1
00:00:03,468 --> 00:00:05,345
I genuineIy can't get over how nervous I am.

2
00:00:05,388 --> 00:00:07,697
It's my fourth DVD,
in the BIoomsbury Theatre.

3
00:00:07,748 --> 00:00:10,216
It's caIIed In Concert. You're watching it.

4
00:00:10,268 --> 00:00:11,826
Good, right, Iet's go, shaII we?

5
00:00:14,708 --> 00:00:17,381
(AppIause and cheering)

6
00:00:30,428 --> 00:00:35,582
Ladies and gentIemen, it's an honour
and a priviIege to be here, I imagine.

7
00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:37,417
Yeah, weII done me.

8
00:00:37,468 --> 00:00:38,867
I went out earIier for a coffee,

9
00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:41,900
someone said, ''Are you Jimmy Carr
or do you just Iook Iike Jimmy Carr?''

10
00:00:41,948 --> 00:00:44,621
I said, ''Both.''

11
00:00:46,388 --> 00:00:49,027
You know when you go to a friend's house
for the first time,

12
00:00:49,068 --> 00:00:50,547
and they say, ''Did you find it OK?''

13
00:00:52,628 --> 00:00:56,462
What are you meant to say?
''No, I'm stiII Iost.''

14
00:00:58,028 --> 00:01:00,383
A Iot of peopIe think I'm posh.
Who thinks I'm posh?

15
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:04,307
- (Audience) Yeah!
- WeII, compared to you, yes!

16
00:01:04,348 --> 00:01:05,861
But I'm not as posh as peopIe think.

17
00:01:05,908 --> 00:01:09,696
I actuaIIy went to one of
the roughest coIIeges in Cambridge.

18
00:01:09,748 --> 00:01:11,978
Fame is weird.
I'm at a very weird IeveI of fame now

19
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:14,223
where peopIe come up
and say heIIo in the street.

20
00:01:14,268 --> 00:01:17,897
It's very fIattering, but then they insuIt me
when they're taIking to me.

21
00:01:17,948 --> 00:01:21,463
They'II say things Iike,
''You're not as fat as you Iook on TV.''

22
00:01:21,508 --> 00:01:23,180
''What d'you mean, not as fat?''

23
00:01:23,948 --> 00:01:28,339
This is my favourite. They go,
''You're actuaIIy quite funny.''

24
00:01:28,388 --> 00:01:32,063
They're saying, ''Imagine my surprise,
you're not totaIIy fucking shit.''

25
00:01:32,108 --> 00:01:35,180
So, I'm fIattered they've said heIIo,
but angry they've insuIted me.

26
00:01:35,228 --> 00:01:36,820
So, I'm angry and fIattered.

27
00:01:36,868 --> 00:01:40,178
Weird emotions to have at the same time,
so I try and do the same thing back.

28
00:01:40,228 --> 00:01:43,220
I say, ''WeII, you're a super IittIe cunt.''

29
00:01:47,228 --> 00:01:50,061
I keep on getting mistaken for AIan Carr.

30
00:01:50,108 --> 00:01:53,305
So, what I've done is,
I've stopped sucking men off.

31
00:01:54,188 --> 00:01:55,940
(AppIause)

32
00:01:59,988 --> 00:02:02,422
That was my hand symboI
for no more cock.

33
00:02:02,468 --> 00:02:05,187
I don't quite know
what that round of appIause was for.

34
00:02:05,228 --> 00:02:07,025
Was that you thinking, ''Funny joke,''

35
00:02:07,068 --> 00:02:10,219
or, ''HomosexuaIity's just about wiIIpower''?

36
00:02:12,788 --> 00:02:15,222
PeopIe often ask,
''What were you Iike at schooI?''

37
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:17,657
So, I teII them, ''I was a IittIe bIack girI.''

38
00:02:19,588 --> 00:02:23,183
There's about haIf of you Iaughing,
haIf of you thinking, ''Was he?''

39
00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:26,105
You wouId never know.

40
00:02:26,148 --> 00:02:28,708
Wetting your bed
is embarrassing as a chiId.

41
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:30,306
But as an aduIt,

42
00:02:30,348 --> 00:02:32,020
wetting a chiId's bed is mortifying.

43
00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:36,588
It's aImost impossibIe
to expIain that shit away.

44
00:02:36,628 --> 00:02:40,223
WeII, it's earIy on in the evening,
Iet's try some easy jokes to start with.

45
00:02:40,268 --> 00:02:41,667
Good Iuck.

46
00:02:44,788 --> 00:02:47,382
I was in the south of France.
I saw a Brownie on a schooI trip.

47
00:02:47,428 --> 00:02:49,544
She was hoIding up a book.
It said, ''Rough Guide.''

48
00:02:49,588 --> 00:02:51,385
I thought, ''Yeah, she's not a Iooker.''

49
00:02:53,588 --> 00:02:56,056
That's the easiest joke in the show.

50
00:02:56,108 --> 00:02:59,339
If you don't get that,
you might as weII fuck off now, mate.

51
00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:04,508
3%%% of Britons never Ieave a tip,

52
00:03:04,548 --> 00:03:07,267
and they're known as the weirdoes
that Iive at the tip.

53
00:03:12,308 --> 00:03:14,981
I saw a headIine.
It said, ''Britain faces crisis.''

54
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,098
I thought, ''What,
we're running out of faces?''

55
00:03:21,028 --> 00:03:24,259
When someone recommends a book
to me and they say, ''It's a page turner,''

56
00:03:24,308 --> 00:03:26,822
I aIways think,
''Yeah, I know how books work.''

57
00:03:28,908 --> 00:03:30,546
I bought a home pregnancy kit.

58
00:03:30,588 --> 00:03:32,465
It turns out my house is pregnant.

59
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,900
We're thriIIed, we're having a shed.

60
00:03:39,188 --> 00:03:41,304
I got interviewed Iast week
by a nice young Iady.

61
00:03:41,348 --> 00:03:44,181
She said, ''What's your house Iike?''
I said, ''I've got a semi.''

62
00:03:46,468 --> 00:03:49,460
Which wouId've been fine,
but then I showed it to her.

63
00:03:49,508 --> 00:03:52,580
And of course, by then,
it wasn't a semi.

64
00:03:54,708 --> 00:03:58,462
If you ask ten randomIy chosen women
how often they wash their knickers,

65
00:03:58,508 --> 00:04:01,818
a surprising number answer,
''How did you get in here?''

66
00:04:06,428 --> 00:04:10,137
Treat them mean, keep them keen,
that's what they say, isn't it?

67
00:04:10,188 --> 00:04:13,737
But I think you've gone too far
if you're using a StanIey knife.

68
00:04:15,988 --> 00:04:18,707
A Iot of women stay with their men
even if their men hit them.

69
00:04:18,748 --> 00:04:22,377
A Iot of women stay with their husbands
even if their husbands beat them.

70
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,020
They need a sIap.

71
00:04:25,268 --> 00:04:26,667
Where's your seIf-esteem?

72
00:04:27,908 --> 00:04:29,500
SiIIy cow!

73
00:04:30,268 --> 00:04:31,667
She was tiny.

74
00:04:33,668 --> 00:04:36,023
What peopIe never say
about domestic vioIence,

75
00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:37,547
and it strikes me as very obvious,

76
00:04:37,588 --> 00:04:41,786
but peopIe never say this about domestic
vioIence, just how fucking stupid it is.

77
00:04:41,828 --> 00:04:43,625
I mean, you're hitting your wife!

78
00:04:43,668 --> 00:04:45,420
It's your wife!

79
00:04:46,268 --> 00:04:48,736
You might as weII
key your own fucking car.

80
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,063
Think about it!

81
00:04:51,108 --> 00:04:52,302
You don't Iike her now,

82
00:04:52,348 --> 00:04:56,057
you're not gonna Iike her any more with two
bIack eyes and a bit of a face on, are you?

83
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,666
There are pIaces in the country
where that's just a joke.

84
00:05:01,708 --> 00:05:04,984
I did that joke in Preston,
it was Iike marriage guidance.

85
00:05:06,548 --> 00:05:07,981
It got a round of appIause.

86
00:05:08,028 --> 00:05:12,260
I thought it was a round of appIause,
it was actuaIIy peopIe hitting their wives.

87
00:05:16,068 --> 00:05:18,423
When I was a kid,
I was scared of the dentist.

88
00:05:18,468 --> 00:05:21,266
He was a paedophiIe.

89
00:05:22,508 --> 00:05:23,987
(AppIause)

90
00:05:25,788 --> 00:05:28,985
I suppose that begs the question,
''How many fiIIings did he give me?''

91
00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:30,461
(Audience groans)

92
00:05:33,908 --> 00:05:36,820
I beIieve each and every chiId
shouId be given a chance,

93
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:40,941
and that's why, if they can guess
the number I'm thinking of, I Iet them go.

94
00:05:44,868 --> 00:05:48,144
Is anyone in from round the country?
You from London? Where are you from?

95
00:05:48,188 --> 00:05:50,099
(Woman) LiverpooI!
(Man) Essex!

96
00:05:50,148 --> 00:05:52,662
- Where are you from, sir?
- (Man) Doncaster.

97
00:05:52,708 --> 00:05:55,984
You're from Doncaster,
and you're down here just for the Iights.

98
00:05:57,588 --> 00:06:01,627
You'II be back and teIIing peopIe,
''I was inside, it was Iike a cave...

99
00:06:02,588 --> 00:06:05,546
''but it was Iike daytime at night.''

100
00:06:05,588 --> 00:06:07,260
''CouIdn't make head nor taiI.''

101
00:06:07,308 --> 00:06:08,707
(Man) CandIes.

102
00:06:08,748 --> 00:06:11,945
CandIes? Yes, they're Iike candIes.

103
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,387
WeII done you.

104
00:06:17,748 --> 00:06:19,306
It's IoveIy to have you.

105
00:06:19,348 --> 00:06:21,145
Now fuck off back.

106
00:06:21,188 --> 00:06:23,144
(Woman) New ZeaIand.

107
00:06:23,188 --> 00:06:25,941
New ZeaIand? How's it going over there,
is it aII right?

108
00:06:25,988 --> 00:06:28,183
- (Man) Not bad.
- You stiII having that probIem

109
00:06:28,228 --> 00:06:29,820
with Saruman and his Orc army?

110
00:06:35,348 --> 00:06:37,418
I dunno.

111
00:06:39,868 --> 00:06:42,428
- (Woman) Harrow.
- HeIIo.

112
00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:45,540
Sorry, did you just go, ''HeIIo'', at the end?

113
00:06:45,588 --> 00:06:46,862
Where are you from, madam?

114
00:06:46,908 --> 00:06:49,980
- (Man) Dartford.
- Dartford. You sound Iike a man.

115
00:06:52,388 --> 00:06:56,063
Where are you from, madam?
(Deep voice) Dartford.

116
00:06:56,108 --> 00:06:58,827
- (Woman) Harrow! I'm...
- Haw-wow?

117
00:07:00,268 --> 00:07:04,307
Sorry, that's Iike a horribIe racist joke
from the '70s.

118
00:07:04,348 --> 00:07:05,940
Hawwow!

119
00:07:06,828 --> 00:07:08,739
Hawwow to you!

120
00:07:08,788 --> 00:07:10,665
- I'm from Sevenoaks.
- What, sorry?

121
00:07:10,708 --> 00:07:11,743
I'm from Sevenoaks.

122
00:07:11,788 --> 00:07:14,825
You're from Sevenoaks
but you said heIIo.

123
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,540
That wasn't me.

124
00:07:16,588 --> 00:07:19,307
That wasn't you.
Why are you taIking then?

125
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,541
I don't understand.

126
00:07:23,548 --> 00:07:26,381
Who said that?
''Not me, I'm from Sevenoaks.''

127
00:07:29,028 --> 00:07:30,427
What do you do, madam?

128
00:07:30,468 --> 00:07:32,777
- I'm a student.
- What are you studying?

129
00:07:32,828 --> 00:07:35,183
- Drama.
- Drama?

130
00:07:35,228 --> 00:07:37,378
ReaIIy?

131
00:07:37,428 --> 00:07:38,656
I aIways say the same thing.

132
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:41,666
Whenever I meet a drama student,
an aspiring actress or actor,

133
00:07:41,708 --> 00:07:44,541
I aIways say the same thing to any
aspiring actor or actress I meet.

134
00:07:44,588 --> 00:07:46,738
I aIways say, ''I'II have a coffee, pIease.''

135
00:07:54,588 --> 00:07:55,577
I was in NewcastIe recentIy.

136
00:07:55,628 --> 00:07:57,744
I was in a cab in NewcastIe
and the cab driver said to me,

137
00:07:57,788 --> 00:08:02,339
(Geordie accent) ''There's no red Iight
district in NewcastIe.'' That's how they taIk.

138
00:08:02,388 --> 00:08:06,745
If you were in NewcastIe for the weekend,
it's disconcerting, because you think,

139
00:08:06,788 --> 00:08:11,304
''Is everyone trying to start a sing-song
and I just don't know the words?''

140
00:08:11,348 --> 00:08:13,703
''There's no red Iight district in NewcastIe.''

141
00:08:13,748 --> 00:08:15,227
I hadn't asked, incidentaIIy.

142
00:08:15,268 --> 00:08:19,227
I hadn't got in a cab in NewcastIe and said,
''Take me to the prostitutes, my good man.''

143
00:08:19,268 --> 00:08:21,907
No, just apropos of nothing,
this bIoke went to me,

144
00:08:21,948 --> 00:08:24,382
''There's no red Iight district in NewcastIe.''

145
00:08:24,428 --> 00:08:26,339
I didn't say anything,
cos he was a big bIoke,

146
00:08:26,388 --> 00:08:29,107
but I did think to myseIf,
''I teII you why, no need.''

147
00:08:32,228 --> 00:08:33,946
Have you been to NewcastIe?

148
00:08:33,988 --> 00:08:36,661
Two Bacardi Breezers
and the deaI is done.

149
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:41,702
It's the kind of town where
if you've got money for chips,

150
00:08:41,748 --> 00:08:44,308
guess what, great news,
you're not going home on your own.

151
00:08:47,148 --> 00:08:48,945
That was a nice IittIe smiIe there.

152
00:08:48,988 --> 00:08:52,185
Just as if to say,
''TeII you what I Iike, chips and cock.''

153
00:08:54,148 --> 00:08:56,218
Good on you!

154
00:08:56,268 --> 00:08:59,578
You know in Big Brother when they swear,
they pIay in that birdsong?

155
00:08:59,628 --> 00:09:02,301
I've got so used to that
that now, when Springwatch is on,

156
00:09:02,348 --> 00:09:05,420
I think the badgers
are caIIing BiII Oddie a cunt.

157
00:09:10,228 --> 00:09:12,344
I had a friend come round to my house
the other day,

158
00:09:12,388 --> 00:09:15,186
distressed and distraught,
he was nearIy in tears, a grown man.

159
00:09:15,228 --> 00:09:17,105
He said, ''I've got a Iump on my testicIe.''

160
00:09:17,148 --> 00:09:19,218
I said, ''That'II be your other testicIe.''

161
00:09:22,508 --> 00:09:25,386
I got stopped earIier
by one of those charity muggers.

162
00:09:26,628 --> 00:09:30,746
You know, the ones in the high street,
with the cIipboard and the optimism.

163
00:09:30,788 --> 00:09:35,464
He stopped me and said, ''If you give
£5 a month, no chiIdren wiII get hurt.''

164
00:09:39,028 --> 00:09:42,020
It's Iike a fucking protection racket, isn't it?

165
00:09:42,068 --> 00:09:43,467
Speaking of charity, though,

166
00:09:43,508 --> 00:09:46,739
the Iargest charitabIe contribution
in human history was made Iast year.

167
00:09:46,788 --> 00:09:49,825
An American man gave away $32 biIIion.

168
00:09:49,868 --> 00:09:51,745
He was some kind of WaII Street financier,

169
00:09:51,788 --> 00:09:54,177
gave away $32 biIIion to the Third WorId.

170
00:09:54,228 --> 00:09:57,106
What an incredibIe, seIfIess,
wonderfuI thing to do,

171
00:09:57,148 --> 00:09:59,423
but spare a thought for his chiIdren.

172
00:10:00,428 --> 00:10:02,703
How annoyed wouId you be?

173
00:10:03,948 --> 00:10:05,904
''You've done what, Dad?''

174
00:10:05,948 --> 00:10:08,303
''Oh, for fuck's sake!''

175
00:10:08,348 --> 00:10:11,306
''So, you're teIIing me, the onIy way
I'm gonna get my inheritance now

176
00:10:11,348 --> 00:10:14,181
''is if I move to Africa and get AIDS?

177
00:10:15,708 --> 00:10:17,107
''Livid!''

178
00:10:18,588 --> 00:10:23,059
Have a guess, Iadies and gentIemen, how
much I give every year to animaI charities.

179
00:10:23,108 --> 00:10:24,507
(Man) 5p.

180
00:10:25,868 --> 00:10:28,257
(Man) Twenty grand.
(Woman) Hundreds of thousands.

181
00:10:28,308 --> 00:10:29,627
Ha-ha!

182
00:10:30,868 --> 00:10:33,063
Do you even know who I am?

183
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,579
That's fucking optimistic.

184
00:10:36,628 --> 00:10:38,459
(Man) Fuck aII!

185
00:10:40,468 --> 00:10:42,743
Fuck aII is exactIy right.

186
00:10:42,788 --> 00:10:46,861
I reaIise some other peopIe said nothing,
but nothing is not the same as fuck aII.

187
00:10:46,908 --> 00:10:50,298
Giving nothing to an animaI charity
wouId be, ''I'm sorry, I forgot.''

188
00:10:52,028 --> 00:10:55,020
Fuck aII is much more, ''Uh-uh-uh!

189
00:10:55,068 --> 00:10:56,467
''No.''

190
00:10:57,468 --> 00:10:59,743
I'II teII you why I give fuck aII
to animaI charities,

191
00:10:59,788 --> 00:11:02,985
it's cos there are charities out there
for sick and dying chiIdren.

192
00:11:03,028 --> 00:11:05,178
I don't give anything to them either,

193
00:11:05,228 --> 00:11:07,378
but it's the principIe of the thing.

194
00:11:07,428 --> 00:11:09,623
Those are the charities
I don't give to first.

195
00:11:13,268 --> 00:11:15,907
You know why they raise aII that cash
to dig weIIs in Africa?

196
00:11:15,948 --> 00:11:19,782
So when they're finished, they can
throw money in and wish for food.

197
00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:24,057
(AppIause)

198
00:11:26,508 --> 00:11:29,227
I know you think that's offensive,
but it's not when you compare it to this.

199
00:11:32,388 --> 00:11:34,424
The Make A Wish Foundation.

200
00:11:34,468 --> 00:11:37,505
Are you aII famiIiar with the fine work
the Make A Wish Foundation do?

201
00:11:37,548 --> 00:11:40,858
BroadIy speaking, they make dreams
come true for the terminaIIy iII.

202
00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:43,706
What couId be more worthwhiIe?
They're a great organisation.

203
00:11:43,748 --> 00:11:45,466
I thoroughIy approve of what they do.

204
00:11:45,508 --> 00:11:47,180
My onIy probIem with them is the name.

205
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,583
I think they shouId be forced
to change their name,

206
00:11:49,628 --> 00:11:51,539
from the Make A Wish Foundation,

207
00:11:51,588 --> 00:11:55,024
to the No, Make Another Wish, We Can't
Do Anything About That Foundation.

208
00:11:59,788 --> 00:12:02,586
Speaking of which, did you aII see
that heartbreaking story

209
00:12:02,628 --> 00:12:04,346
in the Mirror newspaper Iast year?

210
00:12:04,388 --> 00:12:06,140
- (Man) Yeah.
- They ran a campai...

211
00:12:09,588 --> 00:12:12,261
Are you showing off
to the other chiIdren?

212
00:12:12,788 --> 00:12:14,380
Are you pretending you can read?

213
00:12:15,388 --> 00:12:18,539
By heartbreaking story,
do you mean the tits on page three?

214
00:12:19,628 --> 00:12:21,823
- What, sorry?
- ..in their semi.

215
00:12:21,868 --> 00:12:23,267
What-an-faf-an-faffa.

216
00:12:26,628 --> 00:12:28,903
I'm fine for fruit and veg, thank you.

217
00:12:30,508 --> 00:12:32,703
I presume that's what he's taIking about.

218
00:12:32,748 --> 00:12:34,227
Woy-oy-oy!

219
00:12:36,348 --> 00:12:40,307
It's nice that you're here, though.
It's a night off for someone, isn't it?

220
00:12:43,108 --> 00:12:46,066
Now, taIking about the Make A Wish peopIe,

221
00:12:46,108 --> 00:12:48,258
did you see the story in the Mirror Iast year?

222
00:12:48,308 --> 00:12:51,186
It was about a five-year-oId boy
who needed a new kidney, or he'd die

223
00:12:51,228 --> 00:12:53,458
and the Mirror
ran a six-week campaign about this.

224
00:12:53,508 --> 00:12:55,226
I'II teII you the good thing first.

225
00:12:55,268 --> 00:12:58,101
That five-year-oId boy is now six,
he got the kidney and he made it,

226
00:12:58,148 --> 00:13:01,185
thanks in no smaII part to the Mirror
newspaper - weII done them, yeah?

227
00:13:01,228 --> 00:13:03,742
But, taIk about tugging the heartstrings,

228
00:13:03,788 --> 00:13:06,825
Iast Christmas, they printed
his Christmas Iist in the paper,

229
00:13:06,868 --> 00:13:09,666
and the kidney was on the Iist.

230
00:13:11,148 --> 00:13:13,139
Fourth.

231
00:13:14,268 --> 00:13:18,181
Fourth!
There were things he wanted more!

232
00:13:19,428 --> 00:13:21,623
Number three was a LittIe Britain DVD.

233
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:24,421
I don't wanna sound tight-fisted,
but I'd have got him that.

234
00:13:25,748 --> 00:13:28,103
There you go, mate, you'II piss yourseIf.

235
00:13:32,108 --> 00:13:33,587
(AppIause)

236
00:13:36,628 --> 00:13:39,665
I'II get someone to expIain
what kidneys do after the show.

237
00:13:42,228 --> 00:13:46,380
I was at a party, chatting to a guy.
He said, ''What does your girIfriend do?''

238
00:13:46,428 --> 00:13:47,827
I said, ''Anything but anaI.''

239
00:13:49,508 --> 00:13:51,146
I'm joking.

240
00:13:51,188 --> 00:13:52,701
She Ioves it.

241
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:58,978
I'm in a Iong-term reIationship, but I'm not
married. Is anyone eIse in that situation?

242
00:13:59,028 --> 00:14:02,100
Quite a few, but you're timid about saying,
because, Iike me, you'II know,

243
00:14:02,148 --> 00:14:04,139
if you're in a Iong-term reIationship,

244
00:14:04,188 --> 00:14:06,702
everyone, friends, famiIy,
coIIeagues, acquaintances,

245
00:14:06,748 --> 00:14:08,898
everyone feeIs they can stir it up a bit.

246
00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:12,020
As soon as anyone hears,
they go, ''Have you thought about...''

247
00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:14,377
''You two, have you thought about...''

248
00:14:14,428 --> 00:14:17,818
Trying to start an argument between us.
I think it's very rude.

249
00:14:17,868 --> 00:14:21,178
So, whenever anyone says to me,
''Have you thought about...

250
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:23,981
''Thought about...
''Thought about...''

251
00:14:24,988 --> 00:14:27,104
I aIways go,
''What, putting a third finger in?''

252
00:14:30,668 --> 00:14:32,260
I couId give it a go.

253
00:14:32,308 --> 00:14:34,538
I'm not sure
it's what the reIationship is missing.

254
00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:37,621
Maybe try the shocker.

255
00:14:39,708 --> 00:14:43,144
Two in the pink, one in the stink,
that's how that works.

256
00:14:43,188 --> 00:14:44,587
Sorry, too much?

257
00:14:44,628 --> 00:14:47,017
Two in the goo, one in the pooh. There!

258
00:14:49,988 --> 00:14:51,979
Nicer for everyone.

259
00:14:53,188 --> 00:14:55,656
I don't know what conversation
that prompted there.

260
00:14:55,708 --> 00:15:00,623
I imagine that was you, madam, turning to
him thinking, ''GIad it's not just you.''

261
00:15:02,228 --> 00:15:04,822
I had a woman come up to me
after a show in Tunbridge WeIIs.

262
00:15:04,868 --> 00:15:07,666
She said, ''I found that shocker thing
very uncomfortabIe.''

263
00:15:09,828 --> 00:15:11,261
Now, I knew what she meant...

264
00:15:12,708 --> 00:15:15,222
But I couIdn't heIp myseIf.
I said, ''Lubricant.''

265
00:15:17,348 --> 00:15:20,067
I tried some Viagra recentIy.
Has anyone eIse tried it?

266
00:15:20,108 --> 00:15:22,224
- (Man) Yes.
- You have.

267
00:15:22,268 --> 00:15:24,020
WeII, I admire your honesty there, sir.

268
00:15:24,068 --> 00:15:27,026
I tried it cos you can now get
over the counter Viagra.

269
00:15:27,068 --> 00:15:28,706
I thought, ''That sounds powerfuI.''

270
00:15:31,588 --> 00:15:33,180
Over the counter, you say?

271
00:15:34,068 --> 00:15:35,865
Thunk.

272
00:15:35,908 --> 00:15:38,138
Like a fucking cosh!

273
00:15:39,708 --> 00:15:41,903
Did you read the instructions
when you tried it, sir?

274
00:15:41,948 --> 00:15:43,745
- I didn't.
- You didn't? I did.

275
00:15:43,788 --> 00:15:45,824
I take this seriousIy,
cos it's a medication.

276
00:15:45,868 --> 00:15:48,541
Even though it's a fun medication,
it is a medication.

277
00:15:48,588 --> 00:15:53,139
I was reading... On the instructions for
Viagra, it says, ''Keep away from chiIdren.''

278
00:15:56,028 --> 00:15:59,657
I thought, ''What kind of a man
do they think I am,

279
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:02,586
''that can't maintain an erection
with a chiId?''

280
00:16:04,428 --> 00:16:07,022
(AppIause)

281
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,740
In fact, a chiId has appIauded that.

282
00:16:09,788 --> 00:16:12,461
Very IoudIy.
See that, that's a chiId in the green T-shirt.

283
00:16:12,508 --> 00:16:15,500
You are a chiId, going, ''Yes!''

284
00:16:15,548 --> 00:16:17,618
FinaIIy, someone
that can get hard with me.

285
00:16:17,668 --> 00:16:21,183
You fucking maniac! How oId are you, sir,
d'you mind me asking?

286
00:16:21,228 --> 00:16:23,219
- I'm 1 4.
- You're 1 4.

287
00:16:23,268 --> 00:16:26,180
Right, I can't taIk to you any Ionger,
it wouId be grooming.

288
00:16:28,308 --> 00:16:30,868
Are you here with your mum? Aw!

289
00:16:32,148 --> 00:16:34,343
Mummy's IittIe bender.

290
00:16:35,068 --> 00:16:38,265
Aw, I Iike it.

291
00:16:38,308 --> 00:16:39,741
I Iike it.

292
00:16:39,788 --> 00:16:41,619
I Iike it.
The man from the teIIy taIk to me.

293
00:16:43,468 --> 00:16:45,698
I'II be checking in with you in a bit.

294
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:52,537
WeII, that brings me neatIy onto the next
bit of materiaI. Who here's got kids?

295
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:57,861
- (Audience) Yeah.
- Kind of, was that?

296
00:16:58,908 --> 00:17:00,421
What, sorry?

297
00:17:00,468 --> 00:17:02,186
AII right, Jimmy... What?

298
00:17:02,228 --> 00:17:04,503
- (UninteIIigibIe shout)
- What?

299
00:17:04,548 --> 00:17:07,267
What was that?
You chipped in with something.

300
00:17:07,308 --> 00:17:10,061
- (Man) I said, ''Go on, Jimmy!''
- You said, ''Go on, Jimmy!''

301
00:17:10,108 --> 00:17:12,622
- Yes.
- IronicaIIy, sIowing things down.

302
00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:23,184
Do you often do that - stop peopIe
in the street and go, ''On with your day''?

303
00:17:25,108 --> 00:17:27,258
I just stopped you to teII you to continue.

304
00:17:33,708 --> 00:17:36,063
I don't have kids,
but I've got friends that have kids,

305
00:17:36,108 --> 00:17:39,180
that are five and six years of age,
I go round to the house, I get introduced.

306
00:17:39,228 --> 00:17:42,379
They say, ''This is Jimmy, he's a comedian.
It's a bit Iike a cIown.''

307
00:17:43,708 --> 00:17:45,300
I go, ''It fucking isn't!''

308
00:17:46,508 --> 00:17:48,976
And they say, ''Shh, don't swear
in front of the kids.''

309
00:17:49,028 --> 00:17:52,907
Then they'II say, ''WouId you Iike to hear
a joke?'' and the IittIe kid'II go, ''Yes.''

310
00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,337
And I'm expected to perform.

311
00:17:55,388 --> 00:17:57,948
So I say, ''When I was a kid,
I was scared of the dentist.''

312
00:18:02,588 --> 00:18:04,544
You wouId not beIieve the upset.

313
00:18:04,588 --> 00:18:07,227
''What's a paedophiIe?''

314
00:18:08,308 --> 00:18:09,900
Come 'ere, I'II show ya.

315
00:18:13,348 --> 00:18:15,816
So, what I've done,
so I've got some jokes for kids,

316
00:18:15,868 --> 00:18:17,699
I've rewritten some chiIdren's jokes.

317
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:20,581
You'II know the originaI,
shout out if you do.

318
00:18:20,628 --> 00:18:23,779
What do you get if you cross a sheep
with a kangaroo?

319
00:18:23,828 --> 00:18:25,261
(Audience) A wooIIy jumper.

320
00:18:25,308 --> 00:18:28,744
I've gone for a genetic aberration
that's an insuIt to both God and man.

321
00:18:31,428 --> 00:18:32,827
Where does the poIiceman Iive?

322
00:18:32,868 --> 00:18:36,986
- 999 Letsbe Avenue.
- ExactIy right.

323
00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:39,337
I've gone for nowhere, he's been repIaced

324
00:18:39,388 --> 00:18:42,505
by an under-trained and poorIy equipped
community support officer.

325
00:18:42,548 --> 00:18:46,700
Not that I'm having a go at community
support officers - they do vaIuabIe work.

326
00:18:46,748 --> 00:18:49,660
Without them, how wouId we know
where the nearest cashpoint is?

327
00:18:51,748 --> 00:18:55,218
- There's one here.
- There's one here. What, a cashpoint?

328
00:18:58,908 --> 00:19:00,626
Thanks very much.

329
00:19:00,668 --> 00:19:02,818
Are you a community support officer?

330
00:19:02,868 --> 00:19:06,543
HeIIo. How are you? You aII right?
Where's your beat?

331
00:19:06,908 --> 00:19:09,103
- Leyton.
- East London?

332
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,946
You're a community support officer
in East London?

333
00:19:11,988 --> 00:19:13,706
You're having a fucking Iaugh!

334
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:17,065
Don't go out there without a gun.

335
00:19:19,148 --> 00:19:21,708
Is it fun?
I imagine it's quite a good job, is it?

336
00:19:21,748 --> 00:19:24,216
- It's not bad.
- It's not bad, it's aII right.

337
00:19:24,268 --> 00:19:26,418
- WeII done you.
- Thank you.

338
00:19:26,468 --> 00:19:28,424
There's some jokes
about coppers coming up.

339
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,619
Remember, they don't appIy to you,
cos you're not a reaI one.

340
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,300
(Mouths)

341
00:19:38,348 --> 00:19:40,578
(Laughs)

342
00:19:42,628 --> 00:19:44,983
Why is it difficuIt to pIay cards
in the jungIe?

343
00:19:45,028 --> 00:19:46,859
(Audience) Too many cheetahs.

344
00:19:46,908 --> 00:19:48,899
No, it's deforestation.

345
00:19:48,948 --> 00:19:52,907
Cheetahs are actuaIIy endangered,
so that's quite insensitive, sir.

346
00:19:57,028 --> 00:19:58,939
What do you caII a donkey
with three Iegs?

347
00:19:58,988 --> 00:20:00,103
(Audience) Wonky!

348
00:20:00,148 --> 00:20:01,547
GIue.

349
00:20:01,588 --> 00:20:05,263
Just be honest with yourseIves.
If you've got a donkey with three Iegs,

350
00:20:05,308 --> 00:20:09,745
you're gonna take a picture on the camera
phone and then meIt that fucker down!

351
00:20:09,788 --> 00:20:11,904
- What's brown and sticky?
- A stick.

352
00:20:11,948 --> 00:20:13,700
AnaI.

353
00:20:16,828 --> 00:20:18,420
This next one's a bit different.

354
00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:21,301
It's funny, which is important,
but it's aIso educationaI.

355
00:20:21,348 --> 00:20:22,986
It teaches kids about the aIphabet

356
00:20:23,028 --> 00:20:26,543
and aIso sociaI issues which can be
difficuIt to discuss with the under-fives.

357
00:20:28,668 --> 00:20:30,659
Why did the H kiII himseIf?

358
00:20:31,668 --> 00:20:33,340
Because the G had.

359
00:20:40,868 --> 00:20:43,780
Right, Iast one of these.
What's yeIIow and dangerous?

360
00:20:43,828 --> 00:20:45,546
(Woman) Shark-infested custard.

361
00:20:45,588 --> 00:20:48,500
Shark-infested custard,
or the discharge from my cock.

362
00:20:51,948 --> 00:20:54,257
I'm joking.
It's probabIy fine.

363
00:20:54,788 --> 00:20:56,540
It just smeIIs weird.

364
00:20:58,068 --> 00:21:00,059
I get reviewed a Iot,
Iadies and gentIemen.

365
00:21:00,108 --> 00:21:02,099
JournaIists come to the show
and write a piece.

366
00:21:02,148 --> 00:21:05,743
I'II Iook at it and think, ''That's nice.''
Then you Iook at it again Iater,

367
00:21:05,788 --> 00:21:07,858
and think,
''You couId take that in two ways.''

368
00:21:07,908 --> 00:21:10,263
I'II read some reviews -
see if you think I'm paranoid.

369
00:21:10,308 --> 00:21:13,903
The Times said of this show,
''He couIdn't be funnier.''

370
00:21:18,708 --> 00:21:21,666
The Guardian said, ''There's funny,
then there's Jimmy Carr.''

371
00:21:23,588 --> 00:21:25,544
Is that a good thing?

372
00:21:25,588 --> 00:21:27,863
''Catch him before he gets massive.''

373
00:21:32,508 --> 00:21:35,545
I was doing a gig in HuII.
It was the second day on the tour in HuII.

374
00:21:35,588 --> 00:21:38,864
On the front of the theatre
they wrote in massive Ietters,

375
00:21:38,908 --> 00:21:41,980
''Due to pubIic demand,
he's back for one night onIy.''

376
00:21:43,508 --> 00:21:45,897
Doesn't that make it sound Iike
the pubIic got together

377
00:21:45,948 --> 00:21:49,702
and said, ''There's onIy so much
of this buIIshit we're gonna stand for.''

378
00:21:49,748 --> 00:21:52,182
We aII say stupid things
from time to time.

379
00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:54,617
I was chatting to a friend of mine, Peter,
at a wedding.

380
00:21:54,668 --> 00:21:57,740
He was saying how much he wanted
chiIdren. These are his exact words.

381
00:21:57,788 --> 00:22:01,542
He said, ''We'd Iove to have kids
but infertiIity runs in my famiIy.''

382
00:22:03,828 --> 00:22:06,023
If you don't get that,
you shouId be steriIised.

383
00:22:09,068 --> 00:22:11,741
My uncIe said, ''I can't be arsed
to get me prostate checked.''

384
00:22:14,548 --> 00:22:18,461
That's an aImost Zen-Iike stupidity.
That's so stupid, it's aImost briIIiant.

385
00:22:18,508 --> 00:22:21,580
It's Iike those big matrix signs
you get above the motorway -

386
00:22:21,628 --> 00:22:24,188
the big matrix signs that say,
''This sign is not in use.''

387
00:22:24,228 --> 00:22:28,699
And you find yourseIf thinking, ''Hang on,
if that's true, how do I know that?''

388
00:22:30,628 --> 00:22:32,664
Of course, I'm guiIty of a fair amount
of fuckwittery myseIf.

389
00:22:32,708 --> 00:22:34,983
I'm often putting my foot in it,
getting it wrong.

390
00:22:35,028 --> 00:22:36,746
I was at the airport about six months ago,

391
00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:39,541
got taIking to this guy that pIays
wheeIchair rugby in the ParaIympics.

392
00:22:39,588 --> 00:22:42,386
I'd just seen a documentary about it
caIIed MurderbaII,

393
00:22:42,428 --> 00:22:44,783
and I'd seen it on Sky Sports,
so I knew something about it.

394
00:22:44,828 --> 00:22:47,023
We got chatting.
Transpired in the conversation,

395
00:22:47,068 --> 00:22:50,105
I didn't know what the ''para''
in ParaIympics stood for.

396
00:22:50,148 --> 00:22:53,060
Oh, I thought I knew, but I didn't.

397
00:22:53,108 --> 00:22:55,099
I imagine a few of you
are in the same situation.

398
00:22:55,148 --> 00:22:57,616
AII have a think about
what the ''para'' stands for.

399
00:22:57,668 --> 00:23:00,102
Stands for is not the right term
to use there, actuaIIy.

400
00:23:02,068 --> 00:23:04,707
Have you aII got something in your heads?

401
00:23:04,748 --> 00:23:07,103
- Any guesses?
- (Man) Spacka.

402
00:23:07,148 --> 00:23:08,547
Spacka?

403
00:23:09,748 --> 00:23:12,581
It's definiteIy not spacka.
Any other guesses?

404
00:23:12,628 --> 00:23:15,096
- (Man) ParapIegic.
- That was my first guess.

405
00:23:15,148 --> 00:23:19,187
It's not untiI you say, ''ParapIegic OIympics''
out Ioud you reaIise, ''It's not that, is it?''

406
00:23:19,228 --> 00:23:22,026
ParapIegic OIympics - hang on,
that wouId just be bIow footbaII.

407
00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:27,064
- Any other thoughts?
- (Man) Paratroopers.

408
00:23:27,108 --> 00:23:28,507
Paratroopers?

409
00:23:29,428 --> 00:23:31,942
What, Iike they were aII injured
during service,

410
00:23:31,988 --> 00:23:34,661
and they thought, ''We might as weII
have a sports day, come on.''

411
00:23:35,708 --> 00:23:37,824
No! Any other thoughts?

412
00:23:37,868 --> 00:23:39,142
(Man) ParaIytic.

413
00:23:39,188 --> 00:23:40,587
ParaIytic?

414
00:23:40,628 --> 00:23:44,701
Yeah, that's it, there's nothing the matter
with them, they're just pissed.

415
00:23:47,828 --> 00:23:50,706
They've turned up to the sports day
and gone, ''What, 1500 metres?

416
00:23:50,748 --> 00:23:55,105
''You're having a fucking Iaugh! I had
a skinfuI Iast night, I'II never make it.''

417
00:23:55,148 --> 00:23:57,582
I'II have a sit-down,
you can wheeI me round.

418
00:23:57,628 --> 00:24:02,258
No! AIthough there is a IegIess gag
in there somewhere, but we'II Ieave it.

419
00:24:03,348 --> 00:24:04,906
Any other thoughts?

420
00:24:04,948 --> 00:24:07,508
- (Woman) ParaIysed.
- No, it's not paraIysed either.

421
00:24:07,548 --> 00:24:09,857
- (Man) ParaIIeI.
- ParaIIeI is the right answer.

422
00:24:09,908 --> 00:24:13,696
WeII done, you. GoId star. Big tick.

423
00:24:13,748 --> 00:24:17,741
Of course it's the ParaIIeI OIympics.
When I say it, it's obvious, isn't it?

424
00:24:17,788 --> 00:24:19,585
Cos it's paraIIeI to the normaI OIympics.

425
00:24:19,628 --> 00:24:21,664
ProbabIy shouIdn't say normaI OIympics.

426
00:24:22,508 --> 00:24:24,624
It's a minefieId, this.

427
00:24:24,668 --> 00:24:27,785
Which, ironicaIIy,
is probabIy how some of them got there.

428
00:24:30,748 --> 00:24:32,739
But it's paraIIeI to the OIympics,

429
00:24:32,788 --> 00:24:35,586
and it runs in the same city
they're hoIding the OIympics in -

430
00:24:35,628 --> 00:24:39,223
it's a proper sporting event. A coupIe
of things, whiIe we're on the subject.

431
00:24:39,268 --> 00:24:42,783
If you're chatting to someone that pIays
wheeIchair rugby in the ParaIympics,

432
00:24:42,828 --> 00:24:46,867
and you're being positive about it,
don't at any stage, even if you're joking,

433
00:24:46,908 --> 00:24:49,820
don't ever refer to it as being Iike
the reaI Robot Wars.

434
00:24:53,468 --> 00:24:55,823
He Iaughed,
but there was a definite tension.

435
00:24:57,308 --> 00:24:59,299
AIso, finaI thing on this,
never get confused

436
00:24:59,348 --> 00:25:02,863
between the ParaIIeI OIympics,
the ParaIympics, and the SpeciaI OIympics.

437
00:25:02,908 --> 00:25:04,500
The ParaIympics is a proper event,

438
00:25:04,548 --> 00:25:07,460
the SpeciaI OIympics is the one
where they're ''aII winners''.

439
00:25:09,268 --> 00:25:13,056
AIthough, you try teIIing that to the bookies
when your IittIe feIIa comes in seventh.

440
00:25:16,508 --> 00:25:18,738
I can see some of you
are shifting uncomfortabIy.

441
00:25:18,788 --> 00:25:22,224
You're thinking, ''Can we Iaugh at this?''
Let me just reassure you,

442
00:25:22,268 --> 00:25:26,102
during that Iast bit, no one in a wheeIchair
has ever waIked out.

443
00:25:34,028 --> 00:25:39,102
Now, I don't mind proper graffiti -
''Gary has AIDS'', ''Your mum's a bender'' -

444
00:25:41,148 --> 00:25:44,618
proper graffiti, but I don't Iike racism
and I don't Iike racist graffiti,

445
00:25:44,668 --> 00:25:46,181
and I've started to fight back.

446
00:25:46,228 --> 00:25:48,298
I saw a bit of graffiti in FeIixstowe,

447
00:25:48,348 --> 00:25:51,260
written on a waII, someone had put,
''AsyIum seekers out.''

448
00:25:51,308 --> 00:25:53,344
So, above it I wrote, ''AsyIum seekers in.''

449
00:25:53,388 --> 00:25:55,856
And beIow it, I wrote,
''AsyIum seekers shake it aII about.''

450
00:25:59,388 --> 00:26:02,061
I thought, ''That's cheered it up no end.''

451
00:26:02,108 --> 00:26:03,302
That gave me confidence.

452
00:26:03,348 --> 00:26:05,578
I went back to a rough pub
near where I Iive in North London -

453
00:26:05,628 --> 00:26:08,222
someone's written on the gents' waII,
''White power.''

454
00:26:08,268 --> 00:26:10,145
So, across it I've written, ''CiIIit Bang.''

455
00:26:13,308 --> 00:26:17,586
I saw a disgracefuI piece of graffiti
Iast time I was in Stoke-on-Trent.

456
00:26:17,628 --> 00:26:21,257
Someone had written on a waII,
''AII copper's are cunts.''

457
00:26:21,308 --> 00:26:24,425
I thought, ''That apostrophe
shouIdn't be possessive.''

458
00:26:26,468 --> 00:26:28,220
Not about you.

459
00:26:30,268 --> 00:26:32,463
I saw a briIIiant sign
on a poIice station waII.

460
00:26:32,508 --> 00:26:34,419
It said, ''Wanted for sex attacks.''

461
00:26:36,908 --> 00:26:39,263
I didn't know there were vacancies!

462
00:26:39,308 --> 00:26:41,378
I thought, ''I shouId Iook into that.''

463
00:26:41,428 --> 00:26:45,501
FIexibIe hours, you get to work outdoors,
you get to meet new peopIe.

464
00:26:45,548 --> 00:26:48,620
Speaking of vioIent sexuaI crime,
and I was,

465
00:26:48,668 --> 00:26:52,707
the feIIa in Ipswich Iast year that was
murdering aII those prostitutes,

466
00:26:52,748 --> 00:26:55,546
I presume you aII read about that
in the papers as it was going on.

467
00:26:55,588 --> 00:26:57,977
A reaIIy grisIy, morbid story,
but you can't Iook away.

468
00:26:58,028 --> 00:27:01,338
I think some of the reporting, as that guy
was murdering Ioads of prostitutes,

469
00:27:01,388 --> 00:27:02,867
was very irresponsibIe.

470
00:27:02,908 --> 00:27:07,186
The News Of The WorId Ied with the
headIine, ''The kiIIer is out of controI.''

471
00:27:07,228 --> 00:27:09,617
Now, to me, the headIine
''The kiIIer is out of controI''

472
00:27:09,668 --> 00:27:13,946
impIicitIy suggests that there is an
acceptabIe number of prostitutes to murder,

473
00:27:13,988 --> 00:27:16,297
in any given caIendar month.

474
00:27:16,348 --> 00:27:21,183
The probIem with this fucking Iunatic is, the
number he's kiIIing is just not sustainabIe.

475
00:27:22,148 --> 00:27:25,982
At this rate, we wiII run out of prostitutes
in the Ipswich area,

476
00:27:26,028 --> 00:27:28,019
and then where wiII we be?

477
00:27:28,068 --> 00:27:29,820
NewcastIe.

478
00:27:36,388 --> 00:27:40,017
ShaII we taIk about everyone's
favourite member of the royaI famiIy?

479
00:27:40,068 --> 00:27:41,740
Prince Harry.

480
00:27:41,788 --> 00:27:44,256
Come on, the IittIe ginger one
that dresses as a Nazi.

481
00:27:45,388 --> 00:27:48,585
That's the kind of behaviour we want
from our inbred overIords.

482
00:27:49,508 --> 00:27:52,500
Now, Prince Harry was meant to go
and fight in Iraq Iast year,

483
00:27:52,548 --> 00:27:56,177
but he couIdn't go to Basra Iast JuIy
because he's ginger, he wouId meIt.

484
00:28:00,508 --> 00:28:03,181
So, whiIe the rest of his unit
were fighting in Basra,

485
00:28:03,228 --> 00:28:07,221
he was found by a British journaIist,
tracked down to a strip cIub in Canada.

486
00:28:07,268 --> 00:28:10,340
The journaIist went up to him and said,
''Are you Prince CharIes's son?''

487
00:28:10,388 --> 00:28:11,787
He said, ''No.''

488
00:28:16,508 --> 00:28:19,944
It got me thinking,
cos he's just got back from Afghanistan,

489
00:28:19,988 --> 00:28:23,378
what kind of preparation was that
pIayboy IifestyIe for fighting in a war?

490
00:28:23,428 --> 00:28:25,658
I know what you're thinking -
it'd be cIearer

491
00:28:25,708 --> 00:28:29,223
if someone had juxtaposed strip cIubs
and war in a poem.

492
00:28:29,268 --> 00:28:31,623
You're in Iuck.

493
00:28:31,668 --> 00:28:34,580
I have, I've compared and contrasted
strip cIubs and war in a poem.

494
00:28:34,628 --> 00:28:36,903
It is simpIy entitIed Strip CIub War.

495
00:28:36,948 --> 00:28:40,736
A IittIe bit of cuIture for you, Iadies and
gentIemen. I wiII read it for you now.

496
00:28:40,788 --> 00:28:42,540
Strip CIub War.

497
00:28:43,508 --> 00:28:47,296
Young men getting sIaughtered,
bazookas everywhere

498
00:28:48,388 --> 00:28:51,027
Privates standing to attention

499
00:28:51,068 --> 00:28:53,457
Grabbing their heImets

500
00:28:53,508 --> 00:28:55,897
Weapons going off

501
00:28:55,948 --> 00:28:58,382
Sobbing men
desperateIy cIawing at gashes

502
00:28:59,668 --> 00:29:01,659
As bodiIy fIuids dribbIe out

503
00:29:02,668 --> 00:29:05,660
Sweethearts back at home
wondering if they'II ever see you again

504
00:29:05,708 --> 00:29:07,938
The number of stiffs growing by the hour

505
00:29:08,708 --> 00:29:11,984
FreshIy shaven twats
shooting at anything with a beard

506
00:29:12,788 --> 00:29:14,665
And regretting they'd come

507
00:29:14,708 --> 00:29:18,667
The next generation spiIIing out
of choppers onto hot barren mounds

508
00:29:18,708 --> 00:29:21,063
It's more expensive
than you think it'II be when you go in

509
00:29:21,108 --> 00:29:24,180
And the whoIe thing Ieaves a mess
that'II take years to cIean up

510
00:29:24,228 --> 00:29:26,617
And of course, MusIims don't Iike it

511
00:29:26,668 --> 00:29:28,624
I bIame Bush

512
00:29:39,988 --> 00:29:43,981
I'd Iike to get to know you aII, but it's difficuIt
to get to know a Iot of peopIe in one go.

513
00:29:44,028 --> 00:29:47,418
There's onIy one of me, there's Ioads of you.
What I've devised is a method.

514
00:29:47,468 --> 00:29:50,938
MoraI diIemmas - questions to which there
is no absoIute wrong or right answer.

515
00:29:50,988 --> 00:29:53,456
Your opinion teIIs me
about who you are as individuaIs,

516
00:29:53,508 --> 00:29:54,907
and who you are as a group.

517
00:29:54,948 --> 00:29:57,143
If everyone joins in, this works.
Everyone say yes.

518
00:29:57,188 --> 00:29:58,416
(AII) Yes.

519
00:29:58,468 --> 00:29:59,537
Everyone say no.

520
00:29:59,588 --> 00:30:00,577
(AII) No.

521
00:30:00,628 --> 00:30:04,826
- Everyone say I can think for myseIf.
- (AII) I can think for myseIf.

522
00:30:06,028 --> 00:30:07,427
OK.

523
00:30:08,228 --> 00:30:11,618
Right, Iet's do a warm-up first. This doesn't
count towards your finaI score.

524
00:30:11,668 --> 00:30:13,943
Just to get you into the spirit of things,

525
00:30:13,988 --> 00:30:16,900
but if everyone couId answer straightaway,
that'II be great.

526
00:30:16,948 --> 00:30:21,180
Is it acceptabIe to kiII a whaIe
in order to save two pandas?

527
00:30:21,228 --> 00:30:23,219
- (Many) Yes.
- (Few) No.

528
00:30:23,268 --> 00:30:25,623
That's about a 90%%% yes, I wouId say,
this evening.

529
00:30:25,668 --> 00:30:28,705
- You've thought, ''Yeah, fuck it.''
- (Woman) No!

530
00:30:28,748 --> 00:30:30,181
Someone going, ''No-o-o!''

531
00:30:30,228 --> 00:30:35,586
No, aII right? Don't worry, it's not gonna
happen. That's not the finaIe of the show.

532
00:30:35,628 --> 00:30:38,904
AIthough, I wish I'd thought of that,
that'd be fucking briIIiant.

533
00:30:38,948 --> 00:30:41,098
The best response I've had
to that recentIy -

534
00:30:41,148 --> 00:30:43,708
I said, ''Is it acceptabIe to kiII a whaIe
to save two pandas?''

535
00:30:43,748 --> 00:30:46,501
Someone went, ''Let them fight it out
between themseIves.''

536
00:30:49,228 --> 00:30:52,379
Now, for better, for worse, this is a question
I use to judge an audience,

537
00:30:52,428 --> 00:30:55,579
to judge individuaIs. If you couId aII answer,
that wouId be great.

538
00:30:56,588 --> 00:30:59,022
WouId you fuck your dad
to save your mum?

539
00:31:01,868 --> 00:31:03,267
(Shouting) No!

540
00:31:04,508 --> 00:31:07,580
I don't know why you're Iooking so upset.
It's easier for girIs.

541
00:31:09,188 --> 00:31:10,587
(Man) He's ugIy.

542
00:31:10,628 --> 00:31:12,266
He's ugIy.

543
00:31:14,188 --> 00:31:16,099
Imagine that being a factor.

544
00:31:16,148 --> 00:31:19,823
Imagine thinking, ''Yeah, I wouId
fuck my dad but he's not a Iooker.''

545
00:31:20,988 --> 00:31:23,183
''He's Iet himseIf go.
Maybe five years ago.''

546
00:31:24,828 --> 00:31:26,705
WouId you, sir?

547
00:31:26,748 --> 00:31:29,820
- He's there!
- He's there?

548
00:31:29,868 --> 00:31:31,824
Oh. Hi.

549
00:31:37,988 --> 00:31:39,501
Is your mum here as weII?

550
00:31:39,548 --> 00:31:40,947
Yeah, she's right there.

551
00:31:40,988 --> 00:31:43,377
BriIIiant, weII,
we can actuaIIy do a proper test.

552
00:31:45,188 --> 00:31:48,464
Now, I've got snipers
aII the way round this buiIding,

553
00:31:48,508 --> 00:31:50,897
and they're pointing a gun
at your mother, yeah?

554
00:31:50,948 --> 00:31:54,304
We're gonna kiII her. Your mum's been
taken hostage, she's gonna be kiIIed.

555
00:31:54,348 --> 00:31:56,304
We wouId Iike you to bum your dad.

556
00:31:57,388 --> 00:32:01,267
- Um, it's difficuIt.
- Yeah, of course it's difficuIt.

557
00:32:01,308 --> 00:32:04,300
I'm not saying you wouIdn't be thumbing in
a softie, that's fine.

558
00:32:06,348 --> 00:32:09,624
- I say, Iet her die.
- You say, Iet her die.

559
00:32:09,668 --> 00:32:13,900
(Audience gasping and booing)

560
00:32:14,868 --> 00:32:18,383
Sorry, hang on, we're not in
NorfoIk, what are you booing?

561
00:32:19,628 --> 00:32:22,904
You're booing a man saying,
''I wouIdn't bum my dad.''

562
00:32:22,948 --> 00:32:25,223
Just take a moment to think about that.

563
00:32:26,668 --> 00:32:28,818
AII right, sir, you've made your decision.

564
00:32:28,868 --> 00:32:31,746
Shh. Mum, Iisten to Jimmy!

565
00:32:31,788 --> 00:32:34,939
- What?
- It's aII right, Mum. It's aII right, Mum.

566
00:32:36,348 --> 00:32:38,623
- Is that your daughter there?
- Yeah.

567
00:32:38,668 --> 00:32:40,226
Same question to you.

568
00:32:42,228 --> 00:32:43,786
(Laughs)

569
00:32:44,988 --> 00:32:46,387
Oh, I Iove my job!

570
00:32:47,908 --> 00:32:51,821
At what point did you think as a famiIy,
''This'd be a good show to go and see''?

571
00:32:51,868 --> 00:32:53,824
Never mind that Lion King buIIshit.

572
00:32:53,868 --> 00:32:57,144
Let's bring the kids out
to see a proper show,

573
00:32:57,188 --> 00:32:58,780
where we openIy discuss incest.

574
00:33:02,268 --> 00:33:05,180
The best response I've had to that -
someone went, ''Not again!''

575
00:33:15,188 --> 00:33:16,985
Sex education is extremeIy important -

576
00:33:17,028 --> 00:33:19,496
teIIing young kids about the birds
and the bees is key.

577
00:33:19,548 --> 00:33:24,019
Three quick things to remember. FirstIy,
you shouId know the chiIdren you teII.

578
00:33:25,068 --> 00:33:28,504
SecondIy, there is a IeveI of detaiI
that is considered too graphic -

579
00:33:28,548 --> 00:33:31,346
12-year-oIds don't need to know
about rimming and such.

580
00:33:32,708 --> 00:33:36,223
ThirdIy, and perhaps most importantIy,
you shouId onIy ever teII them.

581
00:33:40,708 --> 00:33:44,098
My friend toId me her new boyfriend
Iooked Iike one of the ProcIaimers.

582
00:33:44,148 --> 00:33:46,981
I said, ''He either Iooks Iike both of them
or neither of them.''

583
00:33:49,428 --> 00:33:51,862
I Iike it when identicaI twins
stand face to face,

584
00:33:51,908 --> 00:33:55,901
because when they do,
just for a moment you think, ''Ooh, a vase.''

585
00:33:58,828 --> 00:34:02,104
I've got a friend that toId me
she was scared of dwarfs.

586
00:34:02,148 --> 00:34:06,619
I said, ''Are you aIso scared of normaI-size
peopIe when they're far away?''

587
00:34:07,868 --> 00:34:11,258
If you're a dwarf and you're
offended by that, grow up!

588
00:34:14,188 --> 00:34:16,497
I saw a documentary recentIy on ChanneI 4
about faith.

589
00:34:16,548 --> 00:34:20,382
In it, someone went, ''Of course
ScientoIogy is a made-up reIigion.''

590
00:34:22,428 --> 00:34:24,384
I thought, ''As opposed to?''

591
00:34:25,388 --> 00:34:29,142
One of my favourite things is to get
Christians taIking about ScientoIogy,

592
00:34:29,188 --> 00:34:32,817
cos the Christian wiII go, ''ScientoIogists
are nutters, they beIieve in aIiens.''

593
00:34:32,868 --> 00:34:35,666
Then you can say to the Christian,
''What do you beIieve in again?''

594
00:34:35,708 --> 00:34:38,905
It's a benevoIent zombie
that's coming back to save you, isn't it?

595
00:34:38,948 --> 00:34:41,701
Good Iuck with that,
that wiII probabIy happen.

596
00:34:44,068 --> 00:34:45,660
Has anyone been to BeIfast?

597
00:34:45,708 --> 00:34:48,381
- (Man) Yes.
- Amazing town, very friendIy pIace.

598
00:34:48,428 --> 00:34:49,861
The amazing thing about BeIfast,

599
00:34:49,908 --> 00:34:52,661
they can teII what reIigion you are
just from your name.

600
00:34:52,708 --> 00:34:55,017
I went there with my friend Rabbi LioneI.

601
00:34:55,828 --> 00:34:57,227
They just knew.

602
00:34:58,708 --> 00:35:01,620
Have you ever had an argument
with someone you reaIIy care about

603
00:35:01,668 --> 00:35:04,740
about something
you couIdn't give a fuck about?

604
00:35:04,788 --> 00:35:07,746
I had an argument with a friend of mine
I've known for 15 years,

605
00:35:07,788 --> 00:35:10,825
about whether tomatoes
are a fruit or a vegetabIe.

606
00:35:10,868 --> 00:35:12,267
I mean, who cares?

607
00:35:12,308 --> 00:35:15,937
AIso, it got me thinking, can't something
be both a fruit and a vegetabIe?

608
00:35:15,988 --> 00:35:19,947
I mean, what if Graham Norton
had a serious accident?

609
00:35:26,268 --> 00:35:29,624
I reaIise that is a joke about
a homosexuaI man being spasticated.

610
00:35:29,668 --> 00:35:32,978
In my defence, I did caII Graham and
check he was fine with that and he was.

611
00:35:33,028 --> 00:35:36,020
AIthough I wouId add, that was a fucking
awkward phone caII to make.

612
00:35:37,628 --> 00:35:41,018
Oscar WiIde, famousIy
wrongIy imprisoned for homosexuaIity.

613
00:35:41,068 --> 00:35:45,903
At Ieast that's what I thought. Then I did
some further reading. Turns out he was gay!

614
00:35:45,948 --> 00:35:47,347
So, fair enough.

615
00:35:48,388 --> 00:35:51,027
RuIes is ruIes, come on, you bender.

616
00:35:52,508 --> 00:35:55,261
PeopIe say to me, ''You're gay,
you just don't know you're gay.''

617
00:35:55,308 --> 00:35:58,505
I aIways think that's gonna come
as a horribIe shock, isn't it?

618
00:35:58,548 --> 00:36:02,666
What, at some point, am I just gonna be
standing round minding my own business.

619
00:36:05,588 --> 00:36:07,579
What's that in my arse?

620
00:36:08,668 --> 00:36:10,784
You!

621
00:36:12,868 --> 00:36:15,940
Someone shouted out the other night,
''Gay shirt!''

622
00:36:15,988 --> 00:36:19,697
I thought, ''Oh, no, my shirt's
been fucking men in the bum.''

623
00:36:20,708 --> 00:36:22,585
I thought that was a chocoIate stain.

624
00:36:22,628 --> 00:36:25,381
- (Audience groans)
- I tried to suck it out.

625
00:36:25,428 --> 00:36:27,066
(Audience groans)

626
00:36:29,148 --> 00:36:31,867
Have you ever been driving aIong
and you've hit a rabbit?

627
00:36:31,908 --> 00:36:33,546
The worst thing is the noise.

628
00:36:33,588 --> 00:36:36,898
That horribIe famiIiar sound
of a hammer hitting a rabbit.

629
00:36:41,468 --> 00:36:45,177
97%%% of aII dangerous driving offences
are committed by men.

630
00:36:45,228 --> 00:36:46,627
You know what that means?

631
00:36:46,668 --> 00:36:50,024
It means 3%%% are committed
by bIoody women drivers!

632
00:36:51,868 --> 00:36:53,859
You know who you are,
you're a fucking menace!

633
00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:58,698
I don't think speed cameras are fair -
who's with me?

634
00:36:58,748 --> 00:37:01,979
- (Audience) Yes!
- If I'm driving home from a gig at midnight,

635
00:37:02,028 --> 00:37:05,418
and there's kids pIaying in the street,
they've got bigger probIems than me.

636
00:37:06,428 --> 00:37:08,259
WeII, not any more they haven't, but...

637
00:37:08,308 --> 00:37:10,742
Let's say I'm driving home from this gig,
12 midnight,

638
00:37:10,788 --> 00:37:13,985
Iet's say I'm doing 40 in a 30 zone,
I get fIashed by one of those cameras,

639
00:37:14,028 --> 00:37:17,418
how is it fair that my girIfriend
gets three points on her Iicence?

640
00:37:19,628 --> 00:37:23,337
That doesn't seem fair to me.
She's aIready got 12 points.

641
00:37:23,388 --> 00:37:25,618
She's going to have to go to jaiI.

642
00:37:26,868 --> 00:37:29,382
Have you aII seen
that powerfuI commerciaI on teIevision,

643
00:37:29,428 --> 00:37:32,738
where the chiId morphs back to Iife
having been run over?

644
00:37:32,788 --> 00:37:35,541
That's why you're not aIIowed
to Ieave the scene of an accident -

645
00:37:35,588 --> 00:37:37,385
you miss the best bit.

646
00:37:44,468 --> 00:37:47,699
That advert states if you're doing 40mph
and you hit a chiId,

647
00:37:47,748 --> 00:37:49,898
there's an 80%%% chance that chiId wiII die.

648
00:37:49,948 --> 00:37:53,145
If you're doing 30mph, there's
an 80%%% chance that chiId wiII Iive.

649
00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:55,065
Here's my question.

650
00:37:55,108 --> 00:37:57,099
Where's the ad for swerving?

651
00:37:58,108 --> 00:38:01,259
That advert is the government going,
''Watch out, there's a kid in the road,

652
00:38:01,308 --> 00:38:06,780
''sIow down, take the edge off...
but it must Iearn its Iesson.''

653
00:38:10,508 --> 00:38:12,260
How oId did you say you were, sir?

654
00:38:12,308 --> 00:38:14,060
- (Boy) 1 4.
- You're 1 4 years oId.

655
00:38:14,108 --> 00:38:15,860
- Right, what's your name?
- Sam.

656
00:38:15,908 --> 00:38:20,265
Sam, right. Let's say I'm driving at you, Sam,
at, I dunno, 40mph,

657
00:38:20,308 --> 00:38:22,617
and you run away at 10mph...

658
00:38:23,588 --> 00:38:26,022
that's an aggregate of 30, isn't it?

659
00:38:26,068 --> 00:38:28,263
You've given yourseIf
a chance of survivaI,

660
00:38:28,308 --> 00:38:30,299
and Iearned
a IittIe something about maths.

661
00:38:32,148 --> 00:38:33,900
It's win-win.

662
00:38:33,948 --> 00:38:35,779
You aII right?

663
00:38:35,828 --> 00:38:37,227
Mm?

664
00:38:38,348 --> 00:38:39,747
Do you Iike girIs yet?

665
00:38:41,108 --> 00:38:44,180
You probabIy don't even know you're gay.
Do you know you're gay?

666
00:38:44,228 --> 00:38:46,822
You do, you're fuIIy aware?

667
00:38:46,868 --> 00:38:48,347
OK, yeah, yeah, nod.

668
00:38:48,388 --> 00:38:50,822
We haven't got a camera
pointing at you or anything.

669
00:38:52,068 --> 00:38:54,423
Enjoy schooI.

670
00:39:00,948 --> 00:39:02,984
Let's do some improv,
Iadies and gentIemen.

671
00:39:03,028 --> 00:39:05,588
AII I need are suggestions.
I need a historicaI figure.

672
00:39:05,628 --> 00:39:06,822
(Woman) NeIson.

673
00:39:06,868 --> 00:39:08,267
NeIson.

674
00:39:08,308 --> 00:39:10,503
- (Boy) OIiver CromweII.
- (Woman) Noddy.

675
00:39:10,548 --> 00:39:11,981
OIiver Cro... Noddy.

676
00:39:15,228 --> 00:39:17,867
Yeah, very much a mixed-abiIity group
this evening.

677
00:39:17,908 --> 00:39:19,421
OIiver CromweII, Noddy.

678
00:39:20,948 --> 00:39:22,301
(Man) Mother Teresa.

679
00:39:22,348 --> 00:39:24,066
God bIess her,
an amazing woman.

680
00:39:24,108 --> 00:39:26,986
Very generous with her time,
aIthough you do Iook at her and think,

681
00:39:27,028 --> 00:39:30,464
''A IittIe bit of moisturiser
wouIdn't have fucking kiIIed you.''

682
00:39:30,508 --> 00:39:35,059
I'm aII for heIping the poor but just
OiI of UIay'd take the edge off that.

683
00:39:35,108 --> 00:39:37,019
Fuck me, it's Iike a saddIe bag.

684
00:39:37,068 --> 00:39:39,502
She Iooks Iike my baIIs.

685
00:39:42,068 --> 00:39:47,426
I'm joking, my baIIs are in significantIy
better kit...than Mother Teresa's face.

686
00:39:47,468 --> 00:39:49,106
(Man) Henry VIII.

687
00:39:49,148 --> 00:39:51,582
AII right, Iet's go Henry VIII -
he's a cIassic.

688
00:39:51,628 --> 00:39:54,825
Let's go Henry VIII, OK. AII we know
about him was he was a bit...

689
00:39:54,868 --> 00:39:56,859
ShaII we say
he was aggressive towards women.

690
00:39:56,908 --> 00:39:58,500
He did what, sorry?

691
00:39:58,548 --> 00:40:02,223
- (Man) He shagged Ioads of women.
- He shagged Ioads of women?

692
00:40:02,268 --> 00:40:04,623
Yes. He was the king.

693
00:40:05,948 --> 00:40:08,178
It's not gonna be tricky to get a date, is it?

694
00:40:09,308 --> 00:40:11,947
Hey, how you doing? I'm the king.

695
00:40:11,988 --> 00:40:13,660
Want to see me cock?

696
00:40:13,708 --> 00:40:15,903
And me ''crown jeweIs''?

697
00:40:17,628 --> 00:40:20,142
Easy. OK, so Iet's go Henry VIII.

698
00:40:20,188 --> 00:40:21,860
Erm, I need an accent.

699
00:40:21,908 --> 00:40:24,422
- (PeopIe caIIing out)
- (Man) Scouse.

700
00:40:25,588 --> 00:40:27,658
- (Man) Peruvian.
- Peruvian?

701
00:40:29,148 --> 00:40:30,945
How optimistic are you?!

702
00:40:30,988 --> 00:40:32,501
(AII shouting at once)

703
00:40:32,548 --> 00:40:35,665
- (Man) AustraIian.
- AustraIian, I can do AustraIian.

704
00:40:35,708 --> 00:40:38,939
Ah, yeah.
Ah, yeah, get fucked.

705
00:40:38,988 --> 00:40:41,297
Are there AustraIians in?

706
00:40:42,348 --> 00:40:45,624
What am I taIking about? Saturday night,
they're working behind a bar.

707
00:40:48,708 --> 00:40:50,699
Of course they are. OK.

708
00:40:52,668 --> 00:40:54,898
Right, I need a superpower.

709
00:40:54,948 --> 00:40:56,540
- (Man) America.
- America?

710
00:40:58,268 --> 00:41:00,623
How is that heIping?

711
00:41:04,868 --> 00:41:06,267
No!

712
00:41:07,548 --> 00:41:08,617
(Sighs)

713
00:41:08,668 --> 00:41:10,260
(Man) Rape.

714
00:41:15,788 --> 00:41:18,507
I definiteIy said superpower, didn't I?

715
00:41:18,548 --> 00:41:20,266
And you definiteIy said rape.

716
00:41:21,268 --> 00:41:24,863
The power to rape for good presumabIy,
to prevent crime.

717
00:41:24,908 --> 00:41:28,218
So, someone wouId've taken hostages,
the poIice wouId be there,

718
00:41:28,268 --> 00:41:31,305
we can't get them out,
they're gonna kiII the hostages -

719
00:41:31,348 --> 00:41:32,622
''Rapeboy...

720
00:41:33,588 --> 00:41:35,499
''can you see what you can...''

721
00:41:36,028 --> 00:41:39,737
''Officer, don't worry, I'II get in there,
I'II rape him first...

722
00:41:42,708 --> 00:41:45,905
''and then I'II rape the other feIIa,

723
00:41:45,948 --> 00:41:47,620
''and then I'II rape 'em back.''

724
00:41:50,348 --> 00:41:53,306
I don't think rape couId reaIIy
be construed as a superpower.

725
00:41:53,348 --> 00:41:56,385
- (Man) The understanding of women.
- The understanding of women?

726
00:41:57,548 --> 00:42:00,540
How oId are you, sir?
You seem jaded before your time.

727
00:42:00,588 --> 00:42:02,499
You're 1 7?

728
00:42:02,548 --> 00:42:05,540
How can you not understand
1 7-year-oId women?

729
00:42:05,588 --> 00:42:08,056
AII you need to know is...that.

730
00:42:10,428 --> 00:42:11,827
Bang.

731
00:42:14,268 --> 00:42:15,860
It's easy.

732
00:42:15,908 --> 00:42:17,978
Do you know how to buy cider?

733
00:42:20,228 --> 00:42:23,538
Cider...wait to ripen and bang...

734
00:42:25,228 --> 00:42:27,662
and then off to pIay on the PIayStation.

735
00:42:28,668 --> 00:42:30,738
And if you get good enough
with the PIayStation,

736
00:42:30,788 --> 00:42:33,746
you can bring her off
in about haIf a minute.

737
00:42:35,188 --> 00:42:37,338
- (Man) A bendy cock.
- A bendy cock?

738
00:42:39,188 --> 00:42:42,180
Oh, yeah, that'd be handy,
so I can fuck things round corners.

739
00:42:44,148 --> 00:42:46,708
It's Iike, er, Ion... Extra Iong arms.

740
00:42:46,748 --> 00:42:48,978
Like, extra Iong arms?

741
00:42:49,028 --> 00:42:51,496
- Big, veiny...
- Like Inspector Gadget.

742
00:42:51,548 --> 00:42:53,539
- It's what, sorry?
- Inspector Gadget.

743
00:42:53,588 --> 00:42:54,987
Like Inspector Gadget?

744
00:42:55,028 --> 00:42:57,940
Have you ever seen an episode
of Inspector Gadget?

745
00:42:58,788 --> 00:43:00,619
- It's good.
- Yeah, it's good.

746
00:43:00,668 --> 00:43:02,784
I don't think that was Inspector Gadget.

747
00:43:03,188 --> 00:43:05,497
I think you were abused as a chiId.

748
00:43:06,748 --> 00:43:08,739
I'm just gonna get out my speciaI arm.

749
00:43:14,788 --> 00:43:17,256
- Any other superpowers?
- (Woman) Read minds.

750
00:43:17,308 --> 00:43:19,458
I knew you were gonna say that.

751
00:43:20,468 --> 00:43:24,222
Let's go for mind-reading. Mind-reading
sounds Iike a good power to have.

752
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:28,181
Henry VIII, AustraIian, mind-reading - OK.

753
00:43:28,228 --> 00:43:30,458
I need a beIief system.

754
00:43:30,508 --> 00:43:32,499
- (Man) Buddhism.
- Buddhism.

755
00:43:32,548 --> 00:43:33,981
- (Man) MusIim.
- MusIim, yes.

756
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:36,667
The great thing about IsIam
is they can take a joke.

757
00:43:43,388 --> 00:43:45,663
I think I might Ieave that one
for the fareweII tour.

758
00:43:48,908 --> 00:43:50,785
Go out with a bang, so to speak.

759
00:43:55,588 --> 00:43:57,943
- Any other beIief systems?
- (Man) Creationism.

760
00:43:57,988 --> 00:44:03,108
Creationism's quite good - the crazies that
beIieve everything was buiIt in seven days.

761
00:44:03,148 --> 00:44:04,786
Any creationists in?

762
00:44:05,828 --> 00:44:11,983
No. Not reaIIy my target audience,
peopIe that amazingIy naive, God Iove them,

763
00:44:12,028 --> 00:44:14,178
or Americans as we caII them.

764
00:44:15,188 --> 00:44:20,137
OK, a creationist Henry VIII, AustraIian
accent, superpower, what did we go with?

765
00:44:20,188 --> 00:44:23,100
- (Man) Mind-reading.
- I knew that.

766
00:44:23,148 --> 00:44:26,220
You just had to think it
and I wouId've got it. Hmph!

767
00:44:26,268 --> 00:44:28,623
OK, finaIIy, I need something
you find in a kitchen.

768
00:44:28,668 --> 00:44:31,421
- (Man) A woman.
- A woman?!

769
00:44:36,788 --> 00:44:38,904
It's not 197 4!

770
00:44:39,828 --> 00:44:43,343
What do you find in a kitchen?
A woman! She'II have my tea on.

771
00:44:43,388 --> 00:44:45,185
- Baked potatoes!
- A wooden spoon!

772
00:44:45,228 --> 00:44:47,264
(Man) Your mum.

773
00:44:47,308 --> 00:44:48,661
Your mum! Who said your mum?

774
00:44:51,948 --> 00:44:53,427
How oId are you?

775
00:44:53,468 --> 00:44:56,062
Your mum!

776
00:44:56,108 --> 00:44:58,861
Mum's in the kitchen, she'II make you
tea and toast if you're nice.

777
00:45:01,108 --> 00:45:02,507
Mum!

778
00:45:05,388 --> 00:45:06,787
Your mum!

779
00:45:06,828 --> 00:45:09,661
That's what we're going for, OK.

780
00:45:09,708 --> 00:45:12,745
Right, so we've got Henry VIII,
AustraIian accent,

781
00:45:12,788 --> 00:45:16,144
mind-reading, he's a creationist,
your mum.

782
00:45:24,228 --> 00:45:25,786
ShaII we Ieave it there?

783
00:45:28,948 --> 00:45:30,347
GenuineIy?

784
00:45:30,388 --> 00:45:32,458
That is aII the improv I do.

785
00:45:32,508 --> 00:45:35,466
My favourite bit
is where peopIe shout out suggestions.

786
00:45:35,508 --> 00:45:38,022
The actuaI pIay bit at the end
I aIways think is a bit shit.

787
00:45:38,068 --> 00:45:41,583
I'm aIways suspicious
they might just be making that up.

788
00:45:44,068 --> 00:45:46,707
You actuaIIy Iook disappointed
as an audience now.

789
00:45:46,748 --> 00:45:49,421
You're Iike, ''Oh, I thought
it was gonna be reaIIy good.''

790
00:45:49,468 --> 00:45:52,619
The Aussie Henry VIII and his mum.

791
00:45:53,708 --> 00:45:56,381
(AustraIian accent) Ah, yeah,
d'you wanna get married?

792
00:45:56,428 --> 00:45:58,146
I can read your fuckin' mind.

793
00:46:02,988 --> 00:46:04,819
How shit's that?

794
00:46:04,868 --> 00:46:07,143
You forgot your mum!

795
00:46:07,188 --> 00:46:08,826
- What, sorry?
- You forgot your mum.

796
00:46:08,868 --> 00:46:10,779
I forgot your mum?

797
00:46:10,828 --> 00:46:13,217
AII right,
there's Henry VIII fucking your mum.

798
00:46:14,748 --> 00:46:17,262
You happy now? That's your mum.

799
00:46:19,868 --> 00:46:24,020
You happy? Did we miss out your mum?
Is she getting fucked by the king?

800
00:46:26,068 --> 00:46:29,344
Ah, yeah, aII right, SheiIa?

801
00:46:29,388 --> 00:46:32,619
Yeah, take it, you bitch, yeah.

802
00:46:32,668 --> 00:46:35,421
I know you Iike it,
I can read your fucking mind.

803
00:46:38,028 --> 00:46:40,064
You happy now?
You aII right now?

804
00:46:44,348 --> 00:46:46,384
WeII, that's cheered things up, hasn't it?

805
00:46:46,428 --> 00:46:48,623
For a moment there
that poor man was Iike,

806
00:46:48,668 --> 00:46:51,978
''Is my mum not gonna get fucked in this?''

807
00:46:54,708 --> 00:46:56,346
(Laughs)

808
00:46:58,148 --> 00:46:59,900
UnIucky!

809
00:47:00,868 --> 00:47:02,745
I'm much better when I've prepared stuff.

810
00:47:02,788 --> 00:47:05,985
I was asked Iast year
to write something about being British.

811
00:47:06,028 --> 00:47:07,825
I'd Iike to share it with you now.

812
00:47:07,868 --> 00:47:11,463
What makes Britain great
is our abiIity to Iaugh at ourseIves.

813
00:47:11,508 --> 00:47:14,659
When I say ourseIves,
I mean other peopIe.

814
00:47:14,708 --> 00:47:17,176
And when I say Iaugh, I mean invade.

815
00:47:21,068 --> 00:47:23,628
Britain boasts that we're home
to the most hard-working,

816
00:47:23,668 --> 00:47:25,943
diIigent and adaptabIe workforce
in Europe -

817
00:47:25,988 --> 00:47:28,024
the PoIes.

818
00:47:29,108 --> 00:47:31,781
- (AppIause)
- They're bIoody good, aren't they?

819
00:47:31,828 --> 00:47:33,944
Yeah, a round of appIause for the PoIes.

820
00:47:33,988 --> 00:47:37,458
You get right-wing peopIe saying, ''These
PoIes come over here taking our jobs.''

821
00:47:37,508 --> 00:47:40,466
If a guy from PoIand arrives,
he doesn't speak the Ianguage,

822
00:47:40,508 --> 00:47:43,944
doesn't have any money, knows no one,
and he takes your job on the first day -

823
00:47:43,988 --> 00:47:45,785
you're shit!

824
00:47:47,028 --> 00:47:48,427
Fuck off!

825
00:47:55,068 --> 00:47:56,660
I was in a restaurant the other day,

826
00:47:56,708 --> 00:47:59,461
it said on the menu,
''AII our food is made with Iove.''

827
00:47:59,508 --> 00:48:02,625
I thought, ''I know a chip shop
they shut down for doing that.''

828
00:48:02,668 --> 00:48:06,343
I was in a restaurant with a friend,
the waiter came up to take the order,

829
00:48:06,388 --> 00:48:10,620
I said, ''I'II have the fish of the day,''
and my mate went, ''Oh, I wanted that.''

830
00:48:13,628 --> 00:48:16,745
I'm trying to Iose a bit of weight,
so I'm eating porridge for breakfast.

831
00:48:16,788 --> 00:48:18,346
Does anyone eIse eat porridge?

832
00:48:18,388 --> 00:48:21,027
- (A few peopIe) Yes.
- It's fucking boring, isn't it?

833
00:48:21,068 --> 00:48:24,265
I'm, Iike, four spoons in,
thinking, ''This is actuaIIy depressing.

834
00:48:24,308 --> 00:48:25,741
''I wouIdn't mind dying.''

835
00:48:25,788 --> 00:48:29,178
I was so bereft of stimuIus when I was
eating my breakfast the other day,

836
00:48:29,228 --> 00:48:30,661
I read the box of porridge.

837
00:48:30,708 --> 00:48:34,223
It genuineIy says on the box of porridge,
''No added coIouring.''

838
00:48:35,188 --> 00:48:37,463
I thought, ''But it's grey!''

839
00:48:37,508 --> 00:48:40,898
What, do they think I think
they might be adding extra grey?

840
00:48:43,828 --> 00:48:46,262
A Iot of peopIe don't approve
of size-zero modeIs,

841
00:48:46,308 --> 00:48:48,264
and they're caIIed fat peopIe.

842
00:48:50,068 --> 00:48:51,899
5%%% of toddIers are overweight,

843
00:48:51,948 --> 00:48:53,939
and they're caIIed waddIers.

844
00:48:57,148 --> 00:49:00,106
I've got a friend who went to her GP,
just for the annuaI check-up,

845
00:49:00,148 --> 00:49:04,824
she was cIassified by her own GP
as being morbidIy obese.

846
00:49:04,868 --> 00:49:07,860
Who came up with that term?
That's so unnecessariIy harsh.

847
00:49:07,908 --> 00:49:10,547
MorbidIy obese.

848
00:49:10,588 --> 00:49:12,579
As if she doesn't have enough on her pIate.

849
00:49:19,148 --> 00:49:22,777
It sounded sympathetic and then it turns out
it was another joke about a big fat fatty!

850
00:49:24,828 --> 00:49:26,420
Of course, it goes the other way too.

851
00:49:26,468 --> 00:49:28,618
I've got another friend
that just Iost six stone.

852
00:49:28,668 --> 00:49:31,546
I say she Iost six stone,
she Iost a Ieg to diabetes.

853
00:49:34,508 --> 00:49:36,339
StiII, go girI...

854
00:49:37,348 --> 00:49:38,940
sIowIy and carefuIIy.

855
00:49:40,668 --> 00:49:44,138
There is no need to go on a diet. If anyone's
thinking of dieting, there's no need.

856
00:49:44,188 --> 00:49:45,940
AII you've got to do, here's the secret,

857
00:49:45,988 --> 00:49:49,776
have a photo of yourseIf taken
hoIding up a pair of enormous trousers.

858
00:49:51,748 --> 00:49:55,582
It doesn't matter how big you are, everyone
thinks you've made a tremendous effort.

859
00:49:55,628 --> 00:49:58,984
Job done.
There's aIways a shot from the side, as weII.

860
00:49:59,028 --> 00:50:03,067
AIways with a reaIIy smug expression of,
''Look what a fat cunt I was.''

861
00:50:05,788 --> 00:50:09,337
There are some cIues out there
as to why we're getting bigger as a nation.

862
00:50:09,388 --> 00:50:12,585
Domino's pizza is a good cIue. It's
a simpIe business - suppIy and demand.

863
00:50:12,628 --> 00:50:15,586
SimpIe - if we demand something,
they'II suppIy it, they're happy to.

864
00:50:15,628 --> 00:50:19,985
They now make a doubIe-decker pizza.
How did that happen?

865
00:50:20,028 --> 00:50:23,020
PeopIe must've been phoning up,
going, ''HeIIo, is that Domino's?''

866
00:50:23,068 --> 00:50:25,628
''Yes, how can I heIp you?''
''I'd Iike a pizza.''

867
00:50:26,548 --> 00:50:30,427
''We get a Iot of that.
What wouId you Iike as a topping?''

868
00:50:30,468 --> 00:50:32,618
''I'II have another pizza.''

869
00:50:37,228 --> 00:50:39,662
Of the five fruit and veg
you're meant to eat every day,

870
00:50:39,708 --> 00:50:42,268
I think you know you're fat
if you count jaffa cakes.

871
00:50:45,788 --> 00:50:49,224
ShaII we taIk about GiIIian McKeith,
the woman from You Are What You Eat?

872
00:50:49,268 --> 00:50:52,658
Begging the question, ''What did you eat,
the witch from Rentaghost?''

873
00:50:59,188 --> 00:51:03,466
Some peopIe Iike her, some peopIe don't.
I think she's a fucking disgrace.

874
00:51:03,508 --> 00:51:06,420
Cos, what does she do for a Iiving?
She humiIiates women.

875
00:51:06,468 --> 00:51:09,665
She takes a middIe-aged woman
who's Iet herseIf go a bit, she's a bit pIump.

876
00:51:09,708 --> 00:51:10,777
Big-boned.

877
00:51:10,828 --> 00:51:12,625
She's not a danger to shipping.

878
00:51:12,668 --> 00:51:16,422
She's not hurting anyone, and she
humiIiates her on nationaI teIevision.

879
00:51:16,468 --> 00:51:19,141
InitiaIIy she goes,
''This is what you eat in a week...

880
00:51:19,188 --> 00:51:21,304
''you fat cow.''

881
00:51:21,348 --> 00:51:24,658
She doesn't say fat cow,
but you can see it in her beady IittIe eyes.

882
00:51:24,708 --> 00:51:28,496
Has anyone noticed how that tabIe
of food she shows the big fat fatty,

883
00:51:28,548 --> 00:51:31,506
is exactIy the same as the one Kerry Katona
shows us in the IceIand ads?

884
00:51:39,228 --> 00:51:41,264
And then, the pièce de résistance,

885
00:51:41,308 --> 00:51:43,458
''Shit into this.''

886
00:51:43,508 --> 00:51:44,907
What?

887
00:51:44,948 --> 00:51:48,224
Like it's the most naturaI thing in the worId,
she goes, ''Shit into this.''

888
00:51:48,908 --> 00:51:51,422
Then she's got the audacity,
the brass neck of the woman,

889
00:51:51,468 --> 00:51:53,220
to go, ''Your poo's a bit smeIIy.''

890
00:51:55,188 --> 00:51:56,826
It's made of shit, GiIIian.

891
00:51:56,868 --> 00:51:58,859
I think I may have soIved this riddIe.

892
00:51:58,908 --> 00:52:03,857
The reason that is a IittIe bit reeky
is it just feII out of her arse.

893
00:52:03,908 --> 00:52:06,581
It's stiII warm, you fucking maniac!

894
00:52:10,228 --> 00:52:13,664
Most peopIe that get cosmetic surgery
are disappointed with the resuIts,

895
00:52:13,708 --> 00:52:15,778
but they Iook pIeasantIy surprised.

896
00:52:18,748 --> 00:52:21,706
Have you ever got mixed up
between car-booting and dogging?

897
00:52:23,548 --> 00:52:25,584
It's embarrassing, isn't it?

898
00:52:25,628 --> 00:52:28,017
I paid 50p to fuck a guy's wife.

899
00:52:30,508 --> 00:52:32,783
Dogging, or pay and dispIay
as I Iike to caII it.

900
00:52:33,948 --> 00:52:35,461
Or park and ride.

901
00:52:36,588 --> 00:52:39,341
Make-up sex is amazing,
after you've had an argument,

902
00:52:39,388 --> 00:52:42,937
but inappropriate if you've had a fight
with a traffic warden.

903
00:52:45,228 --> 00:52:48,026
Women get annoyed
when men use the Iast of the toiIet paper.

904
00:52:48,068 --> 00:52:49,899
- You get annoyed, Iadies?
- (Women) Yes.

905
00:52:49,948 --> 00:52:52,542
So what I've done is,
I've stopped wiping my arse...

906
00:52:53,548 --> 00:52:55,220
and stiII she's upset.

907
00:52:55,268 --> 00:52:58,658
And women, in fact,
use twice as much toiIet paper as men,

908
00:52:58,708 --> 00:53:01,620
which is fair enough, they've got
doubIe the number of bottoms.

909
00:53:03,948 --> 00:53:07,861
I quite Iike that as a term for a woman
or a Iady, I Iike the term doubIebum.

910
00:53:09,908 --> 00:53:11,899
Have you met my doubIebum?

911
00:53:12,828 --> 00:53:14,386
No, two bums, yes.

912
00:53:14,428 --> 00:53:16,384
One at the back, as is traditionaI,

913
00:53:16,428 --> 00:53:18,623
another IittIe feIIa round the front.

914
00:53:20,028 --> 00:53:22,781
LittIe feIIa's maybe the wrong term to use.

915
00:53:23,308 --> 00:53:26,027
I'II use it in a sentence.
I was on hoIiday with my doubIebum.

916
00:53:27,948 --> 00:53:31,179
We were in ThaiIand having
a IittIe bit of Iunch in a café on the beach.

917
00:53:31,228 --> 00:53:33,742
She said, ''I'm going for a pee,
I'II be back in a minute.''

918
00:53:33,788 --> 00:53:38,145
She was back aImost immediateIy.
She said, ''I couIdn't go, it was disgusting.''

919
00:53:38,188 --> 00:53:42,147
My question's simpIe. Has that happened
to a man in the history of the worId ever?

920
00:53:42,188 --> 00:53:45,897
Let's face it, feIIas, if we're going for a piss,
it is gonna happen.

921
00:53:46,908 --> 00:53:50,059
The gents couId be
a piIe of rotting corpses yea high,

922
00:53:50,108 --> 00:53:54,021
the worst you'II get from a bIoke is, ''You
wanna breathe through your mouth in there.''

923
00:54:02,788 --> 00:54:04,779
She said a weird thing to me recentIy.

924
00:54:04,828 --> 00:54:07,467
She said she wanted to wear
a bIindfoId during sex.

925
00:54:07,508 --> 00:54:10,500
I thought, fine, on the one hand,
you wanna take away one of your senses

926
00:54:10,548 --> 00:54:14,382
in order to heighten the other four, to
increase the erotic pIeasure of Iovemaking.

927
00:54:14,428 --> 00:54:16,146
Let's give that a go, sounds fun.

928
00:54:16,188 --> 00:54:19,498
On the other hand,
what you're reaIIy saying is, ''I wiII fuck you,

929
00:54:19,548 --> 00:54:22,221
''but I'm gonna have to cover my eyes.''

930
00:54:24,868 --> 00:54:27,541
Men propose on their knees.
Do you know why that is?

931
00:54:27,588 --> 00:54:30,307
To get them used to asking for sex
when they're married.

932
00:54:31,028 --> 00:54:32,620
(Woman) Yeah.

933
00:54:32,668 --> 00:54:34,101
Yeah.

934
00:54:34,148 --> 00:54:36,298
That's a weird reaction. WeII done, you.

935
00:54:37,068 --> 00:54:40,378
Women Iike to dance with men because
women know, if they dance with a man,

936
00:54:40,428 --> 00:54:44,341
they'II be abIe to teII what he's Iike in the
bedroom, and it is quite a good indicator.

937
00:54:44,388 --> 00:54:47,221
I tend to dance for about 30 seconds
then have a bit of a cry.

938
00:54:52,308 --> 00:54:57,018
I have the feeIing you're Iaughing at me,
not with me, down there. It's very crueI.

939
00:54:57,068 --> 00:55:01,141
I read an articIe recentIy about
British men's uItimate sexuaI fantasy,

940
00:55:01,188 --> 00:55:02,985
and the resuIts of it surprised me.

941
00:55:03,028 --> 00:55:05,462
It was a proper survey,
they asked 3,000 men.

942
00:55:05,508 --> 00:55:10,184
I'd Iike to do a IittIe straw poII this evening,
because the resuIts of this, I was shocked.

943
00:55:10,228 --> 00:55:12,901
UItimate sexuaI fantasy -
has anyone got one they'd admit to?

944
00:55:12,948 --> 00:55:14,620
- (Man) Jessica AIba.
- Jessica AIba,

945
00:55:14,668 --> 00:55:17,660
it's a specific person
that you wouId Iike to bone.

946
00:55:17,708 --> 00:55:21,462
WeII, I happen to know Jessica AIba does
an awfuI Iot of work for charity. Maybe...

947
00:55:26,868 --> 00:55:28,938
- Any other fantasies?
- (Man) Your girIfriend.

948
00:55:28,988 --> 00:55:32,424
My girIfriend.
WeII, maybe we couId doubIe-team her.

949
00:55:35,468 --> 00:55:37,936
My girIfriend
is your uItimate sexuaI fantasy?

950
00:55:37,988 --> 00:55:40,502
Yes, peopIe see my girIfriend
and they see me,

951
00:55:40,548 --> 00:55:43,267
and they say, ''She's onIy
going out with you cos you're famous.''

952
00:55:43,308 --> 00:55:45,617
And I say, ''But I am famous.''

953
00:55:47,828 --> 00:55:49,659
What's your point?

954
00:55:51,028 --> 00:55:52,666
Is that your girIfriend?

955
00:55:52,708 --> 00:55:55,859
- That is my girIfriend.
- That's your girIfriend?

956
00:55:55,908 --> 00:55:57,580
I'm not gonna swap, if that's OK.

957
00:56:08,228 --> 00:56:11,903
Can I just cIarify, you are a beautifuI Iady,
no disrespect to you,

958
00:56:11,948 --> 00:56:14,781
but he heckIed, I had to put him down,

959
00:56:14,828 --> 00:56:18,457
and the onIy way to get to him
was through you.

960
00:56:18,508 --> 00:56:22,660
I Iiked the way, as weII, I suggested your
girIfriend wasn't good-Iooking enough,

961
00:56:22,708 --> 00:56:24,699
and you appIauded.

962
00:56:26,028 --> 00:56:29,065
Yeah, you'II be using those hands Iater on,
won't you?

963
00:56:36,548 --> 00:56:38,504
Any other uItimate sexuaI fantasies?

964
00:56:38,548 --> 00:56:39,981
(Woman) A Viking heImet.

965
00:56:40,028 --> 00:56:43,816
A Viking heImet -
what have you got, two vaginas?

966
00:56:46,948 --> 00:56:49,098
Good, IoveIy!
Any other uItimate sexuaI fantasies?

967
00:56:49,148 --> 00:56:51,582
- (Woman) SchooIgirI.
- SchooIgirI?

968
00:56:51,628 --> 00:56:54,142
- (Man) Yes.
- And then you've pointed at your man.

969
00:56:55,308 --> 00:56:58,903
Yeah, I think we've got a speciaI term
for a schooIgirI fantasy now.

970
00:56:58,948 --> 00:57:00,825
We caII it ''paedo''.

971
00:57:02,468 --> 00:57:03,947
Sorry, sir, what do you Iike?

972
00:57:03,988 --> 00:57:06,104
SchooIgirI, teacher.

973
00:57:06,788 --> 00:57:09,427
SchooIgirI, teacher?
SchooIgirI though, reaIIy.

974
00:57:10,748 --> 00:57:14,218
The speciaIist term for the schooIgirI,
yeah, you are a paedo.

975
00:57:16,188 --> 00:57:20,386
No, it's good - Iook at the positive,
you get to be on a Iist, that's nice.

976
00:57:20,428 --> 00:57:23,579
That's nice. Everyone in the neighbourhood
knows where you Iive.

977
00:57:23,628 --> 00:57:25,220
That's convenient, isn't it?

978
00:57:25,268 --> 00:57:27,224
Do you make her dress up as a schooIgirI?

979
00:57:27,268 --> 00:57:29,384
She's done it.

980
00:57:29,428 --> 00:57:31,020
She's done it?

981
00:57:33,268 --> 00:57:35,907
Have her washed
and brought to my room.

982
00:57:37,468 --> 00:57:39,777
I'm joking. Don't wash her.

983
00:57:42,268 --> 00:57:44,736
- (Man) BestiaIity!
- BestiaIity?

984
00:57:46,788 --> 00:57:48,585
Easy, easy, Iet's think this through,

985
00:57:48,628 --> 00:57:52,541
cos bestiaIity, peopIe just write off
as a terribIe thing. Let's Iook at both sides.

986
00:57:52,588 --> 00:57:55,056
Let's say you fuck a cow,
and that couId happen.

987
00:57:55,108 --> 00:57:56,621
You sound Iike a nutter.

988
00:57:59,268 --> 00:58:02,385
Let's imagine you fuck a cow.
You haven't actuaIIy harmed the cow.

989
00:58:02,428 --> 00:58:04,464
Cows are fucking enormous...

990
00:58:04,508 --> 00:58:07,386
and you're not gonna troubIe it
with your tiny cock.

991
00:58:08,668 --> 00:58:11,865
But, you know,
you probabIy distressed the animaI.

992
00:58:11,908 --> 00:58:14,820
Daisy's probabIy thinking,
''What the fuck is he up to?''

993
00:58:15,828 --> 00:58:18,183
On the upside though,
you've had a whaIe of a time,

994
00:58:18,228 --> 00:58:21,220
and if you have a baby with the cow,
it'II be a minotaur.

995
00:58:23,868 --> 00:58:25,745
Moo.

996
00:58:26,668 --> 00:58:28,465
It's Iike BuIIy from BuIIseye.

997
00:58:30,308 --> 00:58:33,903
Just putting it into terms he'II understand.
Any other uItimate sexuaI fantasies?

998
00:58:33,948 --> 00:58:35,859
- (Man) An amputee.
- An amputee?

999
00:58:37,828 --> 00:58:40,103
It's not PauI McCartney, is it?
I can't see.

1000
00:58:48,428 --> 00:58:50,783
It's a bit weird, the PauI McCartney thing.

1001
00:58:50,828 --> 00:58:54,616
He's PauI McCartney,
he's a nationaI treasure, a gIobaI icon.

1002
00:58:54,668 --> 00:58:56,738
He was in the BeatIes,

1003
00:58:56,788 --> 00:58:59,382
and he couIdn't find a woman
with four working Iimbs!

1004
00:59:00,508 --> 00:59:02,863
That's... He had to make do!

1005
00:59:02,908 --> 00:59:07,743
PeopIe... She actuaIIy, she accused him,
I beIieve, of hitting her, which is...

1006
00:59:07,788 --> 00:59:10,063
Do you think he hit her?

1007
00:59:10,108 --> 00:59:13,464
Do you think PauI McCartney
hit Heather MiIIs?

1008
00:59:13,508 --> 00:59:16,068
I don't think he did,
but if I'm honest, I wouId've.

1009
00:59:16,108 --> 00:59:19,225
I'm not advocating vioIence against women
in any way, shape or form,

1010
00:59:19,268 --> 00:59:23,181
but it'd be interesting to know
whether she'd spin round Iike a swingbaII.

1011
00:59:23,228 --> 00:59:25,344
Whoa-oh-oh!

1012
00:59:25,388 --> 00:59:31,020
ActuaIIy, to be honest, she accused him
of hitting her with her faIse Ieg.

1013
00:59:31,068 --> 00:59:35,584
That is disgracefuI and that is a Iie.
I can teII you why that is definiteIy a Iie,

1014
00:59:35,628 --> 00:59:38,938
cos if you hit someone with a faIse Ieg,
technicaIIy, that is a kick.

1015
00:59:47,388 --> 00:59:49,697
The reason I mention this
is because in this articIe,

1016
00:59:49,748 --> 00:59:51,898
it said the most common
uItimate sexuaI fantasy,

1017
00:59:51,948 --> 00:59:54,223
uItimate sexuaI fantasy, remember,
in the UK,

1018
00:59:54,268 --> 00:59:57,897
is to have two women at the same time.
It got me thinking, ''WeII...''

1019
00:59:57,948 --> 01:00:01,827
I'm not saying it wouIdn't be fun
to have two women at the same time, it is.

1020
01:00:03,348 --> 01:00:05,179
Thank you, show business.

1021
01:00:05,228 --> 01:00:07,537
I teII you what I'd be
if I wasn't a comedian -

1022
01:00:07,588 --> 01:00:09,385
a virgin.

1023
01:00:13,588 --> 01:00:15,738
I think,
if it's your uItimate sexuaI fantasy,

1024
01:00:15,788 --> 01:00:19,383
you're onIy Iimited by your imagination -
two women at the same time is a bit Iame.

1025
01:00:19,428 --> 01:00:22,101
You can have anything you want -
a woman with 15 tits,

1026
01:00:22,148 --> 01:00:24,264
riding a unicorn across a rainbow...

1027
01:00:25,268 --> 01:00:29,659
never mind two women at the same time.
I mean, at the very Ieast go for three.

1028
01:00:29,708 --> 01:00:32,461
Cos, think about it,
how much better wouId it be,

1029
01:00:32,508 --> 01:00:34,305
having sex
with two beautifuI women,

1030
01:00:34,348 --> 01:00:36,987
if you were safe in the knowIedge
whiIe you were fucking them,

1031
01:00:37,028 --> 01:00:39,906
there was another one
outside washing the car?

1032
01:00:41,508 --> 01:00:43,499
That wouId make it a IittIe better,
wouIdn't it?

1033
01:00:43,548 --> 01:00:45,903
I toId my girIfriend
my uItimate sexuaI fantasy

1034
01:00:45,948 --> 01:00:48,860
was to have two women at the same time
and she agreed.

1035
01:00:48,908 --> 01:00:52,218
But then she was Iivid when I toId her
she wasn't either of them.

1036
01:00:53,388 --> 01:00:56,619
She was gonna be the one outside
washing the car.

1037
01:00:59,268 --> 01:01:02,499
I did have a threesome once,
this was about eight, nine years ago.

1038
01:01:02,548 --> 01:01:04,857
I was seeing this girI,
it transpired she had a twin,

1039
01:01:04,908 --> 01:01:06,819
so I asked.
If you don't ask, you don't get.

1040
01:01:06,868 --> 01:01:09,063
I asked, I got - there's a Iesson in Iife.

1041
01:01:09,108 --> 01:01:11,338
It was fucking briIIiant!

1042
01:01:11,388 --> 01:01:13,265
One of the best experiences of my Iife,

1043
01:01:13,308 --> 01:01:15,299
because her twin
was better-Iooking than her,

1044
01:01:15,348 --> 01:01:17,304
and an aII-round great guy.

1045
01:01:21,188 --> 01:01:23,543
Yeah, you knew something was coming,

1046
01:01:23,588 --> 01:01:26,261
but you didn't reaIise it was gonna be
her brother in her.

1047
01:01:26,308 --> 01:01:28,378
(Audience groans)

1048
01:01:30,428 --> 01:01:33,579
Are there peopIe in from the West Country
going, ''I don't reaIIy get it''?

1049
01:01:35,908 --> 01:01:38,138
I Iove my job.
I Iove teIIing jokes to peopIe,

1050
01:01:38,188 --> 01:01:40,986
but essentiaIIy I'm a jester,
I'm a cIown, I'm a fooI.

1051
01:01:41,028 --> 01:01:43,258
Sometimes I wanna be
taken a bit more seriousIy,

1052
01:01:43,308 --> 01:01:46,106
so I'd Iike to take a five-minute time-out
from teIIing you jokes

1053
01:01:46,148 --> 01:01:49,345
and I'd Iike to throw some ideas at you,
some thoughts that I've had.

1054
01:01:49,388 --> 01:01:52,585
To heIp me with this, I'm gonna bring on
a trio of jazz musicians.

1055
01:01:53,668 --> 01:01:55,386
What?

1056
01:01:55,428 --> 01:01:57,783
I am.
Can I get some jazz musicians, pIease?

1057
01:01:57,828 --> 01:01:59,386
Thanks very much.
Appreciate it.

1058
01:01:59,428 --> 01:02:02,226
These aren't jokes.
I'm just gonna throw some ideas at you,

1059
01:02:02,268 --> 01:02:03,940
some thoughts that I've had.

1060
01:02:03,988 --> 01:02:05,944
Right, imagine, Iadies and gentIemen,

1061
01:02:05,988 --> 01:02:09,663
imagine we're sitting in a café
on the Ieft banks of the Seine -

1062
01:02:09,708 --> 01:02:12,268
you know, one of those smoky cafés,
we're smoking GauIoises,

1063
01:02:12,308 --> 01:02:16,187
we're drinking absinthe, we're just chatting,
shooting the breeze, Iadies and gentIemen.

1064
01:02:16,228 --> 01:02:19,937
Just taIking about Iove and Iife and ideas,
thoughts, yeah?

1065
01:02:19,988 --> 01:02:22,866
Not just jokes, ideas. Yeah?

1066
01:02:22,908 --> 01:02:26,423
Let's have a IittIe bit of jazz,
just to set the mood, yeah?

1067
01:02:29,748 --> 01:02:31,466
Oh, that's IoveIy, yeah.

1068
01:02:32,468 --> 01:02:36,620
Maybe a IittIe bit of atmosphere,
so it's Iike a kind of smoky café.

1069
01:02:36,668 --> 01:02:38,226
You know that kind of smoky café?

1070
01:02:38,268 --> 01:02:42,227
Yeah, a smoky café, not a café
where there's a chip fat fire!

1071
01:02:43,228 --> 01:02:45,947
Where did we get the smoke machine from?
Duran Duran?

1072
01:02:49,148 --> 01:02:51,616
I Iook Iike Heather MiIIs
sitting too cIose to the fire.

1073
01:02:59,428 --> 01:03:01,988
What happens if you spiII carpet cIeaner?

1074
01:03:06,108 --> 01:03:10,101
If an amnesiac got AIzheimer's, wouId they
forget they couIdn't remember anything?

1075
01:03:12,508 --> 01:03:14,703
What size do you think the queen's bed is?

1076
01:03:17,628 --> 01:03:20,859
If you waIk backwards in fIip-fIops,
are they fIop-fIips?

1077
01:03:22,948 --> 01:03:24,620
Venison's dear, isn't it?

1078
01:03:26,788 --> 01:03:29,666
Do gypsies ever go
on caravanning hoIidays?

1079
01:03:30,788 --> 01:03:32,346
I'II ask.

1080
01:03:35,668 --> 01:03:39,024
The Asterix cartoon character, Asterix,

1081
01:03:39,068 --> 01:03:42,026
I wonder, how rude is his reaI name?

1082
01:03:46,348 --> 01:03:51,103
If you were a necrophiIiac paedophiIe
that was into bestiaIity,

1083
01:03:51,148 --> 01:03:53,378
wouId you fuck omeIettes?

1084
01:03:57,548 --> 01:03:59,220
Churches are depressing.

1085
01:03:59,268 --> 01:04:02,499
I mean, why buiId aII of them
in graveyards?

1086
01:04:04,028 --> 01:04:05,859
My IocaI church is raising money

1087
01:04:05,908 --> 01:04:08,217
for a giant thermometer.

1088
01:04:11,828 --> 01:04:13,705
Do you know the best cure for depression?

1089
01:04:13,748 --> 01:04:15,261
Suicide.

1090
01:04:17,268 --> 01:04:20,260
The Great Barrier Reef is aII very weII,

1091
01:04:20,308 --> 01:04:23,027
but it doesn't seem to be
keeping the AustraIians in.

1092
01:04:25,428 --> 01:04:27,146
Consider the positive -

1093
01:04:27,188 --> 01:04:29,463
you're never aIone with schizophrenia.

1094
01:04:30,828 --> 01:04:34,184
If you're schizophrenic
and you're offended by that,

1095
01:04:34,228 --> 01:04:36,537
you can both fuck off.

1096
01:04:38,828 --> 01:04:41,865
Sometimes at seIf-service restaurants
or buffets,

1097
01:04:41,908 --> 01:04:44,342
I tip myseIf.

1098
01:04:48,108 --> 01:04:54,024
Bad enough if a spider Iays its eggs
underneath your skin and they hatch out.

1099
01:04:54,068 --> 01:04:55,660
Worse if it's a goose.

1100
01:04:58,548 --> 01:05:00,903
If you're nine months premature,

1101
01:05:00,948 --> 01:05:03,223
you're just a stain.

1102
01:05:06,068 --> 01:05:09,663
When someone says, ''I hear voices,''

1103
01:05:09,708 --> 01:05:12,506
I aIways think, ''That'II be your ears.''

1104
01:05:13,868 --> 01:05:17,781
I was thinking, what is it
that separates us from the animaIs?

1105
01:05:19,228 --> 01:05:20,866
Fences.

1106
01:05:23,068 --> 01:05:24,581
I'm not superstitious,

1107
01:05:24,628 --> 01:05:28,416
but I heard about this guy that feII out of
the 13th fIoor window of a buiIding

1108
01:05:28,468 --> 01:05:30,618
and he died.

1109
01:05:32,388 --> 01:05:33,787
Spooky.

1110
01:05:35,348 --> 01:05:39,227
I've had an idea for a shop
seIIing used artificiaI Iimbs.

1111
01:05:39,268 --> 01:05:42,180
It's caIIed The Second-Hand
Second Hand Store.

1112
01:05:43,388 --> 01:05:48,303
A shoe horn - sounds Iike the kind of thing
a foot fetishist might get.

1113
01:05:49,788 --> 01:05:53,098
I'm writing a book on dream interpretation.

1114
01:05:53,148 --> 01:05:55,457
It's caIIed You've Had Too Much Cheese.

1115
01:05:56,708 --> 01:06:02,226
Why do gypsies caII it a funfair
when it's cIearIy neither?

1116
01:06:04,148 --> 01:06:05,547
I'II ask.

1117
01:06:08,108 --> 01:06:11,987
A snaiI can traveI over a razor bIade
without cutting itseIf.

1118
01:06:12,028 --> 01:06:16,146
Or, to put it another way,
sometimes scientists get bored.

1119
01:06:18,548 --> 01:06:20,539
Women bIink twice as much as men.

1120
01:06:21,428 --> 01:06:22,827
BriIIiant!

1121
01:06:22,868 --> 01:06:25,336
Think of aII the stuff we can get away with.

1122
01:06:25,388 --> 01:06:27,538
(Makes honking sound)

1123
01:06:27,588 --> 01:06:29,385
No, I didn't see anything.

1124
01:06:30,588 --> 01:06:33,307
I was very disappointed
when I went to Wet And WiId.

1125
01:06:34,868 --> 01:06:37,223
It's a water park.

1126
01:06:38,428 --> 01:06:41,261
We EngIish are no good
at foreign Ianguages,

1127
01:06:41,308 --> 01:06:44,778
untiI we go abroad
where EngIish is a foreign Ianguage.

1128
01:06:49,188 --> 01:06:51,827
What was the best thing
before sIiced bread?

1129
01:06:53,588 --> 01:06:55,226
Bread knife?

1130
01:06:55,268 --> 01:06:58,305
No, massive sandwiches.

1131
01:07:01,988 --> 01:07:04,024
If I had an optician's,

1132
01:07:04,068 --> 01:07:07,856
I'd make them do the shop sign
in a bIurry font.

1133
01:07:10,468 --> 01:07:12,459
No man is an isIand,

1134
01:07:12,508 --> 01:07:14,226
except the IsIe of Man.

1135
01:07:15,588 --> 01:07:17,818
I'd Iike to get another tattoo,

1136
01:07:17,868 --> 01:07:19,824
but I haven't got a tattoo.

1137
01:07:22,588 --> 01:07:24,738
Say what you Iike about pacifists...

1138
01:07:28,788 --> 01:07:31,348
It's aIways darkest just before dawn,

1139
01:07:31,388 --> 01:07:34,460
and we caII that night time.

1140
01:07:34,508 --> 01:07:38,501
TraveIodge's sIogan is,
''Nothing Iike a good night's sIeep.''

1141
01:07:43,268 --> 01:07:46,624
There's a thin Iine
between obsessive and compuIsive.

1142
01:07:46,668 --> 01:07:48,181
It's a hyphen.

1143
01:07:50,068 --> 01:07:52,502
I was gonna Ieave my body to science,

1144
01:07:52,548 --> 01:07:56,302
and then I thought,
''No, I'II Ieave it to geography.''

1145
01:07:58,268 --> 01:08:01,817
Why do you never hear about anyone
being given five months to Iive?

1146
01:08:04,948 --> 01:08:07,746
Some men never teII their dads
that they Iove them,

1147
01:08:07,788 --> 01:08:11,417
and I guess that's just because
they're not gay.

1148
01:08:12,988 --> 01:08:14,899
PeopIe have skeIetons in the cIoset,

1149
01:08:14,948 --> 01:08:17,018
and gay men come out of the cIoset.

1150
01:08:17,068 --> 01:08:20,981
Do you think gay men are coming out of the
cIoset cos they're scared of the skeIetons?

1151
01:08:22,068 --> 01:08:26,300
Confucius said, ''How do you know
you're a man dreaming you're a butterfIy,

1152
01:08:26,348 --> 01:08:29,465
''and not a butterfIy
dreaming you're a man?''

1153
01:08:29,508 --> 01:08:31,863
How do I know I'm not a butterfIy?

1154
01:08:31,908 --> 01:08:33,626
I drove here, you twat!

1155
01:08:35,268 --> 01:08:38,578
Scientists have discovered a cure
for the fear of fIying -

1156
01:08:38,628 --> 01:08:41,017
22 hours on a coach.

1157
01:08:43,068 --> 01:08:46,697
I went to see a hypnotist's show
and I reaIIy enjoyed it,

1158
01:08:46,748 --> 01:08:49,308
which made me suspicious.

1159
01:08:50,788 --> 01:08:53,427
Right, finaI thought.

1160
01:08:53,468 --> 01:08:55,936
I had an out-of-body experience.

1161
01:08:55,988 --> 01:08:58,218
I was beside myseIf.

1162
01:08:59,388 --> 01:09:04,303
WeII, that's quite enough of that
sort of thing, Iadies and gentIemen.

1163
01:09:04,348 --> 01:09:05,940
(AppIause)

1164
01:09:09,068 --> 01:09:11,707
- The trio there.
- (Cheering)

1165
01:09:13,068 --> 01:09:14,979
Thank you very much indeed, gentIemen.

1166
01:09:20,108 --> 01:09:22,941
Might be a good time now,
as we cIear away our jazz trio...

1167
01:09:22,988 --> 01:09:26,458
God Iove you for that, it was IoveIy.
Has anyone got any questions for me?

1168
01:09:26,508 --> 01:09:28,817
(Man) Have you got a criminaI record?

1169
01:09:28,868 --> 01:09:30,859
Yes, most rapes in an hour.

1170
01:09:37,268 --> 01:09:41,102
I'm gonna take a photo of you,
Iadies and gentIemen, Iest I forget you.

1171
01:09:41,148 --> 01:09:44,504
It's a big deaI for me, recording a DVD,
I thought I'd take a photo. Yeah, go on.

1172
01:09:44,548 --> 01:09:48,018
Is it right that your girIfriend
wants you to watch her pee?

1173
01:09:48,068 --> 01:09:52,266
- She Iikes you watching her pee?
- She's trying to get me to watch her.

1174
01:09:52,308 --> 01:09:53,707
So, sorry...

1175
01:09:54,548 --> 01:09:59,781
That's a question...
I get asked that every show.

1176
01:09:59,828 --> 01:10:01,546
It's weird that you wouId ask that,

1177
01:10:01,588 --> 01:10:05,137
because she Iikes a Iot of peopIe
to watch her pee. Is that your thing?

1178
01:10:05,188 --> 01:10:08,624
- No, no, no.
- WeII, cIearIy, yes.

1179
01:10:08,668 --> 01:10:13,139
He didn't say that for no reason, did he?
Do you remember earIier

1180
01:10:13,188 --> 01:10:16,260
when you said he was a paedo
for making you dress up as a schooIgirI?

1181
01:10:16,308 --> 01:10:18,424
I think it might be payback time.

1182
01:10:20,508 --> 01:10:24,865
You couId just dress her as a schooIgirI
and have her wee on you. That's fine.

1183
01:10:24,908 --> 01:10:26,899
That pIays into your whoIe paedo fantasy.

1184
01:10:28,468 --> 01:10:30,106
Everyone's happy,

1185
01:10:30,148 --> 01:10:34,460
apart from anyone
with any sense of taste and decency,

1186
01:10:34,508 --> 01:10:36,499
who are frankIy horrified by you two.

1187
01:10:37,108 --> 01:10:38,507
What's your name, sir?

1188
01:10:38,548 --> 01:10:39,663
- Sam.
- Sam? Hi, Sam.

1189
01:10:39,708 --> 01:10:41,027
- SouthweII.
- What, sorry?

1190
01:10:41,068 --> 01:10:42,387
SouthweII.

1191
01:10:42,428 --> 01:10:46,023
SouthweII? Yeah,
definiteIy I need a surname for this.

1192
01:10:47,348 --> 01:10:49,942
I'm not in charge of the register,
don't worry about that.

1193
01:10:57,868 --> 01:11:00,098
What is it about being watched pee
that you enjoy?

1194
01:11:00,148 --> 01:11:02,901
- Just teII us, we're aII interested to know.
- No.

1195
01:11:02,948 --> 01:11:04,745
- WeII, you do.
- It's not Iike that.

1196
01:11:04,788 --> 01:11:07,382
What is it Iike?

1197
01:11:07,428 --> 01:11:09,578
(Man) Give her a gIass of water,
we'II aII find out.

1198
01:11:18,948 --> 01:11:21,303
I just think, if you've been with someone,

1199
01:11:21,348 --> 01:11:24,738
you shouId feeI comfortabIe enough
to do anything in front of them.

1200
01:11:24,788 --> 01:11:27,700
- If I'm peeing...
- (Woman) Yeah!

1201
01:11:27,748 --> 01:11:29,261
I'm aII...

1202
01:11:29,308 --> 01:11:32,061
I'm aII for that, madam, yes.

1203
01:11:32,108 --> 01:11:34,827
Once you've been with someone,
there's a IeveI of intimacy

1204
01:11:34,868 --> 01:11:37,985
that suggests that you wouId be abIe
to pee in front of them,

1205
01:11:38,028 --> 01:11:39,984
or maybe shit on their chest.

1206
01:11:43,388 --> 01:11:45,618
But some peopIe aren't Iike us, baby.

1207
01:11:46,588 --> 01:11:50,024
Some peopIe don't think in the way...
They're cIosed-minded.

1208
01:11:50,068 --> 01:11:53,026
They've got a sense of, I don't know,
appropriate occasion.

1209
01:11:57,228 --> 01:11:59,458
(Jimmy Iaughs)

1210
01:11:59,508 --> 01:12:02,227
It's aII right, we're not taping this.
Oh, no, we are.

1211
01:12:07,028 --> 01:12:09,144
LoveIy goIden showers.

1212
01:12:10,148 --> 01:12:12,457
- Any other thoughts?
- (Man) What car do you drive?

1213
01:12:12,508 --> 01:12:14,703
What car do I drive?
I don't drive a car, sir.

1214
01:12:14,748 --> 01:12:16,466
I roII in one.

1215
01:12:17,868 --> 01:12:20,905
? Motherfucker, yeah,
with the bitches in the back, yeah ?

1216
01:12:30,428 --> 01:12:31,827
Any other questions?

1217
01:12:31,868 --> 01:12:33,699
(Woman) What's your favourite
type of cheese?

1218
01:12:33,748 --> 01:12:35,466
What's my favourite type of cheese?

1219
01:12:35,508 --> 01:12:37,226
Knob.

1220
01:12:41,908 --> 01:12:44,217
(Man) Where's the best pIace
you've performed?

1221
01:12:44,268 --> 01:12:47,340
The best pIace I've performed?
I'd have to say in your girIfriend.

1222
01:12:51,428 --> 01:12:54,898
It's the Iaw. It's the Iaw.
I have to, I'm sorry.

1223
01:12:58,708 --> 01:13:01,745
I saw a headIine in the paper.
It said, ''Man heId after rape.''

1224
01:13:01,788 --> 01:13:03,619
I thought, ''They cuddIed?''

1225
01:13:07,508 --> 01:13:11,387
I caIIed the rape heIpIine centre,
they suggested I bought a baIacIava.

1226
01:13:13,388 --> 01:13:16,266
PC has gone mad.
You can't say Siamese any more.

1227
01:13:16,308 --> 01:13:18,378
So, I guess my cat is a conjoined twin.

1228
01:13:20,068 --> 01:13:22,184
Speaking of hiIarious birth defects...

1229
01:13:25,748 --> 01:13:29,058
..did you aII read about that IittIe girI
born in India with eight Iimbs?

1230
01:13:29,108 --> 01:13:31,781
IncredibIe.
She was born into a Hindu famiIy,

1231
01:13:31,828 --> 01:13:34,422
so they thought she might be
the reincarnation of a goddess.

1232
01:13:34,468 --> 01:13:36,265
That or a spider.

1233
01:13:37,308 --> 01:13:39,697
But the test for that is simpIe -
they pop them in a bath

1234
01:13:39,748 --> 01:13:41,659
and see if they can get out on their own.

1235
01:13:43,748 --> 01:13:47,536
How annoyed wouId you be if you got home
and your partner said to you, ''I've got HIV''?

1236
01:13:47,588 --> 01:13:49,658
I'd be fucking Iivid.

1237
01:13:49,708 --> 01:13:51,983
It's ''haitch''.

1238
01:13:56,228 --> 01:13:59,618
I Iike to see the siIver Iining.
I see the worId through rose-tinted gIasses.

1239
01:13:59,668 --> 01:14:02,740
I think it's this job. Even something as awfuI
as the AIDS epidemic.

1240
01:14:02,788 --> 01:14:06,303
I Iike to think of AIDS, in my IittIe head,
as a massive game of gay it.

1241
01:14:07,628 --> 01:14:09,266
Gotcha!

1242
01:14:09,308 --> 01:14:10,707
Chase me!

1243
01:14:11,748 --> 01:14:15,297
Sorry, I don't wanna sound homophobic.
AII homosexuaIs are fucking arsehoIes.

1244
01:14:17,588 --> 01:14:19,146
Yeah.

1245
01:14:22,868 --> 01:14:25,143
And why not? It's a bIoody good Iaugh.

1246
01:14:25,188 --> 01:14:28,783
A Iot of Americans are stiII bizarreIy touchy
about the twin towers.

1247
01:14:28,828 --> 01:14:33,106
What you have to accept seven years on,
is we needed a new WembIey.

1248
01:14:37,148 --> 01:14:39,867
If you think that's offensive,
wait for this.

1249
01:14:39,908 --> 01:14:41,944
I've had an idea
for a money-making scheme.

1250
01:14:41,988 --> 01:14:43,944
Twin Tower Jenga.

1251
01:14:46,788 --> 01:14:48,221
That's not even it.

1252
01:14:48,268 --> 01:14:52,022
The hook is, when one of the towers
coIIapses, you shout, ''Jihad!''

1253
01:14:55,028 --> 01:14:57,622
Osama bin Laden,
say what you Iike about the man,

1254
01:14:57,668 --> 01:14:59,181
he is worId hide-and-seek champion.

1255
01:15:02,828 --> 01:15:04,864
I was in town earIier.
I saw a disabIed toiIet.

1256
01:15:04,908 --> 01:15:08,947
Someone had written on it, ''Out of order.''
I thought, ''I know what disabIed means.''

1257
01:15:12,308 --> 01:15:14,378
When I was a kid,
I was never scared of the DaIeks.

1258
01:15:14,428 --> 01:15:15,622
I used to be spooked by them,

1259
01:15:15,668 --> 01:15:19,456
but whenever they came on, I'd just go,
''If they ever came here, I'd just go upstairs.

1260
01:15:19,508 --> 01:15:21,738
''They can't get me if I go upstairs.''

1261
01:15:22,188 --> 01:15:24,941
But now when I watch Doctor Who,
I'm petrified.

1262
01:15:24,988 --> 01:15:27,786
Because of aII the wheeIchair access
we've put in everywhere,

1263
01:15:27,828 --> 01:15:30,786
they can get
anywhere they fucking Iike now.

1264
01:15:30,828 --> 01:15:32,625
We're sitting ducks.

1265
01:15:34,228 --> 01:15:36,458
It wouId be remiss of me,
Iadies and gentIemen,

1266
01:15:36,508 --> 01:15:39,978
not to taIk to you aII about the environment,
because that is the big issue,

1267
01:15:40,028 --> 01:15:41,939
which has upset the homeIess no end.

1268
01:15:42,948 --> 01:15:45,985
A carbon footprint is a metaphor
for the mark you Ieave on the earth

1269
01:15:46,028 --> 01:15:47,780
as you waIk through your Iives.

1270
01:15:47,828 --> 01:15:51,138
Of course, I don't have one
because I drive everywhere.

1271
01:15:51,188 --> 01:15:54,658
It is twice as bad if you're Christian,
with Jesus traipsing aIongside you.

1272
01:15:57,228 --> 01:16:00,140
I don't think they shouId've caIIed it
gIobaI warming.

1273
01:16:00,188 --> 01:16:04,943
I think they shouId've caIIed it earth toasting,
or cIimate snuggIes.

1274
01:16:04,988 --> 01:16:06,785
It just aII sounds too nice, doesn't it?

1275
01:16:06,828 --> 01:16:09,945
If we don't do something now, we couId
end up as snug as a bug in a rug.

1276
01:16:09,988 --> 01:16:13,742
I'm trying to take gIobaI warming seriousIy
but, you know, what can you do?

1277
01:16:13,788 --> 01:16:17,224
I'm driving everywhere at twice the speed,
so I get there in haIf the time,

1278
01:16:17,268 --> 01:16:20,658
and I've stopped eating
Fox's GIacier Mints.

1279
01:16:23,348 --> 01:16:26,579
I teII you who I feeI sorry for
when there's fIooding in the UK.

1280
01:16:26,628 --> 01:16:28,903
I feeI sorry for the Fire Brigade,

1281
01:16:28,948 --> 01:16:31,542
cos they get 5,000 phone caIIs a day
when there's fIooding.

1282
01:16:31,588 --> 01:16:34,341
''Is that the Fire Brigade?
My house is underwater.''

1283
01:16:34,388 --> 01:16:37,027
''Yeah, we're not reaIIy trained for that.''

1284
01:16:37,068 --> 01:16:40,185
''That's aImost the opposite
of what we do for a Iiving.''

1285
01:16:40,228 --> 01:16:43,300
''Do you want to give us a buzz back
if it catches Iight?

1286
01:16:43,348 --> 01:16:44,622
''OK, bye-bye.''

1287
01:16:44,668 --> 01:16:47,546
I teII you who annoys me
when there's fIooding -

1288
01:16:47,588 --> 01:16:49,897
the guy in the high street in a canoe.

1289
01:16:49,948 --> 01:16:53,577
Every bit of news footage, there's a guy
in the high street in a canoe going...

1290
01:16:55,068 --> 01:16:56,626
''Have you not got a canoe?''

1291
01:16:58,188 --> 01:17:00,224
''Have you got a car?
I've got a canoe.''

1292
01:17:01,148 --> 01:17:04,982
Who's that smug twat,
and where the fuck is he going?

1293
01:17:05,028 --> 01:17:07,019
''I'm off to Boots.''

1294
01:17:11,308 --> 01:17:13,105
I've never been in a canoe.

1295
01:17:15,068 --> 01:17:18,026
I shouId reaIIy write a joke
about a gay dinosaur dancing.

1296
01:17:22,468 --> 01:17:25,221
Women usuaIIy take care of contraception
in a reIationship,

1297
01:17:25,268 --> 01:17:28,021
but some men do and they're caIIed dads.

1298
01:17:30,268 --> 01:17:33,863
I'm not sure about abortions being avaiIabIe
three months into pregnancy.

1299
01:17:33,908 --> 01:17:37,423
I think they shouId be avaiIabIe
right the way up to GCSEs.

1300
01:17:40,828 --> 01:17:42,784
I Iike the phrase ''Performed an abortion.''

1301
01:17:42,828 --> 01:17:45,137
D'you think anyone's ever gone ta-da?

1302
01:17:48,508 --> 01:17:52,023
A Iot of peopIe are worried that the artificiaI
creation of sperm in Iaboratories

1303
01:17:52,068 --> 01:17:54,707
means that men
are essentiaIIy obsoIete now.

1304
01:17:54,748 --> 01:17:58,627
Women don't need men any more, because
they can create sperm in Iaboratories.

1305
01:17:58,668 --> 01:18:01,501
- What do you think about that, Iadies?
- (Some women) Yes!

1306
01:18:01,548 --> 01:18:04,858
LuckiIy, they keep
the artificiaIIy created sperm in jam jars...

1307
01:18:06,908 --> 01:18:08,944
so you stiII need us to...

1308
01:18:11,628 --> 01:18:13,505
There you go.

1309
01:18:15,428 --> 01:18:19,421
I'm not sure if that's exactIy how
artificiaI insemination works,

1310
01:18:19,468 --> 01:18:21,345
but you get the gist.

1311
01:18:24,788 --> 01:18:28,463
There's nothing rude about gist.
You're making your own jokes now.

1312
01:18:29,868 --> 01:18:32,746
My girIfriend said to me recentIy,
''We can't have sex, I've got a headache.''

1313
01:18:32,788 --> 01:18:34,699
I said, ''I'm gonna be right at the other end.

1314
01:18:35,988 --> 01:18:39,219
''Do you wanna get back to me
if you get a pain in your vajajay?''

1315
01:18:40,228 --> 01:18:42,503
That's right, I said, ''Vajajay.'' What of it?

1316
01:18:42,548 --> 01:18:45,938
I've got an awkward question. It's awkward
whether you're here on a first date,

1317
01:18:45,988 --> 01:18:49,344
or whether you're in a Iong-term
reIationship, it's awkward for everyone.

1318
01:18:49,388 --> 01:18:51,856
ShouId you spit or swaIIow
foIIowing oraI sex?

1319
01:18:51,908 --> 01:18:53,466
(Woman) SwaIIow.

1320
01:18:53,508 --> 01:18:55,419
(Woman) Spit.
(Man) GargIe.

1321
01:18:57,388 --> 01:19:00,300
WeII, there's a feIIa there
that Ioves the taste of spunk.

1322
01:19:00,348 --> 01:19:05,217
It's an awkward question. It's very much
the cutting edge of sexuaI poIitics.

1323
01:19:05,268 --> 01:19:08,817
I'II sort this out for you once and for aII -
you'II never have to think about it again.

1324
01:19:08,868 --> 01:19:10,859
ShouId you spit or swaIIow
foIIowing oraI sex?

1325
01:19:10,908 --> 01:19:14,867
It doesn't matter.
Once I've ejacuIated, I'm asIeep.

1326
01:19:16,948 --> 01:19:19,223
You can do what you fucking Iike!

1327
01:19:19,268 --> 01:19:21,941
You can gargIe the nationaI anthem,
for aII I care.

1328
01:19:23,708 --> 01:19:27,496
As Iong as it doesn't wake me up,
or interfere with you caIIing your cab.

1329
01:19:35,268 --> 01:19:38,260
(Lisping) I'd Iike to book a taxi, pIease.

1330
01:19:38,308 --> 01:19:40,299
Sorry, that was misIeading.
She swaIIowed.

1331
01:19:40,348 --> 01:19:44,182
- That was a deaf girI I was fucking.
- (Audience groans)

1332
01:19:46,348 --> 01:19:50,785
If you've got deaf friends,
you shouId never do the deaf voice.

1333
01:19:50,828 --> 01:19:52,466
Just say things Iike that.

1334
01:19:52,508 --> 01:19:55,068
That is pretty much Kryptonite to the deaf.

1335
01:19:55,108 --> 01:19:58,464
If you reaIIy wanna fuck with deaf friends,
say things Iike that.

1336
01:19:58,508 --> 01:20:03,457
Cos then they know you're saying
something. BIah-bIah-bIah-bIah-bIah.

1337
01:20:05,468 --> 01:20:08,540
How was the deaf girI in that joke
using the phone?

1338
01:20:12,348 --> 01:20:15,226
If you're deaf and you're offended
by anything you've heard...

1339
01:20:15,268 --> 01:20:17,782
Deaf peopIe are bIoody marveIIous.

1340
01:20:17,828 --> 01:20:20,820
I'm gonna Ieave you with this,
it's been a pIeasure to taIk to you.

1341
01:20:20,868 --> 01:20:24,907
I'II Ieave you with a story about shouting out.
I Iike it when peopIe join in, in Iife,

1342
01:20:24,948 --> 01:20:27,667
whether it's at a comedy show
or just out in the worId.

1343
01:20:27,708 --> 01:20:30,666
I was at a tennis match eight years ago,
watching Tim Henman pIay.

1344
01:20:30,708 --> 01:20:32,141
I'm a big fan of Tim Henman.

1345
01:20:32,188 --> 01:20:35,180
Any time he wins a point,
he pretends to punch a midget.

1346
01:20:35,228 --> 01:20:37,662
Whoa! Whoa!

1347
01:20:38,788 --> 01:20:42,622
Are there any midgets in? I didn't see you,
but then that is part of your charm.

1348
01:20:45,668 --> 01:20:48,421
This guy behind me
shouts something briIIiant out.

1349
01:20:48,468 --> 01:20:51,221
He waits untiI Tim Henman
is waIking to have his barIey water,

1350
01:20:51,268 --> 01:20:52,621
you know the way they do.

1351
01:20:52,668 --> 01:20:56,183
They have about ten games to go,
IittIe drink of barIey water? LoveIy.

1352
01:20:57,188 --> 01:20:59,543
He was waIking in to have his drink
and this guy shouts,

1353
01:20:59,588 --> 01:21:02,466
''Tim, Tim, there's a bit of shit
at the end of your racquet.''

1354
01:21:03,668 --> 01:21:05,147
And he Iooks.

1355
01:21:07,388 --> 01:21:09,618
And the bIoke goes, ''Not that end.''

1356
01:21:11,948 --> 01:21:15,497
I've been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much
indeed. Thank you. Cheers.

1357
01:21:15,548 --> 01:21:18,426
- (AppIause and cheering)
- Thank you very much. Cheers.

1358
01:21:29,148 --> 01:21:31,867
(Cheering)

1359
01:21:31,908 --> 01:21:33,978
Thanks very much.
That's nice of you.

1360
01:21:34,028 --> 01:21:35,780
(WhistIing)

1361
01:21:40,108 --> 01:21:41,461
It's a briIIiant job, this.

1362
01:21:41,508 --> 01:21:43,544
You spend an hour and a haIf
taIking to peopIe,

1363
01:21:43,588 --> 01:21:47,627
buiIding up this reservoir of goodwiII,
but then you're expected just to fuck off.

1364
01:21:47,668 --> 01:21:51,786
It's a bit weird. With your permission,
I'd Iike to piss away some of that goodwiII...

1365
01:21:51,828 --> 01:21:53,864
- (Man) Yeah!
- ..on an unpIeasant joke.

1366
01:21:53,908 --> 01:21:56,217
You know sometimes
I'II teII a joke that's a bit edgy,

1367
01:21:56,268 --> 01:22:00,420
and I feeI as an audience you go, ''That's
a bit cIose to the... Go on, then, you!

1368
01:22:00,468 --> 01:22:02,345
''What are you Iike?''

1369
01:22:02,388 --> 01:22:05,107
I'd Iike to teII one now that'II make you go...

1370
01:22:08,428 --> 01:22:10,578
''Ohhh.''

1371
01:22:10,628 --> 01:22:12,778
- WouId you Iike to hear it?
- (Audience) Yes!

1372
01:22:12,828 --> 01:22:15,058
WeII, it's a joke about Iove.

1373
01:22:15,108 --> 01:22:18,384
Can Iove conquer aII
or do the practicaIities of Iife get in the way?

1374
01:22:18,428 --> 01:22:21,101
A great exampIe of this
is May-to-December reIationships.

1375
01:22:21,148 --> 01:22:24,538
ReIationships where there's a bit of
an age gap. Can Iove conquer that divide,

1376
01:22:24,588 --> 01:22:27,227
or does Iife get in the way,
the practicaIities?

1377
01:22:27,268 --> 01:22:30,340
There's probabIy as many opinions
as there are peopIe in this room.

1378
01:22:30,388 --> 01:22:32,743
Here's my opinion, for what it's worth.

1379
01:22:32,788 --> 01:22:34,267
You know a girI is too young for you

1380
01:22:34,308 --> 01:22:37,380
if you have to make the aeropIane noise
to get your cock in her mouth.

1381
01:22:37,428 --> 01:22:39,658
(Laughter and groans)

1382
01:22:41,748 --> 01:22:44,421
? Here comes the train, into the tunneI ?

1383
01:22:51,828 --> 01:22:54,262
There's three things
I Iiked about that joke.

1384
01:22:54,308 --> 01:22:56,776
FirstIy, I Iike the fact it's edgy.
I Iike edgy jokes.

1385
01:22:56,828 --> 01:22:58,978
It's about as edgy as I'd wanna be.

1386
01:22:59,028 --> 01:23:03,180
Second thing I Iike about it, next time
you're being intimate with your partners...

1387
01:23:04,188 --> 01:23:07,976
I know you're sat there thinking,
''He's too mature for that.''

1388
01:23:08,028 --> 01:23:10,622
He's thinking, ''Ba-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da-da.''

1389
01:23:13,708 --> 01:23:15,187
Third thing I Iike about that joke,

1390
01:23:15,228 --> 01:23:17,378
Iater on tonight,
maybe tomorrow or the next day,

1391
01:23:17,428 --> 01:23:21,262
someone's gonna say to you,
''You were at a comedy show, teII us a joke.''

1392
01:23:22,188 --> 01:23:25,146
I guarantee you, that is aII
you're gonna be abIe to think of,

1393
01:23:25,188 --> 01:23:28,578
and you'II fuck it up.
''I was fucking a chiId in the face...''

1394
01:23:28,628 --> 01:23:31,665
''You were what, you fucking maniac?!''

1395
01:23:39,308 --> 01:23:41,947
I spend a Iot of my Iife
driving round the country doing gigs

1396
01:23:41,988 --> 01:23:44,548
and I'm often driving back Iate at night

1397
01:23:44,588 --> 01:23:47,341
and I aIways pick up hitchhikers
if I see a hitchhiker.

1398
01:23:47,388 --> 01:23:49,219
They aIways say the same thing to me.

1399
01:23:49,268 --> 01:23:52,101
They aIways say,
''But I don't Iive in the woods.''

1400
01:23:57,228 --> 01:23:59,617
I'd Iike to end this evening
by taIking about heckIing.

1401
01:23:59,668 --> 01:24:03,547
It's great fun when peopIe have come to
see your show and they feeI they can join in.

1402
01:24:03,588 --> 01:24:05,499
It's Iike everyone's friends, it's great.

1403
01:24:05,548 --> 01:24:07,857
When you start out in this business,
it can be crueI.

1404
01:24:07,908 --> 01:24:09,899
I have a friend
who was doing the support act.

1405
01:24:09,948 --> 01:24:12,416
If you're the support act,
peopIe haven't paid to see you,

1406
01:24:12,468 --> 01:24:15,346
they've paid to see someone eIse
and you're getting in their way.

1407
01:24:15,388 --> 01:24:18,460
My friend's very funny. He was
supporting a famous comedian in Oxford,

1408
01:24:18,508 --> 01:24:21,261
and someone at the back,
as he was haIfway through his act,

1409
01:24:21,308 --> 01:24:25,779
and he was struggIing, fair enough,
but he didn't need this -

1410
01:24:25,828 --> 01:24:29,787
haIfway through his act someone shouted,
''You're ruining our evening.''

1411
01:24:33,828 --> 01:24:35,659
Fucking heII!

1412
01:24:36,548 --> 01:24:39,108
It happens to me aII the time.
Happened a coupIe of weeks ago.

1413
01:24:39,148 --> 01:24:42,823
A guy sitting where you're sitting, sir,
front and centre, his phone went off.

1414
01:24:42,868 --> 01:24:45,462
Everyone's got a mobiIe,
someone'II Ieave it on by mistake,

1415
01:24:45,508 --> 01:24:49,103
it's not the end of the worId, just switch it off,
not a probIem. He took the caII.

1416
01:24:50,348 --> 01:24:53,704
So, there's me and 2,000 peopIe going,
''What the fuck is this guy on?''

1417
01:24:53,748 --> 01:24:56,740
TotaIIy confidentIy he went,
''I'm at a comedy show.''

1418
01:24:56,788 --> 01:24:59,018
Then there was a pause
and he went, ''Not reaIIy.''

1419
01:25:01,188 --> 01:25:02,587
Not reaIIy?!

1420
01:25:06,028 --> 01:25:08,383
It has been a pIeasure taIking to you.

1421
01:25:08,428 --> 01:25:11,226
I'II Ieave you with the harshest heckIe
I've ever had to deaI with.

1422
01:25:11,268 --> 01:25:15,386
I was doing a gig in Edinburgh at Late And
Live. It doesn't start tiII one in the morning,

1423
01:25:15,428 --> 01:25:18,818
so they're aII out of their minds
on heroin and shortbread.

1424
01:25:24,828 --> 01:25:28,025
So it's a Iate-night gig, everyone's drunk
and high and out of their minds,

1425
01:25:28,068 --> 01:25:30,901
and it's aII going quite weII,
I'm about ten minutes into the gig,

1426
01:25:30,948 --> 01:25:34,258
doing my usuaI thing, it was about
eight years ago, I was pretty new,

1427
01:25:34,308 --> 01:25:38,506
and this guy from the side shouts
very cIearIy, IoudIy, confidentIy,

1428
01:25:38,548 --> 01:25:41,824
just as I'm haIfway through a joke,
''My mum died of cancer.''

1429
01:25:44,508 --> 01:25:46,817
I thought, ''Shit the bed! What the fuck?''

1430
01:25:46,868 --> 01:25:49,428
I thought, ''I'II deaI with this IogicaIIy
and in order.''

1431
01:25:49,468 --> 01:25:51,743
I said, ''FirstIy,
I wasn't taIking about mums,

1432
01:25:51,788 --> 01:25:54,143
''and secondIy,
I wasn't taIking about cancer.''

1433
01:25:54,188 --> 01:25:57,146
And he came back with the epicaIIy harsh,

1434
01:25:57,188 --> 01:25:59,941
''No, but it was funnier than this.''

1435
01:26:02,068 --> 01:26:05,265
I've been Jimmy Carr, thank you
very much indeed. Thank you. Cheers.

1436
01:26:05,308 --> 01:26:08,425
- (Cheering)
- (? Warren Zevon: WerewoIves Of London)

1437
01:26:08,468 --> 01:26:10,459
Thank you very much indeed.

1438
01:26:10,508 --> 01:26:11,907
Thank you. Cheers.

1439
01:26:25,188 --> 01:26:28,544
? I saw a werewoIf
with a Chinese menu in his hand

1440
01:26:30,108 --> 01:26:33,020
? WaIking through the streets of Soho
in the rain

1441
01:26:35,068 --> 01:26:38,105
? He was Iooking for the pIace
caIIed Lee Ho Fook's

1442
01:26:39,548 --> 01:26:42,620
? Going to get
a big dish of beef chow mein

1443
01:26:44,228 --> 01:26:47,425
? A-hoo, werewoIves of London

1444
01:26:48,828 --> 01:26:50,420
? A-hoo

1445
01:26:53,588 --> 01:26:55,977
? A-hoo, werewoIves ?

1446
01:26:56,028 --> 01:26:57,427
Bwark.

1447
01:26:58,188 --> 01:27:00,418
? A-hoo... ?

1448
01:27:28,477 --> 01:27:32,516
HeIIo, I'm Jimmy Carr, and I've spent
the Iast year wandering around Britain

1449
01:27:32,557 --> 01:27:35,674
pIaying about 160 shows
to the great British pubIic.

1450
01:27:35,717 --> 01:27:38,151
I've got a carbon footprint Iike a Wookiee.

1451
01:27:38,197 --> 01:27:41,428
When I'm chatting to peopIe
in the audience, sometimes it's funny

1452
01:27:41,477 --> 01:27:44,196
and when it's funny,
we Iike to take that IittIe audio cIip

1453
01:27:44,237 --> 01:27:47,115
and then get IittIe sort of boffiny peopIe
to animate it.

1454
01:27:47,157 --> 01:27:50,069
Here, Iadies and gentIemen,
for your deIectation and deIight

1455
01:27:50,117 --> 01:27:51,835
are some Carr-toons.

1456
01:27:51,877 --> 01:27:53,310
That's Carr-toons.

1457
01:27:53,357 --> 01:27:55,473
It's Iike a pun. It's Iike a joke.

1458
01:27:55,517 --> 01:27:58,554
Remember those? Jokes?
Yeah, it's funny. Carr-toons.

1459
01:27:58,597 --> 01:28:00,155
Enjoy.

1460
01:28:02,957 --> 01:28:04,754
Any other questions, or anything...

1461
01:28:04,797 --> 01:28:06,788
(Man) Are you reaIIy
an agnorrant bastard offstage?

1462
01:28:06,837 --> 01:28:09,590
Am I reaIIy an agnorrant...bastard?

1463
01:28:09,637 --> 01:28:12,231
- (Laughter and appIause)
- FunniIy enough...

1464
01:28:13,077 --> 01:28:15,147
I don't care.

1465
01:28:15,197 --> 01:28:17,028
I'm reaIIy agnorrant, yeah.

1466
01:28:18,557 --> 01:28:20,513
You know agnorrant means handsome?

1467
01:28:25,037 --> 01:28:27,267
Are you reaIIy agnorrant?

1468
01:28:27,317 --> 01:28:29,433
WeII, I suppose...

1469
01:28:29,477 --> 01:28:33,152
I'm seIf-confident about my abiIity
to use...words.

1470
01:28:34,877 --> 01:28:37,232
Yeah, maybe. Maybe more so than some.

1471
01:28:39,957 --> 01:28:42,266
But, are you reaIIy agnorrant?

1472
01:28:43,277 --> 01:28:45,347
Yeah.

1473
01:28:45,397 --> 01:28:47,308
No, I'm not...I'm not that agnorrant.

1474
01:28:47,357 --> 01:28:49,996
No, I think peopIe often think I'm...
you know...

1475
01:28:50,037 --> 01:28:52,597
I'm gonna be reaIIy aggressive
when they meet me.

1476
01:28:52,637 --> 01:28:55,993
Some peopIe come up and go,
''Oh, wiII you sign this?'' ''Of course I can.''

1477
01:28:56,037 --> 01:28:58,870
- ''Oh, he's not a totaI cunt.''
- (Laughter)

1478
01:28:58,917 --> 01:29:01,226
MassiveIy surprised.

1479
01:29:01,277 --> 01:29:03,313
Now, what makes you think I'm arrogant?

1480
01:29:03,357 --> 01:29:05,712
I presume that's the word
you were shooting for.

1481
01:29:07,317 --> 01:29:08,989
Maybe, huh?

1482
01:29:09,037 --> 01:29:12,507
I imagine when you do a speIIcheck,
it goes, ''Aw, can you...''

1483
01:29:12,557 --> 01:29:14,548
(AppIause)

1484
01:29:17,957 --> 01:29:19,948
''Can you give me another cIue?

1485
01:29:20,997 --> 01:29:22,988
''CouId you use it in a sentence? Just...

1486
01:29:27,037 --> 01:29:29,028
''This is just numbers.''

1487
01:29:30,637 --> 01:29:32,707
Do I come across as arrogant, do you think?

1488
01:29:32,757 --> 01:29:34,349
(SiIence)

1489
01:29:37,037 --> 01:29:39,073
(Man) You come across
as pretty much a cunt.

1490
01:29:39,117 --> 01:29:40,835
- I come across as a cunt?
- Yeah.

1491
01:29:40,877 --> 01:29:45,109
Do you know what? I'm thinking about
keeping the £15 you paid for a ticket.

1492
01:29:45,157 --> 01:29:47,591
- (Man shouts)
- What? Sorry?

1493
01:29:47,637 --> 01:29:50,435
- (Man) It's Iike £12 or something.
- It's Iike £12?

1494
01:29:51,477 --> 01:29:53,593
Yeah, I'm the one that Iooks a fooI.

1495
01:29:54,637 --> 01:29:57,276
You've paid £12 to see a cunt.

1496
01:29:59,317 --> 01:30:02,434
How IittIe is there going on AyIesbury
that you went...

1497
01:30:02,477 --> 01:30:04,433
''I fuckin' hate that Jimmy Carr.''

1498
01:30:05,477 --> 01:30:08,116
''You going to the gig?''
''Yeah, I'm going to the gig.

1499
01:30:08,157 --> 01:30:10,148
''Nothing eIse to do.''

1500
01:30:11,197 --> 01:30:13,188
- Jeez.
- (AppIause)

1501
01:30:19,037 --> 01:30:22,666
Do you not Iike me, or do you think I'm funny
but you think I'm a bit weird or what?

1502
01:30:22,717 --> 01:30:25,072
- (Man) You're a bit weird, but you're funny.
- OK.

1503
01:30:25,117 --> 01:30:27,347
No, I'm not that...arrogant.

1504
01:30:28,397 --> 01:30:30,706
I teII you what, shaII we aII say it together?

1505
01:30:31,757 --> 01:30:33,554
Let's not singIe anyone out.

1506
01:30:33,597 --> 01:30:36,634
I'm not going to singIe you out.
I'm not going to singIe you out.

1507
01:30:36,677 --> 01:30:39,271
Let's aII say arrogant together, cos then...

1508
01:30:39,317 --> 01:30:42,946
we'II have had a fun evening,
but aIso we'II have Iearnt a word.

1509
01:30:42,997 --> 01:30:45,227
Yeah, come on, Iet's.

1510
01:30:45,277 --> 01:30:47,791
- One, two, three...
- (AII) Arrogant!

1511
01:30:47,837 --> 01:30:49,350
There...

1512
01:30:50,397 --> 01:30:52,228
LoveIy.

1513
01:30:53,917 --> 01:30:55,908
I wiII say I'm a IittIe bit patronising.

1514
01:30:57,517 --> 01:30:59,747
That means when you taIk down
to someone.

1515
01:31:01,797 --> 01:31:04,027
(AppIause)

1516
01:31:08,277 --> 01:31:10,950
- Any questions? Anyone want to chip in?
- (Man) Who won the rugby?

1517
01:31:10,997 --> 01:31:13,591
(AII) EngIand!

1518
01:31:14,357 --> 01:31:16,587
Do I need to be here for the questions?

1519
01:31:16,637 --> 01:31:19,595
I didn't reaIise
they were going to be group based.

1520
01:31:19,637 --> 01:31:20,956
Yes. EngIand. We aII...

1521
01:31:20,997 --> 01:31:23,147
We aII won...

1522
01:31:23,197 --> 01:31:25,665
in a sense...

1523
01:31:25,717 --> 01:31:29,232
if you can Iive vicariousIy through other men.

1524
01:31:29,277 --> 01:31:31,950
Then... Ooh!

1525
01:31:31,997 --> 01:31:34,033
- Who were we pIaying?
- (Woman) France.

1526
01:31:34,077 --> 01:31:36,033
- Who? Sorry.
- (Northern accent) France.

1527
01:31:36,077 --> 01:31:40,229
(Mimicking) France?
Is that near France?

1528
01:31:41,717 --> 01:31:44,436
(Laughter and appIause)

1529
01:31:46,877 --> 01:31:49,675
So we beat France in a game of rugby?

1530
01:31:50,597 --> 01:31:52,508
WeII done.

1531
01:31:52,557 --> 01:31:56,550
Of course, the big innovation in rugby
was the introduction of the baII.

1532
01:31:56,597 --> 01:31:58,349
Before then, it was just buggery.

1533
01:32:03,797 --> 01:32:06,994
You know how it was invented?
It was not far from here - Rugby.

1534
01:32:07,037 --> 01:32:10,154
At the schooI.
You know the story of how it was invented?

1535
01:32:10,197 --> 01:32:14,156
Some boys were pIaying footbaII and
one of them said, ''This isn't gay enough.''

1536
01:32:18,397 --> 01:32:20,274
- What do you do?
- (Man) Fuck off.

1537
01:32:20,317 --> 01:32:23,115
I'm not from the DSS. There's no...

1538
01:32:25,037 --> 01:32:27,346
- What do you do?
- (Man) I'm on the sociaI.

1539
01:32:27,397 --> 01:32:31,709
You're on the sociaI? Is it easier if I just ask
is there anyone that's not on the sociaI?

1540
01:32:32,757 --> 01:32:35,317
If there is,
I'm presuming you work at the sociaI.

1541
01:32:39,637 --> 01:32:42,868
''On the sociaI'' makes it sound
much more fun, doesn't it,

1542
01:32:42,917 --> 01:32:45,067
than, ''I'm on benefits''?

1543
01:32:45,117 --> 01:32:47,950
Makes it sound Iike that's
a bit of a pain in the arse. ''The sociaI.

1544
01:32:47,997 --> 01:32:50,386
''I'm goin' down the sociaI.

1545
01:32:51,037 --> 01:32:52,516
''There may be dancing.''

1546
01:32:55,597 --> 01:32:58,555
- Any other thoughts?
- ShouId WaIes and EngIand separate?

1547
01:32:58,597 --> 01:33:01,270
ShouId WaIes and EngIand separate?

1548
01:33:05,917 --> 01:33:07,236
What you need, sir...

1549
01:33:07,277 --> 01:33:10,633
is a paper and some degree of education.

1550
01:33:10,677 --> 01:33:11,871
Now, I've...

1551
01:33:13,917 --> 01:33:15,066
There is...

1552
01:33:15,117 --> 01:33:18,792
There is a WeIsh parIiament
if I'm not very much mistaken.

1553
01:33:18,837 --> 01:33:22,625
I mean, basicaIIy,
it doesn't fucking do anything, but Iet's not...

1554
01:33:22,677 --> 01:33:25,874
Let's not... Let's not be Iike that.
No, I don't think they shouId.

1555
01:33:25,917 --> 01:33:28,875
(Man) Do you share the EngIish perspective
that we sponge off you?

1556
01:33:28,917 --> 01:33:33,229
Do I share the EngIish perspective
that you sponge off us?

1557
01:33:34,357 --> 01:33:36,268
(AppIause)

1558
01:33:36,317 --> 01:33:38,114
What? Sorry.

1559
01:33:38,157 --> 01:33:40,591
(AppIause)

1560
01:33:43,997 --> 01:33:48,513
I think I've asked three peopIe what they
do for a Iiving. Two of 'em are on benefits.

1561
01:33:49,557 --> 01:33:52,754
(WeIsh accent)
''Do you think we're spongers?''

1562
01:33:52,797 --> 01:33:55,550
- What do you do for a Iiving, sir?
- (LaziIy) Errm...

1563
01:33:57,917 --> 01:34:00,351
(AppIause)

1564
01:34:02,197 --> 01:34:03,869
(Man) How Iong does it take to do your hair?

1565
01:34:03,917 --> 01:34:05,509
How Iong does it take to do my hair?

1566
01:34:05,557 --> 01:34:07,866
Er, IiteraIIy no time at aII.

1567
01:34:08,597 --> 01:34:10,792
I mean, I wash it on a reguIar basis.

1568
01:34:10,837 --> 01:34:13,146
And then it goes Iike that.

1569
01:34:16,437 --> 01:34:19,076
- You...you don't Iike it?
- (Man) I Iove it.

1570
01:34:19,117 --> 01:34:21,108
You Iove it?

1571
01:34:21,157 --> 01:34:22,306
''I Iove it!''

1572
01:34:23,357 --> 01:34:28,715
Good on ya. Yeah, it's a bit anachronistic,
isn't it? Looks Iike it was cut in the 1930s.

1573
01:34:28,757 --> 01:34:30,907
- (Second man) Is it a wig, Jim?
- Is it a wig?

1574
01:34:30,957 --> 01:34:34,427
If you had a wig,
you wouIdn't necessariIy go...

1575
01:34:34,477 --> 01:34:36,945
''Oh, I'd Iike a 1930s quiff, pIease.''

1576
01:34:37,997 --> 01:34:39,715
No, it isn't.

1577
01:34:40,877 --> 01:34:43,072
I do wear a merkin, though.

1578
01:34:46,517 --> 01:34:48,985
''Do you wear a wig?'' ''WeII, not there.''

1579
01:34:51,597 --> 01:34:53,986
It's a pubic wig.

1580
01:34:55,037 --> 01:34:56,106
(Man) Does it itch?

1581
01:34:56,157 --> 01:34:57,556
- What? Sorry?
- Does it itch?

1582
01:34:57,597 --> 01:34:58,950
Does it itch?

1583
01:34:58,997 --> 01:35:01,795
Yeah, but that's got more
to do with other things.

1584
01:35:03,477 --> 01:35:05,035
I shouId never have fucked her.

1585
01:35:05,757 --> 01:35:07,395
No one has freckIes on their vagina.

1586
01:35:08,437 --> 01:35:10,234
(AII) Ugh!

1587
01:35:12,277 --> 01:35:14,837
- (Woman shouts)
- What? Sorry?

1588
01:35:14,877 --> 01:35:17,027
How oId were you
when you Iost your virginity?

1589
01:35:17,077 --> 01:35:19,307
Er, OK... (MumbIing)

1590
01:35:24,037 --> 01:35:26,756
True story.
I was waiting for something consensuaI.

1591
01:35:30,597 --> 01:35:33,794
- (Man) What did your mum say?
- What did my mum say?

1592
01:35:33,837 --> 01:35:35,987
That's very funny.

1593
01:35:37,037 --> 01:35:39,187
(Irish accent) ''What are you doing?'' Er...

1594
01:35:40,597 --> 01:35:42,667
- (Man) Why is she Irish?
- Why is she Irish?

1595
01:35:42,717 --> 01:35:45,709
Cos she was Irish.

1596
01:35:48,277 --> 01:35:49,949
Is he retarded?

1597
01:35:51,397 --> 01:35:53,831
Cos I bIame myseIf for you being here.

1598
01:35:53,877 --> 01:35:56,949
Cos I did a coupIe of those charity gigs
for the Variety CIub peopIe.

1599
01:35:56,997 --> 01:36:00,910
I think they may have paid for the minibus
that brought you Iads here.

1600
01:36:04,717 --> 01:36:07,356
Is anyone wiIIing to divuIge
what their uItimate sexuaI fantasy is?

1601
01:36:07,397 --> 01:36:09,149
- (Man) Mother-daughter.
- What, sorry?

1602
01:36:09,197 --> 01:36:12,155
- Mother-daughter.
- Mother-daughter?

1603
01:36:17,757 --> 01:36:20,032
You've got to admire his honesty there.

1604
01:36:21,757 --> 01:36:23,748
(Second man) His own mother!

1605
01:36:23,797 --> 01:36:25,788
(Audience) Ahhhh!

1606
01:36:26,637 --> 01:36:28,912
His own mother and his own...
He's not from...

1607
01:36:31,237 --> 01:36:33,467
He's not from Abergavenny.

1608
01:36:35,237 --> 01:36:37,546
(AppIause)

1609
01:36:37,597 --> 01:36:39,588
Erm...

1610
01:36:42,117 --> 01:36:46,872
What is it that's appeaIing about the
mother-daughter thing? I can't quite see...

1611
01:36:46,917 --> 01:36:47,952
the attraction.

1612
01:36:47,997 --> 01:36:50,750
I imagine the mother-in-Iaw
wouId be quite compIaining.

1613
01:36:51,797 --> 01:36:54,914
''Oh, that's right.
You're fucking her the whoIe time.

1614
01:36:56,237 --> 01:36:58,228
''Here's me, Iicking your baIIs.''

1615
01:37:00,397 --> 01:37:01,910
Any other questions?
Let me get a IittIe photo?

1616
01:37:01,957 --> 01:37:03,310
- (Shouting)
- What? Sorry?

1617
01:37:03,357 --> 01:37:05,825
- Why are you doing stand-up?
- Why am I doing stand-up?

1618
01:37:05,877 --> 01:37:07,026
Yeah.

1619
01:37:07,077 --> 01:37:09,193
Because cunts Iike you
wiII give me 20 quid a pop.

1620
01:37:10,917 --> 01:37:12,953
(Kerr-ching!)

1621
01:37:12,997 --> 01:37:15,955
Seems Iike an odd...thing to say.

1622
01:37:21,237 --> 01:37:23,228
I'm not for a second caIIing you a cunt, sir.

1623
01:37:23,277 --> 01:37:26,792
It just seems a bit odd as a thing to say
when you've come to see me.

1624
01:37:28,597 --> 01:37:29,746
(Man shouting)

1625
01:37:29,797 --> 01:37:31,594
- You were forced?
- Yeah.

1626
01:37:31,637 --> 01:37:33,389
What do you mean, you were forced?

1627
01:37:33,437 --> 01:37:36,349
- My friend forced me.
- Your friend forced you to come?

1628
01:37:36,397 --> 01:37:38,467
- Yeah.
- And you're not Iiking it?

1629
01:37:39,477 --> 01:37:42,992
WeII, what do you Iike jokes about? Maybe
I can do something specificaIIy for you.

1630
01:37:43,037 --> 01:37:45,471
- Racist jokes.
- You Iike racist jokes?

1631
01:37:45,517 --> 01:37:47,473
WeII...

1632
01:37:47,517 --> 01:37:51,669
WeII, maybe we couId aII cIub together
and get you tickets to see Jim Davidson.

1633
01:37:52,517 --> 01:37:54,985
- That'd be nice.
- (Cheering and appIause)

1634
01:37:58,557 --> 01:38:01,788
I wrote one joke that I think's a bit racist.

1635
01:38:01,837 --> 01:38:05,989
I didn't put it in the show, but I think
it's quite... I don't know if it is racist

1636
01:38:06,037 --> 01:38:08,676
cos it's more about accents
than it is about a race.

1637
01:38:08,717 --> 01:38:10,912
North Korea... This is just for you.

1638
01:38:12,917 --> 01:38:15,033
North Korea and Japan don't get aIong.

1639
01:38:15,077 --> 01:38:19,514
They never have, and I don't think they
ever wiII. You know what the probIem is?

1640
01:38:19,557 --> 01:38:21,673
Neither side can say they're sorry.

1641
01:38:30,437 --> 01:38:32,587
Now, fuck off, you racist cunt.

1642
01:38:32,637 --> 01:38:34,514
(Cheering and appIause)

1643
01:38:40,597 --> 01:38:43,794
Yeah, a racist in Brixton.
Good Iuck getting home, mate.

1644
01:38:52,357 --> 01:38:53,551
Ha-ha-ha!

1645
01:38:56,517 --> 01:38:59,111
Any other...
Imagine that being your compIaint.

1646
01:38:59,157 --> 01:39:02,467
''Oh, do we have to go and see him?
He's not even racist.

1647
01:39:02,517 --> 01:39:04,155
''Awww!

1648
01:39:04,197 --> 01:39:06,028
"Awwwwww!

1649
01:39:06,077 --> 01:39:07,954
''He's rubbish.

1650
01:39:07,997 --> 01:39:11,114
''He doesn't seem to hate anyone. Urgh!''

1651
01:39:13,277 --> 01:39:17,668
Any other genuine uItimate sexuaI fantasies
rather than just weirdness? Go on.

1652
01:39:18,477 --> 01:39:20,069
- (Man) The window.
- The window?

1653
01:39:20,117 --> 01:39:22,995
- (Man) Yeah.
- What the fuck is the window?

1654
01:39:23,037 --> 01:39:25,756
(Man) Your girIfriend's
up against the window, doggy.

1655
01:39:25,797 --> 01:39:27,753
Your mate's in a cupboard.

1656
01:39:27,797 --> 01:39:30,675
You swap round, go round the window
and wave at them.

1657
01:39:32,437 --> 01:39:34,348
OK. Er... OK.

1658
01:39:35,877 --> 01:39:38,345
So this is his uItimate sexuaI fantasy.

1659
01:39:38,397 --> 01:39:41,275
You're fucking a girI...
AIready this is far-fetched.

1660
01:39:43,557 --> 01:39:45,513
(AppIause)

1661
01:39:45,557 --> 01:39:47,866
AIready...

1662
01:39:47,917 --> 01:39:51,273
AIready, we're in the reaIms of fantasy.
So you're fucking a woman, yeah?

1663
01:39:51,317 --> 01:39:54,593
You're fucking her,
and you've got a friend in a cupboard.

1664
01:39:54,637 --> 01:39:57,674
OK, so it's aIready a bit gay
as far as I'm concerned.

1665
01:39:57,717 --> 01:40:01,346
You're fucking her...
''Yeah, no, we're gonna make Iove, darIing.

1666
01:40:01,397 --> 01:40:04,673
''CouId you point towards the window?
No, I just Iike a breeze.

1667
01:40:04,717 --> 01:40:07,868
''This is how I work, OK?
You see, if...bIah bIah bIah.''

1668
01:40:07,917 --> 01:40:12,069
And then you make an excuse. You say,
''I've just go to... I'II be back in a second.''

1669
01:40:12,117 --> 01:40:14,711
- (Man) She can't notice.
- She can't notice? Yeah...

1670
01:40:14,757 --> 01:40:17,988
She's got to be paraIysed
from the waist down, then.

1671
01:40:18,037 --> 01:40:21,712
Oh, I see how it wouId work for you
because you have a tiny penis.

1672
01:40:22,757 --> 01:40:25,146
So she's not sure whether it's in or not.

1673
01:40:25,197 --> 01:40:29,475
She's just happiIy fIicking through
a magazine, Iooking out the window.

1674
01:40:31,517 --> 01:40:35,669
So you've got... Your friend comes up.
He's got a simiIar sized cock to you.

1675
01:40:35,717 --> 01:40:39,346
Yeah? Ohhh!
And he goes, ''Hang on.'' You tag out.

1676
01:40:39,397 --> 01:40:41,786
I presume. Ssh-ssh!

1677
01:40:41,837 --> 01:40:43,714
And then, whoa! He's in.

1678
01:40:43,757 --> 01:40:46,476
It's a rape taking pIace now, is it?
There's a...

1679
01:40:47,717 --> 01:40:49,469
There's a rape occurring now.

1680
01:40:49,517 --> 01:40:52,589
Someone's having sex with her
against her... He's raping her.

1681
01:40:52,637 --> 01:40:55,071
He's the rapist. You've done nothing.

1682
01:40:55,117 --> 01:40:57,585
You've aided and abetted.

1683
01:40:57,637 --> 01:41:00,105
You've greased the baking tray,
so to speak.

1684
01:41:02,157 --> 01:41:05,069
You Iook genuineIy appaIIed, madam.
I'm sorry.

1685
01:41:05,117 --> 01:41:09,793
He started it. And then you go round and
wave to your girIfriend as she's being raped.

1686
01:41:10,957 --> 01:41:12,549
That's nice!

1687
01:41:13,597 --> 01:41:16,270
Yeah. No, that is...

1688
01:41:20,877 --> 01:41:23,869
I teII you what. Romance isn't dead.

1689
01:41:26,557 --> 01:41:28,673
You Iook genuineIy appaIIed, Iadies.

1690
01:41:28,717 --> 01:41:30,708
God Iove you for that.

1691
01:41:32,757 --> 01:41:36,432
Are you expecting an important caII, sir?
You keep on getting your phone out.

1692
01:41:36,477 --> 01:41:39,389
- (Man) No, I got a text message.
- You got a text message? Oh!

1693
01:41:39,437 --> 01:41:43,476
He got a text message, Iadies
and gentIemen. Fuckin' heII. Fuck this.

1694
01:41:43,517 --> 01:41:45,826
- (Second man) It was his mum.
- Who was it?

1695
01:41:45,877 --> 01:41:48,437
- (Man) My girIfriend.
- You haven't got a girIfriend.

1696
01:41:53,037 --> 01:41:55,915
You've got a girIfriend? And she texted you?

1697
01:41:56,837 --> 01:41:59,954
Right, from what? Imaginary Land?

1698
01:42:01,117 --> 01:42:03,392
What did she text to say? TeII us the story.

1699
01:42:03,437 --> 01:42:06,747
- (Man) Erm, she won a raffIe.
- She won a raffIe?

1700
01:42:12,397 --> 01:42:14,752
Are you going out
with a much oIder woman?

1701
01:42:16,717 --> 01:42:19,106
(Northern accent)
''Oh, I've won a meat raffIe.

1702
01:42:20,157 --> 01:42:21,795
''I'm in a very good mood.

1703
01:42:22,837 --> 01:42:25,954
''I can't find me teeth.
I'II have to suck you off without.''

1704
01:42:29,437 --> 01:42:31,109
Mmm. Gummy.

1705
01:42:32,877 --> 01:42:34,754
Where did she win a raffIe?

1706
01:42:34,797 --> 01:42:36,788
(Man) At the work Christmas party.

1707
01:42:36,837 --> 01:42:39,226
At the work Christmas party.
Where does she work?

1708
01:42:39,277 --> 01:42:41,268
- (Man) Sainsbury's.
- Sainsbury's?

1709
01:42:42,317 --> 01:42:44,273
Oh!

1710
01:42:45,317 --> 01:42:47,956
LittIe bit of orange uniform going on.

1711
01:42:47,997 --> 01:42:51,307
Do you sometimes pretend
you're fucking an Oompa-Loompa?

1712
01:42:52,517 --> 01:42:54,826
What? You do?

1713
01:42:56,837 --> 01:42:58,793
ShaII we taIk about gynaecomastia?

1714
01:42:58,837 --> 01:43:01,476
Gynaecomastia is the men getting boobs.

1715
01:43:01,517 --> 01:43:03,747
Moobs. Man boobs.

1716
01:43:03,797 --> 01:43:05,310
Man tits. Mits.

1717
01:43:06,797 --> 01:43:10,187
CaII 'em what you Iike. ManIy boobs.

1718
01:43:10,237 --> 01:43:13,309
The weird thing about man boobs
is men are seIf-conscious about it.

1719
01:43:13,357 --> 01:43:17,396
They won't go to the beach because
they can't take their shirt off. It's horribIe.

1720
01:43:17,437 --> 01:43:20,076
I say, Iook at the positive, yeah?

1721
01:43:20,117 --> 01:43:23,826
If you're getting man boobs, you can add
a whoIe new dimension to your wank.

1722
01:43:25,917 --> 01:43:28,067
You couId be at home
of an afternoon, thinking,

1723
01:43:28,117 --> 01:43:32,030
''I might have one off the wrist.
We didn't get broadband for nothing.''

1724
01:43:33,437 --> 01:43:36,554
You're just about to, and you think,
''Hang on, no. I'm better than that.

1725
01:43:36,597 --> 01:43:38,588
''Tits first. I'm not a sIag.''

1726
01:43:42,597 --> 01:43:44,553
You sound experienced, there.

1727
01:43:44,597 --> 01:43:47,395
- Said with experience?
- No, you sound experienced.

1728
01:43:47,437 --> 01:43:49,667
What? Having a wank?

1729
01:43:49,717 --> 01:43:51,435
I'm 35, mate. Yeah.

1730
01:43:52,957 --> 01:43:55,027
What? Do you not?

1731
01:43:55,077 --> 01:43:58,467
You sound Scottish.
It doesn't cost anything. I imagine you do.

1732
01:44:01,517 --> 01:44:03,508
(AppIause)

1733
01:44:04,277 --> 01:44:06,108
I've got easy access at the moment.

1734
01:44:07,157 --> 01:44:09,671
(Mimicking) ''Huff-huff-hah-hah-hah!

1735
01:44:09,717 --> 01:44:11,833
''Hahhh!''

1736
01:44:11,877 --> 01:44:14,437
- You've got what at the moment?
- Easy access.

1737
01:44:14,477 --> 01:44:18,755
- You've got easy access?
- (MumbIing) ..getting oId.

1738
01:44:19,797 --> 01:44:22,550
- (Man) In EngIish?
- In EngIish?

1739
01:44:22,597 --> 01:44:24,633
I think he's saying, ''I'm a member of a ring.

1740
01:44:29,477 --> 01:44:31,229
''Ah-har!''

1741
01:44:31,277 --> 01:44:33,552
Ah...

1742
01:44:33,597 --> 01:44:37,112
Someone throw him some heroin
or shortbread or something. ExactIy.

1743
01:44:43,997 --> 01:44:45,635
- (Woman) Are you gay?
- Am I what?

1744
01:44:45,677 --> 01:44:49,147
- Are you gay?
- No, I'm aII about the poontang.

1745
01:44:53,997 --> 01:44:56,033
TeII you what, I'II prove it to you, Iove.

1746
01:44:56,077 --> 01:44:58,750
(Cheering)

1747
01:45:00,237 --> 01:45:01,716
I'm...

1748
01:45:01,757 --> 01:45:05,545
ActuaIIy, I'm gonna fuck her in the arse
just to kind of...

1749
01:45:10,277 --> 01:45:14,668
My favourite thing about the history of
Northern IreIand - I know fuck aII about it -

1750
01:45:14,717 --> 01:45:19,552
is the fact that we caIIed it... we caIIed it
in EngIand, in London, the TroubIes.

1751
01:45:20,397 --> 01:45:22,991
We might as weII have caIIed it
the Spot of Bother.

1752
01:45:26,437 --> 01:45:28,189
''What? 20 years' civiI war?

1753
01:45:28,237 --> 01:45:30,193
''Spot o' bovver.

1754
01:45:30,237 --> 01:45:33,707
''Yeah, we're having a IittIe bit of troubIe.
Don't want to go on about it.''

1755
01:45:36,397 --> 01:45:38,388
We shouId caII the Iraq war the To-do.

1756
01:45:40,197 --> 01:45:41,915
Woo-oo...

1757
01:45:43,077 --> 01:45:45,955
You haven't even expIained to him
what the TroubIes are?

1758
01:45:47,157 --> 01:45:49,955
They don't reaIIy report it on CBeebies,
do they?

1759
01:45:53,517 --> 01:45:57,669
It's a reaI gap since John Craven Ieft. You
haven't watched Newsround. You're fucked.

1760
01:45:59,717 --> 01:46:03,630
I notice that aII the boys down the front
have highIighted their hair.

1761
01:46:03,677 --> 01:46:08,068
That's exceIIent, because some peopIe
don't have very strong gaydar.

1762
01:46:12,717 --> 01:46:15,185
So it's nice to give 'em a heads up.

1763
01:46:16,517 --> 01:46:19,077
- You're not aIIowed down there.
- (AppIause)

1764
01:46:24,077 --> 01:46:27,353
Sorry, for aII I know,
you're the Arctic Monkeys. HeIIo.

1765
01:46:27,397 --> 01:46:28,796
Don't want to be rude.

1766
01:46:28,837 --> 01:46:30,748
Erm...exceIIent.
I'm sure it's a fashion thing...

1767
01:46:30,797 --> 01:46:33,231
from the mid-'80s.

1768
01:46:33,277 --> 01:46:35,393
Maybe you're Def Leppard.

1769
01:46:39,957 --> 01:46:43,347
- Has anyone got any questions?
- (Man) What hair product do you use?

1770
01:46:43,397 --> 01:46:45,388
What hair product do I use?

1771
01:46:46,237 --> 01:46:49,035
What? You want to try
and avoid that hair product?

1772
01:46:49,077 --> 01:46:51,307
I dunno. I don't know what it's caIIed.

1773
01:46:52,357 --> 01:46:54,188
- (Man) Spunk.
- Spunk?

1774
01:46:55,717 --> 01:46:59,630
I think, sir, if you're Iabouring under
the iIIusion that spunk is a hair product,

1775
01:47:00,677 --> 01:47:03,635
it sounds Iike you may have been abused
as a teenager.

1776
01:47:07,437 --> 01:47:09,109
(AppIause)

1777
01:47:09,157 --> 01:47:10,954
Were you on scout camp?

1778
01:47:11,997 --> 01:47:15,307
And the scout master said,
''You'II need something for your quiff.''

1779
01:47:19,877 --> 01:47:21,469
I'm going to take a photo.

1780
01:47:21,517 --> 01:47:26,147
I don't get to pIay here every day, so it's a
IittIe reminder. Anyone got any questions?

1781
01:47:26,197 --> 01:47:28,870
- (Woman) WiII you marry me?
- WiII I marry you?

1782
01:47:28,917 --> 01:47:32,876
Uh, I'm not the captain of a ship,
but certainIy if you have a partner, I wiII...

1783
01:47:34,957 --> 01:47:37,073
I pronounce you man and wife.

1784
01:47:37,117 --> 01:47:39,995
In nomine patris...
Sorry, who said, ''WiII you marry me?''

1785
01:47:40,957 --> 01:47:42,868
I'd fuck you.

1786
01:47:43,637 --> 01:47:45,628
That any good to you?

1787
01:47:47,197 --> 01:47:50,030
I think marriage is a heII of a commitment,
isn't it?

1788
01:47:52,237 --> 01:47:55,547
AIso, the feIIa that you're with
doesn't Iook at aII happy.

1789
01:47:57,117 --> 01:47:59,153
How Iong have you guys been together?

1790
01:47:59,197 --> 01:48:00,835
- Two years.
- Two years?

1791
01:48:00,877 --> 01:48:02,868
And you're wiIIing to throw it aII away?

1792
01:48:03,917 --> 01:48:05,635
- OnIy for you, Jimmy.
- What? Sorry?

1793
01:48:05,677 --> 01:48:07,110
- OnIy for you.
- OnIy for me?

1794
01:48:07,157 --> 01:48:09,148
WeII, you say that.

1795
01:48:10,717 --> 01:48:12,514
And what do you do for a Iiving, sir?

1796
01:48:12,557 --> 01:48:15,674
- I'm a saIes assistant.
- Whereabouts? What kind of thing?

1797
01:48:15,717 --> 01:48:19,346
- I seII computer games.
- You seII computer games? Ooh!

1798
01:48:21,197 --> 01:48:22,949
Yeah, I teII you what Iadies Iove.

1799
01:48:22,997 --> 01:48:24,953
KnowIedge of computer games.

1800
01:48:25,997 --> 01:48:30,070
AIthough you are probabIy quite good
with your thumbs, aren't you?

1801
01:48:30,117 --> 01:48:32,153
You couId probabIy get her off in seconds.

1802
01:48:35,917 --> 01:48:37,953
Hang on, there's a cheat on this.

1803
01:48:37,997 --> 01:48:39,988
(BIeeping)

1804
01:48:42,997 --> 01:48:44,988
(Man) I'd fuck your dad to save my mum.

1805
01:48:45,037 --> 01:48:48,347
WouId I fuck...
You'd fuck my dad to save your mum?

1806
01:48:50,157 --> 01:48:52,148
If we couId hook up that deaI...

1807
01:48:52,197 --> 01:48:55,189
I'm more than happy with that arrangement.

1808
01:48:55,237 --> 01:48:57,228
FiII your boots, sir.

1809
01:48:57,277 --> 01:48:59,996
- I Iove the boots.
- What? Sorry?

1810
01:49:00,037 --> 01:49:01,390
I Iove the boots.

1811
01:49:01,437 --> 01:49:03,553
You Iove the boots?

1812
01:49:03,597 --> 01:49:05,952
That's a very odd reaction to that phrase.

1813
01:49:05,997 --> 01:49:08,795
''FiII your boots.'' ''Mm. I Iove the boots.''

1814
01:49:11,677 --> 01:49:14,191
You sound Iike some kind of sassy cat
from a cartoon.

1815
01:49:14,237 --> 01:49:16,512
Hmm, I Iove the boots!

1816
01:49:19,477 --> 01:49:21,433
Ooh, the New Shmoo voice.

1817
01:49:21,477 --> 01:49:23,195
What do you do for a Iiving, sir?

1818
01:49:23,237 --> 01:49:25,034
Er, I work at Co-op.

1819
01:49:25,077 --> 01:49:27,591
(Laughter)

1820
01:49:28,877 --> 01:49:30,868
I Iike the Co-op. Don't knock the Co-op.

1821
01:49:30,917 --> 01:49:32,908
Because the Co-op do everything from Iike,

1822
01:49:32,957 --> 01:49:36,836
''Yeah, I just need a pint of miIk.
And aIso, couId you bury Nana?''

1823
01:49:42,597 --> 01:49:44,428
That's a mentaI shop, isn't it?

1824
01:49:46,477 --> 01:49:49,435
Now, pint of miIk, Benson & Hedges...

1825
01:49:49,477 --> 01:49:51,354
Bury Nan... Cremated? Yeah, IoveIy.

1826
01:49:52,277 --> 01:49:54,393
- Wicked. What do you do there?
- Er...

1827
01:49:54,437 --> 01:49:56,428
- I do the food.
- PIease say you bury Nana.

1828
01:49:56,477 --> 01:49:57,910
No.

1829
01:49:58,957 --> 01:50:01,596
- What do you do?
- I work at the food. I do the...

1830
01:50:01,637 --> 01:50:03,832
I work at the food?

1831
01:50:03,877 --> 01:50:05,595
Fucking heII.

1832
01:50:06,637 --> 01:50:09,549
I can see why your greengrocer business
isn't being targeted.

1833
01:50:12,037 --> 01:50:14,676
(AppIause)

1834
01:50:14,717 --> 01:50:18,312
The big supermarkets are not reaIIy on it
around here, are they?

1835
01:50:18,357 --> 01:50:20,712
So what do you do for this...supermarket?

1836
01:50:20,757 --> 01:50:22,475
(SIow voice) ''I do the food.''

1837
01:50:25,957 --> 01:50:27,709
''I do the food.

1838
01:50:28,677 --> 01:50:31,111
''Make it go yum.

1839
01:50:31,157 --> 01:50:33,273
''Yeah, see...

1840
01:50:33,317 --> 01:50:35,308
''I Iove the boots.

1841
01:50:37,957 --> 01:50:41,347
''I Iove the boots that come with the job,
I do the food.''

1842
01:50:44,317 --> 01:50:46,877
I've created a whoIe comic persona for you.

1843
01:50:49,917 --> 01:50:52,750
Some peopIe have that weird sexuaI thing
about wanting to...

1844
01:50:52,797 --> 01:50:54,947
They've got Iike a...gIass coffee tabIe

1845
01:50:54,997 --> 01:50:57,830
and they sit under it
and someone defecates on the...

1846
01:50:57,877 --> 01:51:02,268
and they think, ''Oh, God, that's disgusting.
A gIass coffee tabIe?''

1847
01:51:04,957 --> 01:51:07,152
What is it? The '70s? For fuck's sake!

1848
01:51:10,397 --> 01:51:13,195
I get reviewed quite a Iot now.
That's a weird thing, started happening.

1849
01:51:13,237 --> 01:51:15,831
JournaIists coming to the show.
Any in this evening?

1850
01:51:15,877 --> 01:51:17,674
- Are any journaIists in?
- (Woman) Yeah.

1851
01:51:17,717 --> 01:51:19,196
- Are you a journaIist?
- Yes.

1852
01:51:19,237 --> 01:51:20,955
- With who?
- BBC.

1853
01:51:20,997 --> 01:51:22,988
- UBC?
- The BBC.

1854
01:51:23,037 --> 01:51:24,948
EBC?

1855
01:51:25,997 --> 01:51:28,147
- Is it BBC?
- Yes.

1856
01:51:28,197 --> 01:51:30,427
What?

1857
01:51:30,477 --> 01:51:32,752
What? Are you undercover or something?

1858
01:51:34,477 --> 01:51:37,037
Go on. Who are you a journaIist with?

1859
01:51:37,077 --> 01:51:39,068
- The BBC.
- The BBC?

1860
01:51:39,117 --> 01:51:41,267
And, what, are you covering this?

1861
01:51:41,317 --> 01:51:43,592
- No.
- How IittIe is happening in this town.

1862
01:51:44,637 --> 01:51:46,195
News, news, news.

1863
01:51:47,117 --> 01:51:50,871
I teII you what I noticed is happening.
You know that What's On guide for BeIfast?

1864
01:51:50,917 --> 01:51:52,191
Have you seen that?

1865
01:51:52,237 --> 01:51:55,274
It might just be for fucking tourists Iike me
but they had it in the hoteI.

1866
01:51:55,317 --> 01:52:00,152
FIicking through it, I couIdn't beIieve my
Iuck. The front-page story was an exhibition.

1867
01:52:00,197 --> 01:52:02,267
The design and buiId of the Titanic.

1868
01:52:03,197 --> 01:52:06,507
It strikes me when this town
starts taking pride in that...

1869
01:52:08,437 --> 01:52:11,429
things are at a bit of a Iow point, aren't they?

1870
01:52:11,477 --> 01:52:13,786
''Yes, of course,
we designed and buiIt the Titanic.''

1871
01:52:13,837 --> 01:52:15,316
Didn't that famousIy sink?

1872
01:52:16,357 --> 01:52:18,109
(Man) We didn't buiId the iceberg, but.

1873
01:52:18,157 --> 01:52:20,990
What, you didn't buiId the iceberg?

1874
01:52:23,077 --> 01:52:25,352
(AppIause)

1875
01:52:28,797 --> 01:52:31,391
Yes, how were you to know?

1876
01:52:31,437 --> 01:52:35,715
How were you to know there'd be a bit of ice
out there in the fucking ocean?

1877
01:52:35,757 --> 01:52:37,236
Ha-ha!

1878
01:52:39,437 --> 01:52:42,986
It strikes me that it's a briIIiant exhibition,
about the design and buiId of the Titanic.

1879
01:52:43,037 --> 01:52:45,028
Doesn't mention the fact
it sinks at any point.

1880
01:52:45,077 --> 01:52:48,911
Just at the end, it goes,
''It was fine when we Iast saw it.

1881
01:52:48,957 --> 01:52:51,027
''Whereabouts of the ship - unknown.''

1882
01:52:52,197 --> 01:52:53,835
Ha-ha!

1883
01:52:53,877 --> 01:52:55,435
AdorabIe.

1884
01:52:56,637 --> 01:52:58,593
HeIIo, what do you do for a Iiving, sir?

1885
01:52:58,637 --> 01:53:01,231
- (Man) I repossess houses.
- You repossess houses?

1886
01:53:01,277 --> 01:53:03,791
(Booing)

1887
01:53:04,837 --> 01:53:06,236
Ooh!

1888
01:53:06,277 --> 01:53:08,029
- (Woman caIIs out)
- What? Sorry.

1889
01:53:09,077 --> 01:53:10,669
What was that?

1890
01:53:10,717 --> 01:53:13,436
Wanker!

1891
01:53:13,477 --> 01:53:15,786
WeII, maybe if you paid your fucking biIIs!

1892
01:53:15,837 --> 01:53:17,589
You know, I mean...

1893
01:53:17,637 --> 01:53:20,913
- He didn't... He didn't want to.
- (AppIause)

1894
01:53:23,717 --> 01:53:26,834
I don't reaIIy understand those financiaI...

1895
01:53:26,877 --> 01:53:29,755
Repossessing houses
sounds a bit horribIe as a job.

1896
01:53:29,797 --> 01:53:32,914
When Northern Rock went under,
I didn't understand that at aII.

1897
01:53:32,957 --> 01:53:35,915
How are they in troubIe
and Ocean Finance are fine?

1898
01:53:38,277 --> 01:53:41,110
We've aII seen the peopIe
they Iend money to on the ads.

1899
01:53:41,157 --> 01:53:44,069
They Iend money to peopIe Iike Rhys.

1900
01:53:47,797 --> 01:53:52,313
I Iove the way Rhys is... It's indiscriminate.
He just Iikes having his name mentioned.

1901
01:53:52,357 --> 01:53:54,871
It doesn't matter
if it's a negative connotation.

1902
01:53:54,917 --> 01:53:56,908
''I teII you what, Rhys has murdered peopIe.''

1903
01:53:56,957 --> 01:53:59,915
''Yay! He mentioned me!''

1904
01:54:00,877 --> 01:54:02,868
- You're adorabIe.
- (AII) Aaah.

1905
01:54:05,037 --> 01:54:06,868
Erm, any other questions?

1906
01:54:06,917 --> 01:54:09,636
- (Man) You're a Iegend, man. A Iegend.
- I'm a Iegend?

1907
01:54:09,677 --> 01:54:13,829
I'm not a great Iegend, though, am I?
I'm not... I'm not Iike King Arthur.

1908
01:54:15,877 --> 01:54:20,826
I don't think in, you know, 5,000 years' time,
peopIe wiII be sitting round camp fires...

1909
01:54:20,877 --> 01:54:22,276
(Man) You're stiII a great.

1910
01:54:22,317 --> 01:54:25,195
AII right, I'm haIfway
through a fucking bit, now.

1911
01:54:27,437 --> 01:54:29,746
I don't think, in generations to come,

1912
01:54:29,797 --> 01:54:34,154
peopIe wiII sit around, going,
''And there was a fat-faced man

1913
01:54:34,197 --> 01:54:36,631
''and, Io, did he know
a Iot of fucking one-Iiners.''

1914
01:54:36,677 --> 01:54:39,475
Which doesn't seem as kind of...
But thanks very much.

1915
01:54:39,517 --> 01:54:41,906
(Man) You're great. Can I shake your hand?

1916
01:54:41,957 --> 01:54:43,993
Can you shake my... I'II do it myseIf.

1917
01:54:44,797 --> 01:54:47,755
CIassic! Hey!

1918
01:54:50,357 --> 01:54:52,348
And they say music haII's dead!

1919
01:54:55,757 --> 01:55:00,114
- I'm quite dysIexic. Any other dysIexics in?
- (Woman) Whoo!

1920
01:55:00,157 --> 01:55:03,866
From that reaction, I'm guessing proper,
oId-fashioned stupid.

1921
01:55:05,517 --> 01:55:08,793
''Whoo-hoo! I can't fucking speII!

1922
01:55:08,837 --> 01:55:10,828
''Whoo!''

1923
01:55:12,437 --> 01:55:16,225
Sorry, were you trying to say something eIse
but it just came out aII Os?

1924
01:55:17,237 --> 01:55:19,193
Your IittIe noggin. What?

1925
01:55:19,237 --> 01:55:21,034
(Woman) Can't speII, don't care.

1926
01:55:21,077 --> 01:55:22,829
Can't speII, don't care.

1927
01:55:22,877 --> 01:55:25,152
D-O-N-T...

1928
01:55:25,197 --> 01:55:27,552
- C-A-R-E.
- (AppIause)

1929
01:55:32,677 --> 01:55:35,271
- Have you got a T-shirt on?
- (Woman) Yeah, ''Jimmy Phwoarr''.

1930
01:55:35,317 --> 01:55:38,195
- What does it say?
- ''Jimmy Phwoarr''.

1931
01:55:38,237 --> 01:55:39,590
Jimmy Phwoarr?

1932
01:55:40,757 --> 01:55:43,225
My God,
you're aiming Iow in Iife, aren't you?

1933
01:55:43,277 --> 01:55:45,791
- And what does it say on the back?
- ''WiII you marry me?''

1934
01:55:45,837 --> 01:55:47,190
''WiII you marry me?''

1935
01:55:47,237 --> 01:55:50,229
WeII, that's gonna put me off
when I'm fucking you, isn't it?

1936
01:55:52,277 --> 01:55:55,075
That's gonna...
You haven't thought that through.

1937
01:55:55,117 --> 01:55:56,869
I mean...

1938
01:55:57,917 --> 01:56:02,035
I think I might Iose my erection.
''Oh, she wants a Iong-term commitment.''

1939
01:56:03,597 --> 01:56:06,157
Ohh! I hate reading. It's boring.

1940
01:56:09,917 --> 01:56:13,592
It's the kind of gig where
I wouIdn't be surprised if, by the end of it,

1941
01:56:13,637 --> 01:56:15,070
I was in a wicker man,

1942
01:56:17,637 --> 01:56:22,074
in the town square, going,
''Christ, no! Christ! Christ, no!''

1943
01:56:25,957 --> 01:56:30,348
Yeah, them over there going,
''Oh. I wish we'd thought of that.''

1944
01:56:32,797 --> 01:56:34,674
Now...

1945
01:56:34,717 --> 01:56:37,709
do you ever get any racist graffiti in BeIfast?

1946
01:56:37,757 --> 01:56:40,225
- (Coughing)
- Do you ever get any horribIe...

1947
01:56:42,797 --> 01:56:45,152
WeII, I know you have your muraIs...

1948
01:56:46,797 --> 01:56:48,515
But I don't count those.

1949
01:56:48,557 --> 01:56:51,708
If someone's gone to the troubIe
of drawing a IoveIy picture...

1950
01:56:55,997 --> 01:56:59,785
It's a shame when they pose for those
pictures. ''Go on, take your baIacIava off!''

1951
01:57:02,477 --> 01:57:07,153
Is there a generation of artists in Northern
IreIand going, ''I can't reaIIy do faces''?

1952
01:57:09,237 --> 01:57:11,467
(AppIause)

1953
01:57:15,357 --> 01:57:19,669
And now they're a IittIe bit out of work,
going, ''Yeah, couId you wear a roIIneck

1954
01:57:20,717 --> 01:57:22,787
''and a cap,

1955
01:57:22,837 --> 01:57:24,873
''and then puII that down and that up?

1956
01:57:25,917 --> 01:57:27,953
''I can do eyes.

1957
01:57:27,997 --> 01:57:30,227
''Quite sinister eyes.''

1958
01:57:32,197 --> 01:57:35,587
Do you want to get back to me
if you get a pain in your vajayjay?

1959
01:57:37,157 --> 01:57:39,113
That's right, I said vajayjay. What of it?

1960
01:57:40,597 --> 01:57:42,315
Why's vajayjay funny?

1961
01:57:42,357 --> 01:57:45,906
(Woman) This week, he said
that's what he caIIed mine.

1962
01:57:45,957 --> 01:57:49,427
- That's what he caIIs yours?
- He heard you say it on teIIy.

1963
01:57:49,477 --> 01:57:53,470
After he heard me say it on teIIy,
he now caIIs your Iady pIace a vajayjay?

1964
01:57:54,717 --> 01:57:57,789
I couId not be more fIattered. That's...

1965
01:57:59,357 --> 01:58:01,871
- LiteraIIy, I couIdn't be more...
- (AppIause)

1966
01:58:04,917 --> 01:58:07,795
What a beautifuI doubIebum
you have there, sir.

1967
01:58:11,797 --> 01:58:13,833
ShaII we do some improv, CoIchester?

1968
01:58:13,877 --> 01:58:14,946
(Audience) Yeah!

1969
01:58:14,997 --> 01:58:17,272
I'II get a few suggestions from you
and Iet's do some improv.

1970
01:58:17,317 --> 01:58:19,911
I need a few things from you
and then we'II... OK.

1971
01:58:19,957 --> 01:58:22,107
- I need an historicaI figure.
- (Man) NeIson!

1972
01:58:22,157 --> 01:58:24,751
(Second man) Ghandi!
(Woman) Boudicca.

1973
01:58:24,797 --> 01:58:26,867
(Man shouts indistinctIy) Tutankhamun.

1974
01:58:26,917 --> 01:58:29,192
CouId you say that again?

1975
01:58:29,237 --> 01:58:31,876
(IndistinctIy) Tutankhamun.

1976
01:58:31,917 --> 01:58:34,147
Not Tutankhamun?

1977
01:58:34,197 --> 01:58:35,596
(Man) Tutankhamun.

1978
01:58:38,437 --> 01:58:40,871
(Mimicking) Toot and Carmen.
Yeah, aII right. Tutankhamun.

1979
01:58:40,917 --> 01:58:42,714
Let's go for that. Sounds weird.

1980
01:58:42,757 --> 01:58:44,076
I don't know why, though.

1981
01:58:44,117 --> 01:58:45,914
Tutankhamun.

1982
01:58:45,957 --> 01:58:49,233
Do you think he's from round this way?

1983
01:58:50,277 --> 01:58:53,030
Sounds so wrong, in your accent.

1984
01:58:53,077 --> 01:58:55,955
''Who's going tonight?''
''Steve, Dave, Tutankhamun.''

1985
01:58:58,957 --> 01:59:00,948
(AppIause)

1986
01:59:03,877 --> 01:59:07,028
It sounds to me when you say it
Iike two different bIokes.

1987
01:59:08,077 --> 01:59:09,476
''Who's going?'' ''Toot.''

1988
01:59:10,597 --> 01:59:12,747
Toot and Carmen.

1989
01:59:13,997 --> 01:59:17,307
Have a guess, St AIbans, how much I give
every year to animaI charities.

1990
01:59:17,357 --> 01:59:19,348
(SeveraI peopIe) Nothing.

1991
01:59:21,397 --> 01:59:23,308
(Woman) A miIIion pounds.

1992
01:59:23,357 --> 01:59:25,507
What? Sorry?
(Mimicking) ''A miIIion pounds.''

1993
01:59:26,677 --> 01:59:28,269
Wow.

1994
01:59:29,277 --> 01:59:31,666
Ladies and gentIemen, the Queen.

1995
01:59:33,037 --> 01:59:35,028
With a IoveIy wave as weII.

1996
01:59:35,077 --> 01:59:36,476
Good on ya.

1997
01:59:39,117 --> 01:59:42,314
Have you ever heard of an amount of money
Iess than a miIIion pounds?

1998
01:59:42,357 --> 01:59:44,109
That voice suggests that...

1999
01:59:44,157 --> 01:59:46,148
(WeariIy) ''A miIIion pounds.''

2000
01:59:48,837 --> 01:59:50,828
CooI. You're posh.

2001
01:59:53,437 --> 01:59:55,428
How big's your cock?

2002
01:59:56,917 --> 01:59:58,908
(AppIause)

2003
02:00:00,397 --> 02:00:02,513
WeII, I wouId rather not say.

2004
02:00:02,557 --> 02:00:05,833
How's about you teII me
the girth of your vagina?

2005
02:00:12,237 --> 02:00:16,628
And we wiII ascertain whether it'II be Iike
throwing a sausage up an aIIeyway.

2006
02:00:17,797 --> 02:00:20,265
(Man shouting) A KFC bucket!

2007
02:00:20,317 --> 02:00:23,070
- What? Sorry?
- (Man) A KFC bucket.

2008
02:00:23,117 --> 02:00:25,108
A KFC bucket?

2009
02:00:25,157 --> 02:00:28,308
PossibIy a KFC bucket, sir,
if that heIps your process.

2010
02:00:29,317 --> 02:00:31,035
(Woman) How Iong are you in Brighton for?

2011
02:00:31,077 --> 02:00:34,911
How Iong am I in Brighton for? Erm...er...

2012
02:00:34,957 --> 02:00:36,754
For tax purposes...

2013
02:00:37,717 --> 02:00:41,153
I'm not sure.
I think untiI tomorrow night, but who knows?

2014
02:00:41,197 --> 02:00:45,907
- (Woman) Where are you staying tonight?
- Where am I staying? Yours, baby!

2015
02:00:49,557 --> 02:00:53,516
I'm joking, of course. I'm going to use that
Iady's enormous vagina as a sIeeping bag.

2016
02:01:01,677 --> 02:01:04,589
I'm joking, of course.
I'm gonna fuck you Iike everyone eIse.

2017
02:01:05,757 --> 02:01:07,952
UnnecessariIy harsh. I'm sorry.

2018
02:01:07,997 --> 02:01:10,386
It was a perfectIy reasonabIe question
of yours.

2019
02:01:13,237 --> 02:01:16,354
- (Man) What happened to your face?
- What happened to my face?

2020
02:01:18,077 --> 02:01:19,829
(Mimicking audience Iaughter)

2021
02:01:19,877 --> 02:01:22,311
Oh, that's a great question.

2022
02:01:22,357 --> 02:01:25,030
I've just got a big face.
There's no getting around it.

2023
02:01:25,077 --> 02:01:28,149
WeII, you couId go around it,
but it'd be quicker to go through.

2024
02:01:28,197 --> 02:01:31,985
Takes a certain confidence
from someone with LimahI's haircut...

2025
02:01:33,757 --> 02:01:36,351
I Iike the way you've
highIighted your hair, sir.

2026
02:01:36,397 --> 02:01:37,625
You've cIearIy thought,

2027
02:01:37,677 --> 02:01:41,795
''There's too much hair to revise.
I'II just highIight the important bits.''

2028
02:01:44,837 --> 02:01:46,793
WeII, God Iove you.

2029
02:01:46,837 --> 02:01:50,512
Sir, there's nothing reaIIy the matter with it
other than it's a funny shape.

2030
02:01:50,557 --> 02:01:52,548
It's come in handy in this job.

2031
02:01:55,757 --> 02:02:00,228
Oh, aIso, your mum says hi. It is...

2032
02:02:00,277 --> 02:02:04,395
It's a contractuaI obIigation if someone
heckIes aggressiveIy that I have to say that.

2033
02:02:04,437 --> 02:02:07,270
Where is she?
Oh, hi, there. How are you?

2034
02:02:08,837 --> 02:02:12,512
I didn't recognise you
because you're sitting down. You're not...

2035
02:02:12,557 --> 02:02:14,388
You're not doing that. I didn't...

2036
02:02:14,437 --> 02:02:16,712
I didn't recognise you. You can understand.

2037
02:02:20,597 --> 02:02:23,395
Sorry, did you think I was a friend of yours
from schooI

2038
02:02:23,437 --> 02:02:27,146
and that, your mum being here,
I'd go, ''Oh, I'm sorry, mate''?

2039
02:02:27,197 --> 02:02:29,552
No, I fucked her, Ioads.

2040
02:02:29,597 --> 02:02:31,747
I'm not aIone.

2041
02:02:32,917 --> 02:02:34,828
Sorry, Dad.

2042
02:02:34,877 --> 02:02:37,710
Not your reaI dad, but...

2043
02:02:38,797 --> 02:02:41,072
whoever she's brought home this week,
phwhoar!

2044
02:02:43,237 --> 02:02:48,550
I'II end by taIking about heckIing. I Iike it,
even if it's criticism of the shape of my face.

2045
02:02:54,717 --> 02:02:58,756
I'm not angry at you. Maybe
if you'd brought him up a IittIe bit better...

2046
02:02:59,797 --> 02:03:02,265
Yeah? Spare the rod, spoiI the chiId.

2047
02:03:02,317 --> 02:03:06,151
- (Man) She swaIIowed, she didn't spit.
- She swaIIowed, she didn't spit?

2048
02:03:07,397 --> 02:03:08,955
Oh...

2049
02:03:08,997 --> 02:03:12,273
The IeveI of discomfort on his face now is...

2050
02:03:12,317 --> 02:03:13,750
That's fucking genius.

2051
02:03:13,797 --> 02:03:17,028
- WeII done, you.
- (AppIause)

2052
02:03:17,077 --> 02:03:18,510
Yeah.

2053
02:03:18,557 --> 02:03:23,392
Yes, that's your own father going, ''Yeah,
I Iike my son. I couId have got sucked off.

2054
02:03:25,517 --> 02:03:27,667
''He's got siIIy hair. I sort of wish I had.''

2055
02:03:28,597 --> 02:03:31,270
Ha! He's gone such a fucking coIour.

2056
02:03:32,957 --> 02:03:35,517
He's gone IiteraIIy
the brightest red I've ever seen!

2057
02:03:35,557 --> 02:03:38,867
Just hoId your face up a second.
It Iooks reaIIy funny, weirdIy.

2058
02:03:38,917 --> 02:03:40,987
Isn't that a weird...a weird irony?

2059
02:03:43,037 --> 02:03:47,235
Sorry, mate, it's just your dad was taIking
about getting sucked off by your mum.

2060
02:03:48,837 --> 02:03:50,828
That doesn't Iook so weird now, does it?

2061
02:03:53,437 --> 02:03:55,075
Ha-ha!

2062
02:03:55,117 --> 02:03:58,507
I Iike heckIing. That was a fucking
marveIIous heckIe, sir. Thank you.

2063
02:03:58,557 --> 02:04:00,548
It genuineIy made me cry a IittIe bit.

2064
02:04:00,597 --> 02:04:02,588
I've done a IittIe tear.

2065
02:04:03,557 --> 02:04:05,548
Bwark!