1
00:00:02,134 --> 00:00:05,471
JEFF DUNHAM: I can't believe
the show starts in half an hour
2
00:00:05,538 --> 00:00:07,206
and Achmed's late.
3
00:00:07,273 --> 00:00:08,541
Maybe he drowned trying
4
00:00:08,608 --> 00:00:10,576
to visit Bin Laden's grave.
5
00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:12,578
(laughing)
6
00:00:12,645 --> 00:00:13,946
Security.
7
00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:15,414
That's my name.
8
00:00:15,481 --> 00:00:16,649
Don't wear it out.
9
00:00:16,716 --> 00:00:18,351
Bubba J?
10
00:00:18,417 --> 00:00:20,753
Yeah. Well, gotta go.
Beer break.
11
00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:22,421
Wait. Achmed's late.
Keep an eye out for him.
12
00:00:22,488 --> 00:00:24,223
Which eye?
13
00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:27,059
Where could he be?
14
00:00:27,126 --> 00:00:28,594
He went from dead terrorist
15
00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:30,429
to Hollywood diva.
16
00:00:30,496 --> 00:00:31,964
I'm telling you,
17
00:00:32,031 --> 00:00:33,633
the fame went to his skull.
18
00:00:33,699 --> 00:00:35,935
Achmed? No way.
19
00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:41,007
(engine revving)
20
00:00:48,781 --> 00:00:51,150
(evil laughter)
21
00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:03,062
(cackling)
22
00:01:09,001 --> 00:01:10,870
Huh?
23
00:01:16,475 --> 00:01:17,743
(growls)
24
00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:20,713
(bleating)
25
00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:21,981
Ah.
26
00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:25,384
(engine revving)
27
00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:34,961
(evil laughter)
28
00:01:40,232 --> 00:01:41,567
Achmed's here.
29
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:43,436
I'll go park his car
since there's
30
00:01:43,502 --> 00:01:45,838
no law against drunk parking.
31
00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:48,140
Thanks, Bubba J. Good job.
32
00:01:48,207 --> 00:01:49,609
(loud belch)
33
00:01:49,675 --> 00:01:51,410
(belching continues)
34
00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:58,150
Whoa. ls that a hybrid?
35
00:01:58,217 --> 00:02:00,453
It's the AchmedMobile,
you idiot.
36
00:02:00,519 --> 00:02:03,222
Just be careful parking it
or I keel you.
37
00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:08,828
Didn't hurt.
38
00:02:08,894 --> 00:02:10,129
And whatever you do,
39
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,731
don't touch the red button.
40
00:02:11,797 --> 00:02:13,599
Got it. Touch the red button.
41
00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:14,600
Yes.
42
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:16,836
-(alarm blaring)
-(9aSPS)
43
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:27,346
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,
44
00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:30,016
Jeff Dunham!
45
00:02:30,082 --> 00:02:33,185
(cheering and applause)
46
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,540
Thank you.
47
00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:57,243
Thank you so much.
48
00:02:57,309 --> 00:03:00,212
(cheering continues)
49
00:03:00,279 --> 00:03:01,781
Thank you very much.
50
00:03:05,718 --> 00:03:08,120
Thank you very, very much.
51
00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,056
-(cheering continues)
-Thank you very much.
52
00:03:12,958 --> 00:03:15,594
Ladies and gentlemen, it's
absolutely great to be here
53
00:03:15,661 --> 00:03:18,864
in lovely Richmond, Virginia.
54
00:03:18,931 --> 00:03:20,933
(cheering)
55
00:03:23,969 --> 00:03:25,571
And, you know, we--
56
00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:27,606
I've been doing this show
all over the country,
57
00:03:27,673 --> 00:03:29,041
just having a blast
here, there and everywhere.
58
00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:30,509
The fans are great.
59
00:03:30,576 --> 00:03:32,678
But we've also been taking
my show around the world.
60
00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:34,480
We've been doing shows
in South Africa, Australia,
61
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,649
three tours of Europe
and the U.K.
62
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,384
Now they're talking
about taking me to China.
63
00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:40,553
- Wha-What?
-(laughter)
64
00:03:40,619 --> 00:03:43,255
How am I going to do
my show in China?
65
00:03:43,322 --> 00:03:45,958
All I know is, if I do
do my show in China,
66
00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:49,295
there's a big chunk of my act
I'm going to have to leave out.
67
00:03:49,361 --> 00:03:50,830
(laughter)
68
00:03:50,896 --> 00:03:53,766
You'll recognize it when I do it
here this evening.
69
00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:56,035
(laughter)
70
00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:59,438
But it is interesting going to
some of these foreign countries
71
00:03:59,505 --> 00:04:01,907
and doing press interviews,
because some of the reporters
72
00:04:01,974 --> 00:04:03,409
have done their
homework and care,
73
00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:04,844
others just don't.
74
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:06,979
For example, I was in London
talking to a guy
75
00:04:07,046 --> 00:04:08,347
and he was like,
76
00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:10,449
(British accent):
"All right, so ventriloquism-
77
00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:13,753
have you eliminated every other
possibility of employment?"
78
00:04:13,819 --> 00:04:17,957
And I have to go, "No, this is
what I've done my entire life."
79
00:04:18,023 --> 00:04:19,959
I've never wanted to do
anything else.
80
00:04:20,025 --> 00:04:21,861
I started very young.
81
00:04:21,927 --> 00:04:24,363
I was eight years old,
I was in the third grade,
82
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:25,598
Christmas, 1970.
83
00:04:25,664 --> 00:04:27,299
Got my first dummy.
84
00:04:27,366 --> 00:04:30,503
There's Mom and Dad and me
under the tree right there.
85
00:04:30,569 --> 00:04:33,839
You can see how
proud my father is.
86
00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:36,041
(laughter)
87
00:04:36,108 --> 00:04:37,777
But for years
I'd look at that picture
88
00:04:37,843 --> 00:04:40,212
and I'd think, why does he have
that expression on his face?
89
00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:42,281
And then if finally hit me, duh,
look where the dummy's hand is.
90
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:46,051
- So...
-(laughter)
91
00:04:46,118 --> 00:04:48,287
Yeah, that's creepy.
92
00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:49,889
So I started doing shows
very early.
93
00:04:49,955 --> 00:04:51,524
All the way through
elementary school, junior high,
94
00:04:51,590 --> 00:04:52,792
high school, college.
95
00:04:52,858 --> 00:04:54,426
And this is what I wanted to do.
96
00:04:54,493 --> 00:04:55,728
This was the future I saw.
97
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:56,996
I saw it.
98
00:04:57,062 --> 00:04:58,898
There were a few people
that didn't see it.
99
00:04:58,964 --> 00:05:00,866
For example, girlfriends.
100
00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:02,935
They'd realize I was sincere
101
00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:06,238
about wanting to talk
to dummies the rest of my life,
102
00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:08,107
and they would dump me
immediately.
103
00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:11,110
I couldn't see what they saw
until a few months ago.
104
00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:12,812
I was sitting down
with my three daughters,
105
00:05:12,878 --> 00:05:14,213
and we were looking
at the yearbooks
106
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,881
from my junior high
and high school years.
107
00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:17,449
My daughters were horrified.
108
00:05:17,516 --> 00:05:20,452
Why? Let me explain.
109
00:05:20,519 --> 00:05:24,056
I started getting paid for doing
my shows in the seventh grade.
110
00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:25,558
And I knew
that if I was going to be
111
00:05:25,624 --> 00:05:28,194
a professional ventriloquist,
I needed a professional photo.
112
00:05:28,260 --> 00:05:29,595
Now my parents were supportive,
113
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:32,064
but they weren't going
to shell out the cash for that.
114
00:05:32,131 --> 00:05:34,333
So I thought, how am I going
to get a professional picture
115
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,769
of me and the dummy taken?
116
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,939
And then it finally hit me--
school picture day.
117
00:05:40,005 --> 00:05:41,974
(laughter)
118
00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:44,210
(applause)
119
00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:46,679
(laughter and applause builds)
120
00:05:51,717 --> 00:05:53,052
But I thought this was genius.
121
00:05:53,118 --> 00:05:54,954
All I had to do was show up
at school
122
00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:56,722
with the dummy in a suitcase,
stand in line
123
00:05:56,789 --> 00:05:58,023
and when it was my turn,
124
00:05:58,090 --> 00:06:00,392
I'd sit down,
put the dummy on my knee,
125
00:06:00,459 --> 00:06:02,461
smile, click,
professional photo.
126
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,463
And that's what I did,
127
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,200
every year from the seventh
grade through the 12th grade.
128
00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:10,169
The only trouble was,
129
00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:11,537
they'd only take one photo,
130
00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:14,139
and that's what ended up
in every yearbook.
131
00:06:14,206 --> 00:06:17,877
And that's why my daughters
were horrified.
132
00:06:17,943 --> 00:06:21,513
It was boy, girl, girl, boy,
boy with doll, girl...
133
00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:22,715
(laughter)
134
00:06:22,781 --> 00:06:24,149
Don't believe me?
135
00:06:24,216 --> 00:06:27,253
There's seventh grade
right there. There it is.
136
00:06:27,319 --> 00:06:31,824
(cheering and applause)
137
00:06:37,329 --> 00:06:38,864
I'm the one on the right.
138
00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:40,833
Look at that.
139
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,868
That is Justin Bieber hair,
damn it.
140
00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:45,738
(cheering)
141
00:06:45,804 --> 00:06:49,108
So ninth grade came along and
I decided to do the same thing.
142
00:06:49,174 --> 00:06:51,944
This was the bicentennial year
in our country-- 1976.
143
00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:53,879
I was a patriotic lad,
144
00:06:53,946 --> 00:06:55,814
but I didn't want to dress
like Uncle Sam.
145
00:06:55,881 --> 00:06:57,416
No, apparently I wanted
to dress like
146
00:06:57,483 --> 00:06:59,518
a Fourth of July
picnic table cover.
147
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,587
(laughter)
148
00:07:05,224 --> 00:07:07,226
(applause and cheering)
149
00:07:10,663 --> 00:07:12,698
You know, the funniest thing
to me
150
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,067
about that photo is the fact
that I have braces.
151
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:16,802
Why is that funny?
Well, the rest of my life
152
00:07:16,869 --> 00:07:18,404
I'm going to be talking
with my mouth shut,
153
00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:20,606
so what's the point?
154
00:07:20,673 --> 00:07:22,608
(laughter)
155
00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:25,778
I know most of you look
at these photos and think,
156
00:07:25,844 --> 00:07:28,080
this is the saddest human being
we've ever met.
157
00:07:28,147 --> 00:07:29,648
Did he have any friends?
158
00:07:29,715 --> 00:07:31,050
Yes, I did.
159
00:07:31,116 --> 00:07:33,485
Here we are sitting
in my bedroom one day.
160
00:07:33,552 --> 00:07:36,422
So now I had about 15 minutes
in my show.
161
00:07:36,488 --> 00:07:39,158
I knew I wanted to add
something else-- some variety.
162
00:07:39,224 --> 00:07:41,327
I thought, music? Yes.
Something cool.
163
00:07:41,393 --> 00:07:42,795
Rock and roll guitar?
164
00:07:42,861 --> 00:07:45,431
No, something cooler.
I'll play the trombone.
165
00:07:45,497 --> 00:07:48,567
(laughter)
166
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:50,703
I'm going to let--
167
00:07:50,769 --> 00:07:54,373
I'm going to let this photo
soak in just for a minute.
168
00:07:58,410 --> 00:08:00,245
(applause)
169
00:08:03,682 --> 00:08:06,652
There is so much wrong here,
ladies and gentlemen.
170
00:08:06,719 --> 00:08:08,253
Let's start
with the least obvious,
171
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,189
and that's my dummy
up in the corner
172
00:08:10,255 --> 00:08:13,792
listening to me play
the trombone, but...
173
00:08:13,859 --> 00:08:17,696
Now let's talk
about fashion, shall we?
174
00:08:17,763 --> 00:08:19,531
(laughter)
175
00:08:19,598 --> 00:08:23,035
How did my mother even let me
out of the house?
176
00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:25,571
And this wasn't some accident
on a Saturday morning
177
00:08:25,637 --> 00:08:27,673
where I accidentally threw on
the wrong clothes.
178
00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:31,143
This was an outfit I wore
to school regularly.
179
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:35,247
I don't know why I didn't get
beat up on a regular basis.
180
00:08:35,314 --> 00:08:37,182
I must have gone to the store
and said,
181
00:08:37,249 --> 00:08:40,285
"Do you have any pants that
don't even go with themselves?"
182
00:08:40,352 --> 00:08:42,955
(laughter)
183
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,723
This next photo,
184
00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:47,593
you know, my parents
were supportive,
185
00:08:47,659 --> 00:08:49,361
but every once in a while
186
00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:52,398
in a child's life
the parents must step in
187
00:08:52,464 --> 00:08:55,134
and say enough is enough.
188
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,336
Apparently my parents
did not do this,
189
00:08:57,403 --> 00:08:59,471
as is evidenced
by this next photo.
190
00:08:59,538 --> 00:09:01,407
And by the way, there is--
191
00:09:01,473 --> 00:09:03,175
none of these photos
have been photoshopped.
192
00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:04,476
Everything is legit.
193
00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:06,378
Everything's real.
194
00:09:06,445 --> 00:09:08,747
I promise you.
195
00:09:08,814 --> 00:09:11,083
So, that's how sad it is.
196
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:13,085
But this next photograph--
197
00:09:13,152 --> 00:09:14,820
I don't remember
how it happened.
198
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:18,357
All I know is that we went to
the professional portrait studio
199
00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:21,860
and this was the family portrait
that hung in our living room
200
00:09:21,927 --> 00:09:23,729
this big, for years.
201
00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:26,265
(laughter)
202
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,369
(cheering and applause)
203
00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,841
(whistling, cheering, applause)
204
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:46,118
You know maybe... (laughing)
205
00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:50,989
And the weird part is my parents
had family and friends over
206
00:09:51,056 --> 00:09:53,125
for parties a lot.
207
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,327
And this was hanging right there
in plain view.
208
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:57,629
No one ever said anything.
209
00:09:57,696 --> 00:10:00,065
They must have thought,
"Well, the food's good.
210
00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:03,502
Let's go to the mentally
ill people's house."
211
00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:07,072
All right, so that's--
that's high school.
212
00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:11,243
High school-- and time
to pick up chicks.
213
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,312
(laughter)
214
00:10:19,351 --> 00:10:21,353
(wolf whistle)
215
00:10:24,389 --> 00:10:26,959
It was the late '70s.
Disco was king.
216
00:10:27,025 --> 00:10:28,794
I had my silk shirt, my dummy
217
00:10:28,861 --> 00:10:30,662
and my porn mustache.
218
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:37,736
Now this-this next photo I found
in a box just recently.
219
00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:41,807
You know, and some photos
just go without explanation.
220
00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:44,209
I don't remember what this was.
221
00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:46,879
I don't remember
what was going on.
222
00:10:46,945 --> 00:10:49,648
I don't know... I don't know.
223
00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:53,852
(prolonged laughter)
224
00:11:03,228 --> 00:11:05,097
(audience whistling)
225
00:11:06,865 --> 00:11:08,767
Let's examine this, shall we?
226
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,503
I'm standing
in my parents' front yard.
227
00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:13,172
On the hood of this vehicle
228
00:11:13,238 --> 00:11:16,775
is the largest stuffed animal
known to man.
229
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,811
I don't know how I got it home,
I don't know why it was there,
230
00:11:19,878 --> 00:11:22,648
I don't know
what the hell it is.
231
00:11:22,714 --> 00:11:27,386
Also on the hood of the vehicle
is R2-D2.
232
00:11:27,452 --> 00:11:29,755
(laughter)
233
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:38,130
My dummy is dressed up like
a bad Luke Skywalker knockoff...
234
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:42,568
and I'm wearing a frickin‘
Hawaiian shirt.
235
00:11:42,634 --> 00:11:44,603
It's like Torn Selleck jumped
236
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:48,907
out of the closet and went,
"Guess what!"
237
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,752
And now it's time
to move on to college
238
00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:02,621
and the intellectual years.
239
00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:14,666
I don't even,
I don't even know why.
240
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,535
You know, the photographer
should have
241
00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:19,004
just fallen over laughing.
I don't...
242
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:20,973
I looked like Sherlock Holmes
with a dummy.
243
00:12:21,039 --> 00:12:23,242
I don't know what that is.
244
00:12:23,308 --> 00:12:25,911
So I graduated from college.
245
00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:28,747
I was living in central Texas,
and I was still doing my shows,
246
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:31,683
but I knew I was not yet ready
to move out to Los Angeles
247
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:33,118
to seek fame and fortune,
248
00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:35,487
so I kept doing shows,
as many as I could.
249
00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:37,589
But I also had an unusual hobby.
250
00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:40,993
I became a licensed
helicopter pilot.
251
00:12:41,059 --> 00:12:43,228
But I built and was flying
252
00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:47,966
my own full-size,
real two-seat helicopter.
253
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,201
Now, you would think
254
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,603
that someone who was smart
enough to build and fly
255
00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:53,705
their own helicopter
could maybe pick out
256
00:12:53,772 --> 00:12:55,707
a decent pair of shorts.
257
00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:57,776
(laughter)
258
00:13:07,619 --> 00:13:10,155
Thank you. (laughs)
259
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:12,391
All I know is, thank God,
the corn was high enough
260
00:13:12,457 --> 00:13:13,925
that nobody on the freeway
could see me.
261
00:13:13,992 --> 00:13:15,794
That's all I can say.
262
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:19,097
My daughters have been horrified
by these pictures.
263
00:13:19,164 --> 00:13:21,300
They decided to help me out.
264
00:13:21,366 --> 00:13:22,901
They are Kenna, Ashlyn and Bree.
265
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,037
They are 13, 15 and 19
years of age.
266
00:13:25,103 --> 00:13:26,405
They're the light of my life.
267
00:13:26,471 --> 00:13:28,907
They decided to help me out
with my clothes.
268
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:31,610
But they decided
to dress both me and Peanut,
269
00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:33,912
and here's what they chose.
270
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,681
(laughter)
271
00:13:40,952 --> 00:13:43,955
(cheering and whistling)
272
00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:50,862
Now, as you can tell
by these photos, uh, the dummies
273
00:13:50,929 --> 00:13:53,465
have been with me
for a very long time.
274
00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:56,968
You can also tell I had
a very poor fashion sense.
275
00:13:57,035 --> 00:13:59,104
I will take most of the blame
for that.
276
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,206
There is, however,
one other person that needs
277
00:14:01,273 --> 00:14:03,709
to take some of that blame,
and that person is my mother.
278
00:14:03,775 --> 00:14:05,911
And I'll prove to you
that this is her fault,
279
00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:08,547
because she did this Christmas
what she does every Christmas
280
00:14:08,613 --> 00:14:10,282
and has for decades.
281
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:12,117
My parents are in their 80s now,
282
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:14,319
and every year what my mother
does is, she goes
283
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:15,787
to a very nice department store,
284
00:14:15,854 --> 00:14:18,557
and she picks out a Christmas
present for me and my father.
285
00:14:18,623 --> 00:14:21,460
She picks out the nicest shirt
that she can find.
286
00:14:21,526 --> 00:14:25,430
And she buys two.
287
00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:28,467
Here's what she chose
this past year.
288
00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:32,537
(laughter)
289
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:45,884
You know, I love my parents
very much,
290
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:49,454
and they have been married
for 56 years now.
291
00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:51,556
(audience cheering)
292
00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:59,865
And they are a perfect example
of how a marriage can work.
293
00:14:59,931 --> 00:15:02,134
On the other hand, I've recently
gone through something
294
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,636
that I never thought I'd go
through, never considered it,
295
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:06,605
never even thought it
a possibility.
296
00:15:06,671 --> 00:15:08,039
I'm recently divorced.
297
00:15:08,106 --> 00:15:09,508
I'm a single father now,
298
00:15:09,574 --> 00:15:11,743
but I always try and look
for the silver lining
299
00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:13,979
in the dark clouds, and one
of the silver linings
300
00:15:14,045 --> 00:15:17,849
about getting divorced is that
I got to pick out my own house
301
00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:21,019
because someone else has
the other house now.
302
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:25,023
As for my act,
there's an old guy,
303
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:28,894
who long before I got married,
warned me of the institution.
304
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,563
And now I guess he can say,
"l told you so."
305
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:33,432
Ladies and gentlemen,
306
00:15:33,498 --> 00:15:36,001
please help me welcome
my old friend Walter.
307
00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:38,103
(audience cheering)
308
00:15:50,949 --> 00:15:53,885
Holy crap, will you shut
the hell up?!
309
00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:54,886
(Jeff chuckles)
310
00:15:54,953 --> 00:15:57,856
You, too.
311
00:15:57,923 --> 00:15:58,924
Are you all right?
312
00:15:58,990 --> 00:16:00,125
- No!
- What's wrong?
313
00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:01,159
I'm pissed.
314
00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:04,129
-Why?
-I have no idea.
315
00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:05,897
Well, have you ever
thought about being happy?
316
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:07,132
-Yeah.
-What happened?
317
00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:10,702
It pissed me off.
318
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,270
What would happen
if you were happy?
319
00:16:12,337 --> 00:16:13,972
Your show would suck.
320
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:15,507
(laughter)
321
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:19,678
You know, Walter, just once
322
00:16:19,744 --> 00:16:21,580
I think you should
try being happy.
323
00:16:21,646 --> 00:16:22,781
- You're an idiot.
-(chuckles)
324
00:16:22,848 --> 00:16:24,716
See? What the hell
is wrong with you?
325
00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,852
When I call you
an idiot, and you smile,
326
00:16:26,918 --> 00:16:28,286
like I gave you cake.
327
00:16:28,353 --> 00:16:30,655
Do you want to be
in a good mood?
328
00:16:30,722 --> 00:16:34,826
Not if I'd look like a moron
like you, no, thank you.
329
00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:36,862
I've seen you walk by
perfect strangers
330
00:16:36,928 --> 00:16:38,663
and go, "Oh, hello. How are you?
331
00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:40,565
Hoo-hoo-hoo!"
332
00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:42,033
$0?
333
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:45,904
That makes mothers hide
their children from you.
334
00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:49,307
You don't think
I should be nice
to strangers?
335
00:16:49,374 --> 00:16:51,676
You know, even dogs
sniff assholes first.
336
00:16:51,743 --> 00:16:55,280
(howling with laughter)
337
00:17:03,154 --> 00:17:05,724
Maybe you should try that.
338
00:17:05,790 --> 00:17:07,459
I don't think so.
339
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,261
Actually, there are
those little idiot dogs,
340
00:17:09,327 --> 00:17:11,396
who when they see anyone,
they jump all around
341
00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:12,931
and then pee on themselves.
342
00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:16,701
You ever felt
like doing that?
343
00:17:16,768 --> 00:17:18,103
That's not gonna happen.
344
00:17:18,169 --> 00:17:19,738
Well, you might not jump
all around,
345
00:17:19,804 --> 00:17:22,274
but when you get my age,
you'll piss on yourself.
346
00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:25,577
Well, I'm just happy
to be here tonight.
347
00:17:25,644 --> 00:17:27,012
Where the hell are we?
348
00:17:27,078 --> 00:17:28,013
Richmond, Virginia.
349
00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:29,114
Oh, yeah, yeah.
350
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:31,683
(audience cheering wildly)
351
00:17:37,355 --> 00:17:39,357
(prolonged applause
and cheering)
352
00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:43,094
JEFF: See?
353
00:17:47,265 --> 00:17:49,334
Uh, just, uh, one question:
354
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,836
Why are we here?
355
00:17:51,903 --> 00:17:54,072
It's a great part
of the country.
356
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:58,143
Not in the winter. Holy crap.
357
00:17:58,209 --> 00:17:59,978
I don't know.
I hate being cold.
358
00:18:00,045 --> 00:18:02,347
I even got cold
in Vegas last week.
359
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,282
Oh, Vegas, yeah. You
took your wife there.
360
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:05,984
-Oh, yeah.
-You know, Vegas has become
361
00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:07,719
a great vacation
spot for families.
362
00:18:07,786 --> 00:18:10,021
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.
363
00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:12,290
That makes sense.
Take the family to Vegas.
364
00:18:12,357 --> 00:18:13,358
Yeah.
365
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:17,128
'Cause kids love whores.
366
00:18:17,195 --> 00:18:18,530
(laughter)
367
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:23,368
"Look, Mommy,
there's a place with poles
368
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:26,571
like where you used to work."
369
00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:28,473
(laughter)
370
00:18:30,775 --> 00:18:33,211
So, Walter, you been
doing anything fun
371
00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:34,546
since we got here?
372
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,948
Uh, yeah. What did I do today?
373
00:18:37,015 --> 00:18:38,984
-I did something fun.
-What?
374
00:18:39,050 --> 00:18:42,887
I signed up Achmed
to be an organ donor.
375
00:18:42,954 --> 00:18:45,790
Oh, that's funny
as hell right there.
376
00:18:45,857 --> 00:18:47,225
I'm getting sick of that guy.
377
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,861
- I think all this fame
is going to his head. -Why?
378
00:18:49,928 --> 00:18:52,197
He's been doing all
the typical Hollywood stuff.
379
00:18:52,263 --> 00:18:55,600
-Like what? -He's been dating
a goat half his age.
380
00:18:57,268 --> 00:19:00,038
Oh, yeah, an actual goat.
381
00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:03,675
He even got her fake teats.
382
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,345
Oh, yeah, all six of 'em.
383
00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:12,017
Walter, a goat only has two.
(chuckles)
384
00:19:16,187 --> 00:19:21,426
How sick is it that you
actually know that?
385
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,428
What, are you so lonely now,
386
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,931
you're checking out
barnyard animals?
387
00:19:26,998 --> 00:19:29,200
You know, they're
called "petting zoos,"
388
00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:32,003
not "heavy petting zoos."
389
00:19:34,773 --> 00:19:36,341
Come on. What's her name?
390
00:19:36,408 --> 00:19:38,877
-(bleating): Ma-a-argaret.
- Will you...?!
391
00:19:38,943 --> 00:19:40,612
(laughter)
392
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,354
Can we change the subject?
393
00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:52,057
Sur-u r-u re.
394
00:19:52,123 --> 00:19:53,892
I'll change the subject,
all right.
395
00:19:53,958 --> 00:19:55,527
I heard you talking
about something
396
00:19:55,593 --> 00:19:57,228
you hadn't really discussed
onstage yet.
397
00:19:57,295 --> 00:19:58,596
-Right.
-Okay.
398
00:19:58,663 --> 00:20:01,232
So you're talking
about the divorce now.
399
00:20:01,299 --> 00:20:02,367
-Yeah.
-Okay.
400
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,102
So can we talk about it?
401
00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:05,937
I already did.
402
00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:08,506
I didn't.
403
00:20:13,611 --> 00:20:18,116
How weird is it that I can make
him feel uncomfortable onstage?
404
00:20:21,052 --> 00:20:23,054
So that's it, huh?
405
00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:24,155
That's what?
406
00:20:24,222 --> 00:20:26,658
All those years
of being married,
407
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,226
and now it's over.
408
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:29,294
Yeah.
409
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,263
So, all those years
of raising the girls,
410
00:20:32,330 --> 00:20:35,200
and now the family's
broken up.
411
00:20:35,266 --> 00:20:36,234
Right.
412
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:38,603
-So, no more marriage?
-Nope.
413
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:41,106
- No more wife.
- No.
414
00:20:41,172 --> 00:20:43,475
What's it like?!
415
00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:47,045
(loud, uncontrollable laughter)
416
00:20:53,718 --> 00:20:58,189
Oh, please let me live
vicariously through you!
417
00:20:58,256 --> 00:20:59,257
(laughter)
418
00:20:59,324 --> 00:21:01,426
Walter, divorce is
not a good thing.
419
00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:04,129
Oh, you can't lie
to me, asshole.
420
00:21:06,731 --> 00:21:07,966
So what happened?
421
00:21:08,032 --> 00:21:10,068
What happened, Walter,
is that, unfortunately,
422
00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:11,302
in our country these days,
423
00:21:11,369 --> 00:21:13,772
more than 50% of marriages
now end in divorce,
424
00:21:13,838 --> 00:21:16,141
and sadly, mine was
on that side of things.
425
00:21:16,207 --> 00:21:17,909
(voice breaking):
You know, Jeff, I never thought
426
00:21:17,976 --> 00:21:20,245
I'd say this to you,
but you're my hero!
427
00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:23,948
Come on. What's it like
428
00:21:24,015 --> 00:21:27,252
to wake up in the morning
and not hate your life?
429
00:21:27,318 --> 00:21:29,220
To not think,
"Uh-oh, here she comes!"
430
00:21:29,287 --> 00:21:30,889
Ugh!
431
00:21:33,992 --> 00:21:38,229
You can leave your toilet
seat up all the time!
432
00:21:38,296 --> 00:21:41,666
I'd hot-glue mine open,
for God's sakes...
433
00:21:41,733 --> 00:21:44,369
and then shit in the backyard.
434
00:21:51,876 --> 00:21:54,846
Just because I could.
435
00:21:54,913 --> 00:21:56,815
Walter, divorce is painful.
436
00:21:56,881 --> 00:22:00,251
Oh, yeah, like
a deep-tissue massage.
437
00:22:00,318 --> 00:22:01,553
(screams)
438
00:22:01,619 --> 00:22:03,454
(sighs contentedly)
439
00:22:04,622 --> 00:22:06,558
So how long's it been?
440
00:22:06,624 --> 00:22:07,892
Almost three years now.
441
00:22:07,959 --> 00:22:10,995
Oh, okay. So, you
dating anybody now?
442
00:22:11,062 --> 00:22:12,430
Matter of fact, I am.
443
00:22:12,497 --> 00:22:14,465
Oh, good. Female?
444
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,136
Well, you never know.
445
00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:21,306
Sometimes that's the problem.
446
00:22:21,372 --> 00:22:23,308
"Honey, I got bad news
and I got good news.
447
00:22:23,374 --> 00:22:25,009
"Bad news is,
I want a divorce.
448
00:22:25,076 --> 00:22:27,745
Good news is, I'm
on your team now!"
449
00:22:27,812 --> 00:22:31,516
(audience laughs)
450
00:22:31,583 --> 00:22:34,586
Come on, let's knit, Mitch!
451
00:22:38,723 --> 00:22:41,960
So this girl you're dating,
is she the same age as you?
452
00:22:42,026 --> 00:22:44,162
- No.
- Oh. So she's older.
453
00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:45,697
- No.
-(gasps) Younger.
454
00:22:45,763 --> 00:22:47,165
-Yes.
-How much younger?
455
00:22:47,232 --> 00:22:50,268
-It doesn't matter.
-Yes, it does.
456
00:22:50,335 --> 00:22:54,239
Come on. Does she
have nice boobs?
457
00:22:54,305 --> 00:23:00,178
That don't hang down
past her knees?
458
00:23:00,245 --> 00:23:04,249
♪ Do your boobs hang low,
do they wobble to and fro'? ♪
459
00:23:07,185 --> 00:23:09,287
(audience laughs, whistles)
460
00:23:09,354 --> 00:23:11,122
♪ Can you tie 'em in a knot'? J“
461
00:23:11,189 --> 00:23:13,958
♪ Can you tie 'em in a bow? ♪
462
00:23:14,025 --> 00:23:15,827
♪ Can you throw 'em
o'er your shoulder ♪
463
00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:17,195
♪ Like a Continental soldier? ♪
464
00:23:17,262 --> 00:23:19,998
- ♪ Do your tits... ♪
- All right!
465
00:23:20,064 --> 00:23:21,633
Where do you hear
a song like that?
466
00:23:21,699 --> 00:23:23,801
I didn't hear it,
I wrote it, dumb-ass.
467
00:23:25,536 --> 00:23:27,105
Bet you never sung it
to your wife.
468
00:23:27,171 --> 00:23:28,473
Every morning!
469
00:23:28,539 --> 00:23:29,874
(wheezing laugh)
470
00:23:29,941 --> 00:23:31,809
That's not funny.
471
00:23:31,876 --> 00:23:34,612
Oh, even the dog laughs at that.
472
00:23:34,679 --> 00:23:37,482
(imitates dog howling)
473
00:23:37,548 --> 00:23:40,184
(imitates dog whining)
474
00:23:45,390 --> 00:23:47,859
-That last part was me.
-I know.
475
00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,328
Walter, you make fun
of your wife a lot.
476
00:23:50,395 --> 00:23:53,331
I know. It's funny
as hell, isn't it?
477
00:23:53,398 --> 00:23:56,801
You know, your wife is
supposed to be your soul mate.
478
00:24:00,238 --> 00:24:02,073
You want to be
the pot or the kettle?
479
00:24:02,140 --> 00:24:04,142
(sighs)
480
00:24:07,211 --> 00:24:09,614
You know, I saw an old photo
of you and your wife.
481
00:24:09,681 --> 00:24:10,949
Your wife's quite beautiful.
482
00:24:11,015 --> 00:24:14,452
You saw an old photo.
483
00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:16,220
Yeah, I'm kidding, I know.
484
00:24:16,287 --> 00:24:18,589
I married a petite,
young, beautiful thing.
485
00:24:18,656 --> 00:24:20,458
-Yeah.
-She was eventually eaten
486
00:24:20,525 --> 00:24:23,161
by the woman I live with now.
487
00:24:24,195 --> 00:24:26,831
Ha, ha, ha!
488
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:37,809
You're just flat-out saying
your wife's overweight.
489
00:24:37,875 --> 00:24:39,310
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
490
00:24:39,377 --> 00:24:41,379
She's under-tall.
491
00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:44,816
Have you ever had
a weight problem?
492
00:24:44,882 --> 00:24:47,819
- Only when she sat on me.
- Will you...?
493
00:24:47,885 --> 00:24:50,655
Ah!
494
00:24:50,722 --> 00:24:53,257
Get off of me!
495
00:24:53,324 --> 00:24:55,827
Actually, it's more like this:
496
00:24:55,893 --> 00:24:58,896
(imitating an echo)
Hello? ...0...0...o...
497
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:07,205
It's dark in here!
...here...ere...ere...
498
00:25:07,271 --> 00:25:11,109
I found your keys!
...keys...keys...keys...
499
00:25:11,175 --> 00:25:14,779
I am not kidding.
500
00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:17,048
Then she farted and
unlocked the car doors.
501
00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:23,454
What does your wife think
when you do things like this?
502
00:25:23,521 --> 00:25:25,256
I don't care.
503
00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:27,125
Well, I know you care
enough about your wife
504
00:25:27,191 --> 00:25:29,327
to take her on some of
these trips. -Oh, yeah.
505
00:25:29,394 --> 00:25:30,795
Yeah, she loves
going on these trips.
506
00:25:30,862 --> 00:25:32,296
I know she loves
window shopping.
507
00:25:32,363 --> 00:25:34,298
Not in Amsterdam, she didn't.
508
00:25:34,365 --> 00:25:36,868
(cackles)
509
00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:40,204
Ha! Because in Amsterdam,
510
00:25:40,271 --> 00:25:43,841
there's hookers in the windows!
511
00:25:43,908 --> 00:25:46,310
I love that city. Did you
know that in Amsterdam,
512
00:25:46,377 --> 00:25:49,147
you can legally
purchase marijuana?
513
00:25:49,213 --> 00:25:50,982
I, uh... yeah...
514
00:25:51,049 --> 00:25:52,483
I did know that.
515
00:25:52,550 --> 00:25:54,152
- Do you know where?
- Coffeehouses.
516
00:25:54,218 --> 00:25:56,154
Coffeehouses!
517
00:25:56,220 --> 00:25:59,223
It's my favorite
coffee place ever!
518
00:26:00,224 --> 00:26:02,560
I'd like a latte and a doobie.
519
00:26:06,164 --> 00:26:09,167
And 19 dozen donuts,
thank you.
520
00:26:09,233 --> 00:26:11,169
(laughter)
521
00:26:11,235 --> 00:26:13,237
(applause)
522
00:26:15,206 --> 00:26:18,476
I know you liked Australia.
523
00:26:18,543 --> 00:26:20,111
Oh, I learned a new word
in Australia.
524
00:26:20,178 --> 00:26:21,779
Crickey!
525
00:26:21,846 --> 00:26:24,782
It means, "Oh, shit!"
526
00:26:24,849 --> 00:26:26,784
You know, Walter, I happen
to know the word "crickey"
527
00:26:26,851 --> 00:26:28,719
is actually derived
from the word "Christ."
528
00:26:28,786 --> 00:26:29,720
Oh.
529
00:26:29,787 --> 00:26:33,524
So it means "holy shit."
530
00:26:36,527 --> 00:26:37,462
Am I going to hell?
531
00:26:37,528 --> 00:26:39,130
-Probably.
-Hell.
532
00:26:39,197 --> 00:26:41,966
Well, tomorrow we are driving
through West Virginia,
533
00:26:42,033 --> 00:26:43,134
so what the hell?
534
00:26:43,201 --> 00:26:45,570
(audience roars with laughter)
535
00:26:55,046 --> 00:26:57,181
Why did you do that?
536
00:26:57,248 --> 00:26:59,517
I don't care, I'm going
home in a suitcase.
537
00:26:59,584 --> 00:27:01,119
(laughs)
538
00:27:01,185 --> 00:27:04,288
Did you tell 'em about
our shows in South Africa'?
539
00:27:04,355 --> 00:27:05,590
-Yes, I did.
-Yeah.
540
00:27:05,656 --> 00:27:07,425
-How many shows did we do there?
-Nine.
541
00:27:07,492 --> 00:27:09,227
How many folks were
in the audiences?
542
00:27:09,293 --> 00:27:11,095
Each audience? About five
or six thousand people.
543
00:27:11,162 --> 00:27:13,331
-That's what threw me off.
-The number of people?
544
00:27:13,397 --> 00:27:18,102
- No, the people that were
in the audiences. -What?
545
00:27:18,169 --> 00:27:20,438
Well, everybody in
the audience in South Africa,
546
00:27:20,505 --> 00:27:23,107
they were all,
you know, uh... white.
547
00:27:25,510 --> 00:27:27,612
-So?
-What do you mean, so?
548
00:27:27,678 --> 00:27:31,115
We were in Africa, you moron.
549
00:27:31,182 --> 00:27:35,153
Haven't you ever looked
at National Geographic?
550
00:27:35,219 --> 00:27:38,956
I thought everybody there was,
uh, you know... the opposite.
551
00:27:39,023 --> 00:27:41,259
And then I'd look out
in the crowd and I'd think,
552
00:27:41,325 --> 00:27:44,028
"Well, where the hell
are all the flies?"
553
00:27:44,095 --> 00:27:51,802
Oh! Like you haven't seen
the same commercials I have!
554
00:27:51,869 --> 00:27:54,605
Everybody looked healthy!
555
00:27:54,672 --> 00:27:55,840
I'm sitting there thinking,
556
00:27:55,907 --> 00:27:59,810
well, that "We Are the World"
thing really worked out!
557
00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:04,415
You're welcome!
558
00:28:04,482 --> 00:28:06,751
Hell, the way our
economy is here now,
559
00:28:06,817 --> 00:28:09,820
they should be sending us
back some of that money.
560
00:28:13,691 --> 00:28:15,760
Okay, Walter, uh,
a couple of things.
561
00:28:15,826 --> 00:28:18,062
First of all, the area of
South Africa we were in,
562
00:28:18,129 --> 00:28:20,665
yes, the population was
predominately white.
563
00:28:20,731 --> 00:28:22,233
Oh, duh.
564
00:28:23,834 --> 00:28:26,804
And as for the extreme poverty,
yes, there's a lot of that
565
00:28:26,871 --> 00:28:29,473
in many areas in South Africa,
as well as many other nations
566
00:28:29,540 --> 00:28:31,642
in Africa; it's a
very sad thing.
567
00:28:31,709 --> 00:28:33,444
Uh, there's aid
being sent every day...
568
00:28:33,511 --> 00:28:37,114
Will you calm down?
What are you, Bono, now?
569
00:28:37,181 --> 00:28:40,117
I'm just saying, it's a great
concern, it's very sad,
570
00:28:40,184 --> 00:28:41,786
it's being taken care of,
they're being helped.
571
00:28:41,852 --> 00:28:43,187
Okay, okay, Okay-
572
00:28:43,254 --> 00:28:44,188
The housing is awful...
573
00:28:44,255 --> 00:28:45,790
Ooh, can we talk
about the housing?
574
00:28:45,856 --> 00:28:47,124
- No.
- Okay, listen up.
575
00:28:47,191 --> 00:28:48,259
Wait a minute.
576
00:28:48,326 --> 00:28:51,796
-In the poorest areas...
-We, we went there.
577
00:28:51,862 --> 00:28:54,031
Yeah, we visited them.
I'm not making any jokes,
578
00:28:54,098 --> 00:28:56,133
I'm just passing on information.
579
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,203
In the poorest areas, their
houses-- I'm not kidding-
580
00:28:59,270 --> 00:29:02,406
were all built out of poo.
581
00:29:04,308 --> 00:29:05,743
Cow dung.
582
00:29:05,810 --> 00:29:08,412
Shit.
583
00:29:12,450 --> 00:29:16,754
Aw, come on, their houses
are built out of shit!
584
00:29:16,821 --> 00:29:19,624
Who the hell made
that decision?
585
00:29:19,690 --> 00:29:24,695
Couple of guys sitting around
one day, Mtoomba and Chuck.
586
00:29:27,665 --> 00:29:28,766
"Chuck"?
587
00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:31,902
I don't know any
African names, do you?
588
00:29:31,969 --> 00:29:35,072
So Mtoomba and Chuck are
sitting there one day,
589
00:29:35,139 --> 00:29:37,441
and Mtoomba says, "Hey Chuck,
we're going to build a house."
590
00:29:37,508 --> 00:29:38,909
'Course they weren't
talking in English,
591
00:29:38,976 --> 00:29:40,511
-it was some African language.
-Sure.
592
00:29:40,578 --> 00:29:43,948
Yeah. Probably one of those
where they click and stuff.
593
00:29:44,015 --> 00:29:46,717
(clicking tongue)
594
00:29:51,355 --> 00:29:53,357
(hissing, clicking)
595
00:29:55,092 --> 00:29:57,795
-That was Mtoomba.
-Oh.
596
00:29:57,862 --> 00:29:59,130
What did he say?
597
00:29:59,196 --> 00:30:02,233
"Hey, Chuck, we're
gonna build a house!"
598
00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:03,301
(clicking)
599
00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:06,570
-Was that Chuck?
-Yeah.
600
00:30:06,637 --> 00:30:07,905
All right. What did he say?
601
00:30:07,972 --> 00:30:11,242
"Okey-dokey."
602
00:30:11,309 --> 00:30:13,678
And then he said, "What the hell
we gonna build 'em out of?"
603
00:30:13,744 --> 00:30:14,912
And the other said,
"| don't know.
604
00:30:14,979 --> 00:30:17,748
Well, do we have any materials
just laying around?"
605
00:30:17,815 --> 00:30:18,749
"Hmm...
606
00:30:18,816 --> 00:30:19,250
(gasps)
607
00:30:19,317 --> 00:30:21,452
We can use shit!"
608
00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:23,120
(laughter)
609
00:30:23,187 --> 00:30:27,458
So that's what they
decided to do.
610
00:30:27,525 --> 00:30:29,226
But that's not the weird part.
611
00:30:29,293 --> 00:30:30,227
What's the weird part?
612
00:30:30,294 --> 00:30:32,963
All the women said, "Okay."
613
00:30:34,699 --> 00:30:37,768
Oh, come on. They built
their houses out of poo.
614
00:30:37,835 --> 00:30:42,840
It's like the fourth little pig
that no one talks about.
615
00:30:45,843 --> 00:30:48,112
"This little pig built
his house out of bricks,
616
00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:50,748
"this one out of sticks,
and this one out of straw,
617
00:30:50,815 --> 00:30:56,454
but the fourth little pig
built his house out of poo-poo!"
618
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,923
Yeah. Disney never
told you about him.
619
00:31:00,524 --> 00:31:03,227
"And the Big Bad Wolf said,
I'll huff and I'll puff
620
00:31:03,294 --> 00:31:08,065
and I'll... Oh, my God!"
621
00:31:11,102 --> 00:31:13,738
"l got shit in my nose!"
622
00:31:13,804 --> 00:31:16,941
(laughter)
623
00:31:17,007 --> 00:31:21,412
"What is this, a caca casa?
624
00:31:21,479 --> 00:31:23,914
"Some kind of crap cottage?
625
00:31:23,981 --> 00:31:26,450
"No, it's a poo palace!
626
00:31:26,517 --> 00:31:29,086
"It's a doo-doo dwelling!
627
00:31:29,153 --> 00:31:31,756
"It's a fart fort, I tell ya."
628
00:31:31,822 --> 00:31:35,826
And she lives in a shit shack.
629
00:31:40,831 --> 00:31:43,467
(audience cheering, applauding)
630
00:31:51,809 --> 00:31:54,044
You wake up in the middle
of the night and go,
631
00:31:54,111 --> 00:31:56,447
(sniffs) "What's that smell?
632
00:31:56,514 --> 00:32:00,284
Oh, it's the Wall."
633
00:32:00,351 --> 00:32:04,221
Before you go inside, do you
have to take off your shoes?
634
00:32:04,288 --> 00:32:07,057
When you drop food, is there
a three-second rule?
635
00:32:07,124 --> 00:32:09,126
I don't...
636
00:32:12,129 --> 00:32:15,132
It's raining! Run!
637
00:32:21,505 --> 00:32:24,074
Not long after that,
we went a little bit north,
638
00:32:24,141 --> 00:32:26,444
-and went into Europe and the
UK. You enjoyed it there. -Yeah.
639
00:32:26,510 --> 00:32:27,912
Did you like the
city of London?
640
00:32:27,978 --> 00:32:30,047
I don't know,
I got confused one day
641
00:32:30,114 --> 00:32:31,949
-standing in our hotel lobby.
-Why?
642
00:32:32,016 --> 00:32:33,918
Some big old black guy
walked in to me
643
00:32:33,984 --> 00:32:36,086
and started speaking English
with a British accent.
644
00:32:36,153 --> 00:32:39,423
I thought I was in
the Twilight Zone.
645
00:32:39,490 --> 00:32:42,092
I swear, some big old black guy
walks up to me and goes,
646
00:32:42,159 --> 00:32:45,963
(posh British accent):
"Oh, good afternoon, sir!"
647
00:32:46,030 --> 00:32:49,667
I'm like, who the hell is making
you talk? What the hell?
648
00:32:57,508 --> 00:32:59,310
And then I didn't know
what to call him.
649
00:32:59,376 --> 00:33:00,878
He wasn't an African American.
650
00:33:04,114 --> 00:33:07,384
Yeah, didn't think
of that, did you?
651
00:33:07,451 --> 00:33:09,587
What is he, African English?
652
00:33:09,653 --> 00:33:12,723
Why can't we just go back
to using the word "black,"
653
00:33:12,790 --> 00:33:14,391
it was so much easier!
654
00:33:14,458 --> 00:33:17,728
I have a black dog,
not an African retriever!
655
00:33:17,795 --> 00:33:19,797
(laughter)
656
00:33:26,770 --> 00:33:28,906
Then we went to Ireland.
657
00:33:28,973 --> 00:33:30,508
-I got all confused there.
-Why?
658
00:33:30,574 --> 00:33:32,343
Everybody's last name
starts with
659
00:33:32,409 --> 00:33:33,777
O'Malley, O'Shea.
660
00:33:33,844 --> 00:33:35,913
- I think I know a black Irish
guy. -Who's that?
661
00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:37,515
O'Bama.
662
00:33:37,581 --> 00:33:39,683
(laughter)
663
00:33:45,556 --> 00:33:47,324
I don't think Obama's Irish.
664
00:33:47,391 --> 00:33:49,727
Maybe he's half-Irish,
half-African American.
665
00:33:49,793 --> 00:33:51,161
I can't wait to meet him.
666
00:33:51,228 --> 00:33:52,663
I'm going to walk up and go,
667
00:33:52,730 --> 00:33:55,132
"Hey, top of the morning
to you there, dawg."
668
00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:58,102
(laughter)
669
00:33:58,168 --> 00:34:01,338
"How's your health care
hangin’, yo-yo?"
670
00:34:02,973 --> 00:34:06,477
"Hey, that last election
was a bee-yotch."
671
00:34:06,544 --> 00:34:09,079
-Say good night, Walter.
-Thank you.
672
00:34:09,146 --> 00:34:10,781
That's Walter. There we go.
673
00:34:10,848 --> 00:34:13,117
(cheering and applause)
674
00:34:19,156 --> 00:34:20,558
(whistling, cheering
and applause)
675
00:34:20,624 --> 00:34:22,593
Thank you.
676
00:34:27,665 --> 00:34:29,967
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
677
00:34:30,034 --> 00:34:32,202
there is a terrorist
amongst us.
678
00:34:32,269 --> 00:34:34,939
(cheering and whistling)
679
00:34:40,544 --> 00:34:42,947
And I don't know
how it's gotten to the point
680
00:34:43,013 --> 00:34:45,683
that I can actually give this
introduction, but here it is.
681
00:34:45,749 --> 00:34:46,951
Please help me welcome
682
00:34:47,017 --> 00:34:49,019
the most beloved terrorist
throughout the world--
683
00:34:49,086 --> 00:34:50,821
Achmed the dead terrorist.
684
00:34:50,888 --> 00:34:52,890
(cheering and applause)
685
00:35:03,767 --> 00:35:05,769
(evil laughter)
686
00:35:07,304 --> 00:35:11,075
Greetings, infidels!
687
00:35:11,141 --> 00:35:13,077
(cheering and whistling)
688
00:35:13,143 --> 00:35:15,946
It's good to see you, Achmed.
689
00:35:16,013 --> 00:35:19,783
Ooh, it's good to see you,
too, infidel number one.
690
00:35:19,850 --> 00:35:21,085
So you know where we are?
691
00:35:21,151 --> 00:35:22,686
Yes, South Africa.
692
00:35:22,753 --> 00:35:24,722
(laughter)
693
00:35:27,725 --> 00:35:30,761
No?
694
00:35:30,828 --> 00:35:34,865
But Walter said if they're
all white, it's South Africa.
695
00:35:34,932 --> 00:35:38,035
(laughter)
696
00:35:38,102 --> 00:35:39,703
No. We're-we're back
in the United States.
697
00:35:39,770 --> 00:35:41,505
(gasps)
698
00:35:41,572 --> 00:35:44,241
Are they pissed?
699
00:35:44,308 --> 00:35:46,510
About what in particular?
700
00:35:46,577 --> 00:35:48,679
Well, you know,
I kind of look like, uh...
701
00:35:48,746 --> 00:35:51,048
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, a cab driver.
702
00:35:51,115 --> 00:35:53,484
(laughter)
703
00:35:53,550 --> 00:35:54,918
No, I think you're fine.
704
00:35:54,985 --> 00:35:56,587
And for the folks who
might not know, Achmed,
705
00:35:56,654 --> 00:35:58,522
you are a suicide bomber.
706
00:35:58,589 --> 00:35:59,990
Yes, I am.
707
00:36:00,057 --> 00:36:03,360
Don't stand too close.
708
00:36:03,427 --> 00:36:06,163
(evil laughter)
709
00:36:06,230 --> 00:36:08,432
And I think a lot of us
might like to know
710
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:10,601
how you feel about
the death of Osama.
711
00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:12,302
(gasps) I didn't do it.
712
00:36:12,369 --> 00:36:13,937
(laughter)
713
00:36:14,004 --> 00:36:16,707
I didn't say you did.
714
00:36:16,774 --> 00:36:18,909
Oh, right. Yeah, uh-huh.
715
00:36:18,976 --> 00:36:20,544
(laughing):
All right, yeah, yeah.
716
00:36:20,611 --> 00:36:21,879
Wait a minute.
717
00:36:21,945 --> 00:36:23,747
Did you have something
to do with it'?
718
00:36:23,814 --> 00:36:24,748
Yeah“.No!
719
00:36:24,815 --> 00:36:26,884
Yes... No, no, no... no!
720
00:36:26,950 --> 00:36:29,920
That Navy SEAL training
was just for laughs.
721
00:36:29,987 --> 00:36:31,789
(giggling)
722
00:36:31,855 --> 00:36:34,124
Wait a minute, you
trained as a Navy SEAL?
723
00:36:34,191 --> 00:36:35,492
No... Ye... No! No!
724
00:36:35,559 --> 00:36:36,927
How did you know?
725
00:36:36,994 --> 00:36:38,529
Who said anything
about Navy SEALS?
726
00:36:38,595 --> 00:36:40,097
I'm just a simple
little terrorist.
727
00:36:40,164 --> 00:36:42,800
Stop interrogating me!
Damn it, you're good at this!
728
00:36:42,866 --> 00:36:44,301
(laughter)
729
00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:45,969
You're not going to tell
anyone, right?
730
00:36:46,036 --> 00:36:47,838
Tell them what?
731
00:36:47,905 --> 00:36:50,174
Oh, thank you.
732
00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:53,110
I will tell you what
I do know, though.
733
00:36:53,177 --> 00:36:54,378
What's that?
734
00:36:54,445 --> 00:36:55,679
When Bin Laden died,
735
00:36:55,746 --> 00:36:59,917
there were no 72 virgins
waiting for him.
736
00:36:59,983 --> 00:37:02,686
(laughter and applause)
737
00:37:09,460 --> 00:37:11,228
No?
738
00:37:11,295 --> 00:37:14,832
No. It was some kind
of misunderstanding.
739
00:37:14,898 --> 00:37:18,769
Turned out, it was one
72-year-old virgin.
740
00:37:18,836 --> 00:37:21,405
(laughter)
741
00:37:21,472 --> 00:37:25,642
Osama is stuck forever
with Bea Arthur.
742
00:37:25,709 --> 00:37:27,711
(laughter)
743
00:37:28,946 --> 00:37:32,916
And Osama and I agree that
that 72 virgin thing
744
00:37:32,983 --> 00:37:34,418
is highly overrated.
745
00:37:34,485 --> 00:37:35,753
How's that?
746
00:37:35,819 --> 00:37:37,554
Who wants to hear this 72 times?
747
00:37:37,621 --> 00:37:41,058
"Ooh, ow, oh! Boo-hoo-hoo!
748
00:37:42,659 --> 00:37:44,762
You're gonna call me, right?"
749
00:37:44,828 --> 00:37:46,830
(laughter)
750
00:37:49,867 --> 00:37:51,301
Wait a minute.
751
00:37:51,368 --> 00:37:52,870
Wait a minute. You
communicate with Osama?
752
00:37:52,936 --> 00:37:54,338
-Of course.
-How?
753
00:37:54,404 --> 00:37:56,373
On Face-Shot-Off-Book.
754
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:58,308
(laughter)
755
00:38:02,346 --> 00:38:04,515
So...
756
00:38:04,581 --> 00:38:06,583
(cheering, applause
and whistling)
757
00:38:08,118 --> 00:38:11,021
So, where...
where exactly is he?
758
00:38:11,088 --> 00:38:13,357
Well, he won't say, but
I'm pretty sure it's Hell.
759
00:38:13,423 --> 00:38:16,026
Why d0 you say that?
760
00:38:16,093 --> 00:38:19,096
Well, they get cable,
but they only get one channel.
761
00:38:19,163 --> 00:38:23,100
-What?
-The Oprah Winfrey Network.
762
00:38:23,167 --> 00:38:25,636
Wait a minute.
763
00:38:25,702 --> 00:38:27,871
(laughter and applause)
764
00:38:27,938 --> 00:38:30,474
Come on, Achmed, a lot of people
765
00:38:30,541 --> 00:38:31,875
love Oprah.
766
00:38:31,942 --> 00:38:33,710
Were you ever on her show?
767
00:38:33,777 --> 00:38:37,848
- No.
- She doesn't love you.
768
00:38:37,915 --> 00:38:39,650
And also I know why
769
00:38:39,716 --> 00:38:42,920
they would not show
the photo of dead Osama.
770
00:38:42,986 --> 00:38:44,221
Why is that?
771
00:38:44,288 --> 00:38:45,689
It's a little hard to explain,
772
00:38:45,756 --> 00:38:48,392
but when he was killed,
he was dressed up like Cher.
773
00:38:48,458 --> 00:38:50,260
(laughter)
774
00:38:51,261 --> 00:38:52,830
Well, since he's dead,
775
00:38:52,896 --> 00:38:54,965
do you think they're going
to come after you now?
776
00:38:55,032 --> 00:38:56,166
(laughing)
777
00:38:56,233 --> 00:38:57,801
Wait, what?
778
00:38:57,868 --> 00:39:00,370
Well, you're a terrorist.
779
00:39:00,437 --> 00:39:02,573
Yeah, but I suck at it.
780
00:39:02,639 --> 00:39:04,875
You know, the military
has the deck of cards
781
00:39:04,942 --> 00:39:07,811
of the 52
most wanted terrorists.
782
00:39:07,878 --> 00:39:09,112
Are you one of those?
783
00:39:09,179 --> 00:39:12,216
Yeah, but I'm in
the Go-Fish deck.
784
00:39:12,282 --> 00:39:13,584
(laughter)
785
00:39:13,650 --> 00:39:16,220
Well, what did you think
about them burying him at sea?
786
00:39:16,286 --> 00:39:17,621
I think it's cool
787
00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:19,690
that he could end up anywhere.
788
00:39:19,756 --> 00:39:21,024
What do you mean?
789
00:39:21,091 --> 00:39:24,061
That is one episode
of SpongeBob I got to see.
790
00:39:24,127 --> 00:39:25,629
(laughter)
791
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:27,297
(cackling)
792
00:39:27,364 --> 00:39:30,834
I wrote that. I keel me.
793
00:39:30,901 --> 00:39:33,537
Achmed, since you're
clearly a terrorist,
794
00:39:33,604 --> 00:39:34,805
are you Muslim?
795
00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:36,907
No. Scientologist.
796
00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:39,977
(laughter)
797
00:39:40,043 --> 00:39:41,478
But you used to be Muslim?
798
00:39:41,545 --> 00:39:43,380
No. Look at me.
799
00:39:43,447 --> 00:39:44,915
I'm too extreme.
800
00:39:44,982 --> 00:39:47,517
I was Catholic.
801
00:39:47,584 --> 00:39:48,919
(laughter)
802
00:39:48,986 --> 00:39:50,087
Really?
803
00:39:50,153 --> 00:39:51,922
-And Methodist...
-What?
804
00:39:51,989 --> 00:39:53,090
-Buddhist...
-What?
805
00:39:53,156 --> 00:39:54,491
-And Baptist...
-What?
806
00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:56,560
-And Capricorn.
-Wait a minute.
807
00:39:56,627 --> 00:39:57,895
What are you doing?
808
00:39:57,961 --> 00:40:00,931
I'm trying to offend
as many infidels as possible.
809
00:40:00,998 --> 00:40:02,966
(evil laughter)
810
00:40:03,033 --> 00:40:04,968
And speaking of offending,
811
00:40:05,035 --> 00:40:08,038
do you know what that
idiot Peanut did to me?
812
00:40:08,105 --> 00:40:09,373
What?
813
00:40:09,439 --> 00:40:11,174
He stole my ShamW0w.
814
00:40:11,241 --> 00:40:12,809
(laughter)
815
00:40:12,876 --> 00:40:15,846
It's not funny!
816
00:40:15,913 --> 00:40:18,482
Silence!
817
00:40:18,548 --> 00:40:21,184
(laughter)
818
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:24,655
Wait for it.
819
00:40:24,721 --> 00:40:26,924
(uproarious laughter)
820
00:40:26,990 --> 00:40:28,992
(cheering)
821
00:40:32,062 --> 00:40:34,164
l keel you!
822
00:40:34,231 --> 00:40:38,068
(cheering and applause)
823
00:40:40,037 --> 00:40:42,406
That's fantastic.
824
00:40:42,472 --> 00:40:45,175
Let's do it together.
One, two, three...
825
00:40:45,242 --> 00:40:47,544
ALL: I keel you!
826
00:40:47,611 --> 00:40:49,212
They're talking to you.
827
00:40:49,279 --> 00:40:50,814
(laughter)
828
00:40:50,881 --> 00:40:52,849
So, Achmed, are you
enjoying Richmond?
829
00:40:52,916 --> 00:40:54,985
Oh, I love the nightlife here.
830
00:40:55,052 --> 00:40:56,586
Uh, what part of
the nightlife?
831
00:40:56,653 --> 00:40:59,756
They have live sex shows.
832
00:40:59,823 --> 00:41:02,059
Really? Where?
833
00:41:02,125 --> 00:41:04,628
In the hotel room
right next to mine.
834
00:41:04,695 --> 00:41:06,396
(laughter)
835
00:41:15,739 --> 00:41:17,874
(laughter)
836
00:41:17,941 --> 00:41:19,776
What?
837
00:41:19,843 --> 00:41:21,545
That's my room.
838
00:41:29,353 --> 00:41:31,355
(cheering and whistling)
839
00:41:38,328 --> 00:41:41,531
Next time you should
get a partner.
840
00:41:41,598 --> 00:41:44,401
(laughter)
841
00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:49,506
Can we talk about
something else?
842
00:41:49,573 --> 00:41:50,707
I'm trying to throw up,
843
00:41:50,774 --> 00:41:52,676
but I don't have a stomach.
844
00:41:52,743 --> 00:41:54,244
(laughter)
845
00:41:54,311 --> 00:41:55,879
So, look, Walter and I
846
00:41:55,946 --> 00:41:57,547
were talking earlier,
847
00:41:57,614 --> 00:42:00,217
and you've gotten pretty famous
now, lately, haven't you?
848
00:42:00,283 --> 00:42:01,451
Oh, yes.
849
00:42:01,518 --> 00:42:02,753
And I think very soon,
850
00:42:02,819 --> 00:42:04,688
I'm going to need my own posse.
851
00:42:05,689 --> 00:42:08,258
That's with an "O."
852
00:42:08,325 --> 00:42:11,128
(laughter)
853
00:42:13,764 --> 00:42:16,299
Po-o-o-sse.
854
00:42:16,366 --> 00:42:20,237
P-P-00...
855
00:42:20,303 --> 00:42:22,239
. .0539 .
856
00:42:22,305 --> 00:42:24,975
Posse.
857
00:42:25,042 --> 00:42:26,977
Why are you explaining that?
858
00:42:27,044 --> 00:42:30,047
In Amsterdam, they thought
I said something else.
859
00:42:30,113 --> 00:42:32,516
(laughter)
860
00:42:32,582 --> 00:42:36,286
I don't even like cats.
861
00:42:36,353 --> 00:42:38,355
(laughter and applause)
862
00:42:41,191 --> 00:42:44,327
P-P-o... P-P-o...
863
00:42:44,394 --> 00:42:46,096
P-P-0...
864
00:42:46,163 --> 00:42:48,899
P-P-P-o...
865
00:42:48,965 --> 00:42:51,301
P-P...
866
00:42:51,368 --> 00:42:54,004
P-P-0...
867
00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:56,406
P-P-P...
868
00:42:58,575 --> 00:43:01,011
How am I doing that
with no lips?
869
00:43:01,078 --> 00:43:03,313
(laughter)
870
00:43:03,380 --> 00:43:06,883
(cheering and applause)
871
00:43:12,556 --> 00:43:14,424
That's what she said.
872
00:43:14,491 --> 00:43:16,660
-(cackling)
_(laughter)
873
00:43:24,367 --> 00:43:27,537
I can't believe you did that.
874
00:43:27,604 --> 00:43:29,840
That's what she said.
875
00:43:29,906 --> 00:43:31,908
(laughter)
876
00:43:31,975 --> 00:43:33,343
Will you stop it?
877
00:43:33,410 --> 00:43:35,078
That's what she said!
878
00:43:35,145 --> 00:43:36,947
I don't like this.
879
00:43:37,013 --> 00:43:38,348
(squealing):
That's what she said!
880
00:43:38,415 --> 00:43:40,517
(laughter)
881
00:43:47,157 --> 00:43:48,425
How long is this?
882
00:43:48,492 --> 00:43:50,527
(high-pitched squealing):
That's what she said!
883
00:43:50,594 --> 00:43:54,264
(loud laughter and applause)
884
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:12,682
Think about it.
885
00:44:16,987 --> 00:44:19,589
So you were talking
to Walter earlier?
886
00:44:21,958 --> 00:44:24,227
Damn it!
887
00:44:24,294 --> 00:44:26,396
Yes, and I said,
888
00:44:26,463 --> 00:44:30,734
"I'm going to call
you my bee-yotch."
889
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:33,370
That means "bitch."
890
00:44:33,436 --> 00:44:34,371
I know that.
891
00:44:34,437 --> 00:44:35,405
I'm sorry.
892
00:44:35,472 --> 00:44:37,507
I'd been watching
Pimp My Camel.
893
00:44:39,209 --> 00:44:41,778
You do seem like you've been
in a pretty good mood lately.
894
00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:42,879
- Do you know why?
- No.
895
00:44:42,946 --> 00:44:44,648
Because like Santa Claus,
896
00:44:44,714 --> 00:44:47,117
I have been making
a list of people
897
00:44:47,184 --> 00:44:49,286
to kill twice.
898
00:44:49,352 --> 00:44:50,654
Santa doesn't kill people.
899
00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:54,257
He does if he's Terror Claus.
900
00:44:54,324 --> 00:44:55,992
Terror Claus?
I've never heard of him.
901
00:44:56,059 --> 00:44:58,328
♪ Ch...
902
00:44:58,395 --> 00:45:02,999
♪ He kills you
when you're sleeping ♪
903
00:45:04,367 --> 00:45:07,537
♪ He chokes you when you wake ♪
904
00:45:07,604 --> 00:45:10,507
♪ He knows if you are Catholic
or Jew ♪
905
00:45:10,574 --> 00:45:13,310
♪ So denounce
your infidel faith. ♪
906
00:45:13,376 --> 00:45:15,378
(laughter and cheers)
907
00:45:23,253 --> 00:45:24,454
That's terrible.
908
00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:26,623
But catchy!
909
00:45:26,690 --> 00:45:28,858
Have you heard
of the Terror Bunny?
910
00:45:28,925 --> 00:45:31,328
- No.
- He hides Easter bombs.
911
00:45:31,394 --> 00:45:35,565
Look, Mommy.
(mimics explosion)
912
00:45:37,667 --> 00:45:39,169
That's even worse.
913
00:45:39,236 --> 00:45:42,138
I know. Thank you for noticing.
914
00:45:42,205 --> 00:45:44,274
What do you want,
more stinking knock-knock jokes?
915
00:45:44,341 --> 00:45:45,408
That might be better.
916
00:45:45,475 --> 00:45:46,743
-Okay. Knock-knock.
-Who's there?
917
00:45:46,810 --> 00:45:48,245
Me. I keel you again.
918
00:45:48,311 --> 00:45:49,746
(laughs)
919
00:45:49,813 --> 00:45:51,114
You're such an idiot.
920
00:45:51,181 --> 00:45:53,617
You keep answering the door!
921
00:45:53,683 --> 00:45:54,651
Where I am from,
922
00:45:54,718 --> 00:45:56,219
the game we teach
our children is,
923
00:45:56,286 --> 00:45:57,420
when someone says,
"Knock-knock,"
924
00:45:57,487 --> 00:46:00,023
you shut the fuck up and hide.
925
00:46:04,661 --> 00:46:07,764
So, Achmed, did your
parents have much
926
00:46:07,831 --> 00:46:09,332
to do with what you do now?
927
00:46:09,399 --> 00:46:10,533
Well, uh, I guess so.
928
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,369
My father was
a suicide bomber.
929
00:46:12,435 --> 00:46:14,170
Oh, so you guys are a lot alike?
930
00:46:14,237 --> 00:46:15,872
Well, I have his eyes.
931
00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:20,710
In a box.
932
00:46:20,777 --> 00:46:23,446
And I like to hide them
wherever Walter is sleeping.
933
00:46:23,513 --> 00:46:24,814
That way, when he wakes up,
934
00:46:24,881 --> 00:46:26,283
it scares the crap out of him.
935
00:46:26,349 --> 00:46:28,618
WALTER (distant):
You son of a bitch,
936
00:46:28,685 --> 00:46:31,488
I'll kick your ass right now!
937
00:46:31,554 --> 00:46:33,556
(applause and cheering)
938
00:46:38,928 --> 00:46:41,598
ls that case locked
from the outside?
939
00:46:41,665 --> 00:46:42,799
Yeah. Why?
940
00:46:42,866 --> 00:46:45,368
'Cause he still scares
the crap out of me!
941
00:46:45,435 --> 00:46:46,569
So, Achmed, do you have
942
00:46:46,636 --> 00:46:48,171
any good memories
of your father?
943
00:46:48,238 --> 00:46:49,673
Uh, for my eighth birthday,
944
00:46:49,739 --> 00:46:51,641
-he got me a puppy.
-That's good.
945
00:46:51,708 --> 00:46:54,110
-No, it turned into a disaster.
-Why?
946
00:46:54,177 --> 00:46:56,246
Because sometimes my father was
947
00:46:56,313 --> 00:46:57,247
a very confused man,
948
00:46:57,314 --> 00:46:58,848
and that day my mother told him
949
00:46:58,915 --> 00:47:01,284
-to go out and blow up
some party balloons. -Yeah?
950
00:47:01,351 --> 00:47:06,256
(sadly): And that's how I
got a dog with no legs.
951
00:47:06,323 --> 00:47:08,091
You had a dog with no legs?
952
00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:09,259
Yeah, he was great.
953
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:10,760
I had him
for many years.
954
00:47:10,827 --> 00:47:12,862
Oh. So what'd you call him?
955
00:47:16,533 --> 00:47:18,902
Seriously?
956
00:47:21,371 --> 00:47:23,773
Seriously.
957
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:24,808
What?
958
00:47:24,874 --> 00:47:27,243
I had a dog with no legs.
959
00:47:28,812 --> 00:47:31,581
What did you call him?
960
00:47:33,216 --> 00:47:35,785
Seriously?
961
00:47:37,420 --> 00:47:38,688
Okay, you're a comedian, right?
962
00:47:38,755 --> 00:47:39,956
Yeah.
963
00:47:40,023 --> 00:47:42,292
I had a dog
964
00:47:42,359 --> 00:47:44,961
with no legs.
965
00:47:46,029 --> 00:47:49,766
(sinisterly): Ask me again.
966
00:48:05,281 --> 00:48:06,816
What'd you call him?
967
00:48:06,883 --> 00:48:11,554
I didn't call him anything
because he could never come.
968
00:48:11,621 --> 00:48:15,225
It's not funny!
969
00:48:16,793 --> 00:48:19,863
Achmed, that's, that's, like,
the oldest joke ever.
970
00:48:19,929 --> 00:48:23,166
(voice breaking): Yes, but
in my case, it was true.
971
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:24,901
AUDIENCE: AW...
972
00:48:24,968 --> 00:48:27,704
Thanks.
973
00:48:27,771 --> 00:48:31,007
Could he do any tricks?
974
00:48:41,384 --> 00:48:44,888
He could roll over.
975
00:48:44,954 --> 00:48:48,224
It's not funny because if there
is any kind of an incline,
976
00:48:48,291 --> 00:48:51,127
he couldn't stop himself!
977
00:48:51,194 --> 00:48:53,696
He looked like a runaway
can of pinto beans
978
00:48:53,763 --> 00:48:55,899
rolling down a hill.
979
00:48:55,965 --> 00:48:59,669
It was the only time I ever
saw a cat actually laugh.
980
00:48:59,736 --> 00:49:01,404
Meow. (hiccups)
981
00:49:01,471 --> 00:49:02,472
Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups)
982
00:49:02,539 --> 00:49:04,741
(faster) Meow. (hiccups)
Meow. (hiccups)
983
00:49:04,808 --> 00:49:06,709
(gasping groan)
984
00:49:06,776 --> 00:49:08,144
What was that?
985
00:49:08,211 --> 00:49:10,346
I killed the fucking cat.
986
00:49:13,716 --> 00:49:15,485
So, Achmed, when did you
know you wanted
987
00:49:15,552 --> 00:49:16,653
to be a suicide bomber?
988
00:49:16,719 --> 00:49:20,156
After talking
to my guidance counselor.
989
00:49:20,223 --> 00:49:21,157
Your guidance counselor?
990
00:49:21,224 --> 00:49:22,559
-In high school.
-High school?
991
00:49:22,625 --> 00:49:25,061
Al Qaeda High.
992
00:49:25,128 --> 00:49:26,496
Al Qaeda High?
993
00:49:26,563 --> 00:49:28,731
♪ Ch...
994
00:49:28,798 --> 00:49:33,269
♪ All hail
to the Al Qaeda High ♪
995
00:49:33,336 --> 00:49:37,440
♪ We blow up, then we die. ♪
996
00:49:37,507 --> 00:49:38,675
Everybody!
997
00:49:38,741 --> 00:49:40,477
Wait, wait, wait. This is
your high school?
998
00:49:40,543 --> 00:49:41,644
Who's your mascot?
999
00:49:41,711 --> 00:49:43,146
The next guy on the list.
1000
00:49:49,519 --> 00:49:50,587
Oh, it was, like
1001
00:49:50,653 --> 00:49:53,423
"Go, team! (mimics explosion)
1002
00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:55,692
Next.
1003
00:49:55,758 --> 00:49:57,427
So how were the cheerleaders
at your school?
1004
00:49:57,494 --> 00:49:58,828
Oh, we didn't even have girls.
1005
00:49:58,895 --> 00:49:59,963
NO girls?
1006
00:50:00,029 --> 00:50:03,032
No. I had to take
my buddy Omar to the prom.
1007
00:50:03,099 --> 00:50:06,102
Hey, he could dance!
1008
00:50:06,169 --> 00:50:09,005
Later, he became
The Village Person.
1009
00:50:09,072 --> 00:50:11,508
I'm not kidding!
1010
00:50:11,574 --> 00:50:13,910
Wait. Your buddy Omar
was in the singing group
1011
00:50:13,977 --> 00:50:15,745
-The Village People?
-Uh-huh.
1012
00:50:15,812 --> 00:50:16,980
-Which guy was he?
-What?
1013
00:50:17,046 --> 00:50:18,248
Was he, like, the cowboy
1014
00:50:18,314 --> 00:50:19,282
or the construction worker?
1015
00:50:19,349 --> 00:50:21,117
- Indian.
- He was the Indian.
1016
00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:23,486
(chanting):
J‘ HV-ya, hy_ya, hy-ya. J"
1017
00:50:23,553 --> 00:50:25,455
(mimics explosion)
1018
00:50:25,522 --> 00:50:26,990
What was that?
1019
00:50:27,056 --> 00:50:28,391
A bomb.
1020
00:50:28,458 --> 00:50:31,461
Native Americans
didn't use bombs.
1021
00:50:31,528 --> 00:50:34,697
T Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪
1022
00:50:34,764 --> 00:50:36,966
(hisses, thud, groans)
1023
00:50:37,867 --> 00:50:40,904
Hey! They got it!
1024
00:50:43,306 --> 00:50:46,409
They knew that I got shot
by an arrow.
1025
00:50:46,476 --> 00:50:48,912
I must be a pretty good actor.
1026
00:50:48,978 --> 00:50:51,047
Can I try it again to make sure
1027
00:50:51,114 --> 00:50:52,482
-it wasn't a fluke?
-Sure.
1028
00:50:52,549 --> 00:50:55,718
Okay, this time, slightly
bigger arrow, more drama.
1029
00:50:55,785 --> 00:50:56,886
(hisses, thud)
1030
00:50:56,953 --> 00:50:59,088
(screaming loudly)
1031
00:51:00,390 --> 00:51:02,992
Oh, look at that!
1032
00:51:04,494 --> 00:51:06,496
(audience cheering)
1033
00:51:11,834 --> 00:51:14,537
I'm a thesbian.
1034
00:51:14,604 --> 00:51:16,773
Not like Ellen.
1035
00:51:19,709 --> 00:51:22,145
Well, she's a lesbian,
1036
00:51:22,211 --> 00:51:23,680
and I said "thesbian"
1037
00:51:23,746 --> 00:51:26,583
and the words are similar.
1038
00:51:26,649 --> 00:51:27,951
Not in meaning.
1039
00:51:28,017 --> 00:51:32,088
Unless you're
a lesbian thesbian.
1040
00:51:32,155 --> 00:51:35,325
♪ Chika-chika, wrow-wrow. ♪
1041
00:51:38,895 --> 00:51:40,229
-I like Ellen.
-Yeah.
1042
00:51:40,296 --> 00:51:41,364
-She's cute.
-Yeah.
1043
00:51:41,431 --> 00:51:43,833
-You think I got a shot
with her? -A shot?
1044
00:51:43,900 --> 00:51:45,401
You know, like, to date her?
1045
00:51:45,468 --> 00:51:46,803
Oh, come on. She could play on
1046
00:51:46,869 --> 00:51:48,271
the other team
for a little while.
1047
00:51:48,338 --> 00:51:51,774
You know, like a visitor.
1048
00:51:51,841 --> 00:51:54,110
Achmed, she's married
to another woman.
1049
00:51:54,177 --> 00:51:57,013
(gasps) Who is this bitch?
1050
00:51:57,080 --> 00:51:59,816
Come on. What does she
have that I don't?
1051
00:52:04,020 --> 00:52:07,256
What? I no longer
have the hoogh-hagh.
1052
00:52:07,323 --> 00:52:08,658
Don't look!
1053
00:52:10,226 --> 00:52:11,995
You look to my hoogh-hagh area,
1054
00:52:12,061 --> 00:52:14,564
I keel you where you stand.
1055
00:52:16,866 --> 00:52:21,137
But if I keel you,
please don't drop me.
1056
00:52:21,204 --> 00:52:24,207
What happened to your hoo-ha?
1057
00:52:26,376 --> 00:52:27,443
My What?
1058
00:52:27,510 --> 00:52:30,613
You said you no longer
have a hoo-ha.
1059
00:52:30,680 --> 00:52:32,915
No, I didn't.
1060
00:52:32,982 --> 00:52:34,951
Yes, you did.
1061
00:52:35,018 --> 00:52:36,119
No, I didn't.
1062
00:52:36,185 --> 00:52:38,287
I said, hoogh-hagh.
1063
00:52:38,354 --> 00:52:42,392
What the hell's a "hoo-ha"?
1064
00:52:42,458 --> 00:52:46,496
That's like a laughing owl.
1065
00:52:46,562 --> 00:52:49,866
Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha!
1066
00:52:51,367 --> 00:52:53,636
What happened
to your hoogh-hagh?
1067
00:52:53,703 --> 00:52:55,571
Oh, after the explosion,
it ended up
1068
00:52:55,638 --> 00:52:58,908
over there, over there
and up there.
1069
00:52:58,975 --> 00:53:01,244
I see.
1070
00:53:01,310 --> 00:53:04,180
So you no longer have
a... a hoogh-hagh.
1071
00:53:04,247 --> 00:53:06,582
- No.
- But you like women?
1072
00:53:06,649 --> 00:53:07,617
Yes. (gasps)
1073
00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:10,520
I'm a lesbian!
1074
00:53:12,255 --> 00:53:15,625
I told you I got a shot
with Ellen!
1075
00:53:15,692 --> 00:53:18,094
Do you think she likes actors?
1076
00:53:18,161 --> 00:53:19,162
I don't know.
1077
00:53:19,228 --> 00:53:21,230
Let me try this arrow
thing one more time.
1078
00:53:21,297 --> 00:53:22,932
-I can prove I can act.
-Okay.
1079
00:53:22,999 --> 00:53:24,467
Okay, this time,
much bigger arrow,
1080
00:53:24,534 --> 00:53:25,601
much more drama.
1081
00:53:25,668 --> 00:53:26,602
(hisses, thud)
1082
00:53:26,669 --> 00:53:28,838
(loud groaning scream)
1083
00:53:28,905 --> 00:53:30,740
(scream fades)
1084
00:53:30,807 --> 00:53:33,676
(resumes screaming louder)
1085
00:53:33,743 --> 00:53:36,312
I got shot in the shoulder,
not gonna die.
1086
00:53:36,379 --> 00:53:37,613
(screams)
1087
00:53:37,680 --> 00:53:38,614
Now in the stomach.
1088
00:53:38,681 --> 00:53:40,349
(hisses, thud, groans)
1089
00:53:40,416 --> 00:53:44,420
(sustained gasping groan)
1090
00:53:44,487 --> 00:53:47,657
(weakly):
Tell Ellen I love her!
1091
00:53:47,724 --> 00:53:51,194
(gasping and groaning)
1092
00:53:52,195 --> 00:53:54,163
Okay, I'm done.
I can sit up now.
1093
00:53:54,230 --> 00:53:55,898
Actually, you can't.
1094
00:53:55,965 --> 00:53:57,166
What?
1095
00:53:57,233 --> 00:53:59,235
(laughing): Your ribs
are caught on your spine.
1096
00:53:59,302 --> 00:54:00,837
Hang on one second.
1097
00:54:00,903 --> 00:54:03,072
(laughter)
1098
00:54:03,139 --> 00:54:06,242
(applause and cheering)
1099
00:54:12,749 --> 00:54:14,917
What?!
1100
00:54:14,984 --> 00:54:18,354
Son of bitches!
1101
00:54:18,421 --> 00:54:21,390
I keel you from here,
you asshole!
1102
00:54:21,457 --> 00:54:24,093
You feed me a sandwich
every once in a while,
1103
00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:26,629
this shit would not happen!
1104
00:54:26,696 --> 00:54:27,864
(screams)
1105
00:54:34,504 --> 00:54:37,406
I'm a lesbian,
not a cheerleader!
1106
00:54:51,654 --> 00:54:54,090
(laughter and cheering builds)
1107
00:54:54,157 --> 00:54:55,491
(loud whistling)
1108
00:55:03,332 --> 00:55:06,869
(low voice): I keel you.
1109
00:55:06,936 --> 00:55:10,373
I keel you till you're dead!
1110
00:55:10,439 --> 00:55:11,908
And that's worse.
1111
00:55:19,916 --> 00:55:22,985
You make a barbecue joke...
1112
00:55:23,052 --> 00:55:24,387
(laughter)
1113
00:55:30,193 --> 00:55:33,296
...| keel your family.
1114
00:55:34,363 --> 00:55:37,333
What part of my family?
1115
00:55:37,400 --> 00:55:39,068
(laughter and cheering)
1116
00:55:47,643 --> 00:55:48,578
We can talk.
1117
00:55:48,644 --> 00:55:51,647
All ri... (laughs)
1118
00:55:54,984 --> 00:55:58,087
Sorry about this.
1119
00:55:58,154 --> 00:55:59,922
How do you feel?
1120
00:55:59,989 --> 00:56:01,991
Kind of cold.
1121
00:56:07,597 --> 00:56:09,699
Cut it out.
1122
00:56:09,765 --> 00:56:10,867
Why?
1123
00:56:10,933 --> 00:56:12,935
It tickles.
1124
00:56:17,607 --> 00:56:21,510
Can I... can I try
and put this back?
1125
00:56:21,577 --> 00:56:25,815
What am I now?
Fucking Lego Achmed?
1126
00:56:34,757 --> 00:56:35,758
I hate you.
1127
00:56:36,792 --> 00:56:39,795
-I want Ellen here...
-Oops.
1128
00:56:55,978 --> 00:56:57,747
(audience cheers, applauds)
1129
00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:08,524
- Didn't hurt.
- All right.
1130
00:57:08,591 --> 00:57:10,192
So Achmed, let me
get this straight.
1131
00:57:10,259 --> 00:57:13,195
So there were never
any girls at your school.
1132
00:57:13,262 --> 00:57:16,365
No. But for some reason,
we had a girls' restroom.
1133
00:57:16,432 --> 00:57:17,700
I see.
1134
00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:21,270
And one day, Omar and I
snuck in there to explore.
1135
00:57:21,337 --> 00:57:23,539
- The girls' restroom?
- Uh-huh.
1136
00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:24,707
And what'd you find?
1137
00:57:24,774 --> 00:57:27,710
A couple of strange
and wonderful things.
1138
00:57:27,777 --> 00:57:28,711
Like what?
1139
00:57:28,778 --> 00:57:31,948
Well, we found a machine.
1140
00:57:32,014 --> 00:57:35,384
And if you put
two shekels in it,
1141
00:57:35,451 --> 00:57:37,453
a small missile would come out.
1142
00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:47,563
- A missile?
- Well, I think it was.
1143
00:57:47,630 --> 00:57:49,632
It had a little white fuse.
1144
00:57:53,269 --> 00:57:56,772
And it must have been
a very special missile,
1145
00:57:56,839 --> 00:58:01,510
because it was lightly scented.
1146
00:58:01,577 --> 00:58:04,113
And then you could put two
shekels in the other machine
1147
00:58:04,180 --> 00:58:07,516
and get the bonus
accuracy package.
1148
00:58:07,583 --> 00:58:10,586
-What?
-It had wings.
1149
00:58:17,593 --> 00:58:19,328
And you used these missiles?
1150
00:58:19,395 --> 00:58:22,365
With confidence.
1151
00:58:22,431 --> 00:58:25,401
- Really?
- Always.
1152
00:58:25,468 --> 00:58:27,370
(laughter)
1153
00:58:32,041 --> 00:58:34,043
(audience whistling)
1154
00:58:35,945 --> 00:58:38,547
Achmed, I've never heard of
anything like this before.
1155
00:58:38,614 --> 00:58:40,016
Ooh, do not lie to me, infidel.
1156
00:58:40,082 --> 00:58:41,217
I've been to your house,
1157
00:58:41,283 --> 00:58:42,651
I've seen in your
cabinets and drawers,
1158
00:58:42,718 --> 00:58:45,321
many of these
missiles hidden away.
1159
00:58:45,388 --> 00:58:48,257
It looks as though you
are preparing for war.
1160
00:58:50,292 --> 00:58:54,230
Every four weeks, it feels
like that, I'd say so.
1161
00:58:54,296 --> 00:58:58,734
So your soldiers have
synchronized their time clocks.
1162
00:58:58,801 --> 00:59:01,170
You could say that.
1163
00:59:01,237 --> 00:59:04,006
-Well, good luck in your
battles, my friend. -Thank you.
1164
00:59:04,073 --> 00:59:07,043
I fear there will
be much bloodshed.
1165
00:59:07,109 --> 00:59:09,111
(laughter)
1166
00:59:13,883 --> 00:59:17,853
What are the infidels
laughing at now?
1167
00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:19,188
I'll explain it to you later.
1168
00:59:19,255 --> 00:59:21,857
l keel you!
1169
00:59:21,924 --> 00:59:24,193
Look, Achmed, I have a surprise
to share with you tonight.
1170
00:59:24,260 --> 00:59:27,530
(gasps)
You're going in the closet?
1171
00:59:27,596 --> 00:59:29,398
No, and by the way, the, the,
1172
00:59:29,465 --> 00:59:31,200
the phrase is "coming
out of the closet."
1173
00:59:31,267 --> 00:59:34,203
Oh, congratulations!
1174
00:59:34,270 --> 00:59:35,871
No, I'm not coming
out of the closet.
1175
00:59:35,938 --> 00:59:38,374
You're going to continue
to hide the truth?
1176
00:59:38,441 --> 00:59:39,875
I'm not hiding in anything.
1177
00:59:39,942 --> 00:59:43,546
So everyone knows now?
Congratulations!
1178
00:59:43,612 --> 00:59:45,181
Achmed, I have a girlfriend.
1179
00:59:45,247 --> 00:59:47,883
(gasps) Does she know?
1180
00:59:47,950 --> 00:59:50,653
Maybe she will
like this one guy.
1181
00:59:50,719 --> 00:59:52,221
There is no one guy.
1182
00:59:52,288 --> 00:59:55,224
Then there are many guys?
1183
00:59:55,291 --> 00:59:59,595
You are a whore.
1184
00:59:59,662 --> 01:00:02,565
Now, you should be stoned.
1185
01:00:02,631 --> 01:00:04,033
-Achmed...
-What would your mother say?
1186
01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:05,401
I'm not a whore.
1187
01:00:05,468 --> 01:00:08,070
Of course your mother would
say she's not a whore.
1188
01:00:08,137 --> 01:00:09,572
I'm straight.
1189
01:00:09,638 --> 01:00:11,373
Straight, crooked,
we do not need
1190
01:00:11,440 --> 01:00:13,609
to know such graphic details.
1191
01:00:13,676 --> 01:00:15,678
(laughter)
1192
01:00:17,179 --> 01:00:19,415
I mean, I have a girlfriend.
1193
01:00:19,482 --> 01:00:21,917
Not for long.
1194
01:00:21,984 --> 01:00:25,254
Not when she finds out
about your many boyfriends.
1195
01:00:25,321 --> 01:00:28,157
Whore!
1196
01:00:28,224 --> 01:00:30,593
Will you please listen
to what I'm saying?
1197
01:00:30,659 --> 01:00:33,662
I do not talk to whores.
1198
01:00:33,729 --> 01:00:36,932
You are dead to me.
1199
01:00:36,999 --> 01:00:39,401
You're dead to all of us.
1200
01:00:44,540 --> 01:00:47,276
(applause and cheering)
1201
01:00:49,678 --> 01:00:51,280
- So, Achmed...
- I'm not listening!
1202
01:00:51,347 --> 01:00:53,115
♪ La-Ia-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ♪
1203
01:00:53,182 --> 01:00:55,451
Achmed, there's someone here
I want you to meet.
1204
01:00:55,518 --> 01:00:57,987
(gasps)
One of your whore boyfriends?
1205
01:00:58,053 --> 01:00:59,622
I think not!
1206
01:00:59,688 --> 01:01:01,891
No, I think this is someone
you would like to see.
1207
01:01:01,957 --> 01:01:03,826
(gasps) ls it a woman?
1208
01:01:03,893 --> 01:01:04,894
No.
1209
01:01:04,960 --> 01:01:09,231
I already have a goat.
1210
01:01:09,298 --> 01:01:11,233
This is a surprise guest.
1211
01:01:11,300 --> 01:01:14,570
(gasps) Ryan Seacrest?
1212
01:01:14,637 --> 01:01:15,905
-Nope.
-Damn it!
1213
01:01:15,971 --> 01:01:18,174
Look. What I want you to
do is, I just want you
1214
01:01:18,240 --> 01:01:19,575
to look over there while
I'm getting him out,
1215
01:01:19,642 --> 01:01:20,910
-so you won't peek.
-Okay.
1216
01:01:20,976 --> 01:01:22,711
-Just look over there.
-O... wait a minute.
1217
01:01:22,778 --> 01:01:26,081
When I'm not looking,
are you going to keel me?
1218
01:01:26,148 --> 01:01:28,784
-No. -That's actually a good way
of doing it, you know.
1219
01:01:28,851 --> 01:01:32,021
Kinda old-school,
but effective.
1220
01:01:32,087 --> 01:01:35,090
It's like "Hey, look at that!"
(chokes) Aaah...
1221
01:01:37,326 --> 01:01:39,929
No, just look over there, and
don't look back until I say so.
1222
01:01:39,995 --> 01:01:42,431
-Okay, whatever. This is kind
of like Christmas, huh? -Yeah.
1223
01:01:42,498 --> 01:01:43,599
-Just look over there.
-Okay.
1224
01:01:43,666 --> 01:01:44,767
-And don't peek.
-Okay.
1225
01:01:44,833 --> 01:01:46,402
-Right. -Not gonna peek.
Just stay over here.
1226
01:01:46,468 --> 01:01:47,436
"New?
"NM!
1227
01:01:47,503 --> 01:01:50,272
Okay! (muttering)
1228
01:01:57,446 --> 01:01:59,014
(applause and cheering)
1229
01:01:59,949 --> 01:02:01,150
(screams)
1230
01:02:01,217 --> 01:02:02,585
(yells)
1231
01:02:02,651 --> 01:02:05,955
Who the hell is that?
1232
01:02:06,021 --> 01:02:07,990
(British accent):
Hello, Father.
1233
01:02:08,057 --> 01:02:11,026
(audience whistling, applauding)
1234
01:02:16,432 --> 01:02:19,435
(prolonged cheering
and whistling)
1235
01:02:23,305 --> 01:02:26,308
It's your son, Achmed Junior.
1236
01:02:27,643 --> 01:02:30,112
AJ?
1237
01:02:30,179 --> 01:02:31,914
That's right.
1238
01:02:31,981 --> 01:02:34,083
ACHMED: Wait...
I thought you were dead!
1239
01:02:34,149 --> 01:02:36,051
Surprise.
1240
01:02:36,118 --> 01:02:37,753
This is great.
1241
01:02:37,820 --> 01:02:40,089
Hey! What happened to your face?
1242
01:02:40,155 --> 01:02:43,592
Oh, yeah. My bad.
1243
01:02:43,659 --> 01:02:45,928
Achmed, he's your son.
Look at him. What do you see?
1244
01:02:45,995 --> 01:02:47,596
Well, he does have my eye.
1245
01:02:47,663 --> 01:02:49,465
(cackling laugh)
1246
01:02:49,531 --> 01:02:52,668
Actually, I do. Yes, I do.
1247
01:02:52,735 --> 01:02:54,470
Why do you sound
like Elton John?
1248
01:02:56,005 --> 01:02:57,773
When you were separated
after the accident,
1249
01:02:57,840 --> 01:02:58,941
he was raised in England.
1250
01:02:59,008 --> 01:03:00,376
Did my mum miss me?
1251
01:03:00,442 --> 01:03:05,247
Uh... yeah. I don't know.
What the hell.
1252
01:03:05,314 --> 01:03:06,382
How do you not know?
1253
01:03:06,448 --> 01:03:08,450
Oops.
1254
01:03:15,791 --> 01:03:18,894
What's wrong with your leg?
1255
01:03:18,961 --> 01:03:20,262
Nothing!
1256
01:03:20,329 --> 01:03:21,397
What's wrong with my leg?
1257
01:03:21,463 --> 01:03:22,898
I don't know.
1258
01:03:22,965 --> 01:03:25,968
- Can you fix this?
- No, I don't think so.
1259
01:03:27,803 --> 01:03:29,805
Damn it.
1260
01:03:35,311 --> 01:03:37,746
-Don't look at me.
-Sorry.
1261
01:03:37,813 --> 01:03:40,349
Um, we're going to get
Marnel to help us.
1262
01:03:40,416 --> 01:03:41,583
-What?
-Marne|, he works for me.
1263
01:03:41,650 --> 01:03:44,219
I know Mar, Mar, Marnel!
1264
01:03:44,286 --> 01:03:46,155
Come fix my leg!
1265
01:03:46,221 --> 01:03:49,591
(murmuring)
1266
01:03:49,658 --> 01:03:51,427
Thanks.
1267
01:03:51,493 --> 01:03:53,262
(applause)
1268
01:03:53,329 --> 01:03:56,332
He's kind of cute.
1269
01:04:02,271 --> 01:04:05,541
Okay, moving on!
1270
01:04:05,607 --> 01:04:08,544
Wait a minute. How do you
not know who his mother is?
1271
01:04:08,610 --> 01:04:11,046
I had 46 wives, you idiot.
1272
01:04:11,113 --> 01:04:13,716
They all dressed the same,
and their faces were covered.
1273
01:04:13,782 --> 01:04:15,050
How'd you tell them apart?
1274
01:04:15,117 --> 01:04:18,854
The numbers on their backs.
1275
01:04:18,921 --> 01:04:20,589
That's terrible.
1276
01:04:20,656 --> 01:04:24,093
I know, Mother's Day is a bitch.
1277
01:04:24,159 --> 01:04:26,895
And so are most of the mothers.
1278
01:04:26,962 --> 01:04:28,797
That's not funny at all.
1279
01:04:28,864 --> 01:04:31,734
"Ata||"?
Who is "Ata||"?
1280
01:04:31,800 --> 01:04:33,502
Was she your mother?
I don't remember
1281
01:04:33,569 --> 01:04:36,138
a woman who was all
bulgy-eyed like you.
1282
01:04:36,205 --> 01:04:37,740
- Bulgy-eyed?
- Well, look at him.
1283
01:04:37,806 --> 01:04:41,744
Well, you're not
exactly squinting.
1284
01:04:41,810 --> 01:04:43,445
At least my face is balanced.
1285
01:04:43,512 --> 01:04:47,383
You manage to look asleep and
terrified all at the same time.
1286
01:04:47,449 --> 01:04:49,885
-Achmed, he's your son.
-Well, the apple
1287
01:04:49,952 --> 01:04:51,387
doesn't fall far from the tree,
1288
01:04:51,453 --> 01:04:54,456
and apparently this one got run
over by a fucking lawnmower.
1289
01:05:02,264 --> 01:05:03,565
You caused the accident.
1290
01:05:03,632 --> 01:05:06,201
Accident? It was
a huge explosion,
1291
01:05:06,268 --> 01:05:07,870
with great fire
and destruction.
1292
01:05:07,936 --> 01:05:10,205
- You didn't mean for it
to happen. -I did, too!
1293
01:05:10,272 --> 01:05:12,207
-You did not!
-No, Ii... Oh, shit.
1294
01:05:12,274 --> 01:05:15,043
Marnel!
1295
01:05:15,110 --> 01:05:18,881
Son of a bitch!
1296
01:05:18,947 --> 01:05:20,949
Are you talking to me now?
1297
01:05:24,620 --> 01:05:28,557
Fix it right,
or I kick your ass.
1298
01:05:28,624 --> 01:05:29,558
Marnel!
1299
01:05:29,625 --> 01:05:31,894
Come back!
1300
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:35,898
My arm is stuck in
my pelvis, you asshole.
1301
01:05:40,402 --> 01:05:42,404
(laughter, applause
and cheering)
1302
01:05:49,144 --> 01:05:53,415
He can fix my pelvis anytime.
1303
01:05:53,482 --> 01:05:55,984
-Shut up!
-Okay, look.
1304
01:05:56,051 --> 01:05:58,587
Okay, look. So the explosion
you were talking about,
1305
01:05:58,654 --> 01:05:59,588
how did it happen?
1306
01:05:59,655 --> 01:06:01,523
Very precise and
careful planning.
1307
01:06:01,590 --> 01:06:03,358
-Not exactly.
-I said shut up!
1308
01:06:03,425 --> 01:06:04,526
-What happened?
-Nothing.
1309
01:06:04,593 --> 01:06:08,864
He was putting gasoline
in his scooter.
1310
01:06:08,931 --> 01:06:10,499
So why was there an explosion?
1311
01:06:10,566 --> 01:06:12,634
Shit happens.
1312
01:06:14,269 --> 01:06:15,704
He was using his cell phone.
1313
01:06:15,771 --> 01:06:17,272
-Really?
-What?
1314
01:06:17,339 --> 01:06:18,540
While putting gas
in your scooter.
1315
01:06:18,607 --> 01:06:19,608
You know that's dangerous.
1316
01:06:19,675 --> 01:06:21,376
Well, it was your
mother who called.
1317
01:06:21,443 --> 01:06:23,946
-ACHMED JR: Really?
-I don't know.
1318
01:06:24,012 --> 01:06:26,248
-What was her name?
-42.
1319
01:06:26,315 --> 01:06:28,917
And you guys haven't had
any contact since?
1320
01:06:28,984 --> 01:06:31,386
-Not much. He's a bad son.
-I am not.
1321
01:06:31,453 --> 01:06:33,322
Tell him what you sent
me for my birthday.
1322
01:06:33,388 --> 01:06:34,723
It was an honest mistake.
1323
01:06:34,790 --> 01:06:35,958
What'd you send him?
1324
01:06:36,024 --> 01:06:38,227
He sent me a bottle
of skin lotion.
1325
01:06:38,293 --> 01:06:40,629
(laughter)
1326
01:06:40,696 --> 01:06:42,798
-He made it worse.
-What'd you do?
1327
01:06:42,865 --> 01:06:44,333
I sent him back half a bottle.
1328
01:06:44,399 --> 01:06:46,401
-(Achmed laughs)
-(audience laughs)
1329
01:06:49,271 --> 01:06:52,508
You know, maybe you should
try and patch things up.
1330
01:06:52,574 --> 01:06:56,345
Looks like he needs more
than a fucking patch.
1331
01:06:56,411 --> 01:06:57,946
But I'm here for a reason.
1332
01:06:58,013 --> 01:06:59,948
What, a skin graft?
Sorry, I'm all out.
1333
01:07:00,015 --> 01:07:02,417
Fuck! (yelling)
1334
01:07:02,484 --> 01:07:07,122
Come fix my fucking leg!
1335
01:07:07,189 --> 01:07:10,392
Get duct tape, you asshole!
1336
01:07:10,459 --> 01:07:13,595
(chuckling):
He actually brought duct tape.
1337
01:07:16,098 --> 01:07:18,100
(laughter and cheering)
1338
01:07:29,745 --> 01:07:31,880
He's kinky, too.
1339
01:07:31,947 --> 01:07:33,849
Shut up!
1340
01:07:38,020 --> 01:07:41,290
So, Achmed, do you know
why AJ is here?
1341
01:07:41,356 --> 01:07:43,225
Well... Wait a minute.
1342
01:07:43,292 --> 01:07:46,595
This isn't some crap about
owing child support, is it?
1343
01:07:46,662 --> 01:07:47,829
That bitch!
1344
01:07:47,896 --> 01:07:49,831
- Whichever one she was.
- No, that's not...
1345
01:07:49,898 --> 01:07:51,767
This is bad,
1346
01:07:51,833 --> 01:07:54,002
'cause I've seen the crap
that you're going through
1347
01:07:54,069 --> 01:07:57,372
and I don't know how you
can afford even a T-shirt.
1348
01:07:57,439 --> 01:08:00,142
Thank you.
1349
01:08:00,208 --> 01:08:02,578
Did I say that
just how you wrote it?
1350
01:08:02,644 --> 01:08:04,646
(laughter)
1351
01:08:07,816 --> 01:08:09,651
Yes. Thank you.
1352
01:08:09,718 --> 01:08:12,287
Okay. Good luck with the judge.
1353
01:08:13,589 --> 01:08:16,258
I hope he's fair.
1354
01:08:16,325 --> 01:08:18,560
Actually the judge
is a woman.
1355
01:08:18,627 --> 01:08:20,896
You're fucked.
1356
01:08:20,963 --> 01:08:22,965
(laughter)
1357
01:08:24,366 --> 01:08:25,634
Okay, listen, you...
1358
01:08:25,701 --> 01:08:27,002
Achmed, you're getting hostile.
1359
01:08:27,069 --> 01:08:28,370
Of course I'm getting hostile.
1360
01:08:28,437 --> 01:08:30,272
I'm a terrorist, you idiot.
1361
01:08:30,339 --> 01:08:32,474
You piss me off, I keel you.
1362
01:08:32,541 --> 01:08:34,643
Would that really
solve anything?
1363
01:08:34,710 --> 01:08:37,446
Pretty much, yeah,
I think it does.
1364
01:08:37,512 --> 01:08:39,247
Okay---...
1365
01:08:39,314 --> 01:08:41,350
I have nothing in common
with my own son.
1366
01:08:41,416 --> 01:08:42,618
-Well, just talk to him.
-How?
1367
01:08:42,684 --> 01:08:44,152
I don't know,
like you would anybody.
1368
01:08:44,219 --> 01:08:46,922
Okay, W.T.F.
1369
01:08:46,989 --> 01:08:48,557
O.M.G.
1370
01:08:48,624 --> 01:08:50,359
I mean O.M.A.
1371
01:08:56,898 --> 01:08:58,767
(laughter and applause)
1372
01:08:59,901 --> 01:09:02,237
And you have no idea
why he's here?
1373
01:09:02,304 --> 01:09:04,940
To start his training
as a terrorist. -No, Father,
1374
01:09:05,007 --> 01:09:08,076
that's just it--
I don't want to be a terrorist.
1375
01:09:08,143 --> 01:09:10,379
(gasps) But I want you
to be just like me.
1376
01:09:10,445 --> 01:09:12,381
Well, I'm not, and I won't be.
1377
01:09:12,447 --> 01:09:14,483
Achmed, can you accept that?
1378
01:09:14,549 --> 01:09:16,551
(voice breaking):
I guess I can try.
1379
01:09:16,618 --> 01:09:19,788
And, Ad, what Y? he
doesn't accept W?
1380
01:09:19,855 --> 01:09:21,323
lkeelyou.
1381
01:09:21,390 --> 01:09:23,959
That's my boy!
1382
01:09:24,026 --> 01:09:26,161
(cheering and applause)
1383
01:09:35,103 --> 01:09:38,206
He's purple, he's wacky,
he's been around for a while.
1384
01:09:38,273 --> 01:09:40,575
Please help me welcome
my buddy Peanut!
1385
01:09:40,642 --> 01:09:42,644
(cheering)
1386
01:10:00,529 --> 01:10:01,697
How you doing, Peanut?
1387
01:10:01,763 --> 01:10:03,799
- Doing pretty good.
How about you? -I'm fine.
1388
01:10:03,865 --> 01:10:05,567
That's good, that's good,
that's goo-ood.
1389
01:10:05,634 --> 01:10:07,335
(cheering)
1390
01:10:07,402 --> 01:10:09,237
-Wow.
-You like it here?
1391
01:10:09,304 --> 01:10:10,639
I love it here.
1392
01:10:10,706 --> 01:10:11,973
It's beautiful. It's sold out.
1393
01:10:12,040 --> 01:10:13,241
The place is paid for.
1394
01:10:13,308 --> 01:10:16,445
We must be on
an Indian reservation.
1395
01:10:16,511 --> 01:10:18,313
And these are all Indians.
1396
01:10:18,380 --> 01:10:20,882
Look, Peanut, first of all,
1397
01:10:20,949 --> 01:10:22,684
the more politically correct
term these days
1398
01:10:22,751 --> 01:10:24,352
is Native American.
1399
01:10:24,419 --> 01:10:26,722
Oh, yeah.
1400
01:10:26,788 --> 01:10:29,257
I certainly wouldn't want
to piss 'em off.
1401
01:10:29,324 --> 01:10:32,494
They could try and scalp me,
but all they'd get
1402
01:10:32,561 --> 01:10:34,096
is a fishing lure.
1403
01:10:34,162 --> 01:10:36,164
(laughter)
1404
01:10:40,235 --> 01:10:43,438
I guess that is a little less
confusing of a term, though.
1405
01:10:43,505 --> 01:10:44,806
-What?
-Native American.
1406
01:10:44,873 --> 01:10:46,341
-Why?
-'Cause when you say Indian,
1407
01:10:46,408 --> 01:10:48,176
you don't know which one
the hell they're talking about.
1408
01:10:48,243 --> 01:10:49,778
-What?
-ls it the ones that go...
1409
01:10:49,845 --> 01:10:50,779
(war chant):
♪ Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪
1410
01:10:50,846 --> 01:10:52,280
or the ones that go...
1411
01:10:52,347 --> 01:10:55,751
(Indian accent): Thank you
for calling customer support.
1412
01:10:55,817 --> 01:10:58,787
(laughter and cheering)
1413
01:11:05,293 --> 01:11:07,062
But in this case, I'm talking
about the ones that go...
1414
01:11:07,129 --> 01:11:08,497
(war chant):
♪ Hy-ya. hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪
1415
01:11:08,563 --> 01:11:10,365
Weep vdme)".
3 “XI-Va. ‘fly-ya. a‘
1416
01:11:10,432 --> 01:11:12,768
(high-pitched):
J“ HY-Ya, hy-ya... how. ♪
1417
01:11:12,834 --> 01:11:14,770
Do you know what
that chant means?
1418
01:11:14,836 --> 01:11:16,605
No, but I think it means,
1419
01:11:16,671 --> 01:11:20,408
(chanting): J“ I forgot
the words, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪
1420
01:11:20,475 --> 01:11:22,110
You know, we have plenty
of Native Americans
1421
01:11:22,177 --> 01:11:23,111
here this evening.
1422
01:11:23,178 --> 01:11:25,413
Oh, goody. Let's play craps.
1423
01:11:25,480 --> 01:11:27,482
(laughter)
1424
01:11:27,549 --> 01:11:30,452
What? They've got the
reservations and the casinos
1425
01:11:30,519 --> 01:11:33,088
and making millions of dollars
every day hand over fist.
1426
01:11:33,155 --> 01:11:34,990
They're laughing
all the way to the bank.
1427
01:11:35,056 --> 01:11:36,825
Oh, that's what it is--
they're laughing.
1428
01:11:36,892 --> 01:11:39,427
(chanting):
J‘ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. J‘
1429
01:11:39,494 --> 01:11:40,829
(laughter)
1430
01:11:42,430 --> 01:11:43,665
What is wrong
with you tonight?
1431
01:11:43,732 --> 01:11:44,833
You're being a little
extra annoying.
1432
01:11:44,900 --> 01:11:46,434
I'm sorry.
1433
01:11:46,501 --> 01:11:47,769
I got cranky today because
1434
01:11:47,836 --> 01:11:49,004
we didn't have anything
to eat on the bus.
1435
01:11:49,070 --> 01:11:50,972
Right. We haven't been
to the store in a while.
1436
01:11:51,039 --> 01:11:52,841
-So you know what
I had to do? -What?
1437
01:11:52,908 --> 01:11:55,210
I had to phone order
take-out Chinese food. -Oh.
1438
01:11:55,277 --> 01:11:56,912
Have you done this lately?
1439
01:11:56,978 --> 01:11:58,680
Phone order take-out
Chinese? No.
1440
01:11:58,747 --> 01:12:02,083
Excuse me, but do these guys
get together in the morning
1441
01:12:02,150 --> 01:12:04,386
and decide who speaks
English the worst?
1442
01:12:04,452 --> 01:12:06,254
(laughter)
1443
01:12:06,321 --> 01:12:08,256
(Chinese accent):
Okay, Chin, today your day
1444
01:12:08,323 --> 01:12:10,025
to take the phone order.
1445
01:12:10,091 --> 01:12:12,861
Oh, Chin making a
fool of you... (gibberish)
1446
01:12:12,928 --> 01:12:14,663
(laughter)
1447
01:12:17,833 --> 01:12:20,502
So here's me
1448
01:12:20,569 --> 01:12:23,538
placing a phone order
for take-out Chinese food.
1449
01:12:23,605 --> 01:12:24,906
What was the name
of the restaurant?
1450
01:12:24,973 --> 01:12:27,309
Oh, Taste of China.
1451
01:12:28,577 --> 01:12:30,779
Hello, I'd like to place
a phone order today.
1452
01:12:30,846 --> 01:12:35,116
Oh, this is Chin... (gibberish)
1453
01:12:39,621 --> 01:12:43,291
Okay, I need two orders
of kung pao chicken.
1454
01:12:43,358 --> 01:12:45,627
(heavy Chinese accent):
Oh, you like kung pao chicken?
1455
01:12:45,694 --> 01:12:48,363
I like kung pao chicken, too...
(gibberish)
1456
01:12:48,430 --> 01:12:52,400
(laughter)
1457
01:12:52,467 --> 01:12:55,737
Okay, and I need
something with salmon.
1458
01:12:55,804 --> 01:12:57,806
Ooh, you like-a the fish?
You like-a the fish?
1459
01:12:57,873 --> 01:12:59,641
It tastes... (gibberish)
1460
01:13:03,078 --> 01:13:05,413
Yeah, and I need chopsticks.
1461
01:13:05,480 --> 01:13:06,781
Oh, no fork?
1462
01:13:06,848 --> 01:13:08,583
(laughter)
1463
01:13:15,056 --> 01:13:16,858
I said I need chopsticks.
1464
01:13:16,925 --> 01:13:18,894
No fork?
1465
01:13:18,960 --> 01:13:21,296
Chopsticks. No fork?
1466
01:13:21,363 --> 01:13:22,530
No fork, no fork.
1467
01:13:22,597 --> 01:13:24,199
Taste a-vagina like fish.
1468
01:13:29,237 --> 01:13:31,239
(laughter and applause)
1469
01:13:37,312 --> 01:13:40,448
Could you repeat that?
1470
01:13:40,515 --> 01:13:43,952
No fork.
Taste a-vagina like fish.
1471
01:13:48,223 --> 01:13:50,725
Did you get it?
1472
01:13:50,792 --> 01:13:52,193
No fork. Taste a-vagina...
1473
01:13:52,260 --> 01:13:53,728
They got it!
1474
01:14:06,041 --> 01:14:09,210
First of all, do you know
how racist that is?
1475
01:14:12,580 --> 01:14:15,684
And that's a-why
it's so fuckin‘ funny.
1476
01:14:16,418 --> 01:14:18,420
(cheering)
1477
01:14:25,894 --> 01:14:28,430
Now, Peanut, you've been doing
this bit for a few weeks now
1478
01:14:28,496 --> 01:14:30,598
-and I've been a little
bit worried about it. -Why?
1479
01:14:30,665 --> 01:14:31,800
Because I didn't know
1480
01:14:31,866 --> 01:14:33,501
if it was pushing
the racism thing too far,
1481
01:14:33,568 --> 01:14:35,203
and my fears actually
came true this afternoon.
1482
01:14:35,270 --> 01:14:36,638
-What?
-Right before the show started,
1483
01:14:36,705 --> 01:14:38,807
we actually got an e-mail,
and this was from a guy
1484
01:14:38,873 --> 01:14:41,109
that was at one of our shows
a couple of weeks ago.
1485
01:14:41,176 --> 01:14:43,445
The guy's obviously
of Asian descent.
1486
01:14:43,511 --> 01:14:45,513
He saw the whole show, including
the Taste of China bit.
1487
01:14:45,580 --> 01:14:47,582
He was offended,
and the guy took the time
1488
01:14:47,649 --> 01:14:49,150
to write an e-mail to complain.
1489
01:14:49,217 --> 01:14:51,820
And I know when one person takes
the time to write an e-mail
1490
01:14:51,886 --> 01:14:53,722
like this, there's usually
a bunch of other people
1491
01:14:53,788 --> 01:14:55,523
who feel the same
and don't take the time.
1492
01:14:55,590 --> 01:14:56,658
I feel bad about this.
1493
01:14:56,725 --> 01:14:58,526
I want to make it right
to this guy,
1494
01:14:58,593 --> 01:15:00,328
I'd like for you
to read his e-mail
1495
01:15:00,395 --> 01:15:01,997
and we're going to
send him the DVD.
1496
01:15:02,063 --> 01:15:03,498
Well, thanks
for bringing our show
1497
01:15:03,565 --> 01:15:06,701
to a grinding, freakin' halt.
1498
01:15:06,768 --> 01:15:08,770
(laughter)
1499
01:15:09,604 --> 01:15:11,439
It doesn't matter.
1500
01:15:11,506 --> 01:15:13,908
I feel strongly about this,
and it's the right thing to do.
1501
01:15:13,975 --> 01:15:15,276
It's to me.
1502
01:15:15,343 --> 01:15:18,113
That was the only
weird part about it.
1503
01:15:18,179 --> 01:15:20,181
(laughter)
1504
01:15:26,388 --> 01:15:28,623
The only thing
I could figure out
1505
01:15:28,690 --> 01:15:30,759
is the guy was just trying
to be real specific.
1506
01:15:30,825 --> 01:15:33,661
I think he didn't know
your name and didn't care.
1507
01:15:33,728 --> 01:15:35,196
Doesn't matter.
1508
01:15:35,263 --> 01:15:37,198
-Go ahead and read it.
-Okay.
1509
01:15:37,265 --> 01:15:38,466
"Dear Peanut:
1510
01:15:38,533 --> 01:15:39,901
(heavy Chinese accent):
"Herro..."
1511
01:15:39,968 --> 01:15:42,871
(laughter)
1512
01:15:42,937 --> 01:15:44,439
I'm sorr...
1513
01:15:44,506 --> 01:15:46,674
(cheering)
1514
01:15:50,111 --> 01:15:54,449
Oh, now how could
I pass that up?
1515
01:15:54,516 --> 01:15:56,951
You threw a slow ball
down the middle of the plate.
1516
01:15:57,018 --> 01:15:59,587
I had to fucking swing.
1517
01:16:01,156 --> 01:16:02,857
All right, you got
your laugh. Ha-ha.
1518
01:16:02,924 --> 01:16:03,792
Just do it right.
1519
01:16:03,858 --> 01:16:06,661
Okay, do it right,
do it right.
1520
01:16:06,728 --> 01:16:08,563
All right, go ahead.
1521
01:16:08,630 --> 01:16:10,298
(heavy Chinese accent):
"Dear Mr. Peanut...
1522
01:16:10,365 --> 01:16:13,168
(laughter)
1523
01:16:13,234 --> 01:16:16,071
Herro..."
1524
01:16:18,873 --> 01:16:21,042
I'm trying to do
the right thing here.
1525
01:16:21,109 --> 01:16:23,178
I'm not.
1526
01:16:23,244 --> 01:16:26,881
You know, we have folks of Asian
descent here this evening.
1527
01:16:26,948 --> 01:16:28,249
(heavy Chinese accent):
Oh, so sorry.
1528
01:16:28,316 --> 01:16:29,684
Will you stop it?!
1529
01:16:29,751 --> 01:16:31,953
(laughter)
1530
01:16:34,689 --> 01:16:35,990
It's not right.
1531
01:16:36,057 --> 01:16:37,258
- What?
- It's not right.
1532
01:16:37,325 --> 01:16:39,160
- What?
- It's not right.
1533
01:16:39,227 --> 01:16:41,896
It's "snot" right?
1534
01:16:41,963 --> 01:16:45,633
Everybody heard you.
You said "It's snot."
1535
01:16:45,700 --> 01:16:50,505
You might as well have gone,
"It's (snorting) right."
1536
01:16:55,143 --> 01:16:58,379
Daddy, don't hit Mommy.
Daddy, don't hit Mommy.
1537
01:17:00,248 --> 01:17:02,951
-What you're doing
is not right. -Okay!
1538
01:17:03,017 --> 01:17:06,988
-|t's wrong.
-Okay!
1539
01:17:07,055 --> 01:17:09,357
No, Peanut, no!
1540
01:17:11,759 --> 01:17:13,461
No!
1541
01:17:14,929 --> 01:17:16,931
Not right.
1542
01:17:18,199 --> 01:17:20,735
It's bad.
1543
01:17:20,802 --> 01:17:23,404
I'm a bad Peanut.
1544
01:17:23,471 --> 01:17:25,974
(laughter)
1545
01:17:28,243 --> 01:17:29,210
It's not right.
1546
01:17:29,277 --> 01:17:31,713
Okay.
1547
01:17:31,779 --> 01:17:33,081
It is not...
1548
01:17:33,148 --> 01:17:35,083
Stop m.
1549
01:17:35,150 --> 01:17:36,251
wright!
1550
01:17:36,317 --> 01:17:37,552
I got it!
1551
01:17:37,619 --> 01:17:40,288
-(belches)
-Stop it!
1552
01:17:40,355 --> 01:17:43,858
Whoo! Egg foo yung! Whoo!
1553
01:17:48,429 --> 01:17:49,764
Just read it.
1554
01:17:49,831 --> 01:17:54,269
(Chinese accent):
"We see your show rast night
1555
01:17:54,335 --> 01:17:56,905
and we raugh and raugh."
1556
01:18:04,546 --> 01:18:06,948
(normal voice):
What? They're raughing.
1557
01:18:07,015 --> 01:18:09,651
Just do it straight.
1558
01:18:09,717 --> 01:18:11,252
Oh, you're such a bitch.
1559
01:18:11,319 --> 01:18:13,321
(laughter)
1560
01:18:21,462 --> 01:18:24,465
Seriously.
1561
01:18:24,532 --> 01:18:26,100
Oh, my G0d...!
1562
01:18:38,680 --> 01:18:40,415
-(normal voice): Dude...
- What?
1563
01:18:40,481 --> 01:18:42,250
where's your other hand?
1564
01:18:59,000 --> 01:19:02,370
(prolonged applause, cheering
and whistling)
1565
01:19:09,677 --> 01:19:13,147
I hope you're
wearing a glove.
1566
01:19:17,185 --> 01:19:19,921
Do you do this
to the other guys?
1567
01:19:23,057 --> 01:19:25,660
Everybody except José.
1568
01:19:25,727 --> 01:19:27,929
Yeah, you shove
the stick up his ass.
1569
01:19:30,498 --> 01:19:33,401
I think I'd rather have that.
1570
01:19:33,468 --> 01:19:34,969
You have a stick.
1571
01:19:35,036 --> 01:19:35,970
What?
1572
01:19:36,037 --> 01:19:38,473
(shrieks)
1573
01:19:38,539 --> 01:19:39,874
What the hell was that?!
1574
01:19:39,941 --> 01:19:42,510
That's how I work your arm.
1575
01:19:42,577 --> 01:19:44,579
(muffled scream)
1576
01:19:50,785 --> 01:19:53,087
That explains
why that one sucks.
1577
01:19:58,826 --> 01:20:00,261
Just read this.
1578
01:20:00,328 --> 01:20:03,931
(Chinese accent):
"Missa Peanut..."
1579
01:20:03,998 --> 01:20:05,500
Come on.
Let me stay in character.
1580
01:20:05,566 --> 01:20:06,701
All right.
1581
01:20:06,768 --> 01:20:09,337
"Why you make fun
of just a-Chinese people?
1582
01:20:09,404 --> 01:20:10,872
Why not make fun of...?"
1583
01:20:10,938 --> 01:20:12,340
(normal voice):
What does that say?
1584
01:20:12,407 --> 01:20:15,410
"People who are brack?"
1585
01:20:15,476 --> 01:20:17,078
(belly laugh)
1586
01:20:29,424 --> 01:20:31,459
You are so stupid!
1587
01:20:34,062 --> 01:20:36,698
(nasal laugh)
1588
01:20:36,764 --> 01:20:38,566
I think he's talking
about African Americans.
1589
01:20:38,633 --> 01:20:40,868
Yes, he is!
1590
01:20:40,935 --> 01:20:43,938
Why does everyone here
know that but you?!
1591
01:20:45,707 --> 01:20:46,941
Just read it.
1592
01:20:47,008 --> 01:20:48,443
(nasal snickering)
1593
01:20:49,344 --> 01:20:52,347
(panting)
1594
01:20:52,413 --> 01:20:55,650
"De're much funnier saying
things like, 'Yo, yo, dawgie'
1595
01:20:55,717 --> 01:20:58,186
"and 'Where my money, bitch?'
1596
01:20:58,252 --> 01:21:01,889
"Sincery,
your biggest fan, Bob.
1597
01:21:06,327 --> 01:21:09,931
P.S. Your lucky numbers
are 18, 34, 46."
1598
01:21:15,670 --> 01:21:17,772
All right, Peanut, time
to introduce the next guy.
1599
01:21:17,839 --> 01:21:20,108
Oh, dude, does he have
to come out here?
1600
01:21:20,174 --> 01:21:21,109
Why not?
1601
01:21:21,175 --> 01:21:23,978
He's a talking jalapefio!
1602
01:21:24,045 --> 01:21:26,414
(audience cheering)
1603
01:21:27,749 --> 01:21:29,751
Go ahead.
1604
01:21:33,654 --> 01:21:37,191
On a stick-k!
1605
01:21:37,258 --> 01:21:38,192
$0?
1606
01:21:38,259 --> 01:21:39,494
How random is that?
1607
01:21:39,560 --> 01:21:41,462
Well, Jose, has been in
our act for years.
1608
01:21:41,529 --> 01:21:43,598
I know. And when folks see us,
1609
01:21:43,664 --> 01:21:44,599
do you know when
1610
01:21:44,665 --> 01:21:46,801
they say the best
time to watch José is?
1611
01:21:46,868 --> 01:21:49,570
-When? -When they're drunk
off their asses.
1612
01:21:49,637 --> 01:21:53,040
In fact, isn't that how you came
up with him in the first place?
1613
01:21:53,107 --> 01:21:54,142
I don't know.
1614
01:21:54,208 --> 01:21:55,576
But I do know that's when
1615
01:21:55,643 --> 01:21:57,645
I came up with you.
1616
01:21:59,147 --> 01:22:00,648
You jerk!
1617
01:22:00,715 --> 01:22:02,049
Just introduce him.
1618
01:22:02,116 --> 01:22:06,554
Ladies and gentlemen, here is
Jose Jalapefio on a Stick!
1619
01:22:06,621 --> 01:22:08,623
(audience cheering)
1620
01:22:25,373 --> 01:22:26,441
Good evening, José.
1621
01:22:26,507 --> 01:22:27,875
Hola, Sefior Jeff.
1622
01:22:27,942 --> 01:22:30,912
How are hue...? Whoops.
1623
01:22:30,978 --> 01:22:34,749
What the hell was that?
1624
01:22:34,816 --> 01:22:37,084
Were you trying
to say, "How are you?"
1625
01:22:37,151 --> 01:22:39,487
and it came out, "Haa-a-ah?"
1626
01:22:43,357 --> 01:22:47,562
Why is that we speak perfectly
and you fuck up?
1627
01:22:47,628 --> 01:22:49,630
(laughter and cheering)
1628
01:22:53,568 --> 01:22:54,836
I don't know.
1629
01:22:54,902 --> 01:22:57,472
Would you like me
to help you?
1630
01:22:57,538 --> 01:22:58,773
- I'm fine.
- Come on. Follow me
1631
01:22:58,840 --> 01:22:59,941
-one word at a time.
- No.
1632
01:23:00,007 --> 01:23:01,042
Come on. Just do it.
1633
01:23:01,108 --> 01:23:02,910
Do it!
1634
01:23:02,977 --> 01:23:03,744
_()kay.
_()kay.
1635
01:23:03,811 --> 01:23:04,679
-How...
-How...
1636
01:23:04,745 --> 01:23:05,680
-are...
-are...
1637
01:23:05,746 --> 01:23:06,714
‘YOU-you?
‘YOU-you?
1638
01:23:06,781 --> 01:23:07,548
-Good-good.
-Good-good.
1639
01:23:07,615 --> 01:23:08,749
- All right.
- All right.
1640
01:23:08,816 --> 01:23:11,085
(audience cheering)
1641
01:23:16,491 --> 01:23:17,658
How are you, José?
1642
01:23:17,725 --> 01:23:21,162
I don't know. It took too long.
1643
01:23:21,229 --> 01:23:23,731
Actually, I'm excited, sefior.
1644
01:23:23,798 --> 01:23:25,299
Why are you excited, José?
1645
01:23:25,366 --> 01:23:27,535
Probably 'cause you're
holding his stick.
1646
01:23:33,774 --> 01:23:35,409
Do you have
to do jokes like that?
1647
01:23:35,476 --> 01:23:38,079
It's just weird to me
that in front of everyone,
1648
01:23:38,145 --> 01:23:39,647
you're holding José's stick-k.
1649
01:23:40,848 --> 01:23:41,849
AW Suggestions?
1650
01:23:41,916 --> 01:23:43,150
You should at least
1651
01:23:43,217 --> 01:23:45,119
take him out to dinner first.
1652
01:23:46,354 --> 01:23:47,522
It's just a stick.
1653
01:23:47,588 --> 01:23:49,357
Maybe it's actually a handle.
1654
01:23:49,423 --> 01:23:50,591
A handle?
1655
01:23:50,658 --> 01:23:52,593
Yeah, you could use José
as a weapon.
1656
01:23:52,660 --> 01:23:54,362
-To hit with?
-Yes!
1657
01:23:54,428 --> 01:23:57,565
I want to go back in the box.
1658
01:23:57,632 --> 01:24:00,835
No, this is awesome!
"What happened to Frank?"
1659
01:24:00,902 --> 01:24:02,470
"He got whacked by a jalapefio."
1660
01:24:02,537 --> 01:24:05,806
-On a stick.
-Yes!
1661
01:24:05,873 --> 01:24:06,807
Think about it.
1662
01:24:06,874 --> 01:24:11,012
You'd be wielding
a Mexican whacker.
1663
01:24:11,078 --> 01:24:14,148
-On a stick.
-Yes!
1664
01:24:14,215 --> 01:24:16,684
Look, you know how
Batman had his sidekick Robin
1665
01:24:16,751 --> 01:24:18,586
and one of their weapons
was a batarang?
1666
01:24:18,653 --> 01:24:20,922
Yes, of course.
1667
01:24:22,557 --> 01:24:24,825
Oh, dude.
1668
01:24:24,892 --> 01:24:25,927
What?
1669
01:24:25,993 --> 01:24:28,429
You just showed your geek.
1670
01:24:28,496 --> 01:24:29,430
(sniff$)
1671
01:24:29,497 --> 01:24:32,500
And it smells like loser.
1672
01:24:33,868 --> 01:24:36,437
You're not a loser, sefior.
1673
01:24:36,504 --> 01:24:37,672
Thank you, José.
1674
01:24:37,738 --> 01:24:40,041
Suck-up.
1675
01:24:40,107 --> 01:24:42,276
Muppet reject.
1676
01:24:42,343 --> 01:24:43,878
(laughter)
1677
01:24:50,818 --> 01:24:52,753
Hey, he can drop you,
1678
01:24:52,820 --> 01:24:54,755
and then I'll throw down
a couple avocados.
1679
01:24:54,822 --> 01:24:57,792
and we got guacamole!
1680
01:24:57,858 --> 01:25:00,394
I could still burn your ass.
1681
01:25:02,663 --> 01:25:03,598
Good point.
1682
01:25:03,664 --> 01:25:04,799
All right. (chuckles)
1683
01:25:04,865 --> 01:25:06,133
-Look...
-Wait!
1684
01:25:06,200 --> 01:25:07,602
The Batman thing just made me
think of something.
1685
01:25:07,668 --> 01:25:10,104
-What? -If this comedy business
doesn't work out for you,
1686
01:25:10,171 --> 01:25:12,640
-Yeah?
-you can be a crime fighter.
1687
01:25:12,707 --> 01:25:13,941
A crime fighter?
1688
01:25:14,008 --> 01:25:18,245
Yes. You could be Dunham Man...
1689
01:25:18,312 --> 01:25:21,949
with José, your trusty
sidestick. (chortles)
1690
01:25:22,016 --> 01:25:26,087
I see. So you're saying
I would be a superhero.
1691
01:25:26,153 --> 01:25:28,756
Mm, ...ish.
1692
01:25:28,823 --> 01:25:31,826
"|sh"? It this like Jewish?
1693
01:25:31,892 --> 01:25:34,695
No, Jose, you're not Jewish
'cause then you wouldn't be
1694
01:25:34,762 --> 01:25:37,131
José Jalapefio.
You'd be Hymie Jalapefio.
1695
01:25:38,699 --> 01:25:41,235
On a bagel. (laughs)
1696
01:25:41,302 --> 01:25:44,572
Where would you hold him, then?
1697
01:25:44,639 --> 01:25:45,773
(chortles)
1698
01:25:45,840 --> 01:25:47,975
In the hole.
1699
01:25:53,014 --> 01:25:56,217
I am not touching that.
1700
01:25:56,283 --> 01:25:58,152
No, you probably never have.
1701
01:25:58,219 --> 01:26:00,421
(audience gasps)
1702
01:26:05,026 --> 01:26:05,993
Okay.
1703
01:26:06,060 --> 01:26:07,695
This sucks!
1704
01:26:07,762 --> 01:26:10,598
-So we're a crime-fighting
team, sefior? -Yes!
1705
01:26:10,665 --> 01:26:12,667
What kind of crime do we fight?
1706
01:26:12,733 --> 01:26:14,902
Illegal aliens.
1707
01:26:14,969 --> 01:26:18,539
I think there's
a conflict of interest.
1708
01:26:18,606 --> 01:26:22,543
Look, so you find the illegals,
whack 'em on the head with Jose,
1709
01:26:22,610 --> 01:26:24,445
and every time José hits
someone, he yells...
1710
01:26:24,512 --> 01:26:26,847
-Olé.
-Yes!
1711
01:26:26,914 --> 01:26:28,916
Pretty cool, huh?
1712
01:26:28,983 --> 01:26:29,950
I guess so.
1713
01:26:30,017 --> 01:26:33,721
But, urn, do I get a costume?
1714
01:26:36,590 --> 01:26:37,558
What?
1715
01:26:37,625 --> 01:26:41,062
Anything from those
earlier photos.
1716
01:26:50,337 --> 01:26:54,308
I'd go with the
red shorts, sefior.
1717
01:26:54,375 --> 01:26:57,545
Yeah, then you'd be
Ugly-Ass Crackerman.
1718
01:26:57,611 --> 01:26:59,814
(laughs)
1719
01:26:59,880 --> 01:27:01,215
Okay, look, for this
crime-fighting thing,
1720
01:27:01,282 --> 01:27:02,616
how's José gonna dress?
1721
01:27:02,683 --> 01:27:03,984
Well, he needs a disguise.
1722
01:27:04,051 --> 01:27:07,288
ls difficult to
hide a big stick.
1723
01:27:10,524 --> 01:27:12,793
I'm not saying anything.
1724
01:27:12,860 --> 01:27:14,562
Of course not.
You're still holding it.
1725
01:27:16,163 --> 01:27:18,799
José, I don't know how
you put up with this.
1726
01:27:18,866 --> 01:27:20,701
- I have nowhere else
to go, sefior. -What?
1727
01:27:20,768 --> 01:27:21,736
He was evicted.
1728
01:27:21,802 --> 01:27:22,737
-What?
-Evicted.
1729
01:27:22,803 --> 01:27:24,038
-Really?
-Yep. -S|'.
1730
01:27:24,105 --> 01:27:25,506
-You were evicted?
-S|'.
1731
01:27:25,573 --> 01:27:27,908
Why didn't you come
to my house?
1732
01:27:27,975 --> 01:27:30,044
(snickering)
1733
01:27:32,012 --> 01:27:34,615
JOSE: Ask Peanut.
1734
01:27:34,682 --> 01:27:37,451
Why didn't he come
to my house?
1735
01:27:37,518 --> 01:27:40,521
We told him you loved
eating Mexican food!
1736
01:27:43,991 --> 01:27:46,660
I was afraid for my life.
1737
01:27:46,727 --> 01:27:49,130
So where'd you take him?
1738
01:27:49,196 --> 01:27:51,165
Taco Bell!
1739
01:27:51,232 --> 01:27:53,567
(laughter)
1740
01:27:55,603 --> 01:27:56,670
That was really mean.
1741
01:27:56,737 --> 01:27:58,706
I know!
1742
01:27:58,773 --> 01:28:02,076
Hey, look. What about moving
all of José's stuff'?
1743
01:28:02,143 --> 01:28:05,146
Achmed tried to rent a truck.
1744
01:28:09,984 --> 01:28:11,318
No bueno.
1745
01:28:11,385 --> 01:28:13,721
(chuckles) So did Walter help?
1746
01:28:13,788 --> 01:28:15,556
He couldn't because
of his war injury.
1747
01:28:15,623 --> 01:28:17,091
Walter has a war injury?
1748
01:28:17,158 --> 01:28:20,828
Yeah, he strained his thumb
playing Call of Duty: Black Ops.
1749
01:28:22,496 --> 01:28:24,098
So you and Achmed
did everything.
1750
01:28:24,165 --> 01:28:26,100
Yep. José didn't lift a finger.
1751
01:28:26,167 --> 01:28:27,401
(laughing)
1752
01:28:27,468 --> 01:28:32,106
(laughing):
'Cause he doesn't have a finger!
1753
01:28:32,173 --> 01:28:33,774
Hey, ever met Jose's sister?
1754
01:28:33,841 --> 01:28:35,743
-Don't do it.
-She's really hot.
1755
01:28:35,810 --> 01:28:38,946
(shrieking with laughter)
1756
01:28:39,013 --> 01:28:40,781
I'm just kidding, José.
1757
01:28:40,848 --> 01:28:46,120
I know. You're more into fruit.
1758
01:28:46,187 --> 01:28:47,454
- Hey!
- Hang on, you guys.
1759
01:28:47,521 --> 01:28:48,956
-No, you hang on.
-What?
1760
01:28:49,023 --> 01:28:50,457
Why are you laughing at him?
1761
01:28:50,524 --> 01:28:52,793
'Cause he's funny.
1762
01:28:52,860 --> 01:28:55,129
Oh, he is, is he? I know
what you're doing.
1763
01:28:55,196 --> 01:28:56,530
I'm not doing anything.
1764
01:28:56,597 --> 01:28:59,667
You're giving José
the better insults.
1765
01:29:02,803 --> 01:29:04,805
I'm just listening.
1766
01:29:09,143 --> 01:29:13,747
Don't give me that crap.
1767
01:29:13,814 --> 01:29:17,852
We all know this is all you.
1768
01:29:17,918 --> 01:29:22,189
If you get any closer, he's
going to whack you with me.
1769
01:29:24,792 --> 01:29:25,726
Whack.
1770
01:29:25,793 --> 01:29:28,629
Olé!
1771
01:29:28,696 --> 01:29:33,033
And that's José Jalapefio
on a Stick!
1772
01:29:33,100 --> 01:29:35,102
(applause and cheering)
1773
01:29:38,806 --> 01:29:40,774
Hey.
1774
01:29:40,841 --> 01:29:42,109
Wait a minute!
1775
01:29:42,176 --> 01:29:44,111
I... I forgot to
tell José something.
1776
01:29:44,178 --> 01:29:45,613
Open the box back up.
1777
01:29:45,679 --> 01:29:46,947
Immigration!
1778
01:29:47,014 --> 01:29:48,782
Stop m.
1779
01:29:48,849 --> 01:29:50,818
Well, he pissed me off.
1780
01:29:50,885 --> 01:29:52,686
Well, Peanut, it's about
time to end the evening.
1781
01:29:52,753 --> 01:29:54,121
No way!
What?
1782
01:29:54,188 --> 01:29:56,290
-I got one more thing to do.
-No, the show's about over.
1783
01:29:56,357 --> 01:29:57,958
-No it's not! I got
one more thing. -What?
1784
01:29:58,025 --> 01:29:59,960
Okay, look.
Just trust me on this.
1785
01:30:00,027 --> 01:30:01,295
I have a new hobby.
1786
01:30:01,362 --> 01:30:03,731
-A new hobby?
-Yes.
1787
01:30:03,797 --> 01:30:04,732
What is it?
1788
01:30:04,798 --> 01:30:07,801
I am now a ventriloquist, too.
1789
01:30:09,670 --> 01:30:10,738
No, you're not.
1790
01:30:10,804 --> 01:30:12,306
Yes, I am.
1791
01:30:16,477 --> 01:30:18,178
That was...
that was pretty good.
1792
01:30:18,245 --> 01:30:19,480
I know. Compared to me,
1793
01:30:19,546 --> 01:30:21,315
you suck.
1794
01:30:21,982 --> 01:30:22,917
Really?
1795
01:30:22,983 --> 01:30:24,385
Let me show you
how it's done.
1796
01:30:24,451 --> 01:30:26,253
-Well, you need a dummy.
-He's in the box.
1797
01:30:26,320 --> 01:30:29,924
-You have a dummy?
-Over here, sefior.
1798
01:30:29,990 --> 01:30:31,425
-He's... in the box?
-Yeah.
1799
01:30:31,492 --> 01:30:32,593
Right next to José.
1800
01:30:32,660 --> 01:30:34,094
-Can I get him out?
-Yep.
1801
01:30:34,161 --> 01:30:37,431
JOSE:
Don't touch my stick.
1802
01:30:37,498 --> 01:30:39,934
Careful!
1803
01:30:40,000 --> 01:30:41,435
What?
1804
01:30:41,502 --> 01:30:45,773
(whispering):
He's really ugly.
1805
01:30:45,839 --> 01:30:48,776
JOSE:
He is ugly, sefior.
1806
01:30:48,842 --> 01:30:52,446
He is nasty-looking.
1807
01:30:52,513 --> 01:30:55,516
JOSE: He's so scary,
I wet my stick.
1808
01:30:57,985 --> 01:31:00,387
-But he's right here. -He's
the only other guy in there,
1809
01:31:00,454 --> 01:31:01,722
check it out, look, look, look!
1810
01:31:01,789 --> 01:31:04,858
All right, let's see
this, here we go...
1811
01:31:06,961 --> 01:31:08,963
(cheering and applause)
1812
01:31:17,705 --> 01:31:19,573
I thought
you said he was ugly.
1813
01:31:19,640 --> 01:31:21,742
He is!
1814
01:31:21,809 --> 01:31:23,410
He looks a little like me.
1815
01:31:23,477 --> 01:31:26,580
No... he looks a lot like you!
1816
01:31:26,647 --> 01:31:27,581
This isn't funny.
1817
01:31:27,648 --> 01:31:30,918
Then why is everyone
else laughing?
1818
01:31:30,985 --> 01:31:33,087
JOSE:
I laugh, too, sefior.
1819
01:31:33,153 --> 01:31:35,889
I laugh so hard
I crack my stick.
1820
01:31:35,956 --> 01:31:37,458
-Do you know how to work this?
-Of course I do.
1821
01:31:37,524 --> 01:31:38,892
You know there's a little
lever down there...
1822
01:31:38,959 --> 01:31:40,227
- I know.
- You grab onto the lever...
1823
01:31:40,294 --> 01:31:41,428
-I know.
-and you pull on it...
1824
01:31:41,495 --> 01:31:42,963
-I know! -Now, do you have
a hold of the lever?
1825
01:31:43,030 --> 01:31:45,499
He's got a hold of something.
1826
01:31:47,167 --> 01:31:49,436
See, I can do this, too!
1827
01:31:49,503 --> 01:31:52,106
-Fantastic.
-How are you, little ugly Jeff?
1828
01:31:52,172 --> 01:31:53,607
-Not good.
-Wait, wait, wait a minute.
1829
01:31:53,674 --> 01:31:55,042
You're going to
call him Ugly Jeff?
1830
01:31:55,109 --> 01:31:56,377
Oh, no, no, no, no.
1831
01:31:56,443 --> 01:31:59,113
Little Ugly Jeff.
1832
01:31:59,179 --> 01:32:00,447
ls there any other name?
1833
01:32:00,514 --> 01:32:03,684
Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?
1834
01:32:03,751 --> 01:32:06,387
I like that.
1835
01:32:06,453 --> 01:32:07,388
JOSE:
Me, too, sefior.
1836
01:32:07,454 --> 01:32:08,589
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
1837
01:32:08,655 --> 01:32:10,224
Wait a minute.
1838
01:32:10,290 --> 01:32:12,393
I would prefer you didn't
use the word "ass."
1839
01:32:12,459 --> 01:32:14,895
Oh, I didn't really.
It's all one word.
1840
01:32:14,962 --> 01:32:17,064
Little Ugly Ass Jeff.
1841
01:32:17,131 --> 01:32:20,134
Ass Jeff, Ass Jeff,
I am Ass Jeff.
1842
01:32:21,568 --> 01:32:22,736
See? It's good.
1843
01:32:22,803 --> 01:32:24,405
JOSE: Bravo!
-Gracias. -De nada.
1844
01:32:24,471 --> 01:32:27,441
This is ridiculous.
1845
01:32:27,508 --> 01:32:29,676
(cheering)
1846
01:32:36,884 --> 01:32:39,953
So, how are you,
Little Ugly Ass Jeff?
1847
01:32:40,020 --> 01:32:41,622
I'm sad, Handsome Peanut.
1848
01:32:41,688 --> 01:32:43,757
Wait, wait a minute.
1849
01:32:43,824 --> 01:32:45,092
Handsome Peanut?
1850
01:32:45,159 --> 01:32:50,097
Yes, Peanut is very handsome,
unlike you, Ugly Ass Jeff.
1851
01:32:50,164 --> 01:32:51,498
-He is me.
-Good point.
1852
01:32:51,565 --> 01:32:54,168
- I hate my ugly-ass self.
- All right.
1853
01:32:54,234 --> 01:32:57,104
-He said he was sad.
-I heard him.
1854
01:32:57,171 --> 01:32:58,605
Why are you sad, Ass Jeff?
1855
01:32:58,672 --> 01:32:59,940
Because I'm a loser.
1856
01:33:00,007 --> 01:33:01,708
Yeah, that is sad.
1857
01:33:01,775 --> 01:33:03,210
-And he's ugly.
-And I'm ugly.
1858
01:33:03,277 --> 01:33:04,244
-Thank you.
-ls okay.
1859
01:33:04,311 --> 01:33:06,513
Will you stop this?
1860
01:33:06,580 --> 01:33:08,582
That's a shame,
Little Ugly Ass Jeff.
1861
01:33:08,649 --> 01:33:11,952
I have no idea how I
made it this far in life.
1862
01:33:12,019 --> 01:33:14,388
- Me neither.
- No one does.
1863
01:33:14,455 --> 01:33:17,558
-I suck.
-All right.
1864
01:33:17,624 --> 01:33:19,393
Maybe you can make up
for your loserness
1865
01:33:19,460 --> 01:33:21,061
by having a good personality.
1866
01:33:21,128 --> 01:33:22,229
- No.
- Doubtful. -No way.
1867
01:33:22,296 --> 01:33:23,464
- I'm sorry.
- Me, too.
1868
01:33:23,530 --> 01:33:25,532
Okay, look.
1869
01:33:34,808 --> 01:33:38,245
You guys really
think this is funny.
1870
01:33:38,312 --> 01:33:39,580
-Oh yes.
-S|'. -Definitely.
1871
01:33:39,646 --> 01:33:42,249
-The truth hurts.
-Okay.
1872
01:33:42,316 --> 01:33:43,750
I'll tell you what, Peanut,
you think that's funny?
1873
01:33:43,817 --> 01:33:45,252
I have something here
that you're going to like.
1874
01:33:45,319 --> 01:33:46,753
-What?
-Just trust me.
1875
01:33:46,820 --> 01:33:49,823
You're going to love this.
1876
01:33:52,025 --> 01:33:54,027
What the fuck is that?
1877
01:33:57,131 --> 01:34:00,100
Hi, look at me!
I'm a little idiot!
1878
01:34:00,167 --> 01:34:01,535
(high-pitched giggles)
1879
01:34:01,602 --> 01:34:03,937
-That is not funny.
-Yes, it is!
1880
01:34:04,004 --> 01:34:05,372
-No, it's not!
-I think it is.
1881
01:34:05,439 --> 01:34:06,874
JOSE: Me, too.
-LOL. -Shut up!
1882
01:34:06,940 --> 01:34:10,177
You guys have been awesome.
Thank you. Good night.
1883
01:34:12,045 --> 01:34:14,014
(rock music plays)
1884
01:34:44,144 --> 01:34:46,113
II
1885
01:35:14,174 --> 01:35:16,176
II
1886
01:35:18,445 --> 01:35:19,546
You guys are awesome!
1887
01:35:19,613 --> 01:35:21,515
We'll see you next time!
Good night!
1888
01:35:33,393 --> 01:35:36,129
(beeping)
1889
01:35:39,399 --> 01:35:41,401
II
1890
01:36:08,996 --> 01:36:10,998
II
1891
01:36:39,059 --> 01:36:41,061
II