1 00:02:09,264 --> 00:02:11,824 Roddy! School. 2 00:02:16,944 --> 00:02:17,775 Morning. 3 00:03:00,742 --> 00:03:01,692 Get that would you? 4 00:03:02,982 --> 00:03:06,132 If you're not giving me a lift I'll have to get another minicab. 5 00:03:09,261 --> 00:03:10,217 Tristesse Books. 6 00:03:12,261 --> 00:03:17,256 I've got 'Wuthering Heights' with my Year Tens. Hello. Yes? 7 00:03:17,701 --> 00:03:20,660 Tristesse Books? Tom Duval? 8 00:03:21,221 --> 00:03:23,736 Oh, yes, come in. Just down the hall.. 9 00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:58,939 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, 10 00:04:00,819 --> 00:04:06,736 he's a wonderful writer. Very unremittingly bleak. No, 11 00:04:06,779 --> 00:04:08,896 Tristesse doesn't publish him any more. 12 00:04:08,939 --> 00:04:11,739 Do you know what? He had a little disagreement with Tom.. 13 00:04:16,298 --> 00:04:18,733 Yeah, she's one of my favourites. Yeah. 14 00:04:19,658 --> 00:04:23,811 Yea, she was long-listed for the Booker, you know? Right after she was sectioned. 15 00:04:30,458 --> 00:04:33,576 No. She... she left too. Jane Lockhart. 16 00:04:37,338 --> 00:04:38,288 What are you doing? 17 00:04:41,937 --> 00:04:44,336 I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to... 18 00:04:44,337 --> 00:04:46,010 I was just touching it. 19 00:04:47,617 --> 00:04:51,816 Not like 'touching' it, that's like molesting. Like I'm some kind of pervert. 20 00:04:54,857 --> 00:04:55,847 Which I'm not. 21 00:04:57,257 --> 00:05:02,332 So, Young European Publisher of the Year, Runner Up? That's really impressive. 22 00:05:03,656 --> 00:05:05,156 I have a swimming certificate. 23 00:05:08,336 --> 00:05:09,406 Who the hell are you? 24 00:05:10,336 --> 00:05:11,133 Jane Lockhart. 25 00:05:12,976 --> 00:05:15,126 I wrote 'The Endless Anguish of My Father'. 26 00:05:16,256 --> 00:05:19,613 Ah. Yes. 27 00:05:20,696 --> 00:05:21,493 Follow me. 28 00:05:28,215 --> 00:05:31,094 I'm busy, so I'll keep this brief. I read your novel. 29 00:05:31,095 --> 00:05:33,246 I'm afraid it needs work. A lot of work. 30 00:05:33,895 --> 00:05:35,045 Please. Sit down. 31 00:05:35,895 --> 00:05:38,694 But it has potential, so I'm going to publish it. 32 00:05:40,375 --> 00:05:43,734 I'm offering you a two-book deal. It's going mean a lot of rewriting... 33 00:05:43,735 --> 00:05:46,694 ...definitely a new title - and neither of us will get rich... 34 00:05:46,695 --> 00:05:50,013 ...but I think you have it in you to be a writer and, unfashionable... 35 00:05:50,014 --> 00:05:53,514 ...as it may seem, that's what I came here to find. I believe you are.. 36 00:05:59,134 --> 00:05:59,965 ...crying. 37 00:06:00,054 --> 00:06:00,851 Sorry. 38 00:06:02,054 --> 00:06:04,444 I didn't mean to start... 39 00:06:05,214 --> 00:06:11,214 It's just, it's been so long. So many rejections and I have a board... 40 00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:12,250 You have a board? 41 00:06:12,293 --> 00:06:15,650 Of rejection letters. I call it my Board of Pain. 42 00:06:16,893 --> 00:06:18,393 Well that's completely normal. 43 00:06:18,773 --> 00:06:19,650 It is? 44 00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:23,412 I'm sorry. He was like this at university. Everywhere he went crying women. 45 00:06:23,413 --> 00:06:26,133 You lot are supposed to be charming. Charmant, n'est-ce pas? 46 00:06:26,173 --> 00:06:30,273 - I told you, never speak in French to me. - Don't you dare. - No, no, no really... 47 00:06:31,053 --> 00:06:36,446 I've never been so happy in all my life. 48 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:14,083 Jane. There is no need to be nervous. 49 00:07:14,531 --> 00:07:20,531 Nervous? Me? No. No. No. I'm not nervous. Not me. Okay, a little bit nervous. 50 00:07:22,570 --> 00:07:23,447 You'll be fine. 51 00:07:24,290 --> 00:07:27,689 Sorry it's just usually I need a run-up before I start editing. 52 00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:29,807 Like tea. A walk. Regret in the shower. 53 00:07:30,090 --> 00:07:31,240 Or we could just begin. 54 00:07:33,290 --> 00:07:36,567 Okay. Okay, yes. So where do you want to begin? 55 00:07:36,770 --> 00:07:39,570 Well, call me crazy, but we could start at the beginning. 56 00:07:40,090 --> 00:07:44,527 Yeah. Okay, yeah. Crazy Frenchman. 57 00:07:44,689 --> 00:07:45,520 What? 58 00:07:47,089 --> 00:07:48,125 I don't know. Great. 59 00:07:49,609 --> 00:07:50,440 So you're in a good mood. 60 00:07:50,649 --> 00:07:51,844 I'm always in a good mood. 61 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,039 - No you're not. - Yes I am. 62 00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:54,489 - Are you? - Yes. 63 00:07:54,609 --> 00:07:55,440 Oh. 64 00:09:33,525 --> 00:09:36,165 Well, actually I'm reading it right now... 65 00:09:37,525 --> 00:09:41,625 "I shut my eyes and sank into the water letting it caress over my face and hair..." 66 00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,883 I was just, you know, passing, and thought it might... 67 00:09:45,884 --> 00:09:48,784 ...have come back from the printer's and it actually has... 68 00:09:54,964 --> 00:09:57,718 "Beneath my feet I felt crumbled pages.." 69 00:10:01,084 --> 00:10:02,134 I don't believe this. 70 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:03,753 I'll call you back. 71 00:10:04,123 --> 00:10:06,002 'Happy Ending'? 'Happy Ending'!? 72 00:10:06,003 --> 00:10:09,122 What happened to 'The Endless Anguish of My Father'? 73 00:10:09,123 --> 00:10:14,039 What happened? You know how important this stuff is. You changed my title! To that? 74 00:10:14,203 --> 00:10:17,594 I told you. The very first time we met. I said it must go. 75 00:10:17,643 --> 00:10:18,997 Yes but we never discussed it. 76 00:10:19,083 --> 00:10:20,683 I knew how you'd react, darling. 77 00:10:22,843 --> 00:10:25,835 Oi, careful. That's my Young Publisher of the Year award. 78 00:10:26,442 --> 00:10:27,273 Runner-up! 79 00:10:31,002 --> 00:10:32,118 What's wrong with you? 80 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:33,713 Who are you? 81 00:10:34,562 --> 00:10:35,439 What? 82 00:10:35,522 --> 00:10:38,372 All that time we spent together working on the manuscript. 83 00:10:40,082 --> 00:10:42,551 No-one's ever got me the way you... 84 00:10:51,281 --> 00:10:52,158 I don't know you. 85 00:10:57,081 --> 00:11:01,280 Look, it was a terrible title and I changed it. 86 00:11:01,281 --> 00:11:04,399 What's done is done. Let's move on. 87 00:11:05,121 --> 00:11:06,396 How can it be so easy for you? 88 00:11:06,521 --> 00:11:10,200 Perhaps because I am not a moderately talented writer whose... 89 00:11:10,201 --> 00:11:14,558 ...loser dad left her with an inability to stop worshipping her own pain. 90 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,989 Come, sit down. Let's talk about the launch. 91 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:20,477 You know what? 92 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,630 Our deal is one more book. And then what's done is done. 93 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,150 Let's move on. 94 00:11:43,759 --> 00:11:46,513 'Most childhood summers are long and blue. 95 00:11:47,879 --> 00:11:51,479 Mine wasn't like that. And certainly not the summer when mam got sick...' 96 00:12:06,478 --> 00:12:08,757 She'd taken me to Woolworths to choose my birthday present... 97 00:12:08,758 --> 00:12:11,077 ...and it wouldn't be like last year when dad just slipped the... 98 00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:14,478 ...Barbie under his coat and walked right out of the door with it...' 99 00:12:25,797 --> 00:12:27,097 Thank you for coming down. 100 00:12:27,757 --> 00:12:29,749 One more. There you are. 101 00:12:33,077 --> 00:12:35,273 And this is to...? 102 00:13:16,555 --> 00:13:21,194 It's great to be here to present this award for... 103 00:13:21,195 --> 00:13:27,195 ...Best New Writer to an outstanding debut. 'Happy Ending'. Jane Lockhart. 104 00:13:40,754 --> 00:13:41,710 Congratulations. 105 00:13:41,914 --> 00:13:42,791 Thank you. 106 00:13:45,514 --> 00:13:49,303 What we have here, is a real writer. 107 00:13:50,314 --> 00:13:55,104 Someone who can go to some pretty dark places. But I get it, Jane. 108 00:13:55,153 --> 00:13:59,952 Writers. We both understand what it is to face El Toro Blanco... 109 00:13:59,953 --> 00:14:03,912 ...the terror of the white bull, the blank page. 110 00:14:03,913 --> 00:14:07,873 And every day we face it. Together. Right, Jane? 111 00:14:09,673 --> 00:14:12,711 Ladies and Gentlemen, Jane Lockhart. 112 00:14:22,792 --> 00:14:23,589 Thank you. 113 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:36,866 Yeah? 114 00:15:37,109 --> 00:15:38,228 I'm starting the final chapter. 115 00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,061 You'll have the manuscript by the end of the week. 116 00:15:40,349 --> 00:15:41,465 About bloody time. 117 00:15:41,509 --> 00:15:43,868 Ah Tom, as ever my little ray of sunshine. 118 00:15:43,869 --> 00:15:46,464 Well, moan all you like, I've never been this- 119 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:47,860 Annoying? 120 00:15:48,069 --> 00:15:51,266 Happy. You bastard. Happy. 121 00:15:51,308 --> 00:15:54,460 So, one more chapter... 122 00:15:54,668 --> 00:15:57,168 - Yes. - And we never have to see each other again. 123 00:15:58,108 --> 00:15:58,939 Yes. 124 00:15:59,188 --> 00:16:02,864 Better get writing then. A bientot, Jane. 125 00:16:03,188 --> 00:16:04,258 Au revoir, Tom. 126 00:17:07,225 --> 00:17:09,376 Willie. I'm off out for a bit. 127 00:17:09,785 --> 00:17:10,582 Sure. 128 00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:18,099 Just look at the chapter.. 129 00:17:20,425 --> 00:17:22,783 Listen, I don't care what you think. 130 00:17:22,784 --> 00:17:27,222 I'm telling you, this is not an opening chapter. It's an Ice Age. 131 00:17:29,264 --> 00:17:31,183 You can't talk to me like that. 132 00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:35,781 I was voted one of Scotland's foremost novelists under the age of thirty. 133 00:17:40,904 --> 00:17:44,342 And that's why I won't allow this piece of crap... 134 00:17:44,343 --> 00:17:47,142 ...to be published with your name on it. 135 00:17:49,143 --> 00:17:50,782 You have my notes. Fix it. 136 00:17:56,823 --> 00:17:58,773 Bye then Nicola. See you at the launch. 137 00:18:00,823 --> 00:18:04,897 If you try to make me cry, I'll inform Inland Revenue about your yacht. 138 00:18:21,102 --> 00:18:21,899 Hi. 139 00:18:22,782 --> 00:18:23,659 Hi. 140 00:18:33,301 --> 00:18:37,001 If we have to talk figures, can you do that thing where you use vegetables? 141 00:18:37,101 --> 00:18:38,694 Imagine this tomato is my cashflow. 142 00:18:38,741 --> 00:18:40,733 How many new writers have you thrown money at this year? 143 00:18:41,181 --> 00:18:45,778 I only throw money at good writers. Good Scottish writers. I'm very patriotic. 144 00:18:46,021 --> 00:18:47,221 And what does it matter? 145 00:18:47,621 --> 00:18:50,971 One hit pays for all the rest. And I have a bestseller in the wings. 146 00:18:50,981 --> 00:18:53,859 Jane Lockhart. Yes. So how's the new book shaping up? 147 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,254 I have no idea. 148 00:18:55,780 --> 00:18:58,180 She won't let me read a word until it's finished. 149 00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:02,094 Relax. It'll be just like the first one. 150 00:19:02,780 --> 00:19:04,630 I read that she was moving publisher. 151 00:19:05,340 --> 00:19:07,536 Klinsch & McLeish - with the red and white covers? That's big time. 152 00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:11,019 Klinsch & McLeish. You know what they're called in the trade? 153 00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:13,899 Clench and Release. They're not right for my Jane. 154 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,499 - For Jane. - So talk to her. Persuade her to stay. 155 00:19:18,539 --> 00:19:20,258 But I don't want her to stay. 156 00:19:21,339 --> 00:19:23,979 After she delivers her new novel, I want her to go. Far away. 157 00:19:24,019 --> 00:19:28,172 Oh for God's sake, Tom, Tristesse Books is on the verge of compulsory liquidation. 158 00:19:29,579 --> 00:19:31,616 And, I've had an offer. 159 00:19:31,859 --> 00:19:33,259 Well you're a very attractive... 160 00:19:33,299 --> 00:19:34,096 Shut up. 161 00:19:36,139 --> 00:19:37,489 They want to invest in you. 162 00:19:42,018 --> 00:19:43,617 I don't need Pandemic Media. 163 00:19:43,618 --> 00:19:47,134 I have Jane Lockhart and this time she's going all the way. 164 00:19:47,178 --> 00:19:50,057 Are you sure? Because if she doesn't deliver... 165 00:19:51,058 --> 00:19:52,808 ...your tomatoes look like ketchup. 166 00:19:53,298 --> 00:19:56,297 She'll deliver. She may be a miserable pain in the arse... 167 00:19:56,298 --> 00:19:59,177 ...but when she's writing, she's like a guided missile. 168 00:20:08,537 --> 00:20:09,368 Tea-spoon? 169 00:20:16,897 --> 00:20:19,207 Willie? Willie, will you get that? 170 00:20:21,217 --> 00:20:22,014 Willie. 171 00:20:33,976 --> 00:20:34,807 Hello? 172 00:20:34,856 --> 00:20:36,756 Thursday or Friday for the manuscript? 173 00:20:37,376 --> 00:20:38,571 Grease-proof paper. 174 00:20:43,336 --> 00:20:44,215 I just want to check. 175 00:20:44,216 --> 00:20:46,416 You're certain it will be finished next week? 176 00:20:46,656 --> 00:20:48,206 I told you, one more chapter... 177 00:20:49,255 --> 00:20:50,205 What are you doing? 178 00:20:52,175 --> 00:20:53,006 Nothing. 179 00:20:53,095 --> 00:20:53,892 Are you baking? 180 00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:16,334 Oh my God, she's baking. She only bakes when she's blocked. 181 00:21:21,654 --> 00:21:23,486 Largest planet in the solar system? 182 00:21:23,974 --> 00:21:24,851 Jupiter. 183 00:21:25,094 --> 00:21:26,453 Who did Ali beat to become... 184 00:21:26,454 --> 00:21:28,854 ...World Heavyweight Champion for the first time? 185 00:21:29,334 --> 00:21:33,248 Sonny Liston. Come on, the quiz is gonna be harder than this. Get serious. 186 00:21:34,094 --> 00:21:36,289 Who was Shakespeare's wife? 187 00:21:38,773 --> 00:21:39,650 Hi dad. 188 00:21:40,173 --> 00:21:41,209 Darling. 189 00:21:44,693 --> 00:21:46,043 Who was Shakespeare's wife? 190 00:21:46,493 --> 00:21:47,529 Anne Hathaway. 191 00:21:47,773 --> 00:21:51,212 And at the end of the third round, the leaders are Benny Lockhart... 192 00:21:51,213 --> 00:21:55,366 ...and his Jets with twenty-two points. Join us for the second half in ten minutes. 193 00:22:01,012 --> 00:22:01,809 Monsieur L. 194 00:22:01,892 --> 00:22:02,723 Ah Tom. 195 00:22:04,332 --> 00:22:05,322 Good to see you again. 196 00:22:05,372 --> 00:22:06,522 - Good to see you. - How are you? 197 00:22:06,572 --> 00:22:07,801 Aye, good. Where you been hiding? 198 00:22:08,012 --> 00:22:09,207 From your daughter mostly. 199 00:22:09,252 --> 00:22:12,011 Oh I understand that. Never talked to me for years... 200 00:22:12,012 --> 00:22:14,368 ...but for good reason. Hey, what you having? 201 00:22:14,412 --> 00:22:16,449 Nothing. He's not staying. 202 00:22:17,052 --> 00:22:17,929 Come on Jane. 203 00:22:19,052 --> 00:22:20,168 What are you doing here? 204 00:22:20,252 --> 00:22:22,330 My favourite author is being adapted... 205 00:22:22,331 --> 00:22:25,449 ...by Scotland's most talented screenwriter. Will Scott. 206 00:22:26,411 --> 00:22:29,609 Huge fan. Naturally I want to know how he's getting on. 207 00:22:30,691 --> 00:22:33,610 Well, I mean I may not be the most talented but... 208 00:22:33,611 --> 00:22:35,603 ...who else are you going to pick? 209 00:22:41,611 --> 00:22:42,511 Where is my novel? 210 00:22:42,531 --> 00:22:43,410 I'm working on it. 211 00:22:43,411 --> 00:22:45,481 So you're not suffering from El Torro Blanco? 212 00:22:45,610 --> 00:22:46,487 The what? 213 00:22:46,570 --> 00:22:48,527 - So you're not b-I-o-c-k-e-d? - Why are you spelling it? 214 00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:51,802 It's nothing to be ashamed of and there are plenty of strategies to overcome it. 215 00:22:51,850 --> 00:22:52,650 I'm not blocked. 216 00:22:52,730 --> 00:22:54,608 - For instance, stimulants and narcotics. - I'm not blocked. 217 00:22:54,650 --> 00:22:57,085 For a while there, Hunter S Thompson was permanently unblocked. 218 00:22:57,130 --> 00:22:57,961 I'm not blocked. 219 00:22:58,010 --> 00:23:01,809 Until you deliver that manuscript you're still under contract to me. 220 00:23:01,810 --> 00:23:05,804 So, whatever's going on, snap out of it and get writing. 'Bye, Jane. 221 00:23:08,369 --> 00:23:09,166 'Bye Jane. 222 00:23:10,009 --> 00:23:11,409 Oh, he's not gone, has he? 223 00:23:12,929 --> 00:23:14,283 We never got the chance to talk about my screenplay. 224 00:23:15,289 --> 00:23:16,086 Hi. 225 00:23:16,169 --> 00:23:21,244 The French really appreciate my work, you know. Connoisseurs de Cinema. Oh aye. 226 00:23:21,929 --> 00:23:25,001 We should have him over for dinner. Your wine. 227 00:23:25,449 --> 00:23:26,326 Bathroom. 228 00:23:33,008 --> 00:23:36,399 I know you, don't I? Where was it we met? 229 00:23:38,048 --> 00:23:40,207 Chapter Two. I'm in the opening chapter of course... 230 00:23:40,208 --> 00:23:43,458 ...but I'd say you only really get to know me from Chapter Two on. 231 00:23:47,728 --> 00:23:48,605 Darsie? 232 00:23:50,848 --> 00:23:51,748 What do you think? 233 00:23:51,768 --> 00:23:53,088 I think I'm talking to my protagonist. 234 00:23:53,128 --> 00:23:54,004 I prefer heroine. 235 00:23:55,367 --> 00:23:56,567 What are you doing here? 236 00:23:57,567 --> 00:23:59,206 It's a very intense narrative. 237 00:23:59,207 --> 00:24:03,520 I personally have suffered a broken engagement and two bereavements, so far. 238 00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:04,967 Yes, I know. Sorry. 239 00:24:05,127 --> 00:24:06,726 Oh no, please don't apologise. 240 00:24:06,727 --> 00:24:09,959 I think it's going to make me a stronger person in the end. 241 00:24:10,367 --> 00:24:14,566 The end? Yes, so you're going to go back and finish it? 242 00:24:16,686 --> 00:24:19,805 I can't do that, not without you. 243 00:24:19,806 --> 00:24:25,120 Why can't you finish it, Jane? What are you afraid of? 244 00:24:43,445 --> 00:24:45,095 Get a hold of yourself, will you. 245 00:24:47,085 --> 00:24:49,805 Gets me every time. Three times now. 246 00:24:52,445 --> 00:24:53,515 It's that ending... 247 00:24:54,125 --> 00:24:56,725 Don't talk to me about damn endings. Do your marking. 248 00:24:56,845 --> 00:24:59,405 Okay. It's silly. 249 00:25:03,084 --> 00:25:04,404 Oh, Jane says hi. 250 00:25:07,484 --> 00:25:08,520 That poor lassie. 251 00:25:10,324 --> 00:25:12,316 She must have lead such a shocking life to write like that. 252 00:25:12,564 --> 00:25:13,564 What are you saying? 253 00:25:13,764 --> 00:25:19,203 Ah well, the lonely page, the endless introspection... 254 00:25:19,284 --> 00:25:22,523 ...the mind plagued by funky thoughts. 255 00:25:22,524 --> 00:25:27,279 It's how writers tick, isn't it? No misery, no poetry. 256 00:25:39,323 --> 00:25:40,200 Yeah? 257 00:25:40,243 --> 00:25:41,359 Did you speak to Jane Lockhart? 258 00:25:41,563 --> 00:25:45,796 Yes, she's happy. Very happy. Happier than she's ever been, apparently. 259 00:25:46,603 --> 00:25:47,514 And the novel? 260 00:25:52,482 --> 00:25:55,316 Tom? Hello? You still there? 261 00:25:58,922 --> 00:25:59,753 Tom? 262 00:26:08,402 --> 00:26:12,032 I have a problem I believe may be suited to your particular talents. 263 00:26:12,561 --> 00:26:14,757 Let's say... 264 00:26:16,161 --> 00:26:17,361 ...a miserable writer... 265 00:26:17,841 --> 00:26:21,720 ...through the supreme efforts of her publisher and her own meagre talent... 266 00:26:21,721 --> 00:26:24,316 ...becomes successful and happy. Are you listening? 267 00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:25,872 Hello, sir. 268 00:26:26,361 --> 00:26:27,795 Amber. Roxanne. 269 00:26:27,841 --> 00:26:29,355 Out on a school night, sir? 270 00:26:29,761 --> 00:26:31,011 This your boyfriend, sir? 271 00:26:34,561 --> 00:26:37,120 Say nothing, just keep very still. You don't want to antagonise them. 272 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:38,660 Can we get back to my problem? 273 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,469 Okay. Yeah, miserable writer becomes successful and happy. I get it. And? 274 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:47,638 And being happy she is unable to finish her latest miserable novel. 275 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:52,639 So, in order to help her, the selfless publisher embarks on a course of action... 276 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,919 ...to return her to the fragile mental state... 277 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:57,370 ...in which she wrote her highly profitable debut. 278 00:26:59,039 --> 00:27:03,039 You want to make Jane Lockhart's life a misery so she'll finish writing her book? 279 00:27:03,399 --> 00:27:06,039 That is seriously messed up. Do they teach you this stuff in France? 280 00:27:06,079 --> 00:27:07,479 We study a broad curriculum. 281 00:27:07,799 --> 00:27:11,679 So, how do we make someone completely totally miserable? 282 00:27:12,559 --> 00:27:13,834 Why are you asking me? 283 00:27:14,839 --> 00:27:17,638 I've dedicated the last ten years to encouraging young minds... 284 00:27:17,639 --> 00:27:19,238 ...planting hope and aspiration... 285 00:27:19,239 --> 00:27:22,839 Benson, put it away! Stand in the corner! Face to the wall! Little shite. 286 00:27:25,718 --> 00:27:28,168 Okay, maybe I have some experience in the field... 287 00:27:28,598 --> 00:27:33,070 The trick is not simply to upset her. You have to get her in the right mood. 288 00:27:33,358 --> 00:27:36,477 It's a special kind of misery you want. Melancholy. 289 00:27:36,478 --> 00:27:40,397 That dull sense of dissociation and alienation that's the source... 290 00:27:40,398 --> 00:27:44,676 ...of every artist's creativity. It's like drain unblocker for novelists. 291 00:27:46,957 --> 00:27:51,356 Keats. John Keats. You're plan involves actually poetry? 292 00:27:51,357 --> 00:27:55,112 I think by definition that makes it a shit plan. 293 00:27:59,597 --> 00:28:05,070 Alright, settle down you lot, settle down. William Wordsworth. 294 00:28:06,717 --> 00:28:11,836 Wordsworth was, of course, the first of the Romantics to use a MacBook Pro... 295 00:28:43,275 --> 00:28:45,392 Careful. You're going to kill that thing. 296 00:28:55,594 --> 00:28:57,944 You know, it was a birthday present from my dad. 297 00:28:59,914 --> 00:29:01,633 He showed up out of the blue with a card and... 298 00:29:01,874 --> 00:29:06,505 ...a baby money plant and he said, "I owe you darlin'. 299 00:29:07,794 --> 00:29:09,387 I owe you the world." 300 00:29:11,394 --> 00:29:12,305 And then... 301 00:29:13,794 --> 00:29:14,894 ...and then he left... 302 00:29:16,194 --> 00:29:18,344 ...and I didn't see him again for six years. 303 00:29:20,833 --> 00:29:22,745 How many 'p's in 'deprivation'? 304 00:29:28,073 --> 00:29:28,904 Just one. 305 00:29:29,793 --> 00:29:30,624 One. 306 00:29:36,393 --> 00:29:40,306 Coffee cake. That was your mum's favourite. 307 00:29:40,592 --> 00:29:41,469 I know. 308 00:29:42,992 --> 00:29:45,666 Your mum was a big fan of cake in general. 309 00:29:47,432 --> 00:29:49,382 She always made a cake for my birthday. 310 00:29:49,712 --> 00:29:50,509 Aye. 311 00:29:53,512 --> 00:29:55,162 D'you remember when you were six? 312 00:29:56,192 --> 00:30:01,111 Your mum and I took you to Edinburgh zoo and the monkeys threw rotten fruit at us. 313 00:30:01,112 --> 00:30:04,390 I slipped on a bit. Fractured my foot in three places. 314 00:30:04,391 --> 00:30:07,463 Those monkeys were laughing at us. Do you remember? 315 00:30:07,511 --> 00:30:09,104 Yeah. I remember. 316 00:30:13,591 --> 00:30:17,028 That's in your book, isn't it? 'Happy Thing'. 317 00:30:18,231 --> 00:30:20,270 'Ending'. It's called 'Happy Ending'. 318 00:30:20,271 --> 00:30:23,710 And, yes, the main character does go to the zoo with her dad... 319 00:30:23,711 --> 00:30:27,101 ...but he's not you, and they're not monkeys, they're penguins. 320 00:30:29,230 --> 00:30:30,869 Do penguins throw fruit? 321 00:30:32,830 --> 00:30:36,580 It's different. It's a story, not real life. You know, they're not the same. 322 00:30:38,230 --> 00:30:41,462 Whatever you say. Damn monkeys. 323 00:30:45,270 --> 00:30:46,260 How's the new book doing? 324 00:30:46,470 --> 00:30:47,301 Oh it's cooking. 325 00:30:48,870 --> 00:30:49,746 And Tommy? 326 00:30:50,549 --> 00:30:53,988 Don't call him Tommy. His name is Thomas Duval. He's from Saint-Tropez. 327 00:30:53,989 --> 00:30:55,748 A place they named a fake tan after. 328 00:30:55,749 --> 00:30:58,628 You call him Tommy you make him sound like he's from here. 329 00:30:58,629 --> 00:31:01,828 Like he's... normal. With his 'ouiii' and his stupid stubbly face. 330 00:31:01,829 --> 00:31:03,729 See a lot of Thomas Duvals round here? 331 00:31:03,989 --> 00:31:06,889 There was a Jean-Claude Darcheville, he played for Rangers. 332 00:31:07,509 --> 00:31:11,548 Anyway, forget about Tom. I'm about to sign with a new publisher. Klinsch & McLeish 333 00:31:11,549 --> 00:31:13,399 y'know with the red and white covers? 334 00:31:14,348 --> 00:31:15,941 I liked him. I liked Tom. 335 00:31:16,188 --> 00:31:16,985 Dad. 336 00:31:17,068 --> 00:31:21,168 I mean, nobody else wanted your wee book, did they? I mean, he showed faith in you. 337 00:31:21,668 --> 00:31:24,900 No, he showed faith in my book. You know he changed my original title? 338 00:31:25,108 --> 00:31:26,098 - Did he? - Yes. 339 00:31:26,148 --> 00:31:28,299 Was it a good title? That's not the point. 340 00:31:28,348 --> 00:31:30,348 What was it? What was the original title? 341 00:31:30,628 --> 00:31:32,699 Uh.. nothing. Nothing. It doesn't matter. 342 00:31:33,188 --> 00:31:35,866 Oh tell me. I mean I like that kind of stuff. 343 00:31:35,867 --> 00:31:40,225 You know, stuff that other people don't know. Makes me feel closer to you. 344 00:31:41,587 --> 00:31:46,901 Okay. But.. okay. I was going to call it... 'The Endless Anguish of My Father'. 345 00:31:50,907 --> 00:31:55,706 For fuck's sake! 'The Endless Anguish of My Father'. 346 00:31:55,707 --> 00:31:58,858 I knew it was about me, I knew it. 347 00:31:59,666 --> 00:32:02,166 No, it's not about you. It's a character I made up. 348 00:32:02,226 --> 00:32:04,985 People at work looked at me differently when it came out. 349 00:32:04,986 --> 00:32:06,886 I knew it. I'm away back to the depot. 350 00:32:07,026 --> 00:32:09,785 No, you never read it. You're not allowed to be... 351 00:32:09,786 --> 00:32:12,545 ...hurt until you've actually read the damn thing! 352 00:32:12,546 --> 00:32:15,903 D'you not think I'm hurt my own dad hasn't read my novel? 353 00:32:18,106 --> 00:32:22,463 I will read it. I'll read just as soon as I get over my 'anguish'. 354 00:32:26,265 --> 00:32:27,062 Dad? 355 00:32:41,625 --> 00:32:43,105 Target acquired. Over. 356 00:32:43,785 --> 00:32:47,623 It's a pot plant, Roddy. Not a North Korean reactor. 357 00:32:47,624 --> 00:32:50,776 Just warn me if either of them comes back. 358 00:32:50,944 --> 00:32:52,844 Roger that. Understood loud and clear. 359 00:32:53,864 --> 00:32:55,378 That is a solid copy. 360 00:33:03,984 --> 00:33:07,421 Right. Time for some low-level unhappiness. 361 00:33:19,703 --> 00:33:20,693 'Twilight Sad'. 362 00:33:29,063 --> 00:33:30,313 Hey Roddy, are you there? 363 00:33:49,702 --> 00:33:54,139 Maverick to Iceman, we are Oscar Mike. 364 00:33:57,181 --> 00:33:58,979 Five klicks from extraction point. 365 00:34:01,621 --> 00:34:03,977 We have a clean visual... bollocks. 366 00:34:04,021 --> 00:34:05,899 Err, Tom? Tom? She's back. 367 00:34:07,341 --> 00:34:08,138 What? 368 00:34:08,221 --> 00:34:09,571 She's coming up the stairs. 369 00:34:09,821 --> 00:34:10,618 Shit. 370 00:34:11,621 --> 00:34:14,534 Damn it, man. Get out of there. Abort! Abort! 371 00:35:08,298 --> 00:35:11,448 Oh that's horrible. She's really upset. I'm not looking at that. 372 00:35:15,178 --> 00:35:17,773 Yes. Ow. What was that for? 373 00:35:19,658 --> 00:35:21,158 You're enjoying this too much. 374 00:35:21,578 --> 00:35:23,331 It's for her own good. 375 00:35:25,698 --> 00:35:27,998 And it's not as if I actually killed her plant. 376 00:36:23,175 --> 00:36:25,531 - So what do you think? - I think this is the end of Les Miserables. 377 00:36:25,575 --> 00:36:27,625 Yes. You should write something like that. 378 00:36:27,655 --> 00:36:29,694 Oh, yes, thank you. Great suggestion. 379 00:36:29,695 --> 00:36:32,734 Bit French? People dying of consumption and all that? 380 00:36:32,735 --> 00:36:36,614 I'm a bit more Urban Scotland. Primal Scream. Unhappy 90's childhood. 381 00:36:36,654 --> 00:36:38,454 - Sorry? - She wasn't talking to you. 382 00:36:40,174 --> 00:36:41,374 I wasn't talking to you. 383 00:36:49,054 --> 00:36:50,454 - Willie? - Hmm? 384 00:36:52,294 --> 00:36:55,492 Do your characters ever... talk to you? 385 00:36:56,534 --> 00:37:01,767 Sure. All the time. That's why I've got this. Drowns out the bastards. 386 00:37:02,453 --> 00:37:06,083 See, when I'm writing, I like to hear the one voice. Mine. 387 00:37:06,413 --> 00:37:08,564 Charming. Quite the hero. 388 00:37:10,253 --> 00:37:11,209 You still blocked? 389 00:37:32,972 --> 00:37:34,850 101 Ways to Beat Writer's Block? 390 00:37:38,172 --> 00:37:39,472 Beat Your Block To A Pulp? 391 00:37:44,332 --> 00:37:46,243 What Would Jesus Write? Seriously? 392 00:37:47,491 --> 00:37:48,810 Okay. Okay, so what's the deal? 393 00:37:48,811 --> 00:37:51,121 Are you going to stalk me until you finish my novel? 394 00:37:51,331 --> 00:37:54,483 Yes, I believe that's how it works. Now, can we talk about the last chapter? 395 00:37:54,771 --> 00:37:55,602 What about it? 396 00:37:56,051 --> 00:37:58,751 I'm a romantic heroine. I don't want to end up unhappy. 397 00:37:58,851 --> 00:38:01,250 It's not that easy. You don't really get to choose your ending. 398 00:38:01,251 --> 00:38:03,686 It has to follow from what came before, or it doesn't feel true. 399 00:38:03,971 --> 00:38:09,970 Please. I want it all to turn out okay. Jane, don't let us down, darling... 400 00:38:10,090 --> 00:38:10,887 Jane Lockhart? 401 00:38:12,210 --> 00:38:15,969 I thought it was you. Shona Heywood, proprietor of Mocha Books. 402 00:38:15,970 --> 00:38:21,204 Can I just say it's such a pleasure to meet the woman who helped pay for my new kitchen. 403 00:38:23,570 --> 00:38:25,050 It is, it's her. It's her. 404 00:38:26,130 --> 00:38:30,920 I just loved 'Happy Ending'. It's so sad. 405 00:38:30,969 --> 00:38:32,369 I can't wait for your next one. 406 00:38:32,409 --> 00:38:33,559 - What's it called? - Is it finished yet? 407 00:38:34,049 --> 00:38:35,403 Well, it's going to be, err... 408 00:38:35,489 --> 00:38:38,288 It must be difficult. I mean, so much to live up to. 409 00:38:38,289 --> 00:38:42,124 How do you come back after the extraordinary success of 'Happy Ending'? 410 00:38:45,169 --> 00:38:46,848 We are interrupting the muse. 411 00:38:46,849 --> 00:38:49,608 I'm sure you're eager to get back to the page. 412 00:38:49,609 --> 00:38:50,440 Oh yes. 413 00:38:50,529 --> 00:38:52,529 And I have my eye on a gorgeous bathroom. 414 00:38:54,688 --> 00:38:56,447 Please, take that, with my compliments. 415 00:38:56,448 --> 00:38:58,898 - I just need to run that through the till.. - No! 416 00:39:00,808 --> 00:39:01,685 Blocked? 417 00:39:29,607 --> 00:39:30,484 Dad. 418 00:39:31,567 --> 00:39:32,444 Come in. 419 00:39:32,847 --> 00:39:34,147 I was just making strudel. 420 00:39:35,127 --> 00:39:37,278 I can't stay anyway. Err... 421 00:39:39,087 --> 00:39:40,237 I just wanted to say... 422 00:39:43,486 --> 00:39:47,446 I had it in my head, what I was going to say. 423 00:39:48,966 --> 00:39:51,116 I don't suppose you're ever stuck for words. 424 00:39:53,606 --> 00:39:57,839 Listen. We don't really know each other. 425 00:39:58,606 --> 00:40:01,565 And I would like to get to know you. 426 00:40:01,566 --> 00:40:04,364 And I'm making a mess of it again. 427 00:40:05,325 --> 00:40:07,237 The other day, in the cemetery... 428 00:40:09,205 --> 00:40:13,404 I was out of order. I was and I'm sorry. 429 00:40:13,405 --> 00:40:18,116 I'm really sorry darlin'. Right, that's it. 430 00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:21,164 I've said it and, err, I'm going to go and meet... 431 00:40:21,165 --> 00:40:24,397 ...the boys for quiz practice. I'm off, okay. I'm off. 432 00:40:25,445 --> 00:40:26,275 Dad? 433 00:40:32,164 --> 00:40:38,164 It's okay. Look, I know how complicated all of this is and, err... 434 00:40:39,764 --> 00:40:41,114 Can I be on your quiz team? 435 00:40:48,604 --> 00:40:52,643 I think maybe you're a bit busy for a daft quiz team. 436 00:40:55,643 --> 00:41:00,923 Please. I'd like to. Get to know you. 437 00:41:03,163 --> 00:41:04,040 Really? 438 00:41:04,523 --> 00:41:05,354 Really. 439 00:41:08,523 --> 00:41:13,119 Great. Great. We need you. 440 00:41:14,522 --> 00:41:18,198 Rory's showing signs of early dementia. That would be great. 441 00:41:35,721 --> 00:41:37,360 Welcome to the family. 442 00:41:37,401 --> 00:41:38,994 Thanks. Thanks so much. 443 00:41:39,561 --> 00:41:42,240 Please excuse Doctor Klinsch, she does have... 444 00:41:42,241 --> 00:41:45,552 ...a tendency to pee her pants when we sign a new author. 445 00:41:45,601 --> 00:41:46,955 That was just the one time. 446 00:41:47,361 --> 00:41:50,200 Okay. Klinsch & McLeish. I can't quite believe it. 447 00:41:50,201 --> 00:41:54,200 I'm going to be published in one of those classic red and white covers. 448 00:41:54,201 --> 00:41:58,080 It's obviously it's not just about the covers but they're so pretty. 449 00:41:58,081 --> 00:42:01,391 Your list is amazing too. I mean, you publish Glen Buchan. 450 00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:03,394 Ah Glen. Fabulous writer. 451 00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:05,740 And you know that you have something in common. 452 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:11,592 Really? No. What? You think so? God, he's up there with Rushdie and McEwan. 453 00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:15,799 Quite possibly. No, what I meant was that you... 454 00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:18,200 ...were both discovered by your former publisher. 455 00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:19,271 Tom? 456 00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:22,158 Yes, it didn't last. They went their separate ways... 457 00:42:22,159 --> 00:42:24,674 ...before the first novel was published. By us. 458 00:42:25,719 --> 00:42:27,233 Well, yeah. Sounds like Tom. 459 00:42:27,559 --> 00:42:30,552 Anyway, enough of the past. Here's to the future. 460 00:42:40,439 --> 00:42:41,236 It's exciting. 461 00:42:51,478 --> 00:42:53,117 Blocked in this too, eh? 462 00:43:02,358 --> 00:43:06,408 I'm so sorry. Would you just excuse us, me, for one second? Where's your bathroom? 463 00:43:09,757 --> 00:43:10,873 Okay, what are you doing here? 464 00:43:10,957 --> 00:43:12,907 Well, I've figured out what's going on. 465 00:43:14,437 --> 00:43:16,756 You can't write the ending because once it's finished... 466 00:43:16,757 --> 00:43:19,057 ...you'll have no reason to see Tom ever again. 467 00:43:21,477 --> 00:43:24,276 Oh that is such a load of rubbish. 468 00:43:25,157 --> 00:43:27,911 Jane dear? Is everything alright? 469 00:43:27,957 --> 00:43:30,357 Err yes. Yes, fine. I'll just be out in a minute. 470 00:43:34,236 --> 00:43:38,555 In case you haven't noticed, I'm about to leave Tom and sign with a new publisher. 471 00:43:38,556 --> 00:43:40,195 Oh, and one more minor detail... 472 00:43:40,196 --> 00:43:43,473 I'm not writing my ending. I'm writing yours. And I'm not you. 473 00:43:43,676 --> 00:43:45,835 No, of course not. And your first novel wasn't a barely... 474 00:43:45,836 --> 00:43:48,146 ...fictionalised account of your relationship with your father. 475 00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:52,028 Oh, and remind me, what's your middle name again? Jane Darsie Lockhart. 476 00:43:52,156 --> 00:43:53,555 Well that means nothing. And anyway... 477 00:43:53,556 --> 00:43:56,156 ...I was thinking of changing your name, so you can.. 478 00:44:00,555 --> 00:44:01,386 Still here. 479 00:44:06,355 --> 00:44:07,471 Sorry. I'm so sorry. 480 00:44:08,635 --> 00:44:12,265 Now then young lady. Ready to go with a real publisher? 481 00:44:24,154 --> 00:44:27,104 Let me get this straight. You only take on writers you love? 482 00:44:27,194 --> 00:44:28,787 Writing I love. 483 00:44:29,434 --> 00:44:30,629 How interesting. 484 00:44:31,194 --> 00:44:35,507 No, no it isn't. Can we get back to making Jane miserable? 485 00:44:36,834 --> 00:44:38,507 Fine. If that's what you really want. 486 00:44:38,554 --> 00:44:41,254 Have you thought about what will happen if you succeed? 487 00:44:43,233 --> 00:44:46,271 Yes. I win. 488 00:44:46,993 --> 00:44:48,950 Yes. But you'll lose her. 489 00:44:50,073 --> 00:44:52,952 Who cares? It's not as if she wants to stay. 490 00:44:59,153 --> 00:45:03,431 Motivation. The heart of self-improvement. A. Achieve your dreams. 491 00:45:03,432 --> 00:45:06,111 Avoid negative people, things and places. 492 00:45:06,112 --> 00:45:11,790 B. Believe in yourself. What you can do. C. Consider things on every angle and aspect... 493 00:45:13,152 --> 00:45:15,064 One of us really needs to get laid. 494 00:45:15,712 --> 00:45:16,987 Oh God yes. 495 00:45:19,272 --> 00:45:22,504 We should, next week. There's a girl at the chippy. 496 00:45:24,872 --> 00:45:28,190 Q. Quitters never win. And winners never quit. 497 00:45:28,191 --> 00:45:33,107 So choose your fate. Are you going to be a quitter or a winner? R... 498 00:45:33,871 --> 00:45:36,989 Okay. Here's a thought. We could kill her dog. 499 00:45:37,191 --> 00:45:38,181 I didn't know she had a dog. 500 00:45:38,231 --> 00:45:41,190 She doesn't. We could buy her one and then kill it. 501 00:45:42,831 --> 00:45:44,345 It wouldn't be a cute dog. 502 00:45:44,591 --> 00:45:47,743 And you don't think that's a little bit, how can I put this, psychotic? 503 00:45:48,071 --> 00:45:50,630 Yeah, you're right. She hasn't got a dog. 504 00:45:53,470 --> 00:45:55,462 But she has got a screenwriter. 505 00:45:56,070 --> 00:46:00,064 I'm not helping you kill Willie Scott, am I? Tom? 506 00:46:18,749 --> 00:46:20,945 Damn it. She's still baking. 507 00:46:22,829 --> 00:46:24,627 Back, you cupcakes of Satan. 508 00:46:26,069 --> 00:46:27,583 Okay. Here goes. 509 00:46:40,748 --> 00:46:41,943 I hate these things. 510 00:46:43,548 --> 00:46:46,248 Yeah, I prefer the Routemaster Two Six Seven Oh myself. 511 00:46:50,188 --> 00:46:52,100 It's a bus joke. Sorry. 512 00:46:55,828 --> 00:46:59,706 No, no. I get it. It's just I've never really... 513 00:46:59,707 --> 00:47:03,462 ...met anyone else who made a bus joke before. 514 00:47:10,787 --> 00:47:11,664 Hello Jane. 515 00:47:12,667 --> 00:47:13,867 Hello. What do you want? 516 00:47:14,467 --> 00:47:20,065 I'll tell you what I don't want. I don't want a cupcake. 517 00:47:20,467 --> 00:47:23,185 So. Two writers living under the same roof... 518 00:47:23,186 --> 00:47:26,345 ...how's that working out? I imagine it's fantastic: 519 00:47:26,346 --> 00:47:31,296 ...Sharing ideas, the ebb and flow of discussion. Willie must be a great boon. 520 00:47:31,346 --> 00:47:32,496 Oh yes. Yes, he is. 521 00:47:32,786 --> 00:47:35,086 So what does the Big Man make of the new novel? 522 00:47:37,306 --> 00:47:40,106 You're right. It's not fair to ask you. I should ask him. 523 00:47:40,386 --> 00:47:44,221 No, no, no. He loves it. He just loves it. Naturally he has notes... 524 00:47:44,466 --> 00:47:45,342 Naturally. 525 00:47:49,065 --> 00:47:52,422 Willie has not asked to read one single page, has he? 526 00:47:52,665 --> 00:47:54,497 He's very busy with his screenplay. 527 00:47:54,625 --> 00:47:57,015 Ah yes, the adaptation. How's that going? 528 00:47:57,065 --> 00:47:59,455 Terrific. Oh it's going terrific... Iy. 529 00:48:01,985 --> 00:48:07,219 You don't know, do you? He doesn't discuss it with you. 530 00:48:08,624 --> 00:48:09,421 What's your point? 531 00:48:09,464 --> 00:48:10,341 He's using you. 532 00:48:11,584 --> 00:48:13,034 That's rich, coming from you. 533 00:48:13,824 --> 00:48:16,423 Come on, it's common knowledge he wouldn't be... 534 00:48:16,424 --> 00:48:19,183 ...adapting 'Happy Ending' if you hadn't insisted. 535 00:48:19,184 --> 00:48:22,423 Willie Scott's writing career peaked sometime around 1998. 536 00:48:22,424 --> 00:48:23,863 He's a talentless hack... 537 00:48:23,864 --> 00:48:25,743 ...without a brain or a conscious... 538 00:48:25,744 --> 00:48:28,543 ...who doesn't give a damn about your or your novel! 539 00:48:31,503 --> 00:48:32,698 - Yeah. - Behind you. 540 00:48:37,303 --> 00:48:38,180 Hey. 541 00:48:38,823 --> 00:48:39,700 Willie! 542 00:49:03,822 --> 00:49:04,772 Is that fruit cake? 543 00:49:04,902 --> 00:49:09,977 Oh, yes. It's frozen. I brought a couple of spares. It's for your nose. 544 00:49:11,702 --> 00:49:14,661 Look, I'm sorry about Willie. He shouldn't have hit you. 545 00:49:14,662 --> 00:49:16,301 Even though you did deserve it. 546 00:49:18,741 --> 00:49:20,300 He caught me off guard. 547 00:49:20,301 --> 00:49:23,499 Usually I don't go down after the first punch. 548 00:49:24,021 --> 00:49:26,741 Usually it's about the third or fourth. 549 00:49:28,741 --> 00:49:29,691 How did I get here? 550 00:49:30,541 --> 00:49:31,741 I made Willie carry you. 551 00:49:33,461 --> 00:49:34,577 No you didn't. 552 00:49:34,941 --> 00:49:35,818 What's wrong now? 553 00:49:35,901 --> 00:49:39,815 It's not very manly, being carried upstairs by another bloke. 554 00:49:41,980 --> 00:49:43,330 He's not still here, is he? 555 00:49:43,460 --> 00:49:45,260 No, I sent him outside to calm down. 556 00:49:53,420 --> 00:49:57,334 Look, Jane. There's something I need to tell you. 557 00:49:58,900 --> 00:50:00,550 Something I've never said before. 558 00:50:04,699 --> 00:50:06,656 What's the capital of Ethiopia? 559 00:50:19,699 --> 00:50:21,850 We're in the finals, actually. 560 00:50:23,979 --> 00:50:24,856 So that was it. 561 00:50:27,098 --> 00:50:28,598 That's what you needed to say? 562 00:50:30,418 --> 00:50:34,412 No. No, no. 563 00:50:41,098 --> 00:50:42,930 I... What I meant to say is... 564 00:50:44,178 --> 00:50:45,009 'Happy Ending'. 565 00:50:47,338 --> 00:50:52,093 At the end, when things became... you know... with us. 566 00:50:56,697 --> 00:50:57,497 And the title... 567 00:51:02,457 --> 00:51:06,417 I never told you... the book. 568 00:51:10,297 --> 00:51:11,128 It's good. 569 00:51:14,936 --> 00:51:17,136 It's like the saddest music I've ever heard. 570 00:51:23,736 --> 00:51:26,615 What the hell was that? What are you up to? 571 00:51:26,856 --> 00:51:27,653 I'm not up to anything. 572 00:51:27,696 --> 00:51:30,655 Yes you are. All this 'sad music' crap, and filling my head... 573 00:51:30,656 --> 00:51:33,906 ...with doubts about Willie. Why would you do that, why? Unless... 574 00:51:35,655 --> 00:51:39,365 Unless... Oh, I know why. 575 00:51:40,495 --> 00:51:43,055 You want me to sign a new book deal with you. 576 00:51:43,255 --> 00:51:47,134 Well, if you can hear me through the obvious concussion, pay attention. 577 00:51:47,135 --> 00:51:48,888 It is. Never. Going. To. Happen. 578 00:51:49,095 --> 00:51:50,095 I have a concussion? 579 00:51:50,255 --> 00:51:51,814 Oh get off. Get off this bus. 580 00:51:55,735 --> 00:51:56,612 You know what? 581 00:51:58,095 --> 00:52:02,850 You really think I'd want you back? Why? Why would I do that to myself? 582 00:52:05,534 --> 00:52:07,053 You're distant at the best of times. 583 00:52:07,054 --> 00:52:10,654 And when you're writing your characters were more real to you than I was. 584 00:52:18,614 --> 00:52:24,613 So, no, Jane. I do not want you back. I do not want you back. 585 00:52:35,893 --> 00:52:38,362 So, how's the screenplay coming along? 586 00:52:39,253 --> 00:52:40,084 Hmm? 587 00:52:40,333 --> 00:52:45,411 Your screenplay? I was just thinking we haven't really discussed it much... 588 00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:50,491 ...at all... and since, well, I wrote the novel, maybe I could, you know... 589 00:52:50,492 --> 00:52:53,803 What I mean is, we should have more ebb and flow. 590 00:52:54,732 --> 00:52:55,832 That's not a bad idea. 591 00:52:56,572 --> 00:52:58,531 You know the scene in the book where her father... 592 00:52:58,532 --> 00:53:01,047 ...goes on a bender and doesn't turn up for the mother's funeral? 593 00:53:01,492 --> 00:53:04,371 Yes. I remember. 594 00:53:04,812 --> 00:53:05,712 Would you miss it? 595 00:53:08,651 --> 00:53:10,768 What? What? You can't... 596 00:53:12,731 --> 00:53:14,962 Willie, I think we need to talk this through. 597 00:53:15,011 --> 00:53:15,967 I know what this is about, Janey. 598 00:53:16,491 --> 00:53:19,086 You haven't written a word in two weeks. 599 00:53:19,531 --> 00:53:23,047 So you want to talk, instead of dealing with your blockage. 600 00:53:23,331 --> 00:53:24,811 How many times? I am not blocked. 601 00:53:24,851 --> 00:53:29,930 There was this writer I knew, got stuck on a 'Long Lost Sibling' story arc. 602 00:53:29,931 --> 00:53:34,049 Thought it was going to end his career but... but he beat it. 603 00:53:35,050 --> 00:53:35,927 Do you know how? 604 00:53:36,530 --> 00:53:37,361 How? 605 00:53:40,650 --> 00:53:42,050 He wrote naked. 606 00:53:43,890 --> 00:53:45,722 Yeah. Yeah, right. 607 00:53:45,930 --> 00:53:46,886 Seriously. 608 00:53:47,530 --> 00:53:50,329 The idea is you release yourself from the restrictions... 609 00:53:50,330 --> 00:53:54,209 ...of the everyday so that you can express your ideas in an uninhibited fashion. 610 00:53:54,249 --> 00:53:57,208 Oh, okay. I think you just want to be able to sit there... 611 00:53:57,209 --> 00:53:59,246 ...and write while you stare at my tits. 612 00:54:00,729 --> 00:54:02,163 They are great tits. 613 00:54:20,968 --> 00:54:22,243 It's not a weapon, Jade. 614 00:54:25,368 --> 00:54:27,018 There's some blood on this stick. 615 00:54:41,847 --> 00:54:42,644 Tom. 616 00:54:49,207 --> 00:54:51,157 I've got some business to take care of. 617 00:55:07,326 --> 00:55:09,165 I want it on record that this is going too far, okay? 618 00:55:09,166 --> 00:55:11,442 She's only just started rebuilding her relationship with her dad. 619 00:55:11,526 --> 00:55:14,445 I'm just trying to help her finish her book. 620 00:55:14,446 --> 00:55:17,085 And she'll thank me in the end. 621 00:55:17,086 --> 00:55:19,806 First we get rid of Willie, then we work on papa. 622 00:55:20,286 --> 00:55:25,525 So Mr Scott, Willie, our senior development executive has been looking for a... 623 00:55:25,526 --> 00:55:29,164 ...a very special screenwriter with a distinctive voice... 624 00:55:29,165 --> 00:55:32,442 ...for a project which she has slated for next year. 625 00:55:33,925 --> 00:55:34,802 Yeah? 626 00:55:35,325 --> 00:55:38,644 When she heard you were adapting Jane Lockhart's 627 00:55:38,645 --> 00:55:42,275 'Happy Ending', she was excited. We were all excited. 628 00:55:43,525 --> 00:55:47,405 What company is this again? I mean have you spoken to my agent or...? 629 00:55:47,645 --> 00:55:49,875 Yeah. Thank you Priscilla. You too. Ciao, ciao, ciao. 630 00:55:50,244 --> 00:55:52,520 Sure. She put us right on to you. 631 00:55:54,444 --> 00:55:57,198 But if you're too busy right now, perhaps we should just leave it? 632 00:55:57,284 --> 00:56:00,038 Oh no, no no. No. 633 00:56:00,644 --> 00:56:02,442 No, no, I'm excited. It's... 634 00:56:03,644 --> 00:56:07,718 ...You know it's not just adaptations that I do. I have my own material you know. 635 00:56:07,764 --> 00:56:09,960 Terrific. Well... 636 00:56:10,524 --> 00:56:16,523 ...you can share all that with our senior VP Bob... 637 00:56:16,683 --> 00:56:20,882 ...and our head of deputy acquisitions Vonda who... 638 00:56:20,923 --> 00:56:24,373 They're going to be over there next Friday. You live in London, right? 639 00:56:24,763 --> 00:56:29,280 Well, err.. mainly. But you know I've got my place upcountry too you know, obviously. 640 00:56:29,883 --> 00:56:34,202 Well apologies, but it may involve dragging you out to the middle of nowhere... 641 00:56:34,203 --> 00:56:36,433 ...but we're scouting Steven's next pic. 642 00:56:37,122 --> 00:56:39,034 Steven? Segal? 643 00:56:39,682 --> 00:56:43,039 Soderbergh. He'll probably drop by to say hi if that's okay? 644 00:56:43,682 --> 00:56:45,594 Aye, that would be fine. 645 00:56:51,922 --> 00:56:52,719 Taxi's here. 646 00:56:53,202 --> 00:56:54,102 Where's my ticket? 647 00:56:54,642 --> 00:56:56,395 It's in your bag where you put it two minutes ago. 648 00:56:56,882 --> 00:56:58,840 Jane, this is an important trip for me. 649 00:56:58,841 --> 00:57:01,000 These people are working with Soderbergh. 650 00:57:01,001 --> 00:57:03,232 They called me and that just never happens. 651 00:57:04,281 --> 00:57:06,318 You're right. It doesn't. 652 00:57:07,801 --> 00:57:09,201 And it's all because of you. 653 00:57:10,401 --> 00:57:14,600 The truth is, they would never have asked to see me if I hadn't been adapting your novel. 654 00:57:14,641 --> 00:57:17,041 Oh, that is rubbish. Look, you're a great writer. 655 00:57:18,201 --> 00:57:19,681 Yeah, you're right. 656 00:57:20,681 --> 00:57:21,671 Where's my treatments? Did you tidy them? 657 00:57:21,761 --> 00:57:23,114 Willie. Breathe. 658 00:57:29,880 --> 00:57:30,680 How you feeling? 659 00:57:31,040 --> 00:57:31,837 Good. 660 00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:33,559 Sharp? 661 00:57:33,560 --> 00:57:34,357 Sharp, aye. 662 00:57:35,400 --> 00:57:36,231 Gordon? 663 00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:39,559 I'm prime., yeah. Mind you, I'm a bit worried because... 664 00:57:39,560 --> 00:57:41,836 ...we don't know what he's going to ask us. 665 00:57:43,320 --> 00:57:44,959 It's a quiz. It's a quiz Gordon. 666 00:57:45,039 --> 00:57:45,916 Oh right. 667 00:57:47,879 --> 00:57:48,756 Mr L? 668 00:57:49,679 --> 00:57:51,830 Tom. Good to see you mate. 669 00:57:53,679 --> 00:57:54,556 Big night, eh? 670 00:57:55,319 --> 00:57:57,598 Big night. Big night, aye. This is the final. 671 00:57:57,599 --> 00:58:01,036 The winner gets a holiday in America. And two tickets to Disneyland. 672 00:58:01,319 --> 00:58:03,470 Wow, that's wonderful. Good luck with that. 673 00:58:03,879 --> 00:58:08,957 Thanks Tom. Thanks. Listen, I know that Jane and you haven't always seen eye-to-eye... 674 00:58:08,958 --> 00:58:12,269 ...but I'm sure she'll be really happy to see you again. 675 00:58:13,438 --> 00:58:14,235 Where is she? 676 00:58:14,278 --> 00:58:17,228 Oh she's not here yet. But the quiz doesn't start til eight. 677 00:58:17,918 --> 00:58:20,717 Oh, well, plenty of time then. 678 00:58:20,878 --> 00:58:21,928 Oh, plenty of time... 679 00:58:31,397 --> 00:58:35,073 That was quick. I wasn't expecting you for another ten minutes. 680 00:58:35,317 --> 00:58:38,116 Oh I was just around the corner. Where you going? 681 00:58:38,797 --> 00:58:40,497 East End please. The Walter Scott. 682 00:58:40,637 --> 00:58:41,468 No problem. 683 00:58:47,797 --> 00:58:48,697 What do you think? 684 00:58:48,957 --> 00:58:49,754 Lovely. 685 00:58:50,597 --> 00:58:52,047 Me and the lads discussed it. 686 00:58:52,517 --> 00:58:54,117 We're going to make her captain. 687 00:58:54,316 --> 00:59:00,316 When she was a little girl, every penny her mother gave her she put in the piggy bank. 688 00:59:00,556 --> 00:59:06,115 Saving up, you know, to go to Disneyland. Every birthday it was Mickey Mouse... 689 00:59:06,116 --> 00:59:10,875 ...Mickey Mouse, Disneyland, Mickey Mouse, you know. Every birthday. 690 00:59:10,876 --> 00:59:13,471 Well... until the seventh birthday. 691 00:59:19,515 --> 00:59:24,351 Her mother took her to Woolworths for her present, a gift. 692 00:59:24,555 --> 00:59:27,548 And, well they were late getting back. 693 00:59:28,995 --> 00:59:33,512 I lost it, Tom, you know. I was... 'I want my dinner on the table' and... 694 00:59:38,355 --> 00:59:42,428 That was the night I walked out on them. 695 00:59:45,394 --> 00:59:47,844 If only that was the worst thing I did that night. 696 00:59:51,794 --> 00:59:53,294 Excuse me. Where are we going? 697 00:59:54,874 --> 00:59:55,724 The Rabbie Burns. 698 00:59:56,034 --> 00:59:57,234 I said The Walter Scott. 699 00:59:58,714 --> 00:59:59,591 You sure? 700 00:59:59,754 --> 01:00:01,029 Of course I'm sure. 701 01:00:01,194 --> 01:00:02,787 Hey. There's no need for that. 702 01:00:02,834 --> 01:00:06,992 They're both iconic pillars of our national literature, arguably responsible... 703 01:00:06,993 --> 01:00:09,752 ...for the over-romanticisation of Scottish history... 704 01:00:09,753 --> 01:00:12,313 ...that persists to this day. Easy mistake to make. 705 01:00:12,513 --> 01:00:15,426 Alright, please. Just please hurry. Please. 706 01:00:18,993 --> 01:00:20,792 Hello it's Benny Lockhart here. 707 01:00:20,793 --> 01:00:24,992 If you leave a message then I'll get back to you soon. Okey-dokes. Bye. 708 01:00:29,792 --> 01:00:31,592 Do you know why they were late back? 709 01:00:34,592 --> 01:00:35,423 Yeah. 710 01:00:36,072 --> 01:00:38,872 Yeah of course you do because it's in the book, isn't it? 711 01:00:42,552 --> 01:00:44,623 Her mother dropped dead in Woolworths. 712 01:00:47,232 --> 01:00:51,590 Her mother was lying dead in the Pick And Mix aisle and her... 713 01:00:51,591 --> 01:00:55,426 ...daddy was spending her Mickey Mouse money on booze. 714 01:01:00,831 --> 01:01:04,620 I swore I would never touch another drop after that. Not a drop. 715 01:01:12,031 --> 01:01:13,831 You look familiar. You on the telly? 716 01:01:14,910 --> 01:01:17,345 Err no. I've done a few interviews but... 717 01:01:17,630 --> 01:01:21,306 You're that writer, Jane something. My wife read your book. 718 01:01:21,630 --> 01:01:22,427 Oh yeah? 719 01:01:22,470 --> 01:01:23,347 Aye, what's it called again? 720 01:01:23,630 --> 01:01:24,469 'Happy Ending'. 721 01:01:24,470 --> 01:01:27,029 'Happy Ending', aye. She was greeting her eyes out by the end. 722 01:01:27,030 --> 01:01:28,680 And you wrote it? That's amazing. 723 01:01:30,110 --> 01:01:32,010 God you must be a right miserable cow. 724 01:01:34,710 --> 01:01:35,760 Do I know you from... 725 01:01:39,269 --> 01:01:40,069 I'm out of fags. 726 01:01:41,589 --> 01:01:44,309 What? Hey, no. Come back! We need to get to the... 727 01:01:45,749 --> 01:01:46,546 Pub. 728 01:01:51,909 --> 01:01:52,706 Hey! 729 01:01:59,388 --> 01:02:00,538 Years later... 730 01:02:02,308 --> 01:02:07,178 ...I discovered that the police brought her back. Two minutes after I'd left home. 731 01:02:09,588 --> 01:02:10,465 Two minutes, Tom. 732 01:02:12,308 --> 01:02:17,667 You know, I realise that I can never make it up to that little girl. 733 01:02:17,708 --> 01:02:20,701 That seven year-old Jane. 734 01:02:22,907 --> 01:02:27,140 Can't do it. But if we win tonight, Tom... 735 01:02:29,467 --> 01:02:33,546 If we win tonight, I'm going to take her to Disneyland. 736 01:02:33,547 --> 01:02:39,066 Aye, I don't mean the shite one in Paris. The real Disneyland. No offence. 737 01:02:40,747 --> 01:02:41,578 None taken. 738 01:02:43,107 --> 01:02:47,703 Gentlemen, ladies, can you please take your places for the quiz final. 739 01:02:50,066 --> 01:02:51,616 She'll be here. She'll be here. 740 01:02:53,106 --> 01:02:55,306 Nothing's going to happen. Not again. No. No. 741 01:02:59,266 --> 01:03:00,382 Help! Help! 742 01:03:10,505 --> 01:03:12,622 You know what? I'll see you in a second. 743 01:03:18,345 --> 01:03:19,144 Tom. 744 01:03:19,145 --> 01:03:22,377 Roddy. Call it off. Call it off. Bring her here immediately. 745 01:03:22,985 --> 01:03:26,661 She's gone. We've lost her. 746 01:03:28,585 --> 01:03:29,416 In Cambuslang. 747 01:03:55,023 --> 01:03:55,820 Sorry! 748 01:04:08,023 --> 01:04:13,542 Captains, last call. Can you please bring your team lists to the adjudicator's table. 749 01:04:18,822 --> 01:04:19,653 Benny... 750 01:04:20,142 --> 01:04:22,418 If I don't get your list you'll forfeit your place. 751 01:04:22,502 --> 01:04:23,379 Benny, come on. 752 01:04:23,622 --> 01:04:24,817 Come on Benny. 753 01:04:25,022 --> 01:04:26,172 Two more minutes, lads. 754 01:04:42,221 --> 01:04:46,056 Benny... I'm.. I'm sorry. 755 01:04:46,381 --> 01:04:49,340 It's okay, son. It's not your fault. 756 01:04:49,501 --> 01:04:50,491 Well, actually... 757 01:04:50,581 --> 01:04:53,176 Right, okay. That's enough. Let's get on with this. 758 01:04:54,181 --> 01:04:56,776 Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the grand final... 759 01:05:03,700 --> 01:05:04,577 Dad. 760 01:05:06,020 --> 01:05:06,817 Dad. 761 01:05:10,820 --> 01:05:16,498 Question one... Who was William Shakespeare's wife? 762 01:05:19,420 --> 01:05:23,414 The indisputable winners... Benny and his Jets! 763 01:05:31,739 --> 01:05:33,412 Whooah! 764 01:05:58,498 --> 01:06:00,171 Fact is... 765 01:06:01,618 --> 01:06:06,693 ...we're not dog-killers. What's the worst thing we actually achieved? 766 01:06:07,738 --> 01:06:12,971 Kidnapping a pot plant. 767 01:06:13,017 --> 01:06:19,017 There's our fatal flaw. At heart, we're nice guys. 768 01:06:25,457 --> 01:06:27,107 I'm going to tell her everything. 769 01:06:37,816 --> 01:06:40,566 I will not do nudity unless it is essential to the plot. 770 01:06:53,776 --> 01:06:55,005 Oh, you must be joking. 771 01:06:55,696 --> 01:06:56,527 Jane? 772 01:06:59,575 --> 01:07:00,452 Just go away. 773 01:07:00,855 --> 01:07:03,415 I've got to talk to you. Please open the door. 774 01:07:06,895 --> 01:07:07,745 Hold on a minute. 775 01:07:10,415 --> 01:07:11,292 Willie? 776 01:07:11,335 --> 01:07:13,614 You need to hear about our great deal on home insurance. 777 01:07:13,615 --> 01:07:15,374 - Have you ever thought about what would... - Jane? Your meringues, Jane. 778 01:07:15,375 --> 01:07:17,571 ...happen if your house caught fire? 779 01:07:17,815 --> 01:07:18,646 Shit. 780 01:07:20,175 --> 01:07:21,211 Jane! You okay? 781 01:07:25,214 --> 01:07:26,204 Shit. Shit. Shit. 782 01:07:26,974 --> 01:07:27,805 Shit! 783 01:07:32,134 --> 01:07:32,931 Shit. 784 01:07:39,734 --> 01:07:40,531 I... 785 01:07:40,894 --> 01:07:41,725 Stop looking! 786 01:07:48,173 --> 01:07:50,223 What the hell are you doing here, anyway? 787 01:07:50,613 --> 01:07:52,684 I came to apolo... Whoah. 788 01:07:55,893 --> 01:07:56,743 Is that my novel? 789 01:08:00,373 --> 01:08:02,763 No, no, no. Give that back. Give it back! 790 01:08:04,413 --> 01:08:06,813 I paid good money for this. I'm going to read it. 791 01:08:06,853 --> 01:08:09,353 You don't get to read anything until it's finished. 792 01:08:12,012 --> 01:08:12,843 Okay. 793 01:08:15,212 --> 01:08:16,089 Here. 794 01:08:18,012 --> 01:08:19,241 Thank you. 795 01:08:20,012 --> 01:08:22,004 Good to know you can behave like a grown-up once in a... 796 01:08:22,292 --> 01:08:23,772 Where's the rest of it? 797 01:08:25,012 --> 01:08:30,212 Hey, come out of there! You thieving bastard! Give me back my novel! 798 01:08:42,251 --> 01:08:47,007 How could you do that? I can't believe you. Even you. 799 01:08:50,091 --> 01:08:51,191 So what did you think? 800 01:08:52,211 --> 01:08:55,282 It's merely the first couple of chapters so who can say? 801 01:08:56,650 --> 01:08:57,800 However... 802 01:08:58,770 --> 01:09:01,649 ...putting to one side that you're a whining... 803 01:09:01,650 --> 01:09:05,200 ...overpaid author who clearly got lucky with her debut... 804 01:09:07,050 --> 01:09:08,928 ...I'd say this is a very good start. 805 01:09:10,570 --> 01:09:11,890 Well... 806 01:09:12,970 --> 01:09:16,920 ...coming from a never-even-has-been owner of a third-rate publishing company... 807 01:09:17,969 --> 01:09:19,419 ...I'd have to say thank you. 808 01:09:21,609 --> 01:09:23,202 Naturally... 809 01:09:24,769 --> 01:09:26,044 ...I have a few notes. 810 01:09:27,209 --> 01:09:28,040 Naturally. 811 01:09:33,449 --> 01:09:34,326 For instance... 812 01:09:40,608 --> 01:09:41,564 The first page... 813 01:09:41,768 --> 01:09:42,645 I don't get it. 814 01:10:35,326 --> 01:10:36,926 I'm just going to get the phone. 815 01:10:39,326 --> 01:10:40,965 - Willie? - Hi Janey. 816 01:10:41,046 --> 01:10:43,845 Hi. How's the trip going? Did you meet Soderbergh? 817 01:10:44,966 --> 01:10:46,016 There was no meeting. 818 01:10:46,326 --> 01:10:49,444 I've been stuck in the arse end of nowhere... 819 01:10:49,486 --> 01:10:52,644 ...couldn't get a cab, I've been walking for nine hours in the rain, my phone died... 820 01:10:52,645 --> 01:10:54,445 ...I've only just now found a phone. 821 01:10:54,565 --> 01:10:55,396 Oh Willie. 822 01:10:55,565 --> 01:10:57,955 I'm cold and wet and feeling so... 823 01:10:59,085 --> 01:11:00,360 ...so miserable. 824 01:11:00,685 --> 01:11:04,838 You know, the funny things is, even though the trip turned out so badly... 825 01:11:06,285 --> 01:11:12,285 You know, it made me realise a few things. I miss you, Janey. 826 01:11:14,764 --> 01:11:16,714 You're the best thing in my life and... 827 01:11:20,084 --> 01:11:20,915 I love you. 828 01:11:22,564 --> 01:11:24,840 Janey, let's get married. 829 01:12:11,002 --> 01:12:11,799 There we go. 830 01:12:19,522 --> 01:12:20,399 He's sick. 831 01:12:20,442 --> 01:12:22,492 Oh come on, he's just taking the piss now. 832 01:12:23,841 --> 01:12:26,515 He said he loves me. You heard him. 833 01:12:27,521 --> 01:12:30,371 Actually I didn't. Maybe it was in your vivid imagination. 834 01:12:31,281 --> 01:12:34,877 And I love Willie too. He makes me... happy. 835 01:12:35,961 --> 01:12:37,998 Any chance of that cup of tea, doll? 836 01:12:41,281 --> 01:12:42,351 He's a sweetheart. 837 01:13:05,480 --> 01:13:08,870 Priscilla? Listen, sweetheart... 838 01:13:08,919 --> 01:13:10,069 ...get out the big pen. 839 01:13:10,839 --> 01:13:16,073 Time to bill the bastards for my first draft. I just finished the script. 840 01:13:23,759 --> 01:13:25,830 A lifetime with Willie Scott. 841 01:13:27,839 --> 01:13:30,798 If that doesn't make her miserable, nothing will. 842 01:13:31,319 --> 01:13:34,516 Look, I know things haven't worked out for the two of you but... 843 01:13:35,638 --> 01:13:40,952 Surely you don't really actually totally completely want her to be unhappy? 844 01:13:40,998 --> 01:13:43,317 Of course I don't. I mean... 845 01:13:43,318 --> 01:13:47,028 ...Oh tu comprends pas.. It's tricky, okay? 846 01:13:47,278 --> 01:13:48,109 Whatever. 847 01:14:05,437 --> 01:14:11,274 ...which is why Shakespeare never left New York again. 848 01:14:13,197 --> 01:14:18,396 Okay, chapter twenty-one. Read it or... 849 01:14:19,396 --> 01:14:21,513 ...be punished. Yo. 850 01:14:21,636 --> 01:14:23,548 He's only gone and changed the ending. 851 01:14:23,996 --> 01:14:28,146 Wow. All you did was to change the title and she thought you were a complete wanker. 852 01:14:28,156 --> 01:14:31,035 That's Juan Kerr. 853 01:14:31,396 --> 01:14:34,196 He was a nineteenth century South American revolutionary. 854 01:14:35,116 --> 01:14:36,766 This is going to break her heart. 855 01:14:36,956 --> 01:14:37,833 Yeah well great. 856 01:14:39,036 --> 01:14:42,636 Now all you've got to do is make sure she reads it. Mission accomplished. 857 01:14:42,955 --> 01:14:43,786 Yeah. 858 01:14:46,435 --> 01:14:47,985 You've given it a happy ending. 859 01:14:49,835 --> 01:14:50,632 And your point? 860 01:14:50,715 --> 01:14:52,965 The point is Jane's novel doesn't end happily. 861 01:14:53,035 --> 01:14:56,073 Well who the hell wants to walk out of a movie feeling miserable? 862 01:14:56,155 --> 01:14:57,271 You have to change it back. 863 01:14:57,315 --> 01:14:59,794 Oh I don't think so. That script says more about... 864 01:14:59,795 --> 01:15:02,345 ...my love for her than I could ever put into words. 865 01:15:02,435 --> 01:15:03,985 She doesn't know yet, does she? 866 01:15:06,834 --> 01:15:09,084 Do you have any idea what this will do to her? 867 01:15:09,674 --> 01:15:10,471 To both of you? 868 01:15:11,474 --> 01:15:14,433 I made a mistake and I can't take it back. 869 01:15:14,434 --> 01:15:16,949 But Willie, if you truly love her... 870 01:15:17,874 --> 01:15:18,671 Change it. 871 01:15:19,554 --> 01:15:20,604 What's going on here? 872 01:15:21,074 --> 01:15:22,394 You just don't get her, do you? 873 01:15:22,434 --> 01:15:23,948 Oh I get her all right. 874 01:15:25,114 --> 01:15:29,824 Every night I get her. Any way up I fancy. 875 01:15:34,473 --> 01:15:36,271 Hit a sick man, would you? 876 01:15:37,953 --> 01:15:38,784 Watch this. 877 01:15:48,873 --> 01:15:51,223 Remind me, does the bridge explode in the novel? 878 01:15:54,432 --> 01:15:56,185 Hi Janey, I'm home. 879 01:15:57,432 --> 01:15:59,230 Any chance of a wee cup of tea? 880 01:16:02,312 --> 01:16:03,632 Willie! 881 01:16:04,112 --> 01:16:07,212 I just don't understand how you can do this over a dumb ending. 882 01:16:07,432 --> 01:16:08,661 No. No, you don't. 883 01:16:08,712 --> 01:16:10,988 Well if it's any consolation Janey... 884 01:16:11,032 --> 01:16:12,466 ...I don't think you and me would have worked out anyway. 885 01:16:13,551 --> 01:16:17,591 I just don't get all that worshipping your pain stuff. 886 01:16:22,111 --> 01:16:23,067 Daddy issues. 887 01:18:06,307 --> 01:18:09,707 Tom, if she hasn't delivered you have to take Pandemic Media's offer. 888 01:18:09,986 --> 01:18:12,626 Mark my words, never going to happen. 889 01:18:13,506 --> 01:18:17,256 Well I'll have no option but to declare you bankrupt and call in a Receiver. 890 01:18:25,466 --> 01:18:27,503 You're my Relationship Manager, right? 891 01:18:27,786 --> 01:18:28,776 Yes. So? 892 01:18:29,746 --> 01:18:31,846 So what should I do about my relationship? 893 01:18:31,945 --> 01:18:33,664 Oh for God's sake. 894 01:18:36,905 --> 01:18:37,782 Do you love her? 895 01:18:38,745 --> 01:18:39,576 Tom? 896 01:18:55,144 --> 01:18:55,941 Jane. 897 01:18:56,024 --> 01:18:56,855 Hi. 898 01:18:57,144 --> 01:18:58,021 Tom's not here. 899 01:18:58,544 --> 01:19:00,820 He should be back any minute of you want to wait? 900 01:19:00,864 --> 01:19:02,617 No, I don't think so. 901 01:19:02,664 --> 01:19:04,514 I'm heading off for a bit of a break. 902 01:19:06,104 --> 01:19:09,541 I just came to drop this off. It's my new novel. I finished it. 903 01:19:11,064 --> 01:19:13,181 That's a relief. Between you and me your book's... 904 01:19:13,264 --> 01:19:15,814 ...the only thing stopping this place going tits up. 905 01:19:21,303 --> 01:19:22,603 So where shall I leave it? 906 01:19:24,863 --> 01:19:26,063 Just put it on his desk. 907 01:19:26,543 --> 01:19:27,420 Okay. 908 01:19:27,903 --> 01:19:28,700 Bye. 909 01:19:52,422 --> 01:19:53,253 Hold it. 910 01:19:53,662 --> 01:19:54,493 Jane. 911 01:19:55,902 --> 01:19:56,779 Jane! 912 01:19:58,782 --> 01:19:59,579 Bastard! 913 01:20:33,940 --> 01:20:37,411 Oh. Should I still be seeing you? I finished it. 914 01:21:01,219 --> 01:21:04,451 Leave me alone. All I want is to be alone! 915 01:21:55,097 --> 01:21:55,894 Jane. 916 01:21:57,017 --> 01:21:57,894 Jane! 917 01:22:04,336 --> 01:22:06,134 Listen, I know you're in there. 918 01:22:07,616 --> 01:22:10,166 And I know it sounds crazy but I was trying to help. 919 01:22:12,576 --> 01:22:16,729 Jane. Your dad's worried about you and so am I. 920 01:22:17,816 --> 01:22:19,266 He told me where to find you. 921 01:22:21,616 --> 01:22:24,847 All you care about is what my book can do for your damn company. 922 01:22:24,895 --> 01:22:26,395 Well, you got what you wanted. 923 01:22:53,214 --> 01:22:54,614 Jane, please, open the door. 924 01:22:58,654 --> 01:23:02,125 Jane, I'm not good at this countryside stuff. Alright? 925 01:23:05,454 --> 01:23:06,504 I think I saw a bear. 926 01:23:08,653 --> 01:23:09,530 Jane? 927 01:23:17,333 --> 01:23:18,164 I'm sorry. 928 01:23:42,132 --> 01:23:43,009 Thanks a lot. 929 01:23:48,732 --> 01:23:51,088 I deserve that. I'll just go, shall I? 930 01:23:53,372 --> 01:23:54,169 I'll go. 931 01:25:44,207 --> 01:25:47,405 It's eight miles to the nearest village. 932 01:25:47,687 --> 01:25:51,760 I don't expect to see you when I wake up. Goodnight. 933 01:26:00,646 --> 01:26:01,762 What the hell were you thinking?! 934 01:26:01,926 --> 01:26:02,757 About the plant? 935 01:26:02,846 --> 01:26:04,326 About me, you idiot! 936 01:26:07,086 --> 01:26:08,042 Here's the thing. 937 01:26:09,006 --> 01:26:11,056 You go to some dark places when you write. 938 01:26:12,766 --> 01:26:14,836 You bring out stuff most people prefer to keep locked up. 939 01:26:14,925 --> 01:26:16,439 So I thought that if I made you miserable... 940 01:26:16,485 --> 01:26:18,185 ...I'd be able to finish my novel. 941 01:26:18,205 --> 01:26:19,639 Well that's genius. 942 01:26:19,685 --> 01:26:20,482 Yeah well I was wrong. 943 01:26:20,525 --> 01:26:21,402 Of course you were wrong. 944 01:26:21,485 --> 01:26:24,985 You don't have to be miserable to write. You do it because you have to. 945 01:26:25,005 --> 01:26:28,055 Because it gnaws away at your insides if you try to ignore it. 946 01:26:28,805 --> 01:26:31,655 Because if you don't write then you might as well be dead. 947 01:26:32,805 --> 01:26:35,955 What do you mean, you were wrong? You got the novel, didn't you? 948 01:26:36,005 --> 01:26:37,836 In Tom and Roddy-world the plan was a roaring success. 949 01:26:37,924 --> 01:26:38,755 Not exactly. 950 01:26:40,324 --> 01:26:42,122 The last chapter. It doesn't work. 951 01:26:43,364 --> 01:26:44,434 It needs a rewrite. 952 01:26:47,324 --> 01:26:48,155 How much of it? 953 01:26:48,604 --> 01:26:49,401 All of it. 954 01:26:55,924 --> 01:26:56,755 You all right? 955 01:26:58,404 --> 01:27:01,202 No. I'm bloody not all right and I want my chocolate. 956 01:27:05,923 --> 01:27:09,633 Maybe it would help if we talked it through. 957 01:27:11,923 --> 01:27:12,873 What have I missed? 958 01:27:18,803 --> 01:27:23,081 I think the problem might be that you don't really get to choose your ending. 959 01:27:23,162 --> 01:27:27,236 It has to follow naturally from what comes before, or it doesn't feel true. 960 01:27:27,322 --> 01:27:28,233 Oh he's so insightful. 961 01:27:28,402 --> 01:27:29,802 I want to start with Darsie. 962 01:27:30,082 --> 01:27:30,913 Goody. 963 01:27:31,002 --> 01:27:31,799 I don't understand her. 964 01:27:31,922 --> 01:27:32,719 No kidding. 965 01:27:32,762 --> 01:27:36,915 I mean, why's she in love with a man who betrays her so utterly? 966 01:27:37,562 --> 01:27:38,862 He's emotionally crippled, 967 01:27:39,042 --> 01:27:41,602 has an uncomfortable tendency for mean-spiritedness... 968 01:27:41,682 --> 01:27:44,356 He has nice... hair. 969 01:27:50,881 --> 01:27:54,477 Okay, so yes, maybe there is an element of autobiography. 970 01:27:55,481 --> 01:27:56,801 Which means you're the reason I can't write. 971 01:27:56,841 --> 01:27:57,672 Me? 972 01:27:57,761 --> 01:28:00,861 At some point during the last few weeks it dawned on me that... 973 01:28:01,561 --> 01:28:03,473 ...when I finished this novel, we were finished too. 974 01:28:03,921 --> 01:28:07,278 And some insane part of me doesn't want that to happen. 975 01:28:10,040 --> 01:28:11,235 You're my block, Tom. 976 01:28:11,280 --> 01:28:12,794 But I want you to finish it. 977 01:28:13,000 --> 01:28:15,993 Yeah of course you want me to finish it, but for what? So you can turn a profit. 978 01:28:16,080 --> 01:28:16,991 I've sold it. 979 01:28:19,280 --> 01:28:20,111 What? 980 01:28:21,160 --> 01:28:22,355 I've sold the business. 981 01:28:22,920 --> 01:28:27,073 No, you can't have sold it. That stupid company is you. 982 01:28:29,400 --> 01:28:31,357 Get it back. You can't do this to me. 983 01:28:31,720 --> 01:28:34,770 I'm on the moral high ground here and I'm not getting off now. 984 01:28:38,359 --> 01:28:39,156 You sold it? 985 01:28:39,359 --> 01:28:40,270 Yeah. 986 01:28:47,079 --> 01:28:48,638 And you can take all the time you need... 987 01:28:48,759 --> 01:28:51,309 ...for the last chapter. I made it part of the deal. 988 01:28:53,199 --> 01:28:56,987 Tom. I didn't sign. 989 01:28:58,958 --> 01:29:00,870 With Klinsch and McLeish. I couldn't do it. 990 01:29:01,038 --> 01:29:02,995 Jane, I've spoken to my Relationship Manager... 991 01:29:03,078 --> 01:29:06,428 If I hear the words 'sad', 'beautiful' or 'music' you're a dead man. 992 01:29:07,038 --> 01:29:07,835 Apparently... 993 01:29:09,958 --> 01:29:10,755 I block you. 994 01:29:11,718 --> 01:29:12,834 And I block you too. 995 01:29:20,637 --> 01:29:22,993 What? What could possibly be more important? 996 01:29:24,317 --> 01:29:27,071 I know how it ends. I'm just going to get my laptop. 997 01:29:28,957 --> 01:29:29,834 I don't care. 998 01:29:38,997 --> 01:29:40,829 You are on fire. 999 01:29:41,076 --> 01:29:42,726 You're pretty hot yourself, baby. 1000 01:29:47,396 --> 01:29:52,994 Err, Tom? Tom, what are you doing? Tom? Oh my God. Tom! 1001 01:29:59,356 --> 01:30:00,233 Tom? 1002 01:30:01,556 --> 01:30:02,353 Tom! 1003 01:30:08,515 --> 01:30:12,304 Why is it that the saddest endings always seem the truest? 1004 01:30:12,955 --> 01:30:16,073 In the stories I told myself I was always the heroine... 1005 01:30:16,155 --> 01:30:18,226 ...always reaching for my happy ending. 1006 01:30:22,315 --> 01:30:23,715 It didn't turn out that way. 1007 01:30:25,115 --> 01:30:27,565 I won't get to spend the rest of my life with him. 1008 01:30:29,114 --> 01:30:33,154 But I was loved. And that's enough. 1009 01:30:45,754 --> 01:30:46,949 Ladies and gentlemen... 1010 01:30:47,834 --> 01:30:51,509 Jane Lockhart will now be signing copies of her chart-topping new novel... 1011 01:30:52,513 --> 01:30:53,813 'You'll Catch Your Death'. 1012 01:31:08,233 --> 01:31:10,350 Well, Darsie. Back where you belong. 1013 01:31:10,513 --> 01:31:12,413 Are you actually talking to your book? 1014 01:31:14,112 --> 01:31:15,341 You don't think it's all a bit tacky? 1015 01:31:15,672 --> 01:31:17,106 Tacky? We have canapes. 1016 01:31:17,872 --> 01:31:18,783 Now get signing. 1017 01:31:24,552 --> 01:31:29,149 Right, you ready? Go on, just do it. Okay, pay attention class, pay attention! 1018 01:31:33,312 --> 01:31:35,668 Jane Lockhart, of course... 1019 01:31:36,312 --> 01:31:40,146 ...follows Charlotte Bronte as only the second writer... 1020 01:31:40,231 --> 01:31:43,747 ...in English to design and build her own hovercraft. 1021 01:31:43,831 --> 01:31:45,151 Hovercraft. 1022 01:31:45,511 --> 01:31:48,470 H.O.V.E.R.C.R.A.F.T. 1023 01:31:49,311 --> 01:31:52,031 See? They'll believe anything you tell them. 1024 01:31:55,271 --> 01:32:00,470 So, I thought you said Pandemic Media people were coming today. 1025 01:32:01,710 --> 01:32:02,587 Where are they? 1026 01:32:02,990 --> 01:32:03,787 You're looking at them. 1027 01:32:04,030 --> 01:32:04,880 What do you mean? 1028 01:32:05,630 --> 01:32:07,462 They want someone in the company who won't... 1029 01:32:07,590 --> 01:32:09,990 ...let you get away with your usual extravagance. 1030 01:32:10,110 --> 01:32:11,624 Someone hard-line. 1031 01:32:11,750 --> 01:32:13,503 Someone disciplined. 1032 01:32:15,870 --> 01:32:18,783 Ah, brilliant. 1033 01:32:20,310 --> 01:32:21,210 Cheers, thank you. 1034 01:32:25,149 --> 01:32:25,946 You read it. 1035 01:32:26,349 --> 01:32:29,945 Yeah. Her father was really bad to her. 1036 01:32:30,509 --> 01:32:31,609 A nasty piece of work. 1037 01:32:31,629 --> 01:32:33,529 - No. No, no, he wasn't nas... - But... 1038 01:32:34,909 --> 01:32:36,309 She forgives him in the end. 1039 01:32:43,309 --> 01:32:46,460 Mr L. Oh... 1040 01:32:46,508 --> 01:32:47,828 ...if you think that was bad... 1041 01:32:47,908 --> 01:32:50,858 ...wait til you see what she's done with you in the new one. 1042 01:32:55,388 --> 01:32:56,583 Yeah. Errm... 1043 01:32:58,028 --> 01:33:01,146 Mr Lockhart, Benny, would you give us a second? 1044 01:33:03,828 --> 01:33:04,659 Yeah, yeah sure. 1045 01:33:05,068 --> 01:33:05,899 Thanks. 1046 01:33:21,467 --> 01:33:22,617 - So... - Uh-huh? 1047 01:33:24,867 --> 01:33:25,857 - Look... - Yes? 1048 01:33:26,027 --> 01:33:29,737 You are, frankly, about the most infuriating person I've ever met. 1049 01:33:30,187 --> 01:33:33,657 Which considering I work in Scottish publishing, is saying something. 1050 01:33:36,866 --> 01:33:39,266 But we couldn't have got here without each other. 1051 01:33:42,106 --> 01:33:43,606 So Jane, what I'm saying is... 1052 01:33:45,066 --> 01:33:45,863 Will you... 1053 01:33:48,426 --> 01:33:49,257 Could you... 1054 01:33:50,186 --> 01:33:51,136 Is that a contract? 1055 01:33:51,186 --> 01:33:53,186 Two more books and an option for a third. 1056 01:33:53,786 --> 01:33:54,583 Exclusive? 1057 01:33:54,666 --> 01:33:57,134 Naturally we'd have to work very, very, very closely. 1058 01:33:57,265 --> 01:33:58,585 With lots of notes? 1059 01:33:58,665 --> 01:34:00,179 An excessive amount of notes. 1060 01:34:00,225 --> 01:34:01,056 Okay, I do. 1061 01:34:03,185 --> 01:34:04,938 I mean.. I mean I will. 1062 01:34:05,945 --> 01:34:06,845 I will, I meant... 1063 01:34:08,665 --> 01:34:09,865 Okay, just give it here. 1064 01:36:55,258 --> 01:36:57,932 This is really pathetic. 1065 01:36:58,378 --> 01:37:01,051 Who is this? Jimmy Miller. 1066 01:37:01,737 --> 01:37:03,091 Should I know him? 1067 01:37:05,097 --> 01:37:07,851 One hundred pages of the bullshit. One hundred pages. 1068 01:37:09,097 --> 01:37:10,647 I'm not even going to read his. 1069 01:37:11,137 --> 01:37:15,290 Caitlin doesn't turn up most of the time. Hasn't even put his name on the front cover. 1070 01:37:15,337 --> 01:37:16,537 Who is this meant to be? 1071 01:37:16,657 --> 01:37:18,967 Well I can tell by his handwriting it's Paul's. 1072 01:37:19,057 --> 01:37:22,653 If Paul thinks he can just draw pictures and I'll know what he's trying to say, 1073 01:37:22,776 --> 01:37:26,776 he's got another thing coming. They're all the same, aren't they? Shona Westwood. 1074 01:37:27,296 --> 01:37:31,688 What does she want? There's nothing in this, is there? Hasn't even bothered to do it.