1
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:07,252
-Yeah, Russell!
2
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,814
Oi, Russell!
3
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:29,483
Your mother is so fat.
4
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:50,712
What the hell did you say to me?
Do I look like Ryan's mom?
5
00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:55,801
Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.
6
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,096
Oh, DDR. So good.
7
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,056
His best buddy is in the house.
8
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:02,349
Best what? Best buddy.
9
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:04,226
Oh, my God.
10
00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:08,814
Thank you.
11
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:12,067
All right!
12
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,594
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
13
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:43,515
Canada's own
and the pride of Brampton, Ontario...
14
00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:47,978
Toronto, give it up for your hometown boy,
15
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:52,524
Russell...
16
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:56,653
Peters.
17
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,334
Hey, thank you.
18
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,629
Thanks. All right.
19
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:19,050
There you are. There you are.
There's my city.
20
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,137
Heh. That's it.
That's what I'm talking about.
21
00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:27,017
Hey, give it up for, uh, DJ Spinbad
22
00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:29,936
and Starting From Scratch,
ladies and gentlemen.
23
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:36,234
Live DJing. Live.
24
00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,236
Not dead. Live.
25
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,198
Asian guy, how are you? Good.
26
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,700
You're looking very anime.
27
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,708
-What style..? Are you Filipino?
-Chinese.
28
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,627
Chinese. That's the main kind of Asian.
29
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,880
That's..
That's the one they make the most of.
30
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:57,798
They, uh...
31
00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:02,010
You can pick them up fairly cheap.
They're reasonably priced. They're..
32
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:06,139
-Heh, what's your name?
-Kat Sang Bong.
33
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,393
I'll.. I'll do the jokes now. Are you..?
34
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:18,235
You doing comedy is like watching,
well, you drive. Uh, that's.. That's..
35
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,578
How you guys doing? You good? All right.
36
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,205
Hey, giant Asian guy. That's a..
37
00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:34,668
Crickey, you're a big one. Um..
38
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,420
-What style of Asian are you?
-Chinese.
39
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,172
You're Chinese. Look at that.
40
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,424
-How tall are you?
-Six feet.
41
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,510
Six feet in.. In Chinese, that's like...
42
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,264
That's like eight feet.
43
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:52,227
Which in Chinese is a lucky number.
So, that's...
44
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:55,230
-What's your name?
-Edward.
45
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:57,232
Edward. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah.
46
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,944
No doubt. Absolutely I believe that.
I, uh...
47
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,448
-What's your Chinese name, Edward?
-I...
48
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:06,741
I...
49
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:11,288
I don't know if you were hesitating
or if that was your Chinese name.
50
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,164
I...
51
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,543
Well, that's interesting. I...
52
00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:22,090
Oh, my God. I'm so glad
this job worked out, guys, 'cause..
53
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,803
You can't act like this in any other job.
Do you realize that?
54
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,722
I'd be in HR every day.
55
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,143
-Russell, do you know why you're here?
-No.
56
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,437
You insulted somebody.
57
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:37,147
Who?
58
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:40,817
Everybody.
59
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,905
I'm not good at things
Indian people are supposed to do.
60
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,866
That's why I do this shit for a living.
61
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,160
Anything Indian people can do, I can't do.
62
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:53,705
I'm mad envious when I see Indian people
doing smart, intelligent things
63
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:57,208
that involve studying and learning
how to do something good.
64
00:06:58,835 --> 00:07:01,296
I.. I do. Anytime I see.. Like doctors.
65
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:03,798
How many doctors?
Are there any doctors here tonight?
66
00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:07,427
Look at that. Only in my audience
we have that many fucking doctors.
67
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,846
Where's the doctor over there?
68
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,223
-What kind of doctor are you?
-Gynecologist.
69
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,559
Gynecologist. Oh, wow, that's a..
70
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:19,522
Any openings?
71
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:21,483
Oh, okay. All right.
72
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,276
I...
73
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,657
And where's the other doctor? You, bro?
74
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:30,742
-What kind of doctor are you?
-Orthopedic.
75
00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:32,744
Orthopedic. Is that a real doctor?
76
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,330
Let me ask the gynecologist.
77
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:38,041
Uh. No. She says no.
78
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,251
Where's the other doctor?
79
00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,753
-And what are you?
-Surgeon.
80
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,381
Surgeon. That's a real doctor,
as far as I'm concerned.
81
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,341
-What kind of surgeon?
-General surgeon.
82
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:47,801
Gen.. Genital surgeon?
83
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,387
Is that what you said?
84
00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:54,182
Or general? Oh, general surgeon.
Oh, yeah. That makes..
85
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:58,186
I was like, "Hey, you're cutting
into her business here."
86
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,238
So, out of the three doctors,
you're the least.
87
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,572
Um...
88
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,744
And that's your buddy
with the caterpillar on his forehead?
89
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:18,790
Um, look at that eyebrow. That
is fucking incredible. Get a shot of that.
90
00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:19,749
Oh, my God.
91
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:26,673
That is.. That is impressive. That..
92
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:28,633
Damn, that's a..
93
00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:32,971
Springtime is here. That thing's
gonna turn into a butterfly in no time.
94
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:45,942
I'm glad there's real doctors here,
is all I'm trying to say.
95
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,862
'Cause I asked the audience one night,
"Any doctors here?",
96
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:52,532
and this Indian guy got up all proud.
He's like, "I'm a doctor."
97
00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:58,913
I go, "What kind of doctor are you?"
"I'm a psychiatrist."
98
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,958
I'm like, "That's not a doctor, ever."
99
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:06,171
An orthopedic doctor is more of a doctor
than a fucking psychiatrist.
100
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:10,967
If shit goes down, you're not hoping
there's a psychiatrist around.
101
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,928
If you're on an airplane, like,
"There's an emergency onboard.
102
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,305
Do we have a doctor?"
103
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:16,973
"I'm a doctor.
104
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,771
I'm a psychiatrist."
105
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:27,609
"Sir, this gentleman's
having a heart attack."
106
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,201
"Fuck.
107
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,834
All right. Uh..
Let me go talk to him.
108
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:50,757
Sir?
109
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:52,884
Sir?
110
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,762
Sir, let go of your chest.
111
00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:02,102
Sir, what makes you think
you're having a heart attack right now?
112
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:05,230
This goes back to his childhood."
113
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,900
What's your name, Dr. Orthopedic?
114
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,611
-Jamaal.
-Jamaal. Oh, shit.
115
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,198
-Where's your family from?
-Saudi.
116
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,033
Saudi. Oh, shit. Double shit.
117
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:21,037
Triple shit. We're all in shit. Um...
118
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:23,665
And where do you practice? Here, or there?
119
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,543
-Hamilton.
-Hamilton. Yeah. Ooh.
120
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,795
I mean, oh, great!
121
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:34,467
Being in Hamilton, you must miss,
uh, Saudi. Um...
122
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:41,182
And Dr. Genitals, uh...
123
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,226
Dr. General Surgeon, what's your name?
124
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:44,477
-Sandeep.
125
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:47,021
Oh, that's my people right there,
for sure.
126
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,567
Got this shit on lock, Jamaal.
127
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:53,361
And how long you been a doctor for?
128
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,863
-Ten years.
129
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:57,073
Oh, you're brand new. Fuck that. I, uh..
130
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:58,032
How old are you?
131
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,201
-Forty-one.
132
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,622
How long did it take you
to become a doctor?
133
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,082
-A long time.
-Sorry?
134
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,168
-A long time.
-A long time. Yeah, thanks.
135
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:09,961
Okay.
136
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:12,422
I think I was already implying that.
I, uh..
137
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,884
I was actually asking
for an actual timeline.
138
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,012
-Where did you study? Here?
-Yeah.
139
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,805
Why didn't you just go to India?
140
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,475
You could become a doctor
in four and a half years in India.
141
00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:26,352
If you go to India to become a doctor,
142
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:28,438
four and a half years,
and you're a doctor.
143
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,983
In North America,
ten, 11, 12 years to become a doctor.
144
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:34,360
You know why? 'Cause we're soft over here.
145
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,779
Over here, they're like,
"They need the summer off,
146
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,656
so their brains can relax."
147
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:42,327
India's like, "Fuck you."
148
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:46,164
And they don't learn less in India.
They learn just as much, if not more.
149
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:48,291
They just cram it
into four and a half years.
150
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:51,544
There's a billion people, like,
"We need doctors. Hurry up.
151
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:52,754
Study, study, study."
152
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,013
Where did you grow up?
153
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,933
-Mississauga.
-Mississauga. Yeah.
154
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:10,563
First of all, you can't let out a..
A 'hood "yeah!" It's..
155
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:14,108
It's Mississauga, you fucking dummies.
All right?
156
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,026
It's not like..
157
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,446
It's not even like, "Oh, shit!"
158
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,907
It's like, "Yeah, Mississauga." It's..
159
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,827
Mississauga, and he's a doctor.
How gangster do you think his life was?
160
00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:30,917
I gotta be honest with you, Sandeep,
it's nothing personal,
161
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,086
but I would never go to you as a doctor.
162
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,170
Um...
163
00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:37,423
I would never go to an Indian guy
that became a doctor,
164
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:41,761
especially one that was born and raised
in this part of the world. Fuck that.
165
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:44,305
If you were born and raised here,
you had dreams,
166
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,891
and it was never to become a doctor.
Let's be honest.
167
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:49,560
I'd go to an Indian woman
that became a doctor.
168
00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:51,604
Obviously, not you, 'cause, you know, I..
169
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,608
I have boy parts.
170
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:59,779
But... I would go to an Indian woman
that became a doctor.
171
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:01,656
When an Indian woman becomes a doctor,
172
00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:03,950
that means she really wanted
to be a doctor.
173
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:07,328
Even her parents are like, "Sweetie,
you don't have to become a doctor.
174
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,955
You can just marry a doctor."
175
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,792
And she's like, "Fuck you.
I wanna be a doctor."
176
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:16,462
I need that kind of determination
from my doctor, you know?
177
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:19,882
Well, you had dreams when you
were 14 years old, right, Sandeep?
178
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,300
And it wasn't to be a doctor.
179
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,470
That's not what a 14-year-old
dreams about. A 14-year-old...
180
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:27,598
has dreams that are ridiculous.
181
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:31,769
That.. That your dream at 14
should never be logical.
182
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:34,147
It should be the dumbest shit
you're doing at 14.
183
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:37,025
I'll tell you what my dream was.
It wasn't to be a comedian.
184
00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:39,027
I didn't even know this job existed.
185
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:42,905
My dream.. It'll make you feel better
about whatever your dream was.
186
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,284
Here's what I thought I was gonna do
for the rest of my life.
187
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,078
I thought.. Heh. I..
I wanted to be a dancer.
188
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,207
All right. First of all, fuck you.
All right?
189
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,628
Second of all, not a stripper. I was..
190
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:01,841
I was a break dancer, and I was like,
"Yo, I'm gonna do this shit forever."
191
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,390
Not a realistic goal, though.
192
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,351
What was your dream when you were 14,
193
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:15,521
growing up on the mean streets
of Mississauga, Sandeep?
194
00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:18,358
Now, be honest. Don't make no bullshit up.
195
00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,902
-A musician.
-Huh? A musician.
196
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,653
-Did you play any instruments?
-Yes.
197
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:24,781
Well, good. That's a good start.
I always..
198
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:28,368
I always have Indian guys yell out shit
that they never did.
199
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:30,620
"I wanted to be in the NBA."
200
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,624
"Did you play basketball?" "Not once.
201
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:38,920
I just love giant black men."
You know, just..
202
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,925
What instrument did you play?
203
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:45,343
-Guitar.
204
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:46,636
-You good?
-Pretty good.
205
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,138
-You still throw down on it?
-Pretty well. Yeah.
206
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,140
Yeah. So, you wanted to be a musician.
207
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,684
I know what happened.
Tell me if I'm right.
208
00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:55,895
You're about 17, 18 years old.
209
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,273
You're sitting in your room,
playing with your...
210
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:03,277
"guitar."
211
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,405
And...
212
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,117
you were thinking,
"I'm gonna be a musician."
213
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,994
Your mom walked in and went, "Sandoo..."
214
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,670
That's all you need for a nickname.
215
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:24,632
All you need is add two O's
to whatever you want the nickname to be.
216
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:27,176
Sandoo. Like.. Like Edward, Edwoo.
217
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,346
Well, that could be your name, Edwoo.
Sorry, that..
218
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:34,058
That didn't work,
'cause he might very well be an Ed Woo.
219
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,064
Your mom walked in:
"Sandoo...
220
00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:47,280
you're going to college.
221
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,366
Why don't you become a doctor?"
222
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,995
And you were like,
"What's wrong with your face?"
223
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,915
"If you become a doctor, you can fix it."
224
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,880
So, you put your guitar
down and picked up a stethoscope,
225
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,590
and it was all over after that.
226
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,300
That's why I could never go to you.
227
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:11,512
I don't want my doctor to have had
other dreams about being something else.
228
00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:16,392
My doctor in America
is gonna be a black guy from the 'hood
229
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,686
who grew up with every disadvantage.
Real 'hood.
230
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:20,771
Like in the "'hood" 'hood.
Where the..
231
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:25,276
Where people were like, "Yo, coz,
let's go kill some motherfuckers today."
232
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:30,364
I want my doctor to be the guy
that says, "No, man.
233
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,701
I'm gonna be a doctor."
234
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:39,874
And everybody in the 'hood was like,
"Ain't nobody fuck with Daverel,
235
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:42,168
he gonna be a doctor and shit."
236
00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:46,088
That's how I know I got the right doctor,
'cause he'll say "and shit"
237
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:47,673
at the end of sentences.
238
00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:51,594
Look pissed off when I walk
into the office. That's the doctor I want.
239
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:52,929
"Hi, Mr. Peters.
240
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,474
Seems your nasal passage is inflamed
and shit.
241
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,856
You fill out
this little bitch-ass prescription.
242
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,694
Holler at me tomorrow, motherfucker."
243
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:14,867
That's the right doctor for me.
244
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:18,621
I don't want my doctor to be some bratty
Indian kid who grew up in Mississauga.
245
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:21,707
When he's doing an operation,
he just goes, "Fuck this shit.
246
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:23,626
I wanna play guitar."
247
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:36,097
Then the black guy has to run in,
"Don't worry, dog. I got this.
248
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,598
It's gonna hurt and shit."
249
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:44,355
I never had to worry
about doing anything great with my life.
250
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:46,983
I didn't. I didn't have that pressure.
251
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,694
I didn't have that Indian pressure
that a lot of Indian kids have.
252
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:52,446
"Do something great."
My parents knew I was an idiot.
253
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:56,534
From a very young age,
my parents were like, "Oh, man."
254
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:05,918
I was a terrible student. I hated school.
I never had to work, my parents..
255
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:08,713
My parents never had careers.
They never had professions.
256
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:09,797
They just had jobs.
257
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,259
There are no professionals
in my family on either side.
258
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,845
Just a bunch of dummies.
You know what I mean?
259
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,931
But regular hard-working people.
Just regular jobs.
260
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:22,685
My mom worked in Kmart.
Not.. Not in head office, in the store.
261
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:26,897
My dad worked.. I never really understood.
You ask my dad what he did.
262
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,232
"What do you do?" "I work."
263
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,360
"Where?" "At my job."
264
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,157
"What do you do?" "Job-related work."
265
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,912
I never understood what my dad did.
266
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:44,665
I was five, my dad was going to work,
I stopped him and I go:
267
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:47,043
"Dad, where are you going?"
He goes, "Work."
268
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:50,338
I go, "What do you do?"
"I work at a chicken plant."
269
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:52,340
And then he left.
270
00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:56,802
You can't tell a five-year-old
that you work at a chicken plant
271
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,638
and then walk out of the house.
272
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:02,516
I'm five years old. I can't comprehend
what a chicken plant is.
273
00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:06,437
I know what I chicken is,
and I know what a plant is.
274
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:10,650
For the next 7 years, I told people
that my dad planted chickens.
275
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:19,575
It wasn't till I was 12, I was like,
"Dad.." He was going to work,
276
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,702
I go, "Dad, what exactly do you do?"
He goes:
277
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,372
"I check to see if the chickens
are good or not."
278
00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:25,915
And then he left.
279
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:28,584
And I still didn't know what that meant.
280
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:32,088
I literally picture my dad
standing around, going, "Good chicken.
281
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,256
Good chicken.
282
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:37,259
Stop the line. Bad chicken."
283
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,263
I don't know what he did
to the bad chicken.
284
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:44,225
"I wanna talk to you for a minute.
Come here. Come here.
285
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:47,019
Listen, you need
to get your shit together. Okay?
286
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:49,313
Start clucking like the rest of them.
287
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:51,524
Don't be such a cock."
288
00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:01,742
Never had to worry about school.
I mean, I did, because I was in it.
289
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,995
But.. But my parents gave up.
They gave up early.
290
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:07,373
They knew..
They would literally beg me.
291
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:11,043
They'll be like,
"Son, please, just try and get 50.
292
00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:15,715
It's a pass. Just get 50."
293
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:22,888
I'm not bragging, and..
Nor am I glorifying this. But..
294
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:27,059
Um, this is an actual mark I got
in grade nine typing.
295
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:28,686
Typing. All right?
296
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:32,648
It was 1984. Don't judge me.
There were no computers yet.
297
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,191
It was actual typewriters.
298
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:38,696
Um, my typing..
My final mark was 13 percent.
299
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,659
Even my dad was like, "Son...
300
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:50,833
Son, you've hit a new low.
301
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:57,506
Do you realize you get 25 percent
just for signing your name correctly?
302
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,718
What fucking name did you put?!"
303
00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:10,686
They gave up when I was a teenager.
They did.
304
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,855
My only rule when
I'd leave the house was..
305
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:16,317
I'm like, "Dad, I'm going to the mall."
"Okay. Son, oh, don't die."
306
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:20,029
That was it. That was their only rule.
307
00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:22,531
"Don't die. We've already failed enough.
308
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,576
We don't need the ultimate failure.
309
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:28,078
Well, don't die while I'm alive.
310
00:21:28,746 --> 00:21:30,873
After I die,
die as many times as you want.
311
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,459
But... while I'm here, don't die."
312
00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:39,298
Never had to worry
about a career or a job.
313
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,759
Well, a job, yes, just not a profession.
314
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:43,928
When I was 16, my dad comes to me
and goes:
315
00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:48,140
"Son, one day,
you won't be in school anymore."
316
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:51,143
And I was like, "I'm gonna graduate?"
"No, son.
317
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,522
Focus, son. Focus. Focus. Come on.
318
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,982
That's never going to happen. Okay?
319
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:02,988
When you're not in school,
you're going to need to get a job."
320
00:22:03,072 --> 00:22:06,242
I was like, "Of course, I'm going
to get a job. I'm not a freeloader.
321
00:22:06,826 --> 00:22:09,995
And if you know anybody hiring,
let me know."
322
00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:12,832
He goes, "Well, the airport is hiring."
323
00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:15,084
Here's how dumb I was.
324
00:22:15,292 --> 00:22:18,295
My dad said the airport was hiring
and I was like, "Oh, my God.
325
00:22:18,504 --> 00:22:20,422
My dad wants me to be a pilot."
326
00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:26,345
I was like, "You want me to be a pilot?"
327
00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:29,515
"Oh, my God. Son, no. Oh, my God, no.
328
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:34,353
Oh, my God. Oh, Mylanta.
No, no, no. Oh, my God.
329
00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:37,481
Son, you are far too stupid for that job.
330
00:22:38,941 --> 00:22:40,901
People's lives are at stake."
331
00:22:42,111 --> 00:22:44,071
"What the hell am I gonna do
at the airport?"
332
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:47,324
My dad goes, "Baggage handler."
333
00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:51,871
"What the hell is a baggage handler?"
334
00:22:51,954 --> 00:22:53,747
My dad sells the shit out of it to me.
335
00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:57,459
"A baggage handler?
Son, let me tell you something, okay?
336
00:22:57,626 --> 00:23:00,337
These people are an integral part
337
00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:04,967
of millions of people's travel plans
throughout the year."
338
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:07,803
I was like, "Damn.
339
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,681
Well, what does their job entail?"
340
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:16,562
"Basically, baggage handler's job is,
341
00:23:16,687 --> 00:23:20,608
you take the baggage
and you put it on the plane."
342
00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:23,944
"What do I do?"
343
00:23:24,528 --> 00:23:28,782
"You take the baggage
and you put it on the plane."
344
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:33,078
"I 'putted' on the plane?"
345
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:36,123
"You put it on the plane."
346
00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:39,501
"I 'putted'?"
347
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:41,253
"You put it."
348
00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:45,090
"Like... 'put'?"
349
00:23:45,883 --> 00:23:47,134
"Like 'put.'"
350
00:23:50,846 --> 00:23:51,847
"Like:"
351
00:23:55,017 --> 00:23:56,936
"Don't be stupid. Okay?
352
00:23:57,936 --> 00:23:58,937
That's 'putting.'
353
00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:03,400
Focus, son. Focus. Focus."
354
00:24:07,071 --> 00:24:09,406
I said, "Dad, I wanna be a break-dancer."
355
00:24:09,490 --> 00:24:12,993
"Son, son, you can dance on your break."
356
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,504
Anything Indian people can do, I can't.
357
00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:25,965
I'm impressed
whenever you do something intelligent.
358
00:24:26,048 --> 00:24:28,258
Like computers. I'm shit on a computer.
359
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:30,636
Are you good on a computer, Edward?
360
00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:32,805
You're Chinese.
You'd better be good on a computer.
361
00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:36,016
You're making them all day.
The least you can do is be good on them.
362
00:24:37,685 --> 00:24:39,937
Do you work with a computer for a living?
363
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,146
Yeah. So, you.. Yeah.
364
00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:47,111
-What do you prefer, a PC or a Mac?
-I prefer a PC.
365
00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:49,989
PC. Yeah. That's how you know
you're good on a computer.
366
00:24:50,948 --> 00:24:52,866
People don't believe
I'm not good on a computer.
367
00:24:52,950 --> 00:24:55,869
"You're Indian. You're supposed
to be good on a computer."
368
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:58,372
An Indian guy saying
he's not good on a computer
369
00:24:58,455 --> 00:25:00,457
is like a black guy going,
"I ain't got no rhythm."
370
00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:07,339
PC, that's the.. That's the showoff.
371
00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:11,135
You know that's the.. "I know how to get
on a computer and avoid diseases."
372
00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:15,139
I use a Mac,
because Macs are stupid-people friendly.
373
00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:17,558
I am a stupid people.
374
00:25:19,435 --> 00:25:23,355
The real reason I use a Mac is 'cause I go
to a lot of questionable websites.
375
00:25:27,151 --> 00:25:29,111
But what I'm trying to tell you is...
376
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:32,448
if you're gonna surf porn,
surf porn on a Mac.
377
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:36,034
Surfing porn on a Mac
is like having sex with a condom on.
378
00:25:36,118 --> 00:25:38,328
You're like, "I don't care what she has.
379
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:42,583
I'm not gonna get anything."
380
00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:47,254
Surfing porn on a PC
is like raw-dogging a hooker, you know?
381
00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:50,382
You're just, "Oh, my God!
It feels good, but I'm scared.
382
00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:53,051
I'm so scared!
383
00:25:54,136 --> 00:25:55,929
Oh, my God! It burns when I download."
384
00:26:03,562 --> 00:26:07,274
You know, the worst day in my life
is when I have a problem with my laptop
385
00:26:07,357 --> 00:26:09,860
and I have to call the 1-800 number
on the back of it.
386
00:26:09,943 --> 00:26:13,447
I don't care they've outsourced the call
to India. That makes me happy.
387
00:26:13,781 --> 00:26:17,117
The part that bothers me is that
that guy in India knows who I am.
388
00:26:18,202 --> 00:26:20,037
"I'm having a problem with my laptop."
389
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,122
"Okay, sir. And your good name?"
390
00:26:22,206 --> 00:26:24,416
"Sorry?"
"Your good name."
391
00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:26,001
"My good name?
392
00:26:27,294 --> 00:26:29,671
What is that? My password?
You want my password?"
393
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:32,758
"No, sir.Your good name.
Your good name?"
394
00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:34,802
"What the fuck is my good name?"
395
00:26:34,885 --> 00:26:36,762
"Your surname, family name?"
396
00:26:36,845 --> 00:26:39,473
"Oh. Why didn't you say so? Peters."
397
00:26:40,057 --> 00:26:42,434
"Okay. And your first name?"
398
00:26:43,227 --> 00:26:44,561
"What's that?"
399
00:26:44,937 --> 00:26:46,480
"Your first name."
400
00:26:48,357 --> 00:26:50,651
"I don't have a forest name.
401
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:55,614
Enchanted?
402
00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:00,619
If I was in the forest,
my name would be 'Lost.'
403
00:27:00,702 --> 00:27:02,037
What are you asking me now?"
404
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:03,914
"No, sir. Your first name?"
405
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:06,542
"What the fuck is my forest name?
What is that?
406
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:07,793
Slow it down, buddy."
407
00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:09,169
"First name."
408
00:27:09,253 --> 00:27:11,213
"That's the same fucking thing!"
409
00:27:14,258 --> 00:27:18,303
"Sir, the name you use on a daily basis."
410
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:25,602
"Oh, heh, sorry, man. Russell."
411
00:27:26,270 --> 00:27:28,188
"Okay.
412
00:27:29,857 --> 00:27:32,818
No way!
413
00:27:35,612 --> 00:27:37,447
Is it really you?"
414
00:27:38,157 --> 00:27:40,534
I'm all proud.
I'm like, "Yes, it is."
415
00:27:40,617 --> 00:27:42,452
He goes,
"Well, well, well.
416
00:27:43,287 --> 00:27:45,956
All those jokes you made, huh?
417
00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:48,834
Now who needs help, huh?
418
00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:52,880
Okay, bastard.
Here's what we're going to do.
419
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:56,425
I'm going to mirror your computer."
420
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:59,136
"What?"
"Mirror your computer."
421
00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:01,471
"Mirror my computer?
What does that mean?"
422
00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:04,933
"I'm going to gain
full access to your laptop remotely."
423
00:28:05,434 --> 00:28:07,102
"Really? How do you..?"
424
00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:09,563
Then I see the mouse
moving around on my screen.
425
00:28:09,646 --> 00:28:10,689
"What the hell happened?"
426
00:28:10,772 --> 00:28:13,275
"I have gained full access to your laptop.
427
00:28:13,609 --> 00:28:15,110
Let's go through your history."
428
00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:18,363
"Let's not go through
my history. How about that? Let's..."
429
00:28:18,989 --> 00:28:22,951
"Well, well, well. Heh. Lusty grandmas."
430
00:28:26,955 --> 00:28:28,540
"It was a pop-up."
431
00:28:29,124 --> 00:28:31,752
"I'm sure they popped up just fine, huh?
432
00:28:32,878 --> 00:28:35,005
Seems to pop-up three, four times a day."
433
00:28:40,302 --> 00:28:42,846
How you doing, sir?
You good? What's your name?
434
00:28:42,930 --> 00:28:43,805
-Vince.
-Vince.
435
00:28:43,889 --> 00:28:44,890
-Italian?
-Yep.
436
00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:46,558
I could tell by the way you said "Vince."
437
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:51,146
"Hey, Vince. Always got to sound
like I'm doing some illegal shit."
438
00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:53,774
I love talking to Italian guys.
439
00:28:53,857 --> 00:28:55,984
They fuck the air
when you talk to them. Ever see that?
440
00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:58,153
"Bro, where you been?"
441
00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:05,577
"I'm on the 400. I'm going north."
442
00:29:05,661 --> 00:29:08,538
"Not the 400. 401.
443
00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:12,584
You don't need to go this way.
You need to go that way."
444
00:29:18,674 --> 00:29:21,677
Is that your lovely wife?
Hi, lovely wife. How are you?
445
00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:24,179
-How long you guys been together?
-Twenty-one years.
446
00:29:24,263 --> 00:29:26,556
Twenty-one years. That's great.
That's good.
447
00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:32,646
Kids? Not you two.
I mean, do you have kids?
448
00:29:32,729 --> 00:29:33,563
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
449
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,440
-One girl.
-One girl. How old?
450
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:38,318
-Thirteen.
-Thirteen. Nice. You waited. That's nice.
451
00:29:38,819 --> 00:29:41,488
Thought you'd enjoy each other
for a few years, and then:
452
00:29:43,865 --> 00:29:45,575
Send one home. You know?
453
00:29:49,204 --> 00:29:53,041
She bent over in the kitchen, and you were
on the phone giving directions.
454
00:29:55,002 --> 00:29:58,255
"Vince, I just need to get this pot."
"What are you doing?"
455
00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:01,258
"Oh, my God! I'm pregnant."
456
00:30:05,262 --> 00:30:07,848
One girl. That's all you wanted, right?
One kid? You..
457
00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:12,269
I got one. I got a daughter, as well.
I like her. She's, um..
458
00:30:13,145 --> 00:30:16,690
One's all you need. I'm not..
I don't want more than one kid.
459
00:30:16,773 --> 00:30:19,609
I'm not fucking collecting them.
You know what I mean?
460
00:30:19,693 --> 00:30:23,739
They're not going up in value, you know?
So, one and done for me.
461
00:30:25,574 --> 00:30:29,119
I think the real reason, like,
I never wanted more kids is because...
462
00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:32,622
I know me, and I know what an idiot I am.
463
00:30:33,749 --> 00:30:36,877
And I'm one of those people
who gets dazzled by new things.
464
00:30:37,252 --> 00:30:41,173
So, I don't want my daughter to be,
like, the object of everything in my life,
465
00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:44,051
then a new kid comes along,
"Beat it, kid. Look at this one."
466
00:30:44,134 --> 00:30:45,844
She's like, "I thought you loved me?"
467
00:30:45,927 --> 00:30:48,305
"I do. Look at this new one.
It's so much better."
468
00:30:48,388 --> 00:30:52,017
I know what an idiot I am. So,
this is just gonna be the one and done.
469
00:30:53,143 --> 00:30:54,936
-You spoil her?
-Yeah.
470
00:30:55,020 --> 00:30:56,897
Oh, yeah. How old are you, Vince?
471
00:30:57,481 --> 00:30:59,566
-Forty-six.
-Forty-six. We're the same age.
472
00:30:59,649 --> 00:31:03,153
You know what I mean?
"Yeah. No problem. Forty-six."
473
00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:06,656
And you had immigrant parents, Vince?
Yeah.
474
00:31:06,740 --> 00:31:09,034
From Italy?
Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.
475
00:31:09,117 --> 00:31:10,911
Immigrant parents, they don't play.
476
00:31:11,453 --> 00:31:13,914
Immigrant parents
don't give you idle threats.
477
00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:17,167
If they tell you to do something,
they fucking mean do that.
478
00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:20,587
There's no negotiating.
You don't talk back to your parents.
479
00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:23,423
You're Italian. You'd get a schiaffo
right on your head. Right?
480
00:31:28,011 --> 00:31:31,223
Let me tell you what happened.
My daughter was in her bedroom,
481
00:31:31,306 --> 00:31:33,141
laying on her bed,
482
00:31:33,517 --> 00:31:36,103
and I.. And I burst into her room, right?
483
00:31:36,186 --> 00:31:38,522
First, she's five.
She's not gonna be doing anything weird.
484
00:31:38,605 --> 00:31:39,815
Uh...
485
00:31:39,940 --> 00:31:43,193
Second of all, it's my house,
I'll burst into whatever room I want.
486
00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:48,323
So, I.. My daughter's lying on her bed
with her iPad watching Frozen.
487
00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:50,450
You know? As children do.
488
00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:54,121
And so, I burst in and I'm like, "Baby!"
489
00:31:54,454 --> 00:31:59,793
And I guess it startled her, but
she didn't react like a 5-year-old. Aah!
490
00:31:59,876 --> 00:32:01,378
She reacted like a woman.
491
00:32:02,379 --> 00:32:03,755
She got angry.
492
00:32:04,965 --> 00:32:08,677
Not like a little kid.
She became a woman instantly.
493
00:32:09,511 --> 00:32:11,179
And then I was like, "Baby!"
And she went..
494
00:32:11,263 --> 00:32:12,347
Shh!
495
00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:23,483
Without using any words,
my daughter went, "Motherfucker!
496
00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:27,946
Do you not see what I'm doing?!"
497
00:32:33,535 --> 00:32:36,788
And if your kid ever calls you
a motherfucker, you can't get mad.
498
00:32:38,081 --> 00:32:39,207
Because, yeah.
499
00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:43,253
You are, Vince.
500
00:32:45,172 --> 00:32:47,674
If you weren't a motherfucker,
they wouldn't be here.
501
00:32:49,926 --> 00:32:53,930
If there's any kids in here, I want you
to try calling your dad a motherfucker.
502
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:58,810
Um, you look young, buddy. So, try it.
But you can't do it when you're angry.
503
00:32:58,894 --> 00:33:01,396
You gotta do it when everything's calm,
you know?
504
00:33:01,646 --> 00:33:07,194
Like, you can be at the dinner table.
"Ma, this pot roast is fantastic.
505
00:33:07,277 --> 00:33:09,237
Hey, motherfucker, can you pass the peas?"
506
00:33:14,409 --> 00:33:16,077
"Sure. What the.. What happened?"
507
00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:23,168
But she got so mad,
and just immediately was just..
508
00:33:23,251 --> 00:33:24,336
Shh!
509
00:33:25,045 --> 00:33:26,922
And I just thought it was hilarious.
510
00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:28,924
I started laughing immediately.
511
00:33:29,257 --> 00:33:31,968
Now, I don't know
if that's because I'm a comedian.
512
00:33:32,052 --> 00:33:33,553
Or if I'm just a shit parent.
513
00:33:34,387 --> 00:33:36,097
But my little daughter went: Shh!
514
00:33:37,390 --> 00:33:39,434
And I thought it was the funniest thing
in the world.
515
00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:42,521
And the more I laughed,
the angrier she got,
516
00:33:42,604 --> 00:33:44,356
like a real woman.
517
00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:48,401
And the angrier she got,
the more I laughed.
518
00:33:48,485 --> 00:33:50,654
Until it was just like, "Daddy! Stop it!"
519
00:33:50,737 --> 00:33:52,489
And I'm like, "I can't!"
520
00:33:54,866 --> 00:33:56,493
And then I thought about it.
521
00:33:56,576 --> 00:34:00,872
I can't picture.. I can't even imagine
one single time in my life,
522
00:34:01,164 --> 00:34:05,710
let alone at 5, that I could have ever
said, "shh," to my parents.
523
00:34:07,003 --> 00:34:10,757
Sitting in the living room, watching TV,
and my dad walks in, "Russell."
524
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:11,841
Shh.
525
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:32,487
"You don't shush me!
526
00:34:34,698 --> 00:34:36,157
I'll throw that TV at you!"
527
00:34:37,117 --> 00:34:41,162
This was 1975
when TVs weighed 1800 pounds,
528
00:34:41,830 --> 00:34:43,331
when it was more than just a TV.
529
00:34:43,415 --> 00:34:46,751
It was a TV, it was a speaker system,
it was a shelving unit.
530
00:34:46,835 --> 00:34:48,378
It had a turntable on the top
531
00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:50,463
with a cassette deck
and an 8-track player.
532
00:34:50,547 --> 00:34:53,091
It had a shitty doily
that ran across the top.
533
00:34:59,097 --> 00:35:02,475
It had a vase with plastic flowers
in it for no reason.
534
00:35:03,602 --> 00:35:06,813
Remember the plastic flowers?
They were huge in the Indian world.
535
00:35:06,896 --> 00:35:11,735
Indian community. "Plastic? Wait, wait.
So, we just buy the one flower, one time,
536
00:35:12,485 --> 00:35:14,237
and you don't have to replenish it.
537
00:35:16,323 --> 00:35:17,365
Genius.
538
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:20,660
Absolute genius."
539
00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:28,918
Remember those plastic flowers
that were like this long,
540
00:35:29,044 --> 00:35:31,338
and they were on a wire, plastic?
541
00:35:31,421 --> 00:35:35,425
My dad was so cheap, he bought one,
he bought a vase that was only this big,
542
00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:37,302
so we had to bend the wire.
543
00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:41,264
So, now, you have, like, half a flower
and half a wire sticking out.
544
00:35:42,057 --> 00:35:44,351
And nobody ever dusted them
or cleaned them,
545
00:35:44,434 --> 00:35:46,645
so they were never the color they were.
546
00:35:46,728 --> 00:35:48,188
People would walk by, ooh..
547
00:35:50,607 --> 00:35:52,108
"Oh, red. Nice. Nice."
548
00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:57,947
Think about how angry your parents were
all the time. They were mad.
549
00:35:58,031 --> 00:36:01,618
Always. I don't know why they were so mad.
They weren't mad at you. Just mad.
550
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,330
Our parents had no problem
disappointing us, did they?
551
00:36:05,413 --> 00:36:08,083
I'll do whatever it takes
to not disappoint my daughter.
552
00:36:08,166 --> 00:36:11,252
If I tell them I'm gonna do something,
I'll do that plus something else.
553
00:36:11,336 --> 00:36:13,004
You know, because we're idiots.
554
00:36:13,088 --> 00:36:17,384
Because we grew up wanting things.
I never had more than I needed.
555
00:36:17,592 --> 00:36:20,929
I never did without.
I mean, but I never had extra shit.
556
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:24,557
Like, I would get the one pair of shoes
every year in September for school,
557
00:36:24,641 --> 00:36:27,894
and it was like, "Son,
you're getting one new pair of sneakers."
558
00:36:28,645 --> 00:36:29,688
I'm like, "Yes."
559
00:36:29,771 --> 00:36:31,690
"Let's go see what BiWay has.
560
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:40,281
I have a coupon.
561
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,618
I, too, am getting a pair."
562
00:36:47,997 --> 00:36:50,667
I would get one toy a year. One toy.
563
00:36:51,084 --> 00:36:54,212
On my birthday. It was..
It was such a bullshit deal, though.
564
00:36:54,295 --> 00:36:58,133
My birthday would come, my dad would be
like, "Let's go to the toy store."
565
00:36:58,216 --> 00:37:02,137
And we'd go to the toy store, and my dad
would be like, "You can have anything
566
00:37:02,303 --> 00:37:03,847
in this bucket right here."
567
00:37:08,226 --> 00:37:12,230
"Everything's broken in that.
This gun is in two pieces."
568
00:37:12,605 --> 00:37:14,816
"Why don't you look at it as two guns?
569
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:17,694
The glass is half full."
570
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:22,657
So, when you grow up like that,
when you want things,
571
00:37:22,741 --> 00:37:24,534
and you get a little money, you do it.
572
00:37:24,617 --> 00:37:25,994
I got a little bit of money.
573
00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,247
I start buying everything I wanted,
then I spoil my daughter.
574
00:37:29,330 --> 00:37:31,291
I buy her shit she doesn't know she wants.
575
00:37:31,374 --> 00:37:33,376
I buy it 'cause I would have wanted it.
576
00:37:35,545 --> 00:37:38,173
Not wanting to disappoint your child
can backfire on you.
577
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:39,632
Let me tell you what happened.
578
00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:42,719
Couple years ago, I moved
into this new house. I was building..
579
00:37:42,802 --> 00:37:45,805
Not building.. I had a really nice bedroom
for my daughter.
580
00:37:46,181 --> 00:37:47,515
I do have. Not had.
581
00:37:47,599 --> 00:37:49,976
I didn't lose the shit. I, uh..
582
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:53,188
And I wanted to get a really cool bed.
583
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:56,274
And I was like, "Baby,
I wanna get you a really fun bed."
584
00:37:56,357 --> 00:37:58,276
And she's like, "I want a fun bed."
585
00:37:58,443 --> 00:37:59,944
She was three at the time.
586
00:38:00,195 --> 00:38:02,822
And then I go, "Come on.
Come here. Sit with me.
587
00:38:03,072 --> 00:38:04,908
And we'll look at beds online."
588
00:38:04,991 --> 00:38:05,867
She goes, "Okay."
589
00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:09,162
So, I pull up my laptop,
and I go to Google.
590
00:38:09,370 --> 00:38:11,664
I put safe search on
'cause I'm not an idiot.
591
00:38:13,166 --> 00:38:17,086
You know, I don't need dicks flying up
when I'm trying to look at stuff.
592
00:38:17,170 --> 00:38:23,885
Put safe search on, and then I type in
"cool beds for little girls."
593
00:38:24,761 --> 00:38:29,349
And all these cool beds showed up online.
594
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:32,852
It was like.. This shit I'd never..
I didn't even dream about seeing.
595
00:38:32,936 --> 00:38:35,772
And then.. And she goes,
"Daddy, I want a castle bed."
596
00:38:35,855 --> 00:38:39,943
And I'm like, "I want a castle bed, too.
I mean, for you."
597
00:38:40,777 --> 00:38:43,238
So, we find this castle bed. It's amazing.
598
00:38:43,363 --> 00:38:46,115
It's a queen-sized bed on the bottom.
599
00:38:46,366 --> 00:38:47,700
Full queen-sized bed.
600
00:38:47,867 --> 00:38:52,372
And then, it's got stairs
that lead upstairs to a double bed.
601
00:38:52,455 --> 00:38:54,457
And it has a steeple like a castle.
602
00:38:54,582 --> 00:38:57,293
And then it has a slide
that comes around the other side.
603
00:38:57,377 --> 00:38:59,212
My daughter's like, "I want that one!"
604
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:01,381
And I go,
"I want you to have that one, too."
605
00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:02,799
And we're high-fiving.
606
00:39:02,882 --> 00:39:04,384
Yay! Yay!
607
00:39:04,467 --> 00:39:06,052
"Is it gonna be here tomorrow?"
608
00:39:06,135 --> 00:39:08,096
"Wait, let me first buy it."
609
00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:10,849
So, I'm like "add to cart." Yes.
610
00:39:10,932 --> 00:39:12,767
Check out. Yes.
611
00:39:12,851 --> 00:39:16,271
And she's like, "Will it be here?"
"Hold on. Let me just hit 'purchase.'"
612
00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:18,565
Purchase. $10,000.
613
00:39:18,857 --> 00:39:20,108
And I'm like, "Fuck me!"
614
00:39:20,191 --> 00:39:22,694
And my daughter's like, "What?"
"No, no, no!"
615
00:39:24,696 --> 00:39:26,948
And I had to buy it,
she was sitting right there.
616
00:39:27,031 --> 00:39:30,952
And I got her all excited about it.
I bought a $10,000 bed for a 3-year-old.
617
00:39:31,077 --> 00:39:33,162
And this little bitch
hasn't slept in it once!
618
00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:40,545
Two fucking years,
and she hasn't slept in the goddamn bed!
619
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:46,676
She has a queen-sized bed...
620
00:39:48,011 --> 00:39:49,596
from the age of 3.
621
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:52,849
I never had a queen-sized bed
till I was 30.
622
00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:59,480
And that was because that's when
I moved out of my parents' house.
623
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:04,402
I know.. You guys go, "Thirty?" I'm like,
"For an Indian guy, that's pretty young."
624
00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:09,365
I was.. I was 30 when I moved out and..
625
00:40:10,450 --> 00:40:13,870
My brother was 36. He was..
He goes, "Where are you going?"
626
00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:17,165
"Moving out." "I better go with you.
I don't wanna look like a loser."
627
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:19,918
"It's too late. You're 36. It's.."
628
00:40:24,172 --> 00:40:25,548
-You have kids, sir?
-Yes.
629
00:40:25,632 --> 00:40:26,591
-How many?
-Two.
630
00:40:26,674 --> 00:40:27,759
Two. Are those them?
631
00:40:29,052 --> 00:40:30,595
-Those your kids? Are they..?
-No.
632
00:40:30,678 --> 00:40:31,638
No? Okay. I just..
633
00:40:33,806 --> 00:40:36,768
I saw two more white people.
I figured they might be yours.
634
00:40:37,936 --> 00:40:39,979
-What do you have?
-A daughter and a son.
635
00:40:40,063 --> 00:40:42,398
A daughter and son.
Who's older, daughter or son?
636
00:40:42,482 --> 00:40:44,817
-Daughter.
-Daughter. Which one do you like better?
637
00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:48,196
Both? Wait. Wait.
Listen to the question, sir.
638
00:40:48,988 --> 00:40:49,822
What's your name?
639
00:40:50,406 --> 00:40:51,616
-Greg.
-Okay, Greg.
640
00:40:52,617 --> 00:40:54,702
When I ask
which one do you like better,
641
00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:56,871
I'm not asking you
which one you love more.
642
00:40:56,955 --> 00:40:59,666
I don't think you love either of them
more than the other. Correct?
643
00:40:59,749 --> 00:41:01,876
-Yes.
-You love them both equally.
644
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:04,545
You don't want anything bad to happen
to either of them,
645
00:41:04,796 --> 00:41:06,172
but you like one better.
646
00:41:07,090 --> 00:41:09,342
It's.. It's human nature, Greg.
647
00:41:09,676 --> 00:41:12,345
Listen, liking one of your children
more than the other
648
00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:15,014
is literally the difference
between running and walking.
649
00:41:15,181 --> 00:41:18,393
Let me explain. You're in the living room,
you're watching TV,
650
00:41:18,601 --> 00:41:21,396
and all of a sudden,
you hear somebody fall down the stairs.
651
00:41:24,857 --> 00:41:26,609
"Oh, my God. Who was that?" "It's me."
652
00:41:26,693 --> 00:41:27,568
"Oh, my God!"
653
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:29,654
Right? Okay.
654
00:41:35,034 --> 00:41:38,079
You're in the living room, watching TV.
All of a sudden, you hear:
655
00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:42,667
"Oh, my God! Who was that?" "It's me."
656
00:41:42,750 --> 00:41:44,168
"Oh, for fuck sakes."
657
00:41:48,589 --> 00:41:51,217
You're.. You're still gonna go...
658
00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:54,095
but which one are you running for?
659
00:41:55,430 --> 00:41:56,639
Probably the girl, huh?
660
00:41:57,181 --> 00:41:58,766
-There you go.
-How old are they?
661
00:41:59,308 --> 00:42:01,936
-My daughter's 14. My son is 28.
-Your daughter's 14.
662
00:42:02,020 --> 00:42:04,939
Your son's 28. Wait, I thought you said
your son was younger?
663
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:09,110
Oh, he's older. So, that's the baby,
always. It's the little girl, right?
664
00:42:10,111 --> 00:42:11,612
Yeah, that's the way we work.
665
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:13,906
-What's your name, buddy?
-Omar.
666
00:42:13,990 --> 00:42:15,575
Omar. Where's your family from?
667
00:42:16,159 --> 00:42:17,869
Egypt. Oh, shit, that's sphinx.
668
00:42:18,786 --> 00:42:20,038
Um...
669
00:42:21,122 --> 00:42:23,416
Nope. That joke flew right past him.
I like that.
670
00:42:24,667 --> 00:42:27,336
I waited for a second,
but it didn't go anywhere.
671
00:42:27,420 --> 00:42:29,839
-And is that your girlfriend, your wife?
-My wife.
672
00:42:29,922 --> 00:42:31,883
Your wife? And she's not Egyptian, right?
673
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:33,760
Are you okay, sweetheart? Are you..?
674
00:42:36,012 --> 00:42:37,680
Are you a hostage?
675
00:42:40,141 --> 00:42:41,642
Blink if you need help.
676
00:42:52,487 --> 00:42:55,031
You grew up in Poland.
When did you move to Canada?
677
00:42:55,114 --> 00:42:56,783
-In '82.
-'82.
678
00:42:56,866 --> 00:42:59,535
So, when you grew up in Poland,
were you learning..?
679
00:42:59,619 --> 00:43:01,329
Were they speaking Russian back then?
680
00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:04,165
-I had to take Russian.
-You had to take Russian.
681
00:43:04,248 --> 00:43:07,168
-So, you speak Russian or understand it?
-Yeah. A little bit.
682
00:43:07,251 --> 00:43:10,004
Yeah. I just learned how to say
"how are you?" in Russian.
683
00:43:10,088 --> 00:43:13,174
Do you know how to say "how are you?"
in Russian, Vince? "Cock dealer."
684
00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:17,678
I swear. This Russian guy walked up to me.
He goes, "Hey, kak dela?"
685
00:43:17,762 --> 00:43:19,180
I go, "Hey, hey, hey, man."
686
00:43:23,226 --> 00:43:25,978
I don't give a shit
if you're a blackjack dealer, all right?
687
00:43:26,229 --> 00:43:28,606
Don't come around here
offering me all that.
688
00:43:28,689 --> 00:43:30,733
When you find vag dealer, send her over.
689
00:43:35,780 --> 00:43:38,866
I like listening to people speak Russian.
You ever heard people speak Russian?
690
00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:41,786
It's amazing.
They sound like they're talking backwards.
691
00:43:42,370 --> 00:43:43,412
Vladimir...
692
00:43:53,756 --> 00:43:54,590
Blyad.
693
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,930
That's a real swear word
in Russian, blyad.
694
00:44:03,558 --> 00:44:07,228
It's like they didn't have a swear word
and some guy drank too much vodka.
695
00:44:07,311 --> 00:44:08,688
"Boris, how do you feel?"
696
00:44:10,857 --> 00:44:11,899
He feels blyad.
697
00:44:12,733 --> 00:44:14,318
Are there any Russian people here?
698
00:44:16,154 --> 00:44:17,613
All right. Where are you?
699
00:44:18,739 --> 00:44:20,366
-You Russian, bro?
-Yeah, bro.
700
00:44:20,741 --> 00:44:22,034
-What's your name?
-Anand.
701
00:44:22,118 --> 00:44:23,035
What? Anand?
702
00:44:27,748 --> 00:44:28,791
Omar?
703
00:44:30,751 --> 00:44:31,836
Jamaal?
704
00:44:35,715 --> 00:44:37,049
Where are you from, Anand?
705
00:44:37,592 --> 00:44:39,135
My parents are from Uzbekistan.
706
00:44:39,218 --> 00:44:42,972
Your parents are from Uzbekistan.
Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.
707
00:44:43,347 --> 00:44:47,059
Yeah. There's.. Okay. So, yeah,
you're speaking Russian. Speak Russian?
708
00:44:47,143 --> 00:44:47,977
-Yeah.
-Nice.
709
00:44:48,561 --> 00:44:50,521
Maybe you can clear this up for me.
710
00:44:50,855 --> 00:44:52,315
Um...
711
00:44:52,899 --> 00:44:55,693
Uh, last summer,
I had to do some plumbing work
712
00:44:55,776 --> 00:44:57,695
on my house in Los Angeles,
713
00:44:58,112 --> 00:45:00,698
and I hired these two Russian plumbers.
714
00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:03,993
Great guys. Let me just say this.
They were great guys.
715
00:45:04,076 --> 00:45:07,622
They were reasonably priced.
They were on time. They were tidy.
716
00:45:07,705 --> 00:45:11,751
They did good work. They never gave me
any problems. They were respectful.
717
00:45:12,335 --> 00:45:16,047
But... every day
when they would come to work,
718
00:45:16,297 --> 00:45:19,884
they would call me by my last name
and then giggle like little kids.
719
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:22,178
"Good morning, Mr. Peter."
720
00:45:27,308 --> 00:45:29,101
I'm like, "It's Peters. Mr. Peters."
721
00:45:29,185 --> 00:45:30,227
"Okay, Peter."
722
00:45:34,899 --> 00:45:37,485
"Why don't you call me Russell?"
"Okay. Russell Peter."
723
00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:44,659
I'm like, "What are they laughing at?"
So, I called one of my Russian friends.
724
00:45:44,742 --> 00:45:48,537
Like, "Yo, these guys come to the house,
they call me by my last name and giggle."
725
00:45:48,621 --> 00:45:52,750
He goes, "What are they saying?"
"Mr. Peter." Then he's like:
726
00:45:53,876 --> 00:45:55,294
"That's messed up, man."
727
00:45:55,378 --> 00:45:56,212
I go, "Why?"
728
00:45:56,504 --> 00:45:59,090
"Your last name.
In Russian, it means 'faggot.'"
729
00:46:04,095 --> 00:46:05,972
"Like, do you mean gay?" "No."
730
00:46:06,138 --> 00:46:08,683
"Homosexual?" "No. Faggot."
731
00:46:10,309 --> 00:46:11,352
"Mr. Peter...
732
00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:14,981
seems your pipes are blocked."
733
00:46:17,024 --> 00:46:18,776
"Nice castle bed, Peter."
734
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:29,787
I'm.. I'm what they call a sleeper.
735
00:46:29,996 --> 00:46:30,830
I, uh...
736
00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:33,499
I'm lazy is what I'm trying to tell you.
737
00:46:33,749 --> 00:46:36,293
I love sleep. Like, I genuinely..
738
00:46:36,377 --> 00:46:38,462
If I can get 14 hours a day, I'm good.
739
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:43,634
I might have been a koala in my last life
or something, you know? But...
740
00:46:45,177 --> 00:46:46,512
I just love sleep.
741
00:46:46,595 --> 00:46:49,306
I've been doing stand-up for 27 years,
not because..
742
00:46:49,390 --> 00:46:51,225
I do love what I do. Don't get it wrong.
743
00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:53,602
But I didn't get into this
because I was like:
744
00:46:53,686 --> 00:46:56,856
"Oh, I'm gonna be looking..
One day, I'll be something."
745
00:46:57,106 --> 00:47:00,693
No. I got into this because in 1989,
I was standing around with my friends,
746
00:47:00,776 --> 00:47:05,573
and I was like, "Yo, I wanna get a job
where I could sleep all day...
747
00:47:06,907 --> 00:47:09,285
and then work for, I don't know,
like, an hour.
748
00:47:15,791 --> 00:47:18,836
And my friend goes, "Comedian."
I'm like, "I'll take it."
749
00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:21,338
"You don't know how."
"I'll figure it out."
750
00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:25,593
This isn't talent.
This is determination... for sleep.
751
00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:30,431
I love sleep.
And when we're sleeping with you, ladies..
752
00:47:30,723 --> 00:47:32,350
And I mean sleeping with you.
753
00:47:32,767 --> 00:47:33,809
Just sleeping.
754
00:47:35,519 --> 00:47:39,398
..you need to know that your man
respects your sleep, because a man..
755
00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:43,027
I mean, when I'm sleeping
and my girlfriend's beside me,
756
00:47:43,110 --> 00:47:46,322
I will do whatever it takes
to not disturb her sleep.
757
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:48,491
And I would hope she would do the same.
758
00:47:48,783 --> 00:47:51,327
But I will do whatever it takes
to not ruin her sleep.
759
00:47:51,410 --> 00:47:55,039
Obviously, there's those times when
you roll over in the middle of the night.
760
00:47:55,122 --> 00:47:55,956
You know, it's..
761
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:34,662
We'll do that until we've.. "Get off me!"
I'm like, "Oh, my God! Sorry.
762
00:48:35,246 --> 00:48:38,624
Oh, my God. Thank God you woke me up.
I was having a nightmare. I..."
763
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:51,762
But other than that...
764
00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:56,100
we'll do whatever it takes
to not disturb your sleep.
765
00:48:56,809 --> 00:48:58,853
When we're sleeping with you, ladies..
766
00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:03,441
And I know this.. For me, especially.
When my girlfriend's asleep beside me,
767
00:49:03,524 --> 00:49:05,693
I'll do whatever it takes
to not disturb her.
768
00:49:05,776 --> 00:49:08,612
And more often than not,
now, especially after 40,
769
00:49:08,821 --> 00:49:12,283
like, 3:30 in the morning,
I'll get waken up 'cause I have to pee,
770
00:49:13,534 --> 00:49:17,371
and then I'm like, "You know what?
Look at her, all pretty and sleepy and...
771
00:49:17,955 --> 00:49:21,417
I don't wanna disturb her,
so I'm gonna risk a bladder infection."
772
00:49:22,710 --> 00:49:24,545
And then I go back to sleep. Right?
773
00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:28,924
And then about ten minutes into my sleep,
I start dreaming about peeing.
774
00:49:29,842 --> 00:49:33,512
That's your body going, "Hey, didn't I try
to tell you something a minute ago?"
775
00:49:34,388 --> 00:49:37,308
The minute you start dreaming about
peeing, you have to get up and do it,
776
00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:40,644
'cause your body's like, "Nah, uh-uh.
We're not playing this game."
777
00:49:41,187 --> 00:49:44,064
And when I finally agree
that I'm gonna go to the bathroom,
778
00:49:44,148 --> 00:49:49,612
I become the most stealth-like ninja
human being you've ever seen in your life.
779
00:49:49,737 --> 00:49:51,947
I start edging towards my side of the bed.
780
00:49:53,157 --> 00:49:57,036
And while I'm doing that, I'm pushing up
the blanket right behind her, you know?
781
00:49:57,119 --> 00:49:59,121
So, that way it feel like I'm still there.
782
00:49:59,205 --> 00:50:02,875
Then when I get to the edge of the bed,
I literally pour myself out of the bed.
783
00:50:06,879 --> 00:50:10,257
Then I get up. When you go to the bathroom
in the middle of the night,
784
00:50:10,341 --> 00:50:12,843
guys, you have to make an announcement.
785
00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:14,470
It doesn't have to be loud.
786
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:18,891
It doesn't have to disturb anybody,
but you have to say, "I just gotta pee."
787
00:50:20,768 --> 00:50:23,020
Because if she wakes up
and you're not there,
788
00:50:23,103 --> 00:50:25,856
she immediately assumes
you're sleeping with somebody else.
789
00:50:26,315 --> 00:50:29,401
It's a safety thing.
It's an insurance policy.
790
00:50:30,402 --> 00:50:31,904
She doesn't have to react to it.
791
00:50:31,987 --> 00:50:35,241
She doesn't have to move.
You just have to say, "I just gotta pee."
792
00:50:35,783 --> 00:50:38,994
And she's dreaming. She's asleep.
She's dreaming about playing tennis.
793
00:50:42,206 --> 00:50:43,415
"I just gotta pee."
794
00:50:52,091 --> 00:50:54,760
Made my announcement.
Ready to go to the bathroom.
795
00:50:54,843 --> 00:50:57,596
I know where the squeaks are
in the floor, so I avoid them.
796
00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,306
I tiptoe the whole way.
797
00:51:00,182 --> 00:51:03,185
When you get to the bathroom door, guys,
this is very important.
798
00:51:03,269 --> 00:51:06,730
You have to grip the handle firmly,
very firmly.
799
00:51:07,398 --> 00:51:09,566
And I open it so slowly.
800
00:51:09,817 --> 00:51:10,985
I turn the knob so slow
801
00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:15,155
that you could literally hear
the spring inside recoiling.
802
00:51:15,864 --> 00:51:17,074
Like coil by coil.
803
00:51:20,452 --> 00:51:22,871
And you're like, "Shut the fuck up, door."
804
00:51:23,372 --> 00:51:25,416
But you're the only one that can hear it.
805
00:51:25,499 --> 00:51:28,377
And then when you get it unlocked,
you have to open it swiftly.
806
00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:31,964
You have to push it open quick.
You can't do it slow, in case it goes:
807
00:51:32,047 --> 00:51:33,048
Right? So, you gotta..
808
00:51:34,216 --> 00:51:35,050
And then...
809
00:51:37,469 --> 00:51:40,055
Then I reach around on the inside
and I grab the handle,
810
00:51:40,139 --> 00:51:42,099
and then I close the door slowly,
and then:
811
00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:46,687
Now I'm able to go to the toilet.
812
00:51:46,770 --> 00:51:51,150
Now, when you get to the toilet, guys,
this is very important. You have to pee...
813
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:53,027
to the inside of the bowl.
814
00:51:55,237 --> 00:51:56,655
Because you don't wanna make..
815
00:51:56,739 --> 00:52:00,409
There's no sense you going through all
the tiptoeing and the...and she just..
816
00:52:00,492 --> 00:52:01,535
You just hear:
817
00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:20,012
You gotta..
818
00:52:22,639 --> 00:52:23,474
You gotta..
819
00:52:25,934 --> 00:52:28,812
You pee to the side of the bowl.
You don't wanna break water.
820
00:52:28,896 --> 00:52:33,776
So, you pee to the inside of the bowl
so the pee just cascades into the water,
821
00:52:34,735 --> 00:52:36,362
and there's no noise.
822
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:41,283
And then when I'm done, I take the seat
and the lid and I close it.
823
00:52:41,617 --> 00:52:45,371
And then I flush, because I'm trying
to mute the noise as much as possible.
824
00:52:45,913 --> 00:52:49,458
And then I stand there
and I wait until the tank refills.
825
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,878
Then, and only then,
do I head back to the bedroom.
826
00:52:53,379 --> 00:52:54,838
I don't wash my hands.
827
00:52:56,924 --> 00:52:59,802
First of all, I took a shower
right before I went to bed.
828
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:02,679
Second of all, it's my dick.
It wasn't dragging through mud.
829
00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:07,434
Literally, a minute ago,
it was asleep on my balls. Just..
830
00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:20,614
And just so you know, ladies,
nine times out of ten,
831
00:53:20,697 --> 00:53:23,534
when a guy goes to the bathroom,
we don't even use our hands.
832
00:53:23,617 --> 00:53:24,952
We pee like Superman. Just..
833
00:53:32,543 --> 00:53:34,503
So, then I tiptoe my way back to bed,
834
00:53:34,586 --> 00:53:37,673
and then when I get to the mattress,
I put my shoulder on it first.
835
00:53:37,756 --> 00:53:41,343
You gotta put your shoulder on the bed.
And then I put one leg up, right?
836
00:53:41,427 --> 00:53:44,930
So, I got an even distribution of weight
on the bed now, right?
837
00:53:45,431 --> 00:53:48,642
And then I just do
this little jujitsu kind of roll.
838
00:53:48,725 --> 00:53:52,813
I just.. I kind of roll my whole body
and then I roll onto the bed, and then:
839
00:53:53,814 --> 00:53:56,066
And, bam, my arm ends up right around her.
840
00:53:56,692 --> 00:54:00,237
And she has no clue that I left
and went to the bathroom.
841
00:54:00,821 --> 00:54:05,826
And we do it that way, ladies,
because men respect a woman's sleep.
842
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:14,543
Now...
843
00:54:15,210 --> 00:54:18,422
when a woman has to go to the
bathroom in the middle of the night,
844
00:54:18,505 --> 00:54:21,592
she doesn't give a shit
if you haven't slept in four years.
845
00:54:22,885 --> 00:54:26,096
If she gets woken up out of her sleep,
it's everybody's problem.
846
00:54:26,180 --> 00:54:28,640
They don't wake up
and think, "I have to pee."
847
00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:31,810
They wake up and go,
"Oh, my God! I gotta pee!"
848
00:54:32,895 --> 00:54:35,230
And then she hurls the blankets.
849
00:54:35,606 --> 00:54:38,859
Hurls the blankets off of her so violently
850
00:54:38,942 --> 00:54:42,154
that they come right off of me
and I'm like, "I'm freezing right now."
851
00:54:45,824 --> 00:54:50,412
And this beautiful, petite, little woman
leaps out of bed like a cat,
852
00:54:50,787 --> 00:54:52,915
but lands like a hippopotamus, just...
853
00:54:56,668 --> 00:55:00,005
She goes and finds her tap shoes
'cause she wants to make extra noise.
854
00:55:06,011 --> 00:55:09,765
Then she gets to the bathroom,
the door handle slips out of her hand.
855
00:55:09,848 --> 00:55:11,058
Slams the door, whack!
856
00:55:12,059 --> 00:55:15,812
Gets into the toilet. Goes to lift seat,
it slips out of her fingers, whack!
857
00:55:15,896 --> 00:55:17,397
Loudest noise in the world.
858
00:55:20,025 --> 00:55:21,235
Then she sits down to pee.
859
00:55:22,402 --> 00:55:25,656
Ladies, when you sit down to pee,
why can't you just sit down and pee?
860
00:55:26,198 --> 00:55:27,908
Why do you have to sit down and go:?
861
00:55:32,538 --> 00:55:34,414
And you ever heard a woman peeing?
862
00:55:34,498 --> 00:55:36,542
It's the loudest thing you'll ever hear.
863
00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:39,002
What are you, cutting concrete in there?
864
00:55:47,636 --> 00:55:50,889
And then when she's done,
she goes to flush, but does half a flush.
865
00:55:51,974 --> 00:55:54,851
And now you've gotta sit
through two flushes. And..
866
00:55:56,270 --> 00:56:00,023
Then she goes to wash her hands
and she knocks over a glass, and then..
867
00:56:00,899 --> 00:56:03,777
Now she's done.
And she storms back to the bedroom.
868
00:56:03,944 --> 00:56:06,196
Storms back to the bedroom.
869
00:56:06,363 --> 00:56:09,032
And she slams that bathroom door
behind her
870
00:56:09,116 --> 00:56:13,245
so hard that it doesn't catch,
it just bounces back open.
871
00:56:14,246 --> 00:56:16,540
And this asshole left a light on in there.
872
00:56:16,623 --> 00:56:19,376
So, now there's a beam of light
entering the bedroom.
873
00:56:20,168 --> 00:56:22,504
And she's stomping her elephant ass back.
874
00:56:24,756 --> 00:56:28,218
She's 110 pounds. I don't know
where all this weight's coming from.
875
00:56:28,302 --> 00:56:30,679
Instead of getting back in the bed
like a normal human being?
876
00:56:30,762 --> 00:56:33,974
No. She turns into fucking Hulk Hogan
when she's coming back to bed.
877
00:56:34,057 --> 00:56:35,809
"I'm coming back to bed, brother."
878
00:56:36,643 --> 00:56:37,477
And she..
879
00:56:45,861 --> 00:56:50,240
And she slams herself on the bed so hard
that my entire body bounces up.
880
00:56:51,408 --> 00:56:53,952
And then I go, "Hey, is everything okay?"
881
00:56:54,202 --> 00:56:56,330
"Oh, my God. Did I wake you?"
882
00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:03,003
Yeah, bitch. You woke everybody
on the northern hemisphere up.
883
00:57:07,841 --> 00:57:08,967
How you doing, buddy?
884
00:57:09,051 --> 00:57:10,719
-What is your name anyway?
-Kevin.
885
00:57:10,802 --> 00:57:11,637
Kevin. Oh, yeah.
886
00:57:12,137 --> 00:57:14,056
Kevin and Edward, the Chinese guys.
887
00:57:15,599 --> 00:57:17,309
Good solid Chinese names.
888
00:57:18,685 --> 00:57:20,354
What style of Asian are you, sir?
889
00:57:20,437 --> 00:57:21,271
-Me?
-Yeah.
890
00:57:21,355 --> 00:57:23,023
-Filipino.
-Filipino. Nice.
891
00:57:23,565 --> 00:57:26,526
That's good. It's not a pep rally
for the Filipinos, it's just..
892
00:57:28,028 --> 00:57:30,155
I was just in the Philippines.
Have you been?
893
00:57:30,739 --> 00:57:31,740
-I have.
-Yeah.
894
00:57:31,823 --> 00:57:35,994
I didn't know that Indian people
in the Philippines are such villains.
895
00:57:37,329 --> 00:57:39,831
Do you know this?
In the Philippines, Indian..
896
00:57:39,915 --> 00:57:42,167
They've vilified Indians so bad.
897
00:57:42,751 --> 00:57:45,796
Like, you.. They literally use
Indian people as a threat
898
00:57:46,254 --> 00:57:47,798
to get their kids to go to sleep.
899
00:57:49,841 --> 00:57:51,969
They would be like,
"If you don't go to bed,
900
00:57:52,052 --> 00:57:54,096
the bumbais will come in the nighttime.
901
00:57:56,056 --> 00:57:58,308
And your blood will run down the streets."
902
00:58:01,979 --> 00:58:04,606
How did we get such a shitty reputation
over there?
903
00:58:08,443 --> 00:58:11,989
I see white people, but I don't see
real proper Canadian white people.
904
00:58:12,072 --> 00:58:15,200
You know that I mean?
Where are the cakers? Where are you?
905
00:58:15,283 --> 00:58:18,495
Sir? Yeah. Look. Yeah.
There you go. Yeah. That's..
906
00:58:19,788 --> 00:58:21,623
There we go. Good. I miss you, guys.
907
00:58:22,290 --> 00:58:25,085
I love when I come back home.
I've been gone for ten years.
908
00:58:25,168 --> 00:58:27,879
And it's so weird,
because when you grow up..
909
00:58:27,963 --> 00:58:29,297
You're born and raised here,
910
00:58:29,381 --> 00:58:32,050
and you don't notice things about it
until you leave.
911
00:58:32,134 --> 00:58:35,095
And I never really noticed
the Canadian accent until I left.
912
00:58:35,637 --> 00:58:38,390
Now, when I come home,
that's all I fucking hear.
913
00:58:38,473 --> 00:58:40,851
And if you really think
about the Canadian accent,
914
00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:44,312
it sounds smart and dumb
at the exact same time, doesn't it?
915
00:58:44,813 --> 00:58:46,940
"Oh, Christ. Look at you, eh?" "Oh, yeah."
916
00:58:48,734 --> 00:58:50,569
"Oh, yeah. Are you back in town?"
917
00:58:50,652 --> 00:58:53,280
"No, it's a fucking hologram
you're looking at, asshole."
918
00:58:56,867 --> 00:58:58,952
"Oh, no doubt, eh?
No doubt. No doubt, eh?"
919
00:58:59,036 --> 00:59:01,163
"Oh, fuck, yeah. No doubt."
920
00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:05,417
"No, fucking doubt. Oh!"
921
00:59:06,209 --> 00:59:10,422
White people talk till they have
no breath. "Fuckers, don't, don't! No!"
922
00:59:18,680 --> 00:59:21,850
"No doubt, eh? Fuck. So, you're gonna
tape the new special, are you?"
923
00:59:21,933 --> 00:59:24,311
"Oh, yeah. Right on. Right on."
924
00:59:25,812 --> 00:59:29,191
I know you probably don't hear it,
even when I'm doing it.
925
00:59:29,274 --> 00:59:30,734
Like, "He sounds normal to me."
926
00:59:30,817 --> 00:59:34,613
But you really gotta pay attention.
Listen to a hockey player in an interview.
927
00:59:34,696 --> 00:59:36,990
They always say
and sound the exact same way.
928
00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:40,786
"Oh, yeah, yeah. No. We got out there
tonight and, uh, you know, coach says
929
00:59:40,869 --> 00:59:42,412
we need to play more as a team
930
00:59:42,496 --> 00:59:45,332
and, you know, push the puck around
and look for openings
931
00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:50,003
and see the guys out there and, you know,
pretty much have a good game of hockey."
932
00:59:52,756 --> 00:59:54,508
"No doubt. No doubt. Oh, yeah."
933
00:59:57,094 --> 00:59:59,429
"No fucking doubt, eh?" "Oh, heh, yeah."
934
01:00:01,431 --> 01:00:03,308
You were born in Canada. Right, sir?
935
01:00:04,059 --> 01:00:04,893
Hello?
936
01:00:07,687 --> 01:00:09,773
Is your..?
Were your parents from Canada, too?
937
01:00:10,315 --> 01:00:12,484
-Yes.
-Yes. That's the real Canadian.
938
01:00:12,567 --> 01:00:15,320
That's.. That's some shit.
You should be like, "Yes!"
939
01:00:17,072 --> 01:00:20,408
We live in a weird time. You realize that?
We live in a time where..
940
01:00:20,492 --> 01:00:24,830
Like in.. Especially in the U.S.,
with their whole election shit going on.
941
01:00:24,913 --> 01:00:27,290
They've made a big deal
out of race this year.
942
01:00:27,457 --> 01:00:30,335
Which is weird. When Obama was in it,
they didn't mention race once.
943
01:00:30,418 --> 01:00:34,297
They were like, "There's a black guy here.
Everybody keep their shit quiet."
944
01:00:36,466 --> 01:00:38,468
Black dude.
Are you a black guy right there?
945
01:00:39,886 --> 01:00:43,181
You might be a dark-ass Indian guy.
I don't know. I'm asking you.
946
01:00:44,391 --> 01:00:45,642
Are you a black guy?
947
01:00:46,601 --> 01:00:47,519
Hello?
948
01:00:48,603 --> 01:00:50,981
Does the mike not reach that way?
Can you not...?
949
01:00:52,566 --> 01:00:53,567
You're a black guy?
950
01:00:53,650 --> 01:00:55,819
-Black and Indian guy.
-Black and Indian guy?
951
01:00:55,902 --> 01:00:58,196
Okay. Well,
you got the best of both worlds.
952
01:00:59,656 --> 01:01:02,617
You can run fast and spell great, so,
um...
953
01:01:05,912 --> 01:01:07,372
That's a black guy right there.
954
01:01:07,455 --> 01:01:11,042
Black dude. You're a black guy?
You know that? I don't think I need to...
955
01:01:11,459 --> 01:01:13,378
-How old are you anyway?
-I'm 39.
956
01:01:13,461 --> 01:01:17,007
Thirty-nine. See, you have to ask
a black person their age.
957
01:01:17,507 --> 01:01:20,886
You always have to ask, 'cause
you can never guess a black person's age.
958
01:01:20,969 --> 01:01:23,096
You will be wrong
100 percent of the time.
959
01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:27,475
'Cause here's the thing with black people.
They stop aging at some point.
960
01:01:27,559 --> 01:01:28,768
Their body goes, "Fuck it.
961
01:01:31,062 --> 01:01:32,647
This is as old as I'm gonna look."
962
01:01:33,899 --> 01:01:36,109
But their insides keep aging, you know?
963
01:01:36,401 --> 01:01:38,904
That's how you can tell
a black person's age. Ask them.
964
01:01:38,987 --> 01:01:41,364
You hear it in their voice.
Their voice gets older.
965
01:01:41,448 --> 01:01:44,492
And then their points of reference start
to get really obscure.
966
01:01:44,576 --> 01:01:45,744
"What are you, like 40?"
967
01:01:45,827 --> 01:01:47,329
"Uh-uh. Baby.
968
01:01:48,997 --> 01:01:52,000
I ain't been 40 in about 45 years.
969
01:01:53,793 --> 01:01:55,503
Shit. I know. That's right.
970
01:01:56,421 --> 01:01:58,548
That make me wanna jitterbug."
971
01:02:02,135 --> 01:02:04,721
Why the black community and the police
have a hard time,
972
01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:07,641
'cause the cops could never describe
a black man properly.
973
01:02:07,724 --> 01:02:11,978
Well, the suspect is a black male
between the age of 18 and 97.
974
01:02:20,737 --> 01:02:23,615
Everything is race-based. You know?
And that's fine for me.
975
01:02:23,698 --> 01:02:28,286
I made a living out of it.
But... when it hits the political side..
976
01:02:28,370 --> 01:02:30,372
You got Donald Trump
saying crazy shit like:
977
01:02:30,455 --> 01:02:32,749
"No more immigrants.
I'm gonna stop immigration."
978
01:02:32,832 --> 01:02:35,460
I'm like, "Donald Trump,
if you stop immigration,
979
01:02:35,543 --> 01:02:37,587
how are you gonna get another wife?"
980
01:02:43,510 --> 01:02:46,054
Two out of his three wives
have been immigrants.
981
01:02:47,055 --> 01:02:48,223
Two out of three.
982
01:02:48,807 --> 01:02:52,352
You know, when people say "immigrant,"
they just picture this room.
983
01:02:54,020 --> 01:02:55,480
They picture non-white people.
984
01:02:55,563 --> 01:02:58,275
You hear "immigrant,"
you picture brown, black, Asian.
985
01:02:58,358 --> 01:03:00,402
Brown, black, Asian.
That's all you picture.
986
01:03:00,485 --> 01:03:02,696
Reassess that.
Start picturing white people.
987
01:03:02,779 --> 01:03:05,865
Look at Greg. He looks like
a regular white guy, but has an accent.
988
01:03:05,949 --> 01:03:07,242
You didn't see that coming.
989
01:03:09,661 --> 01:03:12,706
You need to start picturing white people
with your immigrants,
990
01:03:12,789 --> 01:03:15,667
because they look like
regular white people. What's your name?
991
01:03:16,918 --> 01:03:17,752
Hello.
992
01:03:22,048 --> 01:03:24,676
No, the white guy behind you, Asian guy.
The Asian guy's like,
993
01:03:24,759 --> 01:03:27,512
"Me? My name is, uh...
994
01:03:28,013 --> 01:03:29,180
not white guy."
995
01:03:31,433 --> 01:03:32,726
-Dan.
-Dan.
996
01:03:32,809 --> 01:03:36,104
Dan, you need to start picturing
white immigrants,
997
01:03:36,187 --> 01:03:37,939
'cause they look just like you.
998
01:03:38,481 --> 01:03:40,191
They look like regular white people,
999
01:03:40,275 --> 01:03:42,986
but then they open their mouth
and no English. Nothing.
1000
01:03:48,158 --> 01:03:50,410
You can always tell
by looking at them, though.
1001
01:03:50,493 --> 01:03:54,414
Regular white Canadian or white Americans,
they always look bored.
1002
01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:56,791
It's in the body language.
They always look like:
1003
01:04:02,005 --> 01:04:03,965
Like nothing impresses them, you know?
1004
01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:07,218
But white immigrants,
you look at their body language.
1005
01:04:09,804 --> 01:04:10,930
"Electricity.
1006
01:04:13,308 --> 01:04:17,479
I can go bathroom indoors?
Who's going to clean the bucket?"
1007
01:04:22,650 --> 01:04:25,236
The good thing about my job
is I get to travel around the world
1008
01:04:25,320 --> 01:04:26,613
and see all kinds of things.
1009
01:04:26,696 --> 01:04:28,406
I've seen the whole world.
1010
01:04:28,990 --> 01:04:30,492
Is that your mom with you, Dan?
1011
01:04:30,658 --> 01:04:31,868
Hi, Mom. How are you?
1012
01:04:32,494 --> 01:04:33,787
How old are you, Mom?
1013
01:04:35,246 --> 01:04:36,748
Old enough to know better.
1014
01:04:36,831 --> 01:04:40,418
Old enough to know better.
And old enough to start to forget, but..
1015
01:04:40,502 --> 01:04:42,295
Um... Uh... Ahem.
1016
01:04:42,379 --> 01:04:43,213
But..
1017
01:04:46,508 --> 01:04:49,803
Everyone's like, "Russell!"
Hey, man, she started it.
1018
01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:50,970
Um...
1019
01:04:53,681 --> 01:04:55,433
I'm really immature, Ma, I apologize.
1020
01:04:57,310 --> 01:04:59,979
Have you..?
You're obviously retired, I would hope.
1021
01:05:00,063 --> 01:05:03,525
Um, do you travel at all?
Have you gone around the world at all?
1022
01:05:04,109 --> 01:05:05,777
-No.
-No, you gotta do it.
1023
01:05:05,860 --> 01:05:08,988
You gotta go. Take Dan with you
so he could fucking stare at things.
1024
01:05:15,620 --> 01:05:17,205
I'm fucking with you, Dan.
Sorry, buddy.
1025
01:05:21,793 --> 01:05:24,754
Let me tell you something.
I've been doing this 27 years.
1026
01:05:24,963 --> 01:05:27,924
Born and raised in Canada.
I've been in the U.S. for ten years.
1027
01:05:28,007 --> 01:05:30,844
I've seen the entire world
a few times now. It's round.
1028
01:05:30,927 --> 01:05:32,929
I don't know..
I don't know how old you are.
1029
01:05:33,012 --> 01:05:36,558
I don't know what you were taught,
but it's round now. It's confirmed.
1030
01:05:36,641 --> 01:05:37,600
Confirmed.
1031
01:05:38,643 --> 01:05:39,894
And, um...
1032
01:05:41,312 --> 01:05:43,815
It's a wonderful world we live in.
It's a great place.
1033
01:05:43,898 --> 01:05:46,192
And you gotta go and see it. You know?
1034
01:05:46,568 --> 01:05:50,363
Like, white people need to travel more.
I think that's an issue, you know?
1035
01:05:50,447 --> 01:05:54,325
By "travel more," I don't mean go to..
When I'm in the States and I ask:
1036
01:05:54,409 --> 01:05:55,869
"You travel?" "Yeah. All over."
1037
01:05:55,952 --> 01:05:59,789
"Where do you go?"
"Florida, New York, Seattle."
1038
01:05:59,873 --> 01:06:04,002
I'm like, "That's not fucking traveling.
That's going in the country you live in."
1039
01:06:04,544 --> 01:06:06,546
Indian people try the same.
"Do you travel?"
1040
01:06:06,629 --> 01:06:10,008
"Oh, I travel all the time.
I go to India and back and..."
1041
01:06:10,925 --> 01:06:12,343
That's not traveling.
1042
01:06:12,510 --> 01:06:15,346
If you're Indian and you go to India,
that's not traveling.
1043
01:06:15,430 --> 01:06:18,057
That's going back
to where the fuck you came from.
1044
01:06:19,726 --> 01:06:22,937
I remember when I was a kid.
When my family was going to India,
1045
01:06:23,021 --> 01:06:25,398
it was the most hush-hush operation.
1046
01:06:26,858 --> 01:06:30,737
My dad would give me two days' notice.
"In two days, we're going to India.
1047
01:06:31,654 --> 01:06:36,075
Don't tell anybody." "Why not?"
"They'll want us to take a suitcase."
1048
01:06:48,546 --> 01:06:51,674
Having traveled the whole world,
this whole beautiful world of ours,
1049
01:06:51,758 --> 01:06:53,760
and seeing everything from his people to..
1050
01:06:53,843 --> 01:06:56,888
I haven't gone to Egypt yet, I'm waiting
for you guys to sort your shit out.
1051
01:06:56,971 --> 01:06:58,306
Um...
1052
01:06:58,848 --> 01:07:02,685
Been to China, been to Hong Kong,
been to Macao, been to the Philippines.
1053
01:07:02,936 --> 01:07:04,812
Been everywhere. Been to South Africa.
1054
01:07:04,896 --> 01:07:07,398
Not been to Italy.. Once, you know.
1055
01:07:07,732 --> 01:07:11,736
Had an itchy dick. The guy thought
I was talking to him. "Hey, hey, hey."
1056
01:07:19,160 --> 01:07:23,039
Having traveled the whole world, let me
tell you this. I realized something.
1057
01:07:23,206 --> 01:07:26,251
I can only live in North America.
1058
01:07:26,751 --> 01:07:29,921
And whether it's Canada or the U.S.,
doesn't bother me.
1059
01:07:30,004 --> 01:07:32,924
As long as I'm in this continent,
I'm good.
1060
01:07:33,466 --> 01:07:34,968
But if they were like,
1061
01:07:35,051 --> 01:07:38,555
"You can no longer live in North America.
You must leave immediately,"
1062
01:07:38,638 --> 01:07:42,392
the only other place I would consider
living would be Bombay, India.
1063
01:07:42,809 --> 01:07:43,643
And...
1064
01:07:44,727 --> 01:07:48,022
I love Bombay. It's one
of my favorite places in the entire world.
1065
01:07:48,106 --> 01:07:50,483
The reason I love Bombay
is because I love New York,
1066
01:07:50,567 --> 01:07:54,737
and Bombay reminds me of New York,
but with less Indian people in Bombay.
1067
01:08:00,827 --> 01:08:04,038
You gotta go to India, Mom.
You've gotta go to India. Trust me.
1068
01:08:04,205 --> 01:08:05,873
Before it's all over, go to India.
1069
01:08:06,457 --> 01:08:08,126
I'll tell you why you gotta go.
1070
01:08:08,501 --> 01:08:10,878
Because the five senses
that you were born with
1071
01:08:10,962 --> 01:08:13,172
have never been fully utilized...
1072
01:08:14,841 --> 01:08:16,092
...until you go to India.
1073
01:08:16,175 --> 01:08:18,636
And going to Brampton doesn't count.
I mean, India.
1074
01:08:22,223 --> 01:08:26,019
You go to India, you'll experience sight,
sound and smell in less than one minute.
1075
01:08:26,561 --> 01:08:28,271
You'll just be standing here..
1076
01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:38,781
Did a sheep just fart
and drive a train past me?
1077
01:08:38,865 --> 01:08:40,325
What the hell was that?
1078
01:08:43,703 --> 01:08:45,705
You gotta go. You gotta go to India.
1079
01:08:46,289 --> 01:08:47,749
Let's just say you go, right?
1080
01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:50,251
So, you go to Bombay.
I'll warn you in advance.
1081
01:08:50,335 --> 01:08:52,003
There's a lot of people there.
1082
01:08:52,378 --> 01:08:54,339
A shit ton of people.
1083
01:08:55,340 --> 01:08:57,508
It's not dangerous,
so you don't have to worry.
1084
01:08:57,592 --> 01:09:01,137
Say you get there and get freaked out,
you're like, "I'm staying in my room."
1085
01:09:01,721 --> 01:09:05,350
It's worth going there to just sit
in your hotel room and watch the news.
1086
01:09:06,184 --> 01:09:09,646
Watching the news in India is the
best thing you've ever seen in your life.
1087
01:09:09,729 --> 01:09:12,982
They have the craziest news
you've ever seen in your life.
1088
01:09:13,274 --> 01:09:16,694
Like, if any one of those things
that happens in India on a daily basis
1089
01:09:16,778 --> 01:09:19,822
happened in America just once,
America would shut down.
1090
01:09:21,449 --> 01:09:23,284
Let's be honest. America loves to panic.
1091
01:09:23,368 --> 01:09:25,370
That's how they control
the American people.
1092
01:09:25,453 --> 01:09:28,373
They feed them
with all these lies and propaganda.
1093
01:09:28,456 --> 01:09:30,750
That's how the media controls
the American people.
1094
01:09:30,833 --> 01:09:32,085
That's how they think.
1095
01:09:32,168 --> 01:09:33,878
"Well, you better not leave America
1096
01:09:33,961 --> 01:09:37,048
'cause look what they're doing
over there. Real crazy."
1097
01:09:37,590 --> 01:09:40,551
They do. That's how they control
the people, with the media.
1098
01:09:40,635 --> 01:09:43,721
And you don't believe me?
Remember a couple years ago? Ebola.
1099
01:09:43,888 --> 01:09:46,641
Remember that?
"Ebola's here! We're all gonna die!"
1100
01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:49,644
I'm like, "Oh, my God!
How many people have it?" "One guy.
1101
01:09:52,105 --> 01:09:54,649
But he's black and he's fast.
We can't catch him."
1102
01:10:01,364 --> 01:10:05,576
Whenever anything bad happens in America,
they have these overly dramatic newscasts.
1103
01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:08,287
"It's a sad day for America.
1104
01:10:09,747 --> 01:10:13,710
And an even worse day... for Americans.
1105
01:10:19,799 --> 01:10:21,884
We'll be right back after these messages."
1106
01:10:22,969 --> 01:10:25,805
Then they cut to my favorite commercial.
"I'm Wilford Brimley.
1107
01:10:25,888 --> 01:10:28,516
When I first found out
about my diabetes...
1108
01:10:31,436 --> 01:10:34,981
I knew it'd be a problem
'cause I can't pronounce 'diabetes.'"
1109
01:10:39,026 --> 01:10:40,403
You watch the news in India.
1110
01:10:40,486 --> 01:10:44,240
They deliver the worst news you've
ever heard in your life so casually.
1111
01:10:44,323 --> 01:10:46,743
Today, 743 people are dead...
1112
01:10:48,995 --> 01:10:50,997
as a bicycle collided with a goat.
1113
01:10:53,875 --> 01:10:56,836
Funeral services for the goat
will be held this weekend...
1114
01:10:57,670 --> 01:10:59,797
followed by a delicious goat curry."
1115
01:11:00,173 --> 01:11:03,092
Thank you very much,
guys. You were awesome. Good night.
1116
01:11:14,896 --> 01:11:15,980
What up, JusReign!