGING]
The itsy bitsy spider

479
00:22:32,384 --> 00:22:33,590
Crawled up the water spout

480
00:22:33,752 --> 00:22:35,163
They say that singing is...

481
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,425
...the best way to communicate
with a child.

482
00:22:37,589 --> 00:22:38,897
I guess I haven't found...

483
00:22:39,057 --> 00:22:40,593
...the right song for her yet.

484
00:22:40,759 --> 00:22:42,636
that's too bad. Uh, the tree?

485
00:22:42,794 --> 00:22:44,865
The tree. Right. Sc I called them.

486
00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:46,441
They had one 12-fact fir left.

487
00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:48,936
- And I reserved it.
- You get it?

488
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:51,945
- Yeah.
- Yes! You should have led off with that.

489
00:22:52,104 --> 00:22:53,811
I know. I don't know why I didn't.

490
00:22:53,972 --> 00:22:55,781
- Okay, good. Let's go.
-Whoo!

491
00:22:55,941 --> 00:22:56,885
You know.

492
00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:58,282
Okay. Next time.

493
00:23:03,482 --> 00:23:04,688
Now, before this party...

494
00:23:04,850 --> 00:23:07,490
...we get to talk about your game.
- Aw, dude, turn in there!

495
00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:09,658
Really? A tree farm?

496
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:15,136
"Best selection"...

497
00:23:15,293 --> 00:23:15,964
...my ass.

498
00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:18,335
It's Christmas Eve, okay?
What do you expect?

499
00:23:18,497 --> 00:23:19,703
KUMAR:
If I was a tree farmer...

500
00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:22,573
...I'd be embarrassed.
These trees are ghetto.

501
00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:23,872
What the fuck that mean?

502
00:23:24,269 --> 00:23:25,304
[LATRELL CHUCKLES]

503
00:23:25,470 --> 00:23:27,916
He's just playing.
How you doing? I'm Latrell.

504
00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:29,648
Hello. Kumar.

505
00:23:29,808 --> 00:23:31,446
This is my partner in crime, Lamar.

506
00:23:31,610 --> 00:23:33,419
- So you two own this tree lot?
LAMAR: What?

507
00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:37,253
A couple of brothers can't sell trees?
Only swing from them like monkeys?

508
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,761
What? No! Of course not.
You could do both.

509
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,421
- What?
- What?

510
00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:44,589
My boy here gets cagey
during the holidays.

511
00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:46,702
- You know?
- Word. Word.

512
00:23:47,325 --> 00:23:50,363
If you're looking for trees,
you should know we do custom work.

513
00:23:50,529 --> 00:23:53,442
- Ooh. How much is that?
LATRELL: That tree? Sorry.

514
00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:54,906
Just get reserved.

515
00:23:55,067 --> 00:23:56,910
I really need it. I'll pay double.

516
00:23:57,069 --> 00:23:58,446
LAMAR:
Oh, I got you now.

517
00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:01,015
You think you can buy
the black man's soul.

518
00:24:01,173 --> 00:24:03,210
Like we some Wayne Brady-ass
niggers, right?

519
00:24:03,542 --> 00:24:04,213
Triple.

520
00:24:04,576 --> 00:24:05,919
I'll get the rape.

521
00:24:06,078 --> 00:24:10,527
Eh, can we drop this tree off at Sulu's
and head to the city?

522
00:24:10,682 --> 00:24:13,026
KUMAR:
Just hold on a second, all right?

523
00:24:13,185 --> 00:24:14,459
I see what you're doing.

524
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:15,927
Forget about her.

525
00:24:16,088 --> 00:24:17,396
- Think about me.
- All right.

526
00:24:17,556 --> 00:24:21,026
Hold on. We'll drop the tree off
and then we'll go get you your virgin.

527
00:24:21,526 --> 00:24:22,630
Yeah.

528
00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:26,938
We get another customer.

529
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:30,411
Can I play angry black guy this time?

530
00:24:30,569 --> 00:24:32,276
Aw, came on. You just played it.

531
00:24:32,437 --> 00:24:33,780
And I get triple the money.

532
00:24:33,939 --> 00:24:35,816
Come on, please? Come on!

533
00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:36,975
TODD [SINGING]:
Three French hens

534
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:38,246
HAROLD:
Would you stop?

535
00:24:38,410 --> 00:24:39,388
TODD:
I wish I could stop

536
00:24:39,544 --> 00:24:40,784
Sorry, I'm trying my best

537
00:24:40,946 --> 00:24:42,050
Hi. You guys in charge?

538
00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:47,091
Yeah. What the fuck is it to you,
motherfucker?

539
00:24:47,252 --> 00:24:48,424
Gat's coming out

540
00:24:48,587 --> 00:24:49,964
That was so good. Ha, ha.

541
00:24:50,122 --> 00:24:52,500
We're just here to pick up a tree
that we reserved.

542
00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:53,795
- We called.
LATRELL: Oh, yeah?

543
00:24:53,959 --> 00:24:56,565
We just sold your little
punk-ass tree, bitch!

544
00:24:56,728 --> 00:24:57,672
HAROLD:
What? You sold it?

545
00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:58,432
Tc who?

546
00:24:58,597 --> 00:25:00,406
Those white bays over there.

547
00:25:02,801 --> 00:25:03,905
Fuck!

548
00:25:04,069 --> 00:25:04,809
Hey.

549
00:25:05,036 --> 00:25:06,310
TODD:
Aah! Where are we going?

550
00:25:06,738 --> 00:25:09,514
HAROLD: Maybe if we catch up to them,
they'll sell the tree to us.

551
00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:10,516
TODD:
Good idea!

552
00:25:12,577 --> 00:25:13,180
LATRELL:
I'm sorry.

553
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,325
- You Inst your gangsta grill.
- I know.

554
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,790
- How you gonna be a gangsta?
- I'm not one.

555
00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:20,759
- I gotta wear those tomorrow.
- I know.

556
00:25:21,052 --> 00:25:23,259
- You know I love you, right?
- I think you do.

557
00:25:23,421 --> 00:25:25,662
- I don't know why, but I love you.
- Thank you.

558
00:25:25,824 --> 00:25:28,202
TODD:
Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down...

559
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,237
...because we get precious cargo...

560
00:25:30,395 --> 00:25:32,375
...and it is very icy cut there.

561
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,478
- What? I don't see any ice.
- You've never heard cf black ice?

562
00:25:35,634 --> 00:25:38,672
It's like the worst ice there is.
Black ice, it's everywhere.

563
00:25:38,837 --> 00:25:40,976
Relax. I can feel the road.
It's not that bad.

564
00:25:42,674 --> 00:25:43,846
Yo, slow down, man.

565
00:25:44,009 --> 00:25:47,115
- You're going a little fast.
- I gotta get to this party ASAP.

566
00:25:47,279 --> 00:25:49,691
Pussy's not like yogurt.
It has an expiration date.

567
00:25:49,848 --> 00:25:51,452
Yogurt has an expiration date.

568
00:25:51,616 --> 00:25:54,460
Does it? Damn it. Okay.
That explains a lot.

569
00:25:54,619 --> 00:25:56,292
It was really sour.

570
00:25:56,454 --> 00:25:58,491
But yogurt is sour,
so haw was I to know?

571
00:25:59,124 --> 00:26:00,967
Are you really hat? I'm, like, hot...

572
00:26:01,126 --> 00:26:02,366
...but I'm cold-- Hello?

573
00:26:02,527 --> 00:26:03,870
You're not lacking at me.

574
00:26:04,029 --> 00:26:06,100
I should lack at the road
and you lack at me.

575
00:26:06,264 --> 00:26:07,436
-It's opposite.
- Watch cut!

576
00:26:07,699 --> 00:26:08,734
ADRIAN:
Ow, cw.

577
00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:09,742
[BOTH SCREAMING]

578
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:12,514
Holy shit!

579
00:26:12,671 --> 00:26:13,308
TODD:
Black ice!

580
00:26:13,471 --> 00:26:14,541
Black ice! it's real!

581
00:26:15,006 --> 00:26:16,314
ADRIAN:
oh, sum

582
00:26:16,508 --> 00:26:17,953
Oh, my God!

583
00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:19,744
Don't just scream!

584
00:26:19,945 --> 00:26:21,049
You're just screaming!

585
00:26:21,213 --> 00:26:22,157
That's not helpful!

586
00:26:24,149 --> 00:26:25,059
Oh, sum

587
00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:35,069
Holy shit!

588
00:26:35,227 --> 00:26:36,205
Oh, Harry, stop!

589
00:26:36,928 --> 00:26:39,841
ADRIAN:
Aw ... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp.

590
00:26:43,868 --> 00:26:44,869
Oh, my ass.

591
00:26:45,036 --> 00:26:49,007
I am so going to tweet about that.
Heh-heh-heh.

592
00:26:49,174 --> 00:26:51,211
You guys all right?
How are you alive?

593
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:52,550
Harold?

594
00:26:52,978 --> 00:26:54,013
Kumar?

595
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:56,623
That was you at the tree farm?
You tack my tree?

596
00:26:57,482 --> 00:26:59,689
- Sc you killed two trees in one night.
KUMAR: Hold on.

597
00:26:59,851 --> 00:27:01,762
That is a perfectly salvageable tree.

598
00:27:02,587 --> 00:27:03,691
[YELLS]

599
00:27:04,889 --> 00:27:07,199
That was a perfectly salvageable tree.

600
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:11,398
That was the only 12-fact Fraser fir
left in the fucking state.

601
00:27:11,563 --> 00:27:12,303
Fuck your tree!

602
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:13,534
What about my car?

603
00:27:13,698 --> 00:27:14,904
I get a virgin to fuck!

604
00:27:15,066 --> 00:27:16,511
Who is this? Who is Glasses?

605
00:27:16,668 --> 00:27:18,579
Heh. Nice, Harry.

606
00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,378
- This is my friend, Adrian.
HAROLD: Oh.

607
00:27:21,773 --> 00:27:22,774
He's young.

608
00:27:22,941 --> 00:27:24,477
- Thank you.
- Don't respond to him.

609
00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:26,122
TODD:
Why the H...

610
00:27:26,278 --> 00:27:27,882
...did you F-wads...

611
00:27:28,046 --> 00:27:32,085
...take the tree that we had
specifically called and reserved?

612
00:27:32,250 --> 00:27:33,422
Who is this toolbox?

613
00:27:33,585 --> 00:27:35,565
This is my friend, Todd.

614
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,757
Oh, yeah? What kind cf friend?
Best friend?

615
00:27:37,922 --> 00:27:41,062
- I wouldn't say best" Yes.
- Yeah. Yep. Besties.

616
00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:42,896
That's awesome.

617
00:27:43,061 --> 00:27:44,165
Buddy.

618
00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:45,535
Homey.

619
00:27:46,097 --> 00:27:47,337
This was fun. But I got...

620
00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:48,910
...a hat date in the city.

621
00:27:49,067 --> 00:27:50,239
You have to take me.

622
00:27:50,402 --> 00:27:51,403
What? No.

623
00:27:51,569 --> 00:27:54,516
- We're not taking you anywhere.
- Not going through any tunnels.

624
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:57,313
Dude, you are not depriving me cf this:

625
00:27:57,475 --> 00:28:00,752
Hey, Adrian.
I can't wait to finally meet you.

626
00:28:00,912 --> 00:28:03,483
I'm going to rock your world.

627
00:28:04,549 --> 00:28:05,323
I promise...

628
00:28:05,483 --> 00:28:07,053
...it will be worth the wait.

629
00:28:10,121 --> 00:28:11,429
Wait, lack at this fir.

630
00:28:11,589 --> 00:28:13,500
I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved.

631
00:28:13,658 --> 00:28:14,932
Shut up. The tree.

632
00:28:15,093 --> 00:28:16,538
It's like Maria's dad's tree.

633
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,936
-It's magnificent.
ADRIAN: I'll make you a deal.

634
00:28:19,097 --> 00:28:21,202
Take me to the party,
I get you that tree.

635
00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:22,811
No. it's already very late.

636
00:28:22,967 --> 00:28:24,207
Shut the fuck up, Todd!

637
00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:25,814
This doesn't concern you!

638
00:28:25,970 --> 00:28:27,972
- Easy.
- He can not-- He is not allow--

639
00:28:28,139 --> 00:28:29,846
HAROLD:
Hey. Calm dawn. Calm dawn.

640
00:28:30,008 --> 00:28:32,989
I'm running cut cf time.
I gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m.

641
00:28:33,144 --> 00:28:35,055
Work with me. Listen.

642
00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:36,521
I'm not driving for nothing.

643
00:28:36,681 --> 00:28:38,786
Make sure we can get the tree,
you get a deal.

644
00:28:38,950 --> 00:28:39,621
Done.

645
00:28:40,785 --> 00:28:41,525
Hey, douche?

646
00:28:41,686 --> 00:28:42,255
Yeah?

647
00:28:42,420 --> 00:28:42,955
Shotgun.

648
00:28:43,121 --> 00:28:43,861
Oh.

649
00:28:44,155 --> 00:28:45,327
Scr--

650
00:28:45,490 --> 00:28:46,969
S you. S you.

651
00:28:49,327 --> 00:28:50,328
--Sn?

652
00:28:50,495 --> 00:28:51,997
-"S you"?
-"Screw you. "

653
00:28:52,163 --> 00:28:53,608
- Oh, right.
TODD: Screw you!

654
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,807
"Harry"? Gotta be kidding me.

655
00:28:59,871 --> 00:29:00,781
The tree is removable?

656
00:29:00,939 --> 00:29:02,885
OPERATOR:
Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

657
00:29:03,041 --> 00:29:05,783
- Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good.
- Pf ease hang up--

658
00:29:05,944 --> 00:29:06,922
We can have the tree?

659
00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:08,079
She said it?

660
00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:09,350
She said that, yes.

661
00:29:09,714 --> 00:29:11,716
- Great. Let's go.
- Okay.

662
00:29:13,985 --> 00:29:17,057
What is he doing? What is he doing?

663
00:29:17,722 --> 00:29:18,632
What are you doing?

664
00:29:19,124 --> 00:29:19,898
What?

665
00:29:20,058 --> 00:29:21,332
My daughters in there!

666
00:29:21,493 --> 00:29:22,062
What?

667
00:29:22,227 --> 00:29:24,537
- Oh, shit!
HAROLD: What the fuck, Kumar?

668
00:29:24,696 --> 00:29:25,731
I didn't see her.

669
00:29:25,897 --> 00:29:27,103
You get my baby high!

670
00:29:27,265 --> 00:29:29,074
HAROLD:
You get his baby high.

671
00:29:29,234 --> 00:29:30,406
Hold on a second.

672
00:29:30,568 --> 00:29:34,038
Nobody gets high the first time they
smoke weed. Don't you know anything?

673
00:29:34,205 --> 00:29:35,411
[GIGGLING]

674
00:29:35,740 --> 00:29:36,912
TODD:
Okay, great.

675
00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:38,952
Now she has the giggles.

676
00:29:39,244 --> 00:29:40,985
- Sorry.
TODD: If Emma finds cut...

677
00:29:41,146 --> 00:29:42,181
...we won't be able...

678
00:29:42,347 --> 00:29:43,587
...to came to the party.

679
00:29:43,915 --> 00:29:44,655
What party?

680
00:29:45,216 --> 00:29:46,593
Oh, it's just a work...

681
00:29:46,751 --> 00:29:47,729
...Christmas party...

682
00:29:47,886 --> 00:29:49,092
...kind cf thing.

683
00:29:49,254 --> 00:29:49,857
Right, Todd?

684
00:29:50,021 --> 00:29:51,500
Yeah. it's gonna be...

685
00:29:51,656 --> 00:29:52,691
...classic.

686
00:29:52,857 --> 00:29:53,528
[YELLING]

687
00:29:53,691 --> 00:29:55,967
Okay, great. Now she's having a had trip.

688
00:29:56,161 --> 00:29:57,299
HAROLD:
Try singing again.

689
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:58,702
It never works.

690
00:29:58,863 --> 00:30:00,399
- Hey. Hey.
HAROLD: What are you doing?

691
00:30:01,733 --> 00:30:02,404
Hey.

692
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,545
[RAPPING]
If you want beef] then bring the ruckus

693
00:30:05,170 --> 00:30:06,148
Wu- Tang Clan ain't

694
00:30:06,304 --> 00:30:07,374
Nothin' to fuck with

695
00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:08,483
Straight from

696
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,381
The motherfucking slums that's busted

697
00:30:10,542 --> 00:30:12,078
Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with

698
00:30:12,243 --> 00:30:13,051
Ahh.

699
00:30:15,113 --> 00:30:16,820
Dude, you baby-whispered her.

700
00:30:17,248 --> 00:30:18,818
TODD:
I do not care for the language...

701
00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,326
...but that was impressive.

702
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:21,623
What singing group...

703
00:30:21,786 --> 00:30:23,265
...is that?
- The Wu-Tang Clan.

704
00:30:23,421 --> 00:30:25,332
The Gu-Ga-- The Wu-Gang Band?

705
00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,163
Wu-Tang Clan, Todd.

706
00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:27,962
TODD:
Harry.

707
00:30:28,126 --> 00:30:30,606
When did you turn into
Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert?

708
00:30:30,762 --> 00:30:32,241
KUMAR:
There's a Int you don't know...

709
00:30:32,397 --> 00:30:33,205
...about Harry, huh?

710
00:30:33,431 --> 00:30:34,569
TODD:
Excuse me?

711
00:30:34,732 --> 00:30:36,575
- Was that directed to me?
KUMAR: Yeah, douche.

712
00:30:36,734 --> 00:30:38,145
Okay. Taken.

713
00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,450
I get the munchies.

714
00:30:41,606 --> 00:30:42,550
TODD:
Now we have to...

715
00:30:42,707 --> 00:30:44,983
...stop and get some
disgusting food for her.

716
00:30:45,143 --> 00:30:48,022
Sc she can came down
from her trip. Fantastic.

717
00:31:09,167 --> 00:31:12,842
Oh, by the way, if anybody asks,
I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.

718
00:31:13,004 --> 00:31:14,005
- What?
- What?

719
00:31:14,172 --> 00:31:17,210
It's just this lie I sort cf get caught in.

720
00:31:17,375 --> 00:31:19,855
Also, I told her you work
for the White House.

721
00:31:20,011 --> 00:31:21,615
Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.

722
00:31:21,779 --> 00:31:22,587
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

723
00:31:22,747 --> 00:31:23,555
[CHATTERING]

724
00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:24,853
[BIG BOI'S "DADDY FAT SAX"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

725
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:28,030
If is I, [he B-I-G, [he B-O-I

726
00:31:28,186 --> 00:31:30,223
TODD:
Well, I spy with my little eye...

727
00:31:30,388 --> 00:31:33,301
...three felonies that I can see
in this room right now.

728
00:31:33,458 --> 00:31:34,300
Four.

729
00:31:34,826 --> 00:31:37,534
That's it. That's cur tree. it's perfect.

730
00:31:37,829 --> 00:31:39,502
-It's better than the photograph.
- Ha, ha.

731
00:31:39,664 --> 00:31:40,665
HAROLD:
it's perfect.

732
00:31:40,832 --> 00:31:41,435
Hey, Glasses.

733
00:31:41,599 --> 00:31:44,705
- Find the girl, get the tree. Come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

734
00:31:46,170 --> 00:31:47,478
Yo, yo, yo!

735
00:31:47,805 --> 00:31:49,910
What it is, pimp, player...

736
00:31:50,074 --> 00:31:50,882
...etcetera?

737
00:31:51,042 --> 00:31:53,454
- What's up? Where's Mary?
TEEN: I don't know...

738
00:31:53,611 --> 00:31:56,387
...dude, but if I was you,
I would steer clear.

739
00:31:56,548 --> 00:31:58,528
Does she have a tail
or something? What?

740
00:31:58,683 --> 00:32:01,960
Don't listen to these guys.
It takes balls to do what you're doing.

741
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:03,121
You're freaking me cut.

742
00:32:03,288 --> 00:32:04,892
- What is wrong with her?
TEENS: Ha-ha-ha.

743
00:32:05,056 --> 00:32:06,660
MARY:
Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?

744
00:32:24,576 --> 00:32:26,180
Wow, you lack just like...

745
00:32:26,344 --> 00:32:27,379
...your profile pic.

746
00:32:27,545 --> 00:32:29,047
You lack better. Hi.

747
00:32:29,213 --> 00:32:31,557
You're hot, girl.

748
00:32:31,716 --> 00:32:32,888
Thank you.

749
00:32:33,718 --> 00:32:36,858
So do you, like, want to see my room?

750
00:32:37,021 --> 00:32:38,557
Hey, hey. What about the tree?

751
00:32:38,723 --> 00:32:39,599
I'll get it.

752
00:32:39,757 --> 00:32:42,738
Just give me a minute,
all right, man? Probably less. Heh.

753
00:32:42,894 --> 00:32:44,100
But hopefully more. Heh.

754
00:32:44,262 --> 00:32:45,570
[WHISPERS]
Probably less.

755
00:32:45,730 --> 00:32:46,936
You awe me a tree, punk.

756
00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:49,240
[BABY FARTS AND GIGGLES]

757
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:51,311
Ugh. Ugh.

758
00:32:51,469 --> 00:32:53,972
Oh, great. Great. This is just great.

759
00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:56,744
- I've get to find a place to change a diaper.
-oh, God.

760
00:32:56,908 --> 00:33:00,617
Unless, cf course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams
would like to help with some poopy?

761
00:33:00,778 --> 00:33:01,779
Wu-Tang, dude.

762
00:33:01,946 --> 00:33:02,754
Woo-hoo.

763
00:33:04,048 --> 00:33:06,085
Your little friend better get me a tree.

764
00:33:06,451 --> 00:33:08,226
I'm sorry about him, dude. I--

765
00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:11,796
BORIS:
Hey, grandpa!

766
00:33:11,956 --> 00:33:13,663
- Toss it back.
KUMAR: Wm: you calling...

767
00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:15,930
...grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30.

768
00:33:16,094 --> 00:33:17,801
Wanna start? I'll kick your ass...

769
00:33:17,962 --> 00:33:18,963
...right now.

770
00:33:19,130 --> 00:33:20,234
Karate Kid style.

771
00:33:20,398 --> 00:33:21,035
KUMAR:
Really?

772
00:33:21,199 --> 00:33:23,008
Which Karate Kid are you referring to?

773
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:27,343
There's only one Karate Kid and it stars
Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith.

774
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:28,506
What?

775
00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:30,243
Generation Z, here's your ball.

776
00:33:31,609 --> 00:33:34,852
Who invited these fucking losers?

777
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:36,856
Listen, we're friends cf Mary, okay?

778
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,825
She promised us we could have that tree.
Okay? Thank you.

779
00:33:39,984 --> 00:33:40,792
What?

780
00:33:40,952 --> 00:33:42,761
Fuck that! I don't care...

781
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:45,799
...what my sister said.
I'm not letting you take cur tree.

782
00:33:45,957 --> 00:33:47,800
Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain.

783
00:33:47,959 --> 00:33:49,097
HAROLD:
Come on.

784
00:33:49,260 --> 00:33:51,831
We're here to pick up the tree,
then we're cut cf here.

785
00:33:51,996 --> 00:33:53,270
It's a bit cf an emergency.

786
00:33:53,431 --> 00:33:55,536
Tell you what, we'll play you for it.

787
00:33:55,933 --> 00:33:56,775
If you beat us...

788
00:33:56,934 --> 00:33:58,038
...you get the tree.

789
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:02,446
If we beat you, we kick your asses out and
take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha.

790
00:34:02,607 --> 00:34:05,213
I'm sorry, do you want us
to play you in beer pang?

791
00:34:05,410 --> 00:34:07,981
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys
haven't heard cf it before.

792
00:34:08,146 --> 00:34:08,920
KUMAR:
Oh, no, no.

793
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:10,616
We've heard cf it, dude. Yeah.

794
00:34:10,782 --> 00:34:13,285
Except, see, in cur day,
it was called Beirut.

795
00:34:13,451 --> 00:34:15,362
And we didn't have the rollback rule...

796
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:16,999
...like you pussies have today.

797
00:34:17,155 --> 00:34:21,535
I remember the day they announced the rule.
Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it.

798
00:34:21,993 --> 00:34:23,768
You remind me a Int cf that guy...

799
00:34:23,928 --> 00:34:25,498
...except you're shorter.

800
00:34:25,663 --> 00:34:27,006
And he had pubes.

801
00:34:27,265 --> 00:34:28,539
Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

802
00:34:29,434 --> 00:34:30,538
All my other friends...

803
00:34:30,702 --> 00:34:32,477
...Inst their virginity in 7th grade.

804
00:34:32,637 --> 00:34:34,139
I can't believe it's happening.

805
00:34:34,305 --> 00:34:37,684
What's the deal? Why isn't everybody
at school trying to sleep with you?

806
00:34:37,842 --> 00:34:40,482
Are you kidding? No guy at school
will even touch me.

807
00:34:40,878 --> 00:34:41,754
Why won't they?

808
00:34:42,113 --> 00:34:43,592
Probably because they're scared.

809
00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:45,489
Well, I don't get scared.

810
00:34:45,650 --> 00:34:47,823
Scared cf--
What are they scared cf, though?

811
00:34:47,985 --> 00:34:49,521
Hey! Enough talk.

812
00:34:53,157 --> 00:34:53,931
Gonna hit this?

813
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,867
Yes. I Will. Hit it.

814
00:34:57,562 --> 00:35:00,042
Aah. it's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh.

815
00:35:00,198 --> 00:35:02,178
- What?
- Never mind. Heh.

816
00:35:02,333 --> 00:35:04,370
Forget it. Heh.

817
00:35:06,471 --> 00:35:09,418
Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed.
Daddy is gonna get you--

818
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,776
Aah! Okay, I need this room...

819
00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:15,152
...for a serious diaper situation.
So I will ask you to stop...

820
00:35:15,313 --> 00:35:18,055
...doing that.
- Smush that pussy! Unh!

821
00:35:18,249 --> 00:35:18,954
Smush my pussy!

822
00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:19,891
GUY:
I'm coming!

823
00:35:20,051 --> 00:35:21,689
- Oh, my God.
GUY: Oh, I'm coming!

824
00:35:22,053 --> 00:35:23,999
Baby, blow me.

825
00:35:25,757 --> 00:35:26,633
Ugh.

826
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:30,470
[HAROLD GRUNTS]

827
00:35:30,828 --> 00:35:32,432
A boom batta, these pockets...

828
00:35:32,597 --> 00:35:33,541
...getting fatter.

829
00:35:33,698 --> 00:35:34,335
You guys...

830
00:35:34,499 --> 00:35:35,807
...got nothing on me.

831
00:35:36,601 --> 00:35:38,911
Dude, I need this tree.

832
00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:40,513
I know.

833
00:35:40,671 --> 00:35:43,311
- We hit this, we win.
BORIS: No matter. There's no way...

834
00:35:43,474 --> 00:35:45,886
...you sinking this ball.
Not in my house.

835
00:35:46,043 --> 00:35:48,080
Shut this motherfucker up,
would you?

836
00:35:53,618 --> 00:35:54,722
- Time.
- What?

837
00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:58,896
Show him the old "Roldy Roll."

838
00:35:59,056 --> 00:36:01,502
It's too risky.
I haven't done that in forever.

839
00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:04,230
No, dude, came on. You get this. Feel it.

840
00:36:12,470 --> 00:36:13,972
[WHISPERS]
Hello, old friend.

841
00:36:16,140 --> 00:36:16,914
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Clear.

842
00:36:36,828 --> 00:36:37,772
[CROWD CHEERING]

843
00:36:38,863 --> 00:36:40,035
We won!

844
00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:41,768
Who are those guys?

845
00:36:41,933 --> 00:36:44,812
I don't know,
but they're fucking studs.

846
00:36:48,539 --> 00:36:49,609
[ADRIAN MOANS]

847
00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:54,614
I know this is your first time,
so I'm gonna be extra gentle.

848
00:36:58,916 --> 00:36:59,656
Who's that?

849
00:37:00,151 --> 00:37:01,562
Oh, that's just my dad.

850
00:37:03,287 --> 00:37:04,357
Why does he lock...

851
00:37:04,522 --> 00:37:05,557
...so familiar?

852
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,405
[GROANING]

853
00:37:23,541 --> 00:37:24,679
[LAUGHING]

854
00:37:30,014 --> 00:37:31,618
[GRUNTING]

855
00:37:42,827 --> 00:37:46,001
That's not good. No.

856
00:37:46,163 --> 00:37:48,165
Hey, are we gonna do this or what?

857
00:37:48,332 --> 00:37:50,505
Yeah, we are, but your dad
is Sergei Katsov? Heh.

858
00:37:51,035 --> 00:37:53,572
Not again. Oh, my God.
This happens every goddamn time.

859
00:37:53,738 --> 00:37:54,580
No, no, no.

860
00:37:54,739 --> 00:37:55,683
Give your dick.

861
00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:57,478
Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.

862
00:37:57,642 --> 00:37:58,518
Wait, I almost get it.

863
00:37:58,676 --> 00:38:01,179
It really hurts.
You're digging your nails into it! Aah!

864
00:38:02,380 --> 00:38:03,723
Are you going soft on me?

865
00:38:03,881 --> 00:38:04,757
Uh-uh.

866
00:38:04,916 --> 00:38:06,395
You better not go soft on me!

867
00:38:06,550 --> 00:38:08,052
I'm not, it's just hard.

868
00:38:08,219 --> 00:38:09,698
Aah! And it really, really hurts.

869
00:38:09,854 --> 00:38:11,765
Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah!

870
00:38:12,223 --> 00:38:13,258
Sc haw do we do this?

871
00:38:13,858 --> 00:38:16,134
KUMAR: There's gotta be
a freight elevator or something.

872
00:38:16,327 --> 00:38:19,171
- We take the ornaments off, or...?
-We could.

873
00:38:19,330 --> 00:38:23,472
Hey, guys. I just wanted to say
that was an epic match.

874
00:38:23,701 --> 00:38:25,374
- Good win.
- Thanks, kid.

875
00:38:25,536 --> 00:38:27,106
I'm sorry I was such a dick...

876
00:38:27,271 --> 00:38:29,751
...to you guys.
I thought you were old assholes.

877
00:38:30,574 --> 00:38:31,552
But real talk...

878
00:38:31,709 --> 00:38:34,212
...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers.

879
00:38:34,378 --> 00:38:37,052
- Thanks.
- No, no. Come on. Don't.

880
00:38:37,214 --> 00:38:40,491
Relay, the kid is acknowledging
the error of his ways. Respect that.

881
00:38:42,620 --> 00:38:44,566
Come on, man, it's Christmas.

882
00:38:44,889 --> 00:38:46,163
Thanks, kid.

883
00:38:46,390 --> 00:38:47,801
- All right.
- Cheers.

884
00:38:47,959 --> 00:38:49,461
HAROLD: Cheers.
- Cheers.

885
00:38:50,194 --> 00:38:52,504
Mm. It's good.

886
00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:56,475
Why don't you guys just sit down
and I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you.

887
00:38:56,634 --> 00:38:57,908
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.

888
00:38:58,069 --> 00:38:59,104
Appreciate it.

889
00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,007
Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!

890
00:39:03,607 --> 00:39:04,381
Have you kids...

891
00:39:04,542 --> 00:39:07,182
...never seen VH1's Behind the Music?

892
00:39:07,611 --> 00:39:08,521
Dc you not know...

893
00:39:08,679 --> 00:39:12,752
...what cocaine can do to the mind
of a person as young as you?

894
00:39:12,917 --> 00:39:13,657
[SNEEZES]

895
00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:18,224
[GIGGLES]

896
00:39:23,294 --> 00:39:25,365
[OVER SPEAKERS]
Unh, reporting live from the kitchen

897
00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:27,133
With a brand-new swag

898
00:39:27,298 --> 00:39:28,834
Dude, do you feel kind cf weird?

899
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,879
Yeah, I do, actually.
My face is feeling kind cf numb.

900
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:33,106
Oh, fuck.

901
00:39:33,270 --> 00:39:34,772
The kids put something in here.

902
00:39:34,939 --> 00:39:36,509
Was it drugs? Was it semen?

903
00:39:37,608 --> 00:39:38,780
[GARGLES]

904
00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:40,851
It doesn't taste like semen.

905
00:39:41,846 --> 00:39:43,348
MARY:
Uh! You fucking...

906
00:39:43,514 --> 00:39:45,357
...loser!
- Give me another chance!

907
00:39:45,516 --> 00:39:46,961
I'm begging you!

908
00:39:47,118 --> 00:39:49,189
I'm really, really, really sorry!

909
00:39:50,321 --> 00:39:53,632
That we had sex too well too often.

910
00:39:53,791 --> 00:39:55,964
"Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry.

911
00:39:56,127 --> 00:39:57,105
Somebody is gonna...

912
00:39:57,261 --> 00:39:59,639
...fuck me tonight! You!

913
00:40:01,032 --> 00:40:02,909
Oh, no. Ha. Married.

914
00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:04,512
- He's single.
- Hi. Kumar.

915
00:40:04,668 --> 00:40:05,772
I don't date black guys.

916
00:40:05,936 --> 00:40:07,347
- What? Whoa!
MARY: Unh!

917
00:40:07,538 --> 00:40:09,415
- What are you doing?
MARY: Getting you ready.

918
00:40:09,573 --> 00:40:11,348
- Get her off me!
- Right, sorry, sorry!

919
00:40:11,509 --> 00:40:12,886
Uh, I'm not gonna let you...

920
00:40:13,044 --> 00:40:15,786
...rape my friend on Christmas Eve.
He's married.

921
00:40:15,946 --> 00:40:17,220
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

922
00:40:17,381 --> 00:40:19,520
[CHATTERING]

923
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:25,028
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

924
00:40:25,356 --> 00:40:26,596
Who the fuck are you?

925
00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:28,969
[GROANS]

926
00:40:29,126 --> 00:40:30,196
[SCRATCHES]

927
00:40:33,664 --> 00:40:34,506
MARY:
Stop resisting.

928
00:40:34,665 --> 00:40:35,939
HAROLD:
Push harder, dude!

929
00:40:36,100 --> 00:40:37,135
KUMAR:
I am doing it!

930
00:40:37,301 --> 00:40:38,177
HAROLD:
I can't get her...

931
00:40:38,335 --> 00:40:40,474
...off!
MARY: Oh, God!

932
00:40:40,638 --> 00:40:42,083
[HAROLD GRUNTS]

933
00:40:42,506 --> 00:40:43,780
Mariana?

934
00:40:45,910 --> 00:40:46,581
Daddy.

935
00:40:48,012 --> 00:40:48,922
BOTH:
Daddy.

936
00:40:51,649 --> 00:40:52,457
That's Sergei...

937
00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:53,788
...Katsov.

938
00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:54,793
I know, dude.

939
00:40:54,985 --> 00:40:56,157
Start talking.

940
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:57,697
- Start talking.
- Okay.

941
00:40:59,757 --> 00:41:00,462
She--

942
00:41:00,624 --> 00:41:01,864
Start talking! Now!

943
00:41:02,026 --> 00:41:05,872
Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold.
It's very nice to meet you.

944
00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:08,374
Um, I know this is gonna be hard
for you to believe...

945
00:41:08,532 --> 00:41:11,536
...but your daughter, sir, was the one
who was trying to rape us.

946
00:41:11,702 --> 00:41:12,703
She's the raper.

947
00:41:12,870 --> 00:41:14,747
No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.

948
00:41:14,905 --> 00:41:17,317
These men came in here,
I didn't know who they were.

949
00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:18,954
I think that they get me drunk.

950
00:41:19,110 --> 00:41:20,919
No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.

951
00:41:21,078 --> 00:41:22,455
You get my daughter drunk?

952
00:41:22,613 --> 00:41:24,889
Sir, if I may. This is all a big ...

953
00:41:25,516 --> 00:41:26,722
Let me pull my pants up.

954
00:41:26,884 --> 00:41:28,454
It's all a big misunderstanding.

955
00:41:29,453 --> 00:41:30,727
Your children threw the party.

956
00:41:32,123 --> 00:41:36,071
We have nothing to do with all the drugs
and all the alcohol.

957
00:41:36,227 --> 00:41:36,762
[WHISTLE]

958
00:41:36,961 --> 00:41:38,304
Okay, listen up!

959
00:41:38,462 --> 00:41:39,372
Party's over!

960
00:41:39,530 --> 00:41:40,372
My baby...

961
00:41:40,531 --> 00:41:43,705
...is fucked on cocaine!
KATSOV: I've heard enough.

962
00:41:43,868 --> 00:41:44,846
Gustav.

963
00:41:45,002 --> 00:41:45,946
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

964
00:41:46,137 --> 00:41:47,639
- What? Oh, shit!
- No! No!

965
00:41:47,805 --> 00:41:49,944
Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?

966
00:41:50,107 --> 00:41:52,678
- Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"?
- He means both.

967
00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:54,254
Why can't he say bath cf us?

968
00:41:54,411 --> 00:41:55,754
Bath cf you...

969
00:41:56,614 --> 00:41:58,457
...kill them. Kill them all!

970
00:41:58,916 --> 00:41:59,894
[CROWD CLAMORING]

971
00:42:00,951 --> 00:42:01,759
- Aah!
KUMAR: Go!

972
00:42:01,919 --> 00:42:02,624
Now!

973
00:42:03,420 --> 00:42:04,797
TODD:
Unh, ah! Ava!

974
00:42:04,955 --> 00:42:06,730
Come with me if you wanna live!

975
00:42:06,891 --> 00:42:08,063
What? No, no!

976
00:42:08,225 --> 00:42:08,794
No, no, no!

977
00:42:13,297 --> 00:42:14,139
[BOTH GRUNT]

978
00:42:45,262 --> 00:42:47,003
Aah. Where's my baby?

979
00:42:47,164 --> 00:42:48,199
- Ava! Ava!
- Shh!

980
00:42:48,399 --> 00:42:50,675
Where could my baby be?
Where's my baby?

981
00:42:50,834 --> 00:42:51,574
[BABY GIGGLING]

982
00:42:51,936 --> 00:42:53,438
[BOTH YELL]

983
00:42:54,205 --> 00:42:56,481
Your cake baby has superpowers.

984
00:42:56,674 --> 00:42:58,676
[BOTH LAUGHING]

985
00:42:59,877 --> 00:43:01,754
- That was close.
- I know, right?

986
00:43:02,813 --> 00:43:04,815
HAROLD:
Were you starting to trip cut a little bit?

987
00:43:05,849 --> 00:43:09,228
Because I think I was starting
to trip cut back there a little bit.

988
00:43:09,386 --> 00:43:12,765
Yeah, definitely, man. I think there
was something in the eggnog.

989
00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:14,368
It's pretty fucking sweet.

990
00:43:14,558 --> 00:43:15,400
Don't worry.

991
00:43:15,559 --> 00:43:17,334
I'm pretty sure it's wearing off.

992
00:43:19,530 --> 00:43:21,532
Or maybe not?

993
00:43:21,699 --> 00:43:24,043
Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated!

994
00:43:24,201 --> 00:43:25,680
Ha-ha-ha. Sc are you!

995
00:43:25,836 --> 00:43:26,906
Sc is he.

996
00:43:27,171 --> 00:43:28,650
What's up, bland?

997
00:43:31,008 --> 00:43:32,783
Dude, everything's Claymated!

998
00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:34,047
Fuck you!

999
00:43:34,211 --> 00:43:35,383
KUMAR:
This is great!

1000
00:43:35,546 --> 00:43:38,550
No, it's not! How am I supposed
to get a tree now? I'm made of clay.

1001
00:43:38,716 --> 00:43:40,093
Ooh, hold on. I have an idea.

1002
00:43:40,251 --> 00:43:41,093
What the hell--?

1003
00:43:41,652 --> 00:43:42,357
Yah!

1004
00:43:42,653 --> 00:43:44,428
KUMAR: Clay cocks!
- Put your cock away.

1005
00:43:46,090 --> 00:43:48,036
Dude, relax. it's gonna wear off scan.

1006
00:43:48,192 --> 00:43:48,829
[WOMAN SCREAMS]

1007
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,704
HAROLD:
Dude, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

1008
00:43:51,862 --> 00:43:52,806
What the fuck?

1009
00:43:53,097 --> 00:43:55,805
KUMAR: Don't worry, nothing had
ever happens in Claymation.

1010
00:43:55,966 --> 00:43:57,070
[SNOWMAN GROWLS THEN GRUNTS]

1011
00:43:57,701 --> 00:43:58,679
Whoa!

1012
00:43:59,069 --> 00:44:00,070
Shit!

1013
00:44:00,237 --> 00:44:01,238
Fuck!

1014
00:44:09,446 --> 00:44:10,823
Dude, lack cut!

1015
00:44:18,489 --> 00:44:20,491
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

1016
00:44:27,564 --> 00:44:28,668
KUMAR:
Come on, let's hide...

1017
00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:29,572
...in that tree.

1018
00:44:29,733 --> 00:44:30,711
Dude, came on!

1019
00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:37,710
HAROLD & KUMAR:
Aww.

1020
00:44:39,109 --> 00:44:40,179
Hey, little guy.

1021
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:44,258
Just wanna take you home
and cuddle with you all night long.

1022
00:44:44,948 --> 00:44:46,256
You hungry?

1023
00:44:46,817 --> 00:44:47,420
[GROWLS]

1024
00:44:47,584 --> 00:44:48,585
[BOTH SCREAMING]

1025
00:44:51,622 --> 00:44:53,158
Fuck me!

1026
00:44:55,926 --> 00:44:56,961
Mommy!

1027
00:44:57,127 --> 00:44:58,162
Hold me!

1028
00:44:58,329 --> 00:44:59,603
- Roldy!
- Kumar!

1029
00:44:59,763 --> 00:45:02,141
- What the hell's the matter?
ROSENBERG: What are you doing?

1030
00:45:02,299 --> 00:45:04,108
- Rosenberg.
- Goldstein?

1031
00:45:04,268 --> 00:45:07,943
We were doing last-minute shopping
with my boy here when we saw you...

1032
00:45:08,105 --> 00:45:09,948
...tearing that snowman a new tuchus.

1033
00:45:10,107 --> 00:45:11,780
ROSENBERG:
You are gonna catch your death...

1034
00:45:11,942 --> 00:45:14,115
...of cold out here.
Let's get you a nice meal.

1035
00:45:14,278 --> 00:45:16,155
Is there somewhere we can eat?

1036
00:45:25,656 --> 00:45:27,897
This is why I tell you not
to have people over.

1037
00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:32,871
[WHISPERS] Every single other person
get cut cf here except for us.

1038
00:45:33,030 --> 00:45:35,135
-[WHISPERS] I knew you'd bring that up.
- You grabbed me.

1039
00:45:35,299 --> 00:45:37,575
You said, "Came with me
if you want to live."

1040
00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:38,713
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

1041
00:45:40,270 --> 00:45:41,476
[GIGGLING]

1042
00:45:41,638 --> 00:45:43,743
- Man, I don't think that's okay.
-It's fine.

1043
00:45:43,907 --> 00:45:46,353
It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.

1044
00:45:46,810 --> 00:45:48,380
I'm on cocaine.

1045
00:45:49,646 --> 00:45:50,784
I'm addicted to cocaine.

1046
00:45:50,948 --> 00:45:52,188
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

1047
00:45:54,151 --> 00:45:55,323
Yo! Idiots!

1048
00:45:56,653 --> 00:45:57,825
I want you to find...

1049
00:45:57,988 --> 00:46:00,298
...the men who violated...

1050
00:46:00,457 --> 00:46:01,834
...my daughter...

1051
00:46:01,992 --> 00:46:04,370
...and I want you to fucking kill them!

1052
00:46:05,896 --> 00:46:08,376
- Still hits the spat.
HAROLD: I know, right?

1053
00:46:08,532 --> 00:46:11,877
Oh, I almost forgot. Harold,
my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back cut.

1054
00:46:12,035 --> 00:46:13,673
So me and him, we're not gonna...

1055
00:46:13,837 --> 00:46:15,510
...be able to make your party.

1056
00:46:15,672 --> 00:46:17,413
- I'm so sorry about that.
-It's okay.

1057
00:46:17,574 --> 00:46:21,386
There's not really a-- We should get going.
We get a Christmas tree emergency.

1058
00:46:21,545 --> 00:46:24,856
I don't understand what it is
with you people and your trees.

1059
00:46:25,015 --> 00:46:26,016
GOLDSTEIN:
For us Christians...

1060
00:46:26,183 --> 00:46:28,891
...the tree is a very important
part cf cur holiday.

1061
00:46:29,052 --> 00:46:30,963
Okay, don't start with this. All right?

1062
00:46:31,121 --> 00:46:36,036
Just because your wife made you convert
doesn't mean you're not a Jew!

1063
00:46:36,393 --> 00:46:39,533
His name is Seth Goldstein.
For Christ's sake!

1064
00:46:39,696 --> 00:46:41,835
First cf all, don't ever take the Lord's...

1065
00:46:41,999 --> 00:46:43,444
...name in vain. Secondly...

1066
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:44,977
...I was baptized, bitch!

1067
00:46:45,636 --> 00:46:46,808
The second the priest...

1068
00:46:46,970 --> 00:46:48,677
...poured that holy water over me...

1069
00:46:48,839 --> 00:46:51,786
...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred
just washed right off.

1070
00:46:51,942 --> 00:46:54,149
KUMAR: Sounds like you're enjoying
your new religion.

1071
00:46:54,344 --> 00:46:55,550
Dude, it's the balls.

1072
00:46:55,712 --> 00:46:57,350
These dirty Jew bastards have...

1073
00:46:57,514 --> 00:46:59,084
...no idea what they're missing.

1074
00:46:59,249 --> 00:47:01,286
Fishing! Hunting!
I tie knots on a sailboat.

1075
00:47:01,452 --> 00:47:02,863
I made terrible investments...

1076
00:47:03,020 --> 00:47:04,499
...doesn't bother me a bit.

1077
00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:06,225
And guess what. Next week...

1078
00:47:06,390 --> 00:47:08,836
...I have an appointment
to get uncircumcised.

1079
00:47:08,992 --> 00:47:11,632
That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle.

1080
00:47:11,929 --> 00:47:15,604
Guys, I'd love to stay and chat
but I gotta go get this tree.

1081
00:47:15,766 --> 00:47:17,245
Christmas tree! Christmas tree!

1082
00:47:20,637 --> 00:47:22,878
It's glorious. isn't it Christian?

1083
00:47:23,440 --> 00:47:24,578
Great to see you guys.

1084
00:47:24,741 --> 00:47:26,414
KUMAR: See you, guys.
GOLDSTEIN: No, wait.

1085
00:47:26,743 --> 00:47:27,687
Excuse me!

1086
00:47:27,878 --> 00:47:31,121
You still awe me 87 cents
for that jalapeno cheeseburger!

1087
00:47:31,281 --> 00:47:35,024
Ah! Guess that holy water didn't
wash everything off, new did it?

1088
00:47:36,787 --> 00:47:38,289
HAROLD:
God, that tree is perfect.

1089
00:47:38,455 --> 00:47:39,525
KUMAR:
Let's go check it cut.

1090
00:47:39,690 --> 00:47:40,930
Tickets, please.

1091
00:47:41,091 --> 00:47:42,695
I'm sorry, we don't have tickets.

1092
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:44,032
They sold cut months ago.

1093
00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:46,599
- But--
- Step aside, please.

1094
00:47:47,264 --> 00:47:48,937
I said step aside.

1095
00:47:51,468 --> 00:47:52,776
Shit.

1096
00:47:54,104 --> 00:47:56,846
You know what? Fuck it,
it's almost midnight. I give up.

1097
00:47:57,007 --> 00:47:58,111
You can't give up yet.

1098
00:47:59,009 --> 00:48:00,113
Lack...

1099
00:48:00,277 --> 00:48:02,917
...I have an idea on haw we might
get that tree cut.

1100
00:48:03,213 --> 00:48:04,715
- What?
-It's not gonna be easy.

1101
00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:06,862
But this may be
the last chance we've got.

1102
00:48:08,151 --> 00:48:08,993
Here's what we do.

1103
00:48:10,554 --> 00:48:12,397
First, we need to steal some tickets.

1104
00:48:12,556 --> 00:48:15,162
Then I slip off to the side
and take out the archbishop.

1105
00:48:17,194 --> 00:48:18,935
I head down
to the nuns' shower room.

1106
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:23,337
HAROLD: I didn't know the nuns
all showered in the same room.

1107
00:48:23,500 --> 00:48:25,377
How do you think they stay so clean?

1108
00:48:26,870 --> 00:48:30,545
While the nuns are lezzing it out,
I'm gonna snag the key to the back room.

1109
00:48:30,707 --> 00:48:32,152
HAROLD:
What back room?

1110
00:48:32,309 --> 00:48:35,654
The back room that the priests
are guarding. Am I going too fast?

1111
00:48:35,812 --> 00:48:36,813
- No.
- Okay, good.

1112
00:48:36,980 --> 00:48:38,823
You're in charge cf distracting them.

1113
00:48:38,982 --> 00:48:40,188
How the hell do I do that?

1114
00:48:40,350 --> 00:48:42,523
KUMAR: That's easy, you'll just use
our secret weapon.

1115
00:48:42,686 --> 00:48:47,192
Pillow fight in the altar boys' room.
Last one there's a rotten egg.

1116
00:48:48,559 --> 00:48:51,665
KUMAR: Once the coast is clear, we use
the key to get into the back room.

1117
00:48:51,828 --> 00:48:53,364
I guard while you kill the power.

1118
00:48:53,530 --> 00:48:55,703
While everyone's trying
to turn the power on...

1119
00:48:55,866 --> 00:48:57,812
...you and I will get the tree.

1120
00:48:57,968 --> 00:49:00,744
We take it to your place,
and when Maria's dad comes home...

1121
00:49:00,904 --> 00:49:02,781
...and sees this beautiful tree...

1122
00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:05,216
...in your living room,
he'll jizz all over it.

1123
00:49:06,743 --> 00:49:07,744
What do you think?

1124
00:49:09,313 --> 00:49:10,053
INEZ:
Uncle Harold.

1125
00:49:10,213 --> 00:49:12,955
I think I see Uncle Harold over there.

1126
00:49:13,116 --> 00:49:15,255
What do you mean,
you see Uncle Harold?

1127
00:49:20,090 --> 00:49:21,091
Baby?

1128
00:49:21,725 --> 00:49:23,033
Oh, sorry, sir.

1129
00:49:23,527 --> 00:49:24,301
MR. PEREZ:
it's okay, baby.

1130
00:49:24,461 --> 00:49:27,067
They all look alike to me too.
Ha-ha-ha.

1131
00:49:28,899 --> 00:49:33,143
HAROLD: Fuck! Midnight Mass.
Is it midnight already? Fucking midnight!

1132
00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:34,577
Running cut cf time.

1133
00:49:34,738 --> 00:49:37,048
Wait, wait, wait!
What the hell are we doing?

1134
00:49:37,207 --> 00:49:39,483
Hold on. What the hell's going on?

1135
00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:42,624
He almost spotted us!
I'm supposed to be at home with the tree.

1136
00:49:42,779 --> 00:49:45,055
But why are you making
such a big deal about this?

1137
00:49:45,215 --> 00:49:47,388
Because it is a big deal.

1138
00:49:47,551 --> 00:49:50,088
Who gives a shit what
your father-in-law thinks?

1139
00:49:50,253 --> 00:49:54,258
I give a shit what my father-in-law thinks.
You wouldn't understand.

1140
00:49:55,592 --> 00:49:57,731
No, dude, I don't understand.

1141
00:49:58,328 --> 00:50:01,434
You got a great job, you make good money,
you don't beat your wife.

1142
00:50:01,598 --> 00:50:03,737
What more could a Latino
father-in-law ask for?

1143
00:50:03,900 --> 00:50:05,538
- Well ...
- If I were you...

1144
00:50:05,702 --> 00:50:07,773
...I'd tell him to eat
a cockmeat sandwich.

1145
00:50:09,473 --> 00:50:10,850
You should not go through...

1146
00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:12,749
...all this just to make him happy.

1147
00:50:13,343 --> 00:50:15,118
You're right, I don't have to.

1148
00:50:15,746 --> 00:50:17,089
I want to.

1149
00:50:17,781 --> 00:50:21,524
I want him to be happy
because I want Maria to be happy.

1150
00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:24,632
Because what makes Maria happy
is what makes me happy.

1151
00:50:25,255 --> 00:50:26,063
Don't you get it?

1152
00:50:26,223 --> 00:50:28,567
I don't have to be doing this.

1153
00:50:29,126 --> 00:50:30,799
I wanna be doing this.

1154
00:50:32,596 --> 00:50:33,597
What the fuck?

1155
00:50:33,764 --> 00:50:36,643
Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago!
We need all bodies on-stage!

1156
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:37,676
[BOTH YELL]

1157
00:50:38,468 --> 00:50:41,915
Oh, my God, you guys aren't even
dressed? Jesus fucking Christ!

1158
00:50:42,072 --> 00:50:43,142
You have the wrong people.

1159
00:50:43,306 --> 00:50:44,307
Wardrobe!

1160
00:50:44,474 --> 00:50:47,080
Ga! Come on, came on, came on!
Shut up!

1161
00:50:48,812 --> 00:50:51,691
Ma'am, you seem like
a very nice person.

1162
00:50:51,848 --> 00:50:53,156
BECCA:
Ga! Move!

1163
00:50:53,316 --> 00:50:54,590
Fucking actors.

1164
00:50:54,751 --> 00:50:57,425
ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]:
And now, ladies and gentlemen...

1165
00:50:57,587 --> 00:50:59,328
...without further ado...

1166
00:50:59,489 --> 00:51:01,093
...the man...
- Lock at these firs.

1167
00:51:01,258 --> 00:51:02,794
...You've all been waiting for:

1168
00:51:02,959 --> 00:51:04,336
America's sweetheart!

1169
00:51:04,494 --> 00:51:05,302
[SINGING]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly

1170
00:51:05,462 --> 00:51:06,463
Holy shit. Neil.

1171
00:51:06,963 --> 00:51:09,239
Fa-Ia-Ia-la-la, la-la-Ia-la

1172
00:51:09,766 --> 00:51:10,540
Dance.

1173
00:51:10,701 --> 00:51:11,543
What?

1174
00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,339
Blend. Blend. Blend.

1175
00:51:13,503 --> 00:51:14,379
KUMAR:
Harold. Wait!

1176
00:51:14,938 --> 00:51:17,145
Don we now our gay apparel

1177
00:51:17,307 --> 00:51:19,981
Fa-Ia-la, la-Ia-Ia, Ia-la-la

1178
00:51:20,143 --> 00:51:22,316
Troll the ancient yuletide carol

1179
00:51:22,479 --> 00:51:24,049
Fa-Ia-Ia-la-la, la-Ia

1180
00:51:24,815 --> 00:51:26,260
La-Ia!

1181
00:51:31,121 --> 00:51:33,863
You better watch out
You better not cry

1182
00:51:34,024 --> 00:51:36,402
You better not pout
I'm tellin' you why

1183
00:51:36,560 --> 00:51:38,801
Santa Claus is comin'

1184
00:51:38,962 --> 00:51:40,566
To town

1185
00:51:40,731 --> 00:51:41,709
[GRUNTS]

1186
00:51:41,998 --> 00:51:43,841
He sees you when you're sleeping

1187
00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:45,206
He knows when you're awake

1188
00:51:45,368 --> 00:51:46,813
[ALL GRUNTING]

1189
00:51:47,838 --> 00:51:48,908
HAROLD:
Oh, my God!

1190
00:51:49,206 --> 00:51:51,243
So be good for goodness' sake

1191
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:53,421
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

1192
00:51:57,414 --> 00:52:00,657
Santa Claus is comin' to town

1193
00:52:06,523 --> 00:52:09,003
WAFFLEBOTS [SINGING]:
I played my drum for him

1194
00:52:09,159 --> 00:52:10,900
Pa rum pum pum pum

1195
00:52:13,230 --> 00:52:14,834
Then he

1196
00:52:14,998 --> 00:52:16,272
Smiled at me

1197
00:52:16,833 --> 00:52:18,506
Pa rum pum pum pum

1198
00:52:19,236 --> 00:52:21,216
Me and my drum

1199
00:52:30,113 --> 00:52:32,719
We wish you a merry Christmas

1200
00:52:32,883 --> 00:52:35,363
We wish you a merry Christmas

1201
00:52:35,786 --> 00:52:37,595
We wish you a merry Christmas

1202
00:52:37,754 --> 00:52:40,030
And a happy New Year

1203
00:52:40,190 --> 00:52:42,568
We wish you a merry Christmas

1204
00:52:42,726 --> 00:52:44,797
We wish you a merry Christmas

1205
00:52:44,961 --> 00:52:47,100
We wish you a merry Christmas

1206
00:52:47,264 --> 00:52:49,972
And a happy

1207
00:52:50,133 --> 00:52:55,276
New Year

1208
00:53:00,944 --> 00:53:02,617
Merry Christmas, everyone!

1209
00:53:04,815 --> 00:53:07,056
DIRECTOR:
All right, that's a cut. Great jab.

1210
00:53:07,217 --> 00:53:09,322
Great jab.
I've just get a few notes, okay?

1211
00:53:09,486 --> 00:53:11,625
Just gonna came on the stage.

1212
00:53:11,788 --> 00:53:12,960
Oh, God.

1213
00:53:13,557 --> 00:53:14,900
Fucking tight jeans.

1214
00:53:16,626 --> 00:53:21,439
NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing
the heat, and you are bringing it hard.

1215
00:53:21,598 --> 00:53:23,976
You're a dream, but unfortunately...

1216
00:53:24,134 --> 00:53:26,114
...these backup blowjob artists...

1217
00:53:26,269 --> 00:53:28,476
...are ruining everything!

1218
00:53:28,638 --> 00:53:29,981
I can run it again.

1219
00:53:30,140 --> 00:53:33,485
No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.
Go and get some rest, huh?

1220
00:53:33,643 --> 00:53:35,452
Make yourself fresh, okay? Ha, ha.

1221
00:53:36,780 --> 00:53:37,986
Damn it!

1222
00:53:42,586 --> 00:53:43,860
Hey, Gracie, chin up.

1223
00:53:44,020 --> 00:53:46,022
Happens to the best of us.
You up for...

1224
00:53:46,189 --> 00:53:48,100
...one-on-one rehearsing later?
GRACIE: Wait.

1225
00:53:49,025 --> 00:53:50,026
You know my name?

1226
00:53:50,193 --> 00:53:54,266
Of course. You're doing great.
I thought we could work on a thing or two.

1227
00:53:54,431 --> 00:53:57,310
- In my dressing room, five minutes.
- Yes!

1228
00:53:57,467 --> 00:54:00,107
Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris.

1229
00:54:00,270 --> 00:54:03,046
- I'll get changed and be right over.
- I'll see you then.

1230
00:54:05,275 --> 00:54:07,812
You really think Neil can
get us one cf those trees?

1231
00:54:07,978 --> 00:54:10,481
After all we've been through
with that guy, he better.

1232
00:54:10,647 --> 00:54:12,024
No shit.

1233
00:54:12,616 --> 00:54:14,095
REPORTER:
Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye.

1234
00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:17,494
Hollywood Hearsay.
Is it true that you're replacing Regis?

1235
00:54:17,654 --> 00:54:18,860
NEIL:
it'll be tough between...

1236
00:54:19,022 --> 00:54:21,662
...How I Met Your Mother
and charity work, but we'll see.

1237
00:54:21,825 --> 00:54:24,806
Oh, wow. And you stunned fans
when you said you were gay.

1238
00:54:24,961 --> 00:54:28,067
How has this affected your relationship
with your partner, David?

1239
00:54:28,231 --> 00:54:30,711
Well, maybe this'll answer
your question.

1240
00:54:32,135 --> 00:54:33,637
So hot, NPH.

1241
00:54:33,803 --> 00:54:36,545
Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey. How about that?

1242
00:54:36,706 --> 00:54:38,310
Thank you. I love you guys.

1243
00:54:38,475 --> 00:54:39,476
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1244
00:54:39,643 --> 00:54:41,520
Ugh. What did I tell you
about using tongue?

1245
00:54:41,678 --> 00:54:43,521
You wanted it to lack realistic.

1246
00:54:43,680 --> 00:54:46,422
Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit.

1247
00:54:46,583 --> 00:54:49,496
The only reason I put up
with this homo crap is for the p-tang.

1248
00:54:49,686 --> 00:54:50,994
DAVID:
Fuck this! I get a wife...

1249
00:54:51,154 --> 00:54:52,792
...and kid. I'm cut cf here.

1250
00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:53,991
NEIL:
Wait, man.

1251
00:54:54,157 --> 00:54:55,261
What about the stuff?

1252
00:54:55,458 --> 00:54:56,869
DAVID: What stuff?
- The stuff.

1253
00:54:57,027 --> 00:54:58,165
Give me the stuff.

1254
00:54:58,862 --> 00:54:59,704
This stuff?

1255
00:54:59,863 --> 00:55:00,773
[PANTS]

1256
00:55:00,997 --> 00:55:01,839
Oh, yeah.

1257
00:55:01,998 --> 00:55:03,534
You'd like this bag cf crack.

1258
00:55:03,700 --> 00:55:04,508
Wouldn't you?

1259
00:55:04,668 --> 00:55:07,342
Well, maybe I should give it
to someone else.

1260
00:55:07,504 --> 00:55:09,506
You know I get Fred Savage
on speed dial.

1261
00:55:09,673 --> 00:55:11,846
Fuck Savage! That rock is mine!

1262
00:55:12,008 --> 00:55:15,922
Give it to me. Come on, David,
give me the stuff. Give me the sugar.

1263
00:55:16,079 --> 00:55:18,252
- Put money in my account.
- You get it. Done.

1264
00:55:18,415 --> 00:55:21,191
- And sing at my niece's quinceanera.
- All right, I'll sing.

1265
00:55:21,351 --> 00:55:23,228
- You can't fuck her!
- I can't promise.

1266
00:55:23,386 --> 00:55:24,387
- Fine.
- No! All right!

1267
00:55:24,554 --> 00:55:25,362
I won't fuck her!

1268
00:55:25,522 --> 00:55:27,297
Just let me have the rack.

1269
00:55:27,457 --> 00:55:28,367
GRACIE:
Excuse me, Neil?

1270
00:55:28,525 --> 00:55:29,663
Oh. Oh, this is--

1271
00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,032
I can came back later.

1272
00:55:31,194 --> 00:55:34,471
- No! No, I'm heading cut. Ha, ha.
- No, we were just-- Hi.

1273
00:55:34,631 --> 00:55:36,372
Bye-bye, sweet pea.

1274
00:55:36,533 --> 00:55:38,479
- You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha.
DAVID: Always.

1275
00:55:38,635 --> 00:55:39,909
You guys are too cute.

1276
00:55:40,070 --> 00:55:40,844
[M o u T H s]
Fuck you.

1277
00:55:41,004 --> 00:55:41,573
I do love...

1278
00:55:41,738 --> 00:55:43,342
...that handsome man.

1279
00:55:43,707 --> 00:55:45,152
Thank you so much for this...

1280
00:55:45,308 --> 00:55:47,083
...opportunity to work with you.

1281
00:55:47,243 --> 00:55:48,244
Sure. Come on in.

1282
00:55:48,411 --> 00:55:49,890
What would you like to rehearse?

1283
00:55:50,046 --> 00:55:52,185
Oh. Nothing specific.
Just some general stuff.

1284
00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:54,955
You seemed tense.
I thought we could loosen you up.

1285
00:55:55,118 --> 00:55:56,290
Take your sweater off.

1286
00:55:56,720 --> 00:55:57,562
[CHUCKLES]

1287
00:55:57,787 --> 00:55:58,424
Oh, no, no.

1288
00:55:58,588 --> 00:55:59,828
For a massage. Heh.

1289
00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:02,401
David'll tell you,
these hands are magical.

1290
00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:05,768
Well, I don't really have
anything on underneath, so ...

1291
00:56:05,929 --> 00:56:08,068
Oh, it's okay.
It's just a couple girlfriends.

1292
00:56:08,231 --> 00:56:09,266
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1293
00:56:09,766 --> 00:56:11,143
Now take it off.

1294
00:56:11,668 --> 00:56:12,738
Okay.

1295
00:56:16,439 --> 00:56:18,419
Why don't you lay on the bed?

1296
00:56:23,013 --> 00:56:24,458
[SNIFFS]

1297
00:56:28,585 --> 00:56:29,791
- Ow.
- Sorry.

1298
00:56:32,922 --> 00:56:34,162
[BOTH MOANING]

1299
00:56:34,324 --> 00:56:35,268
Feels good.

1300
00:56:35,425 --> 00:56:37,132
Yeah, it does feel good.

1301
00:56:37,293 --> 00:56:39,364
I can't ... I can't ...

1302
00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:42,202
- Can I take this bra off?
- Um ...

1303
00:56:42,465 --> 00:56:44,809
-it's okay. Girlfriends.
- Ha-ha-ha.

1304
00:56:45,435 --> 00:56:46,937
That's better.

1305
00:56:47,103 --> 00:56:48,605
Should we do something?

1306
00:56:48,772 --> 00:56:51,514
I don't know, I kind cf wanna see
what happens next.

1307
00:56:51,975 --> 00:56:52,953
Feels good.

1308
00:56:53,109 --> 00:56:54,315
Oh, it's so hard.

1309
00:56:54,477 --> 00:56:56,787
This knot on your back is so hard.

1310
00:56:56,946 --> 00:56:58,619
Lack, don't be alarmed...

1311
00:56:59,816 --> 00:57:03,889
...but I'm gonna squirt some lotion
on your back in about...

1312
00:57:04,354 --> 00:57:05,628
...35 seconds.

1313
00:57:05,789 --> 00:57:06,699
Excuse me?

1314
00:57:06,856 --> 00:57:08,062
- Shut up.
- What the fuck?

1315
00:57:08,224 --> 00:57:09,362
Shut the fuck up!

1316
00:57:09,526 --> 00:57:10,630
Get the fuck off cf me!

1317
00:57:10,794 --> 00:57:12,705
You like it rough? I can play that way.

1318
00:57:12,862 --> 00:57:14,535
God! I thought you were gay!

1319
00:57:14,697 --> 00:57:16,176
I am gay. Gay for that pussy.

1320
00:57:16,332 --> 00:57:17,333
Oh!

1321
00:57:17,534 --> 00:57:19,571
I don't know what sick game
you're playing...

1322
00:57:19,736 --> 00:57:21,977
...but touch me again,
I'll rip your dick off!

1323
00:57:22,138 --> 00:57:23,446
[LAUGHING]

1324
00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:24,482
[GRUNTS]

1325
00:57:27,677 --> 00:57:29,588
Marty, Kumar, lang time.

1326
00:57:31,648 --> 00:57:33,753
It's Harold, actually.

1327
00:57:33,917 --> 00:57:35,419
Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is.

1328
00:57:35,619 --> 00:57:36,859
Come on, have a seat.

1329
00:57:37,020 --> 00:57:40,558
How lang has it been?
You two lack great. Have you Inst weight?

1330
00:57:40,724 --> 00:57:42,328
Is that Hugo Bass? I Iove it.

1331
00:57:42,492 --> 00:57:44,529
Well, thanks. Listen, um ...

1332
00:57:45,061 --> 00:57:47,905
Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?

1333
00:57:48,365 --> 00:57:49,742
Shut up!

1334
00:57:49,933 --> 00:57:50,877
God, I hate this...

1335
00:57:51,034 --> 00:57:53,071
...fucking PancakeBot thing.

1336
00:57:53,236 --> 00:57:54,715
Dude, it's a WaffleBot.

1337
00:57:54,871 --> 00:57:56,009
They' re awesome.

1338
00:57:56,172 --> 00:57:56,775
WaffleThing.

1339
00:57:56,940 --> 00:57:58,044
Get the fuck...

1340
00:57:58,208 --> 00:57:59,585
...cut cf my life!

1341
00:58:00,243 --> 00:58:01,847
Ouch.

1342
00:58:02,178 --> 00:58:03,282
[NEIL SIGHS]

1343
00:58:03,446 --> 00:58:04,390
Anyway...

1344
00:58:04,547 --> 00:58:07,050
...what can I do for you,
my burglars cf turd?

1345
00:58:07,217 --> 00:58:09,390
Time-the-fuck-cut.
How are you still alive?

1346
00:58:09,552 --> 00:58:10,724
Yeah, haw the fuck?

1347
00:58:11,121 --> 00:58:12,464
What are you talking about?

1348
00:58:12,622 --> 00:58:13,794
We saw you get shot.

1349
00:58:14,591 --> 00:58:16,093
You have to be more specific.

1350
00:58:16,259 --> 00:58:17,135
In that whorehouse.

1351
00:58:17,293 --> 00:58:17,930
In Texas.

1352
00:58:18,094 --> 00:58:19,471
You branded a prostitute.

1353
00:58:19,629 --> 00:58:20,198
Remember?

1354
00:58:20,597 --> 00:58:22,201
Oh, yeah!

1355
00:58:22,365 --> 00:58:24,538
Now I remember.

1356
00:58:24,934 --> 00:58:26,038
It hurt like hell...

1357
00:58:26,202 --> 00:58:27,044
...at first.

1358
00:58:27,203 --> 00:58:27,977
And then...

1359
00:58:28,138 --> 00:58:29,173
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

1360
00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:31,709
...everything faded away.

1361
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:33,579
And I went to heaven.

1362
00:58:35,378 --> 00:58:36,379
It was exactly...

1363
00:58:36,546 --> 00:58:37,616
...like I imagined it.

1364
00:58:37,781 --> 00:58:38,782
[CHATTERING]

1365
00:58:39,616 --> 00:58:40,754
Saint Peter was there...

1366
00:58:40,917 --> 00:58:41,918
...to meet me.

1367
00:58:42,085 --> 00:58:43,587
Whoa. No way!

1368
00:58:43,753 --> 00:58:45,289
- NPH?
- Yup.

1369
00:58:45,922 --> 00:58:48,630
ST. PETER:
Make room! Make room! VIP!

1370
00:58:49,492 --> 00:58:50,527
[DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

1371
00:58:50,694 --> 00:58:53,436
NEIL: The chicks were hot.
The music was sick.

1372
00:58:53,596 --> 00:58:55,098
There were lasers.

1373
00:58:55,265 --> 00:58:57,006
It was like being famous...

1374
00:58:57,167 --> 00:58:59,340
...in the early '90s. I was about to...

1375
00:58:59,502 --> 00:59:01,175
...get my drink on, when I was...

1376
00:59:01,337 --> 00:59:03,214
...interrupted by some dirty hippie.

1377
00:59:04,074 --> 00:59:05,781
Neil Patrick Harris. My man.

1378
00:59:06,409 --> 00:59:07,945
I'm sure you recognize me...

1379
00:59:09,012 --> 00:59:10,582
...but I'm Jesus. Sc...

1380
00:59:11,114 --> 00:59:12,184
Jesus...?

1381
00:59:12,348 --> 00:59:14,794
Jesus Christ. That's me.
I'm Jesus Christ, Neil.

1382
00:59:14,951 --> 00:59:16,760
Hey, ladies.

1383
00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:19,400
Neil Patrick Harris.
I played Private Carl Jenkins...

1384
00:59:19,556 --> 00:59:21,001
in Starship Troopers.

1385
00:59:21,224 --> 00:59:21,964
JESUS:
Wow.

1386
00:59:22,192 --> 00:59:24,331
I love that movie. Cool, cool. Awesome.

1387
00:59:24,494 --> 00:59:26,303
Let's get shots.
Keep the party going.

1388
00:59:26,463 --> 00:59:27,373
- Who's in?
- Shots.

1389
00:59:27,530 --> 00:59:28,235
Sc, girls ...

1390
00:59:31,134 --> 00:59:32,909
Aw, came on.

1391
00:59:33,069 --> 00:59:34,377
How did that happen already?

1392
00:59:36,973 --> 00:59:38,213
Give me the phone to Dad.

1393
00:59:39,542 --> 00:59:41,215
GOD: This is God.
- Daddy?

1394
00:59:41,377 --> 00:59:43,084
We need to 86 NPH ASAP.

1395
00:59:43,246 --> 00:59:45,021
He's getting a handjob in my club.

1396
00:59:45,582 --> 00:59:47,289
[MOANS]

1397
00:59:47,450 --> 00:59:50,124
Jesus, what a cockblock.

1398
00:59:51,054 --> 00:59:52,465
Doesn't explain the gay thing.

1399
00:59:52,622 --> 00:59:53,965
You're not gay, motherfucker.

1400
00:59:54,124 --> 00:59:54,829
At all.

1401
00:59:54,991 --> 00:59:56,368
[LAUGHS]

1402
00:59:56,826 --> 00:59:59,705
That's a little something
we magicians call "misdirection."

1403
00:59:59,863 --> 01:00:01,069
Little trick I learned...

1404
01:00:01,231 --> 01:00:02,232
...from Clay Aiken.
HAROLD: What?

1405
01:00:02,398 --> 01:00:03,809
Clay Aiken's not gay?

1406
01:00:03,967 --> 01:00:07,915
Clay's the biggest coozehound I know.
That guy gets mad gash.

1407
01:00:08,071 --> 01:00:08,981
HAROLD:
Neil, listen.

1408
01:00:09,139 --> 01:00:10,914
I was wandering if--

1409
01:00:11,074 --> 01:00:13,145
I can get you one cf those
Christmas trees?

1410
01:00:13,309 --> 01:00:14,379
Sure, no problem.

1411
01:00:14,544 --> 01:00:15,545
How'd you know that?

1412
01:00:15,879 --> 01:00:17,654
I can read your mind.

1413
01:00:19,415 --> 01:00:20,416
KUMAR:
All right.

1414
01:00:20,583 --> 01:00:21,687
You might be able to--?

1415
01:00:21,851 --> 01:00:25,025
Hack you up with a free WaffleBot?
You know what? Take mine.

1416
01:00:25,188 --> 01:00:26,599
I hate that android fuck.

1417
01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:29,600
Don't call him that, dude.
What's up, WaffleBot?

1418
01:00:29,759 --> 01:00:31,932
Waffles are awesome.
Pancakes suck, right?

1419
01:00:32,095 --> 01:00:33,870
I hate pancakes.

1420
01:00:34,030 --> 01:00:34,940
I know, so do I.

1421
01:00:35,098 --> 01:00:36,805
Kumar.

1422
01:00:38,168 --> 01:00:39,010
Thanks, Neil.

1423
01:00:39,169 --> 01:00:40,239
- Thanks.
NEIL: No problem.

1424
01:00:40,403 --> 01:00:43,247
Hey, merry Christmas, guys.
We'll see you in the fourth one.

1425
01:00:44,808 --> 01:00:48,153
HAROLD: God, this is amazing. We're
actually gonna make it home before they do.

1426
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:50,587
- We saved Christmas, man.
KUMAR: Mission accomplished.

1427
01:00:50,747 --> 01:00:53,023
- All right, put down the tree. Put it dawn.
- Unh!

1428
01:00:53,216 --> 01:00:54,820
HAROLD: All right.
- Waffle break?

1429
01:00:55,018 --> 01:00:56,895
All right. Oh, God.

1430
01:00:57,053 --> 01:00:58,760
Oh, my God. WaffleBot.

1431
01:00:58,922 --> 01:01:00,026
Dude, seriously...

1432
01:01:00,190 --> 01:01:01,965
...these are incredible waffles.

1433
01:01:02,125 --> 01:01:04,731
Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever.

1434
01:01:05,228 --> 01:01:07,071
Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot.

1435
01:01:07,230 --> 01:01:08,834
I love you...

1436
01:01:08,998 --> 01:01:10,671
...Kumar.
- Ha, ha.

1437
01:01:10,834 --> 01:01:12,211
I love you too, little guy.

1438
01:01:12,702 --> 01:01:13,407
HAROLD:
What the fuck?

1439
01:01:13,570 --> 01:01:15,140
That is the weirdest fucking toy.

1440
01:01:15,738 --> 01:01:16,580
You're happy.

1441
01:01:16,739 --> 01:01:19,219
See? You're laughing.
You're having fun. Admit it:

1442
01:01:19,375 --> 01:01:21,321
I'm more fun to hang cut with than Todd.

1443
01:01:21,477 --> 01:01:24,117
Todd and Ava.
I totally forgot about them.

1444
01:01:24,581 --> 01:01:25,924
I'm sure they're fine, right?

1445
01:01:26,082 --> 01:01:27,390
It's going to voicemail.

1446
01:01:27,550 --> 01:01:29,359
I think they're fine.
Todd's a big boy.

1447
01:01:29,519 --> 01:01:31,658
He's probably putting her
to bed or something.

1448
01:01:31,855 --> 01:01:34,631
Yeah. They're probably fine, right?

1449
01:01:37,460 --> 01:01:39,235
MADEA [ON TV]:
Look at me, look at me!

1450
01:01:39,395 --> 01:01:41,102
Why wasn't you at school today?

1451
01:01:41,264 --> 01:01:42,436
I went to the park.

1452
01:01:42,665 --> 01:01:43,735
She lying.

1453
01:01:43,933 --> 01:01:46,379
MADEA: What was you doing?
You supposed to be at school.

1454
01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:47,537
[BAG RUSTLING]

1455
01:01:47,704 --> 01:01:49,775
Little girl, I'm not gonna
ask you no more.

1456
01:01:49,939 --> 01:01:53,978
NIKKI: I'm not smart like the other kids.
I can't do that stuff.

1457
01:01:54,143 --> 01:01:55,679
MADEA:
Who told you that?

1458
01:01:55,879 --> 01:01:57,984
NIKKI:
My last foster mother.

1459
01:01:58,147 --> 01:02:02,095
She told me that the only thing I'm gonna
be smart enough to do is lay on my back.

1460
01:02:02,252 --> 01:02:05,199
MADEA: The best revenge you can have
on somebody that told you that...

1461
01:02:05,355 --> 01:02:06,390
[CRUNCHING]

1462
01:02:06,556 --> 01:02:09,628
...is to prove them wrong. l went to
that school and I got your homework.

1463
01:02:09,792 --> 01:02:12,739
TODD [WHISPERS]:
Are you fucking kidding me?

1464
01:02:12,896 --> 01:02:13,670
["DECK THE HALLS"
PLAYS AS RINGTONE]

1465
01:02:13,830 --> 01:02:14,570
- Oh.
- Oh.

1466
01:02:15,098 --> 01:02:16,668
Maybe that's Todd.

1467
01:02:16,933 --> 01:02:18,674
Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you?

1468
01:02:18,835 --> 01:02:20,439
Oh, that's because Maria is--

1469
01:02:20,603 --> 01:02:21,843
- Hello?
VANESSA: Kumar?

1470
01:02:22,005 --> 01:02:23,109
- Is that you?
- Yeah.

1471
01:02:23,273 --> 01:02:24,809
Why are you calling Harold?

1472
01:02:24,974 --> 01:02:25,645
[SIGHS]

1473
01:02:25,808 --> 01:02:27,219
Can I just speak to him, please?

1474
01:02:27,377 --> 01:02:28,788
What? No.

1475
01:02:28,945 --> 01:02:30,185
I've been texting you.

1476
01:02:30,346 --> 01:02:32,087
I haven 't heard back.
What's going on?

1477
01:02:32,248 --> 01:02:33,420
Tell him I'm not gonna...

1478
01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:35,153
...make it to his party tomorrow.

1479
01:02:35,318 --> 01:02:38,094
Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it--

1480
01:02:38,254 --> 01:02:40,234
She won't make it to your party.
Too bad.

1481
01:02:40,390 --> 01:02:42,631
What else have you been
doing behind my back?

1482
01:02:42,792 --> 01:02:44,931
Has she seen your dick?
Is it bigger than mine?

1483
01:02:45,094 --> 01:02:47,700
Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay?
Goodbye.

1484
01:02:47,864 --> 01:02:49,639
No, don't hang up the phone on me.

1485
01:02:50,033 --> 01:02:51,205
Hello?

1486
01:02:52,568 --> 01:02:53,945
Here's your phone.

1487
01:02:54,304 --> 01:02:55,009
What is that?

1488
01:02:55,171 --> 01:02:57,708
That's Vanessa, Todd,
Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav.

1489
01:02:57,874 --> 01:02:59,717
Does everybody know
about this party?

1490
01:02:59,876 --> 01:03:01,913
Listen, if you want you can come.

1491
01:03:02,078 --> 01:03:04,649
I don't wanna came to your
shitty-ass party, dude.

1492
01:03:04,814 --> 01:03:07,055
I can't believe you'd invite
Vanessa and not tell me.

1493
01:03:07,216 --> 01:03:08,820
Am I supposed to feel bad?

1494
01:03:08,985 --> 01:03:12,489
Maybe if you acted more like an adult,
you'd get invited to adult parties.

1495
01:03:12,655 --> 01:03:14,862
Maybe you should go back
to your fancy house...

1496
01:03:15,024 --> 01:03:17,300
...with your douchey friends
and gay-ass sconces.

1497
01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:18,939
I don't need to be part cf this.

1498
01:03:19,095 --> 01:03:20,403
I love those sconces.

1499
01:03:20,563 --> 01:03:23,043
You know, I was really happy
till you showed up today.

1500
01:03:23,199 --> 01:03:25,008
Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude.

1501
01:03:25,168 --> 01:03:26,647
- I'm cut.
- Fine with me.

1502
01:03:26,803 --> 01:03:27,338
Fine.

1503
01:03:27,503 --> 01:03:28,743
- Cool.
- All right.

1504
01:03:28,905 --> 01:03:30,885
- Are we having lovers' quarrel?
-oh, shim.

1505
01:03:31,641 --> 01:03:32,813
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

1506
01:03:36,546 --> 01:03:39,925
Kumar, my friend.

1507
01:03:42,852 --> 01:03:44,126
Oh, lock.

1508
01:03:44,287 --> 01:03:45,197
A WaffleBot.

1509
01:03:45,355 --> 01:03:45,992
GUSTAV:
Mary would...

1510
01:03:46,155 --> 01:03:47,600
...love one cf these.
- Uh-huh.

1511
01:03:47,757 --> 01:03:48,895
GUSTAV:
Grab it.

1512
01:03:49,058 --> 01:03:50,765
Oh, crap.

1513
01:03:56,399 --> 01:03:57,639
GUSTAV:
Wake up!

1514
01:03:58,634 --> 01:04:00,910
Wake up! Wake up!

1515
01:04:01,637 --> 01:04:02,809
Wake up.

1516
01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:06,009
- Wake up.
- Oh.

1517
01:04:06,275 --> 01:04:07,811
Oh, sun.

1518
01:04:08,011 --> 01:04:10,753
Please, I don't know what we've done,
but please let us go.

1519
01:04:10,913 --> 01:04:13,291
After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary?

1520
01:04:13,449 --> 01:04:14,792
That was a misunderstanding.

1521
01:04:14,951 --> 01:04:16,897
I'm freezing!
Give us back cur clothes.

1522
01:04:17,053 --> 01:04:18,930
Yuri, warm them up.

1523
01:04:23,559 --> 01:04:25,664
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.

1524
01:04:25,828 --> 01:04:26,932
KUMAR:
Please don't do that.

1525
01:04:27,096 --> 01:04:30,407
Please, please, please.
There is a very serious gas crisis...

1526
01:04:30,566 --> 01:04:32,807
...in the world. Let's discuss.
- Came on, man!

1527
01:04:32,969 --> 01:04:35,745
As they say in my country:

1528
01:04:35,905 --> 01:04:37,009
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

1529
01:04:37,173 --> 01:04:38,652
No, don't say "do svidaniya."

1530
01:04:39,175 --> 01:04:40,347
Come on.

1531
01:04:43,479 --> 01:04:44,981
You didn't get the lighter.

1532
01:04:45,148 --> 01:04:48,595
You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee.

1533
01:04:48,751 --> 01:04:49,991
Nothing about lighter.

1534
01:04:50,286 --> 01:04:51,424
GUSTAV:
You stupid...

1535
01:04:51,587 --> 01:04:53,760
...fucking moron!

1536
01:04:53,956 --> 01:04:55,458
You're such a fuck-up!

1537
01:04:57,560 --> 01:04:58,265
Oh, sun.

1538
01:04:58,795 --> 01:05:00,172
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

1539
01:05:01,764 --> 01:05:02,902
[GUSTAV SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

1540
01:05:06,102 --> 01:05:07,080
Hey, guys, stop!

1541
01:05:07,236 --> 01:05:09,580
Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it.

1542
01:05:10,973 --> 01:05:14,284
Now, look, I understand that you guys
have your issues, okay?

1543
01:05:14,610 --> 01:05:18,581
But wasn't there a time you actually
used to get along? You might be in...

1544
01:05:18,748 --> 01:05:22,321
...a different time and place,
but that doesn't change the fact that you...

1545
01:05:22,485 --> 01:05:25,329
...have along and probably
beautiful history together.

1546
01:05:27,123 --> 01:05:30,730
Yeah, maybe one cf you fucks up
every new and again.

1547
01:05:31,194 --> 01:05:32,468
Happens.

1548
01:05:32,628 --> 01:05:35,040
Maybe he fucks up all the time.

1549
01:05:35,665 --> 01:05:38,339
Doesn't mean the other should
forget about the good times.

1550
01:05:38,734 --> 01:05:39,906
Right.

1551
01:05:41,971 --> 01:05:43,143
Right.

1552
01:05:43,306 --> 01:05:48,255
Yeah, and maybe just
because the other one...

1553
01:05:48,411 --> 01:05:50,288
...is trying to act like an adult...

1554
01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:53,154
...and be responsible
doesn't necessarily mean...

1555
01:05:53,316 --> 01:05:55,318
...that he's being a fucking chode.

1556
01:05:55,852 --> 01:05:59,459
Maybe he's been a chode,
caring more about bay windows...

1557
01:05:59,622 --> 01:06:02,068
...and sconces
than a lifetime cf friendship.

1558
01:06:04,227 --> 01:06:05,262
What do you say, guys?

1559
01:06:06,596 --> 01:06:08,598
[SOBBING]

1560
01:06:10,733 --> 01:06:12,371
- Yeah, hug it cut.
- All right.

1561
01:06:13,236 --> 01:06:13,771
Hey, guys.

1562
01:06:13,936 --> 01:06:15,711
How about you cut us cut?

1563
01:06:16,005 --> 01:06:18,042
We'll go get ourselves
a Christmas beer.

1564
01:06:18,207 --> 01:06:20,153
- A beer sounds great.
HAROLD: Awesome.

1565
01:06:20,543 --> 01:06:21,578
[CHUCKLES]

1566
01:06:21,744 --> 01:06:22,745
GUSTAV:
But first...

1567
01:06:22,912 --> 01:06:24,516
...we have some killing to do.

1568
01:06:24,680 --> 01:06:25,351
Come on!

1569
01:06:25,515 --> 01:06:27,256
After we just had that breakthrough?

1570
01:06:27,416 --> 01:06:30,727
Sorry. Say your goodbyes.
It'll all be over quick.

1571
01:06:33,055 --> 01:06:35,399
- Is this haw we die?
- I think so, dude.

1572
01:06:37,093 --> 01:06:38,094
Bye, Kumar.

1573
01:06:39,162 --> 01:06:40,539
Bye, Harold.

1574
01:06:41,063 --> 01:06:42,201
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.

1575
01:06:42,365 --> 01:06:43,571
Your waffles...

1576
01:06:43,733 --> 01:06:45,235
...are ready.
- WaffleBot?

1577
01:06:47,036 --> 01:06:49,448
These guys think pancakes
are better than waffles.

1578
01:06:49,739 --> 01:06:50,911
I hate...

1579
01:06:51,073 --> 01:06:52,677
...pancakes.

1580
01:06:56,679 --> 01:06:58,352
[GUN CLICKING]

1581
01:06:58,748 --> 01:07:00,250
They serve pancakes...

1582
01:07:00,416 --> 01:07:02,259
...in hell.

1583
01:07:04,153 --> 01:07:04,688
[SCREAM s]

1584
01:07:04,854 --> 01:07:05,389
Och!

1585
01:07:08,457 --> 01:07:09,663
BOTH:
Holy shit!

1586
01:07:09,825 --> 01:07:11,202
You hurt my brother!

1587
01:07:13,029 --> 01:07:14,133
[GROANS THEN YELLS]

1588
01:07:16,065 --> 01:07:16,736
[GRUNTS]

1589
01:07:16,899 --> 01:07:18,344
[BOTH LAUGH]

1590
01:07:18,534 --> 01:07:19,069
KUMAR:
Whoo!

1591
01:07:19,235 --> 01:07:20,077
[GRUNTS]

1592
01:07:20,236 --> 01:07:22,409
- How do we get cut cf these rapes?
- WaffleBot.

1593
01:07:22,572 --> 01:07:24,483
Kumar.

1594
01:07:24,941 --> 01:07:26,511
Can you untie us?

1595
01:07:26,709 --> 01:07:27,744
Battery low.

1596
01:07:27,910 --> 01:07:29,389
Losing...

1597
01:07:29,545 --> 01:07:30,683
power.

1598
01:07:30,846 --> 01:07:31,881
WaffleBot, lack at me.

1599
01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:33,118
You can do this, man.

1600
01:07:45,061 --> 01:07:47,940
- Ha, ha.
- Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot.

1601
01:07:48,631 --> 01:07:50,372
You're welcome, Kumar.

1602
01:07:50,533 --> 01:07:55,778
Pancakes are fucking gay.

1603
01:07:58,374 --> 01:08:01,184
Holy Shit. That is the best
Christmas toy ever.

1604
01:08:01,611 --> 01:08:03,284
HAROLD:
I guess. it's extraordinarily...

1605
01:08:03,446 --> 01:08:05,790
...unsafe, but it did save our lives.

1606
01:08:07,350 --> 01:08:08,920
- Listen, man, I--
- Man, this--

1607
01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:11,122
- Aah!
- Oh, my God.

1608
01:08:11,754 --> 01:08:13,324
Holy shit!

1609
01:08:14,023 --> 01:08:15,001
This is like that...

1610
01:08:15,157 --> 01:08:16,693
...scene from A Christmas Story.

1611
01:08:16,859 --> 01:08:18,998
Is it like the scene from
A Christmas Story?

1612
01:08:19,161 --> 01:08:20,538
I just saw this scene.

1613
01:08:20,696 --> 01:08:21,367
[HAROLD GRUNTING]

1614
01:08:21,631 --> 01:08:23,633
- Oh, fuck!
- Okay, we need...

1615
01:08:23,799 --> 01:08:26,336
...same sort cf a warm liquid.
I'll spit on it.

1616
01:08:26,502 --> 01:08:28,243
Don't fucking spit on my dick!

1617
01:08:28,404 --> 01:08:29,644
Fine. Can you pee on it?

1618
01:08:29,905 --> 01:08:31,350
Give me a second.

1619
01:08:32,141 --> 01:08:34,052
-It's not working.
- Fine, I'll pee on it.

1620
01:08:34,210 --> 01:08:35,280
Don't pee on me!

1621
01:08:35,444 --> 01:08:36,923
Jesus! Well, then what the hell do--?

1622
01:08:37,079 --> 01:08:39,423
- Oh. Our clothes.
- Oh.

1623
01:08:39,582 --> 01:08:40,890
Cool about the clothes.

1624
01:08:41,050 --> 01:08:42,893
My dick's stuck to a pale!

1625
01:08:45,254 --> 01:08:47,757
Dude, you're in luck.
There's still coffee in here.

1626
01:08:47,923 --> 01:08:49,630
Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up!

1627
01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:51,999
Okay, lock, this is scalding hat coffee.

1628
01:08:52,161 --> 01:08:55,904
Sc I'm just gonna pour a little bit on.
Probably gonna sting for a second.

1629
01:08:56,065 --> 01:08:57,476
- Get it over with!
- All right.

1630
01:08:57,667 --> 01:08:58,805
Just let me just--

1631
01:08:59,535 --> 01:09:00,445
[SCREAMING]

1632
01:09:00,670 --> 01:09:01,546
- I'm sorry.
- Fuck!

1633
01:09:01,704 --> 01:09:02,910
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude!

1634
01:09:03,072 --> 01:09:04,551
Oh, God, I ruined your dick!

1635
01:09:04,707 --> 01:09:05,879
You asshole!

1636
01:09:06,042 --> 01:09:07,350
Just Walk it off.

1637
01:09:07,510 --> 01:09:09,046
Walk it off.

1638
01:09:12,982 --> 01:09:14,984
[WHISPERS] How lang are we supposed
to stay in here?

1639
01:09:15,184 --> 01:09:17,824
TODD [WHISPERS]:
Until that fucking Russian sociopathic...

1640
01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:19,261
...killing machine leaves.

1641
01:09:22,825 --> 01:09:25,237
They gave my daughter ecstasy.

1642
01:09:25,461 --> 01:09:26,701
[IN RUSSIAN]

1643
01:09:26,862 --> 01:09:29,240
I don't know Russian,
but he seems a little upset.

1644
01:09:29,398 --> 01:09:30,843
I'd say so. Shh, shh!

1645
01:09:31,200 --> 01:09:32,406
ADRIAN:
She's crashing hard.

1646
01:09:32,568 --> 01:09:34,172
We gotta give her more blow.

1647
01:09:34,337 --> 01:09:35,611
No, no! No more cocaine!

1648
01:09:35,771 --> 01:09:36,647
I need it!

1649
01:09:36,806 --> 01:09:38,843
- There's some.
- Dc not give her mare!

1650
01:09:39,008 --> 01:09:40,078
Give it to me!

1651
01:09:40,242 --> 01:09:41,312
TODD:
Ava, no! No, please!

1652
01:09:41,477 --> 01:09:42,979
Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please!

1653
01:09:43,446 --> 01:09:44,618
ADRIAN:
Dude, lock.

1654
01:09:44,780 --> 01:09:45,758
Oh, this is not good!

1655
01:09:45,915 --> 01:09:47,019
Oh, this is not good.

1656
01:09:47,216 --> 01:09:48,251
Oh, this is not good!

1657
01:09:48,751 --> 01:09:51,095
Ava! Scooch to Daddy!
Hide behind Daddy!

1658
01:09:51,253 --> 01:09:53,460
ADRIAN:
New plan. Let's bash through the door.

1659
01:09:53,622 --> 01:09:54,623
You steal his gun.

1660
01:09:54,790 --> 01:09:56,770
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!

1661
01:10:10,940 --> 01:10:11,611
[SNIFFS]

1662
01:10:14,143 --> 01:10:15,213
[GRUNTS]

1663
01:10:18,547 --> 01:10:19,252
TODD:
Yah!

1664
01:10:20,049 --> 01:10:22,461
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, fuck me. Fuck. I'm--

1665
01:10:24,053 --> 01:10:25,361
I'm so sorry. Wow.

1666
01:10:25,521 --> 01:10:28,127
I thought that would
knock you out, obviously.

1667
01:10:28,290 --> 01:10:29,462
Lack. We are...

1668
01:10:29,625 --> 01:10:30,899
...two reasonable guys...

1669
01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,767
...and...

1670
01:10:32,928 --> 01:10:34,271
[OBJECT THUMPS]

1671
01:10:35,064 --> 01:10:35,838
[THUDS]

1672
01:10:37,533 --> 01:10:40,343
These are dangerous,
but, aw, it's a great workout.

1673
01:10:40,503 --> 01:10:42,483
You can really feel it.

1674
01:10:42,638 --> 01:10:45,380
Bis, pecs, this one.

1675
01:10:45,641 --> 01:10:47,211
TODD:
Thank you, Adrian.

1676
01:10:47,376 --> 01:10:49,219
That was a really great team effort.

1677
01:10:49,378 --> 01:10:51,187
Who's my sidekick? You are.

1678
01:10:51,347 --> 01:10:51,950
Let's go.

1679
01:10:52,114 --> 01:10:54,993
Good girl! Let's go home!
Let's go see Santa.

1680
01:10:55,418 --> 01:10:56,158
Oh, mints!

1681
01:10:58,254 --> 01:10:58,994
Mm.

1682
01:11:01,157 --> 01:11:02,659
HAROLD:
Where the fuck are we?

1683
01:11:02,825 --> 01:11:05,533
Those guys weren't kidding.
We're in the middle cf nowhere.

1684
01:11:07,196 --> 01:11:08,300
Dc you have any bars?

1685
01:11:08,731 --> 01:11:10,870
- I get no bars.
- Shit. Nothing here.

1686
01:11:11,300 --> 01:11:12,574
Hello?

1687
01:11:14,203 --> 01:11:15,876
Anybody here?

1688
01:11:16,605 --> 01:11:17,879
Forget it. Just--

1689
01:11:18,340 --> 01:11:19,717
Forget it. it's past 2 a.m.

1690
01:11:19,875 --> 01:11:22,719
They're home, wandering where I am,
where the tree is.

1691
01:11:22,878 --> 01:11:24,050
I just--

1692
01:11:24,847 --> 01:11:26,918
it's such a disaster, this fucking night.

1693
01:11:27,082 --> 01:11:29,062
Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude.

1694
01:11:29,218 --> 01:11:30,458
No. When Maria's dad...

1695
01:11:30,619 --> 01:11:33,122
...was a young boy in Medellin--
- Vanessa's pregnant.

1696
01:11:33,522 --> 01:11:34,728
What?

1697
01:11:34,890 --> 01:11:37,632
She told me earlier today.
My reaction was not awesome.

1698
01:11:38,461 --> 01:11:41,067
I thought weed stunted fertility.
That's why I quit.

1699
01:11:41,230 --> 01:11:43,642
Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids.

1700
01:11:43,833 --> 01:11:45,938
Wait a second,
that's why you quit weed?

1701
01:11:46,202 --> 01:11:47,647
Yeah, that's why I--

1702
01:11:49,104 --> 01:11:52,574
We've been trying for like a ...
For a year.

1703
01:11:52,741 --> 01:11:54,049
Oh, man.

1704
01:11:54,210 --> 01:11:56,349
Now I feel even worse about your dick.

1705
01:11:56,545 --> 01:11:57,785
I don't wanna--

1706
01:11:57,947 --> 01:11:59,051
How do we get cut?

1707
01:12:01,717 --> 01:12:02,718
I get an idea.

1708
01:12:05,554 --> 01:12:07,090
I saw this in a movie, man.

1709
01:12:07,256 --> 01:12:09,634
Just shoot this motherfucker,
people come.

1710
01:12:09,792 --> 01:12:10,793
We can find people.

1711
01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:13,270
No, it's fine. Aah!

1712
01:12:17,266 --> 01:12:17,971
Now what?

1713
01:12:18,634 --> 01:12:19,772
I don't know.

1714
01:12:20,469 --> 01:12:21,812
[MAN GROANING]

1715
01:12:23,639 --> 01:12:24,982
No fucking way.

1716
01:12:35,451 --> 01:12:36,794
Santa, can you hear me?

1717
01:12:36,952 --> 01:12:38,431
Oh, what the fuck?

1718
01:12:38,587 --> 01:12:42,091
Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident.
I'm gonna take a closer lock.

1719
01:12:44,026 --> 01:12:44,663
Oh, God!

1720
01:12:44,827 --> 01:12:45,669
This isn't good.

1721
01:12:45,828 --> 01:12:47,171
Mr. Claus, can you feel...

1722
01:12:47,329 --> 01:12:47,898
...any cf this?

1723
01:12:48,063 --> 01:12:49,167
[BOTH YELL]

1724
01:12:49,632 --> 01:12:51,134
SANTA:
Just let me die, please!

1725
01:12:51,300 --> 01:12:52,677
Let me die in peace!

1726
01:12:52,835 --> 01:12:55,509
No. Nobody's dying, Claus.
Not on my watch.

1727
01:12:55,671 --> 01:12:58,345
Listen to me. I need you to go
into Santa's gift bag...

1728
01:12:58,507 --> 01:13:00,714
...get as many medical supplies
as you can.

1729
01:13:11,186 --> 01:13:12,290
Oh, God!

1730
01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:15,361
Aah!

1731
01:13:18,294 --> 01:13:19,739
KUMAR:
Ah, there.

1732
01:13:20,062 --> 01:13:21,234
I think that'll do it.

1733
01:13:21,463 --> 01:13:22,737
How do you feel, Mr. Claus?

1734
01:13:22,932 --> 01:13:24,809
Uh, a little woozy.

1735
01:13:24,967 --> 01:13:26,571
The morphine. It'll wear off.

1736
01:13:26,735 --> 01:13:28,942
Nice. But I...

1737
01:13:29,104 --> 01:13:30,082
...think I'm okay.

1738
01:13:30,239 --> 01:13:33,448
Lack, Santa, we're so sorry.

1739
01:13:33,609 --> 01:13:35,885
Oh, I know it wasn't your fault.

1740
01:13:36,045 --> 01:13:38,286
You two have always been good boys.

1741
01:13:39,081 --> 01:13:40,685
Tell that to my father-in-law.

1742
01:13:40,849 --> 01:13:43,659
Hey, man, I can take the blame
for that, all right?

1743
01:13:43,819 --> 01:13:45,890
Listen, I'd love to stay and chat...

1744
01:13:46,055 --> 01:13:49,127
...but I'm running a little late
and I have all these...

1745
01:13:49,291 --> 01:13:51,168
...presents to deliver.

1746
01:13:51,327 --> 01:13:53,329
So you guys need a ride
or something?

1747
01:13:53,829 --> 01:13:54,967
Seriously?

1748
01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,672
KUMAR:
Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!

1749
01:13:57,833 --> 01:13:59,540
It's not not awesome!

1750
01:14:00,169 --> 01:14:01,477
On, Blitzen! Hyah!

1751
01:14:02,071 --> 01:14:03,311
[SANTA CHUCKLES]

1752
01:14:04,073 --> 01:14:05,746
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]

1753
01:14:13,282 --> 01:14:14,784
[SANTA CHUCKLES]

1754
01:14:17,419 --> 01:14:18,591
Thanks for the ride.

1755
01:14:19,254 --> 01:14:20,028
I'm guessing...

1756
01:14:20,189 --> 01:14:22,362
...you don't have a 12-fact Fraser fir?

1757
01:14:22,625 --> 01:14:24,127
Sorry. I can't help you there.

1758
01:14:24,627 --> 01:14:25,367
Besides...

1759
01:14:25,527 --> 01:14:27,029
...I gave you your present.

1760
01:14:27,196 --> 01:14:28,869
- You did?
SANTA: Yes.

1761
01:14:29,031 --> 01:14:30,271
You get my package, right?

1762
01:14:30,432 --> 01:14:31,103
The joint?

1763
01:14:31,634 --> 01:14:32,874
- That was you?
SANTA: Yeah.

1764
01:14:33,035 --> 01:14:35,777
It was my little way cf bringing
you bays back together.

1765
01:14:38,540 --> 01:14:39,109
Dude...

1766
01:14:39,408 --> 01:14:41,649
...I'd really like it
if you came over tomorrow.

1767
01:14:41,877 --> 01:14:43,618
Won't be a party unless you're there.

1768
01:14:43,779 --> 01:14:45,918
It's about fucking time, Roldy.

1769
01:14:46,315 --> 01:14:48,056
I wouldn't miss it, man.

1770
01:14:51,820 --> 01:14:54,562
By the way, for what it's worth...

1771
01:14:55,024 --> 01:14:56,401
...you'd make a great dad.

1772
01:14:57,893 --> 01:14:58,667
SANTA:
Well, I guess...

1773
01:14:58,827 --> 01:15:01,034
...this is goodbye, Roldy.
Be a good bay...

1774
01:15:01,196 --> 01:15:02,106
...next year.

1775
01:15:02,264 --> 01:15:03,265
All right.

1776
01:15:03,432 --> 01:15:06,470
No more jerking off into a sack
filled with baby powder.

1777
01:15:06,802 --> 01:15:09,476
.L..
SANTA: Ha, ha. Don't worry.

1778
01:15:09,638 --> 01:15:11,242
I'm just teasing you.

1779
01:15:11,407 --> 01:15:12,750
I do it too.

1780
01:15:12,908 --> 01:15:13,579
[LAUGHS]

1781
01:15:16,245 --> 01:15:21,160
On, Prancer! On, Comet!
On, Blitzen! Hyah!

1782
01:15:21,950 --> 01:15:22,894


1783
01:15:23,786 --> 01:15:25,766
Merry Christmas, Roldy!

1784
01:15:37,066 --> 01:15:38,204
MR. PEREZ:
Where's the tree?

1785
01:15:44,373 --> 01:15:45,113
It's, um ...

1786
01:15:45,774 --> 01:15:47,879
Okay, what happened is that, um ...

1787
01:15:48,811 --> 01:15:50,188
You said you were going to...

1788
01:15:50,345 --> 01:15:52,951
...take care cf it.
Now where's the tree?

1789
01:15:53,115 --> 01:15:55,618
What happened to the tree is, uh...

1790
01:15:56,585 --> 01:15:58,030
...I kind cf burned it dawn.

1791
01:16:00,022 --> 01:16:01,865
That tree was a Perez...

1792
01:16:02,024 --> 01:16:03,697
...family tradition.

1793
01:16:03,859 --> 01:16:05,805
You ruined Christmas!

1794
01:16:06,095 --> 01:16:08,234
Ha, ha. I ruined your--?

1795
01:16:08,397 --> 01:16:09,899
You ruined my Christmas, man!

1796
01:16:10,365 --> 01:16:12,675
Heh, heh. Dc you know what happened?

1797
01:16:12,835 --> 01:16:16,510
Uh, I inadvertently introduced
a baby to cocaine.

1798
01:16:16,672 --> 01:16:20,210
I was almost burned alive
by Ukrainian gangsters.

1799
01:16:20,375 --> 01:16:21,911
I was drugged by...

1800
01:16:22,077 --> 01:16:25,251
...asshole teenagers. Then I danced
in a Christmas extravaganza.

1801
01:16:25,414 --> 01:16:27,360
And I'm a terrible dancer.

1802
01:16:27,516 --> 01:16:29,052
I almost had my dick ripped off.

1803
01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:30,590
And then I shot...

1804
01:16:30,753 --> 01:16:34,530
...Santa Claus in the fucking face.
He's real, and I shot him in the face.

1805
01:16:34,690 --> 01:16:35,430
Why?

1806
01:16:36,525 --> 01:16:37,731
Because I wanted you...

1807
01:16:37,893 --> 01:16:40,567
...to have a perfect
fucking Christmas.

1808
01:16:40,996 --> 01:16:42,498
Now, here's a newsflash:

1809
01:16:42,664 --> 01:16:44,644
This is my house.

1810
01:16:44,800 --> 01:16:46,871
Maria is my wife.

1811
01:16:47,035 --> 01:16:50,016
And if you want to be in our family...

1812
01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:52,843
...you best show me some
fucking respect.

1813
01:16:55,511 --> 01:16:56,751
Is that too much?

1814
01:16:59,281 --> 01:17:00,282
I like it.

1815
01:17:00,449 --> 01:17:01,860
- Really?
- Lack.

1816
01:17:02,217 --> 01:17:04,288
I always knew you were a nice guy.

1817
01:17:04,553 --> 01:17:06,931
But that's not enough
to be with my Maria.

1818
01:17:07,089 --> 01:17:08,432
I didn't want her to be...

1819
01:17:08,590 --> 01:17:10,228
...with some wimpy pussy.

1820
01:17:11,226 --> 01:17:12,170
But you ...

1821
01:17:12,327 --> 01:17:14,170
You showed me you get cojones.

1822
01:17:14,329 --> 01:17:15,239
Testicles, right?

1823
01:17:16,565 --> 01:17:17,543
Rosetta Stone.

1824
01:17:18,867 --> 01:17:20,403
- You know what?
- What's that?

1825
01:17:20,803 --> 01:17:22,282
This coming Easter...

1826
01:17:23,739 --> 01:17:25,480
...you guys came to my house.

1827
01:17:25,674 --> 01:17:28,883
That would really be great.
Thank you, Carlos.

1828
01:17:29,044 --> 01:17:29,749
Mr. Perez.

1829
01:17:29,912 --> 01:17:30,982
Mr. Perez.

1830
01:17:31,146 --> 01:17:32,147
[GULPS]

1831
01:17:44,459 --> 01:17:45,631
KUMAR:
Fuck!

1832
01:17:46,695 --> 01:17:47,298
Kumar!

1833
01:17:47,462 --> 01:17:48,440
Jesus!

1834
01:17:48,597 --> 01:17:52,909
I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell
but I didn't want to wake your parents.

1835
01:17:53,068 --> 01:17:55,344
What--? What are you doing?
You can't just--

1836
01:17:55,504 --> 01:17:56,847
Hold on. There's something...

1837
01:17:57,005 --> 01:17:58,416
...I need to say to you, okay?

1838
01:17:58,574 --> 01:18:01,987
When you told me you were pregnant,
I admit I was scared as shit.

1839
01:18:02,511 --> 01:18:04,821
The more I think about it,
the more excited I am.

1840
01:18:05,280 --> 01:18:06,816
I mean, I love kids.

1841
01:18:07,216 --> 01:18:08,752
That's because you are a kid.

1842
01:18:08,917 --> 01:18:12,694
I know. But ... Lack, if you
give me another chance...

1843
01:18:12,855 --> 01:18:17,361
...I promise you I will go back to the
medical board, I'll get my job back.

1844
01:18:17,526 --> 01:18:19,199
I'll even quit weed if I have to.

1845
01:18:19,361 --> 01:18:20,601
You'd quit weed?

1846
01:18:20,762 --> 01:18:23,368
Of course. I would do anything for you.

1847
01:18:23,532 --> 01:18:26,342
When I saw what Harold did
for his family tonight...

1848
01:18:26,501 --> 01:18:28,811
...it made me realize
haw important you are to me.

1849
01:18:28,971 --> 01:18:31,474
I wish I would've realized that sooner.

1850
01:18:31,840 --> 01:18:33,319
You don't have to do this.

1851
01:18:34,276 --> 01:18:36,017
I know I don't have to.

1852
01:18:36,845 --> 01:18:38,188
I want to.

1853
01:18:43,952 --> 01:18:45,022
Dc me a favor.

1854
01:18:45,187 --> 01:18:46,291
Yeah, anything.

1855
01:18:48,790 --> 01:18:50,133
Don't quit weed.

1856
01:18:50,292 --> 01:18:51,566
What?

1857
01:18:51,760 --> 01:18:54,570
Just remember,
next time you take a drug test...

1858
01:18:54,763 --> 01:18:55,901
...use my pee.

1859
01:18:56,899 --> 01:18:58,037
I love you.

1860
01:18:58,500 --> 01:18:59,808
I love you too.

1861
01:19:04,473 --> 01:19:06,919
Let's have some sex
before you get all fat on me.

1862
01:19:07,075 --> 01:19:08,281
[VANESSA CHUCKLING]

1863
01:19:22,024 --> 01:19:23,833
MARIA:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

1864
01:19:23,992 --> 01:19:25,938
Harold! Wake up! Baby.

1865
01:19:27,429 --> 01:19:29,602
-It's pink.
- Oh, my God.

1866
01:19:29,798 --> 01:19:31,937
-It's pink.
-It's a miracle.

1867
01:19:32,701 --> 01:19:33,736
It's a miracle.

1868
01:19:33,902 --> 01:19:34,937
[MR. PEREZ SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

1869
01:19:35,103 --> 01:19:36,207
MR. PEREZ:
it's a miracle!

1870
01:19:36,371 --> 01:19:37,611
It's a miracle!

1871
01:19:38,073 --> 01:19:40,713
Isn't this the most beautiful tree
you've ever seen?

1872
01:19:41,176 --> 01:19:43,247
I came downstairs this morning...

1873
01:19:43,412 --> 01:19:44,891
...and here she was.

1874
01:19:49,184 --> 01:19:50,390
God bless us, everyone!

1875
01:19:51,086 --> 01:19:52,656
[ALL GASP]

1876
01:19:54,523 --> 01:19:56,833
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

1877
01:21:08,697 --> 01:21:12,110
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

1878
01:21:12,267 --> 01:21:13,940
[LAUGHS]

1879
01:21:18,502 --> 01:21:22,604
<font color="#00ff40">###--- TERIMA KASIH KERANA MUATTURUN ---></font>