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This is Harry GoodSpeed
and the Plastic Cup Boyz,
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00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,527
here at the Kevin Hart mix
and mingle after-party, baby.
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00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:45,561
It's going down.
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00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,483
Let's go, baby!
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00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,927
Hey, yo, that little jackass
right there dancing!
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00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,526
Hey, come on, get this!
8
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,211
Craziness, as usual. Crazy.
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00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:56,606
Yo, I'm about to make a toast.
You trying to roll?
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00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,444
No, no. I got some girls in
the stairway waiting for me.
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00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,648
All right, well... Ew! Nasty ass.
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00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,200
Brian, come on.
And stop leaving me, jackass!
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00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,924
Spank, I'm about to make a toast, yo.
14
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:09,369
Hey! Hey, yo! Yo! Everybody, real quick.
Let me get your attention.
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00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:12,609
Welcome to my mix
and mingle event, everybody.
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00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,881
Yeah, that's right, boy!
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00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:17,720
We're toasting to a great year, man.
It's been a great year for me.
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00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,242
We're gonna have a blast tonight.
Drinks are free, it's all on me.
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00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,971
What up, Big K!/
It's a celebration!
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00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,484
Have fun, everybody!
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00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,324
Kevi-Kev! Baby boy!/
What's up, baby?
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00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,731
How you feeling, baby? Good to see you.
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00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,444
Hey, thank you for inviting
a dapper brother like me.
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00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:33,646
No problem, man.
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00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,006
They say you ain't been
talking to your dad.
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00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:36,081
Is that shit true?
27
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,447
No. Let me explain something
to you. Listen, that's not...
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Get your shit together.
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00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,765
No. No, dude. Hey, hey.
I can explain what...
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00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,730
Hey, boo!/
Wow! How you doing?
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00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,765
Is it true you don't fuck with
dark-skinned bitches no more?
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00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:49,881
Huh?
33
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,041
You ain't even dark-skinned!
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00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,081
Let me explain something to you.
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00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,128
No, no, no, no/
I said... Wait, now.
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00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:56,929
I don't wanna hear it. Neither do my girls.
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Do your girls? Listen, let me talk to you.
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00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,531
What are you doing, man?/
You got some goddamn nerve!
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00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,806
Get your ass over here, man.
40
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:07,848
That girl be yelling at me.
I can fucking yell back.
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00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,241
Nigga, you asked for that!
That's the price of fame.
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00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,611
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
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00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:12,641
I can't deal with you, man.
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00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,840
I need somebody to talk some
sense into your dumb ass.
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00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:15,961
Harry/
Yo, Spank!
46
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,041
That's stupid for you to get Spank.
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00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,361
Yo!/
Listen, jackass over here mad,
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00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,041
'cause he can't compare to Eddie Murphy.
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00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,286
What was that?/
What?
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00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,284
First, quiet. First of all,
I never said anything like that.
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00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,967
Dude! That's the price of fame/
What the fuck are you... I never said...
52
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,128
Let me explain something to you, Spank.
What I just said...
53
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,491
Ain't nobody trying to hear that shit.
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00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,403
Hey, yo, yo. Yo. Hey, Na'im!
55
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,963
Fucking Kev over here getting upset
because Soul Plane bombed.
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00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,570
It bombed. It flopped/
That was yesterday!
57
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,404
That's the price of fame.
You asked for this.
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00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,689
Kev, Kev. Kevin motherfucking Hart/
Who the fuck is this?
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00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,331
No. Hold on, man. Listen, I'm a fan.
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00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:49,964
Oh, thank you/
But only in America.
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00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:53,089
What?/
You ain't shit until you perform in Paris.
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00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:57,165
Okay/
Old LAB-ass nigga. Local-ass bitch.
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00:03:58,840 --> 00:03:59,841
Come on, y'all.
64
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:05,320
Hey, Terry! Hey! Get him out of here!
65
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,323
Hey! Hey!
66
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,690
I can't believe this shit, man.
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00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,281
Whoo! You got to be kidding me.
68
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,529
I can't even enjoy myself
at my own mix and mingle party.
69
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:19,931
I put this party together!
70
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,325
Why can't I enjoy myself?
71
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,842
'Cause I'm dealing with a bunch of people
who wanna tell me about my life.
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00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,524
Why you gonna talk to yourself?
You know what?
73
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,080
Be a man and confront somebody.
74
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,288
Want me to explain myself?
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00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,490
That's exactly what I'mma do.
Nate! Nate!
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00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,729
Where's Nate at?
Y'all seen Nate? Nate!
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00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:46,521
Come here.
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00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,287
I know what I wanna do.
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00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,885
I want you to call the Garden,
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00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,571
tell them I'm coming down there
to get some shit off my chest right now.
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00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,722
Kevin, all this food,
and you want Olive Garden, man? For real?
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00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,404
Nate, ain't nobody talking about
no goddamn Olive Garden.
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00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:58,720
I'm talking about
Madison Square Garden, Nate.
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00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,081
Tell them I'm coming down there right now
to explain some shit.
85
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,606
We can't just call the Garden/
God damn it, Nate! What are you doing?
86
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,411
Okay, look, we don't go back and forth.
That's not why I pay you.
87
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,160
Okay, I pay you to do
what I ask you to do.
88
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,248
Right now, what I'm asking you to do
needs to get done.
89
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:11,281
So do it!
90
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:12,725
Kev, you know how many people
Madison's gonna hold?
91
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:13,801
God, Nate, if I...
92
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,201
Why am I going back and forth with you?
Huh?
93
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,400
Is that your job?
You don't go back and forth with me.
94
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:19,761
Nate, I'll punch you.
95
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:23,123
I'll double-punch your face,
and I'll break both of your eyes.
96
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,931
You seriously the boss, Kev, all right/
You're goddamn right I'm the boss.
97
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,008
And let me tell you something
about the boss.
98
00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:31,766
Sometimes, when the boss gets hungry,
he turns into an elephant.
99
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,928
Which means he needs some nuts.
100
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,884
And right now, I'm about to get some nuts.
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00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,251
Exactly what does that mean, though, Kev?
102
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,484
Shut this party down. Right now.
103
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,131
Shut the party down.
Madison Square Garden.
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00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,321
This nigga crazy.
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00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,323
I'm about to go to Madison Square Garden
and explain.
106
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:50,811
Nate's setting it up right now.
107
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,360
Don't try to talk me out of it!
I'm doing it right now!
108
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,283
Don't try to stop me!/
Oh, shit!
109
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,367
Don't try to stop me!
110
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,521
Hey, Kev, hold on!
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00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,368
Well then, try and stop me! I'm going!
112
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,090
Hey, Kev, what you doing, man?
113
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,369
What the fuck you doing, man?
Don't be touching my shit!
114
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,124
Shut your ass up, man.
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00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:11,448
Everybody, listen up!
This party's officially over.
116
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,124
Kevin's about to go to
Madison Square Garden
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00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,646
'cause he wants to explain.
Good night.
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00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:21,810
Shall we go?/
Where?
119
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,330
He's going to explain!
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00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,202
Go! Go, go, go, go, 90!
121
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,410
Kev! Wait!
122
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:34,485
Oh, shit. Move, bitch!
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00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:43,087
Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
124
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,363
Oh, hell no!
125
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,841
Why this motherfucker
didn't take the elevator?
126
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,685
God damn it.
I should have took the elevator.
127
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,849
Kev! What you doing?/
Get your goddamn hands off me.
128
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:57,410
But the Garden?
You gonna do the Garden?
129
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:58,601
You're damned right I'mma do the Garden!
130
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,091
Man, he crazy/
Why shouldn't I?
131
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,925
It's gonna be 30,000 people
at the Garden, my nigga.
132
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,889
There's 30,000 goddamn people
at the Garden?
133
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,530
Well, didn't nobody tell me that.
134
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,564
I'm out, I'm out. Right now.
I'm going. I'm about to leave.
135
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,566
To the Garden.
136
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:22,961
Phew!
137
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,328
Relax. Breathe, Kevin, you are fine.
138
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,362
You're ready for this. Okay? It's time!
139
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,249
It's time that you explained this shit.
140
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,766
Is it true you don't fuck with
dark-skinned bitches no more?
141
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:45,768
Why would I not like dark-skinned girls?
I don't even know where that came from.
142
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,208
I'm friends with so many
dark-skinned girls. So many.
143
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,810
My daughter's dark-skinned!
144
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,929
I love my daughter.
So I guess I don't love my daughter?
145
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,604
Boy, I will tell you.
146
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,650
I heard his little ass
don't even talk to his ex-wife no more.
147
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,088
Okay, me and my ex-wife are friends!
What are you talking about?
148
00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,009
"The divorce, did Kevin change?"
149
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,401
"Oh, he Hollywood now.
150
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:09,131
"Kevin Hollywood now,
'cause he got a divorce."
151
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,568
Please. We're friends.
152
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,843
We're applicable. We're applicable.
153
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,969
I hope I said that word right,
'cause I don't even know.
154
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,008
But we are.
155
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:25,084
That's the best thing about
being a comedian, I can address it.
156
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,164
I can talk about it my damn self/
Hey, look!
157
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,368
It's that hysterical comedian,
Kevin Hart.
158
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:31,965
Yeah, well...
159
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,963
There ain't no way to explain that.
That's just...
160
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,405
It's a bad day.
161
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,524
Old LAB-ass nigga.
162
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,204
Okay, okay, now that's enough...
163
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,964
Local-ass bitch.
164
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,283
I'm not gonna tolerate that.
Not after what I've been through this year.
165
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,210
You're not gonna call me
no LAB, no "local-ass bitch."
166
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,361
You know why?
167
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,444
I traveled the world doing comedy, people.
I did!
168
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:58,131
You know what, I don't like the
fact that I'm telling you this.
169
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:01,084
I would much rather show you.
Look for yourself, people.
170
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,322
This is my second time coming back here,
171
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,250
and you guys have shown me
nothing but love.
172
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,891
Amazing. Absolutely amazing/
Awesome.
173
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,849
Kevin Hart is the funniest man alive.
174
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,763
You ain't got no daddy
175
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,689
Thank you for the love.
Thank you for the support.
176
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,490
We totally love him. Keep coming!
177
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,602
It was amazing/
I love Kevin.
178
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,444
I fucking love you, Toronto!
Thank you!
179
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,522
The show was awesome!/
It was great.
180
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,284
We love you, Kevin Hart!
181
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,127
I feel such genuine...
182
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,407
You have no idea how much
I love and appreciate y'all
183
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,520
for the fucking support that
you guys have given me.
184
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,211
You about to shit, ain't you?/
No, no. Ain't no shitting on the bus.
185
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,721
It is if it's shitting on a good bus/
No shitting on a bus.
186
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,565
Downstairs?/
No, ain't no shitting on the bus at all.
187
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,489
I'm calling a team meeting right now.
188
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,403
No shitting.
No shitting on the bus, dude.
189
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,410
I can't, man! I shit at
least seven times a day.
190
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,721
When they gotta shit,
we'll pull over and go to...
191
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,091
So we can pull over?/
Yeah.
192
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,730
Yeah. We ain't telling
you to shit on yourself!
193
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:53,881
Well, I will.
194
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,846
I got a rule. A nigga shit on a bus,
you gotta pay that $500.
195
00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,843
$500 to take a shit?
196
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,081
That's a fine.
197
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,811
So, how do I say,
"What's up, everybody?"
198
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:12,923
Okay. Now, how many people
know who I am? Ask them.
199
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,166
I love Kevin Hart!
200
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,123
Let me say something.
201
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,005
I have never been to Oslo in my life.
202
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,929
Never, ever.
203
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,771
And the first time I come here,
you guys welcome me with a sold-out show.
204
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,643
Genuinely, I fucking thank you.
205
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,166
I loved him in Soul Plane.
Definitely his best work.
206
00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:00,723
Well, Kevin, you're awesome.
It was nice seeing you in Denmark.
207
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,371
Yeah. We'll miss you,
and you definitely need to come back.
208
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,084
All right, all right, all right!
209
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,000
Amsterdam! Thank you for the love.
210
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,368
Thank you for the support.
211
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:36,761
You wanna see
if niggas is weird or not?
212
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,846
Be on a bus with them for 10 hours.
213
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:41,285
You're gonna see a lot of shit.
214
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,920
We've been driving for eight hours.
215
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,126
We could have been there
in one on a goddamn plane.
216
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,282
I think it was a smart decision.
217
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,124
Man, this is the dumbest shit he ever did.
218
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:57,247
Don't nobody do this.
219
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,530
He's still the same dumb motherfucker
he was goddamn 27 years ago.
220
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,285
Just look like a bunch of idiots
on a double-decker bus.
221
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:08,570
Either get on a plane
for two and a half hours,
222
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:14,130
or take a bus for 10 hours and be with
your friends and talk to one another.
223
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,929
Some people on here stink.
224
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,731
There's a stench from hell.
225
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,211
It's just a lot of funky-ass...
226
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:22,241
It's like gumbo.
227
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,840
...I'll-hygiene-ass niggas on this bus.
228
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,769
It's fucking disgusting.
229
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,729
That's why I stay back here
in the quarters, you know.
230
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,087
Me and my lady, we lay
back here in comfort.
231
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,442
Hey, the tour bus was a mistake!
232
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:44,567
Birmingham, you guys are amazing.
Thank you for the love. I'm out.
233
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,928
It was chill!/
The show was hilarious.
234
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,281
I love you!/
That was amazing.
235
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,169
That was a brilliant show.
236
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,480
Kevin!
237
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,170
...all the way.
You gotta see him, you gotta see him.
238
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,241
Brilliant. Excellent.
239
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,651
He's sexy in real life/
All right, all right!
240
00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:58,767
I'm gonna marry you.
241
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,006
Whoo!
242
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,241
Kevin!
243
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,760
Come back to the UK
and smash it again, Kevin Hart.
244
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,525
The guy is good all the time.
245
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:17,285
Wow! London, this is crazy!
I can't believe this, man.
246
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,169
I came here and sold out.
247
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,447
I appreciate you all. I love you all.
248
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:28,449
I really feel like Kevin has grown into
the young mogul that he really wants to be.
249
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:33,884
Kevin was a guy
that was true to his story.
250
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,131
He knew where he came from,
he knew where he wanted to go.
251
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,887
I've seen where we started.
252
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:44,170
And to see him go from
a hole-in-the-wall bar in Atlantic City
253
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,483
to performing in front of 15,000 people,
254
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,085
you know, you gotta take your hat off.
255
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:53,724
I mean, he can go into Norway,
and Sweden and Denmark,
256
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,529
and get the reception that he's getting.
257
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,170
He's becoming a global brand.
258
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,646
Everything he's done,
we've pretty much seen on YouTube.
259
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,245
YouTube/
YouTube.
260
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:02,731
On YouTube, everything.
261
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,326
I then saw him on YouTube
and I thought he was hilarious.
262
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,006
But I've seen his stuff in YouTube,
and I love that, man.
263
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,162
I've seen, like, every show on YouTube.
264
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,208
I've seen all your shows on YouTube, man!
265
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,884
I'm some 1,000 miles away
in other countries,
266
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,042
and the love that this cat is getting...
267
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:19,804
He's so loyal.
268
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:24,607
Like, he doesn't want anybody to
feel like he's not there for them.
269
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:25,841
This is a team.
270
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:30,568
This has been running for four years
strong, and we all work good together.
271
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,564
God, be that angel in my corner
272
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,404
likeyou always are.
273
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,206
Mom, I know you're watching over me,
and I know you're proud. Amen.
274
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,371
I know I'm in Madison Square Garden,
and this shit is sold out.
275
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,442
Y'all better make some fucking noise!
276
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:19,601
I'm gonna say it again.
277
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,842
I know I'm in fucking
Madison Square Garden.
278
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,331
This bitch sold out.
279
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,006
Y'all better make some fucking noise!
280
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,966
Uh...
281
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,128
You see my fire? You see my fire?
282
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,364
You got to be a big deal
to have fire, people.
283
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,329
It means I'm a big goddamn deal.
284
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,326
Let me tell you why I got fire.
Let me tell you why.
285
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,483
I went to go see
Jay-Z and Kanye perform, right?
286
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,050
These niggas had a bunch of fire.
287
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,321
I was like, "Yo, this show
is the shit, 'cause they got fire."
288
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,331
No comedian has ever had fire.
289
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:01,330
I'm about to be the first comedian
with some fucking fire.
290
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:02,886
So...
291
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,801
Because of that, throughout my show,
you're gonna see a bunch of pointless fire.
292
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,366
You're laughing?
I'm not playing. I'm dead serious.
293
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:13,521
You think it's a game?
294
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,284
Give fire for these bitches one time.
295
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,240
There's about to be a
bunch of fucking fire.
296
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,002
This show's gonna be hot. Literally.
297
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,686
Um...
298
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,449
Lot of shit to talk about, man.
299
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,241
I wanna talk about the fact that I'm happy.
I'm happy right now, people.
300
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:31,601
Uh...
301
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,570
I wanna explain why I'm happy.
302
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,085
First of all, my divorce is final.
303
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,924
That's the first reason why.
304
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,402
Now, here's what I wanna explain
about my divorce.
305
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,568
Everybody assumes that because
you went through a divorce,
306
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,051
you went through a
fucked-up period of life.
307
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,011
You hate each other.
You're enemies. It's not true.
308
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,361
At the end of the day,
that's the mother of my kids.
309
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,051
I'm always gonna respect her
as the mother of my kids.
310
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:02,211
She's happy, she's moved on.
I'm happy, I've moved on.
311
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:05,403
I'm happier than she is, though.
I am.
312
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,644
No, I am. I'm doing a lot of happy shit
right now, people. You have no idea.
313
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,484
I took a fucking walk the other day.
314
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,882
Do you know how happy you gotta be
to take a goddamn walk?
315
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,322
To just go outside
and start fucking walking?
316
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,563
I knew I was happy because I was
talking to myself while I was walking.
317
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,724
I was like, "You hungry?"
"I could eat."
318
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,001
It was just me, though. Right?
319
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,605
Nobody else was there.
320
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,480
I stopped, I fed pigeons.
That's some happy shit!
321
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,130
You gotta be happy to feed pigeons.
322
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,245
Here's a beautiful thing
about me feeding pigeons.
323
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,444
When I was done feeding the pigeons,
I didn't have to lie about it.
324
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,131
See, when you're married,
you lie about shit like that.
325
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,811
Because you don't believe
that your wife would ever believe
326
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,680
that you were doing something as dumb
as feeding some goddamn pigeons.
327
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,446
There's not a married man
sitting in this audience right now
328
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,050
that can go out and feed pigeons,
329
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,327
and his wife calls, and she says,
"Babe, where you at?"
330
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:56,845
And you go, "I'm feeding pigeons."
331
00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:00,163
And she believes that
he was feeding some fucking pigeons.
332
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,083
It'll never happen.
It's an argument off the bat.
333
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,407
"Where you at, babe?"
"I'm out here feeding pigeons."
334
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,010
"You ain't feeding no damn pigeons!"
335
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,003
"What're you talking about?
I am feeding the pigeons."
336
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:09,969
"Then put the pigeon
on the fucking phone."
337
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,246
"What?"
338
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,044
"Let me talk to the goddamn pigeon."
339
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,845
"That ain't no pigeon.
340
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:25,051
"Tell the bitch sitting next to you
that's making pigeon noises on the phone,
341
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,606
"when I see her, I'm gonna beat her ass.
342
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,969
"'Oh, fake pigeon noise making
ass'bitch.
343
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:35,001
"'Oh, not knowing how to sound
like a pigeon ass' bitch.
344
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,367
"Matter of fact,
tell that bitch that when I see her,
345
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,683
"I'm gonna grab a real pigeon
and smack the shit out of her with it.
346
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,802
"She could see
what a real pigeon sounds like.
347
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,366
"'Oh, false pigeon vocal chord
having ass' bitch."
348
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,329
I'm fucking killing y'all, man.
349
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:48,964
Get fire on these bitches one time.
350
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:58,200
I'm at a point now
where I understand who I am as a man.
351
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,248
I know my pros, I know my cons.
352
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,649
Here's what's bad about me, people.
I'm a liar. I love to lie.
353
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:09,248
Uh... I don't know why. I wish I could stop.
I can't. I think I'm sick. It's a disease.
354
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,321
I don't even tell good lies.
355
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,681
I tell a bunch of dumb-ass lies
on a regular basis.
356
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,802
Let me tell you something.
There's nothing worse
357
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:20,488
than telling a dumb-ass lie
and getting caught telling a dumb-ass lie.
358
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,329
For example,
I don't like talking on my cell phone.
359
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,521
I can't stand talking on my phone.
360
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,524
But I don't know how to tell people
that I don't like to talk on my phone.
361
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,683
I think that makes me, like, an asshole,
so I'd much rather lie about it.
362
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,451
Here's how I got caught the other day.
I'm in my car, I'm driving.
363
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,291
My boy calls me when I'm driving,
I pick up, "Yo, what up?"
364
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,885
"Kev, what's going on?" Instantly, I lie.
365
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,962
I said, "Dude,
I can't be on the phone like that.
366
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,121
"I'm out of the country.
367
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:41,884
"I'm not trying to have
a high-ass phone bill."
368
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,645
This is no bullshit.
This is what I heard, he said,
369
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,561
"Nigga, ain't that you at the stoplight
right there in front of me?"
370
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:48,721
I said, "What?"
371
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,084
I'm so oblivious at lying, I waved.
372
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:55,642
"What's up, man?
What's going on with you, baby?"
373
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:56,881
"Why you said you was out of the country?"
374
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,521
"I didn't say that. I never said that."
375
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,167
I don't wanna be a liar. I don't.
376
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,924
I blame y'all. It's your fault.
377
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,521
'Cause y'all put me in positions
where I have no choice but to lie.
378
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,767
For example, I'm here. I'm in New York.
379
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,167
I'm at the airport.
I'm in baggage claim, right?
380
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,891
This girl sees me, she goes off.
381
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,922
She loses her fucking mind.
382
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,240
Soon as she saw me, she was like,
383
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,209
"oh, my God, no, Kevin!
384
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:27,084
"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
I can't believe this!
385
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:32,731
"God must be playing a trick on me!
God must be playing a trick on me!
386
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:33,966
"Oh, my God!
387
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,765
"I said I was gonna see you and then
I see you, and now I'm looking at you.
388
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,365
"Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
389
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,329
"Oh, my God!
390
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,762
"Can you do me a favor?
Can you wait here for, like, 30 minutes?
391
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,606
"My mom is about to land.
She would love to get a picture with you."
392
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,928
I was like, "Fuck, yeah, I'll wait.
Go ahead, go get her."
393
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,769
As soon as she left, I took off.
394
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:56,805
"Bitch, I'm not standing here for no
30 minutes waiting for your goddamn mom.
395
00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,208
"No! Kill yourself. Die! Today!
396
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,328
"Death to you, bitch, die!
397
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,290
"I'm not fucking waiting for you."
398
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,643
But I can't say that.
399
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,530
If I say that, that makes
me, like, an asshole.
400
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,802
There are certain lies that I can't tell.
401
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:13,769
For example, I can't tell big lies.
402
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:15,531
Reason why I can't tell big lies
403
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:19,047
is because I'm one of those people
that start to believe the lie.
404
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,726
Like, once I get that ball
rolling, I can't stop.
405
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,165
You know who I respect?
406
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,163
I respect people that
work a nine-to-five job
407
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,481
that could show up late for work
without an excuse.
408
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,520
They show up,
take full responsibility.
409
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,081
"Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
It'll never happen again.
410
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:35,130
"I overslept, I apologize.
It's irresponsible on my behalf.
411
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,924
"If I do it again, fire me."
412
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,411
I respect people that can do that.
413
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,729
'Cause I can't do that,
'cause I'm a fucking liar. I am.
414
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,290
If I'm late, something happened.
415
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:46,449
I don't give a shit.
Something drastic happened.
416
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,203
"Yo, dude, sorry I'm late.
417
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:54,326
"I was on the highway and a fucking baby
was running on the highway.
418
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,242
"Yeah, I know, right? Shit's crazy.
419
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,641
"So I get out of the car,
I start chasing the baby.
420
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,490
"In my mind, I'm like,
'Why're you running, baby?'
421
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,284
"That's what I'm thinking, right?
422
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:05,566
"I'm like, 'What do you do?'
423
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,087
"'Cause I can't just grab the baby and throw
the baby in the car, that's kidnapping.
424
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:10,525
"I fuck around and go to jail.
425
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,524
"I got a little butt, I'll get raped.
I know they'll fucking rape me in jail.
426
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:14,760
"I ain't trying to get raped.
427
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,883
"So I had to make a decision.
I was like, 'Shit, what do I do?'
428
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,247
"So I decided to adopt the baby.
429
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:25,167
"What I did was, I downloaded this app on
my iPhone, this Adopt the Baby app, right?
430
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,368
"I put the barcode on the baby head. Boop!
431
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,090
"That way the baby knew he was my baby.
432
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,487
"I put the baby in the
car, I go to pull off,
433
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:35,451
"I turn around,
a deer was running towards the car.
434
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:39,440
"So I'm like, 'Oh, shit!
This deer is about to eat the baby!'
435
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,409
"That's what I'm thinking, right?
436
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,842
"But then I looked closer, I noticed
the front part of the deer was a deer,
437
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,485
"the back half was a zebra.
438
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,961
"It was half deer, half zebra.
439
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:52,004
"So I'm like, 'Oh, shit! It's a deerbra!'
440
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:55,243
"Like, that's what I'm thinking,
'It's a fucking deerbra.'
441
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,924
"So I call the zoo, I'm like,
442
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:02,404
"'Yo, there's a fucking deerbra
out here on the highway!'
443
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:06,081
"He was like, 'What's that?'
I was like, 'Half deer, half zebra.'
444
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,448
"He was like, 'Did you just make that up?'
I was like, 'I think so.'
445
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:10,801
Um...
446
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,086
"He said, 'Well, bring it down.'
447
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:17,445
"So I get down there, he sees it, he's like,
'Oh, shit, it's half deer, half zebra!'
448
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:20,490
"I said, 'That's what I was trying
to tell you on the phone, it's a deerbra.
449
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:22,642
"He was like, Okay, what do you want?
Do you want money for it?'
450
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,007
"I said, No, I don't
have that type of time.
451
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:30,564
"'I gotta get back to the car because
my new son is in the car by hisself.
452
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:36,249
"So I get back to the car, turns out, the
baby that I thought was a baby wasn't a baby.
453
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:39,648
"It was a grown-ass man
with Benjamin Button disease.
454
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:41,841
"Let me tell you how I figured this out.
455
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,730
"I figured this out, ' cause
when I got to the car, the baby woke up.
456
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,122
"I was like, 'Hey, I'm your new dad.
I've just adopted you.
457
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:51,483
"He was like,
'You ain't my dad, bitch! I'm 65.
458
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:55,121
"I said, 'Goddamn!' He
said, 'I got a disease.
459
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,368
"I was like, 'You got
that Benjamin Button.
460
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,887
"He was like, 'Where's my deerbra?
461
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:03,806
"I said, 'I knew that was a
fucking deerbra, I knew it was.
462
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,291
"'I just took it to the zoo.
463
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,641
"He was like, 'Well, how the fuck
am I supposed to get home?
464
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:11,247
"I said, 'You ride that motherfucker, man?
465
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,844
"Anyway, long story short,
that's why I'm five minutes late for work,
466
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:19,847
"'cause it took a long-ass time for me
to get the fucking deerbra in the car."
467
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,930
Understand something, people.
Lying will ruin your life.
468
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,366
Lying will ruin your goddamn life.
469
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,522
Lying ruined my marriage.
True shit, sweetie.
470
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,691
Lying ruined my goddamn marriage.
471
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:34,766
That's a lie, I cheated.
472
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:36,888
Let's talk about it, though,
let's figure it out.
473
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:39,725
Don't judge me. Let me explain. Um...
474
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,201
Yes. Yes, people, I cheated.
475
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,851
Am I ashamed of it? No. No, I am not.
476
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,645
Do I wish that I could take it back?
477
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,646
No. No, I don't. Let me tell you why.
478
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,291
You can't evolve as a man
if you never make a mistake.
479
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,442
The only way that you could be perfect
is to fuck up.
480
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,809
I get it, I fucked up.
"Don't cheat." Nah! Whatever.
481
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,291
Now, do I think cheating was the problem?
No, I don't.
482
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,129
Cheating was not the problem.
483
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,561
Lying about cheating was the problem.
484
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,841
If I'd had been honest about it,
might have worked it out.
485
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:11,245
But I wasn't. I lied.
486
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,529
And I didn't just lie on myself,
I put my best friend in my lie.
487
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,280
Now I don't think that's a bad thing to do.
488
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,050
Let me explain why.
489
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,403
If you're my best friend,
I shouldn't have to ask you to lie for me.
490
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,603
I shouldn't have to ask your permission
for me to put you in my lie.
491
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,047
You know why? 'Cause you're my
best fucking friend, bitch.
492
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,081
That's your job.
493
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,766
The day that we signed up
and said that we best friends,
494
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,889
that means that my
bullshit is your bullshit.
495
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,446
And your bullshit is my bullshit.
496
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,445
If you're my real best friend,
497
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,364
you should know that I need you
to lie for me by the look on my face.
498
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,244
If I'm looking at you
and I'm not blinking, if I'm like this...
499
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:49,367
that's a goddamn sign.
500
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:50,931
That means, "The bitch got the drop on us.
501
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,401
"My back is against the wall.
This is not a test.
502
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:58,002
"It's the real deal, help me! Help me!
503
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,603
"Nigga! Help me!"
504
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:08,001
My friend Harry ignored all signs, okay?
505
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,288
Let me tell you how shit hit the fan.
506
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:12,486
I come in the house, right?
507
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:13,971
Come in the house,
like, 4:00 in the morning.
508
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,610
I'm drunk, people. Drunk as shit.
509
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,570
I have no balance. I'm all over the place.
I'm rocking back and forth.
510
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,809
Soon as I walk in the house,
she wakes up, she goes off.
511
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:25,766
"You know what? I'm sick of this.
I know you's probably out with some bitch.
512
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,643
"You was probably
messing with some bitch."
513
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,803
Now, I'm drunk, I don't wanna respond,
because I don't have any balance.
514
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,166
I'm rocking back and forth.
515
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,846
You don't look believable
when you're rocking back and forth.
516
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,366
So I had to choose a stance
in which I looked believable.
517
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:38,487
So I chose this.
518
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:40,085
I said, "Let me tell you something,
listen to me.
519
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,687
"Wasn't nobody with no bitch, okay?
You're wrong.
520
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,366
"Matter of fact, to prove you wrong,
I'm gonna call Harry.
521
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:49,922
"Harry not expecting me to call right now,
so Harry don't have no reason to lie.
522
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:51,928
"And I'm gonna put it on speakerphone.
523
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,207
"About to make you feel stupid. Watch this.
524
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:58,080
"Watch how fucking stupid you feel.
Watch. Watch this.
525
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:03,969
"Harry. Harry, real quick, don't lie."
526
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,920
Let's stop right there.
Let's just stop right there for a second.
527
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,364
What does that mean?
What does that mean, people?
528
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,171
Lie. It means, lie. Right now.
529
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:14,651
That means, "The bitch got the drop on us.
530
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,842
"My back is against the wall.
This is not a test.
531
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:21,403
"It's the real deal, help me! Help me!
532
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:25,641
"Nigga! Help me!"
533
00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,846
Harry ignored all signs.
534
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:32,530
I'm gonna tell you exactly what Harry said.
535
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:37,691
I said, "Harry. Harry, real quick, don't lie.
Where're we coming from right now?"
536
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:42,561
He said, "Man, you was with that
bitch with the fat ass."
537
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,450
"What? Oh, no.
538
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,364
"No, no, no, no.
539
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:53,401
"Oh, no. No, no, no, no." Yo.
540
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,851
I was so fucking scared.
I was so scared.
541
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,042
I mean, this bitch gonna kill me.
She's gonna fucking kill me.
542
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:08,490
See, but understand
something. I'm not mad at Harry.
543
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:12,566
The reason I'm not mad at Harry
is because Harry has done some dumb shit,
544
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:13,926
but I understand who he is.
545
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:18,648
See, Harry might be the smartest dumbest
friend that I've ever had in my life, okay?
546
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:20,563
Let me tell you the dumbest thing
that Harry has ever done.
547
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,086
Harry invented the code for us to use
548
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:25,600
to let each other know
when we were around our women.
549
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,286
Basically, if somebody used the code,
it means, "Don't say anything stupid.
550
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:30,408
"You might be on speakerphone.
Don't say nothing dumb.
551
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,450
"The phone might be loud enough so my girl
can hear whatever it is you're saying."
552
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:37,007
It means, "Don't say anything
that could jeopardize our relationship."
553
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:40,801
The code was, "Man, I'm hungry as shit."
554
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:44,680
That's the code, people.
"Man, I'm hungry as shit."
555
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:46,920
Here's what pissed me off about the code.
556
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,723
Harry invented the fucking code.
557
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:54,689
So there's no reason
why Harry should have messed up the code.
558
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:55,886
Here's how Harry messes it up.
559
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,531
I'm in the car with my lady.
I'm driving, she's in the passenger seat.
560
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:00,011
Harry calls me when I'm in the car.
561
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,766
I got the Bluetooth shit in the car,
so my phone rings, the whole car rings.
562
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:06,121
Harry's name pops up on the dashboard.
563
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:07,964
I answer, "What up, boy?"
564
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:09,804
"Kev, what's going on?" "Ain't shit."
565
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,486
This is how I knew the conversation
was about to take a turn for the worse.
566
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,721
This is how I knew it was
about to get filthy. He said,
567
00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,641
"Nigga!"
568
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:38,686
"Harry, hey, hey.
Man, I'm hungry as shit!"
569
00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:43,967
He said, "I'm not. I just ate."
"What? What! Harry!"
570
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:46,850
"Harry!"
571
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:51,523
"Harry!" I said, "Man, I'm hungry as shit."
572
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,331
He says, "Yo, you should go to Subway
and get the footlong for five dollars."
573
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:58,371
"What the fuck! Harry! Harry!"
574
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:02,043
I said, "Man, I'm hungry as shit."
575
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:08,082
He said, "Oh, that must mean
you're ready to eat these white bitches."
576
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:12,724
"What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
577
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:14,326
"No, no, no.
578
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,443
"I ain't eating no white bitch.
I ain't eating no white bitches.
579
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:21,411
"I never did. Oh, my God, no. Oh, no."
580
00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:24,525
Yo, have you ever
been in trouble with your girl
581
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:26,364
to the point where
you're afraid to look at her,
582
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:30,121
but you can feel her staring
at the side of your goddamn face?
583
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:32,043
I was so scared, I never looked at her.
584
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,208
I just looked straight and
started making dumb-ass noises.
585
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:38,961
I started pointing out shit.
586
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,691
"Oh, look, a deerbra!
You see it? I just saw a deerbra."
587
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:44,365
I'm fucking killing y'all, man.
588
00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:46,926
Get fire on these bitches again.
589
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,049
Now, here's the thing.
590
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:53,806
I'm not upset with Harry
for doing all the dumb shit that he's done.
591
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:56,565
Reason why is because
I've learned so much from Harry.
592
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:59,484
Like, literally, now I know
what to do, what not to do.
593
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,130
I know what I want, what I don't want.
594
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:03,601
And, fellas, I'm not selfish
with this information.
595
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,081
I feel like it's my job to educate y'all.
596
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,288
I can tell you what you want
in your life, what you don't.
597
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:11,125
I can tell you the one thing
that you do not want in your household.
598
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:12,929
Fellas, the one thing that you
don't want in your household
599
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,002
is a female that doesn't trust you.
600
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,242
Only thing that's worse than a
female that doesn't trust you
601
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:22,326
is a female that doesn't trust you that has
no proof for why she doesn't trust you.
602
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:25,449
That bitch is crazy. Let me tell you why.
603
00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:28,529
She's crazy because
she has so many thoughts in her head
604
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:30,284
about what you might be doing,
605
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:32,687
and it pisses her off
that she can't figure it out.
606
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:34,444
That's why she sits in the house all day,
607
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:38,326
trying to put pieces to a puzzle together
that doesn't exist.
608
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:40,687
"Oh, he done fucked up.
609
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,489
"Oh, this nigga fucked up.
610
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:44,528
"What the fuck is this right here?
611
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:46,409
"Oh, I got his ass now."
612
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:51,320
This is a woman that'll look at you
and say crazy shit like,
613
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:56,162
"Don't act like I'm fucking crazy, nigga."
614
00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,808
You ever see a girl say shit like that?
She look crazy as shit while she say it.
615
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:03,322
"Don't act like I'm fucking crazy."
616
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:05,040
Let me tell you something.
617
00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:07,128
Any bitch that do this shit right here...
618
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,807
is a goddamn psychopath, you hear me?
619
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:14,009
Any bitch that argue with you to the side,
620
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:20,002
"Oh, you got a bitch
fucked up, you hear me?
621
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:23,402
"You got me fucked up.
You got me fucked up.
622
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:26,723
"You got me fucked up, nigga."
623
00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,081
That's a different level of woman.
She's fucking crazy.
624
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:33,562
This woman is so crazy
that when she thinks,
625
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:35,483
when she thinks that
she's caught you cheating,
626
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:39,361
before she talks to you, she's gotta
have a conversation with herself.
627
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:41,363
She's gotta talk to herself.
628
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:47,202
Here's my impression
of a crazy woman talking to their self.
629
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,730
"Oh, yeah.
630
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:55,362
"Oh, we got his ass now.
We got his ass now.
631
00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:59,247
"You ready, bitch?" "Bitch, I'm ready."
632
00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:01,604
Ain't nobody there, it's just her.
633
00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:04,843
Now, she's so crazy
that she can't even stick to the plan.
634
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:06,604
The plan is to see you.
635
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,490
When she sees you, she's supposed to
show you whatever she found.
636
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:12,524
You're supposed to talk about it, figure
out the next steps in your relationship.
637
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:13,647
But she's crazy.
638
00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:16,929
There's so much bottled up emotion
and built-up tension inside.
639
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,447
As soon as she sees your face, she snaps.
She fucking loses it.
640
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:21,881
Soon as you walk through the door,
641
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:27,370
"Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Don't say shit!
You're a piece of shit!
642
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:30,370
"Oh, my God, no."
643
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:37,286
Hey, have you ever seen a woman
go from frantic to calm?
644
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:38,725
Like, real fast?
645
00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:40,410
"Motherfucker, you're a piece of shit!
646
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:42,448
"I can't believe you're hurting me!
647
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:48,091
"But it's gonna be the last time
that you do some shit like this to me.
648
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:53,246
"I don't give a fuck about it!
I don't give a fuck!
649
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:55,089
"Let me tell you something, nigga.
650
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:56,571
"You're gonna get your shit together,
651
00:35:56,600 --> 00:35:58,602
"or you're gonna get out!"
652
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,241
She's a fucking psychopath, man.
653
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:05,247
Crazy women always
wanna tell you what you did.
654
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:07,129
They always wanna run down the story.
655
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:12,570
"Let me tell you why you fucked up.
656
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:16,247
"Last night, you come in here, you're a
little drunk, you're a little tipsy.
657
00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:17,841
"You start to go to sleep on the couch.
658
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,565
"You take your pants off,
you put your pants on the floor.
659
00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:25,441
"Something told me, something told me,
660
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:28,730
"something was like,
Girl, go through his pants.
661
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,406
"I was like, 'All right."
662
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:32,886
That's the crazy girl face.
663
00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:34,286
"All right."
664
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:38,006
"So, I get up, I go through your pants,
I found a receipt.
665
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:40,811
"You had a receipt
in your pants for some gas.
666
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:43,810
"But it wasn't any old kind of gas,
it was regular gas.
667
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:49,284
"That's funny, I'm with you all the time.
I've never seen you use regular gas."
668
00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:50,566
Ladies, let me ask you a question.
669
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:53,291
Why is it that whenever you're arguing
with your man and you repeat yourself,
670
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:56,648
the second time you say it, you get
loud as shit as if you solved the case?
671
00:36:56,680 --> 00:37:01,527
"That's funny,
I've never seen you use regular gas.
672
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:06,243
"I've never seen you
use regular gas!
673
00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:08,967
"You know who put
the regular gas in the car?
674
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:11,207
"That regular bitch that you was with.
675
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:14,523
"That's who put the regular gas in the car.
676
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:18,525
"Shut your ass up! Shut up! You're caught.
You're a piece of shit!
677
00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:20,648
"Look at you!
You got glitter all on your face.
678
00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:22,006
"Mismatched socks!"
679
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:24,486
Now, ladies,
let me explain something to you.
680
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:29,890
99% of the time, you're right.
681
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:33,243
That 1% when you're wrong,
that's the day that men live for.
682
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:36,608
We live for the day
that we can make you look dumb as shit.
683
00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:38,728
That's our goal as men.
684
00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:42,123
I'mma tell you three words that you never
wanna hear come out of your man's mouth.
685
00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,009
If your man ever hit you
with these words, shut up.
686
00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:46,208
Don't say shit,
he's about to make you look stupid.
687
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:47,884
If you're going off, you're snapping,
688
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,281
"Shut the fuck up.
You're a piece of shit. I hate you."
689
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:55,007
If he hit you with this right here,
690
00:37:56,280 --> 00:38:00,410
"Are you done? Are you done?"
691
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:04,644
He get cocky. "Are you done?
692
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,407
"Are you done? Okay. Okay.
693
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:11,530
"I'm about to shit on this bitch right now.
694
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,849
"Are you done?
You're done, right? You're done, right?
695
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:18,243
"Are you done? Are you done? Okay, okay.
696
00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:22,325
"I'm laughing, I'm laughing because
you don't even know what happened.
697
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,528
"See, last night, you
was the one at the club
698
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:27,285
"that started to drink
a whole bottle of Patron by yourself.
699
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:29,169
"You're the one that
passed out in the club.
700
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:32,449
"I'm the one that picked you up, carried
you out of the club, put you in the car.
701
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:35,569
"We got in the car, we started driving
home, I realized I lost my wallet.
702
00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:38,564
"I said, 'Damn, babe, we need gas.
I don't have my wallet.
703
00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:39,766
"'You got any money on you?
704
00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:43,606
"You said, in a very drunk voice,
I got three dollars.
705
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:47,651
"I said, 'What the fuck
are we supposed to do with three dollars?
706
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:53,324
"You said, 'We gonna put some regular gas
up in this motherfucker.
707
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:56,404
"I said, 'Fine.
We put the regular gas in the car,
708
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:59,161
"I drive home fast, 'cause
I didn't wanna run out of the regular gas.
709
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:02,522
"When we got home, you felt sick
because of the way I was driving.
710
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,682
"You fucking went upstairs,
you start throwing up.
711
00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:07,604
"I got naked, I got into bed.
I kept my socks on, though.
712
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:11,207
"First of all, you know I sleep with
my socks on because I got ugly feet.
713
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:13,841
"I'm insecure about my feet.
714
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:17,129
"My fear is, if I don't sleep with
socks on, we're gonna get robbed.
715
00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:19,965
"And whoever has the gun is gonna
look at my feet and they're gonna be like,
716
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,651
"'Oh, shit. Ew!' Barn!
717
00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:24,449
"Shoot me in the fucking foot.
718
00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,887
"I'm gonna have another
ugly-ass goddamn foot.
719
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:28,530
"So you start calling me.
720
00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:31,570
"You's like,
'Kev, come help me. I'm throwing up.
721
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:34,331
"I come running to the bathroom,
you got throw-up all over the floor.
722
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:38,007
"I stepped in it, ew,
took my sock off, I put your sock on.
723
00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:40,287
"That's why my sock got a ball
on the back of it.
724
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:42,288
"Picked you up, put you on my shoulder.
725
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:43,890
"The reason why I got glitter on my face,
726
00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:46,725
"it's because you use
that cheap-ass glitter lotion on your ass.
727
00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:48,000
"So when I held you like this,
728
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:50,361
"your ass was rubbing against
the side of my goddamn face.
729
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:52,124
"Ran in the room, I threw you in the bed.
730
00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:54,402
"I didn't get into bed,
'cause you smelled like throw-up.
731
00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:56,562
"I'm not getting in the bed
with nobody that smells like throw-up.
732
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,450
"You know why I'm not getting in the bed
with nobody who smells like throw-up?
733
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,369
"'Cause it's gonna make me
fucking throw up!
734
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:04,649
"So I went downstairs,
I slept on the couch.
735
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,041
"With that being said,
don't say shit else to me.
736
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:09,088
"You're wrong! I'm out!"
737
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,811
This face that women make is priceless.
738
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:17,167
"It's not even like that.
Listen, come here, it's not even...
739
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:18,565
"I don't even wanna debate...
740
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,608
"Listen, come here, let me suck your dick.
741
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:22,560
"I wanna suck your dick.
742
00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:26,162
"Let me suck your dick while the
football game is on, for the whole game.
743
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,521
"I'm gonna suck your dick
for the whole game."
744
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:32,007
Men are so stupid,
we'd be in the middle of storming out.
745
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:34,560
"For the whole game?
You would do it for the whole game?
746
00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:39,089
"For half-time and everything?
You're gonna suck it for the whole game?
747
00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:41,049
"Deal. You got a goddamn deal.
748
00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:45,005
"Well, you better get to sucking right now,
'cause it's a long game."
749
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:50,526
Now, here's my advice to you, fellas.
750
00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:55,088
If your woman is going through
that insecure period
751
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:57,527
where she's questioning you,
she's going through your shit,
752
00:40:57,640 --> 00:40:58,880
my advice is, stop her.
753
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,042
"Babe, stop, whatever you're looking for,
don't look anymore.
754
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,361
"You're right, I'm wrong.
I need to do better."
755
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:04,731
The reason I say do that is because
756
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:09,124
you don't wanna see your woman
go through that crazy point of no return.
757
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,009
See, I've seen a woman get here.
It's unattractive.
758
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:12,206
The reason why it's unattractive
759
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:14,448
is 'cause when a woman
reaches a certain level of crazy,
760
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,364
she doesn't know that she's being crazy.
761
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:19,569
Everybody else knows.
Everybody else sees it.
762
00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:22,246
"Hey, that bitch in the corner
with the diaper on her face
763
00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:23,481
"is fucking crazy, yo.
764
00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:25,324
"She's fucking crazy. She's a psychopath."
765
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:27,084
Everybody else knows except her.
766
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:30,966
Here's the thing, I was in that situation.
I saw a woman get crazy.
767
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,407
Let me tell you how I knew
this one chick went wild, okay?
768
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:35,761
We're in the house one day,
arguing, all fucking day.
769
00:41:35,800 --> 00:41:37,086
Gets to the point where I'm like,
"You know what,
770
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:39,407
"I can't argue with you no more.
My head hurts. I'm done.
771
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:40,965
"I'm getting in the shower.
I'm getting dressed.
772
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:42,087
"I'm going to the store."
773
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:43,889
True story, people.
Exactly what I do.
774
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:46,764
Get in the shower, get dressed,
get in my car, start driving to the store.
775
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,081
On the way to the store,
I hit a speed bump.
776
00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:51,600
When I hit the speed bump,
I hear a lot of noise in the trunk.
777
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,531
Boom! Ba-dum-doo! Boom!
778
00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:57,527
"That's weird, I ain't
put shit in the trunk.
779
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,285
"What the fuck is all that noise
in the goddamn trunk?"
780
00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:02,971
I'm small. I get scared fast.
781
00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:06,971
So I get out of the car, I pop the trunk,
this is some true shit.
782
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:08,445
I pop the trunk. When I pop the trunk,
783
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:12,445
this bitch was stooped down
in the trunk like this, looking at me.
784
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:15,444
I see her in the goddamn trunk.
785
00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:19,286
I see her see me see her
in the goddamn trunk.
786
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:21,966
"I just caught you in the trunk of my car.
787
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:26,210
"You gotta say something
to justify what the fuck I'm looking at.
788
00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:28,647
"What the fuck are you doing
in the goddamn trunk?"
789
00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:32,008
With a straight face,
she looks at me, jumps out of the trunk,
790
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:34,367
rolls her eyes and takes off,
as if I never saw her.
791
00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:38,565
Now, let me tell you why I had an attitude.
792
00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:41,246
I had an attitude because we live together.
793
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:44,403
Like, "I'm gonna see you tonight.
794
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:47,808
"We have to address this
at some point in time."
795
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:50,804
I said, "No, fuck that.
We're gonna talk about this right now."
796
00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:53,923
I get in the car, I drive home.
Here's where it gets crazier.
797
00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:57,368
When I get home,
she in the kitchen cooking, right?
798
00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:00,330
I walk in the house, she said,
"Hey, babe, you hungry?"
799
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:01,521
"Bitch, what the...
800
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:04,645
"Oh!
801
00:43:05,720 --> 00:43:07,245
"I don't wanna talk about no goddamn food.
802
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:09,004
"I wanna talk about why I popped the trunk
803
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:12,328
"and you popped out of the goddamn trunk
like a goddamn Jack-in-the-box.
804
00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:15,051
"The fuck were you doing
in the goddamn trunk?"
805
00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:19,523
With a straight face, she looked at me,
she said, "I wasn't in no goddamn trunk."
806
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:25,761
"Bitch, I saw you see me see you
in the goddamn trunk."
807
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:27,763
"You ain't see me in no goddamn trunk.
808
00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:30,286
"You must have saw one of them other
bitches you've been fucking with,
809
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:32,931
"goddamn trunk, nigga!"
810
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:38,045
It messed me up so bad, I started thinking.
I was like...
811
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,489
"Did I have another bitch in the trunk?
I might have...
812
00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:46,887
"Oh, no, I might have put
another bitch in the trunk
813
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:49,247
"and forgot she was in the trunk."
814
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:53,288
These are real-life situations.
815
00:43:53,400 --> 00:43:56,563
And after something like that happens,
every man's reaction is the same.
816
00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:59,041
We all say the same shit,
we all do the same shit.
817
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:00,485
"I ain't getting with no crazy-ass woman.
818
00:44:00,560 --> 00:44:02,449
"Ain't no way in hell
I'm getting with a crazy-ass woman.
819
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:03,641
"I'd rather be with myself."
820
00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:05,887
That's what you do, you
live the single life.
821
00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:07,729
Single life is amazing at first.
822
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:10,121
Reason why it's amazing is because
every night, you're with your boys,
823
00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:12,601
you're drinking, you're meeting women,
having a good time.
824
00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:16,002
Reality doesn't hit you about
how bad the single life is
825
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,321
until you call your friends to go out,
and on that night,
826
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:20,840
none of your friends are available,
'cause they're out with their women.
827
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:22,285
That's when reality hits you.
828
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:24,249
"Yo, what up, boy?
What you want to do tonight?"
829
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:25,566
"Oh, man, I ain't doing nothing.
830
00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:28,763
"It's cupcake Tuesdays.
"Me and my lady, we're making cupcakes.
831
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,040
"Red velvet.
I get to lick the bowl and everything."
832
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:33,606
"'Lick the bowl'?
Man, get the fuck off my phone."
833
00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:36,286
"Hey, don't be mad at me
'cause you ain't got no bowl to lick."
834
00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:37,925
"What?"
835
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:39,684
Then you start to rethink
your whole decision.
836
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:42,604
"Damn. Did I have a good woman?
837
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,524
"Shit, man. I might have had a good woman.
838
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,443
"You know what,
I need to get my lady back."
839
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:50,285
Thing is, you can't go back the way you left.
You gotta reinvent yourself.
840
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:53,728
You gotta make it look like you're
making an effort to get your woman back.
841
00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:55,649
Here's how dumb I am. This is what I do.
842
00:44:55,720 --> 00:44:56,767
I come back.
843
00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:58,768
"Babe, I got an idea. It's gonna be great.
844
00:44:58,840 --> 00:45:00,808
"It's gonna put the spark back
in our relationship.
845
00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:02,205
"It's gonna make us fall in love, okay?
846
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:04,720
"We've never done it.
Let's do it for the first time together.
847
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:06,728
"We should both take ecstasy one time.
848
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,007
"We should pop the pill.
Hear me out. Hear me out.
849
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:10,684
"It's an emotional drug, okay?
850
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:11,807
"It's gonna make us talk.
851
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:13,490
"We're gonna have sex.
It's gonna be the best."
852
00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:15,284
She said, "Fine, let's do it."
853
00:45:15,560 --> 00:45:19,167
She takes the pill.
Her pill gives her all the right reactions.
854
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:22,484
I take the pill. My pill...
855
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:24,050
Okay. MY...
856
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,650
My pill made me believe
that I was a drug dealer.
857
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:29,521
This is some real shit.
858
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:32,401
I wish I was making this shit up.
I can't make this up, people.
859
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:34,369
I don't know where it came from. I snapped.
860
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:35,680
We were talking. She was like,
861
00:45:35,760 --> 00:45:38,491
"Babe, I just wanna be happy.
I want the disrespect to stop."
862
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:40,881
"Let me tell you something,
you're worried about fucking disrespect?
863
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:42,371
"That's what you're worried about? Hmm?
864
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:43,566
"What you need to be worried about
865
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:46,564
"is how I'm gonna deliver
this kilo of cocaine to fucking Pablo."
866
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:48,808
She was like, "What?
What're you talking about?"
867
00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:50,285
"Girl, what the hell
do you think I'm talking about?
868
00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:54,006
"Where you think all this money come from?
Jokes? Is that what you think? Huh?
869
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:58,163
"You think I'm out here
making funny money? Is that it?
870
00:45:58,520 --> 00:45:59,521
"Huh?
871
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:00,921
"Bitch, I'm in the game.
872
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:03,162
"I'm out here in the fucking streets. Okay?
873
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:07,126
"I gotta cook it, cut it, bake it, boop!
Fly that shit."
874
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:09,771
She was like,
"Oh, my God, what about the kids?"
875
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,126
"Fuck them kids, bitch.
876
00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:14,249
"I'm out here riding around
and getting it, bird gang.
877
00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:17,690
"You don't even know my life, bitch."
878
00:46:17,720 --> 00:46:19,882
Listen, let me tell you
how messed up I was.
879
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:22,691
I was ass naked,
walking around the house like this.
880
00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,002
In my mind, this was a gun.
881
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:28,886
I really believed that my hand was a gun.
882
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,122
I was making threats. I said,
"Let me tell you something.
883
00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:35,046
"If anybody on the block
try to touch my product,
884
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:37,566
"chitty, chitty, bang, bang,
niggas gonna die."
885
00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:41,803
She was like, "Calm down, calm down."
886
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:43,609
This was how I knew
she was fucked up.
887
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:46,763
This was how I knew she was fucked up.
'Cause I turn around like this, right?
888
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:49,081
She was like, "Don't shoot me."
889
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:51,851
"Ain't nobody gonna shoot you.
890
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:54,201
"I got the safety on.
You need to fucking chill out."
891
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:58,531
Y'all are laughing?
I'm being serious. I was messed up.
892
00:46:58,560 --> 00:47:00,130
I tried to fuck a beanbag that night.
893
00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:02,921
I was ass naked on the beanbag
894
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:05,241
for two hours, doing this shit by myself.
895
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:13,721
I was sweating, but I didn't know it was me.
I thought it was the beanbag.
896
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:17,082
I was like, "Oh, this
beanbag's wet as shit.
897
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:21,162
"This beanbag's
about to get this long dick.
898
00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:23,163
"That's what you're gonna get, beanbag.
899
00:47:23,240 --> 00:47:26,164
"You're gonna learn today, beanbag.
You hear me?
900
00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:28,442
"You will learn today."
901
00:47:29,720 --> 00:47:31,848
That's an old chapter of my life, people.
902
00:47:31,920 --> 00:47:33,729
Right now, I'm in a new chapter.
903
00:47:33,760 --> 00:47:36,206
In this chapter, reality has hit.
904
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:38,886
Reality is, I'm single. Fucking dating.
905
00:47:38,920 --> 00:47:40,206
I can do what I want now.
906
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:42,886
Now, here's the scary thing
about dating for me.
907
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,041
I believe in karma.
908
00:47:44,120 --> 00:47:47,010
Whatever you do in life is gonna come
full circle at some point in time.
909
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:48,411
I know it is, okay?
910
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:51,330
My fear is, I'm gonna fuck around
and fall in love, and I'm gonna get hurt.
911
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:54,927
When I think about getting hurt, I think
about the ultimate level of getting hurt.
912
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,964
Like, I'm gonna try to surprise my lady
on her lunch break.
913
00:47:58,040 --> 00:48:01,965
She would be in the car giving some
dude head, I'm fucking around to see it.
914
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:03,605
Now, I know I'm not strong
enough to deal with that.
915
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:04,971
I'm too emotional. I break down.
916
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:08,647
Hmm. "No, no, no,
no, no, no, no. No.
917
00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:12,247
"Pick your head up.
Don't finish. Don't finish it.
918
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:15,247
"Jesus, take the wheel, please."
919
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,689
I know I can't deal with it.
Some men are. Some men can.
920
00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:22,280
Some men are strong enough
to catch their woman in a sexual act,
921
00:48:22,320 --> 00:48:23,481
like giving another man head,
922
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:27,042
to the point where they can go up to the
car, open the car door and say one sentence.
923
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:29,964
In that sentence, they'll let a woman know
how much he loved her,
924
00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:33,322
how bad she hurt him and where he is
mentally, and he can walk off.
925
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:34,765
Some men can pull it off.
926
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:38,006
"You know what,
I loved you the best that I could.
927
00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:39,206
"What I could do, I did.
928
00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:42,489
"What I didn't do, I tried. Fuck it."
929
00:48:42,520 --> 00:48:44,284
He'll walk Off. She'll feel bad.
930
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:45,526
"Why am I doing this?
931
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:47,201
"I don't wanna do it no more."
932
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:51,684
Did you get it? That was the dick.
Did you guys get it?
933
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:54,047
This was the dick.
Did you get it, you got it? All right.
934
00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:57,931
Some men are different.
935
00:48:58,000 --> 00:49:00,526
Some men are killers.
Some men are thugs all the time.
936
00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:02,443
"No, fuck that! Fuck that!
937
00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:04,761
"If I see my girl in the car
giving some dude head,
938
00:49:04,840 --> 00:49:07,889
"I'm gonna go up to the car, I'm gonna
grab him, drag him out of the car,
939
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:09,041
"I'm gonna beat the shit out of the dude."
940
00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:10,565
That's how some men feel.
941
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:13,041
Would you do that, man?
Chainz, would you fuck him up?
942
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:15,523
You'd whoop his ass?
943
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:17,967
You're gonna fight the guy
with his dick out?
944
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:21,205
His dick is out. This
guy's got the hard dick.
945
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:23,521
That's the wrong answer, Chainz.
I don't like that answer.
946
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:24,641
I don't think you thought about it.
947
00:49:24,720 --> 00:49:26,245
Should've thought it through.
His fucking dick is out.
948
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:28,641
I can't fight a dude with a hard dick.
It's not gonna happen.
949
00:49:28,720 --> 00:49:29,881
The reason why is 'cause I'm small.
950
00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:33,487
When I fight, I gotta get low.
I gotta get your legs.
951
00:49:33,560 --> 00:49:37,042
If your dick is out, at some point in time,
that's gonna cause a problem for me.
952
00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:38,400
At some point in time.
953
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:41,324
"Yo, you got my girl out here
in a fucking car?
954
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:42,890
"Hmm? Huh? Nigga?"
955
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:59,085
Yo, you're gonna
lose your fucking mind
956
00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:02,926
if a man's dick hit your head in front of
a group of people watching the fight.
957
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:05,048
You're gonna do some shit
you never thought you would do.
958
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:06,560
You're gonna fuck around and grab it.
959
00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:15,887
You're gonna say some shit
you never thought you would say,
960
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:18,764
"I'm gonna rip it off!
961
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:21,525
"This dick is coming with me!
962
00:50:21,600 --> 00:50:24,809
"This is my dick! I got two dicks now!"
963
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:32,205
Yo, if you grab a dude's dick in a fight,
you gotta kill yourself that night.
964
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:35,523
You have to die that night.
You can't go on living.
965
00:50:35,600 --> 00:50:36,965
'Cause for the rest of your life,
966
00:50:37,040 --> 00:50:40,726
you're gonna be known as the dude who
grabbed the dude's dick that day in a fight.
967
00:50:40,800 --> 00:50:43,371
"There goes the dude who grabbed
that dude's dick that day in a fight."
968
00:50:43,440 --> 00:50:45,761
"What was I supposed to do?
The dick was on my head."
969
00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:48,883
"Hey, man, get your dick-grabbing
ass out of here, man.
970
00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:51,281
"Nobody trying to talk
to you, dick grabber."
971
00:50:54,240 --> 00:50:56,686
Look, I had a thought
the other day that scared me.
972
00:50:56,760 --> 00:51:00,890
I thought about the fact that my kids
are eventually gonna have a stepdad.
973
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:02,803
That's kind of scary to me.
I'm gonna tell you why.
974
00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:07,801
I start thinking to myself like, "What if
I can't physically beat the stepdad?"
975
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:09,206
'Cause I know I'm not gonna like the guy.
976
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:11,169
Small problems
are gonna become big problems.
977
00:51:11,200 --> 00:51:12,770
So in my mind, shit will happen.
978
00:51:12,880 --> 00:51:15,645
Like, one day I call the house
and in the background, I hear,
979
00:51:15,720 --> 00:51:18,246
"I said, 'Put the dishes in the sink."'
980
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:23,770
But in my mind, what I heard was, "You
and your dad can suck my dick in the sink."
981
00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:32,051
I gotta fight. I gotta fucking fight now.
982
00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:33,167
Because I've thought about it.
983
00:51:33,240 --> 00:51:35,163
I wanna be prepared for this day,
if it ever happens.
984
00:51:35,240 --> 00:51:37,322
So right now,
I'm currently taking self-defense class.
985
00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:39,124
All right, this is no bullshit.
This is not a joke.
986
00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:41,083
It's the wrong time to mess with me.
I know a lot of shit.
987
00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:44,761
My teacher just taught me
how to take a gun out of somebody's hand.
988
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:46,490
Like, if somebody
points a gun at me like this,
989
00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:50,844
I'm trained to grab your wrist, bend it,
take the gun, point it right back at you.
990
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:53,009
No bullshit.
I do it all the time in class.
991
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:55,042
I'm the best.
992
00:51:55,120 --> 00:51:57,761
It's at a point where I had a conversation
with my friends, I said,
993
00:51:57,840 --> 00:52:01,526
"Look, dude, if we out and somebody
pulls a gun out, let me handle it, okay?
994
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:05,047
"I'm the only one here
that's trained for this type of combat."
995
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:08,011
He was like, "You sure?"
I said, "Trust me, I'm sure."
996
00:52:08,040 --> 00:52:09,121
Here's how funny life is.
997
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:11,771
We're walking out of the club, right?
I'm a little tipsy.
998
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:14,241
I get to the car,
this guy comes from behind the car.
999
00:52:14,320 --> 00:52:16,004
He'd ducked down, he had a gun.
1000
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:20,011
He was like, "Everybody get naked.
Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it."
1001
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:22,441
All my friends got scared
and started getting naked.
1002
00:52:22,520 --> 00:52:25,046
I was calm.
I'm standing there, I'm looking at him.
1003
00:52:25,160 --> 00:52:28,721
I'm even laughing a little bit,
'cause in my mind, I'm like,
1004
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:34,011
"You don't even know
what I'm trained to do."
1005
00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:35,889
Right? That's what I'm thinking, right?
1006
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:37,001
So he got mad, he says,
1007
00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:40,971
"You think it's a game, little nigga?
Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it."
1008
00:52:41,040 --> 00:52:43,805
And it scared me, because my teacher
1009
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:48,602
only taught me to take guns
from people holding it like this.
1010
00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:51,445
He had it like this. I've never seen that.
1011
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:53,688
We never worked on that in class.
1012
00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:55,762
So I didn't know what to do.
So I got naked.
1013
00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:58,446
I did exactly what he said. I got naked.
1014
00:52:58,520 --> 00:52:59,646
My friends were like, "Do something."
1015
00:52:59,720 --> 00:53:03,964
I was like, "I can't. He's a killer.
He's the real deal. This guy's the real deal."
1016
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:06,042
I got security after that.
1017
00:53:06,560 --> 00:53:08,608
Actually, that's a lie. That's a lie.
I didn't get security after that.
1018
00:53:08,680 --> 00:53:11,684
I tried to hire my friend,
Wayne, as my security guard.
1019
00:53:11,760 --> 00:53:14,127
Reason why is because
Wayne was big as shit.
1020
00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:16,242
So I was like, "Why would
I fucking pay somebody else
1021
00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:17,520
"when I can give you that extra money?
1022
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:21,286
"You ain't got to fight nobody, just look
like you would if something were to happen."
1023
00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:22,441
He's like, "All right, I'll do it."
1024
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:25,603
I said, "Done. You're hired.
You're my security guard."
1025
00:53:25,720 --> 00:53:29,042
Um... Here's why Wayne got fired.
Let me tell you why.
1026
00:53:29,120 --> 00:53:32,647
We were at a club, right? This guy
pulls out a gun, shoots it in the air.
1027
00:53:32,720 --> 00:53:35,451
Bop! "Fuck all these
bitches!" I got scared.
1028
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:37,289
"Wayne, what should we do?"
1029
00:53:37,400 --> 00:53:40,882
With a straight face,
Wayne said, "Play dead."
1030
00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:42,962
I said, "What? What'd you say?"
1031
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:46,083
He wouldn't answer me back
'cause he was in character. He said...
1032
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:51,640
"Wayne!
1033
00:53:52,760 --> 00:53:56,003
"Wayne! Wayne!"
1034
00:53:56,040 --> 00:53:59,328
He gonna go,
"You better shut up before you get shot."
1035
00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:01,643
What the fuck?
1036
00:54:02,360 --> 00:54:05,011
After that, I hired this guy named Steve.
1037
00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:07,088
Now, Steve was the real deal, people.
Let me tell you why.
1038
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:09,288
Steve made me feel like a star.
1039
00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:11,482
We went places, Steve moved the crowd.
1040
00:54:11,600 --> 00:54:13,170
"Everybody move! Move!
1041
00:54:13,240 --> 00:54:14,969
"Watch out, Mr. Hart's coming through."
1042
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:17,890
I never had to look behind me.
Steve always had my back.
1043
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:21,846
Steve got fired, because we was at a
club one day, I'm at VIP section, right?
1044
00:54:21,920 --> 00:54:24,810
VIP is separated from the dance floor
by a velvet rope.
1045
00:54:24,840 --> 00:54:26,444
I'm standing behind a velvet rope.
1046
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:28,602
I say, "Steve,
I've got to go to the bathroom."
1047
00:54:28,680 --> 00:54:30,400
The guy operating the velvet rope moves it.
1048
00:54:30,440 --> 00:54:33,842
Me and Steve walk to the bathroom.
I use it, I get done, we come back.
1049
00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:36,003
The guy operating the velvet rope
was talking.
1050
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:38,850
That's fine, I'm patient.
I'll wait till he's done.
1051
00:54:38,960 --> 00:54:41,361
Steve felt like I shouldn't have to wait.
1052
00:54:41,440 --> 00:54:47,004
Steve decided to pick me up
and place me over the goddamn rope.
1053
00:54:47,040 --> 00:54:48,724
Let me tell you something, people.
1054
00:54:48,760 --> 00:54:53,209
I've never felt more like a
bitch in my life.
1055
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:56,204
I was like, "Steve, no,
don't do this, please."
1056
00:54:56,280 --> 00:54:57,361
My back leg came up.
1057
00:54:57,400 --> 00:54:58,970
"Look at me.
Look what you're making me do.
1058
00:54:59,040 --> 00:55:01,964
"Stop, Steve.
You're fucking fired, man."
1059
00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:04,964
After that, I hired these two ex-cops
turned security guards.
1060
00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:06,690
Now, these guys were very professional.
1061
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:08,961
My problem with them
was that they were too professional.
1062
00:55:09,040 --> 00:55:13,204
Like, their level of security was
way too advanced for my level of celebrity.
1063
00:55:13,240 --> 00:55:16,084
Like, I don't know who
they thought I thought I was.
1064
00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:20,006
I don't know where the miscommunication
came, but it was too much.
1065
00:55:20,080 --> 00:55:22,651
Like, we go to Applebee's.
True story.
1066
00:55:22,720 --> 00:55:25,246
Fucking Applebee's, okay?
1067
00:55:25,320 --> 00:55:27,800
There's a empty booth.
I go slide in the booth.
1068
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:34,043
That's how I slide in the booth.
I love Applebee's.
1069
00:55:34,120 --> 00:55:37,169
Applebee's, Applebee's, Applebee's.
1070
00:55:37,240 --> 00:55:39,049
So I'm in the booth, right?
1071
00:55:39,080 --> 00:55:40,570
I'm sitting next to the window.
1072
00:55:40,600 --> 00:55:42,250
He goes, "Kevin, switch seats with me.
1073
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:43,725
"I don't want you sitting
next to the window."
1074
00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:44,841
I said, "Why not?"
1075
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:47,446
He said, "There might be a sniper outside."
1076
00:55:52,920 --> 00:55:55,002
"Looking for who?
1077
00:55:55,120 --> 00:55:58,283
"Ain't no sniper looking
for me at no fucking Applebee's. No.
1078
00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:01,688
"I'm not at the sniper level in my career.
I'm not there yet.
1079
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:06,209
"Like, you probably gotta worry
about a dude putting his dick on the glass.
1080
00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:10,289
"That's my level.
I'm at the dick-on-the-glass level.
1081
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:13,926
"That's my level."
1082
00:56:13,960 --> 00:56:17,123
Like, the shit that I'm afraid of,
people don't think about.
1083
00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:18,241
I'm gonna tell you what I'm terrified of.
1084
00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:20,601
Y'all are gonna think I'm crazy,
but I'm gonna tell you anyway.
1085
00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:24,850
Scariest shit in the world to me
are bum hands.
1086
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:28,601
A bum's hands are the scariest shit ever.
1087
00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:30,051
You could say I'm crazy all you want.
1088
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:32,043
I'm willing to bet you all
any amount of money right now,
1089
00:56:32,120 --> 00:56:33,963
if y'all walk outside after this show,
1090
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:39,126
and a bum comes up to you and flicks your
lip, bet money you'd kill yourself tonight.
1091
00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:42,642
Bet whatever you wanna bet
that you'd fucking kill yourself tonight.
1092
00:56:42,840 --> 00:56:46,561
If you walk outside after this show
and a bum comes up to you,
1093
00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:48,085
"Give me a dollar, man." "What?"
1094
00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:49,640
"Man, you better give me a fucking...
1095
00:56:50,240 --> 00:56:52,004
"Give me a fucking dollar, man."
1096
00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:00,129
"What happened, man? He shoot you?"
1097
00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:02,845
"Motherfucker flicked my lip, man."
1098
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:07,127
Oh, my God! That's the scariest shit ever.
1099
00:57:07,160 --> 00:57:10,289
Like, you gotta get rid of that lip.
You can't keep that lip.
1100
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:13,762
That lip's gotta go. You gotta buy a new lip.
I don't even know where to get lips.
1101
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:18,489
What would you do if you got jumped
by three homeless people,
1102
00:57:18,520 --> 00:57:20,329
and they held you down?
1103
00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:21,930
"Get off of me. What is this about?"
1104
00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:25,203
And then the leader come out, and you see
him like this. And he...
1105
00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:31,682
Oh, my God.
You know how dirty his hands are?
1106
00:57:31,720 --> 00:57:34,087
Oh, my fucking God.
1107
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:39,207
That'll be the quickest bump that you've
ever gotten in your fucking life.
1108
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:44,366
Pow! Bump! That fucking fast.
You gotta explain it.
1109
00:57:44,720 --> 00:57:46,768
"Hey, man, is that a fucking herpy?"
1110
00:57:47,040 --> 00:57:49,407
"Mmm-mmm. It's a bum bump."
"What?"
1111
00:57:51,360 --> 00:57:53,522
"What the fuck is a bum bump, man?"
1112
00:57:53,840 --> 00:57:59,244
A bum... A bum...
1113
00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:09,081
Hold on, hold on.
1114
00:58:09,120 --> 00:58:11,088
I gotta get it out. I gotta get it out.
1115
00:58:11,160 --> 00:58:13,242
Hold on. Hold on.
1116
00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:16,244
"What the fuck is that, man?"
1117
00:58:16,320 --> 00:58:17,526
"it's a bum bump."
1118
00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:19,722
"How the fuck
you let a bum touch your lip?"
1119
00:58:20,160 --> 00:58:22,001
"I thought he was trying
to tell me a secret."
1120
00:58:22,240 --> 00:58:26,325
"What? What the fuck
was a bum trying to tell you?"
1121
00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:28,688
"He tricked me. He was like, 'Hey, man.'
1122
00:58:28,760 --> 00:58:30,922
"I said, 'Huh?' He got me. That's..."
1123
00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:37,606
Get fire on these bitches one time, man.
1124
00:58:42,840 --> 00:58:45,764
A fucking bum bump. Watch...
1125
00:58:45,840 --> 00:58:48,002
Watch how y'all look at bums
when y'all leave the show.
1126
00:58:48,080 --> 00:58:49,570
Watch...
1127
00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:52,969
Watch how defensive y'all are.
1128
00:58:53,040 --> 00:58:54,804
"Excuse me, man,
can you spare some change?"
1129
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:56,884
"Nigga, what the...
1130
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:00,806
"Hey, man, you better get
your ass out of here, nigga.
1131
00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:04,566
"You out here trying to flick lips, cuz?
1132
00:59:04,640 --> 00:59:06,802
"You out here trying to give
a nigga a bum bump, nigga?
1133
00:59:06,840 --> 00:59:08,649
"I know what you're...
1134
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:13,049
"You ain't gonna give me
no bum bump, nigga.
1135
00:59:13,120 --> 00:59:15,407
"You better get the fuck out of here, man.
1136
00:59:15,480 --> 00:59:16,970
"Knock your ass out, man.
1137
00:59:17,040 --> 00:59:20,249
"I don't want no bum bump.
1138
00:59:20,360 --> 00:59:23,284
"No, he got my nigga like that.
He told him a secret.
1139
00:59:23,320 --> 00:59:27,166
"My nigga leaned in. Mmm.
Fucked his whole shit up.
1140
00:59:27,240 --> 00:59:30,926
"This nigga's shit was all
bum bumpy for, like, two weeks."
1141
00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:36,926
I really believe shit like that can happen.
1142
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:40,129
I'm a weird thinker, people,
I'm a weird thinker.
1143
00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:42,968
I'm glad that I'm a weird thinker, though.
1144
00:59:43,000 --> 00:59:46,322
Me being a weird thinker
has made me a better man.
1145
00:59:46,360 --> 00:59:48,249
It's made me a better father.
1146
00:59:48,320 --> 00:59:50,527
Let me explain how
it's made me a better father, okay?
1147
00:59:50,600 --> 00:59:52,921
Me thinking about my kids
eventually having a stepdad
1148
00:59:53,000 --> 00:59:54,365
is what made me a better father.
1149
00:59:54,440 --> 00:59:57,649
'Cause now, not only is it important
for me to make sure that I'm around,
1150
00:59:57,680 --> 01:00:00,763
but I need them to understand who I am
and what I represent to their lives.
1151
01:00:00,840 --> 01:00:02,922
Now, 'cause I see them so much,
I notice everything.
1152
01:00:03,000 --> 01:00:06,163
Like, my son is at this imagination stage.
1153
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:08,931
Like, I thought the shit was a phase.
It's not. It's not going away.
1154
01:00:09,040 --> 01:00:12,203
Like, my son really thinks
that he's Spider-Man.
1155
01:00:12,240 --> 01:00:13,366
On some real shit.
1156
01:00:13,400 --> 01:00:15,243
And when he gets mad, he webs me.
1157
01:00:17,080 --> 01:00:20,368
Now, because I'm Dad,
I just go along with it.
1158
01:00:20,720 --> 01:00:22,051
Ahhh!
1159
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:24,723
I act like I'm caught.
This is the shit that makes me laugh.
1160
01:00:24,760 --> 01:00:26,361
This is how he releases me from the web.
1161
01:00:28,480 --> 01:00:30,960
And he walks off.
The shit's hilarious.
1162
01:00:31,080 --> 01:00:33,128
Now, it's me and my son, we're bonding.
1163
01:00:33,200 --> 01:00:36,807
See, but as a parent, you don't realize
the effect that you have on your kids.
1164
01:00:36,880 --> 01:00:38,166
Whatever you do in the house,
1165
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:41,010
your kids are gonna mimic
when they're outside the house.
1166
01:00:41,040 --> 01:00:42,485
I learned this lesson the hard way.
1167
01:00:42,560 --> 01:00:44,403
I go pick my son up from camp, right?
1168
01:00:44,440 --> 01:00:48,490
My son is outside arguing
with this little boy over a truck.
1169
01:00:48,560 --> 01:00:49,846
I'm watching. I'm not gonna break it up.
1170
01:00:49,880 --> 01:00:52,280
I want my son to be a boy,
let me see how he handles himself.
1171
01:00:52,680 --> 01:00:54,967
Little boy takes the truck from my son.
1172
01:00:55,040 --> 01:00:58,283
My son gets mad, takes the truck back.
"Mine!"
1173
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:01,330
Little boy comes back,
punches my son in the back of the head.
1174
01:01:02,280 --> 01:01:05,966
My son falls.
This boy starts whooping my son's ass.
1175
01:01:06,400 --> 01:01:09,131
Listen, I don't know who
was training this little boy,
1176
01:01:09,200 --> 01:01:10,361
but they were doing an amazing job.
1177
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:12,129
This boy could fucking fight, okay?
1178
01:01:12,200 --> 01:01:13,201
I'm not gonna break it up.
1179
01:01:13,240 --> 01:01:15,527
I'm gonna let my son take his ass-whooping.
He will learn from it.
1180
01:01:15,600 --> 01:01:17,443
I'm watching.
I see this with my own two eyes.
1181
01:01:17,480 --> 01:01:18,970
My son gets mad, rolls over.
1182
01:01:23,720 --> 01:01:26,087
"What the fuck are you doing, man?
1183
01:01:26,960 --> 01:01:28,724
"It's not real. What are you doing?"
1184
01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:30,686
The parents are looking at me.
1185
01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:33,525
"Why would you teach him that?
Why would you even teach him that?"
1186
01:01:34,400 --> 01:01:37,131
I run over, I grab the
little boy off of my son.
1187
01:01:37,160 --> 01:01:40,721
This is the longest walk back to the car
that I've ever had with my son in my life.
1188
01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:44,247
He just kept looking at his hands.
He was like...
1189
01:01:47,440 --> 01:01:50,125
"I don't know what happened, Dad.
I don't know what happened."
1190
01:01:50,160 --> 01:01:51,241
So I get mad. I'm like,
1191
01:01:51,280 --> 01:01:55,251
"Dude, if somebody's fucking hitting you,
you ball your fists up, you hit him back.
1192
01:01:55,280 --> 01:01:58,568
"You don't let nobody hit you.
You ball your fists up, you hit him back."
1193
01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:00,563
Now, he doesn't like it
when I come down on him.
1194
01:02:00,640 --> 01:02:02,130
So he got mad. He webbed me.
1195
01:02:03,440 --> 01:02:05,442
Now, when he webbed me,
I had a choice to make.
1196
01:02:05,480 --> 01:02:07,721
Do I act like the game
that my son believes in isn't real
1197
01:02:07,760 --> 01:02:10,525
and no longer exists
and fuck his imagination up?
1198
01:02:10,600 --> 01:02:12,841
Or do I allow his imagination
to continue to run wild?
1199
01:02:12,920 --> 01:02:13,921
He's five.
1200
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:15,570
I said,
"I'm gonna let his imagination run wild,"
1201
01:02:15,640 --> 01:02:17,130
act like I was caught. Ah!
1202
01:02:17,960 --> 01:02:19,325
Ahhh!
1203
01:02:19,600 --> 01:02:22,968
This... This is what I heard.
This is what my son said.
1204
01:02:24,640 --> 01:02:26,768
"I had it turned off, Dad."
1205
01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:33,443
Said, "What the fuck is going on here?"
1206
01:02:35,320 --> 01:02:37,607
Look, my kids are hilarious, man.
1207
01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:40,562
I got stories for days about my kids.
1208
01:02:40,640 --> 01:02:42,927
I took my kids horseback riding, right?
1209
01:02:43,000 --> 01:02:44,001
This might have been, like,
1210
01:02:44,080 --> 01:02:46,731
the best worst day that
I've ever had with my kids in my life.
1211
01:02:47,120 --> 01:02:48,963
I wanted to find a place
that was suitable for kids and adults
1212
01:02:49,000 --> 01:02:50,365
so we could make a day out of it.
1213
01:02:50,400 --> 01:02:51,925
I find this ranch, right?
1214
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:55,561
Me, my kids, my brother,
my friends, we all go.
1215
01:02:55,640 --> 01:02:57,529
We get there, they got ponies.
1216
01:02:57,600 --> 01:03:00,410
My kids get on the ponies.
There's a smaller trail at the ranch.
1217
01:03:00,480 --> 01:03:02,281
They ride the ponies
around the smaller trail.
1218
01:03:02,480 --> 01:03:05,086
Me, my brother and my friends,
we go on the big horses.
1219
01:03:05,160 --> 01:03:07,481
We're gonna do the big trail, okay?
1220
01:03:07,520 --> 01:03:09,841
Here's what happened.
Everybody gets on their horses.
1221
01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:12,008
They've got their feet in the stirrups.
They're ready to go.
1222
01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:14,486
I'm last to get on my horse
'cause I was filling out the paperwork,
1223
01:03:14,560 --> 01:03:15,607
I'm paying for this shit.
1224
01:03:15,680 --> 01:03:17,808
I get on my horse. Here's
strike one for me.
1225
01:03:18,200 --> 01:03:21,044
I go to put my feet in the stirrups, right?
1226
01:03:21,880 --> 01:03:23,245
Okay. Okay, this was the problem.
1227
01:03:23,360 --> 01:03:26,443
Like, if I put this foot in,
this foot wasn't going to make it.
1228
01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:29,126
I couldn't get them both in, all right?
1229
01:03:29,240 --> 01:03:32,369
So I tell the guy. I say, "Hey, man,
I think I need smaller stirrups."
1230
01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:34,004
He was like, "Don't worry about it.
You don't need them."
1231
01:03:34,080 --> 01:03:35,570
I was like, "Mmm. Yes, I do.
1232
01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:37,881
"'Cause everybody else has them.
I wanna look like everybody else."
1233
01:03:38,000 --> 01:03:39,843
He was like, "Trust me,
you'll be all right."
1234
01:03:39,880 --> 01:03:42,724
I was like, "I don't trust you.
I wanna look like everybody else."
1235
01:03:43,080 --> 01:03:44,764
He said, "Look,
do you wanna talk to the instructor?"
1236
01:03:44,880 --> 01:03:46,609
I said, "Yes, I'll talk to the instructor."
1237
01:03:46,680 --> 01:03:49,968
Keep in mind,
the instructor is why I chose this ranch.
1238
01:03:50,040 --> 01:03:51,849
This guy is supposed to be a horse guru.
1239
01:03:51,920 --> 01:03:53,729
He was gonna teach us
how to physically control the horse.
1240
01:03:53,760 --> 01:03:55,205
He was gonna teach us
the verbal commands,
1241
01:03:55,240 --> 01:03:57,368
and he personally
was gonna take us on the trail.
1242
01:03:57,880 --> 01:04:01,123
Problem with this guy is
he cannot speak English, people, okay?
1243
01:04:01,200 --> 01:04:02,611
I can't make this shit up.
1244
01:04:02,680 --> 01:04:05,923
This is the speech that he gave
before we started the trail.
1245
01:04:06,000 --> 01:04:08,082
Word for word. He goes,
1246
01:04:08,480 --> 01:04:10,448
"Okay.
1247
01:04:11,400 --> 01:04:13,846
"Okay.
1250
01:04:19,440 --> 01:04:20,851
"Okay.
1251
01:04:23,880 --> 01:04:25,848
"Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm!
1252
01:04:25,920 --> 01:04:28,207
"Like that, kick twice. Mmm!
1253
01:04:28,280 --> 01:04:31,329
"Like that. All right, let's ride."
1254
01:04:34,920 --> 01:04:37,241
"What the fuck did he say?
Did you hear what he said?
1255
01:04:37,880 --> 01:04:40,690
"Hey, man, you gotta say it again for me.
I didn't understand what you said."
1256
01:04:40,760 --> 01:04:41,841
This is how I knew it was bullshit.
1257
01:04:41,920 --> 01:04:43,680
He said the same thing
in the exact same way.
1258
01:04:43,720 --> 01:04:47,486
He said, "Okay. Okay.
1260
01:04:49,640 --> 01:04:52,689
"All right, okay. Okay.
1261
01:04:55,240 --> 01:04:57,402
"Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm!
1262
01:04:57,480 --> 01:04:59,642
"Like that, kick twice. Mmm!
1263
01:04:59,720 --> 01:05:02,291
"Like that. All right, let's ride."
1264
01:05:03,760 --> 01:05:06,570
I said, "We're gonna fucking die.
We're about to die."
1265
01:05:07,240 --> 01:05:09,288
My friend said,
"Kev, stop bitching. Let's just go."
1266
01:05:09,320 --> 01:05:11,163
Keep in mind, I have no stability.
1267
01:05:11,240 --> 01:05:14,130
My feet are just dangling
from the side of the horse.
1268
01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:15,889
I have nothing to hold on to,
1269
01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:19,123
except this little stump thing
in the middle of the fucking saddle.
1270
01:05:19,160 --> 01:05:21,447
I said, "Fine, I ain't gonna say shit else.
Let's go."
1271
01:05:21,520 --> 01:05:23,887
My horse starts to trot.
1272
01:05:23,960 --> 01:05:25,928
He's not running, people. He's trotting.
1273
01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:28,002
I have no balance, so
I'm all over the place.
1274
01:05:28,120 --> 01:05:29,963
I'm like this, right?
1275
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:32,048
My feet kicked the horse in the stomach.
1276
01:05:32,120 --> 01:05:34,930
That's a sign for your horse to speed up.
1277
01:05:35,000 --> 01:05:37,207
My horse takes off.
1278
01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:41,447
Listen to me, people. This nigga took off!
1279
01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:44,361
Now, I'm scared, 'cause
I don't know what to do with my feet.
1280
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:47,364
At one point in time, I panicked,
had my feet on his neck.
1281
01:05:47,440 --> 01:05:50,489
Like, I was like this, right?
I was like this.
1282
01:05:50,520 --> 01:05:52,522
But I couldn't hear shit,
'cause the wind was blowing.
1283
01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:54,722
It was like...
1284
01:05:54,800 --> 01:05:56,245
I hear my friends in the back.
They're like...
1285
01:05:56,320 --> 01:05:58,129
Ohh!
1286
01:05:58,640 --> 01:05:59,721
Oh!
1287
01:05:59,840 --> 01:06:01,365
I don't know what they're saying.
1288
01:06:01,440 --> 01:06:04,649
I assume that they're saying, "Let go."
1289
01:06:04,720 --> 01:06:07,007
That's what I think
they're saying, "Let go."
1290
01:06:07,040 --> 01:06:10,726
So I said, "Fuck it! Jesus,
take the wheel." Right?
1291
01:06:12,040 --> 01:06:14,042
I roll off like a black-ass tumbleweed.
1292
01:06:14,120 --> 01:06:15,246
Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap.
1293
01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:17,642
My... The horse keeps going.
1294
01:06:17,720 --> 01:06:21,122
My friends and my brother, the instructor,
everybody pulls up next to me.
1295
01:06:21,200 --> 01:06:22,531
It's at a point where I'm pissed.
1296
01:06:22,720 --> 01:06:24,802
I'm like, "Yo, I'm not doing
this shit no more. I'm out.
1297
01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:26,405
"Fuck this trail. I'm done.
1298
01:06:26,480 --> 01:06:29,643
"I'm going back, I'm getting my kids,
I'm walking back to the hotel."
1299
01:06:29,720 --> 01:06:32,724
My boy, Spank, was like,
"Kev, you can't fucking walk back.
1300
01:06:32,840 --> 01:06:34,285
"We've been riding for 25 minutes.
1301
01:06:34,360 --> 01:06:36,124
"It's gonna take you, like,
an hour to walk back."
1302
01:06:36,200 --> 01:06:38,362
I said, "Fine." I looked at the instructor,
1303
01:06:38,400 --> 01:06:41,051
I said, "Well, you're gonna take me.
You're gonna take me back right now."
1304
01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:44,641
He puts his arm down like this,
grabs me, pulls me, picks me up,
1305
01:06:44,720 --> 01:06:46,370
puts me on the back of his horse.
1306
01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:49,643
This is why I will never ride a horse
again in my life, people.
1307
01:06:49,720 --> 01:06:53,611
For 25 minutes, for 25 goddamn minutes,
1308
01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:55,927
I'm on the back of this nigga's horse.
1309
01:07:06,240 --> 01:07:08,447
I turn around, my friends think it's funny.
1310
01:07:08,520 --> 01:07:10,488
They're taking pictures, right?
1311
01:07:10,560 --> 01:07:13,131
I said, "Put the camera up!
Put the goddamn camera up!"
1312
01:07:13,200 --> 01:07:16,204
The instructor kicked the horse
in the stomach, the horse starts running.
1313
01:07:16,280 --> 01:07:20,285
He reaches around, grabs my lower back.
He starts pulling me in, right?
1314
01:07:21,560 --> 01:07:25,326
Now, I'm scared, so I can't let go,
so I've got my arms around his stomach.
1315
01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:28,802
I'm fucking the shit
out of this nigga in his back.
1316
01:07:28,880 --> 01:07:32,202
He speed up, I speed up.
I gave him, like, 75 pops.
1317
01:07:34,120 --> 01:07:36,771
The shit that pissed me off,
while I'm in mid-pump,
1318
01:07:36,800 --> 01:07:39,326
he's gonna turn around
and go, "Let's ride."
1319
01:07:39,400 --> 01:07:41,164
I said, "Man, get the fuck off of me."
1320
01:07:41,280 --> 01:07:43,487
New York, it's been real.
My name is Kev Hart.
1321
01:07:43,520 --> 01:07:45,480
I fucking love y'all, man.
1322
01:07:46,240 --> 01:07:49,005
I appreciate you. Thank you.
1323
01:07:49,120 --> 01:07:52,169
Get fire on these bitches
one more time, man.
1324
01:07:52,240 --> 01:07:54,004
Thank you, New York.
1325
01:07:55,080 --> 01:07:56,650
Thank you.
1326
01:07:57,560 --> 01:07:58,925
Thank you.
1327
01:08:01,680 --> 01:08:03,170
Thank you.
1328
01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:07,325
Before I go,
1329
01:08:07,360 --> 01:08:09,761
I'm gonna end on a fucking
1330
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:12,446
note from the heart right now.
1331
01:08:12,840 --> 01:08:17,243
Uh... And I'm gonna try not to be a bitch
and get emotional up here.
1332
01:08:17,360 --> 01:08:20,682
Dude, I am now one of few
1333
01:08:20,760 --> 01:08:26,927
to fucking perform as a standup comedian
in Madison fucking Square Garden.
1334
01:08:30,200 --> 01:08:31,531
Hey..
1335
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:35,044
Listen to me. Listen to me.
1336
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:37,284
You have no idea
1337
01:08:37,360 --> 01:08:41,081
the fucking feeling that I have
going through my body right now, man.
1338
01:08:41,160 --> 01:08:44,687
This is a fucking dream come true.
1339
01:08:50,120 --> 01:08:55,286
Hey, this is a fucking
dream come true, man.
1340
01:08:55,400 --> 01:08:58,722
Thank you for being loyal.
Thank you for growing with me.
1341
01:08:59,320 --> 01:09:01,402
Thank you for fucking enjoying me.
1342
01:09:01,440 --> 01:09:03,886
My name is Kev Hart, I love y'all.
1343
01:09:39,600 --> 01:09:41,602
Hey! Here they come.
1344
01:09:41,680 --> 01:09:43,444
Gather around.
We're about to throw a surprise.
1345
01:09:43,520 --> 01:09:44,567
Here we go.
1346
01:09:44,600 --> 01:09:50,607
I'm gonna take it
I'm gonna break it, hey
1347
01:09:59,000 --> 01:10:01,287
Go round, go round, go round
1348
01:10:01,360 --> 01:10:03,966
Go round, go round, go round
1349
01:10:09,720 --> 01:10:14,681
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
1350
01:10:18,400 --> 01:10:19,731
What?
1351
01:10:21,800 --> 01:10:23,484
Right now, we're gonna beer bike.
1352
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:27,121
For those who don't know what a beer
bike is, it's a bike with beer on it.
1353
01:10:27,240 --> 01:10:28,605
We're about to pedal this bitch.
1354
01:10:28,640 --> 01:10:30,165
Everybody, let's go!/
On three.
1355
01:10:30,280 --> 01:10:31,486
Let's go!/
Pedal!
1356
01:10:31,600 --> 01:10:33,648
Check out the speed bump/
Pedal!
1357
01:10:33,720 --> 01:10:36,291
Whoa! Easy. We off, man.
We easy. We got it.
1358
01:10:36,320 --> 01:10:37,810
Pedal!
1359
01:10:38,640 --> 01:10:39,971
Pedal!
1360
01:10:40,000 --> 01:10:42,082
Halt! Halt on the pedaling.
1361
01:10:42,320 --> 01:10:46,325
Halt! Pedal! Pedal!
1362
01:10:46,400 --> 01:10:47,925
Oh, my God!
1363
01:10:48,080 --> 01:10:50,765
That's right. It's me. This is me, people.
1364
01:10:57,080 --> 01:10:59,447
Go! Go!
1365
01:11:00,480 --> 01:11:02,369
You can't go right here/
Oh, shit!
1366
01:11:02,480 --> 01:11:03,845
We can't go right.
1367
01:11:03,880 --> 01:11:07,441
Oh, shit!
1368
01:11:07,560 --> 01:11:09,289
Yo! What the fuck are y'all doing?
1369
01:11:17,800 --> 01:11:19,928
Oh, my God, Kevin Hart?
1370
01:11:21,280 --> 01:11:23,521
Yo, you got a coloring book?
1371
01:11:24,640 --> 01:11:25,880
Aw!
1372
01:11:26,680 --> 01:11:29,126
Come on, dude/
She just noticed.
1373
01:11:33,520 --> 01:11:35,090
Aw!
1374
01:11:36,320 --> 01:11:37,731
Can I get a picture with you?
1375
01:11:37,800 --> 01:11:40,804
Of course you can get a picture.
Of course you can.
1376
01:11:41,400 --> 01:11:43,368
Got the Michael Jackson fan.
1377
01:11:43,400 --> 01:11:45,721
I wanted to go to your show,
but I don't have money.
1378
01:11:45,800 --> 01:11:47,325
I've got tickets for you.
1379
01:11:47,400 --> 01:11:50,449
Really?/
I've got tickets for you. Yes, I do.
1380
01:11:51,800 --> 01:11:54,371
So if you hit the wickets,
that's bowled.
1381
01:11:54,400 --> 01:11:55,526
Okay/
Out.
1382
01:11:55,560 --> 01:11:59,087
When he throws the wicket,
he hits one bounce, and he hits that wood,
1383
01:11:59,160 --> 01:12:00,721
that person's out?/
Yeah. Out.
1384
01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:06,243
Hey, don't hit me
with that fucking ball, man.
1385
01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,927
You got on all the
protection, Hendrix.
1386
01:12:09,040 --> 01:12:10,565
Except for your face.
1387
01:12:18,320 --> 01:12:21,051
Damn! That's an out. That's an out.
1388
01:12:21,680 --> 01:12:23,967
Here you go. Take it all off/
That's it? That's it?
1389
01:12:24,040 --> 01:12:25,690
You out, man/
That's it for you.
1390
01:12:25,760 --> 01:12:27,330
Why, I didn't get a chance to...
1391
01:12:27,400 --> 01:12:29,448
Well, what the fuck was that?
1392
01:12:30,760 --> 01:12:33,570
Excuse me, sir,
do you know who Kevin Hart is?
1393
01:12:33,600 --> 01:12:34,681
Ma'am?
1394
01:12:34,920 --> 01:12:36,843
All right, these girls
are gonna know me, right here.
1395
01:12:36,920 --> 01:12:38,922
Excuse me, ladies, it's me.
1396
01:12:39,400 --> 01:12:42,847
No, no, it's me. No, no. It's just...
1397
01:12:44,040 --> 01:12:45,963
Damn it! Shit!
1398
01:12:46,040 --> 01:12:47,121
How you doing, sir?
1399
01:12:47,200 --> 01:12:48,804
My name is Kevin Hart.
I'm a famous comedian.
1400
01:12:48,880 --> 01:12:51,087
That's gonna change.
A lot of them are gonna change.
1401
01:12:51,120 --> 01:12:52,724
I'm Kevin Hart. I'm a famous comedian.
1402
01:12:52,800 --> 01:12:54,131
Kevin Hart. Famous...
1403
01:12:54,200 --> 01:12:55,486
How you doing?/
Soul Plane.
1404
01:12:55,560 --> 01:12:56,971
Yes, indeed!
1405
01:12:57,720 --> 01:13:01,645
So everybody in the States that bootlegged
it and didn't think it got anywhere,
1406
01:13:01,720 --> 01:13:03,165
it made it to London, you bitch!
1407
01:13:03,240 --> 01:13:04,810
London, we love you, dawg.
1408
01:13:04,880 --> 01:13:06,803
It was fantastic. I love you, Kevin.
1409
01:13:06,880 --> 01:13:08,848
My boy Kevin Hart ripped it, you done know.
1410
01:13:08,920 --> 01:13:12,641
Listen, Kev, anytime, come down here,
you're welcome. London.
1411
01:13:12,720 --> 01:13:15,291
Whoo! That was fire.
That's what's hot. Whoo! That was fire.
1412
01:13:15,440 --> 01:13:17,169
Kevin Hart in London/
Kevin Hart!
1413
01:13:17,240 --> 01:13:23,043
I stood there, and my sides are hurting
where I laughed so hard. Seriously.
1414
01:13:25,920 --> 01:13:27,604
Kev. My man.
1415
01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:31,369
You got us running all over
the city, man! Come on!
1416
01:13:35,960 --> 01:13:37,849
Don't nobody ask me nothing no more.
1417
01:13:37,920 --> 01:13:39,649
I'll do everything myself!
1418
01:13:41,680 --> 01:13:44,251
Kev, where'd you go? Oh! I smell burning.
1419
01:13:46,080 --> 01:13:48,242
Is there a phone booth in here?/
Clark Kent.
1420
01:13:48,360 --> 01:13:50,169
Ain't no phone booth in here/
How you changed that fast?
1421
01:13:50,240 --> 01:13:52,561
Don't nobody ask me if I'm nervous either,
'cause I'm not!
1422
01:13:52,640 --> 01:13:53,971
I'll knock your ass out.
1423
01:13:54,000 --> 01:13:56,241
And my hands ain't sweaty,
so don't try to touch them.
1424
01:13:56,320 --> 01:13:58,482
Don't touch it. And I don't have swamp ass.
1425
01:13:59,960 --> 01:14:01,644
What're you talking about?/
Huh?
1426
01:14:01,680 --> 01:14:03,603
It's G shit up here, homie.
1427
01:14:04,000 --> 01:14:05,650
Why don't you just be my friends
and shake it up?
1428
01:14:05,840 --> 01:14:07,330
'Cause it's go time right now.
1429
01:14:07,360 --> 01:14:09,966
Huh? I'm pumped up, baby. You hear me?
1430
01:14:10,200 --> 01:14:12,487
I'm ready for this life. Huh?
1431
01:14:12,520 --> 01:14:14,204
I'm so ready for this.
1432
01:14:14,520 --> 01:14:16,204
Close them up, Joe.
That's what I'm talking about.
1433
01:14:16,320 --> 01:14:18,040
You know what we do/
That was last year.
1434
01:14:19,040 --> 01:14:20,929
That's right. You got it, homie.
1435
01:14:23,680 --> 01:14:25,250
What are you doing?
1436
01:14:25,320 --> 01:14:26,840
I didn't forget it 'cause I'm nervous.
1437
01:14:26,880 --> 01:14:29,451
What is he doing?/
Ain't nobody forget nothing!
1438
01:14:29,800 --> 01:14:31,962
It's showtime, man!
1439
01:14:32,160 --> 01:14:34,891
Hey! I'm about to explain, baby!