1
00:00:33,368 --> 00:00:37,247
<i> It has been said that
magic vanished from our world</i>

2
00:00:37,330 --> 00:00:38,665
<i>a long time ago,</i>

3
00:00:38,831 --> 00:00:42,710
<i>and that humanity can no
longer fulfill its desires</i>

4
00:00:42,794 --> 00:00:44,837
<i>through the power of wishes.</i>

5
00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:49,008
<i>To those who have lost the
wondrous vision of childhood eyes,</i>

6
00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:52,929
<i>submitted here is
the story of a little boy</i>

7
00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:55,431
<i>and a magical
Christmas wish</i>

8
00:00:55,515 --> 00:00:58,560
<i>that changed
his life forever.</i>

9
00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:06,150
<i>It began in 1985, in a
town just outside Boston.</i>

10
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:12,282
<i>It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits.</i>

11
00:01:12,365 --> 00:01:14,450
<i>That special time of year</i>

12
00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:16,786
<i>when Boston children
gather together</i>

13
00:01:16,953 --> 00:01:18,705
<i>and beat up the Jewish kids.</i>

14
00:01:18,830 --> 00:01:19,998
Hey, Greenbaum!

15
00:01:20,290 --> 00:01:21,291
Uh-oh.

16
00:01:21,374 --> 00:01:22,375
Get him!

17
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:30,425
<i>But there was one child who
wasn't in such good spirits.</i>

18
00:01:30,508 --> 00:01:32,260
<i>Little John Bennett,</i>

19
00:01:32,343 --> 00:01:34,512
<i>that one boy in
every neighborhood</i>

20
00:01:34,596 --> 00:01:37,307
<i>who just has a tough time
making friends.</i>

21
00:01:37,682 --> 00:01:39,225
Hey, guys, can I play?

22
00:01:39,309 --> 00:01:40,435
Get out of here, Bennett.

23
00:01:40,518 --> 00:01:41,561
Get lost, Bennett!

24
00:01:41,644 --> 00:01:42,604
Get out of here, Bennett!

25
00:01:42,687 --> 00:01:44,188
Yeah, Bennett,
get lost.

26
00:01:47,317 --> 00:01:49,694
<i>John longed
with all his heart</i>

27
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,989
<i>for that one, true friend
that he could call his own.</i>

28
00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:57,285
<i>And he knew that if he
ever found that friend,</i>

29
00:01:57,368 --> 00:01:59,412
<i>he would never let him go.</i>

30
00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:06,210
<i>Well, as it does every year,
Christmas morning finally came.</i>

31
00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:10,548
<i>All the children were opening
their gifts with holiday glee.</i>

32
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:20,058
<i>And for little John Bennett,</i>

33
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:24,729
<i>Christmas Day brought a
very special new arrival.</i>

34
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,611
Wow!

35
00:02:31,694 --> 00:02:34,405
I guess Santa paid attention to
how good you were this year, huh?

36
00:02:34,489 --> 00:02:36,407
Aw! Merry Christmas, John.

37
00:02:37,492 --> 00:02:38,618
<i>I love you!</i>

38
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:40,620
He talks!

39
00:02:42,121 --> 00:02:44,374
I'm going to
name you Teddy.

40
00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:50,171
<i> John became
instantly attached to Teddy.</i>

41
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:52,799
<i>There was something
about that bear</i>

42
00:02:52,882 --> 00:02:56,344
<i>that made him feel as if
he finally had a friend</i>

43
00:02:56,427 --> 00:02:59,806
<i>with whom he could share
his deepest secrets.</i>

44
00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:01,307
<i>I love you!</i>

45
00:03:01,933 --> 00:03:03,935
I love you, too, Teddy.

46
00:03:04,769 --> 00:03:08,564
You know, I wish you
could really talk to me.

47
00:03:08,731 --> 00:03:12,902
Because then, we could be best
friends forever and ever.

48
00:03:13,903 --> 00:03:16,989
<i>Now, if there's one
thing you can be sure of,</i>

49
00:03:17,073 --> 00:03:21,828
<i>it's that nothing is more
powerful than a young boy's wish.</i>

50
00:03:22,412 --> 00:03:24,539
<i>Except an Apache helicopter.</i>

51
00:03:24,622 --> 00:03:28,126
<i>An Apache helicopter has
machine guns and missiles.</i>

52
00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:31,879
<i>It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry,</i>

53
00:03:31,963 --> 00:03:34,924
<i>an absolute death machine.</i>

54
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,552
<i>Well, as it turned out,</i>

55
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:41,097
<i>John picked the perfect
night to make a wish.</i>

56
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:19,969
Teddy?

57
00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,099
Teddy?

58
00:04:29,562 --> 00:04:30,646
Teddy?

59
00:04:39,071 --> 00:04:40,156
Hug me.

60
00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,576
You're my best friend, John.

61
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:46,412
Did you...
Did you just talk?

62
00:04:46,496 --> 00:04:47,955
Don't look so surprised.

63
00:04:48,039 --> 00:04:50,124
You're the one who wished
for it, aren't you?

64
00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:54,337
Yeah.
I did wish for it.

65
00:04:54,629 --> 00:04:56,297
Well, here I am.

66
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:59,425
You mean, we get to be
best friends for real?

67
00:04:59,509 --> 00:05:00,843
For real.

68
00:05:01,052 --> 00:05:02,303
Forever and ever?

69
00:05:02,595 --> 00:05:03,888
Sounds good to me.

70
00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:08,851
<i>John was just about
the happiest boy in the world</i>

71
00:05:08,935 --> 00:05:12,438
<i>and he couldn't wait to tell
everyone the good news.</i>

72
00:05:12,772 --> 00:05:15,566
Mom, Dad, guess what?
My teddy bear's alive!

73
00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:18,653
Really? Well, isn't
that exciting.

74
00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:21,113
No, Mom, he's really alive.
Look.

75
00:05:21,823 --> 00:05:23,658
Merry Christmas,
everybody.

76
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:26,494
Jesus H. Fuck!

77
00:05:26,744 --> 00:05:28,204
Let's all be best friends.

78
00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:29,288
Oh, my God!

79
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:31,374
John, get away from that thing.
Get over here right now.

80
00:05:31,457 --> 00:05:32,959
But, Dad...
Get over here!

81
00:05:33,251 --> 00:05:34,585
Listen to your father!
Come here!

82
00:05:34,669 --> 00:05:36,546
Helen, get my gun.
Dad, no!

83
00:05:36,629 --> 00:05:37,797
Is it a hugging gun?

84
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,465
Helen, get my gun,
and call the police!

85
00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:42,802
I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett, I
didn't mean to scare anybody.

86
00:05:42,969 --> 00:05:45,054
I just wanted John
and I to be friends.

87
00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:48,599
Yeah, Dad, I made a wish last
night that Teddy was alive

88
00:05:48,683 --> 00:05:49,976
and my wish came true.

89
00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:53,437
Oh, my God!

90
00:05:54,689 --> 00:05:56,315
It's a miracle.

91
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:59,777
It's a Christmas miracle.

92
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:03,114
You're just like
the Baby Jesus.

93
00:06:03,698 --> 00:06:07,785
<i>Well, it wasn't long before
the story of John's little miracle</i>

94
00:06:07,869 --> 00:06:09,620
<i>was sweeping the nation.</i>

95
00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:11,038
Out of a Boston suburb

96
00:06:11,122 --> 00:06:13,916
comes what is, without a doubt,
the most incredible story...

97
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:15,877
A young boy's stuffed animal

98
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,588
has magically come to life for,
as yet, unknown reasons...

99
00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:23,342
Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!

100
00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:27,555
<i>Before long, Teddy
had become a huge celebrity</i>

101
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,056
<i>in his own right.</i>

102
00:06:34,312 --> 00:06:35,479
Hello, Teddy.

103
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:42,403
You... you are a...
You surprise me.

104
00:06:43,029 --> 00:06:45,239
For some reason I thought you
were going to be taller.

105
00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:47,742
I thought you were
going to be funnier.

106
00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,789
<i>But through
all the fame,</i>

107
00:06:53,873 --> 00:06:57,960
<i>Teddy never forgot
his very best friend, John.</i>

108
00:06:58,044 --> 00:07:00,671
The thunder
can't get us, right?

109
00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:04,425
Nope, we're thunder buddies,
and the thunder knows it.

110
00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:06,010
We're totally safe.

111
00:07:06,969 --> 00:07:07,970
Teddy?

112
00:07:08,304 --> 00:07:09,305
Yeah, John?

113
00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:12,058
Do you promise we'll
always be together?

114
00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:14,101
I promise.

115
00:07:16,687 --> 00:07:19,023
Thunder buddies for life.

116
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:22,151
Thunder buddies for life.

117
00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:28,574
<i>And that was a promise that
neither one of them ever forgot.</i>

118
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:32,620
<i>So, where are
John and Teddy today?</i>

119
00:07:32,703 --> 00:07:34,789
<i>Well, let me
put it this way.</i>

120
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:38,084
<i>No matter how big a splash
you make in this world,</i>

121
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:42,088
<i>whether you're Corey Feldman,
Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,</i>

122
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:44,006
<i>or a talking teddy bear,</i>

123
00:07:44,090 --> 00:07:46,717
<i>eventually,
nobody gives a shit.</i>

124
00:10:20,246 --> 00:10:22,039
<i>Do I dare look
at the clock?</i>

125
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:26,168
Look, all I'm saying is that
Boston women are, on the whole,

126
00:10:26,252 --> 00:10:29,630
a paler, uglier sort than women
from the elsewheres of life.

127
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,382
That's bullshit. What about Lori?
She's hot.

128
00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:33,551
No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.
That's not a Boston girl.

129
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:34,718
They're not that bad.

130
00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:37,138
See, the fact that you have
to say they're not that bad

131
00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:38,556
means that
they are that bad.

132
00:10:38,848 --> 00:10:40,933
Did you ever hear a Boston
girl have an orgasm?

133
00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:45,354
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
Harder! Harder!

134
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,356
Oh, God,
that was so good!

135
00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:50,651
Now I'm going to stuff my fucking
face with Pepperidge Farm!

136
00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:55,447
Jesus, this is weak.

137
00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:59,118
It's not even getting me high. I got
to have a talk with my weed guy.

138
00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:00,202
It's working for me.

139
00:11:00,286 --> 00:11:01,871
I think it sucks. I'm going
to have a talk with him.

140
00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:04,206
I don't know that you want to go
to a drug dealer with complaints.

141
00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:07,209
No. I know this guy a long time.
I've known him since 9/11.

142
00:11:07,293 --> 00:11:09,962
You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11.
I got to get high."

143
00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:11,839
Is it 9:30?
Yeah.

144
00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:13,465
Shit, I got to
get to work!

145
00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,259
I don't know
if I can drive!

146
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,553
It's okay, I'll drive you.
I feel fine.

147
00:11:40,284 --> 00:11:42,286
Fuck!
Shit.

148
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,412
Oh, man!

149
00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:47,082
Johnny, I'm sorry, man. That
car just came out of nowhere.

150
00:11:47,208 --> 00:11:48,626
God, is it bad?

151
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:50,753
Oh, man!

152
00:11:51,295 --> 00:11:54,465
John! May I speak
with you, please?

153
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:55,549
Shit.

154
00:11:55,633 --> 00:11:57,051
It's all right, go, go, go.
I'll pull out of here.

155
00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:58,344
Hi, Thomas, how are you?

156
00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:13,192
Asshole!

157
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,736
That's my bad.
I was sending a tweet.

158
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:19,907
John, it's almost 10:00.

159
00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,660
I know, sir, I'm sorry.
It wasn't my fault.

160
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:24,662
What do you mean?

161
00:12:27,957 --> 00:12:31,335
I guess I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.

162
00:12:32,253 --> 00:12:34,838
John, all you got to do
is not fuck up

163
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,424
and you get my job when I
go to corporate next month.

164
00:12:37,508 --> 00:12:39,176
You're the new
branch manager.

165
00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:41,262
All you've got to do
is not fuck up.

166
00:12:41,345 --> 00:12:42,846
I realize that.
Good.

167
00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:44,890
Glad to hear it.

168
00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:48,727
Because in a month,
my life could be your life.

169
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:51,772
A cushy, $38,000-a-year
branch manager

170
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,942
who's personal friends
with Tom Skerritt.

171
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:56,652
Not a bad life, is it?

172
00:12:57,194 --> 00:12:58,362
No.

173
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,282
I'm going to show you something
that I don't like to show people

174
00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:04,118
because I don't want them
treating me differently.

175
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,123
Boom.
That's me and Skerritt.

176
00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:10,416
Wow.

177
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:12,126
Goddamn right, "Wow."

178
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:14,128
I'm gonna dock you
for dinging the car

179
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,671
and for showing up
late today, all right?

180
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:17,923
Try and be a little more
responsible tomorrow.

181
00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:19,591
I will, sir, I promise.

182
00:13:21,010 --> 00:13:22,261
I'm not going to
let you down, Goose.

183
00:13:23,137 --> 00:13:24,138
What?

184
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:25,806
<i>Top Gun.</i>

185
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,516
So?

186
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:29,226
Tom Skerritt.

187
00:13:30,144 --> 00:13:31,395
I know that.

188
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:32,646
Get out of here, okay?

189
00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:33,814
Thank you, sir.

190
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,817
All right, here's your keys,
your rental agreement,

191
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,610
complimentary
map of Boston.

192
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:41,238
Thank you for choosing Liberty.
Drive safely.

193
00:13:41,322 --> 00:13:43,073
Thanks.
Thanks so much.

194
00:13:44,575 --> 00:13:45,909
I heard you got busted.

195
00:13:46,744 --> 00:13:49,038
Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, man.
What happened?

196
00:13:49,288 --> 00:13:52,291
I don't know, I got fucking
wasted last night.

197
00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:56,128
My phone says I texted someone at
3:15, asking them to beat me up.

198
00:13:56,545 --> 00:14:00,257
And then, at 4:30, I texted the
same person saying, "Thanks."

199
00:14:00,466 --> 00:14:01,467
And you don't remember it?

200
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:02,843
No, same as last time.

201
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,095
It just seems kind
of gay, doesn't it?

202
00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:07,097
I don't know.
Maybe, yeah.

203
00:14:07,181 --> 00:14:09,600
Well, do you think you're part
of some gay beat-up underworld?

204
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:11,685
Like one of those gay
beat-up clubs or something?

205
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,520
I don't know.
I dig chicks, man.

206
00:14:13,604 --> 00:14:15,522
I don't remember any of it.
I was so fucked up.

207
00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:16,732
I might be gay,
I don't know.

208
00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:18,400
Do you mind covering
for me for a bit?

209
00:14:18,484 --> 00:14:20,027
I might go lay down
in the John.

210
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:21,695
Hey, buddies.
Where is it hanging?

211
00:14:21,779 --> 00:14:23,364
Hey, Alix, what's up? You
get in the club last night?

212
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:26,992
I didn't get in because
the bouncer was douche-face.

213
00:14:27,076 --> 00:14:28,452
But I made friends
in the line.

214
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:29,828
That's good, I guess.

215
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,539
Hey, guys, anybody
know a nice restaurant,

216
00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:33,624
like something
where they give out

217
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:34,958
free bubblegum
in the bathrooms?

218
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:36,168
For what?

219
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:37,711
Lori and I have been dating
four years tomorrow.

220
00:14:37,795 --> 00:14:39,463
I want to take her
someplace really nice.

221
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,256
Aw, congratulations, John.

222
00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:43,133
You guys have been
going out for four years?

223
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,219
My longest relationship
was like six months

224
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:46,762
and then she farted
in her sleep.

225
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,598
I'm like, "I'm out of here, man."
I was gone before she woke up.

226
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:51,809
You're not
very tolerant, huh?

227
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,310
Lori ever fart
in front of you?

228
00:14:53,394 --> 00:14:54,436
Yeah.

229
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:57,481
Really?
Yeah, many times.

230
00:14:58,232 --> 00:14:59,983
You Italian?
No.

231
00:15:01,402 --> 00:15:02,444
Why?

232
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,530
Never mind.
Take her to Benihana.

233
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,573
John, look, don't you
think after four years

234
00:15:06,657 --> 00:15:08,784
maybe she's hoping for
something more than dinner?

235
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:09,952
Like what?

236
00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:14,039
I don't know, but if it were me,
I'd be expecting a proposal.

237
00:15:14,415 --> 00:15:16,667
Come on, nobody's expecting
anybody to propose.

238
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,127
I mean, marriage isn't...

239
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,839
Isn't love enough? I submit
that love is enough.

240
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:25,008
You can put the ring in her
ass, let her fart it out.

241
00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:34,476
So bad, but so good.

242
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,271
Hey, by the way,
don't let me forget,

243
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:38,605
you and I got to
nail down a plan

244
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,190
for the Bruins game
tomorrow night.

245
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,484
No, I can't.
I'm taking Lori to dinner.

246
00:15:42,568 --> 00:15:43,569
For what?

247
00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,612
Well, we've been dating
four years tomorrow.

248
00:15:45,696 --> 00:15:47,114
Oh, fuck me. Nice.

249
00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:49,116
Let me ask you something.

250
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,409
You don't think
she's going to be

251
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:51,869
expecting something big,
do you?

252
00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:53,287
What, like anal?

253
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,498
No, like a fucking circular
gold thing on her finger.

254
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:59,293
Oh, fuck that! It's been
four years, Johnny.

255
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:01,211
You and me have been
together for 27 years.

256
00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:04,214
Where's my ring?
Where's my ring, asshole?

257
00:16:04,298 --> 00:16:06,175
Where's my ring, motherfucker?
Stop it. Come on!

258
00:16:06,258 --> 00:16:08,594
Put it on my fuzzy finger,
you fuck! Come on!

259
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:09,720
All right,
knock it off!

260
00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:11,096
All right,
I'm just saying.

261
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:14,057
But do you think she might be expecting
me to make that kind of a move?

262
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:17,436
No, I don't think she is. And, not
only that, it's the wrong time.

263
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:19,980
It's a terrible idea. I
mean, you got the economy.

264
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,065
You got the credit bubble,
the Supreme Court.

265
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,192
I mean, look at Haiti.

266
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:25,319
I guess I didn't
think about that.

267
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:27,154
Well, that's...
It's a factor.

268
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:28,739
<i>Who are you?</i>

269
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:32,367
<i>Flash Gordon. Quarterback,
New York Jets.</i>

270
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:34,912
This is the American
fantasy, right here.

271
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:38,832
A professional NFL player is
called upon to save the world.

272
00:16:38,916 --> 00:16:41,043
Tom Brady could do that.
Tom Brady could do that!

273
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:43,837
Hey.
Hey, sweetie.

274
00:16:43,921 --> 00:16:44,922
Hey, Lori.

275
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:46,757
Hi.
Hi.

276
00:16:46,965 --> 00:16:48,008
What do you got there?

277
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:49,134
Turkey burgers.

278
00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:50,260
Turkey burgers.

279
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:52,971
Are we having homosexuals
over for dinner tonight?

280
00:16:53,597 --> 00:16:55,224
Ha-ha. No, just you homos.

281
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:56,558
Whoa!
Whoa!

282
00:16:57,142 --> 00:17:00,270
You kind of just reworded my
joke, but, uh... <font color="#D900D9">(CHUCKLES)</font>

283
00:17:00,354 --> 00:17:01,355
How was work?

284
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:02,648
It was fine.

285
00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:04,107
How's your dickhead boss?

286
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:05,526
Rex is fine.

287
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:08,403
He only hit on me once today,
so, it's a good thing.

288
00:17:08,654 --> 00:17:10,197
Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer?

289
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,657
A couple of
Charles Brew-kowskis?

290
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,534
Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?

291
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:15,577
Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?

292
00:17:15,661 --> 00:17:17,120
Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?

293
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:18,205
That's a good one.

294
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:21,667
You know what, I think I, too,
want a Martina Navrati-brewski.

295
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:22,834
No, that doesn't work.

296
00:17:22,918 --> 00:17:23,961
Don't ruin it. No.

297
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:25,420
Bullshit!
That totally works.

298
00:17:25,504 --> 00:17:26,505
No, no.

299
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:27,965
Yeah, it does.
It doesn't work.

300
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,383
The name has to have
a "ski" at the end of it

301
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,885
and you just put "brewski" at the
end of "Martina Navratilova," so...

302
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,762
I just thought we
were saying funny names.

303
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:36,098
No, it has to have
a "ski" at the end of it.

304
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:37,391
Otherwise,
where's the challenge?

305
00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:39,726
If there's no "ski" at
the end of the root word

306
00:17:39,810 --> 00:17:42,729
then we would just be
idiots saying nonsense.

307
00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:52,990
Hey.

308
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,616
They found
the missing hikers.

309
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:55,742
They did?

310
00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:56,827
Yeah.
What happened?

311
00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:58,537
They said
they got separated

312
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,163
and one of them had his
foot stuck under a rock

313
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,582
for like, five days.

314
00:18:01,665 --> 00:18:03,083
Wow.
Mmm.

315
00:18:03,542 --> 00:18:07,045
You know, if your leg got
trapped under a rock

316
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:08,630
I'd chew it off
to get you free.

317
00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:10,591
You would?

318
00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:11,758
I sure would.

319
00:18:11,842 --> 00:18:13,302
Is that cannibalism?

320
00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:15,846
No, I think it's only
cannibalism if you swallow.

321
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,097
Oh, yeah, no!

322
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:18,932
Don't worry about that,
because I don't swallow.

323
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,809
Really? 'Cause
that's not what I heard.

324
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:23,937
Well, it's not true, okay?
I'm a classy broad.

325
00:18:24,021 --> 00:18:25,063
Yeah.

326
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,441
I can see that.

327
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,443
Listen,
speaking of classy,

328
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:31,653
Ciao Bella is a really
expensive restaurant.

329
00:18:31,737 --> 00:18:34,615
So, we can go
anywhere else tomorrow.

330
00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:36,825
I really don't care,
as long as we're together.

331
00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:38,994
Are you kidding me?

332
00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,829
No, no, no. Four years,
we've been going out.

333
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:43,206
I'm taking you to
the best place in town.

334
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:45,417
You know I love you.

335
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,337
I love you, too.
And you're nasty.

336
00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,464
Do you want to get nasty?

337
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,591
You're a nasty girl.

338
00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:58,805
I don't understand.

339
00:18:58,889 --> 00:19:01,600
Thirty-five years old and you're
still scared of a little thunder.

340
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,226
I am not!

341
00:19:05,729 --> 00:19:07,648
Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
Fucking right.

342
00:19:07,731 --> 00:19:09,650
Let's sing the thunder song.
All right.

343
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:12,903
<i>When you hear the sound
of thunder Don't you get too scared</i>

344
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:16,573
<i>Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words</i>

345
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:20,285
<i>Fuck you, thunder
You can suck my dick</i>

346
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:23,330
<i>You can't get me, thunder
'Cause you're just God's farts</i>

347
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:25,707
Ugh!

348
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:29,503
Hey, Lori, can you set
the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?

349
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:31,296
I've got a lot of
stuff to do tomorrow.

350
00:19:44,559 --> 00:19:45,602
Good morning, Lori.

351
00:19:45,811 --> 00:19:47,396
Good morning.

352
00:19:52,693 --> 00:19:54,486
Okay. You okay
there, sweetheart?

353
00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:56,530
You look a
little flustered.

354
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:57,656
I'm fine, I'm fine,

355
00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,908
I just didn't have time for
breakfast and the garage was full,

356
00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:02,160
oh, and that's right, my boyfriend
can't sleep through a thunderstorm

357
00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:03,453
without his teddy bear.

358
00:20:03,829 --> 00:20:05,539
I don't understand why you
keep putting up with him.

359
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:09,292
Yeah, I mean, the guy's 35, and he's
working for a rental car service.

360
00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:11,211
You know, you guys,
it's really not about that.

361
00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:14,381
I don't care about that. I mean,
I'd love him if he was a janitor.

362
00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:18,009
<i>I mean, he has a huge
heart and we laugh a lot.</i>

363
00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:21,388
It's just a bonus that he's
the hottest guy in Boston.

364
00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:23,473
I don't know. I just wish he
would get his life together.

365
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:25,976
Our life.
And he can't.

366
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:28,562
And, I swear to God,
it is because of that bear.

367
00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:31,648
You should give him an ultimatum.
It's you or the bear.

368
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,985
No, I can't do that.
That would devastate him.

369
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:38,655
Besides,
what if he chose Ted?

370
00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:39,990
Well, hello there.

371
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:42,242
Sorry if I'm interrupting
any private girl-talk

372
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:43,785
about Channing Tatum's
index finger.

373
00:20:43,869 --> 00:20:46,079
But, Lori, I need to
see you in my office.

374
00:20:46,163 --> 00:20:48,415
Yeah, the thing is, Rex, I have a
lot of work I need to get to...

375
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:51,084
Oh, this is work,
I swear.

376
00:20:52,544 --> 00:20:54,254
Great.

377
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:56,339
Good luck.
Thank you.

378
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:58,717
He's such an asshole.

379
00:20:58,842 --> 00:21:00,719
Out of control.
He's such a sleaze.

380
00:21:00,844 --> 00:21:03,764
A hundred bucks says he's showing
her the diving team photo.

381
00:21:04,514 --> 00:21:06,767
Check this out.

382
00:21:06,850 --> 00:21:09,186
That's me on
the high school diving team.

383
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,146
We dove the shit out
of that pool that year.

384
00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:12,939
You promised me
this was about work.

385
00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:15,275
Lori, why don't you like me?
Ugh!

386
00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,402
I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company.

387
00:21:17,486 --> 00:21:19,571
I have a boyfriend.
I have told you this.

388
00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:21,198
Yeah, the guy with the bear.

389
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:24,367
But I'm talking about
a mature relationship, Lori.

390
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:27,746
If we were together, our
babies would be spectacular.

391
00:21:27,913 --> 00:21:32,417
With my top-of-the-pyramid
Caucasian genes and your splash of

392
00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:36,755
dark, beautiful, smoky...

393
00:21:37,005 --> 00:21:38,840
Baltic? Czech?

394
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:40,383
Goodbye, Rex.

395
00:21:54,648 --> 00:21:55,732
Oh!

396
00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:57,901
Okay, that was perfect.

397
00:21:58,109 --> 00:21:59,694
Would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?

398
00:21:59,778 --> 00:22:01,321
No, I'm good.
Thank you.

399
00:22:01,404 --> 00:22:03,156
Actually, could you
wrap just this up for me?

400
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:04,383
I want to scare
the shit out of somebody.

401
00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:05,408
Sure.

402
00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:06,660
What are you,
five years old?

403
00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:07,744
Yeah.

404
00:22:07,953 --> 00:22:10,163
But I read at a
six-year-old level, so...

405
00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:15,710
Sir, and madam,
here is your dessert

406
00:22:15,794 --> 00:22:17,754
and champagne.

407
00:22:18,088 --> 00:22:19,172
Ooh!

408
00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:20,757
Cristal.

409
00:22:20,841 --> 00:22:23,510
It's a special night. We've
been dating for four years.

410
00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:26,221
And hey, all those rich black
people can't be wrong, right?

411
00:22:29,766 --> 00:22:31,643
It doesn't feel like
four years, does it?

412
00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:33,603
No, it doesn't.

413
00:22:33,854 --> 00:22:37,148
You know, you had no business
being out on that dance floor,

414
00:22:37,232 --> 00:22:39,276
but I'm really happy
that you were.

415
00:22:45,615 --> 00:22:47,200
This song is so great.

416
00:22:47,284 --> 00:22:50,328
Oh, yeah. Chris Brown
can do no wrong.

417
00:22:50,745 --> 00:22:52,664
Wow, you can really move.

418
00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:54,958
You like that, huh?
Check this shit out.

419
00:23:01,631 --> 00:23:02,883
Oh, my God!

420
00:23:03,717 --> 00:23:05,051
Are you okay?

421
00:23:05,135 --> 00:23:06,344
Oh, God, I am so sorry.

422
00:23:06,428 --> 00:23:07,596
No, I'm fine,
I'm fine.

423
00:23:07,679 --> 00:23:10,432
Jesus, I am so sorry. I didn't see you.
It was an accident.

424
00:23:10,515 --> 00:23:11,600
Did you hurt your head?

425
00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:13,310
Yeah, my head hurts a lot.

426
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:14,978
Oh, man. Here, let
me get you some ice.

427
00:23:19,316 --> 00:23:20,317
Ow!

428
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,944
Sorry, sorry.
Does it hurt?

429
00:23:25,906 --> 00:23:28,658
No. It's fine.

430
00:23:30,327 --> 00:23:32,996
Okay, here's a test to see how
much you actually care about me.

431
00:23:33,747 --> 00:23:35,624
You remember that night,
after the club

432
00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:39,544
we went and had late-night eggs
and waffles until about 5:00 A.M.

433
00:23:39,628 --> 00:23:42,589
We watched a movie on the
little TV in the diner.

434
00:23:42,672 --> 00:23:44,007
Name that movie.

435
00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:45,508
<i>Octopussy.</i>

436
00:23:45,717 --> 00:23:48,678
Baby! Gold star.

437
00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:51,056
And, by the way, my
dancing was not that bad.

438
00:23:51,139 --> 00:23:52,974
It was pretty bad.
I have cool moves.

439
00:23:53,058 --> 00:23:54,434
Yeah, so do people
with Parkinson's.

440
00:23:54,517 --> 00:23:55,769
That's not
how I remember it.

441
00:23:55,852 --> 00:23:57,187
Okay, how do you
remember it?

442
00:24:27,092 --> 00:24:29,052
All right,
whatever you say.

443
00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:30,512
Hey
Yes?

444
00:24:30,595 --> 00:24:31,930
Here's to four more years.

445
00:24:32,263 --> 00:24:33,932
Okay.
You make me happy.

446
00:24:34,808 --> 00:24:36,309
Now, I know we said
no gifts, but...

447
00:24:36,393 --> 00:24:37,394
We said no such thing.

448
00:24:37,477 --> 00:24:40,313
I got you something anyway, in clear
violation of the "no gift" rule.

449
00:24:40,397 --> 00:24:41,606
We had no such rule.

450
00:24:41,690 --> 00:24:45,110
Lori, I've wanted to give
this to you for a long time.

451
00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:49,531
John.

452
00:24:55,245 --> 00:24:57,956
Those are the ones you like, right?
From that kiosk at the mall.

453
00:24:59,082 --> 00:25:00,583
Yeah.

454
00:25:02,627 --> 00:25:04,129
You know, Lori,

455
00:25:04,212 --> 00:25:05,630
someday, there's going
to be a ring in there.

456
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:08,758
But I want to wait until I get
you something really special.

457
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:10,677
I just don't have
the money right now.

458
00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:15,056
Look, I'm only saying this
because I love you.

459
00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:16,641
You're not going to
have any sort of career

460
00:25:16,766 --> 00:25:18,309
if you keep
wasting time with Ted.

461
00:25:18,393 --> 00:25:19,436
Oh, jeez, here we go.

462
00:25:19,519 --> 00:25:21,146
Baby, please ask Ted
to move out

463
00:25:21,229 --> 00:25:22,605
so we can move on
with our lives.

464
00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:25,233
Lori, look, he's been my best
friend since I was eight.

465
00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:26,943
I was not a popular child.

466
00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:30,321
You have to understand, I had no
friends before he came along.

467
00:25:30,405 --> 00:25:32,741
He's the only reason I ever
gained any fucking confidence.

468
00:25:32,824 --> 00:25:35,869
But you're no longer eight.
You're 35 years old.

469
00:25:35,952 --> 00:25:37,912
And unless you're
too blind to notice,

470
00:25:37,996 --> 00:25:39,914
he's not your
only friend any more.

471
00:25:39,998 --> 00:25:41,541
Can we talk about
this another time,

472
00:25:41,624 --> 00:25:43,043
and just enjoy
our anniversary dinner?

473
00:25:53,845 --> 00:25:55,388
Oh, shit, hang on a second.

474
00:25:55,805 --> 00:25:57,640
Now my phone fell under
the seat somewhere.

475
00:25:57,724 --> 00:25:58,767
Can you call it?

476
00:25:58,975 --> 00:26:00,185
Yeah.

477
00:26:14,532 --> 00:26:15,992
Is that my ringtone?

478
00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:17,827
Oh, yeah.

479
00:26:18,453 --> 00:26:20,413
What is it?
'Cause it sounds negative.

480
00:26:20,497 --> 00:26:22,415
No, no,
it's from <i>The Notebook.</i>

481
00:26:23,291 --> 00:26:24,334
Oh.

482
00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:26,586
This is going to take
some doing, I think.

483
00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:27,962
I'll just meet
you upstairs then?

484
00:26:28,046 --> 00:26:29,589
Yeah, I'll be right there.

485
00:26:37,639 --> 00:26:38,681
Oh!

486
00:26:38,765 --> 00:26:40,391
Lori, hey,
you're home early.

487
00:26:40,475 --> 00:26:42,102
What the hell is this?

488
00:26:42,185 --> 00:26:44,604
The ladies and I were just
watching <i>Jack and Jill.</i>

489
00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:48,608
Adam Sandler plays a guy and his
sister, and it's just awful.

490
00:26:48,691 --> 00:26:49,776
It's unwatchable.

491
00:26:49,859 --> 00:26:51,611
But, they're hookers,
so it's fine.

492
00:26:51,694 --> 00:26:54,197
This place is a wreck.
Who are these girls?

493
00:26:54,322 --> 00:26:55,907
Oh. Where are my manners?

494
00:26:56,074 --> 00:27:00,703
Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly,
Cherene, and Sauvignon Blanc.

495
00:27:01,037 --> 00:27:02,122
I love you girls.

496
00:27:02,205 --> 00:27:04,707
You know, somewhere out there
are four terrible fathers

497
00:27:04,791 --> 00:27:06,835
I wish I could thank
for this great night.

498
00:27:06,918 --> 00:27:08,336
What is that?

499
00:27:08,545 --> 00:27:09,879
What is what?

500
00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:12,507
There is...

501
00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:14,509
...a shit on my floor.

502
00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:16,970
In the corner,
there is a shit!

503
00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:19,681
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were
playing truth or dare

504
00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:21,599
and Cherene's
pretty ballsy.

505
00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:23,560
There is a shit
on my floor!

506
00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:28,565
"Or is the floor on the shit?"
is what Kierkegaard would say.

507
00:27:30,567 --> 00:27:32,944
Who lives here? I'm coming
to get whoever lives here.

508
00:27:33,194 --> 00:27:34,529
You owe me lobster money.

509
00:27:35,071 --> 00:27:36,489
That's
my buddy, Johnny.

510
00:27:36,573 --> 00:27:38,158
Not the lobster,
the guy running it.

511
00:27:38,575 --> 00:27:40,535
I found my phone.

512
00:27:40,618 --> 00:27:41,661
What's going on?

513
00:27:43,371 --> 00:27:45,582
Is that a shit?

514
00:28:01,097 --> 00:28:03,683
God, there are some
fucked-up fish out there.

515
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:06,186
Look at that one.
wasp-y, white-guy fish.

516
00:28:06,269 --> 00:28:10,815
"I married the wrong woman, and
now I lead a life of regret."

517
00:28:10,899 --> 00:28:12,025
Oh, look at this guy.

518
00:28:12,108 --> 00:28:17,113
"I went to New York once in 1981,
and I just did not feel safe."

519
00:28:18,364 --> 00:28:20,575
Ted, you gotta move out.

520
00:28:22,493 --> 00:28:23,536
What?

521
00:28:24,078 --> 00:28:26,247
It's got to happen.

522
00:28:27,832 --> 00:28:29,959
What did I do?

523
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,922
My relationship is at a very
delicate stage, you know.

524
00:28:35,131 --> 00:28:37,300
Lori and I may just need
a little space right now.

525
00:28:37,842 --> 00:28:40,720
Plus, a hooker took a
shit in our apartment.

526
00:28:40,803 --> 00:28:42,472
Oh, God!
Ah, what?

527
00:28:42,555 --> 00:28:43,681
Oh, this is so gross!

528
00:28:43,765 --> 00:28:45,767
Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it!
Did you get it?

529
00:28:45,850 --> 00:28:47,727
No, I didn't get it!
Tell me when you get it!

530
00:28:47,810 --> 00:28:50,396
Oh, my God,
I got some on my thumb!

531
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,815
No! You can never cook
with that hand again!

532
00:28:53,024 --> 00:28:54,734
Oh, my God! You have to
learn to cook left-handed.

533
00:28:54,817 --> 00:28:56,736
This is the most
disgusting thing ever!

534
00:28:56,819 --> 00:28:58,238
Don't!
Get it away from me!

535
00:28:58,321 --> 00:29:00,240
Look, that was a tough
night for all of us.

536
00:29:00,490 --> 00:29:04,035
Ted, you mean everything
to me, and so does Lori.

537
00:29:04,118 --> 00:29:07,080
I'm just trying to find a way
to keep you both in my life.

538
00:29:08,665 --> 00:29:10,541
She's making you
do it, isn't she?

539
00:29:11,125 --> 00:29:12,210
Yes.

540
00:29:12,293 --> 00:29:15,463
But that doesn't mean we can't hang out.
We'll hang out all the time.

541
00:29:15,922 --> 00:29:18,508
Yeah, but what about "thunder
buddies for life," Johnny?

542
00:29:18,591 --> 00:29:21,094
I know. I just don't
know what to do, here.

543
00:29:21,177 --> 00:29:25,139
I know it sucks, but otherwise
I'm going to lose her.

544
00:29:25,265 --> 00:29:26,808
And I do love her, Ted.

545
00:29:27,433 --> 00:29:29,060
I know you do, Johnny.

546
00:29:29,310 --> 00:29:31,479
I'll help you get on your
feet out there, I promise.

547
00:29:31,938 --> 00:29:33,856
I know. And we'll hang
out all the time, right?

548
00:29:34,023 --> 00:29:35,441
All the time.

549
00:29:35,650 --> 00:29:37,318
Fuck it. Bring it in. Come here.

550
00:29:37,402 --> 00:29:39,320
Bring it in, you bastard.
Come on.

551
00:29:39,862 --> 00:29:41,114
<i>I love you!</i>

552
00:29:41,364 --> 00:29:44,075
Fuck. Shit, sorry, that's
the thing from the...

553
00:29:44,242 --> 00:29:46,077
The old...
Yeah, yeah.

554
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:47,578
I'm not gay.
I know.

555
00:29:47,662 --> 00:29:49,789
And you're not gay,
so we're fine.

556
00:29:50,999 --> 00:29:53,459
We gotta get you a job.

557
00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:55,920
I look stupid.

558
00:29:56,004 --> 00:29:57,213
No you don't.
You look dapper.

559
00:29:57,297 --> 00:29:59,674
I don't. I look like
Snuggle's accountant.

560
00:29:59,757 --> 00:30:01,050
Come on,
it's not that bad.

561
00:30:01,134 --> 00:30:02,510
John, I look like something
you give your kid

562
00:30:02,593 --> 00:30:04,095
when you tell him
Grandma died.

563
00:30:04,262 --> 00:30:06,139
Look, I know
it sucks, okay?

564
00:30:06,222 --> 00:30:07,265
But you've got
to make some money

565
00:30:07,348 --> 00:30:08,391
so you can pay
for an apartment.

566
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:10,518
I don't want to work
at a grocery store.

567
00:30:10,601 --> 00:30:11,978
Yeah, but you
have no skills.

568
00:30:12,145 --> 00:30:14,147
I told you,
I can totally be a lawyer.

569
00:30:14,564 --> 00:30:17,483
You get the job, we're
celebrating after, okay?

570
00:30:17,942 --> 00:30:19,319
Uh-huh. And if I
don't get the job,

571
00:30:19,402 --> 00:30:20,737
are we still going to
smoke that pot?

572
00:30:21,070 --> 00:30:22,238
Probably, yes.

573
00:30:22,363 --> 00:30:24,324
Uh-huh. Okay, all right.
Good talk, coach, thanks.

574
00:30:24,407 --> 00:30:25,408
All right, buddy,
go get 'em.

575
00:30:26,409 --> 00:30:28,286
And don't worry,
I'll do my very best

576
00:30:28,369 --> 00:30:30,496
to get this job
that I so crave.

577
00:30:31,456 --> 00:30:33,166
So you think you
got what it takes?

578
00:30:33,333 --> 00:30:36,377
I'll tell you what I got. Your
wife's pussy on my breath.

579
00:30:38,504 --> 00:30:40,757
Nobody's ever talked
to me like that before.

580
00:30:40,923 --> 00:30:44,218
That's 'cause everyone's mouth is
usually full of your wife's box.

581
00:30:46,429 --> 00:30:47,555
You're hired.

582
00:30:47,805 --> 00:30:48,890
Shit.

583
00:31:34,852 --> 00:31:38,481
Well, I am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job.

584
00:31:38,564 --> 00:31:41,317
This is how the cast of
<i>Diff'rent Strokes</i> feels.

585
00:31:41,401 --> 00:31:43,611
All day, every day.
Just awful.

586
00:31:43,694 --> 00:31:45,988
They must feel awful. The
live ones must feel awful.

587
00:31:46,072 --> 00:31:47,156
Come on.
It's not that bad, okay?

588
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,700
I got a shitty job, and I
assure you, I am quite content.

589
00:31:49,867 --> 00:31:51,077
Excuse me.

590
00:31:51,244 --> 00:31:52,412
I'm sorry to bother you

591
00:31:52,495 --> 00:31:56,499
but my son and I couldn't help
but admire your teddy bear.

592
00:31:56,999 --> 00:31:58,418
Oh, thank you.
Thanks.

593
00:31:58,501 --> 00:32:01,587
Yeah. I'm Donny,
this is Robert.

594
00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:04,507
I have to say, I've been following
you ever since I was a young boy

595
00:32:05,675 --> 00:32:08,344
and I remember seeing you
on the Carson show.

596
00:32:08,511 --> 00:32:09,846
You were just wonderful.

597
00:32:10,012 --> 00:32:12,348
Oh, yeah, that was
a weird interview.

598
00:32:12,432 --> 00:32:15,852
Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept
muttering anti-Semitic comments.

599
00:32:16,018 --> 00:32:17,979
He thought ALF was
Jewish for some reason.

600
00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:19,730
Have you ever considered
selling the bear?

601
00:32:20,022 --> 00:32:21,023
What?
Excuse me?

602
00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:22,316
I want it.

603
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,652
I'm not an "it," pal.
I'm a "he," all right?

604
00:32:25,194 --> 00:32:27,155
I'm sorry, little guy,
but my bear isn't for sale.

605
00:32:27,238 --> 00:32:29,115
See, I've had him
since I was about your age.

606
00:32:29,198 --> 00:32:30,908
He's very, very
special to me.

607
00:32:30,992 --> 00:32:33,244
Stand up straight when
you're talking to me.

608
00:32:33,578 --> 00:32:35,288
Why the fuck
would he say that?

609
00:32:35,371 --> 00:32:38,374
Sorry, you really shouldn't
swear in front of children.

610
00:32:38,458 --> 00:32:40,209
Look, we're very
interested in the bear.

611
00:32:40,334 --> 00:32:41,919
If you want to make
some sort of arrangement

612
00:32:42,003 --> 00:32:43,713
here's my address
and phone number.

613
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,132
And you can call me
any time, okay?

614
00:32:46,215 --> 00:32:47,258
Will do.

615
00:32:47,425 --> 00:32:50,303
Here it goes, in the really important
pocket for really important stuff.

616
00:32:50,386 --> 00:32:52,013
Okay? Okay.

617
00:32:52,180 --> 00:32:53,848
Okay.
See you later.

618
00:32:53,931 --> 00:32:54,932
Come on, Robert.

619
00:32:55,016 --> 00:32:56,017
Take it easy.

620
00:32:56,184 --> 00:32:57,226
What the fuck?

621
00:32:57,393 --> 00:32:59,353
Can you imagine what that
little shit would do to me?

622
00:32:59,437 --> 00:33:01,314
I could totally see him just
taking you down to the basement

623
00:33:01,397 --> 00:33:02,940
and really slowly
de-limbing you

624
00:33:03,024 --> 00:33:05,359
while singing some creepy
Victorian nursery rhyme.

625
00:33:05,735 --> 00:33:08,154
<i>Oh, my little sixpence
My pretty little sixpence</i>

626
00:33:08,237 --> 00:33:10,114
Stop it.
Knock it off.

627
00:33:10,198 --> 00:33:11,699
<i>I love my sixpence
Better than my life</i>

628
00:33:11,782 --> 00:33:13,659
Stop it! Fuck! Why you got
to take it to that place?

629
00:33:13,743 --> 00:33:16,287
You took it to a very... Now it's real.
Now it's a real thing.

630
00:33:16,370 --> 00:33:17,538
Come on.
Take it easy.

631
00:33:17,622 --> 00:33:20,583
All right, look, let's just find
a better place to get stoned.

632
00:33:42,438 --> 00:33:44,065
I guess this is it, huh?

633
00:33:44,232 --> 00:33:46,526
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

634
00:33:46,692 --> 00:33:47,818
First night on your own.

635
00:33:48,152 --> 00:33:51,280
Yeah, first night in
my beautiful new apartment.

636
00:33:51,906 --> 00:33:53,449
It'll be great
when it's furnished.

637
00:33:53,616 --> 00:33:55,993
Yeah, and the guy said it ain't
hardly had no murders in it.

638
00:33:56,077 --> 00:33:57,995
So, that's good.

639
00:33:58,829 --> 00:34:01,666
Okay, so,
if you need anything...

640
00:34:01,832 --> 00:34:05,461
Yeah, I know. Don't worry,
Johnny, I'll be fine.

641
00:34:06,337 --> 00:34:08,339
I know you will.

642
00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:10,258
All right.

643
00:34:35,992 --> 00:34:37,368
Hey there.

644
00:34:37,451 --> 00:34:38,494
Hey.

645
00:34:38,578 --> 00:34:40,162
Hi.
Hi.

646
00:34:42,498 --> 00:34:46,127
Listen, I just want
to say thank you.

647
00:34:47,044 --> 00:34:50,506
I know what you did
with Ted wasn't easy,

648
00:34:51,007 --> 00:34:54,427
and I just want you to know
that I love you for it,

649
00:34:54,510 --> 00:34:58,347
and I think it's a new beginning
for our relationship.

650
00:34:58,723 --> 00:35:01,434
Hey, anything for you.

651
00:35:01,517 --> 00:35:03,978
This is all part of the new,
grown-up adult John Bennett,

652
00:35:04,061 --> 00:35:06,731
so you better
get used to him.

653
00:35:06,814 --> 00:35:07,857
Really?

654
00:35:08,816 --> 00:35:11,027
Well, you know,

655
00:35:11,110 --> 00:35:14,780
I don't have to be at work
for another 20 minutes.

656
00:35:15,531 --> 00:35:17,158
Well, that's perfect.

657
00:35:17,241 --> 00:35:19,118
Because I'm only
going to need one.

658
00:35:22,204 --> 00:35:24,540
You know what my favorite
thing about you is?

659
00:35:24,874 --> 00:35:29,545
That, even after four years,
you can still surprise me.

660
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:34,967
To step up and change such
a huge part of your life

661
00:35:35,051 --> 00:35:37,762
just to make your
girlfriend happier...

662
00:35:38,304 --> 00:35:40,890
I don't know, I guess most
guys wouldn't do that.

663
00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:44,393
Well, most guys don't have
you to motivate them.

664
00:35:46,771 --> 00:35:49,523
I know I'm not
a talking teddy bear,

665
00:35:50,775 --> 00:35:53,611
but at least you didn't have to
make a magical wish to get me.

666
00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:55,780
How do you know?

667
00:36:06,916 --> 00:36:08,000
Oh.

668
00:36:08,209 --> 00:36:10,002
Is that a Flash Gordon
ray gun,

669
00:36:10,086 --> 00:36:11,837
or are you just
happy to see me?

670
00:36:19,345 --> 00:36:20,846
There we go.

671
00:36:21,305 --> 00:36:25,142
Thank you very much, please come again.
We have a lot more groceries.

672
00:36:30,940 --> 00:36:32,692
Hey, Ellen.

673
00:36:32,775 --> 00:36:33,776
Yeah?

674
00:36:34,068 --> 00:36:35,111
Who's that over there?

675
00:36:36,862 --> 00:36:38,197
That's the
new checkout girl.

676
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:39,949
Don't know her name.
Seems cute.

677
00:36:40,116 --> 00:36:43,202
Yeah, very cute. Do you know
what I'd like to do to her?

678
00:36:43,369 --> 00:36:45,204
Something I call
a Dirty Fozzie.

679
00:37:19,113 --> 00:37:21,615
Okay, all right, so that's
where we'll draw the line.

680
00:37:25,995 --> 00:37:27,580
Hey, how are you
holding up?

681
00:37:28,497 --> 00:37:31,792
Oh, I'm all right. I'm just getting
used to things, that's all.

682
00:37:32,293 --> 00:37:33,335
It's going to be all right.

683
00:37:33,794 --> 00:37:36,881
I actually went through something
like this with my last boyfriend.

684
00:37:36,964 --> 00:37:38,382
Really?
Yeah.

685
00:37:39,133 --> 00:37:43,012
We were together for eight
months, and I really loved him.

686
00:37:43,179 --> 00:37:46,056
And then he got
deported back to Iran,

687
00:37:46,140 --> 00:37:47,600
so I know what
you're going through.

688
00:37:48,017 --> 00:37:52,354
Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both
lost our furry little guy.

689
00:37:53,022 --> 00:37:54,064
We sure did.

690
00:37:59,695 --> 00:38:01,363
Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny,
what are you doing?

691
00:38:01,447 --> 00:38:02,698
You want to come over
and catch a buzz?

692
00:38:03,199 --> 00:38:04,658
Well, I could probably
stop by after work.

693
00:38:04,742 --> 00:38:07,369
Fuck that I traded off yesterday
so I got the other shift.

694
00:38:07,453 --> 00:38:10,039
Come on, I'm bored as crap over here.
Just swing by for a bit.

695
00:38:10,122 --> 00:38:11,707
I cannot just
ditch work, man.

696
00:38:11,832 --> 00:38:12,948
Look, I'm trying to
get my shit together

697
00:38:12,958 --> 00:38:14,752
and be an adult here,
for Lori's sake.

698
00:38:14,919 --> 00:38:17,171
John, five minutes and then
I'll kick you out, I promise.

699
00:38:17,254 --> 00:38:20,341
Just come over. I got
the Cheers DVD box set

700
00:38:20,424 --> 00:38:21,967
and the guy down
at the store told me

701
00:38:22,051 --> 00:38:24,428
that everybody talks shit about
each other in the interviews.

702
00:38:25,554 --> 00:38:26,639
You'll kick me out
in five?

703
00:38:26,722 --> 00:38:29,141
I will kick you out in five.
John, I have to kick you out.

704
00:38:29,225 --> 00:38:32,728
I have so much teddy bear paperwork
I have to get to, it is sick.

705
00:38:32,895 --> 00:38:34,271
What do I tell Thomas?

706
00:38:34,355 --> 00:38:35,731
<i>Just tell him you
don't feel well.</i>

707
00:38:36,232 --> 00:38:37,983
I gotta cut out for a bit.

708
00:38:38,067 --> 00:38:39,443
Lori tried to
break up a dog fight

709
00:38:39,527 --> 00:38:40,861
and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.

710
00:38:41,153 --> 00:38:42,196
Oh, my God!

711
00:38:42,279 --> 00:38:43,989
Yeah, that's
the way she is.

712
00:38:44,073 --> 00:38:45,533
She sees trouble and
she wants to help out,

713
00:38:45,616 --> 00:38:48,160
and I guess one of these dogs
clamped his jaws on her forearm

714
00:38:48,244 --> 00:38:49,995
and wouldn't let go
until the fireman showed up

715
00:38:50,079 --> 00:38:52,248
and stuck his finger
in his ass.

716
00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:54,041
Oh, Jesus.

717
00:38:54,124 --> 00:38:55,417
Yeah, she's
pretty shook up.

718
00:38:55,709 --> 00:38:57,336
Up the dog's ass, right?

719
00:38:57,419 --> 00:38:59,046
Yeah, up the dog's,
not the fireman's ass.

720
00:38:59,129 --> 00:39:01,549
I thought the fireman stuck his
own finger up his own ass.

721
00:39:01,632 --> 00:39:03,384
No, I don't think a
firefighter would do that.

722
00:39:03,467 --> 00:39:05,511
Go, take care of it.
Let me know how she is.

723
00:39:05,594 --> 00:39:07,096
Thank you.
Go.

724
00:39:10,391 --> 00:39:14,103
<i>Woody Harrelson. Smallest
dick I've ever seen on a man.</i>

725
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:17,982
See, that's why
I watch these things.

726
00:39:18,065 --> 00:39:20,442
That's like a cool behind-the-scenes
thing that you wouldn't know.

727
00:39:20,776 --> 00:39:22,403
Oh, hey,
listen, try this.

728
00:39:22,486 --> 00:39:24,697
I told my weed guy to step
it up and he gave me that.

729
00:39:25,114 --> 00:39:26,156
What is it?

730
00:39:26,240 --> 00:39:28,659
It's called "Mind Rape."
It's actually pretty mellow.

731
00:39:29,118 --> 00:39:30,369
It doesn't sound
very mellow.

732
00:39:30,452 --> 00:39:32,371
Well, he only had
three other batches.

733
00:39:32,454 --> 00:39:33,747
"Gorilla Panic,"

734
00:39:33,831 --> 00:39:35,708
"They're Coming,
They're Coming,"

735
00:39:35,791 --> 00:39:37,585
and something called,
"This is Permanent."

736
00:39:37,668 --> 00:39:38,669
Go on, spark it up.

737
00:39:45,801 --> 00:39:47,720
There you go.
You got it.

738
00:39:49,013 --> 00:39:52,182
Nice. Good, huh?
Good job.

739
00:39:53,225 --> 00:39:55,227
Yeah.
Take pride in that.

740
00:39:55,728 --> 00:39:57,021
You know,
this place looks great.

741
00:39:57,146 --> 00:39:58,939
Thanks, man,
it's all IKEA.

742
00:39:59,023 --> 00:40:00,482
Did the whole place
for $47.

743
00:40:00,816 --> 00:40:02,401
Nice.
Yeah.

744
00:40:02,484 --> 00:40:03,944
How are the neighbors?

745
00:40:04,486 --> 00:40:06,447
You know, there's an Asian
family living next door

746
00:40:06,530 --> 00:40:08,741
but they don't have a gong or
nothing, so it's not too bad.

747
00:40:08,824 --> 00:40:10,659
That's lucky.
Yeah, it is.

748
00:40:11,035 --> 00:40:12,703
How's work?
It sucks.

749
00:40:13,329 --> 00:40:14,288
You?

750
00:40:14,371 --> 00:40:15,497
You know,
not bad actually.

751
00:40:15,581 --> 00:40:17,041
I met a girl.
She's a cashier.

752
00:40:17,207 --> 00:40:18,751
No way, that's awesome! Yeah.

753
00:40:18,834 --> 00:40:20,502
Well, we should fucking
double-date, or something.

754
00:40:20,586 --> 00:40:22,212
You, me and Lori,
and what's her name?

755
00:40:22,296 --> 00:40:23,797
White trash name.
Guess.

756
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:26,342
Mandy?
No.

757
00:40:27,176 --> 00:40:28,344
Marilyn?
No.

758
00:40:28,510 --> 00:40:30,346
Britney? Tiffany?
No. No.

759
00:40:30,512 --> 00:40:31,597
Candice?
No.

760
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:33,307
Don't fuck with me on this.
I know this shit!

761
00:40:33,432 --> 00:40:35,100
Do you see me fucking with you?
All right, speed round.

762
00:40:35,184 --> 00:40:36,393
I'm going to
rattle off some names

763
00:40:36,477 --> 00:40:37,603
and when I hit it,
fucking buzz it.

764
00:40:37,686 --> 00:40:38,896
I will tell you.
You got me?

765
00:40:39,063 --> 00:40:40,189
All right,
Brandi, Heather, Channing,

766
00:40:40,272 --> 00:40:41,482
Breanna, Amber,
Sabrina, Melody,

767
00:40:41,565 --> 00:40:42,733
Dakota, Sierra,
Bambi, Crystal,

768
00:40:42,900 --> 00:40:44,777
Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tami,

769
00:40:44,944 --> 00:40:47,196
Lauren, Charlene, Chantal,
Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,

770
00:40:47,363 --> 00:40:49,156
Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra,

771
00:40:49,323 --> 00:40:50,908
Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna,
Jolene, Earline, Claudine,

772
00:40:51,075 --> 00:40:53,077
Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra,
Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.

773
00:40:53,243 --> 00:40:54,662
Fucking Becky?
No.

774
00:40:55,371 --> 00:40:57,873
Wait, was it any one of those
names with a "Lynn" after it?

775
00:40:58,082 --> 00:40:59,124
Yes.

776
00:40:59,208 --> 00:41:00,417
I got you, motherfucker.

777
00:41:00,542 --> 00:41:02,002
I got you. Okay.

778
00:41:02,169 --> 00:41:03,796
Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing...
Tami-Lynn.

779
00:41:03,879 --> 00:41:04,964
Fuck!

780
00:41:08,509 --> 00:41:09,510
What the hell?

781
00:41:09,593 --> 00:41:11,804
Hey, man, you think you can
open more than one register?

782
00:41:11,887 --> 00:41:13,514
There's, like,
1,000 people here.

783
00:41:13,597 --> 00:41:15,808
There's supposed to be
three registers open.

784
00:41:15,891 --> 00:41:17,559
For God's sakes.

785
00:41:30,906 --> 00:41:33,575
Stick your finger
in the loop of my tag.

786
00:41:34,410 --> 00:41:36,996
You had sexual intercourse
with a co-worker

787
00:41:37,079 --> 00:41:39,915
on top of the produce
that we sell to the public.

788
00:41:40,082 --> 00:41:42,334
I fucked her with
a parsnip last week

789
00:41:42,418 --> 00:41:45,796
and I sold the parsnip to a
family with four small children.

790
00:41:46,588 --> 00:41:50,217
That took guts.
We need guts.

791
00:41:50,384 --> 00:41:52,094
I'm promoting you.

792
00:41:52,761 --> 00:41:54,930
You got a lot of problems,
don't you?

793
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:09,486
All right, Kareem!

794
00:42:10,738 --> 00:42:12,614
Ah! You suck, Kareem.

795
00:42:19,163 --> 00:42:20,497
Hello?

796
00:42:24,376 --> 00:42:25,461
Huh.

797
00:42:29,006 --> 00:42:30,466
Hey, Ted.

798
00:42:32,509 --> 00:42:34,470
Hey there, fella.
How are you?

799
00:42:35,387 --> 00:42:36,847
Are you out here
all alone?

800
00:42:37,139 --> 00:42:39,141
Uh, no, no, I'm not.

801
00:42:39,850 --> 00:42:42,227
You know, you're never alone
when you're with Christ.

802
00:42:42,311 --> 00:42:44,605
So, no, I'm not alone.

803
00:42:44,688 --> 00:42:47,524
Yeah. Me, too.

804
00:42:50,611 --> 00:42:53,822
You know, Robert and I could
give you a very, very good home.

805
00:42:53,989 --> 00:42:56,200
Yeah, I'm pretty happy
where I am.

806
00:42:56,283 --> 00:42:57,659
I just got
a shitty new apartment...

807
00:42:57,826 --> 00:43:00,621
I can offer you
$6,000 in rail road bonds.

808
00:43:01,288 --> 00:43:03,207
Well, you know,
since I just returned

809
00:43:03,290 --> 00:43:05,000
from active duty
in the Civil War

810
00:43:05,084 --> 00:43:06,460
that actually
sounds very appealing.

811
00:43:06,543 --> 00:43:07,753
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

812
00:43:07,836 --> 00:43:11,006
That was 150 years ago
and I don't give a shit.

813
00:43:11,507 --> 00:43:12,716
Okay.

814
00:43:15,135 --> 00:43:17,846
Teddy, come on, we're going to be
late for dinner with your friends.

815
00:43:17,930 --> 00:43:19,431
Okay, be there
in a second, baby.

816
00:43:19,515 --> 00:43:21,767
As you can see, my dance
card is quite full.

817
00:43:21,850 --> 00:43:23,519
So, I'm going to
have to decline.

818
00:43:23,685 --> 00:43:24,978
Can I just get a hug?

819
00:43:25,354 --> 00:43:27,314
Oh, uh. No.

820
00:43:27,481 --> 00:43:29,024
Yeah.
No, no.

821
00:43:29,191 --> 00:43:32,194
And it kills me to have to tell you
no, because I'm a people pleaser.

822
00:43:32,361 --> 00:43:33,445
Yeah.

823
00:43:33,612 --> 00:43:35,489
Thank you for
creeping up my night.

824
00:43:35,656 --> 00:43:37,282
And Jesus be with you...
Okay.

825
00:43:37,366 --> 00:43:38,367
...in Christ.

826
00:43:39,993 --> 00:43:41,370
Who was that guy?

827
00:43:41,453 --> 00:43:43,163
That was
Sinead O'Connor.

828
00:43:43,247 --> 00:43:44,540
She don't look
so good no more.

829
00:43:49,545 --> 00:43:51,505
How great is this? The
four of us out to dinner.

830
00:43:51,588 --> 00:43:53,382
How long have we been saying
we were going to...

831
00:43:53,549 --> 00:43:56,260
Lori, how you doing? I haven't
talked to you in forever.

832
00:43:56,343 --> 00:43:58,137
I'm good. I'm good.

833
00:43:58,220 --> 00:44:00,806
The company's having their 20th
anniversary party next week.

834
00:44:00,889 --> 00:44:02,474
So, that's something.

835
00:44:02,766 --> 00:44:04,852
Lori's a senior VP
at a big, huge PR firm.

836
00:44:04,935 --> 00:44:06,687
It's not that
big of a deal.

837
00:44:06,770 --> 00:44:07,980
Company's turning 20, huh?

838
00:44:08,063 --> 00:44:10,107
So you can bang it,
but you can't get it drunk.

839
00:44:10,649 --> 00:44:13,068
Right?
Yeah, she gets it.

840
00:44:13,152 --> 00:44:15,529
She enjoys my humor.

841
00:44:16,113 --> 00:44:18,115
Yeah, Rex is having
a house party

842
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:20,534
but I'm surprised John
didn't tell you, considering

843
00:44:20,617 --> 00:44:23,495
you two have seen each other every
single day since you moved out.

844
00:44:24,163 --> 00:44:27,416
You know, it's funny, because
whenever Johnny and I hang out

845
00:44:27,499 --> 00:44:29,751
the first item
on our agenda is,

846
00:44:29,835 --> 00:44:31,044
"What's going on
with Lori?"

847
00:44:31,211 --> 00:44:33,255
So, it's funny that
that didn't come up.

848
00:44:33,338 --> 00:44:34,508
That must have
slipped through the cracks.

849
00:44:34,548 --> 00:44:36,008
Yeah, but we do talk
about you all the time.

850
00:44:36,091 --> 00:44:37,885
Yeah, you remember the
other day, I was saying

851
00:44:37,968 --> 00:44:40,387
how great Lori's
hair always looks.

852
00:44:40,679 --> 00:44:42,639
Oh, my God,
it always looks so great!

853
00:44:42,723 --> 00:44:44,600
I always want to
fucking brush it.

854
00:44:44,683 --> 00:44:45,893
Right, Johnny?
I say that.

855
00:44:48,812 --> 00:44:50,314
So, Tami-Lynn,

856
00:44:50,397 --> 00:44:52,733
why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?

857
00:44:52,816 --> 00:44:53,942
Like, where are you from?

858
00:44:54,026 --> 00:44:56,695
I'm always fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.

859
00:44:57,112 --> 00:44:58,697
What do you
mean "girlfriends"?

860
00:44:58,780 --> 00:45:00,449
Was there a lot of them
or something?

861
00:45:00,616 --> 00:45:02,993
No, that's not what she meant at all.
Right, Lori?

862
00:45:03,118 --> 00:45:04,453
Lori, you didn't mean that.
No, no, no.

863
00:45:04,828 --> 00:45:06,622
What I meant to say
was Ted's very handsome

864
00:45:06,997 --> 00:45:08,624
so I'm always
interested in meeting

865
00:45:08,707 --> 00:45:10,542
the lady that
can snatch him up.

866
00:45:11,168 --> 00:45:12,377
Did you just
call me a whore?

867
00:45:12,461 --> 00:45:13,462
What?

868
00:45:13,629 --> 00:45:16,006
You just worry about your own
"snatch." How about that, honey?

869
00:45:16,089 --> 00:45:17,090
Whoa!
VVhoa! VVhoa!

870
00:45:17,174 --> 00:45:19,092
What the hell happened? We're
having a friendly meal here.

871
00:45:19,176 --> 00:45:20,260
This was a nice evening.

872
00:45:20,344 --> 00:45:21,386
Don't talk shit to me.

873
00:45:21,553 --> 00:45:22,930
I just asked you
a question.

874
00:45:23,013 --> 00:45:24,473
You know,
you're a freaking snob.

875
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:25,891
You think you're
cool because you work

876
00:45:25,974 --> 00:45:27,601
at some fucking fancy
shit place, whatever.

877
00:45:27,684 --> 00:45:29,811
Okay, take it easy.
Nice, Lori, real nice.

878
00:45:29,895 --> 00:45:32,147
Me? It's not my fault
she can't speak English.

879
00:45:32,231 --> 00:45:33,357
Oh, fuck you!

880
00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:35,609
Just because you're on the business
world and shit you think, what,

881
00:45:35,692 --> 00:45:37,319
everybody should suck your
asshole, or something?

882
00:45:37,444 --> 00:45:39,738
Okay. All right, Tami, come on, honey.
Let's get out of here.

883
00:45:39,821 --> 00:45:42,115
We'll go back to my place for a
couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.

884
00:45:42,199 --> 00:45:43,951
You know what?
I gave birth once, bitch.

885
00:45:44,034 --> 00:45:45,327
I could kick
your fucking ass.

886
00:45:45,619 --> 00:45:47,704
And you better never show your
face around Quincy, you hear me?

887
00:45:47,788 --> 00:45:48,956
Okay, come on.
Ever!

888
00:45:49,039 --> 00:45:50,666
I didn't know you had a baby.
Is it alive?

889
00:45:52,501 --> 00:45:53,669
What a cunt.

890
00:45:53,835 --> 00:45:55,462
Ow! I hate that word!

891
00:45:55,545 --> 00:45:56,630
What?
That word.

892
00:45:56,713 --> 00:45:58,215
It's so sharp,
it's like an electric sword

893
00:45:58,298 --> 00:45:59,424
slashing
everything in its path.

894
00:45:59,508 --> 00:46:00,759
Why would you say that?

895
00:46:00,842 --> 00:46:02,636
You didn't exactly
stand up for me.

896
00:46:02,844 --> 00:46:04,346
I'm trying to
walk a line, here.

897
00:46:04,429 --> 00:46:05,722
I want to be fair to you
and to him, you know?

898
00:46:05,806 --> 00:46:07,641
I think you're being a
little more fair to him.

899
00:46:07,724 --> 00:46:08,850
Oh, come on.

900
00:46:09,977 --> 00:46:13,355
You know, your boss called this
morning asking me how my arm was.

901
00:46:14,231 --> 00:46:15,232
Huh?

902
00:46:15,357 --> 00:46:18,527
Yeah, because of that dog fight
that I tried to break up.

903
00:46:19,278 --> 00:46:20,362
Oh.

904
00:46:20,779 --> 00:46:21,947
If I had to make a guess

905
00:46:22,030 --> 00:46:24,241
I would say that you made
up some bullshit excuse

906
00:46:24,324 --> 00:46:25,701
to get out of work
to go to Ted's.

907
00:46:25,784 --> 00:46:28,161
Now, am I right?

908
00:46:29,705 --> 00:46:30,872
I made you out to
be a hero.

909
00:46:30,956 --> 00:46:32,291
You know what, John,
we asked Ted to move out

910
00:46:32,374 --> 00:46:33,917
so we can give ourselves
a chance without him.

911
00:46:34,167 --> 00:46:36,044
You're not giving
anything a chance

912
00:46:36,169 --> 00:46:38,714
if you keep blowing off work to
get high with your teddy bear.

913
00:46:40,090 --> 00:46:41,717
You're right.

914
00:46:42,426 --> 00:46:44,511
I've been getting stoned too much.
I know that.

915
00:46:44,678 --> 00:46:47,931
I've been bumming around with Ted too much.
I know that, too.

916
00:46:48,015 --> 00:46:50,267
You give me one more chance,
I promise I can fix it.

917
00:46:51,351 --> 00:46:54,980
John, I need a man. Not a
little boy with a teddy bear.

918
00:46:55,063 --> 00:46:58,317
I know, done. Man. Right here,
in front of you, all right?

919
00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:00,986
Look at these pecs.
These are man pecs.

920
00:47:01,069 --> 00:47:03,530
Look at the hair on my upper lip.
That's man hair.

921
00:47:04,614 --> 00:47:06,575
I just farted.
That was a man fart.

922
00:47:13,749 --> 00:47:18,128
Fine, John, but this is, I swear
to God, your last chance.

923
00:47:18,587 --> 00:47:19,921
Trust me. I love you.

924
00:47:20,255 --> 00:47:21,590
All right, I love you.

925
00:47:21,757 --> 00:47:23,967
I love you so much. You
won't be sorry, I swear.

926
00:47:24,926 --> 00:47:26,261
Did you really just fart?

927
00:47:26,428 --> 00:47:28,513
Yeah, but I pushed it
that way with my hand.

928
00:47:29,431 --> 00:47:31,224
I wonder who it's
going to hit first.

929
00:47:31,308 --> 00:47:33,143
So, if I told him once,
I told him a million times

930
00:47:33,268 --> 00:47:36,104
these numbers do not add up.

931
00:47:36,188 --> 00:47:38,065
Who did this to us?

932
00:47:38,148 --> 00:47:41,568
God damn it!
I'm here on business!

933
00:47:45,655 --> 00:47:47,324
All right,
here we go.

934
00:47:50,619 --> 00:47:52,037
I'm really glad
that you came.

935
00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:53,372
Me, too.
Yeah?

936
00:47:53,455 --> 00:47:55,499
Is it okay if I
kick your boss's ass?

937
00:47:55,582 --> 00:47:57,542
That won't affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?

938
00:47:57,626 --> 00:47:59,211
Please play nice.

939
00:47:59,294 --> 00:48:00,462
For you, I will.

940
00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:02,005
Thank you.
Anything.

941
00:48:04,758 --> 00:48:07,427
There she is. I was worried
you weren't coming.

942
00:48:07,511 --> 00:48:09,930
Hey, squirt, how you doing?
Where's your bunny rabbit?

943
00:48:10,430 --> 00:48:11,431
He's a bear.

944
00:48:11,515 --> 00:48:14,935
Got it. Oh, my God! This
house is fucking huge!

945
00:48:15,018 --> 00:48:17,479
I know. Try not to get lost.
Come on in.

946
00:48:28,907 --> 00:48:30,992
Wow! Here
are the ladies.

947
00:48:31,159 --> 00:48:33,995
Look at you guys.
You guys look amazing.

948
00:48:34,162 --> 00:48:36,206
A little heavy on the eye
makeup, but pretty good.

949
00:48:36,373 --> 00:48:37,457
Thank you, Rex.
Thank you.

950
00:48:37,541 --> 00:48:38,583
You guys know
Lori and Jim, right?

951
00:48:38,667 --> 00:48:39,709
John.

952
00:48:39,793 --> 00:48:41,086
You guys remember John.
Hi.

953
00:48:41,336 --> 00:48:45,382
Listen, why don't John and I
go get a drink at the bar?

954
00:48:46,007 --> 00:48:47,050
Sure.

955
00:48:47,134 --> 00:48:49,594
Great, we'll be right back.
Come on, buddy.

956
00:48:51,012 --> 00:48:52,848
It's an old sweater, huh?

957
00:48:53,890 --> 00:48:55,934
This is Wade Boggs'
autographed bat.

958
00:48:56,017 --> 00:48:58,645
I just barely outbid Phil
Donahue for that at auction.

959
00:48:58,728 --> 00:48:59,771
Wow, cool.

960
00:48:59,855 --> 00:49:01,815
Yeah, cool.

961
00:49:01,898 --> 00:49:05,026
These boxing gloves were worn by
Joe Louis in his first fight.

962
00:49:06,069 --> 00:49:08,113
This is art.
Get it?

963
00:49:10,866 --> 00:49:12,617
These were
John Lennon's glasses.

964
00:49:12,701 --> 00:49:14,494
They're worth,
like, a million dollars.

965
00:49:14,578 --> 00:49:16,079
That's me
and Tom Skerritt.

966
00:49:16,371 --> 00:49:17,330
Oh.

967
00:49:17,414 --> 00:49:18,874
Check this out.

968
00:49:20,041 --> 00:49:22,210
It's Lance Armstrong's nut.

969
00:49:22,294 --> 00:49:24,045
I had it
freeze-dried and bronzed.

970
00:49:24,713 --> 00:49:26,173
Every now and then
when my life's

971
00:49:26,256 --> 00:49:28,467
getting me down
and things are tough,

972
00:49:28,633 --> 00:49:31,595
I just come up here
and I look at it.

973
00:49:32,888 --> 00:49:36,433
And it reminds me that
things aren't so bad.

974
00:49:38,310 --> 00:49:40,270
Sometimes you feel
like a nut.

975
00:49:41,229 --> 00:49:42,856
Sometimes you don't.

976
00:49:44,524 --> 00:49:48,153
So, talk to me, Johnny Quest. How
are things with you and Lori?

977
00:49:48,236 --> 00:49:49,738
Things are great,
actually.

978
00:49:49,821 --> 00:49:52,073
That's great.
That is great.

979
00:49:53,492 --> 00:49:56,119
You know, Lori would
hate me for saying this,

980
00:49:56,203 --> 00:49:58,413
but she told me how
you are at the office.

981
00:49:58,580 --> 00:50:00,248
And, as one gentleman to
another, I just want to say

982
00:50:00,332 --> 00:50:02,584
I really hope you fucking
get Lou Gehrig's disease.

983
00:50:06,087 --> 00:50:08,423
I think I need to clear
the air here a little.

984
00:50:08,590 --> 00:50:11,760
Yeah, I'm kind of a
fun-time boss and what-not.

985
00:50:11,927 --> 00:50:14,846
But, look, man, I do that
with everybody at the office.

986
00:50:14,930 --> 00:50:16,097
I'm a kook.

987
00:50:16,181 --> 00:50:18,225
I have no designs
on your girlfriend.

988
00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:20,352
We work together,
and that's it.

989
00:50:20,477 --> 00:50:24,272
I think you're a great guy
and she's a very lucky girl.

990
00:50:25,941 --> 00:50:27,234
Well, that's good to hear.

991
00:50:27,317 --> 00:50:28,527
Yeah.

992
00:50:30,487 --> 00:50:31,530
Excuse me.

993
00:50:32,405 --> 00:50:33,406
Hey, Ted.

994
00:50:33,490 --> 00:50:35,700
<i>Johnny, where are you? You
got to get over here, man.</i>

995
00:50:35,784 --> 00:50:36,785
Why, what's going on?

996
00:50:36,868 --> 00:50:38,203
Okay, so I'm having
a little impromptu thing

997
00:50:38,286 --> 00:50:39,621
with some people
at my apartment.

998
00:50:39,704 --> 00:50:41,998
And, John,
Sam Jones is here.

999
00:50:42,415 --> 00:50:43,416
What?

1000
00:50:43,500 --> 00:50:46,503
<i>Sam Jones.
Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.</i>

1001
00:50:46,586 --> 00:50:47,754
Holy shit! What?

1002
00:50:47,837 --> 00:50:50,382
You remember I said my buddy's
cousin is friends with Sam Jones?

1003
00:50:50,465 --> 00:50:51,883
My buddy's in town
with his cousin,

1004
00:50:51,967 --> 00:50:53,802
and who do you think is with him?
Sam Jones.

1005
00:50:53,969 --> 00:50:56,471
<i>Sam Jones is here,
and, John,</i>

1006
00:50:56,555 --> 00:50:59,140
<i>his hair is
parted down the middle.</i>

1007
00:50:59,641 --> 00:51:00,934
Just like in the movie.

1008
00:51:01,017 --> 00:51:03,436
<i>Yes. Get over here
right now.</i>

1009
00:51:03,603 --> 00:51:04,854
Fuck, I can't!

1010
00:51:04,938 --> 00:51:06,815
I'm with Lori here.
I'm already on probation.

1011
00:51:09,150 --> 00:51:10,277
I can't.

1012
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:13,738
John, Flash Gordon was the most important
influence of our formative years.

1013
00:51:13,822 --> 00:51:16,199
He taught us right from
wrong, good from evil.

1014
00:51:16,283 --> 00:51:18,076
And that the word
"acting" apparently

1015
00:51:18,159 --> 00:51:19,911
has an extremely
broad definition.

1016
00:51:20,078 --> 00:51:23,290
<i>Flash Gordon is the symbol
of our friendship, John.</i>

1017
00:51:23,373 --> 00:51:25,500
<i>Come share this with me.</i>

1018
00:51:26,459 --> 00:51:27,752
I'm coming.

1019
00:51:28,295 --> 00:51:30,171
Rex, I got to go.

1020
00:51:30,964 --> 00:51:33,216
I'll be back in 30 minutes,
tops, okay?

1021
00:51:33,300 --> 00:51:35,844
But Lori cannot find out. She
absolutely cannot know I was gone.

1022
00:51:36,344 --> 00:51:39,055
If you can cover for me, I'm
cool with all that other shit.

1023
00:51:39,681 --> 00:51:42,058
I got your back on this. She won't know.
I've been there.

1024
00:51:42,225 --> 00:51:43,768
All right, this is
one man to another.

1025
00:51:43,852 --> 00:51:45,937
I don't really know you, but
I'm trusting you, as a man.

1026
00:51:46,021 --> 00:51:47,063
This is serious.

1027
00:51:47,355 --> 00:51:51,109
Dude, one man to another.
I got you on this.

1028
00:51:51,276 --> 00:51:53,361
Thank you.
I'll be back.

1029
00:51:54,863 --> 00:51:56,906
I'm going to have sex
with your girlfriend.

1030
00:52:38,573 --> 00:52:40,367
Johnny, thank Christ
you made it.

1031
00:52:40,533 --> 00:52:42,160
Dude, I got 10 minutes.
Where's Flash Gordon?

1032
00:52:42,243 --> 00:52:43,244
Okay, get ready.

1033
00:52:43,328 --> 00:52:45,747
Hey, Sam, this is the guy
I was telling you about.

1034
00:52:53,254 --> 00:52:54,255
<i>Flash!</i>

1035
00:52:54,881 --> 00:52:56,257
<i>A-ah!</i>

1036
00:52:56,966 --> 00:52:58,593
<i>Savior of the universe!</i>

1037
00:53:06,601 --> 00:53:07,602
<i>Flash!</i>

1038
00:53:08,103 --> 00:53:09,270
<i>A-ah!</i>

1039
00:53:09,938 --> 00:53:11,439
<i>He'll save every one of us!</i>

1040
00:53:14,943 --> 00:53:18,988
<i>Just a man
with a man's courage</i>

1041
00:53:20,281 --> 00:53:23,201
<i>He knows nothing but a man</i>

1042
00:53:23,993 --> 00:53:26,329
<i>But he can never fail</i>

1043
00:53:28,123 --> 00:53:33,461
<i>No one but the pure in heart
Can find the golden grail</i>

1044
00:53:47,016 --> 00:53:48,643
How you doing?
Good to meet you.

1045
00:53:50,019 --> 00:53:52,188
I thank you for
saving every one of us.

1046
00:53:52,272 --> 00:53:53,314
Well, you're welcome.

1047
00:53:53,690 --> 00:53:55,024
He acknowledged it.

1048
00:53:55,191 --> 00:53:56,234
Let's do some shots.

1049
00:53:56,317 --> 00:53:57,360
With you?

1050
00:53:57,527 --> 00:53:59,529
Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God, yes!

1051
00:53:59,612 --> 00:54:00,655
Let's go!

1052
00:54:04,576 --> 00:54:05,618
Thanks, Flash.

1053
00:54:05,702 --> 00:54:07,328
There you go, my friend.
Thank you.

1054
00:54:07,537 --> 00:54:09,372
Death to Ming!

1055
00:54:09,873 --> 00:54:11,040
Yes!

1056
00:54:13,835 --> 00:54:15,378
You know,
you guys seem pretty cool.

1057
00:54:15,545 --> 00:54:17,046
You like to party?

1058
00:54:18,631 --> 00:54:19,674
Uh...

1059
00:54:19,799 --> 00:54:20,800
Cocaine, right?

1060
00:54:20,884 --> 00:54:23,678
Come on, dudes. Don't tell
me you never done it before.

1061
00:54:24,220 --> 00:54:26,389
Not recently, no.

1062
00:54:26,556 --> 00:54:28,308
I thought that was just
for people in Florida.

1063
00:54:28,475 --> 00:54:29,684
You better follow me.

1064
00:54:29,851 --> 00:54:30,977
Come on.

1065
00:54:31,060 --> 00:54:32,687
Johnny, I'm frightened.

1066
00:54:41,571 --> 00:54:44,199
We are going to
party like the '80s.

1067
00:54:44,282 --> 00:54:45,450
Show us how, Flash.

1068
00:54:45,533 --> 00:54:46,785
It's easy.

1069
00:54:46,868 --> 00:54:49,245
We just gotta nail a lot
of girls named Stephanie.

1070
00:54:49,329 --> 00:54:51,331
God, Johnny,
I got so much energy.

1071
00:54:51,414 --> 00:54:53,208
We better start
doing stupid shit.

1072
00:55:01,758 --> 00:55:03,051
Look, Johnny,
if we're ever going to

1073
00:55:03,134 --> 00:55:04,344
get serious about
opening a restaurant

1074
00:55:04,427 --> 00:55:05,428
we got to start
planning it now.

1075
00:55:05,512 --> 00:55:06,721
Italian.
Italian, yes.

1076
00:55:06,763 --> 00:55:08,473
What's the special on Tuesdays?
Eggplant parm.

1077
00:55:08,556 --> 00:55:09,599
Chopped salad, half price.

1078
00:55:09,682 --> 00:55:10,850
And it's
a non-restricted place.

1079
00:55:10,934 --> 00:55:12,811
Yeah. What do you mean?
Anybody can come.

1080
00:55:12,894 --> 00:55:14,312
Of course.
Jews are welcome.

1081
00:55:14,395 --> 00:55:15,480
Well, yeah.
Why wouldn't they be?

1082
00:55:15,563 --> 00:55:16,648
Exactly,
that's what I'm saying.

1083
00:55:16,731 --> 00:55:17,816
Why even bring that up?

1084
00:55:17,899 --> 00:55:19,123
You don't bring it up,
you just let them in.

1085
00:55:19,192 --> 00:55:20,652
Why mention it?
No one will.

1086
00:55:20,735 --> 00:55:21,778
Why are we
talking about it?

1087
00:55:21,861 --> 00:55:23,358
You're talking about it. I'm
just saying, let them in.

1088
00:55:23,404 --> 00:55:25,240
Let them in. Right. Okay.
Exactly. Good.

1089
00:55:25,323 --> 00:55:26,324
No Mexicans, though.

1090
00:55:29,410 --> 00:55:31,287
This is how everybody
sang in the '90s.

1091
00:55:43,091 --> 00:55:45,134
Trust me, I can do this.
Shut up.

1092
00:55:45,301 --> 00:55:46,469
Let him try it, man.

1093
00:55:46,594 --> 00:55:47,804
All right, fuck it.

1094
00:55:51,307 --> 00:55:53,268
Go, go, go!

1095
00:56:01,776 --> 00:56:03,111
You son of a bitch!

1096
00:56:03,194 --> 00:56:05,363
Well, you never should have trusted me.
I'm on drugs.

1097
00:56:14,289 --> 00:56:16,124
Hey, Johnny,
I just had a great idea.

1098
00:56:16,207 --> 00:56:18,626
Let's go get drunk and puke
on cars from the overpass.

1099
00:56:18,710 --> 00:56:21,796
Come on, I do not sound
that much like Peter Griffin.

1100
00:56:24,757 --> 00:56:26,885
You can do any '90s
song with just vowels.

1101
00:56:33,933 --> 00:56:37,103
<i>A-E-I-O-U</i>

1102
00:56:39,314 --> 00:56:42,483
See? There, proof. Garfield's
eyes look like a pair of tits.

1103
00:56:42,567 --> 00:56:43,568
You were right.

1104
00:56:43,651 --> 00:56:46,237
If you can punch through this wall,
you really are Flash Gordon.

1105
00:56:46,404 --> 00:56:47,447
Are you going to do it?

1106
00:56:47,530 --> 00:56:48,531
I'm going to
punch through it.

1107
00:56:48,698 --> 00:56:49,991
Come on, Sam, do it!
Do it!

1108
00:56:50,992 --> 00:56:52,994
Oh, my God!

1109
00:56:54,412 --> 00:56:55,747
Yes! He did it!

1110
00:56:57,165 --> 00:56:58,207
What the hell you problem?

1111
00:56:58,374 --> 00:57:01,002
You break my wall!
I break you wall!

1112
00:57:05,465 --> 00:57:06,466
Break his arm off!

1113
00:57:06,549 --> 00:57:08,343
We're going to die.
We're all going to die.

1114
00:57:08,468 --> 00:57:09,928
Break this up,
break this up.

1115
00:57:10,011 --> 00:57:11,012
Get him!

1116
00:57:12,221 --> 00:57:15,099
You break my wall!
This my home long time.

1117
00:57:15,183 --> 00:57:16,976
You break my wall,
you bastard men.

1118
00:57:17,060 --> 00:57:18,436
We're sorry,
it was an accident, okay?

1119
00:57:18,519 --> 00:57:21,147
I try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere.

1120
00:57:21,230 --> 00:57:23,983
Chill out. Can we just talk about this?
What's your name? I'm John.

1121
00:57:24,150 --> 00:57:25,610
My name is Wan Ming.

1122
00:57:25,902 --> 00:57:26,945
Ming?

1123
00:57:27,111 --> 00:57:28,863
You pay many dollar
for wall!

1124
00:57:28,947 --> 00:57:31,658
This bullshit!
This all bullshit!

1125
00:57:31,824 --> 00:57:33,826
Death to Ming!

1126
00:57:57,433 --> 00:57:58,559
Rape!

1127
00:58:01,270 --> 00:58:02,313
Sam, let him go.

1128
00:58:07,819 --> 00:58:09,946
You crazy!
You crazy, man!

1129
00:58:10,363 --> 00:58:11,823
Come on, James Franco.

1130
00:58:14,951 --> 00:58:17,078
You pay for wall!

1131
00:58:17,412 --> 00:58:18,913
Move, sucker!

1132
00:58:36,639 --> 00:58:38,683
Greatest night ever!

1133
00:58:49,527 --> 00:58:50,737
Hey.

1134
00:58:51,029 --> 00:58:52,071
Hey, Guy.

1135
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:53,698
What's going on?

1136
00:58:54,615 --> 00:58:57,035
This is Jared. He's the
guy who beat me up.

1137
00:58:57,452 --> 00:58:58,953
And we're in love.

1138
00:58:59,954 --> 00:59:00,913
Huh?

1139
00:59:00,997 --> 00:59:03,833
Turns out I'm gay,
or whatever.

1140
00:59:04,625 --> 00:59:05,668
I had no idea.

1141
00:59:06,878 --> 00:59:10,048
Hey, Jared, let's go grab
another one of these.

1142
00:59:13,593 --> 00:59:14,719
How we doing, ace?

1143
00:59:15,219 --> 00:59:16,512
You coming down?

1144
00:59:16,679 --> 00:59:18,514
Yeah, I don't feel so good.

1145
00:59:18,681 --> 00:59:21,642
Give it a couple of hours.
You'll be golden, Ponyboy.

1146
00:59:22,143 --> 00:59:23,436
You want a Xanax?

1147
00:59:25,021 --> 00:59:26,230
Holy shit. Oh, my God.

1148
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:27,315
What?

1149
00:59:28,483 --> 00:59:30,151
I got to go.

1150
00:59:38,201 --> 00:59:39,243
Lori, I...

1151
00:59:40,661 --> 00:59:41,829
Lori!

1152
00:59:43,706 --> 00:59:46,000
Lori, wait, please.

1153
00:59:46,876 --> 00:59:48,753
Look, I'm sorry,
I messed up...

1154
00:59:48,836 --> 00:59:50,713
John, I need you out of
the apartment tonight.

1155
00:59:51,172 --> 00:59:52,590
Can I... Just give
me the car keys.

1156
00:59:52,673 --> 00:59:54,550
Can I please just explain? No.

1157
00:59:54,759 --> 00:59:55,760
Look, I was...

1158
00:59:55,843 --> 00:59:58,262
I have given up a huge
chunk of my life for you.

1159
00:59:58,429 --> 01:00:01,057
I was going to stop in for like five
minutes and then Flash Gordon...

1160
01:00:01,224 --> 01:00:03,184
Just give me
the car keys.

1161
01:00:13,528 --> 01:00:14,821
Lori.

1162
01:00:15,196 --> 01:00:16,739
Lori, please, I love you.

1163
01:00:30,545 --> 01:00:33,256
Johnny, there you are.
I had to get some air.

1164
01:00:33,339 --> 01:00:35,424
That guy from your office
is in there on the couch

1165
01:00:35,508 --> 01:00:37,635
making out with that
Van Wilder-looking guy.

1166
01:00:37,885 --> 01:00:39,887
You know what? Fuck you. I don't
even want to talk to you.

1167
01:00:40,763 --> 01:00:41,806
What?

1168
01:00:41,889 --> 01:00:44,142
Do you know
what just happened?

1169
01:00:44,225 --> 01:00:46,602
Do you have any clue?
My fucking life just ended!

1170
01:00:47,311 --> 01:00:48,813
Come on.
She'll go home,

1171
01:00:48,896 --> 01:00:50,898
she'll watch Bridget
Jones-something-asshole.

1172
01:00:50,982 --> 01:00:53,192
She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine.
You'll talk to her tomorrow.

1173
01:00:53,317 --> 01:00:55,027
Come on upstairs. Are you
even listening to me?

1174
01:00:55,111 --> 01:00:57,238
Do you give any
shred of a shit?

1175
01:00:58,406 --> 01:01:00,158
Of course I do, Johnny.

1176
01:01:00,241 --> 01:01:02,118
"Thunder buddies
for life," remember?

1177
01:01:02,201 --> 01:01:04,787
Jesus! Lori was right.

1178
01:01:04,871 --> 01:01:07,248
I should have stopped hanging
out with you a long time ago.

1179
01:01:07,415 --> 01:01:09,333
I'm never going to have
a life with you around.

1180
01:01:09,500 --> 01:01:11,961
I'm 35 years old
and I'm going nowhere.

1181
01:01:12,044 --> 01:01:15,506
All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.

1182
01:01:15,590 --> 01:01:18,092
Because of that, I just
lost the love of my life.

1183
01:01:18,843 --> 01:01:20,219
Johnny, I'm...

1184
01:01:20,386 --> 01:01:21,512
I'm sorry.

1185
01:01:21,679 --> 01:01:24,015
I gotta be on my own, Ted.
I can't see you any more.

1186
01:01:26,726 --> 01:01:28,853
John, wait. Listen.

1187
01:01:29,228 --> 01:01:31,355
<i>I love you!</i>

1188
01:02:30,539 --> 01:02:34,043
So, word through the
grapevine is that you're

1189
01:02:34,168 --> 01:02:35,253
newly solo.

1190
01:02:35,461 --> 01:02:37,380
Rex, I have a lot of
work I need to get to.

1191
01:02:37,713 --> 01:02:40,800
I have tickets to Norah Jones
at the Hatch Shell tonight

1192
01:02:40,883 --> 01:02:43,511
and I would love it
if you would go with me.

1193
01:02:43,803 --> 01:02:46,806
You're asking me out a week
after I broke up with somebody?

1194
01:02:47,265 --> 01:02:49,433
Look, I'm going to
cut the shit, here.

1195
01:02:49,517 --> 01:02:50,518
Please.

1196
01:02:50,810 --> 01:02:54,146
This is the first time
that you've been single

1197
01:02:54,230 --> 01:02:55,731
in all the years
you've worked here.

1198
01:02:56,399 --> 01:02:58,985
Just go out with me
one time.

1199
01:02:59,068 --> 01:03:00,778
And if you're miserable
and you hate it

1200
01:03:00,861 --> 01:03:05,199
then I promise I will never
even hint at the subject again.

1201
01:03:06,742 --> 01:03:07,743
Please.

1202
01:03:07,994 --> 01:03:09,453
Rex, I don't think
it's smart.

1203
01:03:09,578 --> 01:03:11,706
I'm an asshole,
I know that.

1204
01:03:11,789 --> 01:03:13,124
It worked for me
in high school,

1205
01:03:13,207 --> 01:03:14,709
and it's been
a reflex ever since.

1206
01:03:15,167 --> 01:03:17,336
Lori,
the worst that can happen

1207
01:03:17,712 --> 01:03:20,172
is that you go on
a fun, casual date

1208
01:03:20,256 --> 01:03:22,300
with a guy who
just wants a chance

1209
01:03:22,383 --> 01:03:25,886
to prove that he can be
something more than a jerk.

1210
01:03:25,970 --> 01:03:28,306
Plus, you are a huge catch.

1211
01:03:28,389 --> 01:03:30,433
And it's about time someone
treated you that way.

1212
01:03:32,685 --> 01:03:34,687
Fuck it. Fine.

1213
01:03:34,854 --> 01:03:37,064
Fine. It sure as hell beats crying
myself to sleep every night.

1214
01:03:37,148 --> 01:03:39,358
And if that means
getting you off my back,

1215
01:03:39,442 --> 01:03:40,776
well, that's just a bonus.

1216
01:03:40,860 --> 01:03:42,320
I'll pick you up at 8:00.

1217
01:03:49,910 --> 01:03:52,455
Johnny. It's me.

1218
01:03:52,872 --> 01:03:53,914
Go away.

1219
01:03:54,248 --> 01:03:56,959
Johnny, open the door,
please, I want to talk.

1220
01:04:06,677 --> 01:04:08,721
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck, man?

1221
01:04:08,888 --> 01:04:11,098
Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know
you're pissed, all right?

1222
01:04:11,265 --> 01:04:13,267
But just listen to me
for five seconds.

1223
01:04:13,476 --> 01:04:15,644
I saw Lori leaving
the apartment with Rex.

1224
01:04:15,728 --> 01:04:16,729
What?

1225
01:04:16,812 --> 01:04:18,147
I'm serious, John.
I went over to talk to her

1226
01:04:18,230 --> 01:04:19,857
and maybe take some
of the heat off you.

1227
01:04:19,940 --> 01:04:21,317
And there he was,
picking her up.

1228
01:04:21,400 --> 01:04:22,735
They were going
to the Hatch Shell.

1229
01:04:22,902 --> 01:04:24,820
You're fucking unbelievable,
you know that?

1230
01:04:24,904 --> 01:04:26,489
How stupid
do you think I am?

1231
01:04:26,572 --> 01:04:28,074
If you think that by
making shit like that up

1232
01:04:28,157 --> 01:04:30,117
you're going to make me choose
some kind of loyalty to you

1233
01:04:30,201 --> 01:04:31,369
over her you're out
of your fucking mind.

1234
01:04:31,452 --> 01:04:33,621
Johnny, it's the truth,
I'm telling you.

1235
01:04:33,704 --> 01:04:35,623
You know what?
Get out of here.

1236
01:04:36,582 --> 01:04:39,001
You know what? You're acting like a cock.
You know that?

1237
01:04:39,168 --> 01:04:40,586
What? I'm acting
like a cock?

1238
01:04:40,669 --> 01:04:41,670
Yes, you are.

1239
01:04:41,754 --> 01:04:43,756
So shut your meat hole for
a second and listen to me.

1240
01:04:43,964 --> 01:04:45,466
Huh?
Meat hole? What?

1241
01:04:45,549 --> 01:04:47,093
That's not right,
is it? No.

1242
01:04:47,259 --> 01:04:49,011
"Pudding hole"?
Is that what they say?

1243
01:04:49,095 --> 01:04:50,179
No, it can't be
that either.

1244
01:04:50,429 --> 01:04:53,682
Because, "How can you have any
pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

1245
01:04:53,849 --> 01:04:56,018
Right? Pink Floyd.

1246
01:04:56,185 --> 01:04:58,020
Look, the point is,
you're blaming me

1247
01:04:58,104 --> 01:04:59,855
for something that
you did to yourself.

1248
01:05:00,523 --> 01:05:01,732
Lori was right about you.

1249
01:05:01,899 --> 01:05:05,528
You cannot take responsibility for
anything that goes on in your life.

1250
01:05:05,694 --> 01:05:06,737
Oh, and you can?

1251
01:05:06,821 --> 01:05:09,073
I don't have to.
I'm a fucking teddy bear.

1252
01:05:09,532 --> 01:05:12,701
You know something? I didn't tie
you up and drag you to that party.

1253
01:05:12,785 --> 01:05:15,746
I wanted you to come because
you're supposedly my best friend.

1254
01:05:15,830 --> 01:05:16,997
You can't stand there
and tell me

1255
01:05:17,081 --> 01:05:19,125
that you haven't always seen Lori
as a threat to our friendship.

1256
01:05:19,208 --> 01:05:20,584
It works out
so much better for you

1257
01:05:20,668 --> 01:05:21,961
when you and I are
getting fucked up

1258
01:05:22,044 --> 01:05:23,295
on the couch at 9:00
A.M., doesn't it?

1259
01:05:23,587 --> 01:05:24,672
Listen to yourself.

1260
01:05:24,839 --> 01:05:27,383
What am I? Emperor Ming,
here, controlling your mind?

1261
01:05:27,550 --> 01:05:29,135
That's your choice, John.

1262
01:05:29,343 --> 01:05:31,053
And by blaming me,
you, you're just

1263
01:05:31,137 --> 01:05:32,763
making yourself
look like a pussy.

1264
01:05:35,391 --> 01:05:37,143
Sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning

1265
01:05:37,226 --> 01:05:38,394
when I was eight years old.

1266
01:05:38,477 --> 01:05:40,187
I wish I had just
gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

1267
01:05:41,772 --> 01:05:43,315
Say that one more time.

1268
01:05:43,732 --> 01:05:46,610
Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!

1269
01:06:09,884 --> 01:06:10,968
Shit!

1270
01:06:15,222 --> 01:06:16,307
Fuck, man!

1271
01:07:01,185 --> 01:07:02,853
Ow! Fuck! Cocksucker!

1272
01:07:04,188 --> 01:07:05,898
Fucking stop! Fuck!

1273
01:07:18,118 --> 01:07:19,328
Why are you crying?

1274
01:07:19,995 --> 01:07:23,290
My dick is squished
by the TV.

1275
01:07:33,175 --> 01:07:34,969
I'm so sorry, Johnny.

1276
01:07:35,177 --> 01:07:36,637
So am I, man.

1277
01:07:37,179 --> 01:07:38,639
I love you.

1278
01:07:38,806 --> 01:07:40,307
I love you, too.

1279
01:07:40,808 --> 01:07:42,142
Listen.

1280
01:07:42,685 --> 01:07:45,062
You got to let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.

1281
01:07:45,479 --> 01:07:47,982
There's no putting things right.
She fucking hates me.

1282
01:07:48,357 --> 01:07:52,069
No, John.
We can get her back.

1283
01:07:52,278 --> 01:07:53,279
Look,

1284
01:07:54,321 --> 01:07:56,407
you remember
when you were 10,

1285
01:07:56,574 --> 01:07:59,201
and you hit that squirrel
with your BB gun?

1286
01:07:59,368 --> 01:08:01,078
And then when we saw
it fall from the tree,

1287
01:08:01,161 --> 01:08:03,205
we both started crying,
you remember?

1288
01:08:03,372 --> 01:08:04,707
And then we ran up to it

1289
01:08:04,832 --> 01:08:09,003
and we tried to give it CPR,
and it came back to life.

1290
01:08:09,169 --> 01:08:11,005
John, we could
do that again.

1291
01:08:11,088 --> 01:08:12,131
Ted,

1292
01:08:12,339 --> 01:08:14,967
we crushed its ribcage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it CPR.

1293
01:08:15,050 --> 01:08:16,218
It died.

1294
01:08:17,428 --> 01:08:20,472
Come on. We're going
to the Hatch Shell.

1295
01:09:09,355 --> 01:09:10,481
Yeah!

1296
01:09:10,564 --> 01:09:13,484
Thanks. We're going to take a short
break, but we'll be back in a few.

1297
01:09:21,659 --> 01:09:23,243
Play<i>Chopsticks,</i>
you jazzy slut.

1298
01:09:23,327 --> 01:09:24,370
Teddy!

1299
01:09:25,704 --> 01:09:26,664
How are you?

1300
01:09:26,747 --> 01:09:28,374
How are you doing,
you fuzzy little asshole?

1301
01:09:28,457 --> 01:09:30,459
Well, I'm not a hot,
half-Muslim chick

1302
01:09:30,542 --> 01:09:33,087
who sold 37 million records,
but I'm hanging in there.

1303
01:09:33,754 --> 01:09:35,172
Half-indian, but thanks.

1304
01:09:35,255 --> 01:09:36,256
Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for 9/11.

1305
01:09:36,340 --> 01:09:38,342
Listen, I want you to meet a
good pal of mine, all right?

1306
01:09:38,425 --> 01:09:40,177
John Bennett, Norah Jones.

1307
01:09:40,260 --> 01:09:41,845
Hi, Norah Jones.

1308
01:09:41,929 --> 01:09:44,098
Hey, there, sweaty.

1309
01:09:45,766 --> 01:09:47,017
You ready to
bring down the house?

1310
01:09:47,101 --> 01:09:50,270
Yes, ma'am. Thank you for
the opportunity, Miss...

1311
01:09:50,354 --> 01:09:52,356
Ma'am Jones.
Thank you.

1312
01:09:52,523 --> 01:09:54,108
Jesus, you look fantastic.

1313
01:09:54,400 --> 01:09:56,694
Well, you're probably not used
to seeing me fully clothed.

1314
01:09:56,777 --> 01:09:58,237
Yeah, I know, right?

1315
01:09:58,320 --> 01:10:01,949
Me and Norah met in 2002 at a
party at Belinda Carlisle's house

1316
01:10:02,116 --> 01:10:04,493
and we had awkward
fuzzy sex in the coatroom.

1317
01:10:04,660 --> 01:10:06,662
Actually, you weren't so bad
for a guy with no penis.

1318
01:10:06,870 --> 01:10:09,957
You know, I have written so many
angry letters to Hasbro about that.

1319
01:10:12,668 --> 01:10:13,752
Thank you.

1320
01:10:13,919 --> 01:10:15,671
Now, I'm going to
give my chops a rest

1321
01:10:15,754 --> 01:10:17,256
and bring a friend up
to the stage.

1322
01:10:17,423 --> 01:10:19,550
He's going to sing a
song to a special lady

1323
01:10:19,633 --> 01:10:21,802
in the audience
who he loves very much.

1324
01:10:21,969 --> 01:10:24,888
Please give a big hand
to John Bennett.

1325
01:10:28,100 --> 01:10:30,144
Oh, my God.

1326
01:10:30,227 --> 01:10:32,104
Holy shit!

1327
01:10:35,816 --> 01:10:37,651
I gotta fuck her again.

1328
01:10:37,901 --> 01:10:38,902
Uh...

1329
01:10:38,986 --> 01:10:42,489
Hi, my name is John Bennett,

1330
01:10:42,823 --> 01:10:44,825
and this is
for Lori Collins.

1331
01:10:45,784 --> 01:10:46,994
Because I love you.

1332
01:10:48,162 --> 01:10:52,332
This song always reminds me of the
most important night of my life.

1333
01:10:53,417 --> 01:10:55,002
The night we met.

1334
01:10:55,169 --> 01:10:59,006
This is the theme song
from the movie Octopussy.

1335
01:11:03,761 --> 01:11:10,350
<i>All I wanted was a sweet
distraction For an hour or two</i>

1336
01:11:11,185 --> 01:11:15,606
<i>Had no intention to do</i>

1337
01:11:16,815 --> 01:11:18,817
Still better
than Katy Perry.

1338
01:11:21,945 --> 01:11:25,532
<i>Funny how it
always goes with love</i>

1339
01:11:25,699 --> 01:11:29,244
<i>When you don't look,
you find</i>

1340
01:11:29,411 --> 01:11:33,332
<i>But then
we're two of a kind</i>

1341
01:11:34,291 --> 01:11:36,543
<i>We move as one</i>

1342
01:11:38,545 --> 01:11:41,548
<i>We're an all time high</i>

1343
01:11:41,924 --> 01:11:43,258
You suck,
get off the stage!

1344
01:11:43,342 --> 01:11:44,885
Come on.
Give him a chance.

1345
01:11:47,721 --> 01:11:50,474
<i>Doing so much more</i>

1346
01:11:50,682 --> 01:11:51,767
You're an asshole!

1347
01:11:52,351 --> 01:11:53,644
<i>Than falling...</i>

1348
01:11:58,190 --> 01:11:59,274
Oh, Jesus!

1349
01:12:00,859 --> 01:12:02,528
Someone call an ambulance!

1350
01:12:11,954 --> 01:12:13,539
That was insane.

1351
01:12:13,622 --> 01:12:15,499
Did you see the way the
guy's body hit the ground?

1352
01:12:15,582 --> 01:12:17,209
He was like a rag doll.

1353
01:12:17,584 --> 01:12:19,586
Yeah, I'd rather
just not talk about it.

1354
01:12:19,670 --> 01:12:21,255
Do you want to go
get a drink after this?

1355
01:12:21,338 --> 01:12:24,258
I feel like I could use one
after seeing a guy almost die.

1356
01:12:24,341 --> 01:12:27,177
No, I think I'd
rather just have you take me home.

1357
01:12:27,261 --> 01:12:29,179
One drink.
Come on.

1358
01:12:29,263 --> 01:12:31,181
No, not really
feeling up to it.

1359
01:12:31,265 --> 01:12:33,100
All right, I get it.

1360
01:12:33,183 --> 01:12:36,186
And, you know,
I don't blame you.

1361
01:12:36,270 --> 01:12:37,855
I mean,
when you think about it,

1362
01:12:37,938 --> 01:12:41,191
it was actually really unfair of
him to embarrass you like that.

1363
01:12:42,401 --> 01:12:44,862
Just to be clear,
I'm not embarrassed.

1364
01:12:45,279 --> 01:12:48,073
Listen, John and I may have our
problems, but at least he tried.

1365
01:12:50,242 --> 01:12:53,245
You know what? I don't feel
like talking to you about this.

1366
01:12:53,745 --> 01:12:54,830
Where are you going?

1367
01:12:54,997 --> 01:12:58,000
Taking a cab.
I'm going home.

1368
01:13:02,296 --> 01:13:03,672
Finally.

1369
01:13:14,808 --> 01:13:16,018
Down here.

1370
01:13:16,101 --> 01:13:17,769
Not looking up your towel.
Swear to God.

1371
01:13:17,853 --> 01:13:20,355
Not looking up your towel. Not
looking at your funny business.

1372
01:13:20,522 --> 01:13:22,149
Ted, what are you
doing here?

1373
01:13:22,983 --> 01:13:24,318
I need to talk to you.

1374
01:13:24,818 --> 01:13:26,904
Listen, if you're here to fight
John's battles for him...

1375
01:13:26,987 --> 01:13:28,864
Look, just let me
talk first, all right?

1376
01:13:28,947 --> 01:13:30,824
And then you can
say whatever you want.

1377
01:13:35,245 --> 01:13:38,916
Look, John
loves you very much,

1378
01:13:38,999 --> 01:13:40,417
more than
anything in the world,

1379
01:13:40,500 --> 01:13:43,545
and he's falling to fucking
pieces without you.

1380
01:13:44,087 --> 01:13:45,964
He knows
he screwed up huge

1381
01:13:46,048 --> 01:13:49,509
but you've got to believe me,
it wasn't all his fault.

1382
01:13:49,593 --> 01:13:53,305
I told him to bail on you that
night at Rex's and he said, "No."

1383
01:13:53,388 --> 01:13:57,392
He said "no," he was going to stay there
with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.

1384
01:13:57,893 --> 01:13:59,937
So, if you just give him
one more chance

1385
01:14:00,562 --> 01:14:03,774
I promise I will leave
and I'll never come back.

1386
01:14:03,941 --> 01:14:06,068
All right?
He'll be all yours.

1387
01:14:06,944 --> 01:14:08,904
Ted, that's
a really nice offer,

1388
01:14:08,987 --> 01:14:11,365
but I don't want
you to do that.

1389
01:14:11,531 --> 01:14:15,535
This is between John and me and
I don't think it can be fixed.

1390
01:14:15,702 --> 01:14:17,079
Yeah, because of me!

1391
01:14:17,204 --> 01:14:20,457
Look, Lori,
you want him to be a man.

1392
01:14:20,540 --> 01:14:22,459
But as long as
he's got his teddy bear,

1393
01:14:22,542 --> 01:14:24,670
he's always going to
be a boy.

1394
01:14:26,713 --> 01:14:29,466
He's waiting down
at Charlie's right now.

1395
01:14:29,633 --> 01:14:33,220
So, if you go down there
and just talk to him

1396
01:14:33,387 --> 01:14:35,222
I'll be gone
when you get back.

1397
01:14:36,139 --> 01:14:37,432
Forever.

1398
01:14:37,891 --> 01:14:40,811
And, you'll see,

1399
01:14:40,894 --> 01:14:43,897
he'll never be
scared of thunder again.

1400
01:15:27,607 --> 01:15:31,236
"Michelob Ultra
Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."

1401
01:15:31,403 --> 01:15:33,697
My God,
America is imploding.

1402
01:15:42,748 --> 01:15:43,790
Hi, Ted.

1403
01:15:44,416 --> 01:15:45,459
Fuck!

1404
01:16:04,686 --> 01:16:05,979
Lori, what...

1405
01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:07,522
Hey.

1406
01:16:07,689 --> 01:16:08,899
What are you doing here?

1407
01:16:09,483 --> 01:16:11,318
You can thank Ted.

1408
01:16:14,988 --> 01:16:17,199
Should I sit?

1409
01:16:17,657 --> 01:16:19,701
Yeah, if you want.

1410
01:16:19,951 --> 01:16:21,244
Okay.

1411
01:16:23,330 --> 01:16:25,040
So, work's good?
Everything good, there?

1412
01:16:25,207 --> 01:16:27,709
Yeah. Yeah, work's good.

1413
01:16:29,503 --> 01:16:32,047
I guess we can't make
small talk all day, huh?

1414
01:16:33,340 --> 01:16:37,052
If it's okay with you, I just
want to say what I want to say.

1415
01:16:38,178 --> 01:16:39,721
I could sit here and
tell you I'm sorry,

1416
01:16:39,805 --> 01:16:41,264
it was a huge
misunderstanding,

1417
01:16:41,348 --> 01:16:43,892
and I'm ready to change,

1418
01:16:44,017 --> 01:16:45,852
but I don't think you want
to hear any of that crap.

1419
01:16:46,686 --> 01:16:49,022
I'm not going to try to
get you to take me back.

1420
01:16:49,523 --> 01:16:50,565
Why would you?

1421
01:16:50,649 --> 01:16:52,567
I've been a really shitty boyfriend
for the last four years.

1422
01:16:52,651 --> 01:16:54,277
I don't deserve you.

1423
01:16:55,028 --> 01:16:58,782
I know I didn't take our
relationship seriously but, Lori,

1424
01:16:58,865 --> 01:17:00,700
I do love you more
than life itself.

1425
01:17:02,661 --> 01:17:06,081
All I want is... I just
want to end on good terms.

1426
01:17:06,164 --> 01:17:07,457
I owe that to you.

1427
01:17:07,624 --> 01:17:10,043
I want you to be happy.
You deserve that.

1428
01:17:10,877 --> 01:17:14,840
And I just hope that maybe
we can still be friends.

1429
01:17:16,550 --> 01:17:18,468
Thank you for
being so honest.

1430
01:17:21,555 --> 01:17:23,515
That's pretty much it.

1431
01:17:26,268 --> 01:17:27,394
Thanks for coming by.

1432
01:17:58,884 --> 01:18:00,010
Whoa!

1433
01:18:03,096 --> 01:18:05,682
Yeah, as you can see

1434
01:18:05,765 --> 01:18:09,102
you've been a part of our
family for quite some time.

1435
01:18:10,937 --> 01:18:12,189
Welcome home.

1436
01:18:12,272 --> 01:18:13,815
Yeah, it's kind of
funny, actually.

1437
01:18:13,899 --> 01:18:16,276
I got a lot of pictures of
you guys at my house.

1438
01:18:16,526 --> 01:18:18,278
Is he all mine, Daddy?

1439
01:18:18,904 --> 01:18:22,199
Yes, he is, my little winner.
Yes, he is.

1440
01:18:22,574 --> 01:18:24,659
Ted, you've arrived
at a lucky time.

1441
01:18:24,743 --> 01:18:26,494
It's almost
Robert's play hour.

1442
01:18:26,703 --> 01:18:29,080
Yeah, I'm guessing you guys
don't have a PS3.

1443
01:18:29,164 --> 01:18:32,042
I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden
horse with a wig" kind of family.

1444
01:18:32,876 --> 01:18:34,461
Yeah.

1445
01:18:34,544 --> 01:18:36,421
No. Yeah. No.

1446
01:18:36,963 --> 01:18:37,964
Yeah.

1447
01:18:45,513 --> 01:18:47,474
Yeah, see,
there's the guy.

1448
01:18:47,766 --> 01:18:51,269
Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay?
You do as he says.

1449
01:18:51,436 --> 01:18:53,438
You think you're just going to
get away with a kidnapping?

1450
01:18:53,605 --> 01:18:54,940
That's a nice fucking
example you're setting...

1451
01:18:55,023 --> 01:18:56,149
Language!

1452
01:18:56,233 --> 01:18:57,734
Sorry. Sorry.

1453
01:19:02,989 --> 01:19:05,951
You know, Ted,
when I was a little boy,

1454
01:19:08,036 --> 01:19:10,247
I saw you on television.

1455
01:19:10,413 --> 01:19:11,873
And I thought you were
the most amazing,

1456
01:19:11,957 --> 01:19:14,626
most wonderful thing
I'd ever seen. Ever.

1457
01:19:15,752 --> 01:19:20,423
And I asked my dad if I could have
a magical little teddy bear, too.

1458
01:19:20,507 --> 01:19:21,925
And he said, "No."

1459
01:19:22,300 --> 01:19:24,511
Can you just email me
the rest of this story?

1460
01:19:24,886 --> 01:19:26,930
And I was so heartbroken.

1461
01:19:27,639 --> 01:19:30,433
And I promised myself that
if I ever had a son,

1462
01:19:30,600 --> 01:19:35,689
I would never,
ever, ever say no to him.

1463
01:19:37,816 --> 01:19:39,109
Even

1464
01:19:39,276 --> 01:19:42,279
Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every
once in a while wouldn't hurt.

1465
01:19:42,362 --> 01:19:44,364
Me and Ted are going
to be best friends, Daddy.

1466
01:19:44,906 --> 01:19:47,909
Yes, you are,
my little chipmunk.

1467
01:19:51,538 --> 01:19:53,164
Happy playtime.

1468
01:19:55,125 --> 01:19:57,210
Jesus fucking Christ!

1469
01:19:57,294 --> 01:19:59,421
I said a bad word
one time.

1470
01:20:00,213 --> 01:20:01,840
Daddy punished me
for it.

1471
01:20:01,923 --> 01:20:04,175
That's a great story.
I felt like I was there.

1472
01:20:04,384 --> 01:20:06,177
Daddy gave me an ouch.

1473
01:20:06,469 --> 01:20:09,180
Now, I have to
give you an ouch.

1474
01:20:14,227 --> 01:20:16,563
All right, kid, you win.
We'll do it your way.

1475
01:20:16,646 --> 01:20:18,231
What do you want to do?
You want to play a game?

1476
01:20:18,315 --> 01:20:19,733
It's playtime, right?
We'll play a game.

1477
01:20:19,816 --> 01:20:21,735
Yeah, I want to
play a game.

1478
01:20:21,818 --> 01:20:23,862
Good, good. Let's see.
How about we...

1479
01:20:23,945 --> 01:20:25,697
How about we play a little
game of hide and seek?

1480
01:20:26,072 --> 01:20:28,283
I love hide and seek.
I'll hide.

1481
01:20:28,450 --> 01:20:30,618
Now, hang on a sec, there.

1482
01:20:30,702 --> 01:20:34,247
Your dad likes you to show good manners.
Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?

1483
01:20:34,581 --> 01:20:36,458
Okay. You hide first.

1484
01:20:36,541 --> 01:20:37,625
Great. Fantastic.

1485
01:20:37,709 --> 01:20:41,212
Okay, now you count to 100, and
then you try to find me, okay?

1486
01:20:41,296 --> 01:20:42,339
Okay.

1487
01:20:43,882 --> 01:20:46,551
Do I need to wash my hands
before I play this game?

1488
01:20:47,260 --> 01:20:50,555
No. That's a weird fucking question.
No, just start counting.

1489
01:20:52,682 --> 01:20:54,768
One, two,

1490
01:20:55,643 --> 01:20:59,105
three, four, five,

1491
01:20:59,814 --> 01:21:01,900
six, seven...

1492
01:21:02,067 --> 01:21:04,235
No peeking, now,
or you'll get kid cancer.

1493
01:21:04,402 --> 01:21:07,697
...eight, nine, ten,

1494
01:21:08,365 --> 01:21:11,826
eleven, twelve,
thirteen...

1495
01:22:03,670 --> 01:22:04,921
Ah!

1496
01:22:31,156 --> 01:22:32,198
Hey.

1497
01:22:32,740 --> 01:22:33,992
Hey.

1498
01:22:35,285 --> 01:22:36,578
You walking home
alone, huh?

1499
01:22:37,036 --> 01:22:38,079
Yeah.

1500
01:22:39,414 --> 01:22:40,582
Do you need a lift?

1501
01:22:40,999 --> 01:22:42,083
Oh, I'm okay.

1502
01:22:42,167 --> 01:22:44,836
If I get raped, it'll be my
fault for what I'm wearing.

1503
01:22:45,712 --> 01:22:47,922
Listen, John.

1504
01:22:49,174 --> 01:22:51,426
There's something that I
need to say to you, too.

1505
01:23:06,858 --> 01:23:08,568
Hey.
Hey.

1506
01:23:08,818 --> 01:23:10,487
John, I hope that...

1507
01:23:11,237 --> 01:23:13,406
Listen, I don't want
you to think that...

1508
01:23:16,534 --> 01:23:17,869
Sorry.

1509
01:23:18,369 --> 01:23:21,331
I want us to keep talking
because I think that maybe...

1510
01:23:22,499 --> 01:23:23,541
Go ahead.

1511
01:23:23,625 --> 01:23:25,335
Whoever this is,
it's not a good time.

1512
01:23:25,418 --> 01:23:26,878
John, it's me.
Can you hear me?

1513
01:23:27,378 --> 01:23:29,547
Ted? Listen,
I got to call you back.

1514
01:23:29,631 --> 01:23:31,591
No, John, don't hang up!
I'm in trouble.

1515
01:23:32,008 --> 01:23:33,259
What do you mean?
What kind of trouble?

1516
01:23:33,426 --> 01:23:35,470
They got me. That freaky
guy from the park,

1517
01:23:35,553 --> 01:23:37,222
and that kid who I
think is his son,

1518
01:23:37,305 --> 01:23:38,681
but may also be his lover,
I don't know.

1519
01:23:38,765 --> 01:23:40,099
Whoa, whoa, slow down.
Where are you?

1520
01:23:40,350 --> 01:23:41,434
Uh...

1521
01:23:41,518 --> 01:23:42,894
I'm not sure, it's...

1522
01:23:44,103 --> 01:23:46,105
Hello? Hello, John?

1523
01:23:47,482 --> 01:23:48,525
Hello?

1524
01:23:49,359 --> 01:23:51,861
You're not a very
polite guest, are you?

1525
01:23:51,945 --> 01:23:53,029
Shit!

1526
01:23:53,112 --> 01:23:55,323
Ted, hello? Ted?

1527
01:23:55,406 --> 01:23:56,783
What's the matter?
Is he okay?

1528
01:23:57,242 --> 01:23:58,952
I don't know.
Where is he?

1529
01:23:59,118 --> 01:24:00,828
I don't know. He just
said he was in trouble.

1530
01:24:01,663 --> 01:24:03,039
Can you call him back?

1531
01:24:03,122 --> 01:24:04,332
No, it's blocked.

1532
01:24:05,500 --> 01:24:06,584
Wait a second.

1533
01:24:10,630 --> 01:24:12,590
Go. Take Columbus to Herald
and get on the expressway.

1534
01:24:16,177 --> 01:24:17,804
Hello, 911?

1535
01:24:17,929 --> 01:24:19,222
I need the police
right away.

1536
01:24:19,389 --> 01:24:21,391
This guy took
my teddy bear.

1537
01:24:22,183 --> 01:24:23,226
Hello?

1538
01:24:26,104 --> 01:24:28,273
Let me out of here,
you crazy bastard!

1539
01:24:30,900 --> 01:24:31,901
I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.

1540
01:24:31,985 --> 01:24:34,153
I bet it's hilarious.
Let me out of here!

1541
01:24:34,362 --> 01:24:36,239
I am a citizen of
the United States of America

1542
01:24:36,322 --> 01:24:37,699
and I have rights!

1543
01:24:40,451 --> 01:24:41,995
Robert, seatbelt.

1544
01:24:42,954 --> 01:24:44,831
It should be
right here, somewhere.

1545
01:24:49,127 --> 01:24:50,169
Johnny!

1546
01:24:50,753 --> 01:24:53,256
Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop!
That's them, turn around!

1547
01:24:59,512 --> 01:25:00,555
Stay with them.

1548
01:25:08,521 --> 01:25:09,564
Hang om

1549
01:25:27,582 --> 01:25:28,875
Back off, Susan Boyle!

1550
01:25:34,088 --> 01:25:36,174
Oh, my God! He's going to jump!
Get closer.

1551
01:25:41,137 --> 01:25:42,972
All right, easy.
Come on, Ted.

1552
01:25:46,559 --> 01:25:47,644
Shit!
Yes!

1553
01:25:47,935 --> 01:25:50,313
Hey, Johnny!
Total<i> T.J. Hooker</i>, right?

1554
01:25:50,396 --> 01:25:51,648
Yes! Fucking-A right!

1555
01:25:55,234 --> 01:25:56,361
Oh, shit!

1556
01:26:01,574 --> 01:26:02,575
Go! Go! Go!

1557
01:26:15,421 --> 01:26:16,714
Daddy!

1558
01:26:18,758 --> 01:26:20,635
Let's see how well
you know these streets.

1559
01:26:22,595 --> 01:26:23,638
Where is he?

1560
01:26:44,450 --> 01:26:45,576
Jesus!

1561
01:26:58,047 --> 01:26:59,298
There he is.
Pull over.

1562
01:27:32,874 --> 01:27:33,916
Where?

1563
01:27:36,002 --> 01:27:37,211
No!

1564
01:27:37,295 --> 01:27:41,382
You can't have
my teddy bear!

1565
01:27:47,847 --> 01:27:49,348
Holy shit.

1566
01:27:49,432 --> 01:27:50,475
Sorry.

1567
01:27:50,558 --> 01:27:52,518
Somebody had to go Joan
Crawford on that kid.

1568
01:27:52,810 --> 01:27:54,353
Come on.

1569
01:27:59,025 --> 01:28:00,193
Ted?

1570
01:28:06,908 --> 01:28:08,034
Oh, my God!

1571
01:28:11,245 --> 01:28:12,288
Shit!

1572
01:28:38,397 --> 01:28:39,440
Jesus.

1573
01:28:39,732 --> 01:28:41,651
Stay here. Just stay there!
No, John!

1574
01:28:52,954 --> 01:28:54,497
You're mine, Ted!

1575
01:28:54,831 --> 01:28:57,333
Screw you, pal.
I belong to John Bennett.

1576
01:28:57,416 --> 01:29:01,087
But I can give you love,
and rocking horses,

1577
01:29:01,712 --> 01:29:03,256
and dancing.

1578
01:29:03,548 --> 01:29:06,008
I think we're very
far apart on this.

1579
01:29:26,362 --> 01:29:28,072
Ted!

1580
01:30:16,120 --> 01:30:17,121
Oh, my God!

1581
01:30:17,204 --> 01:30:18,456
Ted!

1582
01:30:20,750 --> 01:30:21,834
John.

1583
01:30:22,501 --> 01:30:24,337
Lori, get the stuffing.
Get it all.

1584
01:30:29,842 --> 01:30:31,302
Johnny.

1585
01:30:31,510 --> 01:30:33,220
You're going to be okay, buddy.
Do you understand?

1586
01:30:33,304 --> 01:30:34,555
You're going to be fine.

1587
01:30:35,389 --> 01:30:38,476
Jesus, I look like
the robot from Aliens.

1588
01:30:38,559 --> 01:30:40,436
No, look at me, buddy.

1589
01:30:40,519 --> 01:30:42,021
I promise,
you're going to be okay.

1590
01:30:43,272 --> 01:30:45,733
I don't think so. I'm...

1591
01:30:47,735 --> 01:30:48,819
I'm in trouble.

1592
01:30:49,820 --> 01:30:50,863
I need...

1593
01:30:51,364 --> 01:30:52,865
I need to
tell you something.

1594
01:30:53,366 --> 01:30:54,533
What is it?

1595
01:30:56,786 --> 01:30:59,622
Don't ever lose her again.

1596
01:31:00,373 --> 01:31:02,541
She's the most important...

1597
01:31:05,002 --> 01:31:07,338
...the most important
part of your life.

1598
01:31:09,340 --> 01:31:12,051
Even more than me.

1599
01:31:13,177 --> 01:31:15,721
She's your
thunder buddy now.

1600
01:31:16,889 --> 01:31:18,724
She's...

1601
01:32:01,642 --> 01:32:03,185
I got it.

1602
01:32:18,951 --> 01:32:21,078
Baby, I don't know if
this is going to work.

1603
01:32:21,162 --> 01:32:22,288
Please, just try.

1604
01:32:32,339 --> 01:32:34,008
Come on, buddy.

1605
01:33:20,513 --> 01:33:22,890
I'm so sorry.

1606
01:33:23,349 --> 01:33:26,185
You did everything
you could.

1607
01:33:26,894 --> 01:33:28,896
I'm so sorry.

1608
01:36:03,300 --> 01:36:04,260
Ted!

1609
01:36:04,343 --> 01:36:05,427
I'm alive, Johnny!

1610
01:36:05,594 --> 01:36:06,595
Oh, my God!

1611
01:36:06,679 --> 01:36:08,973
I'm alive.
Your magical wish worked!

1612
01:36:09,807 --> 01:36:10,849
You're back!

1613
01:36:11,058 --> 01:36:12,935
Yeah, I mean,
when you sewed me up

1614
01:36:13,018 --> 01:36:14,895
you put some of the stuffing
in the wrong places

1615
01:36:14,979 --> 01:36:16,772
so I'm a little fucked up.

1616
01:36:16,855 --> 01:36:19,692
But will you take care of me
forever and ever?

1617
01:36:21,819 --> 01:36:23,821
I'm just Kidding you.
I thought it would be funny

1618
01:36:23,904 --> 01:36:25,489
if you thought
I was fucking retarded.

1619
01:36:25,864 --> 01:36:27,032
You asshole!

1620
01:36:27,449 --> 01:36:29,368
Come here, you bastard.

1621
01:36:31,203 --> 01:36:32,246
Ah!

1622
01:36:32,538 --> 01:36:33,914
Welcome back, Ted.

1623
01:36:36,625 --> 01:36:37,668
It was you.

1624
01:36:38,919 --> 01:36:39,962
You did it.

1625
01:36:40,421 --> 01:36:41,797
Son of a bitch!

1626
01:36:42,298 --> 01:36:43,966
You wished for
my life back.

1627
01:36:44,216 --> 01:36:46,510
No. No.

1628
01:36:46,719 --> 01:36:48,512
I wished for my life back.

1629
01:37:01,275 --> 01:37:02,318
I love you.

1630
01:37:02,735 --> 01:37:04,445
I love you, too.

1631
01:37:06,447 --> 01:37:09,325
And I want you to know that,
after last night

1632
01:37:09,408 --> 01:37:12,453
I don't ever want to lose anyone
who matters to me ever again.

1633
01:37:12,536 --> 01:37:14,830
I'm not going to wait any
longer for my life to start.

1634
01:37:15,831 --> 01:37:17,291
Lori,

1635
01:37:18,667 --> 01:37:20,169
will you marry me?

1636
01:37:21,837 --> 01:37:24,590
All I ever wanted
was you, John Bennett.

1637
01:37:29,678 --> 01:37:34,475
<i>And so John, Lori and
Ted lived happily ever after.</i>

1638
01:37:34,767 --> 01:37:39,646
<i>Having discovered at last, that all
they really needed was each other.</i>

1639
01:37:41,982 --> 01:37:45,069
<i>John and Lori were
married in Cambridge</i>

1640
01:37:45,152 --> 01:37:48,447
<i>by a very special
Justice of the Peace.</i>

1641
01:37:49,114 --> 01:37:51,867
By the power vested in me

1642
01:37:51,950 --> 01:37:54,953
by the New York Jets

1643
01:37:55,079 --> 01:37:59,083
and by the united peoples
of the planet Mongo,

1644
01:37:59,208 --> 01:38:03,003
I now pronounce
you man and wife.

1645
01:38:03,087 --> 01:38:05,381
You may kiss the bride,
Johnny.

1646
01:38:23,899 --> 01:38:26,902
Hi. Tom Skerritt.

1647
01:38:27,319 --> 01:38:28,821
Tom Skerritt! Wow!

1648
01:38:29,279 --> 01:38:31,532
Thanks so much for coming.

1649
01:38:31,615 --> 01:38:34,827
My daughter better be alive,
you sick son of a bitch.

1650
01:38:35,994 --> 01:38:39,039
I am so fake-happy
for her.

1651
01:39:05,941 --> 01:39:09,278
You know, Sam, there's only
one way to end a perfect day.

1652
01:39:09,361 --> 01:39:10,320
What's that?

1653
01:39:10,404 --> 01:39:11,488
Flash jump.

1654
01:39:11,572 --> 01:39:13,198
Right.

1655
01:39:13,282 --> 01:39:16,285
One, two, three!

1656
01:39:16,452 --> 01:39:18,704
Yeah!

1657
01:39:22,374 --> 01:39:26,128
<i>And that's the story
of how one magical wish</i>

1658
01:39:26,211 --> 01:39:30,632
<i>forever changed the lives
of three very special friends.</i>

1659
01:39:31,049 --> 01:39:35,762
<i>Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their
torrid love affair for quite some time.</i>

1660
01:39:35,846 --> 01:39:39,141
<i>One afternoon, Ted was caught
behind the deli counter</i>

1661
01:39:39,224 --> 01:39:42,686
<i>eating potato salad off of
Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.</i>

1662
01:39:42,769 --> 01:39:46,190
<i>He was instantly
promoted to store manager.</i>

1663
01:39:46,565 --> 01:39:48,859
<i>Sam Jones moved
back to Hollywood</i>

1664
01:39:48,942 --> 01:39:51,528
<i>with the goal of
restarting his film career.</i>

1665
01:39:51,612 --> 01:39:53,530
<i>He currently
resides in Burbank</i>

1666
01:39:53,614 --> 01:39:55,574
<i>where he shares
a studio apartment</i>

1667
01:39:56,408 --> 01:39:57,910
<i>with his roommate,
Brandon Routh.</i>

1668
01:39:57,993 --> 01:40:01,705
<i>Remember Brandon Routh from
that God-awful Superman movie?</i>

1669
01:40:01,788 --> 01:40:03,248
<i>Jesus Christ!</i>

1670
01:40:03,332 --> 01:40:07,211
<i>Thanks for getting our hopes up
and taking a giant shit on us.</i>

1671
01:40:07,586 --> 01:40:10,797
<i>Rex was forced to give up
his pursuit of Lori.</i>

1672
01:40:10,881 --> 01:40:13,800
<i>Not long afterward, he fell
into a deep depression</i>

1673
01:40:13,884 --> 01:40:16,220
<i>and died of
Lou Gehrig's disease.</i>

1674
01:40:16,678 --> 01:40:19,181
<i>Donny was arrested
by Boston police</i>

1675
01:40:19,264 --> 01:40:22,017
<i>and charged with
kidnapping a plush toy.</i>

1676
01:40:22,100 --> 01:40:24,645
<i>The charges were dropped
when everyone realized</i>

1677
01:40:24,728 --> 01:40:27,231
<i>how completely stupid
that sounded.</i>

1678
01:40:27,689 --> 01:40:31,109
<i>Robert got a trainer, lost a
substantial amount of weight</i>

1679
01:40:31,193 --> 01:40:32,486
<i>and went on to become</i>

1680
01:40:32,569 --> 01:40:34,613
<i>Taylor Lautner.</i>