1 00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:19,620 Let's go! Move it! 2 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:22,956 50 more yards! 3 00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:24,416 All right, let's go! Pick it up! 4 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:25,918 - Let's go! - Yes, sir! 5 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,712 You're running out of time, Bryant! 6 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,589 Make it all the way around the track! Come on! 7 00:01:30,673 --> 00:01:32,508 You want to be troopers? You better move it! 8 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,093 All right, next, get up here! 9 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,594 Let's hit it now. 10 00:01:35,678 --> 00:01:36,845 Dean, come on! 11 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:40,099 All right. You've all completed the written exam. 12 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:43,769 However, you must now pass the obstacle course 13 00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:46,396 to be admitted into the training program. 14 00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:49,316 And remember, survive this, 15 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,402 and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe. 16 00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:29,565 Yeah. 17 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:53,714 Sorry about the test, Dad. 18 00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:57,843 We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart. 19 00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,179 Mine is named hypoglycemia. 20 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:03,682 Well, that's why you always have to have sugar nearby. 21 00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,685 Are you gonna have pie? 22 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,355 Not tonight, Ma. 23 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,692 I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie. 24 00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:17,112 You... 25 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:21,116 No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now. 26 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,328 - Okay. - You said it, 27 00:03:24,412 --> 00:03:27,873 and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now, 28 00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:31,084 and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go. 29 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,379 It really helps heal. 30 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:37,382 And, you know, not always, but sometimes, 31 00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:41,053 you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, "Whatever." 32 00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,262 Kids don't talk like that. 33 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,598 Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay? 34 00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:47,142 I hear them in the mall. You know? 35 00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:50,229 Peanut butter. 36 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,899 It just fills the cracks of the heart. 37 00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:57,861 Go away, pain. 38 00:04:02,283 --> 00:04:04,368 - What? - Paulie. 39 00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,495 Oh, no. Come on, Ma. 40 00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,330 I'm not ready for this right now. 41 00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:09,665 - Dad. - Please. 42 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:13,710 We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone. 43 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:15,420 But I'm not alone. 44 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,422 I've got you two. You know? 45 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:20,133 And besides, Black Friday's coming, 46 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,761 so my dance card's gonna be pretty full. 47 00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:25,639 What? It's the busiest shopping day of the year. 48 00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:28,183 Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians. 49 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,353 I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday's coming." 50 00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:33,230 "Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me Black Friday's coming. 51 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:34,356 "Why do you think I've been walking around here 52 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:35,649 "with the eyes of an eagle?" 53 00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:38,193 - We prepare. - Dad, what does all that have to do 54 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,404 with being happy for the rest of your life? 55 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:45,158 You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November, 56 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:48,537 "I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch. Com." 57 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,373 That was last year. 58 00:04:58,047 --> 00:04:59,131 Okay. 59 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,884 - Here we are. - Okay. 60 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,554 "What are you looking for in a woman?" 61 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:08,724 Well, your mother certainly had something special. 62 00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,437 Yeah, illegal immigrant status. 63 00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:16,106 She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us. 64 00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:18,150 That's not entirely true. 65 00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:22,237 We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me. 66 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,573 - Well, I hate her. - Well, you shouldn't. 67 00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:26,283 She gave me you. 68 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,620 - I am pretty great. - You are. You are. 69 00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:33,790 Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself." 70 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:36,335 Let's see. 71 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:37,836 I know a lot about sharks. 72 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,088 Let me stop you right there. 73 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:46,762 Well-built and a great hugger. 74 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,347 Awesome, Grandma. 75 00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:50,599 Not as awesome as this. 76 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:51,975 What are you doing? 77 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:56,396 Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back. 78 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:57,856 Ma, no. 79 00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:19,711 I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"? 80 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,297 Well, that is exactly what we want. 81 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,882 Eyes on the prize. 82 00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:27,135 And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts. 83 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,206 Dear God! 84 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:01,962 Hey! Back away from the vehicle. 85 00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:04,381 Oh, dear God. Please. 86 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,508 Chompers, get down! 87 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:29,281 Hey, you know where a men's room is? 88 00:07:29,365 --> 00:07:31,283 I do. You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor. 89 00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,368 They got 12 stalls and heated seats. 90 00:07:37,039 --> 00:07:40,000 Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids! 91 00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:43,170 Okay, my lip is numb. 92 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:49,885 All righty. 93 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:55,849 - There you go. - Thank you. 94 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:25,545 Hey. 95 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:28,632 Yeah, I know. 96 00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:35,931 That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan. 97 00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:40,810 ...he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board... 98 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,563 He keeps the play alive. 99 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,879 - Paul! - Hey. 100 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,297 What is this? 101 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,716 That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy's 102 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:13,385 down through the specialty shops. 103 00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:16,555 - How's that working out for you? - Actually, it's for all of us. 104 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:19,057 You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court, 105 00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:22,102 it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration. 106 00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:25,272 It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario. 107 00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:29,317 - Can I ask you something? - Anything. 108 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:33,738 Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us? 109 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,825 Safety never takes a holiday. 110 00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:39,035 Did your mom crochet that on a pillow? 111 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,287 Blart. 112 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,916 This is Sims. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today. 113 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:48,253 Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran. 114 00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,630 Wow. Veck Sims. 115 00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:55,218 Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up. 116 00:09:57,638 --> 00:10:00,015 Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff. 117 00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:07,355 That's it. Treat her gentle, son. 118 00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,734 Slap it, honor it. 119 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,238 So what made you want to pursue security? 120 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:24,164 I never finished high school. This is all I could get. 121 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,791 Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself. 122 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:30,045 Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia. 123 00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:39,471 Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack. 124 00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:41,973 My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears. 125 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:46,019 They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard. 126 00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:47,687 I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard. 127 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,731 My uncle can. Stay snug. 128 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:53,401 Now, in the event that you approach an assailant, 129 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,321 here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up, 130 00:10:56,405 --> 00:11:01,117 left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly, 131 00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:05,330 giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know 132 00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:06,748 you don't. 133 00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:10,085 Okay? But you know what we do have? 134 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:12,754 Our voices! We have our voices. 135 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:16,174 If you remember one thing from today, it's this. 136 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:20,887 The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster. 137 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,307 Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch? 138 00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:27,560 Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time, 139 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,896 five minutes to get refocused. 140 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,322 We got a high roller. 141 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:45,954 Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right. 142 00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,498 Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic. 143 00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:52,711 Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic. 144 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:53,920 Sir. 145 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,133 Thank you. 146 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,356 Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir. 147 00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:14,899 You're kidding. 148 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:17,652 I don't joke about shopper safety. 149 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,362 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation. 150 00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:22,449 Gonna need your first and last. Last first. 151 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,535 Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir. 152 00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:28,955 Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay? 153 00:12:29,039 --> 00:12:32,584 Are you able to... Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir. 154 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,715 You're pushing it. 155 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,843 Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir. 156 00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:46,347 Sir. Sir. Sir. 157 00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:50,894 Okay. 158 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:55,482 This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back. 159 00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:27,180 - Hey. - Hi. Do you need something? 160 00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:31,726 Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall. 161 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:34,062 Well, thank you. 162 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,906 Is there something else? 163 00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,116 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 164 00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:50,286 Just looking for some hair extensions. 165 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:53,498 Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men? 166 00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:57,752 Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men? 167 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,839 Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan? 168 00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:04,175 I don't think so. Which one? 169 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,970 Well, that one. That one right there. 170 00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,349 Yeah. That one, yes. That... You know, that one was me. 171 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,643 - Oh, wow. Are you okay? - Oh, yeah. Never better. 172 00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:15,520 Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good. 173 00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:16,980 Yeah. 174 00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:19,357 You know what you should do? You should get the security tape, 175 00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:22,986 and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff. 176 00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:25,864 - Hello, early retirement. - Yeah, right? 177 00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:30,952 Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got. 178 00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:39,419 Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks. 179 00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:41,629 Who is this? 180 00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:47,343 It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5. 181 00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,054 What the hell are you bothering me for? 182 00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:54,309 - Just a Code B check. - What a moron. 183 00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:57,270 You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense. 184 00:14:57,354 --> 00:15:00,231 Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard. 185 00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:05,403 - What, what? - No, it's just that you said security guard, 186 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:06,905 and it's perfectly acceptable... 187 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:08,740 I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing. 188 00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:10,491 No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know? 189 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,827 It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy 190 00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:14,162 brewing in the industry right now, 191 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,789 whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer. 192 00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:19,042 I'm sure you heard about it. 193 00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,419 - I didn't. - You will. You're gonna. 194 00:15:21,503 --> 00:15:24,255 - But I'm sure I will. - It's out there. 195 00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:28,760 So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year? 196 00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:32,931 Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday. 197 00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:36,476 This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get a card. 198 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,770 Everyone's too busy shopping. 199 00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,065 You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash. 200 00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:43,441 - Yeah. - I think that's your color. 201 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:46,194 - I think this'll work. - It's a winner. 202 00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:49,697 - So that's $9.95. - $9.95? 203 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,324 - Yeah. - Wow. 204 00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:54,661 At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail. 205 00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,455 All right. Thank you. 206 00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,457 Thank you. 207 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:03,086 - Right. So there you go. - Okay. 208 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,295 And, there you go. 209 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:07,799 Thank you, Amy. 210 00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,884 Thank you, Officer Blart. 211 00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:14,514 Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt. 212 00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:16,557 You went with a medium? 213 00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:18,685 It's a bit formfitting, 214 00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:21,270 but that's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our... 215 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:22,981 No. Not buying it. No. 216 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,149 'Cause I don't see any vest underneath here, so... 217 00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:27,777 No, but it's a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear. 218 00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:30,113 Nope. Nope. No. 219 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:34,200 I don't understand why you're laughing. I just called you fat. 220 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,910 I'm not laughing. 221 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,833 Yeah, whatever. Amy. 222 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:45,003 Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's tonight, and I want to see you there. 223 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:47,296 Okay? We're gonna split some onion strings. 224 00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:49,257 Wow. Wow. 225 00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:51,050 Good. 226 00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:53,428 Good hang. 227 00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:57,140 Wow, yeah. That's great. 228 00:16:57,599 --> 00:17:01,019 Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret. 229 00:17:02,604 --> 00:17:04,230 Okay, roger that. 230 00:17:07,317 --> 00:17:09,861 Okay, I gotta go. 231 00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,487 Okay. Bye. 232 00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:23,458 - I found it first. - No, you didn't. 233 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,835 Ladies. Problem. 234 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:27,545 What's the genesis? 235 00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:30,840 She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size. 236 00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:33,676 There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon. 237 00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,595 Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight. 238 00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:37,722 Really? Is he blind? 239 00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:41,601 Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks. 240 00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:42,935 Not my first rodeo. 241 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:45,563 Okay, ladies, need to see some ID. 242 00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,148 No, you don't. 243 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,945 Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest. 244 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,989 So does anyone. I could arrest you right now. 245 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:58,659 - That's true. She could. - Hey, not talking to you. Okay? 246 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:03,039 Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am? 247 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:16,302 Look, I understand your sensitivity. 248 00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:19,347 I've had some issues with weight myself. 249 00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:23,601 - Are you calling me fat? - No. No, no, no, no. 250 00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:25,311 I'm just saying I've been down that road. 251 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:29,774 I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded. 252 00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:33,402 Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right? 253 00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,823 But as soon as I started eating healthier, 254 00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:39,117 I noticed I wasn't so moody. 255 00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:41,828 And PS, your skin's gonna clear up. 256 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,414 - Can you hold onto these? - Sure. 257 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:49,669 Ma'am. 258 00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:03,224 You... 259 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:08,604 She's got tremendous upper body strength. 260 00:19:10,023 --> 00:19:12,275 Backup! Backup! 261 00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:15,820 She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck. 262 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:18,072 Backup! 263 00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,537 Backup! Backup! 264 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,835 Look, I know you're new here and all, 265 00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:34,589 but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term. 266 00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:50,414 Hey. Can I give you a lift? 267 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:51,832 What, on that? 268 00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,126 With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no, 269 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:57,338 but with me, you'll be as safe as the President. 270 00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:02,260 I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired? 271 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:03,928 Yes, it could. 272 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:07,431 Okay. 273 00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:20,945 - Is this all right? - Absolutely. 274 00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:27,970 And here you go. Safe and sound. 275 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:33,017 - '65 Mustang. - Yeah. 276 00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:37,021 Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse. 277 00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:39,815 It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang. 278 00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:44,779 - That's a plane. - I didn't know that. 279 00:22:46,948 --> 00:22:49,450 Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun. 280 00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:50,910 No problem. 281 00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:56,207 Listen, 282 00:22:57,209 --> 00:23:00,294 if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere, 283 00:23:01,296 --> 00:23:03,839 Dispatch, they can get me. You know. 284 00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:06,675 - Or we could just text each other. - Yeah. 285 00:23:07,469 --> 00:23:09,970 - Yeah, give me your cell phone. - My cell? 286 00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:12,473 Yeah, and I'll punch my number in. 287 00:23:15,811 --> 00:23:18,062 Left it in the casuals. You know what? 288 00:23:18,146 --> 00:23:20,231 Just give me your number and I'll remember it. 289 00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:22,691 - Okay. Ready? - Yep. 290 00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:25,277 - All right. 555... - Not yet. Just... 291 00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:26,987 Now I'm ready. 292 00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:28,614 - 555... - 555... 293 00:23:28,698 --> 00:23:29,907 ...01... ...01... 294 00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:31,492 ...78. - Eight. Got it. 295 00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:32,743 That's it. It's locked. 296 00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:36,122 Great, so I'll see you tonight at American Joe's, right? 297 00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:39,083 Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so... 298 00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:40,960 - Yeah. ...why not me, too? I'll be... 299 00:23:41,044 --> 00:23:42,169 Yeah, I'm there. 300 00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:44,547 - Great. Bye. - Okay. Bye. 301 00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:51,405 - Hey. - Hey! Hey. Glad you made it, Paul. 302 00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:53,073 Good to be here. 303 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:55,659 - Fun fact for you... - This place sucks. 304 00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:58,496 - You want to get out of here? - No. 305 00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:00,289 I'm sorry, what were you saying? 306 00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:02,249 No, I was just saying that 307 00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:06,712 the first American Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972. 308 00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:10,174 And most people, because of its service and theme, 309 00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:14,345 think that it's derivative ofAbe and Louie's, but it's not. 310 00:25:14,429 --> 00:25:16,263 It's its own thing. 311 00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:20,434 You really know a lot of facts, Paul. 312 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:24,355 Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret. 313 00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:26,357 Well, I don't hit women, 314 00:25:26,441 --> 00:25:29,944 - so I don't even know what... - Yeah. Just minivans, right? 315 00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:35,616 Hey, why don't you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks? 316 00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:39,245 - I'll meet you over there. - Okay. Does anybody else want a drink? 317 00:25:39,329 --> 00:25:41,664 - 'Cause Stuart's buying. - No, no, no. They're good. They're good. 318 00:25:41,748 --> 00:25:44,708 - So... They're good. - Okay. 319 00:25:48,964 --> 00:25:53,884 Hey, listen, I... We're basically already together, so... 320 00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:55,844 I wasn't... I didn't even realize that. 321 00:25:55,929 --> 00:25:57,137 - And I was... I wouldn't... Doing anything. - Yeah. 322 00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:58,597 I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight. 323 00:25:58,682 --> 00:25:59,765 - Okay? - I got it. 324 00:25:59,849 --> 00:26:03,060 I mean, it's not like you really had a chance, okay? 325 00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:06,063 Security guard? Really. 326 00:26:06,147 --> 00:26:08,065 But you're a pen salesman, dude. 327 00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:11,443 Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me. 328 00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,905 All right, bro. Back off. You know, we're all just here having fun. 329 00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,365 Okay, bro. 330 00:26:19,536 --> 00:26:20,661 What? 331 00:26:23,456 --> 00:26:26,250 Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother. 332 00:26:26,334 --> 00:26:29,587 Security blood runs deep between... Yeah, let's just go. 333 00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:34,675 - Round six. - Let's do this thing. 334 00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:36,093 - Gentlemen ready? - No. 335 00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:37,803 Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay. 336 00:26:37,887 --> 00:26:39,597 And, go! 337 00:26:44,936 --> 00:26:47,146 Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew. 338 00:26:47,230 --> 00:26:48,439 I know. 339 00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:51,609 Told you, boy. You better hurry up. 340 00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:53,152 There you go. Nachos in my face. 341 00:26:53,236 --> 00:26:56,363 Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot. 342 00:26:57,991 --> 00:27:00,534 Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper. 343 00:27:01,369 --> 00:27:03,203 Nachos are good, man. 344 00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:08,083 Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone. 345 00:27:09,377 --> 00:27:11,337 You're lagging behind. 346 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,881 Come on, Paul. Playing games. 347 00:27:16,551 --> 00:27:19,553 I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much. 348 00:27:21,473 --> 00:27:23,515 - That lemonade is insane. - Yeah, Paul. 349 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,102 - That's because it's a margarita. - No. I don't drink. 350 00:28:01,012 --> 00:28:02,680 Twist it. 351 00:28:03,264 --> 00:28:05,265 Feel the nub. 352 00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:09,603 - Hey, you want some? Here. - Yeah. 353 00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:14,066 You want fruit? 354 00:28:28,248 --> 00:28:30,582 Bye! You blinked! You blinked. 355 00:28:32,252 --> 00:28:35,379 Time to pluck the grape from the vine. 356 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:41,218 Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity. 357 00:28:43,179 --> 00:28:44,972 Coming on the left. 358 00:28:47,809 --> 00:28:49,184 False alarm. 359 00:28:56,317 --> 00:28:58,652 Told my mom everything about us. 360 00:28:59,654 --> 00:29:01,822 What are you talking about? 361 00:29:03,658 --> 00:29:07,161 You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural. 362 00:29:07,787 --> 00:29:10,247 You know. You so know. 363 00:29:10,331 --> 00:29:12,958 No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know. 364 00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:18,130 Snap. Pop goes the weasel. 365 00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:22,384 So happy! 366 00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:49,369 Yeah! 367 00:29:54,709 --> 00:29:56,710 I believe in magic! 368 00:29:59,756 --> 00:30:00,964 No way! 369 00:30:07,847 --> 00:30:10,390 I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear. 370 00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:13,018 It's fine, Ma. 371 00:30:13,102 --> 00:30:16,146 - Hey, Dad, why don't we check for matches? - Yes. 372 00:30:16,231 --> 00:30:20,400 Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart. I think I'm just gonna turn in. 373 00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:25,864 Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up? 374 00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:28,826 I don't think so, Ma. It's fine. 375 00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,709 If something's gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe. 376 00:30:37,794 --> 00:30:40,921 But that would probably... You know. 377 00:30:44,676 --> 00:30:47,261 You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries. 378 00:30:47,345 --> 00:30:50,347 But it... Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah. 379 00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:25,525 Maya. Hey. 380 00:32:26,861 --> 00:32:29,863 Dad. I'm so sorry. 381 00:32:33,743 --> 00:32:35,077 It's okay. 382 00:32:36,412 --> 00:32:38,747 There are other fish in the sea. 383 00:32:38,831 --> 00:32:41,375 You just gotta keep looking. 384 00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:43,710 And it doesn't matter what you do. 385 00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:47,756 Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you, 386 00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:49,466 all bets are off. 387 00:32:55,014 --> 00:32:58,016 If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us. 388 00:33:00,019 --> 00:33:04,189 I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear a word you were saying. 389 00:33:04,273 --> 00:33:06,274 You just have to... 390 00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:07,985 Is that a tattoo? 391 00:33:10,113 --> 00:33:12,239 I... Yeah, yeah, it is. 392 00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:15,242 When did you get it? 393 00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:17,911 - I got it last night. - What is it? 394 00:33:19,580 --> 00:33:21,999 It's the Loch Ness monster. 395 00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,583 I don't drink. 396 00:33:59,662 --> 00:34:02,372 - Hey. - Hi. 397 00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:04,958 That was 398 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,128 a little weird the other night, huh? 399 00:34:08,212 --> 00:34:10,881 Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah. 400 00:34:10,965 --> 00:34:14,634 Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse? 401 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,387 You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood. 402 00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:20,140 And what happens is the capillaries... 403 00:34:24,353 --> 00:34:27,773 Yeah, look. A lot of people... 404 00:34:30,109 --> 00:34:33,653 Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off. 405 00:34:34,447 --> 00:34:37,365 And if you did, too, believe me, I get it. 406 00:34:38,868 --> 00:34:42,996 I just... I guess what I'm asking is that you don't. 407 00:34:46,959 --> 00:34:48,960 Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just... 408 00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:50,921 I've gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I'm... 409 00:34:51,005 --> 00:34:52,422 No problem. Maybe we could talk later or something? 410 00:34:52,507 --> 00:34:54,216 - Yeah, sure. You could just text me, or... - Okay. 411 00:34:54,300 --> 00:34:56,843 - Yeah. - I can do that. I can do that. 412 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,307 You know, Paul, everybody texts these days. 413 00:35:02,391 --> 00:35:04,559 I can't believe you don't have a cell phone. 414 00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:06,686 I'm not about all this technology, Vijay. 415 00:35:06,771 --> 00:35:10,899 I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment. 416 00:35:11,901 --> 00:35:13,276 300 bucks? 417 00:35:13,361 --> 00:35:18,115 I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please. 418 00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:23,829 Paul, you've always been a straight shooter, so I'll tell you what. 419 00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:26,706 Why don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone? 420 00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:29,126 - No, I can't do that. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 421 00:35:29,210 --> 00:35:30,377 I'm punishing her. 422 00:35:30,461 --> 00:35:34,089 No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud, 423 00:35:34,173 --> 00:35:35,966 she went over her minutes. 424 00:35:36,050 --> 00:35:39,678 When and if she decides to turn her life around, I'll simply take it back. 425 00:35:39,762 --> 00:35:41,680 Until then, you use it. 426 00:35:43,724 --> 00:35:45,267 - Thanks. - Sure. 427 00:35:45,351 --> 00:35:47,894 - Stay within the minutes. - Of course. 428 00:35:49,605 --> 00:35:52,524 Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys. It's closed. 429 00:35:52,608 --> 00:35:55,443 - No one's going in there. - Yeah. I think we are. 430 00:36:06,205 --> 00:36:08,290 Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man. 431 00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:13,378 Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you. 432 00:36:14,839 --> 00:36:16,631 "The Devil's Crotch." 433 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:19,759 Feel the burn, baby. 434 00:36:19,844 --> 00:36:22,387 - Thanks, Leon. - Get back at me, man. 435 00:36:27,643 --> 00:36:29,895 - Loading dock's ready. - Got it. 436 00:36:37,069 --> 00:36:38,153 Yeah. 437 00:36:47,455 --> 00:36:49,539 You need a pen, don't you? 438 00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:50,707 You know what? No, I'm good. 439 00:36:50,791 --> 00:36:52,542 - I'll just use one of their pens. - Yeah, you do. 440 00:36:53,628 --> 00:36:57,088 Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain. 441 00:36:57,173 --> 00:36:59,382 - That's stunning. - Yeah, I know. 442 00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:02,928 How would you like to sign your name with this panther? 443 00:37:03,012 --> 00:37:04,346 You know what? More than anything. 444 00:37:04,430 --> 00:37:06,223 - Yeah, that'd be great. - Here. Yeah. 445 00:37:06,307 --> 00:37:08,225 It's yours. I insist. 446 00:37:09,143 --> 00:37:10,769 Oh, hey, guys. 447 00:37:10,853 --> 00:37:11,937 - Hey. - Hey. 448 00:37:12,021 --> 00:37:13,980 - Hey. - Don't you just love Fridays? 449 00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:15,732 - Yeah. - Best night of the week. 450 00:37:15,816 --> 00:37:16,858 Yeah. 451 00:37:17,777 --> 00:37:19,986 - Excuse me. Sorry. - Hey. 452 00:37:20,071 --> 00:37:22,447 Paul. Paul, can you help me out? 453 00:37:22,531 --> 00:37:24,241 I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute. 454 00:37:24,325 --> 00:37:26,201 There's a few kids inside, just finishing up their games. 455 00:37:26,285 --> 00:37:28,828 Could you close up the arcade for me? 456 00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:31,039 - Yeah, sure. No problem, Mr. Ferguson. - Okay. 457 00:37:31,123 --> 00:37:33,583 - You okay? You seem a little down. - Yeah, I'm fine. 458 00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:35,585 You know, video game might cheer you right up. 459 00:37:35,670 --> 00:37:37,337 Nah, I'm on duty. 460 00:38:11,205 --> 00:38:13,290 Welcome to the games! 461 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:17,085 Get set. 462 00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:19,170 Go. 463 00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:30,056 Foul. Foul. 464 00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:33,560 Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. 465 00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:35,729 Game over. 466 00:38:40,693 --> 00:38:42,152 We are ready. 467 00:39:10,931 --> 00:39:12,432 Let's do this. 468 00:39:22,068 --> 00:39:23,526 Attention shoppers. 469 00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:25,320 Please make your way to the nearest exits. 470 00:39:25,404 --> 00:39:27,614 Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early. 471 00:39:29,283 --> 00:39:32,827 - Everybody out! - Everybody out! 472 00:39:36,248 --> 00:39:38,333 Everybody out, now! 473 00:39:43,297 --> 00:39:44,381 You, too! 474 00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:00,772 Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me... 475 00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:13,827 I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall. 476 00:40:17,164 --> 00:40:20,458 Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people trying to take over the mall. 477 00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:23,294 - I'm out of here. - Everybody on the floor! 478 00:40:33,389 --> 00:40:36,057 Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages. 479 00:40:47,027 --> 00:40:49,195 What are you doing? Get down. 480 00:40:53,325 --> 00:40:54,367 Oh, my God. 481 00:40:59,874 --> 00:41:03,209 Surprised? I know. 482 00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:05,503 But here's the craziest part. 483 00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:08,756 I'm the leader. 484 00:41:17,516 --> 00:41:20,643 Reports are, they're inside the bank and they got hostages. 485 00:41:20,728 --> 00:41:24,105 This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter. 486 00:41:24,190 --> 00:41:27,025 See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately. 487 00:41:27,109 --> 00:41:28,443 Let's get all these civilians out of here. 488 00:41:28,527 --> 00:41:30,320 See if we can gain access into the loading dock. 489 00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:32,197 - Go. - I'm on it. 94, move 'em out. 490 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:46,920 Hello? 491 00:41:48,005 --> 00:41:49,422 Feeling alive? 492 00:41:50,257 --> 00:41:51,424 I'm sorry? 493 00:41:54,136 --> 00:41:55,345 Parisa. 494 00:41:56,597 --> 00:42:00,391 She makes you feel alive, doesn't she? 495 00:42:01,936 --> 00:42:05,897 This must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa. 496 00:42:06,315 --> 00:42:08,107 My name's Paul Blart. 497 00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:11,694 Parisa's dad took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me. 498 00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:15,907 Do not lie to me, Paul Blart. Do not lie to me. 499 00:42:15,991 --> 00:42:18,952 You are probably sweating over her right now. 500 00:42:19,036 --> 00:42:20,495 I'm not lying. 501 00:42:20,621 --> 00:42:23,456 I mean, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone. 502 00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:29,212 That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world. 503 00:42:32,091 --> 00:42:34,842 Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet. 504 00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:45,228 Paul, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man. 505 00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:48,022 Pahud, no one can blame you for being upset. 506 00:42:48,107 --> 00:42:51,568 I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix. 507 00:42:52,486 --> 00:42:56,281 Wow. Them's some heavy words, Paul Blart. 508 00:42:56,949 --> 00:42:59,325 Hey, life is heavy. 509 00:43:00,452 --> 00:43:04,664 Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh? 510 00:43:04,748 --> 00:43:08,042 So why do you not head over to Orange Julius, 511 00:43:08,127 --> 00:43:10,461 call up my friend Sameer Oh? 512 00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:13,965 Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up. 513 00:43:15,634 --> 00:43:17,135 Wait a second. How'd you know I was at the mall? 514 00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,888 I track Parisa's phone with GPS. Don't you judge me. 515 00:43:26,186 --> 00:43:28,021 Closing time already. 516 00:43:31,525 --> 00:43:36,070 Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall. 517 00:43:36,155 --> 00:43:40,283 Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit. 518 00:43:40,367 --> 00:43:41,951 And 15 for you. 519 00:43:44,663 --> 00:43:45,788 Okay. 520 00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:49,959 Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine. 521 00:43:50,044 --> 00:43:52,086 They change every day, so make sure 522 00:43:52,171 --> 00:43:56,132 that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday. 523 00:44:18,030 --> 00:44:20,990 Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like you said. 524 00:44:21,075 --> 00:44:22,116 Perfect. 525 00:44:24,578 --> 00:44:27,080 Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! 526 00:44:27,581 --> 00:44:30,333 And these little piggies went all the way home. 527 00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:32,418 Do it. 528 00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:46,349 Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission. 529 00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:51,270 Hey, everyone. A couple requests. 530 00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:53,856 Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut, 531 00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:58,861 give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say. 532 00:44:58,946 --> 00:45:01,572 You do all these things... Well, you'll be back at home in no time. 533 00:45:01,657 --> 00:45:03,783 Back to your mediocre lives. 534 00:45:04,618 --> 00:45:07,245 - I don't have one. - Amy. 535 00:45:12,292 --> 00:45:17,505 I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on. 536 00:45:17,589 --> 00:45:21,342 You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course. 537 00:45:24,638 --> 00:45:26,180 What do you say? 538 00:45:27,099 --> 00:45:28,474 Go to hell. 539 00:45:29,226 --> 00:45:30,309 Ouch. 540 00:45:32,271 --> 00:45:35,356 Hey, Stewie, you don't mind that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you? 541 00:45:35,441 --> 00:45:37,734 What? No. She's not my girlfriend. 542 00:45:37,818 --> 00:45:42,196 But I specifically heard you say that you two were "basically together." 543 00:45:42,281 --> 00:45:47,618 No. I didn't say that we were together. I said that she's into leather. 544 00:45:49,621 --> 00:45:52,081 Have at it. If you... 545 00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:55,251 God, you're an idiot. 546 00:45:57,671 --> 00:45:58,713 Hello? 547 00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:01,048 This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police Department. 548 00:46:01,133 --> 00:46:03,509 - Who am I speaking with? - Hi. 549 00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,428 Yeah, well, so here's the deal. 550 00:46:06,054 --> 00:46:09,724 As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors, 551 00:46:09,808 --> 00:46:11,142 so if you wanna enter my mall, 552 00:46:11,226 --> 00:46:15,730 you might as well bring at least six body bags. 553 00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:18,566 He's drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us. 554 00:46:18,650 --> 00:46:20,526 See if we can tap into the security cameras. 555 00:46:20,611 --> 00:46:22,862 Now look, no one's gonna try and enter the mall. 556 00:46:22,946 --> 00:46:25,531 Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water? 557 00:46:28,035 --> 00:46:31,788 Oh, man. This dude doesn't deviate from the book at all. 558 00:46:33,123 --> 00:46:36,209 You know, since you're asking, I would love a Happy Meal, 559 00:46:36,293 --> 00:46:38,920 you know, but... Make sure the toy is the sea monster, 560 00:46:39,004 --> 00:46:40,296 'cause I already have the dragon. 561 00:46:40,380 --> 00:46:43,257 Okay, okay, now what is it you really want? 562 00:46:44,551 --> 00:46:45,760 Silence. 563 00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,310 Hey, I'm sorry, mall's closed, 564 00:46:54,394 --> 00:46:58,564 but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked. 565 00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:00,441 Sweet mercy. 566 00:47:02,194 --> 00:47:04,862 This is not happening, this is not happening, this is... 567 00:47:08,534 --> 00:47:12,078 Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think. 568 00:47:12,788 --> 00:47:15,081 Now what are you trained to do? 569 00:47:19,044 --> 00:47:20,253 Nothing. 570 00:47:22,256 --> 00:47:25,967 Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it. 571 00:47:27,761 --> 00:47:29,637 Yo, we got a straggler. 572 00:47:32,266 --> 00:47:34,517 - It's a security guard. - What should we do? 573 00:47:34,601 --> 00:47:38,104 I don't know. Give up, I guess. 574 00:47:38,188 --> 00:47:42,191 Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan. 575 00:47:42,276 --> 00:47:45,236 We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named Paul Barth. 576 00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,363 He says he's a security officer in the mall. 577 00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:50,825 Hey. Blart? He's one of my guys. 578 00:47:50,909 --> 00:47:53,411 Paul, this is Sergeant Howard of West Orange Police Department. 579 00:47:53,495 --> 00:47:56,080 The mall has been taken over, and they have hostages. 580 00:47:56,164 --> 00:47:58,207 I need you to exit the building immediately. 581 00:47:58,625 --> 00:48:01,002 We don't need any wild cards in this situation. 582 00:48:01,086 --> 00:48:03,754 Copy that. Never been a wild card. 583 00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:06,632 Unless you consider the game of Uno wild. 584 00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:12,096 - Blart! Can we focus here, please? - Yes. Yes, sir. On my way out. 585 00:48:12,180 --> 00:48:15,641 Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die. 586 00:48:16,810 --> 00:48:18,311 Blart. 587 00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:20,855 Don't pee. Don't pee. 588 00:48:30,574 --> 00:48:34,160 Guys, motion detectorjust went off at Door 26. Everybody on it. 589 00:48:38,832 --> 00:48:39,874 Amy. 590 00:48:39,958 --> 00:48:42,251 What the hell is he doing? Come on! 591 00:48:42,336 --> 00:48:44,503 - Paul, come on! - Paulie, come on! 592 00:48:44,588 --> 00:48:45,755 - What's he doing? - Come on, Blart! 593 00:48:45,839 --> 00:48:46,881 Blart, come on! 594 00:48:46,965 --> 00:48:48,758 - Let's go! Move it! - Come on! Come on! 595 00:48:48,842 --> 00:48:50,343 - Get out of there! - Come on! 596 00:48:51,803 --> 00:48:53,387 Is he crying? 597 00:48:53,472 --> 00:48:55,556 - I can't leave her. - Where's he going? 598 00:48:55,641 --> 00:48:56,766 - Blart! - Where's he going? 599 00:48:56,850 --> 00:48:59,894 Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please? 600 00:49:01,021 --> 00:49:03,689 Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on? 601 00:49:04,358 --> 00:49:08,152 Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it. 602 00:49:08,236 --> 00:49:09,695 What oath? We don't have an oath. 603 00:49:10,739 --> 00:49:13,991 I sort of made up my own. It's on a plaque in my room. 604 00:49:14,868 --> 00:49:17,578 Listen, I think you're making a big mistake. 605 00:49:17,663 --> 00:49:19,288 SWAT's on the way. 606 00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:23,501 And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're untrained, you're unarmed, 607 00:49:23,585 --> 00:49:26,545 and let's face it, son, you present a huge target. 608 00:49:27,089 --> 00:49:30,424 With all due respect, sir, I can't observe and report from the outside. 609 00:49:30,509 --> 00:49:31,509 Over. 610 00:49:31,593 --> 00:49:35,262 Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside. 611 00:49:35,764 --> 00:49:40,518 Amy, Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall? 612 00:49:41,103 --> 00:49:42,103 Send. 613 00:49:55,242 --> 00:49:56,450 Got him. 614 00:50:20,726 --> 00:50:22,810 Oh, my God. Oh, God. 615 00:50:22,894 --> 00:50:25,813 Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think! 616 00:50:48,086 --> 00:50:49,712 Hold it together. 617 00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:53,466 Heart of a warrior. 618 00:51:06,521 --> 00:51:08,064 I missed lunch. 619 00:51:16,073 --> 00:51:17,406 Thank you. 620 00:51:24,664 --> 00:51:27,333 This isn't happening, this is not happening. 621 00:51:37,052 --> 00:51:39,386 Hey! Don't make this hard. 622 00:51:45,685 --> 00:51:47,186 You like that? 623 00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:18,592 Brooks, I took out a girl, but the guy, he ran away. 624 00:52:18,677 --> 00:52:20,803 - Wow, Paul, you got one. - Yes. 625 00:52:20,887 --> 00:52:24,431 But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just... 626 00:52:24,516 --> 00:52:26,392 I put all my weight on her. 627 00:52:27,018 --> 00:52:28,269 Oh, Paul. 628 00:52:28,895 --> 00:52:31,397 No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine. 629 00:52:31,940 --> 00:52:33,524 Well, good, let's get you out of there. 630 00:52:34,192 --> 00:52:37,403 No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started. 631 00:52:38,405 --> 00:52:40,114 What the heck is this? 632 00:52:40,198 --> 00:52:41,657 Give me that. 633 00:52:42,450 --> 00:52:44,076 Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again. 634 00:52:44,161 --> 00:52:47,037 Since you refuse to come out, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank 635 00:52:47,122 --> 00:52:48,956 and find out where they're holding the hostages. 636 00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:52,251 With honor, sir. 637 00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:56,422 Good to know. 638 00:53:28,079 --> 00:53:29,872 Hey, I haven't heard back from Donner or Vixen. 639 00:53:29,956 --> 00:53:32,875 Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone. 640 00:53:32,959 --> 00:53:37,504 And I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately. 641 00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:41,217 Why don't we just start wasting hostages? That'll stop them. 642 00:53:41,301 --> 00:53:45,721 Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside. 643 00:54:00,320 --> 00:54:03,364 I'm Commander Kent. My team is deploying. I need this location secured. 644 00:54:03,448 --> 00:54:05,032 - We got a three-block perimeter... - Establish a perimeter 645 00:54:05,116 --> 00:54:06,075 and get all these people out of here. 646 00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:07,409 Whoa, whoa, this is all done already. 647 00:54:07,494 --> 00:54:09,495 My men are gonna do it again, the right way. 648 00:54:09,579 --> 00:54:11,956 Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands? 649 00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:15,626 - A Happy Meal and absolute silence. - Well, let's make some noise. 650 00:54:15,710 --> 00:54:19,046 I got snipers at the ready, communications in check. 651 00:54:19,130 --> 00:54:21,090 Let's tap into security now, and let's get some visuals. 652 00:54:21,174 --> 00:54:22,591 You can't. They knocked out the video cameras. 653 00:54:22,676 --> 00:54:28,681 I'll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I'm in charge. 654 00:54:58,878 --> 00:55:01,380 Brooks, I'm observing the bank now. 655 00:55:02,590 --> 00:55:05,551 They got one assailant guarding the hostages. 656 00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:09,471 There she is. 657 00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:12,850 My, God. You are my angel pie. 658 00:55:15,729 --> 00:55:17,980 Here come the love sweats. 659 00:55:18,857 --> 00:55:20,983 Paul, your radio's still on. 660 00:55:23,445 --> 00:55:24,486 Roger that. 661 00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:28,824 - What's going on? Who is that? - We got a guy on the inside. 662 00:55:28,908 --> 00:55:31,285 Don't tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero. 663 00:55:31,369 --> 00:55:35,831 No, he's neither. His name is Blart. He's one of my security guards. 664 00:55:35,915 --> 00:55:38,208 - Wait a minute. Blart? - Yeah. 665 00:55:38,293 --> 00:55:39,668 - Paul Blart? - Yeah. 666 00:55:39,753 --> 00:55:43,547 Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that. 667 00:55:44,132 --> 00:55:45,341 Blart. 668 00:55:45,425 --> 00:55:48,677 This is Commander James Kent. New Jersey SWAT. 669 00:55:48,762 --> 00:55:51,847 We went to high school together. Remember? 670 00:55:51,931 --> 00:55:54,767 I set you on fire at the pancake festival? 671 00:55:55,435 --> 00:55:57,394 Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy. 672 00:55:57,937 --> 00:55:59,104 Go Green Hawks. 673 00:55:59,939 --> 00:56:03,984 Yeah, listen. I've got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out here. 674 00:56:04,069 --> 00:56:06,153 At my command, we are retaking this location, 675 00:56:06,237 --> 00:56:09,323 and there's no way I'm compromising this mission so that some mall monitor 676 00:56:09,407 --> 00:56:12,576 who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up. 677 00:56:12,660 --> 00:56:17,206 Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed. All I heard was "lunch" and "friend." 678 00:56:17,290 --> 00:56:19,500 Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back on? 679 00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:20,709 Listen to me, Blart, 680 00:56:20,794 --> 00:56:24,797 you are no longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is that clear? 681 00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:31,261 Hello? 682 00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:34,473 Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing? 683 00:56:35,683 --> 00:56:38,727 Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area. 684 00:56:38,812 --> 00:56:40,938 I'm gonna get a closer look. 685 00:57:21,688 --> 00:57:22,813 Veck. 686 00:57:25,525 --> 00:57:26,817 There he is! 687 00:57:28,862 --> 00:57:31,113 - Everyone in the back room, now! - Come on, move, move! 688 00:57:31,197 --> 00:57:32,364 Let's get in the back, huh? 689 00:57:33,575 --> 00:57:38,203 Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn't get them out. 690 00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:41,415 But I know who the leader is. It's Veck. 691 00:57:41,499 --> 00:57:43,750 Veck? The trainee? 692 00:57:43,835 --> 00:57:47,296 - No. The brainee. - I don't believe this. 693 00:57:48,047 --> 00:57:49,298 I'll pass it on to Howard. 694 00:58:05,398 --> 00:58:06,607 Oh, God. 695 00:58:06,733 --> 00:58:08,609 Trapped is fine by me. 696 00:58:08,693 --> 00:58:11,403 Commence tanning. Three, two, one. 697 00:58:37,430 --> 00:58:38,514 Yeah! 698 00:58:48,358 --> 00:58:49,441 Yes! 699 00:59:04,332 --> 00:59:06,625 Time for some big-game hunting. 700 00:59:31,317 --> 00:59:33,902 Open, open, open! Thank God. 701 00:59:39,075 --> 00:59:40,284 Oh, no. 702 00:59:42,453 --> 00:59:47,583 Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it! 703 00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:55,507 Get him! Get him! Get him! 704 01:00:02,265 --> 01:00:03,807 You better run. 705 01:00:07,103 --> 01:00:10,105 - Rudolph, where are you? - I'm about to end this. 706 01:00:23,411 --> 01:00:25,996 Amy, huh? What a coincidence. 707 01:00:26,080 --> 01:00:28,790 We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Amy. 708 01:00:28,875 --> 01:00:31,251 - Strawberry blonde, actually. - Yeah? 709 01:00:31,336 --> 01:00:34,004 Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first. 710 01:00:34,088 --> 01:00:36,673 - Catch you later! - Yeah? 711 01:00:36,758 --> 01:00:39,009 Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall. 712 01:00:39,093 --> 01:00:42,054 It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing. 713 01:01:29,435 --> 01:01:32,938 You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this. 714 01:01:37,902 --> 01:01:40,070 Nobody wins with a head butt. 715 01:01:59,841 --> 01:02:01,883 - Give me your cell phone. - I don't have one. 716 01:02:01,968 --> 01:02:04,052 What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone. 717 01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:06,471 I prefer handwritten sentiments. 718 01:02:08,015 --> 01:02:12,436 Who are these sloppy joes for? And who gave you this? 719 01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:15,814 They're mine. I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker. 720 01:02:20,361 --> 01:02:24,072 We're getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you. 721 01:02:24,157 --> 01:02:25,741 Silence, my ass. 722 01:02:26,826 --> 01:02:28,744 What's the matter? Throw a fewjabs your way, 723 01:02:28,828 --> 01:02:31,663 you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb? 724 01:02:32,582 --> 01:02:34,291 If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag, 725 01:02:34,375 --> 01:02:36,585 he's gonna roll over on you all night long. 726 01:02:36,669 --> 01:02:38,754 It's all right. That's not my style. 727 01:02:38,838 --> 01:02:45,010 Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like... 728 01:02:45,094 --> 01:02:46,178 Here. 729 01:02:46,846 --> 01:02:48,555 This is what you been doing? 730 01:02:49,265 --> 01:02:51,475 "Yeah, you and what army?" 731 01:02:53,227 --> 01:02:55,979 - What's wrong with that? - He has an army. 732 01:03:02,945 --> 01:03:05,864 Everyone deserves a card on their birthday. 733 01:03:30,056 --> 01:03:32,641 So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib 734 01:03:32,725 --> 01:03:35,185 about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like, 735 01:03:35,269 --> 01:03:38,605 "Man, any brain-dead mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"? 736 01:03:38,689 --> 01:03:41,358 And then... And then what? You guys all high-fived? 737 01:03:41,442 --> 01:03:45,987 - Veck, this guard is... - Winning! I know this, because I am all set! 738 01:03:46,072 --> 01:03:49,324 But sadly, no codes! 739 01:03:49,408 --> 01:03:53,787 And I'd say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up 740 01:03:53,871 --> 01:03:59,501 in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable! 741 01:03:59,585 --> 01:04:01,628 No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking. 742 01:04:02,338 --> 01:04:03,839 Give me a gun. 743 01:04:06,092 --> 01:04:08,093 Put it down. Put it down. 744 01:04:08,803 --> 01:04:10,345 What are you nodding about? 745 01:04:10,429 --> 01:04:14,224 I was just wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal? 746 01:04:16,769 --> 01:04:18,645 It isn't coming, is it? 747 01:04:22,275 --> 01:04:23,316 What? 748 01:04:23,401 --> 01:04:25,569 This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT. 749 01:04:25,653 --> 01:04:26,903 You wanted to speak to me? 750 01:04:26,988 --> 01:04:30,031 I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid. 751 01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:33,201 You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution. 752 01:04:33,286 --> 01:04:35,453 The easy way or the hard way. 753 01:04:35,538 --> 01:04:37,622 That is such a tough call, but... 754 01:04:37,707 --> 01:04:41,334 Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above! 755 01:04:43,296 --> 01:04:45,255 I'm Amy, by the way. 756 01:04:45,339 --> 01:04:48,758 - Amy? From unbeWEAVEable? - Yeah. 757 01:04:48,843 --> 01:04:52,470 I'm Maya. My father talked forever about you. 758 01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:57,058 And I gotta say, he really does like you. 759 01:04:57,143 --> 01:04:58,894 I'm gonna throw up. 760 01:05:16,829 --> 01:05:18,163 Oh, that's not so bad. 761 01:05:35,806 --> 01:05:37,182 Oh, my God. 762 01:05:38,809 --> 01:05:40,810 They've got his daughter. 763 01:05:41,854 --> 01:05:43,605 - Dad? - Maya. 764 01:05:44,357 --> 01:05:47,025 - Everything's gonna be okay. - How's your blood sugar? 765 01:05:47,109 --> 01:05:50,195 Don't worry about me, okay? I'm worried about you. 766 01:05:50,279 --> 01:05:54,449 I love you. All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out. 767 01:05:54,533 --> 01:05:57,285 You just hang in there, okay, sweetie? 768 01:05:57,370 --> 01:06:00,121 I will. I'm a Blart, remember? 769 01:06:00,206 --> 01:06:02,207 Yeah. I'll see you soon. 770 01:06:04,418 --> 01:06:07,379 I'm supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands with the hostages. 771 01:06:07,463 --> 01:06:11,007 And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now. 772 01:07:18,701 --> 01:07:22,203 "If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to Cayman Islands"? 773 01:07:23,956 --> 01:07:27,459 Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. 774 01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:51,691 Come and get me, Veck. 775 01:07:51,776 --> 01:07:53,902 I got your codes for the credit-card machines. 776 01:07:53,986 --> 01:07:57,906 - Yo, you hear that? That's Paul, baby! - Blart? 777 01:07:59,492 --> 01:08:02,410 That's who's been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me. 778 01:08:02,495 --> 01:08:03,870 Give me a radio. 779 01:08:03,954 --> 01:08:05,622 Let me tell you something. 780 01:08:05,706 --> 01:08:10,335 You take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake. 781 01:08:10,419 --> 01:08:12,462 You seriously undermissed... 782 01:08:15,800 --> 01:08:17,759 And you seriously... 783 01:08:19,011 --> 01:08:20,178 Oh, no! 784 01:08:32,691 --> 01:08:33,900 Blart? 785 01:08:39,532 --> 01:08:42,742 Sugar. Sugar. 786 01:08:42,827 --> 01:08:45,537 Blart? You there, Blart? 787 01:08:51,794 --> 01:08:53,753 Hello, Blart. You there? 788 01:09:17,945 --> 01:09:19,320 Hey, Blart! 789 01:09:20,072 --> 01:09:23,199 I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're gonna give up. 790 01:09:24,952 --> 01:09:26,619 How about now? 791 01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:30,165 I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver. 792 01:09:30,249 --> 01:09:34,085 Yeah, you heard me. Never! 793 01:09:34,170 --> 01:09:35,712 All right, Dad. 794 01:09:40,885 --> 01:09:44,429 Hey, fellas! You looking for me? 795 01:09:47,850 --> 01:09:50,852 Come on. Come on, come on. Come on. 796 01:09:56,400 --> 01:09:58,109 Follow me. 797 01:09:58,194 --> 01:09:59,611 There he is. 798 01:10:03,199 --> 01:10:05,033 We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe. 799 01:10:05,117 --> 01:10:08,119 Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said, 800 01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:10,455 "If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself." 801 01:10:10,539 --> 01:10:13,458 I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here. 802 01:10:22,801 --> 01:10:24,719 Prancer, take the back. 803 01:11:32,496 --> 01:11:35,832 Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo. 804 01:11:58,230 --> 01:12:01,607 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please? 805 01:12:01,692 --> 01:12:03,985 Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands? 806 01:12:04,069 --> 01:12:05,945 Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass. 807 01:12:06,030 --> 01:12:07,655 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. 808 01:12:09,867 --> 01:12:10,950 No. 809 01:12:11,702 --> 01:12:14,746 One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass. 810 01:12:39,188 --> 01:12:42,440 Comet! Don't come back till he's dead! 811 01:12:44,610 --> 01:12:50,198 Brooks. Only one more left. Then it's just me and Veck. 812 01:12:52,868 --> 01:12:55,119 Okay, who's talking to Blart? 813 01:12:55,871 --> 01:12:58,206 Was it you, sugar mouth? 814 01:12:58,290 --> 01:13:00,875 All right. Let's try this again. 815 01:13:00,959 --> 01:13:02,543 Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! 816 01:13:02,628 --> 01:13:05,171 It's her phone, it's hers. She's talking to him. 817 01:13:05,255 --> 01:13:09,300 She's talking to him, and I told her not to. And it's under her leg. 818 01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:12,637 The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That's good. 819 01:13:13,806 --> 01:13:14,931 Okay. 820 01:13:18,519 --> 01:13:20,061 That was close. 821 01:13:20,729 --> 01:13:21,938 He is a pro. 822 01:13:23,482 --> 01:13:25,733 Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in. 823 01:13:25,818 --> 01:13:28,653 Wait! Look, Veck's after the credit-card codes, and I got them. 824 01:13:28,737 --> 01:13:30,321 Just give me a few minutes. 825 01:13:30,406 --> 01:13:31,489 No problem. 826 01:13:53,679 --> 01:13:55,263 Isn't that cute? 827 01:14:16,076 --> 01:14:18,786 - Hey, Amy. I'm on my way. - Oh, hey, Blart. 828 01:14:19,496 --> 01:14:22,623 Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile 829 01:14:22,708 --> 01:14:24,709 on lonelyloser. Com. 830 01:14:25,961 --> 01:14:29,297 "Likes morning rain, walks on the beach." 831 01:14:30,090 --> 01:14:31,883 Who are you, Olivia Newton-John? 832 01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:34,719 I was just speaking from the heart. 833 01:14:34,803 --> 01:14:39,432 Yeah, well, I didn't have to go online, Paul, to know that you love peanut brittle. 834 01:14:39,516 --> 01:14:40,558 You're so pathetic. 835 01:14:45,189 --> 01:14:46,397 Trippy. 836 01:14:51,487 --> 01:14:53,070 This I can use. 837 01:14:54,573 --> 01:14:55,823 What do you want, Veck? 838 01:14:55,908 --> 01:14:58,159 I just want the $30 million that I came here for. 839 01:14:58,243 --> 01:15:02,955 But, you know, I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter. 840 01:15:04,416 --> 01:15:06,459 You touch them, I swear I'll end you. 841 01:15:06,543 --> 01:15:08,002 What're you gonna do, Paul? 842 01:15:08,086 --> 01:15:11,422 You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a gun, 843 01:15:11,507 --> 01:15:13,841 which you and I both know you don't? 844 01:15:15,135 --> 01:15:18,346 - I could. - You're not gonna do squat. 845 01:15:18,430 --> 01:15:21,682 The next time I see you, Paul, I'm gonna put a bullet in your head. 846 01:15:21,767 --> 01:15:25,353 I don't think so. I'm taking you down. 847 01:15:43,622 --> 01:15:44,789 Blart! 848 01:15:50,254 --> 01:15:51,587 Oh, Blart. 849 01:15:59,429 --> 01:16:01,681 Sweet mercy. 850 01:16:09,731 --> 01:16:12,984 I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out. 851 01:16:13,068 --> 01:16:14,902 - Too tight! - This is not happening. 852 01:16:14,987 --> 01:16:17,196 - It's not happening. - Come on. 853 01:16:43,015 --> 01:16:46,517 Bravo. That was awesome. 854 01:16:47,853 --> 01:16:52,607 And you were just so close to making it, too, Paul. Just so close. 855 01:16:52,691 --> 01:16:55,693 - It's not over yet. - Yeah, I think it is. 856 01:16:55,777 --> 01:17:00,990 Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages, 857 01:17:01,074 --> 01:17:05,286 you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me. 858 01:17:07,748 --> 01:17:10,583 You think I'm gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the... 859 01:17:19,843 --> 01:17:22,219 - Yello? - Peanut Blart and Jelly. 860 01:17:22,304 --> 01:17:26,766 What's up, man? So good to hear your voice. 861 01:17:26,850 --> 01:17:28,142 Yeah, it's good to hear your voice, too, Pahud. 862 01:17:28,226 --> 01:17:29,727 Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back. 863 01:17:29,811 --> 01:17:32,605 - What? When? - I don't know when. I'll talk to you later. 864 01:17:32,689 --> 01:17:35,608 Okay, Paul, call me back! Call me back, Paul! 865 01:17:37,986 --> 01:17:40,655 I mean, this just keeps getting better and better. 866 01:17:40,739 --> 01:17:43,699 I mean, you are impossible to underestimate. 867 01:17:43,784 --> 01:17:45,660 I mean, you can't pass the trooper exam, 868 01:17:45,744 --> 01:17:49,705 you black out if you don't have a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes, 869 01:17:49,790 --> 01:17:53,501 you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it. 870 01:17:53,585 --> 01:17:56,754 Again, like you always do. Ain't that right, Maya? 871 01:18:06,098 --> 01:18:09,684 What do you want me to say, Veck? You're smarter than me. 872 01:18:10,769 --> 01:18:14,605 You're good on computers, you kept your weight under control. 873 01:18:15,607 --> 01:18:18,359 I mean, people, they look at me and you, and... 874 01:18:18,443 --> 01:18:20,361 Yeah, it's a landslide. 875 01:18:20,779 --> 01:18:22,363 It's no contest. 876 01:18:24,116 --> 01:18:25,282 Sorry. 877 01:18:26,243 --> 01:18:28,953 Right now, you're the man with the gun. 878 01:18:31,206 --> 01:18:32,748 So here you go. 879 01:18:50,475 --> 01:18:51,976 Come on! 880 01:18:52,060 --> 01:18:53,519 Go get him! 881 01:18:53,603 --> 01:18:54,854 Go, Dad. 882 01:18:56,815 --> 01:18:58,023 What... 883 01:19:02,154 --> 01:19:04,989 Probably should have capitalized on that. 884 01:19:05,657 --> 01:19:06,824 Dad! 885 01:19:12,456 --> 01:19:14,999 Lock and load, boys. We're going in. 886 01:19:21,923 --> 01:19:23,382 Hey, we're on the move. 887 01:19:23,467 --> 01:19:24,717 Let's go. 888 01:19:29,181 --> 01:19:31,182 Come on, come on, come on. 889 01:19:45,989 --> 01:19:48,199 Paul. Think, Paul. Think! 890 01:19:51,077 --> 01:19:55,080 Let's go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects. 891 01:20:05,091 --> 01:20:06,383 Get down! 892 01:20:07,385 --> 01:20:09,720 Hold your fire! Hold your fire! 893 01:20:13,141 --> 01:20:16,393 Down. The other one. That's the back one. 894 01:20:16,478 --> 01:20:19,897 No, no. That's the same one. No! The other one! 895 01:20:19,981 --> 01:20:22,691 Veck got away with my daughter and Amy. 896 01:20:23,235 --> 01:20:26,570 Entry team, clear the mall. We'll pursue. 897 01:20:27,030 --> 01:20:28,239 Light. 898 01:20:30,867 --> 01:20:32,368 Open the door. 899 01:20:36,248 --> 01:20:37,706 Let's do this. 900 01:20:41,503 --> 01:20:43,796 Jimmy, give me your cell phone. 901 01:20:45,590 --> 01:20:49,760 Gotta hand it to you, Blart. You're really taking care of business. 902 01:20:51,763 --> 01:20:52,847 What up? 903 01:20:52,931 --> 01:20:55,599 Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa's cell phone? 904 01:20:55,684 --> 01:21:00,020 You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you? 905 01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:01,772 I need to know where it's headed. 906 01:21:05,610 --> 01:21:07,987 Paul, it looks like they're on their way to McGuire Airfield. 907 01:21:08,071 --> 01:21:10,281 I know where that is. Thanks. 908 01:21:11,408 --> 01:21:12,658 Hang on. 909 01:21:16,204 --> 01:21:17,872 My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel. 910 01:21:17,956 --> 01:21:19,039 What? 911 01:21:20,792 --> 01:21:22,668 Here we go! Here we go! 912 01:21:23,086 --> 01:21:25,045 That was me. I can't... 913 01:21:43,732 --> 01:21:46,901 Here I go! No! 914 01:21:51,531 --> 01:21:52,698 Blart! 915 01:21:57,203 --> 01:21:58,996 Don't do it! Blart! 916 01:22:15,472 --> 01:22:17,097 Oh, God. Oh, God. 917 01:22:31,821 --> 01:22:33,697 Maya! Maya, get inside. 918 01:22:34,157 --> 01:22:35,741 - Oh, God! - Dad! 919 01:22:35,825 --> 01:22:36,909 Paul? 920 01:22:48,964 --> 01:22:50,756 I really don't drink. 921 01:22:56,471 --> 01:22:58,889 Come on. Oh, yeah? 922 01:22:59,891 --> 01:23:01,433 - Dad! - Come on. 923 01:23:05,897 --> 01:23:07,022 Dad! 924 01:23:09,067 --> 01:23:11,235 Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer. 925 01:23:16,157 --> 01:23:18,367 I told you I'd take you down. 926 01:23:22,706 --> 01:23:23,872 Blart! 927 01:23:25,375 --> 01:23:28,335 Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a gun. 928 01:23:28,420 --> 01:23:30,921 I hope you don't mind if I use one. 929 01:23:31,256 --> 01:23:32,339 What? 930 01:23:36,803 --> 01:23:38,637 - Oh, no. - Oh, yeah. 931 01:23:39,472 --> 01:23:41,515 I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands then, huh? 932 01:23:41,599 --> 01:23:43,017 Soon as I get my money. 933 01:23:43,101 --> 01:23:46,770 Yeah, well, you'll be needing this. 934 01:23:46,855 --> 01:23:48,856 Just give it to him, Dad. 935 01:23:49,357 --> 01:23:53,110 Oh, I will. Suck on that! 936 01:23:55,822 --> 01:23:58,490 Okay. Situation update? 937 01:23:59,117 --> 01:24:01,285 We have seven assailants in custody, sir. 938 01:24:01,911 --> 01:24:04,955 - Great. Nobody talks to them but me. - Yes, sir. 939 01:24:05,040 --> 01:24:07,291 You see, jackass? I don't need the phone. 940 01:24:07,375 --> 01:24:09,418 'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm. 941 01:24:09,502 --> 01:24:11,670 Now, I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses. 942 01:24:11,755 --> 01:24:14,339 And since everybody thinks this was a bank... 943 01:24:28,313 --> 01:24:33,317 I got a newsflash for you. Your flight's been canceled. 944 01:24:35,320 --> 01:24:37,780 That's better than anything I got. 945 01:24:45,497 --> 01:24:47,164 You did good, Dad. 946 01:24:48,625 --> 01:24:50,584 Yeah, I am pretty great. 947 01:24:54,255 --> 01:24:57,257 You know, she doesn't need a green card. 948 01:25:39,592 --> 01:25:41,593 I don't know what to say. 949 01:25:42,137 --> 01:25:44,763 I have something I want to say to you. 950 01:25:48,393 --> 01:25:50,144 Happy birthday, Amy. 951 01:26:13,418 --> 01:26:15,210 I heard you applied to be a state trooper. 952 01:26:15,295 --> 01:26:19,006 You say the word, my department would be proud to have you. 953 01:26:19,507 --> 01:26:23,468 Thank you, sir. But I think I'm gonna stick with what I do best. 954 01:26:24,179 --> 01:26:24,182 It's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.