1 00:00:00,199 --> 00:00:02,798 - This program is rated TV ma-l and contains strong language 2 00:00:02,799 --> 00:00:03,998 and adult content. 3 00:00:03,999 --> 00:00:05,498 Viewer discretion advised. 4 00:00:05,499 --> 00:00:08,498 - This is the comedy central roast of Donald trump. 5 00:00:08,499 --> 00:00:09,498 [Three 6 mafia's it's hard out here for a pimp] 6 00:00:09,499 --> 00:00:10,498 - ♪ Know it's hard out here 7 00:00:10,499 --> 00:00:12,498 ♪ for a pimp 8 00:00:12,499 --> 00:00:13,498 ♪ when he trying to get this money ♪ 9 00:00:13,499 --> 00:00:15,498 ♪ for the rent 10 00:00:15,499 --> 00:00:17,498 ♪ for the Cadillacs and gas money spent ♪ 11 00:00:17,499 --> 00:00:19,499 - Let's go. - Starring... 12 00:00:20,499 --> 00:00:22,498 - No, you have to. 13 00:00:22,499 --> 00:00:25,499 It's the president. - ♪ so I'm praying 14 00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:33,498 - good morning, Mr. trump. 15 00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:34,498 - How are you? 16 00:00:34,499 --> 00:00:36,499 - Hello, everybody. 17 00:00:38,499 --> 00:00:39,498 - I have a deal for you to finalize. 18 00:00:39,499 --> 00:00:42,498 - Good. 19 00:00:42,499 --> 00:00:44,498 - ♪ When he trying to get this money for the rent ♪ 20 00:00:44,499 --> 00:00:46,498 - I like that. - ♪ for the Cadillacs 21 00:00:46,499 --> 00:00:48,498 ♪ and gas money spent - thanks. 22 00:00:48,499 --> 00:00:50,498 - Yeah, I'm getting him to the roast now. 23 00:00:50,499 --> 00:00:56,498 - And your roast master Seth macfarlane. 24 00:00:56,499 --> 00:00:59,498 - ♪ You know it's hard out here for a pimp ♪ 25 00:00:59,499 --> 00:01:02,498 - Ready? - They've got nothing on me. 26 00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:04,498 - The comedy central roast of Donald trump. 27 00:01:04,499 --> 00:01:08,498 And now please welcome your roast master, 28 00:01:08,499 --> 00:01:10,498 Seth macfarlane. 29 00:01:10,499 --> 00:01:13,499 [Cheers and applause] 30 00:01:15,499 --> 00:01:17,498 - Thank you. 31 00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:21,498 Hey. 32 00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,498 Thank you. Thank you. 33 00:01:23,499 --> 00:01:24,498 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 34 00:01:24,499 --> 00:01:25,498 I'm Seth mcfarlane, 35 00:01:25,499 --> 00:01:28,498 and welcome to the comedy central roast 36 00:01:28,499 --> 00:01:29,498 of Donald trump. 37 00:01:29,499 --> 00:01:31,499 [Cheers and applause] 38 00:01:35,499 --> 00:01:37,498 Or as Donald calls it, the trump comedy central 39 00:01:37,499 --> 00:01:41,498 trump roast of Donald trump trump trump trump trump. 40 00:01:41,499 --> 00:01:43,498 How do you prepare for a night like this? 41 00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:45,498 Personally, I smoked a lot of pot. 42 00:01:45,499 --> 00:01:47,498 [Cheers and applause] 43 00:01:47,499 --> 00:01:49,498 And clearly don't give a shit about this show. 44 00:01:49,499 --> 00:01:52,498 So I'm--I'm kind of the perfect host 45 00:01:52,499 --> 00:01:54,498 for this roast or for the oscars. 46 00:01:54,499 --> 00:01:58,498 [Laughter] 47 00:01:58,499 --> 00:02:00,498 Before we get started, though, 48 00:02:00,499 --> 00:02:01,498 I do have some sad news. 49 00:02:01,499 --> 00:02:05,498 Recently, the roast lost a very talented and beloved performer, 50 00:02:05,499 --> 00:02:07,498 and it would be wrong not to acknowledge him 51 00:02:07,499 --> 00:02:09,498 and to say how much he'll be missed. 52 00:02:09,499 --> 00:02:11,498 Larry king died ten minutes ago. 53 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:15,499 [Laughter and applause] 54 00:02:24,499 --> 00:02:26,498 Come on, Larry, you're old. Don't deny it. 55 00:02:26,499 --> 00:02:29,498 Every time you lie, your balls grow longer. 56 00:02:29,499 --> 00:02:32,498 And we've got some other familiar faces 57 00:02:32,499 --> 00:02:34,498 up here on the dais. 58 00:02:34,499 --> 00:02:36,498 We've got Whitney cummings and Lisa lampanelli. 59 00:02:36,499 --> 00:02:38,499 [Cheers and applause] Very nice. 60 00:02:40,499 --> 00:02:44,498 Um, you ever play fuck, marry, kill? 61 00:02:44,499 --> 00:02:46,498 Let's see, I think I would fuck Whitney, 62 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,498 marry Lisa, and kill myself. 63 00:02:48,499 --> 00:02:52,498 [Laughter and applause] 64 00:02:52,499 --> 00:02:54,498 And my friend marlee matlin 65 00:02:54,499 --> 00:02:56,498 is here tonight. 66 00:02:56,499 --> 00:02:59,498 [Cheers and applause] 67 00:02:59,499 --> 00:03:02,498 It's fitting that marlee is here for the roast of trump, 68 00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:05,498 because marlee is appearing on the new celebrity apprentice. 69 00:03:05,499 --> 00:03:06,498 She will be competing for a charity 70 00:03:06,499 --> 00:03:08,498 that's yet to be announced, 71 00:03:08,499 --> 00:03:10,498 but will probably be some deaf bullshit. 72 00:03:10,499 --> 00:03:14,499 [Laughter] 73 00:03:16,499 --> 00:03:18,498 What does that-- what does that mean? 74 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:19,498 What am I doing? 75 00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:22,498 [Laughter] 76 00:03:22,499 --> 00:03:25,498 And snoop dogg is here. Wow. 77 00:03:25,499 --> 00:03:28,499 Hey. [Cheers and applause] 78 00:03:29,499 --> 00:03:31,498 Now, snoop, be honest, please. 79 00:03:31,499 --> 00:03:34,498 When you were backstage, did you... 80 00:03:34,499 --> 00:03:38,498 You know, blow Jeff Ross? 81 00:03:38,499 --> 00:03:39,498 [Cheers and applause] 82 00:03:39,499 --> 00:03:43,498 - Yes. Yes, he did. 83 00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:44,498 - Okay. I'm gonna remember that. 84 00:03:44,499 --> 00:03:48,498 - Now, since our man of the hour was foolish enough 85 00:03:48,499 --> 00:03:50,498 to agree to this, let's get started making 86 00:03:50,499 --> 00:03:53,498 one more piece of garbage with Donald trump's name on it... 87 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,498 [Laughter] 88 00:03:56,499 --> 00:04:00,498 And take a look back at some of his other bad decisions. 89 00:04:00,499 --> 00:04:02,498 - My name is Donald trump. 90 00:04:02,499 --> 00:04:05,498 The name is hot, and it sells. 91 00:04:05,499 --> 00:04:06,499 I own everything-- 92 00:04:07,499 --> 00:04:09,499 jetliners, golf courses... 93 00:04:12,499 --> 00:04:13,499 I own virtually everything. 94 00:04:16,499 --> 00:04:18,498 [Hip-hop music] 95 00:04:18,499 --> 00:04:21,498 No matter where I go in the world, people want me. 96 00:04:21,499 --> 00:04:23,498 So I had a lot of success. Success. 97 00:04:23,499 --> 00:04:28,498 Success. I believe in bragging about yourself. 98 00:04:28,499 --> 00:04:30,498 - Do you name things after yourself because you're afraid 99 00:04:30,499 --> 00:04:32,498 you won't be able to find them? 100 00:04:32,499 --> 00:04:34,498 - ♪ I whip my hair back and forth ♪ 101 00:04:34,499 --> 00:04:35,498 ♪ I whip my hair back and forth ♪ 102 00:04:35,499 --> 00:04:37,498 - It's my real hair, believe it or not. 103 00:04:37,499 --> 00:04:38,498 You know, it's actually mine. 104 00:04:38,499 --> 00:04:39,498 - I know it's not a hairpiece, 105 00:04:39,499 --> 00:04:41,498 but I have no idea what it is. 106 00:04:41,499 --> 00:04:43,498 - Looks like you killed a squirrel to me 107 00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:44,498 and put it right on top of your head. 108 00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:49,498 - It's the Rosie O'Donnell- Donald trump war, 109 00:04:49,499 --> 00:04:51,498 and it's on. - Rosie O'Donnell's disgusting. 110 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,498 I'd look her right in that fat, ugly face, 111 00:04:53,499 --> 00:04:55,499 and I'd say, "Rosie, you're fired." 112 00:04:56,499 --> 00:04:58,498 I'm gonna fire the asses off 113 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,498 each and every one of 'em. 114 00:05:00,499 --> 00:05:01,498 You're fired. You're fired. 115 00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:04,498 You were the project manager, 116 00:05:04,499 --> 00:05:07,498 and you lost, and I didn't like what you did. 117 00:05:07,499 --> 00:05:08,498 - It is gonna be a [Bleep] nightmare. 118 00:05:08,499 --> 00:05:09,498 - Joan is not gonna be happy. 119 00:05:09,499 --> 00:05:11,498 [Glass shatters] 120 00:05:11,499 --> 00:05:14,498 Frankly, if you were running a company, 121 00:05:14,499 --> 00:05:16,498 you'd destroy that company. 122 00:05:16,499 --> 00:05:18,498 You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. 123 00:05:18,499 --> 00:05:20,498 - You know, it felt good to fire someone. 124 00:05:20,499 --> 00:05:22,498 - It's actually fun, isn't it? 125 00:05:22,499 --> 00:05:24,498 [Rock music] 126 00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:31,498 ♪ 127 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:34,498 [Cheers and applause] 128 00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:36,498 - I still love you. 129 00:05:36,499 --> 00:05:39,498 - Please welcome the second worst tragedy 130 00:05:39,499 --> 00:05:41,498 ever to hit New York City. 131 00:05:41,499 --> 00:05:45,498 Ladies and gentlemen, Donald j. Trump. 132 00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:48,498 [Cheers and applause] 133 00:05:48,499 --> 00:05:51,498 [Bachman-Turner overdrive's takin' care of business] 134 00:05:51,499 --> 00:05:59,498 ♪ 135 00:05:59,499 --> 00:06:02,498 - ♪ and I'll be takin' care of business ♪ 136 00:06:02,499 --> 00:06:03,498 ♪ every day 137 00:06:03,499 --> 00:06:06,498 ♪ takin' care of business 138 00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:07,498 - wow. 139 00:06:07,499 --> 00:06:09,498 - ♪ I've been takin' care of business ♪ 140 00:06:09,499 --> 00:06:11,498 ♪ it's all mine 141 00:06:11,499 --> 00:06:13,498 - nice. 142 00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:14,498 Whoa. 143 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:18,498 ♪ 144 00:06:18,499 --> 00:06:22,499 [Applause] 145 00:06:23,499 --> 00:06:26,498 Oh, boy, oh, boy. 146 00:06:26,499 --> 00:06:27,498 - You know, it's good to see you, Donald. 147 00:06:27,499 --> 00:06:31,498 We've just met, but it's good to see you. 148 00:06:31,499 --> 00:06:33,498 Tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire. 149 00:06:33,499 --> 00:06:35,498 He started with nothing, worked hard, 150 00:06:35,499 --> 00:06:37,498 and made a fortune. 151 00:06:37,499 --> 00:06:39,498 That man is Fred trump, Donald's dad. 152 00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:43,498 [Laughter] 153 00:06:43,499 --> 00:06:47,498 [Cheers and applause] 154 00:06:47,499 --> 00:06:48,498 That's right. 155 00:06:48,499 --> 00:06:50,498 For all of his self-starter bullshit, 156 00:06:50,499 --> 00:06:53,498 he's basically Jaden Smith with a comb-over. 157 00:06:53,499 --> 00:06:57,499 [Laughter] 158 00:06:59,499 --> 00:07:00,498 You're a grown man. 159 00:07:00,499 --> 00:07:02,418 You got hair like Dennis the menace. 160 00:07:02,499 --> 00:07:04,498 What's going on here? 161 00:07:04,499 --> 00:07:09,498 Did you--did you fall headfirst into a cotton candy machine? 162 00:07:09,499 --> 00:07:11,498 What happened? 163 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,499 Um, by the way, the producers have asked me 164 00:07:14,499 --> 00:07:16,498 to interpret that last joke for the handicapped person 165 00:07:16,499 --> 00:07:17,498 on our stage. 166 00:07:17,499 --> 00:07:21,498 Duh, hey, situation... 167 00:07:21,499 --> 00:07:24,499 [Laughter, cheers, and applause] 168 00:07:29,499 --> 00:07:32,499 Rich guy have funny hair. 169 00:07:40,499 --> 00:07:41,498 And, Donald, as long as I have you here, 170 00:07:41,499 --> 00:07:46,498 it's pronounced "huge," not "yuge." 171 00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:47,498 And here's another one. 172 00:07:47,499 --> 00:07:50,498 It's pronounced, "I am fucking delusional," 173 00:07:50,499 --> 00:07:52,498 not "I am running for president." 174 00:07:52,499 --> 00:07:56,499 [Laughter] 175 00:07:59,499 --> 00:08:01,083 That's right. Trump says-- 176 00:08:01,084 --> 00:08:04,498 he says he's gonna run for president in 2012. 177 00:08:04,499 --> 00:08:06,499 [Cheers and applause] 178 00:08:10,499 --> 00:08:12,498 But if his plan for America 179 00:08:12,499 --> 00:08:16,498 is to fire everyone, he's about two years too late. 180 00:08:16,499 --> 00:08:18,498 But for me, 181 00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:20,498 it's kind of tough to vote for a guy 182 00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:23,499 whose resting facial expression is "who farted?" 183 00:08:28,499 --> 00:08:30,498 [Laughs] 184 00:08:30,499 --> 00:08:31,498 He also sells trump cologne, 185 00:08:31,499 --> 00:08:34,498 and, fellas, that stuff can really get you laid. 186 00:08:34,499 --> 00:08:36,498 Basically, you pour it onto a cloth 187 00:08:36,499 --> 00:08:39,498 and press it to a woman's face until she... 188 00:08:39,499 --> 00:08:41,498 [Laughter] 189 00:08:41,499 --> 00:08:45,498 Stops struggling. 190 00:08:45,499 --> 00:08:49,498 But even when you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, 191 00:08:49,499 --> 00:08:50,498 hard times can strike, 192 00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:52,498 and that's just what happened to Donald. 193 00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:55,498 He was even forced into the ultimate act of degradation-- 194 00:08:55,499 --> 00:08:58,498 starring in his own reality show. 195 00:08:58,499 --> 00:09:01,498 And soon the top-rated TV show in the nation 196 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,499 starred a total asshole torturing people 197 00:09:03,959 --> 00:09:06,498 who were stupid enough to work with him. 198 00:09:06,499 --> 00:09:07,498 In addition to two and a half men, 199 00:09:07,499 --> 00:09:12,498 the apprentice was also a pretty popular show. 200 00:09:12,499 --> 00:09:13,498 This guy has an ego. 201 00:09:13,499 --> 00:09:15,498 When trump bangs a supermodel, 202 00:09:15,499 --> 00:09:17,498 he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off. 203 00:09:17,499 --> 00:09:19,498 [Laughter] 204 00:09:19,499 --> 00:09:23,499 [Cheers and applause] 205 00:09:27,499 --> 00:09:28,498 All jokes aside, though, 206 00:09:28,499 --> 00:09:30,498 I was thrilled when they offered me 207 00:09:30,499 --> 00:09:32,498 the opportunity to roast such a brilliant, charismatic, 208 00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:35,498 totally self-made billionaire who I believe 209 00:09:35,499 --> 00:09:37,498 will one day run this country. 210 00:09:37,499 --> 00:09:39,498 Then the Facebook guy cancelled, 211 00:09:39,499 --> 00:09:42,498 and we got stuck with your bloated ass. 212 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,498 So congratulations on your big night, Mr. trump. 213 00:09:44,499 --> 00:09:48,499 [Cheers and applause] 214 00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:53,498 And now, Donald, let's get 215 00:09:53,499 --> 00:09:55,498 our first roaster up here to knock you down 216 00:09:55,499 --> 00:09:57,498 like the homeless shelter you had destroyed on the way here. 217 00:09:57,499 --> 00:09:59,500 So as she huffs and puffs 218 00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:02,498 and rolls her way to the podium, 219 00:10:02,499 --> 00:10:04,498 please welcome the queen of mean, 220 00:10:04,499 --> 00:10:06,498 Lisa lampanelli. 221 00:10:06,499 --> 00:10:09,499 [Cheers and applause] 222 00:10:14,499 --> 00:10:17,498 - Oh, thank you, Seth. 223 00:10:17,499 --> 00:10:20,498 I love Seth macfarlane. 224 00:10:20,499 --> 00:10:24,498 He's a handsome, well-groomed confirmed bachelor 225 00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,498 who sings show tunes. 226 00:10:26,499 --> 00:10:30,498 He's gayer than Ryan seacrest's asshole. 227 00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:33,498 [Laughter] 228 00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:36,498 I joke, Seth. I love your work. 229 00:10:36,499 --> 00:10:38,498 I especially like that weird baby 230 00:10:38,499 --> 00:10:41,498 you made with the enormous football-shaped head. 231 00:10:41,499 --> 00:10:45,498 Oh, wow, sorry, that was for my Sarah Palin roast. 232 00:10:45,499 --> 00:10:48,499 [Exclamations] 233 00:10:51,499 --> 00:10:54,498 Ah. Look at marlee, 234 00:10:54,499 --> 00:10:57,498 sitting up there like she's normal. 235 00:10:57,499 --> 00:10:59,498 Hey, marlee. 236 00:10:59,499 --> 00:11:01,498 You read lips, right? 237 00:11:01,499 --> 00:11:05,499 What's my camel toe saying? 238 00:11:11,499 --> 00:11:12,498 [Giggles] 239 00:11:12,499 --> 00:11:14,498 Wow. 240 00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:15,498 Look who it is. 241 00:11:15,499 --> 00:11:17,498 Larry king. 242 00:11:17,499 --> 00:11:20,498 Yes, Larry king 243 00:11:20,499 --> 00:11:21,498 is a legend. 244 00:11:21,499 --> 00:11:24,498 In this business, Larry king is known 245 00:11:24,499 --> 00:11:25,498 as a triple threat. 246 00:11:25,499 --> 00:11:28,498 At any time, he could have a heart attack, 247 00:11:28,499 --> 00:11:30,498 stroke, or shit his pants. 248 00:11:30,499 --> 00:11:33,498 [Laughter] 249 00:11:33,499 --> 00:11:36,498 Larry king is an elderly bastard. 250 00:11:36,499 --> 00:11:39,498 Seriously, those suspenders aren't for his pants. 251 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:40,498 They're for his balls. 252 00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:44,498 [Laughter] 253 00:11:44,499 --> 00:11:45,499 Speaking of old crips, 254 00:11:45,750 --> 00:11:47,498 snoop dogg is here. 255 00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:50,499 [Cheers and applause] 256 00:11:53,499 --> 00:11:56,499 On a past roast, snoop claimed I wanted to bang him. 257 00:11:57,209 --> 00:12:00,498 Please, if I want to bang a skinny black man 258 00:12:00,499 --> 00:12:04,498 with braids, I'll call Alicia keys. 259 00:12:04,499 --> 00:12:07,498 [Laughter] 260 00:12:07,499 --> 00:12:08,498 - Ooh. 261 00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:10,498 - Snoop's not the only musical artist 262 00:12:10,499 --> 00:12:11,498 on the dais. 263 00:12:11,499 --> 00:12:13,498 Marilyn manson is here. 264 00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:16,498 Oh, I'm sorry. That's Whitney cummings. 265 00:12:16,499 --> 00:12:18,498 You know, Whitney, 266 00:12:18,499 --> 00:12:20,498 people in this business hate you 267 00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:23,498 because you're beautiful and thin. 268 00:12:23,499 --> 00:12:24,498 Not me. 269 00:12:24,499 --> 00:12:26,498 I hate you because you're a cunt. 270 00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:29,498 [Laughter] 271 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,498 Anthony jeselnik is here. 272 00:12:31,499 --> 00:12:33,498 I'll pause for a few moments 273 00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:34,498 so those of you at home 274 00:12:34,499 --> 00:12:37,498 can Wikipedia him. 275 00:12:37,499 --> 00:12:41,498 [Laughter] 276 00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:43,498 It's great you're here, Anthony. 277 00:12:43,499 --> 00:12:44,498 What happened? 278 00:12:44,499 --> 00:12:48,498 Is Daniel tosh busy getting fisted in key west? 279 00:12:48,499 --> 00:12:50,667 [Laughter] 280 00:12:51,499 --> 00:12:53,498 It's great to see my old friend Jeffrey Ross 281 00:12:53,499 --> 00:12:56,498 here tonight, doing what he does best-- 282 00:12:56,499 --> 00:13:00,498 sitting and watching funny people tell jokes. 283 00:13:00,499 --> 00:13:05,498 Wow, Jeff, you're even uglier than you were last year. 284 00:13:05,499 --> 00:13:07,498 Look at that hair. Look at that mop. 285 00:13:07,499 --> 00:13:10,499 I've seen better hair on Susan boyle's taint. 286 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:12,498 [Laughter] 287 00:13:12,499 --> 00:13:15,498 Don't you laugh at a hair joke, trump. 288 00:13:15,499 --> 00:13:16,498 Look at that helmet. 289 00:13:16,499 --> 00:13:17,498 What do you say to a barber 290 00:13:17,499 --> 00:13:19,498 to get that type of hair cut? 291 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:20,498 "I fucked your daughter"? 292 00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:24,498 [Laughter] 293 00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:28,498 Situation from the Jersey shore. 294 00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:30,498 You're all over television. 295 00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:31,498 And you have a book out. 296 00:13:31,499 --> 00:13:33,499 I tried ordering your book 297 00:13:34,499 --> 00:13:35,498 298 00:13:35,499 --> 00:13:38,498 Amazon said customers who bought this book 299 00:13:38,499 --> 00:13:42,498 also bought a rope and a stool. 300 00:13:42,499 --> 00:13:45,498 [Laughter] 301 00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:49,499 But enough about chachi. 302 00:13:51,499 --> 00:13:54,498 Let's get to the reason we're all here tonight-- 303 00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:56,498 Donald trump. 304 00:13:56,499 --> 00:14:00,498 Donald, tonight, people will make fun of your looks. 305 00:14:00,499 --> 00:14:01,498 Fuck 'em! 306 00:14:01,499 --> 00:14:03,498 You've always gotten beautiful women. 307 00:14:03,499 --> 00:14:08,498 You've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. 308 00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:11,498 You've disappointed more women 309 00:14:11,499 --> 00:14:14,498 than sex and the city 2. 310 00:14:14,499 --> 00:14:16,498 You are the ultimate proof 311 00:14:16,499 --> 00:14:21,498 that money can buy good-looking pussy. 312 00:14:21,499 --> 00:14:25,498 If you were broke, you'd be fuckin' me. 313 00:14:25,499 --> 00:14:30,498 [Cheers and applause] 314 00:14:30,499 --> 00:14:34,498 But that's all behind him now. 315 00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:39,498 Donald is very happy with his lovely wife "insert name here." 316 00:14:39,499 --> 00:14:41,498 [Laughter] I joke. 317 00:14:41,499 --> 00:14:44,498 Donald's wife's name is melania, 318 00:14:44,499 --> 00:14:47,498 which is slovenian for "get that wrinkled penis 319 00:14:47,499 --> 00:14:49,499 off of me." 320 00:14:52,499 --> 00:14:55,498 In closing, I would like to thank you, 321 00:14:55,499 --> 00:14:58,499 Donald trump, for letting me make fun of you tonight. 322 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:03,498 Mr. trump, you are someone to be admired. 323 00:15:03,499 --> 00:15:06,498 You have overcome obstacles to become a huge success. 324 00:15:06,499 --> 00:15:09,498 You've put up more worthless hotels 325 00:15:09,499 --> 00:15:13,499 than an autistic kid playing monopoly. 326 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,498 Still you have made trump 327 00:15:19,499 --> 00:15:21,498 more than just a name. 328 00:15:21,499 --> 00:15:23,498 You've made it a brand. 329 00:15:23,499 --> 00:15:26,498 A brand. Like massengill. 330 00:15:26,499 --> 00:15:29,498 Because you're a bloated, stinky douche. 331 00:15:29,499 --> 00:15:31,498 Thank you. Good night. 332 00:15:31,499 --> 00:15:36,498 [Cheers and applause] 333 00:15:36,499 --> 00:15:37,498 - Coming up, 334 00:15:37,499 --> 00:15:39,498 Larry king, snoop dogg, 335 00:15:39,499 --> 00:15:41,498 Whitney cummings, the situation, 336 00:15:41,499 --> 00:15:44,498 marlee matlin, Anthony jeselnik, 337 00:15:44,499 --> 00:15:45,499 and Jeff Ross. 338 00:15:47,271 --> 00:15:52,570 [Cheers and applause] 339 00:15:53,571 --> 00:15:56,570 - Welcome back to the roast of Donald trump. 340 00:15:56,571 --> 00:15:57,570 Uh, now we do want to take a quick moment 341 00:15:57,571 --> 00:16:00,570 between cock jokes to acknowledge the loss 342 00:16:00,571 --> 00:16:02,570 of a brilliant comedian 343 00:16:02,571 --> 00:16:05,570 and one of the all-time great roasters, Greg giraldo. 344 00:16:05,571 --> 00:16:09,570 [Cheers and applause] 345 00:16:09,571 --> 00:16:11,570 We want to thank him for all the laughs he brought us 346 00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,570 and recognize all the big laughs 347 00:16:13,571 --> 00:16:15,570 that he would have brought us here tonight. 348 00:16:15,571 --> 00:16:16,570 Greg, we will miss you. 349 00:16:16,571 --> 00:16:22,570 [Cheers and applause] 350 00:16:22,571 --> 00:16:23,571 Well, tonight we are proud and happy 351 00:16:23,739 --> 00:16:26,570 to be joined by Larry king. 352 00:16:26,571 --> 00:16:28,570 As a TV host, he knew exactly when to retire, 353 00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:31,570 but he stayed another 20 years anyway. 354 00:16:31,571 --> 00:16:32,570 [Laughter] 355 00:16:32,571 --> 00:16:35,198 He has a spine like a question mark, 356 00:16:35,571 --> 00:16:36,570 as if his body is asking, 357 00:16:36,571 --> 00:16:38,570 "how did I get seven women to fuck me?" 358 00:16:38,571 --> 00:16:39,570 [Laughter] 359 00:16:39,571 --> 00:16:42,570 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 360 00:16:42,571 --> 00:16:45,570 a chattering pirate skeleton on loan from Disneyland, 361 00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:48,570 my pal, Larry king. 362 00:16:48,571 --> 00:16:54,571 [Cheers and applause] 363 00:17:02,571 --> 00:17:04,570 - This is my career? 364 00:17:04,571 --> 00:17:06,570 It's come to this? 365 00:17:06,571 --> 00:17:10,570 It's a thrill to be here, roasting my dear friend. 366 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,570 To prepare for this event, 367 00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:15,570 I read Jeff Ross' book about roasts. 368 00:17:15,571 --> 00:17:18,570 Jeff, my last pre-nup was funnier. 369 00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:20,570 [Laughter] 370 00:17:20,571 --> 00:17:23,570 And unlike you, I wrote it myself. 371 00:17:23,571 --> 00:17:26,570 [Laughter] 372 00:17:26,571 --> 00:17:28,570 Let's take some calls. 373 00:17:28,571 --> 00:17:31,570 [Laughs] 374 00:17:31,571 --> 00:17:33,570 [Laughter] 375 00:17:33,571 --> 00:17:35,570 My good friend snoop dogg said that Jeff's book 376 00:17:35,571 --> 00:17:37,570 was unreadable. 377 00:17:37,571 --> 00:17:40,570 But that's because snoop can't read. 378 00:17:40,571 --> 00:17:43,570 [Laughter] 379 00:17:43,571 --> 00:17:45,571 If you're just joining us, by the way, 380 00:17:46,364 --> 00:17:48,570 we're here with Lisa lumpy belly. 381 00:17:48,571 --> 00:17:51,570 [Laughter] 382 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,570 Lisa is a shock comic, 383 00:17:53,571 --> 00:17:55,570 but only if you look at her face. 384 00:17:55,571 --> 00:17:57,570 [Laughter] 385 00:17:57,571 --> 00:17:59,570 Turn down your radio! 386 00:17:59,571 --> 00:18:01,570 Coming up in this hour, 387 00:18:01,571 --> 00:18:05,570 we'll talk to Mike "the situation" sorrentino. 388 00:18:05,571 --> 00:18:08,570 Situation has a new fragrance out called the sitch, 389 00:18:08,571 --> 00:18:10,570 which is also what you call yourself 390 00:18:10,571 --> 00:18:13,570 when you can't spell your own nickname. 391 00:18:13,571 --> 00:18:14,570 [Laughter] 392 00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:17,570 By the way, caller, you have a question? 393 00:18:17,571 --> 00:18:18,570 [Laughs] 394 00:18:18,571 --> 00:18:20,570 Folks, you've got to try this garlique. 395 00:18:20,571 --> 00:18:23,570 It goes down easy, just like Whitney cummings. 396 00:18:23,571 --> 00:18:27,570 [Laughter] 397 00:18:27,571 --> 00:18:28,570 Marlee matlin. 398 00:18:28,571 --> 00:18:30,570 Marlee, always a pleasure. 399 00:18:30,571 --> 00:18:32,570 What on earth are you doing here? 400 00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:36,570 You won the academy award for children of a lesser God, 401 00:18:36,571 --> 00:18:38,570 and then nothing for years. 402 00:18:38,571 --> 00:18:39,570 I don't understand it. 403 00:18:39,571 --> 00:18:42,570 You were so convincing playing a deaf woman. 404 00:18:42,571 --> 00:18:43,570 [Laughter] 405 00:18:43,571 --> 00:18:46,570 Lansing, Michigan, you're on the air. 406 00:18:46,571 --> 00:18:49,570 [Laughter] 407 00:18:49,571 --> 00:18:52,570 And now snoop dogg. I love snoop. 408 00:18:52,571 --> 00:18:56,570 D-o-double-gizzle. That can't be right. 409 00:18:56,571 --> 00:19:01,570 Snoop told me during the break that once he had a DNA test 410 00:19:01,571 --> 00:19:04,570 that found he is only 71% black. 411 00:19:04,571 --> 00:19:05,570 Is that true? 412 00:19:05,571 --> 00:19:09,570 Unless my math is wrong, if you're 71% black, 413 00:19:09,571 --> 00:19:13,570 you're 29% not guilty. 414 00:19:13,571 --> 00:19:16,570 [Laughter] 415 00:19:16,571 --> 00:19:19,570 Congratulations. 416 00:19:19,571 --> 00:19:23,570 Donald trump is not only one of my oldest and dearest friends, 417 00:19:23,571 --> 00:19:25,570 he's also an American success story. 418 00:19:25,571 --> 00:19:28,570 When he graduated college, he put his shoulder to the wheel, 419 00:19:28,571 --> 00:19:30,570 nose to the grindstone, 420 00:19:30,571 --> 00:19:32,570 borrowed $6 million from his father, 421 00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,570 and started a career. 422 00:19:34,571 --> 00:19:36,570 [Laughter] 423 00:19:36,571 --> 00:19:40,570 Donald trump, without a doubt, you're a New York landmark, 424 00:19:40,571 --> 00:19:42,570 which means it's only a matter of time 425 00:19:42,571 --> 00:19:43,570 until you bulldoze yourself 426 00:19:43,571 --> 00:19:46,570 to build some gaudy, tacky monstrosity 427 00:19:46,571 --> 00:19:48,570 and put your name on it. 428 00:19:48,571 --> 00:19:49,570 [Laughter] 429 00:19:49,571 --> 00:19:51,570 We'll be right back. 430 00:19:51,571 --> 00:19:52,570 [Laughter] 431 00:19:52,571 --> 00:19:53,570 [Cheers and applause] 432 00:19:53,571 --> 00:19:56,570 - Great, Larry. 433 00:19:56,571 --> 00:19:58,570 That's great, Larry. 434 00:19:58,571 --> 00:19:59,570 [Cheers and applause] 435 00:19:59,571 --> 00:20:01,570 - Larry king. 436 00:20:01,571 --> 00:20:06,570 Come on. 437 00:20:06,571 --> 00:20:07,570 [Applause] 438 00:20:07,571 --> 00:20:09,571 All right, snoop dogg is up next. 439 00:20:10,571 --> 00:20:11,570 [Cheers and applause] 440 00:20:11,571 --> 00:20:14,570 That right there was my impression of the receptionist 441 00:20:14,571 --> 00:20:15,570 at a parole office. 442 00:20:15,571 --> 00:20:22,570 Uh, make way for the most dangerous man in 1993, 443 00:20:22,571 --> 00:20:23,570 snoop dogg. 444 00:20:23,571 --> 00:20:29,570 [Cheers and applause] 445 00:20:29,571 --> 00:20:32,570 [Hip-hop music playing] 446 00:20:32,571 --> 00:20:35,570 ♪ 447 00:20:35,571 --> 00:20:37,570 - Seth macfarlane. 448 00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:39,570 Give it up for Seth macfarlane, y'all. 449 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,570 [Cheers and applause] 450 00:20:41,571 --> 00:20:44,570 Hey, yo, Seth, fyi. 451 00:20:44,571 --> 00:20:47,570 Ain't no niggas watching the Cleveland show. 452 00:20:47,571 --> 00:20:49,570 [Laughter] 453 00:20:49,571 --> 00:20:53,570 From me to you, no shit. 454 00:20:53,571 --> 00:20:54,570 I know we're here to roast Donald trump, 455 00:20:54,571 --> 00:20:56,570 but, uh, I gotta give a shout out 456 00:20:56,571 --> 00:20:59,570 to my main man, Larry king, in the motherfuckin' house. 457 00:20:59,571 --> 00:21:01,570 [Cheers and applause] 458 00:21:01,571 --> 00:21:02,570 Larry, you know how we is. 459 00:21:02,571 --> 00:21:04,571 Larry is cool, but backstage, I handed him a joint, 460 00:21:05,571 --> 00:21:06,570 and he rubbed bengay into it. 461 00:21:06,571 --> 00:21:08,570 [Laughter] 462 00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:11,570 We got Lisa lampanelli in the house. 463 00:21:11,571 --> 00:21:14,570 [Cheers and applause] 464 00:21:14,571 --> 00:21:18,570 Now, let me tell you, Lisa is a stone cold freak. 465 00:21:18,571 --> 00:21:19,570 [Laughter] 466 00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:22,570 Lisa fucked Larry king, Don King, 467 00:21:22,571 --> 00:21:25,570 Rodney king, and Billie Jean king 468 00:21:25,571 --> 00:21:27,570 in a burger king bathroom. 469 00:21:27,571 --> 00:21:29,570 [Laughter] 470 00:21:29,571 --> 00:21:32,570 I mean, this bitch loves to eat, for real. 471 00:21:32,571 --> 00:21:34,570 If you want to fuck Lisa doggy style, 472 00:21:34,571 --> 00:21:36,570 all you gotta do is put a bowl of food on the floor. 473 00:21:36,571 --> 00:21:39,570 [Laughter] 474 00:21:39,571 --> 00:21:43,570 Now trip. 475 00:21:43,571 --> 00:21:45,570 Lisa's had so much sex with so many different brothers, 476 00:21:45,571 --> 00:21:49,570 we've even gave her rap names for her fat ass. 477 00:21:49,571 --> 00:21:51,570 Notorious p.I.G. 478 00:21:51,571 --> 00:21:52,570 [Laughter] 479 00:21:52,571 --> 00:21:54,570 You gonna like this one, Russell. 480 00:21:54,571 --> 00:21:56,570 Ton dmc. 481 00:21:56,571 --> 00:21:57,570 [Laughter] 482 00:21:57,571 --> 00:21:59,570 Busta busta nut in your face. 483 00:21:59,571 --> 00:22:01,570 [Laughter] 484 00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:02,570 And my favorite, 485 00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:05,570 snoop chili dog in your motherfuckin' mouth. 486 00:22:05,571 --> 00:22:08,570 [Laughter] 487 00:22:08,571 --> 00:22:10,570 Mm-mm-mm. 488 00:22:10,571 --> 00:22:13,570 Hey, marlee. Marlee. 489 00:22:13,571 --> 00:22:15,570 You so fine. 490 00:22:15,571 --> 00:22:18,570 Having sex with you would be like rolling up on someone. 491 00:22:18,571 --> 00:22:20,570 You'd never hear me coming. 492 00:22:20,571 --> 00:22:21,570 [Laughter] 493 00:22:21,571 --> 00:22:23,570 Now trip. 494 00:22:23,571 --> 00:22:25,570 I walked past marlee's dressing room tonight 495 00:22:25,571 --> 00:22:27,570 when she was, uh, going over her lines, 496 00:22:27,571 --> 00:22:29,570 and it sounded like someone was clubbing a seal. 497 00:22:29,571 --> 00:22:32,571 [Laughter] 498 00:22:33,571 --> 00:22:34,570 Whitney cummings. 499 00:22:34,571 --> 00:22:38,570 Look at your fine, little skinny ass sitting up there. 500 00:22:38,571 --> 00:22:40,570 I roll blunts fatter than you, 501 00:22:40,571 --> 00:22:42,571 but you've been passed around a little bit more. 502 00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:44,570 [Laughter] 503 00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:48,570 But right now, things are popping for Whitney, y'all. 504 00:22:48,571 --> 00:22:50,570 Everybody in Hollywood is talking about her, 505 00:22:50,571 --> 00:22:52,570 and they all saying the same thing. 506 00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:54,570 "I think that bitch gave me herpes." 507 00:22:54,571 --> 00:22:56,571 [Laughter] 508 00:22:57,571 --> 00:22:58,570 This is an ugly business, man. 509 00:22:58,571 --> 00:23:01,570 I mean, look at Jeff Ross. 510 00:23:01,571 --> 00:23:02,570 [Laughter] 511 00:23:02,571 --> 00:23:05,570 He's one ugly motherfucker. 512 00:23:05,571 --> 00:23:07,570 Now, when Jeff was born, 513 00:23:07,571 --> 00:23:09,570 his mother shit during the delivery, 514 00:23:09,571 --> 00:23:12,570 and when she looked down, she thought she had twins. 515 00:23:12,571 --> 00:23:14,570 [Laughter] 516 00:23:14,571 --> 00:23:18,570 That's why he's so corny. 517 00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:21,570 Look at his droopy face, saggy skin, 518 00:23:21,571 --> 00:23:23,570 rubbery, wet lips. 519 00:23:23,571 --> 00:23:25,570 If Jeff had a string hanging from his mouth, 520 00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:26,571 he'd look like Lisa's pussy. 521 00:23:27,571 --> 00:23:29,570 [Laughter] 522 00:23:29,571 --> 00:23:32,570 No, but seriously, though, I like Jeff, though. 523 00:23:32,571 --> 00:23:33,570 You know why I like Jeff? 524 00:23:33,571 --> 00:23:35,570 'Cause he would do anything to get a laugh 525 00:23:35,571 --> 00:23:37,570 except say something funny. 526 00:23:37,571 --> 00:23:40,570 [Laughter] 527 00:23:40,571 --> 00:23:41,570 I gotta say a few more things 528 00:23:41,571 --> 00:23:43,570 about my girl snooki over there. 529 00:23:43,571 --> 00:23:45,570 [Laughter] 530 00:23:45,571 --> 00:23:47,570 Oh, that ain't snooki? 531 00:23:47,571 --> 00:23:49,570 Oh, my bad. I'm sorry. 532 00:23:49,571 --> 00:23:52,570 All white people who act black look alike to me. 533 00:23:52,571 --> 00:23:53,570 Sorry. 534 00:23:53,571 --> 00:24:00,570 [Cheers and applause] 535 00:24:00,571 --> 00:24:04,570 So, uh, the situation's a rapper now, huh? 536 00:24:04,571 --> 00:24:06,570 Shit, I heard his rhymes. 537 00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:10,570 The best thing you ever spit was Seth macfarlane's jizz-izzle. 538 00:24:10,571 --> 00:24:14,570 [Laughter] 539 00:24:14,571 --> 00:24:16,570 Check out your hair, your shaved chest, 540 00:24:16,571 --> 00:24:17,570 your plucked eyebrows. 541 00:24:17,571 --> 00:24:19,570 There used to be a word for guys like you, 542 00:24:19,571 --> 00:24:22,570 and that word was "gay." 543 00:24:22,571 --> 00:24:24,570 [Laughter] 544 00:24:24,571 --> 00:24:26,570 I guess that's still the word. 545 00:24:26,571 --> 00:24:29,570 [Laughter] 546 00:24:29,571 --> 00:24:32,570 Hey, man, stop lifting your shirt up like a prison bitch, 547 00:24:32,571 --> 00:24:33,570 or else go out on the corner 548 00:24:33,571 --> 00:24:34,570 and get me some motherfuckin' money 549 00:24:34,571 --> 00:24:36,570 before I go upside your head with this coat hanger. 550 00:24:36,571 --> 00:24:41,570 [Cheers and applause] 551 00:24:41,571 --> 00:24:45,570 Now, it's time to talk about the real player-- 552 00:24:45,571 --> 00:24:48,570 don Juan, Donald trump, the Donald. 553 00:24:48,571 --> 00:24:50,570 [Cheers and applause] 554 00:24:50,571 --> 00:24:52,072 Now, from me to you, Donald, 555 00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:53,570 I wish I had half of your money. 556 00:24:53,571 --> 00:24:56,570 But for that, you need a 20-year-old's pussy 557 00:24:56,571 --> 00:24:57,570 and a divorce lawyer. 558 00:24:57,571 --> 00:24:58,570 [Laughter] 559 00:24:58,571 --> 00:25:00,570 Now, I may not have half his paper, 560 00:25:00,571 --> 00:25:03,570 but I got twice the dick, and you can believe that. 561 00:25:03,571 --> 00:25:05,570 [Laughter] 562 00:25:05,571 --> 00:25:07,570 But on the real, though, 563 00:25:07,571 --> 00:25:09,570 I'd love to fuck one of trump's ex-wives 564 00:25:09,571 --> 00:25:12,570 just to know what it's like to come into money. 565 00:25:12,571 --> 00:25:14,570 [Laughter] 566 00:25:14,571 --> 00:25:15,570 - Whoo! 567 00:25:15,571 --> 00:25:17,570 [Cheers and applause] 568 00:25:17,571 --> 00:25:21,570 Donald say he wants to run for, uh, president 569 00:25:21,571 --> 00:25:22,570 and move on into the white house. 570 00:25:22,571 --> 00:25:23,570 Why not? 571 00:25:23,571 --> 00:25:25,570 It wouldn't be the first time 572 00:25:25,571 --> 00:25:27,570 he pushed a black family out of their home. 573 00:25:27,571 --> 00:25:30,570 [Laughter] 574 00:25:30,571 --> 00:25:36,570 [Cheers and applause] 575 00:25:36,571 --> 00:25:38,570 But on the real, though. 576 00:25:38,571 --> 00:25:40,570 Donald, you know I got love for you, man, 577 00:25:40,571 --> 00:25:41,570 and some real shit, and I ain't playin'. 578 00:25:41,571 --> 00:25:44,570 From one pimp to another, much respect. 579 00:25:44,571 --> 00:25:45,570 Keep banking that scrilla, 580 00:25:45,571 --> 00:25:48,570 and after the show, come by my dressing room. 581 00:25:48,571 --> 00:25:49,571 I got a couple 19-year-olds in there, 582 00:25:49,697 --> 00:25:51,570 some sticky icky icky, 583 00:25:51,571 --> 00:25:53,864 and I'll get you so high that you'll fire yourself 584 00:25:54,571 --> 00:25:56,570 and put my name on the motherfuckin' towers. 585 00:25:56,571 --> 00:25:57,570 I'm out. 586 00:25:57,571 --> 00:25:59,570 [Cheers and applause] 587 00:25:59,571 --> 00:26:04,570 - Well done, snoop. Great job. Great. 588 00:26:04,571 --> 00:26:08,570 [Cheers and applause] 589 00:26:08,571 --> 00:26:10,570 - Coming up, Whitney cummings, 590 00:26:10,571 --> 00:26:12,570 marlee matlin, and the situation. 591 00:26:14,258 --> 00:26:18,557 [Cheers and applause] 592 00:26:19,358 --> 00:26:21,557 - Our next roaster, Whitney cummings, 593 00:26:21,558 --> 00:26:23,557 can be seen this summer in her one-woman show, 594 00:26:23,558 --> 00:26:26,557 how to succeed in business without really swallowing. 595 00:26:26,558 --> 00:26:29,557 [Laughter] 596 00:26:29,558 --> 00:26:30,557 She's got the body of a crack whore, 597 00:26:30,558 --> 00:26:33,557 but she's got the razor-sharp wit of a crack whore. 598 00:26:33,558 --> 00:26:36,557 [Laughter] 599 00:26:36,558 --> 00:26:39,557 Now, some people say Whitney struggles with bulimia, 600 00:26:39,558 --> 00:26:41,557 but I'd--I'd say she's actually pretty good at it. 601 00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:43,557 [Laughter] 602 00:26:43,558 --> 00:26:46,557 Please welcome the drag queen of mean, 603 00:26:46,558 --> 00:26:48,557 Whitney cummings. 604 00:26:48,558 --> 00:26:52,558 [Cheers and applause] 605 00:26:57,558 --> 00:27:00,557 - Wow. Keep it going for homo Simpson. 606 00:27:00,558 --> 00:27:03,557 [Laughter] 607 00:27:03,558 --> 00:27:04,557 I don't even know where to start. 608 00:27:04,558 --> 00:27:05,557 I guess I'll start with Larry king, 609 00:27:05,558 --> 00:27:09,477 because, I don't know, tick-tock. 610 00:27:09,558 --> 00:27:12,557 Um, Larry king, you have had a heart attack, 611 00:27:12,558 --> 00:27:15,557 bypass surgery, you have heart disease, 612 00:27:15,558 --> 00:27:18,557 and you recently got stents placed in your coronary artery. 613 00:27:18,558 --> 00:27:20,557 Take a hint-- God wants you to die. 614 00:27:20,558 --> 00:27:23,557 [Laughter] 615 00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:25,557 The situation is here tonight. 616 00:27:25,558 --> 00:27:26,557 This is actually very exciting for me. 617 00:27:26,558 --> 00:27:27,557 [Cheers and applause] Yeah, clap it up. 618 00:27:27,558 --> 00:27:29,557 I actually love the Jersey shore. 619 00:27:29,558 --> 00:27:31,557 The Jersey shore cast is Italian, 620 00:27:31,558 --> 00:27:33,557 but at first I thought that they were Mexican 621 00:27:33,558 --> 00:27:35,558 because they're so tan and they're always doing laundry. 622 00:27:36,558 --> 00:27:40,557 [Laughter] 623 00:27:40,558 --> 00:27:43,557 The situation, you are ridiculous. 624 00:27:43,558 --> 00:27:44,557 What is it with that spiky hair? 625 00:27:44,558 --> 00:27:46,557 Your hair is so black and fried, 626 00:27:46,558 --> 00:27:48,557 Lisa doesn't know whether to eat it or fuck it. 627 00:27:48,558 --> 00:27:50,557 [Laughter] 628 00:27:50,558 --> 00:27:54,557 And you need to stop tanning right now, Mr. situation. 629 00:27:54,558 --> 00:27:57,557 You are so orange, snoop dogg should be wearing you 630 00:27:57,558 --> 00:28:00,557 while he's on his knees, blowing his cellmate. 631 00:28:00,558 --> 00:28:02,934 [Laughter] 632 00:28:03,558 --> 00:28:04,557 Whoo! 633 00:28:04,558 --> 00:28:05,557 People make fun of the situation. 634 00:28:05,558 --> 00:28:07,557 They make fun of the fact that he's always 635 00:28:07,558 --> 00:28:09,557 lifting up his shirt to show his abs. 636 00:28:09,558 --> 00:28:10,557 I endorse it. 637 00:28:10,558 --> 00:28:11,557 In fact, Mr. situation, 638 00:28:11,558 --> 00:28:13,557 I suggest you lift up your shirt even higher 639 00:28:13,558 --> 00:28:16,557 so that it covers this situation. 640 00:28:16,558 --> 00:28:17,557 [Laughter] 641 00:28:17,558 --> 00:28:23,557 [Cheers and applause] 642 00:28:23,558 --> 00:28:25,557 Snoop dogg is, of course, here. Hilarious. 643 00:28:25,558 --> 00:28:27,557 A round of applause for snoop. 644 00:28:27,558 --> 00:28:28,557 Come on, that was hilarious. 645 00:28:28,558 --> 00:28:30,557 [Cheers and applause] 646 00:28:30,558 --> 00:28:33,557 Snoop, you have butchered the English language in your music. 647 00:28:33,558 --> 00:28:34,557 You have two gs in the word "dog." 648 00:28:34,558 --> 00:28:37,557 You use izzle and fizzle at the end of everything. 649 00:28:37,558 --> 00:28:39,557 You speak worse English than marlee matlin. 650 00:28:39,558 --> 00:28:41,557 [Laughter] 651 00:28:41,558 --> 00:28:43,557 Lisa lampanelli is here. 652 00:28:43,558 --> 00:28:45,557 Lisa, thanks for making time to be here. 653 00:28:45,558 --> 00:28:46,557 I know you're very busy 654 00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:48,557 starring in i didn't know I was pregnant. 655 00:28:48,558 --> 00:28:52,557 [Laughter] 656 00:28:52,558 --> 00:28:56,557 Anthony jeselnik is making his first appearance on the roasts. 657 00:28:56,558 --> 00:28:57,557 This is the first time someone has lost their virginity 658 00:28:57,558 --> 00:28:59,557 around Donald trump 659 00:28:59,558 --> 00:29:01,557 without him having to promise them American citizenship. 660 00:29:01,558 --> 00:29:05,557 [Laughter] 661 00:29:05,558 --> 00:29:07,557 [Cheers and applause] 662 00:29:07,558 --> 00:29:10,557 And now for the man of the hour, Donald trump, everybody. 663 00:29:10,558 --> 00:29:12,557 Give him a round of applause. 664 00:29:12,558 --> 00:29:15,557 [Cheers and applause] Come on. 665 00:29:15,558 --> 00:29:18,557 Donald trump, you are known for your terrible haircut, 666 00:29:18,558 --> 00:29:20,557 and now I can see why. 667 00:29:20,558 --> 00:29:21,557 Your hair sucks. 668 00:29:21,558 --> 00:29:24,557 You look like Justin bieber caught on fire. 669 00:29:24,558 --> 00:29:26,557 [Laughter] 670 00:29:26,558 --> 00:29:27,557 You're obviously very rich. 671 00:29:27,558 --> 00:29:30,557 Donald trump is literally rolling in dough, 672 00:29:30,558 --> 00:29:31,557 which means he knows what it's like 673 00:29:31,558 --> 00:29:32,557 to fuck Lisa lampanelli. 674 00:29:32,558 --> 00:29:36,557 [Laughter] 675 00:29:36,558 --> 00:29:39,557 Donald, you are gross, nobody likes you, 676 00:29:39,558 --> 00:29:40,557 but you come back every couple years 677 00:29:40,558 --> 00:29:41,557 and nobody knows why. 678 00:29:41,558 --> 00:29:43,557 You're like the mcrib. 679 00:29:43,558 --> 00:29:46,557 [Laughter] 680 00:29:46,558 --> 00:29:50,557 You got melania a huge 12-carat diamond engagement ring. 681 00:29:50,558 --> 00:29:51,557 You should not have gotten her a diamond. 682 00:29:51,558 --> 00:29:54,557 Now she knows what hard is supposed to feel like. 683 00:29:54,558 --> 00:29:57,557 [Audience ohs] 684 00:29:57,558 --> 00:30:00,557 - Whoo! Yeah! 685 00:30:00,558 --> 00:30:03,557 - You recently said that you wanted to run for president. 686 00:30:03,558 --> 00:30:04,557 That is such a publicity stunt. 687 00:30:04,558 --> 00:30:06,557 If I wanted to support a greedy whore 688 00:30:06,558 --> 00:30:08,557 who's pretending to run for president 689 00:30:08,558 --> 00:30:11,557 just to get on TV, I'd vote for Sarah Palin. 690 00:30:11,558 --> 00:30:15,557 [Cheers and applause] 691 00:30:15,558 --> 00:30:17,557 I'd say stick to your real estate, 692 00:30:17,558 --> 00:30:19,557 but all of your buildings are hideous. 693 00:30:19,558 --> 00:30:21,557 The Taj Mahal in New Jersey is horrible. 694 00:30:21,558 --> 00:30:22,557 There hasn't been a shithole that big 695 00:30:22,558 --> 00:30:24,557 on the shores of New Jersey 696 00:30:24,558 --> 00:30:26,557 since the situation took it to the ass from pauly d. 697 00:30:26,558 --> 00:30:29,557 [Laughter] 698 00:30:29,558 --> 00:30:32,557 [Cheers and applause] 699 00:30:32,558 --> 00:30:34,557 Donald, you're also, of course, responsible 700 00:30:34,558 --> 00:30:36,557 for that awful show, the apprentice. 701 00:30:36,558 --> 00:30:39,557 The worst part of that show is having to stare at your face. 702 00:30:39,558 --> 00:30:40,557 Your face is so big and bloated 703 00:30:40,558 --> 00:30:41,558 with such a bad hairpiece, 704 00:30:42,558 --> 00:30:43,558 I'm surprised it's not married to Kelly Preston, 705 00:30:44,558 --> 00:30:45,558 pretending not to be gay. 706 00:30:46,558 --> 00:30:47,557 [Laughter] 707 00:30:47,558 --> 00:30:50,557 [Cheers and applause] 708 00:30:50,558 --> 00:30:52,557 Ah! 709 00:30:52,558 --> 00:30:53,557 On your show, the apprentice, 710 00:30:53,558 --> 00:30:56,557 you have had nene leakes from the real housewives, 711 00:30:56,558 --> 00:30:58,557 brande roderick, and Lisa rinna. 712 00:30:58,558 --> 00:31:01,557 You've given more uneducated whores on-camera jobs 713 00:31:01,558 --> 00:31:03,557 than fox news. 714 00:31:03,558 --> 00:31:08,557 [Cheers and applause] 715 00:31:08,558 --> 00:31:10,557 Well, Donald, thank you so much 716 00:31:10,558 --> 00:31:11,557 for letting us roast you tonight. 717 00:31:11,558 --> 00:31:12,557 You're such a good sport. 718 00:31:12,558 --> 00:31:13,557 And you're actually pretty handsome, 719 00:31:13,558 --> 00:31:15,557 when I see you up close, 720 00:31:15,558 --> 00:31:17,557 so if you ever want a fourth wife, 721 00:31:17,558 --> 00:31:18,557 hit me up on Facebook. 722 00:31:18,558 --> 00:31:21,557 I love you guys. Thank you so much, New York. 723 00:31:21,558 --> 00:31:27,557 [Cheers and applause] 724 00:31:27,558 --> 00:31:31,558 - Up next, the situation, marlee matlin, and Jeff Ross. 725 00:31:34,386 --> 00:31:38,185 [Cheers and applause] 726 00:31:39,286 --> 00:31:40,685 - Welcome back to the roast. 727 00:31:40,686 --> 00:31:43,685 You know, this is a big milestone for the situation, 728 00:31:43,686 --> 00:31:44,686 because tonight is the official beginning 729 00:31:45,146 --> 00:31:50,685 of his 15th minute of fame. 730 00:31:50,686 --> 00:31:51,685 Now... 731 00:31:51,686 --> 00:31:52,685 A lot of people laughed at him for 732 00:31:52,686 --> 00:31:54,685 hooking up with his co-star snooki. 733 00:31:54,686 --> 00:31:55,685 But, you know, Italians are known 734 00:31:55,686 --> 00:31:58,686 for grinding organs with monkeys. 735 00:32:01,686 --> 00:32:04,685 No need to clap, he already has it. 736 00:32:04,686 --> 00:32:06,686 Please welcome the situation. 737 00:32:16,686 --> 00:32:20,685 - Thanks, Jeff. [Laughing] 738 00:32:20,686 --> 00:32:21,686 - [Laughing] 739 00:32:23,686 --> 00:32:25,685 - Can you believe this guy? 740 00:32:25,686 --> 00:32:28,685 With his capped teeth, his hair products, 741 00:32:28,686 --> 00:32:30,685 and his fake tan? 742 00:32:30,686 --> 00:32:31,685 I mean... 743 00:32:31,686 --> 00:32:34,685 You're actually looking good, bra. 744 00:32:34,686 --> 00:32:36,685 Now I know a lot of you people are 745 00:32:36,686 --> 00:32:37,686 here tonight to watch everyone 746 00:32:38,686 --> 00:32:41,685 shit on the dumb guy that all the Italians are ashamed of 747 00:32:41,686 --> 00:32:42,685 and disgusted by. 748 00:32:42,686 --> 00:32:44,685 You know, 749 00:32:44,686 --> 00:32:47,685 Lisa lampanelli. 750 00:32:47,686 --> 00:32:50,685 Backstage she took my hand and shoved it down her pants, 751 00:32:50,686 --> 00:32:54,685 and I pulled out Larry king's teeth! 752 00:32:54,686 --> 00:32:56,685 And snoop's two source awards. 753 00:32:56,686 --> 00:32:58,685 [Chuckling] 754 00:32:58,686 --> 00:33:00,685 Whitney, what's your deal? 755 00:33:00,686 --> 00:33:02,685 You look like the chicks I used to bang 756 00:33:02,686 --> 00:33:08,685 before I had all this money. 757 00:33:08,686 --> 00:33:09,685 - Do it, baby, do it! 758 00:33:09,686 --> 00:33:11,685 - You're a chick, right? 759 00:33:11,686 --> 00:33:13,685 - Yeah. 760 00:33:13,686 --> 00:33:15,685 - On the Jersey shore, we call ugly chicks "grenades." 761 00:33:15,686 --> 00:33:18,685 But, uh, I actually wouldn't call you a grenade, 762 00:33:18,686 --> 00:33:22,686 'cause you're not blowing up any time soon. 763 00:33:24,686 --> 00:33:26,685 Hey, uh... 764 00:33:26,686 --> 00:33:29,685 [Cheers and applause] 765 00:33:29,686 --> 00:33:31,685 Hey, Jeff Ross. What's up, man? 766 00:33:31,686 --> 00:33:33,685 - What's up, buddy? 767 00:33:33,686 --> 00:33:35,685 - Jeff, me and you have a lot in common, buddy. 768 00:33:35,686 --> 00:33:37,685 - What's that? - We're both from Jersey. 769 00:33:37,686 --> 00:33:40,686 And tonight's my first night doing comedy. 770 00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:44,685 Well... 771 00:33:44,686 --> 00:33:45,685 - It's also your last night, 772 00:33:45,686 --> 00:33:46,685 just so you know. 773 00:33:46,686 --> 00:33:49,686 [Cheers and applause] 774 00:33:51,686 --> 00:33:54,685 - All right, all right. 775 00:33:54,686 --> 00:33:55,685 Enough of that, enough. 776 00:33:55,686 --> 00:33:56,685 All right, all right. 777 00:33:56,686 --> 00:33:58,685 I see you lookin' at me over there, 778 00:33:58,686 --> 00:34:00,685 Anthony jezzle-nut. I know you're a little hater. 779 00:34:00,686 --> 00:34:03,685 But I know you're a funny dude as well. 780 00:34:03,686 --> 00:34:06,685 'Cause the other night I told one of your super-funny jokes 781 00:34:06,686 --> 00:34:09,685 to a supermodel, and she was laughing... 782 00:34:09,686 --> 00:34:10,685 While I was bangin' her brains out 783 00:34:10,686 --> 00:34:12,685 with a pile of money on the floor 784 00:34:12,686 --> 00:34:13,686 of my motherfuckin' mansion. 785 00:34:19,686 --> 00:34:21,685 So I got nothing against you, man. 786 00:34:21,686 --> 00:34:22,685 I got nothing against you. 787 00:34:22,686 --> 00:34:25,685 Because she's, like, the fifth model this week to do that, 788 00:34:25,686 --> 00:34:26,685 so... 789 00:34:26,686 --> 00:34:27,685 You know what I'm saying, right? 790 00:34:27,686 --> 00:34:29,685 Maybe not. All right. 791 00:34:29,686 --> 00:34:30,685 [Crowd booing] 792 00:34:30,686 --> 00:34:32,685 Oh, boo. 793 00:34:32,686 --> 00:34:34,685 Now let's get to the real situation. 794 00:34:34,686 --> 00:34:36,685 My man, Donald trump. 795 00:34:36,686 --> 00:34:38,685 - Whoo! 796 00:34:38,686 --> 00:34:40,685 - Yeah, baby. 797 00:34:40,686 --> 00:34:44,685 - I mean, look at him. He's pimping. 798 00:34:44,686 --> 00:34:49,685 Not a lot of guys can pull off wearing a hat like that. 799 00:34:49,686 --> 00:34:50,685 People are hating on him 800 00:34:50,686 --> 00:34:51,686 because chump is always firing people. 801 00:34:52,686 --> 00:34:54,685 But it's kinda okay, 'cause he 802 00:34:54,686 --> 00:34:58,685 completely let himself go anyway. 803 00:34:58,686 --> 00:34:59,685 Donald... 804 00:34:59,686 --> 00:35:01,685 [Crowd booing] 805 00:35:01,686 --> 00:35:03,685 - Hey, whoa, hey, chill! 806 00:35:03,686 --> 00:35:04,685 You know what, Donald? 807 00:35:04,686 --> 00:35:07,685 You got the tan, you got the laundry down. 808 00:35:07,686 --> 00:35:10,685 But you gotta hit the gym, pork chop. 809 00:35:10,686 --> 00:35:12,685 But Donald. 810 00:35:12,686 --> 00:35:14,685 I like how you roll. 811 00:35:14,686 --> 00:35:15,685 I've seen pictures of your house. 812 00:35:15,686 --> 00:35:19,685 Everything in your house is gold. 813 00:35:19,686 --> 00:35:20,685 Who the fuck decorated your house, 814 00:35:20,686 --> 00:35:22,685 flavor flav's dentist? 815 00:35:22,686 --> 00:35:24,685 I'll say this, though. 816 00:35:24,686 --> 00:35:25,685 Your wife is hot. 817 00:35:25,686 --> 00:35:28,685 The best part is, she married you for love. 818 00:35:28,686 --> 00:35:29,685 Yup. 819 00:35:29,686 --> 00:35:30,685 [Crowd booing] 820 00:35:30,686 --> 00:35:31,686 She loves money. 821 00:35:31,896 --> 00:35:33,685 [Crowd booing] 822 00:35:33,686 --> 00:35:34,685 Oh! 823 00:35:34,686 --> 00:35:35,685 Hey, what are you gonna do? 824 00:35:35,686 --> 00:35:39,685 Heeeeeeeeeey! 825 00:35:39,686 --> 00:35:41,685 - Come on, let him do his thing, come on. 826 00:35:41,686 --> 00:35:43,685 Let him do--look. 827 00:35:43,686 --> 00:35:45,685 - All right. 828 00:35:45,686 --> 00:35:47,685 Donald trump, you're a baller. 829 00:35:47,686 --> 00:35:48,685 You're a shot-caller. 830 00:35:48,686 --> 00:35:51,685 You run the game and give the buildings your name. 831 00:35:51,686 --> 00:35:52,685 You're the real deal. 832 00:35:52,686 --> 00:35:55,685 And I hope some day I can roll chump style. 833 00:35:55,686 --> 00:35:57,685 - You called him "chump," not trump. 834 00:35:57,686 --> 00:35:59,685 It's trump. 835 00:35:59,686 --> 00:36:01,685 You said, "Donald chump." - Really? 836 00:36:01,686 --> 00:36:03,685 Well, maybe comedy ain't my game right now, but-- 837 00:36:03,686 --> 00:36:05,685 - it's all right. - Why don't you finish it off? 838 00:36:05,686 --> 00:36:06,685 - Could I just show them something? 839 00:36:06,686 --> 00:36:07,685 Could I just show them something? 840 00:36:07,686 --> 00:36:11,685 - Sure, show them. - You know the situation? 841 00:36:11,686 --> 00:36:14,685 - Yeah. 842 00:36:14,686 --> 00:36:18,685 That--that definitely is the situation right there. 843 00:36:18,686 --> 00:36:20,685 They call me "the saturation." 844 00:36:20,686 --> 00:36:22,685 [Crowd laughs] 845 00:36:22,686 --> 00:36:23,685 - Or...Or...You know what? 846 00:36:23,686 --> 00:36:25,685 Actually, "the catastrophe." 847 00:36:25,686 --> 00:36:27,685 But thanks for letting me here tonight. 848 00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:28,685 Thank you. 849 00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:31,685 And before I go, real quick. I gotta say one more thing. 850 00:36:31,686 --> 00:36:32,685 Mr. trump, 851 00:36:32,686 --> 00:36:35,685 I think you should run for president. 852 00:36:35,686 --> 00:36:39,685 I probably really mean that's a stupid idea. 853 00:36:39,686 --> 00:36:42,686 [Cheers and applause] 854 00:36:46,686 --> 00:36:49,686 - Coming up, Anthony jeselnik and marlee matlin. 855 00:36:57,323 --> 00:37:00,523 - All right, we wanna thank the pope for that marvelous speech. 856 00:37:06,223 --> 00:37:07,722 Holy shit. 857 00:37:07,723 --> 00:37:10,722 All right, let's, uh... 858 00:37:10,723 --> 00:37:12,722 Let's be honest. 859 00:37:12,723 --> 00:37:14,642 Our next roaster, Anthony jeselnik 860 00:37:14,723 --> 00:37:18,723 is here because Greg giraldo is dead. 861 00:37:20,723 --> 00:37:21,722 Well, tonight... 862 00:37:21,723 --> 00:37:24,722 Anthony jeselnik is going to leave his stamp on the roast. 863 00:37:24,723 --> 00:37:29,722 And tomorrow, he's gonna use that stamp to buy food. 864 00:37:29,723 --> 00:37:34,723 So please give a nice, warm meal to Anthony jeselnik. 865 00:37:43,723 --> 00:37:44,516 - Thank you. 866 00:37:44,723 --> 00:37:46,723 Oh, Seth mcfarlane, everybody. 867 00:37:51,723 --> 00:37:52,722 You know, at first I thought Seth 868 00:37:52,723 --> 00:37:54,722 was just famous for the family guy. 869 00:37:54,723 --> 00:37:56,722 But then I did some research, 870 00:37:56,723 --> 00:37:59,723 and he's actually not famous at all. 871 00:38:03,723 --> 00:38:04,722 You know... 872 00:38:04,723 --> 00:38:08,722 They say you only roast the ones you love. 873 00:38:08,723 --> 00:38:13,722 So this is gonna be short. 874 00:38:13,723 --> 00:38:15,722 It's been a rough year for comedy. 875 00:38:15,723 --> 00:38:19,722 Not only did the world lose Greg giraldo... 876 00:38:19,723 --> 00:38:25,722 [Cheers and applause] 877 00:38:25,723 --> 00:38:26,722 But even worse... 878 00:38:26,723 --> 00:38:29,723 It kept Jeff Ross. 879 00:38:33,723 --> 00:38:34,849 You know, Ross, you've been doing this for a long time, man. 880 00:38:35,723 --> 00:38:37,722 I mean, Jeff Ross has been roasting people since 881 00:38:37,723 --> 00:38:40,722 Whitney cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye 882 00:38:40,723 --> 00:38:43,723 of the man who raped her mother. 883 00:38:48,723 --> 00:38:50,723 You know, Whitney cummings is one of the hottest acts 884 00:38:51,516 --> 00:38:54,723 in show business right now for no reason whatsoever. 885 00:38:56,723 --> 00:38:58,723 I mean, Whitney has had more undeserved opportunities 886 00:38:59,723 --> 00:39:02,723 than a native-American applying for college. 887 00:39:06,723 --> 00:39:08,722 I mean, look at this dais. 888 00:39:08,723 --> 00:39:14,722 You've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug-dealer, a pornographer, 889 00:39:14,723 --> 00:39:18,723 and then eight white people. 890 00:39:32,723 --> 00:39:33,722 Larry king is here. 891 00:39:33,723 --> 00:39:35,722 Larry's been married eight times. 892 00:39:35,723 --> 00:39:38,722 Eight times. Jesus, man. 893 00:39:38,723 --> 00:39:42,723 You've got 99 problems, and bitches are all of them. 894 00:39:48,723 --> 00:39:50,722 Larry king is so old, 895 00:39:50,723 --> 00:39:55,723 he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ. 896 00:40:03,723 --> 00:40:07,722 Of course, making fun of Larry king for being old 897 00:40:07,723 --> 00:40:11,722 is like making fun of marlee matlin for being deaf. 898 00:40:11,723 --> 00:40:17,722 It's fun. 899 00:40:17,723 --> 00:40:19,722 Marlee matlin. 900 00:40:19,723 --> 00:40:21,722 Are you even listening to me? 901 00:40:21,723 --> 00:40:26,722 - What? What? 902 00:40:26,723 --> 00:40:28,722 - It's good to see you here tonight, marlee. 903 00:40:28,723 --> 00:40:31,722 I was actually shocked 904 00:40:31,723 --> 00:40:32,722 to find out that you won best actress 905 00:40:32,723 --> 00:40:34,722 at the academy awards 906 00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:38,723 and not the special Olympics. 907 00:40:42,723 --> 00:40:45,723 Lisa lampanelli, 908 00:40:45,766 --> 00:40:49,722 you're cool. 909 00:40:49,723 --> 00:40:54,722 - [Laughing] 910 00:40:54,723 --> 00:40:56,722 - Mike sorrentino. 911 00:40:56,723 --> 00:41:00,722 Great job, by the way. 912 00:41:00,723 --> 00:41:03,723 [Cheers and applause] 913 00:41:08,723 --> 00:41:10,722 Mike, you're doing really well right now. 914 00:41:10,723 --> 00:41:11,722 You've got a ton of endorsement deals. 915 00:41:11,723 --> 00:41:14,722 You've got a cologne. A vodka. 916 00:41:14,723 --> 00:41:16,722 A workout video. 917 00:41:16,723 --> 00:41:18,722 I mean, you've got your name on everything. 918 00:41:18,723 --> 00:41:21,723 Except a high school diploma. 919 00:41:24,723 --> 00:41:26,722 And sitch, I don't wanna tell you how to live your life, man. 920 00:41:26,723 --> 00:41:30,722 But if you spent half as much time reading books 921 00:41:30,723 --> 00:41:33,722 as you do chasing skanks, 922 00:41:33,723 --> 00:41:35,722 you probably wouldn't have aids. 923 00:41:35,723 --> 00:41:38,723 - Snoop! Yo...Snoop! 924 00:41:41,723 --> 00:41:42,723 Snoop! 925 00:41:44,723 --> 00:41:46,722 - And now for the man of the hour, 926 00:41:46,723 --> 00:41:50,723 Mr. Donald trump. 927 00:41:52,723 --> 00:41:55,722 Donald, you've got a great sense of humor. 928 00:41:55,723 --> 00:41:56,722 You've been so happy to embarrass yourself 929 00:41:56,723 --> 00:42:02,723 on Saturday night live and the casino business. 930 00:42:08,723 --> 00:42:12,722 You know, Donald trump is such a douche bag, 931 00:42:12,723 --> 00:42:15,722 that if you look up the word douche bag in the dictionary, 932 00:42:15,723 --> 00:42:19,722 there's a picture of Spencer Pratt. 933 00:42:19,723 --> 00:42:21,722 But if you look close, 934 00:42:21,723 --> 00:42:25,723 Spencer Pratt is holding up a picture of Donald trump. 935 00:42:31,723 --> 00:42:34,722 And Donald, I'm not even sure if you're aware of this, 936 00:42:34,723 --> 00:42:35,723 but the only difference between you 937 00:42:36,723 --> 00:42:39,722 and Michael Douglas from the movie wall street 938 00:42:39,723 --> 00:42:43,722 is that no one's gonna be sad when you get cancer. 939 00:42:43,723 --> 00:42:47,723 [Audience ohs] 940 00:42:56,723 --> 00:42:58,722 - Of course, Mr. trump, 941 00:42:58,723 --> 00:43:01,722 despite everything I just said, 942 00:43:01,723 --> 00:43:03,722 you're a great sport for being here. 943 00:43:03,723 --> 00:43:05,722 Thank you for letting me be here too. 944 00:43:05,723 --> 00:43:07,722 Thank you very much. 945 00:43:07,723 --> 00:43:09,723 [Cheers and applause] 946 00:43:13,723 --> 00:43:18,023 - Coming up, marlee matlin, Jeff Ross, and Donald trump. 947 00:43:21,501 --> 00:43:26,800 [Cheers and applause] 948 00:43:27,501 --> 00:43:28,800 - All right. What can be said 949 00:43:28,801 --> 00:43:30,800 about our next roaster, marlee matlin? 950 00:43:30,801 --> 00:43:34,800 Virtually anything, 'cause she can't hear shit. 951 00:43:34,801 --> 00:43:36,800 She appeared on the l word, 952 00:43:36,801 --> 00:43:38,800 where she portrayed a deaf lesbian. 953 00:43:38,801 --> 00:43:41,800 In fact, marlee has become a hero among deaf lesbians 954 00:43:41,801 --> 00:43:44,801 or, as they prefer to be called, earmuffs. 955 00:43:48,801 --> 00:43:52,801 Please welcome my good pal, marlee matlin. 956 00:44:05,801 --> 00:44:06,800 - Well, thank you. 957 00:44:06,801 --> 00:44:08,800 As you can see, I'll be speaking 958 00:44:08,801 --> 00:44:10,800 with the help of my signer this evening, 959 00:44:10,801 --> 00:44:12,800 and to be honest, 960 00:44:12,801 --> 00:44:14,800 I'm a little self-conscious about my voice. 961 00:44:14,801 --> 00:44:17,800 Because I've been told by thousands of people 962 00:44:17,801 --> 00:44:18,800 that when I speak 963 00:44:18,801 --> 00:44:22,801 it sounds like Whitney cummings with a dick in her mouth. 964 00:44:33,801 --> 00:44:36,800 I guess I'm the perfect choice for this roast, 965 00:44:36,801 --> 00:44:37,800 because like the situation, 966 00:44:37,801 --> 00:44:41,801 I, too, have never heard the sound of laughter. 967 00:44:52,801 --> 00:44:54,800 In fact, the deaf community has a special sign 968 00:44:54,801 --> 00:44:57,800 for everyone up here on the dais tonight. 969 00:44:57,801 --> 00:44:59,801 Snoop dogg. 970 00:45:02,885 --> 00:45:04,801 The situation. 971 00:45:07,801 --> 00:45:08,800 Anthony jeselnik. Whatever. 972 00:45:08,801 --> 00:45:12,800 I don't even know who he is. 973 00:45:12,801 --> 00:45:13,801 Larry king. 974 00:45:17,801 --> 00:45:19,801 Seth macfarlane. 975 00:45:24,801 --> 00:45:26,801 Whitney cummings. 976 00:45:30,801 --> 00:45:33,801 Lisa lampanelli. 977 00:45:39,801 --> 00:45:41,800 And of course, over there 978 00:45:41,801 --> 00:45:44,800 is the legendary roastmaster general Jeff Ross. 979 00:45:44,801 --> 00:45:46,800 Can you believe that he actually asked me out? 980 00:45:46,801 --> 00:45:50,801 I said, "Jeff, I'm deaf, not blind!" 981 00:45:53,801 --> 00:45:55,800 I have to say, 982 00:45:55,801 --> 00:45:57,800 it's such a thrill to be up here with an esteemed peer 983 00:45:57,801 --> 00:45:59,800 like Lisa lampanelli. 984 00:45:59,801 --> 00:46:02,800 I won the Oscar for best actress. 985 00:46:02,801 --> 00:46:07,801 And Lisa won best in breed at the county fair. 986 00:46:10,801 --> 00:46:12,800 Not many people know this, 987 00:46:12,801 --> 00:46:16,800 but I replaced her on the l word. 988 00:46:16,801 --> 00:46:18,800 Apparently, the only way she would eat pussy 989 00:46:18,801 --> 00:46:21,801 is if it had French fries in it. 990 00:46:23,801 --> 00:46:24,800 Marlee, I can't do this anymore! 991 00:46:24,801 --> 00:46:26,801 She's an Oscar-winning actress and--I can't do this. 992 00:46:27,801 --> 00:46:29,800 I'm outta here. See you later! 993 00:46:29,801 --> 00:46:30,800 [Applause] 994 00:46:30,801 --> 00:46:32,800 - What? I... 995 00:46:32,801 --> 00:46:34,800 Can anyone else speak for me? 996 00:46:34,801 --> 00:46:36,800 Can you talk for me? Hello? 997 00:46:36,801 --> 00:46:39,801 - I might be of assistance! 998 00:46:57,801 --> 00:47:00,800 I will be happy to sign 999 00:47:00,801 --> 00:47:03,800 for the great marlee matlin! 1000 00:47:03,801 --> 00:47:06,800 Ah, the hammerstein ballroom. 1001 00:47:06,801 --> 00:47:10,800 Speaking of ballroom, Mr. trump, 1002 00:47:10,801 --> 00:47:13,801 how are those spanx holding up? 1003 00:47:15,801 --> 00:47:21,800 As a developer, Donald trump has done so much damage 1004 00:47:21,801 --> 00:47:23,800 to the New York skyline, 1005 00:47:23,801 --> 00:47:26,800 instead of calling him the Donald, 1006 00:47:26,801 --> 00:47:30,800 they should call him the 20th hijacker! 1007 00:47:30,801 --> 00:47:33,800 [Audience ohs] 1008 00:47:33,801 --> 00:47:36,800 - Too soon! 1009 00:47:36,801 --> 00:47:38,801 - Donald always says 1010 00:47:39,801 --> 00:47:41,800 money can't buy happiness. 1011 00:47:41,801 --> 00:47:47,800 But it can buy the best eastern European whores 1012 00:47:47,801 --> 00:47:51,801 New York City has to offer! 1013 00:47:55,801 --> 00:47:59,800 Donald has told many a tale 1014 00:47:59,801 --> 00:48:02,800 of vivacious walkers of the night 1015 00:48:02,801 --> 00:48:07,800 and their mystical extra hole! 1016 00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:10,800 They come from a faraway land 1017 00:48:10,801 --> 00:48:16,800 to suck the blood and ill-gotten bank accounts 1018 00:48:16,801 --> 00:48:21,800 from wealthy but stupid billionaires. 1019 00:48:21,801 --> 00:48:24,800 Tell us, oh, great trump, 1020 00:48:24,801 --> 00:48:27,800 where are these women of who you speak 1021 00:48:27,801 --> 00:48:32,800 who possess the coveted fourth hole? 1022 00:48:32,801 --> 00:48:35,800 For we shall not rest 1023 00:48:35,801 --> 00:48:38,800 until we have all experienced 1024 00:48:38,801 --> 00:48:42,800 the pleasure of the four-hole 1025 00:48:42,801 --> 00:48:45,800 eastern European whores 1026 00:48:45,801 --> 00:48:51,801 that are currently doing blow in your dressing room. 1027 00:48:58,801 --> 00:49:02,800 Did I get that right? 1028 00:49:02,801 --> 00:49:04,801 [Cheers and applause] 1029 00:49:08,801 --> 00:49:10,800 - Sounds good to me. 1030 00:49:10,801 --> 00:49:13,800 - Thank you, Mr. trump. 1031 00:49:13,801 --> 00:49:15,800 You're the best. 1032 00:49:15,801 --> 00:49:18,800 This has been a real thrill for me. 1033 00:49:18,801 --> 00:49:21,800 It's not often you get a boss 1034 00:49:21,801 --> 00:49:25,800 that can laugh at himself. 1035 00:49:25,801 --> 00:49:28,801 - Now, please stop staring at my tits. 1036 00:49:35,801 --> 00:49:39,501 - Up next, Jeff Ross and Donald trump. 1037 00:49:48,456 --> 00:49:50,855 - Our final roaster of the night, Jeff Ross, 1038 00:49:50,856 --> 00:49:53,855 is one of the fattest names in comedy. 1039 00:49:53,856 --> 00:49:55,855 Whenever he walks out on stage, 1040 00:49:55,856 --> 00:49:59,855 my first instinct is to hurl an angry bird at him. 1041 00:49:59,856 --> 00:50:01,855 Please welcome 1042 00:50:01,856 --> 00:50:05,856 the roastmaster general, Jeff Ross. 1043 00:50:12,856 --> 00:50:14,855 - Well... 1044 00:50:14,856 --> 00:50:15,855 This is exciting, trump. 1045 00:50:15,856 --> 00:50:18,855 Are you having a good time? - Good time. 1046 00:50:18,856 --> 00:50:21,856 - All right, well, tell your face. 1047 00:50:26,856 --> 00:50:28,855 All right, I love this. Russell Simmons, man. 1048 00:50:28,856 --> 00:50:32,855 It's great to see you, man. Very cool guy right there. 1049 00:50:32,856 --> 00:50:35,855 Salute you and all you've done. 1050 00:50:35,856 --> 00:50:39,856 Are you here to sign marlee matlin to def comedy jam? 1051 00:50:44,856 --> 00:50:45,855 And if you're just tuning in, folks, 1052 00:50:45,856 --> 00:50:49,855 this is not a memorial for Larry king. 1053 00:50:49,856 --> 00:50:52,855 Larry, I love you. You been a great sport tonight. 1054 00:50:52,856 --> 00:50:54,856 Give him some love. 1055 00:50:56,856 --> 00:51:00,855 The former hunchback of CNN. 1056 00:51:00,856 --> 00:51:04,856 His first caller was Alexander Graham bell. 1057 00:51:06,856 --> 00:51:08,855 I love you, buddy. And Larry king live. 1058 00:51:08,856 --> 00:51:11,856 Even the title was an oxymoron. 1059 00:51:12,856 --> 00:51:15,855 The first time Larry covered an uprising in Egypt, 1060 00:51:15,856 --> 00:51:19,855 he interviewed Moses. 1061 00:51:19,856 --> 00:51:21,855 Larry asked him if he thought the whole thing 1062 00:51:21,856 --> 00:51:25,855 was a pyramid scheme. 1063 00:51:25,856 --> 00:51:27,855 I love Larry. He recently quit his show. 1064 00:51:27,856 --> 00:51:31,856 He plans on spending his retirement opening a jar. 1065 00:51:36,856 --> 00:51:37,855 Since our last roast, 1066 00:51:37,856 --> 00:51:40,855 the comedy world has lost a great friend, 1067 00:51:40,856 --> 00:51:41,855 Gary Coleman. 1068 00:51:41,856 --> 00:51:43,855 [Laughter] 1069 00:51:43,856 --> 00:51:46,855 He died recently from multiple aneurysms, 1070 00:51:46,856 --> 00:51:49,856 which is kinda like different strokes. 1071 00:51:52,856 --> 00:51:54,856 To Gary Coleman. 1072 00:51:58,856 --> 00:52:00,855 Whitney cummings is back again. 1073 00:52:00,856 --> 00:52:01,855 Some of you may recognize her 1074 00:52:01,856 --> 00:52:04,856 from her porn name, Whitney cummings. 1075 00:52:09,856 --> 00:52:10,855 Whitney's so busy these days, 1076 00:52:10,856 --> 00:52:13,855 currently working on three pilots. 1077 00:52:13,856 --> 00:52:16,856 And that was just on the flight in. 1078 00:52:18,856 --> 00:52:24,855 Whitney, thanks for yelling your act at us like always. 1079 00:52:24,856 --> 00:52:28,856 This was the first time marlee's glad she's deaf. 1080 00:52:29,856 --> 00:52:32,855 Actually, what an amazing woman, this marlee-- 1081 00:52:32,856 --> 00:52:34,856 wasn't she funny tonight? That was awesome. 1082 00:52:35,107 --> 00:52:36,855 [Cheers and applause] 1083 00:52:36,856 --> 00:52:39,855 That killed. Wow. 1084 00:52:39,856 --> 00:52:43,855 First deaf Oscar-winning actress. 1085 00:52:43,856 --> 00:52:44,855 You know what? And I met her before the show, 1086 00:52:44,856 --> 00:52:47,856 and I gotta tell you people, what a cunt! 1087 00:52:55,856 --> 00:52:57,855 I love ya, snoop. 1088 00:52:57,856 --> 00:52:58,855 Snoop dogg, he's smoked so much weed, 1089 00:52:58,856 --> 00:53:00,855 he actually had to write a song called, 1090 00:53:00,856 --> 00:53:03,856 hey, what's my motherfuckin' name? 1091 00:53:09,856 --> 00:53:11,855 Lisa lampanelli. 1092 00:53:11,856 --> 00:53:13,855 Lisa's vagina is so big and full of black dudes, 1093 00:53:13,856 --> 00:53:16,855 trump's turning it into a housing project. 1094 00:53:16,856 --> 00:53:19,855 Good idea, right, buddy? 1095 00:53:19,856 --> 00:53:21,856 - Not bad. 1096 00:53:25,856 --> 00:53:27,855 - You know, Lisa... 1097 00:53:27,856 --> 00:53:29,855 Her vagina is so beat up, 1098 00:53:29,856 --> 00:53:31,855 its nickname is rihanna. 1099 00:53:31,856 --> 00:53:34,856 All: Oh! 1100 00:53:37,856 --> 00:53:40,855 For some reason, Donald, the situation is here for ya. 1101 00:53:40,856 --> 00:53:43,856 I'm looking forward to the cancellation. 1102 00:53:45,856 --> 00:53:49,855 [Cheering] 1103 00:53:49,856 --> 00:53:51,855 You're the best. 1104 00:53:51,856 --> 00:53:53,855 I hear the next season of the Jersey shore 1105 00:53:53,856 --> 00:53:55,855 is gonna be shot in Italy, is that right? 1106 00:53:55,856 --> 00:53:59,856 I hope that's just a sneaky way of deporting you. 1107 00:54:01,856 --> 00:54:04,855 Oh, he's all right. He's all right. 1108 00:54:04,856 --> 00:54:07,855 Let's talk about this guy, the guest of honor, 1109 00:54:07,856 --> 00:54:10,855 my friend the great one, Donald trump, everybody. 1110 00:54:10,856 --> 00:54:13,855 [Cheers and applause] 1111 00:54:13,856 --> 00:54:15,855 You like my trumpadour? 1112 00:54:15,856 --> 00:54:18,855 - Looks good. - Thank you. 1113 00:54:18,856 --> 00:54:20,855 Trying to honor you in every way I can. 1114 00:54:20,856 --> 00:54:22,855 But Donald and I have a lot in common. 1115 00:54:22,856 --> 00:54:25,855 We both live in New York. We both play golf. 1116 00:54:25,856 --> 00:54:29,856 We both fantasize about his daughter. 1117 00:54:33,856 --> 00:54:35,855 Ivanka, you're the most beautiful woman in New York. 1118 00:54:35,856 --> 00:54:37,855 You really are. Give her a round of applause. 1119 00:54:37,856 --> 00:54:38,856 She's awesome. 1120 00:54:43,856 --> 00:54:45,855 Donald, doesn't it drive you crazy 1121 00:54:45,856 --> 00:54:47,855 that you'll never build anything as high 1122 00:54:47,856 --> 00:54:50,856 as me and snoop right now? 1123 00:54:53,856 --> 00:54:56,855 'Cause Donald's ego is so big, 1124 00:54:56,856 --> 00:54:58,855 he videotapes himself masturbating 1125 00:54:58,856 --> 00:55:01,856 and then masturbates to that video. 1126 00:55:04,856 --> 00:55:06,855 Donald trump is such an egomaniac, 1127 00:55:06,856 --> 00:55:08,855 he makes Hitler seem like he wasn't completely sure 1128 00:55:08,856 --> 00:55:11,856 how he felt about Jewish people. 1129 00:55:13,856 --> 00:55:16,855 Melania, you look so beautiful tonight. 1130 00:55:16,856 --> 00:55:19,856 Give her a round of applause. She's been a good sport. 1131 00:55:21,856 --> 00:55:22,855 So gorgeous. 1132 00:55:22,856 --> 00:55:25,855 These two are so compatible 1133 00:55:25,856 --> 00:55:29,855 because they both yell out Donald's name when they climax. 1134 00:55:29,856 --> 00:55:32,856 [High voice] "Donald!" [Low voice] "Donald!" 1135 00:55:33,856 --> 00:55:35,855 And now you're gonna run for president. 1136 00:55:35,856 --> 00:55:37,855 Don't you think that's a really cool idea, you guys? 1137 00:55:37,856 --> 00:55:40,855 You'll keep 'em honest. You'll keep 'em honest, Donald. 1138 00:55:40,856 --> 00:55:42,855 Personally, I hope you win, 1139 00:55:42,856 --> 00:55:44,855 because I can't wait for the assassina-- 1140 00:55:44,856 --> 00:55:47,856 I mean, the inauguration. 1141 00:55:50,856 --> 00:55:52,855 Donald trump, by sitting here tonight 1142 00:55:52,856 --> 00:55:53,855 and letting us do this, 1143 00:55:53,856 --> 00:55:56,855 you proved to every American voter 1144 00:55:56,856 --> 00:55:59,855 that you have thick skin, that you can take a joke, 1145 00:55:59,856 --> 00:56:00,855 that you are a man of the people. 1146 00:56:00,856 --> 00:56:02,855 And no matter what happens with the election, 1147 00:56:02,856 --> 00:56:06,855 you will always be the king of New York City. 1148 00:56:06,856 --> 00:56:08,856 [Cheers and applause] 1149 00:56:10,856 --> 00:56:11,855 Greg giraldo, roast in peace. 1150 00:56:11,856 --> 00:56:15,855 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. 1151 00:56:15,856 --> 00:56:17,856 - Fantastic. Great job. 1152 00:56:19,856 --> 00:56:21,355 - Up next... 1153 00:56:21,656 --> 00:56:23,255 Donald trump fires back. 1154 00:56:26,567 --> 00:56:29,867 [Cheers and applause] 1155 00:56:31,867 --> 00:56:33,866 - And now... 1156 00:56:34,167 --> 00:56:35,866 At long last, 1157 00:56:35,867 --> 00:56:37,866 we're going to see something very unusual. 1158 00:56:37,867 --> 00:56:39,866 Donald trump is gonna get up in front of cameras 1159 00:56:39,867 --> 00:56:42,866 and talk about himself. 1160 00:56:42,867 --> 00:56:44,866 But before that happens, 1161 00:56:44,867 --> 00:56:48,867 I wanna see you all in the boardroom. 1162 00:56:49,827 --> 00:56:52,866 Donald, I would love to fire you off this roast tonight 1163 00:56:52,867 --> 00:56:54,866 because someone needs to be held accountable 1164 00:56:54,867 --> 00:56:57,866 for this hour and a half we can never get back. 1165 00:56:57,867 --> 00:56:59,866 And I know what you're gonna say. 1166 00:56:59,867 --> 00:57:01,866 You're gonna blame your team. 1167 00:57:01,867 --> 00:57:03,866 And believe me, they are the worst, 1168 00:57:03,867 --> 00:57:05,866 most incompetent bungling group of losers 1169 00:57:05,867 --> 00:57:08,867 I've ever seen. 1170 00:57:10,867 --> 00:57:12,866 But Donald, it is your brand that's at stake. 1171 00:57:12,867 --> 00:57:15,866 So get on up here and defend your legacy. 1172 00:57:15,867 --> 00:57:17,866 Defend yourself. 1173 00:57:17,867 --> 00:57:22,866 As a man who was born with a silver stick in his ass... 1174 00:57:22,867 --> 00:57:27,866 A man who has everything except human emotions... 1175 00:57:27,867 --> 00:57:28,866 A man who, in addition to everything 1176 00:57:28,867 --> 00:57:30,866 that's been said about him tonight, 1177 00:57:30,867 --> 00:57:34,866 has also done a lot of gay stuff... 1178 00:57:34,867 --> 00:57:35,866 Ladies and gentlemen, 1179 00:57:35,867 --> 00:57:37,866 Donald j. Trump. 1180 00:57:37,867 --> 00:57:40,866 - ♪ The best things in life are free ♪ 1181 00:57:40,867 --> 00:57:43,866 ♪ but you can give them to the birds and bees ♪ 1182 00:57:43,867 --> 00:57:45,866 ♪ I need money - ♪ that's 1183 00:57:45,867 --> 00:57:47,866 ♪ what I want 1184 00:57:47,867 --> 00:57:48,866 - ♪ that's what I want 1185 00:57:48,867 --> 00:57:50,866 - ♪ that's what I want ♪ 1186 00:57:50,867 --> 00:57:52,866 - ♪ that's what I want 1187 00:57:52,867 --> 00:57:55,866 - wow. 1188 00:57:55,867 --> 00:57:58,866 - ♪ That's what I want 1189 00:57:58,867 --> 00:58:01,866 - thank you. 1190 00:58:01,867 --> 00:58:04,866 What a great honor it must be 1191 00:58:04,867 --> 00:58:08,866 for you to honor me tonight. 1192 00:58:08,867 --> 00:58:13,866 Especially here where I've made my name and fortune, 1193 00:58:13,867 --> 00:58:16,867 New York City, great place. 1194 00:58:19,867 --> 00:58:21,866 Now, I know what you're thinking. 1195 00:58:21,867 --> 00:58:23,866 Mr. trump, sir... 1196 00:58:23,867 --> 00:58:27,866 Why would you ever do this roast? 1197 00:58:27,867 --> 00:58:29,866 Honestly, it was worth it, 1198 00:58:29,867 --> 00:58:33,866 because it's all going to charity, 1199 00:58:33,867 --> 00:58:36,867 and they paid a lot, believe me. 1200 00:58:39,867 --> 00:58:42,866 But the truth is, I specifically hand-picked 1201 00:58:42,867 --> 00:58:46,866 these recession-era basic cable nobodies 1202 00:58:46,867 --> 00:58:50,866 so that the city I love, 1203 00:58:50,867 --> 00:58:52,866 the city that never sleeps, 1204 00:58:52,867 --> 00:58:56,867 could finally get a well-deserved nap. 1205 00:58:58,867 --> 00:59:01,866 This dais is the perfect metaphor 1206 00:59:01,867 --> 00:59:05,866 for where America stands today. 1207 00:59:05,867 --> 00:59:07,867 Look at our economy. 1208 00:59:08,867 --> 00:59:10,867 Barely moving. Gasping for air. 1209 00:59:11,867 --> 00:59:14,866 And desperately clinging to life. 1210 00:59:14,867 --> 00:59:17,866 Very much like Larry king. 1211 00:59:17,867 --> 00:59:20,866 The only difference is, 1212 00:59:20,867 --> 00:59:22,866 with Larry, 1213 00:59:22,867 --> 00:59:25,866 we have a never-ending supply of gas. 1214 00:59:25,867 --> 00:59:27,866 Never ends. 1215 00:59:27,867 --> 00:59:30,866 This great country of ours 1216 00:59:30,867 --> 00:59:34,866 was built on its entrepreneurial spirit, 1217 00:59:34,867 --> 00:59:37,866 and that spirit is best demonstrated 1218 00:59:37,867 --> 00:59:41,866 by none other than my friend snoop dogg. 1219 00:59:41,867 --> 00:59:43,866 [Applause] 1220 00:59:43,867 --> 00:59:45,867 His is a tale 1221 00:59:46,867 --> 00:59:49,866 of do-rags to riches. 1222 00:59:49,867 --> 00:59:51,866 It's true. It's true. 1223 00:59:51,867 --> 00:59:54,866 He's very proud of that. 1224 00:59:54,867 --> 00:59:56,866 That's why I'm so happy to see snoop 1225 00:59:56,867 --> 01:00:01,866 sitting up here next to his former rival... 1226 01:00:01,867 --> 01:00:03,867 Biggie smalls, right here. 1227 01:00:09,867 --> 01:00:11,867 I want to talk about one of the women on the dais. 1228 01:00:12,867 --> 01:00:14,866 This amazing lady struggles 1229 01:00:14,867 --> 01:00:18,866 with a seemingly insurmountable physical handicap. 1230 01:00:18,867 --> 01:00:23,866 I speak, of course, of Whitney cummings. 1231 01:00:23,867 --> 01:00:25,866 Whitney's career is crippled 1232 01:00:25,867 --> 01:00:27,867 by her foul mouth. 1233 01:00:28,867 --> 01:00:29,866 To hear that filthy language 1234 01:00:29,867 --> 01:00:33,866 from someone so marginally attractive 1235 01:00:33,867 --> 01:00:36,867 is, frankly, very unpleasant. 1236 01:00:39,867 --> 01:00:43,867 Lisa-- or as I call her, miss usda-- 1237 01:00:48,867 --> 01:00:51,866 I want you to be a judge 1238 01:00:51,867 --> 01:00:54,867 at my next miss universe pageant. 1239 01:00:57,867 --> 01:00:58,866 You're perfect. 1240 01:00:58,867 --> 01:01:00,866 Because like the universe, 1241 01:01:00,867 --> 01:01:05,867 you're constantly expanding and filled with dark matter. 1242 01:01:12,867 --> 01:01:16,866 But there are some things that have brought shame 1243 01:01:16,867 --> 01:01:18,866 upon this great land of ours. 1244 01:01:18,867 --> 01:01:20,866 Besides Lisa. 1245 01:01:20,867 --> 01:01:22,866 I speak of the atrocities 1246 01:01:22,867 --> 01:01:26,866 that we as a nation must endure, 1247 01:01:26,867 --> 01:01:30,866 like the Jersey shore. 1248 01:01:30,867 --> 01:01:36,866 A piece of advice, my greasy friend. 1249 01:01:36,867 --> 01:01:38,866 You don't need to put 1250 01:01:38,867 --> 01:01:41,866 all of that product in your hair. 1251 01:01:41,867 --> 01:01:43,866 You just don't. 1252 01:01:43,867 --> 01:01:47,866 Look how great my hair looks, and I don't use anything. 1253 01:01:47,867 --> 01:01:49,866 And it looks very good. 1254 01:01:49,867 --> 01:01:53,866 What's the difference between a wet raccoon 1255 01:01:53,867 --> 01:01:56,866 and Donald j. Trump's hair? 1256 01:01:56,867 --> 01:01:59,866 A wet raccoon doesn't have 1257 01:01:59,867 --> 01:02:03,867 7 billion fuckin' dollars in the bank. 1258 01:02:06,867 --> 01:02:09,866 Very funny. Okay. Very funny. 1259 01:02:09,867 --> 01:02:13,866 America is going through tough times, 1260 01:02:13,867 --> 01:02:16,866 and we all need to laugh. 1261 01:02:16,867 --> 01:02:18,867 True. 1262 01:02:20,867 --> 01:02:23,866 I know that better days are ahead. 1263 01:02:23,867 --> 01:02:25,866 If we believe in ourselves 1264 01:02:25,867 --> 01:02:28,866 and the way I believe in myself-- 1265 01:02:28,867 --> 01:02:31,866 and I really do believe in myself-- 1266 01:02:31,867 --> 01:02:35,866 then come June, if I decide to run, 1267 01:02:35,867 --> 01:02:38,866 you'll have the great pleasure 1268 01:02:38,867 --> 01:02:40,866 of voting for the man 1269 01:02:40,867 --> 01:02:43,866 that will easily go down 1270 01:02:43,867 --> 01:02:45,866 as the greatest president 1271 01:02:45,867 --> 01:02:48,866 in the history of the United States. 1272 01:02:48,867 --> 01:02:51,866 Me--Donald John trump. 1273 01:02:51,867 --> 01:02:54,867 God bless America, and good night! 1274 01:02:55,867 --> 01:02:58,867 Good night. 1275 01:03:00,867 --> 01:03:03,866 - ♪ Money money money money 1276 01:03:03,867 --> 01:03:04,866 ♪ money 1277 01:03:04,867 --> 01:03:07,866 ♪ money money money money 1278 01:03:07,867 --> 01:03:10,866 ♪ money 1279 01:03:10,867 --> 01:03:12,866 ♪ money money money money 1280 01:03:12,867 --> 01:03:14,866 ♪ money 1281 01:03:14,867 --> 01:03:17,866 ♪ money money money money 1282 01:03:17,867 --> 01:03:18,866 ♪ money 1283 01:03:18,867 --> 01:03:21,867 1284 01:03:25,781 --> 01:03:27,980 - Not only is Donald trump's skin orange. 1285 01:03:27,981 --> 01:03:28,980 It's also thick. 1286 01:03:28,981 --> 01:03:29,980 - It was a great experience. 1287 01:03:29,981 --> 01:03:30,980 A rough evening for me-- 1288 01:03:30,981 --> 01:03:32,980 a rough, rough evening-- 1289 01:03:32,981 --> 01:03:34,980 but a lot of money is going to charity 1290 01:03:34,981 --> 01:03:35,980 because of this evening, 1291 01:03:35,981 --> 01:03:36,980 so I took it for charity. 1292 01:03:36,981 --> 01:03:38,980 - We had all of the above. We had nothing but love. 1293 01:03:38,981 --> 01:03:40,980 It was comedy. It was laughter. 1294 01:03:40,981 --> 01:03:41,980 It was fun-filled. 1295 01:03:41,981 --> 01:03:43,980 - This is the roast of the situation. 1296 01:03:43,981 --> 01:03:45,980 - The situation was great. We love him. 1297 01:03:45,981 --> 01:03:46,980 - You're a good sport for coming to a roast. 1298 01:03:46,981 --> 01:03:48,980 - You got to give it to marlee, you know? 1299 01:03:48,981 --> 01:03:50,980 She's a trooper for coming out here in the first place, 1300 01:03:50,981 --> 01:03:51,980 and she's hilarious. 1301 01:03:51,981 --> 01:03:52,980 - You were amazing. 1302 01:03:52,981 --> 01:03:53,980 - The only joke I might regret 1303 01:03:53,981 --> 01:03:55,980 is making fun of marlee matlin a little too hard. 1304 01:03:55,981 --> 01:03:58,980 She's such a beautiful, awesome woman. 1305 01:03:58,981 --> 01:03:59,980 But overall, it was a blast. 1306 01:03:59,981 --> 01:04:01,980 - I would never say stuff like that, 1307 01:04:01,981 --> 01:04:04,980 but marlee is, uh, a pervert. 1308 01:04:04,981 --> 01:04:07,980 - The whole night was one of the funnest roasts ever. 1309 01:04:07,981 --> 01:04:09,980 It was a party. 1310 01:04:09,981 --> 01:04:10,481 Yeah.